Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
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- Written and directed by Kevin Smith.
Hollywood had it coming(taglines)
- Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Holy shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. Maybe it's a conspiracy like in The X-Files... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. [Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today!] And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!"
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
Mother mother fuck,
Mother mother fuck fuck,
Mother fuck mother fuck,
Noise, noise, noise.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,
Noise, noise, noise.
Smoking weed, smoking whizz,
Doing coke, drinking beers,
Drinking beers, beers, beers,
Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts.
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts!
Rolling blunts and smoke the b...
- 15 bucks, little man,
Put that shit in my hand
If that money doesn't show
Then you owe me, owe me, owe
- Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
- What the fuck is The Internet?
- What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!
- All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
- (While humping Silent Bob) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!
- (On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. No one rules a C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
- [grabs Jay and yells at him] THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID "Critters of Hollywood"! YOU DUMB FUCK!
- Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember, for likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky... you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position.
- Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? [gestures to Silent Bob] I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord? When? When's gonna be my time?"
- A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? [Holden, Jay, and Silent Bob look out into the audience]
- It's nights like this, when I miss dating a lesbian...
- [to a customer who is bending a comic book's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.
- Here's the pulse, alright, and here's your finger far from the pulse jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
- [trying to compose a protest song] Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...
- Banky: Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, I just wanted to say hi, I'm Banky--
- Jay: Banky fucking Edwards! Just the motherfucker we came to see.
- Banky: Holy shit, what the fuck are you guys doing here?
- Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
- Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are calling us names because of this fucking stupid movie.
- Banky: That's what the Internet's for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
- Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
- Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax, you know, Miramax Films, paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman & Chronic. So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on some website, IS NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
- Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is.
- Customer: Are you even supposed to be here today?
- Dante: Don't get me started.
- [Jay and Silent Bob are in a van called "The Mystery Machine" with the Mystery Inc. gang as Scooby barks twice]
- Jay: Zoinks, yo.
- Fred Jones: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are!
- Velma Dinkley: I don't think they are masks.
- Daphne Blake: And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.
- Velma Dinkley: GHOULS, you fucking moron, not girls. [Daphne looks offended] But I wish they were hitchhiking girls, sexy hitchhiking girls.
- Fred Jones: Let's kick 'em out! We've got a mystery to solve!
- Shaggy Rogers: The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in the neckerchief!
- Fred Jones: [grabs Shaggy by the shirt] Keep it up, beatnik. I'll feed ya to the fucking dog!
- Daphne Blake: [covers her ears] I CAN'T TAKE OFF THIS FIGHTING!
- Jay: YO! [the gang calms down] Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... [holds up a Ziploc bag of cigarettes] DOOBY SNACKS!
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot. Requesting backup.
- Echo Base: [on Gordon's walkie-talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: No, sir. A 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
- Echo Base: Oh, that Affleck!
- [Jay and Silent Bob recognize Jason Biggs in a Silent Bob costume and James Van Der Beek in a Jay costume]
- Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you that guy that fucked the pie?
- Jason Biggs: See, man? [takes his fake beard and fake mustache off] You see, it's never... It's never "Hey! Hey, you were in Loser, weren't ya?" or "Dude, you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie. [throws them and his Silent Bob hat and wig to the ground] HAUNTED by it!
- James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie?
- Jason Biggs: Enough! [sighs] Jason Biggs.
- Jay: Yo, man. Did you really get the third base with that Russian chick like in the movie?
- Jason Biggs: You mean Shannen? No.
- Jay: Man, she is fucking fine. If I was you, I would've been like... [does some gestures] Ooh. [softly] Just like that. Like that? [to Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek] What, you never did one of these? [pretends he's making out] Wait, wait.
- James Van Der Beek: [takes his Jay hat and wig off] Done plenty of that, my friend.
- Jay: Holy shit, you're the Dawson!
- James Van Der Beek: James, actually. James Van Der Beek.
- [A group of security guards run onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry, sirs. Looks like we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
- Matt Damon: Jesus. Again, Ben?
- Ben Affleck: Go, bullshit! 'Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. Ha-ha!
- Willenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
- Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.
- Willenholly: [starts reading Jay and Silent Bob's note] "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are ball-lickers. Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we're..." They're going to Hollywood.
- Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.
- Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.
- [Justice is repulsed when Jay makes a quick save]
- Jay: Oh, hi. I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
- Justice: It's nice to meet you.
- Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...
- [Aside, to Silent Bob]
- Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...
- Devil Jay: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha!
- [looks down at Jay's erection]
- Devil Jay: What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kind of shit.
- Devil Jay #2: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out. But we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip, boy...
- [both devils disappear]
- Angel Jay: [with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing] Jesus loves the little children...
- [stops singing]
- Angel Jay: Oh, sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
- [looks down at Jay's erection]
- Angel Jay: Oh, shit! Don't tell me you're thinking of whipping your dick out at this fine piece of woman, are you?
- [Jay nods. Angel slaps him with his harp]
- Angel Jay: Tell you what. Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks it's a good idea to whip your dick out.
- [Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head no]
- Angel Jay: That's it, boy. Put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth, be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta go beat the shit out of two sucker-punchin' little bitches. Remember, don't pull your dick out 'til she asked. Or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
- [while trying to get comfortable at an unfamiliar gas station]
- Jay: Just isn't the same, is it? This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? She is TOO fine! And she smells SO fuckin' pretty. She has a nice voice too. And that body? Fuckin' smokin'! You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talkin' to her. Or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunchbox... she could be the one.
- [Justice and the girls are inside the store]
- Missy: Smooth move, Justice.
- Chrissy: Nice going, four eyes.
- [slaps Justice in the head]
- Justice: Ow!
- Sissy: Why the fuck did you let that little stoner throw Brent out of the van?
- Justice: Oh, please. If I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs, I was gonna throw him out myself.
- Sissy: We needed Brent, Justice. He was our patsy, remember?
- Justice: We'll just find someone else. Besides, I didn't see you try to stop Jay from throwing him out.
- Sissy: Yeah, I didn't wanna blow our cover.
- Justice: Cover, schmover. You all hated his songs too.
- Chrissy: Not as much as I hate you.
- Sissy: We have a very simple gang here, Justice. I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn and Missy's the tech girl. But lately, I'm having a little trouble figuring out what you're doing here.
- Chrissy: Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme.
- Sissy: Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They've gotta break into Provasik now.
- Justice: Uh-uh.
- Sissy: Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.
- Justice: Jay? No, he's not.
- Sissy: What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?
- Justice: Well, maybe he just has manners.
- [cut to Jay outside, hollaring at a woman walking past him]
- Jay: Yo, baby, ever have your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? [he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock] Yeeaah...!
- Sissy: We've got about two hours before we get to Boulder. That'll give you plenty of time to work on him.
- Justice: I'm not gonna do it.
- Sissy: Why the fuck not?
- Justice: Because he's just so innocent! Look at him.
- [Jay rubs his knee against the store window]
- Sissy: Who's it gonna be, Jussie? Him or us?
- Jay: [singing] I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey.
- Jay: I'd known that shit earlier, man, I've been stealing monkeys since I was like seven and shit. Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin this for me. Me and Justice are gonna get married one day, so don't be giving me no look like, "Oh, we ain't gonna steal the monkey, shit." I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch. Don't forget that. That girl, that girl's in love with me.
- [Matt Damon and Ben Affleck on the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
- Matt Damon: Just take it from "it's a good course".
- Ben Affleck: What, so you're the director now?
- Matt Damon: Shove it, Bounce boy, and just remember who talked who into this shit. I mean, talking me into Dogma is one thing...
- Ben Affleck: Hey, I'm sorry if I dragged you away from whatever gay serial killers who like to ride horses while they play golf touchy-feely picture you're doing this week...
- Matt Damon: I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?
- Ben Affleck: You're like a child! What do I keep telling you? You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture... and sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him. [both look at the audience] And then sometimes you gotta go back to the well.
- Matt Damon: Yeah, and sometimes you do Reindeer Games.
- Ben Affleck: See, that was just mean!
- Willenholly: Oh, god. This is the last thing I needed. A bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off to liberal media that the Federal Wildlife Marshall office persecutes gays.
- Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son, that's the ape!
- Willenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now, is a political fiasco here, that I'm about to avoid by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go. [on bullhorn] You are free to leave, sirs! [Jay and Silent Bob point to each other questioningly] Yes, you sirs.
- Jay: So we can just go?
- Willenholly: Yes, sir. Please accept my apologies for detaining you and your unorthodox but constitutionally protected family unit.
- Sheriff: Un-fucking-believable.
- Willenholly: I might add, that's one fine-looking boy you're raising, there.
- Jay: Hell yeah, that's 'cause he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours who I fuck on the side, so not to be all the way gay, but my tubby husband, here. He's 100% queer. He loves the cock.
- Willenholly: Well, he certainly looks insatiable. Bye-bye.
- Jay: Bye-bye.
- Tricia Jones: [on "Bluntman & Chronic: The Movie"] Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.
- Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
- Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
- Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
- Jason Mewes as Jay
- Kevin Smith as Silent Bob
- Shannon Elizabeth as Justice
- Will Ferrell as Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly
- Eliza Dushku as Sissy
- Ali Larter as Chrissy
- Jennifer Schwalbach Smith as Missy
- Ben Affleck as Holden McNeil / Himself
- Matt Damon as Himself
- Chris Rock as Chaka Luther King
- Brian O'Halloran as Dante Hicks
- Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves
- Jamie Kennedy as Chaka's production assistant
- Jason Lee as Brodie Bruce / Banky Edwards
- Wes Craven as Himself
- Mark Hamill as Himself / Cock-Knocker / Scooby-Doo
- Marc Blucas as Fred Jones
- Matthew James as Shaggy Rogers
- Jane Silvia as Velma Dinkley
- Carmen Llywelyn as Daphne Blake
- Gus Van Sant as Himself
- Diedrich Bader as Miramax Security Guard Gordon
- Sean William Scott as Brent
- Alanis Morissette as God
- George Carlin as a hitchhiker
- Carrie Fisher as a nun
- Judd Nelson as a sheriff
- Jon Stewart as Reg Hartner
- Shannen Doherty as Herself
- Tracy Morgan as Pumpkin Escobar
- Jason Biggs as Himself / Bluntman
- James Van Der Beek as Himself / Chronic
- Scott William Winters as Himself / Clark