Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!"
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
Mother mother fuck,
Mother mother fuck fuck,
Mother fuck mother fuck,
Noise, noise, noise.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,
Noise, noise, noise.
Smoking weed, smoking whizz,
Doing coke, drinking beers,
Drinking beers, beers, beers,
Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts.
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts!
Rolling blunts and smoke the b...
15 bucks, little man,
Put that shit in my hand
If that money doesn't show
Then you owe me, owe me, owe
Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
What the fuck is The Internet?
What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
(While humping Silent Bob) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!
(On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to do. No one rules C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? [gestures to Silent Bob] I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord? When? When's gonna be my time?"
A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? [Holden, Jay, and Silent Bob look out into the audience]
Ben Affleck: You're like a child! What do I keep telling you? You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture... and sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him. [both look at the audience] And then sometimes you gotta go back to the well.
Willenholly: Oh, great. This is the last thing I needed. A bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off to liberal media that the Federal Wildlife Marshall office persecutes gays.
Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son, that's the ape!
Willenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now, is a political fiasco here, that I'm about to avoid by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go. [on bullhorn] You are free to leave, sirs! And might I add, that's a fine looking boy you're raising.
Tricia Jones: [on "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"] Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.
Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.