Kenny vs. Spenny
Kenny vs. Spenny (2003-2010) is a Canadian comedy reality TV series about two best friends, Kenneth "Kenny" Joel Hotz and Spencer "Spenny" Nolan Rice, who face each other constantly to achieve glory in defeating one another at different competitions arranged by both at the beginning, commonly one per episode.
Who Can Stay Awake the Longest? [1.2]
- Kenny: The only reason I'm kinda looking forward to it is I hear you actually can go crazy and hallucinate.
- [After only 6 hours of being awake]
- Kenny: I, uh...I feel pretty good...pretty good... Spencer, umm...Spencer, how are you feeling?
- Spenny: How am I feeling? I've been up for 6 hours. I don't even want to be shot now. People are gonna wanna see me after I've been awake for 24 hours. This is ridiculous. I'm not even gonna be tired until 3 or 4 in the morning, so we're just wasting tape.
- [Camera pans over to Kenny "sleeping"]
- Spenny: Very funny.
- Kenny: This is like a dream competition for me. I drink as much coffee as I want and eventually I hallucinate.
- Dr. Moldofsky: We're at the sleep disorders clinic at the Center for Sleep and Chronobiology with Spenny and Benny.
- Kenny: Kenny.
- Spenny: Kenny.
- Dr. Moldofsky: [laughing] Kenny and Benny.
- Kenny: You need some sleep.
- Kenny: So what are ways that I can stay awake?
- Dr. Goldfield: What we do! We pull our hair [pulls hair] ow, ow! And we clench our anus, haha!
Who Can Stay Blindfolded the Longest? [1.9]
- [Kenny pretends to leave the house]
- Kenny: You want anything?
- Spenny: Yeah, don't come back.
- Kenny: I may be back, I may not. You may not know - when I'm here or when I'm a shadow. When I'm a ghost or when you're alone. You may never know again. You may never know...
Who Can Win a Series of Mini-Competitions? [1.11]
- Kenny: If it wasn't for spell check I would be legally retarded.
- [Reaching in his pants]
- Kenny: Oh god, where's a forklift when you need it?
[During "who can pee the longest" and Kenny is cheating with a hot water bottle filled with apple juice]
- Spenny: What is going on? You're peeing on the -
- Kenny: Well I'm nervous get away!
- Spenny: You're dribbling like an old ma - You're getting it all over the floor!
- Kenny: [Laughing] It's just pee!
[Spenny tries looking over Kenny's shoulder]
- Kenny: I'm peeing - are you trying to get a look at my dick?!
- Spenny: [Laughing] It's not - that's not your dick what is that!?
- Kenny: [Laughing] It is my dick! It's my dick! Don't look!
[Kenny's hot water bottle starts leaking and Spenny knows he's cheating, Kenny tries spraying him with the "urine"]
- Spenny: [Laughing] Oh my God! Disqualification! Disqualification! What are you insane? What the hell is that, is that piss?!
Who Can Stay Handcuffed the Longest? [1:13]
- Wolfish: [Holding a Picture of Two Dogs] This is Buzz and Baldy. They're brothers and they're my boys. They're the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. Their passing was a difficult thing to get through, but out of pain comes a whole lot of growth. It was so traumatic and difficult for me to deal with their loss because I was so unhappy. They're with me now and we're together and we're going to make a difference. Spenny killed my dogs!
- Spenny: No more robot dance, that's all I ask. Do not robot dance anymore.
- [Kenny is Singing and Mimicing a Robot]
- Kenny: I'm a robot kazoo. I love you. I'm a robot kazoo.
Who Can Put On the Best Concert? [1:14]
- [Kenny practicing with batons at a music store]
- Kenny: Let me see... [snaps and throws the batons] You idiots!... Yeah, that'll be perfect. I'll take a couple of those.
- Music Store Owner: I can't believe you just did that.
- Kenny: I gotta make sure that they work.
- Spenny: This is without question the lowest Kenny has ever sunk. The judges made me sick. Everyone believed him. He hid behind the innocence of children. It is so low that I uh - even for Kenny. I'm quite frankly shocked.
Who is a Better Figure Skater? [1.21]
- [Kenny is pretending to have a broken leg and is referring to soup Spenny brought for him]
- Kenny: It's too salty. Did you put four cups of water in it?
- Spenny: Go to hell.
- Kenny: Thank you. Bastard. It's your fault I have a broken leg!
- Spenny: Get a nurse! AND A NANNY!
- Spenny: Six more weeks of this and I'll break his other leg.
- [Kenny is yelling in the living room to Spenny who's sitting in his office upstairs.]
- Kenny: I have to go to the bathroom! Pee Pee! Pee Pee!
- Spenny: You know, he's just milking this for all it's worth and this is just not acceptable.
- Kenny: Spenny?!
- Spenny: I'm calling your mother!
- Kenny: She's working and I have to go pee come on!
- [Spenny comes downstairs]
- Spenny: I gotta sit and take care of you for six weeks! I'm not your fucking nurse!
- Kenny: You are partially responsible for this!
- Spenny: I am not at all responsible. I am not at all responsible!
- Kenny: Yeah you are! Yes you are!
- Spenny: Get you coffee! Get you this! I gotta pee! I'm helping you! Here, get up get up!
- Kenny: You're disgusting. You're disgusting!
- Spenny: Great I'm disgusting, just get up.
Who Can Survive in the Woods the Longest? [1:23]
- Kenny: I'm just gonna climb up on top of Mother Nature and bust her bronco like the little bitch that she is.
- Spenny: First of all, you don't call Mother Nature a "bitch".
- Kenny: She is a bitch.
- Spenny: Well, I don't agree with that.
- Kenny: I'm gonna take care of her, froggy style.
- Spenny: Look, the more crazy he talks, the more scared he actually is.
- Kenny: I'm goin' primitive, man. I'm goin' primitive on your ass! I'm goin' primitive on you, Spenny!
- Spenny: Oh, Jesus...
- Kenny: I'm goin' Apocalypse Now on you! And you better watch it.
- Spenny: I'll give him 10 hours, tops.
- Kenny: 11.
- [Kenny after building a makeshift bed]
- Kenny: Aside from the stick in my ass, this is actually pretty comfy.
- Kenny: I've got itch-ass.
- Spenny: Did you use leaves?
- Kenny: Yeah, but I used okay leaves. But it's still fucking itchy.
- Spenny: You used like, leaves to wipe, and you don't know what the leaves... they could've been poison ivy.
- Kenny: Oh my God... you gotta...
- Spenny: What are you doing?
- Kenny: I'm making you look at my ass. If there's a rash or...
- Spenny: I'm not looking at your...
- Kenny: You have to see if there's a rash.
- Spenny: I am not looking at your ass.
- Kenny: Look at my ass.
- Spenny: No!
- [Kenny pulls down his pants]
- Spenny: Oh, God! Urgh... I don't know, man. I'm colour blind so it's hard for me to see.
Who Can Drink More Beer? [2.1]
- Kenny: If he dies from alcohol poisioning, it is a forfeit and I have won.
- Kenny: Confucius say, "Person who go to bed with itchy tooshie, wake up with smelly finger".
- [To Goldfield]
- Kenny: How do I make my penis smaller? Because it's huge.
- Goldfield: Oh! I've never heard such a complaint!
- Spenny: No matter how much you wiggle and dance, the very last drop goes down your pants. That's a very famous saying, I believe written by Keats.
Who Can Stay Naked The Longest? [2.2]
- Kenny: Today we get to see Spencer's penis! Unfortunately you won't be able to see mine because we're not shooting the show in IMAX
Who Can Win a Rat Race? [2:9]
- Kenny: Originally, Spenny wanted to have this race with like, black people, where we each get a black man and...
- Spenny: Are you crazy?!
- Kenny: You wanted to do that! I think it's disgusting.
- Spenny: Lying, lying. Black man?
- Kenny: I was just so disgusted, fucking disgusted.
- Spenny: Fuck off! I never, ever, ever wanted to race a black person. I've raced against a black person in high school and I lost. That doesn't mean that all black people are faster than white people, but this particular individual was, and the fact that you bring up anything about racism, or anything related to anything like that, is absolutely ridiculous.
Who Is the Better Journalist? [2:10]
- Kenny: You know what people care about? Stars. Celebrities. They want Oprah without her makeup. Danny DeVito making love to a chimpanzee. That's what they want, and that's I'm going to give you.
- Spenny: Who's she?
- Kenny: Ah, it's some average girl.
- Spenny: She's hot!
- Kenny: Meh.
- Spenny: Why aren't you doing the news thing?
- Kenny: Well, "News Flash", me getting laid.
- Spenny: Where the hell are you in life if you're living beside a bridge under a tarp?
- Camera Operator: There's people that live in the sewer, man.
- Spenny: In the sewer?
- Camera Operator: Yeah.
- Spenny: With all the poo and pee?
- Camera Operator: Yeah.
- Spenny: In this city, or was it like New York or something?
- Camera Operator: Nah, it's here.
- Spenny: We've gotta find these people! I wish you would've told me that sooner. People living in the sewer, that's fantastic!
- Spenny: There's no way anybody lives here, man. I'm up to my fucking balls in water!
- Spenny: I am not going to lose this competition. I'm not going to let Kenny win anymore. This is it, I've had enough, alright. And I don't care if we have to fucking push over an old lady to win this fucking thing. We're gonna do it, alright? What is wrong?! Why can't we find a news story?! I'm the guy that gets humiliated! I'm the guy that's on the line here! We have one more night to win this, okay? There's shootings and killings and death every single day! Why can't we find one?! I'm sick of this shit. [walks away]
- Camera Operator: He just hates losing, that's all.
- Production Assistant: You'd think he'd be used to it by now.
Who Can Sell More Bibles? [2.11]
- Kenny: I'm going to make Spenny turn against his beliefs, turn against his morals, and his righteousness. I am the snake and you are Eve. It's time to bite my apple, man.
- Spenny: Dude, it has been a dream my whole life to sell a script.
- Production Assistant: What about the bibles?
- Spenny: Fuck the bibles!
First One to be Mean Loses [2.12]
- Kenny: You feel a little tingle in your stomach, and the tingle is friendship. And when that tingle hits your heart, it becomes love.
- Spenny: Or herpes.
- [Spenny slams cabinet door]
- Kenny: Hey, making loud noises is mean, Spenny.
- Kenny: There are some things that I've done that are so mean to Spenny that I think they are detrimental to his health right now, and I think if I came clean, he would truly believe I was trying to change.
- Spenny: What kinds of things are you talking about?
- Kenny: Like, just little things, like, I stuck his toothbrush up my ass two weeks ago and he's still using it. I'm so sorry I used to be mean.
- [Spenny buries his face in his palms]
- Relationship Counselor: I think we need to end this session now. I can't be of any help to you.
- Kenny: Well, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it. Come on Spencer, let's go.
- [Spenny leaves the room, shaking his head]
- Kenny: I'm so sorry Spenny is an asshole.
- Spenny: You fucked Catherine Stockwood while I was seeing her?
- Kenny: Yeah.
- Spenny: Where?
- Kenny: [lowers his head in shame], In the vagina. Fucking, fucking for hours on end, just fucking her and fucking her.
- Spenny: Please, just cut the cameras.
- Kenny: It's true, I'm sorry. But still, it's very nice of me to tell you.
- Kenny: Spencer, you are a rat in my maze. Believe me, you're not gonna get the cheese.
- Kenny: I miss the olden days, you know? When we were just kids, didn't have a care in the world. Now we've got these corporate pigs watching our every move, and this stupid show, these competitions-- they're just useless!
- Spenny: It has affected our relationship, there's no question about it.
- Kenny: I swear to you from the bottom of my heart, friend, I'm tired of being mean. I'm tired of being a cheater, and a crook, and the vermin virus that I am.
- Spenny: I don't think we've spent time like this in what, 15 years?
- Kenny: We should have more competitions like this.
- Spenny: We can't, that's the problem. They want us to kill each other. That's what they want.
First One to Laugh Loses [3.1]
- Spenny: What the? What is that? [Spenny is referring to a novelty vagina that Kenny is wearing on his face, then Kenny starts to "finger" his face] OH THAT'S DISGUSTING! You know this is disgusting what you're doing. Kenny it's not working.
- Kenny: [Mimics mouth movements with the novelty] Do you have a breath mint? [Makes vagina fart noises with the novelty] Bonjour! Comment ça va aujourd'hui?
Who do Gay Guys Like More? [3.2]
- Spenny: I think I should have the last date. Obviously we're not dating the same person at the same time. Can I go second please?
- Kenny: Can you go suck it?
- Spenny: SECOND!
- Kenny: What was, you want to..
- Spenny: Fuck!
- Kenny: Fuck? Now you want to fuck? First you wanted to suck now you want to fuck?
Who Can Produce More Semen? [3.7]
- Spenny: LET ME MASTURBATE ALONE! FUCK!
- Kenny: This time I'm making the rules! Cum rules: One, no children. Two, no homeless gentlemen. Three, no corpses animal or human. Four, you cannot masturbate me to make me cum.
- Spenny: People fuck animals, people fuck feet. I've never heard of anyone fucking meat. And I'm begging you the next time stick a fuckin' post-it note saying "fucked it" and I won't eat it.
- Kenny: I didn't fuck it.
- Spenny: You didn't fuck it?
- Kenny: Not really. I made love to it.
Who Can Stay in a Haunted House the Longest? [3.8]
- Spenny: You shut up for two seconds. This is not a Kenny versus Spenny competition this is a competition between good and evil and guess which one you are buddy!
- Kenny: Good?
- Spenny: NO, EVIL!
Who Can Catch a Bigger Fish? [3.10]
- Spenny: We're having a fishing competition why are we talking about vaginas?
- Spenny: Do you know what a lure is? Do you know what a bait is? Do you know...
- Kenny: I bait the fish with my allure.
- Spenny: So it's all gonna be puns. But the reality is, have you ever looked at a tackle box? Do you know what that is? Do you have any idea?
- Kenny: I've tackled a lot of boxes my friend.
- Spenny: Oh God, with the fuckin' puns. Stop it!
- Kenny: Oh, one more rule. You can't use your penis as bait, 'cause fish love worms.
- Kenny: [On Loudspeaker] Mayday! Mayday! Spenny's Mother is a whore! A dirty whore!
- Spenny: Kenny shut up! Shut up!
- Kenny: Mayday! She's a whore! She likes it up the ass!
- Spenny: That's it. That's it. [Goes up to Kenny and starts choking him] DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER! [To the boat's captain and is referring to the loudspeaker] Turn this off! Turn it off! Jesus Christ!
- Kenny: Call me Kenny.
- Ship's Captain: Calm down it's off, it's off.
- Kenny: Don't call me Jesus in front of people.
- Spenny: Don't tell me to calm down. Get down there and don't touch my fuckin' rod.
- Kenny: That's not what you said last night.
- Spenny: Ok, one more fuckin' rod joke, dick joke, stick joke and I'm gonna fuckin' lose it!
Who Can Imitate the Other Guy Better? [3:11]
- Kenny: There's nothing more important to Spenny than being me, being in love with me, wanting to emulate me, and become...the son of God.
- Spenny: You are the last person on the planet that I wanna be like. Do you understand that?
- Kenny: It's gonna be very hard for me to impersonate Spenny. Really what I have to do is: masturbate in playgrounds...what else do you do?
- Spenny: Fuck squirrels...in the park.
- Kenny: In the park? I thought it was in the ass.
- Spenny: I'm a crack addict...
- Kenny: Guys cracks.
- Spenny: Umm...what else do I do? I'm a necrophiliac.
- Kenny: Oh, one sec, you are a...shit eating...
- Spenny: Oh, that's right. I'm a shit eating fuck head. See I'm going to win, because I've captured your essence. I have to be him. Feel sorry for me.
- Kenny: In other words, it's time for him to become funny, and for me to stop being funny.
- Spenny: People think I'm funny.
- Kenny: Looking
- [Spenny walks in on Kenny as he pretends to eat feces]
- Spenny: What the fuck are you doing? Oh My God! Kenny what is that? That can't be.
- Kenny: What is it? It's dinner.
- Spenny: Is that real fuckin' poo?
- Kenny: Kenny if you're gonna interupt my dinner you might as well set up a plate and sit down.
- Spenny: Ok this is fuckin' ridiculous. I've never done anything like that in my life. Ever!
- Kenny: Oh no, I'm allergic to peanuts! [Spitting out fake feces]
- Spenny: This is completely ridic - what are you doing?! Is that fuckin' poo?
- Donny Rose: It's just brownie mix, cake.
- Spenny: You're ruining my fuckin' shirt. The fuckin' toilet looks like shit. [Kenny spits up more poo] Me at the toilet eating shit is fuckin' beyond the pale, BEYOND THE PALE!
- [Spenny imitating Kenny, covering his face in chocolate cake]
- Spenny: I pooped my panties!
- Kenny's Mother: Spencer, no! That's too much!
- Spenny: I got poo-poo on my nose! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
- Kenny's Mother: Spencer, that's enough! Out! Get out!
- Spenny: [breaking character] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's what your son's like. You know what he did today? He made, uh, fake poo, and ate it, pretending to be me. That's what he did today.
- Kenny's Mother: That's why he's so funny.
- Spenny: You think that's funny?
- Kenny's Mother: I think that's funny.
- Spenny: And this isn't funny?
- Kenny's Mother: No, this is messy.
[Spenny as himself and referring to the current state of his bedroom]
- Spenny: Ok, I don't give a fuck if I'm in character or not. This is character assassination, this has nothing to do with my character! He's got dildos, books, gay magazines, condoms, and what the fuck is this? [referring to a stain on his bed] He pissed my bed! He pissed my bed! He pissed my bed! This is bullshit man. Fuck!
[Spenny as himself]
- Spenny: This whole thing is fucking ridiculous. It has degenerated into a cartoon. I'm sick of him [Kenny], I'm sick of being him, and the coffee, and the mother jokes, and eating the fucking shit. Is he just walking all over me and I'm allowing him to do it? Do I have to debase myself, and go down to his level? And roll in the mud? Is that what this is all about? And maybe right now, maybe right now I should be doing Kenny, but I... I can't, I don't have it in me. The well is dry. I have nothing left. I have nothing left to give. Because becoming Kenny Hotz, even for this short period of time, I think it has damaged my soul. I do. I think I've actually damaged my soul. I think I'm going to have to repair myself, to get back to what I used to be, what I am and what I always wanted to be, is what I should be. And I'm not perfect. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm not. I just try to be good. That's all I do.
Who Can Stay Homeless the Longest? [3.12]
- Spenny: When you realize that you'll have no responsibilities, you'll have no bills to pay, you won't have to bathe--which you do [sic] anyway--so you can stink, and everybody will stink, so you'll blend in with the crowd. You might actually enjoy it. That's actually a real concern of mine.
- Kenny: I'm gonna pay homeless people to rape Spenny, and it's gonna cost me a lot of money.
- Spenny: You know what, even just referring to them as homeless people--they're all individuals.
- Kenny: I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't refer to them as homeless. I should refer to them as stinky bums.
- Kenny: To me, homeless people are like the birds. You know, they're free, they splash around, they wash themselves in fountains.
- Spenny: Shh! I'm homeless!
- Kenny: Yeah, you're brainless.
- Spenny: Where's my shoe?!
- Kenny: A homeless guy took it.
- Spenny: If you don't give me my shoe, I'm going to urinate in your mouth!
Arm Wrestling Competition [3.13]
- Kenny: I'm a hemorrhoid because I'm on your ass, man. I'm fucking tailing you. And the more you scratch, the more you rub, the bigger I get, until eventually I'm gonna fucking pop all over your ass! Oh wait, no...
First Guy to Get a Boner Loses [4.1]
- Kenny: [To the mirror] Ooh! Yeah, you are fucking hot man! I fucking love you! Yeah, you fucking love me? I fucking love you. Do you love me? Well, let's go! You wanna go? OK!
- [Proceeds to make out with himself in the mirror]
- Kenny: I can't do this. I gotta stop, I'm getting a boner.
- Kenny: You shaved your legs!
- Spenny: No I didn't, I clipped them.
- Kenny: You clipped your leg hair!
- Spenny: Yes, I did.
- Kenny: You're a fancy girl. You're very fancy. That's so beautiful. What gets you hard, lover?
- Spenny: What gets me hard? Usually, you know, masturbation or a woman--having some kind of sexual contact with a woman. I mean, this isn't rocket science.
- Kenny: You love rockets, right?
- Spenny: Who me?
- Kenny: Yeah.
- Spenny: I do like rockets.
- Kenny: [thrusting] Like a big Mars lunar lander? Is that what you want?
- Spenny: I would like to go to outer space.
- Kenny: You want to go to Uranus.
- Spenny: I wouldn't mind going to Uranus.
- Kenny: You wanna go to my anus?
- Spenny: No, I didn't say that--I said Uranus, which is a planet.
- Kenny: If I have to, you know, pull my pants down and smear anchovy paste in my ass to give this guy a boner, I'm willing to do this because I'm going to fucking win.
- Kenny: Alright, Spenny and I have decided that neither of us are going to get a boner, so the only thing left to do is have a bone-off. We both picked lap dancers for the other person. They are going to grind us--
- Spenny: Simultaneously.
- Kenny: The first person to get a boner loses.
- Kenny: Well, umm--
- Spenny: Did you get a redhead for me?
- Kenny: I couldn't find a redhead, but I did find...Hugo! Come on out for Spencer!
- Spenny: What? No! No! No! No! No! No!
- Kenny: We had an arrangement--we pick eachother's lap dancers!
- Spenny: Oh my god, Kenny!
- Kenny: You sit down!
- Spenny: No, I wanted a dancer--a female dancer!
- Kenny: No, you said we pick the other person's lap dancer, I picked Hugo. This is better for you, if this doesn't turn you on then you're going to win so sit the fuck down and let's do this. Right?
- Spenny: OK, this could be good. Let's go.
- [Kenny won the competition]
- Kenny: I know everyone was thinking that what I was doing was stupid and you believed Spencer, but in the end it was my master plan and it totally worked.
- Spenny: Can I make a statement? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw your girl, Jersey, and she had those boots on with the buckles--it was very erotic. It was a combination of that, and grinding of Hugo that was just, uh, caused, uh, you know, blood to flow in certain places. Now, I'm OK with it, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I don't think anything happened to me that wouldn't happen to the average heterosexual man.
- Kenny: I do love him, even if he doesn't admit he loves me. But not in that way!
Who Can Blow the Biggest Fart? [4.2]
- Kenny: I blow fuckin Rambo farts man.
- Kenny: Hi, I’m Kenny Hotz and you may not recognize me because right now you’re looking at me through a thermal lens. What the lens does is it shows your hot parts of your body. As you can see my hands are hotter then my face because I was just massaging my penis; which is super hot.
- Kenny: I've developed a system to psych out Spenny. It is called the F.A.R.T.: Flatulent Assisted Rectal Tubing. This is going to give me the biggest fart in the history of mankind.
- [Inserting tube into anus]
- Kenny: Slower Spencer.
- Kenny: I’m going to look like Brad Pitt the second I let this baby go.
- Spenny: Yeah.
- Kenny: I am.
- Spenny: Brad Armpit.
- Kenny: Did Spenny just make a joke?
First Guy to Get A Stain Loses [4.5]
- Spenny: Kenny! You could've killed me!
- Kenny: What?
- Spenny: You threw something into the fuckin' pond!
- Kenny: Oh my God! How the fuck did you get all of those stains?
- Spenny: Don't give me that, don't give me the tilt of the head.
- Kenny: No no honestly!
- Spenny: None of this counts!
- Kenny: Oh that totally - what are you talking about? It's an old house man that happens all the fuckin' time!
- Spenny: Oh so an old house just spat - the pond is way off the house! It doesn't make sense! The physics of it just doesn't make sense! Jesus Christ!
- Kenny: What happened? He said a rock fell off? You LOST!
- Spenny: Idiot!
Who Can Be Tied to a Goat the Longest? [4.6]
- Kenny: You're obviously gonna lose. My goat likes me. We're happy. We have good comedic timing.
- Kenny: What can I say, he fell for the old, uh, dead lamb tied to the other leg bit. Come on, he deserves to lose.
- Kenny: Brush your bum, brush your bum, with Spenny's toothbrush!
- Spenny: The symbolism isn't lost on me, I have the white goat he has the black goat.
- Kenny: Oh, so now you're a racist?
- Spenny: No, I was talking about cowboys!
Who Can Handle More Torture? [4.7]
- Kenny: Arachnoid, my friend, oh, how I admire you. The web you weave is hard to see until your enemy is entangled and you're silking threads. Well, Spencer... you are my enemy, you are my prey, and the entangled web I weave will soon embrace you.
- Kenny: Do you know why Jesus stopped playing hockey?
- Spenny: No, why?
- Kenny: He kept getting nailed to the boards.
First Guy to Stop Singing Loses [4.8]
- Spenny (singing): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all...
- (he walks into his room to find Kenny standing on his bed in his underwear)
- Kenny: ONE, TWO, FUCK YOU!
- (Intro consisting of four bars of screaming)
- (Verse 1)
- Spencer Rice is a fuckin' fuck
- Spencer Rice is a fuckin' fuck
- Spencer Rice is a fuckin' fuck
- Let's kick him in the face!
- (Verse 2)
- Spencer Rice he can eat my ass
- Spencer Rice he can eat my ass
- Spencer Rice he can eat my ass
- He is my toilet!
- (Verse 3, not always shown)
- Spencer likes to diddle boys (shown on-screen as "Spencer diddles little boys")
- Spencer diddles little boys
- Spencer diddles little boys
- 'Cause I fucked his mom!
- (Verse 4)
- Spencer is Hitler's son
- Spencer is Hitler's son
- Spencer is Hitler's son
- Kenny is the best!
(Outro consisting of several bars of screaming)
- Kenny's synagogue choir (singing): Shabbat shalom, hey!
- Shabbat shalom, hey!
- Shabbat, shabbat, shabbat, shabbat shalom!
- Note: In the Hebrew language, the phrase "Shabbat shalom" literally means "Have a peaceful sabbath day." The on-screen subtitles, which are not always shown, give a joke translation: "We killed Jesus." This was likely inserted at Kenny's direction.
Who Can Commit the Most Crime? [4.10]
- Kenny: I'm going to commit so many crimes that it's going to make Al Capone look like Mother Teresa.
- Kenny: [crime: aggressive driving] Get out of the goddamn way, you motherfucker! You fucking asshole! I'm going to fucking kill you, motherfucker!
- Kenny: Do you want to catch king criminal? You can't even touch me, coppers! I've been doing a whole bunch of crimes, but now I want to rape a man. Let's do some man rape! Where's Spenny?
Who Can Bone More Women? [5.2]
- Kenny: My dick is four inches.
- Girls: Oh. What?
- Kenny: But that's okay. Some girls like it that thick
Who Can Wear a Gorilla Suit the Longest? [5.3]
- Kenny: Right before we started, Spenny was like, "Hey, it's Danny Glover vs. Morgan Freeman", and I was like, "You racist piece of shit".
- Spenny: No, no. I can't believe you say stuff like that.
- Spenny: The sad thing is, that the uh, the Mountain Gorilla is actually a critically endangered species. And that's not just endangered, that's critically endangered. Uncontrolled hunting--that's the poaching, war by human beings actually, uh, hurt them, and the destruction of their natural habitat. It's hard for me to say this without getting emotional but there's 700... 700 left in the world. That's it.
- Production Assistant: That's not true. There's not just 700. They just found like, 125,000 gorillas in the Congo.
- Spenny: When?
- Production Assistant: Were you on the internet at all, looking up gorillas?
- Kenny: I'm sure Spenny is downstairs talking about the gorilla and the plight of the gorilla. Well, fuck the fucking gorilla. I am a human being and it is our mission to destroy all other species. So if you see a gorilla, you know what you fucking do? You take a fucking axe and chop its head off, and sell its paws as ashtrays.
- [Kenny walks into Spenny's room]
- Spenny: Great, more gorilla rape. Yay!
- Kenny: In every gorilla pack, there's an alpha gorilla. And then there's alpha gorilla's bitch.
- Spenny: He doesn't know the basics. Gorillas don't get violent unless their families are threatened.
- Kenny: Yeah? Yeah?!
- Spenny: That's the truth.
- [Kenny punches Spenny in the face, Spenny fights back]
- Kenny: You wanna go gorilla style?!
- [Kenny and Spenny start beating their chests, making grunting noises]
- Spenny: What the fuck are we doing? This has nothing to do with anything.
- Spenny: I'm 100% Gorilla. Gorilla's don't shave, everybody knows that.
- [Jamie in gorilla costume acting like a gorilla offering bananas to Spenny]
- Spenny: You are a fucking retard.
First Guy to Touch the Ground Loses [5.5]
- Spenny: What is your problem, this morning?
- Kenny: I lost my kitty mug and I got this fuckin' stupid shitty mug with f-f-friggin' flowers on it. It doesn't fit my hand right.
- Kenny: Do you know why you took my kitty mug?
- Spenny: I DIDN'T TAKE IT!
- Kenny: Because you couldn't find any kitties to rape.
- Kenny: We're best friends.
- Spenny: We are so not best friends.
- Spenny: Don't let him in if he's crazy.
- Zeus: I just couldn't believe you licked a chick's ass.
- Spenny: You got nice pecs.
- Zeus: Thank-you very much.
- Kenny: MY BALLS ARE achin', my legs are shakin', I wish I was Jamaican.
- Kenny: Hi. You going in your sex chair?
- Spenny: IT'S NOT A SEX CHAIR!
- Spenny: Well how do you have sex on this?
- Kenny: Ask your dad I dunno.
- Spenny: ...and I'm hangin' here in a sex chair...
- Spenny: Ryan needs an orthodontist.
- Kenny: [After recently purchasing a bag of crabs with the intention of throwing them at Spenny] 'Tis hot out today. I have a feeling he's in a "crabby" mood.
- Kenny: The air is "electric", isn't it, Mr. Rice?
- Kenny: I have an "eeling" you guys will be "shockingly" friends.
- Kenny: What is that, Ryan?
- Spenny: Fuckin' bread.
- Kenny: He has asked me to offer you a riddle.
- Spenny: Whatever.
- Kenny: Fiddle-dee fiddle-dee-dee Mr. Rice. Name a fish with no legs that can...-is electric, and swims around under your feet!
- Spenny: That's a tough one.
- Kenny: What is it!?
- Spenny: It's an eel!
- Kenny: [Pause] You won again Mr. Rice! You've won again! [Kenny's Segway proceeds to go haywire and, consequently, Kenny falls off of it onto the floor, thus losing.]
Who Can 69 The Longest? [6.1]
- Spenny: Ok Go! Crabwalk!
- [Kenny farts loudly into Spenny's face]
- Spenny: Oh Fuck! Kenny!
- [Both laughing]
- Kenny: I can't help it.
- Spenny: You can give me your worst fuckin' garlic farts from New York City and I still won't give up the sixty-nine position!
- "Kenny": If i don't get a coffee, I'm going to bite your testee bag so hard, and drink your cock juice like a fucking expresso
- "Spenny": Cock Juice!
Who Can Have More Fun? [6.9]
- Kenny: It's so much fun to destroy old technology!
- [Kenny is destroying Spenny's tapedeck and stereo with a bat]
- Spenny: That's my technology! Stop it!
- Kenny: Take that tape deck! Tape deck! [Kenny pours gasoline on the broken stereo] Someone give me a match!
- Spenny: Are you crazy?! You're not doing that! [Spenny is singing] Burning the house down is not fun.
Who Can? [6.10]
- Kenny: Let the annointing begin!
- [Kenny whom is pretending to be a king is getting a foot massage from his unit manager Jamie and Jamie is groaning]
- Kenny: C'mon give me a foot massasge!
- Jaime: Give you a foot massage?! Are you nuts?!
- Kenny: C'mon just do it!
- Jaime: It's disgusting.
- Kenny: It's not that bad it's a foot!
- Jaime: It's gross. Have you smelled your own feet?
Who Can Produce The Best Commercial? [6.11]
- Maurice Del Taco (Kenny): [Maurice Del Taco is shouting in song] P IS FOR PINEAPPLE THAT GOES ON MY PIZZA... I IS FOR THE I IN I LOVE PIZZA... Z IS FOR THE ZIPPER GRAB THE PEPPERONI... Z IS FOR THE ZESTY PIZZA IS THE BESTY... A IS FOR THE WAY PIZZA MAKES ME FEEL; ALRIGHT!
Who can win a cockfight? [6.11]
- "'Kenny"': "Wash his eyes out. I fucking maced him."
- "'Spenny"': "Oh fuck, my eyes!"
The Kenny vs. Spenny Christmas Special aka Who Can Stay In A Christmas Tree The Longest?
- Kenny (in a fat suit):
I only ride the scooter for insurance purposes, trust me, i can be as flexable as you want me to be Scrooge!
- Steve Markle (as Spenny):
He lies and cheats to win each game. But I love him just the same. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm Spencer Rice and I want that maaaaan. I'M GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY. YES I AAAAAAAAAM! Kenny I want you deep inside of me tonight. I'm a useless nerd, a stinky turd. and you're my Jesus Christ.
...Kenny, sometimes at night, I cut myself... for you! Then I pull off my diapers... and let you work your magic... my god, you're good!
Kenny... I'm a loser. I rape pugs and sqirells, I'm a boozer. You have me beat, you're like God on high. but I still compete and I'll tell you why! It's because without you Kenny my heart... Would... Die...
Kenny vs. Spenny. Dir. Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice. Perf. Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice. http://www.showcase.ca/video/. 2008, CW Media Inc. Quotations for episode 5.5 retrieved January 4th, 2009.