South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

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South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is a 1999 film based on the animated television series South Park. Directed by Trey Parker. Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady.

Dialogue from the film[edit]

Stan: Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie?
Sharon Marsh: A movie?
Stan: Yeah. It's gonna be the best movie ever. It's a foreign film from Canada.

Mrs. McCormick: Where do you think you're going?
Kenny: [muffled] I'm going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Mrs. McCormick: You can't, you have to go to church.
Kenny: [muffled] But Mom, I really wanna see the movie!
Mrs. McCormick: Well, that's just fine. You go ahead and miss church, then when you die and go to Hell, you can answer to Satan!!!
Kenny: [muffled] Okay!

Ike: Buh-buh-buh-buh.
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Ike is kicked through a window]
Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke another window! That's a bad baby! Bad baby!

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
Cartman: Let's see... Nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!
Ike: Buh-buh-buh-buh.
Stan: Shhh! The Movie's Starting!

Phillip: Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. What?
[Phillip farts]
Stan: Where do they come up with this stuff?
Terrance: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip! (boys gasp)
Kyle: What did he say?
Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?
Terrance: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
Phillip: Oh yeah!

Phillip: Oh, you shit-faced cock-master!
Boys: Wow!
Cartman: Shit-faced cock-master.
Terrance: Listen, you donkey-raping shit eater--
Kyle: Donkey-raping shit eater.
Ike: Dokky-waping sheedeeder.

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve?
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
Kyle: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
Cartman: [mocking Kyle in high-pitched, gibberish voice]
Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: Hey! Don't call me fat, ya fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck." You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said fuck again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody! Fuck, fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck!
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go the principal's office?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[everyone gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [enraged] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [picks up a megaphone] "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, frozen with fury]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Chef: Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's everything?
Boys: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again.
Chef: That's too bad.
Cartman: You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind... (laughs)
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: No, dude; I was scared too. Your mom's a fuckin' bitch.
Kyle: DON'T call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
Cartman: DON'T call me fat, you butt-fuckin' son of a bitch!
Chef: Woah, children! When did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman: (While he, Kyle and Kenny are leaving Stan with Chef) It's pretty fuckin' sweet, huh?
Stan: Chef, how can you get a girl to like you?
Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just got to find the clitoris.
Stan: The what?
Chef: Whoops!
Stan: What does that mean, find the clitoris?
Chef: Just forget I said anything! Move along, children; you're holding up the line...

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, what?
Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?
Stan: Yeah!
Mr. Mackey: Ah-hh! Now I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Stan: Nowhere.
Kyle: Um, We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt Mr. Garrison ever said "eat penguin shit, you ass-behonker."

Liane Cartman: Eric, what is it?
Cartman: I saw him, I saw Kenny!
Liane Cartman: Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much. [strokes Cartman]
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? [gets shocked again] Ow!

Cartman: Mom, if you were in a German Scheisse video, you would tell me, right?
Liane Cartman: [pause] Sure, hon. Good night!

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

Kyle: Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Clyde: 'Course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians because they made me have a dirty mouth!

Kyle: Ike, you have to stay in the attic, 'cause if they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don't worry, Ike, we're gonna put an end to this, and then I'll make Mom come home and we'll be a family again. [leaves]
Ike: I like baby's home. [starts playing harmonica]

Gregory: I'm here for "La Resistance."
Kyle: What's the password?
Gregory: I don't know.
Kyle: Guess.
Gregory: Um, bacon.
Kyle: Fine.

Kyle: You're late, Cartman!
Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle: Your behind?
Cartman: I have to say "behind" 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass." [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

Kyle: We can't leave without you!
The Mole: It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle: No, we can't leave without you! We don't know where the fuck we are!

Kyle: Mole, be careful.
The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb? [leaves]
Stan: [to Cartman] Dude, that kid is fucked up.

Stan: Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Shelly Marsh: All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?
Stan: Shelly, where's the clitoris?
[Shelly picks up a chair and hits Stan over the head with it]
Shelly: You just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my Britney Spears records.

Stan: We're "La Resistance." We want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cock-sucking asshole, then I get grounded.

The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?
Stan: Check.
The Mole: And the rope?
Stan: Check.
The Mole: And the butt-for?
Stan: What's a butt-for?
The Mole: For pooping, silly. [takes a long drag on his cigarette, then puffs out smoke]

Terrance: Want to see the northern lights?
[Lights his fart on fire and burns up]
Phillip: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.
Terrance: I sure did, Phillip.

[Phillip farts, sending Terrance flying through the air]
Terrance: Good one, Phillip!
Phillip: Cheers, fuck-face.
Conan O'Brien: Guys, you can't say that on TV.
Phillip: Now Terrance smells like my ass!
Brooke Shields: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
[silence; Terrance slaps her]

[Terrance and Phillip are in electric chairs]
Sheila Broflovski: Any last words?
Phillip: How's aboot "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" How's that for last words?

Terrance: This is worse than the time I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
Phillip: I know, Terrance. I know.

[the boys exit the theatre]
Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman: You bet your fucking ass it was!
Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!
Theatre Clerk: Hey, wait a minute! Where's your parent or guardian?
Stan: Huh?
Theatre Clerk: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?
Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater. [farts]

Mr. Mackey: Here's a list of the things they've been saying in class.
[all the moms look at the list]
Sharon Marsh: Oh, dear God.
Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a rimjob?
Liane Cartman: Why, that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.
[the others frown angrily (and disgustedly) at Liane]
Sheila: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!
Kyle: We, uh, well...
Stan: We can't tell you! We all swore ourselves to secrecy!
Cartman: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie!
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: What? Fuck you guys, I wanna get out of here!

[at a spelling bee]
Teacher: The word is "forensics.":Boy: Ah, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"?
Kids: Yeah!
Boy: Here you go! [writes on the blackboard] S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S. Forensics.

Sheila Broflovski: So, boys, you saw that movie again?
Boys: [miserably] Yes.
Sheila: Well Kyle, I've had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
Kyle: [shocked] Grounded?
Sharon Marsh: And you, Stanley, come on.
Liane Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
Cartman: Ey, why am I grounded more? That's fucking bullshit!
Sheila: What-what-what?! What was that word, young man?!

Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
Saddam Hussein: I love you.
Satan: I want to believe that.
Saddam Hussein: So let's shut off that light and get close, huh?

Saddam Hussein: Hey, Satan, I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth. Let's fuck to celebrate!
Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm someone else?
Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minnelli?
[Satan walks offscreen]
Saddam Hussein: Aw, don't get all pissy!

Stan: Why did our moms have to arrest Terrence and Phillip?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know. They're probably just having their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stupid! [hangs up phone] Hey, Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
Alec Baldwin: What?
Billy Baldwin: Nothing!
[Canadian jet fighters bomb the Baldwin residence, leaving only Billy alive]
Billy Baldwin: Ha-ha! You missed me!

[a single fighter returns and bombs him]

Saddam Hussein: Oh, boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world! I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.
Satan: [reading "Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--
Saddam Hussein: Hey, that is interesting! Let's fuck!
Satan: [disgusted] Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!
Saddam Hussein: [pulls out a dildo from under the covers] Hey, Satan!
Satan: Oh! Now that is just not appropriate!
Saddam Hussein: Oh, come on, I'm just fucking with you, it's not real! [throws the dildo away]
Satan: Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.
Saddam Hussein: [pulls out another dildo, whispers] Satan!
Satan: Ah!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, it's not real either! Come on, guy!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, Satan, did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on Earth.
Satan: [to Kenny, who is chained to a torturing device] Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil.
Saddam Hussein: [starts operating the torture device] Yeah! Yeah, this is getting me so hot! Hey Satan, come on over here and rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy!

General: Battalion 5, raise your hands. [Battalion 5, made up entirely of African-Americans, including Chef, does so] You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call 'Operation: Human Shield'.
Chef: [outraged] Hey, wait a minute!
General: Now keep in mind Operation: Human Shield will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? [Battalion 14, comprised entirely of Caucasians, raises their hands] Right, you are 'Operation: Get Behind the Darkies'. You will follow Battalion 5 here, and try not to get killed for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?
Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

General: Fucking Windows '98! Get Bill Gates in here!
[Gates enters with guns held to his head]
General: You told us that Windows '98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!
Bill Gates: It is faster, over five million-- [the General shoots Gates in the face]

Dr. Doctor: Kenny?
Kenny: [muffled] Holy shit, dude.
Dr. Doctor: How you feeling, Kenny?
Kenny: [muffled] Like a sick animal.
Dr. Doctor: Good. Son, we have some bad news. We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato; you have about three seconds to live.
Kenny: [muffled] What?! [Kenny's blows up, spraying everyone with offal]
Cartman: Fucking weak, dude!
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [Correcting his earlier statement when Kenny was run over by a truck after accidentally lighting himself on fire]
Kyle: You bastards!
Dr. Doctor: [tortured] Damn it! It never gets any easier! [walks away whistling]

Cartman: [patient B-5] My head hurts.
Dr. Vosknocker: Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say doggy.
Cartman: Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. Now say Montana.
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good, now say pillow.
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: All right, now I want you to say horse fucker.
[Cartman hesitates]
Liane Cartman: Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
Cartman: Horse fu-- [gets shocked] Oww!! That hurts, godda-- [shocked] Aghh!!
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I'd like you to say big floppy donkey dick.
Cartman: No!
Dr. Vosknocker: Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bitches-- [gets shocked repeatedly]

Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: What's the matter, Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it. I can't say any dirty words.
Kyle: So you can't say fuck?
Cartman: Yes.
Kyle: And you can't say shit?
Cartman: No.
Kyle: So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world"?
Cartman: Fuck you! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!
Kyle: Cool!
Stan: Come on you guys, this has gone far enough. It's time we talk to our moms.
Kyle: We're supposed to be grounded in our rooms!
Stan: Come on, Kyle! It's time for us to get political!

Cartman: Hey, Kyle, all those times I said you were a dirty Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
Kyle: Yes I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!
Cartman: No, no, Kyle, don't be so hard on yourself.

(After a group of black soldiers escapes under Chef's order, protesting the idea of human shields)

Black Soldier: Great plan, Chef!
Chef: Operation Human Shield, my ass!

[After Shelia refuses to listen to Kyle to stop the war and just be his mom, she shoots Terence and Philip, killing them. Suddenly, Satan and Saddam suddenly appear]
Satan: My time has come!
Saddam: You're all really fucked now!
General: It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
[The soildiers attempt to shoot Saddam, but cannot]
Saddam: [Laughs] What a dumbass!
[Demons rush out of the ground and attack everyone. Kenny comes out also]
Satan: [To Shelia] You have spilled the blood of the innocent! Now begins two million years of darkness!
Chef: Oh, good job, Miss Broflovski! Thanks a lot!
Shelia: [Apologetic and regretful] I was just trying to make the world a better place for children.
Saddam: Yeah, and you brought enough intolerance on the world to allow my coming! Now everyone, bow down to me! (Everyone does. Saddam laughs evilly] Yeah! Bend over!
General: Oh, what have we done?
Satan: Saddam, I'm the dark ruler, not you.
Saddam: Relax, bitch! You're better seen and not heard!
Kenny: [muffled] Satan, you've got to do something!
Satan: I...can't.
Saddam: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman: Hey! Don't call me fat, buttfucker!
(He shoots pent-up electrical charges out of his fingers, which send a demon flying into a rock. Cartman suddenly gets an idea):
Kyle: Yeah, Cartman. Do it!
'[Shoots electricity at Saddam, attacking him]
Saddam: [getting electrocuted] Agghh!
Cartman: Yes!
Saddam: Hey, kid, you need to watch your mouth.
[Attacks Saddam more, much to everyone's surprise]
Saddam: [gets electrocuted] AAAHH! Quick, Satan, do something!
[Attacks Saddam more]
Saddam: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry. I can change!
Cartman: Okay. [Saddam smiles slyly, people gasp] Not! [takes a deep breath, then rises in the air as he charges electricty] FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, CUNT, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!
[Attacked, Saddam is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]
Saddam: AAAARRRGHHHH!! [To Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman gets scared] Come on, you weak, stupid cumbucket! Save me!
Satan: That's it! [Picks up Saddam] I have had enough of you!!
[He throws Saddam back into Hell]
Saddam: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [Saddam is impaled on a rock]


External links[edit]