Terrance and Phillip: ♪ Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker. ♪
Terrance: Uncle fucker.
Terrance and Phillip: ♪ You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucker. ♪
Terrance: ♪ You're an uncle fucker, I must say. ♪
Phillip: ♪ Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday. ♪
[Terrance and Phillip laugh]
Terrance and Phillip: ♪ Uncle fucker. That's... ♪
Canadian Crowd: ♪ U-N-C-L-E. Fuck you! Uncle fucker! ♪
Phillip: Suck my balls!
[3 hours later, the boys exit the theater]
Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman: You bet your fucking ass it was!
Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!
Theater Clerk: Hey, wait a minute: Where's your guardian?
Theater Clerk: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?!
Cartman: [pause] Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater. [farts]
Kyle: Yeah! [singing]♪ Shut you fucking face, uncle fucker. ♪
Boys: [joining in]♪ You're an ass-licking, ball-sucking uncle fucker. ♪
[at South Park Elementary, the class sings "Uncle Fucker". Then Mr. Garrison enters and the class stops singing.]
Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [normal voice] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
Kyle: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. [Cartman mocks Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice] Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: [enraged]HEY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YA FUCKING JEW!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word??
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[everyone gasps in shock]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously]WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
Cartman: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [picks up a megaphone and clears throat]"How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, furiously frozen]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.
[Craig sits in the chair in front of the counselor's office and grunts.]
Mr. Mackey: Well, I must say, I'm very disappointed in you boys, m'kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Now, I've already called in your mothers--
Kyle: [shocked] You called my mom?!
Mr. Mackey: That's right.
Kyle: [terrified] Oh, no, dude!
Eric: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, what?
Eric: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?
Mr. Mackey: Aah! N-Now I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle: Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said, uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker".
[the boy start laughing]
Eric: He-he-he-he! Sweet!
[the door suddenly slams open, and the boys's mothers come in, not looking happy at all.]
Mr. Mackey: Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
Sharon Marsh: This just isn't like you, Stanley.
Sheila Broflovski: What did my son say, Mr. Mackey? Did he say the S-Word?
Mr. Mackey: No, it was worse than that.
Sheila Broflovski: The F-Word?!
Mr. Mackey: Here's a list of the things they've been sayin'. M'kay?
[all the moms look at the list]
Sharon Marsh: Oh, dear God.
Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a rim job?
Liane: Why, that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.
[the others stare at Liane while Sheila frowns in anger and disgust at Liane]
Sheila: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!
Stan: We can't tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy.
Cartman: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Cartman: What? Fuck you, guys. I wanna get out of here.
Sheila Broflovski: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?!
Mr. Mackey: Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip?
Sheila Broflovski: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada! Nothing but foul language and toilet humor!
Mr. Mackey: Well, I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrance and Phillip.
Eric: Everybody's fuckin' seein' it.
Liane: [angrily] Eric!
Eric: I'm sorry, I can't help myself: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
[in the cafeteria]
Boy: My mom gave me egg again.
Stan Marsh: [thinking while looking at Wendy]♪ There's the girl that I like. Over there laughing with that smart new-- ♪
Eric: [angrily and rudely] 'Ey! You're holding up the Goddamn lunch line!
Chef: Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again.
Chef: Oh, that's too bad.
Cartman: You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind. [laughs]
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: No, dude. I'd be scared, too; your mom's a fuckin bitch.
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
Cartman: DON'T CALL ME "FAT," YOU BUTT-FUCKIN' SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Chef: Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman: [While he, Kyle and Kenny are leaving Stan with Chef] It's pretty fuckin' sweet, huh?
Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
Stan: What does that mean, "Find the clitoris."?
Chef: Uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children: You're holding up the line.
Stan: [to boys] You guys, do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?
Mr. Mackey: [over speakers] Uh, attention, students. We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary: Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be set home immediately.
Kids: [they are silent for a moment]Hooray![they run out of the school, except for Wendy and Gregory.]
Liane Cartman: Eric, what is it?
Cartman: I saw him, I saw Kenny!
Liane Cartman: Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much. [strokes Cartman]
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Aaggh! Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? [gets shocked again] Aaggh!
Cartman: Mom, if you were in a German Scheissé video, you would tell me, right?
Liane Cartman: [pause] Sure, hon. Good night!
Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.
Kyle: Ike, you have to stay in the attic, 'cause if they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don't worry, Ike, we're gonna put an end to this, and then I'll make Mom come home and we'll be a family again. [leaves]
Ike: I like baby's home. [starts playing harmonica]
Gregory: [whispering] I'm here for "La Resistance".
Kyle: What's the password?
Gregory: [whispering] Uh, I don't know.
Gregory: [whispering] Uh, bacon.
Kyle: You're late, Cartman!
Cartman: [rubbing his rear] I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle: Your behind?
Cartman: I have to say "behind," 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass". [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!
Sheila Broflovski: Men, when you're out there in the battlefield and you're looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian as he charges you with his hockey stick or whatever he has and people are dying all around you, just remember what the MPAA says: "Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!" That is what this war is all about! [Soldiers Cheer]
Kyle: We can't leave without you!
The Mole: It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle: No, we can't leave without you! We don't know where the Hell we are!
Kyle: Mole, be careful.
The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb? [leaves]
Stan: [to Cartman] Dude, that kid is fucked up.
Shelly Marsh: All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?
Stan: Shelly, where's the clitoris?
[Shelly picks up a chair and hits Stan over the head with it, outraged about what he just said]
Shelly Marsh: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my Britney Spears records. [opens & closes the door]
Stan: We're "La Resistance". We want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cock-sucking asshole, then I get grounded.
The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?
The Mole: And the rope?
The Mole: And the butt-for?
Stan: What's a butt-for?
The Mole: For pooping, silly. [takes a long drag on his cigarette, then puffs out smoke]
Terrance: Want to see the northern lights?
[Lights his fart on fire and burns up]
Phillip: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.
Terrance: I sure did, Phillip.
[Phillip farts, sending Terrance flying through the air]
Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin! If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension, stupid! [hangs up phone] Hey, Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
Mr. Garrison: Alright, children, your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.
Stan: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrence and Phillip?
Kid: That's, that's gay.
Mr. Garrison: Uh, well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.
Wendy: [whispers to Gregory] Not cool.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. Anyway, children, let's start off with some vocabulary.
Mr. Mackey: [over speakers] Attention, students. M'kay?
Mr. Garrison: [annoyed] Oh, what now?
Mr. Mackey: [over speakers] Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement. M'kay?
Saddam Hussein: Oh, boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world! I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.
Satan: [reading "Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--
Saddam Hussein: Hey, [throws the other fake dildo away] it's not real either! Come on, guy!
Satan: [appears in front of Kenny] Fallen one, I am Satan. I am your God now. [Kenny screams and tightens his hood as he tries to run away, but Satan blocks him.] There is no escape! [Kenny is chained upside-down to a torture device, while whimpering in terror.] Now, feel the delightful pain. [pulls the lever.]
Saddam Hussein: [stopping Satan] Hey, Satan! [Kenny opens his eyes.] Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on Earth.
Satan: [to Kenny] Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil!
Saddam Hussein: Move over, Satan. You're hogging all the fun. [starts operating the torture device] Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is getting me so hot!
[Kenny continues whimpering]
Satan: [annoyed] Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?
Saddam Hussein: Come on, rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy.
Satan: Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second? [he and Saddam sit on a sofa.] I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
General: Battalion 5, raise your hands. [Battalion 5, made up entirely of African-Americans, including Chef, does so] You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call "Operation: Human Shield".
Chef: [outraged] Hey, wait a minute!
General: Now keep in mind Operation: Human Shield will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? [Battalion 14, comprised entirely of Caucasians, raises their hands] Right, you are "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies". You will follow Battalion 5 here, and try not to get killed for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?
General: Fucking Windows '98! Get Bill Gates in here! [Gates enters with guns held to his head] You told us that Windows '98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!
Bill Gates: It is faster, over 5,000,000-- [the General shoots Gates in the face]
Dr. Doctor: Close him up. we've done all we can. The rest is up to God. Kenny? Kenny, can you hear me?
Kenny: [muffled] Holy shit, dude.
Dr. Doctor: How are you feeling, son?
Kenny: [muffled] Like a sick animal.
Dr. Doctor: Great. Son, we have some bad news. We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato; you have about 3 seconds to live.
Kenny: [muffled, shocked]What?![Kenny's blows up, spraying everyone with offal]
Cartman: Aw, fucking weak, dude!
Stan: Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! [Correcting his earlier statement when Kenny was run over by a truck after accidentally lighting himself on fire]
Kyle: You bastards!
Dr. Doctor: [tortured]Damn it!It never gets any easier! [walks away while whistling "Mountain Town"]
Cartman: [he, Kyle and Stan walk up to Kenny's corpse] I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.
Kyle: Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.
Cartman: No, I know. I'm just fucking stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!
[the boys' mothers barge into the ER.]
Sheila Broflovski: So, boys, you saw that movie again?
Boys: [miserably] Yes.
Sheila Broflovski: Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
[the boys gasp in horror]
Sharon Marsh: And you, Stan, come on.
Liane Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
Cartman: 'Ey, why am I grounded more? That's fucking bullshit!
Sheila Broflovski: W-W-WHAT?!What was that word, young man?!
Sheila Broflovski: Okay, everyone settle down! As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fighting the war against potty mouths here at home. Here to present the V-Chip is Dr. Vosknocker.
Dr. Vosknocker: The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.
Randy Marsh: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?
Dr. Vosknocker: It's just like a lie detector, you see? Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. [to Cartman] Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? [Cartman comes out.] Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.
Cartman: [rubs his head in pain] Oh, my head hurts.
Dr. Vosknocker: Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman: [nonchalantly] Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say "Montana".
Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now "pillow".
Dr. Vosknocker: All right, now I want you to say "horsefucker".
Cartman: Okay. [Saddam smiles evilly, people gasp in horror]Not![inhales deeply]FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, CUNT, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!
[shoots electricity at Saddam, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]
Saddam: AAAARRRGHHHH!![To Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman gets scared] Come on, you weak, stupid cum-bucket! Save me!
Satan: [angrily] That's it! [Picks up Saddam] I have had enough of you!!
[He throws Saddam back into Hell]
Saddam: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!![Saddam is impaled on a rock, and sighs in agony]
Satan: [sadly] He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid that I...believed it myself. [to Kenny] I have you to thank, little one. You showed me that I had to get away from him. Just make any wish you want, and I shall grant it.
[Kenny makes a muffled wish. The boys gasp.]
Stan: Are you sure, Kenny?
General: What did he say?
Stan: He said that his wish is for everything to go back to the way it was before this horrible war.
Chef: Kenny, you'd realize that means you'd go back, too.
Kenny: I know. [talks to the boys in a muffled voice]
Satan: Well, very well, then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess I'm destined to live in Hell...alone. [sees Mr. Hat.] Hello. What's this? [picks up Mr. Hat.] Hi, there, little guy. Would you like to go to Hell with me? [as Mr. Hat.] Sure. I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan.
Chef: Feel free to come back and visit us anytime you want, Satan.