South Park/Season 24

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 | Main

South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

The Pandemic Special [24.01][edit]

Butters: Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?
Stephen: Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear.
Butters: But, they said they're open again, so I--
Stephen: Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to non-essential businesses when it's non-essential! Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help.

Sharon: A pandemic special, Randy? Really?
Randy: What?
Sharon: People are hurting! People are dying, Randy! And all you can think about is make a special about it?
Randy: I’m doing something positive to try and help. People really needs this right now.
Sharon: You’re a child, Randy!

[Mr. Mackey is in his home office on a Zoom meeting with the parents]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [the parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?
Sheila: How are you going to do this?
Stephen: Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?
Thomas: Oh, here we fucking go again. Stop mask shaming, Stotch!
Stephen: Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.
Thomas: There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!
Stephen: Spoken like a true redneck.
Carol: Oh, fuck you!
[The parents all start talking over each other in annoyed anger]
Mr. Mackey: Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer keyboard silence muting everyone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key, unmuting everyone]
Ms. Tweak: I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.
Mrs. Testaburger: The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?!
Mr. Mackey: Okay! BOOM! [mute silences everyone again] You’re all muted! M’kay? I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger raises his hand] Mr. Donovan. [unmutes him]
Roger: I don't care what changes you've made, my son Clyde is not going to class.
Mr. Mackey: And that is your prerogative. Mute. [mutes Roger] Uhkay, Mrs. Marsh. [unmutes Sharon]
Sharon: I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.
Mr. Mackey: That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, but... we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Uhkay, so they'll do just about anything.
Stephen: What new teachers?

Det. Yates: Alright, students, listen up. I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.
Cartman: This is bullshit!
Det. Harris: You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. [Stan raises his hand up] Yes?
Stan: Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.
Det. Harris: Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefor, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.
Officer: It was COVID-related.
Stan: That doesn’t make any sense!

Sharon: Randy? Where are the car keys? Randy!
Randy: [wakes up] Huh? Uh, what? What?
Sharon Where are the car keys?
Randy They're probably in my pants pocket. Why?
Sharon I have to get over to the hospital.
Randy The hospital? For what?
Sharon: It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.
Randy: Jimbo’s better?
Sharon: They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.
Randy: [realizes his DNA must’ve cured Jimbo] Holy shit.

Stan: Kyle, I need to talk to you.
Kyle: Hey, dude.
Stan: I’m really worried. About Butters. I think he’s sick.
Kyle: You think he got the virus?
Stan: No! It's all the other stuff. The isolation and the uncertainty. I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids. You know, not every kid is like us. There's some kids who really can't take it anymore!
Kyle: I know, this bullshit sucks. But Butters will be okay.
Stan: And what if he’s not? What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind? What if he feels his body shutting down right now?
Kyle: You really think it’s that bad?

Sharon: [comes out of the house] Randy? Randy!
Randy: Just... what?
Sharon: Randy, you gotta gen in here!
Randy: I’m doing something important, Sharon! People need this right now!
Sharon: Come upstairs, something's wrong with Jimbo! [Randy enters holding his crotch as he limps] He'd just been sleeping for days. [puts her mask on and walks to Jimbo’s room] They said he was getting better. Last night, his fever came back. And then a few hours ago this thing appeared on his face.
Randy: What thing?
Sharon: [lowers down Jimbo's mask, revealing a mustache on his face, identical to Randy's] Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.
Randy: Huh. That’s weird.

Randy: [limps next to Jimbo, whispering to him in soft anger] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it’s because of the Special! You could just be sick again 'cause you’re a fat, fucking alcoholic! And I am NOT going to jail for you! [smacks Jimbo in the face and limps away holding his crotch]

[Hospital; the doctor looks closer at the mustache on Gerald]
Doctor: And you say you've never had a mustache before?
Gerald: No! Never! I just came outta nowhere!
Sheila: How could this happen, Doctor?
Doctor: Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?
Gerald: No! I mean... I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, no. That...that's totally fine.

Stephen: Butters? Butters, you get back to quarantine or you're gonna be grounded!
Thomas: Hey, Stotch! You heard what the scientists said! Get your diaper up over you mustache area!
Stephen: I'm not wearing a damn diaper over my nose!
Mrs. Testaburger: Don't you care about people?
Stephen: Yeah, we care way more about what's right than you do, bitch! [punches Mrs. Testaburger in the face as she falls to the ground and gets punched in return by Thomas]

Stan: [stopping Cartman as he tries to kill the pangolin in the shredder, which is the only hope to stopping the pandemic at Build-a-Bear] Don’t do it, Cartman! That thing’s our only chance!
Cartman: You’re only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!
Stan: You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for who to blame, saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is... I just want to have fun again. I wanted to see that I can go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't! I'm not any better and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back. [starts crying] I just want my life back... [begins to weep]
[Cartman looks at the shredder, the boys, steps down from the shredder, carries the pangolin out of the store and hands it over to the Chief]
Kyle: [awed] I don’t believe it.
Stephen: So, so what happens now?
Chief Scientist: Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [President Garrison appears out of nowhere with a flamethrower, burning both him and the pangolin]
Garrison: Don’t forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up! [walks away]

Randy: [walks into his and Sharon’s bedroom, finds his wife asleep] Hey, Sharon? I need to talk to you. [sits on the bed] I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can.
Sharon: [sits up visibly showing her pandemic mustache] If you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen, Randy. [Randy looks at her not saying any words] What?
Randy: You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special?
Sharon: No. I don’t smoke marijuana, Randy.
Randy: Uh-huh. [gets up from the bed and walks off]
Sharon: Well, what did you want to talk to me about?
Randy: I just... think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some mustache on your face.

South ParQ Vaccination Special [24.02][edit]

Elderly Woman: [double flipping off the crowd while stepping into Walgreens] 79, bitches!

Ms. Nelson: I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. I don't know why I believed them when they said they had vaccinations. [starts to break down] I don't know why I believe anything anymore. [takes her phone out of her purse and answers] Yes?
[The boys are at the park on a stone bridge]
Cartman: Hi, Ms. Nelson. How are you?
Ms. Nelson: [annoyed] Cut the crap. You said you'd be here at 7:00 am.

Bob: Don't give in to them! They're trying to make a joke of everything! That's what they do!
Mr. Garrison: How do the elites control Mr. Service's balls?
Bob: You still don't get it, do you?! They don't just drink adrenochrome, they run the show! The whole damn show! [a cursor appears suddenly, messing with his appearance] It comes down to two people -- Oh, you don't like that, do you?! That's getting a little close to home, huh?! You can't control me anymore, you sons of bitches! [cursor continues to alter him in various ways] They're making fun of me to try and discredit my beliefs! [Is transformed into an obese woman wearing a dress, then a large penis] Oh, you don't like that, do you!? Don't want the world to know that!
Mr. Garrison: Listen! Listen, whoever you are! I don't give a shoot what you do!
Bob: What?! What are you saying?!
Mr. Garrison: Please! I just want my old life back!
Bob: [turned into a pig] No, stop! They're monsters!
Mr. Garrison: I don't care what you do to kids, I just want people to like me again!
Bob: You son of a bitch! Aah! [runs towards Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: AAH! Mr. Service! [show freezes; whole frame turns, revealing multiple layers of animation; walking back and forth] Ah, oh, okay, what the hell is this? Hey, come back! [frame turns back to normal, albeit mirrored] How would you like to make a deal?
[The cursor shrinks down Mr. Service, transforming him into Mr. Hat]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! You've returned! I'm so glad to have you back, Mr. Hat.

Mr. Garrison: Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags behind him, Bob White, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!
Stan: Who the heck is that?
Qanon Member: It's him! It's the Chosen One!
Qanon Member #2: He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!
Scott: Wait, he's the Chosen One?
Mr. Garrison: Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!
[The crowd cheers and runs towards the plane and an Israel man tosses out boxes full of vaccines]
Gerald: Hey, Garrison, good job!
Stephen: Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: [laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.

[Funeral; Ms. Nelson was late getting her vaccine and has died of COVID]
Fr. Maxi: As a teacher, Ms. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she... was just a few days late in getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Ms. Nelson permanently... [Scott begins sobbing] I think we should all take a moment to say... Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!

Stephen: [dancing happily] Adults are all vaccinated! Adults are all vaccinated!