South Park/Season 22

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South Park (1997-present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Dead Kids [22.01][edit]

[Marsh residence, Sharon has called a group of parents together for a meeting]
Sharon: Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!
Stephen: Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?
Sharon: What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?
Stephen: Red?
Sharon: How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!
Stephen: [still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.'
[Sharon notices Randy's motions]
Randy: [stops in his tracks] I agree with my wife.
Laura: Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.
Ryan: The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.
Sharon: [now very irate] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY!!! [leaves and goes upstairs]

Randy: [sniffles] It just gets so hard, you know? [Gerald hands him another tissue] Everything's going fine, and then at a certain time of the month I have to start walking on eggshells.
Stephen: It's all right, Randy.
Randy: It's just. it's just once I'd like her to acknowledge it, you know? Just once say "You know, maybe I was overreacting a little bit 'cause of my hormones."
Sharon: [appearing at a doorway to one side of the kitchen] Randy, they announced on the news there's been another school shooting in Jefferson County!
Randy: [exasperated] Okay, Sharon. Cool.
Sharon: What is "cool" about that?!
Randy: Nuh-nothing. I love you, sweetheart.
Sharon: GOD!! [storms off angrily]

A Boy and a Priest [22.02][edit]

The Problem with a Poo [22.03][edit]

Mayor McDaniels: Hankey! [Hankey looks up and turns right to the crowd] We need to talk about what you tweeted.
Mr. Hankey: Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.
Mayor McDanniels: No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night! [takes out her phone] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Mr. Hankey: Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!
Mayor McDanniels: I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.
Mr. Hankey: Fire me? Nonono, please. I-I'm really sorry. No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas?

[Foor 4 Little; Strong Woman is out of the hospital and shopping with three of the quints]
Strong Woman: It's okay. Shhh. We just need to get some diapers. Shhh.
Elderly Woman: [passing by] Ohhh, what adorable little babies.
Strong Woman: Thank you.
Elderly Woman: [getting a closer look] My, they look very PC.
Strong Woman: Oh no, no, they're not very PC at all.
Man #1: Awww, look at the PC babies!
Strong Woman: They actually aren't PC.
Man: No? [squats down and tells the babies] Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's becoming Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
[The babies start to cry as the adults begin to laugh]
Strong Woman: Oh God, shhhh, nonononono. Sheee.
PC Principal: [arrives with the other two infants] Is everything all right?
Man #1: Oh Look! More PC babies!
Woman #1: They're everywhere!
Strong Woman: I told you we need to shop separately! Sh! Shhh!
Man #2: [stops by] Excuse me, where's the Oriental food aisle? [the babies cry harder]
Man #1: Shhh! Quiet! There's PC babies!

Mr. Hankey: Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.
Mayor McDaniels: No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.
Mr. Hankey: A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
Mayor McDaniels: [opens the back door for him, then coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey. [he hops in and she closes the door; The car pulls away]
Stan: Where will he go?
Randy: He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.

Nobody Got Cereal? [22.07][edit]

[Yates Residence; Harrison arrives and is about to open his front door when he hears a shooting and screams, then the sound of a galloping horse from inside]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down] You bitch! [Maggie squeals in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?!
Maggie Yates: So what of it?!
Sgt. Harrison Yates: What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?!
Maggie Yates: No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game!
Sgt. Harrison Yates: What are you talking about?!
Maggie Yates: See for yourself. [puts the game controller in his hand] You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new too! I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! I built a house with John Marston! I'm helpin' his family now!
Sgt. Harrison Yates: You fucking slut!
Maggie Yates: That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's that you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now!
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Don't you talk to me like that!
Maggie Yates: I'll talk however I want! I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals!
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Found them where?!
Maggie Yates: I'm not tellin'! You wanted your now life and now you got it! [walks out of the room]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Maggie! [sits on his knees and breaks down, weeping]

Unfulfilled [22.09][edit]

[Stotch house garage, Butters works on his bike making it stand out]
Butters: Oh boy! This is looking so great. [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!
Stephen: [frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! FUCK YOU, SON! [leaves and slams the door]

Bike Parade [22.10][edit]

[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to City Hall and burst into the Mayor's office]
Stan: Mayor, we demand you cancel this bike parade!
Cartman: It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking!
[the executive armchair turns around to reveal Jeff Bezos]
Jeff Bezos: [puts his feet up and communicates telepathically] What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?
Stan: It's him.

Randy Marsh: Hello, Bezos. You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! You see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! [focusing on the townspeople's bloodshot eyes] Just look in the eyes of these people. Everyone has Tegridy now - Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore! We are a town!
Jeff Bezos: [beat] Are you all high?
Randy Marsh: No. [the townspeople murmur in agreement] Why do you ask that?
Jeff Bezos: Because I'm over here!
[Everyone is revealed to be facing Bezos' right]
Randy Marsh: Oh. [walks around the crowd to face Bezos] Hang on. Hold on. Okay. I got it. Anyways. You see Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations. Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy. That's because I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's - now everyone is in this state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?
Jeff Bezos: NO!
Randy Marsh: The point is nobody's coming to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else!
Jeff Bezos: Damn you, Tegridy!!!