South Park/Season 14

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South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Sexual Healing [14.1][edit]

Recurring line: We have a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl.
Elin Nordegren: [recurring line] You motherboard! I never should've married you!

The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs [14.2][edit]

[Mr Garrison enters the Fourth Grade classroom with a box of books]
Mr Garrison: Okay kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.
Cartman: Aww, a book? God, I hate those.
Mr Garrison: Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.
Cartman: Oh, really? Sweet.
Mr Garrison: It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...
Stan: [excited] All right!
[Mr Garrison starts handing copies out to the students]
Mr Garrison: And strong vulgar language...
Kenny: [muffled] Awesome, dude!
Mr Garrison: And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
Cartman: [starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!
Mr Garrison: Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...
Cartman: No, no, come onn let's read it now!
Kyle: Mr Garrison? Didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
Mr Garrison: [irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook.
Cartman: Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies?! Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?!
Mr Garrison: [angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!
[The class groan in unison]

Stan: [runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!
Cartman: So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
Stan: [angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Kyle: Well, if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!
Cartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!
Stan: Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.

[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Cartman: Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Kyle: Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
Butters: [a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Stan: Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, asshole!
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Red: Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
Lola: [fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
Butters: [smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Red: Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!
[the girls leave]
Stan: [frustrated] God damn it!
Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
Butters: [snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]
Cartman: [After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk...

Reporter: [commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?
Matthew Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.
Reporter: Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]

News Reporter: [After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! Leopold Stotch, I hope they bury you, you evil fuck!!

Medicinal Fried Chicken [14.3][edit]

[Randy is smoking weed in front of Officer Barbrady, with his enlarged testicles in a wheelbarrow]
Randy: Oh, that is nice. That is NICE.
Jimbo: [running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!
Randy: I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jimbo: No! I mean your actual BALLS!
Billy: Do you want to do it?
Cartman: Do I want to do it? Does the pope help pedophiles get away with their crimes?
Billy: Excellent.
Cartman: Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic, and making the world safe for pedophiles?
Cartman: I told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.
Billy: You wouldn't do that.
Cartman: Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?

You Have 0 Friends [14.4][edit]

[Kyle is trying to find new Facebook friends on Chat Roulette. So far, all he's found are men masturbating on web cam]
Kyle: Screw this, I don't wanna see anymore!
Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works! You wanna find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first!

200 [14.5][edit]

Rob Reiner: [talking about Mecha-Streisand] Power her up! Release the Kiken!

201 [14.6][edit]

Scott Tenorman: Revenge is a dish best served...chili!

Kyle: That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Crippled Summer [14.7][edit]

Poor and Stupid [14.8][edit]

[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]
Tony Kornheiser: All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.
Cartman: [In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is passing me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm passed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? That's buckskin gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] It's gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.
Butters: Obama's buckskin gay.
Cartman: He's buckskin gay as heck.
Butters: Passes me off.
Cartman: So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they buckskin come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama is gay as hell!
Tony Kornheiser: Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.
Kenny: Fuck you!

It's a Jersey Thing [14.09][edit]

Snooki: [Recurring line] Snooki want smush-smush!

Insheeption [14.10][edit]

[Specialists are sorting out Stan's hoarding problem. Everyone is assembled at Stan's locker]
Dr. Chinstrap: Hello, everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today, we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. All right, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan.
[Stan opens his locker, which is quite stuffed. There are gasps of shock all around, and Wendy starts crying]
Stan: What? Come on, it's not that bad.
Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like HE is in control, or his psychosis will come out.
Stan: "My psychosis?" Look, it isn't that big of a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, great. Now how about we start with this... [takes out a pencil box]
Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. [places box down and takes out a broken toothbrush] Now, how about this? Broken toothbrush?
Stan: Well, it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I...
Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.
Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine, and it...
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [places it down and takes out a maggot-infested sandwich] Now, how about this? Old sandwich in a baggie, filled with maggots? [there are groans of disgust from all those present]
Stan: [faltering slightly] Well, THAT, I mean, yeah, I mean, I kinda need that, let's just keep that.
Dr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?
Stan: [faltering further] Well I might need it if I ever have to, you know, like...
Dr. Chinstrap: The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?
Stan: [starting to lose his nerve] Well, I - I guess so but... [as the sandwich is thrown in the baggie] W-w-wait, this is all happening a little fast, can we just slow down?
[Stan's friends share a look of concern]
Dr. Chinstrap: [Taking an empty aspirin bottle] Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?
Stan: Well no, don't throw that out!
Dr. Chinstrap: [reaching into the locker] Can we throw out these watered out papers, then? [pulls them out]
Stan: [really losing his composure] No, because there could be something written on them that's important and... [gathering some papers up and trying to retrieve the bottle] No, don't take my empty bottle... G-GIVE ME BACK MY SANDWICH! [stops]
[People are looking at him in shock, and Cartman starts twirling his finger around his head and whistling at Stan to indicate he's insane]
Mr. Mackey: Stan, as your counselor, I'm here to help you with whatever problems you might have, m'kay? Now, what is the matter? [before Stan answers, he looks around the office. Mr. Mackey has a lot of junk in there]
Stan: Well, my friends are worried that I'm showing signs of... "hoarding."
Mr. Mackey: Hoarding? M'kay, what's that?
Stan: Well, apparently, it's when you... don't throw anything away and soon you find yourself, living with a, bunch of... junk?
Mr. Mackey: Hmmm, I haven't heard of that, but it- it definitely sounds bad, m'kay?
Stan: [looks around again] Mr. Mackey, is there, maybe anything you wanna talk about?
Mr. Mackey: Me? ...Like, like what?
Stan: [looks around and picks up an empty milk carton from a box] Well like, you've got an old milk carton here from a month ago that's like-

Freddy Krueger: [Kills Woodsy Owl from behind] There's a REAL hoot for ya, Woodsy!

Coon 2: Hindsight [14.11][edit]

DP Executive 6: The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?
Tony Hayward: [arms crossed] Oh, she'll take it.

Mysterion Rises [14.12][edit]

Newsreader: The boys state that there also used to be a member named the Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote: "a dick".

Toolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone why are we still calling ourselves "Coon and Friends"?
Mysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.

[When asking about the cult of Cthulhu meetings]

Mysterion: What happened at those meetings?
Stuart McCormick: Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.
Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.

[When Hindsight says he doesn't want his superpower anymore]

Mysterion: There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.
Hindsight: What... what is your power?
Mysterion: I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.

Red Goth: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.
Goth Leader: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.

Coon vs. Coon and Friends [14.13][edit]

[When the boys are talking about their superpowers]
Toolshed: What's your superpower, Mysterion?
Mysterion: I can't die!
Toolshed: Oh, yeah, good one! Mysterion can't die and Iron Maiden is indestructible--
Mysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious. I really, REALLY can't die!
Stan: (laughing) What?
Mysterion: Like last night in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place and you screamed "Oh, my God!" and you (indicates Human Kite) called him a bastard.
Human Kite: When was that?
Mysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes NEVER remember!
Stan: I think we would remember you dying, dude.
Mysterion: Well, you don't! I die over and over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.
Stan: Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.
Mint Berry Crunch: No, no! Mint Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
Mysterion: (disappointed) I knew there is no point in telling you guys.
Human Kite: OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.
Mysterion: (furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot? Decapitated? Torn apart? Burned? Run over?!!
Stan: Kenny, Kenny, calm down!
Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fucking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and fucking remember!
(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)

Cartman: As the Coon explains how the disaster can be stopped something terrible happened. The Coon friends changed and their superpowers morphed them somehow turning them into super villains! The Coon try to reason with them. Try to bring them back to the side of good but it was too late.

[Sometime later the boys are talking about their next move for a good deed]
Mysterion: [annoyed] You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?
Toolshed: [laughs] What?

[After Bradley has vanished off to his home planet]
Coon: Fucking Mintberry fucking Crunch.

Crème Fraiche [14.14][edit]

Operator: Thanks for calling the Food Network hotline. Billing is $9.95 for each 60 second period. To accept, say "Creme Fraiche".
Randy: Creme Fraiche.
Amanda: Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?
Randy: Oh, hi, I just, uh, thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?
Amanda: I'm making a pan roasted chicken.
Randy: Pan roasted? Like seared on the stove and then put in the oven?
Amanda: Uh-huh. I'm just taking the chicken out of the pan. It's so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.
Randy: Yeah?
Amanda: Yeah. Ooh, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.
Randy: You gonna glaze that fucking pan?
Amanda: Oh, I'm gonna glaze it. You wanna help me?
Randy: If I was there I would. I'd take some red wine - about a quarter cup - and then a wooden spoon and I'd glaze the fuck out of that pan.
Amanda: I got a wooden spoon right here. It's pretty hard.
Randy: Yeah, you gonna put some onion in while you're glazing?
Amanda: I was thinking about shallots actually.
Randy: Oh, yeah, shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavor. Fuck, yeah.
Sharon: [picking up phone] Randy Marsh!
Randy: Ah! Sharon!
Operator: Your time on Food Network hotline has expired. To add more time, say "Creme Fraiche".

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