PC Principal: All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I was a lesbian then.
PC Principal: A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!
Butters: No, he got brainwashed by a cult.
PC Principal: And that's two days detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.
PC Principal: Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right?! Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh?! Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?!
Mr. Mackey: Well, we got Token. He's black.
PC Principal: And that's two days detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.
PC Principal: What the fuck is this?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that?! That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!
PC Principal: Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.
Gerald: Wh-what's this about, Kyle?
PC Principal: Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke. Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds desk] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!
Gerald: Wh-wh-what did he say?
PC Principal: You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero."
[no reaction from Gerald or Kyle. PC Principal starts erupting in repressed rage]
PC Principal: This kind of trans-phobic and bigoted hate speech isn't going to fly here, bro! Well, I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind, AND THEN THIS SHOOT COMES OUT OF PEOPLE'S MOUTHS!!
Gerald: [beat] PC Principal, I-I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, a-and not trying to say anything against—
PC Principal: You got a fucking problem, bro?!
PC Principal: 'Cause it's not Bruce fucking Jenner!! IT'S CAITLYN!! AND SHE'S A FUCKING STUNNING WOMAN!! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH?! What's up?! What's fucking up, bro?!
Gerald: Look, maybe we can all just ta—
PC Principal: [flips his desk]GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, DUDE!!!
Cartman: [meets PC Principal] Oh, PC Principal. How are you today?
PC Principal: What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?
Cartman: You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention, and... you're going to apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.
PC Principal: What the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: It's just a request, that's all. See you around. Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks up a pair of underwear] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs it] Why, this is Butters's underwear.
PC Principal: What?
Cartman: PC Principal, you have Butters's underwear? And now— [sloshes underwear on the urinal] Oh, my gosh, it's got you DNA all over it. This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?
PC Principal: [pause] What did you just say?
Cartman: You mean about keeping your dick out?
PC Principal: "Capiche"?! You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! You better watch your nonaggression, bro!
Cartman: O-Kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, do you?
PC Principal: Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [grabs Cartman up]
Cartman: Okay, let's back up. [gets slammed against the stall] Ah!! [PC Principal slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror]
PC Principal: Did you just say "spokesman" instead of "spokesperson" when women are just as capable of selling sandwiches as anyone!?! [slams Cartman into the mirror] Are you purposely trying to use words that assert your male privilege!?! [slams Cartman into a sink]
Cartman: No, I'm sorry! I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!
PC Principal: Do you think Italian-Americans and women are less important!?! [pins Cartman down on the floor]
Cartman: Oh, God!
PC Principal: [punches Cartman to a bloody pulp] You dare to use words that alienate two communities of people who have to deal with verbal biases like yours on a daily basis!?!
PC Principal: All right, everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding, we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and—HEY, LESLIE!! SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!! ..To introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. [hands microphone to Canadian kids]
Canadian Kids 1: We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil, guy. [hands mic over to second group]
Canadian Kids 2: We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [long beat] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!
PC Principal: Garrison, what do you think you're—?!
Mr. Garrison: And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!
PC Principal: [beat] That's it, Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's buckskin them all to death!! [all students gasp] I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids! Sorry not sorry!
Mayor McDaniels: I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison, we are now being referred to as the "shitheads of America". One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. [Randy takes the dais]
Randy: Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods.
[everyone immediately starts chattering in awe and uncertainty]
Randy: It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.
Stephen: We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here!
Randy: And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we can get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!
Father Maxi: Where could it even go?!
Mayor McDaniels: I'm announcing a plan for Sodomy—a new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafés.
Randy: Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore!
Randy: Okay, hold on, everyone listen up! We understand that not everyone is for the town spending money on the Sodomy project. We want everyone to be able to voice their concerns. [the McCormicks pause; Stuart stands]
Stuart: Yeah, I got concerns! I don't want you touching my darn house!!
Johnson: We realize that when a rejuvenation like this takes place, the lower-income residents fear they'll be priced out of the area.
Stuart: What lower-income residents?! Me?! I work hard and provide for my family just fine!
Randy: Stuart, come on. Your house sucks.
Stuart: Buck you! If you people want to turn something into a vibrant arts district, then do it to Randy's house!
PC Principal: Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.
Craig: Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?!
PC Principal: What's wrong with being gay? Nothing is wrong with that.
Craig: But we aren't! I'm not!
Tweek: I'm not either!
PC Principal: That is completely irrelevant, okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.
Tweek: What's that?
PC Principal: If there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.
PC Principal: Now, in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?
Craig: But I'm not gay!!
PC Principal: I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if—and I'm only saying if—at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you just can't go grabbing for it. Alright? You need to say something like, "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.
PC Principal: You want two weeks detention instead?! This is important!
Tweek: [beat] ..Craig, can I touch your penis?
PC Principal: Okay, good. Now Craig, you might say, "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that." [Craig stays still for a long beat] Or, of course, you could say, "No, you may not touch my penis at this time."
Craig: No, you may not!
PC Principal: Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?
Stephen: [reads school paper in bed] Wow. Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets paper down] It's like... I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [sees himself running in a void of content] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Geico. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story, it's a slideshow! And I'm looking at the "Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Jobs Ever". So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next slide, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, it's-it's following me all over the screen!! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slideshow, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the "Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time", and that's not the arrow for the next slide, it's another ad! Aaagh!![comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bull shoot. [sees Linda focusing on her smartphone] Linda? LINDA!!
PC Principal: McKinsey, you got consent forms?
McKinsey: Oh, yeah! Right here, bro! [hands consent forms to him]
PC Principal: Rise and shine, guys! If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms! [the bros hand over their forms] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you—whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro.
Barker: Yeah, uh, s-sorry, it's right here.
PC Principal: Nice.
PC Bro: [runs to PC Principal] Bro!! Aw, dude, bro!!
PC Principal: What, bro?
PC Bro: Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home.
PC Principal: Yeah?
PC Bro: And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American.
PC Principal: Naturally.
PC Bro: So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this! [he shows the paper to PC Principal which headline reads "'PC' STANDS FOR PUSSY CRUSHING"; he grabs paper]
PC Principal: What the heck is this, bro!?!
PC Bro: Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss!
PC Principal: THAT'S NOT TRUE!!
PC Bro: I KNOW, BRO!!! WE'RE BEING TOTALLY VICTIMIZED!!!