South Park/Season 15

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HUMANCENTiPAD [15.1][edit]


Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPad on the Japanese man's forehead.] Oh, wow! No way! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!

(Cartman and his mother Liane are in Best Buy looking at iPads.)
Liane: Here, look at this one... a Toshiba HandiBook.
Cartman (Enraged that Liane would even suggest such a thing): A TOSHIBA HANDBOOK?!
Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price.
Cartman (angry): Mom, do NOT screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everybody's going to think I'm a poverty-stricken a**###e!
Liane (stern): Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat. You can either have the Toshiba HandiBook, or you can have nothing at all. (There is a pause while Cartman considers this.)
Cartman (even angrier): I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?! Because we should at least be safe if you're going to F**C ME, MOM!!!!!!!!
Liane (sharp): ERIC...
Cartman (butters his ass as if he's on a roll!): You might as well buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and f**ced! (Cartman's meltdown has attracted some very unwelcome attention.) Do you want to fuck me, Mom?! Just say so! (Cartman yanks down his pants and presents his ass to Liane, who is totally mortified.) GO AHEAD, MOM, FUCK ME! F**C ME RIGHT IN THE BEST BUY!!!!!! YOU WANNA F**C YOUR SON SO BAD?!!!?!?! GO ON!! F**C ME!!!!!!!!!!! F**C ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Cut to the car, not long after that. Cartman is sobbing while Liane simply looks straight ahead at the road.)
Liane (angry): Stop crying, Eric! I told you that if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!
Cartman (contrite): But I told you I was sorry.
Liane (not convinced): You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those PEOPLE!
Cartman (contrite): But I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.
Liane: Then why did you go outside to the police officer and say "HELP, HELP! MY MOM IS TRYING TO F**C ME!"?
Cartman: Oh, wait. I get it now. The "#" word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry, Mama.
Liane: If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting ANYTHING.
Cartman: (sniffles) Well, no, that doesn't really have any logical sense, mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad... Mama. Please can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
Liane: (Yells): NO!!!!!!
Cartman: (Sniffles) Well, then could we at least pull up here and get some dinner? Cause I liked to be wined and dined after I've been #**CED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Japanese man: OH, NO! Cuttlefish is about to come out tofu asshole!
Kyle: (Please, don't!)
Japanese man: Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be a rot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!! [shits into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle shits into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman shits onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]

Funnybot [15.2][edit]

[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humor]
Cartman: Dude, what the heck?! Did you see the news?!
Stan: We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Jimmy: Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!
Cartman: OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!
Funnybot: Exterminate!

Royal Pudding [15.3][edit]

"What a great day for Canadians everywhere! The Winnipeg drummers, playing the "March of 1000 Farts" is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family."
"People in attendance, now gently tossing Cap'n Crunch as the prince passes of course is tradition."
"Ah, here she comes! Yes, there she is! The about-to-be princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing? So pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face....She is indeed the living symbol of our greatly country. My God, she's beautiful."
Scott: (loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum I smell Kraft dinna.
Canadian General: You're a di*#, Scott! You have always been a di*#! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant di*#!
Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And THEN I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant di*#!
Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a #### ### once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.
Scott: Oh, so now I'M a di*#?!

T.M.I. [15.4][edit]

Butters: ...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
Kyle: No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Butters: Skeletor's real?
Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Butters: Skeletor's a lady?
Cartman: [enters the cafeteria in rage] GOD DAMN IT!!!!! WHO THE F**C DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!!!!??!!!!!!!??!!! THIS IS THE LAST F**CED STRAW!! I AM GOING TO F**CED KILL EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Butters: Hey, Eric!
Cartman: [violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS F**CED SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND ITS STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman?
Cartman: NO, I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Stan: Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Cartman: Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you!

Cartman: Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!
Principal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric!
Cartman: For what?!
Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Cartman: [points at her] Why did YOU measure our ##### sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board!!!
Victoria: ...What?
Cartman: I don't care if Obama IS president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DI*#S!!!!!
Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
Cartman: You're darn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that MY ##### is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!
Victoria: The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!
Cartman: What?
Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You GREW 1.2 inches.
Cartman: ...Those weren't our di*# sizes?
Victoria: WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?!
Cartman: I don't know! Why would you?!
Victoria: We didn't!
Cartman: [gets off the chair] Aw, ****! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?!
Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!
Cartman: Oh, God! Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Victoria: Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
Cartman: [points at her] F**C YOU!!!!!!! No, I don't!!

Worker: Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.
Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Wayne D: Man, this s***'s whack, man. I just see all this s*** frontin' man. I'm in the stands like pozze no f**cing' good, man. ***** be callin me tappin' that s***, man.

Crack Baby Athletic Association [15.5][edit]

City Sushi [15.6][edit]

Takayama: Welcome to S****y Sushi. Can I take er order please?

Tuong Lu Kim: What's the big idea putting your Shitty Sushi right next to my S****y Wok?!

Takayama: I'm sorry I do under understand your accent. You want a S****y tuna roll????

Tuong Lu Kim: No I don't want CS****y tuna roll! I want you to go find another S****y town to open your S****y Sushi place!

Takayama: Why don't you please just speak English? Maybe I can understand you!

Tuong Lu Kim: I am speaking English! Why don't you speak a f**cing English, you sofa eating f**c!

Takayama: Get out or I call police!

Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, kid, you don't want to eat this S****y Sushi! It give you worms.

Takayama: Better than S****y Kong Po Chicken made from CAT!!!!!!!!

[An Enraged Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takayama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut]

You're Getting Old [15.7][edit]

Ass Burgers [15.8][edit]

Stan: [He snaps in class] GOD, SHUT UP!! EVERYONE, JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyle: Stan?
Stan: [While drunk] Kyle! [Hugs Kyle]
Kyle: Hey, Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]
Stan: [Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical!
Kyle: Stan, are you alright?
Stan: But Kyle, it's all s***! For real! It's all shit because the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna f**c it all up! Come on!
Kyle: Dude. Have you been drinking?
Stan: You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
Kyle: It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Stan: [Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How s****y is that f**cing concept?
Kyle: See? There you go again. Look at you, dude. Look what you've become. [Cartman shows up to see Kyle]
Cartman: Everything alright here, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, It's fine.
Cartman: We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, ah I'll be right there.
Stan: Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Kyle: Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
Stan: [In silence, waiting for a moment] F**c you, Kyle, [Flips him off] you're a piece of s***! [Kyle leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're a piece of s***, though, F**c you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him]

The Last of the Meheecans[edit]

Cartman: [turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we've got to stop them!

Liane: [walking out] Eric, you want to say hi to Grandpa?

Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yee-haw!

The other four: Yeeh-aw [Timmy stays silent]

Bass to Mouth [15.9][edit]

Craig:Exclusive: "Stan Marsh thinks Elize Thomson has a hot butt #####."

[After Stan discovers his personal information on Eavesdropper.]

Stan:Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the f**c!
Stan:How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?
Kenny:I don't know.
Stan:Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?
Stan:That was a Private e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.
Wendy:You like looking at girls's butt #####, Stan!
Kenny:Oh, well, I'm getting out of here. [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]

Stan: What's funny about having our private emails hacked into?!
Wendy: Especially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to #####!

Broadway Bro Down[edit]


Cartman: And then... and then Wendy... said they were the 99% and that I was the 1% and that made me not ceeuuwwl!

A History Channel Thanksgiving[edit]

Natalie Portman: "Hmm... no!"

Cartman: “Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”
Stan: “What?”
Cartman: “Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”
Kyle: "Dude, shut your f**cing mouth."

The Poor Kid[edit]

Repeated Line: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Eric Cartman: Your mamma's so poor she can't even pay attention!
Eric Cartman: My mamma's so poor she walks down the street in one shoe, and if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she says 'No I found one!'
Mysterion: Karen McCormick is off limits!, do you understand? Make sure everybody in this school knows!

Carol McCormick: (yelling) You're BOTH drunk pieces of shit. Both of you sit the F**C down!

Child Service Agent: (crying) ITS LIKE A PENN STATE HOMECOMING PARTY!!!

Eric Cartman: (singing) I'm not, I'm not, that's right. The poor kid at schoooooool.