South Park/Season 15

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HUMANCENTiPAD [15.1][edit]

Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPad on the Japanese man's forehead.] Oh, wow! No way! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!

(Cartman and his mother Liane are in Best Buy looking at iPads.)
Liane: Here, look at this one... a Toshiba HandiBook.
Cartman (Enraged that Liane would even suggest such a thing): A TOSHIBA HANDBOOK?!
Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price.
Cartman (angry): Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everybody's going to think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!
Liane (stern): Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat. You can either have the Toshiba HandiBook, or you can have nothing at all. (There is a pause while Cartman considers this.)
Cartman (even angrier and snottier): Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?! Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna FUCK ME, MOM!!!!!!!!
Liane (sharp): ERIC...!
Cartman: You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me, Mom?! Just say so! Go ahead, here! (Cartman's meltdown has attracted some very unwelcome attention. Cartman yanks down his pants and exposes his butt to Liane, who is totally mortified.) HUH?! GO AHEAD, MOM, FUCK ME! FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE BEST BUY!!!!!! YOU WANNA FUCK YOUR SON SO BAD?!!!?!?! GO ON MOM!! FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Cut to the car, not long after that. Cartman is crying while Liane simply looks straight ahead at the road.)
Liane (angry): Stop crying, Eric! I told you that if you kept acting like this, you weren't getting anything!
Cartman (contrite): But I told you I was sorry.
Liane (not convinced): You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!
Cartman (contrite): But I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.
Liane: Then why did you go outside to the police officer and say "HELP, HELP! MY MOM IS TRYING TO FUCK ME!"?
Cartman: Oh, wait. I get it now. The "F" word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people, Mama.
Liane: Then if you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting anything!
Cartman: (sniffles) Well, no, that doesn't really have any logical sense, mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad... Mama. Please can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
Liane: (Yells): NO!!!!!!
Cartman: (Sniffles) Well, then could we at least pull up here and get some dinner? Cause I liked to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve Jobs: Hello everyone, I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices. Let's hear it for our volunteers! [Klieg lights focus on another part of the stage. The curtains there open and the volunteers are shown: Junichi, Kyle, and the woman, all in hospital beds. The platform they're on rolls forward as Jobs approaches it] These three people have agreed to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds, and become the prototype of our first truly-interfaced device.
Kyle: The first what?
Steve Jobs: [walks back to his starting position] They have actually agreed to be surgically altered. [a projection appears on a huge white board] Their lips will be removed and they will be sewn together mouth to anus.
Woman: What??
Steve Jobs: [looks at and tells the woman] You agreed to this! [back to the projection] Mouth to anus so that the feces so that the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy - [looks over at Kyle] and he agreed this was okay - enter the mouth of the little boy, leading through his anus to the mouth of the female - who completely agreed; they all agreed - which will then go to a tablet device, making a product that is part human, and part centipede, and part Web browser, and part emailing device! I give you... the HUMANCENTiPad!
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oho... I should habu never appudeitedo iTunes!
Kyle: [with his mouth sewn onto Junichi's ass and bandages bound around them to make sure it stays that way] (I need some help! I can't take it!)
Steve Jobs: [walks up to Kyle and leans down to hear him better] What, what what's that? What's that you're saying?
Kyle: (I can't take it! I want out right now!)
Steve Jobs: Yeah you want out? Are you saying you want out?
Kyle: (Yes! Please! Let me go!)
Steve Jobs: Fine. You don't want to be part of this? Then just sign right here. [whips out another contract. Kyle looks at the contract, then just signs it] Nooo! You didn't read it! This says we don't ever have to let you out and that we can do whatever we want! [walks up to his staff, frustrated] Dammit, why won't it read?!
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh, oh no... feel sick...
Kyle: (You're fine!)
Junichi: Oooho, oooh! [poops into Kyle's mouth violently]
Kyle: (Yaaaaah!) [poops into the woman's mouth violently]
Woman: (Yaaaaah!)
Announcer: Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.
Dr. Phil: I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you?
Cartman: Yes! She fucks me so hard!
Dr. Phil: Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot?
Cartman: Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do!
Audience: Ohhh...
Dr. Phil: Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you?
Cartman: At Best Buy.
Audience: Ahhh...
Dr. Phil: Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?
Cartman: Uh huh.
Dr. Phil: And people saw her doing this?
Cartman: Yes!
Dr. Phil: And they didn't do anything?
Cartman: No!
Liane: [making her way to the stage] Eric, stop it!
Cartman: Oh there she is! There's my mom right now! [Dr. Phil crosses his arms]
Audience:Booooooo!
Cartman: Booooooo!
Liane: Eric, you come home, right now!
Audience: Booooooo!
Dr. Phil: Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?
Liane: I DON'T!
Cartman: She does! She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas, she fucked me on my birthday...
Audience: [shocked] Awwwwww!
Cartman: You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!
Man 1: You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo!
Man 2: [seated with his arm around a boy] If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first! [kisses the boy on the forehead slowly]
Dr. Phil: Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you.
Cartman: [suddenly bright with hope] An iPad??? [dances in his chair]
Junichi: Aarrrgh. Dame kore! ["This can't be!" He then says something else, and then...] (In Japanese Accent) So sori Kairu, but I am starving! Which would you rather I eat? Should I iito cuttlefish and asparagus, or the vanilla peisuto?
Kyle: (Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Cuttlefish and asparagus?
Kyle: (No! That's not what I said! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Very well I will iito the cuttlefish. [begins to gobble that down]
Kyle::(NOOOO!) [a door flies open and a group of men rush in]
Rescuer 1: Go, go! Come on guys, come on! Go! [reaches the cage and genuflects next to it] Don't worry. We're here to help you. [cuts the lock open with some bolt cutters and opens the cage door]
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! [the rescuer shushes him]
Rescuer 1: Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance waiting outside.

[The ambulance. The rescuer is restless and the sirens are on, the lights are flashing...]

Rescuer 1: Just try to stay calm. We're gonna have to try and get you separated right away!
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Yes, please hurry! That cuttlefish and asparagus is noto sitting well.

[The hospital. The rescuers rush the HumancentiPad into the ER]

Rescuer 1: We got it! We got it! Doctor, can you take this thing apart?!
Doctor:If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission. [shows Kyle a new agreement] Sign this release so we can operate.
Kyle: (Yes. Yes, hurry up.) [a buzzer sounds and the ER splits in two, revealing that it was all a setup to see if Kyle would finally read an agreement before signing it. The whole grouped just went around the headquarters and back in. Steve Jobs appears and walks up to the HumancentiPad]
Steve Jobs: No, dammit! It didn't read it! End of simulation, end of simulation! [the 'medical staff' splits up and walks off, while the doctor walks away from the corporation building] What is wrong with you people?! Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?!
Rescuer: We're sorry, sir. We really thought we'd get it to read this time.
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh no! Cuttlefish is about to come out ofu asshole!
Kyle: (Oh, shit!)
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!! [craps into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle craps into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman craps onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]
Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPhone on Junichi's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!
Reporter 1: Yes but, can it read?
Steve Jobs: Don't worry. It took a while, but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read, hasn't it?! [glares at Kyle]
Kyle: (Yes. I promise I'll read.)
Crowd: Hooraaaaaaaaay!
Cartman: Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me! [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and the power goes out]

[A hospital room, day. Liane is reading a book as she looks after Cartman, who's laid up in bed, his right leg in a sling. He's got burn marks all over his body, and he's crying. Liane continues reading, unaffected by Cartman's state. End of HumancentiPad.]



Funnybot [15.2][edit]

[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humor]
Cartman: Dude, what the heck?! Did you see the news?!
Stan: We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Jimmy: Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!
Cartman: OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!
Funnybot: Exterminate!

Royal Pudding [15.3][edit]

"What a great day for Canadians everywhere! The Winnipeg drummers, playing the "March of 1000 Farts"...as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family."
"People in attendance, now gently tossing Cap'n Crunch as the prince passes by...as of course is tradition."
"Ah, here she comes! Yes, there she is! The about-to-be princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing? So pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face....She is indeed the living symbol of our greatly country. My God, she's beautiful."
Scott: (loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum I smell Kraft dinna.
Canadian General: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!
Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And THEN I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!
Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.
Ike: STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!
Scott: Oh, so now I'M a dick?!

T.M.I. [15.4][edit]

Butters: ...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
Kyle: No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Butters: Skeletor's real?
Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Butters: Skeletor's a lady?
Cartman: [enters the cafeteria in rage] GOD DAMN IT!!!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!!!!??!!!!!!!??!!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Butters: Hey, Eric!
Cartman: [violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND ITS STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman?
Cartman: NO, I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Stan: Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Cartman: Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Well, the school put the sizes of all our penises up on a big chart in the school hallway!
Kyle: …No they didn't.
Cartman: YEAH THEY FUCKING DID KYLE!
Stan: Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our wieners?
Cartman: Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!
Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
Cartman: Go look for yourselves!!

Cartman: Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!
Principal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric!
Cartman: For what?!
Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Cartman: [points at her] Why did YOU measure our dick sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board!!!
Victoria: ...What?
Cartman: I don't care if Obama IS president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!!!!!
Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
Cartman: You're darn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that MY dick is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!
Victoria: The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!
Cartman: What?
Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You GREW 1.2 inches.
Cartman: ...Those weren't our dick sizes?
Victoria: WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?!
Cartman: I don't know! Why would you?!
Victoria: We didn't!
Cartman: [gets off the chair] Aw, shit! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?!
Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!
Cartman: Oh, God! Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Victoria: Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
Cartman: [points at her] FUCK YOU!!!!!!! No, I don't!!

Worker: Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.
Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Wayne D: Man, this shit's whack, man. I just see all this shit frontin' man. I'm in the stands like pozze no fucking' good, man. Shit be callin me tappin' that shit, man.

Crack Baby Athletic Association [15.5][edit]

City Sushi [15.6][edit]

Takayama: Welcome to City Sushi. Can I take er order please?

Tuong Lu Kim: What's the big idea putting your City Sushi right next to my City Wok?!

Takayama: I'm sorry I do under understand your accent. You want a City tuna roll????

Tuong Lu Kim: No I don't want City tuna roll! I want you to go find another City town to open your City Sushi place!

Takayama: Why don't you please just speak English? Maybe I can understand you!

Tuong Lu Kim: I am speaking English! Why don't you speak a fucking English, you sofa eating fuck!

Takayama: Get out or I call police!

Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, kid, you don't want to eat this City Sushi! It give you worms.

Takayama: Better than City Kong Po Chicken made from CAT!!!!!!!!

[An Enraged Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takayama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut]

You're Getting Old [15.7][edit]

Ass Burgers [15.8][edit]

Stan: [He snaps in class] GOD, SHUT UP!! EVERYONE, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyle: Stan?
Stan: [While drunk] Kyle! [Hugs Kyle]
Kyle: Hey, Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]
Stan: [Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical!
Kyle: Stan, are you alright?
Stan: But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit because the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!
Kyle: Dude. Have you been drinking?
Stan: You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
Kyle: It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Stan: [Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept?
Kyle: See? There you go again. Look at you, dude. Look what you've become. [Cartman shows up to see Kyle]
Cartman: Everything alright here, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, It's fine.
Cartman: We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, ah I'll be right there.
Stan: Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Kyle: Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
Stan: [In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you, Kyle, [Flips him off] you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're a piece of shit, though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him this time]

The Last of the Meheecans[edit]

Cartman: [turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we've got to stop them!

Liane: [walking out] Eric, you want to say hi to Grandpa?

Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yee-haw!

The other four: Yeeh-aw [Timmy stays silent]

Bass to Mouth [15.9][edit]

Craig:Exclusive: "Stan Marsh thinks Elize Thomson has a hot butt crack."
Stan:What?

[After Stan discovers his personal information on Eavesdropper.]

Stan:Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the fuck!
Kenny:What?
Stan:How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?
Kenny:I don't know.
Stan:Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?
Kenny:No.
Stan:That was a Private e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.
Wendy:You like looking at girls's butt crack, Stan!
Kenny:Oh, well, I'm getting out of here. [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]

Stan: What's funny about having our private emails hacked into?!
Wendy: Especially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack!

Broadway Bro Down[edit]

1%[edit]

Cartman: And then... and then Wendy... said they were the 99% and that I was the 1% and that made me not ceeuuwwl!

A History Channel Thanksgiving[edit]

Natalie Portman: "Hmm... no!"

Cartman: “Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”
Stan: “What?”
Cartman: “Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”
Kyle: "Dude, shut your fucking mouth."

The Poor Kid[edit]

Repeated Line: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Eric Cartman: Your mamma's so poor she can't even pay attention!
Eric Cartman: My mamma's so poor she walks down the street in one shoe, and if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she says 'No I found one!'
Mysterion: Karen McCormick is off limits!, do you understand? Make sure everybody in this school knows!

Carol McCormick: (yelling) You're BOTH drunk pieces of shit. Both of you sit the FUCK down!

Child Service Agent: (crying) ITS LIKE A PENN STATE HOMECOMING PARTY!!!

Eric Cartman: (singing) I'm not, I'm not, that's right. The poor kid at schoooooool.