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Misfits (TV series)/Season 1

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Misfits is a British black comedy-drama series about a group of young offenders forced to work in a community service programme, where they attain preternatural powers after a strange electrical storm. The first series started broadcasting on 12 November 2009 on E4 and the finale aired on 11 December 2013, and was produced by Clerkenwell Films.

Episode 1

[edit]
Tony: This is it. It's your chance to do something positive. Give something back. You can help people, you can really make a difference to people's lives. That's what community service is all about. There are people out there who think you're scum. You have an opportunity to show them they're wrong.
Nathan: Yeah, but what if they're right? [Looks at Gary] No offence. [Pointing at Gary] But I'm thinking some people are just born criminals.
Gary: You're looking to get stabbed?
Nathan: You see my point there?
Alisha: What? I thought you had finished!
Tony: You see my lips still moving, this means I'm still talking!
Nathan: Yeah, but you could have been yawning or... chewing.
Kelly: Ehm, what makes you think you’re better than us?
Nathan: What is that accent?!
Curtis: Is that for real?
Kelly: What are you trying to say something, yeah?
Nathan: It’s a- are you- that’s just a noise! Are we supposed to be able to understand her?!
Kelly: [licks him off] Do you understand that?
Nathan: What about you, weird kid? Don't take this in the wrong way or anything, but you look like a pantie-sniffer.
Simon: I'm not a pantie-sniffer. I'm not a pervert. [Nathan mimes masturbating and makes strange noises, teasing him] I tried to burn someone's house down!
Nathan: Verrr!
Kelly: A girl called me a slag so I just got into a fight.
Nathan: Was this on The Jeremy Kyle Show?
Kelly: No, it was at Argos.
Kelly: What did you do?
Nathan: Me? I was done for eating some pick 'n' mix.
Kelly: Bollocks.
Tony: It's my car!
Nathan: Ha, classic!
Nathan: I'll tell you who did it, it's that Banksy prick. There is a hidden meaning. It's like that monkey police man with a banana and a Tesco's bag.
Kelly: You know, after the storm, did any of you's start feeling dead weird?
Nathan: Yeah, I had a strange tingling sensation in my anus.
Nathan: A group of young people doing mindless shit all day. Face it man it's bound to happen. It always does. It's biology. Or physics. One of those. Do we have a deal? [Spits on his hand]
Curtis: No.
Curtis: They said 'cause of my profile, they needed to send a message.
Nathan: You let yourself down. You let the kids down. You let your parents down.
Alisha: Me and my mate Chloe are having cocktails in this bar, yeah? And she's hassling me 'cause she wants to go to this party. Chloe's on one, because she thinks Jack is doing Lucy. Total slut fuck. So, we get in my car. I drive us to the party. We go into one of the rooms, yeah. Jack’s not doing Lucy; he’s doing Ellie. She is a proper slut. Chloe freaks. I’m driving us back into town. Chloe's all like, "Ugh. I feel sick." I'm like, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Don't puke in my car. Do not. Puke. In my car." That’s when the police pull us over. I’m already banned from driving, so I am like, "Fu...ck". This cop, yeah, he hands me the breathalyzer, and I’m like, "Do I suck, or blow?" [Starts to suck the bottle] It’s insane, I’m totally working it, yeah? [Continues sucking the bottle] Now I don't know if this cop is gay or what but he tells me I'm five times over the limit. Fucking bullshit. I didn't even want to go to the party.
Nathan: OK. If you can hear our thoughts, what am I thinking? [thinks “This is bullshit”]
Kelly: Do you think it's bullshit?
Nathan: Of course I think it's bullshit, you don't need to be a mind reader to know that.
Kelly: Why are you on a wheelchair?
Nathan: It was the storm. The strange tingling sensation in my anus is spread to my body, and now... I can't feel my legs.
Kelly: I'm serious
Nathan: I'm no doctor, but you see the way the side of his head's all caved in like that...?
Simon: If there is no body, there is no crime.
Nathan: I'm pretty sure this breaches the terms of my ASBO.
Nathan: There is no going back now, man. You were just as screwed as the rest of us. You are black AND famous. You are probably more screwed!
Nathan: Didn't you say you wanted to piss on her tits? Probably best to keep that kind of thing between you and your internet service provider.
Nathan: What if I can't feel pain? [Kelly hits him] Ow!
Nathan: A few days ago... I go into the toilets, Tony and Gary were in there. They are butt naked, Tony has Gary by his hair, like this, and he's just doing him, doggy style. And Tony is like, "Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy, I'm Big Daddy. Oh! Oh yeah, you like that? Oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm Daddy Cool!" So I'm guessing they've ran away to continue their illicit homosexual affair. I ask you, in this world of intolerance and prejudice, who are we to condemn them?
Simon: Maybe you can fly.
Alisha: He's not gonna be able to fly.
Nathan: Yeah, there's always someone that can fly. Check it out.
Kelly: Don't.
Nathan: Ow! No, that's not it.
Curtis: So what happens now? Is this it? Are we gonna be like this forever?
Simon: What if we are meant to be, like, superheroes?
Nathan: You lot, superheroes? No offence, but in what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen?
Alisha: I did not sign up for that.
Nathan: Superheroes! I love this guy... you prick!
Kelly: What if there’s load of people like us all over town?
Nathan: No, that kind of thing only happens in America. This will fade away. I’m telling you, by this time next week, it’ll be back to the same old boring shit.

Episode 2

[edit]
Nathan: You can think what you like, but I have a superpower and I just need to find out what it is.
Alisha: Maybe you're just super-retarded.
Nathan: Maybe I've got a whole Spider-Man vibe going on. You know, maybe I can climb stuff and do spider shit.
Curtis: Yeah, because that makes perfect sense. Why would you be able to climb stuff?
Nathan: I don't know. How is it that you can turn back time, apparently, and weird kid can turn invisible? It's not like this whole situation is backed up by a wank-load of logic.
Alisha: He is obviously some kind of pervert, or he's gay.
Curtis: That follows.
Alisha: Well, he was cruising for rough trade. They love that shit.
Curtis: Oh, a little light homophobia. Go for it.
Simon: Maybe he's a werewolf.
Nathan: Twat.
Simon: It's what happens in the films. You turn into a werewolf, you kill someone and you wake up somewhere, naked –like a zoo.
Kelly: [Goes near Stan, the old man] Is he dead? I think he's dead.
Nathan: [Goes near one of the man's hears] SHE'S STEALING YOUR PENSION!
Stan: OOH!
Nathan: Nah, he's fine.
Stan: [thinking] My mouth's as dry as a badgers chaff!
Kelly: Do you want a cup of tea? [hands him one]
Stan: [thinking] Well, bugger me!
Nathan: [Runs with a old woman in a wheelchair] OK, Joan. Let’s pick up some speed. Let’s get that wind flowing through your hair. Let’s get that wind flowing through your scalp, come on. [Sees a young lady and leaves Joan go alone]
Kelly: Is this a wind up? Is this you?
Nathan: If I was trying to wind you up, I think I’d be a little more creative. “I know what film you saw last summer.”
Nathan: Listen, I’m telling you, Mom. He was out there running around naked like a wolf boy.
Louise: What's a wolf boy?
Nathan: It’s a boy, raised by wolves. You know, little hairy kid in Siberia. We watched it on the Discovery Channel.
Nathan: If they actually knew anything, they wouldn’t be dicking around sticking notes on lockers. They would’ve gone to the police. And we’d all be banged up in prison, getting gang-raped in the showers. But this, this means that they have no evidence. No proof. Nothing.
Nathan: [shows to Jeremy the photo he took of him naked in a car park] George Michael gets away with this shit, but he used to be in Wham. Who are you?
Nathan: So just... take your crappy shit, and go. [Breaks a radio]
Jeremy: That's your mum's.
Nathan: Well, I'll buy her a new one 'cause that's what sons do for their mums.
Ruth: The worst thing about being lonely is knowing somebody knows you are lonely.
Nathan: I shagged someone's gran!
Ruth: I haven't got any grandchildren.
Nathan: Well, that's ok than, because that could have been really awkward.
Nathan: [Appears behind a sheet on laundry line] So... I suppose you're going to tell me you love him?
Louise: But it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm... I'm so sorry I hit you.
Nathan: I... I punched the guy you live with. Your... you... I can't call him your "boyfriend", or your "partner". It's too pathetic!
Louise: You can call him "Dad", if you like.
Nathan: Oh, that's funny.
Louise: I've been worried about you. Where are you living?
Nathan: I've got a flat... with some friends... flatmates.
Louise: If you try to get on with Jeremy, I mean, really try, well, maybe you could move back in.
Nathan: I'm not being funny. A woman your age... if you don't settle down before your looks go, you've got no chance.
Louise: Oh, thank you!
Nathan: I can't look after you when you're eighty. You'll be phoning me every time you wanna change the TV channel? No, too painful. I've got my flat. It's better for all of us.
Nathan: [to Jeremy] If you ever hurt her, I'll take you up at the vet and have you put down.
Kelly: I told you there'd be other people who got messed up by the storm. And you didn't believe me.
Nathan: Yeah, well, I was wrong wasn't I? There's a hurricane of weird shit out there! [Alisha makes a gesture alluding to cunilingus] Oh, another oral sex gag! Brilliant!
Louise: Every man I meet. There's always a reason you take against them. It's like when you said Richard was sexually abusing you.
Nathan: It's nothing like that. This is true.
Nathan: So are you like a member of staff or something?
Young Ruth: I'm a volunteer.
Nathan: Volunteer?! I love to volunteer.
Young Ruth: Is that why they gave you community service?
Nathan: Could be, could be. I'd probably just be here anyway you know, helping out.
Young Ruth: So what did you do?
Nathan: I sexually assaulted a 90-year-old woman.
Young Ruth: That's funny.
Nathan: She didn't seem to think so at the time. God rest her soul.
Nathan: He's not a werewolf. This guy is such a pussy, he has to get my mum to open jars for him. I'm pretty sure a werewolf could open a jar of peanut butter for himself.
Alisha: You should come out with us some time.
Curtis: I would you know but, my mum told me to stay away from girls like you.
Alisha: Your mum has never met a girl like me.
Nathan: Your boyfriend is some kind of psycho, rough trade, gay, rapist, werewolf!

Episode 3

[edit]
Simon: If I'm invisible, I can see if anyone puts anything in our lockers.
Curtis: That sounds like a plan. [To Alisha putting on mascara] You alright with that one, yeah?
Alisha: Works for me.
Curtis: [To Simon] Go on then, turn invisible.
Simon: I can't do it when everyone's watching me.
Nathan: So I guess it's like pissing at a urinal if you've got a tiny cock.
Alisha: Well, that's, er, really impressive. [They walk away, then Simons transforms] Hey, you lot! Did you see it?!
Ben: [Leading them] Okay, so, all these clothes have been donated by members of the public and we need to sort them before we ship them to Africa.
Alisha: Just another day in paradise.
Ben: Yeah, well, I'm sure the people receiving them will be grateful for your hard work.
Alisha: They should be. They're getting a new wardrobe.
Curtis: You are so wrong.
Ben: These are the categories to sort them into. It's children's clothes, shoes, coats. That kind of thing. Okay, so, if you've got any questions, just ask. [Nathan pops up hand and Ben nods at him]
Nathan: If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?
Ben: If you've got any relevant questions, just ask. [Kelly chuckles] Oh, and if it's on dry land, I'd bet on the bear.
Nathan: [Holds up a shirt to Curtis] Suits you.
Curtis: [Swipes shirt out of Nathan's hand] Fuck off!
Nathan: [Holds up a skiing boot] Ski wear. Classic. Try walking ten miles to the well in these. Hey, hey, hey, who am I. [Puts on skiing goggles and does a rendition singing of a U2 song] One luhh ohh yeaahh huh huuuhh ahh... [Other community servers are just silently staring] C'mon! Okay. All right, all right, I'll give you a clue. I'm an annoying cunt!
Alisha: Yeah, we know that.
Nathan: I'm Bono!
Nathan: [Social worker Sally walks in with Jodi] Who's that?
Kelly: It's a girl I had a fight with. I got to do some restorative justice bollocks with her.
Nathan: [Raises hand like a bodybuilder] Hey, Bono, yeah?
Sally: What?
Nathan: I don't know why I bother.
Sally: Jodi's here. Come on.
Ben: [Alisha's holding up a dress] Suits you.
Sally: [To Kelly sitting far apart from Jodi on a couch in office] So, have you anything you'd like to say to Kelly?
Jodi: I've got nothing to say to her!
Sally: Kelly, would you like to tell Jodi why you hit her?
Kelly: Yeah, 'cause if you go around saying someone's a slag, you're gonna get a slap. [Jodi sucks teeth] Is there something up your teeth?!
Sally: Okay, how are you two going to resolve this? [Nathan rollerskates past office window doing a sustained singing note with Kelly amused and Sally opens office door] Take the roller skates off! And the goggles! Take them off!
Nathan: Ah, this is bullshit. We're never gonna be mates!
Kelly: I heard you and Darren broke up.
Jodi: Yeah.
Kelly: I heard he dumped yah. What's that about?
Jodi: What is it you?!
Sally: Let's keep things friendly!
Kelly: You're better off without him. He's a rat faced glue sniffer.
Sally: Kelly.
Jodi: Are you sayin' he's got a rat face?!
Kelly: Yeah, he's a proper ratty.
Jodi: [Stands up] Don't even be talking about him?!
Kelly: [Stands up] What'd you care?! 'Cause he dumped yah! [Flicks off Jodi's hat who punches Kelly who headbutts Jodi]
Sally: Kelly!
Jodi: [Mindread by Kelly] You see how it feels, bitch! [To Sally manhandling her out of office] She's getting life! She headbutt me!
Sally: Just get out!
Jodi: You slut whore!
Sally: Just calm down!
Kelly: [Throws chair out of office] Shut up, you twat!
Sally: Kelly!
Kelly: I was trying to be nice! [Voice of thought] Yeah, I had an attitude.
Curtis: I think that went pretty well.
Alisha: How comes you never talk about when you got arrested?
Curtis: Nothin' to talk about.
Alisha: See? That just makes me more curious. C'mon. Give it up!
Curtis: I was buying some coke. Me and this girl I was seeing. Sam. The police caught us.
Alisha: That sucks.
Curtis: I had one wrap on me. She had the rest of it. She was done for intent to supply.
Alisha: What happened?
Curtis: She went to prison. Six months.
Alisha: Shit. Are you still with her?
Curtis: Everything that was happening... it was too messy.
Alisha: So... you're not with anyone?
Curtis: Nah. [Alisha leans in to him] What? What?
Alisha: [Stroking him] You know what. I know you want to. All I have to do is touch you.
Curtis: Don't.
Alisha: I could have you... any time I want.
Curtis: Quit doing that, man. Leave it!
Alisha: Stop being such a dick! [Alisha grabs his wrist and transforms his mental state with him grabbing her and leading her to washroom] Oh, you're so beautiful!
Alisha: All right, Curtis, wait! Curtis! Curtis!
Curtis: I'm always thinking of you. I just want to be with you. I know you do. Come on.
Curtis: [Alisha lets go of Curtis wrist in washroom stall who reverts to his default mental state and he bursts out of washroom stall] Oh, man! That is wrong!
Alisha: Don't freak out!
Curtis: You can't be doing that to people!
Alisha: Trust me! You enjoyed it!
Curtis: That wasn't me!
Alisha: But you were so up for it. You kept telling me how much you wanted to be with me.
Curtis: When I want to tell you something, I'll tell you myself. You don't know what I'm feeling.
Alisha: Yeah, well, I see how you look at me.
Curtis: Yeah? I won't be looking at you any more.
Alisha: Yes, you will.
Curtis: You think 'cause you're beautiful, you can treat people any way you want?!
Alisha: Yeah, that's pretty much how it works.
Ben: [Alisha bursts out of washroom] Are you alright?
Alisha: Fine.
Ben: If you need someone to talk to, I'm a really good listener.
Ben: [Putting on his shirt in Alisha's room with her in bed] Right. Well. Didn't see this coming. It's just I, er... I don't usually do this kind of thing. I mean, I'm not saying you do. It's just... I don't remember us having sex. We had sex, right?
Alisha: Can you just go?
Ben: Yeah. [Leaves room]
Nathan: You alright?
Kelly: What?
Nathan: You're usually a whole lot gobbier than this.
Kelly: No, I'm not.
Nathan: Come on, you haven't punched me in a few hours. I'm worried about you.
Kelly: I'm fine. How comes you're living in the Community Centre, anyway?
Nathan: Do we have to be that intimate with each other's lives? No, I don't think so. Not so big on the sharing. I'm not getting a shag now I'm a homeless. Those Big Issue guys aren't getting any. Oh, shit! She can hear that! When are you gonna learn?!
Curtis: You think because you're beautiful you can treat people anyway you want?
Alisha: Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. Haven't you figured that out yet?
Curtis: You're so messed up. And you don't even know it.
Nathan: Hurray! It's the starlet of justice!
Kelly: I was only saying that the lad that she used to go out with was a dick. I was only being nice.
Nathan: Oh, yeah, you were being lovely. Right up until you threw the chair at her.
Simon: What's he doing? [talking about Nathan]
Curtis: He's trying to smash the bottle with his mind... I think he's gonna shit himself.
Nathan: I’ve got a power! I know it! I can feel it in my balls!
Nathan: Look, we’re a bunch of young offenders and not one of us knows how to steal a car? That is pathetic.
Curtis: [At vehicle boot] We're set. Let's go.
Nathan: [Walks up to vehicle waving a disembodied human hand] Uh, hello? Don't you think you're forgetting something? [Throws hand onto windshield]
Alisha: Jesus!
Curtis: Sorry.
Nathan: I like your cap. [Takes off her cap and her wig comes off too]
Kelly: No! [Runs away in absolute embarassment]
Nathan: What...
Simon: Did you know she was bald?
Nathan: 'Course not, twat. Jesus.
Alisha: She looked like an alien.
Nathan: Ah, don't be mean. [Then admits laughing] She did, didn't she? A bald alien! Shh. I should probably try and find her. [Holds up cap and wig] You know.
Alisha: [To Simon] Can't you see we're trying to have an awkward conversation? Move! Go! [Simon leaves, then to Curtis] The sex wasn't that bad, was it?
Curtis: You don't get it, do you? [Leaves]
Alisha: There's nothing wrong with me! You're the one with the problem!
Nathan: Are you all right?
Kelly: No, I'm not all right, you prick. I'm bald!
Nathan: I've got your cap... and your wig.
Kelly: I don't want you to see me like this.
Nathan: All right, listen, I'll close my eyes. I'm gonna throw them down, OK?
Kelly: Keep them shut. Don't look!
Nathan: So, I thought that whole moving-the-bodies thing went pretty well, you know, considering.
Kelly: If you laugh at me, I will kick the shit out of ya.
Nathan: I'm not gonna laugh. Who's laughing?
Kelly: Well, don't.
Nathan: So... what's with the baldness?
Kelly: This morning, I was in the shower, and me hair started falling out.
Nathan: What did the doctor say?
Kelly: They don't know. They're gonna have to send me for some tests.
Nathan: So what are we talking about here? Are we talking about upstairs and down?
Kelly: What?!
Nathan: You know? Do you have a bald fanny? [Kelly starts pushing and slapping him] Oh! For fuck's sake!
Nathan: So the probation worker is driving around with the stiffs in the boot of her car. Just thought you'd want to know. Anyway, call me!
Curtis: You don't need to use your power on me. I'm already there.
Nathan: [To the guys] Oh, get the bodies! [Throws a brick on Sally's windshield]
Sally: What the hell are you doing?!
Nathan: It's just pure, mindless vandalism!
Sally: What is the matter with you? Are you mentally deficient?!
Nathan: If I was mentally deficient, I would have missed. Check that out. Bull's-eye!
Simon: They are gonna think the probation worker is still alive. I stole his credit card. I used it to book a flight.
Curtis: That is smart!
Kelly: You're dead good at stuff like that.
Nathan: Yeah! Nice one, weird kid.
Simon: We should all go out for drink, you know, to celebrate. It's like an ironic "fuck you" to the probation worker. We're all out having a good time - you're buried under the foundations of an environmental monitoring station.
Simon: Do you wanna come for a drink?
Nathan: Are you asking me out in a date?
Simon: No, I meant all of us.
Nathan: Did you? I'm not your whore!

Episode 4

[edit]
Alisha: [Walking through door to locker room] Oh, my God! That is such a shamer. [Sees Nathan reenacting sex scene with mimicking masturbation gestures]
Curtis: Do you think he's told the others?
Nathan: Bashing himself out of it.
Curtis: Yeah. I'm pretty sure he told 'em.
Nathan: And she was totally clicking the mouse off herself, man.
Kelly: No way!
Nathan: They were just, like, really face-to-face. He was wanking, she was flicking her own bean, right in each other's face.
Simon: You should've filmed it.
Nathan: Work that bean! Work that bean,
Nathan: Kelly, my love! Oh! Er, hi.
Alisha: Shut up. You enjoyed it, you pervert. [To Simon] What? Do you want to have a look too?
Simon: No, thanks. I'm okay.
Nathan: Can I have another look?
Curtis: Prick.
Alisha: Does anyone actually know what he got done for?
Kelly: Says it was for eating pick 'n' mix.
Curtis: That's bullshit.
Kelly: Are you two, like, together?
Alisha: Yeah, I guess. It's weird, yeah? Cos of my bullshit power thing, we don't actually have proper sex. We just stare at each other and wank ourselves off. But it is really special.
Nathan: [Using trash pick uppers to violate Simon] Come on. It's not gay 'cause we're not touching. All you want to do is get down to it and you can't, cos...
Sam: [Community servers walk out door and walks up to Nathan] Hi.
Simon: [Walking on] That's really disgusting.
Nathan: It's not fucking disgusting.
Curtis: When did you get out?
Sam: A few days ago. It's good to see you.
Sally: [On phone] You're saying Tony's walking round using his credit card. [Laughs] So why has no-one seen him? Because it's not him! Someone's stolen it. Look, if you're not going to do anything, then I will.
Curtis: [Sitting on table with Sam on rooftop] How was it in there?
Sam: Well, wasn't a lot of laughs. How you doing? How's community service?
Curtis: Is what it is, innit? Just need to get through it.
Sam: It's all so messed up. Screwed our lives over a bit of coke.
Curtis: You're out now. You need to move on. Do something different.
Sam: Think anyone's gonna give me a job with a conviction for dealing? I saw you with that girl. Are you with her? She's beautiful.
Curtis: It just happened, like. I didn't mean it to. And there's stuff going on with me right now, things I can't tell you about. Sam! I'm sorry. [Puts hand on her back] Sam? I'm sorry.
Sam: Why didn't you visit me?
Curtis: Cos I felt too guilty, innit? I asked you to buy the gear. It should've been me that went prison. Things didn't work out like that, did they? I told 'em. I told the police it was for me and my mates. They wouldn't listen. Trust me, if I could do anything to change it, I would.
Sam: You should've visited me!
Curtis: I know. I couldn't see you in there. I couldn't look you in the eye.
Sam: So you hook up with someone else? She's helping you deal with it, is she? My life is fucked! And that's on you! [Walks away and flips him over shoulder]
Undercover narc: [To Nathan barricaded in washroom] Police! Open the door right now! Bro, you're only making this worse for yourself!
Curtis: [Crouching besides vehicle in parking garage to Nathan walking by] Oh, hey, Nathan, I need your help!
Nathan: Do I know you? [Pause] Are you taking a shit?!
Curtis: What?
Nathan: There is a guy over here taking a shit!
Curtis: Shut up!
Nathan: Like me to grab you some toilet paper?
Curtis: I'm not taking a shit!
Nathan: How do I know you again?
Curtis: You don't. I thought you were someone else. Jog on. Go!
Nathan: Have a good one. [Walks away]
Curtis: Prick.
Beverly (the manager): Excuse me, you can't just help yourself to anything you fancy. This is not a buffet, that's theft. I could have you arrested for that.
Nathan: Really? For eating some pick 'n' mix?
Beverly: You're paying for the sweets in your mouth and for that drink.
Nathan: Beverley. Isn't that a women's name?
Beverly: Pay up and leave.
Nathan: Haha, Beverley. That's brilliant. Why did your parents give you a girl's name?
Beverly: This is your final warning.
Nathan: Maybe you were born with both sets of genitalia. You know like a chick with a dick.
Beverly: [Into a walkie-talkie] Can I have security to the concession stand?
Nathan: But I’m guessing your parents wanted a boy so they kept your cock and sewed up your clunge.
Beverly: You’re coming with me.
Nathan: [Screams into Beverly's walkie-talkie while being apprehended by Beverly on floor] I’m being assaulted by a chick with a dick! Help me! They sewed up his clunge! They sewed up his clunge!
Beverly: I was like you when I was younger. I thought I knew everything. I was a right cocky little arsehole.
Nathan: And look where it got you! You've got the big office, you've got a staple gun... you're living the dream, man!
Beverly: You think you're better than all this?
Nathan: I know, I'm better then this. Because Bev, if I'm not, I'll probably have to kill myself.
Beverly: You haven't got a clue.
Simon: I got your text.
Matt: What text?
Simon: You sent me a text telling me to meet you here.
Matt: I was texting my mate. I meant a different Simon.
Danny: [Walks up] You're a fucking dead man!
Nathan: I don't think so. I think you wanna thank me, 'cause... right now, I'm your best mate.
Undercover narc: [To Nathan up against wall] I saw you run last year. You were in a different league. Turn around. You don't need to be getting involved in this kind of thing. Not with your profile. Think, yeah? Sort yourself out. Clean? Well, I expect I'll be seeing you. Come on.
Mike (Nathan's Dad): Don't be a wanker.
Nathan: Thanks for the fatherly advice. It makes me feel all warm inside.
Nathan: Beverley, I don't want him paying for it.
Mike: You want him to call the police, do ya?
Nathan: Yeah, I do actually. Bev, call the police.
Mike: Yeah, you heard him man? C'mon, call the police.
Nathan: Call'em. ...Are you still here? [Mike leaves] See ya dad, let's do this again sometime it's been really special.
Manager: You and your dad seem close. [Laughs]
Nathan: Oh shut up Beverley. [Uses the staple gun on one of Beverley's hand]
Lee (Kelly's fiancé): [Finds an engagement ring in a car he's stealing] Kel? Do you wanna marry me? ...What?
Kelly: That is so fucking romantic!
Sally: Tony. [He starts kicking a pole] Tony! Stop it, stop it. It's a car. It's insured.
Tony: Your engagement ring was there!
Sally: You were gonna propose to me?
Tony: Yeah.
Sally: Can I still say yes?
Sam: If they had caught us with the drugs, we would have been screwed.
Curtis: Shh, it didn't happen. Everything is gonna be alright. We got away with it. We did it.
Curtis: What happened?
Nathan: We were doing our, community service... our probation worker flipped out. Just... just went crazy and, and he killed them.
Curtis: How come you survived?
Nathan: They said I was half dead when they found me. Guess I'm just lucky.

Episode 5

[edit]
Nathan: [Sneaks up on Simon filming other community servers on steps] Pervert! What are you doing? [Snatches Simon's phone and films adjacently]
Simon: Give it back.
Simon: Come on, we'll do an interview. [Chuckles] First question. Have you ever had sex with a piece of fruit?
Simon: Give me my phone.
Simon: Second question. Was it a melon? [Simon lunges at Nathan wrestling back phone] Ah, he's trying to kiss me! He's trying to kiss me!
Simon: Just give it back!
Alisha: Give him his phone back, you prick.
Nathan: Ow, stop hitting me! Have your little toy. [Flips v-sign] Melon-fucker!
Sally: [Searching lockers] He's got Tony's credit card. It was in here.
Pete: Why did you put it back?
Sally: You need to catch him using it- it's evidence against him.
Pete: Sally...
Sally: It's here somewhere.
Pete: Even if we catch him using it, it doesn't prove he murdered Tony.
Sally: How else would he have got it?
Pete: Maybe he found it. The most we can do him for is fraud. Sally, stop. He'll know someone's been in there. [Grabs her] Sally! You keep this up, you're gonna lose your job. I know this is difficult.
Sally: He's got Tony's credit card.
Pete: I'm sorry. It's not enough.
Sally: This is your chance to talk about community service.
Alisha: It's... bullshit.
Sally: So do you think that you have learned anything?
Curtis: Yeah. Don't get caught.
Sally: Fine... how do you think you have changed?
Nathan: I think I'm taller.
Kelly: [Repeatedly] They graffiti and we clean it off. What is that about?
Alisha: [Answers phone] Ooh, hello?
Nathan: [sings] Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff...
Alisha: You're fuckin' lying! [Laughs]
Kelly: Do I look like I'm some kind of fuckin' knob? Do I?
Sally: It's not easy, being you, is it?
Simon: What do you mean?
Sally: I mean, how do you get along with the others? It must be hard. You're not like them. You're more... mature.
Kelly: [Sweeping floor with bifurcated sweepers with Nathan] Why has he been in there longer than the rest of us?
Nathan: He's obviously making more progress. He's such a little arse-kisser.
Sally: So have you thought about what you want to do when this is over?
Simon: I don't know.
Sally: Would you like to go to college or get a j...? [Nathan gibbers at office window using sweeper to allude to cunilingus with tongue motions] He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.
Simon: He is a twat.
Sally: So, what do you like doing? Come on, there must be something.
Simon: I like making videos, editing them together and that.
Sally: Really? Well, I have a friend who runs an editing suite. I could ask him about some work experience for you, if that's what you're interested in.
Simon: Yeah.
Sally: There's no need to look so shocked. I'm not that bad, am I?
Simon: No.
Sally: I should do some work. [Simon walks to door] Thank you.
Simon: For what?
Sally: It's nice there's someone I can actually have a conversation with.
Simon: Thanks.
Kelly: We never did find out who was putting notes in our lockers.
Nathan: What did I say? I said they had nothing. They were just pissing in the wind.
Curtis: You don't know what they got on us.
Simon: Maybe they're watching us right now.
Nathan: This shit is old news. We have outfoxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy. [To Kelly] You like that, huh? Yeah.
Alisha: Do you wanna come to mine tonight?
Curtis: Can't. Gotta baby-sit my nephew.
Curtis: How about I come with you? My aunt and uncle are well religious. Don't even have a TV cos of all the sex. Man, they take one look at you...
Alisha: Are you saying I look dirty?
Curtis: Yeah. [Wraps sweater around her shoulders pulling her in, they both chuckle]
Sally: [Drives up besides Simon] I thought that was you. D'you want a lift? I'm offering you a lift, Simon. It's not illegal. [Opens passenger door] Get in.
Sam: [Walks up to him] Hey. Let's go somewhere quiet.
Curtis: Okay.
Sam: [Sitting on steps with her] Why are you looking at me like that?
Curtis: I can't see you any more.
Sam: Are you finishing with me?
Curtis: I'm sorry.
Sam: Tell me why. Tell me.
Curtis: There are things going on with me, things I can't tell you about.
Sam: What things?
Curtis: It's nothing you've done. It's me. I've changed.
Sam: No, you can't do this to me! Don't do this!
Curtis: I'm sorry.
Sam: Please. Why are you looking at me like that?
Curtis: It's nothing. Nothing. Let's get a drink.
Sally: [Driving with Simon] So what's going on with Curtis and Alisha? Oh, come on. I'm not blind. Are they seeing each other?
Simon: I suppose so.
Sally: Well, Alisha's a very beautiful girl, isn't she? So what else do you lot get up to when I'm not around?
Simon: Nothing.
Sally: Really? It's okay. I'm not sure I wanna know, anyway. [Pulls up to Simon's house] So are you up to anything exciting this evening?
Simon: I'll probably just go online. How about you?
Sally: I'll watch some television, get an early night. God, I sound boring.
Simon: I don't think you're boring.
Sally: Thanks.
Simon: See you tomorrow.
Simon: [Chatting online] I think she is lonely.
Sally/Shygirl18: Are you lonely?
Simon: Yes.
Sally/Shygirl18: Then go for it. Ask her out.
Nathan: [Cleaning windows with Kelly and Simon] What if I can talk to animals?
Kelly: Why would you even think that?
Nathan: I saw this basset hound eating a kebab off the pavement. I was like, "You dirty bastard," and this basset hound gave me a right funny look.
Kelly: He probably thought you were a twat.
Nathan: No, it wasn't that kind of look. It was more like, "Are you talking to me? "Are you talking to me?" [Sees women walking by with babies] See? Babies. That's why I always use a condom. And if the girl looks dirty, I use two. [Elbow nudges Kelly] Belt and braces!
Nathan: He's... He's been been arrested. For... exposing himself... in public.
Sam: Exposing himself? What?
Nathan: Yeah. Flashing.
Simon: At some Scouts.
Nathan: Your girlfriend was here. The other one.
Curtis: I feel so guilty! Time rewinds and it's like I've never said it. I ended it six times. She cries and I'm back where I started. It's doing my head. I just need it to be over!
Nathan: You need to make her hate ya. Seriously... she's steaming, she's telling you got a tiny dick, you're a crap in bed, you don't feel guilty... maybe time won't rewind.
Sam: [Walks up] Hey. What did you want to talk to me about?
Curtis: I can't see you any more.
Sam: You're finishing with me? Why?
Curtis: 'Cause I'm gay.
Sam: [Laughs] You're gay?
Curtis: Mm-hm.
Sam: So... What, it was all a lie? Everything?
Curtis: Wait...
Sam: How could you do that to me? What are you doing? Do I mean nothing to you?
Curtis: Wait, no, don't cry. [Puts arms on Sam's shoulders and realizes he can turn back time]
Past Rewinded Sam: Hey. What did you want to talk to me about?
Curtis: I can't see you any more.
Past Rewinded Sam: You're finishing with me? Why?
Curtis: 'Cause you're fat. You're large. Kind of round.
Past Rewinded Sam: What?
Curtis: I've got three months left to live. I don't want to waste it with you. 'Cause I'm impotent and I know how much you love cock.
Past Rewinded Sam: Why are you being like this?
Curtis: 'Cause you got... weird tits. And nasty snatch gunk. I'm sorry.
Past Rewinded Sam: You're finishing with me?
Curtis: And you're gonna ask me why and I can't tell you. There are things going on with me, things I can't tell you about. No matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay.
Sam: What you just said. It's from Spider-Man. You're dumping me with a line from Spider-Man?
Curtis: [Repeatedly] No...!
Sam: You immature pathetic shallow bastard!
Curtis: It's not from Spider-Man!
Sam: Have you got no respect for me?! I thought you were better than that!
Curtis: Sam! [Grabs her and she slaps him] Oh!
Sam: You stay away from me!
Curtis: Done. [Straightens jacket and walks away]
Simon: [Brings drinks at a wine cellar bar] They asked me if I wanted small or large. I said large.
Sally: You trying to get me drunk?
Simon: No.
Sally: I'm joking. Maybe I should get you drunk.
Simon: Why?
Sally: Because I reckon you're quite cute when you're drunk. [Man walks by with head turned to them] Who's that?
Simon: I went to school with him.
Sally: A friend?
Simon: He lives next door to me. He stopped speaking to me when we started secondary school.
Sally: Did he give you an hard time?
Simon: Every morning when I woke up I felt sick just thinking about him. I told my parents and the teachers. They knew it was happening. No one did anything.
Sally: Was it his house you tried to burn down?
Simon: A few months ago, he sent me a text inviting me to this club. I thought he wanted to apologize. I get to the club, I walk up to him and his mates. He texted me by mistake. It was so humiliating.
Sally: Simon...
Simon: I was so angry, I... I got drunk. I started thinking about everything he did to me at school. I lost it. I went round to his house. I made sure his family were out. I soaked some tissues in lighter fluid. I lit them and dropped them through the letterbox. There was a cat.
Sally: A cat?
Simon: Inside the house. I thought, "The cat didn't bully me at school. "He hasn't done anything." The carpet was just starting to catch alight. The cat was freaking out.
Sally: What did you do?
Simon: I put the fire out.
Sally: How?
Simon: I pissed through the letterbox. [Her smirks grows] This is when his mum comes home. She starts screaming. You know what it's like once you've started. It's hard to stop. [She is giggling] It's not funny. Sorry. [She is laughing] I'm sorry. [Simons smiles with her]
Curtis: You know what you said about “no matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay”? Is that from Spider-Man?
Nathan: I don't know. I was just trying to sound intelligent.
Nathan: Him and his mum can come live with me at the Community Centre! I can get free food from the vending machines and I’ll steel booze from the kitchen. I’ll steal from other babies! I’ll go to the park and forage for nuts and berries!
Finn [the baby]: [thinking] You prick.
Alisha: So I guess we're getting serious then.
Kelly: Is that your tea?
Nathan: [shows what he got from the vending machine] Starter, main course, dessert. And a nice refreshing beverage to wash it down.
Kelly: You can't live on that shit. Why don’t you come round my house and I’ll cook you dinner?
Simon: You shouldn't have taken my phone. Give me the phone.
Simon: I can't let you go to the police.
Sally: Simon, you don't owe them anything.
Simon: They are the only friends I've got.

Episode 6

[edit]
Ellie: [Giving a pre-reformed addict's lifestyle confessional lecture to a support group on a park lawn] I went with so many boys. And girls, boys and girls at the same time. I took part in... disgusting, perverted, unnatural acts. I was drinking and taking drugs. I used bad language all the time. I called my mum... a “fat bitch”. But I'm not like that any more. I'm a good person.
Nathan: [With community servers on a nearby bench] That... that ain't normal.
Alisha: She went to my school. This one time, she's doing this boy I know in her dad's car, yeah? She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... [mimics repeated copulation grunts]
Nathan: Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.
Kelly: It's the same with some girls on my estate. No one's even getting pregnant any more. [To Simon] What about your friends?
Nathan: I believe that's generally referred to as a "pedophile ring".
Simon: I'm not a pedophile.
Nathan: Yeah? You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.
Simon: I don't even like cheese.
Nathan: That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.
Curtis: Maybe she's done sitting on her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.
Kelly: It's not just her, is it?
Alisha: Oh, yeah, look there's more.
Curtis: I know him.
Nathan: [Man and woman walk down steps] Oi, you! [Gestures come here]
Man: Can I help you?
Nathan: Why are you all dressed like retards?
Man: There's a meeting in the community centre tonight. You should come along and find out. All of you. [Walks away]
Nathan: Right. Cool.
Man: See you there, buddy.
Curtis: He used to be a right headcase.
Rachel: [To support group] Bring your friends.
Curtis: This is weird.
Rachel: They need our help. Things have to change.
Kelly: [to Simon] What about your friends?
Nathan: I believe that’s generally referred to as a “paedophile ring”.
Simon: I’m not a paedophile.
Nathan: Yeah? You’d screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.
Simon: I don’t even like cheese.
Nathan: That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.
Rachel: Don't you have any shame?
Alisha: Don't you have any dress sense? Seriously, you look like my mum.
Rachel: And you look like a slut.
Alisha: [Amused] Are you for real?
Rachel: You think having sex with boys will make them respect you? If you behave like a slut, they’ll treat you like a slut.
Alisha: Freak.
Curtis: What's he doing here?
Kelly: Who is he?
Curtis: He's police.
Alisha: [Walks in wearing a formal grey dress] Morning! [Goes through door]
Kelly: What is up with that?
Curtis: You want to tell me what's going on? What's with the makeover?
Kelly: If you dress like a slut, people will treat you like a slut.
Curtis: What's happened to you?
Kelly: I'm sorting my life out. All the drugs and the drink-driving. I've done so many things I'm ashamed of. And I... touched myself in front of you.
Curtis: [Chuckles] I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it.
Kelly: Well, I shouldn't be masturbating in public toilets. I'm saving myself until I'm ready to make a proper commitment.
Curtis: It's a bit late for that.
Kelly: No, it's never too late.
Curtis: And it's not too late for you either. Lisha, what is this? Has it got something to do with that lot we saw yesterday?
Kelly: You should come to our meeting.
Curtis: Did they do something to you?
Kelly: You used to have so much going for you. You threw it all away. So pathetic.
Curtis: This isn't you.
Kelly: We can help you, Curtis. Excuse me.
Rachel: [To Nathan who is sitting on a bench rolling a joint with walkman earbuds in] Excuse me, you know using Marijuana can cause epilepsy and mental illness? ...I'm talking to you! What's wrong with you? You don't need to behave like this. You can be so much better. [Starts whispering her mind control seed]
Nathan: [He then stands up unaffected and walks past Rachel] Nice cardigan!
Curtis: She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.
Nathan: It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.
Curtis: You realize that's my girlfriend you're talking about?
Nathan: And I feel your pain. [Puts hand on Curtis shoulder who swipes it off and points in Nathan's face]
Curtis: Wash your hands before you touch me!
Kelly: Have you finished?
Nathan: [Puts index finger to lips] The beast is back in his cage. He is sleeping. Shhh!
Curtis: It's that lot we saw yesterday. She's dressing like that. They did something to her.
Kelly: What, like brainwashing or something?
Simon: It's the storm.
Nathan: How d'you know that? You don't know that?
Simon: When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?
Curtis: He has got a point.
Nathan: Did you just recently GROW A SET OF BALLS?
Simon: I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
Nathan: That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Nathan: It's my wank sock.
Kelly: Aw no! Use a tissue!
Nathan: Well that requires planning, man. Look, you just knocked one out, right? Poom-byo! You're lying there, you're feeling cheap and deflated. There’s a pool of rapidly cooling spunk on your stomach. You’re looking round for something to mop up with. Oh, hello. What’s this? It’s a sock. Job done. Thank you.
Kelly: Maybe that's your power!
Nathan: I am very good at it.
Nathan: There's never a probation worker around when you need one.
Simon: Who's Barry?
Nathan: You are.
Kelly: His name is Simon.
Nathan: Is it? I thought it was Barry.
Nathan: What if that “virtue bitch” shows up? She is vexing them with some kind of Derren Brown voodoo mind shit. We need to gear up.
Nathan: Oh no…
Kelly: Why are you in my bedroom?
Nathan: What did they do to you?
Kelly: I think I look nice.
Nathan: Okay, yeah, I suppose you could argue it’s a huge improvement. I get that. It’s not you.
Kelly: That’s a good thing. I had a terrible attitude. I was so aggressive.
Nathan: Yes, but in a good way. You’re the only person that gives me a slap. There’s no bullshit with you.
Kelly: I was a horrible chav. I didn’t like who I was.
Nathan: I did... I can’t believe I’m going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can’t buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn’t. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you’re not… you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry. [kisses her on the cheek]
Kelly: That was really inappropriate.
Curtis: [Appears in control room pretending to be one of the “good guys” and Nathan sees him and walks up with a clipboard] Nathan. I'm so glad you're with us now.
Nathan: I'm so pleased to be here. I was such a loser. The drugs, the sex... all that fast food. I was so miserable.
Curtis: I hear you. You were such an annoying idiot.
Nathan: What's this?
Curtis: Oh, it's a petition. We're campaigning against contraceptives being given out in schools. Will you sign it?
Nathan: There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves... and that's knowledge. [Curtis chuckles and Nathan sees Rachel walking in a tight skirt and turning around] Please excuse me.
Nathan: She's got you thinking this is how you're supposed to be. Well, it's not! We're young. We're supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And that's what it's all about - breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class A's. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You're wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We're screw-ups. I'm a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her... or anyone else, take that away from me!
Rachel: Your gun's leaking! [Pause] So you threatened me with a water pistol?!
Nathan: [Simon appears] Save me, Barry! [Nathan falls off the roof] No...!
Simon: Kelly. This is for you. [gives her a CD]
Kelly: What is it?
Simon: Watch it.
Nathan: I've got a power. I bloody knew it! Who's laughing now? ...I'm alive! Help! HELP! You buried me alive you dicks! Help! ...I'm immortal. That's just great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. [Puts in iPod earbuds] Un-fucking-believable. [Plays iPod]
[edit]
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