Misfits (TV series)/Season 5

Season 1 2 3 4 5 Main

Misfits is a British black comedy-drama series about a group of young offenders forced to work in a community service programme, where they attain preternatural powers after a strange electrical storm. The first series started broadcasting on 12 November 2009 on E4 and the finale aired on 11 December 2013, and was produced by Clerkenwell Films.

Episode 1

Jess: Alex is out of surgery. He's going to be okay.

Rudy One: Ah! Get in mate! Well done. I tell you now, I never doubted it for a second. The handsome barman lives.

Rudy One: [Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!

Jess: You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.

Rudy One: I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.

Finn: Yeah, that's you all over.

Rudy One: And then they cast me out.

Abbey: And why were you cast out?

Rudy One: I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [A uniformed girl scout walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick! Shit. [Looks down] Is he still staring? He's really staring.

Jess: He's gone.

Rudy One: Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys. You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts. The first time I ever saw another boy's penis. Scouts. First time I touched another boy's penis. Scouts. First time another boy touched my penis.

Jess: Scouts?

Rudy One: It was in Scouts! It was in Scou... happy, sunlit days is what they were. [Referring to a female scout] Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.

Episode 2

Rudy One: [Jess is pulling out and Rudy slams against passenger side] Stop! [Points to lock] You gonna do that? [Walks to vehicle rear] Fucks sake. [Opens trunk door] Ah. Buzzing. [Climbs in] Listen, what are you doing? Ooh. What you doing right now? [Climbs into front seat]

Jess: I'm going for a facial.

Rudy One: I'll give you a facial.

Jess: Excuse me?

Rudy One: [Laughs] Sorry. I disgust myself when I'm nervous. Fuck, it's small in here. What I meant to say was, would you mind giving me a lift to my dad's harlot's flat, please?

Jess: Why can't Finn do it?

Rudy One: Because Finn doesn't have any respect for the institution of marriage, it would appear. And he doesn't have a car. So... wagons roll!

Rudy One: [Checks hair in sun visor mirror] Right. How's that?

Jess: You're not going on a date with her.

Rudy One: Well, actually, yes, she is going on a date. She's going on a date with destiny. No one fucks with my family. No one fucks members of my family. Apart from other members of my family.

Jess: [Sees him walking] Your dad's here.

Rudy One: [Leaps into back seat] Shit! Right, start the engine! This was a terrible idea! You never should have made me come here. You're a fool!

Jess: This is a perfect opportunity for you to talk to both of them without your mum being around. You should confront him.

Rudy One: Will you come with me, please?

Jess: No.

Rudy One: Oh, well, what a selfish cunt.

Jess: Really?

Rudy One: No. Not at all. I can't do this. I can't do it on my own. I'm not... I'm not mature enough. You know what? I might have a big, lush pubic bush, but that does not maketh me a man. I'm a child. I'm masquerading in a man's body back here.

Jess: All right. Just stop talking about your lush pubic bush. I'll come with you.

Rudy One: I use a volumising conditioner, in case you're wondering.

Rudy One: [Jess rings doorbell] No, no! What are you doing?! I'm mentally preparing myself, you fool!

Tina: [Opens door] What?

Rudy One: Bonjour. I am French and I am selling... la cheese.

Tina: You're selling cheese?

Rudy One: No, it is, um... how would you say? La fromage avec le milk... of la monkey francais.

Tina: Fuck off. [Closes door] Shit.

Jess: You're selling... monkey cheese?

Rudy One: So, no, no, no. I fucking panicked, didn't I? It was the first thing that sprung to mind. Shit!

Jess: Monkey cheese?

Rudy One: Well, you think of summat, then!

Jess: Double glazing.

Rudy One: Oh, well, really?! Really? That's original, isn't it? She already has it. She has double glazing. So, that's no sale.

Jess: [Reaches for doorbell] D'you want to try again?

Rudy One: No, I don't! Don't! Try again?! Christ! I can't tell her I'm not a French monkey-cheese salesman! I'm gonna look fucking ridiculous, aren't I? Right, and we wouldn't want that, would we? I'm not that guy, am I?

Jess: What guy? A French monkey-cheese salesman?

Rudy One: No, not a frigging French monkey-cheese.

Jess: The guy who does good noble shit and saves his... saves his parents' marriage. Well, you... you might be that guy. Maybe you just need a bit of practice. [They hear Tina within apartment]

Tina: I can't do this any more! [They look in front door but cannot see her so they do round back, peering in back door from a fence]

Dark Geoff: [Abusing Tina] I told you. I told you what I'd do if you ever tried to leave me.

Tina: Geoff, please, don't!

Dark Geoff: I will find you and I will hurt you.

Tina: Please!

Dark Geoff: Why do you do this? You make me like this. You're playing games with me. You think you can play games? Try it. Clean yourself up. You're fucking disgusting.

Jess: Are you all right?

Rudy One: No, I'm not. I'm very fucking far from being all right.

Jess: What are you going to do?

Rudy One: I'm going to go round my parents' house... and as soon as my dad answers the door, I'm going to punch him in his shitty little face. That's what I'm gonna do. Fuck!

Rudy One: [Knocks on parent's door and lunges with fist as mother answers] Fuck you!

Pat: [Reacts in terror] Ah!

Rudy One: [Rudy jumps back] Oh! Mum!

Pat: What the hell are you doing?!

Rudy One: Oh. [Chuckles] Classic. Your face, then. Ah.

Pat: You scared the shit out of me.

Rudy One: Hilarious.

Pat: [Walking in hallway] I thought you'd gone mental again.

Rudy One: What do you mean, mental again?

Pat: I thought you were at work.

Rudy One: [Leading Rudy to kitchen] Yeah, I've got the day off. Fancied doing the garden.

Pat: Here he is.

Geoff: [Cutting up a banana in kitchen] All right, son?

Rudy One: All right, Dad?

Geoff: How's the rowing? I thought you were in Spain, at that training camp?

Rudy One: Yes, I was in Spain at the training camp. Do you know what, though? They said there was nothing more they could teach me, so I just rowed home.

Geoff: Oh, right.

Pat: From Spain?

Rudy One: No, bloody hell, don't be ridiculous. Like, I dunno, two thirds of the way.

Geoff: Do you want to stay for tea, son?

Rudy One: I'm not hungry. So, how are you, Dad?

Geoff: Oh, you know, keeping busy.

Rudy One: Oh, busy? Been busy? Busy doing what, exactly? What exactly are you busy doing, Dad?

Geoff: Are you all right?

Rudy One: Dad, I'm all right. I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. The question is, really, are you? Are you all right, Dad?

Geoff: Yeah. Are you? I'm fine, aye.

Pat: Rudy, what is it?

Rudy One: There's something I have to tell you, Mum, and it's killing me, all right?

Geoff: What is it, son?

Rudy One: I'm sorry. Oh, fuck off! You know! Don't make me say it, when you know!

Geoff: [Waves knife at Rudy] You're gay, aren't you?

Rudy One: Oh, my God.

Pat: It's okay. We've always suspected it.

Rudy One: Well, I'm not gay, so...

Pat: Well, there was all that trouble with the Boy Scouts.

Rudy One: Fucking hell! That was an experimental stage, weren't it? No one judged Isaac Newton when he were friggin' wanking on apples, did they? [Picks up an apple]

Pat: Yeah, well, apples aren't the same as 12-year-old boys.

Rudy One: Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum. And maybe that's why you never discovered the fucking... the laws of gravity.

Geoff: Well, you know, you never had a girlfriend, so we assumed...

Rudy One: That I was a big gay. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've had loads of birds. I'm disgusting, I'll do anything. I've... I've got a reputation as a total slag. Mum, I am quite the slut.

Pat: How come we've not met any of them, then?

Rudy One: Because, I am, erm... fuck it! I'm embarrassed of you both! Look at you both! Look at you right now! You are an embarrassment! I'm ashamed! Deep shame for the pair of you! [Takes and eats a banana piece]

Pat: Oh, thanks for those kind words. [They both laugh]

Rudy One: Fuck.

Pat: It's okay. We love you, just how you are. Look at you. You're so handsome. [Rubs back of Rudy's head] Get your good looks from his dad, doesn't he?

Geoff: Oh, you smooth talker, you.

Rudy One: [Eating dinner in dining room] Could I have some more mint sauce, please, Mum?

Pat: Haven't you got enough?

Rudy One: Well, you can never have enough mint sauce, really, can you, with lamb? Cheers... thanks, Mum. Cheers. [Pat leaves] What the frigging hell are you doing here?

Dark Geoff: Me and your dad had an agreement. We agreed to stay away from each other. And then someone who looks like me walks into the bank and clears my bank account. He broke the agreement. And now I'm breaking it, too.

Rudy One: What fucking agreem...? [Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Do you know... do you know what I'd really like with this, right now? It's gonna freak you out. Horseradish sauce.

Pat: What, with lamb?

Rudy One: I know! Please. Yes, please. It'd be awesome, cheers. It'd be nice, it'd be just... just... that's all. I'm just thinking, just to take the edge off the mint. You know what I mean? Cheers, Mum.

Pat: Okay.

Rudy One: Oh. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] Get out now, dickhead. I'm not going anywhere. Fuck. I'm very comfortable in the bosom of my family.

Dark Geoff: It isn't your family! Get the fuck out of my bosom, dickhead.

Rudy One: [Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Ooh, give me that, give me that. Mm. Oh, yeah.

Pat: Mustard? You won't be able to taste your food.

Rudy One: Yeah, well, good! 'Cause it's disgusting! It disgusts me!

Pat: Rudy? Don't be so rude.

Rudy One: Please, can I just have a little bit of mustard, please? Sorry, Mum. Cheers, Mum. Thank you. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] You have got exactly three seconds to get out of this house, or I swear to God I will not be held responsible for my actions, boyo. One. Fucking two. Two and... and a half. Two and three quarters. Three. Dick. Don't you fucking touch my mum. Seriously. Don't you fucking touch my mum.

Dark Geoff: Oh, I'm gonna touch her. I am gonna fuck her brains out. And then I'm gonna take that pathetic excuse for a man she calls a husband and I'm gonna cave his fucking skull in.

Rudy One: My dad? What have you done with my dad?

Dark Geoff: I am your dad. If you say anything to your mum, I'll hurt her. I'll really hurt her.

Alex: [In abandoned market stalls] Would you stop sniffing that scarf?

Abbey: There's something about the smell of her. I keep asking girls in the bar if it's theirs, and none of them are her. She's like Cinderella.

Alex: This Cinderella, did you shag her?

Abbey: What? No.

Alex: Cinderella, like in the fairy tale. Pumpkin. Fairy godmother. She had a glass slipper.

Tara: [Hits her vehicle with purse] Fucking start, you piece of shit!

Rudy One: No, wait, it's you!

Tara: You're the monkey-cheese guy! Why are you looking at me like that?

Rudy One: Because you know my dad, don't you?

Tara: [Sitting on bench] He split in two? There's two of him?

Rudy One: You got the shitty end of the stick, mate. Well, the shitty end of the dad.

Finn: Monkey cheese? ls... is that even a thing?

Rudy One: Monkeys give milk to their young. So, I guess you could make cheese out of it.

Geoff: I'm going fishing on Sunday. Why don't you come round and keep your mum company? I'm sure she'll cook you a roast.

Rudy One: Yeah?

Geoff: Bring someone. A girlfriend. A boyfriend.

Rudy One: What d'you mean? No. For fuck's sake, I'm not gay, Dad!

Geoff: You might be.

Laura: Were you... smelling me?

Abbey: Mm. I found your scarf in the toilets.

Laura: Thank you. I thought I'd lost that. Thanks.

Abbey: How do you smell so nice?

Laura: I don't know.

Abbey: Perfume? Regular showering?

Laura: Yeah? Hmm.

Abbey: Can I get you a drink?

Laura: Um...

Abbey: It's okay. I'm not going to drug you and take you to my basement and rape you with a massive strap-on. I live in a flat, and it doesn't have a basement.

Laura: I'm not being funny, but you're really strange.

Abbey: Mm. It's 'cause I don't know who I am.

Laura: What do you mean, you don't know who you are?

Abbey: Well, I lost my memory in that weird freak storm. I've tried to find out who I am, but no-one's looking for me.

Laura: I'm Laura.

Abbey: I'm Abby, and you are the nicest-smelling person in the world.

Rudy One: [At urinal] Can you smell that, man? That smells like a brand-new day, that does.

Rudy Two: It smells disgusting. What have you been eating?

Rudy One: It smells like Dad, our dad, our real dad, isn't a murderous woman-beater. It smells like he uses his fists for better things. Things like, erm... I can't really think of anything good a fist is used for.

Rudy Two: There is that certain section of the, er... lesbian community that seem to enjoy it.

Rudy One: You got to admire their fortitude, really, haven't you? Full fist. Oh, mate, it smells like possibilities. It smells like one of Mum's roast dinners.

Rudy Two: Lamb or beef?

Rudy One: I'm gonna go with lamb. Baa!

Pat: [To Dark Geoff lying on ground] He told me everything. All the flings. All the affairs. There's nothing you can say to hurt me. You come anywhere near my husband or my son again, and I'll kill you.

Pat: It's so nice to finally meet one of Rudy's girlfriends. We thought he was gay.

Jess: Rudy? Gay? [Laughs] He's a total slag! Er... not... not a slag! I mean... I mean, he's lovely.

Pat: Oh, yes [They laugh]

Geoff: She's lovely.

Rudy One: Yeah, she is. She's very lovely indeed, actually. She's...

Geoff: Are you in love with her?

Rudy One: Whoa! No, shut up, Dad. No, I'm not in love with her. Listen to me, seriously. Jess is only here pretending to be my girlfriend so that you and Mum don't think I'm a gaylord.

Geoff: Oh, right. Whatever you say. Huh.

Rudy One: Knob.

Episode 3

Greg: [Uses a fire extinguisher to bust open Abbey's locker and finds a pouch, dipping finger in to discover a powdery stubstance] Oh, hello.

Jess: [Appears with community servers] That's Abbey's locker.

Greg: Does this explain why that dewy-eyed my-little-fuckwit isn't turning up for her community service? She likes to rave, does she? She off her face in a field somewhere, dancing with the little bunny rabbits? [Hyperactively dances] Aceeed! A-a-a-aceeed! Aceeed! A-a...

Finn: [Raises index finger] It's sherbet.

Greg: [Walks up to community servers and sprays around powder, with Rudy coughing] Think of her as your child. This precious little life, those eyes... staring up at you. So full of love. Her mouth... puckered around your teat. I'm holding each and every one of you personally responsible for her. So when was the last time anyone actually saw Abbey?

Abbey: [In locker room] All this time, I've been searching for something - a connection. All those random guys... and cocks and all they did was make me feel even more empty inside. But with Laura, it's different. She... makes me feel complete.

Jess: So, that's the big mystery solved, then. You're a lesbian.

Abbey: Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a lesbian.

Rudy One: [Points at her] Well done! [Abbey salutes Rudy]

Finn: [Greg walks up in hallway] Oh!

Greg: Are you and the big guy... are you still involved? Romantically?

Finn: No. We never were. Never were.

Greg: You shouldn't give yourself up so easily.

Finn: Okay! Er...

Greg: [Breaks off a Kit Kat bar stick and offers it to Finn] What do you say?

Finn: Thank you. [Takes stick and eats it]

Laura: [Making out with Abbey and sees boyfriend walking down] Shit!

Abbey: Who's he?

Laura: Boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.

Abbey: Does he know about the ex bit?

Laura: Everything's happened so fast.

Rob: Where you been? Hm? Why aren't you answering your phone? Who's she?

Abbey: Hiya. I'm Abby, the lesbian. I'm her new girlfriend. You've been dumped.

Rob: What the fuck is going on? Since when were you a lesbian?

Laura: I'm not. I've never felt this way about a girl before.

Abbey: [To Laura] I love you. [To Rob] How weird is that? I love her.

Rob: [Grabs Laura by the wrist] You stupid bitch!

Laura: You're scaring me. [Abbey attacks Rob, knocking him to ground and punching him in the face repeatedly]

Rob: What the fuck?! [He runs away]

Abbey: You hurt her and I'll fucking kill you!

Prepubescent Laura: [Lying in bed terrified with a demonic claw reaching up] Scary's here. He's under the bed.

Prepubescent Laura: [Lying in bed to Abbey] Scary's coming for me. Don't be scared. I won't let him hurt you, I promise.

Laura: Abby? Are you all right?

Abbey: You must think I'm a total psycho. He was going to hurt you. You were scared. I had to protect you.

Laura: You made me feel safe. [Whispers] I liked it.

Abbey: [Performing cunilingus on Laura] Scary's coming.

Laura: Huh? What?

Abbey: [Brings head up] Scary's coming.

Laura: What? How d'you know about Scary?

Abbey: I... I'm having these flashbacks. There's this girl and she's holding your cuddly toy monkey. I think it's you. Who's Scary?

Laura: When I was a little girl, that's the name that I gave to the Bogeyman.

Abbey: There's another little girl. If I'm remembering it, it must be me, right? We must have been friends when we were little.

Laura: There's only one other person who knows about Scary.

Abbey: Yeah, it's me. I'm her.

Laura: You can't be. She didn't exist. She was my imaginary friend.

Abbey: What was her name? It was Abby, wasn't it?

Laura: What the fuck is going on?

Abbey: Were you in that... weird, freaky, mysterious storm? Um... I thought I was a lesbian with acute memory loss, but I think I might be your imaginary friend brought to life.

Laura: Er. You should probably stop going down on me.

Abbey: Yeah, yeah, right.

Abbey: I found out who I am. Guess what. I'm imaginary. [Rudy reaches over and feels Abbey's right breast]

Rudy Two: [On toilet with original next stall] What? So you find out she's imaginary and you squeeze her breast?

Rudy: Look, it just seemed like the only logical thing to do given the circumstances. I'm a creature of instinct, aren't I?

Rudy Two: What? So if in doubt, squeeze breast. Abby is confused and upset. And what's Jess supposed to think? Dude, you're touching up girls right in front of her.

Rudy: Shut up! Why would I? Why would I care what Jess thinks? 'Cause I fucking... I don't. I do not care, not even a little bit, so just... shush!

Rudy Two: Why can't you just admit you like her?

Rudy: For the love of God, can a ridiculously handsome man not do anything in peace? Eh?

Rudy Two: [Rudy Two walks over to Abbey lounging on rooftop with milk crate and sits] Hiya.

Abbey: If you've come to feel my tit, I'm not really in the mood.

Rudy Two: No, no, no, it's not... I'm... I'm the other one. I'm Rudy 2. Look. It's just that I remember when I was first created, you know, you have all these questions spinning round your head. You know, what's my place in the world? Am I a person in my own right? Will I ever find... true love, sort of thing?

Abbey: And what did you do?

Rudy Two: Rudy One told me to stop being such a vagina. Only he didn't say "vagina". I bottled everything up... and I thought I could fix it with... anxiety medication and sleeping pills and stuff. But then we found somewhere I could go and... [show her flyer] it's like a support group, you know, for people like us, me and you. People with powers, you know. And nobody judges you. We all just sit and listen, so... you can't tell Rudy One where I am, he thinks I'm doing the laundry. I do the service wash. But you should come. Or definitely think about it, you know.

Abbey: You're nice.

Rudy Two: Oh. [Pats her knee and walks away]

[Community servers are scraping off flypostings on a wall]

Jess: What's up with you?

Finn: I think the probation worker fancies me.

Rudy One: Oh, for God's sake, Finn, you monkey-faced prick, does he heck!

Finn: I'm serious. I... I think he's in love with me. You should see the way he looks at me with his... with his hungry eyes.

Alex: Was he looking at you like this? 'Cause this is me thinking that you're a little twat.

Finn: Am I? Well, he gave me a finger of his KitKat.

Rudy One: Oh, dear God!

Finn: Just snapped it off.

Rudy One: Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book, you douche.

Finn: You don't underst...

Rudy One: Come on. Really? You just... You take the finger of the KitKat, you insert it up your anus, you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that's good times. It was a more innocent time, I'll have you know, when children were allowed to be bloody children. Thank you very much, judgy.

Finn: I smelt it. And either the probation worker's arse smells of chocolate, or... it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.

Alex: So what did you do with it?

Finn: Ate it.

Alex: Oh, God!

Rudy One: Fuck me!

Abbey: [Rob answers front door] Ex-boyfriend, what are you doing here?

Rob: Laura asked me to come round. She don't wanna see you, all right? Just go.

Abbey: But she can't not see me. She created me.

Rob: I know who you are. She told me everything. Stay away from her.

Abbey: [Keeps door open with foot] What are you gonna do about that? [Rob shoves her and closes door] Laura...! You can't do this. I brought you a swingball. I love swingball. Laura! [Laura goes to bathroom and notices a figure behind shower curtain and swipes it aside] Hi.

Laura: What are you doing?

Abbey: I climbed in through the window. I was gonna wait until you had your wee. If it's a shit, I'll wait outside.

Laura: No, it's just a wee.

Abbey: Why don't you wanna see me?

Laura: You're not real.

Abbey: I am fucking real.

Laura: It's too weird.

Abbey: [Takes scissors and cuts her arm] See? I'm as real as you are.

Rob: [Knocks on bathroom door] Laura, who are you talking to?

Laura: You're crazy.

Abbey: I'm how you made me. You wanted me.

Rob: Laura, open the door.

Laura: I don't want you here.

Abbey: You made me.

Rob: [Shouts] Laura!

Laura: Just go... Go!

Abbey: If I don't have you, I don't have anybody. Please... [Rob forces way into washroom and grabs Abbey against wall]

Laura: Rob! No! Fuck off! [Pulls arm back and notices scissor slash] You cut me. You stay away from me.

Greg: [Appears in locker room] Hi.

Finn: Have you been drinking? Is that allowed?

Greg: It's the magic hour. I am no longer your probation worker. You are no longer on community service. [Walks to Finn with him walking backwards] We're just two people. With hopes. And dreams. [Starts singing The Power of Love (Frankie Goes to Hollywood song)]

Finn: [Greg following him in hallway] You've got it all wrong. I look gay. But I'm not.

Greg: Some would say dangerously boyish.

Finn: We are not lovers! There is no entwined, divine, divine!

Greg: [Follows Finn up stairs] Love is losing your job and your pension. Think. Think about that. [Pops open a shirt button]

Finn: What?

Greg: [Backs Finn against a wall] I am so full of love. I won't hide it any more. I can't. It's seeping out of me. [Leans into Finn] Out of my pores. It's... it's beautiful. It's pure. Smell my love.

Finn: Fuck off! [Uses power to send Greg flying over railing of upper floor in atrium, looks over] Are you okay? [Calls phone] Jess? It's me. I'm at the Community Centre. And there's a situation. So we're gonna need your car to move the situation. Call me.

Rudy One: [Walks in with Alex outstretched hand to Greg's body] What the...?! Finlay, what the fuck?! What've you done?! [Outstretches hands in dismay]

Finn: Nothing.

Alex: Did you kill the probation worker?!

Finn: No. And yes. It was self-defence. I told you he fancied me, but did yous listen? No! [Points] This is all on you!

Rudy One: What?!

Alex: No, it isn't!

Finn: Some of it's on you!

Alex: Not really.

Finn: A little bit!

Alex: No.

Alex: [Preparing to bury Greg whose body is in a wheelchair] Do you want to say a few words?

Finn: Er... thanks for the memories. [Dumps Greg's body into hole who groans awake with Rudy whacking Greg with shovel and falling back onto dirt heap] What are you doing?!

Rudy One: I'm fucking panicking, aren't I, Finn?!

Alex: Jesus! So you didn't check for a pulse, then?!

Finn: I'm not a doctor!

Rudy One: Dude, get in the fucking hole and check for a pulse!

Finn: [Jumps into hole then calls phone] Jess? I found the situation.

Jess: Where are you?

Finn: I'm sitting on the situation.

Jess: What situation are you talking about?

Finn: The probation worker situation.

Jess: The Abby situation. What's the probation worker situation?

Finn: He tried to fuck me. So I accidentally killed him. At least, I thought I'd killed him, but then Rudy hit him with a spade, so now... he might actually be dead. [Greg groans awake] No, he isn't! He's alive! He's alive again! What's the Abby situation?

Jess: She's taken an overdose.

Finn: Well, is she okay?

Jess: She's alive.

Finn: Right, good. Well, that's a start. Er...

Jess: You take care of that situation and we'll take care of this situation.

Finn: Okay, good, yeah. Yeah.

Jess: Er... Bye!

Finn: Bye. [Hangs up]

Jess: [Brings up Abbey] Okay. [Pokes Abbey's mouth who vomits]

Episode 4

Aged Rudy Two: [To Jess] Always liked you. It's raining. Your hair's so pretty... when it's wet. [Feels her hair]

Rudy One: Jesus Christ. The man's a fucking vegetable.

Finn: I tell you what's happened here. The storm. This will be something to do with the storm.

Alex: Really?

Finn: Yeah.

Alex: You think so?

Finn: Mm-hm.

Alex: Well, thanks for the heads-up, [[w:Miss Marple|Miss Marple.

Abbey: Maybe it's something to do with that superpower support group he's been going to.

Finn: So, what does he need with a support group, anyway?

Rudy One: Talking about your feelings, that's the first sign of weakness. You want to bottle that stuff up inside you, until it becomes one solid mass of anger and resentment. That's what my Uncle Peter did. Admittedly, he drank himself to death, but that's not the... point. [Answers phone] Hello?

Jess: He's hungry. Gammon and egg, and fish and... He wants gammon.

Rudy One: Well, I don't know. Get him some from a vending machine?

Jess:Okay, hurry up. You need to be the one dealing with this, not me.

Rudy One: Oh...

Abbey: [Holds up flyer to door] Guys, this is it.

Rudy One: [Walks up] Right.

Finn: What's the plan?

Rudy One: The plan is... we go in there and we ask 'em which one turned Rudy 2 into an old man.

Finn: Shit plan.

Rudy One: Is it?

Finn: If Rudy 2's a regular at this group, they're going to think you're him. Go undercover, pretend to be him and whoever did it'll be surprised to see you. They'll give themselves away.

Rudy One: [Snaps finger and points] That is genius. Here's what I need, right? I need a beard. I need some glasses. I need a pipe. I want a cloak. Get me a staff of some kind.

Finn: You need to look like Rudy 2, otherwise they're not gonna think you're him.

Rudy One: This guy, eight GCSEs. [Zips up jacket] Let's go undercover. [Walks down long stairs and opens door to warehouse]

Stuart: Rudy 2. How are you doing?

Rudy One: I would imagine you're... quite surprised to see me, guy.

Stuart: Not really. Um... you always come on a Tuesday.

Rudy One: Let's just say that old habits... die hard. Old... habits.

Finn: I'm Finn. [Shakes hands with Stuart]

Stuart: Nice to meet you. Hi.

Rudy One: Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just here for the biscuits.

Stuart: Cheers.

Rudy One: Finlay.

Finn: What was all that with the fucking milky nipples?

Rudy One: What was the plan, Finn? Can you remember it? The plan was, we don't tell anyone what our real powers are.

Finn: That was nothing to do with the plan.

Rudy One: Was it not?

Finn: No!

Rudy One: Now, listen to me, dude, seriously. Someone here knows something about Rudy 2. I suggest we just split up.

Finn: Yeah, I think we should just... [Rudy walks to support group circle] fuck off!

Stuart: So, what's your power?

Finn: Teleke...

Rudy One: Milky nipples.

Stuart: Hmm?

Rudy One: Milky nipples. 'Cause every time he tells a lie, he just expresses milk from his nipples. It's ridiculous, and he's very embarrassed about it. Now, you're going to have to excuse us, cos we do have other people we need to speak to. [Slaps Stuart on left shoulder and walks past him]

Abbey: Why is there a turtle by the biscuits?

Tim: He turns up every week. It's someone with a power.

Abbey: There's someone inside of there?

Tim: Yeah. His name's Mark.

Abbey: [Kneels down to Mark] All right, mate?

Stuart: You don't have to be embarrassed. About your, um, your power.

Finn: What about you? What's your power?

Stuart: Me? Ah... It's, uh, complicated. I don't really like to talk about it.

Finn: It's all right. You don't have to if you don't want to.

Stuart: The thing is other people make certain assumptions about my [clears throat] sexuality, and...

Finn: What, they think you're gay?

Stuart: Yeah, yeah, I guess they do.

Finn: And... Are you gay?

Stuart: No- [he disappears into thin air and then appears in a closet and walks out] Now you know.

Finn: Fuck off! You're... You're literally trapped in the closet? [Laughs] How funny is that?! [Stuart gives him a look] And also very serious and quietly poignant.

Stuart: Yeah.

Finn: Actually, I've got a friend who can take powers.

Stuart: How does he take powers? How does it work?

Finn: I'll let him fill you in on the details. Oh, you're gonna love him. His name's Alex. He's on community service.

Greg: [About old Rudy Two] Who the fuck might this be?! [To Rudy One] What's the matter? Cat got your tongue. [Screeches like a cat] Aren't you going to introduce us?

Rudy One: Shit, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me.

Jess: He's my granddad.

Greg: [To Rudy One] Men like this fought in wars. Cheek by jowl. Belly-down, crawling through the mud, the blood and fear and for what? Boys with hair straighteners. Girls in jeggings with their flabby arses hanging out! [To old Rudy Two] It was my very real privilege to have met you, sir. [Salutes him and leaves]

Abbey: [Holds up tortoise] Um... Alex, will you do me a quick favour? Will you fuck my tortoise?

Alex: Um... just give me a minute to think about... that. Er... actually, I don't need a full minute. It's a no.

Abbey: It's a man and his name's Mark. He's trapped in here and he can't get out.

Alex: That is really tragic.

Abbey: Mm.

Alex: But I'm still not fucking your tortoise.

Abbey: You have no idea, do you? I found out what my power is and it's totally useless. There's nothing I can do to help anyone. But you... you can make a difference. You're the only one out of us who can actually change people's lives. And what are you doing about it? Nothing. It's just sat there in your pants. Use your power, Alex. Help people. Be a superhero. Fuck the tortoise, Alex.

Rudy One: [Walks in with bundle of clothes for aged Rudy Two] Right! Here we go, look, clean clothes. You're gonna be beating 'em off with a shitty stick, you are. There you go. All right, let's get... [points to sweater of Rudy Two] what the frigging hell are you wearing?!

Aged Rudy Two: My jumper. Maggie made it for me.

Jess: He was cold. I found it under the sofa.

Rudy One: That's fucking me! That's me! I'm fucking flying! Look!

Jess: What are you talking about?

Rudy One: It's the future. That is me, that. I fucking knew... I knew it!

Jess: Oh, it's just a jumper.

Rudy One: This woman, she knits the future. That is us, look.

Jess: All right. How comes there's only four of us?

Rudy One: Well, she's had to miss Finn out, obviously. No one can knit that fucking small, can they?

Episode 5

Rudy One: You've cast a spell! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't shit. Without that [poking Jess' nose] popping into me head.

Jess: Well, I hate to mess up your well established routine of eating, sleeping, and shitting, so, do you want to meet up later and talk about it?

Rudy One: Yeah.

Jess: Okay. Well, it's a date.

Rudy One: Girl, you're a witch. You're a beautiful freakin' witch. You know that?

Jess: So, do you want to talk about what's going on with us?

Rudy One: Yeah, I do. Right, now, when it comes to Finley, there is no us. Honestly, I'll just deny I even know you. "Jess? Who's Jess? Is she that Chinese fellow with a bit of a limp?"

Jess: So, we can't just be honest about it?

Rudy One: Of course, we can be honest. We can be honest about it. That's my middle name. Rudy Honest Jeffrey Wade. [They both laugh] You go first.

Jess: I like you [Rudy pumps his fist], which is really weird because you can be such a total dick.

Rudy One: Hey, whoa. Well, I refute that. That's... That is refuted.

Jess: If you want to start seeing me, I'm not going to sneak around. We have to tell Finn.

Rudy One: Or we could just not tell him. Bingo.

Rudy One: [In locker room] Finlay? [Whispers] Check your messages. Might find a little... present there.

Finn: What is it?

Rudy One: Check it out. Enjoy.

Finn: God. Is she taking a shit?

Rudy One: She's taking the Mother Teresa of all shits, dude.

Finn: Her face is all contorted! What the fuck?

Finn: I know! It's enough to put you off her, isn't it? Ugh, I can't watch... oh, my God!

Rudy One: Consider yourself cured of your childish infatuation.

Jess: Why have you sent me a video of Jess taking a shit?

Rudy One: Eh?

Jess: Yeah, I got one of those, too. I thought it was one of those e-greeting cards.

Rudy One: Are you fucking kidding?

Jess: God.

Rudy One: Shit! [Runs out front door to lakeside promenade to Jess on her phone and knocks her phone sending it flying out of her hand into the lake] Morning! Good morning, Jessica!

Jess: What the fuck are you doing? That's my phone!

Rudy One: Yeah, I know. I've only gone and bloody liberated you. Freed you from the tyrannies of freakin' texting. You free now? Just take off your shackles. Get rid of 'em. Throw it in there. [in sing-song] Free Nelson Mandela, Shoes too small to fit these feet. [Speaking normally] He should have gone to Clarks. They do have a bit of a wider fit.

Jess: You're paying for a new phone.

Rudy One: What do you mean? You don't have insurance? Bloody hell. Well, some people might call that a bit irresponsible. You know what I mean? [Jess gives him a look] Not me, I think it's adorable. I call it adorable.

Jess: I call it not having a fucking phone. [Storms off]

Rudy One: Adorable! Fuck!

Rudy One: Oh, honestly, bloody hell! What a strange and unpredictable world we all bloody live in!

Alex: So how does this girl's power work?

Rudy One: Well, I don't know. Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers and freakin' insert yourself into people. I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man, and I for one will not let him be experimented on. Unless she's dressing him up, man, like one of them chimps in the PG Tips adverts, then colour me amused.

Episode 6

Jess: Has it happened before?

Rudy One: No.

Jess: No?

Rudy One: Once. It's happened once before. I was shagging a doctor. Well... well, by doctor, I mean the receptionist at the vet's. And so I bend her over the table in the treatment room and I've got fucking Peter staring at me with his sad, dead eyes. So...

Jess: Who's Peter? Was that the vet?

Rudy One: No, he was my bunny, Peter the rabbit. I was having him put down.

Jess: Oh.

Rudy One: And, honest to God, I abso... Fucking hell, I loved that rabbit. He had these massive big floppy ears. They felt like... honestly, it was like furry velvet on your skin.

Jess: So, you have him put down and then you slip it up the receptionist?

Rudy One: No, no, no, no, I couldn't slip it up the receptionist, because I was filled with this sort of... I don't know, like a bloody... overwhelming sense of love for Peter the rabbit. My dick was... honestly, as soft, floppy and as velvety as his frigging ears. It was a nightmare.

Jess: Mm.

Rudy One: Honestly. That's what it... that's what it is. Fuck me. That's what... that's what it is. It's because I love you.

Jess: You love me?

Rudy One: Yeah. I love you like I loved Peter Rabbit. And that's why my cock won't frigging work. I have a really sarcastic penis.

Jess: Do you mean you have an ironic penis? Is that what you mean?

Rudy One: What you on about?

Jess: The bend in it?

Rudy One: That's from when Saunders slammed it into a door.

Jess: What did Finn say, has he found out about us?

Rudy One: No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal.

Alex: Well look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?

Rudy One: Who's this fucking guy, man? Clever and handsome, it's unbelievable.

Episode 7

Rudy One: [After Rudy Two leaves] You know, this is your fucking fault, this is, eh. You're just filling his head with all these big ideas. He's going off being his own person, doing his own fucking thing. Do you know what you're doing? You're trying to spilt up the band. Me and him are the fucking Beatles, mate, and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.

Helen: Yoko Ono?

Rudy One: Yeah.

Helen: She's Japanese.

Rudy One: Is she?

Finn: You fuckin' lied to me!

Rudy One: Dude, I didn't, man. Technically that's inaccurate, cos I... I fuckin' offered to buy you a Bounty bar, for God's sake. I was telling you the truth. You just... you just... you didn't believe me, Finn.

Finn: And d'you know why? Because I didn't think you'd do that to me.

Rudy One: Come on, man. Don't be like this. Come to Uncle Rudy for a bit.

Finn: Don't think that you can just laugh it off. Fuck me over and then make a joke out of it. And you know what? I know you probably won't give a shit, because you've got Jess now. But as far as friendship goes, you and me, we're finished! Enjoy the fuckin' party! [Walks away]

Rudy One: Finn? [Kicks chair] Fuck! Fuck's sake.

Helen: I don't think they're coming.

Dark Rudy: They said they'd be here.

Helen: If they can't even be bothered to show up on time, they can both fuck off!

Sam: [Walks up behind] Nice!

Helen: [Turns around] Who are you?

Sam: I'm the one that you just told to fuck off.

Dark Rudy: Er, this is Helen. It's the one I was telling you about.

Sam: Congratulations, mate. She's a charmer.

Dark Rudy: We're just... We're just waiting on Karen now. She should be here any minute, running a bit late.

Karen: [Becomes reverses invisiblity sitting on a bench] I'm here.

Helen: Oh, my God! Have you been spying on us?

Karen: No, I just... I got here early. I didn't want people to see me hanging round on my own.

Helen: What did she say?

Karen: I wasn't spying on you.

Helen: I can't understand what she's saying.

Sam: She said she wasn't spying on you.

Dark Rudy: Er, Karen... [motions to Helen] do you want to tell them about your power?

Karen: I can blend into my surroundings. Hide in plain sight.

Helen: We'll have to sort out subtitles or something, cos I can't hear a word of it.

Dark Rudy: Let's... Come on, let's go and... let's go and have a drink, guys. [Walks away with Helen following] Do you want a drink? Come on, Karen.

Alex: [Walks out with Sarah sighing onto lakesides promenade] Relax. I am... I am not following you. I just came to get some air. Is that? Is that all right?

Sarah: Be my guest. [Alex walks up to her] Sorry about the other day. It's just this year has been... a fucking nightmare, the power thing. I had to stop seeing my dad. He just couldn't stop staring at them.

Alex: Oh, shit, mate! Oh, I didn't even think about that! Nobody needs their dad staring at their tits, do they?

Sarah: No.

Alex: D'you wanna go and get a drink?

Sarah: What kind of a drink? Like a date drink, or a drink drink?

Alex: Well, I was just thinking... a drink with alcohol in.

Karen: All right. But it isn't a date.

Sarah: All right, fine. It's not a date.

Maggie: [Walks up to Rudy One at a rave party in community centre] Rudy One or Rudy Two?

Rudy One: It's Rudy! It's just Rudy! I'm Ghostbusters, he's Ghostbusters II, and everybody knows Ghostbusters II was a right piece of shit!

Maggie: I quite liked it.

Rudy One: You fucking would, wouldn't you?

Maggie: Do you know ecstasy reverses your power? Whatever your power is, it makes it do the opposite.

Rudy One: That's a good fact. All right, stay off the pills, stick to the friggin' heroin, then. [Sees Jess[ Oh, fuck! Jess! [Gets up] Shit! [Throws ecstasy pill upwards which lands in Greg's hand who takes it]

Alex: My mate... he got turned into an agent of Satan and I had to fuck him in the arse.

Sarah: Oh, nice!

Alex: Yeah. Oh, and I almost, almost shagged a tortoise once.

Sarah: So, you do draw the line at shagging animals? Good to know.

Alex: Er, so, you, are you... seeing anyone... at the moment, or?

Sarah: Well, when I had my power, it was kinda hard to tell the good guys from the wankers and there have been a lot of wankers.

Alex: Yeah.

Sarah: [Unbuttons her sweater] Problem?

Alex: Oh, God! Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Er, it's just now that I know I'm not supposed to look at them... all I want to do is look at them. You know when you see a dead cat in the road and you don't want to look at it but then the more that you try and stop yourself, the more that you can't help it?

Sarah: Okay. Well, urn, how about I give you one free look, then? Seeing as you took my power.

Alex: That would... That would be great.

Sarah: Happy now?

Alex: Awesome. So shall I compliment you on them?

Sarah: Let's just leave the tits, shall we? [Gets her drink] Same again? [Walks away]

Alex: Hm. Hm...

Mark: [Walking alongside Abbey] So, this is what you're doing while I'm in your locker eating lettuce.

Abbey: More or less. [Enters locker room] No, let's check the, er... [sees Sarah in front of her, to Mark] Don't listen to her Latin, don't look at her tits. [To Sarah] Your devil tits don't work on me. I'm a girl.

Sarah: Guess I'm just gonna have to turn your boyfriend inside out, then. [Turns Mark into a skinless corpse] Now I've got your full attention... Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus...

Alex: [Appears behind Sarah] So this has been a pretty weird date. [She turns around] Not that it's a date.

Sarah: [Finn and Rudy enter] Leave him. He's mine. What's the matter, Alex? Don't you trust yourself? What's going to happen if you... have a little look? It's just a pair of tits. And you're one of the good guys, remember? You're not some weak, pathetic animal who's ruled by his urges.

Alex: There was a girl I used to know. Emma. She was like you. She was a good person who just got the wrong power. She was accident prone. Wasn't her fault. It was just bad things used to happen to her. I'm so sorry, Sarah. You didn't deserve any of this.

Sarah: Oh... I get it. I'm supposed to slip on the banana skin. Any other bright ideas? [Ceiling fluorescent light bar becomes disattached and comes down on her head] Agh!

Jess: [Rudy walks out on rooftop] Where the fuck have you been?! So is that what's gonna happen if we do have a baby?! You're just going to disappear and leave me to fend for myself?

Rudy: Fuckin' hell. I don't know.

Jess: You don't know?

Rudy: No!

Jess: That's great! That is very reassuring!

Rudy: Honestly. If you want someone who's going to be a good dad and look after this fucking baby then you've got the wrong Rudy 'cause I'm the shit one! Or don't you remember that?

Jess: What are you saying?

Rudy: I'm saying it's too fucking much, man. I can't... I just can't handle it. I'm sorry. [Walks away]

Jess: FUCK YOU! Fucking coward!

[Rudy is under a motorway flyover with Sam, Karen and Helen sitting after having buried Tim]

Karen: What the fuck have we done?

Rudy: Look... look, Tim was out of control... and we have done the right thing! It's the jumper and it has started and still none of you believe me. Well, this is... This is our destiny! [Puts out hand] Come on.

Sam: Why not? [Gets up and puts hand on Rudy's hand with Karen and Helen getting up putting their hands on the hand stack]

Rudy: We're getting a better name. We're gonna be unstoppable.

Episode 8

Greg: Do you know... What today is?

Abby: Tuesday?

Greg: Today... is the last day of your community service. It's all over.

Jess: Seriously?

Finn: Are you kidding?

Greg: Now you had a chance to do something positive. To give something back, to help people, to really make a difference to their lives. You've failed. Dismally. Do you want to know what the real tragedy is? This moment, right here, right now... this is as good as it gets for you.

Abby: I like the idea of being a nurse. Or a shepherd.

Alex: What qualifications do you need to be a shepherd?

Rudy: You need a crop. Well-trained border collie, and a profound love of sheep, love.

Alex: I'll tell you where I'm not gonna be in a year's time, and that is working behind a bar.

Rudy: I, for one, will be enjoying my life [pulls out a scratch card out of his pocket] as a multi-millionaire!

Rudy: [Walks in wearing pajamas] Do you know, what I was doing, when you so... rudely interrupted me?

Alex: I'm guessing it wasn't showering?

Rudy: I was 19. And a half hours into a Murder She Wrote marathon.

Finn: Jess is back.

Abby: Where is she?

Alex: She's in the shitter. She said something about some bloke who's thrown her forward through time. [Rudy is sobbing]

Finn: You okay?

Rudy: [Crying] I'm fine. I'm fine. So, the worm's returned, [moving his finger like a worm] with her fucking bushy tail between her legs. It's too late, guys. It's too late. Because I've forgot about her very existence. [Crying again] She's back! Jessica's back. Oh, man. [Collapses on the floor crying]

Alex: [Rudy still on the floor crying] Is he having a mental breakdown?

Jess: Rudy?

Rudy: Oh, Jess.

Jess: You look like shit.

Rudy: It's been a bit of a rough year. My vigorous grooming and personal hygiene regime might have... slipped, just a bit.

Sam: You're telling me the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never killed some ignorant fucker for dropping litter or shitting in the street? No, they didn't.

Rudy: Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael would never have done any of them things. They lived by a code!

Sam: Okay. Bad example.

Rudy: I deliberately pissed myself. [To Helen] You've just been killed by my weak infantile bladder.

Finn: Here's to the future.

Jess: Oh, about the future, I've just been.

Abby: Am I a shepherd?!

Jess: Erm... You are holding a golf sale sign, for a golf sale that doesn't exist. [Points at Alex] You're still working behind the bar. [Looks at Finn] And you are a trainee probation worker.

Finn: Fuck off!

Rudy: Honest- Shame on you, Finley! Deep humiliating shame. [Back to Jess] I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I? [she starts to speak] Got 'em! No, no, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise. Wink twice, for yes.

Jess: You win a quid, piss yourself and then you get electrocuted.

Rudy: Colour me disappointed.

Jess: I'm just saying, unless we want to spend the rest of our lives as these underachieving fuck-ups, then maybe we should think about actually doing something with our powers.

Abby: What you mean, like, open up a fast food restaurant?

Jess: No, I mean like becoming proper superheroes. Good ones that do good shit.

Alex: Superheroes, I'm up for that.

Rudy: I might have to make a few modifications. Just on me costume... just on account of me- I've got irritable bowel syndrome. And shitting in lycra is how I got banned from the gym.

Finn: No offence, but you lot... Superheroes? Fuck it! All right, yeah, let's do it.

Rudy: This could be the start of something huge. I can feel it in me nut sack.

External links

Misfits (TV series)/Season 5 quotes at the Internet Movie Database