NewsRadio (season 4)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main

NewsRadio is an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by NBC.

Jumper [4.1][edit]

Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.

Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?
Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.
Mike: So are scissors!!

Planbee [4.2][edit]

[on making the station more productive]
Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.
Andrea: Hi, everyone.
Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...
Andrea: Call me Andrea.
Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.

The Public Domain [4.3][edit]

Dave: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?
Bill: I'm working on an act.
Dave: I thought your whole life was an act.

Dave: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?
Joe: That's a secret.

Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4][edit]

Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?
Lisa: I broke into a library.
Beth: To vandalize it?
Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.
Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.
Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.

French Diplomacy [4.5][edit]

Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?

Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.

Pure Evil [4.6][edit]

Dave: [about Bill] Oh God, I have created a monster.
Catherine: No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.

Matthew: Why did we go to Hawaii together?
Lisa: That was a dream.
Matthew: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
Lisa: All right then. How was it?
Matthew: Not that good, actually.
Lisa: I'm sorry.

Catherine Moves On [4.7][edit]

Joe: Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.

Beth: Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.
Lisa: Does it work?
Beth: They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.

Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8][edit]

Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.
Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!

Mr. James: So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?
Lisa: If I have to, sir.
Mr. James: So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?
Lisa: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.
Mr. James: That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.

The Secret of Management [4.9][edit]

Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?
Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?
Cadbury: The master is correct.
Dave: You hired a butler?
Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".

Mr. James: See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.
Lisa: Guy stuff? I can do that.
Mr. James: No...
Lisa: Yes, I can, try me.
Mr. James: You think?
Lisa: Yes.
Mr. James: That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?

Look Who's Talking [4.10][edit]

Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!
Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?
Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!

Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.
Bill: Why not?
Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

Chock [4.11][edit]

Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."

Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."
Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?
Bill: Automotive sales.

Who's The Boss: Part 1 [4.12][edit]

Dave: When did you get the piano in here?
Bill: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.
Dave: Or Steve Allen.

Joe: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.
Mr. James: How much do they have now?
Joe: None.
Mr. James: So, I guess they just want some.
Joe: Yeah.
Mr. James: Will you fix my glasses?
Joe: Sure.
Mr. James: Nice doing business with you.

Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13][edit]

Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.

[Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]
Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.

Security Door [4.14][edit]

Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.
Dave: No, we don't.
Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?
Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.

Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony... you're all out to get me.

Big Brother [4.15][edit]

Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.
Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.

Bill: [to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?
Dave: He changes it every week.
Bill: Why do you do that?
Mr. James: Security.
Joe: Big Brother?
Mr. James: My whole damn family, actually.

Beep, Beep [4.16][edit]

Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.
Joe: You want me to kill him?
Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car, the investigation might not be that aggressive.

Bill: I took Lisa out to lunch.
Dave: Did you?
Bill: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.
Dave: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?
Bill: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.
Dave: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.
Bill: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.
Dave: Lisa is not "my woman".
Bill: And how!

Balloon [4.17][edit]

Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?
Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."

Bill: Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may?
Mr. James: Go ahead.
Bill: Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.
Mr. James: Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.

Copy Machine [4.18][edit]

Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.

Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!

Monster Rancher [4.19][edit]

Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?
Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?
Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.
Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?
Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.
Dave: [groans]
Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.

Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.
Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!
Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.
Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

4:20 [4.20][edit]

Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?
Bill: Yes.

Lisa: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?
Dave: Oh, that was different.
Lisa: Why?
Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.
Lisa: It was still flattering, wasn't it?
Dave: Oh, lord, yes.

Jackass Junior High [4.21][edit]

Lisa: I'm a woman, right?
Dave: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...

Mr. James: Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.
Dave: What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?

Sinking Ship [4.22][edit]

Dave: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
Matthew: Aw, gee whiz!
Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.
Matthew: Darn.
Dave: Matthew!
Matthew: Shucks!
Dave: Well, I never!

Bill: Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman!

Jimmy: Whoa! That's a big-ass old iceberg, isn't it?