NewsRadio (season 4)
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- Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.
- Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?
- Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
- Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.
- Mike: So are scissors!!
- [on making the station more productive]
- Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.
- Andrea: Hi, everyone.
- Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...
- Andrea: Call me Andrea.
- Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.
- Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.
The Public Domain [4.3]
- Dave: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?
- Bill: I'm working on an act.
- Dave: I thought your whole life was an act.
- Dave: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?
- Joe: That's a secret.
Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4]
- Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?
- Lisa: I broke into a library.
- Beth: To vandalize it?
- Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
- Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.
- Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.
- Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
- Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.
French Diplomacy [4.5]
- Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?
- Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.
Pure Evil [4.6]
- Dave: [about Bill] Oh God, I have created a monster.
- Catherine: No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.
- Matthew: Why did we go to Hawaii together?
- Lisa: That was a dream.
- Matthew: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
- Lisa: All right then. How was it?
- Matthew: Not that good, actually.
- Lisa: I'm sorry.
Catherine Moves On [4.7]
- Joe: Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.
- Beth: Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.
- Lisa: Does it work?
- Beth: They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.
Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8]
- Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.
- Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!
- Mr. James: So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?
- Lisa: If I have to, sir.
- Mr. James: So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?
- Lisa: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.
- Mr. James: That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.
The Secret of Management [4.9]
- Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?
- Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?
- Cadbury: The master is correct.
- Dave: You hired a butler?
- Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".
- Mr. James: See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.
- Lisa: Guy stuff? I can do that.
- Mr. James: No...
- Lisa: Yes, I can, try me.
- Mr. James: You think?
- Lisa: Yes.
- Mr. James: That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?
Look Who's Talking [4.10]
- Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!
- Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?
- Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!
- Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.
- Bill: Why not?
- Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.
- Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."
- Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."
- Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?
- Bill: Automotive sales.
Who's The Boss: Part 1 [4.12]
- Dave: When did you get the piano in here?
- Bill: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.
- Dave: Or Steve Allen.
- Joe: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.
- Mr. James: How much do they have now?
- Joe: None.
- Mr. James: So, I guess they just want some.
- Joe: Yeah.
- Mr. James: Will you fix my glasses?
- Joe: Sure.
- Mr. James: Nice doing business with you.
Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13]
- Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.
- [Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]
- Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
- Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
- Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.
Security Door [4.14]
- Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.
- Dave: No, we don't.
- Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
- Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
- Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?
- Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.
- Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony... you're all out to get me.
Big Brother [4.15]
- Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.
- Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.
- Bill: [to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?
- Dave: He changes it every week.
- Bill: Why do you do that?
- Mr. James: Security.
- Joe: Big Brother?
- Mr. James: My whole damn family, actually.
Beep, Beep [4.16]
- Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.
- Joe: You want me to kill him?
- Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car, the investigation might not be that aggressive.
- Bill: I took Lisa out to lunch.
- Dave: Did you?
- Bill: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.
- Dave: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?
- Bill: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.
- Dave: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.
- Bill: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.
- Dave: Lisa is not "my woman".
- Bill: And how!
- Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?
- Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."
- Bill: Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may?
- Mr. James: Go ahead.
- Bill: Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.
- Mr. James: Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.
Copy Machine [4.18]
- Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.
- Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!
Monster Rancher [4.19]
- Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?
- Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?
- Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.
- Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?
- Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.
- Dave: [groans]
- Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.
- Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.
- Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!
- Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.
- Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!
- Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?
- Bill: Yes.
- Lisa: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?
- Dave: Oh, that was different.
- Lisa: Why?
- Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.
- Lisa: It was still flattering, wasn't it?
- Dave: Oh, lord, yes.
Jackass Junior High [4.21]
- Lisa: I'm a woman, right?
- Dave: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...
- Mr. James: Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.
- Dave: What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?
Sinking Ship [4.22]
- Dave: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
- Matthew: Aw, gee whiz!
- Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.
- Matthew: Darn.
- Dave: Matthew!
- Matthew: Shucks!
- Dave: Well, I never!
- Bill: Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman!