NewsRadio (season 2)

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main

NewsRadio is an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by NBC.

No, This is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life [2.1][edit]

Lisa: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
[Long pause]
Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]
Beth: Bill, what do you think of this photo?
Bill: Who is that?
Beth: Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.
Bill: Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.
Beth: Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?
Bill: Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.
Beth: Thank you, Bill.
[Bill walks over to Matthew]
Bill: Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.

Goofy Ball [2.2][edit]

Lisa: Do you have another shirt?
Dave: Sure. Here you go. [hands Lisa a blue shirt]
Lisa: Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.
Dave: No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis.
Lisa: Can I have another shirt, please?
Dave: [pulls out a series of blue shirts] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue.
Lisa: Ever see Rain Man, Dave?

Mr. James: You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.
Lisa: Yes, I do sir.
Mr. James: What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.
Dave: You mean John Lennon.
Mr. James: No, people liked him. You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."
Dave: [confused] What... what branch of the service were you in sir?

Rat Funeral [2.3][edit]

Dave: But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?
Catherine: Oh, he's cute, Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.
Lisa, Beth: And Fig Newtons!
Dave: [faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

Bill: You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.
Dave: Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.
Bill: So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!

The Breakup [2.4][edit]

Catherine: If you ever broadcast my age over the air again I will beat you to death with your own microphone!
Bill: [laughing] You may be 36, but you still have all the spark and sass of a 35-year-old!

Mr. James: Hey, Dave.
Dave: Hey, Mr. James.
Mr. James: Something troubling you?
Dave: Yeah.
Mr. James: Work related?
Dave: No.
Mr. James: Girl?
Dave: Yeah.
Mr. James: Lisa?
Dave: Between you and me?
Mr. James: Yes.
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Problem?
Dave: Big fight.
Mr. James: Due to?
Dave: Argument.
Mr. James: Issue?
Dave: Temper.
Mr. James: Hers?
Dave: Mine.
Mr. James: Hit her?
Dave: No!
Mr. James: Throw something?
Dave: No.
Mr. James: Call her a name?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: What?
Dave: B-word.
Mr. James: Bitch?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Hot dog, now you're talkin'!

The Shrink [2.5][edit]

[Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]
Dave: Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?
Bill: Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.

Dave: I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. I can't tell you how excruciating and uncomfortable this day has been. I mean, what kind of professor sleeps with his sophomore students?
Dr. Frank: Well, I'm sorry, but I was going through a very strange time back then.
Dave: Oh, yeah? Wanna talk about it?
Dr. Frank: Not really.
Dave: Well, you know what they say, doc: let it out or sweat it out.
Dr. Frank: Well, I was dealing with a lot of issues.
Dave: What kind of issues?
Dr. Frank: [pause] Sexual addiction.
Dave: I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as "gettin' a lot"?
Dr. Frank: Similar. I was out of control, totally indiscriminate - students, faculty, men, women, it didn't matter. [pause] Boy, it feels good to talk about it!
Dave: Well, that's what I'm here for.
Dr. Frank: You're a good listener.
Dave: Thank you.
Dr. Frank: And you have nice hands.
Dave: Sorry?
Dr. Frank: Your hands. I noticed them earlier. They're quite beautiful.
Dave: You never really resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?
Dr. Frank: Not really.
Dave: Wanna talk about it?
Dr. Frank: [whimpering] Mmm-hmm.

Friends [2.6][edit]

Dave: She steal your high school sweetheart or something?
Beth: Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.

[Mr. James puts a heart shaped box in the paper shredder.]
Mr. James: Ahh, shreddin' a heart. If that's not a metaphor for... something, I don't know what is.

Bill's Autobiography [2.7][edit]

Bill: What's interesting about radio?
Dave: Well I think it's a fascinating medium.
Bill: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!

Lisa: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.
Bill: You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.

Negotiation [2.8][edit]

Lisa: Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.
Dave: You know, my mom does that too.
Lisa: Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?
Dave: No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

Mr. James: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?
Melanie: Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.
Mr. James: Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.
Melanie: As am I. What's your offer?
Mr. James: Single rich male seeks matrimony.
Melanie: Primary residence?
Mr. James: Westchester County.
Melanie: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan?
Mr. James: Central Park West?
Melanie: South.
Mr. James: Done. Time spent together.
Melanie: Eight hours, five days a week.
Mr. James: Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.
Melanie: Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.
Mr. James: I'm amenable to that. Children.
Melanie: One.
Mr. James: Three.
Melanie: Two.
Mr. James: Done. But one of them has to be a male.
Melanie: I'll see what I can do. Vacations.
Mr. James: December, Hawaii.
Melanie: June. The Vineyard.
Mr. James: June fine, but Hawaii.
Melanie: Nope, the Vineyard.
Mr. James: Is that a deal breaker for you?
Melanie: I'm afraid so.
Mr. James: Me too. Well, we gave it a shot.

The Cane [2.9][edit]

[Bill arrives at the office with a cane.]
Dave: Hi, Bill...something wrong with your leg?
Bill: Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.
Dave: If there's nothing wrong with your leg, then why the cane?
Bill: The what?
Dave: The cane. Your walking stick.
Bill: Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. What's the matter, Dave? Don't you like my cane?
Dave: Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?
Bill: You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?
Catherine: It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?
Bill: [laughing] You see, it's just like that saying: "Everybody loves a cane."
Dave: No, Bill, I believe the saying is "Everybody loves a clown", which is what you look like with that thing.
Bill: Ahh! You're jealous of her, aren't you?
Dave: No, Bill, I'm not jealous of her. It's just that it's such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.
Bill: Maybe. Or maybe I just like canes.

Matthew: [whispering] Dave.
Dave: Matthew, why are you whispering?
Matthew: Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.
Dave: Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh?
Matthew: Dave, please don't mock me.
Dave: It's very hard not to.

Xmas Story [2.10][edit]

Bill: I have a problem, can we talk in your office?
Dave: Sure.
Bill: Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.

[The Santa in the lobby has been threating to kill Bill]
Bill: Why are you doing this to me?
Santa: Do I have your complete attention, Bill McNeal?
Bill: Yes!
Santa: Good. [Takes off the Santa hat and beard] My name's Sam Belford. I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting. I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.
Bill: You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape?
Santa: Yes.
Bill: You're gonna go places in this business, son!

Station Sale [2.11][edit]

Lisa: Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.
Bill: [walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!
Lisa: Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.
Bill: Absolutely, I'm with you.
Lisa: Good.
Bill: All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.

Mr. James: It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?
Matthew: Nope. Cause we don't have to.
Mr. James: Why is that Matthew?
Matthew: Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!
Mr. James: Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.

Bitch Session [2.12][edit]

Dave: Any inappropriate expenditures will be deducted from your salary in the future.
Beth: That is going too far.
Dave: No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back is going too far.
Beth: That was radio-related business.
Dave: There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.
Beth: Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.
Dave: Well, I may go crazy and slash paychecks if I see another receipt like that.

Mr. James: Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.
Dave: I'm plenty thick-skinned.
Mr. James: Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...
[Mr. James puts his hand above a lit candle.]
Dave: Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.
Mr. James: You wanna know the secret?
Dave: Wild guess... thick skin?
Mr. James: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

In Through The Out Door [2.13][edit]

Bill: I hear you're opening for the great one.
Dave: Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?
Bill: Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.
Dave: Really?
Bill: Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something.
Dave: Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

Lisa: Are you nervous about that speech tonight?
Dave: No, I'm cool.
Lisa: You're cool?
Dave: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'.
Lisa: Well, word to your mother.

The Song Remains The Same [2.14][edit]

Dave: You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?
Matthew: It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

Dave: By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.
Lisa: How come Matthew's not going?
Dave: Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.
Lisa: And people say you're whipped.

Zoso [2.15][edit]

Mr. James: Negotiation Secret #7: The early bird...
Beth: Gets the worm?
Mr. James: No, gets the other bird's throat ripped out faster.

Beth: What was the saddest movie you ever saw?
Mr. James: Oh, Wall Street, where that guy loses all the money.

Houses of The Holy [2.16][edit]

Dave: So, Theo, you want to work in broadcasting?
Theo: Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.
Dave: What are you doing now?
Theo: I give motivational speeches for corporate events.

Dave: I'm sorry Joe, but I can't let you do this.
Joe: Okay.
Bill: Hang on there buddy. I know a diamond in the rough when I see one.
Dave: What are you talking about Bill? You look- You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him behind the microphone.
Bill: Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?
Dave: That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.
Bill: Don't try to confuse me with the facts. Joe, don't let this nattering nabob of negativity break your spirit.
Dave: Okay, enough fooling around.
Bill: All right. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Trying to reason with savages is thirsty business. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.
Dave: Joe, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.
Joe: That's okay man, I don't care.
Dave: All right. Great.
Joe: But you got to get somebody in here because we're back on the air in 15 seconds.
Dave: Right. Uh-
Joe: Bill just went to the break room.
Dave: Uh-
Joe: You gotta get something, I can cover it man. It's no big deal.
Dave: Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Joe: I just got one question. What's this mean, "You're listening to WYNNYX"?
Dave: That's WNYX, Joe.
Joe: I'm kidding. Relax.
Dave: All right, good luck.
Joe: No problem.

Beth: Theo makes me think he's doing one thing but he's really doing something else. He's just like every other guy I've dated except he uses props.

Physical Graffiti [2.17][edit]

Bill: Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."
Dave: ...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?
[A short while later]
Bill: Envy not that which not need be possessed.
Dave: Thanks, Bill.
Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.

Beth: You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitchcakes.
Lisa: Bitchcakes?
Beth: I just made that up. You think it's gonna catch on?
Mr. James: All right, come on you two. Geez, I don't know. It's like everybody's going absolutely bitchcakes here today.

Led Zeppelin [2.18][edit]

Bill: [Reading Dave's memo to Lisa] Oops!
Dave: What?
Bill: This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for.
Dave: Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."

Bill: Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me.
Dave: Why not?
Bill: Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.

Presence [2.19][edit]

Dave: Wait a minute, you carry your contract around?
Bill: At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it?
Mr. James: Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.
Bill: "Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God"--it doesn't say anything about--
Mr. James: Read your act of God, clause and clarification.
Bill: Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only [realization sets in] be referred to as God.
Dave: Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?

Bill: I know when I'm not wanted.
Catherine: Then why haven't you left before?

Mr. James: All right, you know the opponents...
Lisa: Check.
Mr. James: You know the odds...
Lisa: Check.
Mr. James: And you know the stakes.
Lisa: Check. Now, how do you play poker?

Coda [2.20][edit]

Bill: Let me tell you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving: give me my money back.

Bill: Hey, guy...
Dave: Bill, at least call him by his name.
Editor: My name is Guy.
Dave: [embarrassed pause] Hi, Guy.

Led Zeppelin II [2.21][edit]

Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.

[Joe interrupts a tryst between Dave and Lisa]
Joe: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Dave: It better be good and it better be fast!
Lisa: [to Dave] I was just about to say that.