NewsRadio (season 2)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main

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NewsRadio is an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by NBC.

No, This is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life [2.1]

Lisa: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?

[Long pause]

Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

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[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]

Beth: Bill, what do you think of this photo?

Bill: Who is that?

Beth: Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.

Bill: Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.

Beth: Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?

Bill: Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.

Beth: Thank you, Bill.

[Bill walks over to Matthew]

Bill: Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.

Goofy Ball [2.2]

Lisa: Do you have another shirt?

Dave: Sure. Here you go. [hands Lisa a blue shirt]

Lisa: Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.

Dave: No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis.

Lisa: Can I have another shirt, please?

Dave: [pulls out a series of blue shirts] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue.

Lisa: Ever see Rain Man, Dave?

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Mr. James: You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.

Lisa: Yes, I do sir.

Mr. James: What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.

Dave: You mean John Lennon.

Mr. James: No, people liked him. You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."

Dave: [confused] What... what branch of the service were you in sir?

Rat Funeral [2.3]

Dave: But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?

Catherine: Oh, he's cute, Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.

Lisa, Beth: And Fig Newtons!

Dave: [faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

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Bill: You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.

Dave: Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.

Bill: So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!

The Breakup [2.4]

Catherine: If you ever broadcast my age over the air again I will beat you to death with your own microphone!

Bill: [laughing] You may be 36, but you still have all the spark and sass of a 35-year-old!

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Mr. James: Hey, Dave.

Dave: Hey, Mr. James.

Mr. James: Something troubling you?

Dave: Yeah.

Mr. James: Work related?

Dave: No.

Mr. James: Girl?

Dave: Yeah.

Mr. James: Lisa?

Dave: Between you and me?

Mr. James: Yes.

Dave: Yes.

Mr. James: Problem?

Dave: Big fight.

Mr. James: Due to?

Dave: Argument.

Mr. James: Issue?

Dave: Temper.

Mr. James: Hers?

Dave: Mine.

Mr. James: Hit her?

Dave: No!

Mr. James: Throw something?

Dave: No.

Mr. James: Call her a name?

Dave: Yes.

Mr. James: What?

Dave: B-word.

Mr. James: Bitch?

Dave: Yes.

Mr. James: Hot dog, now you're talkin'!

The Shrink [2.5]

[Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]

Dave: Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?

Bill: Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.

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Dave: I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. I can't tell you how excruciating and uncomfortable this day has been. I mean, what kind of professor sleeps with his sophomore students?

Dr. Frank: Well, I'm sorry, but I was going through a very strange time back then.

Dave: Oh, yeah? Wanna talk about it?

Dr. Frank: Not really.

Dave: Well, you know what they say, doc: let it out or sweat it out.

Dr. Frank: Well, I was dealing with a lot of issues.

Dave: What kind of issues?

Dr. Frank: [pause] Sexual addiction.

Dave: I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as "gettin' a lot"?

Dr. Frank: Similar. I was out of control, totally indiscriminate - students, faculty, men, women, it didn't matter. [pause] Boy, it feels good to talk about it!

Dave: Well, that's what I'm here for.

Dr. Frank: You're a good listener.

Dave: Thank you.

Dr. Frank: And you have nice hands.

Dave: Sorry?

Dr. Frank: Your hands. I noticed them earlier. They're quite beautiful.

Dave: You never really resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?

Dr. Frank: Not really.

Dave: Wanna talk about it?

Dr. Frank: [whimpering] Mmm-hmm.

Friends [2.6]

Dave: She steal your high school sweetheart or something?

Beth: Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.

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[Mr. James puts a heart shaped box in the paper shredder.]

Mr. James: Ahh, shreddin' a heart. If that's not a metaphor for... something, I don't know what is.

Bill's Autobiography [2.7]

Bill: What's interesting about radio?

Dave: Well I think it's a fascinating medium.

Bill: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!

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Lisa: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.

Bill: You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.

Negotiation [2.8]

Lisa: Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.

Dave: You know, my mom does that too.

Lisa: Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?

Dave: No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

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Mr. James: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?

Melanie: Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.

Mr. James: Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.

Melanie: As am I. What's your offer?

Mr. James: Single rich male seeks matrimony.

Melanie: Primary residence?

Mr. James: Westchester County.

Melanie: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan?

Mr. James: Central Park West?

Melanie: South.

Mr. James: Done. Time spent together.

Melanie: Eight hours, five days a week.

Mr. James: Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.

Melanie: Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.

Mr. James: I'm amenable to that. Children.

Melanie: One.

Mr. James: Three.

Melanie: Two.

Mr. James: Done. But one of them has to be a male.

Melanie: I'll see what I can do. Vacations.

Mr. James: December, Hawaii.

Melanie: June. The Vineyard.

Mr. James: June fine, but Hawaii.

Melanie: Nope, the Vineyard.

Mr. James: Is that a deal breaker for you?

Melanie: I'm afraid so.

Mr. James: Me too. Well, we gave it a shot.

The Cane [2.9]

[Bill arrives at the office with a cane.]

Dave: Hi, Bill...something wrong with your leg?

Bill: Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.

Dave: If there's nothing wrong with your leg, then why the cane?

Bill: The what?

Dave: The cane. Your walking stick.

Bill: Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. What's the matter, Dave? Don't you like my cane?

Dave: Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?

Bill: You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?

Catherine: It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?

Bill: [laughing] You see, it's just like that saying: "Everybody loves a cane."

Dave: No, Bill, I believe the saying is "Everybody loves a clown", which is what you look like with that thing.

Bill: Ahh! You're jealous of her, aren't you?

Dave: No, Bill, I'm not jealous of her. It's just that it's such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.

Bill: Maybe. Or maybe I just like canes.

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Matthew: [whispering] Dave.

Dave: Matthew, why are you whispering?

Matthew: Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.

Dave: Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh?

Matthew: Dave, please don't mock me.

Dave: It's very hard not to.

Xmas Story [2.10]

Bill: I have a problem, can we talk in your office?

Dave: Sure.

Bill: Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.

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[The Santa in the lobby has been threating to kill Bill]

Bill: Why are you doing this to me?

Santa: Do I have your complete attention, Bill McNeal?

Bill: Yes!

Santa: Good. [Takes off the Santa hat and beard] My name's Sam Belford. I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting. I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.

Bill: You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape?

Santa: Yes.

Bill: You're gonna go places in this business, son!

Station Sale [2.11]

Lisa: Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.

Bill: [walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!

Lisa: Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.

Bill: Absolutely, I'm with you.

Lisa: Good.

Bill: All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.

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Mr. James: It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?

Matthew: Nope. Cause we don't have to.

Mr. James: Why is that Matthew?

Matthew: Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!

Mr. James: Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.

Bitch Session [2.12]

Dave: Any inappropriate expenditures will be deducted from your salary in the future.

Beth: That is going too far.

Dave: No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back is going too far.

Beth: That was radio-related business.

Dave: There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.

Beth: Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.

Dave: Well, I may go crazy and slash paychecks if I see another receipt like that.

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Mr. James: Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.

Dave: I'm plenty thick-skinned.

Mr. James: Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...

[Mr. James puts his hand above a lit candle.]

Dave: Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.

Mr. James: You wanna know the secret?

Dave: Wild guess... thick skin?

Mr. James: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

In Through The Out Door [2.13]

Bill: I hear you're opening for the great one.

Dave: Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?

Bill: Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.

Dave: Really?

Bill: Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something.

Dave: Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

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Lisa: Are you nervous about that speech tonight?

Dave: No, I'm cool.

Lisa: You're cool?

Dave: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'.

Lisa: Well, word to your mother.

The Song Remains The Same [2.14]

Dave: You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?

Matthew: It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

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Dave: By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.

Lisa: How come Matthew's not going?

Dave: Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.

Lisa: And people say you're whipped.

Zoso [2.15]

Mr. James: Negotiation Secret #7: The early bird...

Beth: Gets the worm?

Mr. James: No, gets the other bird's throat ripped out faster.

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Beth: What was the saddest movie you ever saw?

Mr. James: Oh, Wall Street, where that guy loses all the money.

Houses of The Holy [2.16]

Dave: So, Theo, you want to work in broadcasting?

Theo: Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.

Dave: What are you doing now?

Theo: I give motivational speeches for corporate events.

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Dave: I'm sorry Joe, but I can't let you do this.

Joe: Okay.

Bill: Hang on there buddy. I know a diamond in the rough when I see one.

Dave: What are you talking about Bill? You look- You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him behind the microphone.

Bill: Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?

Dave: That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.

Bill: Don't try to confuse me with the facts. Joe, don't let this nattering nabob of negativity break your spirit.

Dave: Okay, enough fooling around.

Bill: All right. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Trying to reason with savages is thirsty business. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.

Dave: Joe, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.

Joe: That's okay man, I don't care.

Dave: All right. Great.

Joe: But you got to get somebody in here because we're back on the air in 15 seconds.

Dave: Right. Uh-

Joe: Bill just went to the break room.

Dave: Uh-

Joe: You gotta get something, I can cover it man. It's no big deal.

Dave: Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Joe: I just got one question. What's this mean, "You're listening to WYNNYX"?

Dave: That's WNYX, Joe.

Joe: I'm kidding. Relax.

Dave: All right, good luck.

Joe: No problem.

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Beth: Theo makes me think he's doing one thing but he's really doing something else. He's just like every other guy I've dated except he uses props.

Physical Graffiti [2.17]

Bill: Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."

Dave: ...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?

[A short while later]

Bill: Envy not that which not need be possessed.

Dave: Thanks, Bill.

Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.

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Beth: You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitchcakes.

Lisa: Bitchcakes?

Beth: I just made that up. You think it's gonna catch on?

...

Mr. James: All right, come on you two. Geez, I don't know. It's like everybody's going absolutely bitchcakes here today.

Led Zeppelin [2.18]

Bill: [Reading Dave's memo to Lisa] Oops!

Dave: What?

Bill: This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for.

Dave: Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."

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Bill: Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me.

Dave: Why not?

Bill: Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.

Presence [2.19]

Dave: Wait a minute, you carry your contract around?

Bill: At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it?

Mr. James: Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.

Bill: "Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God"--it doesn't say anything about--

Mr. James: Read your act of God, clause and clarification.

Bill: Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only [realization sets in] be referred to as God.

Dave: Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?

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Bill: I know when I'm not wanted.

Catherine: Then why haven't you left before?

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Mr. James: All right, you know the opponents...

Lisa: Check.

Mr. James: You know the odds...

Lisa: Check.

Mr. James: And you know the stakes.

Lisa: Check. Now, how do you play poker?

Coda [2.20]

Bill: Let me tell you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving: give me my money back.

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Bill: Hey, guy...

Dave: Bill, at least call him by his name.

Editor: My name is Guy.

Dave: [embarrassed pause] Hi, Guy.

Led Zeppelin II [2.21]

Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.

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[Joe interrupts a tryst between Dave and Lisa]

Joe: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Dave: It better be good and it better be fast!

Lisa: [to Dave] I was just about to say that.