- 1 Season 1
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 No, This is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life [2.1]
- 2.2 Goofy Ball [2.2]
- 2.3 Rat Funeral [2.3]
- 2.4 The Breakup [2.4]
- 2.5 The Shrink [2.5]
- 2.6 Friends [2.6]
- 2.7 Bill's Autobiography [2.7]
- 2.8 Negotiation [2.8]
- 2.9 The Cane [2.9]
- 2.10 Xmas Story [2.10]
- 2.11 Station Sale [2.11]
- 2.12 Bitch Session [2.12]
- 2.13 In Through The Out Door [2.13]
- 2.14 The Song Remains The Same [2.14]
- 2.15 Zoso [2.15]
- 2.16 Houses of The Holy [2.16]
- 2.17 Physical Graffiti [2.17]
- 2.18 Led Zeppelin [2.18]
- 2.19 Presence [2.19]
- 2.20 Coda [2.20]
- 2.21 Led Zeppelin II [2.21]
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 President [3.1]
- 3.2 Review [3.2]
- 3.3 Massage Chair [3.3]
- 3.4 Arcade [3.4]
- 3.5 Halloween [3.5]
- 3.6 Awards Show [3.6]
- 3.7 Daydream [3.7]
- 3.8 Movie Star [3.8]
- 3.9 Stocks [3.9]
- 3.10 Christmas [3.10]
- 3.11 The Trainer [3.11]
- 3.12 Rap [3.12]
- 3.13 Led Zeppelin Boxed Set [3.13]
- 3.14 Complaint Box [3.14]
- 3.15 Rose Bowl [3.15]
- 3.16 Kids [3.16]
- 3.17 Airport [3.17]
- 3.18 Twins [3.18]
- 3.19 Office Feud [3.19]
- 3.20 Our Fiftieth Episode [3.20]
- 3.21 Sleeping [3.21]
- 3.22 The Real Deal [3.22]
- 3.23 Mistake [3.23]
- 3.24 Space [3.24]
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 Jumper [4.1]
- 4.2 Planbee [4.2]
- 4.3 The Public Domain [4.3]
- 4.4 Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4]
- 4.5 French Diplomacy [4.5]
- 4.6 Pure Evil [4.6]
- 4.7 Catherine Moves On [4.7]
- 4.8 Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8]
- 4.9 The Secret of Management [4.9]
- 4.10 Look Who's Talking [4.10]
- 4.11 Chock [4.11]
- 4.12 Who's The Boss: Part 1 [4.12]
- 4.13 Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13]
- 4.14 Security Door [4.14]
- 4.15 Big Brother [4.15]
- 4.16 Beep, Beep [4.16]
- 4.17 Balloon [4.17]
- 4.18 Copy Machine [4.18]
- 4.19 Monster Rancher [4.19]
- 4.20 4:20 [4.20]
- 4.21 Jackass Junior High [4.21]
- 4.22 Sinking Ship [4.22]
- 5 Season 5
- 5.1 Bill Moves On [5.1]
- 5.2 Meet the Max Lewis [5.2]
- 5.3 Lucky Burger [5.3]
- 5.4 Noise [5.4]
- 5.5 Flowers for Matthew [5.5]
- 5.6 Jail [5.6]
- 5.7 The Lam [5.7]
- 5.8 Clash of the Titans [5.8]
- 5.9 Boston [5.9]
- 5.10 Spooky Rapping Crypt [5.10]
- 5.11 Stinkbutt [5.11]
- 5.12 Apartment [5.12]
- 5.13 Towers [5.13]
- 5.14 Hair [5.14]
- 5.15 Assistant [5.15]
- 5.16 Wino [5.16]
- 5.17 Wedding [5.17]
- 5.18 Ploy [5.18]
- 5.19 Padded Suit [5.19]
- 5.20 Freaky Friday [5.20]
- 5.21 Retirement [5.21]
- 5.22 New Hampshire [5.22]
- 6 Cast
- 7 External links
Radio Station (Pilot) [1.1]
- Beth: Fire him as soon as he walks out that door.
- Dave: Excuse me?
- Beth: Fire him right here, right now, in front of everyone. Trust me, it will help you down the line. You're not exactly establishing yourself as an authority figure with the staff.
- Bill: She's right, you know.
- Beth: It's like, you know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so nobody will mess with you?
- Dave: I've never actually heard that before, Beth.
- Dave: Why? Because I'm the boss, Bill, that's why! That's why, Bill. And I will not be manipulated, I will not be contradicted, and I will not be intimidated!
- Bill: Well, I didn't realize you were a man of such strong conviction, of such deeply felt moral tenacity, of such remarkable centeredness...
- Dave: All right, Bill, I'm not going to be sucked-up to either.
- Bill: Well, you've eliminated all my options. All that's left is backstabbing.
- [Beth finds out that Dave and Lisa made out]
- Beth: Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!
- Dave: We're not talking about me any more, are we?
- Beth: No, we're not, Dave. We're talking about me now.
- Dave: You and, uh...
- Beth: The Fed-Ex guy.
- Dave: We don't use Fed-Ex.
- Beth: Not anymore.
- Mr. James: Boy, I love a good party. You love a good party, Joe?
- Joe: That's why I went to college, sir. That's also why I didn't graduate.
- Mr. James: Yeah, me neither. So what? Didn't stop me from building a million-dollar empire. Didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?
- Joe: I'm an electrician.
- Mr. James: Well, things were different in my day.
- Dave: I just had no idea that the Patch could have side effects.
- Bill: And I had no idea you're only supposed to wear one at a time.
- Dave: How many were you wearing?
- Bill: Fifteen, sixteen. I sort of stuck them all around my waist like a belt.
- Dave: Mr. James, I didn't see you come in.
- Mr. James: Yeah, that’s the way I like it. Like, uh, that magician guy. What’s his name?...
- Dave: David Copperfield?
- Mr. James: No.
- Dave: Siegfried?
- Mr. James: No.
- Dave: Roy?
- Mr. James: That's the one.
The Crisis [1.4]
- Dave: Listen up, everybody, this is what we're going to do.
- Bill: Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave.
- Dave: I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this.
- Bill: Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene. He asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel. They say no. He says okay. I go on the air every eight minutes and say "Still no news on that disabled train." Business as usual. Let's do it, people!
- Dave: Actually, Bill, if I might, I'd like to try something a little different this time, okay?
- Bill: Okay, how about this? Send reporter, transit police, tunnel-no-okay, me on air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah. Let's do it, people!
- Dave: I made a small error in judgment.
- Mr. James: A small error in judgment... What exactly would that be, Dave? Would that be Matthew's desk, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa or the second dinner with Lisa?
- Dave: Okay, I may have made three or four small errors in judgment.
- Mr. James: No, they weren't errors, Dave. They were decisions and that's your job. No, the only error I see is that you're letting your people push you around and make you second-guess your decisions.
- Dave: Of course, you're right.
- Mr. James: And now you're letting me do it. Want my advice?
- Dave: Yes.
- Mr. James: Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.
Big Day [1.5]
- [Matthew is worried he's going to get "The Shaft" - a bonus of zero dollars.]
- Bill: Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?
- Joe: Bill, I think that would be Shaft.
- [Matthew notices and looks up.]
- Bill: And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?
- Joe: Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.
- Bill: Damn right.
- Joe: You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-
- Matthew: Shut up, you guys!
- Mr. James: [entering] Hey, what's goin' on?
- Bill: We're just talking about Shaft.
- Mr. James: I can dig it.
- Beth: Okay, now I assume you're giving Lisa the Big Bonus, right? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?
- Dave: No, no I am not. I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesn't mean I'm going to give her the Big Bonus.
- Beth: Oooh. You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain she's getting the big bonus, don't you, Dave?
- Dave: Oh?
- Beth: Yeah.
- Dave: Oh... Okay, Beth, would you get Lisa for me?
- Beth: [yelling] Lisa, Dave wants you! [to Dave] You're not going to give her The Shaft, are you, Dave? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?
- Dave: Good God, Beth. Were you raised by truckers?
Luncheon at the Waldorf [1.6]
- Dave: Sir, it's about the budget.
- Mr. James: The budget? Don't I pay someone else to think about that?
- Dave: That would be me.
- Mr. James: Well, then, why am I thinking about it? You know, you're not giving me much bang for my buck here, Dave.
- Dave: All right, look, Beth. I know you've had a rough day, I know this has been very hard on you, and I know you've heard this before; but I'm gonna say it again because it's important, all right? You do not have to subscribe in order to be eligible for the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes.
- Beth: You are so naive, Dave.
Sweeps Week [1.7]
- Bill: Do you have a special lady in your life?
- Dave: No.
- Bill: I'm sorry, that was presumptuous of me. Do you have a special person in your life?
- [Catherine interviews Tom P. Baxter, "business visionary"]
- Catherine: I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.
- Tom: Yeah, I do. As I see it, Catherine, the future of business, well, the future of this country in fact is... computers.
- Catherine: Computers. Okay, would you care to elaborate on that?
- Tom: Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games. They're, well, they're like magic.
- Catherine: Uh-huh...
- Tom: I mean, I don't have one yet. But I'm gonna get one, you better believe that.
- Catherine: What exactly do you do for a living, Tom?
- Tom: Well, I'm between things right now, but all that's gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!
No, This is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life [2.1]
- Lisa: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
- [Long pause]
- Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...
- [Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]
- Beth: Bill, what do you think of this photo?
- Bill: Who is that?
- Beth: Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.
- Bill: Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.
- Beth: Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?
- Bill: Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.
- Beth: Thank you, Bill.
- [Bill walks over to Matthew]
- Bill: Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.
Goofy Ball [2.2]
- Mr. James: You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.
- Lisa: Yes, I do sir.
- Mr. James: What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.
- Dave: You mean John Lennon.
- Mr. James: No, people liked him.
- Mr. James: You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."
- Dave: [confused] What... what branch of the service were you in sir?
Rat Funeral [2.3]
- Dave: But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?
- Catherine: Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.
- Lisa, Beth: And Fig Newtons!
- Dave: [faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?
- Bill: You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.
- Dave: Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.
- Bill: So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!
The Breakup [2.4]
- Catherine: If you ever broadcast my age over the air again I will beat you to death with your own microphone!
- Bill: [laughing] You may be 36, but you still have all the spark and sass of a 35 year old!
- Mr. James: Hey Dave.
- Dave: Hey Mr. James.
- Mr. James: Something troubling you?
- Dave: Yeah.
- Mr. James: Work related?
- Dave: No.
- Mr. James: Girl?
- Dave: Yeah.
- Mr. James: Lisa?
- Dave: Between you and me?
- Mr. James: Yes.
- Dave: Yes.
- Mr. James: Problem?
- Dave: Big fight.
- Mr. James: Due to?
- Dave: Argument.
- Mr. James: Issue?
- Dave: Temper.
- Mr. James: Hers?
- Dave: Mine.
- Mr. James: Hit her?
- Dave: No!
- Mr. James: Throw something?
- Dave: No.
- Mr. James: Call her a name?
- Dave: Yes.
- Mr. James: What?
- Dave: B-word.
- Mr. James: Bitch?
- Dave: Yes.
- Mr. James: Hot dog, now you're talkin'!
The Shrink [2.5]
- [Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]
- Dave: Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?
- Bill: Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.
- Dave: I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. I can't tell you how excruciating that was. I mean, what kind of man sleeps with his sophomore students?
- Dr. Frank: Hey, I was dealing with a lot of issues back then!
- Dave: Oh, yeah? Wanna talk about it?
- Dr. Frank: Not really.
- Dave: Well, you know what they say, doc: let it out or sweat it out.
- Dr. Frank: Well, I was dealing with... sexual addiction.
- Dave: I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as "gettin' a lot"?
- Dr. Frank: It's similar. I was out of control, totally indiscriminate - students, faculty, men, women, it didn't matter. [pause] Boy, it feels good to talk about it!
- Dave: Well, that's what I'm here for.
- Dr. Frank: You're a good listener... and you have nice hands.
- Dave: Sorry?
- Dr. Frank: Your hands. I noticed them earlier. They're quite beautiful.
- Dave: You never really resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?
- Dr. Frank: Not really.
- Dave: Wanna talk about it?
- Dr. Frank: [whimpering] Mmm-hmm.
- Dave: She steal your high school sweetheart or something?
- Beth: Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.
- [Mr. James puts a heart shaped box in the paper shredder.]
- Mr. James: Ahh, shreddin' a heart. If that's not a metaphor for... something, I don't know what is.
Bill's Autobiography [2.7]
- Bill: What's interesting about radio?
- Dave: Well I think it's a fascinating medium.
- Bill: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!
- Lisa: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.
- Bill: You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.
- Lisa: Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.
- Dave: You know my mom does that too.
- Lisa: Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?
- Dave: No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!
- Mr. James: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?
- Melanie: Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.
- Mr. James: Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.
- Melanie: As am I. What's your offer?
- Mr. James: Single rich male seeks matrimony.
- Melanie: Primary residence?
- Mr. James: Westchester County.
- Melanie: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan?
- Mr. James: Central Park West?
- Melanie: South.
- Mr. James: Done. Time spent together.
- Melanie: Eight hours, five days a week.
- Mr. James: Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.
- Melanie: Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.
- Mr. James: I'm amenable to that. Children.
- Melanie: One.
- Mr. James: Three.
- Melanie: Two.
- Mr. James: Done. But one of them has to be a male.
- Melanie: I'll see what I can do. Vacations.
- Mr. James: December, Hawaii.
- Melanie: June. The Vineyard.
- Mr. James: June fine, but Hawaii.
- Melanie: Nope, the Vineyard.
- Mr. James: Is that a deal breaker for you?
- Melanie: I'm afraid so.
- Mr. James: Me too. Well we gave it a shot.
The Cane [2.9]
- [Bill arrives at the office with a cane.]
- Dave: Hi, Bill...something wrong with your leg?
- Bill: Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.
- Dave: If there's nothing wrong with your leg, then why the cane?
- Bill: The what?
- Dave: The cane. Your walking stick.
- Bill: Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. What's the matter, Dave? Don't you like my cane?
- Dave: Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?
- Bill: You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?
- Catherine: It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?
- Bill: [laughing] You see, it's just like that saying: "Everybody loves a cane."
- Dave: No, Bill, I believe the saying is "Everybody loves a clown", which is what you look like with that thing.
- Bill: Ahh! You're jealous of her, aren't you?
- Dave: No, Bill, I'm not jealous of her. It's just that it's such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.
- Bill: Maybe. Or maybe I just like canes.
- Matthew: [whispering] Dave.
- Dave: Matthew, why are you whispering?
- Matthew: Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.
- Dave: Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh?
- Matthew: Dave, please don't mock me.
- Dave: It's very hard not to.
Xmas Story [2.10]
- Bill: I have a problem, can we talk in your office?
- Dave: Sure.
- Bill: Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.
- [The Santa in the lobby has been threating to kill Bill]
- Bill: Why are you doing this to me?
- Santa: Do I have your complete attention, Bill McNeal?
- Bill: Yes!
- Santa: Good. [Takes off the Santa hat and beard] My name's Sam Belford. I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting. I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.
- Bill: You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape?
- Santa: Yes.
- Bill: You're gonna go places in this business, son!
Station Sale [2.11]
- Lisa: Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.
- Bill: [walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!
- Lisa: Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.
- Bill: Absolutely, I'm with you.
- Lisa: Good.
- Bill: All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.
- Mr. James: It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?
- Matthew: Nope. Cause we don't have to.
- Mr. James: Why is that Matthew?
- Matthew: Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!
- Mr. James: Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.
Bitch Session [2.12]
- Dave: Any inappropriate expenditures will be deducted from your salary in the future.
- Beth: That is going too far.
- Dave: No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back is going too far.
- Beth: That was radio-related business.
- Dave: There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.
- Beth: Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.
- Dave: Well I may go crazy and slash paychecks if I see another receipt like that.
- Mr. James: Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.
- Dave: I'm plenty thick-skinned.
- Mr. James: Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...
- [Mr. James puts his hand above a lit candle.]
- Dave: Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.
- Mr. James: You wanna know the secret?
- Dave: Wild guess... thick skin?
- Mr. James: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.
In Through The Out Door [2.13]
- Bill: I hear you're opening for the great one.
- Dave: Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?
- Bill: Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.
- Dave: Really?
- Bill: Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something.
- Dave: Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.
- Lisa: Are you nervous about that speech tonight?
- Dave: No, I'm cool.
- Lisa: You're cool?
- Dave: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'.
- Lisa: Well, word to your mother.
The Song Remains The Same [2.14]
- Dave: You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?
- Matthew: It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.
- Dave: By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.
- Lisa: How come Matthew's not going?
- Dave: Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.
- Lisa: And people say you're whipped.
- Mr. James: Negotiation Secret #7: The early bird...
- Beth: Gets the worm?
- Mr. James: No, gets the other bird's throat ripped out faster.
- Beth: What was the saddest movie you ever saw?
- Mr. James: Oh, Wall Street, where that guy loses all the money.
Houses of The Holy [2.16]
- Dave: So, Theo, you want to work in broadcasting?
- Theo: Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.
- Dave: What are you doing now?
- Theo: I give motivational speeches for corporate events.
- Beth: Theo makes me think he's doing one thing but he's really doing something else. He's just like every other guy I've dated except he uses props.
Physical Graffiti [2.17]
- Bill: Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."
- Dave: ...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?
- [A short while later]
- Bill: Envy not that which not need be possessed.
- Dave: Thanks, Bill.
- Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.
- Beth: You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitchcakes.
- Lisa: Bitchcakes?
- Beth: I just made that up. You think it's gonna catch on?
- Mr. James: All right, come on you two. Geez, I don't know. It's like everybody's going absolutely bitchcakes here today.
Led Zeppelin [2.18]
- Bill: [Reading Dave's memo to Lisa] Oops!
- Dave: What?
- Bill: This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for.
- Dave: Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."
- Bill: Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me.
- Dave: Why not?
- Bill: Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.
- Bill: I know when I'm not wanted.
- Catherine: Then why haven't you left before?
- Mr. James: All right, you know the opponents...
- Lisa: Check.
- Mr. James: You know the odds...
- Lisa: Check.
- Mr. James: And you know the stakes.
- Lisa: Check. Now, how do you play poker?
- Bill: Let me tell you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving: give me my money back.
- Bill: Hey, guy...
- Dave: Bill, at least call him by his name.
- Editor: My name is Guy.
- Dave: [embarrassed pause] Hi, Guy.
Led Zeppelin II [2.21]
- Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.
- Joe: Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Dave: It better be good and it better be fast!
- Lisa: I was just about to say that.
- Mr. James: I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
- [Lisa is planning to expose Mr. James]
- Dave: All right, well, let's not go overboard. Let's try to remember that, at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.
- Lisa: Yes, they're all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.
- Mr. James: Bill seems happy with 'adequate.'
- Catherine: Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a compliment from the gods!
- Beth: That must be so demeaning, just getting coffee for people all day... Wait a minute...
Massage Chair [3.3]
- Mr. James: If I increased the budget every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving around solid gold Cadillacs by now.
- Mr. James: You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?
- Dave: "Under Siege"?
- Mr. James: No.
- Dave: "Under Siege 2"?
- Mr. James: No.
- Dave: "Under Siege 3"?
- Mr. James: That's the one.
- Lisa: I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".
- Mr. James: Hey, I can dream, can't I?
- Dave: Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
- Bill: No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
- Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
- Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
- Dave: No it hasn't.
- Bill: Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!
- Dave: You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?
- Bill: Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?
- Dave: Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.
- Bill: I did!
- Bill: They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
- Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
- Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
- Matthew: I took third place in the costume contest last year.
- Dave: Really? What was your costume?
- Matthew: Motorcycle enthusiast.
- Joe: Gay biker.
- Lisa: The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.
- Dave: What?
- Lisa: You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.
- Dave: No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.
Awards Show [3.6]
- Bill: And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose, because we are all going to lose in every possible category.
- Beth: So what do you do, keep all your money in a shoebox under your bed?
- Joe: Like I'd tell you where I keep my shoebox.
- Dave: Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?
- Joe: I am a specialist.
- Dave: At what?
- Joe: At everything.
- Mr. James: You've never seen a scary movie?
- Beth: Yeah. My parents let me watch the Wizard of Oz when I was six and it gave me nightmares for years.
- Dave: Oh, right, the Wicked Witch.
- Beth: No, Dorothy.
Movie Star [3.8]
- Bill: Mr. Caan!
- James Caan: My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.
- Bill: Likewise.
- James Caan: I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.
- Bill: It is. Easy mistake to make.
- Bill: You know, the forces of good and evil are constantly at war for my soul.
- James Caan: Yeah, well, that'll happen.
- Matthew: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.
- Dave: I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.
- Matthew: Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
- Dave: Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.
- Beth: Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?
- Mr. James: Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.
- Lisa: It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?
- Dave: Then I will just tell them that you're a whore that I picked up at the airport.
- Joe: There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.
- Dave: Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.
The Trainer [3.11]
- Lisa: You're Canadian?
- Mr. James: I am?
- Lisa: Not you, sir. Him.
- Mr. James: Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?
- Dave: Yeah.
- Lisa: Then what is this all about?
- Dave: What's what all ab- uh... What's what?
- Lisa: You're afraid to say it, aren't you.
- Dave: No.
- Lisa: Yes, you are.
- Dave: No.
- Lisa: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".
- Dave: No.
- Lisa: Say it.
- Dave: No.
- Lisa: Say "out".
- Dave: No.
- Lisa: House. Couch.
- Dave: Your honor, I plead the fifth.
- Lisa: I don't know if you have that right.
- Dave: I do too, eh!
- [stunned silence]
- Mr. James: Oh my God.
- Dave: Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.
- Bill: It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.
- Mr. James: And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.
Led Zeppelin Boxed Set [3.13]
- Bill: Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter".
- Bill: You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.
Complaint Box [3.14]
- [Reading cards from the complaint box]
- Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
- Joe: Hey.
- Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
- Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
- Dave: Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
- [continues reading the complaint cards]
- Dave: Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
- Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe: SHAFT.
- Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.
- Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.
- Bill: The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.
- Dave: Soul.
- Bill: For those who have one, yes.
Rose Bowl [3.15]
- Dave: Matthew, Bill is not a god.
- Matthew: Time will tell.
- Judge: Is this your counsul?
- Joe: Yes, your honor. [conspiratorially] The Master Builder waits at the pyramids.
- Judge: I beg your pardon?
- Joe: I bet you do.
- Dave: Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?
- Joe: Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!
- Joe: Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?
- Bill: Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-
- Dave: Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.
- Bill: Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.
- Dave: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"
- Bill: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"
- Dave: Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?
- Bill: Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"
- Andrew: Dude, we're still brothers. It's just that we're not twins. And biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers, either.
- Matthew: But we look so much alike.
- Andrew: No we don't. I'm three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. I'm Jewish! How old are you?
- Matthew: Twenty-eight.
- Andrew: And how old am I?
- Matthew: Twenty-nine. But I just thought it was because you came out first.
- Dave: Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station?
- Bill: Greed.
- Dave: And what has that greed gotten you?
- Bill: Money.
- Dave: And what has that money gotten you?
- Bill: Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!
Office Feud [3.19]
- Mr. James: [about the word "non-profit"] It's an oxymoron.
- Dave: You mean like military intelligence.
- Mr. James: Yeah, or Swiss cheese.
- Bill: [looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.
- Dave: Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.
- Bill: Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.
Our Fiftieth Episode [3.20]
- Bill: I'll tell you what I'm high on...freedom!
- Catherine: Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.
- Bill: And I've never felt freer.
- Dave: Bill, these people are insane.
- Bill: Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?
- Dave: [to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."
- Dave: Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?
- Bill: In real life? No.
- Dave: What do you mean, in real life?
- Bill: On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.
- Dave: You do news, traffic, and weather.
- Bill: But I mean it.
The Real Deal [3.22]
- Dave: According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.
- Joe: There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.
- Brent: I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they tried a little harder.
- Joe: Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.
- Catherine: [reading the news] Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star killing thousands. The Rebel Alliance, a fringe group of Anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Fortunately Lord Vader escaped without harm. Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.
- Joe: No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.
- Beth: So what's wrong with it?
- Joe: I can't seem to find any wires.
- Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.
- Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?
- Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
- Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.
- Mike: So are scissors!!
- [on making the station more productive]
- Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.
- Andrea: Hi, everyone.
- Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...
- Andrea: Call me Andrea.
- Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.
- Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.
The Public Domain [4.3]
- Dave: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?
- Bill: I'm working on an act.
- Dave: I thought your whole life was an act.
- Dave: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?
- Joe: That's a secret.
Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4]
- Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?
- Lisa: I broke into a library.
- Beth: To vandalize it?
- Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
- Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.
- Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.
- Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
- Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.
French Diplomacy [4.5]
- Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?
- Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.
Pure Evil [4.6]
- Dave: Hear me well! As of today a new Dave is born. A Dave who for lack of better words is...pure evil.
- Matthew: Why did we go to Hawaii together?
- Lisa: That was a dream.
- Matthew: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
- Lisa: All right then. How was it?
- Matthew: Not that good, actually.
- Lisa: I'm sorry.
Catherine Moves On [4.7]
- Joe: Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.
- Beth: Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.
- Lisa: Does it work?
- Beth: They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.
Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8]
- Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.
- Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!
- Mr. James: So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?
- Lisa: If I have to, sir.
- Mr. James: So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?
- Lisa: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.
- Mr. James: That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.
The Secret of Management [4.9]
- Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?
- Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?
- Cadbury: The master is correct.
- Dave: You hired a butler?
- Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".
- Mr. James: See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.
- Lisa: Guy stuff? I can do that.
- Mr. James: No...
- Lisa: Yes, I can, try me.
- Mr. James: You think?
- Lisa: Yes.
- Mr. James: That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?
Look Who's Talking [4.10]
- Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!
- Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?
- Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!
- Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.
- Bill: Why not?
- Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.
- Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."
- Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."
- Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?
- Bill: Automotive sales.
Who's The Boss: Part 1 [4.12]
- Dave: When did you get the piano in here?
- Bill: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.
- Dave: Or Steve Allen.
- Joe: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.
- Mr. James: How much do they have now?
- Joe: None.
- Mr. James: So, I guess they just want some.
- Joe: Yeah.
- Mr. James: Will you fix my glasses?
- Joe: Sure.
- Mr. James: Nice doing business with you.
Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13]
- Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.
- [Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]
- Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
- Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
- Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.
Security Door [4.14]
- Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.
- Dave: No, we don't.
- Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
- Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
- Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?
- Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.
- Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony...you're all out to get me.
Big Brother [4.15]
- Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.
- Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.
- Bill: [to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?
- Dave: He changes it every week.
- Bill: Why do you do that?
- Mr. James: Security.
- Joe: Big Brother?
- Mr. James: My whole damn family, actually.
Beep, Beep [4.16]
- Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.
- Joe: You want me to kill him?
- Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.
- Bill: I took Lisa out to lunch.
- Dave: Did you?
- Bill: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.
- Dave: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?
- Bill: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.
- Dave: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.
- Bill: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.
- Dave: Lisa is not "my woman".
- Bill: And how!
- Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?
- Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."
- Bill: Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may?
- Mr. James: Go ahead.
- Bill: Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.
- Mr. James: Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.
Copy Machine [4.18]
- Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.
- Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!
Monster Rancher [4.19]
- Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?
- Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?
- Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.
- Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?
- Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.
- Dave: [groans]
- Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.
- Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.
- Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!
- Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.
- Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!
- Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?
- Bill: Yes.
- Lisa: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?
- Dave: Oh, that was different.
- Lisa: Why?
- Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.
- Lisa: It was still flattering, wasn't it?
- Dave: Oh, lord, yes.
Jackass Junior High [4.21]
- Lisa: I'm a woman, right?
- Dave: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...
- Mr. James: Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.
- Dave: What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?
Sinking Ship [4.22]
- Dave: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
- Matthew: Aw, gee whiz!
- Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.
- Matthew: Darn.
- Dave: Matthew!
- Matthew: Shucks!
- Dave: Well, I never!
- Bill: Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman!
Bill Moves On [5.1]
- Mr. James: Seriously, Dave. If that eulogy went on a minute longer it would have been yours.
- Dave: [reading Bill's letter] "Dear everyone, if Dave is reading this to you, I have either been fired or I have passed away. Since my formidable talent would preclude the former, I'll have to assume that the latter is true. Someone please explain that one to Matthew later."
- Matthew: I don't get it.
- Joe: I'll explain it to you later.
- Dave: Thanks. He continues: "I know this is strange, but I just want to make sure my final wishes are observed. Wish number one—I wish I weren't dead. Jimmy, get your best people on this one, if you would. [Mr. James pulls out his phone.] Ha ha, just kidding. Attached please find envelopes containing personal notes for everyone. Please have them distributed to the appropriate parties. [Matthew takes the notes and passes them out.] Matthew seems like the ablest man for this very challenging task. [Everyone straightens out the mixed-up letters.]
- Matthew: Why don't we read them out loud? Beth, you start.
- Beth: "Dear Beth, I am sorry about that time I said that your outfit looked like something you fished out of the garbage can after the circus left town." You know, that's really the only thing he ever said that hurt my feelings.
- Joe: No, what about that time...
- Beth: Please Joe, just let me have a moment, thank you. "I meant it as a compliment, but somehow it came out wrong." That's very sweet.
- Joe: "Dear Joe, I'm sorry I intentionally broke the printer by my desk every Monday morning and made you fix it." I knew there was something up with that printer. "I only did it because I enjoyed hearing your voluminous redactions on the prior weekend's sporting events. On more than one occasion, you helped lull me into my mid-morning nap. For that, I am eternally grateful. Kudos. The printer shouldn't give you much trouble anymore." I wonder if he knew how much I enjoyed fixing that printer.
- Mr. James: Oh, I think he did, big guy. I'll go ahead and go. "Dear Jimmy, what can I say? The fact that you trusted me enough to share a few of your secrets with me means a lot. I only hope that someday you'll reveal to the rest of the world the actual culprits behind the assassination of John F. Ken—" Actually, this one's kind of personal, so I'll just read it myself.
- Lisa: "Dearest Lisa, I'm sorry I was so obsessed with what you might look like naked. I'm even more sorry that I never actually got the chance to see what you naked. Please think of me the next time you're naked, because if it is at all possible to become a ghost, I will be there appreciating you in all your naked splendor."
- Matthew: Are you sure you don't have...
- Lisa: It's mine, Matthew.
- Matthew: "Dear Matthew, I am dead. No matter what I may have told you about my secret plan, do not get on an airplane and fly around the world searching for me. Also, be assured that this is not just a further ruse to throw everyone off the track of my secret plan."
- Lisa: I'm sorry, Matthew...
- Matthew: "P.S., the crow flies at midnight."
- Beth: What does that mean?
- Matthew: Nothing, never mind. It's top secret.
- Dave: "David, I suppose I should say I'm sorry for tormenting you so relentlessly, but I'm not. You enjoyed the game as much as I did, and you gave as good you got. I salute you, Sir. Salud! As for my eulogy, please make it as long and boring as is possible."
- Mr. James: See? You did right by him.
- Dave: "Anything less than three hours I will consider a colossal failure."
- Mr. James: Okay, you almost did right by him.
- Dave: Catherine, come on.
- Catherine: Well, this is kind of personal.
- Lisa: No, come on...
- Matthew: Easy there, Lisa. No one likes a sloppy drunk.
- Joe: Come on, Catherine.
- Catherine: Okay, you asked for it. "Dear Catherine, I'm sorry that we only slept together that one time. I found your lovemaking technique delicious, particularly the way—"
- Mr. James: Just go ahead and read that to yourself.
- Dave: Well, there is another final note for all of us. "Anyhoo," he continues, "that about wraps it up for me. Farewell. Take care of each other, and I'll see you all when you get to wherever it is that I am now." That's it. "Matthew, please collect these notes and burn them immediately." [Matthew takes everyone's notes.] Oh wait, there's some fine print here. [Matthew puts the notes in the wastebasket and lights a match.] "P.S. To liven up what I'm sure is an unnecessarily somber day, I've taken the liberty of treating these notes with a flammable agent which should—" [As soon as Matthew drops the match, the notes immediately burst into flames.] Joe, my office is on fire.
Meet the Max Lewis [5.2]
- Max: You there! Who are you?
- Joe: Joe, the electrician.
- Max: I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news!
- Joe: You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know?
- Max: You are no help to me and obviously drunk!
- Dave: Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today.
- Joe: Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.
Lucky Burger [5.3]
- Dave: Max, everyone is just a little bit weird.
- Max: I collect buttons.
- Dave: That sounds like a normal hobby.
- Max: And rubber bands. I put peanut butter on absolutely everything, even steak.
- Dave: Well, it's an acquired taste, but it's hardly...
- Max: I still have the sweater my mother knitted for me when I was a baby.
- Dave: That's sweet.
- Max: ...and I'm wearing it right now.
- Dave: [to Max] I want you to look around. Here we have Lisa, who today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast food industry. Over here we have Beth, who dresses like a barmaid from "Blade Runner." Mr. James, a millionaire who has spent the entire day eating food he knows for a fact to be spoiled. Joe, who has earned upwards of 11 dollars working as an amateur surveillance expert, albeit half of that is Monopoly money. [Matthew peeks from behind his desk] And of course, Matthew, who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.
- Lisa: How could you do that?
- Max: Do what?
- Lisa: Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea.
- Max: You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Lewis pinish.
- Lisa: First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate.
- Max: That's part of the pinish!
- [Dave and Mr. James are both relaxing to the white noise machine]
- Mr. James: So, like I was saying, a problem is what you make of it. If you think it's going to be big, guess what it's going to turn out to be?
- Dave: Big.
- Mr. James: Bam.
- Dave: Boom.
- Mr. James: Love it.
- Dave: Shame wibbling.
- Mr. James: You got that right.
- Dave: Amen.
- Mr. James: Yeah. Oh, this morning, satellite of mine blew up on takeoff.
- Dave: Hmm. Cost?
- Mr. James: 10 million.
- Dave: Result?
- Mr. James: Immense setback.
- Dave: Milk?
- Mr. James: Spilled.
- Dave: Gonna cry over it?
- Mr. James: Not even.
- Dave: Uh uh. Right now, I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for about an hour.
- Mr. James: Oooh. That hurts.
- Dave: Life's a bitch...
- Mr. James: ...then you die.
- Dave: My...
- Mr. James: ...oh...
- Dave: ...my.
Flowers for Matthew [5.5]
- Max [about Beth]: I don't want her to think I'm pathetic.
- Lisa: You are pathetic.
- Max: Well, obviously!
- Dave: Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew?
- Joe: Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.
- Dave: Not anymore.
- Mr. James: Dave, you know I think the world of you, but you can't deal with Johnny Johnson by yourself. He eats the hearts of guys like you for breakfast.
- Dave: Sir, I'm serious.
- Mr. James: So am I. Have you ever been to a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur?
- [Johnny has the green duffel bag that could send Mr. james to prison for the D.B. Cooper robbery]
- Dave: Nice... nice green duffel bag you got there.
- Johnny Johnson: Thanks. I found it in some of Mr. James' belongings
- Dave: Where?
- Johnny Johnson: Landfill in Mongolia.
The Lam [5.7]
- Johnny Johnson: I'm a hollow man, Dave. I'm a cheap chocolate Easter Bunny.
- Lisa: I don't want to be a pawn in a corporate game.
- Dave: Why not? It's fun.
Clash of the Titans [5.8]
- Max: Johnny, Mr. James might be going to prison. Why are we celebrating?
- Johnny Johnson: Care to take this one, Dave?
- Dave: Johnny wants Jimmy in jail. It is all part of his evil plan. You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about.
- Johnny Johnson: Bingo.
- Johnny Johnson: While you were on the lam, your board of directors elected me CEO.
- Mr. James: That's impossible. My board of directors would never do that. [Johnny gives him a folder; Mr. James looks inside] Of course, I didn't think my board would have naked hot tub orgies. So you blackmailed them, did you?
- Johnny Johnson: No, I bribed them. I gave a naked hot tub orgy.
- [Beth has bandages on her hands]
- Mr. James: What's wrong with your hands?
- Beth: I have carpal tunnel syndrome.
- Mr. James: Oh, yeah. People get that from typing all day.
- Beth: Yeah, I know.
- Mr. James: How did you get it?
- Beth: No idea.
- Dave: Mr. James, do you have any advice for the young ones?
- Mr. James: Always use a condom, and if you're too embarrased to ask, just shoplift them. It's easy!
Spooky Rapping Crypt [5.10]
- Mr. James: [about Beth] This is serious, Dave. She's out there all alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.
- Dave: Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.
- Beth: I speak for the whole staff.
- Mr. James: Max, does Beth speak for you?
- Max: No.
- Jimmy: Then why are you helping her?
- Max: Because she's a pretty girl with red hair.
- Mr. James: Aren't you wondering why I came in through the window?
- Dave: Right now, my curiosity is taking a back seat to my sanity these days.
- Lisa: Is Matthew still out there?
- Dave: Yes. Is there a problem?
- Lisa: Matthew's out there.
- Dave: Well, that's a problem we all have to face in a weekly basis.
- Mr. James: James James, the man so nice they named him twice.
- Beth: It's gonna be tough to decide between you two.
- Max: Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together.
- Mr. James: Oh, you do?
- Max: I have decided to vote.
- Dave: That's great, Max.
- Max: ...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall have it!
- Mr. James: You know who Guggenheim was?
- Lisa: Yes, Guggenheim was a financier and a philanthropist.
- Mr. James: Wrong. He was some guy who built an ugly museum, named it after himself. But, when people see it they go "Hey, Guggenheim." What about me? What about Jimmy James, huh? He's just nothin'. A big, fat nothin'.
- Lisa: Sir, you are hardly nothing.
- Mr. James: Well, you're right. M-maybe I'm not nothin'.
- Lisa: Of course you're not nothing.
- Mr. James: I'm Jimmy James!
- Lisa: That's right!
- Mr. James: Jimmy James!
- Lisa: The one and only Jimmy James!
- Mr. James: Yeah, the guy who's gonna blow up the Guggenheim!
- Lisa: No, sir, no!
- Joe: This is how it starts. These punks move in, start hassling old people, soon the streets are no longer yours.
- Beth: Charles Bronson week on TNT?
- Joe: Every week is Charles Bronson week on TNT.
- Beth: All dogs are male, all cats are female.
- Lisa: Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl.
- Max: We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender.
- Lisa: Sex and gender are the same thing.
- Max: Not so. I would much rather have sex than gender.
- Lisa: Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.
- Matthew: I thought hippies were cool.
- Mr. James: They're not, they are pure evil with hatred in their hearts.
- Matthew: Wow. Live and learn.
- Max: I want an assistant.
- Dave: You can't have an assistant and a couch.
- Max: I choose couch!
- Dave: Somehow I thought you would.
- Lisa: I brought Foxy in to improve my productivity, and she can't do that while Joe is teaching her bad words in Italian.
- Mr. James: So, what have you been up to?
- Johnny Johnson: Well, I'm a wino.
- Mr. James: A wino! Imagine that.
- Johnny Johnson: Last week they elected me king of the winos.
- Mr. James: Did you hear that? King of the damn winos!
- Johnny Johnson: It's burning you up inside, isn't it?
- Mr. James: To a crisp. Usually, when I crush someone they stay crushed.
- Johnny Johnson: [to Lisa] I know that you probably hate me. I don't blame you. But believe me, never a day goes by without my thoughts turning to you. Even as I battled stray dogs for scraps of meat in urine-soaked alleys, all I can think of is Lisa Miller.
- Lisa: [on the phone] My marriage is tomorrow, and I don't care if you had a previous engagement. An oral agreement is like a contract to me. Well, same to you, buddy!
- Beth: Caterers?
- Lisa: Parents.
- Johnny Johnson: [describing Lisa's kisses] Sweet, salty, never dull... that's Lisa.
- Dave: No, that's microwave popcorn.
- Lisa: Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name.
- Mr. James: You can't copyright any employee's name.
- Lisa: See?
- Mr. James: Because I own the copyrights to all your names.
- Matthew, Joe: What?
- Mr. James: When are you people going to start reading your contracts?
- Max: I have spring fever, and there's only one cure for that.
- Lisa: Euthanasia?
Padded Suit [5.19]
Freaky Friday [5.20]
- Dave: Max, the break room is not your personal hunting ground.
- Max: I know. I prefer to think of it as a game preserve, where everyone is free to take their best shot.
- Dave: Joe, we don't need a science reporter.
- Joe: Dude, I'm offering my services for free.
- Dave: Yeah, but just so that you can beam your messages to space.
- Joe: Lucky guess.
- Mr. James: And this is my cabin.
- Lisa: Looks more like a rustic convention center than a cabin, sir.
- Mr. James: Well, I bought 50 cabins, dismantled them and then reassembled them into one big-ass cabin.
- Dave: I must admit, this evening is turning out better than I thought.
- Lisa: You're half loaded.
- Dave: And you're not?
- Lisa: Halfway doesn't do it for me anymore.
New Hampshire [5.22]
- Lisa: Matthew has never lived more than five miles from his mother in his entire life.
- Dave: We all have to leave our mothers sometime.
- Lisa: Well, put it this way, Dave: When Matthew's mother dies, I envision him dressing in her clothes and murdering transients.
- [Beth finds out that Dave had Matthew transferred to the New Hampshire station]
- Beth: You son of a bitch! How could you?
- Dave: Is this Have Your Secretary Committed Day?
- Beth: Ah, sarcasm. The last resort of sons of bitches.
- Dave Nelson - Dave Foley
- Jimmy James - Stephen Root
- Matthew Brock - Andy Dick
- Lisa Miller - Maura Tierney
- Beth - Vicki Lewis
- Joe Garelli - Joe Rogan
- Catherine Duke - Khandi Alexander
- Bill McNeal - Phil Hartman
- Max Lewis - Jon Lovitz