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Psychonauts

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Psychonauts is a platform game developed by Double Fine Productions and released on April 19, 2005 for the Microsoft Xbox, the Sony PlayStation 2, and the PC. It features a boy who ran away from the circus to attend a summer camp for psychic spies, as he journeys into the minds of the counselors to solve a mystery.

History of Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp

[edit]

Read by Raz

500 years ago: Enormous Psitanium bearing meteorite strikes the earth, leaving a giant crater.
200 years ago: Native inhabitants begin making Arrowheads out of the Psitanium which they call by the name ‘Whispering Rock’. This is a rough English translation.
100 years ago: Prospectors and settlers take over the area, naming their boom town Shaky Claim.
99 years ago: First case of paranormal Hysteria diagnosed in Shaky Claim.
75 years ago: Houston Thorny builds his “Home for the Demented” to deal with the insanity epidemic.
60 years ago: More residents in asylum than in the town. Houston Thorny commits suicide by leaping from tower.
55 years ago: Asylum closes. Last valley residents paid to leave by the Federal Government, who flood the crater to prevent further habitation. Lake Oblongata is created.
5 years ago: “Whispering Rock” Psychic Summer Camp created to Nurture and train future Psychonauts.
Last Summer: I got to second base with Elka Doom. Signed, Nils Lutefisk.

Whispering Rock

[edit]
Coach Morceau Oleander: The human mind. Six hundred miles of synaptic fiber, five and a half ounces of cranial fluid, fifteen hundred grams of complex neural matter... a three-pound pile of dreams. But I'll tell you what it really is. It is the ultimate battlefield--and, the ultimate weapon. The wars of this modern age--The Psychic Age--are fought somewhere between these damp, curvaceous undulations. From this day forward, you are all Psychic Soldiers. Paranormal Paratroopers! Mental Marines who are about to ship out on the adventure of their lives! This (points to the brain diagram) is our beachhead! And this [points to his own head] is your landing craft. You shall engage the enemy in his own mentality! You shall chase his dreams, you shall fight his demons, you shall live his nightmares! And those of you who fight well, you will find yourselves on the path to becoming international secret agents. In other words... Psychonauts!! The rest of you... WILL DIE.
[The camera pulls back, and we see that the Coach is actually lecturing a group of terrified children.]
Dogen Boole: Waaaaaa!
Agent Sasha Nein: Oh, Morry.
Agent Milla Vodello: Children, you are not going to die.
Coach Oleander: Well, if you're not a Psychonaut, you might as well be dead!
Dogen: [sniffling] They told me this was a summer camp...
Lili Zanotto: Oh, Dogen. Don't worry about ol' Coach Oleander. I've been coming here for years, and trust me--nothing ever happens.
Bobby Zilch: Yeah, Dogen. Lili's right! You don't got nothin' to worry about... 'cept for that giant monster in the lake I was tellin' you about.
The Psychonauts capture an intruder.
Milla Vodello: It's just a little boy! What's your name, darling?
Coach Oleander: I'll find out!
[The Coach tries to pry into the boy's mind, but fails.]
Coach Oleander: Can't... get... in... ach! [Raz breaks free and lands safely with his acrobat skills]
Razputin Aquato: My name...
Coach Oleander: ...starts with a "D"...
Razputin Aquato: ...is Razputin. [Coach growls softly] But everybody calls me... Raz.
[Pause]
Dogen: Please don't kill us, lake monster!
Sasha Nein: Compelling.
Coach Oleander: Armored like a tank!
Razputin Aquato: Sorry I'm late. I don't want to disrupt your briefing, Agent Oleander. Agents Nein, Vodello. Please, continue.
Coach Oleander: Where do you think you're going?
Sasha Nein: You've broken into a highly-classified, remote government training facility.
Razputin Aquato: I know! Isn't it great? Listen, why don't I just sit over here quietly with my fellow PSI cadets-- Hey, how's it going? [to Dogen.] I like your hat! [Dogen smiles.]
Sasha Nein: We need to have this young man taken from here immediately.
Milla Vodello: I'll call his parents.
Razputin Aquato: What? But, don't you train Psychonauts here?
Milla Vodello: Yes, darling, but--
Razputin Aquato: To soar across the astral plane? To wage psychic warfare against the enemies of free thought?
Coach Oleander: That is what I wrote on the front of the pamphlet...
Razputin Aquato: Those words are why I'm here, Coach Oleander. Do you remember what you wrote on the inside of that pamphlet? "You were born with a special gift. But the people around you treat it like a curse. Your mother was afraid of you, and your father looks at you with shame in his eyes. Come to Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp, and you can show them all! Back home, your powers make you a loner, an outcast, a circus freak. But in this dojo, in this psychic dojo, they make you a hero."
Coach Oleander: Get that soldier a bunk!
Dogen: Wowee. You're so lucky, you get to go home soon.
Razputin: Home? Back there I was just like you were, Dogen--punished by my own family for having powers I never asked for. But here, I have a chance to be something. To make a difference. They may come for me, Dogen, but they'll be expecting Raz, the boy. But what they'll find... what they don't expect, is Raz, the Psychonaut.
Dogen: And--and--and then you'll make their heads explode?
Razputin: No! Do you do that?
Dogen: No! Well... once, kinda.
Elka: I saw Nils peeking into a hole in the girls' cabin.
Dogen: I'm hiding!
Elka: And I thought: "Oh, Nils, when will you peek into the hole in my heart? Because you'd just see yourself staring back."
Dogen: Uh huh. What?
Elka: I mean, he'd see my new boyfriend, James, staring back. And he'd be furious at Nils.
Dogen: Who's Nils?
Elka: Exactly. And, anyway, there wouldn't even be a hole, because James fills my heart 'til sometimes I think it's gonna explode.
Dogen: One time, I made someone's head explode.
Elka: Okay, maybe there's still a little hole.
Dogen: Actually, it happened four times.
Elka: But James and I have each other now, and Nils is just gonna have to deal with it.
Dogen: Now they make me wear this special hat, so I don't have any more accidents.
Elka: Are you even listening to me, Dogen?
Dogen: I hope so.
Sasha Nein: These tests are unauthorized, so I can't actually ask you to come. However, if you happened to drop in- well, then what could I do? Here, Let me give you this. [Sasha floats a button over to Raz] Remember: your talents will always set you apart, Razputin. Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries.
Razputin: Wait! I don't even know where your lab is! Is this some kind of test?
[Agent Nein's disembodied voice reverberates inside of Raz's head, Raz looks around, shocked.]
Sasha's Voice: "Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries."
Razputin: And now I'm hearing things. Great.
Raz: [To the sparrow] Here birdie birdie! Why don't you come alight on my shoulder? [sparrow flies away]...jerk.
Mikhail: Have you seen bear lurking in woods, with skin where hair should be?
Raz: Uh, nope.
Mikhail: In Russia, bears much smaller. Also, more hair. Less lurking.
Dogen: [To squirrels] No! I could never do that! I could never... kill everyone.
Sasha: [Activating the Brain Tumbler] Now relax. This won't hurt at all. Unless something really very bad happens.
Raz: [meets Lili late at night] Geez, it sounds like you caught a bad cold.
Lili: Maybe, but LISTEN! I traced the psychic interference back to Coach Oleander's radio! He's been broadcasting his insane plot all over camp in his sleep!
Raz: So he's really kidnapping children and stealing their brains to make weapons!
Lili: [excited] Yes! Isn't that great?
Raz: [confused] What? How is that great?
Lili: Because this is an honest-to-goodness psychic emergency!
Raz: And Sasha's not here! He left on some "official Psychonauts business."
Lili: [still excited] Milla left a note saying the same thing!
Raz: [Shaking her] Lili, a deranged madman is building a fleet of psycho-death tanks to take over the world, and there's no one who can stop him except for you and me!
Lili: Oh, my God! Let's make out!
Raz: [Backs away] Uh, what??
Lili: Sorry! I'm just so excited! Since you showed up, Raz, things are so much more exciting! Sinister death plots, mad scientists, hideous monsters...
Raz: ...Make out?
Lili: How long have I ignored what this camp has to offer? Everything's new to me now thanks to you! [sees a flower pop out of the bush] I mean, look at this flower!
Raz: You mean, like... kiss?
Lili: How many years have I been coming here and I've never even noticed a cool flower like this before?
[Lili picks up the flower and is suddenly captured by a gigantic mutated Lungfish emerging out of the bush; Raz attempts to attack it, but is swatted aside]
Raz: Ahhhh--oof!
Lili: Oh, no! You didn't just hit my boyfriend!
Crystal: [After spending the entire game being overly-cheerful] O-M-G. I feel so bad for throwing myself off the roof now!
Raz: Why'd you do that?
Crystal: Because the poison didn't work, silly!
Raz: [On reinserting the camper's brains after recovering them] Isn't that dangerous?
Agent Cruller: Oh, nothing is dangerous if you have the right tools! [holds up a funnel] Messy, but not dangerous!

Basic Braining

[edit]
Razputin: So this is it... the mental world.
[Pause]
Elton: It looks like a dentist's office.
Razputin: A mental dentist's office!
[The main antagonist is a mental dentist]
[Raz and Bobby are overlooking an obstacle]
Bobby Zilch: We can't get past this! This is stupid!
Razputin: Hmm, looks like a test. There's probably a secret, more advanced route.
Bobby Zilch: What's that supposed to mean? You think you're more advanced than me, New Kid?
Razputin: Sorry, what?
Bobby Zilch: I'm not stupid. You're stupid. The Coach is stupid. This whole camp is stupid! That thing flying at you is stupid!
Razputin: [turning around] What's flying at me? Whoa!
[Bobby kicks Raz off the ledge.]
Bobby Zilch: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Bobby Zilch's foot, that's what, you're stupid new kid! [does a little victory dance thing which Raz adopts in the game] Eh, eh-eh! Eh, eh, eh-eh! Eh, eh-eh!
Coach Oleander: Is your name Joey?
Razputin: No.
Coach Oleander: Cause I'm gonna call you Slowie Joey.
Razputin: That's not my name...
Coach Oleander:What was that, Slowie? I can't hear you, you're talking too slow!
Oleander: Plane's going down, soldier! Hit that door and geronimo!
Raz: Hey! No one told me to pack a chute!
Oleander: Did Washington have a 'chute when he crossed the Delaware? Just jump, sissy!

Brain Tumbler Experiment

[edit]
Sasha Nein: Razputin, can you hear me?
Raz: Sasha? Where am I?
Sasha Nein: You're inside your own mind, but I'm not sure where. Tell me. What do you see?
Raz: I see...a rundown gypsy caravan.
Sasha Nein: Do you recognize it?
Raz: [shrugs despondently] Yes. It's where I was born.
Razputin: [to the censors] You are my own creation! I command you to stop!...Dang. Does that ever work?
Sasha: What do you see?
Raz: I see a small, bunny-like animal thing.
[Raz spots a monster of some sort]
Razputin: Uh, Sasha?
Sasha Nein: What is it? Another bunny?
Razputin: No, this is more of a super-scary, flaming-eyed demon type of deal.
Razputin: [After looking through the memory entitled "The world shall taste my eggs!"] Okay, what the hell was that? I'm seeing some crazy stuff in here, Sasha. This can't be right.
Sasha Nein: Ach. Why did I buy the the CHEAP Brain Tumbler?
Dr. Loboto: Now the problem originates here, in the area that we in the medical profession like to refer to as THE BRAIN!
Dr. Loboto: I hate to be so blunt, but YOU have the insanity... of a manatee!
Dogen: I know, people are always saying that. What do you think's wrong with my brain, doctor?
Dr. Loboto: How should I know? I'm a dentist. But here's what I do know: if the tooth is bad, we pull it!
Dr. Loboto: Now hold still, this will only hurt until your brains come flying out!
[Dogen sneezes his brain out]
Dr. Loboto: Oh, good boy! There's that pesky brain. Here's a tissue. Now don't you feel better my dear lad?
Dogen: [Now brainless] TV..?
Dr. Loboto: Of course! Right here. [Loboto picks up Dogen's brain off the floor.] And THIS bad tooth, we'll just drop it in the ol' garbage chute. Now don't chew solid foods for the next six hours!
Razputin: Is this a nightmare... Or a plan? Or both?
[edit]
Sasha Nein: You will learn to control these emotions, focus them, concentrate then, and release them.
Razputin: As therapy?
Sasha Nein: No, as firepower. Say something hideous and horrible jumps out at you. Something so disgusting that it simply must die...
[Sasha trips a button with his foot to reveal a very ugly Tiffany lamp]
Sasha Nein: Oh... so tacky! I can't... look... directly at it! [to Raz] But I control those feelings, focus them, concentrate, and... Release! [psi-blasts the lamp to pieces] ...And the world is a better place. You try.
[After Raz destroys the lamps]
Sasha Nein: Excellent. A victory for good taste.
Razputin: Wait, so why did the censors attack me in my own mind? Don't I belong there?
Sasha Nein: Perhaps there is something wrong with the Brain Tumbler. Or you could be insane. We'll run tests for that later.
Sasha Nein: Young man, I hope you've learned a lesson here today.
Razputin: Yes, I have. That shooting things is fun, and useful!
Sasha Nein: No! That once you lose control, it's very hard to get it back!
Razputin: Got it. All thoughts must be 100% controlled at all times.
Sasha Nein: Well, no. Actually, if you were to suppress all of your undesirable emotions, they'd build and build and eventually explode.
Razputin: Oh...So, what would happen if you completely blocked off all you censor outlets?
Sasha Nein: Well, there would be a build up of censor energy within, that would... [The ground starts shaking violently] ...eventually... [the Mega Censor emerges] Run, Razputin. Very fast.
Sasha Nein: [To the Mega-Censor] You are my own creation! I command you to stop! [Gets smashed anyway]
Sasha Nein: [While stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp, after being hit repeatedly] Why no Aunt Bernie, of course I didn't get your calls or I would have responded right away.
Sasha Nein: [While stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp, in singsong] My name is Yon Yonson, I live in Wisconsin, I work in the lumberyard there...
[After saving Sasha from the Mega-Censor]
Razputin: Is this the part where I get another lecture?
Sasha Nein: No. Here's your merit badge. Let us never speak of this again.

Milla's Dance Party

[edit]
Raz: Agent Vodello? I've been ordered to report here for Levitation training. I've already done the Coach's obstacle course, and Sasha showed me how to shoot!
Milla: You know, I'd expect that sort of recklessness from Morceau, but Sasha?
Raz: Agent Nein said you were the most powerful Levitator the Psychonauts had!
Milla: Sasha said that? Really? I didn't know he noticed.
Raz: Well, you know...I only work with the best teachers.
Milla: Flirt! Okay. Let's party.
Milla: It's Razputin, the rolling rock star!
Nightmares: It's hot. It's burning.
Nightmares: Milla, Why did you let us die?
Nightmares: Miiiiiilllllaaaaaa
Nightmares: Where are you, Milla?
[When Raz tries, and fails, to enter water on his Leviation ball]
Milla: Hmm... that shouldn't be happening. Darling, do you have some problems with water? Do you want to talk about it?
Raz: It's a long story. I'll explain later.
Milla: Okay. I'm always here for you, darling. Let me just say that it is very normal for boys your age.

Lungfishopolis

[edit]
Lungfish Civilian: [describing "Goggalor"] He's impervious to bullets! And love...
Kochamara: I've got the brain of a little girl back in my lab that could power a whole army of Psycho-Blaster death tanks... [realizes Raz is laughing at him] What?
Razputin: You've got the brain of a little girl?
Kochamara: ...I said, "in my LAB!"
Razputin: I think you've got the muscles of a little girl, too!
Resistance Fish: Hey Goggalor! Down here!
Raz: Excuse me, are you talking to me?
Resistance Fish: AHHHHHHHH!!!! My ears!!!
Raz: [whispering a little] I'm sorry--
Resistance Lungfish: AHHHH!!!! Oh, my GOD!! AHHHHH!!! [then he dies]
Raz: [whispering] Are you okay?...
Resistance Lungfish 2: He's dead!
Raz: [Talking normally] Oh, geez, I'm sorry!
Resistance Lungfish 2: It's okay. Every member of the Resistance is ready to die fighting the tyranny of Kochamara.
Raz: So hey, have you seen any other humans around here? I'm looking for a girl called Lili.
Resistance Lungfish: The government archives might have some information on your young girlfriend, Goggalor.
Raz: Heh, I don't know if she's really my girlfriend, I mean---I think she..
Resistance Lungfish: I only meant that she is your friend who is a girl, Goggalor.
Newscaster: Oh, my God! Goggalor's headed for the orphanage!
Newscaster: Phew! Goggalor's headed away from the orphange!
[Raz smashes the orphanage]
Newscaster: Oh, my God! The puppy orphanage!
Newscaster: Oh, no, it WAS the orphanage... for dogs! It was the puppy orphanage, everyone!
Raz: Wait, are you sure Kochamara and your little friends won't mind me smashing up your city?
Resistance Lungfish: No.
Resistance Lungfish 2: I doubt it.
Resistance Lungfish 3: Uh..no, no, no.
Raz: So knocking down the prison and breaking this laser shield thing, nobody's going to get mad about that and start shooting at me?
Resistance Lungfish: No!
Resistance Lungfish 2: ...Maybe one guy would.
Resistance Lungfish: But what is even an entire navy of lungfish to the might and revolutionary zeal of Goggalor?
Raz: Wait, what navy?
Raz: Wait, aren't you gonna come with me?
Resistance Lungfish: Er, we'll stay here until it's clear...
Resistance Lungfish 2: For insurance reasons.
Resistance Lungfish: Yes. That. And for FREEDOM!
Kochamara: Mighty... ram!
Kochamara: Deadly... triangle beam!
Kochamara: Mighty ram... ground version!
Kochamara: Overly intricate... combination!
Kochamara: Hard-to-avoid... area attack!

Thorney Towers Home for the Disturbed

[edit]
Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armored battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beam!
Lili: I'm gonna kill you so much.
Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance is going to cover the whole thing. So! ... Hey, is it getting warm in here?
Lili: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat!
Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want! Here, do me a favor. Tell me if this smells like... YOUR DOOM! Heh heh!
Lili: I-I can't smell anything.
Dr. Loboto: Curses! You're a stubborn little ball of phlegm, ain't ya? Well, that head cold won't protect you forever, little girl, and when it's gone you'll be sneezing a different tune. A tune in the key of... brains! HAAA HA HA!
Sheegor: I'm not going to bring you any more brains if you're going to be so mean to them!
Dr. Loboto: No matter what I do?
Sheegor: No, no matter what.
Dr. Loboto: Not even if I...
[Loboto reaches towards the stove to turn up the heat on a pot over which he holds Sheegor's beloved turtle, Mr. Pokeylope, hostage.]
Sheegor: No, don't!
Dr. Loboto: Not even if I cook you a little...
Sheegor: Don't, doctor! No!
Dr. Loboto: A little turtle soup?
Sheegor: Please, Dr. Loboto! No!
Dr. Loboto: Hm, a nice, hot turtle soup, hmm?
Sheegor: Noooo!
Dr. Loboto: Nothing better on a cold night like this than some boiling hot soup!
Sheegor: You leave Mr. Pokeylope alone!
Dr. Loboto: Oh, Okay. Are you sure?
Sheegor: Nooo! I mean, YES!
Dr. Loboto: Alright, alright... Oh, why don't I just go ahead and heat you up a cup? It's made from turtles! Turtles that you love! Isn't that right, Mr. Pokeylope?
Sheegor: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Dr. Loboto: Okay, well maybe I'll just make some for myself.
Sheegor: [Running from the room] Yaaaaaahhh!
Dr. Loboto: Bring me a good brain, Sheegor, or Mr. Pokeylope becomes Mr. SMOKEY-lope! Ha Ha Ha HA! HOO HOO! HO HOO HOO! Smokey-lope! HAAAA! [Nonchalantly to the turtle] When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.
Raz: [to Lili] ...And the crib wasn't even that clean! What do I have to do to get those guys to take me seriously?!
Lili: [in her mind] When are you going to just shut up and kiss me?
Raz: Uh...I can hear that.
Lili: I know.
During the ultimate battle between Sasha, Milla, and Oleander
Oleander: You...tall people!
[A psychic battle ensues, but suddenly, Ford appears wearing psitanium on his back.]
Ford: You know something, Mory, we've got a word for people like you in the Psychonauts who turn on their own.
Oleander: Ha! I don't need the Psychonauts anymore, old man. I'm gonna rule the world with my fleet of brain-powered death tanks! You got a word for that?
Ford: Yeah...Gesundheit!
[Blows sneezing powder in Oleander's face, effectively saving the day]

The Milkman Conspiracy

[edit]
Boyd Cooper: Uh? Who are you working for?!
Razputin: Wha-? Uhhh.... I'm with the Psychonauts.
Boyd Cooper: Who? Oh, that doesn't fit in. That doesn't fit in at all! Maybe I've got this all wrong!
Razputin: Who do you work for?
Boyd Cooper: I'm the Guard. I've been fully trained.
Razputin: You've gotta let me in. My friend's in there!
Boyd Cooper: Sorry. The Milkman has the key. I am not the Milkman. I'm the Guard.
Razputin: Where's the Milkman?
Boyd Cooper: I bet he's sleeping on the job. His milk is delicious. Everyone wants it. He'll be here soon, then the lies will end.
Boyd Cooper: There's something in the fridge that might help you see the world like I do.
Razputin: Ooh, sorry. I don't drink... before noon, I mean.
Boyd Cooper: Beware the cows! Not all milk is enriched!
Raz: [referring to the G-Men] Man, these guys are dumb.
Boyd Cooper: [If you let him ramble on for long enough] Hi mom, look at me! I'm tangled in a web of deception!
Raz: [After being given a fake gun by Boyd] Couldn't I have a real gun? With bullets?
Boyd Cooper: What, give a loaded gun to a 10 year-old? What do you think I am, crazy?
Den Mother: Would you care to join us in our Rainbow Squirt Pledge of Purpose?
Rainbow Squirts: "To promote niceness. To make the world prettier. To share candy with everyone. To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman. To protect the Milkman at all costs. To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective."
Den Mother: Do not follow! The milk is not ready, and you are not ready for the milk!
Den Mother: I told you not to follow. Now YOU MUST DIE!
Razputin: But--
Den Mother: THAT IS THE WAY OF THE RAINBOW SQUIRTS!
Den Mother: Enough! It's time for me to pluck out your eyes!
Razputin: HA! You can't. That is the purpose of the goggles!
Den Mother: [after being defeated] Look what you've done! He wakes! And the sea... [coughs] shall run ... white ... with ... his ...rage! [Passes out]
The Milkman: I am the Milkman. My milk is delicious.
Razputin: Hey, is that milk regular kind, or the exploding dream kind?
The Milkman: It's fortified with what the world wants. What the world deserves.
The Milkman: My employer has commissioned me to deliver this milk, to whitewash what went on here. I cannot rest until I have made my final delivery.
Raz: I am a grieving widow.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I am your sister in grief.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Should I remarry or remain faithful to my spouse?
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one was not dead, but alive.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one had remembered to indicate me as the beneficiary of his 401k plan.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Why. God. Why.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Ah, I see that you are grieving. I will give you your space.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: The dead people are underground. And I have brought flowers because...I am sad.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I am alone now, and grieving.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: The cemetery is filled with dead people.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: These flowers are a token of my remembrance for my loved one.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Boo hoo hoo.
"Plumber" G-Man: Hello, sewer worker. I think I met you at the union meeting.
"Plumber" G-Man: We work in the sewers.
"Plumber" G-Man: Though I often smell of excrement, I deserve your respect because I provide a valuable service.
"Plumber" G-Man: There are no documented cases of alligators living in the sewers.
Other "Plumber" G-Man: Feces.
"Plumber" G-Man: This job is unsavory, but it must be performed by someone.
"Plumber" G-Man: The sewer is very important and we are responsible for its upkeep..
"Plumber" G-Man: Due to illegal waste disposal, sewers water is often highly radioactive.
"Plumber" G-Man: I need to provide blockages, and this [his plunger] device is one of my tools.
"Plumber" G-Man: The sewer is not safe for civilians and they smell very bad.
"Plumber" G-Man: I am a waste management technician.
"Plumber" G-Man: The most pleasant sewers can be found in Paris, France.
"Plumber" G-Man: Sewers carry human waste.
"Watering Can" G-Man: That is a nice watering can. May I ask how much you paid for it?
"Watering Can" G-Man: Plants need to have water poured on them, because they have no hands to hold glasses of water.
[Talking about his gun.]
Raz: It's fake. I'm worried the other assassins are going to make fun of me.
"Assassin" G-Man: Shhh... Don't broadcast that fact, they look real.
"Assassin" G-Man: I do not kill out of passion, but for money.
"Assassin" G-Man: My motivations are clear only to myself.
"Assassin" G-Man: Sometimes I work for the government.
"Assassin" G-Man: They got Freddy! Poor Freddy. He was such a good secret agent. I mean, assassin. Who is shooting at us?
"Assassin" G-Man: My gun is clean.
"Assassin" G-Man: Adjustments need to be made when firing in the wind.
"Assassin" G-Man: I like to shoot people.
Raz: I work for the road crew. This is my stop sign.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Yes, we all work on the road crew. Our backs are killing us.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Hello fellow road crew worker. Welcome to the road crew.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Look at that woman's breasts. They're large.
"Road Crew" G-Man: My red sign helps me work on the road.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Thank goodness it is Friday.
"Road Crew" G-Man: It is very hot here, working on the road.
"Road Crew" G-Man: I cannot wait until the next pay day.
Raz: I am baking a pie.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: You better not be trying to steal my husband...tramp.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Over time, my husband will desire me less sexually, but he will always enjoy my pies.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: For the last several years, I have relied on prescription medication to make it through the days.
"Pie-Making Wife" G-Man: When my husband drinks excessively, I may threaten him with this rolling pin, though we still love each other very much.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: I am famous for my pie making abilities.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: It is important not to use too much pressure when rolling out a pie crest.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Apple pies are very popular.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Cherry is a flavour of pie.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Pies come in many flavours.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Though I do not receive a pay check, I consider my home-making to be my occupation.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Rhubarb is a controversial pie variety.


"Helicopter" G-Man: Helicopters can go up and down. Helicopters move sideways too, but not as fast as planes.
"Phone Repairer" G-Man: I can listen to any phone conversation that I want, but do not because of my sense of professional responsibility.
Raz: I work in the sewers.
Non-Sewer-working G-man: Gross! That is a terrible job! I would never let you date my daughter.
Any G-man : [After Raz uses Pyrokinesis on him] I am on fire. I am uncomfortable. Initiating countermeasures.

Asylum Grounds

[edit]
Razputin: Hey... I like it!
Edgar: Ah, you see, the poor dumb beasts have no thumbs, so I ask you... how are they holding their cards?
Razputin: St--St--Sticky paws?
Edgar: It should be impossible, and yet somehow they go on... playing the game.
Edgar: In the end, Razputin, aren't we all just dogs playing poker?
Crispin: Whatever.
Fred: The battle can't be won! We're gonna lose it!
Crispin: I'm afraid you lost it years ago, Fred. Now, pipe down over there. I am the orderly, and I run a quiet, peaceful insane asylum.
Crispin: One moment. You're not Dr. Loboto. My eyes may be half gone, but I would recognize the mad doctor anywhere. He has a stone-cold face a man doesn't easily forget. He wears a beastly smock covered in thick straps like an electric chair. And in the place where his hand should be there's nothing but a gleaming metal claw. So unless I'm mistaken, you are not Dr. Loboto, you do not pay my salary, so kindly step away from my elevator and die. Thank you, sir.
Edgar: [hit with a Confusion Grenade] Ugh... Who chained this building to my leg?
[After you beat Waterloo World]
Fred: Is he really gone? Hello? Hello? Anyone else in here? Ha! We did it, Raz! I'm all me again! One person - not French! Get me out of this dang jacket so I can go strangle me an orderly!
Raz: Hey, good thinking, Fred. That sure would save me a lot of work.
Fred: Yep! Right after I take a nap.
Raz: Yes! A- wait, nap?
Fred: War is hell, Razputin, and I'm sleepy. [yawns] I'll take care of Crispin for ya, just as soon as I... [falls asleep]
Raz: Oh, man...
[After you assemble your Doctor Loboto disguise]
Crispin: Taking her up yourself today, eh, Doctor? Less work for me.
Fred: Inmate Whytehead.
Crispin: Chief Orderly Bonaparte! You're... you're...
Fred: Armed?
[After you free Lili]
Sasha: Razputin, you have surprised us yet again. I cannot thank you enough.
Raz: Hey, hey. All in a day's work for a Psychonaut.
Sasha: Ha. Well, Psi-Cadet, you mean.
Lili: Are you kidding? The Psychonauts should be so lucky to have somebody like Raz! The brain he's got in there---
Oleander: ---is one in a million! Thanks to all of you for bringing it straight to my door!
Sasha: Oleander!
Razputin: You! You took all my friends' brains, you turned an innocent fish into a giant monster, you stole all the teachers--derailing my education! AND, you kidnapped... [pauses, looks at Lili, who nods] ...MY GIRLFRIEND!
Sasha: Razputin, this fight is too big for you.
Razputin: Back home I had to clean up after the elephants, so trust me, I know how to take care of this ugly, little pile of--
Milla: Kids, let the grown-ups handle this.
Oleander: You... tall people!
[A psychic battle ensues.]
Razputin: Sasha!
Lili: We get to kill him too!
Razputin: Ahhhhh!
Edgar: Well, it's official. the genius is back. Time to go get ready for my gallery show. [pulls his chain out of the floor, breaking a gas main] Uh-oh, this looks bad. [sniffs] Ah, well, that's good. Someone must have turned off the gas long ago.
Gloria: [outside in the garden] Oh, here's what my poor flowers need - a little water. [turns the gas back on]
Edgar: Oh, no, I spilled all my turpentine and acetone!
Fred: [climbs out of a window and sees Boyd poised to throw a milk bottle into the asylum] Hey, Boyd! Long time no see!
Edgar: Oh, Mister Orderly! I did not see you there. I was just taking a little therapeutic walk in the moonlight-
Fred: Relax, the asylum's closed. We can all go home.
Gloria: Leave? Here?
Fred: Yeah, this place is for crazy people. And I don't know about you, but I ain't crazy no more! [eye twitches]
Edgar: I have to tell you, I'm feeling pretty good...
Gloria: You know, maybe it is time for us all to move on.
Fred: What d'ya think, Boyd? You ready to blow this popsicle stand?
Boyd: [hurls the milk bottle into the asylum, where it explodes] The milkman has completed his route. You guys wanna split a cab?
Raz: [to Lili] ...And the crib wasn't even that clean! What do I have to do to get those guys to take me seriously?!
Lili: [in her mind] When are you going to just shut up and kiss me?
Raz: Uh...I can hear that.
Lili: I know.
[During the ultimate battle between Sasha, Milla, and Oleander, Ford appears wearing psitanium on his back.]
Ford: You know something, Mory, we've got a word for people like you in the Psychonauts who turn on their own.
Oleander: Ha! I don't need the Psychonauts anymore, old man. I'm gonna rule the world with my fleet of brain-powered death tanks! You got a word for that?
Ford: Yeah...Gesundheit!
[Blows sneezing powder in Oleander's face, effectively saving the day]
Lili: [after kissing Raz] Wow...
Raz: [looks past her, sees the asylum blow up] Wow...

Gloria's Theater

[edit]
Becky: Well, I'm off to kill myself.
Bonita: What? Can't you see I'm drowning in my own misery here? Should I be doing something with my hands?
Raz: You're mean and fat!
Jasper: And...?
Raz: Just giving you the update.
Becky: [If you try to firestart her] Hot flash! Hot flash!
Raz: If you hate the show so much, why don't you just leave?
Jasper: I just can't take my eyes off it! It's like watching the scene of a horrible car accident... an accident where the victims can't act, and the paramedics forget their lines!
[Raz has chased the Phantom through the catwalks. He is now jumping around the theater])
Raz: OK, Mr. Phantom. It's time to see who you...really...are?
[The Phantom returns to Jasper's box and removes his mask, somehow gaining a great deal of weight in the process. Raz realizes that Jasper is, in fact, the Phantom!]
Raz: I so totally guessed that!
Actress: Uh-uh! You thought it was Becky!
Raz:Shhhh! [Goes over to Jasper] All right, Jasper! I know you're the one who's been causing all of the problems around here.
Jasper: WHAT? why I never. How dare you accuse me of being the rugged and romantic scoundrel, who has thrilled and captivated audiences for years?
Raz: Yeah, I guess you're right. He's so agile and limber and...thin. He could never be you.
[Pause. Jasper blinks in shock.]
Jasper: Why, you little...OF COURSE IT'S ME!
Raz: Well, time to hang up the cape, Tubs, because your days of terrorizing this theater are over!
Jasper: Maybe as the Phantom...but he's nothing compared to the full, destructive force of an angry critic!
[His chair flies into the air, becoming a floating weapon]
Raz: Now, how can I say this and still sound cool...uh...'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?'

Waterloo World

[edit]
Soldier: Mon dieu! I hate bridges! Zat was for killing my fathaire! Bridge!
Fred: Hey, quit killing my bridges! You're making me mad!
Carpenter: Oh, man, I would love to go over there, but that soldier would kick my ass... and I don't get paid for that.
Carpenter: Go away, burglar!
Raz: I'm not a burglar!
Carpenter: Yes you are! I can hear your feet on my roof. Why don't you go down through the chimney? I've got a nice, hot fire roaring just for you.
Raz: If I was on the roof, how could I be talking to you down here?
Carpenter: Maybe you're a ventriloquist!
Soldier: None shall pass!
Raz: Fred, your soldiers think you don't care about them. They think you wouldn't care if they lived or died.
Fred: What? I care about them?
Raz: Well, they don't believe it.
Fred: What do they want? A letter on my official stationary saying that I'd be sad if they died?
Raz: Yep.
Fred: Oh...okay.
Peasant: Wow...he really does care! I'd be honored to die for my leader now.
Raz: Wait, you're not necessarily gonna die...
Peasant: Oh, come on. Fred's a great leader and all, but he's still Fred.
Raz: Hey, check out this cool coin I found.
Peasant: Whoo, money! [To Wife] Honey, I'm off to die for an incompetent leader who won't even remember my name! You're in my will.
Raz: Oh, come on! Again with the negative talk?
Peasant: I just hope she doesn't go and spend it all on scrap-book supplies. Part of the reason I'm so ready to die...
Razputin: [talking to Napolean's first soldier] I can burn wood with my mind.
Soldier: That would be cheating.
Fred Bonaparte: [After being hit] Ow! Oh, go ahead, beat me up. I don't care.
Napolean Bonaparte: Trust me, he doesn't.
Raz: [To a cow, after Napoleon is beat] Can you believe a great battle was once fought on this very fields, upon which you now, so peacefully, graze?
Raz: Many men died.
Raz: Some did it for money, some for country.
Raz: And some did it just because they had guns.
Raz: And now, no one is left on the battle fields, except you cows.
Raz: Crazy world, isn't it?
Raz: Huh?
Raz: Don't you think it's crazy?
Raz: Mm?
Raz: Hey, I'm talking to you, cow!
Raz: We fought and died for you, so you could chew your cud in peace!
Raz: If it wasn't for me, you'd all be talking French right now!
Raz: Shame on you, ungrateful cow.
Raz: [After hitting a cow] That's what it was like when the war was on.
Raz: [After hitting the cow a second time] And that!

Black Velvetopia

[edit]
Razputin: [in the sewers, which oddly resemble a gym shower] I'm starting to feel like I'm back in high school! Which is weird, because I'm only ten.
Razputin: [after beating Tiger] Sleep tight, kitty.
Razputin: [after defeating Dragon] Soon they'll be 'dragon' your ass outta here. (giggles) Hey, are you awake? Did you hear that??
Razputin: PHEW! What's that smell?!
Dragon: That's fear, boy!
Razputin: No, I mean that fart smell.
Dragon: That's fearrrrRRRRRRGGHH!
Razputin: I mean a real smell. It's as if stink bombs laid eggs and those went bad.
Dragon: That's sulfur! It's.... part of the dragon costume, kid.
Eagle: Ca-Caw.
Razputin: That's it? Ca- [Eagle punches him in the face] -OOF!
Eagle: Ca-Caw.
Lampita: [crying over Dingo, then looks at Edgar] Um, I always... loved you more...?
[You can see this if, after you receive the confusion grenade from Dingo, you lob one at the dog waiting downstairs.]
Painter Bulldog: ...Oh, my, GOD. GOD. Is DOG....spelled backwards.
Raz: Um...are you okay?
Painter Bulldog No, wait! God...is CAT...spelled backwards. Ooooh, no. Oh, nononono, no!
Painter Bulldog: [begins to slather paint slowly over his stomach] I'm shaaaavinnng, just like daaaaddeeee...
Painter Collie: [admiring his own painting] It's so good that ... if it had a butt, I would sniff it.
Painter Dalmation: Black velvet hasn't been abused that badly since the last time Mom got drunk in her prom dress.

The Meat Circus

[edit]
Oly: Oh, hi. My name is Morceau Oleander. But you can call me Morry. Or Oly.
Razputin: Coach Oleander? What are you doing in my mind?
Oly: How did you get in my happy meadow? Nobody's supposed to know about that. You didn't tell my dad about it, did you?
Butcher: Ha ha ha ha!
Oly: That's him! Oh, no! Come on, little bunny. We'll be safe in here!
Razputin: (looking over the Meat Circus) Okay, the circus I remember from my childhood was definitely not made of meat-- the last time I checked.
Oly: No, bunny, don't go in there! That's a bad place! THAT'S A BAD PLACE FOR BUNNIES!
Oly: You gotta help me save the bunny! If he'd just hold still I could catch him and hide him from my dad. He runs a butcher shop. He wants to make food out of them.
Ford Cruller: That's right. Morry's old man was a butcher! It looks like your childhood memories of the circus got all mixed up with his childhood memories of his dad's butcher shop.
Razputin: My memories were bad enough. This is just gross. Uh oh.
Ford Cruller: You'd better keep that kid out of trouble. With your brains all scrambled like this, what happens to him, happens to you!
Oly: Ahh! Help!
Little Oly: Ahh!! My face!!!!
Oly: Help! You gotta help me protect the bunnies!
Razputin: Hey, hey. Little Oly. It's okay, those monsters are gone now. The bunnies are safe. We're all safe!
Oly: No, it's not safe! He's coming!
Razputin: Who's coming?
Oly: My dad!
Razputin: Your dad... the butcher?
Oly: Hē says little bunnies are good for nothing. Nothing but good!
Butcher:HEEEEEEEEERE LITTLE BUNNIES!
Oly: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Butcher: Don't run or else daddy's gonna' kill ya!
Raz's fake father: What's going on here? What have you done to our circus?!
Raz: Dad!
Raz's fake father: Polluted...perverted...this looks like the work of...mentalists.
Raz: I can explain!
Raz's fake father: Have you been associating with Psychics?
Raz: Dad, I--
Raz's fake father: Psychics. Fortune tellers! They killed your grandfather...they cursed our entire family to die in water.
Raz: I know, but-
Raz's fake father: Including you, Razputin. And me. But I'm going to live. You know why? Because I'm still an acrobat. Let's see if you are...

(Jumps to the top of the tent)

Raz's fake father: What's it going to be, son? Die in the water, or show me what you got?
Razputin: Oly, are you okay? Where's your dad?
Oly: He's over there, talking to your dad...
Raz's fake father: He did WHAT?!
Razputin: Uh-oh.
Raz's fake father: Somebody's gonna get grounded...
Oly's father: Make that 'ground'! (laughs evilly)
Raz's father: Razputin...[breaks through Raz's mental wall] Razputin! I see your skull is as hard to penetrate as ever.
Raz: Dad!
Raz's father: What is your brain doing out here in this tank, with this other brain? Who are all those unconscious people? What have you gotten yourself involved with?
Raz's fake father: Psychics! He's been cavorting with filthy, cheating psychics!
Raz's father: Is that really...is that really how I look in your mind?
Raz's fake father: Man, do I hate psychics! And seeing my son happy.
Raz's father: I don't hate psychics! I used my psychic connection with you to find you. And to project myself into your mind.
Raz: But how can you hate me for being psychic if you're psychic, too?
Raz's father: Son. I could never hate you. I only wanted you to be happy, Razputin. And safe. Our family has many enemies.
Raz's fake father: Ahhhhhh! [Raz's father PSI-Blasts him into the meat grinder.] AYEEEEE!!!!
Raz's father: I have a LOT more hair than that!
Raz: Ah! Ah! Bunnies! No! No meat! Ah!
Raz's father: Shhh. No more. No more meat. Look.
Oly: There you go. Goooood little bunny! Ha ha! Hey, thanks for helping me save the bunnies. And for talking to my dad.
Raz: Uh, no problem, little Oly.
Oly: Bye! Bye! Wave goodbye, Mr. Bun!
Raz: Where's he going?
Raz's Father: We're separating the brains now, Razputin. He'll be fine. Let's go inside.
Raz: Man, I can't wait to tell you about all the messed up stuff that happened.
Raz's father: Oh, I know a lot of it. While you were out I... poked around a bit. Tell me about this Lili person.
Raz: Hey!

Ending

[edit]
Coach Morceau Oleander: And so, that brings us to the end. Where, as you can clearly see, the personal demons causing my negative behavior have all been eradicated, leaving me sane once again. This is also corroborated in CAT scan number three, on page fifty-nine of your handouts. On a personal note, I would just like to reiterate how extremely, extremely sorry I am for stealing all of your brains, and trying to take over the world. Mistakes have been made. But this camp is all about education, and I know I, for one, learned plenty. Thanks to that guy right there. Come on up here, Raz!
Ford Cruller: We endeavor to build strong minds here, with the power to lift things, to see things, to burn things. But, it's a special quality of your hearts, not your mind, that truly makes a great Psychonaut. This young man has it. We did not give it to him. He got it from someone else, long before he came here. But we. CAN give him this, to honor his mind, his courage, and his heart. Son, we do not normally ask this of someone so young, but it is obvious to us all that you are not average. Will you join us, Razputin? Will you be... a Psychonaut?
Lili: Okay, let's be perfectly clear about this. That was the best summer of my whole entire life.
Raz: Hey, the summer's not over yet! We can hang out for a couple of weeks still.
Lili: My family's out on the East Coast. Where's yours?
Raz: They move around a lot.
Lili: Hm... Well, you'd better go. Your dad's waiting for you.
Raz: Um, well--
Lili: Bye.
Sasha: Children, it's an emergency. There's been another kidnapping!
Coach Oleander: I was here the whole time. You saw me.
Sasha: No. this time we know who it is, and that's what scares us.
Raz: Who was kidnapped?
Milla Truman Zanatto, the Grand Head of the Psychonauts.
Lili: Dad?
Sasha: Sir, can you teleport this many of us back to headquarters?
Ford Cruller: Huh? What? Hey, what are you people doing in my kitchen?! NOW GIT!!!
Coach Oleander: Guess we're taking the jet.
Milla: Don't worry about your dad, darling. We'll get him back.
Sasha: Yes, after all, we'll have Razputin helping us.
Raz: I'm going?
Sasha: Now how could we do this without our anti-kidnapping specialist?
Raz's Father: I've taught you everything I can, Son. Now you go show them. Show them all.
Raz: Let's go!

Ford Cruller's Secret Chamber

[edit]
Razputin: What are you doing here at Whispering Rock?
Ford Cruller: This training facility is built smack on top of the largest Psitanium deposit known to man. It runs under this whole valley and makes this a very critical area for Psychonauts, so i'm here to look after it. And to make sure you little spoonbenders don't kill each other.
Razputin: What's Psitanium?
Ford Cruller: Psitanium is a very rare, psychoreactive mineral that crashed here on a meteorite hundreds of years ago. It responds to psychic waves. Focuses them, amplifies them. It can make psychics more psychic, but it can also make unstable people more unstable. Not everyone can handle that much activity in that part of their brain. It can drive them completely out of their gourd. Gives this valley an interesting history.
Razputin: I saw you raking leaves. Was that a disguise?
Ford Cruller: Er, yes. Well, well I have many disguises. It helps me keep an eye on you kids where ever you go. Heh heh. Now, when I'm in disguise, I may pretend not to recognize you. So don't try to blow my cover, Ok?
Razputin: Say no more. Your secret identity is safe with me.
Razputin: What does all this equipment do?
Ford Cruller: Well, up here it's all intel. Down that hallway is the observation room. No tests going on in there right now. Maybe later. And beneath us I have special machines for rebuilding PSI Challenge Markers and detangling Mental Cobwebs. You should go familiarize yourself with those. They'll come in pretty handy for you.
Ford Cruller: Are you ready?
Razputin: No, not yet.

[Ford slaps him.]

Ford Cruller: How 'bout now?

About Psychonauts

[edit]
  • I'm just going to list out of context some of the things that occur in Psychonauts: A telekinetic bear, a dentist who harvests brains, a sequence wherein you become a giant Godzilla-style monster and terrorize a society of talking fish, and shadowy, trenchcoated government agents who disguise themselves as housewives by brandishing rolling pins and talking disjointedly about pies. A game that features all of these things simply cannot be criticized, it's against the law or something.
  • I borrowed money, I borrowed a lot of money to keep the studio going. I was personally on the line. I would have been in debt for the rest of my life for the money I borrowed to make payroll.
  • I thought it wasn’t going to happen so I made a speech to the team saying that next week’s payroll was the last payroll, and all the air just went out of the room. Then I went back to my desk and found an email from Majesco and I was like ‘hold on team, don’t walk out the door!’
[edit]
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