Sam & Cat

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Sam & Cat is an American teen sitcome that premiered June 8, 2013, on Nickelodeon and ran until its cancellation on July 17, 2014. It is a crossover spin-off/sequel of both iCarly and Victorious.

Season 1[edit]

#Pilot [1.01][edit]

Sam:  I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate.
Cat:  Are you saying what I think you're saying?!
Sam:  Yep.
Cat:  Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?!
Sam:  I already found you a roommate!
Cat:  [throws her money on the couch]  Shut up, who is she?!
Sam:  Me!
Cat:  Oh my god!  [runs and hugs Sam]  This is the best day ever!  So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage.
Sam:  Isn't it?

Taco Truck Owner:  Hey!  Aren't you Sam from iCarly?
Sam:  Are you a cop?
Taco Truck Owner:  No.
Sam:  Yeah, I'm Sam.

Cat:  What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?

Sam:  If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that?

Dice:  You look like Sam from that web show iCarly.
Sam:  Nah, that chick is way hotter than me.
Cat:  She is Sam.
Dice:  Woah, you're awesome!
Sam:  Yeah.

[Cat gets into the sofa bed next to Sam]
Sam:  Uh, what are you doing?
Cat:  I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared.
Sam:  I'm not gonna get scare—oh, whatever.
Cat:  So, how long you going to be in L.A.?
Sam:  Uh…I don't know.
Cat:  Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle?
Sam:  Eh, I'm in no rush.  I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job.

Little girl:  Can you take Darby?  He's heavy!  [hands the baby to Cat]
Cat:  No, you guys, I gotta go!  Here.  [hands the baby to Sam]
Sam:  Woah, I don't want this beast!  [places the baby in a flower pot]  Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.

Nona:  [inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids]  Aah!
Cat:  Nona!
Sam:  Nice sack.

Sam:  What happened to you?
Nona:  Those little demons happened to me!

Dice:  And guess what I got today?
Cat:  Ooh, is it something?

Dice:  I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry.  I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber
Cat:  How much for the Bieber?!
Dice:  Thirty dollars.
Cat:  I'll take it!

Sam:  Hey!  Don't pick up that trash can!  There's a girl in there!
Cat:  Oh, my god!  [gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck]

Sam:  C'mon, elderlies love living with other elderlies!  They eat dinner at four o'clock and talk about pills.

Cat:  [pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed]  That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed.

Cat:  Oh, please!  You saved me from being squished in garbage!  Let me repay you with the gift of bathing!

Dice:  Save your snot!
Sam:  You're a weird kid!

Sam:  You got another robe I could wear?  You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow.

Cat:  [loudly into a megaphone]  I'm stopping my vehicle!

Cat:  Hi!  What's wrong?
Young boy:  We can't find our cat.
Cat:  Shut up, my name is Cat!
Young boy:  Can you help us find our cat?

Sam:  How much Bieber did you sniff?!

Sam:  And why is there a battery in my burrito?

Sam:  Let's see.  You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20.  [gives Cat $20]
Cat:  Ooo, thank you!

Cat:  We have to give him C-3PO!
Sam:  CPR?
Cat:  Okay, we'll try that first!

Cat:  Where's my Nona?!

Cat:  Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight?
Nona:  Hmm…sure. I assume you don't have a prison record.  [laughs with Cat]
Sam:  Yeah…you assume that.

Cat:  Who's gonna make me soup?
Nona:  You can learn.
Cat:  I can?
Nona:  Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl, and put it in the microwave.
Cat:  Wait, slow down…

Cat:  You left the baby in the bush!?
Sam:  I'm getting the baby!

Cat:  Bye!  [gum falls out of her mouth and into a trash can]  Dang it!  My gum fell out of my mouth!

Cat:  I'm gonna faint.  I'm gonna puke.  I'm gonna fuke!

Sam:  How was school?
Cat:  Learn-y.

Cat:  Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun!
Sam:  Not so much for this guy.  [picks up a dead rat and throws it away]

Sam:  Hey!  Quit sniffing the Biebs.
Cat:  I can't help it!  He smells so talented!

[Cat starts tickling Sam on the motorcycle]
Sam:  Don't tickle me.
[Cat stops, puts her fingers in Sam's ears]
Sam:  Take your fingers out of my ears.
[Cats removes fingers, starts drumming on Sam's helmet with her hands]
Sam:  This is gonna be a long ride.

#FavoriteShow [1.02][edit]

Cat:  Our first real customer!  Now we're professional babysitters!  Shh!  Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this.
Sam:  He's three feet away.
[Cat turns around and the customer waves at her]

Cat:  Woop woop woop!  Shh!  Be cool!
Sam:  I'll try to control myself.

Sam:  Try to escape, eh?  Well, now you go in the hole, see?  [eats the bone rib]

Sam:  Okay, Math.  Let's see.  [looks at the t.v.]  Channel two plus channel five equals channel seven.

Sam:  That show was a big hit!  What kind of t.v. network cancels a big hit?!
Cat:  It's insane!  They're not even gonna do a big final episode!
Sam:  What?!

Little boy:  Can someone read me a story?
Cat:  No.
Little boy:  Is toothpaste a vegetable?
Sam:  No.
Little boy:  Can I jump off the roof?
Sam & Cat:  Yes.

Sam:  Look, on t.v. shows, they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana.
Cat:  Oh!  That's so clever.

[door bell goes "ding dong"]
Cat:  Ding dong.
Sam:  Why'd you do that?
Cat:  Do what?

Dice:  Aww, you're sweet.
Sam:  [removes Dice's hat, pulls him toward her by his shirtNever call me sweet.

Sam:  You know what you need?
Cat:  My own unicorn?

#TheBritBrats [1.03][edit]

Ruby:  Wait!
Nona:  Yes?
Gwen:  We want to buy that card.
Cat:  But I'm buying it.  Here's my $5.
Gwen:  I'll give you $10 for that card.
Cat:  I'll pay you $50 for that card.
Gwen:  $100!
Cat:  $200!
Nona:  [brings her hand up to her heart]  Ugh, my pace maker!
Gwen:  Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500!
[everyone in the room gasps]
Nona:  I'm sorry, but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl.
Cat:  But…but…but…
Ruby:  Yes!
[the two girls walk off, then they turn around and blow raspberries at Cat]

Sam:  The next number is…G41.
[everyone awws]
Gwen:  Yes!  Look, Ruby, we got another one!
Ruby:  We should go to Vegas!
Sam:  Okay, the next number is… [sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls] …ahh, there's a scratch on this number; I should probably just throw this one in the trash—
Gwen:  Just say the number!
Ruby:  Get on with it!
Sam:  …B7.
Gwen & Ruby:  Bingo!!
[everyone awws]
Gwen:  We just won a giant television machine!
Ruby:  Wooo!
Cop:  [enters whistling]  Okay, this is a raid.
[everyone gasps]
Nona:  We are being raided?
Cop:  This is an illegal bingo game.
Sam:  Since when is bingo illegal?
Cop:  When you're giving away a prize worth over $2,000.
Sam:  Cat!  You're running an illegal bingo game!
Cat:  But it was Nona's idea!
Nona:  I don't even know these girls!

Cat:  That snack…that snack she's eating!  Is she eating… [grabs the little girl eating bibble, smells her breath]
Ruby:  Bibble!
[Cat lets go, walks backwards screaming]
Gwen:  You want some?
Cat:  No!  Yes!  I mean, how much bibble do you have?!
Gwene:  We brought a big tin jug of it…
Ruby:  …from England.
[Cat screams, picks up and hugs both of the little girls]

Cat:  I'm baaaaaack!!  [runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen]  I got bibble!  I got bibble!!  I'm back and I got bibble!!  Woooooooo!!
Dice:  Did you get my money back?
Cat:  Yes!  At first.
Sam:  And then what?
Cat:  And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I bought!  Where's my spife?  [looks and finds her spife]  There's my spife!  [starts to open the jug of bibble]
Sam:  Wait, how much did you spend on that can?
Cat:  The can was free; I just paid for the bibble inside.
Dice:  How much?
Cat:  $500!  Plus my bike!  [points at Dice]  Don't judge me.  [carries on opening the bibble]
Sam:  You gave those little Brit brats all Dice's money?!
Cat:  And my bike!  Everybody clear?  Everybody up to speed?  I hope so 'cause I gotta eat me some bibble!  [opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs]
CatCotton swabs?!

Cat:  I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts.

Cat:  So what do you guys wanna do?
Gwen:  Oh, anything would be lovely.
Ruby:  Lovely.
Cat:  We could make some tea.
Sam:  You could do our laundry.
Cat:  We could play games.
Sam:  You could rub my feet.

Dice:  Those little girls were supposed to sell me five new Pear Phone sixes.  And they sold me rocks!  Rocks!
Cat:  They're nice rocks.
Dice:  Who cares?!
Cat:  Any rock collector would.

#NewGoat [1.04][edit]

Cat:  Is that my toothbrush?
Sam:  Would I have a toothbrush that did this?
[music starts playing from the toothbrush, Cat starts dancing]

Sam:  Here, pick a channel.  Nothing educational.
[the goat changes the t.v. channel; Sam opens the entrance door]
Sam:  Yeah?
Dilben:  Let me in.
Sam:  Why?
Dilben:  Thank you.  [watches a goat in the sofa]  Ahoy!  I knew I smelled an animal.
Sam:  Ahoy?
Dilben:  You're not allowed to have that beast in this building.
Sam:  Why are you wearing a cape?
Dilben:  Because I am.
Sam:  Are you a magician?
Dilben:  No.
Sam:  Superhero?
Dilben:  No.  I wear a cape because I like capes.
Sam:  Weirdos like capes.
Dilben:  [shows the printed papers]  See this here?
Sam:  No.
Dilben:  This paper.
Sam:  Did something poop on your forehead?
Dilben:  I command you to listen to me!
[Sam places two donuts on her ears]
Dilben:  This says, "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs.  No other animals allowed."
Sam:  Are caped weirdos allowed?
Dilben:  You're new to this building, aren't you?
Sam:  Kinda.
Dilben:  Well, I happen to be a big deal around here.  And you have one day to get rid of that goat.
Sam:  That's not a goat.
Dilben:  Is, too.
Sam:  It's a cat.
Dilben:  That's a lie.
Sam:  It's a small dog.
Dilben:  Another lie!
Sam:  So you have no friends?
Dilben:  Irrelevant!  Sign this, to show that you've been warned about your goat.
Sam:  I'm not signing anything.
Dilben:  You will sign it!  Or I won't leave.  [the next scene depicts Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  How dare you put my shirt around my waist and my pants around my torso!
Sam:  Thanks for stopping by.
Dilben:  You give me back my cape!
Sam:  No.
Dilben:  Why not?!
Sam:  Because young boys shouldn't wear capes.  [closes door]
Dilben:  [leavingSherlock Holmes wore a cape.

[someone knocks the door twice]
Cat:  Come in, Dice.
Dilben:  I'm not Dice.  I'm—
Sam:  Get out.
Cat:  No.  Um, hi, Dilben!  Come in.  Would you like a muffin?
Dilben:  I spit on your muffins.
Cat:  You should try butter.
Dilben:  Your goat is still here.
Sam:  It's not our goat.
Cat:  We're just babysitting him.
Dilben:  Yeah, right.
Sam:  Hey, you got another cape.
Dilben:  I wanna speak to your grandmother.
Cat:  My Nona?
Dilben:  Get her.
Sam:  She doesn't live here anymore.
Dilben:  Whaaat?
Cat:  She moved to Elderly Acres.
Sam:  Yup.
Dilben:  Interesting.  And who else lives here with you two?
Cat:  Nobody.
Dilben:  Delicious.
Sam:  What are you yammin' about?
Dilben:  Building rules!  All apartments must have at least one adult resident.  And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat!  My father has two reasons to throw you out!  [tries to leave the house but Sam interrupts him]
Sam:  Dilben.
Dilben:  Yeeees.
Sam:  Before you go… [the next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, once again kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Enjoy your Saturday.
Dilben:  I still have one more cape!
Sam:  Suck a truck.  [closes door]
Dilben:  [leaving]  I will not suck a truck!  Or enjoy my Saturday!
Sam:  [opens door]  Alright, Dilben, you can have your cape back!  [Dilben runs to the door trying to get his cape back]  Whoops!  [closes the door; Dilben fails and leaves]]

Nona:  Call Dr. Stanky.
Cat:  Dr. Stanky!
Sam:  Use your phone.

Cat:  Boys, boys, boys!  Fighting is never the answer!  Now let's try using our words.

Cat:  You know what they say, "Easy like a goat."
Sam:  Who says that?
Cat:  The goat keepers?

Cat:  Ding dong.
Sam:  Ugh!  That's Dilben.
Cat:  Okay, Goomer, are you ready?
Goomer:  Yep.  I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you.
Cat:  No!  You're our uncle and you live here!
Goomer:  Uncle Fudge.
Sam and Cat:  No!
Cat:  [opens the entrance door]  Hi, Dilben.  This must be your dad.
Dilben's father:  May we come in?
Cat:  Well, sure.
Sam:  Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there.
Dice:  I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat!
Sam:  Shower with the goat!
Dice:  Oh!
Sam:  Bleh!
[Dice runs to the bathroom]
Dilben's father:  So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat.
Sam:  Not anymore.
Cat:  No more goat.
Dilben:  They had a goat.
Sam:  Well, now we don't.
Cat:  Sam!
Dilben:  And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up.
Sam:  By ourselves?
Cat:  Uncle Goomer?  [Goomer doesn't want to respond as he wishes to be called "Uncle Fudge"]
Sam:  Uncle Fudge?
Goomer:  Oh, hi.  I'm their uncle, and I live here.
Cat:  With us.
Goomer:  With them.
Sam:  And he's twenty-seven.
Cat:  Yup, wanna see his I.D.?
Sam:  They don't need to see his I.D.
Dilben's father:  I would like to see his I.D.
Goomer:  Sure, I got it right here in my pants.
Sam:  You don't need to show them your I.D.
Goomer:  Here it is.
[the goat bleats, runs to the room; Dice runs after it]
Dice:  Murf!  Come back here!
Dilben:  Ahoy!
Dilben's father:  That's a goat!
Sam:  Well, thanks for swinging by.
Dilben's father:  Now this says you live in Van Nuys.
Goomer:  Well…I'm so ashamed.
Dilben:  Ha!  You girls are outta here.
Cat:  But this is our home!
Sam:  Look if you want us outta here then you're gonna have to call the cops.
Unknown man:  [enters]  Dilben?  Are you in here?  Dilben!
Dilben:  Uh, what?!  I've never seen that man before in my life; go away, dad—uh…stranger.
Sam:  Who are you?
Unknown man:  Dilben's father.
Dilben:  No!
Cat:  Well, then who's this man?
Dilben's fake father:  All right then.  I can clear this up.  [runs out the house, scared]
Sam:  What is going on?
Cat:  This is getting kinda weird.
Goomer:  I'm Uncle Fudge.
Sam:  Shut up.
Dilben's true father:  Has Dilben been telling you that his father owns this building?
Cat:  Uh-huh.
Sam:  Yeah.
Dilben's true father:  Well, I don't.
Sam:  You're really his father?
Dilben's true father:  That's right.  He's embarrassed of me because of my job.
Cat:  What's your job?
Dilben's true father:  I sell—
Dilben:  Don't say it!
Dilben's true father:  I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women.
Dilben:  Oh, no!  Aaah!  [sits on the sofa, embarrassed]
Sam:  Yowza.
Cat:  Why is it such a big deal?
Dilben:  You think it's easy being unlikable and having a dad, who sells wide shoes to wide-footed women?!
Dilben's true father:  You think it's fun for me, having a son who wears capes?!
Dilben:  They're fashionable!
Sam:  Okay, ho ho hold on.  So…you're just an annoying kid who lives in this building?
Dilben's true father:  He certainly is.
Cat:  And you just sell wide shoes?
Dilben's true father:  To wide-footed women, yes.
Sam:  Well, since neither of you have any power over us… [the next scene shows Dilben and his true father with their shirts around their waists and their pants over their heads, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Bye!  [closes door]
Cat:  Murf sneezed on Goomer.
Goomer:  Bad dog.

#TextingCompetition [1.05][edit]

Cat:  She's always texting me about wazzing.
Sam:  Sometimes while I'm wazzing.

Mrs. Torso:  I thought I told you not to come.
Sam:  You did.
Mrs. Torso:  Then, why are you here?
Sam:  Oh, because we don't care what you say.
Cat:  [laughs]  She's so disrespectful!

Cat:  Vice President of what?
Sam:  I think it's the Vice President of America.
Cat:  Oh.  Do we know what his name is?
Sam:  Nah, we're just high school students.

Cat:  In school, we learned the ancient Indians used to weave rugs.
Mrs. Torso:  What are you, dumb?
Sam:  Hey! Weave her alone.
Cat[Laughs] She is all up in your business!

#BabysitterWar [1.06][edit]

Sam:  That red headed girl is done with her food.
Bugles:  Understood! [Takes Cat's food]
Cat:  No! [Angry at Sam] You lied to a robot!

Cat:  Look, there's a naked robot!
Sam:  Where?

#GoomerSitting [1.07][edit]

#ToddlerClimbing [1.08][edit]

Sam:  We're ceiling inspectors.
Cat:  Here to check your ceiling.
Sam:  It's the overhead kind. Put a check by that.
Cat:  Check by that!

#MommaGoomer [1.09][edit]

#BabysittingCommercial [1.10][edit]

Cat:  Yay!  They saw our commercial.
Sam:  They called it stupid.
Cat:  That's just street talk for "good," you know, like, [gasps and begins to talk ghetto] "Yo, man, that girl is stupid."
Sam:  Hear that a lot, don't ya.
[Cat nods, giggles]

Cat:  Look.
Shelter owner:  Yes, that's a nice dog.
Cat:  And, look his name is Danger.  [pronounces it "Dang-gurr"]
Sam:  [sighs]  "Danger."
Cat:  Where?!

#RevengeOfTheBritBrats [1.11][edit]

Cat:  That makes sense, even to me!
Nona:  These pork fingers are so spicy! Oh! My mouth is on fire! Oh!
Bugles[sprays Nona with fire extinguisher] Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

#MotorcycleMystery [1.12][edit]

Goomer:  Where's your motorcycle?
Sam:  Oh, it's right over—[sees motorcycle is gone]
Sam:  [violently shakes Cat]  Cat!  Cat!  Cat!  Where is my motorcycle?!

Sam:  Hey!  This is America—you speak either English or Spanish!

Cat:  Excuse me!  I am looking for an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember.  Has anyone seen an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember?

#SecretSafe [1.13][edit]

Sam:  Anyway, don't look at it like we're babysitting ya.  You'll just be, like, crashing here with your two cool teenage buds.
Cat:  Cat and Sam.
Sam:  I don't like it when you say it that way.
Cat:  Sam and Cat.
Sam:  Better.

Sam:  Hello!  Dice!  You still there?  If you let us out now, I promise I won't break both of your legs!
Cat:  Hey, Sam.  Try to open the door to the safe so we can get outta here!
Sam:  Wow, why didn't I think of that?

Goomer:  What's the combination?
Cat:  Nine oh two nine one!
Sam:  That's our zip code.
Cat:  Five seven three two
Sam:  That's your phone number.
Cat:  I give up.

#OscarTheOuch [1.14][edit]

#DollSitting [1.15][edit]

#PeezyB [1.16][edit]

#SalmonCat [1.17][edit]

Narrator (on Dice's laptop screen):  Heeeeeeeeyyyy kkkkkiiiiiddddssss.  It's time for the wet and wacky world of Salmon Cat.  Today's episode is about SSSSSHHHHHAAAAAARRRIIIINNNNNNGGGG.
Sam:  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Ugh.  This is torture.
Cat:  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Shh!  I like it!
Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Meow meow meow meow meow.  I've got a whole bag of candy!
Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  Oink, oink, oink!  Hi there, Salmon Cat!
Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Hi there, Octo Piggy!
Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  Can I have some candy?
Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Noooooooooo.
Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  But I was hoping you would SSSSSHHHHHHAAAAAARRRREEEE some of your candy with me!
Sam:  [sick of the show]  Okay.  I can't watch any more of this trash.

#Twinfection [1.18][edit]

#MyPoober [1.19][edit]

#MadAboutShoe [1.20][edit]

Doctor:  Nurse, what is your name?
Sam:  Sally Meatballs. [Jumps out window]
Stacey:  I'm suspicious.

#MagicATM [1.21][edit]

Cat:  Officer. Officer. Could you turn on the radio?
Officer Kelvin:  Yeah, sure. Hey, and maybe later, we'll go get some pizza and go to the mall and meet some boys.
Cat:  I think he's being sarcastic.
Sam[sarcastic] No!

Cat:  Sam?
Sam:  What?
Cat:  Could you please pull over so I could put on my seat belt?
Sam:  No!

Sam:  Get the keys from the cop?
Cat:  Okay. Which one?
Sam:  The one I'm sitting on!

#Lumpatious [1.22][edit]

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23][edit]

Sam:  No, you're not!  'Cause I'm gonna jump the tuna.
Dice:  Yes.
Cat:  You promised me you wouldn't.
Sam:  Oh, what do you care?  You can't like me very much if you're gonna flirt with my ex-boyfriend right in front of my face.
Cat:  W-well you flirted with Robbie right in front of my face.
Sam:  Oh, you mean like this?  Mmm…that was some tasty Robbie.
Cat:  Y'know what?  Jump your stupid motorcycle over the tuna fish.
Freddie:  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  That sounds dangerous.
Cat:  It is…and I don't care what happens to you.

Cat:  I thought you guys were fighting.
Sam:  Why would we be fighting?
Cat:  Well, you're both anti-social misfits, filled with anger and rage.
Jade:  Wait. Is that why you haven't invited me over ever since you moved in?
Sam:  And why you never wanted me to meet her?
Cat:  Yeah.
Jade:  What'd you think would happen?
Cat:  Murder.
Jade:  Do you wanna murder me?
Sam:  No, I'm good.

Jade:  It's Frobbie! Somebody save Frobbie!

Cat[Screams excessively until fainting]

Robbie:  If you love Sam, why have you been going around Los Angeles fadoodling with Cat?
Freddie:  I have not been "fadoodling" with Cat.
Cat[Raises hands] You could've if you wanted to!

#YayDay [1.24][edit]

#BrainCrush [1.25][edit]

Sam:  Do we have a hammer?
Cat:  No.
Sam:  [begins banging head into the door]
Cat:  Sam, don't do that!  Use this.
Sam:  I asked you if we had one of those!
Cat:  You asked me if we had a hammer.
Sam:  Well, what do you call that?
Cat:  A nail banger!

#BlueDogSoda [1.26][edit]

State regulator:  What are you two, a couple of dummies?  Blue Dog Soda has been banned in California.
Cat:  Banned?
Cat:  Why?
State regulator:  'Cause there's too much sugar in it.  And thanks to me, the State Bureau of Interference has passed a law: it is now illegal to sell or to drink Blue Dog Soda.
Sam:  But that's insane.
Cat:  That's our favourite beverage.
State regulator:  Too bad!  Did you know that some people drink ten-to-twelve bottles of this junk per day?
Cat:  Well we don't!
Sam:  Yeah, but we drink, like, one or two a week.
State regulator:  Yeah, well, some people drink too much of it.
Sam:  So?  Just 'cause some people drink too much of it, now nobody can have any?
State regulator:  That's right!  Because the public is too stupid to be trusted with things that they enjoy!

State regulator:  So, you girls babysit?
Cat:  Yeah.
Sam:  Why, you gonna ban us from babysitting now, too?
State regulator:  Nah.  I have a kid—and I don't like him.  So maybe I'll dump him on you two for a while.

Sam:  Pretty soon, we're gonna have all the Blue Dog Soda we want.
Cat:  How?
Goomer:  Harh.
Sam:  I'm makin' it.  I went online and did a ton of research and, pretty soon, I'm gonna have the exact formula.

Sam:  We're making Blue Dog Soda as a protest; this is about doing what's right!
Dice:  What do you mean?
Cat:  Well, it's wrong that there are people out there who want to butt into everybody's business and tell us what we can and can't have!
Sam:  Exactly.
Dice:  Okay.  So, then, what's the plan here?
Sam:  We make enough Blue Dog Soda for ourselves, and to sell to anyone who wants some.

State regulator:  Look, are you two babysitters or not?
Sam:  Listen, buddy, unless you got a warrant, you can't just come in here and b—babysitters?
State regulator:  Yeah.  Remember the flier?  It said you two babysit.
Cat:  We do.
State regulatorGood.  Mitch, get in here!  This is my boy, Mitch.  And I thought that maybe you two could babysit him for a few hours.
Sam:  Oh, so you came here just 'cause you want us to babysit your kid?
State regulator:  Yeah.  And he's not much trouble; he just likes—what d'you like?
MitchTelevision, football, cheese.
State regulator:  That sort of stuff.
Mitch:  Why can't I just stay with you?
State regulator:  Well, because daddy has to go find some bad people and put them in jail.
CatWhat bad people?
State regulatorSomebody has been making illegal Blue Dog Soda and selling it.
Sam:  No, those "jerks."
Cat:  Yeah, "jerks."
State regulator:  We don't know who it is, yet, but some genius copied the formula.
Cat (to Sam)Genius.
State regulator:  We're gonna find 'em, we're gonna bust 'em, and we're gonna shut 'em down.
Sam:  Okay.
Cat:  You do that.
Mitch:  How come?
State regulator:  'Cause sugar is bad.
Sam:  Okay, so you, uh, gonna shut down the people who make grape juice?  'Cause grape juice has a lot more sugar in it than soda has.
State regulator:  Uh, n-no it doesn't.
Sam:  Yeah, it does.
Cat:  Grape juice has lots more sugar than soda.
Sam:  So you gonna ban grape juice?
State regulator:  L-look, I am not interested in facts!  So, anyway, I'll be back to pick up the kid later.
Mitch:  I love you, daddy.
State regulator:  Don't embarrass me.

State regulator:  You Blue Dog Soda punks are in serious trouble!
Sam:  Why?
State regulator:  Why!?
Sam:  What's your problem?
Cat:  Yeah, what's wrong with making a tasty soda that everybody loves?
Dice:  Which we wouldn't've had to do if you hadn't banned Blue Dog Soda in the first place!
Goomer:  Has anybody seen the butt-scratcher?
Cat:  What's your problem with Blue Dog?
State regulator:  My problem is that some people drink too much of it.  And that's not healthy.
Sam:  So?  Some people eat too many sandwiches; you gonna ban sandwiches?
Cat:  Oh, and roller coasters!  What if a kid decided to ride roller coasters all day long everyday?  He'd flunk out of school!
Dice:  You gonna ban roller coasters?
Sam:  And what about sleeping?  I mean, if a person sleeps way too long, they're gonna wake up in a pile of their own poop.
Cat:  You gonna ban sleeping?
Goomer:  And pooping?
Dice:  And what about hugs?
Sam:  Right!
Dice:  If you hug someone real tight for too long, you could kill 'em.
Goomer:  That is true.
Sam:  So maybe you should ban hugging.
Dice:  Why don't you just ban everything?
Cat:  Yeah!  Because too much of anything could be bad for you.  But it's not fair to punish everybody.
Sam:  Just 'cause some people can't control themselves.
Goomer:  Don't you think people oughta be free to choose?
CatThis is America.
Dice:  The seventh-smartest country in the world.
Sam:  And we don't need people like you telling everybody what we can and can't do.
[the audience cheers]
[the state regulator cries]
Mitch:  Dad, what's wrong?
State regulator:  They're right!  I'm so stupid!

Sam:  To Blue Dog!
Cat:  And to freedom!
[the quartet celebrate their victory with bottles of Blue Dog Soda]

#BlooperEpisode [1.27][edit]

people:  Ariana, will you take our picture?
Ariana Grande:  Uh…sure.  Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right?
people:  No.  Oh, no.  We want a picture with Jennette.
Jennette McCurdy:  Oh, yeah.

#FresnoGirl [1.28][edit]

Sam:  Did you get a B?
Kim:  [sadly] No. [happily] I got an A!
Cat:  We trickered you into thinking she failed!

#StuckInABox [1.29][edit]

#SuperPsycho [1.30][edit]

#DroneBabyDrone [1.31][edit]

Nona:  Flying robits?!
Sam:  Robits?
Cat:  That's what she calls robots.
Sam:  Why would she call robots robits?
Dice:  'Cause she's old.
Nona:  [sprays Dice with a hose; smiles]  I may be old, but who's wet?

Cat:  Do you guys hear that? pie
Sam:  The drone!
[run to door]
Cat:  I don't see it!
Sam:  Me, neither.
Dice:  Maybe it's coming from the other way
[run to door]
Cat:  Oh, I see it!
Sam:  That's the moon!
Cat:  Dang it!
Nona:  Over there!
Sam:  There it is!
Cat:  OMG!Hi,drone
Dice:  It's so cool
Sam:  Man, it's coming pretty fast.
Cat:  Real fast.
Nona:  Where is it gonna land?
[drone smashes through window]
Cat:  It's here!
Sam:  Beef stick.
Cat:  Enormous man's underpants.
Drone:  Thank you for shopping at
Dice:  How great is technology?

#FirstClassProblems [1.32][edit]

Sam:  Okay, here's your water.
Kelly:  What's this?
Sam:  Oh, it's from France. It's called "Aqua Tiolette."
Philip:  France. Merci.
Cat:  "Tiolette." That kinda sounds like toilet. [Sam whispers in Cat's ear]
Cat:  Oh, god.

Cat:  Hot rags!
ID Checker:  Shut Up!

Security Woman:  Bags on the belt. Shoes off.
Cat:  Excuse me! I'm assuming those in first class don't have to take off their shoes.
Security Woman:  Yes, you do.
Cat:  But the floor looks really dirty and sticky.
Sam:  I got this.
[Sam lifts Cat onto convayer belt and takes off Cat's shoes]

#KnockOut [1.33][edit]

#WeStealARockStar [1.34][edit]

#GettinWiggy [1.35][edit]

[last lines of the series]
[in Nona's apartment]
Sam:  Hey, Nona, what goes… Hey. Em- What are you doing?
Nona:  Well, I'm getting ready to go back to Elderly Acres.
Sam:  What?  No!  What?  No.  You can't leave!  Well, come on!  What's for dinner?  I mean, let's go, right?  Mac and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese, huh?
Nona:  I got a phone call.  I can go back now.  The funk mites are gone.
Sam:  Well, that's great but—
Nona:  And Cat's coming home tonight, and she's going to need her bed back.
Sam:  But…but I don't want you to leave!
Nona:  Oh, honey, you'll be all right.
Sam:  [sobs]  No, I won't!
Nona:  Sam.
[Pearphone rings]
Nona:  I think that's your phone ringing.
Sam:  [answers Pearphone]  Who is it?
Dice:  [in Phoenix]  Sam?
Sam:  [in LA]  What do you want?
Dice:  [in Phoenix]  I got good news and bad news.
Sam:  [in LA]  What?
Dice:  [in Phoenix]  Well, I got the cover of the magazine.
Sam:  [in LA]  Wow, yeah, great. What's the bad news?
Dice:  [in Phoenix]  One of the other boys is being taken to a scalp hospital.
Sam:  [in LA]  That's it?
Dice:  [in Phoenix]  No. Cat's being arrested.
(The police puts handcuffs on Cat)
Cat:  I mean, it really looks like a wig.
Sam:  [in LA]  Wait, Cat was really arrested?
Dice:  [in Phoenix]  Yes.  You got to get Nona to come to Arizona and bail her out or else Cat's going to be in jail for two weeks.
Sam:  [in LA]  Okay, I'll tell Nona.  Bye.
Dice:  [in Phoenix]  Bye.
Nona:  [in LA]  Who was that?
Sam:  Oh, that was Dice and Cat.
Nona:  Oh, are they coming back here?
Sam:  No.
Nona:  What's going on?
Sam:  [lies]  They decide to stay in Phoenix for two more weeks, so Cat says you should stay here and take care of me until she gets back.
Nona:  Really?
Sam:  I promise.
Nona:  Well, I guess I better start dinner, then.  [laughts]
Sam:  Yep.  Yes, you should.
[Sam starts lying on the couch]


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