Sam & Cat

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Sam & Cat is an American teen sitcom that premiered June 8, 2013, on Nickelodeon and ran until its cancellation on July 17, 2014. It is a spin-off of both iCarly and Victorious.

Episodes[edit]

#Pilot [1.01][edit]

Sam: I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate.
Cat: Are you saying what I think you're saying?!
Sam: Yeah.
Cat: Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?!
Sam: I already found you a roommate!
Cat: [throws her money on the couch] Shut up, who is she?!
Sam: Me!
Cat: Oh my god! [runs and hugs Sam] This is the best day ever! So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage.
Sam: Isn't it?
Taco Truck Owner: Hey! Aren't you Sam from iCarly?
Sam: Are you a cop?
Taco Truck Owner: No.
Sam: Then Yeah, I'm Sam.
Cat: What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?
Sam: If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that?
Dice:  You look like Sam from that web show iCarly.
Sam:  Nah, that chick is way hotter than me.
Cat:  (giggles) She is Sam!
Dice:  Woah, you're awesome!
Sam:  Yeah.
[Cat gets into the sofa bed next to Sam]
Sam:  Uh, what are you doing?
Cat:  I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared.
Sam:  I'm not gonna get scare— Oh, whatever.
Cat:  So, how long you going to be in L.A.?
Sam:  Uh… I don't know.
Cat:  Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle?
Sam:  Eh, I'm in no rush. I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job.
Little girl:  Can you take Darby?  He's heavy!  [hands the baby to Cat]
Cat:  No, you guys, I gotta go!  Here.  [hands the baby to Sam]
Sam:  Woah, I don't want this beast!  [places the baby in a flower pot]  Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.
Nona:  [inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids]  Aah!
Cat:  Nona!
Sam:  Nice sack.
Sam:  What happened to you?
Nona:  Those little demons happened to me!
Dice:  And guess what I got today?
Cat:  Ooh, is it something?
Dice:  I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry.  I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber—
Cat:  How much for the Bieber?!
Dice:  Thirty dollars.
Cat:  I'll take it!
Sam:  Hey!  Don't pick up that trash can!  There's a girl in there!
Cat:  Oh, my god!  [gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck]
Sam:  C'mon, elderlies love living with other elderlies!  They eat dinner at four o'clock and talk about pills.
Cat:  [pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed]  That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed.
Cat:  Oh, please!  You saved me from being squished in garbage!  Let me repay you with the gift of bathing!
Dice:  Save your snot!
Sam:  You're a weird kid!
Sam:  You got another robe I could wear?  You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow.
Cat:  [loudly into a megaphone]  I'm stopping my vehicle!
Cat:  Hi!  What's wrong?
Young boy:  We can't find our cat.
Cat:  Shut up, my name is Cat!
Young boy:  Can you help us find our cat?
Sam:  How much Bieber did you sniff?!
Sam:  And why is there a battery in my burrito?
Sam:  Let's see.  You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20.  [gives Cat $20]
Cat:  Ooo, thank you!
Cat:  We have to give him C-3PO!
Sam:  CPR?
Cat:  Okay, we'll try that first!
Cat:  Where's my Nona?!
Cat:  Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight?
Nona:  Hmm…sure. I assume you don't have a prison record.  [laughs with Cat]
Sam:  Yeah…you assume that.
Cat:  Who's gonna make me soup?
Nona:  You can learn.
Cat:  I can?
Nona:  Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl, and put it in the microwave.
Cat:  Wait, slow down…
Cat:  You left the baby in the bush!?
Sam:  I'm getting the baby!
Cat:  Bye!  [gum falls out of her mouth and into a trash can]  Dang it!  My gum fell out of my mouth!
Cat: I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna fuke!
Sam: How was school?
Cat: Learn-y.
Cat: Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun!
Sam: Not so much for this guy. [picks up a dead rat and throws it away]
Sam: Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs.
Cat: I can't help it! He smells so talented!
[Cat starts tickling Sam on the motorcycle]
Sam: Don't tickle me.
[Cat stops, puts her fingers in Sam's ears]
Sam: Take your fingers out of my ears.
[Cats removes fingers, starts drumming on Sam's helmet with her hands]
Sam: This is gonna be a long ride.

#FavoriteShow [1.02][edit]

Cat:  Our first real customer!  Now we're professional babysitters!  Shh!  Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this.
Sam:  He's three feet away.
[Cat turns around and the customer waves at her]
Cat:  Woop woop woop!  Shh!  Be cool!
Sam:  I'll try to control myself.
Sam:  Try to escape, eh?  Well, now you go in the hole, see?  [eats the bone rib]
Sam:  Okay, Math.  Let's see.  [looks at the t.v.]  Channel two plus channel five equals channel seven.
Sam:  That show was a big hit!  What kind of t.v. network cancels a big hit?!
Cat:  It's insane!  They're not even gonna do a big final episode!
Sam:  What?!
Little boy:  Can someone read me a story?
Cat:  No.
Little boy:  Is toothpaste a vegetable?
Sam:  No.
Little boy:  Can I jump off the roof?
Sam & Cat:  Yes.
Sam:  Look, on t.v. shows, they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana.
Cat:  Oh!  That's so clever.
[door bell goes "ding dong"]
Cat:  Ding dong.
Sam:  Why'd you do that?
Cat:  Do what?
Dice:  Aww, you're sweet.
Sam:  [removes Dice's hat, pulls him toward her by his shirt]  Never call me sweet.
Sam:  You know what you need?
Cat:  My own unicorn?

#TheBritBrats [1.03][edit]

Ruby:  Wait!
Nona:  Yes?
Gwen:  We want to buy that card.
Cat:  But I'm buying it.  Here's my $5.
Gwen:  I'll give you $10 for that card.
Cat:  I'll pay you $50 for that card.
Gwen:  $100!
Cat:  $200!
Nona:  [brings her hand up to her heart]  Ugh, my pace maker!
Gwen:  Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500!
[everyone in the room gasps]
Nona:  I'm sorry, but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl.
Cat:  But…but…but…
Ruby:  Yes!
[the two girls walk off, then they turn around and blow raspberries at Cat]
Sam:  The next number is…G41.
[everyone awws]
Gwen:  Yes!  Look, Ruby, we got another one!
Ruby:  We should go to Vegas!
Sam:  Okay, the next number is… [sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls] …ahh, there's a scratch on this number; I should probably just throw this one in the trash—
Gwen:  Just say the number!
Ruby:  Get on with it!
Sam:  …B7.
Gwen & Ruby:  Bingo!!
[everyone awws]
Gwen:  We just won a giant television machine!
Ruby:  Wooo!
Cop:  [enters whistling]  Okay, this is a raid.
[everyone gasps]
Nona:  We are being raided?
Cop:  This is an illegal bingo game.
Sam:  Since when is bingo illegal?
Cop:  When you're giving away a prize worth over $2,000.
Sam:  Cat!  You're running an illegal bingo game!
Cat:  But it was Nona's idea!
Nona:  I don't even know these girls!
Cat:  That snack…that snack she's eating!  Is she eating… [grabs the little girl eating bibble, smells her breath]
Ruby:  Bibble!
[Cat lets go, walks backwards screaming]
Gwen:  You want some?
Cat:  No!  Yes!  I mean, how much bibble do you have?!
Gwen:  We brought a big tin jug of it…
Ruby:  …from England.
[Cat screams, picks up and hugs both of the little girls]
Cat:  I'm baaaaaack!!  [runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen]  I got bibble!  I got bibble!!  I'm back and I got bibble!!  Woooooooo!!
Dice:  Did you get my money back?
Cat:  Yes!  At first.
Sam:  And then what?
Cat:  And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I bought!  Where's my spife?  [looks and finds her spife]  There's my spife!  [starts to open the jug of bibble]
Sam:  Wait, how much did you spend on that can?
Cat:  The can was free; I just paid for the bibble inside.
Dice:  How much?
Cat:  $500!  Plus my bike!  [points at Dice]  Don't judge me.  [carries on opening the bibble]
Sam:  You gave those little Brit brats all Dice's money?!
Cat:  And my bike!  Everybody clear?  Everybody up to speed?  I hope so 'cause I gotta eat me some bibble!  [opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs]
Cat:  Cotton swabs?!
Cat:  I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts.
Cat:  So what do you guys wanna do?
Gwen:  Oh, anything would be lovely.
Ruby:  Lovely.
Cat:  We could make some tea.
Sam:  You could do our laundry.
Cat:  We could play games.
Sam:  You could rub my feet.
Cat:  We could sing songs.
Sam:  While you rub my feet.
Dice:  Those little girls were supposed to sell me five new Pear Phone sixes.  And they sold me rocks!  Rocks!
Cat:  They're nice rocks.
Dice:  Who cares?!
Cat:  Any rock collector would.

#NewGoat [1.04][edit]

Cat:  Is that my toothbrush?
Sam:  Would I have a toothbrush that did this?
[music starts playing from the toothbrush, Cat starts dancing]
[doorbell]
Sam:  Here, pick a channel.  Nothing educational.
[the goat changes the t.v. channel; Sam opens the entrance door]
Sam:  Yeah?
Dilben:  Let me in.
Sam:  Why?
Dilben:  Thank you.  [watches a goat in the sofa]  Ahoy!  I knew I smelled an animal.
Sam:  Ahoy?
Dilben:  You're not allowed to have that beast in this building.
Sam:  Why are you wearing a cape?
Dilben:  Because I am.
Sam:  Are you a magician?
Dilben:  No.
Sam:  Superhero?
Dilben:  No.  I wear a cape because I like capes.
Sam:  Weirdos like capes.
Dilben:  [shows the printed papers]  See this here?
Sam:  No.
Dilben:  This paper.
Sam:  Did something poop on your forehead?
Dilben:  I command you to listen to me!
[Sam places two donuts on her ears]
Dilben:  This says, "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs.  No other animals allowed."
Sam:  Are caped weirdos allowed?
Dilben:  You're new to this building, aren't you?
Sam:  Kinda.
Dilben:  Well, I happen to be a big deal around here.  And you have one day to get rid of that goat.
Sam:  That's not a goat.
Dilben:  Is, too.
Sam:  It's a cat.
Dilben:  That's a lie.
Sam:  It's a small dog.
Dilben:  Another lie!
Sam:  So you have no friends?
Dilben:  Irrelevant!  Sign this, to show that you've been warned about your goat.
Sam:  I'm not signing anything.
Dilben:  You will sign it!  Or I won't leave.  [the next scene depicts Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  How dare you put my shirt around my waist and my pants around my torso!
Sam:  Thanks for stopping by.
Dilben:  You give me back my cape!
Sam:  No.
Dilben:  Why not?!
Sam:  Because young boys shouldn't wear capes.  [closes door]
Dilben:  [leaving]  Sherlock Holmes wore a cape.
[someone knocks the door twice]
Cat:  Come in, Dice.
Dilben:  I'm not Dice.  I'm—
Sam:  Get out.
Cat:  No.  Um, hi, Dilben!  Come in.  Would you like a muffin?
Dilben:  I spit on your muffins.
Cat:  You should try butter.
Dilben:  Your goat is still here.
Sam:  It's not our goat.
Cat:  We're just babysitting him.
Dilben:  Yeah, right.
Sam:  Hey, you got another cape.
Dilben:  I wanna speak to your grandmother.
Cat:  My Nona?
Dilben:  Get her.
Sam:  She doesn't live here anymore.
Dilben:  Whaaat?
Cat:  She moved to Elderly Acres.
Sam:  Yup.
Dilben:  Interesting.  And who else lives here with you two?
Cat:  Nobody.
Dilben:  Delicious.
Sam:  What are you yammin' about?
Dilben:  Building rules!  All apartments must have at least one adult resident.  And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat!  My father has two reasons to throw you out!  [tries to leave the house but Sam interrupts him]
Sam:  Dilben.
Dilben:  Yeeees.
Sam:  Before you go… [the next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, once again kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Enjoy your Saturday.
Dilben:  I still have one more cape!
Sam:  Suck a truck.  [closes door]
Dilben:  [leaving]  I will not suck a truck!  Or enjoy my Saturday!
Sam:  [opens door]  Alright, Dilben, you can have your cape back!  [Dilben runs to the door trying to get his cape back]  Whoops!  [closes the door; Dilben fails and leaves]
Nona:  Call Dr. Stanky.
Cat:  Dr. Stanky!
Sam:  Use your phone.
Cat:  Boys, boys, boys!  Fighting is never the answer!  Now let's try using our words.
Cat:  You know what they say, "Easy like a goat."
Sam:  Who says that?
Cat:  The goat keepers?
[doorbell]
Cat:  Ding dong.
Sam:  Ugh!  That's Dilben.
Cat:  Okay, Goomer, are you ready?
Goomer:  Yep.  I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you.
Cat:  No!  You're our uncle and you live here!
Goomer:  Uncle Fudge.
Sam and Cat:  No!
Cat:  [opens the entrance door]  Hi, Dilben.  This must be your dad.
Dilben's father:  May we come in?
Cat:  Well, sure.
Sam:  Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there.
Dice:  I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat!
Sam:  Shower with the goat!
Dice:  Oh!
Sam:  Bleh!
[Dice runs to the bathroom]
Dilben's father:  So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat.
Sam:  Not anymore.
Cat:  No more goat.
Dilben:  They had a goat.
Sam:  Well, now we don't.
Cat:  Sam!
Dilben:  And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up.
Sam:  By ourselves?
Cat:  Uncle Goomer?  [Goomer doesn't want to respond as he wishes to be called "Uncle Fudge"]
Sam:  Uncle Fudge?
Goomer:  Oh, hi.  I'm their uncle, and I live here.
Cat:  With us.
Goomer:  With them.
Sam:  And he's twenty-seven.
Cat:  Yup, wanna see his I.D.?
Sam:  They don't need to see his I.D.
Dilben's father:  I would like to see his I.D.
Goomer:  Sure, I got it right here in my pants.
Sam:  You don't need to show them your I.D.
Goomer:  Here it is.
[the goat bleats, runs to the room; Dice runs after it]
Dice:  Murf!  Come back here!
Dilben:  Ahoy!
Dilben's father:  That's a goat!
Sam:  Well, thanks for swinging by.
Dilben's father:  Now this says you live in Van Nuys.
Goomer:  Well…I'm so ashamed.
Dilben:  Ha!  You girls are outta here.
Cat:  But this is our home!
Sam:  Look if you want us outta here then you're gonna have to call the cops.
Unknown man:  [enters]  Dilben?  Are you in here?  Dilben!
Dilben:  Uh, what?!  I've never seen that man before in my life; go away, dad—uh…stranger.
Sam:  Who are you?
Unknown man:  Dilben's father.
Dilben:  No!
Cat:  Well, then who's this man?
Dilben's fake father:  All right then.  I can clear this up.  [runs out the house, scared]
Sam:  What is going on?
Cat:  This is getting kinda weird.
Goomer:  I'm Uncle Fudge.
Sam:  Shut up.
Dilben's true father:  Has Dilben been telling you that his father owns this building?
Cat:  Uh-huh.
Sam:  Yeah.
Dilben's true father:  Well, I don't.
Sam:  You're really his father?
Dilben's true father:  That's right.  He's embarrassed of me because of my job.
Cat:  What's your job?
Dilben's true father:  I sell—
Dilben:  Don't say it!
Dilben's true father:  I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women.
Dilben:  Oh, no!  Aaah!  [sits on the sofa, embarrassed]
Sam:  Yowza.
Cat:  Why is it such a big deal?
Dilben:  You think it's easy being unlikable and having a dad, who sells wide shoes to wide-footed women?!
Dilben's true father:  You think it's fun for me, having a son who wears capes?!
Dilben:  They're fashionable!
Sam:  Okay, ho ho hold on.  So…you're just an annoying kid who lives in this building?
Dilben's true father:  He certainly is.
Cat:  And you just sell wide shoes?
Dilben's true father:  To wide-footed women, yes.
Sam:  Well, since neither of you have any power over us… [the next scene shows Dilben and his true father with their shirts around their waists and their pants over their heads, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Bye!  [closes door]
Cat:  Murf sneezed on Goomer.
Goomer:  Bad dog.

#TextingCompetition [1.05][edit]

Cat:  She's always texting me about wazzing.
Sam:  Sometimes while I'm wazzing.
Mrs. Torso:  I thought I told you not to come.
Sam:  You did.
Mrs. Torso:  Then, why are you here?
Sam:  Oh, because we don't care what you say.
Cat:  [laughs]  She's so disrespectful!
Cat:  Vice President of what?
Sam:  I think it's the Vice President of America.
Cat:  Oh.  Do we know what his name is?
Sam:  Nah, we're just high school students.
Cat:  In school, we learned the ancient Indians used to weave rugs.
Mrs. Torso:  What are you, dumb?
Sam:  Hey! Weave her alone.
Cat:  [Laughs] She is all up in your business!

#BabysitterWar [1.06][edit]

Sam:  That red headed girl is done with her food.
Bugles:  Understood! [Takes Cat's food]
Cat:  No! [Angry at Sam] You lied to a robot!
Cat:  Look, there's a naked robot!
Sam:  Where?

#GoomerSitting [1.07][edit]

Cat: It's a machine!
Sam: Please don't show me what it does.
Cat: Watch what it does! [flips the switch] See? I flipped the switch, and then the machine flipped it back to its original position.
Sam: Please don't show me again.
Cat: Watch again!
Cat: I want five yo-yos.
Dice: You can have one yo-yo.
Cat: Five!
Dice: Four!
Cat: Three!
Dice: Two!
Cat: One!
Dice: Okay, one yo-yo.
Cat: Haha, sucker!

#ToddlerClimbing [1.08][edit]

Sam:  We're ceiling inspectors.
Cat:  Here to check your ceiling.
Sam:  It's the overhead kind. Put a check by that.
Cat:  Check by that!

#MommaGoomer [1.09][edit]

Sam:(to Goomer) What do we call your mom?
Cat: Oh, yeah, what's her last name?
Goomer: Same as mine: Merr. So just call her Mrs. Merr.
Sam: Wait, your last name is Merr?
Goomer: Yeah, my Daddy was French, so my first name is Gieux, and my last name is Merr. See? Gieux Merr.
Sam: Gieux.
Cat: Merr. Like what those three wise guys brought baby Jesus.
Sam: (to Sikowitz) We need to use this classroom.
Sikowitz: You strike me as pushy.
Cat: She can be pushy.
Sam: I can also be punchy and kicky.

Sam and Cat's Super Rockin' Fun Time Babysitting Service

#RevengeOfTheBritBrats [1.11][edit]

Cat:  That makes sense, even to me!
Nona:  These pork fingers are so spicy! Oh! My mouth is on fire! Oh!
Bugles:  [sprays Nona with fire extinguisher] Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

#MotorcycleMystery [1.12][edit]

Goomer:  Where's your motorcycle?
Sam:  Oh, it's right over—[sees motorcycle is gone]
Sam:  [violently shakes Cat] CAAAAAAAT! WAKE UP! Where is my motorcycle?! WHERE...IS...MY...MOTORCYCLE?!?!

Sam:  Hey!  This is America—you speak either English or Spanish!
Cat:  Excuse me!  I am looking for an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember.  Has anyone seen an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember?

#SecretSafe [1.13][edit]

Sam:  Anyway, don't look at it like we're babysitting ya.  You'll just be, like, crashing here with your two cool teenage buds.
Cat:  Cat and Sam.
Sam:  I don't like it when you say it that way.
Cat:  Sam and Cat.
Sam:  Better.
Sam:  Hello!  Dice!  You still there?  If you let us out now, I promise I won't break both of your legs!
Cat:  Hey, Sam.  Try to open the door to the safe so we can get outta here!
Sam:  Wow, why didn't I think of that?
Goomer:  What's the combination?
Cat:  Nine oh two nine one!
Sam:  That's our zip code.
Cat:  Five seven three two
Sam:  That's your phone number.
Cat:  I give up.

#OscarTheOuch [1.14][edit]

Cat: (to Oscar) But babysitting is supposed to make kids happy! Don't you wanna be happy?
Oscar: I don't know. What's it like?
Cat: Did you hear that?
Sam: You hear this? (snores)
[Whenever he gets injured]
Oscar: Predicament!
Mrs. Lurkin: Come on, Oscar. I'm taking you away from these irresponsible girls!
Oscar: No!
Mrs. Lurkin: What?
Oscar: First, you apologize to Sam and Cat.
Mrs. Lurkin: Apologize? For what?
Oscar: For shouting at them after they gave me the best day of my life. Yeah, I got hurt, real bad, but for the first time of my life, I actually had fun.
Cat: We had fun with you too, Oscar.
Sam: Kinda.
Mrs. Lurkin: Oscar, what is your point?
Oscar: That living life trying new things is worth getting a little hurt sometimes.
Cat: Yeah, haven't you heard the 47 songs about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

#DollSitting [1.15][edit]

Sam: I don't want to babysit.
Cat: We're getting paid double.
Sam: I like this plan.
Sam: Is there a spell in there that can turn my mom into a woman with a job?

#PeezyB [1.16][edit]

Peezy B (to Sam): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's your name, Goldilocks?
Sam: Puckett.
Peezy B: Well, guess what, Puckett?
Sam: What?
Peezy B: You got swag and you got spunk. You got that swaggy spunk!

#SalmonCat [1.17][edit]

Narrator (on Dice's laptop screen):  Heeeeeeeeyyyy kkkkkiiiiiddddssss.  It's time for the wet and wacky world of Salmon Cat.  Today's episode is about SSSSSHHHHHAAAAAARRRIIIINNNNNNGGGG.
Sam:  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Ugh.  This is TTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE.
Cat:  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Shh!  I like it!
Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Meow meow meow meow meow.  I've got a whole bag of candy!
Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  Oink, oink, oink!  Hi there, Salmon Cat!
Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Hi there, Octo Piggy!
Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  Can I have some candy?
Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Noooooooooo.
Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  But I was hoping you would SSSSSHHHHHHAAAAAARRRREEEE some of your candy with me!
Sam:  [sick of the show]  Okay.  I can't watch any more of this trash.

#Twinfection [1.18][edit]

Cat: Well, what movie did you see?
Sam: "Blood Monkeys: Chimpley Strikes Back."
Cat: [gasps] That's rated R!
Sam: So?
Randy: [angrily] That movie messed me up, man!
Cat: Well, I am really smart.
Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs] Say that again!
Cat: I said, "I am really smart".
Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs again]
Melanie: Now, why did I have to come here?
Sam: 'Cause I need to mess with my roommate's head.
Melanie: Okay...so I'm supposed to be you. [points at Sam]
Sam: No! You're gonna be evil, insane, wild, and dangerous.
Melanie: So...you.
Sam: Me...times a hundred.
Melanie: Wait, you mean the "twinfection" thing?
Sam: Uh-huh.
Melanie: Oh, Sam, you know no one's dumb enough to fall for that.
Sam: [laughs] Let me tell you a little about my roommate. [smiles]
Sam: I tricked Cat, I tricked Cat, I'm so cool 'cause I tricked Cat! [Myron and Byron jump up and start dancing] I tricked Cat with my twin sister!
Cat: What are-
Sam: Her name is Melanie and she's dancing too!
Cat: What are they doing here?
Sam: I don't know!

#MyPoober [1.19][edit]

Cat: (to Ellie) Let's make a deal. How about we buy you any two desserts you want and you throw Poober in the toilet?
Sam: Hey, Cat?
Cat: Hey.
Sam: How did Ellie know that our money was in the pineapple?
Cat: [nervously changes the subject] Umm....oh, Spanish Talk Radio! I wonder what they're saying, I'll turn it up. Oh.
Sam: [turns off the radio]
Cat: I know I shouldn't have told Ellie about the pineapple, but it seemed like a good move at the time.
Sam: Dang it, Cat!

#MadAboutShoe [1.20][edit]

Doctor:  Nurse, what is your name?
Sam:  Sally Meatballs. [Jumps out window]
Stacey:  I'm suspicious.

#MagicATM [1.21][edit]

Cat:  Officer. Officer. Could you turn on the radio?
Officer Kelvin:  Yeah, sure. Hey, and maybe later, we'll go get some pizza and go to the mall and meet some boys.
Cat:  I think he's being sarcastic.
Sam:  [sarcastic] No!
Cat:  Sam?
Sam:  What?
Cat:  Could you please pull over so I could put on my seat belt?
Sam:  No!
Sam:  Get the keys from the cop?
Cat:  Okay. Which one?
Sam:  The one I'm sitting on!

#Lumpatious [1.22][edit]

Lucas: (to his brother Jepson) Why you got to be so... lumpatious?!
Woman: Hmm, do you have an appointment?
Cat: Yeah, I made one online.
Woman: Cat Valentine and Samantha Pookay?
Sam: It's Puckett.
Woman: My screen says Pookay.
Cat: I'm pretty sure it's Pookay.
Sam: Shouldn't I know?
Cat: Yeah, you should!

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23][edit]

Dice: I'm in major trouble here.
Sam: No, you're not! 'Cause I'm gonna jump the tuna.
Dice: Yes.
Cat: You promised me you wouldn't.
Sam: Oh, what do you care? You can't like me very much if you're gonna flirt with my ex-boyfriend right in front of my face.
Cat: W-well you flirted with Robbie right in front of my face.
Sam: Oh, you mean like this? Mmm… that was some tasty Robbie.
Cat: Y'know what? Jump your stupid motorcycle over the tuna fish.
Freddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds dangerous.
Cat: It is… and I don't care what happens to you.
Cat: I thought you guys were fighting.
Sam: Why would we be fighting?
Cat: Well, you're both anti-social misfits, filled with anger and rage.
Jade: Wait. Is that why you haven't invited me over ever since you moved in?
Sam: And why you never wanted me to meet her?
Cat: Yeah.
Jade: What'd you think would happen?
Cat: Murder.
Jade: Do you wanna murder me?
Sam: No, I'm good.
Nona: Who are those boys in the water?
Jade: It's Frobbie! Somebody save Frobbie!
Freddie: Please don't call us that!
Cat: [Screams excessively until fainting]
Robbie: If you love Sam, why have you been going around Los Angeles fadoodling with Cat?
Freddie: I have not been "fadoodling" with Cat.
Cat: [Raises hands] You could've if you wanted to!

#YayDay [1.24][edit]

Sam: Ah, all right. I'll buy everyone a present for Yay Day.
Cat: Me too?
Sam: Swear no snooping?
Cat: Yes. Cross my bra.

#BrainCrush [1.25][edit]

Sam:  Do we have a hammer?
Cat:  No.
Sam:  [begins banging head into the door]
Cat:  Sam, don't do that!  Use this.
Sam:  I asked you if we had one of those!
Cat:  You asked me if we had a hammer.
Sam:  Well, what do you call that?
Cat:  A nail banger!

#BlueDogSoda [1.26][edit]

State regulator: What are you two, a couple of dummies? Blue Dog Soda has been banned in California!
Cat: Banned?!
Sam: Whaaaaaat?!
Cat: Why?
State regulator: 'Cause there's too much sugar in it and thanks to me, the State Bureau of Interference has passed a law: It is now illegal to sell or to drink Blue Dog Soda.
Sam: That's insane!
Cat: That's our favorite beverage.
State regulator: Too bad! Did you know that some people drink 10-12 bottles of this junk per day?
Cat: Well, we don't!
Sam: Yeah, but we drink, like, 1 or 2 a week!
State regulator: Yeah, well, some people drink too much of it.
Sam: So? Just 'cause some people drink too much of it, now nobody can have any?
State regulator: That's right! Because the public is too stupid to be trusted with things that they enjoy!
Chinese Woman: Wǒ bù xǐhuān nǐ shuōhuà de fāngshì! Wánquán bù hélǐ! ("I don't like the way you talk! It's completely unreasonable!")
State regulator: Shut up!
Worker Holding Box of Blue Dog: I'll take it myself.
Another Worker: Hey, watch out!
(Worker holding box of Blue Dog falls and spills all the Blue Dog)
Sam: [shrieks]
State regulator: So, you girls babysit?
Cat: Yeah.
Sam: Why, you gonna ban us from babysitting now, too?
State regulator: Nah. I have a kid, and I don't like him. So, maybe I'll dump him on you two for a while.
Sam: Pretty soon, we're gonna have all the Blue Dog Soda we want.
Cat: How?
Goomer: Harh.
Sam: I'm makin' it. I went online and did a ton of research, and pretty soon, I'm gonna have the exact formula.
Sam: We're making Blue Dog Soda as a protest. This is about doing what's right!
Dice: What do you mean?
Cat: Well, it's wrong that there are people out there who want to butt into everybody's business and tell us what we can and can't have!
Sam: Exactly.
Dice: Okay. So, then, what's the plan here?
Sam: We make enough Blue Dog Soda for ourselves and to sell to anyone who wants some.
Sam: [opens the door] It was Cat.
Cat: SAM!!!
State regulator: Look, are you two babysitters or not?
Sam: Listen, buddy, unless you got a warrant, you can't just come in here and b—babysitters?
State regulator: Yeah. Remember the flier? It said you two babysit.
Cat: We do.
State regulator: Good. [to Mitch] Mitch, get in here! [to Sam and Cat] This is my boy, Mitch. And I thought that maybe you two could babysit him for a few hours.
Sam: Oh, so you came here just 'cause you want us to babysit your kid?
State regulator: Yeah. And he's not much trouble. He just likes—what d'you like?
Mitch: Television, football, cheese.
State regulator: That sort of stuff.
Mitch: Why can't I just stay with you?
State regulator: Well, because Daddy has to go find some bad people and put them in jail.
Cat: What bad people?
State regulator: Somebody has been making illegal Blue Dog Soda and selling it.
Sam: No, those "jerks."
Cat: Yeah, "jerks."
State regulator: We don't know who it is, yet, but some genius copied the formula.
Cat (to Sam): Genius.
State regulator: We're gonna find 'em, we're gonna bust 'em, and we're gonna shut 'em down.
Sam: Okay.
Cat: You do that.
Mitch: How come?
State regulator: 'Cause sugar is bad.
Sam: Okay, so, you, uh, gonna shut down the people who make grape juice? 'Cause grape juice has a lot more sugar in it than soda has.
State regulator: Uh, n-no it doesn't.
Sam: Yeah, it does.
Cat: Grape juice has lots more sugar than soda.
Sam: So, you gonna ban grape juice?
State regulator: L-look, I am not interested in facts! So, anyway, I'll be back to pick up the kid later.
Mitch: I love you, Daddy.
State regulator: Don't embarrass me.
State regulator: You Blue Dog Soda punks are in serious trouble!
Sam: Why?
State regulator: Why?!
Sam: What's your problem?
Cat: Yeah, what's wrong with making a tasty soda that everybody loves?
Dice: Which we wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't banned Blue Dog Soda in the first place!
Goomer: Has anybody seen the butt-scratcher?
Cat: What's your problem with Blue Dog?
State regulator: My problem is that some people drink too much of it and that's not healthy.
Sam: So? Some people eat too many sandwiches; you gonna ban sandwiches?
Cat: Oh, and roller coasters! What if a kid decided to ride roller coasters all day long everyday? He'd flunk out of school!
Dice: You gonna ban roller coasters?
Sam: And what about sleeping? I mean, if a person sleeps way too long, they're gonna wake up in a pile of their own poop.
Cat: You gonna ban sleeping?
Goomer: And pooping?
Dice: And what about hugs?
Sam: Right!
Dice: If you hug someone real tight for too long, you could kill 'em.
Goomer: That is true.
Sam: So, maybe you should ban hugging.
Dice: Why don't you just ban everything?
Cat: Yeah! Because too much of anything could be bad for you, but it's not fair to punish everybody.
Sam: Just 'cause some people can't control themselves.
Goomer: Don't you think people oughta be free to choose?
Cat: This is America.
Dice: The 7th-smartest country in the world.
Sam: And we don't need people like you telling everybody what we can and can't do.
[the audience cheers. The State Regulator sits down, crying]
Mitch: Dad, what's wrong?
State regulator: They're right! I'm so stupid!
Sam: To Blue Dog!
Cat: And to freedom! [the quartet celebrates their victory with bottles of Blue Dog Soda]

#BlooperEpisode [1.27][edit]

People: Ariana, will you take our picture?
Ariana Grande (Cat): Uh… sure. Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right?
People: No. Oh, no. We want a picture with Jennette.
Jennette McCurdy (Sam): Oh, yeah. L.O.L.

#FresnoGirl [1.28][edit]

Sam: Did you get a B?
Kim: [sadly] No. [happily] I got an A!
Cat: We trickered you into thinking she failed!
Sam: Ah, so I guess you want money now.
Matyoo: [laughs] Yes. [picks up Pear Pad] Your total with tax comes to $156.20
Cat: What?!
[Sam coughs]
Matyoo: Is there an issue?
Cat: $150!?
Sam: For a doll?!
Matyoo: For a Fresno Girl doll.
Sam: My mom's had butt surgery that didn't cost that much!
Kim: You guys, if it's too much money, you don't have to buy Gabriella for me. I'm used to being disappointed.

#StuckInABox [1.29][edit]

Sam: [walks in the apartment and sees Cat pedaling her bike which is hanging from the ceiling] Whoa! Not the weirdest thing I've ever walked in on here.
Goomer: [riding Cat's bike that's hanging from the ceiling] Look at me! I'm going nowhere!
Sam: Yeah, that pretty much sums up your life.
Sam: (to Dice) Dice, go clean up our kitchen.
Dice: No!
Sam: Then why are you here?

#SuperPsycho [1.30][edit]

Cat: Hey! Who wants to try my hot crapple pie?
Sam: Let's answer together!
Dice: Let's sing the answer!
Dice and Sam: [sings] Nobody!

#DroneBabyDrone [1.31][edit]

Nona: Flying robits?!
Sam: Robits?
Cat: That's what she calls robots.
Sam: Why would she call robots robits?
Dice: 'Cause she's old.
Nona: [sprays Dice with a hose. She smiles] I may be old, but who's wet?
Cat: Do you guys hear that?
Sam: The drone!
[Everyone runs to the door]
Cat: I don't see it!
Sam: Me, neither.
Dice: Maybe it's coming from the other way.
[Everyone runs to the other door]
Cat: Oh, I see it!
Sam: That's the moon!
Cat: Dang it!
Nona: Over there!
Sam: There it is!
Cat: OMG! Hi, drone
Dice: It's so cool
Sam: Man, it's coming pretty fast.
Cat: Real fast.
Nona: Where is it gonna land?
[Drone smashes through window]
Cat: It's here!
Sam: Beef stick.
Cat: Enormous man's underpants.
Drone: Thank you for shopping at Zappathon.com.
Dice: How great is technology?

#FirstClassProblems [1.32][edit]

Sam: Okay, here's your water.
Kelly: What's this?
Sam: Oh, it's from France. It's called "Aqua Toilette."
Philip: France. Merci.
Cat: "Toilette." That kinda sounds like toilet. [Sam whispers in Cat's ear]
Cat: Oh, God.
Cat: Hot rags!
ID Checker: Shut Up!
Security Woman: Bags on the belt. Shoes off.
Cat: Excuse me! I'm assuming those in First Class don't have to take off their shoes.
Security Woman: Yes, you do.
Cat: But the floor looks really dirty and sticky.
Sam: I got this.
[Sam lifts Cat onto conveyor belt and takes off Cat's shoes]

#KnockOut [1.33][edit]

Cat: (about Rita Rooney) But-but that's a girl.
Goomer: Yeah, the meanest girl in the world. She's cruel.
Dice: Wait, you're saying that the person picking on you is a girl?
Sam: [pushes him] Shut up.
Dice: Ow.

#WeStealARockStar [1.34][edit]

Sam: Hey, you! [approaches Brody] Uh, can I borrow your spear gun?
Brody: I don't know. Are you a fellow spear fisherman?
Sam: [imitates Brody] No, no! I am a spear fisherwoman!

#GettinWiggy [1.35][edit]

[last lines of the series'YOU'RE THE BEST ROOMMATE EVER DON'T LEAVE PLZ]
[in Nona's apartment]
Sam: Hey, Nona. What goes…? Hey, what are you doing?
Nona: Well, I'm getting ready to go back to Elderly Acres.
Sam: What? No! What? No. You can't leave! Well, come on! What's for dinner? I mean, let's go, right? Mac and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese, huh?
Nona: I got a phone call. I can go back now. The funk mites are gone.
Sam: Well, that's great, but—
Nona: And Cat's coming home tonight, and she's going to need her bed back.
Sam: But… but I don't want you to leave!
Nona: Oh, honey. You'll be all right.
Sam: [sobs] No, I won't!
Nona: Sam. [Pearphone rings] I think that's your phone ringing.
Sam: [answers Pearphone] Who is it?
Dice: Sam?
Sam: What do you want?
Dice: I got good news and bad news.
Sam: What?
Dice: Well, the good news is I got the cover of the magazine.
Sam: Wow. Yeah, great. What's the bad news?
Dice: One of the other boys is being taken to a scalp hospital.
Sam: That's it?
Dice: No, Cat's being arrested.
[The police puts handcuffs on Cat]
Cat: I mean, it really looks like a wig.
Sam: Wait, Cat was really arrested?
Dice: Yes. You got to get Nona to come to Arizona and bail her out, or else Cat's going to be in jail for 2 weeks.
Sam: Really? Okay, I'll try to tell Nona if I can. Bye.
Dice: Bye.
Nona: Who was that?
Sam: Oh, that was Dice and Cat.
Nona: Oh, are they coming back here?
Sam: Um, no.
Nona: What's going on?
Sam: [lying] They decide to stay in Phoenix for 2 more weeks, so Cat says you should stay here and take care of me until she gets back.
Nona: Really?
Sam: I promise.
Nona: Well, I guess I better start dinner then. [laughs]
Sam: Yep. Yes, you should. [starts lying on the couch]

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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