Seinfeld (season 1)

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Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "show about nothing", it is generally considered one of the most popular, influential sitcoms of all time.

Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that.

The Seinfeld Chronicles (Pilot) [1.1][edit]

George: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area.
George: You know, a hug: definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is definitely good.
George: Sure.
Jerry: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?
George: That's so brutal, I hate that.
Jerry: You know how they do that?
George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad.
Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?
George: Hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George: I see. Well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.

Jerry: Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it…? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

The Stakeout [1.2][edit]

Jerry: There's something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?"

Jerry: [while playing Scrabble] "Quone"?
Helen: ...30...31...
Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
[Jerry picks up the dictionary]
Helen: ...32...
Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry: I am challenging.
Kramer: Quone. To quone something.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
[Jerry looks up the word]
Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore.
Morty: Quone's not a word.
Jerry: [showing the dictionary] No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Helen: [to Kramer] Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.

The Robbery [1.3][edit]

Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?
Kramer: [Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today... it has only one design flaw: the door... [closing door] MUST BE CLOSED!!
Kramer: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!
Jerry: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.
Kramer: I made a mistake.
Elaine: These things happen.
Kramer: I'm human
Jerry: In your way.

Jerry: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think: "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, he's a PENGUIN!

Male Unbonding [1.4][edit]

George: She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
George: That or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: That's worse.

Elaine: Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?
Jerry: Where?
Elaine: I don't care. I'm not hungry.
Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Elaine: What are we gonna do there, talk?
Jerry: We can talk.
Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Jerry: Then we'll just sit there.

The Stock Tip [1.5][edit]

I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor.
George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
George: I don't know but he ain't funny.

Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
Elaine: I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
Elaine: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?
Jerry: I'm no cat killer.
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