Seinfeld (season 9)
Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "show about nothing", it is generally considered one of the most popular, influential sitcoms of all time.
The Butter Shave [9.1]
- George: What is Holland?
- Jerry: What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.
- George: No, that's the Netherlands.
- Jerry: Holland is the Netherlands.
- George: Then who are the Dutch?
- [Elaine and Puddy are in Europe for a month.]
- Kramer: A month in Europe with Elaine? That guy's coming home in a body bag.
The Voice [9.2]
- Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
- Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
- Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
- Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!
- Jerry: So, what’s going on?
- George: Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. They’ve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I’m like Hitler’s last days here.
- Jerry: So, are you going to leave?
- George: Oh, no! I’m vigilant. They’ll never get me out. I’m like a weed, Jerry.
- Jerry: I thought you’re like Hitler in the bunker?
- George: I’m a weed in Hitler’s bunker.
- Jerry: I’m getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff.
The Serenity Now [9.3]
- Frank: Serenity now! Serenity now!
- George: What is that?
- Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say "Serenity now!"
- George: Are you supposed to yell it?
- Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
- Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
- Elaine: Where did that come from?
- Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
- Elaine: [intimidated] No.
- Jerry: Good.
- George: Hello, MR. FARNEMAN?! YOU WANNA BUY A COMPUTER?! NO?! WHY NOT?! All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you!
The Blood [9.4]
- Kramer: Anyway, you're lucky I was there. You lost a lot of blood.
- Jerry: (nervous) ...What?
- Kramer: Yeah. You got three pints of Kramer in ya, buddy!
- (Jerry screams. Trying to calm him down, Kramer starts screaming too)
- Jerry: Well, the doctors say I got some more blood, so it looks like I owe you again.
- Kramer: (confused) You didn't get the blood from me...
- Jerry: Then who...?
- (Newman walks in, with gauze on his arm)
- Newman: (grinning) Hello, Jerry.
- (Jerry screams. Kramer joins him. Newman looks confused, then starts screaming with them.)
The Junk Mail [9.5]
- Woman: [indicating Kramer's dummy] Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
- Kramer: Because we are blind to their tyranny.
- Woman: Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?
- Kramer: Yeah uh move along Betty.
- Jerry: So, you wanna grab a bite?
- George: I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
- Jerry: So call now.
- George: I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes; a few "you were rights". It's a whole procedure.
The Merv Griffin Show [9.6]
- Kramer: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
- Jerry: Oh, my God!
- Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set!
- Jerry: How did you get this in here?
- Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
- Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?
- Kramer: Yeah... backstage.
- Jerry: I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
- Kramer: Well what’s the difference -- Come on, we're like Cain and Able.
- Jerry: Yeah, you know Cain slew Abel.
- Kramer: No he didn’t. They were in business together… it was dry wall, or somethin’.
- Jerry: Oh, no.
- Kramer: All right then, what was it?
- Jerry: Well I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
- Kramer: The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.
The Slicer [9.7]
- George: Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter.
- Jerry: Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor.
- George: Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on.
- George: You simply must apologize.
- Jerry: Must I?
- George: Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.
- Jerry: How does that affect me?
The Betrayal [9.8]
- George: So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? [suspicious] Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?
- Jerry: Are you?
- George: whispering Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!
- Jerry: That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.
The Apology [9.9]
- Kramer: You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.
- Jerry: That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
- Kramer: Showering. How long does it take you?
- Jerry: Ten minutes.
- Kramer: Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
- Elaine: Ten minutes.
- Kramer: Let me smell you.
- Elaine: All right. Whiff away.
- Kramer: [after delicately sniffing Elaine] Uh... that's not bad at all.
- George: So she coughed.
- Jerry: Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man.
- George: Everything goes with naked.
- Jerry: When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.
- George: You spoiled, spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?
- Jerry: But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad.
The Strike [9.10]
- Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. And as I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way.
- Kramer: What happened to the doll?
- Frank: It was destroyed, but out of this came a new holiday, 'a Festivus for the rest-of-us.'
- Kramer: That must of been some doll.
- Frank: SHE was!
- Frank: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
- Kramer: And is there a tree?
- Frank: No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
- Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
The Dealership [9.11]
- Jerry: Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!
- George: Shh. What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here!
- Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
- David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
- Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
- David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
- Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
- David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
- Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
- David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's all right. High-five.
The Reverse Peephole [9.12]
- Jerry: Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
- Silvio: That is your coat?
- Jerry: It sure is.
- Silvio: Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.
- Jerry: That's true.
- Kramer: Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!
- Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.
- Elaine: Why?
- Newman: To prevent an ambush.
- Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
- Jerry: But then anyone can just look in and see you.
- Kramer: Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."
The Cartoon [9.13]
- Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?
- George: Ah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face... hmm, her eyes, her mouth, nose...
- Elaine: We know what a face consists of.
- Jerry: [reading the latest Ziggy comic] "The New Yorker's stealing my jokes". Ha, now that's funny... because it's true.
The Strongbox [9.14]
- [Elaine's new boyfriend is poor]
- Jerry: We found out his super power is lack of money.
- Elaine: Very funny.
- Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
- Elaine: Ha ha.
- Jerry: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
- Elaine: All right, that's enough.
- George: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
- Elaine: Well crafted. '[leaves, comes back] I forgot my glasses.
- Jerry: He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
- Elaine: Keep 'em.
- George: Maura I uh, I want you to know I've given this a lot of thought I'm sorry, but we uh we have to break up.
- Maura: No.
- George: What's that?
- Maura: We're not breaking up.
- George: We're not?
- Maura: No.
- George: [pauses for a moment] Alright.
The Wizard [9.15]
- George: What's that?
- Jerry: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
- George: How much was it?
- Jerry: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
- George: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
- Jerry: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street. Maybe it's hot — that's his favorite.
- Elaine: So Kramer's running for president of the condo?
- Jerry: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes.
- Elaine: Who are they running against?
- Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
The Burning [9.16]
- Jerry: So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
- Elaine: "It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?
- Jerry: I thought so.
- Elaine: She's not a me. I'm a me.
- George: I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
- George: I had 'em Jerry. They loved me.
- Jerry: And then?
- George: I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.
- Jerry: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off.
The Bookstore [9.17]
- George: I can't return the book. It's been flagged in every Brentano's in town. So instead I'm going to steal it, return it, get my money back, and then everything will be even.
- Jerry: You defile one book, steal another, get your money back, and that seems even to you?
- Kramer: Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he phhhffew! He bolted.
- Jerry: Well, you know, 85% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fall within the first three months.
- Kramer: [to Newman] See, we should've gotten some collateral from him...like his bag of cans, or...his other bag of cans...
The Frogger [9.18]
- Jerry: Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
- George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.
- Jerry: I remember that night.
- George: Oh, I was UNSTOPPABLE! The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
- Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains.
- Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
- George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.
- Kramer: Believe me George; you can count on Slippery Pete.
- George: Slippery Pete?
- Kramer: Yeah, I don't care for the name either.
The Maid [9.19]
- George: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
- Jerry: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
- George: The nickname... George, what is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
- Jerry: You mean like Liza?!
- George: I was thinking T-Bone.
- Jerry: But there's no T in your name. What about G-Bone?
- George: There's no G-Bone.
- Jerry: There's a G-Spot.
- George: That's a myth.
- [Kramer calling Jerry to pick him up from downtown]
- Jerry: Where are you?
- Kramer: I don't know
- Jerry: What street are you on?
- Kramer: [looks around] I'm on First and... First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!
The Puerto Rican Day [9.20]
- Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
- Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!
- Kramer: Oh, no.
- Bob: Him?
- Cedric: That's not very nice.
- Jerry: See ya around, Maroon Golf! Oh and by the way, that was a "I'm not sorry wave"?
- Maroon Golf: What was that?
- Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off! Because Black Saab rules! So long, jackass!
The Clip Show (1) [9.21]
- Jerry: [to audience] Oh, hello. Nine years: seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us. It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere... except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time.
- Mr. Costanza: Now, where's my boy?!!
- Mrs. Costanza: [with concerned hand gesture over chest] - Oh, my God ...
- Mr. Costanza: You see, my George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
- Elaine: [in a challenging aggressive tone] You got that right.
- Mr. Costanza: [angirly] What the hell does that mean?
- Elaine: It means whatever you want it to mean ... [while throwing a fist gesture up in the air]
The Clip Show (2) [9.22]
The Finale (1) [9.23]
- [Newman is begging Jerry to take him to Paris.]
- Newman: Please! Take me with you! Please!
- Jerry: Get off me! You're making me sick! Be a man!
- Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
- George: [as the plane is about to crash] Jerry! Can you hear me?
- Jerry: Yeah.
- George: There's something I have to tell you!
- Jerry: What is it?
- George: I cheated in the contest!
- Jerry: What?
- George: The contest! I cheated!
- Jerry: What? Why?
- George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.
- Jerry: Great! I won!
The Finale (2) [9.24]
- Hoyt: State your name.
- Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.
- Hoyt: Could you spell that?
- Soup Nazi: No! Next question.
- Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
- George: Really?
- Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it: it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
- George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
- Jerry: You think?
- George: I think we have.
- Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.