Seinfeld (season 8)
Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "show about nothing", it is generally considered one of the most popular, influential sitcoms of all time.
The Foundation [8.1]
[edit]- Jerry: It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
- Elaine: You've never felt remorse.
- Jerry: I know. I feel bad about that.
- George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?
- Jerry: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
- George: What is that?
- Jerry: Star Trek 2.
- George: Wrath of Khan!
- Jerry: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
- George: [somber] It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
- Jerry: Yeah.
The Soul Mate [8.2]
[edit]- Newman:
- Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
- And fondled his muscled heart.
- He imbibed her glistening spell,
- Just before the other shoe fell.
- Jerry: I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
- Newman: I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.
- Jerry: I thought we were talking about me.
- Newman: Right.
- Jerry: Anyway, I don't need your help. [turns to leave]
- Newman: Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?
- Jerry: Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?
- Newman: Well, there is a little something you can do for me...
- Jerry: C'mon, out with it.
- Newman: It's about...Elaine.
- Jerry: Elaine? What does she have to - [pause] Oh no...
- Newman: You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!
The Bizarro Jerry [8.3]
[edit]- Elaine: [to Jerry, talking about the Bizarro versions of Jerry, George and Kramer] Well, I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event!
- Kramer: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
- Mr. Leland: Kramer, I've... been reviewing your work... Quite frankly, it stinks.
- Kramer: Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
- Mr. Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all... I don't know what this is supposed to be!
- Kramer: Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead.
- Mr. Leland: Well, I'm sorry, but there's just no way that we could keep you on.
- Kramer: I don't even really work here!
- Mr. Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.
The Little Kicks [8.4]
[edit]- George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
- Jerry: Elaine danced?!
- George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
- Frank: I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? [He hits George in the head]
- George: Ow! Dad...
- Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
- Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
- Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
- Elaine: You got that right.
- Frank: What the hell does that mean?
- Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
- Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
- Elaine: I'd drop you like a bag of dirt.
- Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!
The Package [8.5]
[edit]- Jerry: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
- Kramer: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
- Jerry: But you were supposed to get me a refund.
- Kramer: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
- Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
- Kramer: It's just a write-off for them.
- Jerry: How is it a write-off?
- Kramer: They just write it off.
- Jerry: Write it off what?
- Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
- Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
- Kramer: Do you?
- Jerry: No. I don't.
- Kramer: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
- [Jerry is being investigated by Newman for mail-fraud]
- Newman: Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
- Jerry: Define "rarely".
- Newman: Frequently.
The Fatigues [8.6]
[edit]- Bania: [reading Jerry's note] "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine." That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
- Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.
- Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.
The Checks [8.7]
[edit]- Jerry: See that salesman, twirling that umbrella?
- Elaine: Uh huh.
- Jerry: I invented that.
- Elaine: That had to be invented?
- George: [about Elaine's boyfriend] He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
- Jerry: Who are any of her losers?
- George: You're on that list.
The Chicken Roaster [8.8]
[edit]- Jerry: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
- Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
- Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?
- Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!
- Jerry: It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it! The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers! He's hooked on the chicken! Isn't he?
- Newman: [desperately] Yes! Now, please, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard, pounds his hand on the counter twice and exhales]
- Elaine: You speak Burmese?
- Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?
- Elaine: No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood
- Peterman: Are you an assassin?
- Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog.
- Peterman: You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill?
- Elaine: Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here
- Peterman: I'd be happy to Elaine... but I will have to see this hat.
The Abstinence [8.9]
[edit]- Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
- Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days! By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothin' more than a shrunken head.
- George: Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.
- Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
- George: George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
- [hits another home run]
- Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
- George: Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
- Derek Jeter: Hey, we won the World Series.
- George: [derisively] In six games. [hits another home run]
The Andrea Doria [8.10]
[edit]- Jerry: You had more bread?
- Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
- Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
- George: I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained... [Scene cuts to another story] She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi... [Cuts to another story] The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage... [Scene cuts to another story] Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. [Gets up] Thank you. [George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing... ] Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members] Thanks again.
The Little Jerry [8.11]
[edit]- Kramer: Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
- Jerry: Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
- Kramer: Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]
- Jerry: Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
- Kramer: Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]
- Jerry: I sense something is afoot.
- Kramer: Yeah, I bought a chicken.
- George: Allow me. Why?
- Kramer: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
- Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
- Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
- George: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!
- Jerry You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
- Morty: And we want you to have the money.
- Jerry: I don't need the money.
- Morty: What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.
- Jerry: Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!
- Helen: Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.
- Kramer: Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.
- Helen: Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
- Jerry: Oh my god.
- Kramer: Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
- George: You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
- Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
- George: 20 years... that long?
- Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
- George: Unfortunately, yes.
- Jerry: How's your family history?
- George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.
- Jerry: Really?
- George: Aunt Baby.
The Comeback [8.13]
[edit]- George: Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
- [Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
- George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
- Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
- George: What does that mean?
- Jerry: Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
- George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
- Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
- Kramer: Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
- Elaine: Me?
- Kramer: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.
- Jerry: Oh, come on.
- The lawyer: Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
- Kramer: Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.
- Elaine: Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.
- The lawyer: Moving on.
- The lawyer: You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.
- Kramer: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
- Elaine: Okay.
- The lawyer: One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.
- Kramer: No, that's not my style.
The Van Buren Boys [8.14]
[edit]- Jerry: Who was the last president to have a beard?
- George: Nixon.
- Jerry: No, I mean a real thick beard.
- George: His was thick.
- Jerry: No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
- George: Falkmore.
- Jerry: Who?
- George: Artemis N. Falkmore.
- Jerry: You made that up, right?
- George: Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
- Jerry: Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard
- George: The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.
- Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
- George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.
- Elaine: I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.
The Pothole [8.16]
[edit]- Elaine: [after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?
- Jerry: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
- Elaine: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
- Jerry: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
- Elaine: Jer, do you see where this is going?
- Jerry: Being really clean and happy?
- Elaine: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
- Jerry: Disorder?
- Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
- Jerry: [thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.
- [Kramer, after spilling flammable paint thinner all over the road]
- Kramer : Bugger!
- [later, after realizing that the paint thinner is highly flammable]
- Kramer: Double bugger!
The English Patient [8.17]
[edit]- Lisa: How could you not love that movie?
- Elaine: How about, it sucked?
- Elaine: [quietly, watching The English Patient] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. [yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!
- J. Peterman: [surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?
- Elaine: [shouts] I hate it!
- [the audience shushes Elaine]
- Elaine: Oh, go to hell!
- [Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried George sits at the table.]
- Jerry: [disbelief] So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!
- [Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor.]
- George: [animated] Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.
- Jerry: George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
- George: [surprised] So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
- Jerry: I don't know, but you better keep it up.
- George: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. [grabs his coat] There's a new Neil in town! [triumphant laughter] Hahaha!
- [George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.]
- Jerry: [to himself] I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. [answers phone] Hello.
- [In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt.]
- Morty: Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?
- Jerry: I will, I just walked in the door.
- Helen: You have to go see him.
- Jerry: Ma.
- Morty: Helen, will you stop bothering him.
- Helen: Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.
- Morty: Number One, signing off.
- [The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated.]
- Kramer: Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. [shrill] What's going on!?
- Jerry: What?
- Kramer: [animated] They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
- Jerry: So?
- Kramer: So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.
- Jerry: What's the difference?
- Kramer: Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.
- Jerry: [confused] We're talking about people, right?
- Kramer: Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.
- Jerry: I thought they smelled pretty nice.
- Kramer: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
- Jerry: Is not.
- Kramer: Is too.
- Jerry: Is not.
- Kramer: Is too.
- Jerry: I'm not having this conversation.
- Kramer: Are too.
- Jerry: Am not.
- Kramer: Are too.
- Jerry: Am not.
- Kramer: Are too.
- [Kramer is having a meeting with Earl Haffler - the cigar-smoking, stetson-hat-and-string-tie-wearing, Texan businessman he encountered in The Diplomat's Club.]
- Haffler: Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.
- Kramer: [nervous] Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
- [He walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.]
- Kramer: They're right out here.
- [He calls a few words of gibberish Spanish out of the door, and the three guys stroll in. As if to convince Haffler they are in fact Cuban, they are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps.]
- Kramer: Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
- [Haffler regards the three guys for a second or two.]
- Haffler: You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you?
- Kramer: [fidgety] Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
- Haffler: [confusion] We're talking about people, right?
- Kramer: [puzzled] I think so.
- Haffler: I thought he quit smoking cigars.
- Kramer: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... [thinks for a second] ...Dennis.
- Haffler: [dubious] Dennis Castro?
- Kramer: Uh, Dwayne.
- Haffler: Get the hell outta my office.
- Kramer: [shrill] What!?
- Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
- Jerry: What is that smell?
- Kramer: That's East River.
- Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
- Kramer: Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
- Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
- Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
- Jerry: Swimming?
- Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.
- [A kid is looking through a telescope across the East River alongside his father and he sees Kramer swimming]
- Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
- Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
- Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
The Yada Yada [8.19]
[edit]- Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
- George: Really?
- Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
- Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
- Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
- Father Curtis: [in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.
- Jerry: Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
- Father Curtis: That's no sin.
- Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
- Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
- Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!
- Kramer: Listen to yourself! [putting on a disgusted face] What? You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream, Jerry.
- Jerry: Kramer, Whatley's from Jersey.
- Kramer: Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.
- Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
- Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
- Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite.
- Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.
- Jerry: They do have their own schools!
- Kramer: [in a skeptical surprised tone] - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
The Millennium [8.20]
[edit]- Jerry: Good meeting?
- George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
- Jerry: You can do that.
- George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"
- George: [dragging a World Series trophy behind a golf cart] Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it and rotate!
The Muffin Tops [8.21]
[edit]- Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
- George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.
The Summer of George [8.22]
[edit]- George: I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!
- [at the hospital after George fell down the stairs]
- Kramer: So how's George?
- Jerry: I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?
- Kramer: [holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.
- Jerry: What happened to you?
- Kramer: Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']
- [Elaine turns up, also bruised and with scars on her face]
- Jerry: What happened to you?
- Elaine: Raquel Welch.
