Seinfeld (season 8)

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Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "show about nothing", it is generally considered one of the most popular, influential sitcoms of all time.

Jerry: It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
Elaine: You've never felt remorse.
Jerry: I know. I feel bad about that.

George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?
Jerry: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George: What is that?
Jerry: Star Trek 2.
George: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
George: [somber] It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry: Yeah.
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
And fondled his muscled heart.
He imbibed her glistening spell,
Just before the other shoe fell.

Jerry: I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
Newman: I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.
Jerry: I thought we were talking about me.
Newman: Right.
Jerry: Anyway, I don't need your help. [turns to leave]
Newman: Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?
Jerry: Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?
Newman: Well, there is a little something you can do for me...
Jerry: C'mon, out with it.
Newman: It's about...Elaine.
Jerry: Elaine? What does she have to - [pause] Oh no...
Newman: You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!
Elaine: [to Jerry, talking about the Bizarro versions of Jerry, George and Kramer] Well, I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event!

Kramer: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
Mr. Leland: Kramer, I've... been reviewing your work... Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer: Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
Mr. Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all... I don't know what this is supposed to be!
Kramer: Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead.
Mr. Leland: Well, I'm sorry, but there's just no way that we could keep you on.
Kramer: I don't even really work here!
Mr. Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.
George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?!
George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.

Frank: I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? [He hits George in the head]
George: Ow! Dad...
Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I'd drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!
Jerry: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
Kramer: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
Jerry: But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's just a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.

[Jerry is being investigated by Newman for mail-fraud]
Newman: Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define "rarely".
Newman: Frequently.
Bania: [reading Jerry's note] "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine." That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.
Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.
Jerry: See that salesman, twirling that umbrella?
Elaine: Uh huh.
Jerry: I invented that.
Elaine: That had to be invented?

George: [about Elaine's boyfriend] He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
Jerry: Who are any of her losers?
George: You're on that list.
Jerry: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?
Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!
Jerry: It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it! The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers! He's hooked on the chicken! Isn't he?
Newman: [desperately] Yes! Now, please, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard, pounds his hand on the counter twice and exhales]

Elaine: You speak Burmese?
Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Elaine: No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood
Peterman: Are you an assassin?
Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog.
Peterman: You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill?
Elaine: Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here
Peterman: I'd be happy to Elaine... but I will have to see this hat.
Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days! By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothin' more than a shrunken head.

George: Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George: George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
[hits another home run]
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George: Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: Hey, we won the World Series.
George: [derisively] In six games. [hits another home run]
Jerry: You had more bread?
Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

George: I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained... [Scene cuts to another story] She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi... [Cuts to another story] The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage... [Scene cuts to another story] Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. [Gets up] Thank you. [George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing... ] Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members] Thanks again.
Kramer: Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
Jerry: Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
Kramer: Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]
Jerry: Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
Kramer: Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]
Jerry: I sense something is afoot.
Kramer: Yeah, I bought a chicken.
George: Allow me. Why?
Kramer: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
George: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

The Money [8.12]

Jerry You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
Morty: And we want you to have the money.
Jerry: I don't need the money.
Morty: What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.
Jerry: Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!
Helen: Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.
Kramer: Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.
Helen: Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
Jerry: Oh my god.
Kramer: Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.

George: You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
George: 20 years... that long?
Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
George: Unfortunately, yes.
Jerry: How's your family history?
George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.
Jerry: Really?
George: Aunt Baby.
George: Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
George: What does that mean?
Jerry: Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

Kramer: Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
Elaine: Me?
Kramer: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.
Jerry: Oh, come on.
The lawyer: Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
Kramer: Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.
Elaine: Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.
The lawyer: Moving on.
The lawyer: You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.
Kramer: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
Elaine: Okay.
The lawyer: One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.
Kramer: No, that's not my style.
Jerry: Who was the last president to have a beard?
George: Nixon.
Jerry: No, I mean a real thick beard.
George: His was thick.
Jerry: No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
George: Falkmore.
Jerry: Who?
George: Artemis N. Falkmore.
Jerry: You made that up, right?
George: Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
Jerry: Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard
George: The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.

Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!

The Susie [8.15]

George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.

Elaine: I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.
Elaine: [after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?
Jerry: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
Elaine: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
Jerry: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
Elaine: Jer, do you see where this is going?
Jerry: Being really clean and happy?
Elaine: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
Jerry: Disorder?
Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
Jerry: [thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.

[Kramer, after spilling flammable paint thinner all over the road]
Kramer : Bugger!
[later, after realizing that the paint thinner is highly flammable]
Kramer: Double bugger!
Lisa: How could you not love that movie?
Elaine: How about, it sucked?

Elaine: [quietly, watching The English Patient] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. [yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!
J. Peterman: [surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?
Elaine: [shouts] I hate it!
[the audience shushes Elaine]
Elaine: Oh, go to hell!

The Nap [8.18]

Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Kramer: That's East River.
Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Kramer: Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Jerry: Swimming?
Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

[A kid is looking through a telescope across the East River alongside his father and he sees Kramer swimming]
Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

Father Curtis: [in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
Father Curtis: That's no sin.
Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!

Kramer: Listen to yourself! [putting on a disgusted face] What? You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream, Jerry.
Jerry: Kramer, Whatley's from Jersey.
Kramer: Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite.
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
Kramer: [in a skeptical surprised tone] - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Jerry: Good meeting?
George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
Jerry: You can do that.
George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"

George: [dragging a World Series trophy behind a golf cart] Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it and rotate!
George: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.

Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.
George: I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!

[at the hospital after George fell down the stairs]
Kramer: So how's George?
Jerry: I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?
Kramer: [holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.
Jerry: What happened to you?
Kramer: Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']
[Elaine turns up, also bruised and with scars on her face]
Jerry: What happened to you?
Elaine: Raquel Welch.
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