Lt Col. Sheppard: Well, if there were any more Wraith, they would have attacked us by now.
Dr. Zelenka: Really?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: If it makes you feel better.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Maybe there's something wrong with him an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean.
Dr. McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: So he just looks crazy?
Dr. McKay: I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid here was in way over his head!
Dr. Zelenka: Yes! I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want to try and fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?
Dr. McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.
[Two white mice had been de-materialized, and re-materialized as black cinders]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color...
[McKay/Cadman is about to be dematerialized to separate Cadman's consciousness from McKay's body]
McKay/Cadman: [as Cadman] Wait. [walks over to Beckett and kisses him, causing the others to shift uncomfortably] Just in case it doesn't work. [McKay regains control and backs away in horror] Just... just... hit it!
Boy: I heard it has two heads, and can turn you to stone just by looking at you!
Dr. McKay: [impatient] Well, you heard wrong.
Boy: My uncle says it'll come and take me if I don't do my chores.
Dr. McKay: He said that, huh? Well then, if we get rid of it, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll never have to do chores ever again.
Dr. McKay[irritated] Yes. Look - go away!
Lt. Col. Sheppard[On Wraith physiology]: So it's a teenage thing? Pimples, rebellion, life-sucking?
Dr. Beckett: Something like that!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: McKay, stay here and help Beckett.
Dr. McKay: Medical research isn't really my thing.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And hunting the Wraith?
Dr. McKay: Uh, I meant I could stay, and... help... Beckett
Dr. McKay: Never could get into Biology. It's too much information about the human body. One time I took it as an undergraduate, I diagnosed myself with half a dozen separate medical conditions before I had to drop the class.
Dr. Beckett: [preoccupied looking through a microscope] Really?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, believe it or not, back then I was a bit of a hypochondriac.
Dr. Beckett: You know, this does require a bit of concentration.
Dr. McKay: [snarky and obnoxious] What? Am I bothering you?
[Dr. Beckett is wheeling Col. Sheppard into the Infirmary on a gurney]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: This really isn't necessary, Doc.
Dr. Beckett: Yes it is, you've got a serious laceration on your arm and you've lost a good deal of blood.
Dr. McKay: Well enjoy the ride, Colonel, they're making me walk.
Dr. Beckett: You have a splinter Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, a nasty, painful splinter.
[Dr. Beckett and a team of scientists are working on a way to cure Sheppard. Dr. Beckett suggests gene therapy]
Scientist: I have no doubt that we could program the cells if we had them, but we don't have the time to artificially create gene therapy of that magnitude without newer cells. The only samples we have are from a bug that died over a year ago.
Dr. Beckett: Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that we need to go on an egg hunt.
Dr. McKay: Maybe we should make a diversion.
Maj. Lorne: Are you volunteering?
Dr. McKay: I'll shut up.
[Before entering the cave full of iratus bugs McKay zips his collar up]
Dr. Beckett: You don't seriously think that's gonna help do ya?
Dr. McKay: Well, when they see your neck before mine, you won't think it's stupid.
(later) [Dr. Beckett zips up his jacket before going to collect eggs]
[Queen stares into space, hisses at Sheppard, then leaves]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Every what? What's wrong?
[Guards take Lt. Col. Sheppard from the room]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: She didn't even tell me her name.
Dr. McKay[after having injected himself with a massive dose of the Wraith enzyme]: Lock and load!
Dr. McKay[After easily beating up two guards due to the enzyme overdose]: And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!
Dr. McKay: [Rodney took the enzyme and he's dialing the gate] Big dose. Big, big dose. But you needed it. You had to take out the guards. And you did. Stupid, "You want the crystals, you'll have to go through us." Well, I went through you all right didn't I? Like a hot knife jell-o. No, it's uh butter. Hot knife through butter. Man, I'm hungry. Focus. Focus. Must finish dialing the gate.
Dr. McKay: [babbling excitedly] Yes, yes! I mean, I'm... I don't know! I mean, I did take out the guards, they were huge and dumb and stupid and...
Dr. Weir: What guards?
Dr. McKay: Ford's guards! Didn't I mention Ford?!
Dr. Weir: No, you didn't! You haven't mentioned Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon either-
Dr. McKay: YES!!! They were there too, and there were two guards! They were huge, massive and to take them out, I had to inject myself with some of the enzyme...
Dr. Weir: [incredulous] You took some of the enzyme?!
Dr. McKay: Nonononono, I didn't took some of the enzyme, I took a lot of the enzyme because I had to take out the guards do! You should have seen me, I was amazing!!!
Dr. Weir: Are you insane?
Dr. McKay: Yes! Yes! No, I took some of the enzyme, yes!
Dr. Weir: Rodney, focus! Where is Col. Sheppard?
Dr. McKay: NONONO, I HAD TO TAKE THE ENZYME BECAUSE, BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE OUT THE GUARDS! Elizabeth, the-the point is, we don't have much time! We have to stop that ship and get to know where the ship's going!
Dr. Weir: Come on, come on, let's take a walk to the infirmary-
Dr. McKay: Ooooh, what are you doing? Nonono, I don't want to go to the infirmary! I want to go to the, ummm, the... [collapses]
Dr. Weir: Dr. Beckett, we have an emergency, we're headed for you!
Neera: You do not fear them?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The Wraith? Naah. Now, clowns… that's another story. Scare the crap out of me…
Neera: You have fought the Wraith before?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Lots of times. Won some battles; lost some. War's not over by a long shot, but we're managing to hold our own.
Neera: And the clowns?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The clowns? Oh, yeah, the clowns. We fight them too; entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagens. We do our best to fight them off, but they keep sending `em in.
Dr. McKay: Why aren't you dead?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [irked] It's good to see you too, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: No, no, I mean… well, you know what I mean. Why aren't you… dead?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, I knew when the hives started shooting each other that it was only a matter of time before they blew each other up, so I went to the Spacegate, dialled an address and got out of there.
Teyla: Col. Sheppard was kind enough to make us whole again and we all returned to Atlantis.
[The audience murmur and look at one another, confused]
Dr. Lee: Twilight Bark? 101 Dalmatians? Didn't you guys see that movie? My kids love it, and... Well, okay, so there's all these dogs. And one barks here, one barks here, one— They send the message across the countryside.
Ronon: [ominously] It'll be a fair fight then. [Ronon proceeds to easily overpower the Goa'uld]
Dr. McKay: Now, as you know, the Zero Point Module controls the flow of massive amounts of power.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Like a dam.
Dr. McKay: No, it's not like a dam, it's more like a ...uh...actually, yes, it's like a dam. If you overload the dam, it breaks, which is why the Ancients put in place failsafes to prevent such a thing from happening.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Like a spillway.
Dr. McKay: Could we just stick with failsafes?
Dr. McKay: Hermiod's going to attempt to remove Col. Caldwell's Goa'uld using Asgard beaming technology.
Dr Beckett: Quite remarkable, actually.
Dr. McKay: And complicated. Well, the calculations are impossibly intricate. You don't want to beam out a chunk of his brain.
Dr. Beckett: Lovely, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Hey, look who's back! It's Mr. Mom. Fun with the kids?
Dr. Zelenka: [his face is decorated with grass and paintings, struggling to say something] Do not even speak to me! [walks away, with Rodney looking smug]
Dr. McKay: I mean, you come in here, you don't help me, you say the one plan I've got is bad, you-you claim to be a creation of my mind and yet you are in no way dressed provocatively!
Dr. McKay: Come on, you're a figment of my imagination. The least you can do is take your top off!
Lt. Col. Carter: Your subconscious mind knows that I would never be into that.
Dr. McKay: You are the worst hallucination ever.
Dr. McKay: I wonder why we never hooked up.
Lt. Col. Carter: What, aside from the fact that you're petty, arrogant and treat people badly?
Dr. McKay: ...yes.
Lt. Col. Carter: Nope, that's pretty much it: petty, arrogant, bad with people.
Dr. McKay: Oh. But you do find me attractive?
Lt. Col. Carter: Let’s stick to working on my idea.
Dr. McKay: No, this is my idea.
Lt. Col. Carter: How do you figure?
Dr. McKay: Well, you don’t exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think! So, really the idea was mine. [realizing] Oh, wow! I’m arguing with myself about who had an idea first—me or me. I really am petty, aren’t I?
[To his hallucination of Col. Carter]
Dr. McKay: You're—you're not physically here. You can't transfer any heat.
Lt. Col. Carter: Doesn't mean I can't get you hot!
Dr. McKay: (incredulous) I'm sorry?
[Carter emerges from the water partially undressed]
[After Zelenka realizes Sheppard wants him to go underwater in the puddlejumper with him to save McKay]
Dr. Zelenka: Oh! No-no-no-no-no-no – I cannot possibly ... uh, no.
[Weir stuns Beckett and aims the stunner at Rodney]
Dr McKay: Security, this is Rodney McKay. Everything’s fine, never been better. Colonel Caldwell was kidding when he said, what he said...
Dr Weir/Phoebus: Ah, forget it!
[Weir stuns McKay]
Dr Weir: [over comm] Thaelin, the second I find you, you die.
Dr Beckett: Well, they're on the road to divorce.
[Sheppard/Thaelin stuns Teyla]
Lt. Col. Sheppard/Thaelin: Will you people stop getting in the way?! [exchanges a few shots with Weir/Phoebus] Go ahead and expend all your ammunition, just like you did last time! Your people don't know how to fight, Phoebus. That's why we're gonna win the war!! [shoots]
Dr. Weir/Phoebus: This war's not over yet!! [shoots back]
[The lights are out and Beckett is about to operate on Ronon]
Dr. McKay: Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I like everything! Can we do it or not?
Dr. McKay: Well, don't get up! Shields! Yes. Jump into position? Mmmmaybe. Release the drones. [crew member shakes her head] Probably not.
Dr. Zelenka: Explosives, yes, yes. Uh, the problem with an explosive delivery system is that, because the drug is now an aerosol, a third of the tests ignited the medication [he and Dr. Beckett laugh nervously] rendering it useless.
Dr. Beckett: They call it flashing! [he briefly opens his lab coat at the Wraith]
Dr. McKay: They didn't need you on the Daedalus?
Hermiod: Col. Caldwell believed my time was better spent disabling their jamming code.
Dr. McKay: Huh! So, they can fly that ship without you.
Hermiod: Yes. But apparently you cannot run these tests without me.
Dr. McKay: Really? Well... (makes an adjustment) Try it now.
(simulation is successful)
Dr. McKay: Well, well. Turns out the human knows what he's doing after all!
Hermiod: Indeed. Your assistance on this project will be noted.
Dr. McKay: My assistance?!?
Dr. McKay: Okay, I can probably figure something out. But no more holding back! I want everything there is to know about hive ships! Schematics, power distribution, life support configuration levels, everything!
Wraith Queen: Then you shall have it.
Dr. McKay: (suprised) Really?
(the data is sent over)
Dr. McKay: Huh, she really did it! This is the mother lode!
Dr. Weir: What is exactly?
Dr. McKay: Only everything you ever wanted to know about Wraith technology but were afraid to ask!
Dr. Zelenka: It's like being handed the Wraith encyclopedia and don't know where to start.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: When I was a kid and got my first encyclopedia, I started with the letter S.
Dr. Zelenka: Yes, well, I'm sure the Wraith sexuality is interesting.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: (explaining his plan to the Wraith Queen) Once we get in range, we beam a canister into the CO2 chamber and boom! One hive ship de-wraith-ified.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Who's firing on us?!
Technician: We got two hiveships bearing down on our position, sir. One of them is the friendly!