Dr. McKay: Oh...yeah I-I had a kidney stone once....incredibly painful....same kinda thing I'm told so yeah I hear you. Actually my cat and I had one at the same time and we were not fun to be around I'll tell you that much. He got his because he was eating too much dry cat food and I got mine because I wasn't drinking enough liquids, so that's why you see me drinking lots of water because I have no desire to experience that kind of pain again.
Teyla: [panting while talking] Fascinating story. Thank you...
[At the prospect of having to deliver Teyla's baby]
Dr. McKay: Look, can't you just hold it in?
Col. Caldwell: [in regards to Michael's Cruiser] Major Marks, please make that ship go away.
(Sheppard is about to go to surgery and passes Teyla)
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What are you gonna name the kid?
Teyla: Well, if it's all right with you, I was thinking of Torren John, after my father and after you.
Teyla: Today he's decided that he will only sleep as long as I hold him and keep moving. I've already walked half the city and back again.
Dr. Keller: My parents used to put me in the car. My dad would have to drive around and around and around the block at three o'clock in the morning!
Teyla: Hmm. That would be lovely. At least I'd be sitting down!
[Woolsey has just arived on the Daedalus to take command of Atlantis.]
Woolsey: [authoritatively] Well, then. [He hesitates for several seconds, unable to think of anything more to say, then looks at Sheppard.] I think I'll start by going over copies of all your latest reports. [turning to McKay] Yours as well, Doctor.
Dr. McKay: What, right now?
Woolsey: I've been out of touch on the Daedalus for three weeks. I'd like to be brought up to speed as quickly as possible. We can have a full briefing in the morning.
[Woolsey leaves the control room]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It's a nice speech. Very inspiring.
Richard Woolsey: Amelia, I think I'm gonna risk heading down to breakfast before they check in. I just mean that it will probably take them some time to get to the camp, and then more time for Nichols to get back to the Gate and report.
[Woolsey pauses. Amelia looks at him blankly]
Richard Woolsey: There's really no point in my telling you this.
Amelia Banks: Not really, sir.
Dr. McKay: Did you have some kind of itinerary planned?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, actually we’re gonna have a big feast first.
Dr. McKay: Last supper huh?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, suits your messiah complex.
Dr. McKay: True.
Dr. McKay: You're a good friend, Arthur.
[Both Sheppard and McKay look at each other, then bursts into laughter]
Dr. McKay: What is this place?
Ronon: It's the Shrine of Talus.
Dr. McKay: That means nothing to me.
Ronon: It's a planet of the Ancestors. We brought you here.
Dr. McKay:Thank you, Mr. Information! Look, since when did he become Ronon the Explainer? And why am I not in the Infirmary, huh? What, am I better?! [realises] I am better!
Teyla: It is the gift of the Shrine, and from all of us who risked great danger to bring you here. One last chance to be with those you love.
Dr. McKay: And then what? [with no answer, he realises the answer] I die!?
Ronon: With honour.
Teyla: And dignity.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, well, screw that! I'll just stay here!
Dr. McKay: You have thrown an awful lot at me all at once.
Ronon: That's life.
Dr. Keller: We're gonna have to find a way for me to operate on him right here.
Day six of the recordings of the progression of the Second Childhood
Dr. McKay: Jennifer, there's something I wanted to, while I remember, while I still can. There's something I wanted to say before...
Dr. Keller: Go ahead.
Dr. McKay: I, I, I love you. I've loved you for some time now. [pauses briefly] OK. Where was I?
Dr. Keller: I have enough anesthetic to put you out. You're not going to feel a thing.
Dr. McKay: Controlled magnetic harmonic resonance.
Dr. Jackson: What?
Dr. McKay: Apparently Tesla was close to something like this before Edison trashed his lab.
Dr. Jackson: What are you talking about?
Dr. McKay: That wall was specially designed to destabilize when bombarded with a very specific harmonic resonance. That's what the tones were. And the strong magnetic property of the particles is what keeps the door from just crumbling into dust. It's a great way to hide a door, because you know, if you're looking for a door to open it's never going to be found. It's like a hologram, only better because it's solid mass until the tones are playing.
Dr. Jackson: Right, so you could've just told me to walk through the door when you did it.
Dr. McKay: I could have, yes.
[after touching the holding cell's laser grid]
Dr. McKay: Ow!
Dr. Jackson: Oh yeah I tried that they uh, zap you when you touch them.
Dr. McKay: You could've told me that before I touched it!
Dr. Jackson: I could have, yes.
Todd arrives onboard the Daedalus
Woolsey: Thank you for coming.
Todd: Thank you for having us.
Woolsey: (clears his throat) Today is an historic day. Robert Grosseteste once said...
Todd: I would like to get started as soon as possible.
Woolsey: Y-yes, of course. But I wanted to recognise...
Todd: I have my doubts that your plan will be effective... so shall we drop these unfounded pleasantries and get to work?
Jackson: Is everything a competition with you?
McKay: I'm not sure what you're talking about.
Jackson: I just found you a secret lab full of really cool Ancient stuff. I kind of think that should score me some points here.
McKay: OK, I admint I might have been a bit of brusque with you up until now.
Jackson: Just a little...
McKay: But the truth is, I really didn't think you're gonna find anything.
Jackson: Well, that much I actually understand.
McKay: You do?
Jackson: Yeah. I... spent the majority of my professional life being ridiculed for my theories - most of which turned out to be correct, by the way - I'm kinda used to it, Rodney.
McKay: Wasn't that bothering you? That there's no indication or recognition of credit?
Jackson: No, I could say the same thing about you. The discoveries you've made yet probably could've won the Nobel prize five times over by now.
McKay: That's too true. So, guess none of us signed up to be famous, huh?
Jackson: No, we did it for the money!
McKay: Hehehe, good one! Heh heh... [resumes working then pauses again] You mean, you don't get paid more than I do, do you? [Jackson sighs] Do you?!
Dr. Zelenka: Colonel. I think I may have something. I've been working under the assumption that, as you suggested, the device they took must have been broadcasting some sort of sub-space communication ...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You can trace it.
Dr. Zelenka: Well, yeah, if it was broadcasting from Atlantis, yes, but obviously it's not doing that any more.
Lt.Col. Sheppard: So?
Dr. Zelenka: So ... well ... I'm using the work of László Babai as a stepping stone ... You know, combinatorics and, um ... (shakes his head.) No offence, but the math I'm using is so complicated, I don't know if I can dumb it down enough for it to make sense.
Dr. McKay: (...) I think I figured a way out of here!
Dr. Jackson: Really ?
Dr. McKay: This is an Ancient facility, and Rodney McKay knows a thing or two about Ancient facilities.
Dr. Jackson: You know it has been clinically proven that referring to yourself in the third person is a sign of mental instability.
Dr. McKay: Mentally unstable like a fox.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Five bucks to anybody who can figure out how to contact the Daedalus.
Banks: [her console beeps] Uh, Colonel Sheppard?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Got an idea, Banks?
Banks: Well, no, but I am being hailed by the Daedalus on subspace. Does that count?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Technically that's not your idea, but good enough. Put ‘em on screen. I'll pay you later.
Wraith Technician: We just dropped out of hyperspace.
Todd: [annoyed] Yes, I see that.
[McKay and Jackson have escaped from the room where they were being held and are searching the facility.]
Dr. McKay: Okay, we need to get to the device control room.
Dr. Jackson: It'll be crawling with soldiers...
Dr. McKay: Oh, well then we'll need to create a diversion.
Dr. Jackson: I'm awares.
Dr. McKay: Okay, ahh...We'll go to the power relay station, we'll create a massive explosion.
Dr. Jackson: And I never got how that made a good diversion.
Dr. McKay: [stops walking] What?
Dr. Jackson: You want to clear the device control room of bad guys, right?
Dr. McKay: Yes!
Dr. Jackson: Sooo...why would you assume if there was a massive explosion people would go running towards it?
Dr. McKay: Well, I would.
Dr. Jackson: I rest my case! [walks past McKay]
Dr. McKay: [catches up] Oh, I'm sorry, you know, I'm a good person, I would want to save people from a fire; maybe figure out what's going on?
Dr. Jackson: I, au contraire, would order more guards to protect the one room I thought whoever's blowing things up probably wants to get to!
Dr. McKay: [stops for a second before running to catch up with Jackson again] Explosion diversion is the very cornerstone of diversions!
Dr. Jackson: You don't have any better ideas.
Dr. McKay: I don't have any better ideas, yes.
[They open a door, revealing two Asgard suits]
Dr. McKay: [panicking and grovelling] Oh my God, please don't kill me, you need me.
Dr. Jackson: Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Us, us. You need us. Look, the device needs constant care. I mean, true, I'm the only one who knows how to work it. You don't have to kill me for it, you're not a violent race. I mean, you may have stunned us a few more times than I would have liked, but who's to say we didn't deserve it.
Dr. Jackson: Rodney, they're just suits-
Dr. McKay: Yes, suits. Suits that house one of the smartest races that ever evolved. The Asgards, I've always been a big fan of the Asgards. Some of my best friends are Asgards.
Dr. Jackson: They're empty suits. (waves his hand in front of their helmets) See?
Dr. McKay: [deflated] Yeah, I know I was uh...
Dr. Jackson: You were...?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, it's not important.
[a Traveler and an Asgard ship are seconds from collision when the latter jumps to hyperspace]
Katana: Huh, that was close. Flew into hyperspace.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What?
Katana: Hold on, I've got another window opening.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Coming right back at us, what kind of messed up battle technique is that?!
Dr. McKay: [wearing Asgard armor] Can you unzip me?
Ronon: [Re: Woolsey] Sometimes when I walk past his quarters at night, I can hear him crying.
Dr. McKay: What...Really?
Dr. Parrish: Look at this, huh? It's a plant not unlike the begonia eiromischa!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [despairingly] Oh, God. Lorne warned me about this.
Dr. Zelenka: Come to think of it, I think it might have been those little green berries with the purple specks on them, because my tongue did seem a little bit numb afterwards ...
Dr. McKay: Yeah, FYI, this conversation ended six seconds ago.
Dr. Zelenka: Yeah, um, anyway, on the way back I had an idea.
Dr. McKay: Well, have a little lie down. It'll pass.
[Woolsey introduces Shen Xiaoyi to the technician team]
Woolsey: Hello there, Chet.
Chuck: It's Chuck.
Woolsey: Excuse me?
Chuck: It's Chuck, sir. My name is Chuck.
Woolsey: Oh, of course! Chuck. Chet's on the late shift.
Chuck: [after Woolsey leaves, irritated] There is no Chet!
Dr. McKay: You realize it's highly unlikely you're actually gonna find anything?
Dr. Zelenka: Well, then I will have wasted an hour of my time and you'll be able to tell me "I told you so." If, on the other hand, I do find something, perhaps they'll name something after me for a change. [he exits]
[Rodney pauses for a few seconds]
Dr. McKay: [going after Zelenka] Wait!
Dr. Zelenka: You'll think of something.
Dr. McKay: Really? What makes you so sure?
Dr. Zelenka: Because you're brilliant.
Dr. McKay: That's true! Doesn't mean I'm going to... wait a minute. What did you say? Why did you say that? What are you sick? Am I sick? What have you heard?!
Dr. McKay: Neat.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: "Neat"?!
Dr. McKay: Yeah well, she caught me off guard, what did you want me to say? What would you have said?
Bill Nye: [to Tyson, referring to Dr. Keller] You're married, so...Dibs.
[[[Bill Nye]] makes an appreciative sound while looking off-screen, obviously at Dr. Keller's butt]
Receptionist: I'll just need you both to sign this non-disclosure and confidentiality agreement. [he heaves two thick documents onto the counter in front of McKay and Keller with a "thud"]
Dr. McKay: Oh, you're not serious.
Receptionist: [sharply] Is there a problem, sir?
Dr. McKay: This whole thing is a confidentiality agreement?!
Receptionist: [again, sharply] Yes, sir.
Dr. McKay: What could he possibly be doing back there that needs to be kept two hundred pages secret?!
Receptionist: If you want to go inside, sir, you need to sign the agreement.
Dr. McKay: Dinosaurs?
Receptionist: Excuse me?
Dr. McKay: Do they have living dinosaurs back there? Because I'll sign this if he's brought dinosaurs back to life, but short of that he's out of his mind if he thinks I'm gonna pretend that whatever discovery he has made is so important and so secret that I have to sign the unabridged works of William Shakespeare here.
Dr. Keller: [holds up her pen, with measured patience] Juuuuuust sign it.
[McKay takes the pen from Keller sheepishly]
Dr. McKay: [to the receptionist] You're lucky the lady's here.
[Dr. Keller looks at McKay, looking somewhat exasperated]
Dr. McKay: Neil likes to steal things from me – things like women and theoretical physics ideas.
Tyson: Yeah, but who hasn't stolen an idea from the great Rodney McKay?!
Dr. McKay: Oh, so we admit it now!
Bill Nye: See, back in the day whenever any one of these people came up with a new idea or published a new paper, Doctor McKay here would swear that he was already working on something very similar; just hadn't gotten around to publishing it yet.
Tyson: He'd say things like, "I was about to say that very same thing," or "I was just about to have that same idea"!
Dr. McKay: Hey, at least I didn't declassify Pluto from planet status. Way to make all the little kids cry, Neil. That make you feel like a big man?
[McKay has just told Tunney that he's going to rescue Dr. Keller. As a result, Tunney is going to have to implement McKay's plan for solving the crisis.]
Dr. McKay: Last time I checked, you were claiming to be a genius. I already gave you the plan!
Malcolm Tunney: ...Plan full of holes!
Dr. McKay: So, fill them!
Malcolm Tunney: But what I run into a problem?
Dr. McKay: Then work around it!
Malcolm Tunney: [heisitates, then, in a small voice] You're smarter than me.
Dr. McKay: I know. [he leaves]
Malcolm Tunney: [Yelling after McKay] McKay!
[There is no answer from McKay]
Malcolm Tunney: [in a panic, returning to the control console] Gaah! This is outrageous! Just when we need him most, he puts this on me, and I'm supposed to...
[[[Bill Nye]] grabs Tunney by his lapels, then slaps him across the face]
[Tunney's space-time bridge experiment has gone awry and can't be shut down, causing the test facility to cool to near-freezing. We see a man in a wheelchair from behind. He has obviously been talking with Bill Nye]
Stephen Hawking-esque mechanical voice: We get it. It works. Shut it down. I'm starting to freeze to my chair.
Dr. McKay: I suppose it all sounds like science fiction to you.
Detective Sheppard: I'm not really a fan.
Dr. McKay: I know you'll probably think this sounds ridiculous, but a...little while ago we accidentally opened a rift in space-time. Went through to an alternate version of reality, very similar to ours in many ways. Met a team much like the one I work with, only you were the leader. You were a hero...saved the world several times over.
Detective Sheppard: Doesn't sound much like me.
Dr. McKay: I don't think there's much difference between you and that other John Sheppard I met. It's amazing how one incident can entirely alter the course of your life. Still...I like to believe you have the same strength of character. That's why I told you the truth.
Todd: [poetry] Fish in a pond, busy, busy. Lot's to do here and there. [...] Dry as a desert outside, no place to go. [...] Eat up. Get stronger. Think and hope, think and hope. Don't look now! Oh, keep dreaming...There must be some other reason for your insistence. [...] Defiance tastes like life itself. No river, no water, dry as a desert. Darkness all around...The harvest moon is rising...Wraith are never ending. I know the future. Come inside! I’ll show you your destiny, John Sheppard...
[While discussing where the Wraith could be located]
Dr. Zelenka: He could have abandoned whatever resources he had and just gone into hiding.
Dr. McKay: [sarcastically] Oh yes, he probably got a job as a Klingon at Star Trek: The Experience.
Lt. Col: Sheppard: [to Todd] If I find out you're playing us, I'm not gonna wait for authorization, there isn't gonna be any paperwork. I'm just gonna kill you.
Woolsey: You're being asked to fly to another galaxy...to take - what might turn out to be the losing part - in a battle that isn't yours.
Ronon: You mean like everyone on this base has been doing for the past five years?
Teyla: Thank you for your consideration, Mr. Woolsey, but I assure you it is not necessary.
Ronon: We're not goin' anywhere.
Woolsey: [proudly] Very well.
Lt. Col: Sheppard: [on radio] Stargate Command, this is Sheppard.
Col. Carter: [on radio] Sheppard, where are you?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [on radio] I made it inside. Look, I don't have much time until this place is swarming with Wraith so... I'm arming the nuke.
Dr. McKay: What did he say, nuke?!
Col. Carter: [on radio] John-
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [on radio] Just do me a favor, when Atlantis shows up... tell 'em I say goodbye.
Dr. McKay: Sheppard, this is McKay! Look, stop what you're doing, NOW!!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: McKay?!
Dr. McKay: Yes, it's me! I've got Lorne, I've got Teyla, we're on board the hive!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [confused] What?! But... how?
Dr. McKay: Look, it's a long story, just... Important thing is, if you're about to do what I think you're gonna do, DON'T!
[later they meet up]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You guys are the last people I expected on this ship!
Dr. McKay: Same here.
Wraith: I restored your life, human, and mended your wound.
Ronon: That was real nice of you...
Wraith: Now you will answer my questions. How many humans are on my ship? [Ronon doesn't answer, the Wraith pushes it's heel into his wound] Where are they?!
[the Wraith is shot by Sheppard]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: How you doin', Chewie?
Dr. McKay: [confused] You were dead!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: We're gonna be dead unless we get out of here!
Col. Carter: Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, do you read?
Walter: Colonel, we've been monitoring radio chatter. Several commercial vessels in the North Pacific have reported a giant fireball streaking across the sky.
Col. Carter: Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, do you read? (no response, Carter gets desperate) Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, please respond!
Woolsey: Stargate Command, this is Atlantis. Nice to hear from you again, colonel.
Col. Carter: Mr. Woolsey, you gave us quite a scare!
Woolsey: Sorry about that. We've completed our reentry and as far as I can tell, we're still in one piece. Dr. Beckett thinks he can bring us in above water, but you might want to alert the navy - it's gonna be close.
Col. Carter: Understood.
Mj. Davis: We are tracking them again! We should be able to project coordinates for splashdown.
Col. Carter: Walter, you better get me the President. It looks like Atlantis is coming home...
Dr. Keller: [to Rodney] You OK?
Dr. McKay: I'm alive. [Keller laughs] And I've got you, what else would I need?