Lt. Col. Sheppard: Never mind. [puts on his oxygen mask] Operation 'This Will Most Likely End Badly' is a go.
[Lt. Col. Sheppard is alone in a 302, being fired upon by an armada of darts]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Okay, how about some of that help you promised?
Michael: I told you to target the hyperdrive generator.
Lt. Col Sheppard: I already knew that.
Michael: There's nothing more I can do.
Lt. Col Sheppard: Like hell there isn't. Call off the Darts!
Michael: [annoyed] They won't listen to me.
Lt. Col Sheppard: This is NOT helpful, Michael!
Dr. McKay: They couldn't have. Even if they deduced the location of Earth, they won't be able to get there, unless, they downloaded something else on the Hive-ship plans. Oh it's something like spyware, just like my stupidly downloaded porn...
Dr. McKay: Music! My downloaded music.
Dr. McKay: Where did you come from?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I managed to latch onto the hull of the hive before we went into hyperspace.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What do I mean. We leave for two hours, and Lucius turned you all into Stepford wives.
[McKay and Lt.Col Sheppard are in McKay’s lab trying to determine why everyone in Atlantis is besotted with Lucius Lavin. Sheppard looks like he has been pacing angrily while McKay has been working on a laptop at a lab-bench]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [While he's talking Sheppard moves to sit beside McKay] This is creeping me out.
Dr. McKay: [McKay has been hunched over his laptop typing busily] Yeah… reminds me of an old Batman episode actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman...make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. [Rodney sits upright] It was kind of a turn on actually…it’s Julie Newmar in the cat outfit…
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [Sheppard is reading McKay's laptop screen, he absently interrupts McKay ]Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.
Dr. McKay: Not 'till season three.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [surprised] Really?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, you didn't know that?
Dr. Beckett: So you finally came around did you. You know, you'll come to know Lucius eventually. He really is a kind and wise...
[Sheppard turns and pulls out a Wraith stun pistol]
Dr. Beckett: Oh crap.
[Sheppard stuns him]
[The team talked about what would happen if Lucius gives away Atlantis' position]
Ronon: In which case I said I will track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his...
Dr. Weir: Yes, thank you. I think we get the message.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.
[Pats McKay on the shoulder and walks away]
Dr. McKay: [Nervously] Right.
[He turns to leave, but Teyla and Ronon stop him, realising he took some of Lucius' herb]
Dr. Weir: Rodney!
Dr. McKay: It was just one teeny, tiny taste for research purposes.
Dr. Weir: Burn it!
Dr. Beckett: All of it!
Dr. Weir: Right now!
Dr. McKay: Alright. Story of my life.
[Dr. McKay briefly looks suggestively at Teyla, who is not impressed.]
Dr. Beckett: You have an arrow, Rodney, in your gluteus maximus.
Dr. McKay: Well, that sounds painful. [lies down on the operating table with a content expression and starts to play with the words] Gluteus maximus... glooo-tus maaa... ximus... [mildly surprised] Oh my god, that's my ass, isn't it?!
Dr. Beckett: It didn't work out. May have something to do with our first kiss being through Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Oh, I thought we made a solemn vow never to speak of that again!
Dr. Beckett: I remember no such thing.
General Landry: Colonel Sheppard, I'm going to assume you're still at the Midway Station waiting for Dr. McKay to rewrite his macro. I understand what you're doing, Colonel - Hell, I'll even call it brave, but if you don't turn that ship around immediately and come back to the SGC, I'll see to it personally that your career in the military is-
[Sheppard slaps a button, disconnecting the communication]
Dr. Weir: Yes, General, it's good to hear your voice too.
Gen. O'Neill: I didn't say it was good, Elizabeth. Please don't be offended as I express my surprise that Landry would send you on a mission like this.
Dr. Weir: Well, sir, General Landry didn't sanction this mission.
Gen. O'Neill: So am I to assume you're not surrounded by heavily armed SG teams and young, strapping Marines?
Dr. Weir: You've got myself, Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, McKay, and Dr. Beckett.
Gen. O'Neill: [sarcastic] Oh, Dr. Beckett is it? Well, I'm comforted.
Dr. Beckett: [whispering to Weir] What's that supposed to mean?
Talus: What were you doing in the flooded section of the city?
Gen. O'Neill: The backstroke. I think.
Talus: what are you planning?
Gen. O'Neill: Well, I was planning to retire. But man, is that overrated!
[O'Neill gets his mind probed by Talus]
Gen. O'Neill: [casually] Whatcha doin'?
Talus: Probing your mind.
[O'Neill looks around, seeing that a Stargate event horizon is circling Talus and him]
Gen. O'Neill: Kinda roomy, ain't it?
Talus: Your ability to resist is quite remarkable General O'Neill.
Gen. O'Neill: Well it isn't the first time I had a hand in my head, as t'were.
Talus: If you do not give me information, perhaps Richard Woolsey will.
Gen. O'Neill: Tell you what...you look around, and I'll tell you if you're getting warmer, or colder.
Talus: Ah, there it is.
Gen. O'Neill: So, hot I guess, huh.
[Woolsey and O'Neill have just had their minds probed]
Woolsey: That was the worst thing I've ever experienced.
Gen. O'Neill: It gets worse!
Talus: I'm afraid your plan has been discovered, Colonel Sheppard. It is over.
[Everyone turns to look at Woolsey]
Woolsey: [defensively] He put his hand in my forehead! How can you resist that?!
Gen. O'Neill: Well, I like to close my eyes and think of England.
[Sheppard and McKay burst into the brig, where O'Neill and Woolsey are being held]
Gen. O'Neill: Hey! Thanks for the rescue!
Dr. McKay: Oh, hey...no problem.
Gen. O'Neill: No! You should be saying, "Thanks for the rescue!"
Dr. McKay: Oh, ah, right...thanks. Should have you out of there in no time. This won't take long at all.
[McKay fiddles with the door controls, an error tone sounds]
Dr. McKay: Oh, my...they, they, they've changed the codes.
Woolsey: ...But you can crack it, right? You need to get us out of here!
Dr. McKay: Yeah, of course I can...just give me, like, 1...2 seconds.
Gen. O'Neill: ...So, I guess that frozen replicator plan didn't pan out!?
Dr. McKay: Yeah...not so much.
Gen. O'Neill: How's that plan "B" workin' for ya? Good?
Dr. McKay: Actually, it's...it's more like, uh, plan "C".
[McKay looks hopefully at O'Neill and Woolsey, O'Neill and Woolsey stare blankly at McKay]
Dr. McKay: ...As in C-4, if you catch my drift?
Gen. O'Neill: No.
Dr. McKay: Let's just say that we're concerned that the Daedalus won't be able to carry out your standing orders.
Woolsey: What? To destroy Atlantis with nuclear weapons? I thought we were past that! Why would we be going back to that?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, it's the only way.
Gen. O'Neill: Can you do that?
Dr. McKay: Yeah...If we plant charges in all 10 of the shield emitters before the Daedalus arrives, that way, when the replicators try to activate the shields...
Woolsey: ...The C-4 detonates, the Daedalus beams a warhead into the city, and we're all vaporized.
[O'Neill turns quickly to look at McKay]
Gen. O'Neill: [Agitated] Sounds more like a plan "F", doesn't it? As in, "We're totally..."
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Good old plan "D", works every time.
[Sheppard has just given Caldwell his authentication code to validate it is his team in Atlantis, not the Replicators. Caldwell is on board the Daedalus, preparing to nuke the city to eliminate the Replicator threat.]
Col. Caldwell: That code is no longer valid, Colonel.
Gen. O'Neill: Hey, Caldwell! General Jack O'Neill here. That valid enough for ya?
Dr. Beckett: Their ear-drums have been perforated.
Dr. Weir: How?
Dr. Zelenka: The whales are emitting an intense, low frequency pulse...like...like a sonar; as well as an EM field. The combination is very dangerous to humans - particularly in such close proximity.
Dr. McKay: [having heard none of this; his voice raised] It's the whales!
Dr. Beckett: [ignoring Rodney] Their hearing's been impaired; it should heal soon...
Dr. McKay: [continuing anyway; his voice still raised] It's their echolocation! It's creating very powerful vibrations! The closer we got, the worse it became!
Dr. Zelenka: Yes... [Raising his voice] Yes Rodney! We know!
Dr. McKay: [after a brief pause] Oh!
Lt. Col Sheppard: [after an even longer pause] What?
Lt. Col Sheppard: [attempting to get Rodney's attention] Canadian Football league is a joke.[he pauses, then continues when Rodney fails to react]Celine Dion is overrated. [a second pause] Zelenka is smarter than you are! [a third pause]
Dr. McKay: [having heard nothing] Hey! I found mention of a biolab in the database. Ancient scientists used it to study animal life. We should check it out.
Lt. Col Sheppard: Okay...Meredith.
[Elizabeth, John, and Rodney are discussing the whale-like creature Rodney has been studying]
Dr. Weir: And how do you know...he's a he?
Dr. McKay: Oh, because I cross-referenced the renderings in the database with the whale outside, and, you'll see, the males have a rather prominent, um-
Dr. Weir: [interrupting] Oh, it's okay, I might-I'll take your word for it.
Lt. Col Sheppard: Oh, right, the one with the perky little...
Dr. McKay: Do you mind?! We're trying to work here.
Lt. Col Sheppard: For the record I was gonna say 'smile'.
Dr. McKay: Ya, I'm sure you were.
Dr. McKay: One more time: mysterious energy pulse from a device created by the Ancients. I mean, who knows what kind of long-term effects I could be in for? I mean, there’s gross mutation, giantism, invisibility...
Dr. Beckett: Alright. Like I said, as far as I can tell, he’s as healthy as a horse. I’m clearing you for active duty.
Dr. McKay: What are you insane?! Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?
Dr. Weir: What are the chances it could make him more pleasant?
Dr. Weir: What else can you do, besides telekinesis?
Dr. McKay: Well, super-hearing for one. And, I'm not sure, but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with, but recently I've been having thoughts that I don't think even I would have thought of before.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Does super-ego count as a power?
[A nurse arrives with a tray of food]
Dr. McKay: Oh, finally! Look, keep it coming.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: We may also be dealing with a super appetite, but it's hard to tell because he ate so much before.
[Weir and Sheppard walk into the chair room to talk to McKay.]
Dr. Weir: Rodney, we need to talk.
[Rodney deactivates the chair and reads their minds]
Dr. McKay: What do you mean I’m gonna die? I’m not even sick! I feel great -- never better!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That Ancient device...
McKay: [Reading his mind] ...has accelerated my evolution. [Reading Weir’s mind] Eventually I’ll reach a point where I’m physically capable of ascension, but ascension takes more than that -- there’s a mental component. I need to know how to make it happen... which I don’t. [Reads Ronon’s thoughts] Yet!! I’m getting smarter by the minute, it’s a pretty good assumption I’ll be able to figure it out on the way. [Rodney reads Weir’s mind again]. OK, so it’s not as easy as that. Well, even if I don’t, so I stay a highly-evolved human. I mean, I don’t have to ascend, it’s a choice, right? [John grimaces slightly] No? What do you mean, no? Oh, that stupid Ancient device doesn’t work properly, does it? [He reads Elizabeth’s mind again] It’s set in motion a series of genetic mutations that will result in my death if I don’t ascend?!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [To Weir] There is something easier about this.
Dr. McKay: That’s why the Ancients didn’t put it into common use, it’s just one more in a long line of abysmal, over-ambitious failures! Oh God. I’m a dead man!
Dr. McKay: You know, we could be a team! You could be my sidekick!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: He’s giving his people way too much technology for their level of development. [Points at Rodney accusingly] I’m not the only one increasing my army, by the way.
Dr. McKay: I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The name of Rodney’s country. He named it after a girl he stalked in college.
Dr. McKay: I did not stalk her. We dated twice. Teresa Geldar -- a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land - "The Kingdom of Geldar".
[A man rides through Geldar on a bicycle]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Oh yeah! That’s something you see in a medieval village!
Dr. McKay: Yes, well, the Renaissance obviously came early to these folks.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: A couple of hundred years early?
Teyla: Why do you refer to him as the Oracle?
Nola: The Oracle is a wise and omnipotent deity.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [to Ronon] Boy, she’s in for a rude awakening.
[Elizabeth walks into the "Game Room" to find Lorne and Zelenka arguing. They are unaware of her entrance.]
Dr. Zelenka: Absurd!
Maj. Lorne: What are you talking about? It’s a perfectly reasonable request!
Dr. Zelenka: Oh yeah. Perfectly reasonable! I give you all of my food and my people starve.
[Elizabeth walks deeper into the room and sees the two of them on either side of the ‘games’ console. Radek is already on his feet and now Evan stands up to shout at him over the top of the screens.]
Maj. Lorne: I am not asking you for all of your food! Plus, I did say that we would make a deal.
Dr. Zelenka: [sarcastically] A deal. Oh yeah. Baskets.
Maj. Lorne: Big baskets! Two dozen of ‘em, hand-woven and very nice.
Dr. Zelenka: Oh, very nice. What am I gonna put in them, huh? Certainly not food!
[Elizabeth, still unnoticed by the two men, folds her arms and looks at them angrily. They continue to bicker, getting more and more agitated with every remark.]
Maj. Lorne: You know what? I think you’re holding out on me. I think you have plenty of food.
Dr. Zelenka: Are you calling me a liar?!
Maj. Lorne: No, I think you’re trying to squeeze me for a better deal, that’s what I think.
Dr. Zelenka: I have got nothing to hide! Now, if you’re ...
Maj. Lorne: OK, OK, so maybe I’ll send some of my army troops down and we’ll have a look!
Dr. Weir: [very angrily] What the hell are you two doing?
[The two finally notice her presence and look down, ashamed. Both of them are wearing expressions akin to ones that you would find on the faces of children who have just been found stealing cookies from the cookie jar.]
Dr. Weir: I thought I gave specific orders to stay away from this device.
Dr. Zelenka: [quietly, ashamed] Yes, yes, you did.
Maj. Lorne: We just saw that there were some people in trouble and we thought that maybe that we could...um...help.
Dr. Weir: No! No more help. Clearly we are not qualified!
Baden: I’ve done everything I could to achieve peace with you.
Nola: Really?! Such as?
Baden: I sent gifts of goodwill.
Nola: [horrified] You sent crates of citrus fruit! Citrus! Do you have any idea what an insult that is to my people?!
Baden: It didn’t used to be.
Dr. Weir: OK, see, I think I know where that comes from. Did M - the Oracle tell you that citrus fruit was bad?
Nola: He made us aware of its toxic properties, yes.
Baden: Everything is toxic to you! [to Elizabeth] If they’re not busy insulting us, they’re complaining about contaminated food, improper hygiene. Even the sunlight is dangerous to them!
Dr. Weir: We’ve said goodbye to a lot of friends today. Our mission is a dangerous one. We lose people – a fact we’re all painfully aware of. But Carson was ... (She trails off for several seconds, temporarily lost for words.) I can’t remember anyone coming to me with a complaint against him – ever. He was a kind soul. He was ... he was a healer. And he will be very deeply missed. George Fabricius said, “Death comes to us all, but great achievements, they build a monument which shall endure until the sun grows cold.” (Her voice begins to break.) Every single life Carson saved is a monument to him. And that gives me great comfort.
[The closing scene of the episode, Rodney stands alone on one of the city's piers, talking with 'imaginary Carson']
Dr. Beckett: How’d it go back on Earth?
Dr. McKay: It was, it was awful. [Turns to Carson and smiles at him] Your family was amazing, though.
Dr. Beckett: Aye, they are. Good turnout?
Dr. McKay: Oh, packed the church.
Dr. Beckett: Oh, that’s good to hear!
Dr. McKay: It’s not gonna be the same round here without you.
Dr. Beckett: Oh, you’re telling me!
Dr. McKay: You know, the universe is a big place. Who knows, maybe we’ll bump into each other again.
Dr. Beckett: Aye, who knows?
Dr. McKay: You were the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I’m really, really sorry. I should have just...
Dr. Beckett: Hey. This isn’t your fault.
Dr. McKay: You’re just telling me what I want to hear.
Dr. Beckett: Well, that’s what best friends do sometimes. And in this case it also happens to be true. Take care of yourself, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: [Raises his hand] Goodbye, Carson.
[Carson fades out of existence whilst the view zooms out to see Rodney standing alone at the end of the pier as the episode ends]
Dr. McKay: Look- asking me to do performance evaluations is ridiculous. I am the first person to admit I don't know who these people are, nor do I care to. If you'd like, I can take you down the hall to the labs and just point at the people who annoy me more than the rest, but that's about as useful as I get.
Col. Ellis: You should be running Atlantis, not Dr. Weir.