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Stargate SG-1/Season 7

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Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007) is an American television series about a secret military team, SG-1, that is formed to explore other planets through the recently discovered Stargates. The show, created by Brad Wright and Jonathan Glassner, is based on the 1994 science fiction film Stargate by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich.

Fallen [7.1]

[edit]
Jonas: I got it!
Maj. Carter: Hopefully it's not contagious.
Native: [pointing to Teal'c] He is Jaffa.
Col. O'Neill: No, but he plays one on TV.
[Jackson has turned up alive on an alien planet, but without his memory]
Teal'c: Do you not recognize us, Daniel Jackson?
Daniel Jackson: I'm sorry.
[Jackson walks away. uncomfortable pause.]
Col. O'Neill: Not even me?
Daniel Jackson: Besides, who am I gonna tell? I mean, I don't, uh, I don't remember anybody, right?
Col. O'Neill: Good one.
Daniel Jackson: Thanks, Jim.
Col. O'Neill: It's Jack.
Daniel Jackson: Right.
Daniel Jackson: All I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it.
Col. O'Neill: So, where is "it"?
Daniel Jackson: Did I just say "all I know"?
Col. O'Neill: Everyone turn away.
Maj. Carter: Sir?
Col. O'Neill: I want no witnesses.
Col. O'Neill: All I'm saying... just for the record... this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with. [He turns and starts to leave the room]
Maj. Carter: Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Col. O'Neill: [As he walks out the door] Oh, yeah.
Maj. Carter: [Calling after O'Neill] Wackier than—than blowing up a sun?
Col. O'Neill: [From the corridor, unseen] Yep!
Maj. Carter: [to Jonas and Daniel] ...He's probably right.
Col. O'Neill: I thought we were going with Red Leader on this one.
[Col. O'Neill and Major Carter are testing out a new fighter, the X-302.
Col. O'Neill: I want to see what this thing's made of.
Maj. Carter: I could tell you exactly, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Another time, maybe. Please.
[Jonas and Jackson are searching the computer on a Goa'uld mothership, trying to find the location of the exhaust shaft O'Neill and Carter must hit to destroy the mothership and Jaffa are about to catch them]
Jonas: Well, can't you do some kind of a... keyword search?
Daniel: Yeah? For what? Achilles?
Jonas: Well, that's good. I'm glad to see that your-your memory's finally coming back. Not to mention your razor-sharp wit, but why don't we try something like, uh... power-core venting?
[Dr. Frasier has just given Daniel his glasses.]
Daniel Jackson: Oh, that's much better.
Col. O'Neill: Do you recognize me now?
Daniel Jackson: Your hair always been like that?
Col. O'Neill: Like what? [Looks confused at Daniel and then at Dr. Frasier]
Daniel Jackson: Never mind.
Younger Traveler: They say that they are friends.
Elder Traveler: No one can be a friend, if you know not whether to trust them.
Col. O'Neill: Don't judge a book by its cover.
Elder Traveler: Enemies promises were made to be broken.
Col. O'Neill: And yet honesty is the best policy.
Elder Traveler: He that has too many friends has none.
Col. O'Neill: Ah, but birds of a feather...
Elder Traveler: I'm unfamiliar with that story. What lesson does it teach?
Col. O'Neill: It has to do with flocking...and togetherness...and to be honest I'm not that familiar with the particulars myself.

Homecoming [7.2]

[edit]
Jonas: Which way?
Dr. Jackson: Uhhhh... this way!
Jonas: Sure?
Dr. Jackson: Nope!
Jonas: Right!
Col. O'Neill: Haven't you guys heard the story about the dog and the dancing monkeys? It's about getting along and... dancing.
Dr. Jackson: You know, that planet you guys found me on was nice. The people were simple, life was quiet.
Jonas: Why didn't you stay?
Dr. Jackson: I couldn't remember what this was like.
Her'ak: As for the rest of you, you will be publicly executed as an example to all who would defy their god!
Col. O'Neill: Does it have to be public?
[Her'ak points his staff weapon at Col. O'Neill]
Her'ak: I could kill you now.
Col. O'Neill: Publicly's fine.
Dr. Jackson: It's not that I mind...rejoining SG-1 and exploring the galaxy, meeting new cultures, jeopardy, saving the world, that kind of thing ... we get paid for this, right?
Col. O'Neill: [smiling] Welcome back.

Fragile Balance [7.3]

[edit]
[Col. O'Neill has been turned into a teenager]
O'Neill Clone: Daniel! Will you tell them who I am? Please?
Dr. Jackson: Okay. Love to. Who are you?
Gen. Hammond: This boy claims he's Colonel O'Neill.
Dr. Jackson: This is a joke right?
O'Neill Clone: Daniel!
Dr. Jackson: Sounds like him, at least the loud grating part.
O'Neill Clone: You want proof? Carter, you once carried a Tokra named Jolinar who gave her life to save you. Daniel, until recently you were an ascended being. Ya broke the rules, ya got yourself kicked out of the Oma Desala fan club and had your memory erased... (Teal'c enters the room)... and you and Bra'tac both just lost your snakes in a Goa'uld ambush. Had your tretonin yet this morning?
Gen. Hammond: Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has, somehow, regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Dr. Jackson: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Dr. Jackson: Well, there was the time he got really old, the time he became a caveman, the time we all swapped bodies...
[Teal'c is looking through Col. O'Neill's fridge]
Teal'c: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
O'Neill Clone: Hey, come on, that salsa's still good.
Dr. Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come right out and say it.
Col. O'Neill: What's going on?
Dr. Jackson: [referring to Loki] We're pretty sure this Asgard kidnapped you and attempted to replace you with a clone.
Col. O'Neill: How long was I asleep?!
Maj. Carter: Seven days.
Col. O'Neill: That's a record.
Loki: No, no, no, this is all wrong.
Col. O'Neill: Hey! I'll tell you what's wrong. I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a -- mini-me! Carter, I should be irked currently, yes?
Maj. Carter: Yes, I—I would be.
Loki: I am a scientist. A former geneticist with the Asgard Ruling Council.
Maj. Carter: Former?
Loki: I was stripped of my stature when I was caught performing unsanctioned experiments on humans.
Col. O'Neill: What, you've got sanctioned ones?
Dr. Jackson: Why risk coming back here after nineteen years?
Loki: I thought he was the one.
Col. O'Neill and Clone: Me?
Loki: I believed his genetic code contained the key.
Col. O'Neill and Clone: Mine?
Col. O'Neill: [To the clone] Will you stop that?
Loki: He was physiologically advanced enough to carry and utilize all the data from the Ancient repository of knowledge. That would not be possible for any human one generation ago. He is a significant step forward on your evolutionary path.
Dr. Jackson: You just found this out recently?
Loki: I learned about it when all the Asgard did. O'Neill is legendary. [Col. O'Neill adopts a smug look]
O'Neill Clone: Look, I know you don't think I am who I am, but, as far as I'm concerned, I am.. who.. I am.
Dr. Jackson: Uh, what do we do if Thor doesn't show up? [Thor beams aboard the ship] Never mind.
Col. O'Neill: Well, it's about time!
Thor: I apologize for not coming sooner. [angrily] Loki, what have you done?
O'Neill clone: Yeah, it seems he's been playing Dr. Moreau behind your back
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Dr. Moreau.

Orpheus [7.4]

[edit]
[Dr. Jackson has just finished giving Intel about the Jaffa to SG-1 and Gen. Hammond, based on a dream]
Dr. Jackson: [surprised] So, you believe me, too?
Gen. Hammond: The things I've heard sitting in this chair…
Col. O'Neill: It's time for Plan B.
Maj. Carter: We have a Plan B?
Col. O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed me that I have my mojo back.
Col. O'Neill: Come on Teal'c, don't gimme the eyebrow!
[Referring to the movie Signs]
Maj. Carter: So they fly halfway across the galaxy, in a highly advanced spaceship, but they don't use their technology to take over the planet. You know what their weakness turned out to be? Water. I mean, if that's true, why go to all the trouble to invade a planet that's two-thirds water? Not to mention the rain.
Dr. Jackson: Why do you watch those movies if all you're going to do is cut 'em up?
Maj. Carter: Come on! Don't you occasionally like to see if they're getting it anywhere close to the truth?
Col. O'Neill: Fraiser says that Teal'c needs a pep talk. I've been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour now.
Dr. Jackson: Not peppy enough?
Col. O'Neill: No, not really.
Dr. Jackson: We need a distraction
Maj. Carter: Grenades?
Col. O'Neill: Think Bigger
Maj. Carter: Claymores?
Col. O'Neill: [looking up at the dry dock with an unfinished mothership] Much bigger!

Revisions [7.5]

[edit]
[Kendrick and his son Nevin have taken in O'Neill and Teal'c for the night]
Nevin: How many planets have you been to?
Col. O'Neill: I don't know. Lots.
Nevin: More than ten?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
Nevin: More than twenty?
Col. O'Neill: Yes.
Nevin: More than thirty?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
Nevin: More than forty?
Col. O'Neill: Yes.
Nevin: More than fifty?
Col. O'Neill: Maybe.
Kendrick: Nevin, let the poor man eat.
Nevin: It's more than fifty, isn't it?
Col. O'Neill: [quietly, to Teal'c] Think it's too late to pitch a tent?

Lifeboat [7.6]

[edit]
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.
Col. O'Neill: I dare you to say that again.
Dr. Jackson/Martice: Just find the small woman and tell her that what she gave me is not good enough. It isn't working!

Enemy Mine [7.7]

[edit]
Dr. Jackson: Whoa. What's this? [uncovers a crate full of primitive tools] Artifacts?
Maj. Lorne: Yes.
Dr. Jackson: You found all this and you—you didn't contact me?
Maj. Lorne: We were going to.
Dr. Jackson: They've been moved.
Maj. Lorne: [annoyed] Well, they were in the way.
Col. O'Neill: Daniel, go to your happy place.
Dr. Jackson: [earnestly] Colonel, you don't understand. Unas are territorial, and when provoked, they can be extremely dangerous.
Col. Edwards: [to O'Neill] Is he always like this?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, pretty much.
Dr. Jackson: I guess I just spent a lot of time breaking you in, I just didn't want to have to start with a new colonel.
Col. Edwards: O'Neill was right. You are a pain in the ass. But well worth it.

Space Race [7.8]

[edit]
Eamon: (to Del Tynan) Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason you've been passed over so many times is not because you're a human, but because you're a moron?
(later, as Del Tynan's boss, Miles Hagan has him arrested)
Miles Hagan: (To Del Tynan) The reason you haven't been promoted is because you've been under investigation for corruption for the last 12 months. And you're a moron.
Col. O'Neill: How many times have I told you? Don't get caught by the bad guys!
Dr. Jackson: You're just sore that you lost.
Maj. Carter: Well, come on. It wasn't fair! Bunch of cheaters…
Dr. Jackson: So, whatcha gonna do?
Maj. Carter: Next year, I'm gonna kick butt.
Warrick: [handing Carter a thick binder] Major Carter, if you are to be my co-pilot, you will need to know how the ship works.
Maj. Carter: What is this? [she opens the binder and begins to leaf through]
Warrick: A complete operations manual for the Seberus, I had it translated for you.
Maj. Carter: Thank you!
Col. O'Neill: [looking at the manual over Carter's shoulder] That's not our language!
Maj. Carter: It's mine, Sir.
Warrick: I will go myself and pick one up after I get back from escorting Col. O'Neill, Dr. Jackson and Teal'c to the Hebridan capital building.
Col. O'Neill: T, you coming?
Teal'c: Major Carter has requested that I remain, so that I may assist her.
Col. O'Neill: She did?
Maj. Carter: I did? Yes. Thank you.
Teal'c: I do not wish to disappoint Major Carter
Col. O'Neill: Yes... I know the feeling.

Avenger 2.0 [7.9]

[edit]
Maj. Carter: It's an energy-based weapon, sir. It could, potentially, replace the missiles on the X-303.
Col. O'Neill: Phaser?
Chloe: More like a photon torpedo.
Felger: This is the very spot I was standing when I figured out how to recombine epsilon particles in a sub-space matrix. Then I got mugged by some teenagers.
Col. O'Neill: Felger's virus? I told you not to trust that brown nosin' little weasal!
Felger: It's pretty cool, isn't it? You and I working together? We're sort of like the intellectual Butch and Sundance of the SGC.
Maj. Carter: Butch and Sundance got cornered and killed by the Bolivian army.
[Jaffa appear]
Maj. Carter: We've got trouble!
Felger: What kind of trouble?
Maj. Carter: Think "Bolivia"!

Birthright [7.10]

[edit]
[Dr. Jackson explains to Nesa that he needs glasses because he can't see well]
Nesa: Perhaps you are in need of a symbiote.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'll just stick with the glasses.
Neith: Why have we brought them here?
Mala: Because that was the mission.
Neith: Why wasn't I told?
Mala: Because we knew you would disagree.
[Speaking of the Hak'tyl]
Dr. Jackson: I can't help but think of the ancient Greek amazon mythos.
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Me too.
Dr. Jackson: They were female warriors who occasionally captured men from other tribes in order to mate with them. Would often, um, would sometimes remove their right breasts so they could more easily fire a bow and arrow.
Col. O'Neill: I see neither bow nor arrow.
Dr. Jackson: No.
Col. O'Neill: Wait, you don't s'pose that's why they want us, do you? You know, the three of us.
Dr. Jackson: To...to mate with? No, I don't think so.
Col. O'Neill: Cause you know me, I'm all for helping people.
Maj. Carter: [laughing] Oh, God!

Evolution, Part 1 [7.11]

[edit]
Col. Reynolds: Not much faith in Plan A?
Col. O'Neill: Since when has Plan A ever worked?
Col. O'Neill: [To Ramius] Greetings! Well, uh, I know how this looks. So, I think it's important we clear up any misunderstanding right away. We did not come to kill you. Honest. Am I right!? The fact is, and this is the fun part, we actually came to save your ass...es. All your asses. Do you see the irony? All right, there's this guy out there, big guy, big guy in a black suit. None too fond of you Goa'ulds. Well, anyway, he's the one we're after, not you. So if you want to let us go, we'll be on our way, to save the world another da—you're not buying this, are you?
Ramius: Jaffa, Move Out!
[Ramius and his guards leave]
Maj. Carter: That went well.
Col. O'Neill: That went well.
Teal'c: Your lord will be slain as will you, if you do not free us.
Jaffa: My god will fight for his people.
Bratac: Your god is cowering right now like a frightened child. I have seen it before!
Teal'c: Ramius will have you all die for him, while he attempts to escape!

Evolution, Part 2 [7.12]

[edit]
Sgt. Siler: [adjusting Jacob's armor] How's that, sir?
Jacob: Pretty good. Reminds me of my old football days.
Sgt. Siler: They had helmets back in those days, sir?
Jacob: Funny.
Bra'tac: Teal'c! Are you hurt?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Bra'tac: Where?
Teal'c: My pride.
Jacob: Sam. Sam.
Major Carter: (grimacing) ugh.
Jacob: No lie still. Where does it hurt?
Major Carter: Everywhere.
Jacob: That's a good sign.
Burke: Watch your step ladies we're not in Minnesota anymore.
Burke: [pointing to the Ancient device] Is that that thing that made that guy do that thing?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, it's okay, it's off now.
Col. O'Neill: Good. That's good.
Dr. Lee: Yeah, at least we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore so…
Dr. Jackson: Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore it shouldn't be on anymore.
Dr. Lee: [to Daniel] Do you want to hold it?
Dr. Jackson: Nope. [moves away]
Burke: (laughs) That's crazy!

Grace [7.13]

[edit]
[Alone on Prometheus, Carter is hallucinating that the rest of SG-1 is with her.]
Maj. Carter: Were you this annoying when you were ascended?
Dr. Jackson: I dunno, depends on who you ask. I thought I had a certain je ne sais quoi. Timing was so-so.
Daniel Jackson: Hey! Have I told you my latest theory yet? It's really cool. Lose something?
Maj. Carter: Did you see a…
Daniel Jackson: Little girl?
Maj. Carter: Yeah.
Daniel Jackson: No.
Teal'c: You are like a brother to me, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: You're like, what, 140?
Teal'c: A younger brother, perhaps. But that is not my point.
Col. O'Neill: All right Carter, come on, on your feet let's go.
Maj. Carter: I was wondering when you were going to show up.
Col. O'Neill: You just gonna sit there?
Maj. Carter: Too tired sir.
Col. O'Neill: Samantha, I'm a figment of your imagination. You're gonna call me Sir?
Maj. Carter: Old habit. Sorry.
Col. O'Neill: So, you gonna save yourself or what?
Maj. Carter: I've tried.
Col. O'Neill: Just giving up then?
Maj. Carter: I just don't know what else to do right now.
Col. O'Neill: You'll think of something.
Maj. Carter: Came to give me a pep talk?
Col. O'Neill: That's what friends are for.
Maj. Carter: Friends...
Col. O'Neill: Hey. This is you talking here. Might as well be honest.
Maj. Carter: What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?
Col. O'Neill: I would never ask you to give up your career.
Maj. Carter: Because you don't feel anything for me?
Col. O'Neill: Carter...
Maj. Carter: I'd let you go right now if I knew.
Col. O'Neill: That easy?
Maj. Carter: I didn't say it would be easy.
Col. O'Neill: Then what's stopping you if you really wanna know?
Maj. Carter: I'm trying.
Col. O'Neill: Maybe it's not me that's the problem here. Let's face it, I'm not that complex.
Maj. Carter: Me?
Col. O'Neill: Sam. I'm a safe bet.
Maj. Carter: As long as I'm thinking about you, setting my sights on what I think is unobtainable, there's no chance of being hurt by someone else.
Col. O'Neill: Jacob was right. You deserve more. I will always be there for you, no matter what. Believe me.
Maj. Carter: So what now?
Col. O'Neill: Go save your ass.
Maj. Carter: One last thing... [Sam imagines them kissing.] Never mind.
Col. O'Neill: Hey.
Maj. Carter: Jack?
Col. O'Neill: [Shocked] Excuse me?
Maj. Carter: Sorry, Sir.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, well, a massive concussion will tend to disorient one.
Maj. Carter: How long was I out there?
Col. O'Neill: It's all relative Carter, that whole time space continuum thing.
Maj. Carter: Sir...
Col. O'Neill: Four days.
Maj. Carter: Could have sworn it was weeks.
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c and Daniel say 'Hi'. They're planning a little bit of a shindig for when you're up and around. There's talk of cake.
Maj. Carter: [Smiles] Cake?
Col. O'Neill: My idea!
Maj. Carter: Can't wait.
Col. O'Neill: Need anything? Magazine? Yo yo?
Maj. Carter: I'm fine.
Col. O'Neill: Yes you are.
Maj. Carter: Thank you Sir.
Col. O'Neill: For what?
Maj. Carter: ... Nothing.
Col. O'Neill: Think nothing of it. I've got plenty of that.

Fallout [7.14]

[edit]
[The leaders of Langara have been negotiating with the SGC for a planet to evacuate to]
Col. O'Neill: You folks are done.
Dreylock: I don't understand.
Col. O'Neill: Well, you see, we actually like the Medronans. They're nice people. And we've decided there's no way we'd subject them to the likes of you. [smiles innocently] Deal's off. You're toast.
Dr. Jackson: [regarding the SGC] Miss it?
Jonas: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Jackson: Well, judging from what you have to deal with back on Kelowna, I'm not surprised. I think I'd take life-threatening danger over one of those council meetings any day of the week.
Col. O'Neill: Daniel, their planet's going to explode!
Dr. Jackson: Jack.
Col. O'Neill: The whole damn planet!
Col. O'Neill: [To the leaders of Langara] That's what you get for dickin' around.

Chimera [7.15]

[edit]
Maj. Carter: I feel compelled to warn you, most of the guys I've dated recently have died.
[Elevator doors open to reveal Col. O'Neill]
Maj. Carter: Colonel!
Col. O'Neill: Carter.
Dr. Jackson: Coffee (Yawns)
[Maj. Carter begins humming the show's theme music as she and Col. O'Neill ride an elevator.]
Col. O'Neill: Humming?
Maj. Carter: I am?
Col. O'Neill: You are.
Maj. Carter: Sorry.
Col. O'Neill: What's his name?
Maj. Carter: Now, why would you…
Col. O'Neill: Humming.
Maj. Carter: Pete.
Col. O'Neill: Pete.
Maj. Carter: Pete Shanahan, he's a cop.
Col. O'Neill: Speeding again, are we?
Maj. Carter: From Denver, he's a friend of my brother's.
Col. O'Neill: Set up.
Maj. Carter: Pathetic, I know.
Col. O'Neill: No, it's great.
Maj. Carter: Really?
Col. O'Neill: Isn't it?
Maj. Carter: Well, it's not serious.
Col. O'Neill: And yet...it is...hum-worthy.
Maj. Carter: Sir...
Col. O'Neill: Carter, it's none of my business, I'm just happy you're happy about something other than...quarks. [Pauses] Not bad with the quarks, huh?
Maj. Carter: Oh, excellent.
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Bit uncomfortable, isn't it?
Maj. Carter: Yeah, a bit.
Col. O'Neill: Good luck.
Maj. Carter: Thank you, sir.
Teal'c: Knowing your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Dr. Jackson: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing on many levels.
Gen. Hammond: You're suggesting that Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Dr. Jackson's dreams?
Maj. Carter: We think it's possible, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Kinky.

Death Knell [7.16]

[edit]
Maj. Carter: It's done. It's just not… finished.
Maj. Carter: Have you not had your coffee this morning?
Jacob: ... Selmak doesn't like coffee.
Maj. Carter: You gave up coffee for your symbiote?
Col. O'Neill: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Heroes, Part 1 [7.17]

[edit]
[Emmett Bregman is attempting to interview all the top officers of the SGC, including SG-1]
Bregman: Col. O'Neill. Hi. I'm—
Col. O'Neill: [walking right past him] I like vanilla over chocolate, my favorite color is peridot, I think Tibet should be free, and if I could have dinner with anyone in the world, it'd be Mary Steenburgen.
Bregman: No-no, I'm just trying… Mary Steenburgen?
Col. O'Neill: I think she's nice.
[Jackson has just led Bregman's camera crew on a chase through the SGC to his office, just to pick up a fax, which he reads aloud.]
Bregman: What is the, uh…what is the significance of that?
Dr. Jackson: It's fascinating.
Bregman: It's fasc…Okay. [to his crew] Back up. Back up. [back to Daniel] Uh, that's it? It's "fascinating"? Then why were we running?
Dr. Jackson: Oh, uh, I just wanted to see if you'd chase me. [grins]
[Carter gives a whole long presentation on the Stargate's inner workings]
Bregman: …could we get a shot of the Gate spinning?
Maj. Carter: [sarcastically] Sure. It's really cool. Steam comes out of it and everything.
[SG-13 is exploring a new planet, heavily forested]
Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here.
Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir?
Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells?
Airman Wells: Abandoned naquadah mine.
Col. Dixon: Boring. But good odds. Bosworth?
Bosworth: I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.
Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.
Airman Wells: Hostile or friendly, sir?
Col. Dixon: One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?
Dr. Balinsky: Oh, the ruins of an ancient city.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, you wish.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers... you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don't suffocate them in their sleep.
Airman Wells: Sir, you have four kids.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my work so much? Don't get me wrong, I love those little buggers to death, but trust me, having four kids makes going through a Stargate facing off against alien bad guys look like nothing. This is relaxing.
Airman Wells: Then why did you have four?
Col. Dixon: Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much harder than two", right? What you don't realize is that your brain's fried because you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.
Airman Wells: Can't wait, sir.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.
[SG-13 finds a ruined city]
Dr. Balinsky: Oh, Dr. Jackson's gonna die when he sees this!
Col. Dixon: What, again?
Col. O'Neill: I though as much sir. And I just wanted to express my deep and unyielding... love for you sir.
Bregman: You know, I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.
Col. O'Neill: Fire away. I hope shots of my ass serve you well.

Heroes, Part 2 [7.18]

[edit]
Maj. Carter: [Enters Col. O'Neill's private medical quarters] Sir, heard you were up and around.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah... argh... still a little tender but they said I could go home.
Maj. Carter: We're lucky that staff blast hit you where it did. That new vest inserts works well.
Col. O'Neill: Didn't help Fraiser much...
Maj. Carter: ... No.
Col. O'Neill: [after a moments silence] How's Cassie?
Maj. Carter: She's a strong kid, she survives, you know...
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. You speaking at the memorial?
Maj. Carter: [nods] Sir... I... I just wanted to say... When you were lying there, I... [fights back tears] I'm really glad you're okay.
Col. O'Neill: [Walks over to her] C'mere. [He pulls her into a hug]
Capt. Carter: Janet Fraiser was an extraordinary person. She was kind and funny and talented. Above all, she was courageous. Try as I might I could not find the words to honor her, to do justice to her life. Thankfully I got some help. While words alone may not be enough, there are some names that might do. We often talk about those that give their lives in the service of their country, and while Janet Fraiser did just that, that's not what her life was about. The following are the names of the men and women who did not die in service, but who are in fact alive today because of Janet.

Resurrection [7.19]

[edit]
Dr. Jackson: Someone from a top secret, not to mention illegal, NID operation called 911?
Dr. Jackson: Ever had a birthday? You know a birthday, cake with candles on it, funny hats, pin the tail on the donkey, that kind of thing.

Inauguration [7.20]

[edit]
[President Hayes is reading through SG-1's reports]
Pres. Hayes: "Hosted alien dignitaries"… "Acquired alien technology"… "Traveled back in time"? …Did they really blow up a sun?
Gen. Maynard: As I understand it, sir, yes they did.
Pres. Hayes: That's gotta look awfully good on the ol' résumé, eh?
Pres. Hayes: How these people maintain their sanity is beyond me. I'm having trouble just sitting here listening to it.

Lost City, Part 1 [7.21]

[edit]

[Talking to Dr. Jackson over the phone]
Col. O'Neill: No, no, no, wait. Don't hang up. I need a seven-letter word.
Dr. Jackson: I told Sam I wouldn't help you.
Col. O'Neill: Well then, this will be the one thing she doesn't know. "Up, Down, Charm"... Blank.
Dr. Jackson: "Strange."
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, thanks anyway.
Dr. Jackson: No, the word you're looking for is... [O'Neill hangs up]
[Cut to Colonel O'Neill stepping out of the elevator where Daniel, Teal'c and Sam are waiting impatiently]
Col. O'Neill: How long have you been standing there?
Dr. Jackson: You said half an hour an hour ago.
Maj. Carter: General Hammond is waiting for us.
[Colonel O'Neill hands Maj. Carter the crossword puzzle]
Maj. Carter: The fate of the universe is hanging in the balance and you've been sitting in your truck finishing this?
Col. O'Neill: I believe the bet was double or nothing. [SG1 begins walking up the stairs towards the briefing room]
Maj. Carter: Okay, 23 across, "the atomic weight of boron." The answer is ten.
Col. O'Neill: So?
Maj. Carter: You wrote "fat."
Col. O'Neill: Your point?
Daniel Jackson: [Describing the particulars of the Ancient device] Except for it wasn't meant for a physiology as primitive as ours.
Col. O'Neill: Easy fella ...
Daniel Jackson: Sorry.
Col. O'Neill: [Sitting on the ground] You know we've searched this place up and down...
Daniel Jackson: I know.
Col. O'Neill: We could have Goa'uld on our collective asses any minute now...
Daniel Jackson: I know....According to the text on this column, it's inside.
Col. O'Neill: [Sarcastically] Inside you say. Well let me tell you my friend. There is no inside. There's just a whole lot of [Hands pointing out for dramatic effect] outside.
Maj. Carter: ... It will overwhelm his nervous system, and the Colonel will....
Col. O'Neill: What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushing up daisies here and there?
Gen. Hammond: Colonel, you should be in the infirmary.
Col. O'Neill: Why? We all know exactly what's gonna happen. In a few days I start speaking some strange language. A few days after that I start doing things beyond my control, and a few days after that, it's goodnight my someone, goodnight. So with your permission sir I'd like to take the weekend to get some personal things together.
Maj. Carter: The last time, it did take a couple of days before we noticed any change in the Colonel's behavior.
Col. O'Neill: I'll be back on Monday ready to work.
Gen. Hammond: Permission granted.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you sir. Now if you'll excuse me, my favorite television show starts in half an hour. [He walks away]
[At Col. O'Neill's house]
Col. O'Neill: Hammond send you by to check up on me?
Maj. Carter: No! It's funny really, I was out driving, you know....in my car, and I um... I drove here. [Laughs nervously] Yeah ...
Col. O'Neill: [Mockingly] "Funny."
Maj. Carter: Yeah...
Maj. Carter: Sir? [Sits down next to him on the sofa]
Col. O'Neill: [After a long pause of her just staring at him] What?
Maj. Carter: I should have done it.
Col. O'Neill: What? Stuck your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter. You're one of this country's natural resources. If not National treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way. I just hope it's worth it...
Maj. Carter: Even if we do find the Lost City. Even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet....
Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts her] THAT ... would be worth it. [Jack and Sam stare at each other until a knock at the door interrupts their moment]
Daniel Jackson: [Opens the front door and pops his head in] Hello!?
Col. O'Neill: [Sam smiles in disappointment. Jack sideways glances at her before calling out to Daniel and Teal'c] In here!
Daniel Jackson: [He and Teal’c slowly walk in the door. They peer around the corner ans see Sam and Jack sitting close] Oh sorry, are we interrupting anything?
Col. O'Neill and Maj. Carter: [Dismissively] No...
Col. O'Neill: What are you doing here?
Daniel Jackson: Oh we ... well it's ... it's a funny story actually. We, we, ah, were driving by and we, uh ... saw Sam's car in the driveway, and ... and ... uh ...
Col. O'Neill: [Nudging Sam's arm, sarcastically] Funny.
Daniel Jackson: ... Teal'c said to me. Well he didn't actually say anything. He just kinda looked at me and did that eyebrow raise thing that he kinda does and I said to him, I said 'hey, why don't we stop by and'...
Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts Daniel] Is that doughnuts?
Teal'c: [Holds up the box, beaming] Indeed!
Col. O'Neill: [a la Monty Burns] Excellent!

[Everyone is very drunk]
Col. O'Neill: You are so wrong. It's a perfect analogy: Burns as Goa'uld.
Teal'c: They are merely animated characters, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: You are so shallow.
Dr. Jackson: Oh, Please! Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's so deep. [to Teal'c] Come-come on, tell 'em how deep you are. [to O'Neill, excitedly] You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c: My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Dr. Jackson: Oooo! Y'see!
Col. O'Neill: No more beer for you.
Maj. Carter: I'm sorry, sir, but I have to agree. I don't see the connection.
Col. O'Neill: All right, that does it. You know, the entire VHS collection was going to one of you. It's going to Siler. He gets it.
Col. O'Neill: I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for… food.
Dr. Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Dr. Jackson: Subtle, huh?
[It is also a lie, as Daniel never saw the stargate before he figured out how it worked]
Dr. Weir: I've been awake all weekend. The reality of this is…it's an adrenaline rush.
Dr. Jackson: Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!
[Anubis has announced his plan to invade Earth in three days.]
Col. O'Neill: Three days from now's a Thursday. Thursday's no good for us.
[Master Bra'tac comes through the Stargate, walks down the ramp and gives Dr. Weir an odd look.]
Dr. Jackson: This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She's the new leader of this facility.
[Dr. Weir extends her hand.]
Dr. Weir: Hello.
Bra'tac: Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?
Dr. Weir: Oh, no sir, he's fine!
Col. O'Neill: And you are?
Dr. Weir: I am Dr. Elizabeth Weir. Colonel.
Vice President Kinsey: You can just call her your one hope of ever stepping through the stargate again.
Col. O'Neill: Bit of a mouthful.
Dr. Weir: I know I'm playing catch-up, but uh, I understand time is short.
Col. O'Neill: Actually it's all relative, ma'am; Carter could explain it better if we had more time.

Lost City, Part 2 [7.22]

[edit]

Dr. Jackson: "Praclarush Taonas." Jack, this is it!
Col. O'Neill: See, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.
Dr. Jackson: Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.
Col. O'Neill: Following. Still. You. Not!
Maj. Carter: The clue for seven down is "celestial body." He wrote "Uma Thurman."
Col. O'Neill: [smiling] Yes.
Col. O'Neill: Daniel... I don't speak Ancient... yet, and when I do.. eventually, you know I'll never understand it.
Dr. Jackson: You have to try.
Col. O'Neill: Last time, things just popped into my fron.
Dr. Jackson: Fron is head.
Col. O'Neill: See. I have no idea what you are talking about.
[O'Neill has torn Jackson's Tau'ri patch off his shoulder and is staring at it.]
Dr. Jackson: Jack, what are you doing?
Col. O'Neill: At.
Maj. Carter: What?
Col. O'Neill: At.
Dr. Jackson: This.
Col. O'Neill: That.
Dr. Jackson: That is at?
Col. O'Neill: You can stop... that.
[SG-1 is taking a great deal of equipment through the Stargate]
Dr. Weir: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink left in the kitchen.
Col. O'Neill: Is that a joke?
Dr. Weir: Perhaps. A bad one
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Very bad. But I sense hope for you.
[SG1 and Bra'tac are in the scout ship]
Col. O'Neill: [Making adjustments to the crystals] Give me your zat. [Sam hands over a zat and Jack shoots the crystals. The engine sound increases. Jack closes the zat and hands it back to Sam.] There you go.
Maj. Carter: Sir. I think you should know that General Hammond authorised me to take command of the team if I determined that you ...
Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts her] Do it now.
Maj. Carter: Sir, I don’t think that’s necessary ...
Col. O'Neill: I trust you. I’ll make it easy for you. I resign. You’re in charge.
Maj. Carter: [Hesitates] OK... Sir, at your house before Daniel and Teal’c showed up, what I was gonna say was ...
Col. O'Neill: I know. [They stare at each other]
Col. O'Neill: Then you know more than I do.
Maj. Carter: No, sir, I don’t. Now... sit down and take a look. [Pauses awkwardly] That’s an order.
Col. O'Neill: [Jack walks past Sam on his way to take the controls of the scout ship] Easy.
[A hologram of Anubis appears in the Oval Office. Everyone in the office begins to act frightened except for President Hayes.]
Anubis: I am Anubis.
[President Hayes steps forward.]
President Hayes: You've got to be kidding!
Anubis: You are the leader of this world?
President Hayes: Henry Hayes, President of the United States of America, one nation among many.
Anubis: No more. Bow before your god.
President Hayes: [laughs] I don't think so! However, I am willing to discuss your surrender.
Anubis: If you possessed weapons matching mine, you would have used them.
President Hayes: Don't let the suit fool you, fella. We're gonna fight.
Anubis: You bring destruction upon yourselves.
President Hayes: [pointedly] Never going to happen.
[The hologram of Anubis disappears; President Hayes turns around to face the others.]
President Hayes: Too much?
President Hayes: Will you shut the hell up?
Dr. Weir: Sorry, sir.
President Hayes: Not you, Doctor.
Kinsey: Excuse me?
President Hayes: Consider your resignation accepted, Bob.
Kinsey: You can't do that!
President Hayes: Oh, please! I've got enough on you to have ya shot.
Kinsey: This is the biggest mistake you will ever make.
President Hayes: But I think I'll stick to my original thought, which is shut the hell up!
Teal'c: Anubis could not have missed our arrival.
Bra'tac: You are correct. Alkesh and gliders approach. Many.
[Cut to the outside with the hovering shuttle burning through the ice with a white hot beam. In the distance a large swarm of gliders and several Alkesh bear down upon the shuttle.]
Bra'tac: They will be in firing range in thirty seconds. More ships approach from the opposite direction.
Maj. Carter: [turning to the back of the shuttle's cargo bay where O'Neill is] Sir! We are about to get our ...!
Bra'tac: They are NOT Goa'uld.
[Outside the swarm of Goa'uld ships fly in a tight formation when suddenly two missles hit one of the Alkesh blowing it from the sky. More missles hit, blowing apart gliders and Alkesh as several squadrons of F-302 fighters intercept the Goa'uld ships bringing them down short of the shuttle. Behind the fighters the massive Prometheus slides over the shuttle shielding it from further attacks.]
Gen. Hammond: [On the bridge of the Prometheus] Protect that scout ship at all costs!
[The Ancient weapons are destroying the Goa'uld fleet]
He'rak: Our shields are of no use!
Anubis: NOOOO!
[Anubis' mothership explodes]
[In in the ice cave. Jack is in the Ancient chair. He passes out]
Maj. Carter: Sir? [She goes over to Jack and straightens his head to feel his pulse] Sir... His pulse is erratic. [To Jack] Don’t you dare leave us now. We won. [Jack part-opens his eyes and moves his head weakly. Sam takes hold of his chin.] Colonel.
Maj. Carter: [Pleads desperately] Please... Jack.
[SG-1 has just placed a dying O'Neill in stasis]
Maj. Carter: We can't just leave him like this! Th-there has to be a way to reverse the process. The answer has to be here.
Dr. Jackson: I don't think this is it, Sam.
Maj. Carter: What do you mean?
Dr. Jackson: The dome is too small. It's like Taonas. It's obviously not a city, it's just an outpost of some kind.
Maj. Carter: This isn't Atlantis?
Dr. Jackson: I don't think so.
Teal'c: If this is not the Lost City...then where is it?
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