Stargate SG-1/Season 1
Season 1 [ edit ]
[First lines of the series]
[Soldiers are playing cards in the deserted Gate Room]
Dealer: Oh, man, this hand's as lousy as this detail. All right everybody, in or out?
[O'Neill has tossed a Kleenex box through the Stargate to Abydos as a message to Jackson]
Maj. Samuels: What if the aliens get it?
: Well, they could be blowing their noses right now. Col. O'Neill
: Oh, here we go. Another scientist. General, please. Col. O'Neill
: Theoretical astrophysicist. Capt. Carter
: Which means? Col. O'Neill
: Which means she's smarter than you are, Colonel. Especially in matters related to the Stargate. Gen. Hammond
: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside, doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle. Capt. Carter
Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.
Capt. Carter: Colonel, I logged over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you? Or are we going to have to arm wrestle?
[While examining the DHD on Abydos]
Capt. Carter: Amazing. This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it. It took us 15 years and 3 supercomputers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth. Look how small it is!
[Carter is meeting Daniel Jackson for the first time.]
Capt. Carter: Dr. Jackson, I presume.
Col. O'Neill: I can save these people!!
[Teal'c points his staff weapon at Jack.]
Col. O'Neill: Help me! [pause, quieter] Help me.
: Many have said that. Teal'c
[Teal'c suddenly turns and shoots another Jaffa. Then tosses O'Neill his staff weapon.]
Teal'c: But you are the first I believe could do it!
[Teal'c has betrayed Apophis and all the refugees have fled, leaving him standing forlornly in the chamber.]
Col. O'Neill: Hey, come on!
Teal'c: I have nowhere to go.
O'Neill: For this you can stay at my place, let's go!
[Teal'c pulls up his shirt and the infant Goa'uld comes out of the pouch]:
Jack O'Neill: What the hell is that?!
Teal'c: It is an infant Goa'uld, the larval form of the gods. I have carried one since I was a child, as all Jaffa carry one.
Jack O'Neill: Well, get it out of there.
Teal'c: In exchange for carrying the infant Goa'uld into maturity, a Jaffa receives perfect health and long life. If I were to remove it, I would eventually die.
Jack O'Neill: Hell, if I were you, I'd take my chances.
[Daniel and Sam are discussing whether or not the Stargate can go to other planets.]
Daniel: I'm no astrophysicist, but isn't it possible that planets can drift apart?
Carter: I knew I'd like you.
Daniel: You mean I'm right?
Col. O'Neill: You know, I'm kind of partial to P3575 if you don't mind taking P3A577.
Kawalsky: No I'll take 577.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not married to it.
Kawalsky: No, no it's_
Col. O'Neill: I want to be fair about it. How about we flip for it?
Gen. Hammond: How 'bout you go where I tell you!
: So this iris is gonna hold, right? Dr. Jackson
: Pure titanium less than three micrometers from the event horizon. It won't even allow matter to fully reintegrate. Capt. Carter
: Col. O'Neill [Looks blankly at Carter for a moment] ...So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Capt. Carter: If it doesn't, the fail-safe device will detonate, this whole mountain will vaporize and there'll be nothing to worry about.
Col. O'Neill: Ah, good! I feel much better.
Col. O'Neill: Like bugs on windshield.
: I will pledge my allegiance to this world. Teal'c
Col. O'Neill: I'm just not sure that's ever going to be enough for them to trust you. To be honest with you, I think they're scared of you.
Teal'c: I understand.
Col. O'Neill: You must be used to that by now, huh?
Teal'c: I am a Jaffa. I have served as a warrior for your enemy. I have carried your enemy within me.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. Well it's kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don't know.
Teal'c: Why is O'Neill not afraid?
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c, I saw you stand up to a god. Refuse to kill. I saw you make that decision.
Col. O'Neill: In that moment I learned everything I needed to know to trust you.
Col. O'Neill: Permission to barge in, sir?
Col. O'Neill: Listen, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Maj. Kawalsky: We're friends.
Col. O'Neill: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?
[Regarding Carter's dressing like the locals]
Dr. Jackson: Anthropologists do it all the time. They dress and live as the people they're studying.
Capt Carter: I'm not an anthropologist.
Col. O'Neill: [gleefully] You are today!
Abu: No! I cannot look at you!
: Ok, now I'm hurt. Capt. Carter
[At Jackson's suggestion to blend in with the local populace, Carter has allowed herself to be dressed in an elaborate and heavily embroidered silk headdress and gown]
: Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress. Capt. Carter
Abu: You are most beautiful woman I have ever seen.(Leaves tent)
Capt Carter: Uh, I guess the kid doesn't get out much.
Capt Carter: Look uh, I will not wear this thing over my face. I don't care how much embroidery it has on it. And this…dress, or whatever it's called, I mean…I can't move, I can't walk…
Col. O'Neill: I don't know. It…it kind of works for me. I, uh…
Dr Jackson: It's, it's you, it's…
Dr Jackson and Col. O'Neill: You.
Dr Jackson: Definitely you.
Col. O'Neill: All things considered… Samantha… if we have to come back here, it might be a better idea if we brought an all male team. No offense.
Capt Carter: Well, in view of the fact that you all get to go to this party tonight and I get to stay in this… yurt that smells like rancid yak butter, none taken. I'll just get a good night's sleep, and hope for better luck next time.
Col. O'Neill: You going to be all right?
Capt Carter: Still doubting me? I haven't been afraid of the dark since I was two.
: How is it that you always manage to come up with the worst case scenario? Dr. Jackson
: I practice. Col. O'Neill
: What a relief, I've never been so happy to see you guys! Capt. Carter
: Well, sure you have. Remember that time on P3X-595 you drank that stuff that made you take off-- Col. O'Neill
: Capt. Carter [interrupting] We won't get into that right now!
: So how Col. O'Neill do the Spirits decide who wins?
Sheva'da: It is a battle... to the death.
(Turgan unsheaths a long curved knife.)
: Hey! No one said anything about... Col. O'Neill [Multiple knives are pointed at his, Daniel's and Teal'c's throats]... knives!
: Do you think this thing is going to end up being a revolutionary drug back on Earth? Capt. Carter
: Well if it does, I'm sure someone else will end up getting credit for it. It's not like we can tell them where it really came from. Dr. Jackson
: Damn, guess I'm going to have to cancel that Oprah interview! Col. O'Neill
: What is an Oprah? Teal'c
: This is crazy. We don't know what could be there waiting for us when we come through. Dr. Jackson
Col. Makepeace: Don't you worry, boys. That's why the SG-3 Marines are comin' with. You can count on us to watch your backsides.
Dr. Jackson: Actually, it was more my front side I was worried about.
Col. Makepeace: Okay, we'll take point.
: Ah! We'll go through first. You watch our lovely backsides, remember? Col. O'Neill
Col. Makepeace: Have it your way, Flyboy.
: Oh, I got in a little wrestling match with Carter. Col. O'Neill
: Why? Dr. Jackson
Col. O'Neill: I guess she's got whatever Johnson's got. Had to drag her off to the infirmary.
Dr. Jackson: What, did she start a fight with you, like Johnson did with Teal'c?
Col. O'Neill: No, she, uh, tried to seduce me.
Dr. Jackson: Oh. [pause] You poor man...
: Col. O'Neill? Teal'c
Col. O'Neill: [imitating Desi Arnaz] Lucy, I'm home!
Teal'c: I am not Lucy.
Col. O'Neill: I know that. It's a reference to an old TV—never mind, open the door.
Teal'c: I will summon the doctor.
Col. O'Neill: No, come on. I'm fine. I'm back to being myself. Just open up.
Teal'c: I cannot be certain that you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as "Lucy."
Col. O'Neill: Daniel, you dog, you keep this up, you'll have a girl on every planet.
Capt. Carter: [uncomfortably] About my earlier behavior... I wasn't myself, and—
Col. O'Neill: Oh, Carter, I don't even remember your earlier behavior.
Capt. Carter: You don't?
Col. O'Neill: No, I was infected too, remember?
Capt. Carter: [relieved] Right! Good, I'm—I'm glad.
Col. O'Neill: By the way, how's the wound?
Capt. Carter: Wound?
Col. O'Neill: I understand you got stabbed in the stomach?
Capt. Carter: Oh, yeah, that—that was nothing. With any luck, there won't even be a scar.
Col. O'Neill: Well, good. I was concerned.
Capt. Carter: You were?
Col. O'Neill: Sure. [smiles] If it doesn't heal properly, you'll never wear that sweet little tank top number again.
[She stops in her tracks at that, and he keeps on walking.]
: Does it say "Colonel" Col. O'Neill anywhere on my uniform?
: This tastes like chicken. Dr. Jackson
: So what's wrong with it? Capt. Carter
Dr. Jackson: It's macaroni and cheese.
[Teal'c tests an alarm by tossing a rock into it]
Col. O'Neill: Perfect. If any little rocks sneak up on us, we'll have plenty of warning.
Capt. Carter: You're sick and you need help. [points a gun at Hanson]
Capt. Hanson: That's your idea of help?
Capt. Hanson: Do not betray me! I am your god.
: Dr. Jackson [on a walkie-talkie]: Jack, we've finished our recon, loaded up FRED and are ready to head back through the Gate. Is this...am I using this right?
[Teal'c has been watching television]
Teal'c: Your world is a strange place.
Dr. Jackson:...So is yours.
[Teal'c shoots a crystal with his staff weapon in the gate room]
: Capt. Carter [picking up a crystal shard] Here's a good one.
Technician: What's going on in there?
: You received permission for me to fire my staff weapon in the Gate Room? Teal'c
[Carter and Jackson glance uncertainly at one another, there is a pause]
Capt. Carter: [Turning quickly to leave] Oh, yeah.
Dr. Jackson: [Turning quickly to leave] Absolutely.
[Col O'Neill has been placed in a cell and is being observed through a video]
: Come on, get me out of here! Tell you what. Let me put it nicely. Col O'Neill [gets on a chair and gets his face into the video] Get me the hell out of here!
: If that isn't O'Neill, I want to know who the hell we're looking at. Gen. Hammond
[SG-1 is going off base, Teal'c is taking his staff with him]
Gen. Hammond: Teal'c, you'll have to leave that here.
Teal'c: I have seen your world. I will need it.
Gen. Hammond: Can't let you take your weapon, Teal'c. You—all of you—will be operating in public so you can't do or say anything that reveals the existence of the SGC or the Stargate.
[Hammond hands Teal'c a Chicago hat]
Teal'c: Chicago. The windy city. Home of the Black Hawks, the Bulls and the White Sox.
Col. O'Neill: Don't forget the Cubs.
[SG-1 is hunting an invisible beast called a "fenri"]
: We will find them most vulnerable when they hover. Teal'c
: Hover? Like a hummingbird? Dr. Jackson
Teal'c: With teeth.
: Um, sorry to drop in on you like this, but we were... dead. Col. O'Neill
Nefrayu: [indicating himself] Nefrayu.
: Nefrayu. Capt. Carter
Col. O'Neill: No, you can't keep him.
Dr. Jackson: I think they're a family.
Col. O'Neill: Of what?
[O'Neill and Jackson are trying to explain to Nefrayu's father why they are hunting Apophis]
Col. O'Neill: He's just...bad. He's very...
Dr. Jackson: ...bad.
Col. O'Neill: ...bad. We just wanted to take him back to our world and have a little chat with him about all the nasty...
O'Neill & Jackson: ...bad...
Col. O'Neill: ...things he's been doing.
[O'Neill asks Nefrayu to go home but he does not, and ends up missing]
Col. O'Neill: I told him to go home.
Anteaus : I told you the same. The very young do not always do what they are told.
[Referring to both the young Nefrayu and to the relatively "young" race of humans]
Col. O'Neill: Shak'l thinks we're unarmed, Apophis thinks he's invulnerable.
Dr. Jackson: And... they're right. I think I found a flaw in your plan.
Dr. Jackson: I felt that blast kill me. I thought I-I thought we were dead. Weren't we dead?
Capt. Carter: Yeah.
Dr. Jackson: Okay. Well I thought heaven would be a little more upscale.
Capt. Carter: Oh, I don't think this is heaven.
: It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae. Dr. Jackson
: Thought you said it was Greek. Col. O'Neill
Dr. Jackson: Oh, uh... Mycenae was an ancient city in the southern Peloponnese region.
Col. O'Neill: Where's that?
Dr. Jackson: Greece.
Col. O'Neill: Why do I do that?
: Hiya kids. Col. O'Neill
Gairwyn: You're a little short for gods.
(Jack and Teal'c are walking along in the caves.)
: You should not have attempted to rescue me from the beam. If you had not done so you would not be here now. Teal'c
: Oh, you'd have done the same for me. Course, you're not going to find me walking around with one of those Goa'uld larvae in my gut, but hey. Col. O'Neill
Teal'c: It is dead.
Col. O'Neill: That's good.
Teal'c: I believe.
Col. O'Neill: You "believe"?
Teal'c: I am certain.
Teal'c: I am.
O'Neill: Just a myth?
Teal'c: A myth.
(later as the Unas roars in the distance)
O'Neill: Just a myth, huh?
Unas: Your weapons cannot kill me! I know the secrets of the Labrynth. I could help you escape.
O'Neill: A map would be nice.
[O'Neill begins shooting the Unas]
Teal'c: Are you considering the same tactic as I?
O'Neill: Teal'c, the cliché is, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" And the answer's yes.
: The Pentagon said this was everything. Dr. Jackson
: Oh, please! The Pentagon's lost entire countries. Col. O'Neill
Col. O'Neill: You gotta go that one step further, don't you?
: Gen. Hammond [angrily] Colonel, did you authorize Dr. Jackson to reveal classified information to this civilian?
Col. O'Neill: Absolutely not, sir! In fact, I advised him not to say anything to her in spite of the fact that she used to run the entire program and is responsible for most of our current knowledge about the Gate.
[Catherine Langford is about to go through the Stargate for the first time.]
Col. O'Neill: It's a piece of cake.
[They go through.]
Dr. Jackson: You okay?
: That was some piece of cake. Catherine Langford
Col. O'Neill: Daniel, before your head explodes, may I remind you that we've got more important things to deal with right now?
Catherine Langford: You don't recognize me?
Dr. Littlefield: C-Catherine? Hmm.
Catherine Langford: Fifty years. And that's all he has to say.
: Where's Daniel? Capt. Carter
Col. O'Neill: Oh, Ernest is showing him a new toy.
Captain Carter: Really? What?
Col. O'Neill: Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or something like that.
Col. O'Neill: Alright, basic survival training. We know what we have, what do we need?
: Teal'c [stating the obvious] We have the Stargate. We need the Dial Home Device.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you, Teal'c.
Capt. Carter: The Dial-Home Device just fell through the floor into the ocean.
Dr. Jackson: So what are we going to do?
Capt. Carter: That thing may have a power source in it that we can use to get the Gate working.
Dr. Jackson: Uh...No! [horrified] You don't understand—this book may contain knowledge of the universe. I mean, this is—this is meaning-of-life stuff.
Col. O'Neill: I'm no scientist, but couldn't we use that Ben Franklin thing?
: No prize is worth obtaining if you can never share it. Believe me, I know. Dr. Littlefield
[They're about to return through the Stargate.]
Catherine Langford: It's a piece of cake.
Dr. Littlefield: Not from what I remember.
[Bra'tac is looking SG-1 down]
Bra'tac: You, you are among the warriors who defeated the palace guard at Chulak? A human woman?
Capt. Carter: Hey, I'll have you know that I kicked my--
Bra'tac: [to Jackson] And you? A warrior of great skill and cunning? I could snap you like kindling. [to Teal'c] How could you bring these ha'sak with you?
Col. O'Neill: Hey, who you calling a hassick? [pause] What's a hassick?
Bra'tac You challenge me, ha'sak?
Col. O'Neill: Uh, no, we didn't come to fight you.
Bra'tac: A shame.
[Bra'tac swings his staff weapon at O'Neill, who uses it to knock him to the ground]
Col. O'Neill: We're here on a mission. If you don't want to be a part of it, just say so.
Bra'tac: You choose your friends well Teal'c. Though were I a hundred years younger, it might not have been quite so easy.
Col. O'Neill: You're over a hundred years old? God, I'm sorry.
[O'Neill extends a hand to Bra'tac, who pulls him to the ground with ease]
Bra'tac: One hundred and thirty three.
Col. O'Neill: You must work out.
Teal'c: If we are caught, you will be brought before Apophis along with us.
Col. O'Neill: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Bra'tac: No. The bridge is too well guarded.
Col. O'Neill: Here's the plan--
Bra'tac: I will lead. You will follow.
Col. O'Neill: Right.
[At a wake being held for Daniel, O'Neill, frustrated and angry, has just broken a window on Gen. Hammond's car]
Gen. Hammond: You know, that's my car, don't you?.
Col. O'Neill: You should get that window fixed.
[SG-1 are going through Daniel's things after he has been declared MIA]
: Capt. Carter [reading from Daniel's Abydos diary] "Col. O'Neill thinks I'm a geek. I have no idea how to get us back. I'll never get paid."
: I'm not a big fan of that "bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog" stuff. Col. O'Neill
Col. O'Neill: About that apartment...
: Oh, you didn't! Dr. Jackson
Capt. Carter: The, um, day after the memorial service.
Dr. Jackson: Memorial service?
Capt. Carter: Yeah. Colonel said some nice things.
Dr. Jackson: H-he did. [pause] He did?
: We are Hathor. You would be wise to unbind us and kneel before your goddess. Hathor
: Col. O'Neill [looks down] Hello.
: Hathor? Dr. Jackson
Col. O'Neill:You've heard of her?
Dr. Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Col. O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll?
Dr. Jackson: In a manner of speaking.
Hathor: May we take your hand?
: Gen. Hammond [suspiciously] Why?
Hathor: We wish to kiss it. To bless you with fertility and joy.
Col. O'Neill: Well, you can't pass that up, sir.
Hathor: You, with the crown of marble!
Col. O'Neill: [to Hammond] She might mean you, sir.
[Carter and Frasier sneak up on Gen. Hammond, and Carter knocks him out with the butt of her gun]
: Yeah, my career is over. Capt. Carter
: Don't worry about it. I can fix him up as good as new when this thing is over. Dr. Fraiser
Capt. Carter: Great. So he can bring me up on charges.
: Ok on three. One... Capt. Carter
(Teal'c walks straight through the door without waiting for the count)
[Carter is looking at the healed abdomen of O'Neill, who has no memory of past events]
Capt. Carter: Wow! It's a miracle!
Col. O'Neill (confused): Crunches.
Dr. Fraiser: [inspecting Goa'uld slime] Maybe we'll at least get a cellular level analysis on the Goa'ulds, maybe we'll even find some DNA information.
Dr. Jackson: [uncomfortably] A lot of that will probably be mine.
Col. O'Neill: Ew.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah.
: So, what exactly are we going to see after this eclipse begins? I mean, it Dr. Jackson is black, and it is a hole...
: Well, it might be a Col. O'Neill black hole.
Dr. Jackson: Okay. Let me put that a different way...
: You can actually see matter spiralling towards it.. Capt. Carter
Col. O'Neill: Actually, it's called the Accretion disc.
Dr. Jackson: You can see why the local population would be afraid of i...What did you just say?!
Col. O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term.
: You didn't think the colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors did you? Capt. Carter
Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] not initially...
: You know, I wish you wouldn't say "harvest." We're talking about human beings, not brussels sprouts. Dr. Jackson
: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event. Dr. Jackson
: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet. Col. O'Neill
: Has it ever occurred to anyone that he might not be guilty? Col. O'Neill
Byrsa woman: If was not guilty, there would be no Cor-ai
: Innocent until proven guilty. Ever heard of it? Col. O'Neill
: Actually, throughout history the idea's pretty rare. Most cultures usually assume things the other way around. Dr. Jackson [O'Neill gives Jackson a very angry look] I'm just saying.
: You sure you're up to this? Dr. Jackson
: Why? You don't think I am? Col. O'Neill
: Well, it's—it's just that I've never actually heard you referred to as a diplomat. I think, um, "antagonist" was the word used. Dr. Jackson
: But I'm his commanding officer. It comes with the turf. Col. O'Neill
: Wouldn't Daniel be better suited, as a linguist and cultural expert? Capt. Carter
: All right, we'll all do it. How's that? Col. O'Neill
: Fine. Dr. Jackson
: Co-co-counsels. Works for me. Capt. Carter
Hanno: I have just one question for you.
: Dr. Jackson [deflated] What is it?
Hanno: Can any of his present or future actions bring my father back from the dead.
: No nothing will do that. Dr. Jackson
Hanno: Then obviously no amount of good done in the past or the present will erase the guilt of what he has done.
: I told you before O'Neill, I will not run! Teal'c
: Teal'c, you're coming with us, even if I have to knock you out, and drag you out myself. Got it? Col. O'Neill
: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people's affairs. Gen. Hammond
Col. O'Neill: Since when?
:Since the election of this administration! Gen. Hammond
Hanno: You would protect those who want to kill you?
: I would protect those who deserve to live. Teal'c
Hanno: (repentant) I was mistaken. My memory was faulty. You are not he who killed my father.
: I am the one. Teal'c
Hanno: No. He is dead. You have killed him.
Airman: Gen. Hammond. Sir. The refugees... they've disappeared.
: What do you mean, "disappeared"? Col. Maybourne
Airman: I mean, like "Poof!" sir.
: Why did you call me out here? Gen. Hammond
: Cuz Maybourne's not. Col. O'Neill
: I have a presidential order to take the aliens with me. Stop them. Use force if necessary. Col. Maybourne
Lya: (to Daniel) Your race has learned nothing. But you have. The Tollan are most welcome to join the Nox. Please come.
(The Tollan file up onto the Stargate ramp.)
: Stop! Col. Maybourne
(Lya face betrays disappointment as she raises her arms over her head in a circular motion. Behind her the Stargate folds active in sync with her arms)
(The Tolan turn toward the Stargate and each turns watery and disappears, leaving the gate room personnel pointing their guns at empty air.)
: Fire! Fire! Col. Maybourne
(Each of the weapons in the hands of the gate room personnel also turn watery and disappear from their grasp. Finally Lya glides back into the active Stargate and it deactivates.)
: God, I love those people. Col. O'Neill
: You wouldn't think jagged bone digging into raw nerves would hurt, but it does. Col. O'Neill
Jack O'Neill: Then we'd better start looking for a way. Because I'll be damned if I'm going to die on some god-forsaken block of ice a million light years from home. Is that clear?
Capt. Carter: Yes Sir!
Jack O'Neill: Good. Now help me up.
Capt. Carter: Ah, I don't think you should move.
Jack O'Neill: Probably not, but my butt's freezing to the ground. Come on. [Carter helps him up] Ah. [They look around] Ah, a little paint, a coupla windows, maybe a fireplace in the corner, it'll be just like home.
Capt. Carter: [O'Neill's clasping his chest] What's wrong with your chest?
Jack O'Neill: I think I cracked a rib too.
Capt. Carter: Why didn't you say something?
Jack O'Neill: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it.
: I didn't know you could cook. Capt. Carter
Col. O'Neill: I can't, but my melted ice is to die for.
[Carter and O'Neill are lying close to one another for warmth.]
Capt. Carter: Colonel?
Col. O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear. [Sam starts to laugh] No giggling... please.
[Daniel has just realized Carter and O'Neill are on Earth and this is why they can't dial in.]
: Dr. Jackson [to Teal'c] What happens when you dial your own phone number? (Teal'C raises an eyebrow) Wrong person to ask... [turns to General Hammond] What happens when you dial your own phone number?
General Hammond: (excitedly) You get a busy signal.
Robot Carter: We are identical. Right down to the mole on our...
Capt. Carter: Hey! Hey! Shut up!
Robot Jack: Somebody stole my life. That's what happened.
Jack O'Neill: You talking about my life?
Robot Jack: Hey! I've got every right to it that you do!
[SG-1, except for Teal'c, has been duplicated in android form]
: Both Daniels think this is all fascinating, the Carters are arguing already, and Teal'c feels left out. Col. O'Neill
Jack O'Neill: Yeah well...there is, um, a little issue of security. You know everything I know about Earth. Codes, defenses...
Robot Jack: We'll bury the gate, don't worry. And don't even think about sending a bomb to make sure.
Jack O'Neill: I wasn't!
Robot Jack: Yes you were. I know you.
Jack O'Neill: All right. You have my word... colonel.
Robot Jack: Call me Jack.
Harlan: Colonel O'Neill?
Both O'Neills simultaneously: Ah, for cryin' out loud...
: Unless the last two years have been some wacky, wacky dream, I am a member of SG-1. Dr. Jackson
Dr. Jackson: Wh-where is Teal'c?
[Everyone in the briefing room looks surprised; they don't know who Daniel's talking about]
Dr. Jackson: Uh, big guy. Gold emblem on his head. Goa'uld in his stomach. You can't miss him.
: Scientists have theorized that there are an infinite number of dimensions, each containing a different possible version of reality. Dr. Carter
Dr. Jackson: Well, it sounds like I theoretically, possibly, actually found one.
[Sam and Jack hug and breifly kiss. Daniel looks towards Catherine in disbelief]
Catherine Langford: I take it they're not engaged in your reality?
Daniel Jackson: No.
: Come on Daniel, let's get you fixed up. Col. O'Neill
: No! There's no time! We're all in very big trouble! They're coming! Dr. Jackson They're coming...
: Now I know this is hard for you guys to believe, but I swear to you the whole time you thought I had disappeared on P3R-233, I was experiencing an alternate reality. Dr. Jackson
: Col. O'Neill [sarcastically] And you were there, and you were there, and there's no place like home.
: Daniel, it's not that we don't believe you… Capt. Carter
Dr. Jackson: So you do?
Col. O'Neill: No. It's just that we don't believe you.
Capt. Carter: Alright, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences?"
Daniel Jackson: Yes. Ah, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth, I wasn't even part of the program, you and Jack were engaged to be married.
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me?
Capt. Carter: What?
Col. O'Neill: All right, wait a minute. Let—let me get something straight here. Engaged?
Capt. Carter: It is theoretically possible.
Col. O'Neill: It's against regulations!
Capt. Carter: I'm talking physics, sir.
Capt. Carter: Major Samuels.
Samuels: Actually, it's Lt. Col. Samuels now.
Col. O'Neill: You'll always be 'Sparky' to me.
: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here. Gen. Hammond
Col. O'Neill: How about a bake sale? [Hammond gives him a stern look] Yard sale? Garage...
Gen. Hammond: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: Car wash?
Dr. Jackson: Senator, we have reason to believe that the Goa'uld are about to launch an attack, in force, in ships.
: Then I think they'll regret taking on the United States military! Senator Kinsey
Col. O'Neill: Oh, for God's sake…
Dr. Jackson: [sarcastic] Oh, you're right! We'll—-we'll just upload a computer virus into the mothership!
[This is a reference to the film Independence Day , which, incidentally, was written by Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin, the creators of the original movie Stargate .]
(about Kinsey wanting to shut down the program)
Gen Hammond: That's it, colonel.
Capt. Carter: It can't be...
Col. O'Neill: Sir, with all due respect-
Dr. Jackson: So with all due respect, the good senator is an ass.
[A group of Jaffa march past SG-1's hiding place]
: I always get a happy, tingly feeling when I see those guys. Col. O'Neill
: Dr. Jackson [inspecting a silver ball] Teal'c, what is this?
: It is a Goa'uld long-range visual communication device. Somewhat like your television, only much further advanced. Teal'c
Col. O'Neill: Think it gets Showtime?
[The series was airing on the Showtime network at this point.]
External links [ edit ]