Ted (film)

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Ted is a 2012 American comedy film about a man whose wish of bringing his teddy bear to life came true. Now, he must decide between keeping the relationship with the teddy bear or his girlfriend.

Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild.
Ted is coming.


  • Back off, Susan Boyle!!


  • Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
  • And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three, very special friends. Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite sometime. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the Deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to Store Manager. Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with a goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh. Remember Brandon Routh from that god-awful Superman movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterword, he fell into a deep depression, and died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. Donny was arrested by Boston Police in charge with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped, when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.


  • Asian Man: What the hell you problem!? You breaka my wall!


John and Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me 'cause you're just God's farts!"

Store Manager: So, you think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath!
Store Manager: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
Ted: That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!
Store Manager: You're hired.
Ted: Shit!

Store Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.
Store Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: You've got a lot of problems, don't you?

Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
John: Are you gonna do it?
Sam: I'm gonna punch through
Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!

Ted: There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
John: Go away! I don't even wanna talk to you!
Ted: What?
John: Do you have any clue? MY FUCKING LIFE JUST ENDED!!

John: You know, Sometimes I think back in that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy-Ruxpin.
Ted: Say that one more time!

Ted: (After coming back alive, appearing retarded) Hey.
John: Ted!
Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!
John: Oh, my god!
Ted: I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
John: You're back! How did-
Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? (Turns out to be normal) Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin' retarded.
John: (Laughing) You asshole!
Ted: Come 'ere, you bastard!


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