The Emperor's New School
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- Yzma: We're going to pay our failing friend Kuzco a visit.
Kronk: You guys're getting along now. That's great.
Yzma: No, no he's not our friend.
Kronk: But you just said he was.
Yzma: But he's not.
Kronk: Then why're paying him a visit if we don't like him?
Yzma: It's an expression!
- Kuzco: Now its time for Kuzco's Doodles! That's the part of the show-
Kronk: Hey, what about me?
Kuzco: What about you?
Kronk: Well, I'm helping too.
Kronk: Shouldn't my picture be there too?
Kuzco: Are you serious? But Kuzco's Doodles's a recognized brand name, that people know and trust. Can't change the name.
Kronk: Well then, I'm not going to help.
Kuzco: Okay... what if I said "with Kronk?"
Kronk: Featuring Kronk.
Kronk: Oh, okay, fine.
Kuzco: Now it's time for Kuzco's Doodles featuring Kronk!
Kronk: Where's my picture?"
Kuzco: There! Happy?!
- Kronk: Gee, Yzma sure's mean. Maybe I should report her to Principal Amzy.
- Yzma: I know! I'll climb the highest mountain, and put a snow potion in the clouds. Then, it'll snow on the mountain. And we'll have snowball fights, and build snowmen, and drink hot chocolate, and make snow angels. It's a winter wonderland!
Kronk: Sounds like fun!
Yzma: Fun? We don't want to have fun!
- Yzma: How can I make Kuzco lose the race? Oh I know. First I'll turn him into a hippopotamus. Then I'll put the hippo on a diet. Then I'll invite him to dinner. And then I'll feed him and feed him and feed him until he gets so big, he can't even move. It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!"
- Kronk: Once Kuzco fails school I'll become...wait, what'll I become?
- Kuzco: Do you think I'm going to save someone's life by saying Squeak Squeak Squeakers?
Mr. Moleguaco: I doubt it, you just said, "Go ahead, jump in the shark tank."
- Yzma: Can't you see I'm busy thinking of ways to crush Kuzco's chance of graduating?
Kronk: But you're the principal. Aren't you supposed to help the students?
Yzma: You still don't get it, do you?
Kronk: I don't get it? Do I want it? What exactly is it?
- Yzma: Everyone got your emperors, umm frogs. Well let's get chopping.
- Yzma: Kronk! This's the wrong homework. Look at the name.
Kronk : (reads name tag) Chaca's homework. Uh, so that's their last name. The homework family. That's weird.
- Malina: Kuzco, I want you to graduate and become emperor. I want to help you out. If you fake your homework, you'll only fake graduate. And then you'll be a fake emperor.
- Kuzco: So, it all worked out. I learned my lesson, Kronk won first prize for his "Bucket Handle", and Malina fell madly in love with me. Okay, maybe that last part isn't true. But I did get a cool new butler. For about eight minutes.
- Kronk: You want Kuzco to beat me up? Ha! Back to planet Earth, Malina. I mean, look at the guy. He's a toothpick. You don't stand a chance.
Kuzco: Yeah, uh, quick emperor question, how does this help?
Malina: Kronk's going to throw the fight.
Kronk: Throw it where?
Kuzco: Oh, I get it! He takes a dive.
Kronk: So we're swimming now?
Malina: No, Kronk, you and Kuzco pretend to fight, and you let Kuzco win. Then Kavo will be afraid of Kuzco, and leave him alone.
Kronk: Yeah... What's Kavo got to do with this?
Kuzco: He wants to fight me at sunset.
Kronk: Well, I'm not surprised. You're cruel and insensitive, makin' fun of him all the time. It's not nice. Good for Kavo.
Kuzco: Yeah, but bad for me, meathead.
Kronk: See? That's what I'm talking about! It's on, buddy! You, me. Throw down.
Malina: No, no, no! You've gotta let Kuzco win, or he's going to get the snot beat out of him!
Kuzco: Do you have to be so graphic? Let's just get this over with.
Kronk: So... What are we doing again?
- Kuzco: Okay, I know. I just tipped the scale of self-pity way past 10. So to spare you any more of that ugliness, I'll perform the rest of the scene with... hand puppets. (as Malina) "Oh, Kuzco. Stop worrying about poor little you. You gotta find the kids. Everything isn't always about you, you, you, you!" (as himself) "You're so right, Malina. Sometimes all I care about is me, me, me! But I'll be better now. I'll get the kids back." (as Malina) "And I'm coming with you." (as himself) "So, let's hug now. Smoochy-smoochy. Kiss, kiss, kiss." Okay. Enough of that. Let's move on!
- Kuzco: Gotta admit though, baby-sitting isn't easy. It's like work. Not the bad kind. Good kind. Hey! I've already learned my big important lesson for today. Cool. This is gonna be a short episode.
- Malina: (referring to Kuzco's imaginary friend, Brad Bowlarama) I'm surprised his name isn't Brad Bananastaircasehat.
- Yzma: Kuzco would rather become a rabbit, a llama, or a frog before bowing down to you.
Kronk: Hasn't he already become all of those things?
- Yzma: I know! I'll turn Kuzco into a flea, a harmless little flea! Then I'll put that flea inside a box, and that box inside a bigger box and mail it to myself. When it arrives, I smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! Or to save on postage, I'll just use this: [holds up potion bottle]
- Azma: (in cough) Are you empress?
Yzma: Of course I'm empress!
- Yzma: Did you pack long underwear?
Azma: (in cough) Yes I did, Yzma, really did.
- Yzma jeans
- Yzma shirts
- Yzma chocolate
- Yzma magazines
- Yzma FM
- Yzma movies
- Yzma books
- Yzmasaurous Rex
- Yzma Academy
Kuzco's self-proclaimed possesions/items named after Kuzco
- Kuzcarbor Day
- Kuzconstellation class
- Kuzco of the Past
- That's So Kuzco
- Kuzco Possible
- Kuzco Man
- Kuzco's Doodles
- Kuzco Allegiance Day
- Kuzco Appliance Day
- Kuzco Academy
- Kuzford University