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The Emperor's New Groove

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Ha! Boom, baby!

The Emperor's New Groove is a 2000 American animated comedy film produced by Walt Disney Animation Studios released by Walt Disney Pictures. It follows an Inca emperor named Kuzco who is turned into a llama by an ex-advisor and teams up with a peasant to transform him back to normal.

Directed by Mark Dindal. Written by David Reynolds.
Music by John Debney and includes "My Funny Friend and Me". Written by David Hartley and performed by Sting.
It's All About... ME (taglines)

Emperor Kuzco

[edit]
  • [narrating] Okay. This is the real me. [scene cuts to him as a llama] Not this. [cuts back to him as a human, lounging on his throne] This. [back to Llama Kuzco] Not this. [back to Human Kuzco] Winner. [back to Llama Kuzco] Loser. [back to Human Kuzco] Okay. See this palace? Everybody in it is at my command. Check this out. [spoken] Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.
  • [repeated li[1]ne] Ha! Boom, baby!

Pacha

[edit]
  • [gasps in shock] Oh, really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-

Yzma

[edit]
  • Ah, how'll I feel? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this.

Kronk

[edit]
  • Oh, riiiight. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison.
  • You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.

Chicha

[edit]
  • So, what did the emperor want?
  • Couldn't see you? Why not?

Tipo

[edit]
  • Hey there, Pacha! Hey, y'know you just missed your relatives.

Chaca

[edit]
  • Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.

Others

[edit]
  • Palace Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.
  • Official: Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
  • Theme Song Guy: ♪ You'd be the coolest dude in the nation, or the hippest cat in creation. But if you ain't got friends, then nothing's worth the fuss. A perfect world will come to be, when everybody here can see that a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect worlds begins and ends, a perfect world begins and ends with us! ♪
  • Kronk Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?
  • Kronk Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the "path of righteousness". I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
  • Bucky: [chatters]
  • Rudy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!
  • Mata: [sighs] Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug of meat.
  • Topo: Hey there, Pacha. Hey, you know you just missed your relatives.
  • Ipi: Yeah, we just sent' em up to your house.
  • Piñata Lady: Okay, children. On you mark, get set... [Yzma takes the place of the pinata] Go!

Dialogue

[edit]
[First lines; at the very beginning where we see him as a llama all alone in the rainy jungle]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah. This is his story. Well, actually my story. That's right - I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco. Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy, and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what. You go back - you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. [the film rewinds to show Kuzco as a baby playing with his toys] All right, now see, that's a little too far back. Oh, ho. Look at me. That's me as a baby. [the stuffed animal's head pops off when Baby Kuzco squeezes it. Baby Kuzco cries, then coos and giggles when more stuffed animals are given to him] All right, let's move ahead.
[The title shows]
Emperor Kuzco: Oh, yeah.
Theme Song Guy: ♪ There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators. There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas. There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements. They'd be better suited swinging from the trees. He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in 1,000 years of aristocracy. ♪ [Ship's horn blows] ♪ An enigma and a mystery in Mesoamerican history, the quintessence of perfection that is he. ♪
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] OK, this is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner! Loser. OK, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out.
Emperor Kuzco: [snaps his fingers] Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.
Theme Song Guy: ♪ Oh, yeah! He's the sovereign lord of the nation, he's the hippest cat in creation. He's the alpha, the omega, A to Z. ♪ [Kuzco snaps his fingers] ♪ And this perfect world will spin, around his every little whim, 'cause this perfect world begins and ends with... ♪
Emperor Kuzco: Me.
Theme Song Guy: ♪ What's his name? ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy: ♪ That's his name! ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy: ♪ He's the king of the world! ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy: ♪ Is he hip or what? ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy: ♪ Yeah! ♪
[While Kuzco is dancing, he accidentally bumps into the old man named Rudy as the music comes to a halt]
Emperor Kuzco: [annoyed] D'oh, you threw off my groove! [crosses his arms]
Palace Guard: [to Rudy] I'm sorry. But you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. [He picks up Rudy by the collar]
Rudy: [He is thrown out the window] SORRY!!!!!
Emperor Kuzco: [to Theme Song Guy] You were saying?
Theme Song Guy: ♪ What's his name? Kuzco! ♪
Chorus: ♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy: ♪ That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah. Oww! ♪
Emperor Kuzco: Ha! Boom, baby!
Official: Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
Emperor Kuzco: All righty. Trot out the ladies.
Emperor Kuzco: [analyzes potential brides] Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?
Official: Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.
Pacha: Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--
Guard: Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.
Pacha: Oh, great. Thanks a lot.
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Uh, and don't be fooled by the folksy peasant look.
Pacha: Oh!
Rudy: Pardon me. That's mine.
Pacha: Oh, here you go.
Rudy: Thank you.
Pacha: You're welcome. Aah! [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Oh, hey. Are you all right? [He helps the Rudy down] What happened?
Rudy: Well, I threw off the emperor's groove.
Pacha: What?
Rudy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!
Pacha: [gasps in shock] Oh, really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-
Rudy: [leaps up and shakes him by the collar] DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!
Pacha: Oh, okay.
Rudy: [climbing down] Beware the groove!
Pacha: Hey, are you going to be alright?!
Rudy: [leaves] The groove...
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] See what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing compared to what happens next.
Yzma: [first words] And why have you come here today?
Peasant: Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Okay, gang. Check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the Emperor's Advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget about Yzma's right-hand-man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model's called Kronk.
Kronk: Yeah, I'll get that, Yzma. [swats at a fly and hits himself by mistake]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Yep, that's Kronk! Now, lately Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinking, That's gotta stop.
Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?
Peasant: Um, food.
Yzma: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!
Peasant: But I-- Oh, OK.
Yzma: Ugh.
Emperor Kuzco: The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?
Yzma: Tell me about it. Aah!
Emperor Kuzco: Hi there.
Yzma: Ooh, Your Highness.
Emperor Kuzco: Ahem.
Yzma: Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...
Emperor Kuzco: Uh, you were doing it again.
Yzma: Doing? Doing... Doing what?
Emperor Kuzco: Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?
Yzma: But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? [Broccoli Teeth] What the-- How long has that been there?
Kronk: Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?
Emperor Kuzco: Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.
Servant: Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.
Emperor Kuzco: Oh, great. Send him in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired? What do you mean, fired?
Emperor Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.
Yzma: But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?
Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Emperor Kuzco: Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.
Kronk: Got it! Unh! Oof!
Emperor Kuzco: OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.
Kronk: I'm OK. I'm fine.
[Yzma snarls]
Emperor Kuzco: Ah. OK. Show him in.
Pacha: Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons--
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, there he is! My main village man.
Pacha: Um, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons--
Emperor Kuzco: Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.
Pacha: I am?
Emperor Kuzco: Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?
Pacha: Sure. I'll do what I can.
Emperor Kuzco: Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
Pacha: Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you-- My village?
Emperor Kuzco: Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!
Pacha: Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.
Emperor Kuzco: Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?
Pacha: Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
Emperor Kuzco: Well, that settles it.
Pacha: Really?
Emperor Kuzco: Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.
Pacha: That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
Emperor Kuzco: I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.
Pacha: Uh...your pool?
Emperor Kuzco: [places a model of Kuzcotopia on top of the hill, smashing the model of Pacha's house] Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide!
Pacha: [absolutely shocked] What?
Emperor Kuzco: Isn't it great?! It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!
Pacha: Um...I don't understand how this could happen.
Emperor Kuzco: Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... [hums carnival tune for his resort display on top of Pacha's village] So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.
Pacha: But, where will we live?
Emperor Kuzco: [thinks] Hmm, don't know. Don't care. How's that? [starts to leave]
Pacha: Wait! You can't-! [gets blocked by guards]
Emperor Kuzco: [appalled that a peasant has just dared to talk back to him, halts mid-stride, turns back around and gets in Pacha's face] When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. [happily] Bye-bye!
Pacha: Wait! [gets dragged off by the guards]
Emperor Kuzco: [mocking] Boo-hoo!
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Oh, yeah. Everything was goin' my way. Or so I thought.
[After Kuzco fires Yzma, she starts using a hammer to smash effigies of him provided by Kronk]
Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! [to Kronk] A little to the left. [Kronk nudges the head so she can smash it] Does he have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!
Kronk: [lays down another bust, which Yzma smashes] Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: [dryly] Yeah, go figure.
Kronk: Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?
Yzma: [gasps and smiles evilly] That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco.
Kronk: The real Kuzco?
Yzma: Of course, the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant.
Kronk: So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?
Yzma: To the secret lab! [they move over to two levers] Pull the lever, Kronk! [Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under her; she falls through] WRONG LEVER! [splashes]
Kronk: [looks down the trap door] Uh...
Yzma: [comes out all wet and with a crocodile biting her dress] Why do we even have that lever? [slaps the crocodile which lets go of her dress and runs away, yipping] Get out of my way. [pulls the other lever, and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride]
Skeleton Ride Voice: Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Ride speeds up, going through tunnels]
Kronk: Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! [Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work]
Yzma: Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. [laughs evilly] Oh, feel the power.
Kronk: Oh. I can feel it.
Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches [laughs evilly] IT'S DINNERTIME!
Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?
Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Yzma: Not the dinner. The You-know...?
Kronk: Oh, riiiight. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. [long pause] That poison?
Yzma: Yes, that poison.
Kronk: Got ya covered.
Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.
Kronk: Which is a real shame, 'cause it's gonna be delicious.
[Door bangs open]
Emperor Kuzco: Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world. So...no 'hard feelings about being let go.
Yzma: None whatsoever. Kronk, get the emperor a drink.
Kronk: Drink. Right... Your Highness.
Emperor Kuzco: [sniffs] Is something burning?
Kronk: [about to deliver the poisoned drink to Kuzco and gasps] My spinach puffs! [dashes off to the kitchen]
[Both Kuzco and Yzma are having an awkward moment at the dining table]
Emperor Kuzco: So, he seems nice.
Yzma: [gives a weak chuckle] He is.
Emperor Kuzco: [beat] He's what, in his late twenties?
Yzma: I'm not sure... [forces an awkward smile]
Kronk: Saved 'em!
Emperor Kuzco: That's great.
Yzma: Great!
Emperor Kuzco: Good job.
Yzma: Very good job.
Kronk: Watch it. They're still hot.
Yzma: Ahem. Ahem! Heh heh heh. Kronk. The emperor needs his...drink.
Kronk: Right. Oh. Right.
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything OK back there? Well, heh.
Kronk: Oh, uh... Ooh. The drinks were a bit on the... hmm... oh...ugh...warm side. Heh heh. Hey, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Yzma: Ha ha ha. Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
Kronk: [Under his breath] Don't drink the wine. [coughing] Poison.
Emperor Kuzco: Ah! Tasty.
Yzma: Finally! Ha ha ha! Good work, Kronk.
Kronk: Oh, they're so easy to make. I'll get you the recipe.
Yzma: Now to get rid of the body.
Emperor Kuzco: OK! What were we saying?
Yzma: Uh...we were just making a toast to your long and... healthy rule.
Emperor Kuzco: Right. So what are you gonna do? I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time. Um...
Yzma: Ahem. [hums]
Emperor Kuzco: It might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend? Heh heh.
[Yzma muttering]
Llama Kuzco: Now, about you finding new work...
Yzma: Hit him on the head.
Llama Kuzco: ...that's--that's gonna be tough.
Kronk: More broccoli?
Llama Kuzco: Because you're... you know. Let's face it. You're no spring chicken, and I mean that in the best possible way.
Yzma: What?! A llama?! He's supposed to be dead!
Kronk: Yeah, weird.
Yzma: Let me see that vial. [Kronk hands her the vial. The label's folded half-way, the logo looking like the top half of a skull. She unfolds the top of the label with her thumb, revealing a logo in the shape of a llama] This isn't poison, this is extract of LLAMA! [tosses the vial at Kronk, which bounces off of his head and shatters on the floor]
Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: Alright, a quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!
[Kronk sings jazz groove]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Guess where I am right now. Uh-huh. In the bag. Still think I'm the victim here? Watch. It gets better. Ugh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb, and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
Kronk: Huh! Mission accomplished.
[While Kuzco is in a bag, about to go over a very large waterfall]
Kronk Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?
Kronk: My shoulder angel.
Kronk Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the "path of righteousness". I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
Kronk Angel: Ah, come off it
Kronk Devil: You come off it.
Kronk Angel: You.
Kronk Devil: You.
Kronk Angel: You.
Kronk Devil: [smirking] You infinity. [the angel growls in frustration; to Kronk] Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: [points at the angel] Look at that guy. He's got that sissy, stringy, music thing.
Kronk Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
Kronk Devil: All right. So, that's a harp...and that's a dress.
Kronk Angel: Robe.
Kronk Devil: Reason number two: [does a one-handed handstand] Look what I can do. Ha, ha! Ha!
Kronk: But, uh, what does that have to do with anything?
Kronk Angel: No, no, he's got a point.
Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're starting to confuse me, so, uh, "be gone". Or, uh, you know, however I get rid of you guys.
[Kronk Angel disappears]
Kronk Devil: That'll work. [also disappears]
[Kronk saves Kuzco by grabbing the bag. Then the camera zooms out too far to reveal the waterfall, and then the tree branch where the monkey gobbles up the bug]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Uh...what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?
[The camera quickly zooms back to Kronk, who's still carrying Kuzco in the bag]
Kronk: Oh, boy. Think, think, think. What to do, what to do? What do we do with the body?
Pacha: [sighs] What am I gonna tell the village?
Kronk: Come on, Kronky. Come on, Kronky. OK. What do I do? What do I do? Aah!
Kronk: Back! Elbow! Shoulder! Unh! [gasping] Oh. Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me. Stop! Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry about that. Comin' through. Hey, you with the cart! Uh-oh. This is not good. Uhh. Hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.
Tipo: Mom, Mom! I think I'm still growing! Measure me again!
Chicha: All right, Tipo. Stand still and let's see.
Chaca: Mom, you and I both know that it's impossible for him to have grown in the last 5 minutes.
Tipo: Mmm! Mmm!
Chaca: Isn't it?
Chicha: [gasps] Look how much you've grown!
Chaca: What? Tipo, get out of the way. It's my turn again. Measure me.
Tipo: Dad's home!
[Kids Laughing]
Pacha: Come Here!
Pacha: Hey, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Come here. Ha ha ha!
[All Three Laughing]
Tipo: Dad! I ate a bug today!
Pacha: Oh! Was Mom baking again? Heh. Don't tell her I said that.
Chicha: I heard that. OK, everybody, move aside. Lady with a baby coming through.
Tipo: Dad, Dad, Dad! Look at how big I am! We were all measured today.
Pacha: Oh.
Tipo: I'm going through a growth spurt. I'm as big as you were when you were me.
Pacha: Mm-hmm. Sure are.
Chaca: That's not as impressive as my loose tooth. See?
Chicha: Okay, Okay, you two. Our deal was that you could stay awake until Daddy came home. Now say good night.
Both: Dad, do we have to?! [whimpers as cat meows]
Pacha: No, you 2 can stay up. We're just gonna be sitting here telling each other how much we love each other. Right, honey? [coos]
Tipo: Ew!
Chaca: Blecch!
Both: ...GOOD NIGHT. [Both Laughing]
Pacha: Huh? Whoa.
Llama Kuzco: Uhh. Oh.
Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?
Llama Kuzco: No touchy.
Pacha: Aah! Demon llama!
Llama Kuzco: Demon llama? Where? Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ooh hoo hoo! Ow! Ow, my head.
Pacha: OK, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm.
Llama Kuzco: What are you talking talking about-- Oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.
Pacha: [gasps] Emperor Kuzco?
Llama Kuzco: Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin' to?
Pacha: Uh...how did-- Um... you don't... look like the emperor.
Llama Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: Uh...oh... do this...
Llama Kuzco: What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to-- Aah! It can't be! Aah! Aah! Aah! My face! Aah! My beautiful, beautiful face!
Pacha: Okay, Okay, Okay.
Llama Kuzco: I'm an ugly, stinky llama!
Pacha: Wait, Okay, Your Majesty.
Llama Kuzco: Llama face!
Pacha: Shh! What happened?
Llama Kuzco: I'm trying to figure that out, okay? [laughing hysterically, whimpering frantically] Ohh-ho! I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Ohh! And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What? No, I did not.
Llama Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me.
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
Llama Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the crinimal mastermind, not me.
Pacha: What?
Llama Kuzco: Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. OK. I have to get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab." I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back. Hey, you. No waste. Let's go. Hey, tiny, I want to get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.
Pacha: Build your summerhouse somewhere else.
Llama Kuzco: [turns back at Pacha] You want to run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Llama Kuzco: Hmm. I got a little secret for you. Come here. [Pacha leans close.] No, closer. [Pacha leans closer, he angrily screams is his face.] I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!
Pacha: Then I guess I can't take you back.
Llama Kuzco: Fine. I don't need you. I can find my own way back.
Pacha: [blocks Kuzco's way] I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.
Llama Kuzco: Nice try, pal. [walks off]
Pacha: No, really. I'm telling you, there are jaguars and snakes and quicksand.
Llama Kuzco: [high voice] I'm not listening.
Pacha: I'm not kidding. Listen, you cannot go in there.
Llama Kuzco: La la la la. Oh. Heh heh. Still not listening.
Pacha: Aw, you... Fine. Fine. Go ahead! If there's no Kuzco, there's no Kuzcotopia. Takes care of my problem. Hmm.
Llama Kuzco: [laughs] Scary jungle. Right. Ooh, a leaf. Ooh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree. [high voice] I'm afraid. Ha ha. Please. Never find my way? I'm the emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?
Fly: [buzzing]
Llama Kuzco: [gasps] Wha--
Fly: Help me! Help me! Help me!
Spider: [crunch]
Llama Kuzco: Uhh.
Fly: Too late.
Pacha: [eyes widen] Uh-oh.
Llama Kuzco: [deadpan] Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: [also deadpan] Yep.
Llama Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Looks likely.
Llama Kuzco: ...Bring it on. [as they go over] BOO-YAH! WHOO!
[Splash]
Pacha: [gasping, continue gasping, inhales, sighs] Your Highness. Your Highness, can you hear me? Oh, boy. Come on, breathe. Breathe! Ohh. Why me? Ooh! All right. [inhales] Ohh!
Llama Kuzco: Aah!
Llama Kuzco and Pacha: [spit]
Llama Kuzco and Pacha: Ohh!
[Kuzco is rinsing his mouth after a failed attempted CPR]
Pacha: [while starting the fire] For the last time, it was not a kiss.
Llama Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it. [spits water on the fire] It was disgusting. And to think, if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life. [shakes the water out of him, which puts out another fire]
Pacha: [annoyed] Augh!
Llama Kuzco: But now that we're here, you will take me back to the palace, I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. [builds a house with a rock, sticks, and a leaf] Oh, yeah.
Pacha: Okay, now look. I think we got off on the wrong foot here.
Llama Kuzco: [drying himself with Pacha's poncho] Um-hm.
Pacha: I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.
Llama Kuzco: And why would I do that? [throws the poncho onto the fireplace, which puts out another fire]
Pacha: Because...Deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.
Llama Kuzco: And that's...bad?
Pacha: Well, yeah! Uh, nobody's that heartless.
Llama Kuzco: Mmmm. Now take me back.
Pacha: What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.
Llama Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program. Eh, Pacha?
Pacha: You know, someday you're gonna wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Llama Kuzco: Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here. Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.
Llama Kuzco: [mocking] "Because unless you change your mind, I'm not gonna take you back." Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. [throws an acorn at Pacha, who glares at him] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't do that. Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
Pacha: [sighs; to himself] He's never going to change his mind.
Llama Kuzco: [sighs; to himself] How am I ever gonna get out of here? [muttering, shivering, stops shivering]
[During Kuzco's "Funeral"]
Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince... Taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.
Kronk: [sobs; tearfully] Poor little guy.
Yzma: His legacy will live on in our hearts for all eternity.
Kronk: He never had a chance.
Yzma: Well, he ain't getting any deader! [rips off black cloak to reveal a hot pink extravaganza of an outfit] Back to work. [The attendees quickly toss their candles away and get to work renovating the palace]
Yzma: Kronk, darling, I must admit you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons, but now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.
Kronk: Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's dead, all right. Heh heh. I mean, you can't get much deader than he-- then he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.
Yzma: I suppose.
Kronk: Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.
Yzma: Kronk...
Kronk: I should tell you right now I'm kind of hard to fit.
Yzma: Kronk...
Kronk: I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.
Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: [drops her plate of wings; angrily clenches her teeth] He's still alive?!
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
Yzma: [face turns red] Kronk!
Kronk: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up, in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: You think?! You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through! NOW LET'S MOVE!!!
Tipo: [awakens and scared in pain] DAD, LOOK OUT!
Chicha: [to Tipo] Tipo, what is it?
Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!
Chicha: All right, all right, it's okay.
Tipo: It was awful!
Chicha: It's okay, it's okay. Tipo, calm down. It was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.
Tipo: Oh. Like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.
Chicha: That's right.
Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.
Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen.
Chaca: It could.
Tipo: Nuh-uh.
Chaca: Yeah-huh.
Tipo: Nuh-uh.
Chaca: Yeah-huh.
Chica: Good night, you two.
Kids: Night, Mom!
Chaca: Yeah-huh. Yeah-huh.
Tipo: Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.
Pacha: Ooh! [coughs] Brr!
Llama Kuzco: Uh, hey. Thanks.
Pacha: Oh. No problem.
Llama Kuzco: Feels like wool.
Pacha: Yeah.
Llama Kuzco: Alpaca?
Pacha: Oh, yeah, it is.
Llama Kuzco: Oh, yeah, I thought so. It's nice.
Pacha: My wife made it.
Llama Kuzco: Oh, she knits?
Pacha: Crochets.
Llama Kuzco: Crochets? Nice.
Pacha: Thanks.
Frog: [ribbit, ribbit ribbit]
Llama Kuzco: So... So, I was thinking that when I got back to the city, we'd, uh... I mean, there's lots of hilltops, and maybe I might, you know... I might...
Pacha: Are you saying... you've changed your mind?
Llama Kuzco: Oh, well, I--I...
Pacha: Because you know that means you're doing something nice for someone else.
Llama Kuzco: No, I know that. I know.
Pacha: And you're all right with that?
Llama Kuzco: Yes. What?
Pacha: Don't shake unless you mean it. All right. Let's get you back to the palace. Oh, by the way, thanks.
Llama Kuzco: No... thank you.
Pacha: OK. Once we cross this bridge, it's only an hour to the palace.
Llama Kuzco: Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.
Pacha: I believe it. What was that?
Llama Kuzco: Nothing.
Pacha: Ohh! Whoa! Kuzco! Kuzco!
Llama Kuzco: Yeah?
Pacha: Quick, help me up!
Llama Kuzco: No. I don't think I will.
Pacha: You're going to leave me here?
Llama Kuzco: Well, I was going to have you imprisoned for life, but I kind of like this better.
Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.
Llama Kuzco: Oh, come on. I had to say something to get you to take me back to the city.
Pacha: So all of it was a lie?
Llama Kuzco: Well, yeah. No, wait. Uh, yeah, yeah. It all was a lie. Toodles.
Pacha: We shook hands on it!
Llama Kuzco: You know, the funny thing about about shaking hands is you need hands. Ha! OK. Buh-bye. Aah!
[After Pacha and Kuzco are hung from the ropes to the bridge]
Pacha: Are you okay? Are you all right?
Llama Kuzco: Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm all right.
Pacha: Good! [punches Kuzco] That's for going back on your promise!
Llama Kuzco: [kicks Pacha sending him flying back] Yeah! That's for kidnapping me and taking me to your village, which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. [chuckles nervously] No touchy.
Pacha: [headbutts Kuzco throwing him into the rocks] Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong!
Llama Kuzco: [sarcastically] Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad, bad llama.
Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over!
Llama Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly and stupid!
Pacha: Let's end this.
Llama Kuzco: Ladies first.
[bell dings]
Pacha: Aah!
Llama Kuzco: Yaah!
Llama Kuzco and Pacha: [grunting; honks]
[rope snaps]
Llama Kuzco: Ohh!
Llama Kuzco and Pacha: Aah! [screams] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Pacha: Whoa!
Llama Kuzco: Oh! [Alligators roars] What are we gonna do? Aah! What are we gonna do? We're gonna die! We're gonna die! That's it for me!
Pacha: No, we're not. Calm down. I have an idea. Give me your arm. OK, now the other one. When I say go, push against my back, and we'll walk up the hill. Ready? Go.
Llama Kuzco: Ow! You did that on purpose. Aah!
Pacha: No, I didn't! Now, we're gonna have to work together to get out of this, so follow my lead. Ready? Right foot.
Llama Kuzco: Whose right? Your right or mine?
Pacha: I don't care. Mine.
Llama Kuzco: Well, why yours?
Pacha: OK, your right! Ready?
Llama Kuzco: OK, got it.
Pacha: OK, right. Left. Right.
Llama Kuzco: Ha ha! Look, we're moving! Aah!
Pacha: Don't look down! Now, stay with me. Stay with me. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right!
Llama Kuzco: Now what, genius?
Pacha: Working on it. OK, here's the deal. Stretch out your neck, and I'll grab the rope.
Llama Kuzco: How do I know you won't let me fall after you grab the rope?
Pacha: You're just gonna have to trust me!
Llama Kuzco: [strains] You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy, or this would be really difficult. Aah! Aah!
Pacha: Almost. Got it! It's stuck.
Llama Kuzco: Take your time. No hurry here. Scorpions! Aah ha ha!
Pacha: Kuzco!
Llama Kuzco: Aah! Oh, no!
Pacha: Uhh! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Llama Kuzco: Huh? Aah! Aah!
Pacha: Whoa! [Kuzco and Pacha laugh] Huh?
Llama Kuzco: Look out!
Pacha: Ohh! Ohh.
Llama Kuzco: [rescues Pacha from falling back into the canyon] WHOO! YEAH! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right outta the air! "Oh, I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal. Uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Pacha: [stunned] You just saved my life.
Llama Kuzco: Huh? So?
Pacha: [pleased] I knew it.
Llama Kuzco: Knew what?
Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.
Llama Kuzco: Oh, no.
Pacha: Admit it.
Llama Kuzco: Wrong.
Pacha: Yes, there is.
Llama Kuzco: Nuh-uh.
Pacha: I think there is.
Llama Kuzco: Nuh-uh.
Pacha: Hey, you could've let me fall.
Llama Kuzco: Come on, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless! [stops, surprised, then trying to downplay it] Eh, don't put too much into it. It was a one-time thing.
Pacha: Yeah, sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a four-day walk to the palace.
Llama Kuzco: What, you mean you're still taking me back?
Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?
Llama Kuzco: Well, yeah. But I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.
Pacha: Well, four days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.
Llama Kuzco: Uh-huh. Four days. What are the chances of you carrying me?
Pacha: Not good.
Yzma: No! No! No! We've searched every village around the palace, and still no sign of Kuzco! Where is he?! [growls in frustration and calls Kronk] KRONK?!
Kronk: Kronk here.
Yzma: I’m getting tired! Pull over!
Kronk: Sure thing. Kronk out. Ooh! Aah! Aah! Ohh!
Yzma: [straining; her feet are stuck in the mud, while trying to walk] Perfect. These are my best shoes. [forcefully pulls her high heels off] I hate this jungle. [Insects buzzing]
Kronk: Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo.
Yzma: [while being chased by bees] Aah!
Kronk: I am loving this.
[Yzma trips herself, and breathes out for air. Bucky enters.]
Yzma: [gasps; Bucky chatters] Get away from me! Uhh.
Kronk: [Bucky chatters] Yeah. Tell me about it. [Bucky chatters] No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.
Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?
Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk. I had to be versed in the woodland creatures. Please continue. [Bucky chatters]
Yzma: Aah! Why me? Why me?
Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy has had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.
Yzma: Oh, a talking llama? Ha ha ha ha! Do tell. Heh heh heh heh! [Bucky chatters]
Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you.
Yzma: Well, then you ask him.
Kronk: [sighs] I hate being in the middle. Squeaky, uh... squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.
Bucky: [chatters] Aah!
Kronk: Jaguars? No kidding? Brutal. [Bucky chattering and stops chattering]
Kronk: Uh, could you give us a little room here?
Yzma: Uh, sorry.
Bucky: Uh-uh.
Kronk: A little bit more, please.
Yzma: How is this? [Bucky chatters]
Kronk: Yeah, that's good.
Yzma: Now ask him which way the talking llama went!
Kronk: Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'. [Bucky chatters]
Pacha: [carries Kuzco while walking] Low blood sugar, huh?
Emperor Kuzco: Yeah, it's a curse. [laughs]
Pacha: Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.
Mata: [sighs] Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug of meat. What'll it be? [Llama Kuzco giggles]
Pacha: Ahem. We'll have two specials. Is that all right, dear?
Llama Kuzco: Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like.
Pacha: Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon.
Mata: Bless you for coming out in public. So that's two specials.
Llama Kuzco: And an onion log. To split. [giggles]
Mata: Ordering! I need two heartburns and a deep-fried doorstop on table twelve!
Pacha: OK, so I'll admit this was a good idea.
Llama Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha: That's funny, because I thought you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really bad ideas.
Llama Kuzco: Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.
Mata: [enter with pillbugs] Hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple. Mazel tov. [leaves]
Llama Kuzco: [sniffs]
Pacha: [taps the pillbug with a straw to open it] Oh, boy. [slurps]
Llama Kuzco: Ooh. Ugh. Bluh. Urp!
Pacha: Oh, here. Let me get that for you. [taps another pillbug with a straw to open it]
Llama Kuzco: [disgusted] Bleaggh! Uck! [gets up to walk to the kitchen]
Pacha: [with his mouthful] Where are you going?
Llama Kuzco: I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.
Pacha: [still mouthful] You're gonna get us thrown out.
Llama Kuzco: Please. With this disguise, I'm invisible. [heads into the kitchen]
Man: Heh heh!
Yzma: [she and Kronk enters, as Pacha finishes his slurping] We've been walking around in circles for who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel. I should have done away with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.
Pacha: [chokes on his pullbug exterior, coughs]
Kronk: Oh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that. Uh-oh. I'll get you another one, Yzma. Yo.
Pacha: [gasps]
Kronk: You using that fork there, pal? Hey, don't I know you?
Pacha: I don't think so.
Kronk: Wrestled you in high school?
Pacha: Don't remember that.
Kronk: Metal shop? I got it! Miss Narca's interpretive dance--two semesters. I was usually in the back of my weak ankles. Come on, pal. You gotta help me out here.
Pacha: I don't think we've ever met, but I gotta go.
Kronk: Don't worry. I'll think of it.
Llama Kuzco: Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. I'm not the only one that thinks that, I'm sure.
Pacha: Psst! Hey!
Llama Kuzco: So I'm just checking to make sure you're going to take the main course up a notch.
Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?
Kronk: Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.
Llama Kuzco: It's a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible on this menu?
Chef: Gah!
Pacha: [gasps]
Llama Kuzco: Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!
Kronk: Hey, pal, what's your policy on making special orders?
Chef: All right, buster! You want a special order, then you make it! I quit!
Kronk: Yeah, but I--
Chef: I try and I try! There's no respect for anyone with vision! That's it, I guess there's nothing I can do about it!
Kronk: Uh- wait- Please don't go. [the now-former chef storms out]
Mata: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
Kronk: [having a chance to cook] Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill. Got it.
Llama Kuzco: What's going on?
Pacha: There's no time to explain. We gotta get out of here.
Yzma: What is he doing in there?
Pacha: Uhh! Come on!
Llama Kuzco: In a minute. I'm still hungry.
Pacha: No, Kuzco!
Llama Kuzco: OK, I'll make it simple for you. I'll have a spinach omelet with wheat toast. You got it?
Kronk: Can do.
Yzma: What's taking so long?
Kronk: Pickup!
Yzma: Kronk, what are you doing?
Kronk: Kinda busy here.
Yzma: Why am I not surprised?
Kronk: You order's up!
[Yzma and Kuzco are ordering meals from Kronk. When one exits, the other enters, so they never see each other]
Yzma: Ohh! Oh, well, while you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup.
Llama Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk, can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price. [Yzma groans]
Llama Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Llama Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Llama Kuzco: Cheese, me no like-y.
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in.
Kronk: [growing frustrated] Ah, come on, make up your mind!
Llama Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought-
Yzma and Llama Kuzco: Make my potatoes a salad.
[Pacha whispers into Mata's ear to avoid Yzma finding Kuzco]
Mata: Don't worry, honey. We do this all the time. [leaves]
[As Yzma stares at Kuzco, who's in drag by wearing Pacha's hat and poncho while wearing makeup]
Patrons: [singing] ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! [gives Yzma a distracted birthday party] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FROM ALL OF US TO YOU! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO! [Pacha pulls Kuzco out of the table and an annoyed Yzma is wearing a huge sombrero and crossing her arms next to the birthday cake with many candles] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO!
Kronk: [comes out of the kitchen while cooking and laughing] Hahaha! It's your birthday?!
Llama Kuzco: [gets escorted out of the restaurant by Pacha] What are you doing?!
Pacha: Look, there's two people in there looking for you.
Llama Kuzco: What?
Pacha: A big guy and a skinny old woman.
Llama Kuzco: Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?
Pacha: Oh, yeah.
Llama Kuzco: That's Yzma and Kronk. I'm saved.
Pacha: Trust me, they're not here to save you.
Llama Kuzco: They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here.
Pacha: No, no, you don't understand. They're trying to kill you.
Llama Kuzco: Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.
Pacha: No, I can't let you.
Llama Kuzco: What? Oh, I get it.
Pacha: What?
Llama Kuzco: [getting angry] You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.
Pacha: No!
Llama Kuzco: This has all been an act, and I almost fell for it.
Pacha: Will you just listen to--
Llama Kuzco: No, no, you listen to me. All you care about is your stupid hilltop.
Pacha: [shocked] What?
Llama Kuzco: You don't care about me. Now, just get out of here. Go!
Pacha: But, but-
Llama Kuzco: Go on, get out of here!
Pacha: [frustrated] FINE! [Kuzco leaves]
[The scene cuts to Yzma and Kronk leaving the diner]
Yzma: Oh, this entire mess is all your fault!
Kronk: What'd I do?
Yzma: If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Kuzco would be DEAD now! There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and KILL HIM! [at Yzma's statement, the smile on Kuzco's face instantly falls and is replaced with shock and horror. Kuzco retreats and hides in the bushes]
Kronk: Said I was sorry, can't just let it go, not even on your birthday.
Yzma: Kuzco must be eliminated. The Empire will finally be rid of that useless slug.
Kronk: Well, you got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?
Llama Kuzco: [stares in shock as he watches Yzma and Kronk leave] Pacha! [looks around] PACHA?! [Pacha has vanished; Kuzco hangs his head in despair. He takes off Pacha's poncho and hat, and walks off deep in the jungle, realizing what he's done. Scene cuts to the rainy jungle from the opening of the film. Kuzco is lonely, and not crying.]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
Llama Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] What? I'm just telling them what happened.
Llama Kuzco: Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They know what happened.
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Well, yeah, but-
Llama Kuzco: Just leave me alone.
[The camera zooms out, as Kuzco sulks. Then the scene fades next to the tents.]
Kronk: [He sleeps outside in his jammies while holding a teddy bear; he wakes up] The peasant! At the diner! [beated] He didn't pay his check. [falls back asleep, wakes again] He's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart. [gasps] He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. [smiles] Oh yeah, it's all comin' together. [He runs into Yzma's tent] Yzma!
Yzma: [She wakes up with facial cream and cucumber slices over her eyes] WHAT?!
Kronk: [recoils] UGGGGHHH!
Yzma: This had better be good! [two cucumber slices fall off of her eyes]
Birds: [chirping]
Kuzco: [sighs, sniffs, and gulps] Yeech.
Pacha: So, there we were standing on the cliff, and the ground started to rumble. And just as it started to go, he grabbed me before I fell. Do you believe that? [Kuzco finds Pacha in a field of llamas; to his herd] You know, call me crazy for following this guy all the way out here, but as much as he tries to deny it, I know there's some good in him. Besides, I couldn't leave him out there by himself. He's a lousy llama. I mean, a really lousy llama. [smiles at Kuzco, who approaches him]
Llama Kuzco: Hey, listen, Pacha, you know, what I said to you back at the diner, that, I didn't really...
Pacha: [holds up his hand to stop him] So, you tired of being a llama?
Llama Kuzco: [sniffles and sobs] YES!! [Kuzco and Pacha rush through the village to Pacha's house]
Pacha: Okay, we're just gonna stop at the house and get some supplies.
Llama Kuzco: And we'll be on our way, right?
Pacha: Right!
[They come across Topo and Ipi playing checkers]
Ipo: Hey there, Pacha! Hey, y'know you just missed your relatives.
Pacha: My relatives?
Ipi: Yeah, we just sent' em up to your house!
Pacha: What did they look like?
Ipi: Well, you see, there was this big guy and this older woman who was... [to Ipo] Well, how would you describe her?
Ipo: Eh, scary beyond all reason.
Ipi: Yeah, that's it.
[Both Pacha and Kuzco are in shock]
[At Pacha's house, Yzma is having tea with Chicha while posing as a long-lost relative]
Chicha: [pouring tea into Yzma's cup] So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great-aunt. [Chicha gives her a suspicious stare; chuckles nervously] Twice removed. [sips her tea]
Chicha: Uh-huh.
Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk? [Kronk is playing jump rope with Tipo and Chaca]
Chaca: 99 monkeys jumping on the bed!
Kronk: One fell off and bumped his head!
[Yzma is annoyed]
Chicha: You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.
Yzma: Oh, would you, please? That would be just great! [makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knocks her teacup off the table] Oops. [Nervousness in chuckles] Silly me.
Chicha: No, no. [exhaustively] Allow me. [has trouble picking up a cup while bein' pregnant]
Yzma: [dashes up to Kronk, who is jumping rope with Tipo and Chaca. As she talks to Kronk, she's skipping with him while playing patty-cake] She's hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.
Kronk: Okay, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.
Yzma: [groans and cartwheels back to the table after Chicha picks up the cup] So, while we're waiting for Paca...
Chicha: Pacha.
Yzma: Oh, yes, perhaps we can have a tour of your lovely home.
Chicha: Y'know, why don't you just come back when Pacha gets home? I'm sure he'd love to show you the... [sees Pacha out the window signaling her to meet him in private] Well, excuse me, won't you? I think I left something in the oven. [dashes away] What?! [Back to Kronk, who a has a jump rope in each hand while Tipo and Chaca jump]
Kronk: This is my variation of Double Dutch. On the signal, we switch places.
Yzma: Kronk, it's time.
Kronk: Okay! [With a twirl, Yzma is holding the jump ropes while Kronk is jumping one rope and Tipo and Chaca jump the other; Yzma growls in frustration]
Pacha: So, we have to get back to the palace, find the lab, and change him back.
Llama Kuzco: Hi there! Aah! [Chicha hits him with a frying pan]
Pacha: That was him.
Chicha: Whoops.
Tipo: You know what? I don't believe you're really my great-aunt. You're more like my great-great-great...
Chicha: Go. I'll stall them long enough for you two to get a head start.
Pacha: Thanks, honey.
Llama Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.
Tipo: Great-great-great...
Yzma: Grr! All right! Are you through?
Tipo: ...great-great-aunt.
Llama Kuzco: Hey, was it a good idea to leave your family with those two?
Pacha: Oh, don't worry. They can handle themselves.
[The scene cuts back to at the house, Chicha has managed to shut Yzma and Kronk in a closet by taking away the doorknob]
Chicha: What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here.
Chicha: There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: Alright, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is, and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Uh, don't you mean "or"?
Yzma: [annoyed, giving in] Tell us where the talking llama is, OR we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
Yzma: That's it! Kronk, break the door down!
Kronk: Break it down? Are you kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.
Yzma: I don't care, you fool! Get out of my way! I'll break it down myself. One!
Chicha: Okay, kids, you know what to do.
Yzma: Two!
Tipo and Chaca: Right, Mom!
Yzma: Three! [charges through the closet but then slips on a broom held by Tipo, then rides on a wheelbarrow and is covered by honey and feathers; falls out of the wheelbarrow]
[The scene cuts to a party where kids are about to whack a pinata]
Piñata Lady: Okay, children. On you mark, get set... [Yzma takes the place of the pinata] Go!
[The kids start batting Yzma with their clubs]
Yzma: Ow! Stop it, you little brats! [sees Kuzco and Pacha making a run for it] THERE THEY GO, KRONK! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!
Kronk: Ha ha ha! Well, I had a great time. Let's not wait until the next family reunion to get together.
Yzma: Kronk!
Kronk: I gotta run.
Llama Kuzco: Okay, why does she even have that lever?
[Pacha pulls the other lever, and the trap door sends them to the riding cart]
Skeleton Ride Voice: Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Kuzco and Pacha scream all the way through the ride and end up in Yzma and Kronk's lab costumes]
Llama Kuzco: Huh?
[They take off the costumes and run to the lab]
Pacha: What does it look like?
Llama Kuzco: I don't know. Just keep looking.
Pacha: Over here. It has to be one of these. Lions, tigers, bears... [finds the vials of human potions empty]
Yzma: [appears out of nowhere] Oh, my. Looking for this? [holds up the last vial]
Llama Kuzco: No, it can't be! How did you get back here before us?!
Yzma: [about to speak, but stops herself] How did we, Kronk?
Kronk: [pulls down the map] Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
Yzma: [shrugs] Oh, well. Back to business.
Llama Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really wanna kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go. That your life's going in a different direction. That your body is part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: [annoyed] I know. It's called a cruel irony. Like my dependence on you.
Llama Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting this. [starts to pull up her dress; Kuzco and Pacha recoil and start yelling objections, before she reveals a knife strapped to her thigh] A-ha! [Kuzco and Pacha are relieved] Finish them off. [tosses the knife to Kronk]
Kronk Devil: Hey, you're not backing down now, are you, big guy?
Kronk: Uh, where's the other guy? [Kronk's Shoulder Angel appears sitting in a hairdryer] Yo.
Kronk Angel: [quickly gets off the chair, removes the helmet and restores his halo while he speaks] Sorry I'm late. So, what did I miss?
Kronk: Well, Yzma just tossed me this knife and asked me to, y'know, take them out. [Yzma stares at him, turns to Kuzco and Pacha, and points to him with her thumb; Pacha and Kuzco shrug] Then this guy popped up and we waited for you, and, quite honestly-
Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk Angel: Whoa, now.
Yzma: A really, really big, stupid monkey named KRONK!
Kronk Devil: Ouch!
Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I never liked your spinach puffs. [Kronk, Kronk Angel, and Kronk Devil gasp] NEVER!
[Kronk breaks down into tears; Shoulder Angel comforts him]
Kronk Devil: [cocks his trident like a shotgun] That's it. She's going down.
Kronk Angel: Now, now. Remember, guys: "From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward."
[They look above Yzma and notice a chandelier]
Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil: That'll work.
Kronk: [cuts the rope to the chandelier, sending it falling down towards Yzma, but due to her skinny form, it falls around her instead of on her] Strange. That usually works.
Yzma: And so does this. [pulls over a large vial, which turns out to be a lever for a trapdoor below Kronk]
Kronk: Ah, should've seen that coming. [falls through] WHOOAAAAAA! [Shoulder angel and devil then falls down through holding each other]
Yzma: Aah! Give me that vial!
Pacha: Oof!
Yzma: Ah! Ha ha! Aah! Oops. Clumsy me. Which one? Which one?
[alarm sounds] Better hurry. I'm expecting company. Kill them! They murdered the Emperor!
Llama Kuzco: No! Wait! I'm the Emperor! It's me! Kuzco! [to Pacha] They're not listening to me!
Pacha: Just take them all! [overturns a tableful of magic potions: the guards are transformed into a warthog, a lizard, an ostrich, a cow, an octopus, and a gorilla]
Yzma: Get them!
Guard in Cow Form: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
Yzma: You're excused. [the guard-turned-cow leaves] Anyone else?
Guards in Animal Forms: No. We're good.
Yzma: Get them!
[The scene cuts into the Llama Kuzco and Pacha running from the guards in animal forms]
Pacha: One of them's gotta change you back. Try this one.
Tortoise Kuzco: [drinks a potion and turns into a tortoise] Uh, Pacha, a little help? [being a tortoise, cannot run away from the guards in animal forms]
Pacha: Come on, come on! [grabs Kuzco and narrowly avoids the guard in octopus form's axes; he then uses Kuzco like a skateboard down the stairway edges until they're cornered by the guards]
Tortoise Kuzco: 'AAAAAH!!'
Pacha: [holds up another potion] Oh, please be something with wings. [uncorks the potion and gives to Kuzco. In a puff of pink smoke, they rise off the rail; the smoke settles to reveal Kuzco as a bird]
Bird Kuzco: Yeah-ha-ha! We're flying!!! [reveals he is actually a tiny bird; unable to lift Pacha's weight off the ground] Uh-oh. [they crash onto a statue's head and Pacha runs while holding him] We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm pickin' the next one!
Pacha: Fine by me!
Bird Kuzco: Give me that one!? [Pacha gives him the potion, turns him into a whale]
Whale Kuzco: Don't you say a word. [The bridge collapses and Pacha and Kuzco fall down screaming into the canals below and splash into the water]
Yzma: Quick, drain the canals! [Kuzco surfaces with Pacha standing on his head]
Pacha: Open up! [throws a potion into Kuzco's open mouth, turns back into a llama]
Llama Kuzco: Yay! I'm a llama again! [pauses] Wait… [A rumbling is heard and the water drains out of the palace; Kuzco and Pacha are now hanging onto the facade]
Yzma: There they go! After them!
Guard in Lizard Form: Come on, men. Nobody lives forever!
Guards in Animal Forms: CHARGE!! [jump onto the passage, but because of the slippery surface, they fall down while Kuzco and Pacha climb up]
Cat Yzma: A-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win.
Kronk:(Hits Yzma in the face while opening the door, causing her to drop the vial again] Whoa!
Pacha: [catches the vial] I got it! [Kuzco smiles]
Kronk: What are the odds of that trapdoor leading me out here?! [Pacha pulls Kuzco up, they laugh and share a hug, before they realize and pull apart with a nervous chuckles]
Pacha: Um, let me get that for you. [opens the vial, and hands it to Kuzco] Here you go.
Llama Kuzco: I'll see you, on the other side. [drinks the potion, back in his human form, he apologizes to Rudy for throwing him out the window]
Rudy: Oh, you stop being so hard on yourself, all is forgiven.
Emperor Kuzco: You're sure?
Rudy: Ah, it's not the 1st time I was tossed out a window, and it won't be the last! What can I say? I'm a rebel [begins to play-fight]
Emperor Kuzco: Easy, tiger. [Rudy accidentally hits him] Hey, I gotta use that arm later. [Rudy leaves, chuckling] Okay, buddy, take care. Ah, he's a sweet guy. [suddenly, Pacha sees a model of Kuzcotopia summer house on top of the hilltop at the village, and Kuzco walks up to him] So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Emperor Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing. [takes Kuzcotopia away] So, I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Emperor Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it. [puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop] Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
Pacha: [smiles, Kuzco sit next to Pacha in silence in the moment on the bench] You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.
Bird: [chirping]
Emperor Kuzco: Ha! Boom, baby!
Pacha: Ha! Boom, baby!
Theme song guy: ♪ You'd be the coolest dude in the nation, or the hippest cat in creation. But if you ain't got friends, then nothing's worth the fuss. A perfect world will come to be, when everybody here can see that a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect worlds begins and ends, a perfect world begins and ends with us! ♪
[Last lines; Kronk is now teaching the Junior Chipmunks, including Chaca and Tipo, squirrel language]
Kronk: My acorn is missing.
Kronk's Scouts: Squeak squeakin' squeak squeakity.
Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
Kronk's Scouts: Squeaker squeak squeak squeakin'?
Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
Kronk's Scouts: Squeak squeaker squeak squeaker...
[One of the Junior Chipmunks silently urges Cat Yzma to follow along]
Cat Yzma: [Holds the acorn; last words] Squeakin'.
Kronk: [smiles] I'm so proud of you, guys.

STING lyrics (My Funny Friend and Me)

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Sting: In the quiet time of evening / When the stars assume their patterns / And the day has made his journey / And we wondered just what happened / To the life we knew before the world changed / When not a thing I held was true / But you were kind to me / And you reminded me / That the world is not my playground / There are other things that matter / And when a simple needs protecting / My illusions all would shatter / But you stayed in my corner / The only world I know was upside down / And now the world and me / I know you carry me...| You see the patterns in the big sky / Those constellations look like you and I / Just like the patterns in the big sky / We could be lost, we could refuse to try / But we made it through in the dark night / Would those lucky guys turn out to be? / But that unusual blend of my funny friend and me...| I'm not as clever as I thought I was / I'm not the boy I used to be because / You showed me something different / You showed me something pure / I always seemed so certain but I was really never sure / But you stayed and you called my name / When others would have walked out on a lousy game / And you could've made it through / But your funny friend and me...| You see the patterns in the big sky, yeah, yeah, yeah / Those constellations look like you and I / That tiny planet in a bigger guy / I don't know whether I should laugh or cry...| Just like the patterns in the big sky, we'll be together / We'll be together till the end this time, don't know, you don't know / Don't know the answer or the reason why, we'll stick together / We'll stick together 'till the day we die...| If I had to do this all a second time / I won't complain or make a fuss / Who'd the angels send? / But that unlikely blend / Are those two funny friends / That's us...|[chorus singing]

Taglines

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  • It's All About... ME

Cast

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About The Emperor's New Groove

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  • The Sweatbox is at turns infuriating, hilarious and enlightening. You’ll cringe in sympathy with the Disney artists as you see the gross bureaucratic incompetence they had to endure while working at the studio in the 1990s. The film not only captures the tortured morphing of the Kingdom of the Sun into The Emperor’s New Groove, it also serves as an invaluable historical document about Disney’s animation operations in the late-1990s. If any questions remain about why Disney fizzled out creatively and surrendered its feature animation crown to Pixar and DreamWorks, this film will answer them
  • Amid Amidi
  • Supporters of Allers' original vision still feel that if he had been given the time, money and support that the film would have been a masterpiece. Instead of the more ambitious Kingdom of the Sun, the Disney Studio decides to go with a supposedly more commercial film incorporating some of the same characters and location, Emperor's New Groove.
  • Wade Sampson

See also

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Wikipedia
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