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The Emperor's New Groove

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The Emperor's New Groove is a 2000 American animated comedy film released by Walt Disney Pictures. It follows an Inca emperor named Kuzco who is turned into a llama by an ex-advisor and teams up with a peasant to transform him back to normal.

Directed by Mark Dindal. Written by David Reynolds.
Music by John Debney and includes "My Funny Friend and Me". Written by David Hartley and performed by Sting.
It's All About... ME (taglines)

Emperor Kuzco

[edit]
  • [narrating] Okay. This is the real me. [scene cuts to him as a llama] Not this. [cuts back to him as a human, lounging on his throne] This. [back to Llama Kuzco] Not this. [back to Human Kuzco] Winner. [back to Llama Kuzco] Loser. [back to Human Kuzco] Okay. See this palace? Everybody in it is at my command. Check this out. [spoken] Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.
  • [repeated line] Ha! Boom, baby!

Dialogue

[edit]
[First lines; at the very beginning where we see him as a llama all alone in the rainy jungle]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah. This is his story. Well, actually my story. That's right - I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco. Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy, and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what. You go back - you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. [the film rewinds to show Kuzco as a baby playing with his toys] All right, now see, that's a little too far back. Oh, ho. Look at me. That's me as a baby. [the stuffed animal's head pops off when Baby Kuzco squeezes it. Baby Kuzco cries, then coos and giggles when more stuffed animals are given to him] All right, let's move ahead.
[While Kuzco is dancing, he accidentally bumps into the old man named Rudy as the music comes to a halt]
Emperor Kuzco: [annoyed] D'oh! You threw off my groove! [crosses his arms]
Palace Guard: [to Rudy] I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. [picks up Rudy by the collar]
[Cut to outside the palace]
Rudy: [thrown out the window] SOOOOORRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!!!
[Cut back to Kuzco and Theme Song Guy]
Emperor Kuzco: [to Theme Song Guy] You were saying?
[Kuzco analyzes potential brides]
Emperor Kuzco: Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.
Pacha: [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Hey, are you all right? [helps Rudy down] What happened?
Rudy: Well, I threw off the emperor's groove.
Pacha: What?
Rudy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!
Pacha: [shocked] Oh...really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-
Rudy: [leaps up and shakes him by the collar] DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!!!
Pacha: Oh. Okay.
Rudy: [climbing down] Beware the groove!
Pacha: Hey, are you going to be all right?
Rudy: [leaving] The grooooove...
Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] See what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing compared to what happens next. Okay, check out this piece of work: this is Yzma, the Emperor's Advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget about Yzma's right-hand-man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model's called Kronk.
Kronk: Yeah, I'll get that, Yzma. [swats at a fly and hits himself by mistake]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrates] Yep, that's Kronk! Now, lately Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinking, That's gotta stop.
Emperor Kuzco: [places a model of Kuzcotopia on top of the hill, smashing the model of Pacha's house] Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide!
Pacha: [shocked] What?
Emperor Kuzco: Isn't it great?! It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!
Pacha: Um...I don't understand how this could happen.
Emperor Kuzco: Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... [hums carnival tune for his resort display on top of Pacha's village] So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.
Pacha: But, um, where will we live?
Emperor Kuzco: [thinks] Hmm...Don't know. Don't care. How's that? [starts to leave]
Pacha: Wait! You can't-! [gets blocked by guards]
Emperor Kuzco: [appalled that Pacha has just dared to talk back to him, halts mid-stride, turns back around and gets in Pacha's face] When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. [happily] Bye-bye!
Pacha: Wait! [gets dragged off]
Emperor Kuzco: [mocking] Boo-hoo!
[After Kuzco fires Yzma, she starts using a hammer to smash effigies of him provided by Kronk]
Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! Does he- [to Kronk] A little to the left. [Kronk nudges the head so she can smash it] -have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!
Kronk: [lays down another bust, which Yzma smashes] Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: [dryly] Yeah. Go figure.
Kronk: Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?
Yzma: [gasps and smiles] That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco.
Kronk: The real Kuzco?
Yzma: Of course, the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brrrrilliant.
Kronk: So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?
Yzma: To the secret lab! [they move over to two levers] Pull the lever, Kronk! [Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under her; she falls through] WRONG LEVEEEEEEEEER! [splash]
Kronk: [looking down the trap door] Uh...
Yzma: [comes out all wet and with a crocodile biting her dress] Why do we even have that lever? [slaps the crocodile which lets go of her dress and runs away, yipping] Get out of my way. [pulls the other lever, and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride]
Skeleton Ride Voice: Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Ride speeds up, going through tunnels]
Kronk: Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!
[Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work]
Yzma: Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. [laughs] Oh, feel the power.
Kronk: Oh. I can feel it.
Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches! [laughs] IT'S DINNERTIME!
[Lightning flashes]
Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?
Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Yzma: Not the dinner. The You-Ynow...?
Kronk: Oh, riiiight. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. [long pause] That poison?
Yzma: Yes, that poison.
Kronk: Got ya covered.
Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.
Kronk: Which is a real shame, 'cause it's gonna be delicious.
Kronk: [about to deliver the poisoned drink to Kuzco] (Smells something burning?) [gasps] My spinach puffs! [dashes off to the kitchen]
[Both Kuzco and Yzma are having an awkward moment at the dining table]
Emperor Kuzco: So, he seems...nice.
Yzma: [gives a weak chuckle] He is.
Emperor Kuzco: [beat] He's what, in his late twenties?
Yzma: I-I'm not sure... [forces an awkward smile]
Yzma: What?! A llama?! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!
Kronk: Yeah, weird.
Yzma: Let me see that vial. [Kronk hands her the vial. The label's folded half-way, the logo looking like the top half of a skull. She unfolds the top of the label with her thumb, revealing a logo in the shape of a llama] This isn't poison! This is extract of...LLAMA! [tosses the vial at Kronk, which bounces off of his head and shatters on the floor] Oooohhhhh...
Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job Now!
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: [about to snap, but then reconsiders] Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: [beat] Alright, a quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!
[While Kuzco is in a bag, about to go over a very large waterfall]
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?
Kronk: My shoulder angel.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the "path of righteousness". I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Ah, come off it
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You come off it.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: [smirking] You infinity. [the angel growls in frustration; to Kronk] Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: [points at the angel] Look at that guy. He's got that sissy, stringy, music thing.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: All right. So, that's a harp...and that's a dress.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Robe.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Reason number two: [does a one-handed handstand] Look what I can do. Ha, ha! Ha!
Kronk: But, uh, what does that have to do with anything?
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: No, no, he's got a point.
Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're starting to confuse me, so, uh, "be gone". Or, uh, you know, however I get rid of you guys.
[Kronk's Shoulder Angel disappears]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That'll work. [also disappears]
[Kronk saves Kuzco by grabbing the bag. Then the camera zooms out too far to reveal the waterfall, and then the tree branch where the monkey gobbles up the bug]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Uh...what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?
[The camera quickly zooms back to Kronk, who's still carrying Kuzco in the bag]
Chicha: So, what did the emperor want?
Pacha: [clears throat] Oh, you know what, he couldn't see me.
Chicha: Couldn't see you? Why not?
Pacha: I don't know.
Chicha: Well, well, that's just rude.
Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.
Chicha: No, no, no, no, no. No. Emperor or no Emperor, it's called common courtesy.
Pacha: Honey-
Chicha: If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him, and you know I would.
Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie. Think of the baby.
Chicha: Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming out for awhile. But even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just, just...I gotta go wash something. [went to the kitchen to do dishes] Pacha, you okay?
Pacha: Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm just a little tired from the trip. Um...I'm gonna go put Misty away. [takes Misty to the backyard of his house, and sits on the rock]
[The film freezes]
Emperor Kuzco: [comes out in llama form onscreen] Hi. Excuse me. 2 seconds here. [takes out a red marker] Um, I'm the one in the cart, remember? [circles the burlap sack he's tied up in] This story's about me. [crosses Pacha out] Not him. Got it? Okay. We're gonna move ahead. Sorry to slow you down. [disappears for a split second, but comes back out and scribbles Pacha out with the marker before the film continues]
Pacha: [gets up, and sees the bag moving. He opens the bag and sees Kuzco in llama form popping out, in a diz] Huh? Whoa. Where'd you come from, little guy?
Emperor Kuzco: [still dizzy] No...touchy.
Pacha: [falls over] AH!!! DEMON LLAMA!
Emperor Kuzco: Demon llama?! Where?! [looks at Misty and screams. He screams and attempts to run away on his hind legs, but fails, tumbles and crashes onto the fence] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ow! Ow, my head!
Pacha: Okay, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm,
Emperor Kuzco: What are you talking about - Oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.
Pacha: [shocked] Emperor Kuzco?
Emperor Kuzco: Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin' to?
Pacha: Uh...how did - Um...you don't...look like the emperor.
Emperor Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: Uh...oh...do this... [gesturing his fingers to Kuzco]
Emperor Kuzco: What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to- [notices he has hooves] Ahh! It can't be! [goes to a fountain to show his reflection and realizes he's been turned into a llama] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! My face! My beautiful, beautiful face!
Pacha: Okay, okay, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Emperor Kuzco: I'm an ugly stinky llama!
Pacha: Wait, okay, Your Majesty.
Emperor Kuzco: Llama face!
Pacha: What happened?
Emperor Kuzco: I'm trying to figure that out, okay? [falls and starts whining again] I can't remember! I can't remember anything! [stops himself] Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was. And then you got mad at me. [gasps] Then you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What? No, I did not!
Emperor Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
Emperor Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind. Not me.
Pacha: What?!
Emperor Kuzco: Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. Okay, I gotta get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab"; [tries to walk on hooves] I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back. Hey, you. No time to waste. Let's go. [starts walks away] Hey, tiny. I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.
Pacha: [pauses] Build your summer home somewhere else.
Emperor Kuzco: [looks back at Pacha] You wanna run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, I got a little secret for you. [whispers] Come here. No, closer. [screams in Pacha's face] I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!
Pacha: Then, I guess I can't take you back.
Emperor Kuzco: Fine, I don't need you. I can find my own way back. [starts walking towards the jungle]
Pacha: I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.
Emperor Kuzco: Nice try, pal.
Pacha: No, really, I'm telling you - there are jaguars and snakes and quicksand!
Emperor Kuzco: [singsong] La, la, la, la, la-la-la. La-la-la. I'm not listening.
Pacha: I'm not kidding. Listen, you cannot go in there!
Emperor Kuzco: [singsong] Still not listening.
Pacha: [gives up] Fine. Fine! GO AHEAD! If there's no Kuzco, there's no "Kuzcotopia". Takes care of my problem. [looks back at the jungle, and starts to have thoughts]
[Pacha and Kuzco are swinging to safety after Kuzco is rescued from a pack of jaguars]
Pacha: Don't worry, Your Highness, I got ya! You're safe now!
[The vine from which they are swinging from catches, spins them around numerous times and binds them to a log]
Emperor Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no, no. It's-It's okay. This is all right. We can figure this out.
[The log starts to break]
Emperor Kuzco: I hate you.
[The log breaks completely, sending them plummeting into a river. After riding through the rapids, they are bounced into far calmers waters]
Emperor Kuzco: [spits out water] I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.
Pacha: [eyes widen] Uh-oh.
Emperor Kuzco: [deadpan] Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: [also deadpan] Yep.
Emperor Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Looks likely.
Emperor Kuzco: [beat] Bring it on. [as they go over] BOO-YEAH!!! WOO-HOO!!!
[Kuzco is rinsing his mouth after a failed attempted CPR]
Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.
Emperor Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it. It was disgusting. [spits water on the fire] And to think, if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life. [shakes the water out of him, which puts out another fire]
Pacha: [annoyed] Augh!
'Emperor Kuzco] But now that we're here, you will take me back to the palace, I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. [builds a house with a rock, sticks, and a leaf] Oh, yeah.
Pacha: Okay, now look. I think we got off on the wrong foot here.
Emperor Kuzco: [drying himself with Pacha's poncho] Um-hm.
Pacha: I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.
Emperor Kuzco: And why would I do that? [throws the poncho onto the fireplace, which puts out another fire]
Pacha: Because...Deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.
Emperor Kuzco: And that's...bad?
Pacha: Well, yeah! Uh, nobody's that heartless.
Emperor Kuzco: Mmmm. Now take me back.
Pacha: What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.
Emperor Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program. Eh, Pacha?
Pacha: You know, someday you're gonna wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Emperor Kuzco: Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here. Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.
Emperor Kuzco: [mocking] "Because unless you change your mind, I'm not gonna take you back." Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. [throws an acorn at Pacha, who glares at him] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't do that. Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
Pacha: [sighs; to himself] He's never going to change his mind.
Emperor Kuzco: [sighs; to himself] How am I ever gonna get out of here?
[During Kuzco's "Funeral"]
Yzma: Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince... [Kronk sobs] Taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.
Kronk: [tearfully] Poor little guy.
Yzma: His legacy will live on in our hearts...
Kronk: He never had a chance.
Yzma: ...for all eternity. [beat] Well, he ain't gettin' any deader! [rips off black cloak to reveal a hot pink extravaganza of an outfit] Back to work.
[The attendees quickly toss their candles away and get to renovate the palace]
Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: He's still alive?!
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
Yzma: [face turns red] Kronk!
Kronk: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up, in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: Ya think?! You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through! NOW LET'S MOVE!
[After Pacha and Kuzco are hung from the ropes to the bridge]
Pacha: Are you okay? Are you all right?
Emperor Kuzco: Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm all right.
Pacha: Good! [punches Kuzco] That's for going back on your promise!
Emperor Kuzco: [kicks Pacha] Yeah! That's for kidnapping me and taking me to your village, which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. [chuckles nervously] No touchy.
Pacha: [headbutts Kuzco] Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong!
Emperor Kuzco: [sarcastically] Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad, bad llama.
Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over!
Emperor Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly and stupid!
Pacha: Let's end this!
Emperor Kuzco: Ladies first!
[Kuzco has just rescued Pacha from falling back into the canyon]
Emperor Kuzco: WHOO! YEAH! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right outta the air! "Oh, I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal. Uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Pacha: You just saved my life.
Emperor Kuzco: Huh? So?
Pacha: I knew it.
Emperor Kuzco: Knew what?
Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.
Emperor Kuzco: Oh, no.
Pacha: Admit it.
Emperor Kuzco: Wrong.
Pacha: Yes, there is.
Emperor Kuzco: Nuh-uh.
Pacha: I think there is.
Emperor Kuzco: Nuh-uh.
Pacha: Hey, you could've let me fall.
Emperor Kuzco: C'mon, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless. [pauses] Eh, don't put too much into it. It was a one-time thing.
Pacha: Yeah, sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a 4-day walk to the palace.
Emperor Kuzco: What, you mean you're still taking me back?
Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?
Emperor Kuzco: Well, yeah. But I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.
Pacha: Well, 4 days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.
Emperor Kuzco: Uh-huh. Four days. What are the chances of you carrying me?
Pacha: Not good.
Yzma: No! No! No! We've searched every village around the palace, and no sign of him! Where is he?!
[Pacha is carrying Kuzco while walking]
Pacha: Low blood sugar, huh?
Emperor Kuzco: Yeah, it's a curse. [Laughs]
Pacha: Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.
Mata: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
Kronk: [having a chance to cook] Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill. Got it.
[Yzma and Kuzco are ordering meals from Kronk. When one exits, the other enters, so they never see each other]
Yzma: While you're at it, make me the special, and hold the gravy.
Kronk: Check. Pickup.
Emperor Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk? Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
[Yzma groans]
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Emperor Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Emperor Kuzco: Cheese, me no like-y.
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in.
Kronk: Ah, come on, make up your mind.
Emperor Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought-
Yzma and Emperor Kuzco: Make my potatoes a salad.
[Pacha whispers into Mata's ear to avoid Yzma finding Kuzco]
Mata: Don't worry, honey. We do this all the time. [leaves]
[As Yzma stares at Kuzco, who's in drag by wearing Pacha's hat and poncho while wearing makeup]
Patrons: [singing] ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! [give Yzma a distracted birthday party] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FROM ALL OF US TO YOU! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO!
Pacha: Come on! [pulls Kuzco]
[An annoyed Yzma is wearing a huge sombrero crosses her arms next to the birthday cake with many candles]
Patrons: [singing] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FROM ALL OF US TO YOU! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO!
Kronk: [comes out of the kitchen while cooking and laughing] Hahaha! It's your birthday?!
[Kuzco had escorted out the restaurant by Pacha]
Emperor Kuzco: What are you doing?
Pacha: Look, there's two people in there looking for you.
Emperor Kuzco: What?
Pacha: A big guy and a skinny old woman.
Emperor Kuzco: Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?
Pacha: Oh, yeah.
Emperor Kuzco: That's Yzma and Kronk. I'm saved.
Pacha: Trust me, they're not here to save you.
Emperor Kuzco: They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here.
Pacha: No, no, you don't understand. They're trying to kill you.
Emperor Kuzco: Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.
Pacha: No, I can't let you.
Emperor Kuzco: What? Wha...Oh. Oh, I get it.
Pacha: What?
Emperor Kuzco: You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.
Pacha: No!
Emperor Kuzco: This has all been an act, and I almost fell for it.
Pacha: Will you just listen to...
Emperor Kuzco: No, no, you listen to me. All you care about is your-your stupid hilltop!
Pacha: What?
Emperor Kuzco: You don't care about me. Now, just get out of here. Go!
Pacha: But, but-
Emperor Kuzco: Go on, get out of here!
Pacha: [having enough] FINE!
[Kuzco leaves; Cut to Yzma and Kronk leaving the diner]
Yzma: Oh, this entire mess is all your fault!
Kronk: What'd I do?
Yzma: If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Kuzco would be DEAD now! [at Yzma's statement, the smile on Kuzco's face instantly falls and is replaced with shock and horror] There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and KILL HIM!
[Kuzco retreats and hides in the bushes]
Kronk: Said I was sorry, can't just let it go, not even on your birthday.
Yzma: Kuzco must be eliminated. The empire will finally be rid of that useless slug.
Kronk: Well, you got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?
Kuzco: [stares in shock as he watches Yzma and Kronk leave] Pacha! [looks around] PACHA?!
[Pacha has vanished; Kuzco hangs his head in despair. He takes off Pacha's poncho and hat, and walks off deep in the jungle, realizing what he'd had done]
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] What? I'm just telling them what happened.
Emperor Kuzco: Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They know what happened.
Emperor Kuzco: [narrating] Well, yeah, but-
Emperor Kuzco: Just leave me alone.
[Kronk is sleeping outside in his jammies while holding a teddy bear]
Kronk: [wakes up] The peasant! At the diner! [beat] He didn't pay his check. [falls back asleep, wakes again] He's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart. [gasps] He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. [smiles] Oh yeah, it's all comin' together. [runs into Yzma's tent] Yzma!
Yzma: [wakes up with facial cream and cucumber slices over her eyes] What?!
Kronk: [recoils] UGGGGHHH!
Yzma: This had better be good! [2 cucumber slices fall off of her eyes]
[Kuzco finds Pacha in a field of llamas]
Pacha: [To his herd] Try as he might to deny it, I know there's some good in him! Besides, I couldn't leave him out there by himself. He's a lousy llama. I mean, a really lousy llama. [smiles at Kuzco, who approaches him]
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, listen, Pacha, you know, what I said to you back at the diner, th-that, I-I-I didn't really...
Pacha: [holds up his hand to stop him] So...you tired of being a llama?
Emperor Kuzco: [sobbing] YEH-HEH-HEH-HESS!!!
[Kuzco and Pacha rush through the village to Pacha's house]
Pacha: Okay, we're just gonna stop at the house and get some supplies.
Emperor Kuzco: And we'll be on our way, right?
Pacha: Right!
[They come across Topo and Ipi playing checkers]
Topo: Hey there, Pacha! Hey, y'know you just missed your relatives.
Pacha: My relatives?
Ipi: Yeah, we just sent'em up to your house!
Pacha: What did they look like?
Ipi: Well, y'see, there was this big guy and this older woman who was... [to Topo] Well, how would you describe her?
Topo: Eh, scary beyond all reason.
Ipi: Yeah, that's it!
[Both Pacha and Kuzco are in shock. We cut to Yzma, who is having tea with Chicha while posing as a long-lost relative]
Chicha: So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha.
Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great-aunt. [Chicha gives her a suspicious stare; chuckles nervously] Twice removed. [sips her tea]
Chicha: Uh-huh.
Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk?
[Kronk is playing jump rope with Tipo and Chaca]
Chaca: 99 monkeys jumping on the bed!
Kronk: One fell off and bumped his head!
[Yzma is annoyed]
Chicha: You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.
Yzma: Oh, would you, please? That would be just great. [makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knock her teacup off the table] Oops. Silly me.
Chicha: No, no. [exhaustively] Allow me. [having trouble picking up a cup while being pregnant]
Yzma: [dashes up to Kronk, who is jumping rope with Tipo and Chaca. As she talks to Kronk, she's skipping with him while playing patty-cake] She's hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.
Kronk: Okay, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.
Yzma: [groans and cartwheels back to the table after Chicha picks up the cup] So, while we're waiting for Paca...
Chicha: Pacha.
Yzma: Oh, yes, perhaps we can have a tour of your lovely home.
Chicha: Y'know, why don't you just come back when Pacha gets home? I'm sure he'd love to show you the... [sees Pacha out the window signaling her to meet him in private] Wwwell, excuse me, won't you? I think I left something in the oven. [dashes away]
[Back to Kronk, who a has a jump rope in each hand while Tipo and Chaca jump]
Kronk: This is my variation of Double Dutch. On the signal, we switch places.
Yzma: Kronk, it's time.
Kronk: Okay!
[With a twirl, Yzma is holding the jump ropes while Kronk is jumping one rope and Tipo and Chaca jump the other; Yzma growls in frustration]
Emperor Kuzco: Hey, was it a good idea to leave your family with those two?
Pacha: Oh, don't worry. They can handle themselves.
[Cuts back to at the house, Chicha has managed to shut Yzma and Kronk in a closet by taking away the doorknob]
Chicha: What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here.
Chicha: There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: Alright, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is, and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Uh, don't you mean "or"?
Yzma: [annoyed, giving in] Tell us where the talking llama is, [glares at Kronk] OR [to the keyhole] we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
Yzma: That's it! Kronk, break the door down!
Kronk: Break it down? Are you kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.
Yzma: I don't care, you fool! Get out of my way! I'll break it down myself. A-1...
Chicha: Okay, kids, you know what to do.
Yzma: ...2...
Tipo and Chaca: Right, Mom!
Yzma: 3! [charges through the closet but then slips on a broom held by Tipo, then rides on a wheelbarrow and is covered by honey and feathers; falls out of the wheelbarrow]
[Scene cuts to a party where kids are about to whack a pinata]
Mother: Okay, children. On you mark, get set... [Yzma takes the place of the pinata] Go!
[The kids start batting Yzma with their clubs]
Yzma: Stop it, you little brats! [sees Kuzco and Pacha making a run for it] THERE THEY GO, KRONK! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!
Emperor Kuzco: Okay, why does she even have that lever?
[Pacha pulls the other lever, and the trap door sends them to the riding cart]
Skeleton Ride Voice: Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Kuzco and Pacha scream all the way through the ride and end up in Yzma and Kronk's lab costumes]
Emperor Kuzco: Huh?
[They take off the costumes and run to the lab]
Pacha: What does it look like?
Emperor Kuzco: I don't know. Just keep looking.
Pacha: Over here. It has to be one of these. Lions, tigers, bears...
[Finds the vials of human potions empty]
Yzma: [appears out of nowhere] Oh, my. Looking for this? [holds up the last vial]
Emperor Kuzco: No, it can't be! How did you get back here before us?!
Yzma: [about to speak, but stops herself] How did we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. [pulls down the map] By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
Yzma: [shrugs] Oh, well. Back to business.
Emperor Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really wanna kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go. That your life's going in a different direction. That your body is part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: [annoyed] I know. It's called a cruel irony. Like my dependence on you.
Emperor Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting this. [starts to pull up her dress; Kuzco and Pacha recoil and start yelling objections, before she reveals a knife strapped to her thigh] A-ha! [Kuzco and Pacha are relieved] [tosses the knife to Kronk] Finish them off.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Hey, you're not backing down now, are you, big guy?
Kronk: Uh, where's the other guy? [Kronk's Shoulder Angel appears sitting in a hairdryer] Yo.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: [quickly gets off the chair, removes the helmet and restores his halo while he speaks] Sorry I'm late. So, what did I miss?
Kronk: Well, Yzma just tossed me this knife and asked me to, y'know, take them out. [Yzma stares at him, turns to Kuzco and Pacha, and points to him with her thumb; Pacha and Kuzco shrug] Then this guy popped up and we waited for you, and, quite honestly-
Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa, now.
Yzma: A really, really big, stupid monkey named KRONK!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch!
Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I never liked your spinach puffs. [Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil all gasp] NEVER!
[Kronk breaks down into tears; Shoulder Angel comforts him]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it. [cocks his trident like a shotgun] She's goin' down.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now. Remember, guys: "From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward."
[They look above Yzma and notice a chandelier]
Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil: That'll work.
[Kronk cuts the rope to the chandelier, sending it falling down towards Yzma, but due to her skinny form, it falls around her instead of on her]
Kronk: Strange. That usually works.
Yzma: And so does this. [pulls over a large vial, which turns out to be a lever for a trapdoor below Kronk]
Kronk: Ah. Should've seen that coming. [falls through] WHOOAAAAAA!
[Shoulder angel and devil then fall through holding each other]
Yzma: Kill them! They murdered the Emperor!
Emperor Kuzco: No! Wait! I'm the Emperor! It's me! Kuzco! [to Pacha] They're not listening to me!
[Pacha overturns a tableful of magic potions: the guards are transformed into a warthog, a lizard, an ostrich, a cow, an octopus, and a gorilla]
Yzma: Get them!
Guard-Turned Cow: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
Yzma: You're excused. [the guard-turned cow leaves] Anyone else?
Guards-Turned Animals: No, no. We're good.
Yzma: Get them!
[Kuzco and Pacha are running from the guards]
Pacha: One of them's gotta change you back. Try this one.
Emperor Kuzco: [drinks a potion and turns into a tortoise] Uh, Pacha, little help? [being a tortoise, cannot run away from the guards]
Pacha: Come on, come on! [grabs Kuzco and narrowly avoids the Octopus Guard's axes; he then uses Kuzco like a skateboard down the the stairway edges until they're cornered by the guards]
Emperor Kuzco: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Pacha: [holds up another potion] Oh, please be something with wings. [uncorks the potion and gives to Kuzco. In a puff of pink smoke, they rise off the rail; the smoke settles to reveal Kuzco as a red bird]
Emperor Kuzco: Yeah-ha-ha! We're flying!!! [reveals he is actually a tiny bird; unable to lift Pacha's weight off the ground] Uh-oh. [they crash onto a statue's head and Pacha runs while holding him] We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm picking the next one.
Pacha: Fine by me.
Emperor Kuzco: Give me that one. [Pacha gives him the potion, turning him into a whale] Don't you say a word.
[The bridge collapses and Pacha and Kuzco fall into the canals below]
Yzma: Quick, drain the canals!
[Kuzco surfaces with Pacha standing on his head]
Pacha: Open up! [throws a potion into Kuzco's open mouth, turning back into a llama]
Emperor Kuzco: Yay, I'm a llama again! [pauses] Wait.
[A rumbling is heard and the water drains out of the palace; Kuzco and Pacha are now hanging onto the facade]
Yzma: There they go! After them!
Guard-Turned Lizard: Come on, men. Nobody lives forever!
Guard-Turned Animals: CHARGE!! [jump onto the passage, but because of the slippery surface, they fall while Kuzco and Pacha climb up]
Pacha: Drink the potion!
Emperor Kuzco: Okay, okay! Where did it go?! Where is it?!
Cat Yzma: Looking for this? [reveals Yzma as a cat] Is that my voice? [coughs] Is that MY voice? [shrugs] Oh, well.
Emperor Kuzco: No, no, don't drop it!
Cat Yzma: I'm not going to drop it, you fool! I'm going to drink it! And once I'm back to my beautiful self, I'm going to KILL YOU!
Palace Guard: For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline!
Delivery Man: Y'know, you could've told me that before I set it up!
[Then Cat Yzma, who was falling, bounces on the trampoline, and launches back up as she continues screaming and suddenly catches the vial]
Cat Yzma: [triumphantly] Yes! [then hits her head on the bottom of the stone arch, causing her to drop the vial]
Pacha: The vial! [the vial lands on the other stone of the arch; to Kuzco] You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
[Together, Kuzco and Pacha do the back climb like they did at the broken bridge to reach the vial. Cat Yzma wakes up, shakes her head, sees what's happening, leaps down, and snatches the vial before Pacha reaches it]
Cat Yzma: [evil laugh] I win.
Kronk: [opens the door and accidentally slammed into Cat Yzma's face, causing her to drop the vial again] Whoa!
Pacha: [catches the vial] I got it!
[Kuzco smiles]
Kronk: What are the odds of that trap door leading me out here?!
[Pacha pulls Kuzco up, they laugh and share a hug, before they realize and pull apart with a nervous chuckle]
Pacha: Um, let me get that for you. [opens the vial, and hands it to Kuzco] Here you go.
Emperor Kuzco: Thanks. I'll see you, on the other side. [drinks the potion]
[Kuzco, back in his human form, apologizes to Rudy for throwing him out the window]
Rudy: Oh, you stop being so hard on yourself. All is forgiven.
Emperor Kuzco: You're sure?
Rudy: Ah, it's not the first time I was tossed out a window, and it won't be the last! What can I say? I'm a rebel! [begins to play-fight]
Emperor Kuzco: Easy, tiger. [Rudy accidentally hits him] Hey, I gotta use that arm later. [Rudy leaves, chuckling] Okay, buddy, take care. Ah, he's a sweet guy. [suddenly, Pacha sees a model of Kuzcotopia summer house on top of the hilltop at the village, and Kuzco walks up to him] So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Emperor Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing. [takes Kuzcotopia away] So, I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Emperor Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it. [puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop] Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
[Pacha smiles, Kuzco sit next to Pacha in silence in the moment on the bench]
Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.
[Last lines; Kronk is now teaching the Junior Chipmunks, including Chaca and Tipo, squirrel language]
Kronk: My acorn is missing.
Junior Chipmunks: Squeak squeakin' squeak squeakity.
Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
Junior Chipmunks: Squeaker squeak squeak squeakin'?
Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
Junior Chipmunks: Squeak squeaker squeak squeaker...
[One of the Junior Chipmunks silently urges Cat Yzma to follow along]
Cat Yzma: [annoyed] Squeakin'.
Kronk: [smiles] I'm so proud of you guys.

STING lyrics (My Funny Friend and Me)

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Sting: In the quiet time of evening / When the stars assume their patterns / And the day has made his journey / And we wondered just what happened / To the life we knew before the world changed / When not a thing I held was true / But you were kind to me / And you reminded me / That the world is not my playground / There are other things that matter / And when a simple needs protecting / My illusions all would shatter / But you stayed in my corner / The only world I know was upside down / And now the world and me / I know you carry me| You see the patterns in the big sky / Those constellations look like you and I / Just like the patterns in the big sky / We could be lost, we could refuse to try / But we made it through in the dark night / Would those lucky guys turn out to be? / But that unusual blend of my funny friend and me| I'm not as clever as I thought I was / I'm not the boy I used to be because / You showed me something different / You showed me something pure / I always seemed so certain but I was really never sure / But you stayed and you called my name / When others would have walked out on a lousy game / And you could've made it through / But your funny friend and me| You see the patterns in the big sky, yeah, yeah, yeah / Those constellations look like you and I / That tiny planet in a bigger guy / I don't know whether I should laugh or cry| Just like the patterns in the big sky, we'll be together / We'll be together till the end this time, don't know, you don't know / Don't know the answer or the reason why, we'll stick together / We'll stick together 'till the day we die| If I had to do this all a second time / I won't complain or make a fuss / Who'd the angels send? / But that unlikely blend / Are those two funny friends / That's us|[chorus singing]

Taglines

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  • It's All About... ME

Cast

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About The Emperor's New Groove

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  • The Sweatbox is at turns infuriating, hilarious and enlightening. You’ll cringe in sympathy with the Disney artists as you see the gross bureaucratic incompetence they had to endure while working at the studio in the 1990s. The film not only captures the tortured morphing of the Kingdom of the Sun into The Emperor’s New Groove, it also serves as an invaluable historical document about Disney’s animation operations in the late-1990s. If any questions remain about why Disney fizzled out creatively and surrendered its feature animation crown to Pixar and DreamWorks, this film will answer them
  • Supporters of Allers' original vision still feel that if he had been given the time, money and support that the film would have been a masterpiece. Instead of the more ambitious Kingdom of the Sun, the Disney Studio decides to go with a supposedly more commercial film incorporating some of the same characters and location, Emperor's New Groove.
  • Wade Sampson[2]

See also

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Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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