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The Life and Times of Juniper Lee

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The Life and Times of Juniper Lee (2005–2007), is an American animated television series. The series centers on the life of a preteen girl, named Juniper Lee. The magic and human worlds have been separated by a magical barrier, preventing ordinary humans from seeing any magic-related events or the creatures related to them. Juniper has recently been made the new Te Xuan Ze, which gives her the responsibility of maintaining the balance between the human and magic worlds. The show has a fairly campy take on the genre, and at times often makes fun of itself. Being a Te Xuan Ze is not easy for Juniper. She has to postpone what she likes doing the most just to save the world.

Season 1

[edit]

It's Your Party and I'll Whine If I Want To [1.1]

[edit]
Juniper Lee: Sorry we're late.
Jody Irwin: You're always late.
Juniper Lee: I know.
Juniper Lee: Your mother hired a clown?
Jody Irwin: It was the pony, the magician, or the clown.
Ophelia Ramírez: Ah, the lesser of three evils.
Ophelia Ramírez: One, there's no music. Two, if there was music, I wouldn't like it. Three, no.

I've Got My Mind on My Mummy and My Mummy on My Mind [1.2]

[edit]
Juniper: Ray-Ray.......what did you do?
Ray-Ray: What?
Juniper: What did you do?
Ray-Ray: Nothing.......
Juniper: Nothing? we've got 40 pounds of slug in our toilet.........what did you do?!
Cult: What's that?
Juniper: That’s my dog, and he’s showing us the way out. Ya ready to go bubba?
Cult: Sure!
Juniper: Good. 'Cause it’s go-time.

It Takes a Pillage [1.3]

[edit]
Mall Manager 1: See anything?
Mall Manager 2: We haven't had customers in eight months. Do ya think I see anything?
Mall Manager 1: We gotta advertise more.
Mall Manager 2: Or maybe we shouldn't have built a mall IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!! What are we, stupid?!
Jody is possessed by a Viking spirit
Jody Irwin: Give me the medallion, you milk-livered runt!
Juniper Lee: Runt?! I've got two inches on you!

New Trickster in Town [1.4]

[edit]
Thor: "ordering pity party of one please, your table is ready, tonight's special is an oven roasted fillet of poor me, served on a delightful bed of cry me a river."
Juniper: "Thanks for all your help. I hope we did not interrupt anything."
Thor: "Well, just book club. But it's ok,"...whispering: "I hadn't read it yet anyway, don't tell anybody."

Not in My Backyard [1.5]

[edit]
June: Ray-Ray, what did you do?
Ray Ray: (laughs) Relax. When I tell you, you're gonna laugh, I swear!
June: Ray Ray!
Ray Ray: Okay, you know those cyclone monkeys you got locked up in your room?
June: Yeah?
Ray Ray: Well, not so much locked up anymore.
(Ray Ray opens the door to show the cyclone monkeys loose, causing havoc)
June: Oh, man!
Ray Ray: It wasn't my fault! You should label those boxes you keep them in.
June: (picks up the box) It is labeled! "Cyclone Monkeys! Danger! DO NOT OPEN!!"
Ray Ray: You see, that's kinda vague.
Ray Ray: We should get a dog!
Barbara Lee: Ray Ray!
Michael Lee: You seem to have forgotten Monroe.
Barbara Lee: Yes, sweetie, we have a dog.
Ray Ray: (silently) I was hoping for one who didn't talk back so much.
(Barbara stares, Juniper kicks Ray Ray in the shin):
Ray Ray: Ow! Uh, I mean, Monroe is June's dog. I want one of my own.
Dennis: If he gets a dog, I'm getting a snake.
June: Yeah, well, if Dennis gets a snake, I wanna get my ears pierced again.
Michael Lee: Hey! No snakes, one set of holes in your ears is plenty, and we have a dog!
Ray Ray: If I get my grades up, then can I have a dog?
Barbara Lee: (pauses) What's wrong with your grades?
June: Smooth.
Ray Ray: Nothing! I just mean...going from the straight A's I'm getting to A-pluses! You know, kickin' out hardcore!
Michael Lee: Atta boy, Ray Ray! Glad to hear you're getting excited about learning.
(Ray Ray is tossing appliances, toys, and sporting goods in the Batoot's mouth)
Ray Ray: Yeah!
June: Ray Ray, stop that! He's a monster, not a landfill.

Enter Sandman [1.6]

[edit]
(June, Ray Ray, and Dennis are practicing their musical act for the school's talent show)
Juniper Lee: Hold on, hold on. Ahh! My guitar's out of tune.
Dennis: Trust me, Van Halen, it's not the guitar.
Juniper Lee: Hey, at least I can keep the beat. There's dead people who can keep time better than you.
Dennis: Oh, yeah? Well, Ray-Ray doesn't even know which song we're playing.
Ray Ray: Dude, I go where the music takes me. (he drums)
Juniper Lee: Come on. Tryouts for the talent show are tomorrow. Can we please try and get through one song?
Ray Ray: Dude! Roger is a musical genius!
Juniper Lee: Yeah, but look at Mr. Roskins. He hates everything.
Dennis: Oh, what do you care what some old geezer thinks.
Juniper Lee: He's the judge.
Dennis: So?
Juniper Lee: He decides which acts get in the show.
Dennis: So?
Juniper Lee: If he doesn't like us, we don't get in.
Dennis: In what?
Juniper Lee: I cannot believe we're related.
Ray Ray: We rule!
Juniper Lee: Hmph. That was weird.
Dennis: No, it's not. We got in off our reputation.
Juniper Lee: Reputation? Mom and Dad are the only ones who've heard us play, and they made us soundproof the basement! We stink!
Dennis: You stink. I carry both of your no-talent butts.
Juniper Lee: You play bass, Dennis. It's a miracle anyone even notices you.

Ding Dong, the Witch Ain't Dead [1.7]

[edit]
June: Please tell me this isn't happening. (bracelet rings) Oh. Okay, okay! I get it! It's happening!

I'll Get By with a Little Help from My Elf [1.8]

[edit]
Michael: You’re in big trouble, young lady.
Mrs. Gomez: June, I asked your parents here, because your report on the platypus. It was plagiarized. And in some cases, just plain wrong. The platypus did not discover America or ballroom dancing.
Barbara: June, how could you do this?
Michael: We're very disappointed in you.
Juniper Lee: But, it's not my fault.
Barbara: Mm-hmm. Who's fault is it then?
Juniper Lee: (Sighs) Nobody. It's just... well, I've been really busy and-
Michael: Well, you're about to get less busy, young lady! Because you're grounded!
(Cut to Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe in her room after she gets grounded)
Monroe: AAAAAH! You didn't think it was a wee bit suspicious he was helping you for absolutely no reason at all?!
Juniper Lee: He's a helper elf! He had a badge!
Monroe: (points to Ray-Ray) This one had a t-shirt that says "Rock Star", you don't see me asking for his autograph!
Ray Ray: That's 'cause it costs a dollar.
Juniper Lee: Oh, just what I need right now. Speed demons are freaking out. I'll be back in half and hour.
(Juniper tries to leave because she is grounded, but is stopped by Michael who is outside)
Michael: Going somewhere, young lady?
Juniper Lee: Oh, dad. No, no, no, I was just staring out the old me. Yep, it helps sometimes when the weather gets damp. I see there's a storm brewing-
Michael: Back inside.
Juniper Lee: Yes, sir. (Goes back inside and closes her window doors)
Monroe: Well, congratulations on being the first Te Xuan Ze forbidden to fight monsters by her parents.
Ray Ray: June, you can totally super jump over Dad.
Juniper Lee: No, Ray Ray.
Ray Ray: Or you could turn totally invisible. Or I'll turn totally invisible and we can make a huge flesh-eating zombie out of paper. Yeah! And then the two of us will distract Dad while you and Monroe conjure up screaming rhino with wings…
Juniper Lee: RAY RAY!!!
Ray Ray: Okay, no rhino, a zebra.
Juniper Lee: I'm not going anywhere. I'm grounded.
Monroe: I better call your grandmother.
Juniper Lee: No, no, no, no. You can't tell Ah-mah! It's to embarrassing.
Ray Ray: Show yourselves, evil creature!
Monroe: For the last time, boy, the Speed Demons are not evil. They’re just high-strung.
Ray Ray: Well, they better get un-stronger! They're gonna taste my boomerang of pain!
Monroe: That is a kitchen sponge.
Ray Ray: Jealous much? You can't hive forever, speed demon guys! Okay, seriously. Where are they?
Monroe: Whoa, there, lad, calm down now. Deep cleansing breaths. Tell us what's upsetting you.
Speed Demon: It was -- it was -- it was --
Monroe: Sound it out, me boy.
Speed Demon: A Levia -- a Levia -- a Levia --
Ray Ray: Dude, just spit it out!
Speed Demon: A Leviathan Frog!
Monroe: A Leviathan Frog? Oh, please! You over-caffeinated monkeys, that's ludicrous. A Leviathan Frog, indeed. In 600 years, there hasn’t been… (looks behind him) A LEVIATHAN FROG!!!
(He and Ray Ray retreat)
Michael: Hey, honey, just checking you to see if you're okay.
Juniper Lee: Well, yeah, just doing some homework.

The World According to L.A.R.P. [1.9]

[edit]
[June pours a chemical on the ripped scroll in a trash can]
Ray Ray: What's this supposed to do?
June: Well, it should retroactively conjure the ethereal energy of the room and visually unveil the unobservable mysteries that took place.
Ray Ray: Oh! Kind of like a camcorder?
June: Sorta.
[She pours more of the chemical which explodes, then she takes out a crystal which shows an image of the Pirados Demons coming in the room]
Monroe: Ugh! [sputters] Pirados Demons! No wonder the whole room smells like a gorilla's butt!
[The image disappears]
June: Come on! These guys busted into our house and shoplifted from my room. The Te Xuan Ze does not give five-finger discounts.

Magic Takes a Holiday [1.10]

[edit]
Ophelia: Okay, listen up, people, I'm makin' a few changes here. (Rolls out "Stalk the Rocksical" banner)
Ophelia: Terrence, Melissa.... You were cast as Jack and the Princess? Heh. Yeah, we've decided to go another way. Now you're the cow! (Melissa audibly gasps) Oh and MELISSA, take the BACK-half.
Melissa: Guh, you can't-!
Ophelia: Jody, YOU'RE the new princess. (Jody shrieks out with joy) Ray Ray, you're gonna be the goose.
Ophelia: (after Roger interrupts) Roger! For the tenth time, you are not in this scene.
Roger: But I've only got two lines at the end of the play. I just run out and scream, "Power to the beans! Power to the beans!"
Ophelia: And if you come in early one more time, I'm gonna cut it down to NO lines. Comprende? Bikers, you're killing me here. You're absolutely killing me. You're the vicious scourge of the road. Let me see some grip. And grim reaper, you're supposed to be the bringer of death. Hello?! When you come out on that stage, I want that audience DEAD. Get it? DEAD! (calmly) But I must say I think it was your best effort yet. Take five. BUT ONLY FIVE!
June: It's Edipan, you idiots. You're supposed to be on vacation!
Dimitri: I don't observe Edipan.
Hench-yeti: He's not crazy about Labor Day either.

Take My Life. Please [1.11]

[edit]
Ashley: Hey, that is such a cool shirt. It looks really cute on you!
Ray Ray: Dude. I am never taking this off.
Monroe: I hate to break it to ya, lad, but you never do. You're like Charlie Brown.
Juniper: I've got like 300 episodes of The Powerpuff Girls on tape and tons of other stuff to do and... [to the TV] Get 'em, Bubbles! [to Ah-Mah on the phone] I'll call you later, 'kay? Bye!

Meet the Parent [1.12]

[edit]
William: Ugh, everyone off to school? No beasties to battle? What am I supposed to do while they're off all day, sit around and watch you eat biscuits?
[Cut to them in the basement while Monroe reads and eats a biscuit]
Monroe: I'm allowed one a week.
William: And obviously, that diet's working out real well for you.
Ray Ray: I got the bait! [pulls out a gnome out of his backpack]
William: Brilliant job, laddie.
Monroe: Ray Ray, did you steal that off someone's front yard?
Ray Ray: Dude, look at this thing. I was doing him a favor. Plus, if the gnome doesn't work out, I got us backup. [pulls out a flamingo decor out of his backpack]

Monster Con [1.13]

[edit]
Ray Ray: Listen, listen, listen. We were in this bowling alley filled with elves, right? And nobody ever told me that elves were that allergic to fried foods. And it was around this time that I gave all these elves french fries!
[He and the monsters laugh]
Green Monster: Hey, Ronnie, come here! You gotta listen to this kid!
Orange Monster: [laughs] Is that when the cyclone monkeys got out?
Ray Ray: No, no, no. That was right before we got us a batoot who ate half the house and all our toilets! What's with you guys and eating toilets?!
[the monsters laugh again]
June: What a crock! I wasn't even nominated for best newcomer. Oh, man, or best use of banishment spells! I live off of banishment spells!
Monroe: Hey, you don't hear me complaining about not getting nominated for best anthropomorphic animal advisor.
Ray Ray: Monroe, who are these guys?
Monroe: They are a group called H.A.M. -- Humans for the Abolishment of Magic. They are human beings who wish to rid the world of magic. They are very bad people.

Season 2

[edit]

It's the Great Pumpkin, Juniper Lee [2.1]

[edit]
Ray Ray: Dude, what's with the skirt?
Monroe: [insulted] For the last time, boy, it's not a skirt! It's a kilt! Nor is it a costume! I happen to be chilly! Now let's be done with this senseless ritual so I can go home already!
Ray Ray: Dude, we haven't even hit our stride.
Vikki Devyne: You must be Juniper. What brings you here?
June: Uh, we've got a problem with the monster kids in Orchid Bay. It seems you, um, cut a deal with…
Vikki Devyne: Oh, right, the Thompson boy. Nice kid. Didn't want to be a monster. I love to help people, I'm a real people person. It's really all about love. [speaks into her intercom headset] Bobby, where's my protein shake?! If it's not in here by the time I finish this sentence, you're fired! You're fired, fired! BRING ME MY SHAKE, AND NO BANANA!!!!
June: Yeah, it's just that… Well, you turned all monster children in Orchid Bay into humans, and not just Evan Thompson.
Vikki Devyne: Listen, sweetheart, I broke our packages. If I change one monster, I gotta change 'em all. It's an all-or-nothing deal. The kid initialed the contract.
June: Oh, come on. He didn't know what he was doing. And now the natural balance of the world is all screwy and I have to fix it, so if you could see it in your heart…
Vikki Devyne: Listen, sweetheart, You seem like a nice kid and I'd really really like to help, but my hands are tired, and by that, I mean I don't want to! I work deals here, okay? If you had something I wanted, then maybe we'd be having a conversation.
June: Well, what do you need?
[Bobby comes in with Vikki's protein shake as she tastes it, but spits it in disgust]
Vikki Devyne: For starters, a protein shake that doesn't taste like an elephant's butt! AND I SAID NO BANANA!!!! [disintegrates Bobby] There was a glorious protein shake that I used to get when I was just a little assistant agent demon in the underworld land of Quegara. I woulda taste that again.
June: Alright, I'll get it for you. If I do, will you turn the monster kids back?
Vikki Devyne: You got yourself a deal, sweetheart, but the offer expires at midnight. After that, the spell will be too powerful to overturn and those kids will be human forever.
June: [as they shake hands] Capeesh!

Oh Brother, What Art Thou? [2.2]

[edit]
Ray Ray: ...And "Pow"!
Juniper: Oh, look - you can't pow if you don't have any powers! (Ray Ray's about to interrupt) Nugh. Uh-uh. Shoving 45 grapes into your mouth doe not count as a power.
Ray Ray:...and two up my nose! Aw, c'mon, June, you gotta give me more game-time! It's like you're President, and I'm the VP, and when you croak, I gotta be ready to hit the field.
Juniper: Good to hear you're so anxiously awaiting my demise.
Ray Ray: Mom, can I have a credit card?
Barbara: No.
Ray Ray: ATM?
Barbara: No. (pause) No!
Ray Ray: Library card?
(Beat)
Barbara: Glad to see you take an interest in reading!
Ray Ray: Knowledge is power, toots!
Barbara: ...What did you call me?
Ray Ray: I love you!
Monroe: what's the Orch of Drakaron for?
Juniper: Well, goblins use it to transport stuff back and forth, so it should work switching his brain. ...(scratches head)... Right?
Monroe: Eh, it's worth a shot.
Ray Ray: Worth? A shot? This is my melon you're playin' all fast and loose with!
Monroe: True, it wouldn't be the greatest loss.
Juniper: ...Hey, don't worry, (patting on Ray Rays snout) I know what I'm doing. (Points the stone)
Ray Ray: (whispering) Other way, lass...
Juniper: ...Oh. Yeah.
(Ray Ray falls down after his mind being transferred to a new body)
Juniper: Ray Ray! Ray Ray! Are you alright? Say something!
Ray Ray: (wakes up) ...I'm starving! Man, what a ride! Let's do that again!
Monroe: I'd say his brain is workin' at full capacity.
Juniper: Augh. (June hugs him, then hits him lightly) Now stay out of my room!
Ray Ray: Ow! Okay, already!... Do I look taller? I feel taller!
(Ray Ray tries to hide his big hands in the sink and splashes everywhere with them)
Ray Ray: Hi guys, didn't hear you coming.
Juniper: Mmmm. Listen Ray Ray, I kind of feel bad about snapping it before, so... here (invites him an ice cream)
(Ray Ray tries to not show Juniper his huge hands)
Ray Ray: Emmmm no. thanks. Really wanna get this dishes done.
(suspiciously)
Juniper: Are you feeling okay?
(After Juniper leaves Ray Ray takes his hands out of the sink)
Ray Ray: Ahh. Big hands comes big responsibilities...and no ice cream. (Looking at his wet hands) Whoa! I have to moisturize this puppies.

The Great Escape [2.3]

[edit]
Dennis: (to the camels) Yo, ugly! One hump or two? Ha, ha, ha!
Juniper: Are you the zookeeper?
Gigi: (in disguise) No, I'm a creepy old man who lives with animals and likes the smell of dung.
(Pause, June gives him a look)
Gigi: YES, I'm the zookeeper!
Ray Ray: (to Monroe) You froze my mom!
Monroe: Aye.
Ray Ray: Dude, do you know how many times that would of saved my butt?!
Monroe: As much as I love a conversation about your posterior, I'd got to get going, you stay here and make sure your mother doesn't defrost.
Ray Ray: Hey, how'd you know I was trackin' you dude? 'Cuz I was makin' with the whole ninja-following thing....
Monroe: Well, Your Stealthiness, it's hard to pin-point the exact security breach, it could have been when you ran into that trash can, stopped to order a chocolate shake at Mountain Burger Queen drive-thru or started making that ridiculous noise you with your straw!
Ray Ray: What this? (makes noise with the straw) I thought it sounded like a owl.
Juniper: I hear you need protection. What have you got?
Captive: How about some Belgian Chocolate?
(Juniper slams a food tray into T-Bone's face, knocking him out)
Juniper: ANYONE ELSE WANT SOME OF THIS?!
Micheal: (walks up to a frozen Barbara) Honey, which do you like better, the red tie, or the blue tie? (she is frozen pointing) You're right, red is power.
Ray Ray: (to Juniper) Whoa! You are one ugly monkey. Ha, ha, ha!
Juniper: Helloo-oo, I'm a lemur, tree-dwelling prosimian from Madagascar! Big difference.
Ray Ray: Woohoo, prison break! They'll never take us alive!
Monroe: Why do you always say that? I prefer to be taken alive.
Ray Ray: Ladies and gentlemen, Please proceed to the exit in an orderly fashion... AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

MOVE YOUR FURRY BUTT! GO! GO! GO!

(Juniper's Mom gets frozen again)
Juniper: Monroe!
Monroe: He grabbed it from me.
(Ray Ray chuckles)

Picture Day [2.4]

[edit]
(After Juniper sees her mother hid the pimple with the foundation)
Barbara: Done.
Juniper: (examines her face in the mirror) ...Ohh... My hair's too straight and I have a flat nose.
Barbara: You are so pretty! You're unique, there's nobody else like you in the world!
Juniper: Yeah. Lucky for the world.
Jody: Ophelia, you shouldn't drink iced tea. It'll stain your teeth!
Ophelia: Yeah, exactly.
Juniper: But don't you wanna look nice for your parents?
Ophelia: If I did, would I do this to my hair? ...Oh by the way Jody, you got spinach in your teeth.
Jody: Impossible! I avoided it for months! (runs away holding hand over teeth)
Juniper: Too cruel Ophelia.
Ophelia: So? I'm ruining picture day. It's just companies preying on parental vanity, schnookering them into buying a million eight-by-tens and wallet-sizes.... Capitalism! Bleugh. What would our forefathers say if they saw us today?
(Ray Ray appears in a disguise of Abraham Lincoln)'
Ray Ray: Give me liberty or give me death!
Gym Teacher: Not another word.
Ray Ray: Come on, at least i went for a historical look? I could have won a gorilla suit? I was trying to work with yet!?
Hench-Demon: (disguised as a human photographer) Take off the hat, dearie.
Roger: Uh, my lid is kinda my signature.
Gym Teacher: She said lose it jester. (Roger has a pained look and takes his hat off, revealing an afro)
Hench-Demon: Aaalright, put it back on.
Roger: I can't without help.
(Roger bumps into the waiting line Ophelia's iced tea is spilled on June, her pimple shows up again from under the foundation)
Juniper: Ugh... Oh no... My pimple! I can't take a picture looking like this!
Jody: Don't worry! I got your back. (Jody reveals a make-up case and tries to cover up June's pimple)...You're not exactly my color. (June's face looks pale)
Ophelia: (brightly) I like it! It's very "Night of the Living Dead".
Gym Teacher: End of the line, girls.
Juniper: Oh, please, I can't take a picture looking like this!
Gym Teacher: Then, you can do retakes with honest Abe. (points at Ray Ray)
Juniper: Uh... the school bus is that way?
Ophelia clone: Uh, haha, um. My mom is giving us a lift. (they turn to leave)
Juniper: Oh wait, we have to wait for Ray Ray.
Jody clone: Ray Ray?
Ophelia clone: Which one's Ray Ray?
Roger clone: Uhh; is that the dog? (June looks at them, surprised, then suspicious)
Jody clone: Oh, forget this! (freezes June with a spell)
Roger clone: Can you travel back in time?
Juniper: ( in a cage) Well, I can't do anything from in here.
Roger clone: Oh right. (the Roger clone lets her out)
Juniper: Thaaanks!
Jody clone: Nice one, Roge.
Ophelia clone: What just happened?
Monroe: Lass! Fancy another magic lesson?
Evil Juniper: Sorry, I'm evil. Ask Ray Ray.
Ophelia: (looks at her clone as she walks by) Poser.

Star Quality [2.5]

[edit]
Monroe: Don't worry, lass, other than being locked in a cage and suspended above a flaming pit of lava we're good!
Ray Ray: June, you've got to get us out of here I have a conference call in 20 minutes and there's no cell phone reception here!

There's No Mitzvah Like Snow Mitzvah [2.6]

[edit]
June: No offense, Jody, but every time we come to one of your family things, your mom makes us work.
Jody: That is so not true.
Ophelia: Oh, yeah? Well, what about your bother's last birthday party?
(A flashback of Jody's brother's previous birthday party shows June, Ophelia and Roger dressed as the Three Bears to entertain kids)
June: Somebody's been eating my porridge.
Ophelia: Somebody's been eating my porridge.
Roger: Somebody's been eating my porridge, and they ate it-- (An ice cream cone gets thrown at his face) All right, McIntyre, you wanna piece of this?! You want some?! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Proceeds to beat him offscreen)
(The flashback ends)
Jody: No, no, no. It's not gonna be like that. (June, Ophelia and Roger give her a look) Okay, it's gonna be exactly like that. Except this time, she wants The Wizard of Oz.
Roger: No way! I am not playing Dorothy again!
Ophelia: Come on, Roge, admit it. You love those red shoes.
Roger: Did not! (Beat) Okay, maybe a little. Having a sense of fashion isn't a crime, you know.
June: What is that?
Ophelia: That is a Cowardly Lion made of chopped liver.
June: Ew.
Ophelia: Yeah, classy. It's like a royal wedding in here, isn't it?

Bada Bing Bada Boomfist [2.7]

[edit]
Boomfist: Remember kids, when there is trouble always, use your fist.
Ray Ray: Always use your fist!
Juniper: What? That's a horrible message for kids.
(Wrongness applying for a job at Java Hut)
Java Hut employee: Do you have any personal references... You know, someone I can talk to?
Wrongness: Uh... Yes! Uh, the Intergalactic Federation of Evil!... Ohh, no, I'm kind of on the outs with them. Oh, oh! There's Doctor, Termino, no-no wait. I tried to, destroy him... Uh... No. No references.
Java Hut employee: (Sighs) Look, Carol.... you have no skills, you don't even have a home phone! Give me one reason to hire you.
Wrongness:...I can shoot lasers out of my eyes.
(Cut to Wrongness heating up coffee as an employee)
Juniper: So his message to kids is "always use your fists" and "milk is bad for you?"
Ray Ray: Why do you think mom work let me watch his shows?
Boomfist: Also, "don't go to school; hang out with your friends, or better yet, gangs" and "don't listen to your parents; they old and feeble."
(long pause)
Juniper: You sure we got the good guy?
Wrongness: Wrongness must use toilet.

Adventures in Babysitting [2.8]

[edit]
Younger Ray Ray: (to Ah-Mah) Can I have a cookie?
Ah-Mah: Yeah, let's give you sugar, it'll be like throwing a bucket of gasoline on a grease fire.
Younger Ray Ray: Mommy says: Mon-roe, come-on! You can not go poopy in the house! That's are the rules! No poopy in the pants, no poopy on the floor! No poopy in the flowerpot. (Leans closer to Monroe) Mommy gets way ticked about the flowerpot. (crosses arms) Trust me.
(Demons step into the foyer)
Younger Ray Ray: GIANT MONKEYS!!!
Ah-Mah: I don't think the questions is why Ray Ray doesn't have any other powers...(leans down to look at Ray Ray)... I think the question is why Ray Ray doesn't have any other powers... yet.

June's Egg-cellent Adventure: Juniper Lee Meets the Easter Bunny [2.9]

[edit]
Monroe: (after Ray Ray eats pieces of Sweetland's nature) Not everything is made of candy. You just ate a tree, leaves and dirt.
Juniper: (yelling) IT'S NOT A DATE!!
Monroe: (after William sent a message) What's it say?
Rabbit: (reading) Well it says, oh my. It's a poem entitled, My name is Monroe, I'm a fat fatty, I can't see my feet. All I loves to do is eat, eat, eat. (to Monroe) and eat, eat, eat was underlined 3 times.
Monroe: (grabs the letter and gets angry) Rabbits, prepare for WAR!!!

I've Got You Under My Skin [2.10]

[edit]
Juniper: (pounding on the bathroom door) Dennis! C'mon! You said you'd be done in 5 minutes, it's been 15, I need to take a shower!
Dennis: (heard inside the bathroom; groans) Get lost, dweeb! ...I'm shaving.
Juniper: Ugh please, I have more mustache than you do. (Dennis opens the door and puts his head through, his chin and cheeks are covered in foam)
Dennis: You said it, not me! (he wipes foam under June's nose and goes back in the bathroom, laughing, June wipes the foam off her lip)
Juniper: Mom?...is that you...
Barbara: Yes, honey?
Juniper: I'm not feelin' very good...
Barbara: Oh... not buying it. Get up!
Juniper: Ugh. Was it that obvious?!
Barbara: Oh, please, at least when your brother plays being sick, he fakes throwing up.
Ray Ray (June): My name's June, and my brother Ray Ray's a rock-star!
Jody: Uh, we're fine?
Ray Ray (June): Hey, tell me something and be honest. Does my hair look extra bouncy today? Cuz seriously, watch this! (bounces her hair)
Ophelia: Okay, who are you and what did you do with Juniper Lee?
Monroe (Ray Ray): Oooh nothing. She's just real excited (clears up throat and does American accent) She's just real excited because she- used a new conditioner. What a dweeb, eh? (Ray Ray snorts and him and Monroe start to laugh)
Monroe (Ray Ray): My name's Ray Ray Lee and I'm a complete idiot.
Monroe (Ray Ray): Can you keep the big fella on the run for a wee bit without getting caught?
Ray Ray (June): What? You kiddin'? With legs this long I can outrun a greyhound!
Monroe (Ray Ray): Then off you go! Run like the wind!
(after the spell doesn't work right and June and Ray Ray are transformed into copies of Monroe and scream)
Monroe: Look at ya! You're GORGEOUS! It's like Monroe.... in stereo!
Ray Ray: Lemme see that stone! No way I'm staying like this for- hey, wait a minute.... I've got a tail!

Welcome Bat Otter [2.11]

[edit]
Mylock the Destroyer: Thank you. The situation...
Monster: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs through the screen)
Mylok the Destroyer: The situation is like that.
Juniper: (Comparing notes on Bat Otters) Okay... They range in size from three inches to four thousand feet tall, they're hairy and bald, have either wings, horns, horned wings, or winged horns, but the one thing everyone could agree on is... nothing.
Ray Ray: Are you saying the TV lies? Never!
Skeeter: (Edited Ray Ray on TV) I'm Ray Ray Lee, and I love Bat Otters, they're cool!
Ray Ray: Hey, I never said that... or did I?
Monroe: And do you think you can to defeat them alone?
Ray Ray: No, but I can hide under the bed like a girl.
Monroe: What kind of moron will fear something they've never seen?
(Ray Ray runs inside the room)
Ray Ray: Here come the Bat Otters!
Juniper: We'll need a bigger cave.
Juniper: What proof do you have that bat otters exist?
Skeeter: What proof do you have they don't exist?

Dog Show Afternoon [2.12]

[edit]
Ray Ray: Man, what's with all the shoes? You're just going to space camp for a week, not a light year.
Juniper: Are you serious? I need two pairs for active wear, three pairs for classroom activities, three pairs formal, two pairs sensible, and two.. Oh, man. What if we go hiking? All right, what do you think? The boots or the cross trainers?
Ray Ray: Those are the boots that the blubber troll ate and we had to fish out of his poop.
Juniper: Oh, ick. Cross trainers.
Monroe: Oh, look, it's a cute little rabbit, why hello there you wee creature, did you went to look carrots?
Juniper: Yes, cute (pause)...and also sporting an extra pair of legs.
(The rabbit see its own extra legs)
Bombat: Oh man.
(The rabbit transforms into the bombat)
Bombat: I'm out of practice.
(after seeing his competition of over-groomed, over-worked over-cute dogs)
Monroe: Somebody just kill me.
Jasmine: It is the way it has always been.
Juniper: That’s impossible! (hits the barrier again, with full force)
Jasmine: The Te Xuan Ze can never leave Orchid Bay. This is the way it has always been.
Juniper: But... Ah-mah. I didn't choose to do this.
Jasmine: None of us did.

Dream Date [2.13]

[edit]
(a huge sign announcing SCHOOL DANCE THIS FRIDAY NIGHT)
Ophelia: (disgusted) Ugh, a school dance? Oh, the gym will be packed, the fashions will be vile and hello, the music will be nauseating.
Roger: Yeah. (looks down hopefully) You wanna go with me?
Ophelia: I'd sooner shave my head and eat a bucket of cockroaches.
Roger: So is that a yes or a maybe?
Ophelia: Idiot!
Roger: (excited) Ooh yeah, that's a maybe!
Jody: I've got some bad news for you!
Juniper: Oh... ...what is it?
Jody: Marcus isn't going to ask you to the dance.
Juniper: Oh, oh man, are you sure?
Jody: Yes. He asked somebody else.
Juniper: Who?
Jody: (thinking)... Me.
Juniper: What?
Jody: I know.
Juniper: What?!?
Jody: I know!
Juniper: Huh, what do you mean he asked you? Why's he asking you? You said he was gonna ask me and now he's asking you? How did that happen? What did you say?
Jody: Well, I pretty much just ran away, but I think I said yes 'cus he already left the message about what time we're gonna meet!
Juniper: Oh, this can't be happening. Why didn't you just say no?
Jody: I panicked! If I didn't say yes, he would have asked Melissa! She was circling us like a vulture the entire time! She was ready to pounce.
Ophelia: The girl's like a starving dog at a raw meat buffet.
Juniper: Augh... Great. My social life is officially dead.
Roger: (smiling) 'Cept! ... Jody's got a plan.
Ophelia: (Smiling and nudging at Jody) Tell her about the plan!
Jody: Okay... Here's the deal. But once where there, I act really, really mean and dumb! And you step in, take my place and ta-daa! ... Everybody's happy.
Ophelia: Good, huh? Veerry devious. I've never been so proud. (Beaming with pride)
Roger: Yeah, Jody can be as mean as Ophelia.
Ophelia: Hey! (smiling with pride)...Alright, who am I kidding, it's true.
Jody: But, if Marcus can make it pass my breath, I'm gonna take this egg salad sandwich and start chompin' it down like a coyote.
Juniper: Uh, that's kinda gross.
Jody: I know! It's perfect!

Season 3

[edit]

Party Monsters [3.1]

[edit]
Jasmine: Do as your Ah-mah says and leave it be. No cakes, no parties, no way, no-how! Got it?
Juniper: I, uh... kinda wish you'd told us a little bit sooner. (door flinging open) SURPRISE!
Jasmine: I'm gonna sell the both of you to warlocks.
Juniper: (pushing her grandma) Ugh! C'mon, aunt Lilly and aunt Rose were asking for you all day!
Jasmine: Oh, no... I can't see my sisters, not today. They make me feel old, and fat.
Lily and Rose: Jasmii-ine!
(beat)
Lily: (happily) You're so old.
Rose: (disappointed) And fat! Look at your butt...
Lily: ...Lot a junk in the trunk!
Rose and Lilly: [both laugh at her]
[Jasmine sigh]
(Uncle Eddy is drinking ginger ale in the basement with Roger sitting next to him)
Roger: Can I get a sip of that?
(Uncle Eddy breathes fire on Roger's costume with his nostrils and goes back to drinking his ginger ale)
Roger: Killer pyrotechnics!

Who's Your Daddy? [3.2]

[edit]
Jody: New boy at school! New boy at school! [very fast and excited] He just moved here from Walnut Grove, [runs up to Roger] he lives on Devonshire Drive, [runs up to Ray Ray] his eyes are green, his favorite color is blue, [to Ophelia] he likes a light breakfast, usually toast and occasionally cereal with a sliced banana. [breathes] And he's really cute! Crazy cute! So cute you gotta go home and change your outfit cute! ...Which I did, twice.
Ophelia: This boy got a name?
Jody: [sighs dreamily] Taylor Evermore.
Ophelia: He's not so great.
Taylor: [while passing by] Hey, cool hair.
[Ophelia giggles]
Loki: If supergirl thinks a little something like BANISHMENT is gonna keep "The King of Lies" down, she's got a whole 'nother thing comin' babe! All daddy needs to skip-outta this joint, is another high-ranking magical being to take my place in this cell! And thanks to the fact that you inherited my devastating good looks, Juniper Lee's never gonna see our little scheme coming! NEVER! Remember, once you get her on desecrated grounds, give her the enchanted charm. THEN BING, BANG, BOOM! She is the one in the cage and the Big Man is out the world again! Think about it, kid. You and me, hittin' the open road, spreadin' terror and chaos! Hey! Maybe we could see Mt. Rushmore, hmm?
Taylor: Yeah, I guess, but she seems, pretty cool.
'Loki: Cool? Who's cool?
Taylor: Juniper.
Loki: Whoa! Hold the phone, what did you just say cool? COOL?! ARE YOU OFF YOUR NUT?!
Taylor: Look, dad, I'm just saying that-
Loki: That you've got a "thing" for the chick, who banished your father to the Netherworld?! I am so glad your mother's not around to hear you say that!
Taylor: 'Cause you banished her!
Loki: And I will banish you, too, young man if you don't watch your mouth! I am the one who brought you into the third-dimension, and I can take you out!
Taylor: Right! Like you did to Uncle Teddy, Aunt Gloria, the pizza guy!
Loki: When I order a half-veggie, half-pepperoni pan pizza, I expect to get a half-veggie, half-pepperoni pan pizza! Okay we have one mission to accomplish in Orchid Bay city. One, and you will not be distracted by some superhero in a bellyshirt! Do you understand me, mister!? Do you?!
Taylor: [reluctantly] Yes, sir.
Taylor: So uh, how come you're holding back?
Juniper: What are you talking about?
Taylor: Oh, looks like you're letting that girl win.
Juniper: [nervously] No I'm not, besides this whole fitness competition's kind of lame anyway, who cares right?
Taylor: [sarcastically] Right, [not sarcastically] it's just that, um, well you're way better than anybody else around here. Especially those girls...
Juniper: You think? [smiles at him]
Taylor: Oh, yeah! Seems kind of wrong to let them represent our school in the finals, it'd be nice if we had somebody, you know, someone who's a better "rson. (looks at June)
Gym Teacher: JUNIPER LEE! Second and final kick!
Juniper: Oh, gotta go!
Juniper: Ophelia, you're not even trying.
Ophelia: Duh.
Juniper: You're gonna let Mellisa O'Malley and her evil minions beat us?
Ophelia: Wait, wait, wait. You wanna win this thing purely out of spite?
Juniper: Yeah.
Ophelia: Works for me. [starts doing faster pull-ups]
Juniper: [laughing] You actually saw Melissa putting on lip gloss during the 50-yard dash?
Taylor: [also laughing] And, in the middle of her long jump!
[Both laugh harder]
Monroe: Pardon me lass, but wouldn't actually be trying to win this thing, would ya?!
Juniper: And what if I am?
Monroe: Have you completely lost your senses?! You're the Te Xuan Ze for pity's sake! Not only is that an unfair advantage, but you're attracting too much attention.
Juniper: Oh please, I am totally working under the radar here. Bit by bit I am carefully, carefully, edging out the competition.
Jody: June! You just did 173 pull-ups! That's a new international record!
Monroe: You're beating everyone like rugs, knock it off!
Juniper: Fine! Buzz kill.
Taylor: June.
Juniper: Oh, uh, hey Taylor!
Taylor: Ready to kick butt out there?
Juniper: I don't know, a lot of these kids here seem pretty good.
Taylor: [shows her the charm necklace] Maybe, this'll bring you some extra luck.
Juniper: Wow, that's so nice of you! [sees Marcus watching them] But sorry I can't, I'm uh, allergic to silver! Yeah, I get hives! Big nasty hives! (Taylor looks at her up and down)
Taylor: This is made of brass.
Juniper: Oh, uh, brass even worse! I get the hives plus you know, uh blindness! But um, uh thanks though, really.
Loki: [appears beside Taylor] What is taking so long? [takes a bite out of a taco]
Taylor: She wouldn't take the charm.
Loki: [he spits out his food after hearing this] I knew it! I knew it! You came on too strong and blew it, didn't you?!
Taylor: Dad, dad, chill okay? I'm not through yet. [cut to award table, Taylor enchants the medals using the charm]
Loki: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Loki appears beside Taylor as a floating head] Don't enchant ALL of the medals, okay? I'll be up to my neck in brats I am not running a day care center down here!
Taylor: The charm only transports "magical" beings, dad! Remember?! Duh! [he walks away]
Loki: Duh?! You will watch your tone with me kiddo, I did not raise-! [gets hit with a volley ball] Hey, I am floating here!
Juniper: What does a girl have to lose around here?
Taylor: [after June didn't win a medal that will transport her to the underworld] I am SO gonna get banished for this.
Loki: [laughing] Well, well, well. Looks like my little boy's brought a friend home for dinner! Bring her to me, now!
Taylor: Dad, listen, maybe there's another way.
Loki: Taylor Valhalla Evermore, did you just say what I think you said?!
Taylor: Seriously, dad she's smart, she's funny, she plays guitar, she's totally wicked on a skateboard! ...I like her.
Loki: [under his breath] Of all the stupid, excuse me, do you not want to rule the world?! Hmm? Everyone who wants to rule the world raise your hand! Mine's up! [threatening Taylor] What about yours?
Taylor: Go ahead, ground me for all I care! It's not like I ever do anything! Or have any friends! Nobody wants to hang out with you when your dad's the creepy, Dark-Lord of Deception! [mockingly] Ooh, I'm the evil tyrant of the underworld, and I'm so bad, I breathe fire, and I have the body of a snake, ooh fear me, ooh. [Loki hits Taylor with a lightning bolt] AUGH! Uh...
Loki: Yes son, snake body and lightning that shoots from my hand.
Taylor: [shoots a lightning bolt at Loki] Leave her alone!!!
Juniper: [starts to wake up] Uh, Taylor? [sees him shooting lightning bolts, thinking they're aimed at her] Oh, Marcus was right about you! [comes at Taylor, intending to punch him]
Taylor: It's not what you think! [dodges Juniper's blow] Please June, stop. [dodges yet another blow] You gotta let me explain!
Juniper: Oh sure, go ahead, tell me the whole sad story while I'm plastering you all over this cave like wallpaper!
Loki: Don't let her trash talk ya like that! Get her, son!
Juniper: Loki? You're Loki's son?
Taylor: Kind of.
Juniper: Kind of? So you're not the spawn of captain evil over here?
Taylor: Well I...
Juniper: You haven't kidnapped me and popped me down to the underworld?
Taylor: Yes, but I...
Juniper: Or was just throwing lightning volts at me, and acting all nice like you liked me trying to give me presents? (Loki is getting bored of listening to them and starts opening and closing his hand like a mouth) No, you're just the son of the big honking demon god of lies!
Loki: Oh, enough already!
Loki: [getting out of his cage] Ahh, never send a boy to do a man's job.
Juniper: Yeah, you're right. [gets ready to fight] Ya shoulda sent a girl.
Loki: [after Taylor locks him up in the cage] Taylor, son, I know I haven't always been the best of fathers but I'm ready to change all that. I want us to be closer, buddies, pals, amigos. Hey I know, whaddya say we go outside, throw the football around for awhile, maybe cook up some burgers!
Taylor: Give it up, old man. [breaks the cage's chains, on the way down to the void he says goodbye] See ya, June.
Loki: That does it! No television for a century mister!!! [falls into the void]
Jody: Hey June, did you see where Taylor went after the meet? He just kind of, disappeared.
Juniper: Um, yeah, he had to go out of town. I think his dad got... transfered.
Ophelia: Wow, that was fast.
Marcus: Not fast enough, that guy was evil.
Juniper: Yeah well, maybe not entirely.
Jody: He was really cute!
Juniper: [laughing] Yeah, so cute!
Ophelia: Major cute!
Juniper: Crazy cute! [sees Marcus wilt at this]..But, you're way cuter! (Both smile, then realize what June just said [pause] Okay, gotta go!
Marcus: Yeah, me too! [Both look back at each other and disappear off-screen at the same time]
Loki: And from now on we're going to have some ground rules! Because as long as long as you're living under MY roof, you are going to do as I say!
Taylor: I'm not under your roof dad, I'm on top of it! [jumps off the cage and starts to do the backstroke away from it]
Loki: Where do you think you're going?! Hey, don't you float away from me, mister man! We are not done talking yet! Void or no void, you've got a curfew! [Taylor kicks his legs with his hands behind his head away from the cage] Have your butt home by eleven!

Water We Fighting For? [3.3]

[edit]
Jody: [walks by] Hey Dennis!
Dennis: [leans on the grill and tries to look cool] Hey. [the burgers on the grill topple over and land on Roger, seagulls peck at his face]
Roger: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Monroe: [after seeing Ophelia protest] She's not making a lick of sense.
Ray Ray: Who cares?! It's buying us time, isn't it?!
Jody: [on the computer] I can't find anything on burping snails....They must be really rare!
Juniper: All the people in Orchid Bay city will drown.
King Agatorius: We all have to make sacrifices. [Juniper starts to take the triton away from him, when he won't give it up, they start to fight]...Wait, what am I doing? I have people for this. [whistles in a hench-monster]
Juniper: What the heck is a Burping Snail?
Monroe: Don't ask.

Feets Too Big [3.4]

[edit]
Barbara: Dennis, put that away, we didn't come camping with Roger's parents just so you could play video games the whole time.
Dennis: Mo-om! Nature doesn't have 12 levels of flesh-eating zombies! Eugh! ...such a waste of space. Right here could be a mini-mall... or at least a taco stand. (a squirrel throws it's plaything at him) Ow! Oh man!
Dennis: (eating dried food) This tastes like feet.
Barbara: Oh, stop complaining.
Mrs. Radcliffe: I didn't really like that store-bought dried food, so I made my own. (puts water on trays, a huge turkey dinner appears from it) I just hope the stuffing isn't too dry.
Dennis: Whoa. (starts to go over, Barbara stops him)
Barbara: Don't even think about it. Just go get some firewood, we'll roast hotdogs.
Roger: Y'know what the best part of campin', I mean, besides covering yourself in mud?
Ray Ray: Augh, can't imagine what's better!
Roger: (whispering) Goin' to the bathroom... OUTSIDE.
Ray Ray: ...I stand corrected!
Roger: Oh yeah, nothing says nature like going outside! Nature's big gigantic restroom! (both laughing)
Juniper: (lands next to Monroe)...What are they doing?
Monroe: They're running for president, what does it look like they're doing!? (Roger and Ray Ray are playing in the mud and fill their pants with more)
Juniper: Oh...(laughing) Ray Ray, get over here! (giggling) Oh boy, mom's gonna kill ya.
Ray Ray: What? Old ladies pay a hundred bucks a pop for the mud-bath-thingies. And I can't blame 'em! I feel AWESOME! It's good for the skin, it's good for the pores, it's GREAT for the arm-pits! Smell my pits. Go on. It's like a babblin' brook in there, right?
Monroe: Don't point that at me.
Dennis: (gathering firewood) I'll bet that turkey doesn't taste like feet. (a shadow comes over him, he sees it's a sasquatch, it roars) AHHHHHHHH!!!! (cut to their campsite)
Michael: There it is again.
Mr. Radcliffe: No, it's a different animal, but no less cowardly. (Dennis comes running and screaming out of the woods, and jumps into Mr. Radcliffe's arms)
Michael: Dennis! Son! What's wrong?
Mr. Radcliffe: (starts breathing in and out) Deep breaths kiddo, c'mon, and try to maintain bladder control.
Michael: Son what are you screaming about? (Dennis points to the bigfoot and screams, Michael and Mr. Radcliffe scream too)
Ray Ray: (about his trunks) Seriously, it's like a landfill in here! ...I'm gonna take 'em off. (screaming is heard as he is about to) Alright! I won't take 'em off! Geesh!
Bigfoot: Um... Richie we got some people out here with Chief Business.
Richie: Okay, but I'm not the Chief.
Bigfoot: Sure you are dude that's what the sign says.
Richie: What sign? Wow! Holly Mac role I'm the chief! When did this happen?
Bigfoot: When did what happen
Richie: When was I elected Chief
Bigfoot: You're the Chief? Hey congratulations man, that's great!
Richie: What's great?
Bigfoot: Sorry?
Juniper: Look one of your tribesmen took off with my parents
Richie: Somebody should tell the Chief.
Juniper: You're the Chief!
Bigfoot: You're the Chief? Hey, congratulations man, that's great!
Richie: What's great? (Monroe blasts them with a wand)
Juniper: Monroe!
Monroe: Sorry lass, they're just driving me bonkers.
Bigfoot: What's great is you're the chief!
Richie: I'm the chief?
Bigfoot: You're the chief? Hey congratulations man, that's great! (Ray Ray blasts them with the wand)
Juniper: Monroe!
Ray Ray: Sorry, that was me.
Lila: (about movies) And why do they always gotta blow everything up?!
Lila: I'm not really magical I'm just a dumb animal, and all animals can see magical beings.
Charlie Paulsen: Everybody comfy?
Dennis: (hanging upside down) No.
Monroe: Lad, what are you doing?!
Ray Ray: (carrying some baby lion cubs) I'm savin' the kittens!
Lila: (happy) Oh, look at me.
Monroe: (to Ray Ray) You like the Bigfoot girl, don't you?
Lila: You ever dress 50 sasquatches who haven't bathed for a whole winter? It's not exactly a picnic.
Lila: We better hurry though, it's gonna drop like, 20 degrees when the sun goes down, and I don't think your parents are dressed for it.
Ray Ray: Ya sure ya wanna do this, Lila?
Lila: Yeah, I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life.
Juniper: Okay well, this is an exfoliax charm, it'll get rid of all the uh...extra hair.
Monroe: Alright, all ready. (performs the spell, everybody looks surprised)
Lila: How do I look?
Juniper: (hands Lila a mirror) See for yourself. (Lila gasps at what she sees)
Lila: I'm...
Ray Ray: Beautiful.
Monroe: Aye, she is.
Ray Ray: ...She gonna be okay?
Juniper: And because you love her. (She and Monroe laugh)
Ray Ray: SHUT-UP DORKO! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP!
Juniper: Oh come on, it's cute.

Citizen June [3.5]

[edit]
June: (smugly to Ray Ray, after he shows Lila how to ride a bike) Well, aren't you the little gentleman.
Ray Ray: (mildly) Shut up.
Ray Ray: (about Melissa) Yeah, if you were drowning she'd throw ya a bucket of water! Well actually no, first she'd throw ya a bucket of spit, then a bucket of water!
June: (to Thor about destroying her school) You can't!
Thor: Sure I can.
Hammerette #1: No sweetie, I think when she says "you can't" it means she'd rather you not.
Thor: You're scuffing the locks.
Jody: (on a campaign video created by Melissa) Why is everybody in this school-so- ugly- short- and stupid! (the classroom boo's at her)
Roger: (to Jody) Hey, who you callin' short!?
Melissa: (on campaign video) Jody Irwin, loves homework, hates you. Vote Melissa O'Malley, class president!
June: (looking for Jody, who ran out of the classroom after Melissa bad mouthed her) Jody?! (finds her crying under a tree) Oh, Jody, Melissa was wrong to do that.
Jody: I'll never win the election now!
June: Sure you will.
Jody: No! The only way I'd win now is if I had... (June's bracelet starts to glow, she sees dark clouds forming near her school, she gets more nervous as Jody talks) ...somebody to campaign. They didn't have to be popular, but still known to the public. I'd need somebody who's smart, good at politics, and somewhat cool. (looks at June) June! Why don't you run for class president? It'll be fun, we could beat Melissa O'Malley!
Jody: ...And I'll be your manager!
June: Jody I-
Jody: I'm not leaving 'till you say yes! (the clouds get bigger)
June: Okay! (she runs toward them)
Jody: Perfect! Now, I'll just need a speech.
Kid #2: My locker door has been sticking for the past two years, and I don't think I'm alone in this. How do you plan on fixing the problem?
June: Umm, I guess you could use some oil, that worked on mine.
Melissa: Clearly, my opponent doesn't understand the issue. A quick fix isn't the answer, we need a solution that will eliminate sticky locker doors for you, for everyone, and for generations to come! And she has ugly shoes. (the crowd laughs)
June: But I had gym today, I couldn't wear the cute ones!
Jody: She's getting eaten alive out there, switch to plan B! (they signal her to switch plans)
June: Ok, I know you guys are ready to vote for your next president, question is though, are you ready...(swipes into a KISS costume) TO ROCK?! (smoke covers the stage, Melissa gasps as June starts playing guitar and Ray Ray and Dennis, also dressed up as KISS, come up behind her onstage)
Thor: (looking at the zoo brochure) Ooh, they've got llamas! I loves me some llamas!
Thor: Anybody who's bored, raise your hand. (he and all the Hammerettes raise their hands) It's official, welcome to Boresville, population: Us.
June: Uh Jody, I have to go to the bathroom.
Jody: But you're just about to give your speech!
June: Yeah but, when you gotta go...
Jody: Okay, make it quick. (June runs off, Jody calls after her) And no handwashing! Hygiene will have to wait!
Ophelia: (giving June's speech) Isn't it time we show Melissa just how SICK OF IT we are?!
June: (to Ophelia) Relax, you'll be drunk with power in no time.
Ophelia: This couldn't get any worse.
Roger: Hey uh, if you're lookin' for a first lady, I'm your guy.
Ophelia: And there it goes.

Make Me Up Before You Go-Go [3.6]

[edit]
Juniper: Lila, don't worry about it. My friends are some of the nicest kids you'll ever meet.
Jody: I hate everyone and everything!!
Lila: Look if I go now, nobody'll notice.
Juniper: Lila, calm down, everything's going to be okay. (Jody sticks her head out the door)
Jody: Run! Go! Don't look back! Save yourselves! (Rachel pushes her away and opens the door)
Rachel: Get in maggots! Move, move, move!
Rachel: (sweetly) Sleepovers, who doesn't love a good sleepover? (gets angry) ME that's who! Especially since mom and dad agreed to this thing, then decided to go out tonight to make me stay home on dweeb duty! So listen up and listen good if i'm disturbed in anyway and i mean anyway you will pay dearly! (gets in Lila's face) Do I make myself clear?! (Lila growls at her, Rachel backs off) ...Okay then, I'll be in my room.
Ophelia: Tell me you can teach me that.
Lila: Number one rule when living in the woods, bad smell; no go.
Juniper: Well, we're not in the woods anymore.
Lila: (she sniffs the monster) But he smells really funky. (June sniffs him too)
Juniper: Okay, so he's not exactly a walking air freshener, that's still not a good reason to leave him --
Lila: No, I'm mean bad smell, as in up-to-no-good smell.
Juniper: That's a lot of lipstick for a dog.
Monroe: Well, sometimes I like to feel pretty!
Ophelia: Gee, when did I get invited to Dorkville?
[Jody and Lila running in a hallway]
Lila: Jody, wait! I'm not done!
Jody: You said I was dried and got that was June! You totally to hangout with is more often. [she opens the door of the bathroom, Ray Ray and Monroe having makeup]
Ray-Ray: Personally, I like to use a little liner. Helps give you illusion of fuller thicker lips.
[Jody, Lila, Roger, and Ophelia sees Ray-Ray and Monroe in the bathroom]
Ray-Ray: Ugh! This totally what is looks like. We're...we're...[snoring]
Jody: June, what's your brother doing here with your dog?
Ray-Ray: [he wakes] I was just kinda explain and sometimes a my Mo-mo what else walking except you. We can exactly haven't...boopin' all over the house, right?
Ophelia: Yeah, but that really does an explain the make-up.
Juniper: Um, sorry, guys. Come on, Monroe. And let mommy take you for a walkie.

Out of the Past [3.7]

[edit]
Kai Yee: Old woman, you are not worthy of such an honor. You do not deserve the title, "protector".
Ah-Mah: Neither do you!
Ah-Mah: June, I forgot my staff, could you please go get it for me?
Juniper: Yeah. (runs to get it)
Ah-Mah: Monroe.
Monroe: Right. (traps June behind fireplace)
Ray Ray: I mean, did you even SEE how much soda I drank today? (Monroe looks over and sees a huge pile of soda cans)
Monroe: Alright lad, (opens the chimney up) but I'm going to need your word as a gentlemen to... (Ray Ray comes out quickly and traps Monroe, then goes over to where June's trapped)
Ray Ray: Hang on sis, I'll have ya outta there before ya can say dragon boogers! (cut to June inside)
Juniper: Ray Ray? (cut back, Ray Ray lets her out) You rule Ray Ray!
Ah-Mah: He is so determined, so full of potential, so much...like you.
Juniper: You think I'm like him?
Ah-Mah: I don't know.
Ah-Mah: There is no greater champion than that child! On the best day of your life, you can only hope to be half the champion she is!
Kai Yee: Amusing... seeing as how today is my best day.
Juniper: (making fun of Kai Yee after she hit him) Hey, you ok? That look like it hurt.
Juniper: (making Kai Yee hit himself with a chain) Why are you hitting yourself?! Why?! Why?!
(June stops Kai Yee from destroying the Orb of Elders)
Kai Yee: It does not have to be this way! We could put an end to this, you and I. We could rule the world, together! (June pauses to to look away)
Juniper: Thanks, I'll pass. (hits him)
Ah-Mah: (to Juniper) You will be the best of us. You are a great Te Xuan Ze.
Juniper: So were you Ah-Mah, so were you.

Sealed With a Fist! [3.8]

[edit]
Dennis: ...and I know you're gonna freak out but just stay with me, OK. (takes a deep breath) Magic, is real.
Juniper: ...Wow. Figure that out all by yourself?
Dennis: Get ahold of yourself!
Juniper: I'm fine Dennis, you on the other hand, know too much.
Dennis: What? (Monroe throws Goblin Dust on him, he coughs) Did the dog just throw powder on me?!
Monroe: Uh-oh.
Juniper and Ray Ray: What?
Monroe: Apparently we've Goblin Dusted 'im so much he's developed an immunity to it.
Juniper: He knows but, only enough to get himself killed out there. He needs to know.
Dennis: (about to go on a "world-saving mission") Farewell sister, for I may not return. (leaves, June chases after him)
Juniper: Dennis, wait! I've gotta tell you something!
Monroe: Lass, no! Ya can't tell 'em the truth!
Monroe: 10 bucks says he freaks out.
Ray Ray: You're on.
Dennis: And all that magic stuff Ah-Mah gives you, it's real?
Boomfist: With the powers of H.A.T.E., the villains of L.O.V.E. don't stand a chance!
Monroe: (upon seeing Ray Ray with Boomfist) Can it really be?
Juniper: It's not possible.
Dennis: Whoa. Why ya talkin' to the dog?
Juniper: Besides, tights make my butt look big.
Boomfist: Duh, whaddya think the cape's for?
Juniper: (gloating to H.A.T.E.) What's that you always say Boomfist?
Boomfist: (Solemnly) There's nothing you can't work out when you set your mind to it...(Smirking)...And decide to cheat."
Monroe: Actually lass, he's absolutely right.
Juniper: But the magic he learns isn't real.
Monroe: Actually, a lot of the magic Dennis and his friends practice is based on real magical spells. He may even know more magic than YOU.
Monroe: It took a little work, but I managed dig up an Amnesian Stone. If used properly, it can wipe out the last 24 hours of Dennis' memory. ...Should I uh, give 'er a rub?
Juniper: Mmm.... (glances at Dennis talking with Ray Ray) ...Nah. We couldn't have won today without Dennis. And... I know he can be a real pain but, well, it turns out he's pretty good at this. Heh. Who knew?
Monroe: (smiling) Guess it runs in the family.
Juniper: Yeah. ....Who knows, maybe he'll even be fun to have around...
Dennis: (offscreen) Hey June, what's this do? (she gets hit with a magical blast, burning her hair) Oh man! June! You should really label these things, June, sheesh.
Juniper: (to Monroe) But hang on to the stone. Just in case.

Little Big Mah [3.9]

[edit]
(Ah-Mah just been turned about 40 years younger)
Ah-Mah: Why this doesn't happen when I have a date, I'll never know.
Juniper: (same time with Ray Ray) Oh Ah-Mah!
Ray Ray: (same time with June) Aaaugh! Don't say that!!!
Monroe: Your Grandmother was forced to stay an extra 30 years when the mantle of Te Xuan Ze skipped your father. She had to remain in Orchid Bay 3 extra decades for Juniper, she spent her whole life here. If anyone ever had the right to complain it's her.
Michael: Meng Mei and Jin, I don't know that part of the family.
Ah-Mah: Imagine that.
Ah-Mah: (after being turned younger) What's everybody staring at?
Ray Ray: Whoa, Ah-Mah, you look hot.
Juniper and Monroe: Eww!
Ray Ray: What? I can't say my own grandmother looks hot?
Juniper and Monroe: NO!
Ah-Mah: (giggles) Of course you can sweetie, your Ah-Mah could never get tired of hearing it.
June: (to Ah-Mah) Good thing we're the same size now.
Michael: (heard upstairs) Kids, is your grandmother up there? Her purse is down here. Mom?
Ray Ray: Quick! Hide under here! (June and Ray Ray run her over to the bed, it's full of junk) No, in there! (they run her over to the closet, junk spills onto the floor)
Juniper: Ray Ray!
Ray Ray: Well whaddaya want for 5 bucks?! (Michael comes in)
Michael: Mom! Are you in? Oh! Who's this?
Ray Ray: Uh, this is... our cousin! Yeah! Cousin... Roxanne! From Hong Kong. She's in town for a few days and Ah-mah thought she'd like to stay with us.
Michael: That's, wonderful! Roxanne, so great to meet you! So, uhm, who are you related to?
Jasmine: Uh- uh, I, I'm uh-I am a... I'm a Dwan! Ming-Mei and Jin's daughter.
Michael: Huh, (mumbled) Ming-Mei and Jin... ...Huh. Well I don't know that part of the family.
Jasmine: Imagine that.
Ray Ray: Phew! No need to thank me! (smugly) ...Cousin Roxanne. Hhhhigh-five!
Ah-Mah: Ray Ray, why didn't you just say I was a friend from school! Now I gave to sleep here! And what kinda name is Roxanne?!
Ray Ray: A cool name! Like a Vegas show-girl, or, or a one who drives a trucker! We could call ya Roxie! (Micheal appears out of the doorway)
Michael: Hey, I like that! So, aunt Barbara's gonna call the school in the morning, sooo (points at "Roxie") Roxie can go to class with you and see how the kids in the states have it! It's gonna be fun! (he leaves, June and Ah-Mah give Ray Ray a look)
Ray Ray: ...Five bucks I can get ya out of it. (Juniper slaps his shoulder) Ow! ... Two bucks. (sees June raise her hand again, runs off-screen)
Juniper: (to Ah-Mah) Yeah well one of the downsides of being a kid, is that you have to go to school. (all of June's friends come up)
Roger: Whoa, June, who's your new friend?
Ah-Mah: (whispering to June) Oh yeah, this is gonna be a non-stop party.
Juniper: Oh uh, hey guys, this is my cousin, Roxanne.
Roger: Well, uh, any cousin of June's is a, uh... cousin of mine!
Ophelia: (sarcastic) Smooth, Roge.
Jody: (slowly but loudly) Welcome to America, my name is JODY, can you say JODY?
Teacher: So Jasmine, why don't you tell us a little about China?
Ah-Mah: I haven't been to China in 40 years! (the class stares at her, June gives her a look) I mean uh, for awhile, but I'm sure it hasn't changed since I left it.
Roxanne: Any other questions?
Kid: Do you know karate? (she sighs, annoyed)
Roxanne: First of all, karate is JAPANESE, second of all why do people always ask Asians those same questions? First question, "What are you?", second question, "Do you know karate?". So, I'm Chinese, and yes, I know karate. And over 26 other styles of hand-to-hand combat! (jumps up and lands on desk in a combat position, June gives her a look) Uh, we learn it in gym class.
Teacher: Now Roxanne, there's one question I like to ask all my students, what would you like to be when you grow up?
Ah-Mah: A size 4! (laughs, June gives her a look, then she gets serious) I guess what I really wanted to do was become an archaeologist. Studying different cultures and people from all around the world.
Teacher: Well, you've still got time Roxanne.
Ah-Mah: It would appear so.
June: (after she was turned back to normal) Ah-Mah, are you ok?
Ah-Mah: I'm fine. Old again, but fine. (her pants rip, June giggles a little, Ah-Mah sighs) I knew I shoulda gone with the spandex.
Juniper: Roger, go home!
Roger: Not until I see Roxanne!
Juniper: Roxanne went back to China!
Barbara: He's got five minutes, then I'm turning on the sprinklers.
Roger: Roxanne!!! (the sprinklers turn on, Roger slips and falls)

Te Xuan Me? [3.10]

[edit]
Ray Ray: This... is Roger's knapsack!
Freddy: Who? Th-Those bags were in that closet when I rented this joint.
Ray Ray: This is Jody's! ..And Marcus's! Ophelia's! [gasps sadly]... This is June's knapsack... [Freddy cringes and is about to back out but is tripped over by Monroe]
Dennis: Don't move! This is a banishment stone and I know how to use it! ... Mostly.
Ray Ray: [to Monroe] See! All these text books have her name in 'em, an-and this is her soccer jersey, and... [finds June's family tree album] ...And this- is Juniper!
Monroe: ...Sweet Agnes McGee... [Sees June wearing her bracelet on the photo] ...It's true!
[Ray Ray jumps on Freddy's stomach and pulls him by his shirt collar]
Ray Ray: Where's my sister?
Freddy: Okay look! I had to get them dragon eggs back, I was sellin' em to these guys who was wayyy mad when I lost em- They was gonna break off my horns! I mean, I didn't mean...
Ray Ray [pulls him closer to his own face]: WHERE'S MY SISTER?
Freddy: ...It was an accident.
Juniper: Ya wanna show these guys what happens when ya mess with the Lee's?
Ray Ray: Oh yeah! [Both proceed to give a beat-down to the Time Wraiths]

Food for Naught [3.11]

[edit]
Juniper: Well, that explains how Cletus can stand these things.
Gus: Not really, he'll eat anything. [Cletus takes a bite out of the couch]
Ray Ray: Dude, you are so paying for that.
Juniper: [to Ray Ray] Eat! Eat like the wind!
Monroe: My, they certainly are industrious little old ladies, aren't they?
Eloise: You bet your hairy butt we are.
Monroe: [He makes a variety of weird gestures after being exposed to Tarabok Weed] Oh boy. [He starts growing in size, his shadow being cast over June and Ray Ray
Juniper and Ray Ray: Sweet Mary MacGonagall!

A Helping H.A.M. [3.12]

[edit]
Lex: Our mission was a success!
[Empties bag expecting the Te Xuan Ze in it]
Lex: The dog?? You captured the dog??? You were supposed to take the Te Xuan Ze!
Gorp: Well I was, but he insisted on coming.
Lex: Excuse me?
Monroe: That's right, sign me up, I'm in! I'd like to join H.A.M..

The Kids Stay in the Picture [3.13]

[edit]
Ophelia: I need you to play the rest of the parts.
Roger: I'll do it if I can be the raccoon!
Ophelia: No.
Roger: How about a scene with the raccoon?
Ophelia: No.
Roger: Can you at least introduce me to the raccoon?
Ophelia: You wanna die?
Roger: Watermelon! Get it while it's hot!
Ophelia: Roger! I'm not gonna tell you again, stick to the script!
Roger: Okay, okay, okay! But can I make stuff up?
Ophelia: That's it, you're a mute.
Roger: Cool! Does a mute get to sing? 'Cause I've been working on a little number.

Every Witch Way but Loose [3.14]

[edit]
Monroe: Long long ago, before recorded history, magical creatures and humans lived together in our world. But as time went on, the two sides more and more at odds with each other. Eventually, the planet was thrown into war. So the magical elders, who guarded the realms, put a stop to it by sacrificing their physical forms. They became spirits and empowered three mystical touchstones. These stones give rise to the magical veil. It is a spell that makes all the world of magic invisible to humans. It was then that the world of magic and the world of humanity became separated forever. One human was given great power to hold it all in balance, and the only one with the power to destroy the orbs is the Te Xuan Ze.
Juniper: I am but a hand, I am but a vessel, I am the stone that balances the worlds.

Cast

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