The Mentalist

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The Mentalist (2008–2015) is an American crime procedural television series about a private investigator who uses his skills of observation to help the police solve crimes.


Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

[Talking about Partridge]
Patrick: He irks me. He's irksome.

[Lisbon on the phone with Jane]
Lisbon: Hey. So, you might be right about this case, might be. Thanks for the insight. No, did I say that? I'm acknowledging the fact that you might be right, that's all. I mean, if you wanted to come back, I couldn't stop you. Yeah, fine, I'm asking you to come back. Because... because you're useful to the team. No! No, I won't say 'please', go screw yourself! Jackass.

Grace: Okay do you want this desk or that one over there? I mean that one gets more light so...
Patrick: More light, definately!
Theresa: (looks up and says sarcastically) Oh Hi. When did you get here?

Theresa: You okay? (as Patrick smiles weakly) Get some sleep, Okay? (Patrick ignores this order and works through the night and is still working when Rigsby and Grace walk in the door, Theresa folling after) You didn't sleep did you? (Patrick slurps his soda in reply then stares as Theresa makes a call) Hi, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Wagner please! It's urgent! (istens to what is said) Jane, Patrick Jane. (istens to what is said) Yeah, I'll hold! (smiles evilly at Patricks mournful face)

Theresa: Don't even start! I'm still angry!
Patrick: I'm sorry!
Theresa: No you're not! (Patrick places an origami frog on her desk and walks away) A frog? This makes everything better doesn't it?! (gasps as the frog jumps at her and turns to smile at Patrick but turns away when he smiles at her)

Dr. Linus Wagner: Why is it you can't sleep?
Jane: Because I can't get the good pills without talking to a doctor.
Dr. Linus Wagner: You don't like talking to a doctor?
Jane: They always want to be the smartest person in the room, don't they? When in fact, that's me, obviously.

Jane: Be reasonable. This is my case.
Lisbon: Your case?
Jane: Red John's mine.
Lisbon: Red John doesn't belong to anyone.
[Long pause, everybody except Lisbon and Jane go into the house]
Jane: He belongs to me.

[Reading note slid under Jane's hotel room door]
Red John's Note: Greetings old friend, it's been a while. I hope you are keeping well. I am thriving and happy. I have 12 wives now and will soon begin courting number 13. Why can't you catch me? You must feel so powerless and stupid and sad. Oh well. All the best. Red John.

Grace: Mr. Jane, I have a question regarding your previous career path.
Jane: Fire away.
Grace: When you met with other psychics, real psychics, could they tell you were just pretending?
Jane: There's no such thing as real psychics.
Grace: I beg to differ. My cousin Yolanda is a psychic.
Jane: Your cousin is deluded or dishonest or both.
Rigsby: Hey, steady.
Grace: No, no, he's entitled to his opinion. He's wrong, though. She has power. She can communicate with the other side. I've seen her do it myself.
Jane: She let you speak with someone that's gone, someone that you love and still miss very much. You wanted her power to be real so it was.
Rigsby: You're so sure you're right. Science doesn't know everything.
Grace: Five hundred years ago, radio would have seemed like magic. Five hundred years in the future, it could be totally normal to communicate with the other side.
Jane: The other side?...There is no other side…

[Jane discusses Red John on a television show and returns home that evening, five years ago, and finds a note]
Red John's Note: Dear mister Jane, I don't like to be slandered in the media, especially by a dirty money-grubbing fraud. If you were a real psychic, instead of a dishonest little worm, you wouldn't need to open the door to see what I've done to your lovely wife and child.
[Jane opens the door to find a red smiling face painted on the wall....]

Mrs. Tolliver: I don't understand. You're psychic?
Jane: No, just paying attention. I used to make a good living pretending to be a psychic. I tell you this because I want you to understand there's no point hiding things from me.

[Jane moves a straw across the table without touching it]
Grace: How do you do that?
Jane: Telekinesis.
Cho: He blew on it.
Jane: That is another way to do it.

[To Price Randolph about his brother, Tag]
Cho: Mister Randolph - rest assured, there is no reason to persecute you. We scumbags are holding your brother because we have physical evidence linking him to the crime and potential motive in that he states that whenever you weren't around, he was banging your wife like a big bass drum.

[Lisbon walks in just after a wife shoots her husband for murdering their daughter while Jane was alone with them]
Jane: Honestly, it's not as bad as it looks.

[Accusing a father of murdering his daughter]
Jane: An innocent man would've punched me by now.

Red Hair and Silver Tape [1.02][edit]

Lisbon: If it wasn't him, then who was it? And if you say a man who likes red hair and silver duct tape, I'll scream.
Patrick: I don't want you to scream.

Jane: I made a booking for two for this afternoon. Could you put us on the terrace? It's more romantic. Thanks... Yeah, Patrick... Lovely. See you then. [To Lisbon] Don't fret, I wouldn't seduce you over a meal. That'd be very sophomoric.
Lisbon: I didn't think you were trying to seduce me.
Jane: Come on, how could that thought not have entered your head?
[Lisbon stares speechlessly at Jane]
Jane: Your denial that it did intrigues me.
Lisbon: Bite me.

[Talking about Raquel]
Lisbon: That was funny, the way she gave him up so easily like that?
Jane: Yeah, it was. But you were right, huh? Secret lover. Guess I was wrong about the whole red-hair-and-duct-tape thing.
Lisbon: You hypnotized her, didn't you?
Jane: I certainly did not. [Lisbon just stares at him] Okay, no. Yes, I did hypnotize her, but--
Lisbon: But nothing. It's unprofessional and it's illegal. It's totally out of bounds.
Cho:That's what I told him.
Jane: I was gonna say you had nothing to do with it, but hey.
Lisbon: [Cho]if you allow him to pull that stuff again, and you'll be showing visitors around the statehouse in a stupid hat.

[staring into Raquel's eyes]
Jane: Raquel, look at me. Before you fall asleep tonight while you're lying in your bed relaxing and slowly drifting off into sleep... I want you to think of me. Think of me and imagine that you can fly. Imagine that you're weightless. You can float gently into the air if you want to. Safe, and calm, and serene. You can fly away and leave all your burdens and worries and fears behind you. [pauses] Imagine that. What a nice feeling it is. Next time you see me, [taps Raquel gently on the knee] when I say hello you'll remember that good feeling and you will want to tell me the truth. Because when you do tell the truth, you feel that a heavy weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I'll say hello and you will feel as light as a feather... as if you are floating on air. [leans back with a smile on face] Why don't you sit here a moment and think about that before you go back to work?
Raquel: Whatever. [turns to Cho] Your friend's crazy. Can I go now?
Cho: Yes.
Jane: [looking at Cho] It worked on the chicken.

[After Jane's plan to lure in the suspect has gone awry]
Lisbon: Everything's funny.
Jane: Well, if you try. I mean, come on. That was pretty funny. Strange though. I was sure the Chef would bite. I mean, there's still a chance he could show up.
Lisbon: The chef? Malcolm? Why do you think it's him?
Jane: He uses way too much butter.
Lisbon: Say--?
Jane: He's a gluttonous baby. He's self indulgent. He wants what he wants and takes it.
Lisbon: Too much butter.
Jane: Yeah.
Lisbon: It's fascinating, the way your mind works.

Jane: I've a daughter that would be about your age if I hadn't caused her death... her and her mother.
Frankie O'Keefe: How?
Jane: Out of arrogance... stupidity. I made an evil man very angry and he killed them to teach me a lesson. To make me sorry for what I've done... and I am sorry. Being sorry is far worse punishment than being dead, everybody dies... very few people ever feel truly sorry for the bad things they've done.

Jane: No such thing as psychic powers.
Sheriff McAllister: So what is it you do exactly?
Jane: You know rock paper scissors?
Sheriff McAllister: I do.
Jane: Play me. On three; one, two, three.
[Jane wins six consecutive games]

Grace: I don't get it. She actually enjoyed helping him kill. One crazy, evil person I understand, but two? Husband and wife? Marriage is suppose to be a sacred, loving thing.
Jane: Yeah, they were soulmates in their strange own way.

[talking about the relationship between Melanie and Hector]
Hector Ramirez: What we had... was special.
Jane: You made her feel like a captured princess instead of a small town choir nerd. And she made you feel like a dashing pirate instead of what you are... sort of a bad-tempered pharmacist.

Red Tide [1.3][edit]

Grace: It's gotta be tough.
Lisbon: What?
Grace: I mean, a drunk driver. Isn't that what happened to your mother? [Lisbon stares at her] Sorry. It's not my business.
Lisbon: We don't discuss our personal lives in this unit. It's not useful and it's not professional.

Jane: You want symbolic? You're a hawk and Christine was a rabbit.
Hope: What does that even mean?
Jane: Bird of prey, rabbit. You tell me.

[Talking about Dane Kurtik]
Jane: He's not gonna confess.
Lisbon: What'd you think, he'd break under the bad lighting conditions?

Lisbon: You have good kids.
Jack Tanner: Yeah, I do.
Lisbon: You're all they have.
Jack Tanner: Yeah, I know.
Lisbon: Be good to them.
Jack Tanner: I am good to them.
Lisbon: My father was a good man, just like you are. And after my mother died... he was a self-pitying drunk, just like you are. He killed himself. Damn near killed me and my brothers too. Get some help. Your kids deserve it. So do you.

Philip Handler: I guess, uh, you must be bad cop.
Lisbon: I try.

[After Jane was hit by Dane Kurtik]
Minelli: You couldn't just give Kurtik a stern talking to instead?
Lisbon: What about Christine Tanner, sir? If Kurtik was having sex with her, that gives him motive to kill.
Minelli: If! And that's a hunch. Based on rockabilly.
Lisbon: It's a Jane hunch, you keep him around for a reason.

Dane Kurtik: I never touched Christine Tanner.
Jane: Liar.
Dane Kurtik: Believe me, when I tell you that you just now made the worst mistake of your miserable little life.
Jane: Believe me, no matter how this turns out, I've made worse mistakes.

[Lisbon and Jane are interviewing a suspect]
Jane: See, the thing is, Flip, Lisbon here is looking at you like you're a pork chop, because you fit the profile. Your life is in chaos, you're lonely, you're depressed, you're addicted to drugs and pornography and a little nuts, to be honest. You're exactly the kind of man that does terrible things to women. But I don't think you did this.

Ladies in Red [1.4][edit]

Rigsby: I look around, I don't see anyone here who could torture a man to death with pliers and a lit cigar.
Patrick: Picture them naked and ravenously hungry.
Grace: Ew!

Minelli: What were you thinking? Leaving this man alone at an event like that?
Lisbon: No excuses, I mistakenly treated him like a responsible adult.

[Talking about seduction]
Rigsby: Okay, I'll bite. What's the basic principle?
Jane: Cost you a dollar.
Rigsby: For what?
Jane: So you'll pay attention.
[Rigsby gives Jane a dollar]
Jane: Love and affection.
Rigsby: What?
Jane: Love and affection.
Rigsby: Give me my dollar back.
Jane: When you're seducing someone, what are you offering them? Love and affection. Who doesn't want love and affection. It's simple.
Rigsby: Seriously, give me my dollar back.

Rigsby: Seduction's not my strong point.
Jane: Seduction's easy once you know the basic principles. There's nothing to it.
Rigsby: Oh, really? Well, I don't see a crowd of women following you around.
Jane: Why would I want a crowd of women following me around?

[Talking about Jennifer Sands]
Lisbon: (joking around with Jane for once) You're not soft on her, are you?
Jane: No...maybe a little. We need to talk to the lawyer--
Lisbon: Bennett. We need to talk to him. You need to stay well away. (realises what he said and looks a little hurt) Did you say maybe a little?
Jane: She's a gorgeous grieving widow. Of course maybe a little. [Lisbon stares at him with a look of pure horror] Don't worry, it's not gonna affect my work. I'm a law-enforcement professional. Jeez.

[Talking about Grace]
Rigsby: I sent out the vibes. I got nothing back, okay? So I'm leaving her alone.
Jane: Vibes. Really? Vibes?
Cho: That's where he stares at the back of her neck for several hours. Women love that.
Rigsby: Oh, shut up, Cho!
Patrick Jane: You gotta go get her, man. You gotta seduce her.

[Investigating the crime scene]
Jane: [talking about Jason Sands] He's still here.
Det. Carla Mulvey: Not unless he's invisible. He's not, Agent Jane.
Lisbon: He's not an agent. He's a consultant.
Jane: No badge. No gun. [Whispering] They don't even give me dental.
Det. Carla Mulvey: Oh, yeah. You're the one they were telling me about, the psychic. Sorry, Gandalf. In our own bumbling way, we did look around pretty good. He's not here.

[Jane sits to join interview of Jason Sands's mistress]
Adrianna Jonovich: Ah, the handsome one.
[Jane smiles and nods]
Adrianna Jonovich: Gay, yes?

Redwood [1.5][edit]

Lisbon: Hey, can you believe he fell for that old cell-phone gag?
Patrick: Old cell-phone gag? I invented that right there and then. Rather brilliantly, I thought.
Lisbon: Oh, please. I've seen that done a dozen times.
Jane: What do you mean? Where?
Lisbon: On TV.
Jane: Oh, on TV. Well, anything can happen on TV. The question is, where have you seen that done in real life?

[Lisbon is on the phone with Jane and she has just realized that she's alone in a cabin with the killer]
Lisbon: Okay. Good. Listen, tell Rigsby, Teresa needs his help. [Jane gets her message and looks worried] Me? I'm at the Eagle Pine Lodge off Route 6.
Jane: Okay.
[Lisbon puts her phone in her pocket but doesn't hang up so Jane can still hear everything. She turns to face the killer and starts to reach for her weapon]
Lisbon: Kyle, let's stay calm and think this through.
Kyle: Think what through?
Lisbon: I really don't wanna shoot you, but I do have to take you into custody for killing Kara Palmer. What are we gonna do about that?

Lisbon: [Answering her phone] Where the hell are you?
Jane: Nicole remembered everything. She can describe the suspect. We're looking for a tall, well-built man with brown hair and glasses. Mid-thirties.
Lisbon: That's it? That describes half the men in California.
Jane: Yeah, that's it. But at least we know it wasn't her that killed Kara. And it wasn't Rulon Farnes.
Lisbon: Nice work. For this you illegally abducted her from the sheriff's custody?
Jane: Yeah, I was gonna tell you about it, but seeing that it's illegal, best to keep you out of it so you have deniability.
Lisbon: How considerate of you.

[Talking about a suspect]
Jane: Oh, let him go.
Lisbon: Let him go?
Cho: What for?
Rigsby: We had to fight to catch him.
Jane: Oh, you're such policemen. Yes, let him go.

Rulon Farnes: So I gotta pay for a little human contact now and then. Shoot me. It's not my fault I look like this.
Cho: It is actually. With a low-carb diet and exercise you could look very different.

[A girl has gone missing and Jane is addressing the people in the search party]
Jane: I want you to look at me, all of you. And listen closely. I'd like you to raise your hand above you heads like this. [He raises his hands and the others do the same] Both hands. You too, sheriff. And you, agent Lisbon. Please. [The sheriff and Lisbon both raise their hands, too] Good. Very good. One of you-- One of you here killed Kara Palmer and abducted Nicole Gilbert. I want that person to lower their right hand now. [Jane lowers his right hand but no one else does] Okay, okay. It usually gets a hit. Forget I even spoke.

Jane: Tell me, of the men on this search party, which one would you guess is a violent sexual predator?
Sheriff Nelson: What kind of question is--
Jane: [Interrupting] Who's name just popped into your head? Someone's did. There's always someone.
Sheriff Nelson: This is your method? Asking people to guess who done it? Strange kind of detective work you guys do.

Lisbon: Bad karma doesn't have an expiration date.
Jane: Uh, actually it does. According to traditional Buddhist teachings. I'm counting on it.

Lisbon: [To the local Sheriff] We don't help, we take over.

Red Handed [1.6][edit]

Grace: I don't think it's right to bet on such things. That's a human being that just died!
Rigsby: No, it's okay. We're in Nevada. Here in California, yeah it'd be wrong. [Crosses over to Nevada side.] But here, Nevada. It's okay to gamble on body parts.

Jane: Let's go. I got us a table booked at the best restaurant in town. Apparently they tell you the name of the cow your steak came from.
Grace: That's horrible.

Jane: You guys are gonna be going over a punch of boring files now, I expect. So I think I'll work here, play a little, get the lay of the land. Give me a hundred bucks?
Lisbon: I don't think that's such a good idea.
Jane: Sure you do. I'll give it back to you double.
Lisbon: Look, here's a hundred, but you'll pay me back double, right?
Jane: Triple.

Matt Etienne: The Casino's on the Nevada side of the resort and offers full-service gaming. We recently spent ten million upgrading the facilities to improve the experience.
Jane: They use the same techniques in state-of-the-art animal husbandry to make cows and sheep feel more comfortable.
Matt Etienne: Really?
Jane: Dim lights, soft music, a maze of passages that lead you back to the pens, or in this case the slots.
Matt Etienne: Don't hold back. Speak your mind.
Jane: There's no clocks or windows anywhere, so there's no passage of time. Low priced alcohol is poured down you by attractive young women. Oxygen is pumped into the place to make you stay awake and the constant symphony of bells and sirens that make it seem like someone's winning all the time.
Matt Etienne: But someone is always winning. You see, our machines are carefully designed to let every gambler have a taste of victory. Just enough to keep them pumping their money into the machines and on to the table. So what's your point?
Jane: Oh, no point. I love it.

[A severed hand has been found on a road]
Rigsby: No. We're gonna be talking to the hand for a long while.
Jane: Why so glum? A case is a case.
Rigsby: We're in the middle of nowhere. Windy as all hell. I haven't eaten anything. Dismemberments are a bitch. Spend months assembling the victim, there's always a piece missing.
Jane: There's already plenty to work with right here.
Grace: It's a right hand with the number 43 on it.

Jane: [To Jessica Meier] Your father died protecting you. So in the end he-- he was there for you.

Daniel: That last hand. How did you do that?
Jane: Oh, I cheated.
Daniel: But how?
Jane: Next time we play, I'll show you.

[Daniel has confessed to killing his father-in-law]
Lisbon: Did your wife have anything to do with this?
Daniel: No. No. She had nothing to do with this. And the idiot never suspected it was me. How's that for denial? How did you know it was me?
Jane: Well, when we first met, you were more concerned about the college football scores than you were your father-in-law's murder.
Daniel: So?
Jane: So when you're searching for a killer, the degenerate gambler in the room is a good person to look at.
Daniel: I'm not degenerate. I'm a professional. I'm just having a streak of bad luck.
Lisbon: Yes, you are.

[Lisbon asked why he did not tell her about his hunch]
Jane: If I told you about every hunch, you would get very irritated.

Lisbon: [To Patrick] Your people are carnie folk, it's finally making sense to me.

Jane: [To Lisbon] Why do we get so hung up on every little law everyone breaks?

Seeing Red [1.7][edit]

Jane: Okay. Got it. Uh, by her own admission, she's either, uh, a channel for the energy of the departed souls or she's involved in this murder. So you got a choice. You can call ghostbusters or we can take this lady downtown.

Rigsby: All I'm saying, you can't say there's no such thing as a psychic just because you've never met one.
Cho: You're right. I've never seen a zebra, doesn't mean they don't exist.
Rigsby: Never seen a zebra?
Cho: Nah.
Rigsby: Never been to a zoo?
Cho: Yeah I don't get zoos. You pay money to look at animals, why?

Lisbon: Play nice, Van Pelt's entitled to her opinion.
Jane: Not if it's wrong. This is like believing in the Easter Bunny.
Rigsby: Who said there's no Easter Bunny?

Jane: You're good.
Kristina: I like to think so.
Jane: Yes, you do.
Kristina: I think it's important to love one's self. How do you feel about yourself?
Jane: Oh, you tell me. And forget about the $500 an hour. I'm on civil service pay.
Kristina: Okay, for free then. I think you act assured and arrogant, but inside you are troubled with deep guilt and self-loathing. A recent trauma in your past perhaps? But you're more than a little unstable. [To Lisbon] You have your work cut out for you.

Jane: Calling? Is that what this is?
Kristina Frye: Yeah. Calling. Gift if you like, there's no doubt you have it. Why'd you give it up?
Jane: It was the suits. Chaffing. Horrible.

Jane: Nice cradling.
Travis: Play lacrosse?
Jane: No. Fast moving sticks scare me.

Kristina: I talked to your wife...[Patrick begins to stop her] ah, ah... [Kristina pauses] Ever since your wife and daughter were killed, there's a question about that night's events that's been tormenting you, yes? Yes?
Jane: Yes.
Kristina: Your wife wants me to tell you that your daughter never woke up. She didn't know what happened. She wasn't scared, not even for a second.
Jane: Are you done channelling? That's it?
Kristina: That's it.
[Jane looks away]
Jane: [Curtly] Thanks.
Kristina: Goodbye, Mr. Jane.

Grace: I don't like it.
Rigsby: Me neither. What's the alternative?
Grace: It's immoral.
Rigsby: I don't know about that. Say your brain gets cooked if you use 'em a lot. Make you infertile, too.
Grace: What are you talking about?
Rigsby: Microwaves. What are you talking about?
Grace: The séance this evening!
Rigsby: We were looking at the microwave!

Jane: And, can you have Rosemary appear at the reading of the will?
Kristina: She's a departed soul, not a wedding singer. You can't book her in advance.
Jane: Ah, yeah. I guess time doesn't mean much when you're dead forever.
Kristina: No schedule to keep.
Jane: What's the rush?
Kristina: Right.
Jane: Hum.

[Entering the psychic's home]
Jane: [Sniff, sniff] Uhm, I smell dead people.

Cho: They think you killed their mother.
Jeremy: Well, they don't know anything about me. I loved her.
Lisbon: Of course you did. That's why you gave Rosemary's necklace to your hot new girlfriend.
Jeremy: Well, it's no good to Rosemary, is it? So shoot me, I'm a pragmatist.
Lisbon: That's a good word.

Grace: [Talking about Kristina] Excuse me, but you might consider the possibility that she's actually honestly in touch with something beyond your understanding.
Jane: That would be golf and musical theatre of the 30s and 40s.

Jane: So you have done some research on me.
Kristina: I have now. Red John murdered your family. I'm very sorry for your loss. Is that why you gave up your calling?
Jane: Calling? Is that what this is?
Kristina: Yeah. Calling, gift, as you like. There's no doubt that you have it. Why did you give it up?
Jane: It's the suits. Chafing. Horrible.

Jane: If anyone needs arresting, it's Kristina Frye. She knew that Rosemary was in danger. She knew where to find the car, the murder weapon, which means that she either does have supernatural powers or she was involved in the crime.
Lisbon: Come on. She simply did what you do so well. With an air of confidence, she made an educated guess. Where else would you dump a car around here? She's a good guesser.
Jane: Well, I guess that's a possibility, too.
Lisbon: Yes, and that's what you object to, isn't it? Not that she's a con artist but that she's so good at it. Maybe even better than you.
Jane: Not at all. I... All right, yes. Not better than me, mind you, but she is good, and it's the good ones that are the most dangerous.

The Thin Red Line [1.8][edit]

[Jane has stated that he can always tell when Lisbon is lying]
Jane: Where're we going?
Lisbon: To the zoo. They have new tiger cubs.
Jane: Oh. Liar.
Lisbon: Oh, very good.

Cho: Let's do this right. Go in too quickly, someone will get hurt.
Presiado: This is real police work, sonny, people get hurt. Go push some paper.

Van Pelt: But I don't make a fuss.
Jane: Oh, you don't, do you? Why is that?
Van Pelt: Sometimes you have to go along to get along.
Jane: Well, it's nice to be nice, but if you want to get ahead in life, sometimes you have to be a bitch. I know you know how.
Van Pelt: Gee, thanks.
Jane: It's all about the balance Grace, yin-yang, nice-bitch. A little bit of bitch inside the nice, a little bit of nice inside the bitch.
Van Pelt: Yeah, I'll work on that.
Jane: Keep 'em guessing.

Cho: She's confident about the time frame because they were having sex with the TV on. And it was the Scottish guy talking to that actress who married the country singer.

[Dale Blakely punches Jane in the face]
Lisbon: You okay?
Jane: Assault, assault!
Lisbon: I would rethink this new technique of yours.
Jane: [Holding his nose] Yeah. Yeah, I can't disagree.

Jane: It's funny what bad liars cops are. I guess they're not used to concealing themselves under questioning.
Lisbon: I'm a cop and I lie to you all the time, you never catch it.
Jane: I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you're translucent, my dear. I always know when you're lying. Sometimes I let you think you've fooled me just so you don't feel bad.
Lisbon: Name one time.
Jane: Last thanksgiving you said you were going back East to your brother's house, but I knew you actually planned to have three days at home alone to watch old movies and eat ice cream.
Lisbon: Okay, so that's one time.

[Talking about Dale Blakely]
Jane: He's not gonna talk. Poor soul.
Lisbon: He made his bed. He can lie in it.
Jane: You know, I never understood that one. Just because someone makes their bed, why do they have to lie in it? What's to stop them from lying in another bed? Or on the floor for that matter.

Lisbon: When are you gonna learn to cool it without being told?
Jane: Oh, come on. They pissed you off, too, the sexist pigs.
Lisbon: They were.
Jane: I just said they were.
Lisbon: You were saying it ironically.

Presiado: [to Rigsby] Are you guys gonna help or are you gonna stand there and pick your nose?

Lisbon: Is this the only .38 in your possession?
[Jane grabs Presiado's wrist]
Presiado: Yes it is. [To Jane] And if you try to hold my hand again I'm gonna tear your arm off and beat you unconscious with it. Get me?
Jane: Got you.

Flame Red [1.9][edit]

Jane: We've never discussed this because I thought it went without saying, but when I catch Red John, I'm gonna cut him open and watch him die slowly like he did with my wife and child. [Lisbon just stares at him quietly] If you have a problem with that, we should talk.
Lisbon: Then let's talk. Because when we catch Red John, we are gonna take him into custody and he's gonna be tried in a court of law.
Jane: Not if I'm still breathing.
Lisbon: If you try and do violence to him, I will try and stop you. If you succeed in doing violence to him, I will arrest you.
Jane: I understand.
Lisbon: I hope so.
Jane: Well, I'm glad we talked. I had no idea you were so bourgeois and conventional on the issue.

[Talking about releasing Ben Machado from custody]
Jane: If he's here, how is the killer gonna get to him?
Lisbon: He could be the killer. Even if he's not, we don't want the killer to get him.
Jane: Yes, we do. Machado is our bait. He's our tethered goat.
Lisbon: And too bad if the bait gets killed?
Jane: Well, yes. That's why you use goats and not babies or virgins for that matter.
Lisbon: Machado's not a goat.
Jane: You're right, he's not actually a goat. He's goatish. He deserves to suffer.
Lisbon: Nobody deserves murder.
Jane: Machado helped burn Dave Martin alive out of greed.
Lisbon: Jane, we're officers of the law.
Jane: You are. I don't care about the law. I care about justice, and justice says Machado deserves to suffer.
Lisbon: That's not justice, it's vengeance.
Jane: What's the difference?

[Jane barely gets out of a burning barn]
Jane: That was close. Where were you guys?
Rigsby: We called in to check out a lead.
Cho: Yeah, Lisbon didn't know you were about to pull an idiotic stunt, sorry.
Jane: No hard feelings.

Lisbon: Seems like this whole thing has changed your mind about vengeance.
Jane: Has it?
Lisbon: "Revenge is for fools and madmen"?
Jane: Yeah, that was rather good, I thought. Total nonsense, but quite good nonetheless.

Lisbon: Where do you get off giving orders in the first place? I say who goes and who stays, not you.
Jane: Well, that's, uh, fiery but calm. Very good. Why don't you try it with a more forceful hand gesture, like... [he demonstrates...] I say who goes and who stays, not you.
Lisbon: I'm serious.

Tommy: I was at the hospital, 'cause my appendix busted. You want to see my scar?
Lisbon: No. No, but I'm sure Mr. Jane would love to.

Maddy: What are you, a moron? My dad just died.
Jane: Yes. My condolences. It happens. You'll learn to live with it. Not for, uh, a while, but in the end, you will.
Maddy: Who are you?
Jane: My name's Patrick Jane. I'm the man that will find out who it was that killed your father and have him or her or them put in a prison cell if you'll talk to me.

Jane: Now I have access to all your innermost thoughts.
Lisbon: Yeah, right.
Jane: I'm serious.
Lisbon: Okay. So what am I thinking right now?
Jane: You're thinking, I'm so glad Jane is joking around and he can't actually read my mind.
Lisbon: No. Well, actually, yes, but not for the reason you think.
Jane: What reason do I think?
Lisbon: Never you mind.
Rigsby: You're blushing.
Jane: You are blushing.

Ben: Someone's framing me.
Cho: Somebody framed you for shooting at us, Mr. Machado? Because from where I stood, sure looked like it.
Ben: That was a misunderstanding. I didn't know who you guys were. I was defending myself.
Cho: Really? From whom?
Ben: From someone trying to kill me. Just like they killed Rich and tried to kill Trey.
Cho: And why would you be next on someone's "To Burn"-list?

Cho: Hey, do you wanna go to work or do you wanna play nurse with King Tut?
Grace: Work. Definitely work.

Trey: Ben's our go-to guy in Marquesa.
Ben: He just means I'm the only real estate agent around here who takes his commission in fertilizer and chickens.

Ben: I didn't know you guys were cops.
Cho: You thought we were selling magazine subscriptions?

Maddy's mom: That's Tommy. He's...challenged!
Maddy: (listening in) Challenged? He's retarded Mom! (starts getting upset) Why can't you tell the truth about anything? Why is everything always a lie?!

Maddy: (after they game her Tommy's message) He's sorry? He's sorry! You tell him from me that if he ever gets out of prison I'm gonna set him on fire and see how he likes it!
Maddy's Mon: Maddy...
Maddy: I am!
Maddy's Mom: Maddy, you're father...
Maddy: (interrupting) Don't you talk about him! You have no right! (slowly enunciating every word) No Right!

Maddy: I don't care!
Patrick: Yes you do. I think you care very much!

Red Brick and Ivy [1.10][edit]

[Talking about Sophie Miller]
Lisbon: What if we take this case and it turns out she's guilty?
Jane: She didn't do it.
Lisbon: How do you know?
Jane: Because she told me she didn't. She wouldn't lie to me.
Lisbon: Why not?
Jane: Because she wouldn't.
Lisbon: Suppose she did.
Jane: Well, if shes is guilty, then we need to catch her and punish her, but she's not.
Lisbon: Jane, I know I said I wouldn't ask, but I'm asking. Who is this woman? What's the connection?
Jane: You don't wanna know.

Jane: Yeah, I went through a rough patch. Did a little time in a hospital. Sophie helped me through that time.
Lisbon: It's not on your record.
Jane: No. Believe me,'s not easy to do. I know there's nothing shameful about having a breakdown, but I gotta confess, I am ashamed of it.
Lisbon: Thank you for being so honest with me.
Jane: Sorry I kept it from you.

Lisbon: Seriously, I've stuck my stupid neck out for you for the umpteenth time. I think I deserve the truth. Why is Sophie Miller so important to you?
Jane: She was my doctor.
Lisbon: She's a psychiatrist.
Jane: Yes. She was my psychiatrist.
Lisbon: But you hate psychiatrists. So you always say.
Jane: She was a good psychiatrist.
Lisbon: She must have been, if she managed to keep you in the room.
Jane: It was a locked room.
Lisbon: [pauses] Oh.

Jane: You don't like the way I drive, you despise it.
Lisbon: You drive way too fast.
Jane: I drive just fast enough. You hate not being the one in control and yet you're willing to overcome your irrational fears to cheer me up. That's a beautiful thing, Lisbon. Thank you, I'd love to drive.
Lisbon: Never mind.

Lisbon: Aw. Jane kissed a girl.
Jane: What? Yeah on the cheek.
Lisbon: Still counts.
Jane: Counts as what?
Lisbon: Nothing. Just saying.

Lisbon: We have agents at your house right now with a search warrant.
Chancellor Stern: Inadmissible.
Lisbon: Yes. I'd hate to be a State's Attorney. Jane's always pulling crap like this on them but they always win.

Jane: Let's keep it casual to start with Sophie. Let her relax. If she gets her guard up, we'll get nothing from her.
Lisbon: You're very combative all of a sudden.
Jane: Yeah, if she is guilty, she lied to me and I believed it. She fooled me.
Lisbon: The ultimate sin.
Jane: Yes it is.

Jane: The widow's not a true blonde. She's naturally dark.
Lisbon: And what?
Jane: And her hair's colored and styled to look like Sophie, only younger. She was a brunette when I knew her.
Lisbon: So Nelson was a control freak like you said.
Jane: A control freak with a serious thing for getting his women to dye their hair blonde.
Lisbon: Kerry Sheenan has roots.
Jane: Yes, she does.
Lisbon: Sheenan and Alex Nelson were having an affair.
Jane: Bravo!

Lisbon: That's funny. "Don't listen to control freaks." "Whatever you say, sir."

Cho: How did you kill Nelson?
Howie: Poison.
Cho: What kind of poison did you use?
Howie: Wouldn't you like to know.
Cho: I do know, I'm wondering if you do.
Howie: Do you realize that the real rulers of this planet are insects?

Grace: [talking about Howie] He's crazy.
Rigsby: Yeah, crazy don't make him innocent. Crazy is what makes people kill other people.

Stutzer: You are skeptical. Nevertheless, it's true we are plumbing the depths of the human soul. Do you know what's down there? Do you know what your soul is made of?
Jane: Frogs and snails and puppy dogs' tails?
Stutzer: Ah. Humor. Good.

Jane: Hey, thanks for not telling I made you take the case. Lisbon? Hello?
Lisbon: Tell me the truth.
Jane: Truth. Darth Vader? Luke's father.

Red John's Friends [1.11][edit]

Minelli: Please do not dig the hole that you are standing in any deeper than you have already dug it.
Lisbon: No, sir.
Minelli: That hole is the grave of your very promising career.
Lisbon: You should put a flashlight underneath your chin just to complete the effect.
Minelli: I'm not kidding.
Lisbon: I know.

Jane: Eighteen years of secret anger. How did you stand it?
Muriel Renfrew: Nobody's life is perfect.

Minelli: I'm giving you all formal notice. Any further infractions will result in immediate suspension.
Lisbon: Sir, you might as well suspend me now because there will be further infractions.

Minelli: I gave this unit a direct written order and they have flagrantly disobeyed that order. Did they do that with your knowledge?
Lisbon: I ordered them to do it. I told them you countermanded your earlier order. They had no knowledge whatsoever that they were doing anything irregular.
Minelli: Nice try, Mother Teresa. But they already gave themselves up.
Rigsby: We never said a word-

Grace: Why do people say "Eureka!" when they do something good?
Cho: It's Greek for bingo.
Grace: Well, Eureka.

Minelli: Gardner Renfrew is a player in this town. You can't go to his house and screw around with him.
Jane: Why not? It's a free country.

Muriel Renfrew: [to Jane] Poor George dropped dead after the murder. Broke his heart, people said. George didn't really have a heart, in that sense. He died of embarrassment. A Renfrew in the pokey for murder. Quelle horreur.

Lisbon: Minelli wants me to keep a watch on you.
Jane: What are you going to do?
Lisbon: I'm not going to follow you around. Let's compromise. When you get into trouble, call me first so I can try and minimize the damage.

Lisbon: [to Jane] Just do me the favor of listening to me for a minute, so I can say "I told you so" later.

Jane: The law's the law. My desire for revenge doesn't outweigh the rules. I have to accept that.
Minelli: I'm glad you understand.
Jane: Thanks for your time.
[Jane exits]
Minelli: He's lying through his teeth, isn't he?
Lisbon: Yes.

Jared Renfrew: [to Jane] Your wife...Red John painted her toenails. Yes. Painted them with her own blood...the police didn't make that public, did they? She's the only instance he did that, huh? A touch of elegance for you alone.

Jared Renfrew: Red John is the friend of a friend of mine.
Jane: What is this friend's name?
Jared Renfrew: His name is get me out of here and I'll tell you that and much more. I'll sing like a bird.

Red Rum [1.12][edit]

Cho: Man, I thought you were going to have her cast a spell, find the murder weapon.
Jane: Oh, spell's already cast.
Cho: When did she cast it?
Jane: She didn't. I did.
Cho: You can cast spells?
Jane: Cho, there's no such thing as spells.
Cho: I know that.

Jane: Witches have the power of telekinesis. She says that she has a spell, which will raise the weapon from wherever it's been concealed, and reveal itself to us.
Michael: And you believe this evil crap?
Jane: Well, you never can tell. We're going to give it a whirl.

Jane: Tamzin, the goddess may give you solace and hope and meaning in your life. But she can't protect you from those policemen out there.

Grace: Witchcraft creeps me out.
Rigsby: It doesn't bother me. Nerds in cloaks.
Grace: There's more to it than that.
Rigsby: It's just a silly alternative lifestyle, like Star Trek or yoga.
Grace: I do yoga.

Jane: They should wait 10 minutes, then go in.
Lisbon: Why wait?
Jane: Let the plot develop, let the fruit ripen, let the yeast rise, etcetera.

Michael: You don't speak to my son, without my permission.
Jane: Oh, well that's a little weird and controlling, but okay. Do you mind if I speak to your son, Mr. Elkins?

Jane: Must be tough being Cody Elkins' little brother.
Brad: No. Well, yeah, sometimes.
Jane: Me? I'd hate it. He gets all the attention, the glory, the girls flocking around, for what? For running and jumping and catching a thing?
Brad: Yeah, monkeys could do that.
Jane: Yeah.
Brad: Monkeys could do it better.
Jane: You know, if monkeys played football, they would kick some serious jock butt.

Brad: Go away.
Jane: I can't. I wish I could. It's my job to hound people until I get the truth.

Jane: Relax. No such thing as witches.
Cho: [to himself] Yeah, it's easy for you to say. Weird witch-lady didn't burn you an effigy and bind you to her power.

Cho: Why did you give her my name? She said I was going to kneel before the Lord of Beasts. What does that even mean?
Jane: Oh, come on, you're not telling me you believe she's an actual witch?
Cho: No, of course not. But, I mean if dark forces did exist, stands to reason that there could be people who control them for their own ends.
Jane: They're called investment bankers.

Lisbon: [to Tamzin] Unfortunately it seems that one of your friends helped your magic along with a blunt instrument. In which case, you're as unmagically guilty as they are.

Coach Dieter: I chose to resign.
Rigsby: With a promise to take anger management class.
Coach Dieter: Forty-six hours worth. Bored the rage right out of me.

Rigsby: [holding a bag of carrots] What is this?
Grace: That is healthy and nutritious snacking.
Rigsby: I'm gonna die.
Grace: Well, I'm tired of the car smelling like fast food!
Rigsby: Seriously. I'm allergic to carrots! I just...(pretends to go into anephalactic shock)
Grace: Rigsby? Rigsby? Rig...Hey isn't that Cody's little brother?
Rigsby: (forgets his lie about being allergic to carrots and shoves a couple in his mouth)

Jane: [while talking to Cody's parents] I have a question. It's always bothered me. Why do they call it football? People don't really use their feet much, do they?

Cho: Look, a goat. Goats are signs of Satan.
Lisbon: So petting zoos are, like, gateways to hell?
Cho: Pretty much.

Tamzin Dove: If a friend of mine had done this, they wouldn't have pointed the police right to me with a pentacle and flame. No, Cody's murder was staged to look like wicca. Any fool in this town would think of it. It's obvious misdirection. There's a witch in town. Duh.
Jane: A witch that put a killing spell on the boy in question.
Tamzin Dove: Exactly. It's perfect.

Mrs. Elkins: How can you be so cold?
Jane: Practice.

Lisbon: [To Grace on the phone] Things are getting weird, we're off to see a witch.

Paint it Red [1.13][edit]

Jane: Hmm. That's interesting. Let's van Pelt and I go up and take a look-see.
Lisbon: You and van Pelt?
Jane: Well, she's from a small farming town, aren't you?
van Pelt: Yes, I am.
Jane: Right. Well that's what you guys call, uhh, cover.
Lisbon: What do you need cover for? You're a CBI operative.
Jane: Oh, I thought I was a "consultant"?
Lisbon: Just follow procedure. Have fun!
Jane: Where is the fun in that? Shall we?

Jane: Horrible job you found for yourself, Kathryn. Helping a greedy egotist snatch up beautiful things he has no ability to appreciate.

Jane: [to Arlov] Most successful criminal bosses show a similar profile. Sadistic, violent, but also highly methodical, they're psychologically astute.

Arlov: Are you mad?
Jane: No, just kidding. It's just a prop to get me into the room. I am aware that you have the real painting.
Arlov: Really? You are aware, and how are you aware of this?
Jane: I guessed. Confirmed by the predatory smile on your face when you asked me about it just then. You enjoy trapping people in nets of their own making, don't you?

Jane: Is that an M-16 or a Kalashnikov?
AP: [to Kathryn] Son of a bitch. There's a machine gun in my painting. How in the hell could you not notice that?

AP: [talking about the painting] $50,000,000, right there.
Jane: It's about $10,000 right there. It's a fake.
AP: The hell it is.
Jane: Fake as a $6 bill.

Jane: [talking about the painting] May I borrow it for a while?
Rob: I don't know about that. How do I know I'm going to get it back?
Jane: Let me put it another way. Lend it to me, or Agent Van Pelt here will take you and the painting back to Sacramento and keep you there and ask you mind-numbing questions for hours on end.

Lisbon: [talking about Harry] What was his previous employment?
Jane: He was a musician. Jazz guitarist.
Stevie: Yes. How did you know that?
Jane: I looked at his fingers. Guitarist fingers. Jazz with a flamenco edge, judging by the ridge on his thumb.

Frank: [about Jane] Who is this guy?
Lisbon: He's a pain in the ass, but he's making sense.

Jane: If we're lucky, we'll find a murder weapon. It was obviously a well-planned robbery.
Cho: Why is that obvious?
Jane: Nobody finds themselves in a locked room full of old masters in the middle of the night by accident, do they? So, well-planned.

Rigsby: You better call Lisbon, give her an update.
Jane: You call her.
Rigsby: I can't. I'm driving. Cho?
Cho: No way.
Jane: Oh, come on, guys. I just robbed a Russian mobster. You can't call Lisbon?

Lisbon: Where's everyone?
Grace: Weird. They all called in to sign out. Jane wasn't feeling well, Rigsby's got a hot date, and Cho got Kings tickets.
Lisbon: Son of a...
Grace: What?
Lisbon: Jane doesn't get sick, Rigsby's not on a date because he's in love with you, and the Kings aren't playing tonight.
Grace: You know about that?
Lisbon: Yeah, they're on an East Coast road trip. They're playing the Knicks tomorrow night.
Grace: No, I mean about Rigsby. How do you know about that?
Lisbon: Everybody knows about that. The attorney general knows that.

Lisbon: Just follow procedure. Have fun!
Jane: Where is the fun in that?

Jane: You and Miss Duane came up here to have sex in the boss's office.
Frank: That is absurd. Why would I do such a stupid thing?
Jane: Because it's forbidden and thus very sexy, of course, especially if you have father issues. And who doesn't? It's furtive but powerful challenge to the paternal authority.

Crimson Casanova [1.14][edit]

Lisbon: What's your normal procedure?
Fricke: After lovemaking? Depends on the type of woman.
Lisbon: So you've got it down to a science?
Fricke: I'm good at what I do.
Lisbon: Okay, Mr. Fricke, and what is it that you do?
Fricke: I'm a pickup artist. A woman whisperer, if you will.
Lisbon: A pickup artist? That's your profession?
Fricke: You sound like my mom. Um, it's more of a total lifestyle kind of thing, you know. I practice my art, of course. That's my passion. But I teach and I blog, also. Conduct seminars, workshops, that sort of thing.

[Lisbon nudges Jane, who is lying on the CBI couch, hard]
Jane: What?
Lisbon: You know damn well what. You assaulted a man.
Jane: I just tweaked him on the nose.
Lisbon: Technically, that's assault.
Jane: Technically, he's an ass. He deserved it.

Jane: [observing Cho] Kid's a natural. Look at him. The Cho. No business like Cho business.

Jane: Can't sleep alone, huh?
Fricke: Some people use cocoa and a good book. I use beautiful women.

Cho: When did you first meet Paul Fricke?
Woman: At a wine tasting event a friend was throwing.
Cho: And how long were you and he romantically involved?
Woman: Um, three, maybe four hours.

Grace: [about Mr. Wolcutt] He's also the type that would hire other people to do his dirty work.
Cho: Yes, he is. Hitmen aren't cheap and they don't take credit cards.

Cho: You didn't steal jewelery from her?
Natalie: Please. She dresses like a Mormon call girl. I wouldn't wear her jewelery if you paid me.

Jane: There's something on this side of the room you don't want us to find. What is that?
Natalie: Nothing. There's nothing.
Jane: Look me in the eye and say that.
Natalie: Whatever. Search all you want.
Jane: Nah. Too much stuff. Not very tidy. Good in bed, I expect, yeah? Messy women make good lovers.

Grace: What was she thinking? She was so beautiful and he's so creepy.
Rigsby: Yeah, Dr. Rubenstein was hot, too. How does he do it?
Jane: All you need is a basic understanding of the evolutionary psychology of women. Rigorously and fearlessly applied. You get to know what buttons to press.
Lisbon: Like we're toasters?
Grace: Like men don't have buttons, too?
Jane: Men are like toasters. Women...little more like accordions.

Grace: I say we bring him in anyway for creepiness.
Lisbon: Which should be a criminal offense but it isn't.

Lisbon: Do you keep a list of your pick-ups?
Fricke: Yeah, of course. I have it here. Names, numbers and a one to 10 grading system.
Lisbon: Nice. Something to show your grandkids.

Lisbon: Jill Rubenstein, what's your connection with her?
Fricke: The doctor lady? I met her in the parking lot and asked her for help.
Lisbon: A complete stranger takes you to her room, treats your wound and then has sexual intercourse with you?
Fricke: What can I say? The Hippocratic oath is a beautiful thing.

Mr. Wolcutt: I can make one phone call and your career is toast.
Cho: [decidedly unimpressed] That's impressive. The best I can get with one call is a pizza.

Jane: [He looks Fricke straight in the eyes] Do you know who killed Claire?
Fricke: [Emphatically] No.
Jane: Interesting. He is either a habitual liar telling the truth, or he's an honest man lying.

Scarlett Fever [1.15][edit]

Victor: I wanna thank you and your team. Although, I must admit that whole scene in front of the house--
Oscar: It was make-believe, dad.
Victor: Sorry. The make-believe was a bit unorthodox and unpleasant, but I'm sure you all know what you're doing.
Lisbon: Most of the time.

Jane: I do hate when people say thank you.
Rigsby: Why?
Lisbon: He likes to play the Lone Ranger. Who was that masked man? I never got the chance to thank him.
Jane: Exactly.

Rigsby: You think about older women?
Cho: Where's this coming from? I don't think about older women. My mother's an older woman.
Rigsby: Not old, old. Just older, you know, older than you.
Cho: Why are you asking? You're not trying to set me up with somebody, are you?

[Rigsby is looking at a lipstick which is part of the evidence]
Cho: If you're thinking of trying that on, don't. Not your shade.

Rigsby: Poison and a message in lipstick says this murder was done by a woman. Women have no secrets from other women.
Jane: Well, unless it was a cunning man posing as a woman.
Rigsby: What you think?
Jane: No.

Cho: Judge's clerk says we won't get a search warrant for Scarlett's safe until tomorrow morning, then we'll go in and tear the place apart. [Rigsby gives him a look to remind him that Asra is present] Oh, sorry.
Rigsby: You didn't hear that, it's confidential.
Mandy: Confidential? Oh, of course.
Rigsby: Now seriously, don't tell anyone. Okay?
Mandy: I understand. May I leave now?
Rigsby: Yeah, 'course.
[Asra leaves]
Rigsby: [walks over to Cho] Not bad. Delivery's a little wooden.
Cho: Wooden? Me? Yeah, and you're Marlon Brando.

[After receiving paninis from a suspect]
Cho: What's in the sandwiches?
Rigsby: It's a panini, if you don't mind. It's, er, ham and cheese.
Cho: [as Rigsby takes a bite] And who knows what else?

Grace: Boss?
Lisbon: Hmm?
Grace: I've been here nearly six months now, half a year.
Lisbon: What do you want? Half a cake?
Grace: I want to take the lead on this interview.
Lisbon: [she pauses] Okay.
Grace: Okay?
Lisbon: Yeah, sure.
Grace: Thanks, boss.

Bloodshot [1.16][edit]

Jane: This blind thing really works. Without my vision, I can tune into my other senses much more clearly.
Lisbon: That's great. Let me go make you a superhero costume. What do you want to be called?
[Jane puts his hand on her shoulder, and feels up the side of her neck]
Lisbon: What are you doing?
Jane: I wanna know what your face feels like when you’re smiling.

Jane: I’m still convinced there’s a connection between Medina and me, so before you make me that superhero costume I’m looking forward to, could you take me to visit with his widow?
Lisbon: Maybe.
Jane: Thank you. And incidentally, you’re smelling particularly good today. [Lisbon rolls her eyes and walks away] Is that cinnamon in the mix there somewhere? Lisbon? [He reaches out to see if she’s still there]

Jane: But first, could someone please make me a cup of tea?
[Lisbon, Cho and Van Pelt all get up and walk away]
Jane: Is that a yes? [Sniffs a few times] Rigsby.

Dan Hollenbeck: I didn't know you were from Iowa. Famous potatoes, right?
Grace: That's Idaho you ignorant jerk.
Dan Hollenbeck: Oh, yeah? What's Iowa famous for?
Jane: Gullible women.
Grace: That's not fair.

[Talking about Jane]
Lisbon: He needs to go to a hospital. He has to go if you order him to.
Minelli: I could, but someone did try to kill him, remember? We can protect him better here. At less expense.
Jane: Thanks, Virgil.
Minelli: Okay. But this is a favor. If you die in this department, I'm responsible. I do all the paperwork. In fact if he does die for whatever reason, move him to a public area, would you? I'd be very grateful.
Jane: I hope he's smiling.

Jane: Holding something of James' would help me pick up a feel for him. Get a sense of his being.
Mrs. Medina: Okay. Excuse me. [She leaves the room]
Jane: Thank you.
Lisbon: "Sense of his being"? What are you playing at?
Jane: Just go with it. I have to practice this touchy-feely stuff. It's been a while.
Lisbon: You're not gonna be blind forever.
Jane: No, right. Because bad stuff like this doesn't happen nearly as often as people think it does.

[Lisbon and Rigsby are looking for a suspect at a nightclub]
Club Doorman: You, little miss fierce, can come in. Lose the backup dancer. He's too, too butch.
[Lisbon shows him her badge]
Lisbon: Get lost, fluffy.

Lisbon: How long will his vision be affected?
Dr. Fuller: It's hard to say, really. The body's healing powers are unpredictable. But 48 to 72 hours is the norm. We must wait and see, so to speak.
Jane: Ha, humor. Great. Everybody loves a witty doctor in times of trouble.

Minelli: Another bomb threat. Third this year.
Jane: Not on my phone it isn't.
Minelli: Well, granted they don't usually come through the CBI, but that's what the drills are for.
Jane: The text read, "Are you smart enough to find it?" I think this was directed at me.
Lisbon: Of course you think this is about you.

[Talking about Grace]
Rigsby: Who kissed her?
Jane: Didn't catch his name.
Rigsby: It's probably that knucklehead from payroll. He's been stalking her like a chicken. What did this man look like?
[Jane get a text on his phone and he leaves in a hurry]
Cho: How do you stalk a chicken?
Rigsby: You know what I'm talking about.

Grace: Hey. Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?
Jane: No.
Grace: Yes, you are.
Jane: They've had enough of me. Officer Powell here was kind enough to give me a ride back.
Grace: Well. Thank you...I guess.

Rigsby: Jane, I need to ask you a favor. I need you to, uh...I need you to find out from Van Pelt about this guy she's dating. You know, what's the score?
Jane: The score?
Rigsby: Is it serious? Are they, uh, you know?
Jane: Ask her yourself.
Rigsby: Yeah, right. No. Come on. You know the situation. It's against the rules, relationships between coworkers.
Jane: What are you, a man or a mouse?
Rigsby: A man, obviously.
Jane: Could've fooled me.
Rigsby: If it's that guy from payroll, I will kill him.
Jane: Well, that would be a strong, romantic statement. Women like a man that would kill for them. Hey, Van Pelt!
Rigsby: Don't!

Jane: Grace, personal question. Rigsby and I were wondering, uh...who is this man you were kissing by the coffee cart?
Grace: That's...that's none of your business.
Jane: Not from payroll?
Grace: Payroll? No, he doesn't even work here. It's none of your business.
Jane: Well, thank heavens for that, at least. No killing needed.
Rigsby: Don't be so sure.
Jane: You'll see. Honesty's best.
Rigsby: Yeah, honestly, I'd like to kick your butt right now.

Lisbon: What the hell?
Jane: Oh, doctor's orders. She said it was the best thing for me to do, get back to work.
Lisbon: She did not. She said you insulted the entire ward and were a complete pain in the ass.
Jane: Nah. So?
Lisbon: So, you can't do that.
Jane: What was I supposed to do, just sit there and listen to television? Besides, the food was terrible.
Lisbon: You need the rest.
Jane: I need to work.
Lisbon: You're blind.
Jane: It's no problem, honestly. My other senses are heightened. They're super heightened. I'm like Daredevil. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Lisbon: Okay.
[Jane walks off and almost hits a column]
Jane: Ah, heightened.

Jane: Oh, please don't look at each other like that.
Lisbon: Like what? You can't see.
Jane: I can feel. I can feel your pity.

[Lisbon pinches Jane]
Jane: Ow !
Lisbon: I'll do worse if you don't stop mouthing off to people who are trying to help you.
Jane: You pinched me.
[Cho enters]
Cho: How is he?
Lisbon: Guess what, he's a bad patient.
Cho: Who would've thought.
Jane: I'm not a bad patient. She's a bad visitor.

Carnelian, Inc. [1.17][edit]

Jane: You're very confident of his innocence. How can you be so sure?
Jessie Skelling: Because I asked him if he did it and he said no, he didn't do it.
Jane: You suspected he might indeed have done it. But he denied it. You believe him.
Jessie Skelling: Lee don't lie to me. He'll cause me trouble a hundred which ways, but he don't lie to me.
Jane: Wives often say that about their husbands. Easy to fool yourself that the people you love are honest.

Lisbon: I know. I can read your mind.
Jane: Oh, you can?
Lisbon: You're thinking Mr. Skelling is innocent and we should release him. [Calls out to Cho] Cho.
Jane: That's amazing. That's exactly what I was thinking. How do you do that? Let me try. You're thinking, Jane is right, the man is innocent, we should let him go.
Lisbon: No. I think you want him to be innocent because his guilt would be too simple. He has a motive, opportunity and no alibi.
Jane: Yeah.

Lisbon: Any word on Skelling?
Rigsby: Couple potential sightings in the Mount Whitney area. Locals and park services are all over it. We'll get him
Jane: I doubt it. Skelling's in his element up there. His survivalist fantasy come true. He's gone aground like a grizzly bear.

Lisbon: There is an explosive device of some kind under your bed.
Mr. Faulk: Oh my god. [He starts to get up from his bed]
Lisbon: Wait.
Mr. Faulk: Wait?
Lisbon: Just let me get a better look. [Looks under the bed] No, I don't think there's a pressure trigger. You can get up now.
Mr. Faulk: You don't think?
Lisbon: I'm sure it doesn't. Timer's set to go off in 10 minutes, so we have plenty of time. If you'll just get out of the bed slowly. We don't wanna jar the device in anyway.
Jane: Boom!
[Both Lisbon and Faulk look at him startled]
Lisbon: For God's sakes!
Jane: Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Mr. Faulk: You have no legal proof whatsoever.
Jane: Meh. Legal proof will be found, no doubt, but personally I don't need it. I just like to know that I'm right.

[It's dark outside, Jane is driving and Lisbon is sitting next to him with her eyes closed]
Jane: Talk to me.
Lisbon: Do I have to?
Jane: No, I can just fall asleep and we can drift into oncoming traffic. Your call.
Lisbon: [She opens her eyes and sighs] Have you seen any good movies lately?
Jane: No. You?
Lisbon: No.
Jane: Interesting.

Lisbon: You threw a cat, all right. What valuable insight did you glean as a result?
Jane: Nothing. It's a little disappointing.
Lisbon: Well, maybe, just maybe, this case is exactly what it looks like. Bitter unsubs with a grudge against the fat cats.
Jane: Nice drive though.
Lisbon: Nice three hour drive.

Jane: We should talk to the Carnelian executives again. Throw a cat among the pigeons.
Lisbon: You think? Why?
Jane: What if this is not what it looks like it's about. What if it's something else entirely.
Lisbon: Like?
Jane: I don't know.
Lisbon: So you're suggesting we throw a blind cat among the pigeons?
Jane: Yeah.
Lisbon: No.
[Jane laughs and leaves her office]

Jessie Skelling: I can't even look at you people, you make me so mad. Lee's done nothing. Nothing.
Jane: Jessie, if your husband is innocent then we're your best friends. We'll prove he's innocent. Will you help us?

Lisbon: Jessie Skelling?
Jessie Skelling: No, I'm Cindy Crawford. Jessie's on vacation in Mexico.

Mr. Faulk: David would want us to continue.
Mr. Breamer: Yes, he would. Yes, he would. David would never back down.
Jane: David wouldn't want you to respectfully acknowledge his tragic and untimely death? Oh, well, okay. He wouldn't want it to interfere with your kayaking schedule.

Jane: Wait. I think we should wait.
Lisbon: What for? What could possibly happen?
Jane: I have no idea, but it's a pleasant spot, and I have sandwiches.

Jane: Where is it?
Lisbon: Mojave Desert. Middle of nowhere. Quarter of a mile from the highway.
Jane: Interesting.
Lisbon: Boring. Three hours away.
Jane: Desert's beautiful this time of year. Let's all go. We can bring a picnic lunch.
Lisbon: Someone has to stay and answer the phones.
[Grace sits down at her desk, disappointed as everyone else leaves the room]

[A guy is walking around the CBI office with a paper in his hand]
Cho: He's from the A.G's office. We're catching a hot one.
Jane: Hooray. I was about to go mad with boredom.
Grace: Don't say hooray. Someone's died.
Jane: Well, if they have, my happiness makes no difference to them.
Grace: Nor does catching their killer for that matter.
Jane: True, but it makes a difference to the killer.

[In the Mojave Desert]
Jane: Look what I found.
Lisbon: What is it?
Jane: It's a worm, fossilized worm.
Lisbon: I'm happy for you.
Cho: Alright, this is it. This is the spot.
Rigsby: 11:04 and change. Right on time.
Lisbon: For what?
Cho: There's still 15 seconds to go.
Jane: You know, when this worm was alive, this whole desert was the floor of a great sea. There were dinosaurs swimming above us.
Rigsby: That is kind of awesome.
Jane: Yeah.
[Jane throws the worm to Cho]
Jane: Sharks the size of buses, brilliantly colored sea monsters. Those mountains, they would have been volcanoes.
[Cho examines the worm]
Cho: This is a goat turd about six months old.

Jane: Really, you don't trust me?
Lisbon: Of course not. How many times have you lied to me, misled me, tricked me? Is that trust? No.
Jane: Well, we have to remedy this. Let's do a trust fall.
Lisbon: A trust fall?
Jane: Yeah. I'm sure you did one on your CBI retreat. It's when you turn around and fall backward, and I catch you.
Lisbon: Oh, yes, we did do that.
Jane: Mm-hmmm.
Lisbon: No.
Jane: You won't?
Lisbon: We have a long drive still.
Jane: Ah. Here we have two co-workers recognizing the boundaries of their professional relationship. See, you want to trust me, but there's something holding you back.
Lisbon: Yes. You're untrustworthy. It's my job not to trust you.
Jane: Lisbon, I want you to know that you can trust me. No matter what happens, I will be there for you. I will. I need you to know that.

Lisbon: What's in the bag?
Jane: Oh. A picnic lunch.
Lisbon: What's in the bag?
Jane: A bomb.
Lisbon: Ha ha ha. What's in the bag? Seriously.
Jane: Seriously. A bomb.

Russet Potatoes [1.18][edit]

Rigsby: He's lying.
Jane: Is he?
Rigsby: Given that the girl he dragged in is not actually a bag of spuds like he says, then yeah.
Jane: It's not lying if he believes it.
Rigsby: True.

Cho: Yeah, you took down a 100-pound woman. Put in that context, you did good.
Rigsby: What do you mean, in that context?
Lisbon: In the context of someone letting himself get hypnotized, nearly throwing his colleague off a building and then finally being able to overpower a small, crazy woman to retrieve the situation, you did good.

Lisbon: We better go pick up Daniel.
Jane: If we walk, you can burn some case-closed pizza calories.
Lisbon: Ha, ha. Cute.

Rigsby: Oh, I've been hypnotized, have I? You gonna make me do embarrassing things? Pretend I'm Tina Turner or something?
Jane: You wanna be like Tina Turner?

Lisbon: Carl is still our prime suspect in this. We can't use him a bait.
Jane: Well, as long as we don't lose him or break him, then what's the problem?

Lisbon: This case is closed. You're just seeing suggestion everywhere, Jane. You're too suggestible.
Jane: Hmm.
Lisbon: Oh, right. Too much of a control freak for that?
Rigsby: Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, pot. [Lisbon gives him a look]

[Jane is trying to convince everyone else that Rigsby is hypnotized]
Jane: Deeply hypnotized subjects are very suggestible and have very little inhibition. Rigsby, do me a favor. Close your eyes. Please. [Rigsby closes his eyes] Now, relax. Don't tell me, but think about it. Think about what you most wanna be doing right now. You can do anything you like in the whole world. What are you gonna do? I want you to open your eyes and do it.
[Rigsby opens his eyes, gets up and kisses Grace]
Jane: Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
Cho: Huh.
Lisbon: Okay, he's hypnotized.

Jane: Hypnosis is just a way to connect to the imagination rather than the conscious mind. The mind will accept whatever the imagination creates, however bizarre.
Lisbon: Hypnotism is what you use against my explicit orders to get witnesses to tell the truth. It's a little different than convincing somebody that a dead girl is a sack of vegetables.
Jane: Different in scale.

[Talking about Carl Resnik who's been hypnotized]
Jane: He's all soft and squishy and malleable.
Lisbon: Well, can you fix him? Lift the trance, make him remember what happened?
Jane: I could try but without knowing the trigger it would be like you and me playing Marco Polo in the Atlantic. Take forever and you get all pruny. Easier just to find the hypnotist and ask him.

Lisbon: What's NLP?
Lindsay Hendricks: Neurolinguistic programming.
Jane: Well, sneaky ways to influence people doesn't sound quite as catchy.

[Rigsby pretends that he doesn't remember kissing Grace when he was hypnotized]
Jane: Coward.
Rigsby: What?
Jane: You honestly don't remember it?
Rigsby: Don't remember what?
Cho: He remembers.
Lisbon: He so remembers.
Rigsby: What?
Jane: It'll come to you.

Dr. Daniel: You're ambitious, more than you let anyone see. A girl from nowheresville, desperate to make it big, but you're worried that you'll always be smalltown, smalltime, you haven't got what it takes, and that's why you're so shut down to everything but this job.
Grace: Dr. Daniel, no offense, but I've been working with Patrick Jane for nine months now. You wanna get under my skin, you're gonna have to up your game.

A Dozen Red Roses [1.19][edit]

Felicia Scott: I hope that she finds happiness. Because happiness is so hard to find. Once you find it, you've gotta hang on tight, or you will lose it.
Jane: That's true.

Jane: You know what I predict?
Lisbon: Nope.
Jane: Guess.
Lisbon: Just tell me.
Jane: No, I think you should guess, it's good for you. (Lisbon gives him a look.) I predict that Brandon Fulton will pay a visit to the Hanson residence this evening.
Lisbon: You think? Wouldn't be too clever.
Jane: Love is not blind, but it's often pretty stupid.

[Talking about Felicia Scott]
Jane: Whoo. She was some woman. Make the mighty agent Lisbon blush like a school girl.
Lisbon: Please, I did not.

Jane: Oh, Mitch, I thought we'd worked through your doormat issues. [To Lisbon] Tell Cho to squeeze him a little, he knows things.
Mitch: No, I don't.
Jane: Sure you do, Mitch.
Lisbon: You're not gonna like getting squeezed by Cho.

Jane: What is it that first attracted you to your husband? Not his looks.
Felicia Scott: Oh, really?
Jane: Yeah, really. He's not your type.
Felicia Scott: And what is my type?
Jane: Oh, ah, sporty bad boys with a hidden masochistic streak.
Felicia Scott: Aha.
Jane: Not too bright.
Felicia Scott: Not even close.
Jane: No, that was a bull's eye.

Lisbon: What do you think?
Jane: Oh, he's lying. They had an argument. You go out to celebrate with the man that financed your movie and only pay half the dinner bill?

Lisbon: Do you own a gun, Gabriel?
Gabriel Fanning: No. I like guns, but I'm afraid of blowing my own head off.

[After Jane lets go of two street performers without Cho's authorizatio])
Cho: Nice. I could arrest you for that.
Jane: You'll never take me alive, copper.
Cho: Seriously.
Jane: Seriously, it's Marilyn and Charlie. What, do you want to make a comedy arrest, see your name written in the weird news section?

Red Sauce [1.20][edit]

Jane: Yeah, you guys go find out. I'll find the couch. [Stands up and turns around] Oh, there it is.

Jane: I'm not saying you knew about the affair, I'm just saying that if you did, you'd be our prime suspect. Funny when your best defense is your apparent lack of the most basic detective skills.
Marshal Exley: You little son of a bitch.
Cho: Easy.
Jane: I'm sorry. I'm just thinking aloud. No offense.
Marshal Exley: Yeah, right. No offense.
Jane: None taken.

[Talking about the whereabouts of a mafioso Sonny Battaglia]
Jane: Palm Desert right here in California?
Lisbon: No.
Jane: Palm Desert's not in California?
Lisbon: No, you can't sneak off and talk to Sonny Battaglia.
Jane: Oh, I thought you meant Palm Desert wasn't in California. It is in California, right?

Jane: Thanks for your time, Mr. Battaglia. See you later.
Sonny Battaglia: Hey, wait a minute. I'm not finished talking with you yet.
Jane: I'm finished talking with you.
Sonny Battaglia: What are you, Al Pacino all of a sudden? People don't act that way with me.
Jane: I do when there's witnesses around.
Sonny Battaglia: What are we gonna do with this guy? He's got a screw loose.
Jane: You think you have a certain charm about you, and you do, but you live by oppression. In reality you're just a greedy, twisted little sadist.
Sonny Battaglia: Hey, screw you blondie. You're lucky you helped me beat Arnold Palmer here or I'd plug you right now. To hell with the witnesses.
[Jane just waves at him]

Lisbon: What did you learn?
Jane: She's scared. She's of Italian descent. She bites her nails. She doesn't like pets or pineapple.
Lisbon: Useful stuff.

Kid: Yeah, screw the cops.
Jane: Even for a midget villain like yourself, that's an untenable position. Every modern society has some kind of police force. It's like saying, screw the public transport system.

Rigsby: Teenagers. I hate questioning teenagers. It's like talking to mud.
Jane: You need some love in your heart.
Rigsby: Oh, is that my problem.
Jane: Yeah, it is.

Lisbon: Any money go missing lately?
Playland owner: Nope. And I keep tabs, trust me.
Jane: And why should we trust you?
Playland owner: It's just a phrase, like "you know".
Jane: What do I know?
Playland owner: No. You don't know anything I'm saying it's just a thing to say.
Jane: Oh, it's a figure of speech.
Playland owner: Right.
Jane: So we shouldn't trust you, really.
Playland owner: Yeah. No, you should.

[Jane has guessed what Rigsby and Van Pelt got Lisbon for her birthday]
Cho: Okay, two for two. How about mine?
Jane: Cho. [Cho hands Lisbon a present and Jane covers his eyes]
Lisbon: That's sweet, thank you.
Jane: I got it.
Lisbon: Okay. [Opens the present] Okay, what is it?
Jane: It's a mid- to high- end bottle of... wine-- aah, no, no, no. Champagne.
Lisbon: Yes.
Jane: Yup, there I go. [whispering to Cho] Re-gift?
Cho: It's a really good bottle. I don't drink it.

Jane: Do I detect a slight residue of grumpiness in you demeanor?
Lisbon: No.
Jane: I swear to you, Lisbon, your gift is on its way.
Lisbon: I am not grumpy and I don't give a damn about your supposed gift.
Jane: [To Rigsby] She's still grumpy with me, isn't she?
Rigsby: Not touching that.

[It's Lisbon's birthday and everyone else has given her a gift except Jane]
Grace: Where's your gift?
Jane: Oh, it's on its way. [Rigsby laughs]
Lisbon: Typical.
Jane: You really think that I would forget your birthday present? [Lisbon nods] It's on its way.
Lisbon: Yeah, right.
Jane: Little grumpy because daddy didn't buy you a pony?

Jane: Look at it this way. We've closed yet another case.
Lisbon: Toying with mafia bosses is no way to close cases, it's stupid.
Jane: Meh. You just trying to find fault. And I know why.
Lisbon: Oh, really?
Jane: You're still a little grumpy about the birthday present thing.
Lisbon: Will you leave that alone?
Jane: Unbelievable. You've got no reason to be grumpy anymore. [He puts a red bow on Lisbon's office door. She opens the door and finds a pony standing in her office. Lisbon smiles and is lost for words]

Miss Red [1.21][edit]

Jane: Oh, and thank you.
Lisbon: For what?
Jane: For just letting us play it out like this.
Lisbon: Nah. We would have had to let her go on the murder charge anyway. Nothing to keep her on until we get proof. Besides, this is a simple plan. It's when you start getting costumes and props that I get nervous.

[Jane and Cho are arresting Brooke Harper]
Jane: My friend Cho here will now take you by the wrist so as not to let you escape us again.
Cho: [Grasps her wrist, gently] Hi.
Brooke Harper: Warm hands.
Jane: I bet you say that to all your arresting officers.

[Brooke Harper is trying to open a locker when Jane and Cho come up from behind her]
Jane: Hello, gorgeous.
Brooke Harper: Beat it, creep.
Jane: I'd call you by your real name, but I don't know what it is.
Brooke Harper: [Turns around and sees Jane] Hello, Mr. Jane.
Jane: Hi.
Brooke Harper: I'm impressed.
Jane: Oh, for finding you? Wasn't that difficult.
Brooke Harper: Would you have a cigar?
Jane: Thank you, no. I hear they're not so good for your health.
Brooke Harper: Well, who wants to live forever?
Jane: It'd be horrible, wouldn't it? Immortality. Imagine the boredom.

Jane: Yes, this is also the key to a locker that holds ten million dollars.
Brooke Harper: Really? I thought it was for cigars. I love a good cigar.
Jane: Nope. Ten million dollars.
Brooke Harper: But that's just silly. Why would Jim keep ten million dollars in a locker?
Jane: [To Cho] She's good.
Cho: Yeah, she is.

Brooke Harper: How did you find me?
Jane: Well, let's make a deal. I'll tell you how we found you if you tell us who you are.
Brooke Harper: Okay. [With a British accent] My name is Angela Dalibar and I'm from Birmingham, England by way of Hong Kong. How did you find me?
Jane: I planted a GPS tracking device on you. Outstanding technology. No bigger than a stick of gum.
Cho: Tell us more about yourself Angela. How long have you been a professional con woman?
Brooke Harper: All my life, I suppose. [She drops the British accent] And I confess, my name's not really Angela.
Jane: And I didn't plant a GPS tracking device on you.

Rick Bregman: Six months of living in that chair. Six months and no one ever questioned me about it. Why did you?
Jane: Whenever I meet someone in a wheelchair I check the bottoms of their shoes. The bottoms of your shoes were scuffed. I've been checking shoes for years. This is the first time it's ever paid off. First time. That's gratifying, man. Very, very gratifying.
Lisbon: Ah, he's a pistol, isn't he?

Brooke Harper: See you around, Patrick.
Agent Hayes: I'll doubt you'll be seeing much of anybody for a few years.
Jane: Uh, I don't know about that, agent Hayes. She's very good at what she does.

Jane: That urge you have to get one over on people, the need to be smarter than the next guy? It'll keep biting you on the ass.
Brooke Harper: So my butt'll hurt occasionally. I'll still be smarter than the next guy.

Lisbon: Chewing-gum plays. I can already see my hair with a big chunk out of it.
Jane: You'd look good with short hair. Choppy, all kind of Peter Pan. Good for the eyes.

Lisbon: Train station. It had to be a train station.
Jane: What's wrong with a train station?
Lisbon: People, noise, tunnels, trains. More people.

Jane: Make much money, playing the keyboards?
Keith Gulbrand: No, but I'm not in it for the money. You know, music is's a spiritual thing.
Jane: Yeah, it is. So is money. Everything that exists has a spiritual essence. Or not at all.

Jane: When was the last time you saw a doctor's handwriting you could read?
Lisbon: So she's precise. Is that what you're implying?
Jane: Yes, and the possibility that Dr. Brooke Harper is not a doctor.
Lisbon: Because she has penmanship skills?
Jane: And she doesn't have that cold, creepy, doctor-y vibe they all have.

Rigsby: Be fair. Not all the Doctors are cold and creepy.
Jane: First day in Medical School they get a stack of books and a dead human being. That, I'm afraid, would change you. Brooke Harper was warm and emotional.
Lisbon: You like her so she can't be a Doctor.
Jane: Pretty much.

Blood Brothers [1.22][edit]

Marshall Winston: CBI! CBI! Like that's supposed to mean something!
Cho: Yeah, we do need better brand awareness.

Rigsby: I hate the woods.
Cho: Would you rather be playing desk jockey with Van Pelt right now?
Rigsby: Who sends their kids to a place like this? It's not cheap either.
Cho: A little deprivation and discipline is good for the soul.
Rigsby: Yeah, but this is like a juvie prison camp.
Cho: No. This is like spring break in Cancun compared to juvie.
Rigsby: Wait, you were in juvenile hall? Seriously?
Cho: Yeah, didn't you read my file?
Rigsby: No. Wait, did you read mine?
Cho: Of course.

Lisbon: I hope you got something useful for all the trouble you caused.
Jane: Yes, I did. The story of the mad axeman Zachariah, who lives in these here woods.
Lisbon: Ah, Z.
Jane: Yes, Z. I would have gotten more, but you came back too quickly.
Lisbon: Reality check. I'm your supervising agent. I'm not your decoy.

Chief Brody: Do you have any actual facts?
Jane: Well, it's an actual fact that you dislike Mr. MacLean here because he's a tree-hugging, liberal wacko who's probably running some kind of a cult. And he dislikes you because you're a small-minded, provincial hayseed. Not that you are necessarily. That's just what he thinks.

[One of the students has gone missing]
Lisbon: We should start looking in the woods around the school.
Jane: Oh, that sounds horribly tedious. Shout if you need me.
Lisbon: Go ahead, relax. Enjoy yourself. God forbid you should do anything tedious.

Jane: Who's Zachariah?
Mr. Maclean: Who?
Jane: Zachariah?
Mr. Maclean: Never heard of him. Who is he?
Jane: Liar.
Mr. Maclean: Liar?
Jane: Pants on fire. They're ablaze.
Mr. Maclean: I wanna cooperate with you people, but this man is trying to...I don't know what he's trying to do, but I resent it.

Jane: Excuse me, what kind of tree is this?
Chief Brody: Couldn't say.
Jane: Smells good. So you're not a local?
Chief Brody: Born five miles down the road, just don't give a crap about trees.

Mr. MacLean: I think you might show a little more respect.
Jane: Respect for...?
Chief Brody: There's a dead child here.
Jane: Yes, yes, he's dead. He doesn't care how I talk to you.

Red John's Footsteps [1.23][edit]

Lisbon: Why so cruel?
Jane: Statistically, it's dad that did it.
Lisbon: Since when do you care about statistics?
Jane: Just wanted to raise his pulse a little.

Jane: Do you always follow your husband's lead? Do you never struggle against his desire to control?
Mr. Plaskett: Excuse me?
Jane: Just because you drink too much doesn't mean you don't have a say. I should think he's at least half the reason you drink in the first place. Yeah? A good man, but cold, pious.
Mr. Plaskett: You know, possession of that badge does not excuse you from acting with human decency.

[Jane is interrogating a suspect]
Jane: Please understand something. I have a very personal interest in this case. I'll do whatever it takes. I will have you framed for murder. I will torture you, I will kill you myself if I have to.
[Lisbon and Minelli are listening on the other side of the glass]
Minelli: Geez, Lisbon. Come on, this is on tape. Control your man there.
Lisbon: Cut him some slack. Look, he's just playing the guy. He doesn't mean it.
Minelli: Doesn't he? You know what Red John does to him. He can't think straight. He would do all that he said and more if you let him.
Lisbon: I won't let him.

Jane: If we catch Red John, he's not walking anywhere. He's mine.
Lisbon: Don't talk like that. I can't let you anywhere near this case if you start talking crazy like that.
Jane: Crazy? You're crazy if you think you're gonna stop me. Red John is mine. You try to stand in my way and you will regret it.
Lisbon: Are you threatening me?
Jane: No, I'm just saying that if you stand in my way you--
Lisbon: [interrupting] I've had it with your egotistical crap. This isn't about justice or the law. This is about you and your wounded pride. I'm done with it. Judge Tahoe, 288 Wispering lane? (goes to walk away) If he JayWalks...shoot him!

Lisbon: We still have Hardy, okay? He's gonna tell us what we need to know.
Jane: Oh, you think so? You should have waited. We agreed on that.
Lisbon: What if Hardy had killed you right here?
Jane: He would have led you straight to Red John.
Lisbon: You'd be dead.
Jane: But you would have Red John.
Lisbon: I don't think you mean what you say. I think you'd choose life.
Jane: Well, you think wrong.
Lisbon: No. No, you think wrong. Can't you see there's people who care about you? Who need you? You're being selfish and childish and I want you to stop it.
Jane: I wish that I could, but, you know, some things you just can't fix.

Season 2[edit]

Redemption [2.1][edit]

[Bosco has been given the Red John case]
Jane: What do you know about the case?
Bosco: Not much. He's a serial killer, 15 victims, including your wife and child. I can imagine your pain. Maybe that pain is clouding your judgment.
Jane: Well... [He leaves the room]
Lisbon: And me, Sam? What's clouding my judgment?
Bosco: Good question. You tell me.

[Talking about the aftermath of Jane solving a case]
Minelli: A dead suspect, quarter-million dollars worth of damages, formal complaints of misconduct from the SPD and the Modesto city council!
Lisbon: Those damages were way padded.

Minelli: [to Jane] Ever since the Tanner incident, you've been runnin' way too hot. I fear a terminal screw up is coming.
Lisbon: That's not gonna happen. I can handle him.
Minelli: Can you? Maybe since he saved your life, you're going easy on him. Maybe you feel compelled to cut him some slack.
Lisbon: No, sir. That is absolutely not the case.

Jane: Candice, take my advice. Forgive your mother. Maybe the headaches will stop.
Candice: I love my mother.
Jane: Oh, I'm wrong. Ignore my advice.

[Jane's meeting with Bosco]
Jane: Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not happy I'm off the Red John case. You might be right. Here's the thing Sam, if I may. I know this case. I can be a very good resource for you if we could just come to some kind of understanding.
Bosco: You want me to keep you up-to-date on the case?
Jane: Yeah... sure.
Bosco: Tell you about fresh leads and so?
Jane: Yeah, let's just keep an open line of communication.
Bosco: Let me communicate this to you. You're a party entertainer. A clown. Fresh leads? I wouldn't tell you where the bathroom is if your ass was on fire.
Jane: [laughs]
Bosco: Do we have a good understanding now?
Jane: I understand you. It may take you some time to understand me.
Bosco: You're filled with equal parts of self-loathing and self-love. You're addicted to control, you're terrified of confinement. Your wife wanted you to quit psychic trade. She begged you to stop. But you were making too much money, you were having too much fun, you can still hear her pleading with you. How am I doing?
Jane: You read the interviews in my case file. You can read. Very impressive.
Bosco: Look, Patrick. I'm sorry for being so blunt with you. You're not a detective. You're a victim. (leaves)

Cho: Yeah, the door was open.
Rigsby: Uh, no, it wasn't.
Jane: AHA! Of course.
Cho: What?
Jane: Rigsby, you're right. You shouldn't be here. Let us take this. You go find the nearest library.
Rigsby: Why?
Jane: Your punishment for being a wuss is I'm not gonna tell you.
Rigsby: Oh, come on.
Jane: Nope, I'm not gonna tell you.

Jane: You're glad Bosco has the Red John case, aren't you?
Lisbon: Bosco is a good agent. He's as good as they come. It might not be such a bad thing that we're off the case for a while. We got too close.
Jane: Is that what your shrink tells you?
Lisbon: Everybody tells me that.
Jane: But your shrink did tell you that, didn't he?

Lisbon: Who's Miles Thorsen?
Jane: No one in particular.
Lisbon: This is what I'm talking about.
Jane: Oh. No, me too. You want no fuss, no mess, right? I am casting a wide, invisible net, the killer won't even know he's in it until it's too late.
Lisbon: Miles Thorsen is an invisible net?
Jane: Yes, he is.

Lisbon: No secrets, Jane. No lies, no tricks, no surprises. The truth.
Jane: Since when is that the rule?
Lisbon: Since I said so.
Jane: Or else what?
Lisbon: You're off the unit.
Jane: That's not leverage. This is my last case, remember. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm worried about how you guys would cope without me.
Lisbon: Oh, really? So we're lost without you, are we?
Jane: Well, yeah. Let's be honest here.
[Lisbon slams the car door shut right in front of Jane and gets in with Rigsby and Grace]
Lisbon: Let's go!

Lisbon: You're leaving?
Jane: Well, frankly if I can't use this job to seek some kind of personal revenge then, uh, there's not a whole lot here for me. I don't make anything better. I can't bring dead people back to life. What good do we do? We drive around California visiting unhappy people.
Grace: We're fighting evil and injustice.
Jane: And how's that going? Any progress lately?
Cho: We put bad guys away where they can't hurt people. That's good enough.
Jane: Nah. I was doing more good as a psychic. I was giving people hope at least. False hope, but hope anyway.
Lisbon: You're right. Best you leave. That way you can go back to being a full-time fraud and we can continue our useless jobs in peace.

Jane: Can I please continue working with you?
Lisbon: I thought you were quitting.
Jane: You know I didn't mean that.
Lisbon: So the job is worthwhile, is it?
Jane: Uh, it's not that. I mean, it' not that at all. It's just... I have nothing else to do.
Lisbon: No jokes. From now, there have to be boundaries.
Jane: Agreed.
Lisbon: I need to know that you can do your work and be effective without creating a mess that I have to clean up.
Jane: No mess, I swear.
Lisbon: On that basis, you can remain with the unit.
Jane: Thank you. [He hugs her]

Lisbon: How did it go with Bosco?
Jane: Good. It was, uh, it was very good. We had a frank exchange of views.
Lisbon: So he's gonna keep us in the loop?
Jane: No.
Lisbon: No?
Jane: Wouldn't direct me to the bathroom if my ass was on fire.

The Scarlet Letter [2.2][edit]

[After Minelli has reprimanded the team]
Jane: Well, I thought that went pretty well.
Lisbon: Great, yeah.
Jane: Highlight for me was definitely your speech. Passionate, articulate, strong.
Lisbon: Whatever

Lisbon: Sir, Crew and Batson manipulated us into arresting the wrong person. They bugged our offices and subverted our case. I don't think we did anything wrong. I think we should be commended.
Minelli: [nods to Jane] Congratulations. You finally got her to drink the kool-aid.

[Lisbon is in therapy]
Dr. Carmen: Do you know why counselling is mandatory for CBI agents who've been involved in a shooting?
Lisbon: Because nobody would come if it was voluntary?

[Jane and the others have used a corpse to get a confession]
Jane: We got a confession.
Minelli: Suppose you didn't. Suppose you'd been wrong. Have you any idea of the vastness of the the crap storm that would follow? It would blot out the sun.

Jane: It's lovely to meet you, doc. You're a horse's ass, but you mean well.

Jane: [Points to Dr. Steiner with a stick] And I can see what you're thinking right now.
Dr. Steiner: Uh, I was thinking that you, sir, are a bumptious fool, and I was wondering exactly what training in forensic pathology you have.
Jane: Ah, but right before that, you were wondering whether you would choose Lisbon or Van Pelt as your concubine in that little fantasy kingdom you like to go to sometimes.
Dr. Steiner: I...I do not.

Lisbon: Shall I recap the case, sleepyhead?
Jane: Kristin Marley, Lady Senator's aide, rumored romance with the senator's husband.
Lisbon: Very good.
Jane: Oh, I trained myself to hear and take in information while asleep.
Lisbon: The others told you?
Jane: Yes, they did.

Jane: [Lying on the couch] Wow. There's a stain on the ceiling that looks like Elvis, but today it looks more like a basset hound.
Cho: [Dry] Someone call the media, it's a miracle.

Lisbon: You are taking over the McAdoo interview.
Grace: I'm totally ready for that. I can get him to confess to this.
Lisbon: Yeah. Maybe. Main thing is you keep him there long enough for us to search his car. Be friendly. He thinks he is a player. He'll live it up.
Grace: What do you mean, "be friendly"?
Lisbon: Need a map?

Minelli: How did the Batson interview go?
Jane: Oh, that was very exciting.
Minelli: [To Lisbon] What did he do?
Lisbon: Nothing that can't be repaired.

Rigsby: You have any plans for tonight?
Grace: Home. TV.
Rigsby: Well...have fun.
Grace: You too. [Leaves the room]
Cho: [to Rigsby] You're gonna die alone.

Minelli: You abused a corpse to get a confession.
Jane: Used. Used a corpse. There's no "ab".

Red Badge [2.3][edit]

Jane: I didn’t see it. Of course.
Lisbon: What?
Jane: He’s in love with you.
Lisbon: Don’t be silly.
Jane: I know, hard to fathom, but... uh, there’s no accounting for taste, is there?
Lisbon: [throws a bags of donuts at Jane] Hush.

Minelli: Your finger print is on the magazine of the murder weapon. Tell me why I souldn't be throwing up in the bathroom right now?
Lisbon: It's a lab error. It must be. They're overworked and underfunded. This happened last year with the L.A.P.D. Just have them retest it. Come on! You don't think I did this?
Minelli: What I think is, I'm up to my asterisk in political quicksand.

Bosco: You know, for a cop, you made a very convincing lunatic. Jane must be proud.
Lisbon: Maybe it's not good police work, but I have to confess, I enjoyed it. Letting loose for once.
Bosco: Look, I'm glad you got cleared.
Lisbon: I'm sorry that we couldn't let you in on the plan.
Bosco: You could have, but you didn't.

[Lisbon is in therapy]
Lisbon: I didn't even pull the trigger on Tanner, Jane did. You signed off on him after one session.
Dr. Carmen: He has good mental health.
Lisbon: Now I want to see your license to practice.

Lisbon: Why can't I remember?
Jane: It's interesting isn't it?
Lisbon: Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting.
Jane: Hmm.
Lisbon: [Voice starting to break] Well, you know, th- thanks for trying. You probably have, uh, somewhere you need to go, right?
Jane: Well, I'm not gonna give up that easily.
Lisbon: [Crying] I can count on you not to tell anybody about this, right? On the team?
Jane: Oh, Lisbon, hey.
Lisbon: Jane, I just need you to leave, okay? Could you please go.
Jane: All right. It''s gonna be okay. It's gonna be fine, all right? I promise.

Lisbon: I've got six open cases. I'm testifying in two more. I don't have time...
Dr.Carmen: [interrupting] It's not as if you have anything to talk about. (Starts reading her file) Mom dead when you were 12. Three younger brothers. Abusive, alcoholic dad. Now dead also.
Lisbon: It doesn't say abusive.
Dr.Carmen: [looks at her for a few seconds] But he was. Yes.
Lisbon: This coffee tastes like crap. Seriously.

Jane: What if something bad happened and you're blocking it out?
Lisbon: I didn't kill McTeer.
Jane: Well, let me hypnotize you so we can be sure.
Lisbon: No.
Jane: Why not?
Lisbon: Because I don't want you inside my head.

[Jane has hypnotised Lisbon]
Jane: So you're going down the steps, relaxing with each step, and now you reach the bottom, the very last step, the ultimate place of calm. How are you feeling?
Lisbon: Good.
Jane: Good. You're going to remain in this relaxed trance state while we think about Tuesday night. But first, sometimes you dance to that Spice girls CD, don't you?
Lisbon: Yeah. [She smiles with her eyes closed and does a little jiggle in her chair, as if she's playing the music in her head]
Jane: I thought so. [He grins] Now, Tuesday. You can watch whole day like it's a movie. Every detail is in focus. You can zoom into any moment you want. You can fast forward, rewind. You are in total control. Okay?
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: Good. What do you see?
Lisbon: I'm finishing up the Form 41s on the Milbank case. I feel... hungry, 'cause I skipped lunch. The new guy in the mail room is hot.
Jane: Is he?
Lisbon: Yeah.
Jane: [looks a bit put out] Let's fast forward a little. Later in the day, you're about to leave CBI.
Lisbon: Van Pelt's working late. She's a hard worker. She might do well, if she manages not to sleep with Rigsby.

Minelli: [talking about Lisbon] You're worried about her. You think she might do something stupid?
Jane: Suicide? No. If she did, she wouldn't blame the bureau.
Minelli: That's not my concern at all!

Grace: So how about you give us a statement; maybe help yourself.
Howard: How 'bout you kiss me. (He leans across the table) You're pretty.
Grace: So are you, [pause, with no change in her facial expression] compared to most state prison inmates.

Dr. Carmen: What do you do for fun?
Lisbon: Fun?!
Dr. Carmen: That thing when you're not working.

Red Menace [2.4][edit]

Lisbon: [about Nina Hodge] If she followed her husband before, she could have tailed him again and killed him.
Jane: No, she didn't do it. She loved him.
Lisbon: She was a prisoner of her husbands life. She gets rid of him, gets a fresh start.
Jane: People trapped in miserable lives, always talk about escaping. Few actually do it. It's easier just to close your eyes and pretend the misery doesn't exist.

Jane: You know, you're a very good liar. Most people subconsciously signal dishonesty, but you? There's nothing. No inner conflict. Usually, that's the mark of what shrinks like to call a sociopath.
Von McBride: Well, if by "sociopath" you mean that if you cross me, I would enjoy watching you suffer pain before I kill you... then, yeah, I'm a sociopath.

Jane: You can buy logo merchandise, Sinner Saints coffee mugs, decals, beach towels. Whoa! And some various other interesting little knickknacks.
Lisbon: Nice.
Jane: Yeah. Well, if they do it, we should do it. A range of casual wear, maybe? Sensible shoes?
Lisbon: I'll get right on that.
Jane: [To himsel] Lisbon loafers.

Xander: I'm a sadist and I bore easily.
Jane: Me, I see a difficult childhood, bad parenting, a lot of torment. But I also see how that suffering gave you great powers of empathy and a strong creative side and those are the qualities you should try and nurture in yourself. Not this brutish character you try to hide behind.

Jane: Oh, it's lovely.
Lisbon: It's a crime scene.
Jane: It's a lovely crime scene.

Jane: Okay, I needed Lucas to see Felicia get arrested, you needed hard evidence to charge Felicia. So...I made it happen.
Lisbon: By making an innocent woman think she was going to prison? As if her life wasn't hard enough already.
Jane: Yes, you're right. She does deserve some justice.
Lisbon: It's good to see you care.
Jane: You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Rigsby: [On entering the lawyer's office] Jimmy marks on the door knob.
Cho: I doubt that was part of the original décor.

Cho: Talked to Van Pelt recently?
Rigsby: Yep.
Cho: Any progress?
Rigsby: Nope.

Jane: What's up, my brothers?
Lisbon: [to Von McBride] We just have one quick follow-up question for you.
McBride:[sighs] I've exceeded my quota of answering cops' questions. [Points at Jane] And my quota of crazy.

Red Scare [2.5][edit]

Deputy Fisher: (talking about Jane) What's this guy's problem?
Lisbon: That would take way too long to answer.
Rigsby: There's a man there. I think she's, you know...
Cho: Banging home with this guy.
Rigsby: No! A volunteer. A chef. And she's not — I don't know.. not yet... maybe... I think... I don't... no.
Cho: Dude, you need counseling.
Lisbon: No, it doesn't, because ghosts don't exist.
Jane: They don't exist in your mind, but if you believe they exist, then, they exist.
Lisbon: Bite me. We're done for the night.
Jane: "Bite me"?
Lisbon: It's too much?
Jane: Uh, a smidge. It worked... fine, just a little over-the-top.
Jane: You killed Foster for an old key.
Drew: I wonder what it opens.
Jane: Oh, I know what it opens.
Drew: What?
'(Jane makes a sign that his lips are sealed)
Lisbon: He's just messing with you. He's mean like that.

Black Gold and Red Blood [2.6][edit]

Lisbon: So they let you out, then?
Jane: Yes, they did. Thank you very much.
Lisbon: Had nothing to do with me.
Jane: So modest.
Lisbon: Oh, right. Bosco's so in love with me that he'll do whatever I say.
Jane: Yes. Yeah. It's a little farfetched. He does love you. How could he not? But he's not the type to bend his principles over love. So I figure it's something more concrete. You must have something on him.
Lisbon: You think?
Jane: Yes. Something he did wrong. Something very bad that you know about. Now he's not the type to steal or do drugs, so my guess? He hurt someone. He killed him. A bad guy that he couldn't catch any other way.
Lisbon: No.
Jane: Yes and you helped him do it. No. You found out after the fact and you let him off the hook because the bad guy deserved it.
Lisbon: No.
Jane: I'm touched that you would risk your career over me. That means a lot to me.
Lisbon: If you're right, and I'm not saying you are, it would mean I broke the trust of somebody I trust and respect for your sake. If it is true, I would hope in the future you would be a little more mature and responsible in your behavior.
Jane: I'm grateful and all, but let's not go crazy here.
Lisbon: I should have let you rot in jail. [both smile]

Red Bulls [2.7][edit]

Bosco: I've got to get back to the Westlakes.
Lisbon: I'd like to come with, if that's all right. I'd like to ask the Westlakes some questions about the dead guy, see if there's a connection.
Bosco: Okay.
Lisbon: [to Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt] Start digging on the Hangler case. Contact the family and set up an interview.
Bosco: And I'd like to leave Hicks here to work with your team, if that's all right with you.
Lisbon: Okay.
Bosco: Keep 'em honest.
Lisbon: Hey. Care to reframe that, Sam?
Bosco: No. They're Jane's people. They need watching.
Lisbon: I like to think of them as my people.
Bosco: Think what you like. I can't have them trying to pull some cheap stunt behind my back.
Jane: Well we have a whole range of expensive stunts if you don't like the cheap ones.

Bosco: We came in hot because we thought the kidnap victim was there.
Minelli: Mia...somebody?
Bosco: Mia Westlake. Marin County heiress. She was taken a day and half ago. Witness gave us a partial plate on the kidnapper’s car. We dug up an outstanding parking ticket to a car in Oakland. Checked the address. Found there were people inside a house that was supposed to be empty.
Minelli: And he found you there because?
Lisbon: Ah, we got a call from the coroner’s bureau. There was a report of a corpse in a house, but they were short handed. Budget cuts. So they asked us to go and check it out. My team went in the house, the corpse was there but the coroner wasn’t. So we waited.
Minelli: And everyone almost died in a hail of bullets.

Jane: She alright?
Lisbon: Yeah.
Bosco: Thank God.
Jane: Well, thank kevlar actually.
Lisbon: Hush!

His Red Right Hand [2.8][edit]

Cho: You got something, Jane?
Jane: Uh, yes, I do, uh, he's naked.
Cho: Let me write that down.

Jane: Morning, Rebecca. They look good. One of those for me? You know, it's all right to like me now. Your boss and I made up.
Lisbon: That's okay, Rebecca. I don't like him, either.
Jane: She's a liar. She loves me.
Lisbon: Yeah.... keep telling yourself that.

Meredith: [about the attack against CBI agents] Special Agent Minelli, our condolences. Would you describe your feelings at this terrible time?
Minelli: Wow, Meredith. That's -- you media guys, that's just... You know, for eight years I've put up with the idiotic questions of the media and I've never said squat. But today, I must tell you, Meredith, you've really set a new standard in horse-assery. You people have no concept of what we do. We go into dark, horrible places. Alone and afraid. And we do it with no money, broken-down vehicles, with computers that have more viruses than a $10 whore. How? Good people, and I've lost three good people today and a fourth who is in critical condition, and you ask me how I'm feeling. I'm feeling sad, you moron. Any other questions?

Lisbon: You lost a lot of blood. They don't think you're going to make it!
Bosco: Then I have to say this! I love you, Theresa!
Lisbon: (blushes and whispers) I love you too!
Bosco: (thinking that she thinks he means as friends) No, I LOVE you!
Lisbon: (starts crying as she squeezes) I know what you mean!

A Price Above Rubies [2.9][edit]

Jane: This is beautiful. [places the crown on Lisbon's head]

Jane: So is it usual that your uncle is here after closing?
Tom Doverton: He's not our uncle exactly.
Jane: Oh, I'm sorry. The man that has sex with your aunt then.

Tom Doverton: If I may say so, what I do very much resent is the tone of your questioning.
Lisbon: I'm sorry if we've offended you.
Jane: No, don't say that. This is a murder investigation. I can be as hard ass as I'd like to be. Thank you.
Lisbon: [quietly to Jane] Actually it's not a murder investigation yet. If Mr. Warren dies, which seems likely, it'll become a murder investigation.
Jane: Oh yeah, that's right. He's not dead. Uh... well I apologize for my rudeness. Heh.

Jane: I deduce from the irritated tone of your phone conversation that I was right about Carl Ward.
Lisbon: Half right.
Jane: Go on.
Lisbon: His real name is Carl Wazowski. He was in jail for kiting checks. He's got an ex-wife in Bayonne, New Jersey. She's owed $90,000 in back alimony.
Jane: Half?

Throwing Fire [2.10][edit]

Jane: I've never caught a foul ball before.
Lisbon: Technically, you still haven't. Cho, you take him.
Cho: Yeah.
Jane: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm fine.
Cho: How many fingers?
Jane: Six. Haven't we got a murder to solve?
Lisbon: You were unconscious.
Jane: No, I wasn't.
Cho: Jane, you were.
Jane: Was not. [at Lisbon] Your turn. Okay, I'll see a doctor. [Shouting at crime scene doctor] Uh, excuse me, doctor?
Doctor: Mmm?
Jane: I know, a real, live patient. I'm excited, too.

Jane: It's funny, isn't it? The big regrets in life people keep to themselves.
Lisbon: I don't know. I tell people about you.
Jane: Nice one. A zinger. High and tight.

Cho: Where are you going?
Jane: Baseball academy I was thinking. Don't we have to solve this thing?
Lisbon: Rigsby and Van Pelt are talking to the theater manager now.
Jane: The wife? No, no. It wasn't her. The murder weapon was a baseball bat. Baseball bat, baseball academy. Common sense.
Lisbon: Do you know who the killer is?
Jane: What do you think?
Lisbon: I think you said 'what do you think?' to make me think you do so I'll go with you, but really you don't.
Jane: [chuckles] Cho?
Cho: Baseball bat. Baseball academy. That's not common sense.
Jane: Great. We'll all go.

Rose Colored Glasses [2.11][edit]

Jane: Ah-ha!
Lisbon: Is that a useful ah-ha or an annoying ah-ha?

Lisbon: A brawl? you started a brawl? Come on!

Lisbon: You go to hell. Take a toothbrush.
Jane: Which way is that? [Lisbon glares at him] I'll go.

[Trying to guess what instrument Lisbon played at school]
Jane: Timpani!
Lisbon: No.

Bleeding Heart [2.12][edit]

Donner: Is he sniffing her?
Lisbon: Yes.
Donner: You pay him to sniff people?

Melba Walker Shannon: [To Wilson] These people will be leaving now.
Jane: I like the way you say that. Melba-like-the-toast. So tough and command. Let me tell you something. We are state law enforcement. And we leave when we want to leave.
Lisbon: Thanks for your time.
Jane: She wants to leave. See ya.

Rigsby: So, uh, guys. I have something to say.
Grace: We have something to say.
Rigsby: Uh, life's too short for dishonest. Van P... Grace and I are... lovers.
Lisbon: No you’re not.
Grace: Um, yes we are.

Jane: Well, it's a big secret, well kept.
Rigsby: Maybe you knew, but nobody else did.
Cho: I knew. Half the building knows.
Rigsby: They do not!
Cho: Yes they do.
Jane: The only person who didn't know is glaring at you right now.
Lisbon: And now I have to do something about it.
Cho: What are you gonna do?
Jane: Yeah, what are you gonna do?
Lisbon: Thinking.

Redline [2.13][edit]

Mashburn: [To Lisbon]] You have a damaged intensity that's quite attractive.
Jane: Hm mmm. (Jane nods his head in agreement)
Mashburn: Let me buy you a drink sometime.
Lisbon: I live in Sacramento.
Mashburn: I have a jet!
Jane: Oh very good, very good.

Lisbon: He’s got everything he wanted since he was thirty.
Jane: Not you.
Rigsby: Wait. Walter Mashburn asked you out?
Lisbon: No! (Jane gives her a look.) Well, sort of.
Rigsby: Wow.
Jane: Personally, I thought she should have gone for it. A little empty glamour would have been good for her. But, no, not our Lisbon.

Lisbon: [After Jane let Walter’s car fall off a cliff. Lisbon gets a phone call] Hey Cho... Oh no... Oh great. No. No, you can handle this one. Just be clear that the CBI is not liable. He is just a consultant.

Mashburn: You're a psychic, aren't you?
Jane: What makes you say that?
Mashburn: You have this charlatan air about you. (Jane smiles and looks at Lisbon who smiles too.)

(After the killer has been caught)

Mashburn: So it's over.
Jane: Yeah, it's over.
Mashburn: That's too bad. It was fun.
Jane: Yeah. How you gonna top that thrill?
Mashburn: Maybe next time I'll be the killer.

Walter Mashburn: You play mind games with people, you size up their weaknesses and then you give them the rope to hang themselves.
Jane: You make it sound so cool.

Lisbon: Okay, I am not jealous and resentful. That is nonsense.
Jane: Yet you recall my exact words. There's no shame in it. I feel that way too sometimes. Why does everyone else get to have a normal life?
Lisbon: My life is fine.
Jane: Normally you rise above such craven emotions but in this case your hands were tied. It's the rules. You're forced to do what your worst self is telling you to do anyway. Hence your tension headache.
Lisbon: I don't... (Jane gives her a look) All right. I do have a headache, but it's a coincidence.
Jane: Nah.
Lisbon: Either I obey the rules or I risk taking big heat for ignoring them. This is on Van Pelt and Rigsby, not me.
Jane: Whatever you say.

Lisbon: Jeff Sparhawk has no alibi.
Jane: You can dispense the cop talk, Lisbon. You can tell me what's bothering you.
Lisbon: Nothing's bothering me.
Jane: Okay.
Lisbon: Nothing is bothering me.

Jane: I understand your position. There's no reason to beat yourself up about it.
Lisbon: What are you talking about?
Jane: Well, that you feel bad about Rigsby and Van Pelt.
Lisbon: No I don't.
Jane: Well, you can't help wondering if there's a hint of jealousy and resentment in your decision.
Lisbon: Excuse me?
Jane: Message received.

Blood In, Blood Out [2.14][edit]

Elyse: [sees Jane, who is reading on the couch] I thought he’d look scarier.
Lisbon: He’s resting.

Jane: Who is this "KS," by the way?
Cho: Gang leader. Bad guy.
Jane: What did you do to make him mad?
Cho: I shot him.
Jane: That'll do it.

Red Herring [2.15][edit]

Lisbon: Where are my key?
[Jane holds up her keys]
Lisbon: You picked my pocket!
Jane: My turn to drive.
Lisbon: Jane!
Jane: Oh, don't be such an old lady. Get in. Your fears are groundless.
Lisbon: You're right. The car has airbags

Lisbon: It's okay. She's gone.
Jane: Who's gone?
Lisbon: Oh please, your guilty conscience is obvious and well deserved.
Jane: Man. Justice can be a harsh mistress.

Code Red [2.16][edit]

Lisbon: Hey, Van Pelt. I need you to do background checks on Cliff Edmunds, Lilith Nash, Griffin Lattimer Welks, Julian Eric Tripp. I'm sending you their details now.
Rigsby: Anything we should be looking out for in particular?
Lisbon: Oh. One of them released a lethal super-virus that could kill half the state of California, so I guess we're looking for someone with a prior background of an evil supervillian.
Cho: Okay.
Lisbon: That last part was a joke.

Lisbon: I apologize for my colleague.
Jane: No, she doesn't! I retract that apology.

Lisbon: You know what made me feel better? Punching you in the nose.
Jane: [smiles] Glad to be of service.

The Red Box [2.17][edit]

Lisbon: What are you looking for?
Jane: The dirt under his nails smelled like rosemary. [finds a planter of rosemary which fits a jewelry box found at the scene] Whatever was inside this box killed our man.
Lisbon: Well. The case is practically closed.
Jane: There's no reason to be snarky.

Aingavite Baa [2.18][edit]

Hightower: I guess it's your way of saying you're unhappy with how I'm handling Lisbon.
Jane: We spend a lot of time together, and when she's unhappy I'm less happy. It's human nature.
Hightower: Yes, it is. I'll tell you what, Patrick. Why don't you let me handle my business my way and judge me by the results, and I'll let you handle yours your way. Up to a point.
Jane: That sounds fair. Up to a point.

Blood Money [2.19][edit]

Jane: Catching killers I enjoy, but being reminded that we're just a cog in a petty, fascist machine? That is a little depressing.
Lisbon: Crime fighting is hard. Suck it up.

Jane: I'm going into the Drapers' lair.
Lisbon: That's not a lair, it's an office, and no you're not.
Jane: Oh yes I am. Listen, I'm a little scared, you wouldn't want me to get hurt would you?
Lisbon: Don't bet on it. Why the Drapers?
Jane: A hunch. They're key in this somehow.
Lisbon: You think they hired Silva?
Jane: Well, they certainly look the part.
Lisbon: Why the hell didn't you call Cho?
Jane: You were closer.
Lisbon: Call Cho. I'm not even armed.
Jane: More lies! You have at least two guns in that car. Three?! You're the poster girl for the NRA.

Jane: Well, we caught the bad guy.
Lisbon: Yes, we did.
Jane: Most days that's enough.
Lisbon: Yep.
Jane: You want to go to the range and shoot something?
Lisbon: I'll drive.

Van Pelt: Van Pelt. Whoa! Slow down! Uh, uno momento por favor. (Thrusts the phone toward Rigsby) Um...can you? Its the Federales, I think. Something about Jane and a goat?

Red All Over [2.20][edit]

Alex Harrington: There's no such thing as luck.
Jane: Really?
Alex Harrington: It's all about knowing the odds, seizing the chances. 'No luck involved'.
Jane: Hogwash. (meaning nonsense.)

18-5-4 [2.21][edit]

Rigsby: [referring to the floor safe] That's a high-end sensor lock. That's going to be tough to bust into.
Cho: I'll call tech services, tell them we need a locksmith.
Lisbon: [looking under the bed] Don't bother. I found the key.
Rigsby: This type of safe doesn't use a key.
Lisbon: [holds up severed index finger] Oh yes it does.

Cho: Face the wall. Put your hands on your head.
Moskev: Who are you guys?
Rigsby: Remember the badge? C.B.I.
Moskev: What the hell is that?
Cho: California Bureau of Investigation.
Moskev: What the hell is that?
Rigsby: We're like the F.B.I., only more conveniently located.

Red Letter [2.22][edit]

Sheriff Burnside: So you're the psychic, huh?
Jane: No. There's no such thing as psychics.

Kristina Frye: Don't you ever get tired of your own cynicism?
Jane: Oh, weary as hell, but what's the alternative?

Jane: So, is she telling the truth?
Kristina: I'm not sure. The spirit is deeply conflicted. I can't get a clear reading.
Jane: What are you using, dial-up?

Red Sky in the Morning [2.23][edit]

Kristina: You can smile your arrogant smile and pretend you know everything about everything, but you don't. There are whole worlds that you can't even begin to understand.
Jane: Synchronized swimming is the only world that springs to mind, but I'm sure you are right.

Season 3[edit]

Red Sky At Night [3.01][edit]

Jane parks his car next to the crime scene.
Police officer: You can't park there.
Jane: Sure I can. [points to his car] Look.

Lisbon: The brass and media are going to be all over this like suckerfish.
Jane: Well why don't we just give it to the FBI? They love that stuff.
Lisbon: Oh, I wish. It's too late. The new boss is here doing on-cameras. It's our baby.
Jane: The new boss? I thought Hightower was boss.
Lisbon: The boss of Hightower? The director of the entire division. I told you about it last week. Your memory's going.
Jane: My memory is a mighty fortress, Lisbon, from which no fact ever escapes once committed. Now when you tell me boring things, I set them free immediately. It saves overcrowding.

Giselle Dublin: [under tears] Why am I being punished? I'm a good person.
Cho: Yes, Ma'am.
Giselle Dublin: Stop calling me Ma'am. I'm not your grandmother. How old do you think I am anyway?
Cho: [shrugs] 48, 49.
Giselle Dublin starts sobbing and crying all over again.

Jane: You just put your hand on me.
Drew Yost: No. I mean, yes, but --
Jane: Yes. Don't ever do that again.
Yost: Or else what?
Jane: [leans in close] You ever smell a dead mouse? Remember that smell?
Yost: Yes.
Jane: Well, I just now put a dead mouse in your jacket pocket, and no matter how many times you clean that jacket you will always smell that dead mouse, and you will remember that you should never have put your hand on me.
Yost: [feels jacket pocket and immediately removes the jacket] You son of a bitch.
Jane: It's actually just a wadded up napkin, but it has the same psychological effect. The human mind is funny that way.

Jane: Really, I'm impressed. You played me like a fish and you lied to me.
Lisbon: I kind of did, didn't I?
Jane: I'm glad to see you're learning a few things. Of course, now I shall have my revenge.

Lisbon: What did you tell her?
Jane: I was complimenting her on her jacket. It's a vivid color.
Lisbon: Liar.
Jane: You're going to call me a liar?
Lisbon: Oh, I hate you. I do.

Lisbon: You're isolating yourself. You're pulling away from us, from me and the team. You are. You are and it's not good. What's going on?
Jane: Anybody that gets close to me, bad things happen to them.
Lisbon: A: That's not true, and B: Even if that were true, I'm a cop. It's our job to be in harm's way.
Jane: You're not listening to me.
Lisbon: We're family. What you're doing is a kind of betrayal, a surrender, a defeat. You're letting Red John win.
Jane: Oh, please. Please. Really? Okay, enough. No more pulling away. Give me a hug.
Lisbon: You don't mean it. I can tell.
Jane: What do you mean you can tell. You can't tell. I don't mean it, but you can't tell that I don't. You're guessing!
Lisbon: Yes, I can tell.
Jane: How?
Lisbon: I don't know. I can tell when you're lying now.
Jane: No you can't tell!
Lisbon: I can too!
Jane: That's nonsense. You're lying. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Cackle-Bladder Blood [3.02][edit]

Lisbon: I didn't know your wife was from this world, too.
Jane: Oh yeah. Her grandparents are carnie royalty. They ran big metal: Ferris wheels, ghost trains. They ran them all across the midwest. My wife, she didn't want to have any part of it.
Lisbon: Why?
Jane: Carnies are good people, but you're either with the show or you're not. There's nowhere in the middle, and if you're not with the show, you're a mark. You're a sucker. She didn't like that.

Lisbon: [knocks] Jane! It's me.
Jane: [opens a side door, surprising Lisbon] Hey, Lisbon. Excellent work finding us.
Lisbon: I am very unhappy with you. Is he in there?
Jane: Yep.
Lisbon: Bring him out. No funny business or I will shoot to kill.
Jane: You're very persuasive. We'll be right out.

Danny: So, this is it, huh? [remarking on his sister and niece, along with Jane's wife and daughter's graves] They'd like it, I guess, if they had a preference.
Jane: You know this is the first time I've been here since the funeral?
Danny: Why's that?
Jane: Because they're no here.
Danny: Hey, who knows for sure? Maybe they're up there right now looking down at us. Annie's saying, lighten up, you dummies.
Jane: Yeah, maybe.
Danny: Yeesh. I'm sorry I asked to come. Who would have known a trip to the cemetery would be such a downer.
Jane: It's all right. It's irrational. No reason to be sad. Are you going to give them those flowers or what?
Danny: Guilt is for marks. You know that right?
Jane: [looks away as his eyes fill with tears] Yeah.

The Blood On His Hands [3.03][edit]

Van Pelt: I lied this morning. I do care that you're seeing someone else. It hurts a little. I mean, it's no biggie. I'll get over it. I want us to be friends. We can get to that point, right? Can't we be just friends?
Rigsby: Yeah, sure we can.
Van Pelt: Good. I'd like that.

The Red Carpet Treatment [3.04][edit]

Cho: [looking over a ransacked motel room] Someone was looking for something.
Rigsby: Thank you, captain obvious.
Cho: Three hours of brooding silence and then sarcasm. It's like we're married.

Lisbon: We're with the CBI. What's going on here?
Deputy: [motions to couple on underside of a bridge] They were up there when we arrived. Gotta tell you, it looks like an attempted assault. He's going to reach her soon. We're going to have to shoot to stop him.
Jane: If you shoot him you'll have two victims. She just went up there to see about jumping. He's trying to save her. Can I use that? [takes bull horn from deputy] Uh, Betsy? If you're going to jump, make sure to dive. Head first.
Deputy: Hey!
Lisbon: Jane.
Jane: From that height you'll just shatter bones and suffer massive internal injuries. Make sure you dive. Head first.

Jane: Was it worth it?
Max Winter: Was what worth it?
Jane: The man that killed your wife no longer exists. The time you took pursuing him, the pain, the sacrifice, was it worth it?
Max Winter: Yes, it was.
Jane: Thank you.

The Red Ponies [3.05][edit]

Jane: Why does horse manure smell so good?
Lisbon: It doesn't.

Pink Chanel Suit [3.06][edit]

Jane: Judge Fitzwilliam will change her tune once I reveal her daughter's killer, won't she?
Hightower: I don't imagine she will. When are you planning on doing that?
Jane: This very evening.
Hightower: This very night?
Jane: But you have to trust me.
Lisbon: Right, and what if you're wrong again?
Jane: Well, if I'm wrong then we're in deep trouble, but what are the chances, really, of me being wrong twice in a row. Think about that one. Of course, if either of you have a better idea how to find Abby's body and catch her killer, please: these are not taxi doors, they're ears.

Tubbs: A lot of people today don't know who the heck they are. A man without knowledge of his roots is like a cabbage in this society.

[Lisbon and Jane hiding in a kitchen]
Jane: [whispers] This isn't going to work unless you're quiet.
Lisbon: [whispers] I can't keep quiet. My legs are asleep. [squirms]
Jane: What do you mean your legs are asleep? Legs don't sleep. That's absurd. Don't say that.

Hightower: Hey. So, I just talked to Judge Fitzwilliam.
Jane: And?
Hightower: And she says if you will apologize for the cavalier method in which you disrupted her mother's burial she will not pursue disciplinary action against you, Lisbon or myself.
Jane: Hmm. Tell her Jane says she is a self righteous embittered, old bat and she should thank me.
Hightower: Oh God, Jane, please.
Judge Fitzwilliam: [surprising both Hightower and Jane] You're right, Mr. Jane. I came here for an apology, but I realize now I was wrong to stand on my dignity. I am embittered, and your arrogant, callous, juvenile behavior did reveal the truth after all, so thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening to you.
Jane: Sorry.

Red Hot [3.07][edit]

Patrick Jane: Hello Lisbon. What a great day to not be blown up.
Teresa Lisbon: Give it up now.
Patrick Jane: What?
Teresa Lisbon: What you took from Bajoran's house.
[Jane looks blankly at Lisbon]
Teresa Lisbon: The toupee, Jane, the housekeeper called.
Patrick Jane: Oh.
[Jane throws Lisbon the toupee]
Teresa Lisbon: That's just gross! Why would you take it?
Patrick Jane: Evidence.
Teresa Lisbon: Of what?
Patrick Jane: Bad taste.

[Jane just guessed something about Mashburn.]
Walter Mashburn: I do! How do you know?
Patrick Jane: Pupil dilation.
Teresa Lisbon: Pupil dilation?!
Patrick Jane: Yes. When someone see something that they want, their pupils dilate.
Walter Mashburn: Pupil dilation... [stares at Lisbon] It's fantastic!
Patrick Jane: [glances at Mashburn's eyes, then at Lisbon's] Yes, it is. [Lisbon smiles]

Teresa Lisbon: What about you, Walter? Last year you said you'd do anything for a thrill.
Walter Mashburn: What do you have in mind?
[Shots are fired at them]
Teresa Lisbon: Get down!
Patrick Jane: Thrilling enough for you, Walter?

Walter Mashburn: But if it was him, wouldn't he have hired better assassins?
Teresa Lisbon: Okay, is there anybody else who might want to kill you?
Walter Mashburn: I have lots of enemies, Teresa. You know, you'd be surprised to hear this, but some people find me annoying.

Patrick Jane: Ladies and gentlemen, quick announcement: I'd like you to give a very warm welcome to Walter's new girlfriend, number one - Teresa Lisbon.

Walter Mashburn: So my friends say because you saved me that means you own me.
Teresa Lisbon: They have a return policy?

Walter Mashburn: I upset you?
Teresa Lisbon: Upset me? No. Irritate me a litte? Maybe.
Walter Mashburn: Why?
Teresa Lisbon: You're egotistical. You're arrogant. You're entitled and rich.
Walter Mashburn: When do you get to the bad stuff?

Walter Mashburn: Can't believe I'm a one night stand for Dirty Harry.
Teresa Lisbon: Yeah, well, I'd leave you cab fare, but you've probably got that covered.

Ball of Fire [3.08][edit]

Hightower: Teresa, not saying something doesn't mean that something isn't happening.

Lisbon: You're looking a little creaky.
Jane: Yeah, a cattle prod will do that to you.
Lisbon: The doctor says there's no lasting effects.
Jane: Well, that doctor should try it himself sometime. [watches as Lisbon smiles] That was a big smile.
Lisbon: Of course I'm glad you're back. I'm also glad we solved one without you.
Jane: You were kidnapped and delivered to me. That counts as solving one?
Lisbon: Hightower and the team found us.
Jane: But if I hadn't held off Rachel, they would have found us dead in a burned out house.
Lisbon: Oh, you held off Rachel?
Jane: Yes.
Lisbon: Where's my apple?
Jane: Your what?
Lisbon: My apple. I asked you to get me an apple.
Jane: I come through the valley of death and all you can think about is your stomach. A piece of fruit.
Lisbon: That's right.
Jane: An apple.
Lisbon: Yes.
Jane: That's just plain selfish.
Lisbon: Selfish. Me: selfish.
Jane: Yes, it is. You're on my couch. I'm trying to have a cup of tea. Have you finished? You called me creaky. I've been cattle prodded all week. I just want to have a rest and a cup of tea and a little sleep.
Lisbon: [sigh] Oh, I wish I had a cattle prod.

Red Moon [3.09][edit]

Todd: Rest assured, I won't be pulling any vigilante nonsense.
Lisbon: I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you see it that way. There's no upside to taking the law into your own hands. Revenge truly doesn't work.
Jane: Well that's just a sweeping statement, isn't it? I'm sure we can all think of examples where revenge has worked splendidly.
Lisbon: Thanks for your input.
Jane: Just saying.

Lisbon: Examples where revenge worked splendidly. Nice.
Jane: I was just teasing. A little hypocritical to lecture him on revenge, don't you think?
Lisbon: How's that?
Jane: Uh, all these years you've been helping me seek revenge?
Lisbon: Well that's different.
Jane: How's that?
Lisbon: I'm in control of the situation.
Jane: Oh, really.

Jolly Red Elf [3.10][edit]

Lisbon: [activates an automatic dancing toy Santa] I can't believe people buy this crap.
Jane: I sense a Christmas speech coming on.
Lisbon: No, I just think people can celebrate a holy day without lying to children about a magical fat guy with a sack full of toys.
Jane: So you took the whole Santa revelation badly, huh?
Lisbon: It crushed my heart like a cigarette.
Jane: That explains why you're still looking for magic in your life.

Lisbon: LaRoche is looking for you.
Jane: Well, tell him I wish him luck.

May: Any time anything cuts you off from experiencing your life, it's unhealthy. Right?
Jane: Wouldn't know.

Minelli: Listen, ahh, I'd, ahh, I'd like to convey my gratitude--
Jane: Easy, cowboy. You just met her.

Bloodsport [3.11][edit]

Jane: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Bloodhounds [3.12][edit]

Jane: A decision science consultant?
Lisbon: Don't start. This is way above us. If we're good to the feds, the feds will be good to us. When in doubt, don't act out.
Jane: You just made a rhyme. When are we ever in doubt?
Lisbon: Seriously, you start trouble and I will --
Jane: Burst my bubble?

Red Alert [3.13][edit]

Chief Dale: Agent, I'm not opposed to extending a professional courtesy, but your man ignored a reasonable request from my officer and fled.
Lisbon: And he will pay the ticket.
Jane: Nah. Speed traps: legalized extortion. If you want people to slow down, park out in the open where they can see you, but no. You lay in wait like thieves in the night.
Lisbon: He will pay the ticket today.
Jane: I'm not going to pay it.
Lisbon: Jane.
Jane: I'm not going to pay it!
Lisbon: Stop. Stop!
Jane: [to the chief] Extortionists.

Blood For Blood [3.14][edit]

Red Gold [3.15][edit]

Jane: Ah. Yes. Jeff, what did your dad stop doing recently?
Jeff: Uh...Washing himself?

[Hightower just shot Puttock]
Jane: Is he dead?
Hightower: Yes.
Jane: You know, I should applaud your bravery but I gotta say...practically speaking, what were you thinking? You could have killed me.
Hightower: I'm sorry. I got mad. I didn't know what I was thinking.
Jane: That was some good shooting though. That leg shot that took him down was very precise.
Hightower: [smirks]: I was aiming for his head.
Jane: Oh, fantastic.

Red Queen [3.16][edit]

LaRoche: [answers the door] Jane.
Jane: LaRoche, you have a house and a fluffy white dog. Are those Hummel figurines?
LaRoche: Yeah. You find that amusing?
Jane: I just didn't picture you living in an actual house.
LaRoche: Where did you think I live?
Jane: In a burrow on a riverbank or something like that.

Jane: I'm better off alone.
Hightower: Nobody is better off alone.

Bloodstream [3.17][edit]

Francine Trent: Are you the CBI agents?
Jane: Yes. She does the detecting and I do the insulting.
Lisbon: Consulting.
Jane: That too.

Jane: This impact label was marking his shots. And in this particular case the 'X' doesn't mark the spot. His shots were are more to the front of the club.
Lisbon: What does that mean?
Jane: Well it means he was...

La Roche interrupts

La Roche: Slicing them, coming across the face. Happens when you're feeling stressed. Lisbon may I speak with you?

Lisbon smiles.

Lisbon: We really need to get you a bell.

The Red Mile [3.18][edit]

Lisbon: Dr. Steiner.
Dr. Steiner: Agent Lisbon. It's not as bad as it looks.
Lisbon: Go get yourself checked out and then come talk to us.
Dr. Steiner: Jane, was this you? Another trick?
Lisbon: Jane had nothing to do with this. Nothing at all. You didn't, did you?
Jane: Of course not.
Lisbon: You swear on your life?
Jane: On your life, even.

Lisbon: [kicks the couch] Wake up. Newsome Kirk posted bail. He's going to be gone in an hour.
Jane: Just in time for the 6:10 to Alpha Centauri.
Lisbon: He was right about Harley's psychiatrist. She did propose a book, but she withdrew it, so she had motive.
Jane: Kind of.
Lisbon: Who do you think did it?
Jane: Jabba the Hutt.
Lisbon: Seriously.
Jane: Ming the Merciless.
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: ALF?
Lisbon: When the aliens do come, I hope they eat you.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn [3.19][edit]

Erica Flynn: What do you want from your life?
Jane: I want my life to be free.
Erica: Free how? To love? To be loved?
Jane: Free from my past.

Jane: I'm looking for someone who, uh -- someone I can trust. Someone strong. Someone at peace with themselves. Someone better than me. Someone who knows the worst side of me and still loves me.
Erica: Sounds like an amazing woman.
Jane: She was.

Redacted [3.20][edit]

Like A Redheaded Stepchild [3.21][edit]

Jane: Memory is unreliable because the untrained brain has a crappy filing system. It takes everything that happens to you and throws it all whilly-nilly into a big, dark closet. When you go in there looking for something all you can find are the big obvious things, like when your mom died or stuff you don't really need. Stuff that you're not looking for, like the words to Copacabana. You can't find what you need, but don't panic because it is still there.

Jane: I get it. I've been down. Snitches get stitches.
Nick Monaco: See now, that's a popular misconception. The stitches are for live people.
Jane: Got it.

Rigsby: Wait, there's one more thing: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be at your wedding.
Van Pelt: Oh? [she sighs] That's too bad. You have something else planned for that day?
Rigsby: No, you see the problem is: I'm still in love with you.
Van Pelt: You can't --
Rigsby: Hold on. I'm not trying to win you back. You're marrying a good man. That's not gonna change. But neither am I. This whole thing where we pretend we're just friends, it doesn't work. I don't know what will work. But I know one thing: I can't watch you marry another man. You have a good day and a good life.

Rhapsody In Red [3.22][edit]

Jane: [holds out a flower] For you.
Lisbon: Does it squirt water?
Jane: No. It's no trick. Maybe just a little trick to catch the killer.
Lisbon: With a hydrangea?
Jane: Yeah.
Lisbon: How?
Jane: Well wouldn't that be spoiling the fun?
Lisbon: For you. Spoiling the fun for you.
Jane: That's the fun that matters.

Strawberries & Cream Part I [3.23][edit]

Jane: [walks into Lisbon's office to see her trying on a bridesmaid dress] Hey, Lisbon. Any word on that list yet?
Lisbon: Geez, Jane! Do you mind knocking?
Jane: Whoa. My, my.
Lisbon: Van Pelt must die.
Jane: No, no, no. You look good. This is beautiful, like a princess. An angry little princess. Someone stole your tiara.
Lisbon: She caught me by surprise when she asked me, otherwise I never would have agreed to be a bridesmaid. Any why would she even ask me to do this? She knows I hate this crap!
Jane: I told her to ask you. I told her that you secretly wanted to be a bridesmaid.
Lisbon: Really. Why would you do that?
Jane: Oh, for the fun, and because deep down you secretly really do want to be a bridesmaid. Go ahead. Confess.

Strawberries & Cream Part II [3.24][edit]

LaRoche: You're a fascinating man, Patrick. Who knows what you might have achieved in this world, were you not quite so damaged.

Jane: Why are you telling me all of this?
Timothy Carter: Well, I think we have a connection that needs to be honored. I want to say goodbye. I want to apologize for any pain I might have caused you, and I want to release you from this curse you're been under.
Jane: I'm not under a curse.
Carter: Doomed to an endless angry search for vengeance you will never have? I would call that a curse, don't you?
Jane: I look at it as more of a hobby, and I will have that vengeance.
Carter: Vengeance? On what? Look at me. I'm just a regular guy. You thought I'd have horns, huh? Right? I'm not a monster. I'm not the devil. I'm just another human being with flaws, and vices and problems just like anybody else. Forget about me. I'm not worth ruining your life.
Jane: Wherever you go, you delusional freak, I will find you and I will kill you, and then, then I will forget about you.

Season 4[edit]

Scarlet Ribbons [4.01][edit]

Jane: So how was your week? [smiles as he watches Lisbon laugh] You should be in the hospital. What are you doing here?
Lisbon: I'm okay. You, on the other hand.
Jane: I'm okay too.
Lisbon: You killed an unarmed man in front of five hundred witnesses. You're not okay.
Jane: He had a gun. Someone must have taken it and switched the cell phone. It's the only possible explanation.
Lisbon: That or you went nuts for a moment.
Jane: Lisbon, look at me. I didn't go nuts.
Lisbon: I believe you.

Lisbon: So what did you do? Honestly.
Jane: He had a gun.
Lisbon: No. I mean how did you raise the bail money.
Jane: Oh. That. Murder for hire. Killed a snitch. Stabbed him in the kidneys.
Lisbon: You did not.
Jane: I did not. I won it at a card game, but I had you for a moment.

Lisbon: I have a bad feeling about this.
Jane: Well you've been shot. You're bound to have a gloomy outlook. Ignore your feelings.

Lisbon: So, what now?
Jane: Now? Well, tea would hit the spot.
Lisbon: No. I mean what now. What you've done, what you've set out to do. You got your vengeance. Do you feel different? Feel better?
Jane: No. I feel guilty.
Lisbon: Guilty? Why?
Jane: For deceiving the jury. I mean, I had no choice. Going to prison for murder would have been a victory for Red John.
Lisbon: What do you mean? Red John's dead.
Jane: Timothy Carter's dead. He was an evil man, but he wasn't Red John. Red John is still alive. Watch the road.

Little Red Book [4.02][edit]

Lisbon: My God. Why are you doing this? You were okay. All you had to do was keep your heads down.
Van Pelt: We want to work for you.
Lisbon: Let me talk to Jane alone. [Van Pelt, Cho and Rigsby leave] I could kill you with my bare hands.
Jane: Well, it's not the first time. Come on. You don't have a choice. You do nothing they get fired. You work with me they keep their jobs. You might even get yours back.
Lisbon: Fine, but it's just you and me. They don't do anything else. What's the plan?
Jane: The plan is: we catch the killer. It's kind of obvious.

Lisbon: How'd you do it? Get Bertram to come around?
Jane: Oh it wasn't so hard. A rational discussion between two reasonable men.
Lisbon: [smiles knowingly] Rational discussion. I bet.
Jane: Mhmm. But, by all means, go ahead.
Lisbon: Excuse me?
Jane: Say it. I won't get embarrassed.
Lisbon: Say what? Oh! You mean say thank you?
Jane: Oh! You're welcome. Was it so hard?
Lisbon: The thing is, not dealing with you every day has been very restful for me. My back pain is gone. I sleep really well. I'm not so sure I'm grateful to be back.
Jane: You're a terrible liar. Good, honest people are always bad liars.
Lisbon: Which makes you what?

Pretty Red Balloon [4.03][edit]

Lisbon: Cheer up.
Jane: Oh, I'm cheery.
Lisbon: You heard her. You gave her hope.
Jane: I didn't give her hope. I sold her hope.
Lisbon: I think hope is worth it at any price.
Jane: Are you running for office now?
Lisbon: Okay, you know what? You're a wicked charlatan and you're going to hell then.
Jane: That's more like it. I'll save you a seat by the fire.
Lisbon: Oh, I'm not going to hell.
Jane: You're not?
Lisbon: Nope.
Jane: You've made other arrangements, huh?
Lisbon: Mm-hmm.

Ring Around the Rosie [4.04][edit]

Linda Tibbs: I already told you I'm not getting involved.
Rigsby: We're not asking you to, ma'am. We just need you to cooperate.
Linda Tibbs: It doesn't matter what you need! I don't trust you and I'm not going to help!
Van Pelt: If you quit now you're going to miss the best part: payback.
Linda Tibbs: What are you talking about?
Van Pelt: A few months ago I had a fiance. He tried to kill me.
Linda Tibbs: You're lying.
Van Pelt: Look, everybody thought he was the greatest guy, including me. Then he pulled a gun on me.
Linda Tibbs: What did you do?
Van Pelt: I shot him.
Rigsby: Dead.

Cho: [To Tibbs] Hey. How you doing. You're under arrest, for the attempted murder of...everybody.

Wainwright: You know that psychopathy test I gave Tibbs? I figured out why it didn't work. See, it's a rating scale based on observation, so the more time you spend with the subject the more accurately you can then observe their behavioral traits, and guess what I've been doing?
Jane: [smiles] Oh, you haven't.
Wainwright: Glibness and superficial charm. Check.
Jane: You flatter me.
Wainwright: Grandiose sense of self worth. You betcha. Cunning and manipulative. Poor behavior controls. Failure to accept responsibility for actions. So I cross-referenced all of my observations with your history as a thief and conartist and, uh, congratulations, Jane. According to the score you are a clinical psychopath.
Jane: Wow. Well, that certainly explains a lot.
Wainwright: Now I know what I'm dealing with, so I'll adjust accordingly.
Jane: [smiles] As you should.

Lisbon: Everything all right?
Jane: Yeah. I like our new boss. I think we'll work very well together. Would you like some tea?
Lisbon: I'm tired. I'm going to go home.
Jane: I made a pot.
Lisbon: All right. I'll take one to go.
Jane: I heard you got your man.
Lisbon: As did you. Nice work.
Jane: Do you think I'm an anti-social personality?
Lisbon: Yeah, sure. Who isn't?

Blood and Sand [4.05][edit]

Jane: Beautiful, isn't it?
Lisbon: For a crime scene, yeah.

Rigsby: Listen, about before at the office with Sarah. I just --
Van Pelt: Oh, yeah. Congratulations. She seems nice.
Rigsby: Yeah. I just don't want it to be awkward between --
Van Pelt: [laughs] With me? That's the least of your problems.
Rigsby: What does that mean?
Van Pelt: Well, she's a public defender. I mean, good luck, but be careful.

Where in the World is Carmine O'Brien [4.06][edit]

Van Pelt: Lisbon's niece; sharp girl.
Rigsby: I guess.
Van Pelt: Good questions.
Rigsby: Yeah.
Van Pelt: Do you love her?
Rigsby: Annabell?
Van Pelt: Your girlfriend Sarah.
Rigsby: Oh, right.
Van Pelt: So?
Rigsby: I guess I don't see why it matters if I love her or not.
Van Pelt: Uh oh.
Rigsby: Look, we have a good time together. We enjoy each other's company. I look forward to seeing her. Isn't that enough? Why worry about it?
Van Pelt: Trust me, she's worrying about it.
Rigsby: I just think if you start talking like that you're going to get hurt. I'm not sure I even know what that means? I love you? I mean, what does that say, really?
Van Pelt: I don't know, Wayne. My last relationship didn't exactly end well. I'm probably not the best person to ask right now.
Rigsby: Fair enough.

Blinking Red Light [4.07][edit]

James Panzer: Congratulations, by the way.
Jane: Thank you. For what?
James Panzer: You killed Red John.
Jane: Oh, that. Yes.
James Panzer: What was that like?
Jane: Not as satisfying as you might think.

Pink Tops [4.08][edit]

Jane: Disappointing, Lisbon. I thought you might push back a little. The guy called me a circus act.
Lisbon: Hey, the man is grieving. You push back.
Jane: Okay, I will.
Lisbon: [stops him by placing her hand on his chest] Don't you dare.
Jane: You said that I could.
Lisbon: I take it back.

The Redshirt [4.09][edit]

Doc Dugan: Your own funeral, that's when you hear the truth, what people really think of you. [speaking of his girlfriend] The woman worships me. Would you like to find out why?
Van Pelt: No, thanks.
Doc Dugan: Are you sure?
Van Pelt: Tempting, really, but I shot and killed my last boyfriend. I'm not ready for a relationship yet.
Doc Dugan: Okay. Raincheck.

Rigsby: Okay, who has Chinese food for breakfast?
Sarah Harrigan: Chinese people and me. Okay, interrogation time. Agent Rigsby, do you consider yourself an expert on motorcycle gangs?
Rigsby: Yes.
Sarah: No, don't say yes. Say yes. You want to project confidence and the jury's going to believe you.
Rigsby: Yes, ma'am. [leans in and gives Sarah a kiss]
Sarah: Stop trying to distract me, and does this expertise, in fact, come from years of close contact with a criminal element in your own family?
Rigsby: Hey.
Sarah: Don't say hey, just answer the question.
Rigsby: No, it doesn't.
Sarah: Isn't it true your father, Steven Rigsby, was a member of the Iron Gods motorcycle gang and a convicted felon?
Rigsby: Yes.
Sarah: So wouldn't it be fair to say that everything you learned you know from your father the felon? Babe, I know it's touchy, but if you wait too long to answer --
Rigsby: Okay. That's enough. Thanks for your help. Gotta get to court.
Sarah: Wayne.
Rigsby: Seriously, that was a big help. Thank you. [walks away]

Lisbon: Hey.
Jane: All good?
Lisbon: Yeah. Doc seemed like a changed man.
Jane: He's had a perspective few of us ever get. It's energizing, I'd expect.
Lisbon: Would you want that? To hear what people say about you when you're dead?
Jane: When I am dead they can burn me in effigy or build a statue or forget about me completely. I couldn't care less.
Lisbon: You don't mean that. Everybody wants to be remembered.
Jane: Childish vanity.
Lisbon: I want to be remembered.
Jane: And you shall be; fondly, but you won't care about it because when you're dead you're dead, and until then, [a waiter sets down a hot fudge sundae between them] there's ice cream.
Lisbon: So good.

Pattrick Jane: The truth hurts, I know. It's biologically based actually. Our brains process sound faster than they do light, but light moves faster than sound. So the brain is constantly shifting reality so the world syncs up.
Doc Dugan: What does that have to do with anything?
Patrick Jane: This. Only when someone is standing 30 yards away do we see and hear the world exactly as it is. That's when your brain, sound and light are all in perfect harmony.
Doc Dugan: So?
Patrick Jane: The rest of the time we are living in a world of lies. Lies are what make the world make sense. Ergo, the truth hurts.

Fugue In Red [4.10][edit]

Lisbon: Jane? How are you feeling?
Jane: Excellent, I think.
Lisbon: It's good to see you breathing.
Jane: It's good to see you period.
Lisbon: We are doing everything we can to find your attacker. You didn't happen to see a face, did you?
Jane: No... Not that I can remember.
Lisbon: What's the last thing you do remember?
Jane: [He makes her come closer.]Are we sleeping together?
Lisbon: Excuse me?! [backs off quickly.]
Jane: Well, you're a cop, that's obvious. But you're not judging me like a suspect, and I can't see any other reason for a police officer to come to my bed side [laughs], unless we're sleeping together.
Lisbon: You don't ... know who I am.
Jane: Please don't take it personnaly, I'm sure you're quite memorable. I just... I've been through a lot, apparently.
Lisbon: No. We are not sleeping together.
Jane: We're working toward it, right? So I haven't missed anything. [She looks lost.] So, what's your name?
Lisbon: [smiles] Are you putting me on?
Jane: I wish I was.
Lisbon: I'm Teresa Lisbon, I'm with the CBI. I'm a homicide detective. You're my consultant.
Jane: I catch bad guys, well that sounds like fun! I always wanted to put my psychic gifts against criminals.
Lisbon: You're not... a psychic.

Lisbon: Is anything coming back to you?
Jane: Kids prefer cheese over fried green spinach.
Lisbon: [laughs] Come again?
Jane: It's an acronym for the seven levels of taxonomy: kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species.
Lisbon: Impressive.
Jane: I can also name the geological time periods, the worlds longest rivers by size, and the complete works of Shakespeare in chronological order.
Lisbon: So the memory palace is intact?
Jane: I told you about the memory palace?
Lisbon: We're friends.

Cho: This is my fault. I'm the one he conned. I should know better.
Lisbon: So should I. I'm the one who got him out of the hospital. We were all marks today.
Van Pelt: Not me. What? He didn't con me.
Rigsby: Only because he wants to have a date with you.
Van Pelt: [smiles] Really?
Cho: Don't take this the wrong way, but the death of Jane's family made him a better person.
Lisbon: That person was always inside of him. The murder just brought it out.

[shows Jane the face Red John drew in Jane's daughter's room, which causes his memory to return]
Lisbon: I'm sorry.

Always Bet on Red [4.11][edit]

Lisbon: Don't you think it's time to tell the truth about Red John?
Jane: Well the truth is, I killed Red John. You can ask anyone. It was on the news, Lisbon.
Lisbon: But you think he's alive.
Jane: I told you that. You, Lisbon. Nobody else. It's better that way.
Lisbon: Then why make him reemerge? You manipulated Panzer into insulting Red John so Red John would kill him.
Jane: I didn't know how else to stop Panzer. He would have just kept on killing.

Jane: I've got a lot to do, so have a nice day.
Lisbon: Jane?
Jane: Yes?
Lisbon: Is there something you want to tell me?
Jane: Deniability, Lisbon. Deniability: your best friend.

FBI Agent Susan Darcy: Did it change you, Patrick? Hunting a monster?
Jane: Of course. Be well, Susan.
Lisbon: It has changed you, you know.
Jane: Darcy's off the case, Lisbon. She's safe.
Lisbon: And what about you? How's Red John going to feel when he finds out you spoiled his fun with Agent Darcy?

My Bloody Valentine [4.12][edit]

Van Pelt: [having sustained a head wound, is talking to a figment of her imagination] Did you love me?
O'Laughlin: Of course I loved you.
Van Pelt: Then why did you try to kill me?
O'Laughlin: I had to make a choice between you and Red John. We all have to make hard choices, Grace, but that doesn't make me evil.
Van Pelt: [scoffs] It kind of does.
O'Laughlin: Grace.
Van Pelt: I was just too stupid to see it.
O'Laughlin: Oh, no. You saw it.
Van Pelt: No, I didn't.
O'Laughlin: Not all of it, but you knew there was something. Something a little dangerous under the nice-guy stuff. You kind of liked it. You can't open your eyes a little bit, Grace. You've got to open them all the way to see the truth of things.
Van Pelt: What are you talking about? Why are you doing this to me?
O'Laughlin: How should I know? I'm just a figment of your imagination.

Van Pelt: Jane, I'm sorry to ask this, but do you ever talk to your wife?
Jane: Yes, sometimes.
Van Pelt: Do you ever see her?
Jane: No. Never.
Van Pelt: If you did see her, would you think you were crazy?
Jane: Craig came to see you, didn't he?
Van Pelt: Yes.
Jane: What did he want?
Van Pelt: I don't know. This will sound really weird, but he kind of saved my life.
Jane: Figuratively speaking, I hope.
Van Pelt: Yes. I mean, he wasn't really there, but --
Jane: Now you can't decide what to do with the necklace he gave you because it reminds you of the past. Maybe try to forget it or you could learn to live with it.

Red Is The New Black [4.13][edit]

Lisbon: I have to be back here right after lunch.
Jane: Oh?
Lisbon: Management meeting.
Jane: Wainwright. He has too much time on his hands. [dials a number on his phone] Agent Wainwright. Patrick Jane. Hi, I just wanted to let you know that Agent Lisbon is needed urgently in the field, and as important as your seminar is, she's not going to be able to attend. Okay. Thank you. Bye bye. He said he's fine. See? Simple as that.
Lisbon: Thanks. Did it ever occur to you that I might actually want to go to the meeting.
Jane: No, it didn't. Do you?
Lisbon: No, but it's the principle.

Van Pelt: Wayne, you're reading a baby book.
Rigsby: [closes the book] Yeah, I am.
Van Pelt: Why?
Rigsby: I -- yes. I'm pregnant. Sarah's pregnant. I'm having a baby.
Van Pelt: Oh my God. Yikes. I mean, sorry. It surprised me. [smiles] Congratulations.
Rigsby: No, it surprised me too. Still is, actually. Hard for me to believe sometimes.
Van Pelt: Are you okay?
Rigsby: Yeah. Babies are good, right? Always wanted to have kids, it's just a little earlier than I expected.
Van Pelt: So are you and Sarah getting married?
Rigsby: Oh, no. Nothing like that. Wouldn't want to rush into anything, right? We haven't even been dating that long.
Van Pelt: If you need anything you can ask. You know that, right?
Rigsby: Yeah. You should get going, though.
Van Pelt: Yeah. [moves to walk away, but stops and turns] Wayne? The kid is lucky. You're going to make a great dad.
Rigsby: Yeah? You think?
Van Pelt: [smiles] I know it.

Lisbon: You're losing your touch. You didn't know it was her.
Jane: Don't be ridiculous. The trick worked exactly as I intended. It didn't matter which one I thought it was. That's how a good trick works.
Lisbon: [smiles] You would say that, wouldn't you?

At First Blush [4.14][edit]

Lisbon: Okay, we keep working.
Jane: We should talk to Eve again.
Lisbon: Maybe she knows what was going on with Murphy.
Jane: Maybe.
Lisbon: Fine. You're the boss on this one.
Jane: Okay, don't be like that.
Lisbon: Like what? It's what you want!
Jane: What I want is a little smile.
Lisbon: Well you can't have everything.

War of Roses [4.15][edit]

Patrick: [On the phone] Okay. Thank you. Bye. [Hangs up] Richard Aldridge will be speaking with one of my colleagues first thing tomorrow morning.
Erica: We make a good team, don’t we?
Patrick: You said you had a question.
Erica: Oh yes, that. Would you hate me if I told you I was lying? It’s just these days I don’t get to spend much time alone with charming men.
Patrick: Well, the reason for that - so you don’t kill them.
Erica: We all have our baggage. I’ve been thinking about you a lot over the past few months. I often wonder how things would be had we met under different circumstances.
Patrick: Thinking about what might have been will drive you crazy.
Erica: Much better to think about what will happen in the future.
Patrick: Erica...
Erica: I like you, Patrick. I hope my directness doesn’t make you uncomfortable.
Patrick: I know what you’re doing.
Erica: What am I doing?
Patrick: Seducing me to conceal your true purpose. Which is to escape.
Erica: Am I? Seducing you?
Patrick: No.
Erica: I’m not trying to escape, Patrick. In fact, you don’t actually believe I am.
Patrick: No?
Erica: No. Those agents outside the door aren’t to keep me from escaping. They’re to keep you and I apart. I know you have feelings for me. This whole escape nonsense is just your way of avoiding those feelings.
Patrick: No, actually I'm fairly concerned you might try to escape.
Erica: Then ask yourself this. If those agents weren’t outside the door right now, what would you do? What will you do?
[She moves in, and slowly they kiss]

His Thoughts were Red Thoughts [4.16][edit]

Bret Stiles: Farragut was a dreamer. Dreamers are useful in their way, but we don't live in dreams, do we? We live in the here and the now.
Van Pelt: Did you kill him?
Stiles: You've killed, haven't you; someone who mattered to you, who hurt you. Did you enjoy it?
Van Pelt: No.
Stiles: Really? I'm told it gives the feeling of great perspective, like waking from a dream.
Van Pelt: It changes you.
Stiles: Did you friends notice?
Van Pelt: A little, but I think it freaks them out.
Stiles: Of course. They don't have the imagination or the vocabulary to converse with you about it. You know, you're like a little bird that fell out of the nest, but you don't need the nest. You need to fly, and that I can teach you.

Stiles: [after having watched the confession of a murderer] Thank you for letting me watch this.
Van Pelt: No problem. Visualizing my anger works really well. I'm just returning the favor.
Stiles: There's so much more that I could teach you.
Van Pelt: Really?
Stiles: To be free of doubt, anger, fear. Let me show you the world as you've never seen it. Let me show you you as you've never seen yourself.
Van Pelt: Great sales pitch, but I'm sort of over bad boys these days. [kisses his cheek] Thanks anyway. [walks away]

Cheap Burgundy [4.17][edit]

Jane: I missed you.
Lisbon: [smiles] I missed you too.

Ruddy cheeks [4.18][edit]

Lisbon: looks like somebody's in for a big inheritance.
Jane: mm I suppose, if you go for that sort of thing.
Lisbon: you mean money?
Jane: I'll take health any day. Once the games over the King and pawn go back into the same box.

Pink Champagne on Ice [4.19][edit]

Something Rotten in Redmund [4.20][edit]

Lisbon: What did you do?
Jane: Nothing.
Lisbon: Eleven years in Catholic school and I never got sent to the principal's office once.
Jane: Well, that's because you're a boring, goody two shoes.
Lisbon: I didn't say I never did anything bad, I just never got caught.
Jane: [smiles] Touché.

Van Pelt: We've watched sixty hours of this footage. I think it's a dead end.
Jane: Patience, grasshopper.
Van Pelt: I am being patient.
Jane: There! Back that up. Can you grow that? Can you biggify it?
Van Pelt: [smiles] I can do a digital zoom.

Van Pelt: Hey, how did you know Billy was having an affair with the teacher?
Jane: They both had leaves on them from their make-out spot in the woods.
Van Pelt: And?
Jane: Plus, I could tell she liked him. She was meaner to him than the other kids. You know, like Lisbon is to me.
Lisbon: Shut up!
Jane: See?

Ruby Slippers [4.21][edit]

Jane: I have to go.
Lisbon: Where?
Jane: I just had a thoughtless impulse or an inspired hunch. I'm not sure which. I'll let you know.

Lisbon: Well, Glenda's prints don't match any of the prints at the crime scene, and I did background checks on the drag queens. None of them stand out.
Jane: Don't let them hear you say that.

Jane: Is that a tear I see?
Lisbon: Yeah, right. Just keep watching.

So Long, and Thanks for All the Red Snapper [4.22][edit]

Greg: Honey, this is, uh, Teresa Lisbon.
Greta: This is Teresa Lisbon? The Teresa Lisbon?
Jane: The one and only.

[Greg's daughter Lauren runs out of the room]
Lisbon: Wow. How many do you have?
Greg: Uh, we got Lauren, Maddy, and Sally.
Jane: [whistles] Wow. Breeder.

Jane: Well, Greg seems very nice.
Lisbon: I am not discussing this with you.
Jane: Nice, solid, dependable. I can see why you dumped him.
Lisbon: I mean it, Jane.
Jane: All right.
Lisbon: Seriously.
Jane: All right.
Lisbon: (beat) I didn't dump him. We both decided to take a break.
Jane: The old "let's take a break."

Lisbon: So, why didn't you let me in on your brilliant plan?
Jane: Oh, you were very busy with Greg.
Lisbon: I am never too busy to solve a murder.
Jane: Well, you seemed to be very busy with Greg.

Jane: Don't be wistful, Lisbon. Greg was never the right man for you.
Lisbon: I'm not wistful! And no, he wasn't.
Jane: You're far too intense and particular for a man like that.
Lisbon: Excuse me? Intense and particular? What is that supposed to mean?
Jane: Well, they're good things.
Lisbon: In what ways am I intense and particular?
Jane: Oh, please.
Lisbon: Tell me.
Jane: Well, what ever happened to that guy from narcotics?
Lisbon: Jeff?
Jane: Jeff.
Lisbon: Oh, he bit his nails.
Jane: See, that's particular.
Lisbon: That is not being particular, it's a disgusting habit!
Jane: There's intense.

Red Rover, Red Rover [4.23][edit]

The Crimson Hat [4.24][edit]

Lorelei: I do what Red John tells me to do.
Jane: What?
Lorelei: Your freedom, our night together. That was a gift from him. You can harm me if you'd like.
Jane: No, I don't wanna hurt you. I've given up, he knows that. What does he want from me?
Lorelei: He doesn't want anything from you. After all these years, he's coming to see you as an old comrade rather than an enemy. He hopes you'll come to feel the same way.
Jane: A comrade.
Lorelei: Patrick, look at yourself. You need a new life. He can give that to you.
Jane: You have to leave.
Lorelei: He's offering the hand of friendship, if you refuse him, he'll be upset. Anyone would-
Jane: Get out.
Lorelei: You know where to find me.

Jane: This is God! What is it now?
Lisbon: You scared the life out of me.
Jane: I crawled all the way on my hands in these from that door, but was worth it.
Lisbon: What are you doing here?
Jane: It's good to see you! How have you been?
Lisbon: Worried sick, that's how I've been! And then you pop in here like you're some sort of a lunatic playing games and asking me how I've been?!
Jane: Just-
Lisbon: Shame on you.
Jane: Just stay calm, ok? It's important no one sees us together.
Lisbon: Why not?
Jane: I'm faking my breakdown. It's a boost to trap Red John.
Lisbon: You son of a bitch! You. Son. Of a bitch!
Jane: Ok, we are in a church.

Jane: Fooled you, I could fool him.
Lisbon: Yeah, you fooled me. Alright, well done.
Jane: Yeah... Well, I'm sorry.
Lisbon: I tried calling. I tried calling you hundreds of times, begging you to talk to me, begging you to get help. Not a reply, not a word, not a text.
Jane: Sorry.
Lisbon: You know what? I've not been sleeping, I have not- Forget it, never mind. You know, you're a jerk. And your plan, it's not even a plan.
Jane: But you will help me?
Lisbon: What am I supposed to say? No? God, you're despicable!

Lorelei: And you'll need to bring him a gift. To show your respect for him.
Jane: What kind of gift?
Lorelei: Teresa Lisbon's dead body would be the perfect thing.

Jane: Good luck, Teresa. Love you.

Lisbon: So that thing you said before you shot me... What did you mean?
Jane: ...What did I say? I was kinda hyped up.

Season 5[edit]

The Crimson Ticket [5.01][edit]

Jane: Your inarticulate rage is understandable, but it's misplaced. You should probably just calm down.
Mancini: You calm yourself down, I'm not angry.
Jane: No? Your temples are pulsing like some weird under-sea creature. If that's not anger you should see a doctor.

Lisbon: It's like a bad date. I wish these bozos would just vanish.

Jane: Have you ever seen your mother naked?

Lisbon: So did you buy that bracelet for Lorelei?
Jane: No, just a whim. Liked it. When I talk to her I need to be alone.
Lisbon: You will be.
Jane: I mean, with nobody watching or listening. I need to be able to tell her truthfully that we are alone.
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: Thank you.
Lisbon: Just be careful. Don't get pulled into her game.
Jane: And what game is that?
Lisbon: I don't know, you tell me.
Jane: Well, I'm supposed to tell the game that you're thinking of? Okay, you're thinking of... Twister?
Lisbon: Go ahead. Laugh. But she's practically the first person since your wife that you...
Jane: Ooh!
Lisbon: It wouldn't be surprising if you had feelings for her.
Jane: She's a stepping stone to Red John. I knew that from the beginning. I don't have any feelings for her.

Lorelei: Hello Patrick.
Jane: Lorelei.
Lorelei: Is it just us or are your friends listening?
Jane: Just us, we're alone.
Lorelei: Good. Much nicer that way.
Jane: Sorry I didn't come to visit you sooner, I've been a little busy with a case.
Lorelei: It's okay. I've been enjoying the peace and quiet.
Jane: You need anything?
Lorelei: I'm fine. Never mind about me, how are you? Back to solving crimes, huh?
Jane: Yes.
Lorelei: Why do you bother? You're trying to hold back the tide with a broom. I think you do it to be close to Teresa Lisbon. I think you're a little bit in love with her.
Jane: I-I do it to...pass the time.

Jane: I can do anything you want if you give me Red John.
Lorelei: I want your trust and friendship.
Jane: You have that.
Lorelei: I don't believe you.
Jane: How can I make you believe?
Lorelei: Kiss me.
Jane: What does that prove?
Lorelei: First you say you'll do anything I want, then you refuse the first thing I ask for. You're very complicated.
[Jane leans in and kisses Lorelei, while Lisbon listens in, shocked]

Lisbon: What are you? Huh? Crazy?
Jane: Excuse me?
Lisbon: I told you to be careful. I told you not to go over the edge.
Jane: And I told you not to listen.
Lisbon: Don't be childish! I am not your girlfriend, I am an officer of the law! How could I not listen?! You kissed her. And you offered to help her escape.
Jane: And I would ask her to marry me if I thought she would buy it. I was playing her.
Lisbon: She was playing you.

Lisbon: I don't think you should be talking to Lorelei. You're too close.
Jane: Well I disagree.
Lisbon: I could put a stop to this right now. One word to Bertram -
Jane: Please don't do that. I know I can turn her. I know I can. And I promise you I will be careful.
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: [Touching Lisbon's shoulder] Thank you.

Rigsby: Ah well done.
Cho: Good job, when do we get her back?
Jane: The judge said we can pick her up from County Jail tomorrow.
Rigsby: Did Mancini really throw a bottle at you?
Jane: Yes he did. And then he proceeded to chase me through the State House. But failed to catch me.
Lisbon: Congratulations, another mortal enemy made. You should be very proud.

Jane: Look, I'm sorry by the way.
Lisbon: For what? There's a long list of possibilities.
Jane: Well, it's just some general apologies. Use it for your top issue.
Lisbon: Thanks.

Devil's Cherry [5.02][edit]

Jane: I had a daughter named Charlotte.
Charlotte: I know..
Jane: No. No you don't. Who put you up to this? Red John?
Charlotte: Red John, Red John, Red John. I'm so over Red John!
Jane: You are not my daughter. My daughter was murdered. I found her body.
Charlotte: You are safe, you are loved and you are wise.
Jane: Who told you those words?
Charlotte: You did. Every night when you tucked me in the bed.

Charlotte: What happened to you? I've been dead for ten years and you're still stuck in neutral. You have no life, just this endless obsession. Red John, Red John. Mom would not be happy.
Jane: Well, my relationship with your mother is... it's my business. Show a little respect.
Charlotte: Hello? I'm a figment of your imagination. Show yourself some respect.
Jane: This is what I've missing out? All these years? When you're gonna go to college again?
Charlotte: Look at you, you can't even be real with someone who doesn't even exist. Does anyone know who you are?
Jane: Yes.
Charlotte: Who? Come on, who?
Jane: Lisbon.

[Jane gets into his car to realise Charlotte is there]
Jane: Still here.
Charlotte: You're still tripping.
Jane: It would seem so.
Charlotte: You really shouldn't be driving. And you especially should not be driving an ambulance.
Jane: [looks around to see that he's actually in an ambulance] Well that was some strong tea...[sees Lisbon approaching] Oh-oh.
Lisbon: Now you're stealing an ambulance!
Jane: No! I'm just admiring the interior. Wicked GPS. How much you think one of these rigs goes for?
Lisbon: You need bed rest!
Jane: I need to go back to the crime scene.
Charlotte: What's her story? She have a boyfriend?
Jane: Be quiet.
Lisbon: I didn't say anything.
Jane: I was talking to the hallucination.
Lisbon: In bed. Now.
Jane: When I was in the victim's kitchen I made a break through in the case. At least I thought I did. That's about when the wacky tea kicked in.
Lisbon: Fine, I will have Van Pelt come down here with crime scene photos.
Jane: Not the same, I have to be there. Hallucinations are part of the subconscious, mine could be clues.
Lisbon: We'll go when you're lucid!
Jane: When I'm lucid I could forget everything. But right now, let me tell you, right now my visions are very very real.
Lisbon: In other words, you wanna use drugs to solve a case.
Jane: Some great minds did their best work on hallucinogens.
Lisbon: Now you have a great mind?
Charlotte: Uhuh! I like her!
Jane: Oh you're funny. Double act, huh?
Lisbon: Jane, you're scaring me.
Jane: Teresa, you can call me Patrick. Drugs is not the path I would choose, but it's been chosen for me, so I must stay the course. Please, I implore you, take me back to the crime scene.

Jane: Last thing I remember was admiring this beautiful butterfly right here.
Lisbon: Real or imagine?
Jane: Real, I think. Then I heard a bang in that pot there on the stove.
Lisbon: What was in the pot?
Jane: A rabbit.
Lisbon: Like that rabbit?
Jane: Yeah, just like that. But my rabbit was real with a diamond necklace.
Lisbon: That is some hallucinogen.
Charlotte: She's kinda cute. Have you guys ever..?
Jane: You be quiet.

Charlotte: I liked the other workshop better.
Jane: Shh.
Charlotte: This is dull. Why do you work for the CBI anyway?
Jane: You know why. To catch Red John.
Charlotte: Okay. Whatever.
Jane: What does that mean? "Okay. Whatever."?
Charlotte: Well to be honest your obsession is a little creepy and weird, you know.
Jane: What? I do it all for you. And your mom.
Charlotte: Yeah. I hate to be the one who breaks it to you dad, but... there's nothing that you can do for us. We don't give a damn what happens to Red John. I mean, we're dead. Gone. You need to start dealing with that.
Jane: I deal with that every day.
Charlotte: Maybe that's the problem.

Jane: Hang on, where are you going?
Charlotte: Hello? I'm practically a grown woman, I don't need to tell you where I'm going.
Jane: No, yeah, I-I know. You're coming back?
Charlotte: I love you dad.

Not One Red Cent [5.03][edit]

Lisbon: Jane. Jane wake up.
Jane: Yeah. What's the time?
Lisbon: Eight.
Jane: Oh we have to get going!
Lisbon: Where?
Jane: I'll explain it all in the car.
Lisbon: No, you'll explain it now please.
Jane: Oh I like it when you get all authoritarian on me.
Lisbon: Talk. Where are we going?
Jane: Catch Ernie's killer.
Lisbon: How? We don't have anything on Hutten.
Jane: Hutten didn't kill Ernie.
Lisbon: He didn't?
Jane: Well, he robbed the bank alright, but he was telling the truth when he said he didn't need to shoot anyone. Why would he do that? It's sloppy, not his style.
Lisbon: Jane, I need more than that.
Jane: Remember the safe deposit vault was open during the robbery? I just assumed that someone took something from there, but I got it all backwards. They didn't get anything, they put something in there.
Lisbon: What?
Jane: You really want me to tell you? It's gonna ruin the surprise.
Lisbon: Yes, I don't like surprises.
Jane: Three guesses then. I'll give you a hint? It's not animal, or vegetable.

Jane: You know, these shoes are actually quite comfortable. They're growing on me.
Lisbon: Not on me.
Jane: No?

Mancini: I think you know this guy, right?
Bertram: Teresa, I didn't take you for a gambler.
Lisbon: It's not gambling if you know you're gonna win.

Blood Feud [5.04][edit]

LaRoche: If I don't like what you have to say, you could walk out of this room charged with murder. Do you understand that?
Rigsby: Yes.

Nurse: Excuse me, can I help you?
Jane: There was a man attached to this needle. Have you seen him?

Steven Rigsby: Don't go too easy on him.
Rigsby: No parental advice, thanks.
Steven Risgby: What you got to complain about? I did my job.
Rigsby: You did your job...
Steven Rigsby: That's right. You're still here. You're a man of respect. Go around all over the places with a legit weapon. You got a handsome son. I did a good job.

Jane: You're gonna regret this someday.
Lisbon: What?
Jane: Well this, this paperwork. Every night you file it and forget it. You know what it's like? It's like cooking a beautiful meal and putting it straight into refrigerator, forever.
Lisbon: You could help.
Jane: No, I couldn't.
[LaRoche enters Lisbon's office]
Lisbon: So, what's your report gonna say?
LaRoche: It will say that agent Risgby acted appropriately and with sound judgment when he used lethal force against Moss. Good work. You got away with it.
Jane: Me?
LaRoche: Well I can't make a case, but you chose a remote location for the meeting, you set up a situation in where Moss had to flee. And there, by chance, was Risgby.
Jane: Well, I'm flattered. You flatter me, but I can't take credit for that.
Lisbon: Moss didn't have to run, I would have brought him in.
LaRoche: The plan did require Moss to put his own head in the noose. Small gamble Jane had to make to keep everyone's hands clean.
Lisbon: Moss fired his gun!
LaRoche: So you all say. And, of course, Moss can't tell his version. And now Rigsby has taken perfectly legal revenge against the man who killed his father. You think it will effect him?
Jane: Well I think it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.
LaRoche: Perhaps. I suppose Rigsby will never know. Agent Lisbon, my report will reflect that you made a mistake in calling agent Rigsby on the scene. An error in judgment.
Lisbon: Yes sir, it was.
Jane: Yeah, Lisbon didn't call Rigsby. I did.
Lisbon: Jane!
LaRoche: Of course you did. Agent Lisbon, your instincts to protect your team are admirable, and your biggest flaw.
Jane: Yes, but we all have our flaws. Don't we, agent LaRoche?

Red Dawn [5.05][edit]

Lisbon: What the hell are you doing Hannigan?!
Hannigan: Boss...
Lisbon: I told you to take him downstairs, not beat him up!
Hannigan: Sorry, okay? Sorry, I lost it.
Jane: No, no, it's fine, it's fine. My fault, my fault entirely. I provoked you.
Lisbon: God Hannigan, get him some ice!
Jane: I'm okay, I'm okay. Seriously, it's not his fault. I deserved it, okay?
Lisbon: He is supposed to act like a professional law officer all the times. Let's get you some ice, come on.
Jane: Teresa Lisbon. It's a... it's a nice name.

Minelli: Yes.
Alexa Schultz: Virgil Minelli?
Minelli: Yes, who's this?
Alexa Schultz: Alexa Schultz, FBI. We met at the forensics conference in Roanoke.
Minelli: Director Schultz. What a pleasure to hear from you.
Alexa Schultz: I understand the CBI has hired a new consultant, a man named Patrick Jane?
Minelli: Yes. I'm surprised you know, I didn't realise you followed our hiring that closely.
Alexa Schultz: Mister Jane is connected to a case we're interested in. The serial killer known as Red John. I'm, ehm, calling to ask a favour.
Minelli: What's that?
Alexa Schultz: I would appreciate updates on the Red John case. That way when my boss asks me what's going on, I have something to tell him.
Minelli: To put it bluntly Alexa, why would I do that? What's in it for me?
Alexa Schultz: Well it's useful to have a friend in the FBI, isn't it? And I'm a good friend.
Minelli: Well, I'm a great believer in interagencies cooperation. I don't see why we couldn't engage in some.
Alexa Schultz: I look forward to it, Virgil. Oh, by the way, one thing we might wanna know about Patrick Jane. You know how he's been out of sight in the past year? You know where he's been?
Minelli: No.
Alexa Schultz: In an insane asylum. Good luck... Done.
Kirkland: Thank you.

Cherry Picked [5.06][edit]

Isaac: No, don't answer that!
Jane: Why not?
Isaac: Just don't, give it to me.
Jane: Tell me.
Isaac: I can't.
Jane: Well, if you don't I'm gonna answer it.
Isaac: Don't! He told me not to involve the police.
Lisbon: Who did?
Isaac: The kidnapper. He took Marcus and Pella and he told me he'd kill them if I involved the police.
Jane: Then answer that.
Isaac: Hello?
Jane: (pretending to be the kidnapper) You alone?
Isaac: Yes.
Jane: Tell me... What are you wearing? Hahaha! Hi, how you doing? It's me, yeah! Hahaha!

Jane: I think you guys can handle it from here.
Lisbon: Hey. You never told me what happened with the driver.
Jane: Yeah must have... slipped my mind. Excuse me.
Lisbon: He knows something, doesn't he? Jane let me help you.

Kidnapper: [to Lisbon] Stop lying to me, bitch! I know they have it!
Jane: Hey! Just for that you're not gonna see a dime, not unless you do as I say! And if you don't, don't bother calling back!

Lisbon: You don't criticize his performance? Just mine?
Jane: He was good. You? Eeh.

If It Bleeds, It Leads [5.07][edit]

Jane: Lisbon. So it's murder, is it?
Lisbon: It is. Let's go to the news station the victim worked at.
Jane: Ehhm, I'm kinda busy. Maybe later.
Lisbon: That's not how it works. We have to do our jobs.
Jane: Well I think you can do it, you're very capable.
Lisbon: I'm not kidding. Come on, let's go.
Jane: Okay, I'll go to the news station with you, get you started and then you're on your own, alright?
Lisbon: I am not in the sixth grade, that doesn't work on me!
Jane: I can't promise I'll always be around to help you Teresa. There will come a time when you might have to do this on your own. And I want you to be prepared.
Lisbon: I am prepared to punch you in the face, all on my own.

Kasmir: [to Jane and Lisbon] You guys are great! Tough, good looking, sincere. Let's put you on the air, ask the public for information, you know bla, bla, bla.

Jane: Show Volker this sketch and watch his face.
Lisbon: I know what to do.
Jane: I know you do. You go girl!

Lisbon: You're doing what?!
Jane: I'm going on the air!

Lisbon: Give him some lipstick and some blush.

Lisbon: Volker is not going to get away with this. I'm gonna get him. If not for the murder, then for whatever Amanda Shaw can give me. Tax evasion, fraud, unpaid parking tickets. I'm gonna bring in Amanda and lean on her.
Jane: Look at you! So tough! I'm getting goosebumps. Rawr.

Volker: She left a suicide note, you know? Via e-mail.
Lisbon: You will not get away with this. I promise.
Volker: You have no idea what's happening at all, do you? Enjoy your job while you still have it Teresa.

Kirkland: Agent Lis-bon.
Lisbon: It's Lisbon.
Kirkland: Lisbon. Pardon me. Bob Kirkland, Homeland Security. We don't know each other, but we need to talk.
Lisbon: How can I help you Mister Kirkland?
Kirkland: Call me Bob.
Lisbon: Okay. What is it?
Kirkland: Volker. You need to stop worrying about him, okay?
Lisbon: "Stop worrying about him", what is that supposed to mean?
Kirkland: I'm telling you off the records, but it's being taken care of. Trust me. You should take a step back.
Lisbon: So you can take credit for the arrest? Not a chance.
Kirkland: No. No, it's not like that. But Volker is... a very powerful man. Agent. He contribuited to a lot of campaigns.
Lisbon: Is that supposed to scare me?
Kirkland: No. You just need to watch your step. Can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime?
Lisbon: ...Sure.

Kirkland: Sorry Mister Jane.
Jane: Do I know you?
Kirkland: No. But I know you.

Red Sails In The Sunset [5.08][edit]

Lisbon: Jane! He's okay.
Jane: Have you got her?
Lisbon: Not yet.
Jane: She's... She's on foot.
Kirkland: Agent Kirkland, Homeland Security. I need rescue south of Orr lake, forest road 42 north 12.
Jane: Who is that guy?
Lisbon: Don't talk. Help is on the way.
Jane: Hurts.
Lisbon: Shh, it's okay.

Jane: You'll never know.
Lisbon: I'll never know what?
Jane: Wether I engineered the escape and abduction.
Lisbon: Trust me, I know.
Jane: You don't know. You just guess. And you didn't tell your new best friend Kirkland either.
Lisbon: I don't have any evidence, if I did I would put you in cuff myself.
Jane: No you wouldn't.
Lisbon: Try me.
Jane: Hahaha...
Lisbon: What's so funny?
Jane: Nothing. Sorry. All of it's worth it. She told me Red John and I are very much alike. That it's a wonder we weren't best friends from the moment we shook hands.
Lisbon: You've met Red John?
Jane: Yes. He's someone I know.

Black Cherry [5.09][edit]

Lisbon: What if you never actually met Red John?
Jane: I haven't just met him, I've shaken hands with him. And she wasn't lying, she didn't realise what she told me.
Lisbon: Am I in that book?
Jane: She said it's a wonder Red John and I didn't become friends. Now what we have, I consider a friendship. So, my friend, you are free and clear.
Lisbon: That's a relief.

Lisbon: Hi, Noah. Listen, we have a sit-
Jane: You know Lisbon I have a great idea. A brilliant idea. Excuse me, one second.
Lisbon: What brilliant idea?
Jane: Well, uhm, there isn't one. I just don't want you to send that kid to a foster home.
Lisbon: I don't have any choice.
Jane: There's always choices.
Lisbon: Okay, like what?
Jane: Let them go home. You don't have to charge her sister yet, do you? Just, just think about it for a while.
Lisbon: She broke the law. I already called the DA and Child Services.
Jane: Just let them go home.

Bosh: Well, as I said, living room's exactly the same.
Jane: Well, not exactly. I like it.
Bosh: Good, good. Let's take a look at the extra bedroom.
Jane: No, no need. I'm really feeling it here. I think I need to be alone with the house for a moment. You know just to check out its aura.
Bosh: Aura?
Jane: Yeah. Well I'm not gonna buy a house unless we have compatible auras.
Bosh: Of course.
Jane: Ten minutes.
Bosh: Good. I'll be right outside.

Jane: Something happened at the company retreat, something bad.
Lisbon: What?
Jane: We will ask whoever comes through that front door. Down.
Lisbon: Really?
Jane: Come on. Hi.
Lisbon: Hi.

Jane wakes Lisbon up

Lisbon: What?
Jane: It's okay. You were talking in your sleep.
Lisbon: I was?
Jane: And drooling a little.
Lisbon: What was I saying?
Jane: Well- Someone's coming.

Panama Red [5.10][edit]

Lisbon: Jane, you can't obsess like this.
Jane: Obsess? I know that I've met Red John now. Shook his hand.

Jane: I think this puzzle box is the key. Whatever is in here was important enough to hide, but not valuable enough to put in that safe.
Cho: What do you think it is?
Jane: I don't know yet, it's a puzzle.
Lisbon: Cho, crack it open.
Jane: Oh, no no no no. It's my puzzle. All mine.

Security Agent: Hands in the air!
Jane: Already done.
Security Agent: Down on the ground!
Jane: Well, ehm... Hands in the air or down on the ground? I'm a little confused.

Jane: Patrick Jane, consultant. This isn't my boss.
Lisbon: I am Teresa Lisbon and I am his boss.

Rigsby: Summer Edgecombe. Wow.
Cho: Yeah.
Rigsby: It's not yours, is it?
Cho: No. She's in town for the wedding with the baby's father. It will be a pretty big deal apparently.
Rigsby: Wow.
Cho: You said that.

Lisbon: Who's Olivier Gans?
Jane: Uhm, don't know. Made him up.

Jane: Hi Lisbon.
Lisbon: I don't know what game you're playing, but I think you're getting carried away with this Olivier Gans thing.
Jane: How so?
Lisbon: I just got a call from the vice president of something or other of JG Allen Enterprises. They're up in arms about Gans.
Jane: Really?
Lisbon: They think he's trying to steal Turbo Wolf.
Jane: Well he hasn't yet, but he might soon. We should meet at his hotel.
Lisbon: The imaginary man has a hotel?
Jane: That's right.
Lisbon: Is this hotel imaginary too?
Jane: Oh no, very real. It's, uh, the Vista. In Clearlake. I'll meet you there in an hour. Bye.

Jane: See that face? That's exactly why I didn't tell you the plan.
Lisbon: It's not a good plan.
Jane: It's a good enough plan and Rigsby is wearing one of those ear thingies, I will talk him through the con. He'll be fine.
Lisbon: What if the killer doesn't show up?
Jane: Then we go back to old fashion police work. But this way we get to enjoy some room service. Please, have a seat.

Jane: Could you pass the cheese plate? This is getting good.

Rigsby: They're not concerned with provolone-- Provenance. They're not concerned with provenance.

Rigsby: Boss is it okay if I sit down?
Lisbon: You are sitting down Risgby.

Days Of Wine And Roses [5.11][edit]

Jane: Lisbon, you're distracted and you have an eager gleam in your eye. Either you have a breakthrough in the Volker case or you're in love! Which is it?
Lisbon: I got judge Davis to sign the warrant and Van Pelt should be getting Volker's records momentarily.
Jane: I was hoping it was love. You deserve happiness, but I'm glad for you anyway.

Jane: Mmh... Yeah well, let's leave God out of it, shall we?

Volker: Agent Lisbon.
Lisbon: What do you want Mr. Volker?
Volker: Brass tacks. I like that. As I’m sure you’re aware, I run a very successful business worth billions of dollars. You wanna know my secret? Transparency. Honesty. Open lines of communication. It’s the way I do business.
Lisbon: What's your point?
Volker: If you wanted my financial records, all you had to do was ask for them. I got nothing to hide. You found nothing, right?
Lisbon: Why? Is there something you're worried about?
Volker: Next time... just ask. You look good. You've been working out.
Lisbon: Get out of my office.
Volker: Have a lovely day, Agent Lisbon.

Jane: Hey Cho, you're freaking out the guests. Just relax with the copness.
Cho: I'm relaxed.

Lisbon: I’ve got a hit on Volker. I think I found his enforcer. He’s a guy named Charles Milk. I’m waiting to get a warrant on his residence.
Jane: Bravo.
Lisbon: There’s no way this guy is as smart or as careful as Volker. I can turn him.
Jane: Excellent police work, Lisbon. I admire your pluck.
Lisbon: I hear a “but”.
Jane: No “but”. I’m just a little worried that he’s inside your head. And believe me, that’s not a good road to go down. Bad neighborhood.
Lisbon: I think you can understand, I don’t really have a choice.
Jane: Well, yeah, I can certainly understand that. I just… I-I want you to be careful.
Lisbon: He may be powerful, but he is not invincible. And he’s not in my head.
Jane: I hope not. If you need my help, let me know.
Lisbon: No thanks. This one's mine.

Judge Manchester: Sometimes you are childishly naive Teresa.
Lisbon: That might be so, but which side would you rather be on? Childish naivete, or defeated cynicism?
Judge Manchester: Ouch.

Lisbon: Jane... I need your help.

Little Red Corvette [5.12][edit]

Jane: How did it go with Volker?
Lisbon: He gave us his DNA just like you said he would. He's behind us Jane, I know it.
Jane: But?
Lisbon: When the Grand Jury investigation was dropped Volker's lawyer had all the evidence in court document sealed from the case, including Jones' deposition. I think there's something in there that Volker doesn't want us to know, I just can't get my hands on it.
Jane: Well why can't you?
Lisbon: They're sealed documents, Jane. It's against the law.
Jane: Well if you wanna get Volker you can't let that stop you.
Lisbon: What do you suggest?
Jane: Ardiles is the deputy D.A., he's gonna have a deposition.
Lisbon: Ardiles is not gonna stick his neck out for me.
Jane: Well of course not, he's a smart lawyer. You have to get something on him that will make him help you.
Lisbon: Blackmail the deputy D.A.?
Jane: Sure, why not.
Lisbon: How can I get dirt on Ardiles?
Jane: Ask yourself this: who makes it their business to know everyone else's?

Lisbon: Hey. Any luck finding the kid?
Jane: We give his name and photo to local police and the FBI department of missing persons. It's just like finding a needle in a stack of needles.
Lisbon: I heard you talked to his mother.
Jane: Yes. She thinks the worst. Hard not to agree with her. What about you? Burning the midnight oil, I see.
Lisbon: There's gotta be something here.
Jane: Mmh.
Lisbon: Jane, Amanda Shaw was my witness. I gave her my word that I'd protect her, and Volker had her killed.

Jane: Mr. Volker. Patrick Jane, I work with Teresa Lisbon.
Volker: Ah yes, Mr. Jane. Nice to meet you. A friend of Teresa's. She's a fascinating woman, isn't she?
Jane: Certainly. Well that was impressive. Not only are you a super successful businessman, but you're quite the vivid story teller. For a moment there I was splashing around in that puddle with Spike growing some gills.
Volker: Is there something you needed?
Jane: Need? No. I just want to meet you when I have the chance.
Volker: Are you going somewhere?
Jane: No. But you are. After your arrest things are bound to get a little hectic and I probably wanted to have to chance to introduce myself so here I am.
Volker: Very droll. But you and I both know that I'm not going to be arrested.
Jane: You sure about that?

Volker: I'm looking for agent Lisbon.
Cho: Boss.
Lisbon: What are you doing here?
Volker: Such hostility. And here I thought we were mending fences.
Lisbon: Answer the question.
Volker: I came to ask you to drop this ridiculous investigation. I hate to see an officer of the law humiliated like this.
Lisbon: Cho, will you show Mr. Volker outta here?
Cho: Gladly.
Volker: Came to offer your best interest.
Jane: No you're not. You want us to think that you're gloating, but you're not. You're afraid.
Volker: Afraid? This certainly is a strange way to showing it.
Jane: I can see right through you. We were close searching your offices like that. Too close. You want us to think that you're in control, that you're untouchable, but you're not. You're afraid of us. And you should be.

The Red Barn [5.13][edit]

Lisbon: You think you're so mysterious. I know what you're doing in there.
Jane: Oh really? What?
Lisbon: You're making a list trying to figure out who it is that you've met who is Red John.
Jane: Not just met, shaken hands with.
Lisbon: How many people are in that list anyway?
Jane: A lot.

Rigsby: Ladies and gentlemen, ten years ago Teresa Lisbon left the San Francisco police department to join the California Bureau of Investigation. Today she is without doubt the rootinest, tootinest, sharp-shootinest cop in the whole state of California. Happy anniversary boss.

Lisbon: Good morning. Thank you for the party, it was very thoughtful.
Rigsby: You're welcome.
Lisbon: But I'm never gonna forgive you for that stripper.

Jane: How was the rest of the party?
Lisbon: Torture. Like it can't happen ever ever again.
Jane: Ten years, huh?
Lisbon: More, actually. One year with you counts as two.

Red In Tooth And Claw [5.14][edit]

Lisbon: There you are.
Jane: We should come by sometimes when there's not a corpse here to meet us.

Lisbon: Bertram is supposed to be this real smooth player, but he looses a couple of hands at poker and he has to bum everyone else out.

Jane: Bingo! Woooho! Bingo!

Bertram: See? I know how to play poker.
Jane: Of course you do.
Bertram: You play the man, not the cards. I know the odds, I know myself.
Jane: You know people, you know how to control them. Not that you always care.
Bertram: What does that mean?
Jane: Well, you win more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you use vinegar anyway.
Bertram: Is this about Lisbon?
Jane: You're very fond of the fake tell, aren't you? Before you bet you look away and you breath out very slowly, like you're tring to calm yourself.
Bertram: Yes.
Jane: Well, you have a tell inside the fake tell. When you're bluffing the breathing is audible.
Bertram: What the hell is it? I-I control myself!
Jane: You get yourself a good hand and puff away like that Manchester will for sure think you're bluffing. Trust me.

Rigsby: How can you like triceratops more than T-rex?
Cho: T-rex's for losers. Little arms. It's a big chicken with teeth.
Rigsby: Yeah and triceratops is basically a pig with horns.
Cho: And a shield on its head. Beats a giant chicken any day of the week.

Rigsby: Would have been nice to say goodbye.
Cho: Yeah well, cowards don't get to say goodbye when they want.
Rigsby: Coward? Wow, where did that come from? You calling me a coward?
Cho: Yep.
Risgby: How so?
Cho: How long have you been pretending you're not in love with Van Pelt?
Rigsby: Who says I'm in love with Van Pelt? I was, once, a long time ago, but not anymore. We're just... We're just... Good friends.
Cho: You're a coward and a terrible liar.
Risgby: Says you. Coward. What does he know about relationships? You date pregnant hookers and your dinosaur eats grass!

Jane: Morning.
Lisbon: Good morning! We're gonna be short-staffed for a while. Van Pelt's off to L.A. Thank you.
Jane: Little education is a beautiful thing. Speaking of which, I've upset the ecosystem of the poker game.
Lisbon: I think you've been spending too much time at the museum. "Upset the ecosystem"?
Jane: Bertram's now a better poker player because of me, the ecosystem is changed. You need to adapt or die.
Lisbon: Who says I need the help?
Jane: Don't try to razzle dazzle me. Money talks.
Lisbon: What do we use for stakes, we can't play poker without stakes.
Jane: Oh I have that covered. Herbivores are worth one, carnivores are worth five.
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: Deal.
Lisbon: What do you got?
Jane: All-in.
Lisbon: You're bluffing, I call.
Jane: Really?
Lisbon: Okay, are you cheating?
Jane: No. I'm gonna smoke you.

Red Lacquer Nail Polish [5.15][edit]

Lisbon: This place gives me the creeps.
Jane: Normally I'd be tempted to mock your superstition, but in this case I'm inclined to agree.

Jane: Seems like a civilized way to travel, don't you think?
Lisbon: Are you kidding? Stuck on that thing in the middle of the ocean? It's like being in a prison cell with a chance of drowning.

Jane: We could get on board and wait.
Lisbon: Not until we have a warrant, we're not.
Jane: Rules are just so tiresome and boring.

Jane: Uhm, Lisbon, I'm sorry, but I think we might have to get back to the crime scene.
Lisbon: Really? That place was so creepy.
Jane: Yes. But I'm worried we might have missed something because of that.
Lisbon: Okay, fine. But no jumping out and yelling "boo" at me or anything like that.
Jane: I mean, seriously, what do you take me for?
Lisbon: I'm not going to answer that because I am a nice person.

Lisbon: What? We followed the evidence.
Jane: You, you did. Follow the evidence.
Lisbon: Okay. I was wrong. But we followed the evidence!
Jane: You know what gave me second thoughts about Elise Vogelsong? She read too many murder mystery novels.
Lisbon: There you go. That's not police work. That's guessing.
Jane: You should try it sometimes. Now I'm gonna pursue Red John. Ciao!

There Will Be Blood [5.16][edit]

Lisbon: Bertram is bringing Homeland into the Lorelai murder... Did you hear me?!
Jane: Yes.
Lisbon: Now that she's killed someone they're gonna start looking again into her escape.
Jane: That's likely.
Lisbon: Jane. I know you broke her out of prison. And you know I know.
Jane: And I know you know I know.
Lisbon: This is not funny! If they find out you could be charged as an accomplice to murder.
Jane: Well, if they find out. They won't, unless of course you sing to the coppers.
Lisbon: Which I won't, and that makes me an accomplice to murder as well.
Jane: Well only if you look at it as a very persnickety lawyer.
Lisbon: She tortured someone!
Jane: Yes. It's, it's horrible, I know. But she must have had good reason.
Lisbon: God, can you hear yourself?!
Jane: Yes, I can hear myself! Julia Howard must have helped murder Lorelai's sister. Must have been there with Red John. Lorelai wouldn't do this otherwise. I trust her.
Lisbon: ...Jane. I am your partner, not her. You need to be honest with me.
Jane: I know.
Lisbon: If she contacts you, if you find anything out about her, if you have any insights about the case...
Jane: I will tell you.

Jane: You're foolish doing this on your own. Let me help you.
Lorelai: No. I've done terrible things, unforgivable things. There's no way back. You and me are on different roads I hope.

Lisbon: You're putting your trust in the mistress of a serial killer. She's playing you.
Jane: Playing me? How?
Lisbon: You're blind. You're involved with her, it's clouding your judgement.
Jane: There's no involvement. I feel nothing for her.
Lisbon: Now you're really lying! ...I will make this very simple. I will not be a part of this and neither will you if you want to remain on the team.
Jane: An ultimatum? Someone is playing a little too much poker... I confess. I may have some feelings, but if I have crossed any lines it is not because I like her. I will do anything I can to get to Red John, but you have known that since the start.

Bertram: When it comes to Lorelai Martins I don't think Jane can be trusted.
Lisbon: I don't know if that's true.
Bertram: He's admitted to a sexual relationship with her. Then Martins kidnaps him and they spend days alone together. Don't you ever wonder what went on between them?
Lisbon: ...

Lisbon: You're not coming.
Jane: Yes I am.
Lisbon: Jane, listen. I know you wanna be a part of this, but I need you to stay here.
Jane: There's no reason for me to stay here.
Lisbon: Yes there is a reason. If things go wrong you need to be far away. You're in too deep. Jane, I'm asking you. Please, stay here.

Red, White And Blue [5.17][edit]

Jane: Discipline always comes with a price.

Jane: We have to go back to the crime scene.
Lisbon: Why?
Jane: I want a taco.

Risgby: Look on the bright side. In prison you won't have to pay for dates.

Behind The Red Curtain [5.18][edit]

Lisbon: You're playing with fire.
Jane: There are worse things to play with.

Jane: You spend your days chasing paperclips. When do you ever get the chance to nail a killer?

LaRoche: Excuse me, your coat is playing the Fifth Symphony.

Red Letter Day [5.19][edit]

Grace: Sorry. It was a welcome back gift.
Lisbon: Very thoughtful, Wayne.
Rigsby: How did you know it's from me?
Lisbon: I'm a homicide detective.

Jane: Don't you think it's odd Homeland Security's fascination with a California serial killer?
Lisbon: Everything about Bob Kirkland is odd.

Jane: Here we go Lisbon... Gossip.

Rigsby: Go ahead. Say it. Now you're supposed to say "say what?". And I say "you think I'm an idiot for buying Van Pelt that orchid". You know what? I'm glad I did. Cause now the ball's in her court. I'm gonna be so zen about this. The move's hers. I'm gonna be the reed that bends in the breeze.
Cho: You're still in love with her. But instead of telling her, you bought her a plant.
Rigsby: That's pretty zen though, right?

Jane: Beautiful orchid, Grace. Well chosen, Rigsby.

Cho: You're gonna touch all of them?
Rigsby: Haven't touched that one. I'm looking for poppy.
Cho: Lisbon took it. If you want poppy, grab the everything bagel.
Rigsby: Yeah, but it has all the other stuff on it. Like those onion scrubs, I mean what are the point of those?
Cho: All I see is problems.
Rigsby: All I see is bagels.
Cho: Just make a choice.

Risgby: So what is Jane gonna do?
Lisbon: No idea.
Risgby: Really?
Lisbon: Sometimes it's best just to be relaxed about this stuff.

Red Velvet Cupcakes [5.20][edit]

Lisbon: Jane, I need you.
Jane: It's nice to be needed. Anything for you, Lisbon.

Lisbon: He has a talk show, "Prescriptions for love with Buddy Hennings". What? I listened to it in my car a few times.
Jane: Alright. I'll go talk to Buddy Hennings, love doctor, and you check out the shady bakery.
Lisbon: Van Pelt and Rigsby can handle it. I'll go to the radio station with you.
Jane: Ah, that's because you're fan!
Lisbon: I am not! I just think he's a viable lead.
Jane: It's alright Lisbon. We all have our guilty pleasures.

Lisbon: Hi, we need to speak with Buddy Hennings.
Secretary: If you want to be on the show, you have to fill out this form and take it to couple's intake.
Lisbon: Oh, we're not a couple. Please.
Jane: What she means is ours is more of a platonic love.

Jane: I have a very exciting assignment for you, Grace.
Van Pelt: You do? Cool, what is it?
Jane: These are for you. Try them on.
Lisbon: Nothing for me?
Jane: Trust me, you wouldn't like them.

Jane: Your brow is furrowed and you have that squinty look in your eye. You want to talk to me about the whole foot fetish thing that the catholic school girl in you tells you it's not necessarily appropriate.
Lisbon: You're right. I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it.
Jane: I mean, "fetish" is a strong word, but everyone has that thing. It's just human nature.
Lisbon: I don't.
Jane: Oh come on Lisbon. Don't deny yourself that freedom. There's definitely something out there that works for you, something that flips your switch. Like turtlenecks.
Lisbon: You're right. It's inappropriate. Good night!
Jane: Turtlenecks it is.

Red And Itchy [5.21][edit]

Rigsby: The Tupperware's a clue. Why hide something in Tupperware?
Lisbon: I don't know. Keep it fresh?
Van Pelt: Nothing stays fresh for nine years.
Lisbon: Well, maybe LaRoche needed a box, and the Tupperware was handy.
Rigsby: No. Tupperware's never handy. It's always in the wrong drawer.
Van Pelt: And when you do find it, the lid's always missing.
Rigsby: Right? I hate that.

LaRoche:: My time is running out. Whatever happens, I want to thank you for trying to help me.
Jane: Well, truth is, you're a hard man not to help, LaRoche. You're like a Shar-Pei puppy that's rolled onto its back. You have to rub its belly.
LaRoche: You're mocking me.
Jane: No, no, I'm happy to rub your belly.
LaRoche: That won't be necessary.
Jane: I hope not.

Lisbon: Why don't you just ask LaRoche what's in the box?
Jane: He's not gonna tell me voluntarily. It's embarrassing to him and deeply personal.
Lisbon: And it's in Tupperware?
Jane: Yes. How could you not want to investigate?

Jane: Two years ago, I hired a petty thief to break into LaRoche's safe for a list of Red John suspects.
Lisbon: Yeah, I know. I had to slug the guy in front of his lawyer to keep you out of jail. Cost me six months in anger management.
Jane: Yeah, and I hope you learned something. (Lisbon hits him)

Red John's Rules [5.22][edit]

Lisbon: What if he's right? What if Red John really does have powers?
Jane: Please. A-and what if dolphins were actually aliens from another galaxy? That would be kind of cool.

Lisbon: Where were you the night before last?
Barlow: Oh, I was far away, communing with the spirits. Where were you? Let me see. Lying in bed, thinking of Patrick. You're a little in love with him, eh? But he's so secretive and controlling. That's hard, isn't it?

Barlow: Red John. Any punk killer who wants to fool with you can paint a smiley face on the wall. "Ooh, it's Red John"
Jane: It was Red John.
Barlow: Red John has your mind completely messed up. You see him every place you look. You think you're getting closer, but he is just playing with you.
Jane: We'll see.
Barlow: Has it never occurred to you to ask exactly how Red John is always one step ahead of you? How is it he seems to read your mind?
Jane: You tell me.
Barlow: Red John's got powers. Real psychic powers that you refuse to believe in. Teresa will hear what I'm saying, but you've no faith, so you're deaf to the truth. He's got powers. That's why he'll always defeat you.

Lisbon: (about Jane's suspect list) Are these people I know well?
Jane: Very well.
Lisbon: J.J. LaRoche?
Jane: No.
Lisbon: Ardiles?
Jane: Hmm. Interesting guess. No.
Lisbon: Would you tell me if I guess right?
Jane: Nope.
Lisbon: You're killing me.

Jane: (at the crime scene) This is Red John.
Lisbon: How can you tell?
Jane: Because when it's him, I can feel it.

Season 6[edit]

The Desert Rose [6.01][edit]

Red-Winged Blackbird [6.02][edit]

Wedding in Red [6.03][edit]


External links[edit]

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