The Mentalist (season 5)

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The Mentalist (2008–2015) is an American crime procedural television series, airing on CBS, about a private investigator who uses his skills of observation to help the police solve crimes.

The Crimson Ticket [5.01][edit]

Jane: Your inarticulate rage is understandable, but it's misplaced. You should probably just calm down.
Mancini: You calm yourself down, I'm not angry.
Jane: No? Your temples are pulsing like some weird under-sea creature. If that's not anger you should see a doctor.

Lisbon: It's like a bad date. I wish these bozos would just vanish.

Jane: Have you ever seen your mother naked?

Lisbon: So did you buy that bracelet for Lorelei?
Jane: No, just a whim. Liked it. When I talk to her I need to be alone.
Lisbon: You will be.
Jane: I mean, with nobody watching or listening. I need to be able to tell her truthfully that we are alone.
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: Thank you.
Lisbon: Just be careful. Don't get pulled into her game.
Jane: And what game is that?
Lisbon: I don't know, you tell me.
Jane: Well, I'm supposed to tell the game that you're thinking of? Okay, you're thinking of... Twister?
Lisbon: Go ahead. Laugh. But she's practically the first person since your wife that you...
Jane: Ooh!
Lisbon: It wouldn't be surprising if you had feelings for her.
Jane: She's a stepping stone to Red John. I knew that from the beginning. I don't have any feelings for her.

Lorelei: Hello Patrick.
Jane: Lorelei.
Lorelei: Is it just us or are your friends listening?
Jane: Just us, we're alone.
Lorelei: Good. Much nicer that way.
Jane: Sorry I didn't come to visit you sooner, I've been a little busy with a case.
Lorelei: It's okay. I've been enjoying the peace and quiet.
Jane: You need anything?
Lorelei: I'm fine. Never mind about me, how are you? Back to solving crimes, huh?
Jane: Yes.
Lorelei: Why do you bother? You're trying to hold back the tide with a broom. I think you do it to be close to Teresa Lisbon. I think you're a little bit in love with her.
Jane: I-I do it to...pass the time.

Jane: I can do anything you want if you give me Red John.
Lorelei: I want your trust and friendship.
Jane: You have that.
Lorelei: I don't believe you.
Jane: How can I make you believe?
Lorelei: Kiss me.
Jane: What does that prove?
Lorelei: First you say you'll do anything I want, then you refuse the first thing I ask for. You're very complicated.
[Jane leans in and kisses Lorelei, while Lisbon listens in, shocked]

Lisbon: What are you? Huh? Crazy?
Jane: Excuse me?
Lisbon: I told you to be careful. I told you not to go over the edge.
Jane: And I told you not to listen.
Lisbon: Don't be childish! I am not your girlfriend, I am an officer of the law! How could I not listen?! You kissed her. And you offered to help her escape.
Jane: And I would ask her to marry me if I thought she would buy it. I was playing her.
Lisbon: She was playing you.

Lisbon: I don't think you should be talking to Lorelei. You're too close.
Jane: Well I disagree.
Lisbon: I could put a stop to this right now. One word to Bertram -
Jane: Please don't do that. I know I can turn her. I know I can. And I promise you I will be careful.
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: [Touching Lisbon's shoulder] Thank you.

Rigsby: Ah well done.
Cho: Good job, when do we get her back?
Jane: The judge said we can pick her up from County Jail tomorrow.
Rigsby: Did Mancini really throw a bottle at you?
Jane: Yes he did. And then he proceeded to chase me through the State House. But failed to catch me.
Lisbon: Congratulations, another mortal enemy made. You should be very proud.

Jane: Look, I'm sorry by the way.
Lisbon: For what? There's a long list of possibilities.
Jane: Well, it's just some general apologies. Use it for your top issue.
Lisbon: Thanks.

Devil's Cherry [5.02][edit]

Jane: I had a daughter named Charlotte.
Charlotte: I know..
Jane: No. No you don't. Who put you up to this? Red John?
Charlotte: Red John, Red John, Red John. I'm so over Red John!
Jane: You are not my daughter. My daughter was murdered. I found her body.
Charlotte: You are safe, you are loved and you are wise.
Jane: Who told you those words?
Charlotte: You did. Every night when you tucked me in the bed.

Charlotte: What happened to you? I've been dead for ten years and you're still stuck in neutral. You have no life, just this endless obsession. Red John, Red John. Mom would not be happy.
Jane: Well, my relationship with your mother is... it's my business. Show a little respect.
Charlotte: Hello? I'm a figment of your imagination. Show yourself some respect.
Jane: This is what I've missing out? All these years? When you're gonna go to college again?
Charlotte: Look at you, you can't even be real with someone who doesn't even exist. Does anyone know who you are?
Jane: Yes.
Charlotte: Who? Come on, who?
Jane: Lisbon.

[Jane gets into his car to realise Charlotte is there]
Jane: Still here.
Charlotte: You're still tripping.
Jane: It would seem so.
Charlotte: You really shouldn't be driving. And you especially should not be driving an ambulance.
Jane: [looks around to see that he's actually in an ambulance] Well that was some strong tea...[sees Lisbon approaching] Oh-oh.
Lisbon: Now you're stealing an ambulance!
Jane: No! I'm just admiring the interior. Wicked GPS. How much you think one of these rigs goes for?
Lisbon: You need bed rest!
Jane: I need to go back to the crime scene.
Charlotte: What's her story? She have a boyfriend?
Jane: Be quiet.
Lisbon: I didn't say anything.
Jane: I was talking to the hallucination.
Lisbon: In bed. Now.
Jane: When I was in the victim's kitchen I made a break through in the case. At least I thought I did. That's about when the wacky tea kicked in.
Lisbon: Fine, I will have Van Pelt come down here with crime scene photos.
Jane: Not the same, I have to be there. Hallucinations are part of the subconscious, mine could be clues.
Lisbon: We'll go when you're lucid!
Jane: When I'm lucid I could forget everything. But right now, let me tell you, right now my visions are very very real.
Lisbon: In other words, you wanna use drugs to solve a case.
Jane: Some great minds did their best work on hallucinogens.
Lisbon: Now you have a great mind?
Charlotte: Uhuh! I like her!
Jane: Oh you're funny. Double act, huh?
Lisbon: Jane, you're scaring me.
Jane: Teresa, you can call me Patrick. Drugs is not the path I would choose, but it's been chosen for me, so I must stay the course. Please, I implore you, take me back to the crime scene.

Jane: Last thing I remember was admiring this beautiful butterfly right here.
Lisbon: Real or imagine?
Jane: Real, I think. Then I heard a bang in that pot there on the stove.
Lisbon: What was in the pot?
Jane: A rabbit.
Lisbon: Like that rabbit?
Jane: Yeah, just like that. But my rabbit was real with a diamond necklace.
Lisbon: That is some hallucinogen.
Charlotte: She's kinda cute. Have you guys ever..?
Jane: You be quiet.

Charlotte: I liked the other workshop better.
Jane: Shh.
Charlotte: This is dull. Why do you work for the CBI anyway?
Jane: You know why. To catch Red John.
Charlotte: Okay. Whatever.
Jane: What does that mean? "Okay. Whatever."?
Charlotte: Well to be honest your obsession is a little creepy and weird, you know.
Jane: What? I do it all for you. And your mom.
Charlotte: Yeah. I hate to be the one who breaks it to you dad, but... there's nothing that you can do for us. We don't give a damn what happens to Red John. I mean, we're dead. Gone. You need to start dealing with that.
Jane: I deal with that every day.
Charlotte: Maybe that's the problem.

Jane: Hang on, where are you going?
Charlotte: Hello? I'm practically a grown woman, I don't need to tell you where I'm going.
Jane: No, yeah, I-I know. You're coming back?
Charlotte: I love you dad.

Not One Red Cent [5.03][edit]

Lisbon: Jane. Jane wake up.
Jane: Yeah. What's the time?
Lisbon: Eight.
Jane: Oh we have to get going!
Lisbon: Where?
Jane: I'll explain it all in the car.
Lisbon: No, you'll explain it now please.
Jane: Oh I like it when you get all authoritarian on me.
Lisbon: Talk. Where are we going?
Jane: Catch Ernie's killer.
Lisbon: How? We don't have anything on Hutten.
Jane: Hutten didn't kill Ernie.
Lisbon: He didn't?
Jane: Well, he robbed the bank alright, but he was telling the truth when he said he didn't need to shoot anyone. Why would he do that? It's sloppy, not his style.
Lisbon: Jane, I need more than that.
Jane: Remember the safe deposit vault was open during the robbery? I just assumed that someone took something from there, but I got it all backwards. They didn't get anything, they put something in there.
Lisbon: What?
Jane: You really want me to tell you? It's gonna ruin the surprise.
Lisbon: Yes, I don't like surprises.
Jane: Three guesses then. I'll give you a hint? It's not animal, or vegetable.

Jane: You know, these shoes are actually quite comfortable. They're growing on me.
Lisbon: Not on me.
Jane: No?

Mancini: I think you know this guy, right?
Bertram: Teresa, I didn't take you for a gambler.
Lisbon: It's not gambling if you know you're gonna win.

Blood Feud [5.04][edit]

LaRoche: If I don't like what you have to say, you could walk out of this room charged with murder. Do you understand that?
Rigsby: Yes.

Nurse: Excuse me, can I help you?
Jane: There was a man attached to this needle. Have you seen him?

Steven Rigsby: Don't go too easy on him.
Rigsby: No parental advice, thanks.
Steven Risgby: What you got to complain about? I did my job.
Rigsby: You did your job...
Steven Rigsby: That's right. You're still here. You're a man of respect. Go around all over the places with a legit weapon. You got a handsome son. I did a good job.

Jane: You're gonna regret this someday.
Lisbon: What?
Jane: Well this, this paperwork. Every night you file it and forget it. You know what it's like? It's like cooking a beautiful meal and putting it straight into refrigerator, forever.
Lisbon: You could help.
Jane: No, I couldn't.
[LaRoche enters Lisbon's office]
Lisbon: So, what's your report gonna say?
LaRoche: It will say that agent Risgby acted appropriately and with sound judgment when he used lethal force against Moss. Good work. You got away with it.
Jane: Me?
LaRoche: Well I can't make a case, but you chose a remote location for the meeting, you set up a situation in where Moss had to flee. And there, by chance, was Risgby.
Jane: Well, I'm flattered. You flatter me, but I can't take credit for that.
Lisbon: Moss didn't have to run, I would have brought him in.
LaRoche: The plan did require Moss to put his own head in the noose. Small gamble Jane had to make to keep everyone's hands clean.
Lisbon: Moss fired his gun!
LaRoche: So you all say. And, of course, Moss can't tell his version. And now Rigsby has taken perfectly legal revenge against the man who killed his father. You think it will effect him?
Jane: Well I think it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.
LaRoche: Perhaps. I suppose Rigsby will never know. Agent Lisbon, my report will reflect that you made a mistake in calling agent Rigsby on the scene. An error in judgment.
Lisbon: Yes sir, it was.
Jane: Yeah, Lisbon didn't call Rigsby. I did.
Lisbon: Jane!
LaRoche: Of course you did. Agent Lisbon, your instincts to protect your team are admirable, and your biggest flaw.
Jane: Yes, but we all have our flaws. Don't we, agent LaRoche?

Red Dawn [5.05][edit]

Lisbon: What the hell are you doing Hannigan?!
Hannigan: Boss...
Lisbon: I told you to take him downstairs, not beat him up!
Hannigan: Sorry, okay? Sorry, I lost it.
Jane: No, no, it's fine, it's fine. My fault, my fault entirely. I provoked you.
Lisbon: God Hannigan, get him some ice!
Jane: I'm okay, I'm okay. Seriously, it's not his fault. I deserved it, okay?
Lisbon: He is supposed to act like a professional law officer all the times. Let's get you some ice, come on.
Jane: Teresa Lisbon. It's a... it's a nice name.

Minelli: Yes.
Alexa Schultz: Virgil Minelli?
Minelli: Yes, who's this?
Alexa Schultz: Alexa Schultz, FBI. We met at the forensics conference in Roanoke.
Minelli: Director Schultz. What a pleasure to hear from you.
Alexa Schultz: I understand the CBI has hired a new consultant, a man named Patrick Jane?
Minelli: Yes. I'm surprised you know, I didn't realise you followed our hiring that closely.
Alexa Schultz: Mister Jane is connected to a case we're interested in. The serial killer known as Red John. I'm, ehm, calling to ask a favour.
Minelli: What's that?
Alexa Schultz: I would appreciate updates on the Red John case. That way when my boss asks me what's going on, I have something to tell him.
Minelli: To put it bluntly Alexa, why would I do that? What's in it for me?
Alexa Schultz: Well it's useful to have a friend in the FBI, isn't it? And I'm a good friend.
Minelli: Well, I'm a great believer in interagencies cooperation. I don't see why we couldn't engage in some.
Alexa Schultz: I look forward to it, Virgil. Oh, by the way, one thing we might wanna know about Patrick Jane. You know how he's been out of sight in the past year? You know where he's been?
Minelli: No.
Alexa Schultz: In an insane asylum. Good luck... Done.
Kirkland: Thank you.

Cherry Picked [5.06][edit]

Isaac: No, don't answer that!
Jane: Why not?
Isaac: Just don't, give it to me.
Jane: Tell me.
Isaac: I can't.
Jane: Well, if you don't I'm gonna answer it.
Isaac: Don't! He told me not to involve the police.
Lisbon: Who did?
Isaac: The kidnapper. He took Marcus and Pella and he told me he'd kill them if I involved the police.
Jane: Then answer that.
Isaac: Hello?
Jane: (pretending to be the kidnapper) You alone?
Isaac: Yes.
Jane: Tell me... What are you wearing? Hahaha! Hi, how you doing? It's me, yeah! Hahaha!

Jane: I think you guys can handle it from here.
Lisbon: Hey. You never told me what happened with the driver.
Jane: Yeah must have... slipped my mind. Excuse me.
Lisbon: He knows something, doesn't he? Jane let me help you.

Kidnapper: [to Lisbon] Stop lying to me, bitch! I know they have it!
Jane: Hey! Just for that you're not gonna see a dime, not unless you do as I say! And if you don't, don't bother calling back!

Lisbon: You don't criticize his performance? Just mine?
Jane: He was good. You? Eeh.

If It Bleeds, It Leads [5.07][edit]

Jane: Lisbon. So it's murder, is it?
Lisbon: It is. Let's go to the news station the victim worked at.
Jane: Ehhm, I'm kinda busy. Maybe later.
Lisbon: That's not how it works. We have to do our jobs.
Jane: Well I think you can do it, you're very capable.
Lisbon: I'm not kidding. Come on, let's go.
Jane: Okay, I'll go to the news station with you, get you started and then you're on your own, alright?
Lisbon: I am not in the sixth grade, that doesn't work on me!
Jane: I can't promise I'll always be around to help you, Teresa. There will come a time when you might have to do this on your own. And I want you to be prepared.
Lisbon: I am prepared to punch you in the face, all on my own.

Kasmir: [to Jane and Lisbon] You guys are great! Tough, good-looking, sincere. Let's put you on the air, ask the public for information, you know, blah, blah, blah.

Jane: There she was, worrying about journalism, while you were throwing yourself at Hunt and Kasmir, and she's the one that ends up with the anchor chair.
Tara Skye: Yeah. I mean, no. I me— what?
Jane: Hell hath no fury like a slut outflanked. You must have felt like killing her.
Skye: Yeah. W— Wait, no!
Jane: Really?
Skye: No!
[she slaps Jane]
Jane: Ow!
Skye: How dare you?!
Jane: Well, she's a definite maybe. That should give you enough to work with, though, don't you think?
Lisbon: I hope that hurt.

Jane: Show Volker this sketch and watch his face.
Lisbon: I know what to do.
Jane: I know you do. You go girl!

Lisbon: You're doing what?!
Jane: I'm going on the air!

Lisbon: Give him some lipstick and some blush.

Lisbon: Volker is not going to get away with this. I'm gonna get him. If not for the murder, then for whatever Amanda Shaw can give me. Tax evasion, fraud, unpaid parking tickets. I'm gonna bring in Amanda and lean on her.
Jane: Look at you! So tough! I'm getting goosebumps. Rawr.

Volker: She left a suicide note, you know? Via e-mail.
Lisbon: You will not get away with this. I promise.
Volker: You have no idea what's happening at all, do you? Enjoy your job while you still have it, Teresa.

Kirkland: Agent Lis-bon.
Lisbon: It's Lisbon.
Kirkland: Lisbon. Pardon me. Bob Kirkland, Homeland Security. We don't know each other, but we need to talk.
Lisbon: How can I help you Mister Kirkland?
Kirkland: Call me Bob.
Lisbon: Okay. What is it?
Kirkland: Volker. You need to stop worrying about him, okay?
Lisbon: "Stop worrying about him", what is that supposed to mean?
Kirkland: I'm telling you off the records, but it's being taken care of. Trust me. You should take a step back.
Lisbon: So you can take credit for the arrest? Not a chance.
Kirkland: No. No, it's not like that. But Volker is... a very powerful man. Agent. He contributed to a lot of campaigns.
Lisbon: Is that supposed to scare me?
Kirkland: No. You just need to watch your step. Can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime?
Lisbon: ...Sure.

Jane: Ooh, excuse me.
Kirkland: Sorry, Mister Jane.
Jane: Do I know you?
Kirkland: No. But I know you.

Red Sails In The Sunset [5.08][edit]

Lisbon: Jane! He's okay.
Jane: Have you got her?
Lisbon: Not yet.
Jane: She's... She's on foot.
Kirkland: Agent Kirkland, Homeland Security. I need rescue south of Orr lake, forest road 42 north 12.
Jane: Who is that guy?
Lisbon: Don't talk. Help is on the way.
Jane: Hurts.
Lisbon: Shh, it's okay.

Dana Martins: I don't like your tone.
Lisbon: Dana, your daughter is the mistress of a psychopathic killer, yet you have no information to give us about how or why she got that way. Frankly, I don't care if you like my tone.

Jane: You'll never know.
Lisbon: I'll never know what?
Jane: Wether I engineered the escape and abduction.
Lisbon: Trust me, I know.
Jane: You don't know. You just guess. And you didn't tell your new best friend Kirkland either.
Lisbon: I don't have any evidence, if I did I would put you in cuff myself.
Jane: No you wouldn't.
Lisbon: Try me.
Jane: Hahaha...
Lisbon: What's so funny?
Jane: Nothing. Sorry. All of it's worth it. She told me Red John and I are very much alike. That it's a wonder we weren't best friends from the moment we shook hands.
Lisbon: You've met Red John?
Jane: Yes. He's someone I know.

Black Cherry [5.09][edit]

Jane: Yo, Chip. Front and center.
Chip McGavin: I'm starting to resent you.
Jane: Good. You a member of a street gang?
McGavin: No, of course not.
Jane: Really? Did you kill this man?
McGavin: No, I did not.
Jane: Liar. I can see it in your eyes. Arrest him, Lisbon.
McGavin: Wait a minute. You can't do that.
Jane: Yeah, I'm just kidding. But next time you come across a dead body, Chip, show a little respect. Thank you.
Lisbon: I'm sorry. Uh, Rigsby, would you interview Mr. McGavin? Thank you. [to Jane] You know what? You can write my name down in that book.

Lisbon: What if you never actually met Red John?
Jane: I haven't just met him, I've shaken hands with him. And she wasn't lying, she didn't realise what she told me.
Lisbon: Am I in that book?
Jane: She said it's a wonder Red John and I didn't become friends. Now what we have, I consider a friendship. So, my friend, you are free and clear.
Lisbon: That's a relief.

Lisbon: Hi, Noah. Listen, we have a sit-
Jane: You know Lisbon I have a great idea. A brilliant idea. Excuse me, one second.
Lisbon: What brilliant idea?
Jane: Well, uhm, there isn't one. I just don't want you to send that kid to a foster home.
Lisbon: I don't have any choice.
Jane: There's always choices.
Lisbon: Okay, like what?
Jane: Let them go home. You don't have to charge her sister yet, do you? Just, just think about it for a while.
Lisbon: She broke the law. I already called the DA and Child Services.
Jane: Just let them go home.

Bosh: Well, as I said, living room's exactly the same.
Jane: Well, not exactly. I like it.
Bosh: Good, good. Let's take a look at the extra bedroom.
Jane: No, no need. I'm really feeling it here. I think I need to be alone with the house for a moment. You know just to check out its aura.
Bosh: Aura?
Jane: Yeah. Well I'm not gonna buy a house unless we have compatible auras.
Bosh: Of course.
Jane: Ten minutes.
Bosh: Good. I'll be right outside.

[Jane wakes Lisbon up]

Lisbon: What?
Jane: It's okay. You were talking in your sleep.
Lisbon: I was?
Jane: And drooling a little.
Lisbon: What was I saying?
Jane: Well—Someone's coming.

Panama Red [5.10][edit]

Lisbon: Jane, you can't obsess like this.
Jane: Obsess? I know that I've met Red John now. Shook his hand.

Jane: I think this puzzle box is the key. Whatever is in here was important enough to hide, but not valuable enough to put in that safe.
Cho: What do you think it is?
Jane: I don't know yet, it's a puzzle.
Lisbon: Cho, crack it open.
Jane: Oh, no no no no. It's my puzzle. All mine.

Security Agent: Hands in the air!
Jane: Already done.
Security Agent: Down on the ground!
Jane: Well, ehm... Hands in the air or down on the ground? I'm a little confused.

Jane: Patrick Jane, consultant. This isn't my boss.
Lisbon: I am Teresa Lisbon and I am his boss.

Lisbon: Who's Olivier Gans?
Jane: Uhm, don't know. Made him up.

Jane: Hi Lisbon.
Lisbon: I don't know what game you're playing, but I think you're getting carried away with this Olivier Gans thing.
Jane: How so?
Lisbon: I just got a call from the vice president of something or other of JG Allen Enterprises. They're up in arms about Gans.
Jane: Really?
Lisbon: They think he's trying to steal Turbo Wolf.
Jane: Well he hasn't yet, but he might soon. We should meet at his hotel.
Lisbon: The imaginary man has a hotel?
Jane: That's right.
Lisbon: Is this hotel imaginary too?
Jane: Oh no, very real. It's, uh, the Vista. In Clearlake. I'll meet you there in an hour. Bye.

Jane: See that face? That's exactly why I didn't tell you the plan.
Lisbon: It's not a good plan.
Jane: It's a good enough plan and Rigsby is wearing one of those ear thingies, I will talk him through the con. He'll be fine.
Lisbon: What if the killer doesn't show up?
Jane: Then we go back to old fashion police work. But this way we get to enjoy some room service. Please, have a seat.

Jane: Could you pass the cheese plate? This is getting good.

Rigsby: They're not concerned with provolone-- Provenance. They're not concerned with provenance.

Rigsby: Boss is it okay if I sit down?
Lisbon: You are sitting down Risgby.

Days of Wine and Roses [5.11][edit]

Jane: Lisbon, you're distracted and you have an eager gleam in your eye. Either you have a breakthrough in the Volker case, or you're in love. Which is it?
Lisbon: I got Judge Davis to sign the warrant and Van Pelt should be getting Volker's records momentarily.
Jane: I was hoping it was love. You deserve happiness, but I'm glad for you anyway.

Joanna Lyle: But as a recovering alcoholic, I know I can't make someone stop before they're ready. There but for the Grace of God.
Jane: Mm. Well, let's leave God out of it, shall we?

Volker: Agent Lisbon.
Lisbon: What do you want, Mr. Volker?
Volker: Brass tacks. I like that. As I'm sure you're aware, I run a very successful business worth billions of dollars. You wanna know my secret? Transparency. Honesty. Open lines of communication. It's the way I do business.
Lisbon: What's your point?
Volker: If you wanted my financial records, all you had to do was ask for them. I got nothing to hide. You found nothing, right?
Lisbon: Why? Is there something you're worried about?
Volker: Next time... just ask. You look good. You've been working out.
Lisbon: Get out of my office.
Volker: Have a lovely day, Agent Lisbon.

Jane: Hey Cho, you're freaking out the guests. Just relax with the copness.
Cho: I'm relaxed.

Judge Manchester: Sometimes you are childishly naive, Teresa.
Lisbon: That might be so, but which side would you rather be on? Childish naivete, or defeated cynicism?
Manchester: Ouch.

Lisbon: Jane... I need your help.

Little Red Corvette [5.12][edit]

Jane: How'd it go with Volker?
Lisbon: Good. He gave up his DNA just like you said he would. He's behind this, Jane. I know it.
Jane: But?
Lisbon:When the grand jury investigation was dropped, Volker's lawyers had all the evidence and court documents sealed from the case, including Jones' deposition. I think there's something in there that Volker doesn't want us to know. If I could just get my hands on it...
Jane: Well, why can't you?
Lisbon: They're sealed documents, Jane. It's against the law.
Jane: Well, if you want to get Volker, you can't let that stop you.
Lisbon: What do you suggest?
Jane: Well, Ardiles is a Deputy D.A. He's gonna have the deposition.
Lisbon: Ardiles is not gonna stick his neck out for me.
Jane: Well, of course not. He's a smart lawyer. You have to get something on him that will make him help you.
Lisbon: Blackmail the deputy district attorney?
Jane: Sure. Why not?
Lisbon: Well, how could I get dirt on Ardiles?
Jane: Ask yourself this — who makes it their business to know everyone else's?

Lisbon: Hey. Any luck finding the kid?
Jane: Well, we gave his name and his photo to local police, and the FBI's department of missing persons, but it's like finding a needle in a stack of needles.
Lisbon: I heard you talked to his mother.
Jane: Yes. She thinks the worst. Hard not to agree with her. What about you? Burning the midnight oil, I see.
Lisbon: There's gotta be something here.
Jane: Mmh.
Lisbon: Jane, Amanda Shaw was my witness. I gave her my word that I'd protect her, and Volker had her killed.

Jane: , Mr. Volker. Patrick Jane. I work with Teresa Lisbon.
Volker: Ah, yes. Mr. Jane. Nice to meet you. Any friend of Teresa's... She's a—she's a fascinating woman, isn't she?
Jane: Certainly. Well, that was impressive. Not only are you a super-successful businessman, but you're quite the vivid storyteller. For a moment there, I was splashing around in that puddle with Spike, growing some gills.
Volker: Is there something you needed?
Jane: Need? No. I just wanted to meet you while I have the chance.
Volker: Are you going somewhere?
Jane: No. But you are. After your arrest, things are bound to get a little hectic, and I probably won't have the chance to introduce myself. So here I am.
Volker: Very droll. But you and I both know that I'm not going to be arrested.
Jane: You sure about that?

Volker: I'm looking for Agent Lisbon.
Cho: Boss.
Lisbon: What are you doing here?
Volker: Such hostility. And here I thought we were mending fences.
Lisbon: Answer the question.
Volker: I came to ask you to drop this ridiculous investigation. I hate to see an officer of the law humiliated like this.
Lisbon: Cho, will you show Mr. Volker out of here?
Cho: Gladly.
Volker: I'm only looking out for your best interests.
Jane: No, you're not. You want us to think that you're gloating, but you're not. You're afraid.
Volker: Afraid?
Jane: Yeah.
Volker: Well, this certainly is a strange way of showing it.
Jane: I can see right through you. We were close, searching your offices like that. Too close. You want us to think that you're in control, that you're untouchable. But you're not. You're afraid of us. And you should be.


The Red Barn [5.13][edit]

Lisbon: You think you're so mysterious. I know what you're doing in there.
Jane: Oh, really? What?
Lisbon: You're making a list, trying to figure out who it is that you've met that's Red John.
Jane: Not just met, shaken hands with.
Lisbon: How many people are on that list, anyway?
Jane: A lot.

Rigsby: Ladies and gentlemen, ten years ago, Teresa Lisbon left the San Francisco Police Department to join the California Bureau of Investigation. Today she is without doubt the rootinest, tootinest, sharp-shootinest cop in the whole state of California. Happy anniversary, boss.

Lisbon: Good morning. Thank you for the party, it was very thoughtful.
Rigsby: You're welcome.
Lisbon: But I'm never gonna forgive you for that stripper.

Jane: How was the rest of the party?
Lisbon: Torture. Like it can't happen ever ever again.
Jane: Ten years, huh?
Lisbon: More, actually. One year with you counts as two.

Rigsby: So what did I do last night? Come on. I'm dying here.
Cho: You got up on the table and sang Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rigsby: Oh. I do a pretty good Freddie Mercury. That's not so embarrassing.
Cho: Maybe not for you.

Jane: We know that Red John was at Elliston Farm in 1988. That is a huge leap forward, Lisbon. Huge.
Lisbon: How so?
Jane: I recalled all the names of the 2,164 people that I met and shook hands with since Red John murdered my family. I might have missed one or two, but not many. 807 of those names were women. And Red John's probably not a woman. Another 949 were men that I had brief encounters with that I never saw or heard from again. That leaves 408 names. And Elliston Farm will exclude a whole bunch more. I'm getting close, Lisbon. I'm getting very close.
Lisbon: Tell me some of the names. There's gotta be some that are at the top of the list.
Jane: Sure. There's some interesting names.
Lisbon: Well, tell me.

Red In Tooth And Claw [5.14][edit]


Lisbon: There you are.
Jane: We should come by sometimes when there's not a corpse here to meet us.

Lisbon: Bertram is supposed to be this real smooth player, but he looses a couple of hands at poker and he has to bum everyone else out.

Jane: Bingo! Woooho! Bingo!

Bertram: See? I know how to play poker.
Jane: Of course you do.
Bertram: You play the man, not the cards. I know the odds, I know myself.
Jane: You know people, you know how to control them. Not that you always care.
Bertram: What does that mean?
Jane: Well, you win more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you use vinegar anyway.
Bertram: Is this about Lisbon?
Jane: You're very fond of the fake tell, aren't you? Before you bet you look away and you breath out very slowly, like you're tring to calm yourself.
Bertram: Yes.
Jane: Well, you have a tell inside the fake tell. When you're bluffing the breathing is audible.
Bertram: What the hell is it? I-I control myself!
Jane: You get yourself a good hand and puff away like that Manchester will for sure think you're bluffing. Trust me.

Rigsby: How can you like triceratops more than T-rex?
Cho: T-rex's for losers. Little arms. It's a big chicken with teeth.
Rigsby: Yeah and triceratops is basically a pig with horns.
Cho: And a shield on its head. Beats a giant chicken any day of the week.

Rigsby: Would have been nice to say goodbye.
Cho: Yeah well, cowards don't get to say goodbye when they want.
Rigsby: Coward? Wow, where did that come from? You calling me a coward?
Cho: Yep.
Risgby: How so?
Cho: How long have you been pretending you're not in love with Van Pelt?
Rigsby: Who says I'm in love with Van Pelt? I was, once, a long time ago, but not anymore. We're just... We're just... Good friends.
Cho: You're a coward and a terrible liar.
Risgby: Says you. Coward. What does he know about relationships? You date pregnant hookers and your dinosaur eats grass!

Jane: Morning.
Lisbon: Good morning! We're gonna be short-staffed for a while. Van Pelt's off to L.A. Thank you.
Jane: Little education is a beautiful thing. Speaking of which, I've upset the ecosystem of the poker game.
Lisbon: I think you've been spending too much time at the museum. "Upset the ecosystem"?
Jane: Bertram's now a better poker player because of me, the ecosystem is changed. You need to adapt or die.
Lisbon: Who says I need the help?
Jane: Don't try to razzle dazzle me. Money talks.
Lisbon: What do we use for stakes, we can't play poker without stakes.
Jane: Oh I have that covered. Herbivores are worth one, carnivores are worth five.
Lisbon: Okay.
Jane: Deal.
Lisbon: What do you got?
Jane: All-in.
Lisbon: You're bluffing, I call.
Jane: Really?
Lisbon: Okay, are you cheating?
Jane: No. I'm gonna smoke you.

Red Lacquer Nail Polish [5.15][edit]


Lisbon: This place gives me the creeps.
Jane: Normally I'd be tempted to mock your superstition, but in this case I'm inclined to agree.

Jane: Seems like a civilized way to travel, don't you think?
Lisbon: Are you kidding? Stuck on that thing in the middle of the ocean? It's like being in a prison cell with a chance of drowning.

Jane: We could get on board and wait.
Lisbon: Not until we have a warrant, we're not.
Jane: Rules are just so tiresome and boring.

Jane: Uhm, Lisbon, I'm sorry, but I think we might have to get back to the crime scene.
Lisbon: Really? That place was so creepy.
Jane: Yes. But I'm worried we might have missed something because of that.
Lisbon: Okay, fine. But no jumping out and yelling "boo" at me or anything like that.
Jane: I mean, seriously, what do you take me for?
Lisbon: I'm not going to answer that because I am a nice person.

Lisbon: What? We followed the evidence.
Jane: You, you did. Follow the evidence.
Lisbon: Okay. I was wrong. But we followed the evidence!
Jane: You know what gave me second thoughts about Elise Vogelsong? She read too many murder mystery novels.
Lisbon: There you go. That's not police work. That's guessing.
Jane: You should try it sometimes. Now I'm gonna pursue Red John. Ciao!

There Will Be Blood [5.16][edit]

Lisbon: Bertram is bringing Homeland into the Lorelai murder... Did you hear me?!
Jane: Yes.
Lisbon: Now that she's killed someone they're gonna start looking again into her escape.
Jane: That's likely.
Lisbon: Jane. I know you broke her out of prison. And you know I know.
Jane: And I know you know I know.
Lisbon: This is not funny! If they find out you could be charged as an accomplice to murder.
Jane: Well, if they find out. They won't, unless of course you sing to the coppers.
Lisbon: Which I won't, and that makes me an accomplice to murder as well.
Jane: Well only if you look at it as a very persnickety lawyer.
Lisbon: She tortured someone!
Jane: Yes. It's, it's horrible, I know. But she must have had good reason.
Lisbon: God, can you hear yourself?!
Jane: Yes, I can hear myself! Julia Howard must have helped murder Lorelai's sister. Must have been there with Red John. Lorelai wouldn't do this otherwise. I trust her.
Lisbon: ...Jane. I am your partner, not her. You need to be honest with me.
Jane: I know.
Lisbon: If she contacts you, if you find anything out about her, if you have any insights about the case...
Jane: I will tell you.

Jane: You're foolish doing this on your own. Let me help you.
Lorelai: No. I've done terrible things, unforgivable things. There's no way back. You and me are on different roads I hope.

Lisbon: You're putting your trust in the mistress of a serial killer. She's playing you.
Jane: Playing me? How?
Lisbon: You're blind. You're involved with her, it's clouding your judgement.
Jane: There's no involvement. I feel nothing for her.
Lisbon: Now you're really lying! ...I will make this very simple. I will not be a part of this and neither will you if you want to remain on the team.
Jane: An ultimatum? Someone is playing a little too much poker... I confess. I may have some feelings, but if I have crossed any lines it is not because I like her. I will do anything I can to get to Red John, but you have known that since the start.

Bertram: When it comes to Lorelai Martins I don't think Jane can be trusted.
Lisbon: I don't know if that's true.
Bertram: He's admitted to a sexual relationship with her. Then Martins kidnaps him and they spend days alone together. Don't you ever wonder what went on between them?
Lisbon: ...

Lisbon: You're not coming.
Jane: Yes I am.
Lisbon: Jane, listen. I know you wanna be a part of this, but I need you to stay here.
Jane: There's no reason for me to stay here.
Lisbon: Yes there is a reason. If things go wrong you need to be far away. You're in too deep. Jane, I'm asking you. Please, stay here.

Red, White And Blue [5.17][edit]

Jane: Discipline always comes with a price.

Jane: We have to go back to the crime scene.
Lisbon: Why?
Jane: I want a taco.

Risgby: Look on the bright side. In prison you won't have to pay for dates.

Behind The Red Curtain [5.18][edit]


Lisbon: You're playing with fire.
Jane: There are worse things to play with.

Jane: You spend your days chasing paperclips. When do you ever get the chance to nail a killer?

LaRoche: Excuse me, your coat is playing the Fifth Symphony.

Red Letter Day [5.19][edit]


Grace: Sorry. It was a welcome back gift.
Lisbon: Very thoughtful, Wayne.
Rigsby: How did you know it's from me?
Lisbon: I'm a homicide detective.

Jane: Don't you think it's odd Homeland Security's fascination with a California serial killer?
Lisbon: Everything about Bob Kirkland is odd.

Jane: Here we go Lisbon... Gossip.

Rigsby: Go ahead. Say it. Now you're supposed to say "say what?". And I say "you think I'm an idiot for buying Van Pelt that orchid". You know what? I'm glad I did. Cause now the ball's in her court. I'm gonna be so zen about this. The move's hers. I'm gonna be the reed that bends in the breeze.
Cho: You're still in love with her. But instead of telling her, you bought her a plant.
Rigsby: That's pretty zen though, right?

Jane: Beautiful orchid, Grace. Well chosen, Rigsby.

Cho: You're gonna touch all of them?
Rigsby: Haven't touched that one. I'm looking for poppy.
Cho: Lisbon took it. If you want poppy, grab the everything bagel.
Rigsby: Yeah, but it has all the other stuff on it. Like those onion scrubs, I mean what are the point of those?
Cho: All I see is problems.
Rigsby: All I see is bagels.
Cho: Just make a choice.

Risgby: So what is Jane gonna do?
Lisbon: No idea.
Risgby: Really?
Lisbon: Sometimes it's best just to be relaxed about this stuff.


Red Velvet Cupcakes [5.20][edit]


Lisbon: Jane, I need you.
Jane: It's nice to be needed. Anything for you, Lisbon.

Lisbon: He has a talk show, "Prescriptions for love with Buddy Hennings". What? I listened to it in my car a few times.
Jane: Alright. I'll go talk to Buddy Hennings, love doctor, and you check out the shady bakery.
Lisbon: Van Pelt and Rigsby can handle it. I'll go to the radio station with you.
Jane: Ah, that's because you're fan!
Lisbon: I am not! I just think he's a viable lead.
Jane: It's alright Lisbon. We all have our guilty pleasures.

Lisbon: Hi, we need to speak with Buddy Hennings.
Secretary: If you want to be on the show, you have to fill out this form and take it to couple's intake.
Lisbon: Oh, we're not a couple. Please.
Jane: What she means is ours is more of a platonic love.

Jane: I have a very exciting assignment for you, Grace.
Van Pelt: You do? Cool, what is it?
Jane: These are for you. Try them on.
Lisbon: Nothing for me?
Jane: Trust me, you wouldn't like them.

Jane: Your brow is furrowed and you have that squinty look in your eye. You want to talk to me about the whole foot fetish thing that the catholic school girl in you tells you it's not necessarily appropriate.
Lisbon: You're right. I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it.
Jane: I mean, "fetish" is a strong word, but everyone has that thing. It's just human nature.
Lisbon: I don't.
Jane: Oh come on Lisbon. Don't deny yourself that freedom. There's definitely something out there that works for you, something that flips your switch. Like turtlenecks.
Lisbon: You're right. It's inappropriate. Good night!
Jane: Turtlenecks it is.

Red And Itchy [5.21][edit]


Rigsby: The Tupperware's a clue. Why hide something in Tupperware?
Lisbon: I don't know. Keep it fresh?
Van Pelt: Nothing stays fresh for nine years.
Lisbon: Well, maybe LaRoche needed a box, and the Tupperware was handy.
Rigsby: No. Tupperware's never handy. It's always in the wrong drawer.
Van Pelt: And when you do find it, the lid's always missing.
Rigsby: Right? I hate that.

LaRoche:: My time is running out. Whatever happens, I want to thank you for trying to help me.
Jane: Well, truth is, you're a hard man not to help, LaRoche. You're like a Shar-Pei puppy that's rolled onto its back. You have to rub its belly.
LaRoche: You're mocking me.
Jane: No, no, I'm happy to rub your belly.
LaRoche: That won't be necessary.
Jane: I hope not.

Lisbon: Why don't you just ask LaRoche what's in the box?
Jane: He's not gonna tell me voluntarily. It's embarrassing to him and deeply personal.
Lisbon: And it's in Tupperware?
Jane: Yes. How could you not want to investigate?

Jane: Two years ago, I hired a petty thief to break into LaRoche's safe for a list of Red John suspects.
Lisbon: Yeah, I know. I had to slug the guy in front of his lawyer to keep you out of jail. Cost me six months in anger management.
Jane: Yeah, and I hope you learned something. (Lisbon hits him)

Red John's Rules [5.22][edit]

Lisbon: What if he's right? What if Red John really does have powers?
Jane: Please. A-and what if dolphins were actually aliens from another galaxy? That would be kind of cool.

Lisbon: Where were you the night before last?
Barlow: Oh, I was far away, communing with the spirits. Where were you? Let me see. Lying in bed, thinking of Patrick. You're a little in love with him, eh? But he's so secretive and controlling. That's hard, isn't it?

Barlow: Red John. Any punk killer who wants to fool with you can paint a smiley face on the wall. "Ooh, it's Red John"
Jane: It was Red John.
Barlow: Red John has your mind completely messed up. You see him every place you look. You think you're getting closer, but he is just playing with you.
Jane: We'll see.
Barlow: Has it never occurred to you to ask exactly how Red John is always one step ahead of you? How is it he seems to read your mind?
Jane: You tell me.
Barlow: Red John's got powers. Real psychic powers that you refuse to believe in. Teresa will hear what I'm saying, but you've no faith, so you're deaf to the truth. He's got powers. That's why he'll always defeat you.

Lisbon: (about Jane's suspect list) Are these people I know well?
Jane: Very well.
Lisbon: J.J. LaRoche?
Jane: No.
Lisbon: Ardiles?
Jane: Hmm. Interesting guess. No.
Lisbon: Would you tell me if I guess right?
Jane: Nope.
Lisbon: You're killing me.

Jane: (at the crime scene) This is Red John.
Lisbon: How can you tell?
Jane: Because when it's him, I can feel it.