The Ren & Stimpy Show

The Ren & Stimpy Show is an animated television series created by John Kricfalusi for Nickelodeon. The series follows the adventures of titular characters Ren, an emotionally unstable chihuahua, and Stimpy, a good-natured, dimwitted cat.

Ren

• "You eediot!!"
• "YOU WORM!!"
• "YOU SICK LITTLE MONKEY!"
• "47 Million Dollars!!!!"
• "YOU! You're the culprit! Just look at this place! Hairy furniture… hairy FOOD… YOUR SMELLY OLD HAIR IS EVERYWHERE! [Stimpy scratches his head and strands of fur fall off, Ren growls and now at his breaking point, tears his robe apart] It was you… all along!"
• "You filthy swine! I WILL KILL YOU!"
• "What do you MEAN 'YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME!?' DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH!!!!?"
• "It's so clear to me now. I'm the keeper of the Cheese, and you're the Lemon Merchant. You get it? And he knows it! That's why HE's gonna kill us! So we gotta beat it. Yeah. Before he lets loose the marmosets on us!!! Don't worry little missy, I'll save you!"
• Mayyybe sometheeng bad... mayyyybe sometheeng good... I guess we'll never know!
• "Stimpy! ACTIVATE THE PLOT DEVICE!"
• "Stimpy, come home! I can't find the pliers!"
• "How could I have been so blind? So thees ees the speereet of Chreestmas! Exchangeeng currency for commercial geefts as an attempt to express love!"
• "Hey, Spidey, thanks for dropping by and boosting our sales!"
• Admeet eet, waseent that beauteeful? Poignant! Touching! ...All right, so eet was eencredibly heedious! But eef you don't send us more cash, we'll show heem again and again and again!"
• "Name's Spayed. Sam Spayed. I'm a private eye. And leetle deed I know, but on thees dark and stormy night, I had a date weeth desteeny. But she was busy, so I set up a date weeth eentrigue. But you try getting eentrigue to go out on a week night... Just have to settle for a date weeth danger."
• "Know what I oughta do? DO YA?! You do. Don't 'cha?"
• "'Trouble?' Mister, you don't know the meaning of the word! I leave for trouble! Trouble's the pleat een my pants! The leequeed een my plumber! The gomer een my pyle! Trouble's my maiden name!"
• "Don't touch it! It's the history eraser button, you fool!"
• "I... I was nice today. Nice to those insipid little monkeys, answering their stupid letters. My hands... DIRTY! THE DIRT WON'T COME OFF! (He screams) President...What a joke. President...President of what? [Enviously looking over at Stimpy] His fan club! How they love him! Look at him, lying there asleeep. [Creeps over to Stimpy's side]The idol of millions. He's a fool! Blind, silly little fool. How easily I could end the farce... with these hands! These DIRTY hands! And with these hands I hold the fate of millions! They think he's a god, but he's as mortal as we. I know! [Visually drawing a dotted line along Stimpy's neck] Just..one...quick...TWIST! And it's over. Just one... Just... AAAAH! It's happening again! MY BRAIN! MY HOT... STINGING... BRAIN!!!!
• "They think I’m crazy; but I know better. It is not I who am crazy; it is I who am MAD! Didn’t you hear ‘em?? Didn’t you see the crowds?!? Oh, my beloved ice cream bar, how I love to lick your creamy center! [Takes three big bites out of the bar of soap and eats it] And your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering! You’re not like the others; you like the same things I do: wax paper, boiled football leather, dog breath! We’re not hitchhiking any more; we’re ridin’!
• "ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!!!! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STAND FROM YOU KOWALSKIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!"
• (while camping in a tent a knock is heard) "Stimpy, answer the flap!"
• "Well Stimpson, I gotta hand it to you, this is one swell fire."
• "Oh well, when will they learn to listen to the master of etiquette?"
• "He's just a cartoon character, not real, not flesh and blood like WE! I'm telling you, cartoons aren't real. They're... they're, eh... they're... puppets!"
• "Of course it's hot and stinky! It's a CARCASS ROTTING IN THE SUN!!!! I'm so SICK of your whining!"

Stimpy

• "It stays crunchy, even in milk. I may not be the President, I may not be the Pope... but as long as I have Gritty Kitty, I shall never mope."
• "Happy happy! Joy joy!"
• "Don't worry, Ren! I can tell ya what happens [in the movie] FRAME BY FRAME! Okay, first there's this lion, and he's stickin' his head through a big ol' circle..."
• "Oh, joy!"
• "You just got a visit from the Bloody Head Fairy."
• "Kinda ironic, huh Ren?"
• "Shh, Ren's taking a coma."
• "Ollie ollie oxen free!"
• "I don't care."

Powdered Toast Man

• "Leave everything to me!"
• "Quick, man! Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!"
• "POWDERED TOAST MAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"

Other

• "Can you spare a cup of protoplasm?" ~Female Alien Chihuahua
• "Hmmm. Maybe I could team up with my arch-nemesis, Venom, and together we could defeat him? Or I could design a suit of spider-armor? Yeah, that's it! Yeah! Team-up with Venom, wear some spider-armor, and you could package the whole thing with a glow-in-the-dark hologram cover! ...JEEZ! Where's my head at today? Must be sniffin' too much web fluid or something!" ~Spider-Man in a special guest appearance
• "Vhy hülla dere! I yam Sven, you ees boxers, ja? Ve talka bout fighting now. Fyirst, dere veell be no heeting below the fjord... All trays veell be püt een an üpright posyition... Ünd y'only go a' sveemmin' veeth a büddy! Now, make üunder-leg noises veeth your arm peets, ünd commen' outta sveenging!" ~Sven

• No sir, I don't (didn't) like it. ~Mr. Horse

• Las cucarachas entran, pero no puedan salir. ~ Ambassador Horse

• Ya lousy bum! -- Muddy Mudskipper

• MEAT!!! ~Tinker Galoot

• "I've had it up to here with you circus midgets!" - Fire Chief

• "How you fellers doin'? Beautiful day isn't it? Boy, it sure is nice to meet other guys who are comfortable with their nakedity like me!" - Old Man Hunger

• "Oh, maybe you're right… I've seen a part of myself that no man should ever see, but you know what? I LIKE IT!" - Evil Ren

Dialogue

• (Ren is trying out Stimpy's Stay-Put Socks)

Ren: Why, it's amazing! How do they work?

Stimpy: They're filled with glue. (glue oozes out of the top of the socks) I'm so glad you like them, Ren! Stay right there. I'll get the Stay-Put hat and raincoat.

Ren: YOU FILTHY SWINE! I WILL KILL YOU!!

---

• Stimpy: (after the "Happy Happy Joy Joy" song) Ren. You're... you're angry?
  Ren: You're darn tootin' I'm angry! I have never been this angry in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! (then he calms down) Hey! I feel great! I love being angry! Thank you, Stimpy.
  Stimpy: (scared/confused) Happy to be of service?
  (maniacal laughter from off screen)

---

• Fat oaf: So let me get this straight. You're a CIA agent sent by the Queen of America to deliver this top-secret scooter to the West Pole?
  Stimpy: "Eh, that's right. To the big chief spy himself, Stinky Wizzleteats!"

---

• Stimpy: (reading his Christmas list to the Lincoln Memorial) And I want a bike, and a Betsy-Wets-Herself doll, and a CHEE-Z Bake Oven, and a Pulpy the Pup doll, and a jillion army men, and a... (Ren throws a sponge at him) Ooh!
  Ren: Get down from there! That's not Santy Claus! It's a memorial.
  Stimpy: A memorial? (choked) I didn't know Santy Claus was... DEAD! (wails)
  Ren: You are so stupid.
  Stimpy: Am I?
  Ren: EEDIOT! Don't you recognize President William P. Fillmore when you see him?

---

• Stimpy: I just got a ransome note for the Maltese Stimpy! It says:
  "Have half a million in hollowed out melons,
  or we felons will sell 'im to a fella in Magellan!
  Then lock your two knocks on the doors by the docks,
  And we'll unlock our locks on that spot for a talk!"
  Say Sam, you look fraught?!
  Please say you are not!
  Ren: 'Thought your wad'd be shot,
  When you got to the spot,
  'Bout the docks and the knocks
  And the locks and the talks,
  Eet's made me quite rought,
  Seence you've talked quite a lot,
  Yet meessed not a jot
  Nor got caught een meed-thought!
  I do not like theese ransome plan!
  I do not like eet, Sam I am!"

---

• Stimpy: My atomic wave projector will increase the yield of these sugar frosted lumps a thousandfold! Who knows where this could lead?
  Ren: Anyone who's read the title ["Dogzilla"] has a pretty good idea, I theenk.
  Stimpy: This could be a boon to mankind, you know!
  Ren: You wouldn't say that eef thees story was called "CATZILLA"!"

---

• Ren: We're ready to order, miss. One big bacteria, two moldfurters, an acteev culture shake, and--
  Stimpy & Sven: NO, WAIT!
  Stimpy: I want a turkey nut yogurt cane!
  Sven: Und an order of lactose-on-a-stick, yew betcha!
  Ren: Eexcuse me. That weel be one turkey nut cone, one lactose-on-a-steeck, one one moldfurter, and--
  Stimpy & Sven: NO, WAIT!
  Ren: What ees eet NOW?
  Stimpy & Sven: We're not hungry.
  Ren: (steaming) Not... hungry. Fine. No problem.

---

• Mr. Horse: So, uh... you wanna know what's wrong with you? You really wanna know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong with you. [beat, punches Ren in the face] YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY!! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
  Ren: Crazy!?
  Mr. Horse: That's right! You need to be locked up, away from decent, NORMAL people! What kind of a lunatic are you!? You just walk up to strangers on the street and tell 'em, "Hey, Mister. You wanna hear some sick stories of my twisted youth"!!??
  Ren: [aghast] I don't understand! I came to you for help! I bared my soul to you! I told you all my darkest secrets! And now you tell me I'm crazy!? WHAT KIND OF A PSYCHOLOGIST ARE YOU!?
  Mr. Horse: PSYCHOLOGIST?! Are you nuts?! I'm a horse!! You crazy son of a bitch! I'M GONNA BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUTTA YOU!

---

• Future Ren 1: Hey. buddy! Yeah you, pal! Look at you, when I'm talkin' to me!
  Ren: ?
  Future Ren 1: Leesten up! Your plan... eet steenks! We must do sometheeng about these time-holes before eet's too late!
  Ren: Ah, but I am doing sometheeng! I'm geeving them a whole new speeffy look! You're just jealous that you deedn't theenk of eet!
  Future Ren 1: (grinding his teeth) But I deed theen of eet... when I was you! Eet was stupeed then, and eet's stupeed now! And--and--and GRRRRR!

---

• Muddy Mudskipper: (chasing Stimpy in a Yogi Bear parody) Get yer hand outta dat pic-a-nic basket, you dusty old cat! Pssst, hey kid, say yer line!
  Stimpy: O-oh yeah! Jaaaane, stop this crazy thing! Well, blow me down! I'm huntin' for a wabbit! I hate meeces to pieces!

---

• The Anthem of The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen
  (Sung to the theme of My Country Tears of Thee)
  Our country reeks of trees,
  Our Yaks are re-ealy large,
  And they smell like rotting beef-carcases.
  And we have to clean up after them,
  And our saddle-sores are the best.
  We proudly wear womens clothing,
  and searing sand blows up our skirts.
  And the buzzards, they soar o-o-overhead,
  and poisonous snakes, will devour us whole.
  Our bones will bleach in the sun.
  And we will probablay go-o-o to hell!
  And that, is our gre-e-at reward.
  For be-ing the-uh roy-oy-ul CANADIAN, KILTED, YAKSMEN.
  

---

• Sven: I'm finding you.
  Stimpy: I'm hiding in the closet...like an idiot.
  

---

(Ren returns home from work on a rainy day. He looks around and sees filth and cat litter all over the place.)
Ren: Err... I knew it! There's dirt... everywhere!
(Ren is bubbling with rage, but manages to calm down.)
Ren: Well, at least I'm home. I can continue my intellectual pursuits!
(Ren calmiy walks through the squalor... until he wild-takes at the sight of his opera records stuck to the wall.)
Ren: My opera records! Covered in bubblegum!
(Ren laments the state of his records, and notices several germs exiting open jars and squirming dowm the drain.)
Ren: My collection of rare... incurable... diseases! Violated! Nooo-ooo-ooooo!
(A panicky Ren turns around once more to the sight of his coprolites colorfully painted.)
Ren: My dinosaur droppings! Painted... like Easter Eggs!
(Stimpy and Sven cease playing when they here Ren's outburst.)
Ren: AAAHHHH!!!!!!! You... EEDIOTS!!!
(Ren angrilly stomps toward Stimpy and Sven, who back away several times until they hit a wall.)
YOOOOOUU... BOTH OF YOU!!!
(Ren is fuming, but his expression becomes one of sadistic calmness.)
Ren: Oh, what I'm gonna do to you.
(Ren hyperventilates while grinning widely, as Stimpy and Sven cower together.)
Ren: I'm so angry! First, I'm gonna tear your lips out. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. And then, I'm gonna... gouge your eyes out! Yeah... that's what I'm gonna do.
Stimpy: We don't like this Ren!
Sven: Ya, you scary us!
Ren: Yeah, you're scared, huh? Next, I'm gonna... (mimes ripping their arms out and the dislocated arm dangling) TEAR your arms out of the sockets!
(Stimpy and Sven whimper while rubbing their arms.)
Ren: And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hitcha, and you're gonna fall... and I'm gonna look down... and I'm gonna laugh.
(Stimpy and Sven both cry.)
Ren: But first... (Stimpy and Sven gasp) FIRST!!!!!, (calmly) I gotta take a whiz! Don't you go anywhere. (Points to the ground they're standing on.) You stay right here... Right on this spot... I'll be back!
(Ren angrilly stomps off and steps over the "Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence" board game, but takes notice to it and turns around.)
Ren: What this stupid thing?!
Stimpy: (cheerfully) It's a game, Ren!
Sven: Ja, it's really fun!
(Ren takes a long look at the game, looks at them, and grins evilly.)
Ren: Oh, ya like this game?
Stimpy: Oh yeah, Ren!
Sven: We love it!
Ren: Oh, ya like the game, huh? Do you really like it?
Stimpy and Sven: It's our favorite game in the whole world!
Oh, ya like the game! Then how do you like thees?!
(Ren produces a fly on his crotch and unzips it. Stimpy and Sven gasp as Ren whizzes all over the game, not knowing exactly what kind of game it is. The resulting electric explosion blows the house to smithereens, sending Ren, Stimpy, and Sven to Hell. The Devil greets them with a jovial wag od the finger.)
The Devil: So, you whizzed on the electric fence, did ya?
Commercial Jingle: Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence!

---

Yak: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!! I can't STAND IT ANYMORE!!! All the time, singing! SINGING! Why won't he STOP?! (Starts laughing maniacally)

---

Stimpy: Lord, Help me. (Stimpy begins to Cry) I want my TVVVV! (Ren doesn't hear him as he's fallen asleep, Stimpy lays on the Mattress)