The Ren & Stimpy Show

The Ren & Stimpy Show is an animated television series created by John Kricfalusi for Nickelodeon. The series follows the adventures of titular characters Ren, an emotionally unstable chihuahua, and Stimpy, a good-natured, dimwitted cat.

Ren

• "You eediot!!"
• "YOU WORM!!"
• "YOU SICK LITTLE MONKEY!"
• "47 Million Dollars!!!!"
• "YOU! You're the culprit! Just look at this place! Hairy furniture… hairy FOOD… YOUR SMELLY OLD HAIR IS EVERYWHERE! [Stimpy scratches his head and strands of fur fall off, Ren growls and now at his breaking point, tears his robe apart] It was you… all along!"
• "You filthy swine! I WILL KILL YOU!"
• "What do you MEAN 'YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME!?' DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH!!!!?"
• "It's so clear to me now. I'm the keeper of the Cheese, and you're the Lemon Merchant. You get it? And he knows it! That's why HE's gonna kill us! So we gotta beat it. Yeah. Before he lets loose the marmosets on us!!! Don't worry little missy, I'll save you!"
• Mayyybe sometheeng bad... mayyyybe sometheeng good... I guess we'll never know!
• "Stimpy! ACTIVATE THE PLOT DEVICE!"
• "Stimpy, come home! I can't find the pliers!"
• "How could I have been so blind? So thees ees the speereet of Chreestmas! Exchangeeng currency for commercial geefts as an attempt to express love!"
• "Hey, Spidey, thanks for dropping by and boosting our sales!"
• Admeet eet, waseent that beauteeful? Poignant! Touching! ...All right, so eet was eencredibly heedious! But eef you don't send us more cash, we'll show heem again and again and again!"
• "Name's Spayed. Sam Spayed. I'm a private eye. And leetle deed I know, but on thees dark and stormy night, I had a date weeth desteeny. But she was busy, so I set up a date weeth eentrigue. But you try getting eentrigue to go out on a week night... Just have to settle for a date weeth danger."
• "Know what I oughta do? DO YA?! You do. Don't you?"
• "Look at you! You're freaks. You guys aren't crazy, you're just stupid! I got it all figured out!"
• "'Trouble?' Mister, you don't know the meaning of the word! I leave for trouble! Trouble's the pleat een my pants! The leequeed een my plumber! The gomer een my pyle! Trouble's my maiden name!"
• "DON'T TOUCH IT! It's the history eraser button, you fool."
• "I... I was nice today. Nice to those insipid little monkeys, answering their stupid letters. My hands... DIRTY! THE DIRT WON'T COME OFF! (He screams) President...What a joke. President...President of what? [Enviously looking over at Stimpy] His fan club! How they love him! Look at him, lying there asleep. [Creeps over to Stimpy's side]The idol of millions. He's a fool! Blind, silly little fool. How easily I could end the farce... with these hands! These DIRTY hands! And with these hands, I hold the fate of millions! They think he's a god, but he's as mortal as we. I know! [Visually drawing a dotted line along Stimpy's neck] Just..one...quick...TWIST! And it's over. Just one... Just... AAAAH! It's happening again! MY BRAIN! MY HOT... STINGING... BRAIN!!!!
• "They think I’m crazy; but I know better. It is not I who am crazy; it is I who am MAD! Didn’t you hear ‘em?? Didn’t you see the crowds?!? Oh, my beloved ice cream bar, how I love to lick your creamy center! [Takes three big bites out of the bar of soap and eats it] And your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering! You’re not like the others; you like the same things I do: wax paper, boiled football leather, dog breath! We’re not hitchhiking anymore; we’re ridin’!
• "ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!!!! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STAND FROM YOU KOWALSKIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!"
• (while camping in a tent a knock is heard) "Stimpy, answer the flap!"
• "Well Stimpson, I gotta hand it to you, this is one swell fire."
• "Oh well, when will they learn to listen to the master of etiquette? And now, shall we help our cleanse their palates?"
• "He's just a cartoon character, not real, not flesh and blood like we! I'm telling you, cartoons aren't real. They're... they're, eh... they're... puppets!"
• "Of course it's hot and stinky! It's a CARCASS ROTTING IN THE SUN!!! I'm so SICK of your whining!"
• "You have an overactive imagination. I don't want to hear any more of your "stinky" fantasies."
• "FINE! Sit here and wallow! You FAT, You-you STUPID...WHO NEEDS YA?!!!"
• "Oh, what I'm gonna do to you."
• "He's DEAD!! Dead, you eediot!! You know what dead means! It's what we'll be if we don't get out of here!"
• "NOW CUT THAT OUT!!! I'm going to work now, so don't do anything stupid!"
• "I should've known. I'm allergic to EVERYTHING."
• "Finish your stinky old puppets! See if I care!"
• "Oh, maybe you're right… I've seen a part of myself that no man should ever see, but you know what? I LIKE IT!"
• "We're alive! Alive, I tell you, alive! Flesh and blood, not wax! Do you realise we're the first dog and cat to pass through a black hole and live to tell the tale? And now, here we are in this wondrous new universe completely unaffected by the journey!"
• "THAT'S IT! I need some REAL FOOD!"
• "Maxine, send in one of my employees! It doesn't matter which one--any low-life will do!"
• "Excuse me, I have to go end it all."
• "For the last time, I want you to be QUIET!"

Stimpy

• "It stays crunchy, even in milk. I may not be the President, I may not be the Pope... but as long as I have Gritty Kitty, I shall never mope."
• "Happy happy! Joy joy!"
• "Don't worry, Ren! I can tell ya what happens [in the movie] FRAME BY FRAME! Okay, first there's this lion, and he's stickin' his head through a big ol' circle..."
• "Oh, joy!"
• "It's Commander Hoek and Stimpy! Happy, happy, happy! Joy, joy, joy! My favorite live-action drama!, Don't let it start, don't let it start, Roger, A O.K. Activate View Screen, I can't watch this show without my... Trusty Commander Hoek Radar Decoder Ring, My... Official Commander Hoek Space Helmet, Not to mention your Genuine Super Elastic Time Shorts bet you don't have a pair of these Earthling, And... my Anti-Gravity Bubblegum.
• "You just got a visit from the Bloody Head Fairy."
• "Kinda ironic, huh Ren?"
• "Shh, Ren's taking a coma."
• "Ollie ollie oxen free!"
• "Stinky is not a fantasy, he IS real! And I will find him!!"
• "Stinky! STINKY, oh, STINKY! Stinky? Ah!"
• "I don't care."
• "I'm not listening to this anymore! He's real. He's REAL! He's REAL!"
• "Gosh... DARNIT, Ren! Is that all you THINK OF when poor little Stinky is out in the cold, lost, ALONE? He needs me! He needs me..."
• "My favorite! Barbecued, Boston, baked beans!"
• "PLEEEAAASE!!! MUST...HAVE...T...V!!!"
• "Lord, help me! (cries) I...WANT...MY...TV!!!!!!"
• "Someone's DYING, MY LAW-RED!! AH, KUMBAYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH..."
• "It's my magic nose goblins. I picked them myself!"
• "Say, that looks like... XB-49!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Ren! REN!!!"
• "Diddle diddle fiddle piddle poodle piddle poodle racky sacky want some seafood mama."
• "Uh, excuse me, Ren. It's time for my appointment!"
• "Duhh. My name is Stimpy, and I am homeless...and have no fish with which to live in."
• "Duhh..."
• "H-hello, Shady Brain Farm? REN NEEDS HELP!!!"
• "Oh no! Ren's brain! MISSING!!!! What'll I do now?! If Ren wakes up and finds his brain missing... he'll kill me!"
• "I... I, uh, already used the moose meat in the fire."
• "RRRRRREEEEEEEEEEN!!!"

Powdered Toast Man

• "Leave everything to me!"
• "Quick, man! Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!"
• "POWDERED TOAST MAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!"

Other

• "Can you spare a cup of protoplasm?" ~Female Alien Chihuahua
• "Hmmm. Maybe I could team up with my arch-nemesis, Venom, and together we could defeat him? Or I could design a suit of spider-armor? Yeah, that's it! Yeah! Team-up with Venom, wear some spider-armor, and you could package the whole thing with a glow-in-the-dark hologram cover! ...JEEZ! Where's my head at today? Must be sniffin' too much web fluid or something!" ~Spider-Man in a special guest appearance
• "He is ole, you are Sven!" ~Sven

• No sir, I don't (didn't) like it. ~Mr. Horse

• Las cucarachas entran, pero no puedan salir. ~ Ambassador Horse

• Ya lousy bum! -- Muddy Mudskipper

• MEAT!!! ~Kowalski

• "I've had it up to here with you circus midgets!" - Fire Chief

• "How you fellers doin'? Beautiful day isn't it? Boy, it sure is nice to meet other guys who are comfortable with their nakedity like me!" - Old Man Hunger

• "That's a manly handshake ye got there!" - Haggis McHaggis

• "Haven't we had a big day? You two angels deserve a little treat, a nice hot flea bath before bedtime!" - Granny

• "I love you daddy..." - Egg Yolkeo

Dialogue

• (Ren is trying out Stimpy's Stay-Put Socks)

Ren: Why, it's amazing! How do they work?

Stimpy: They're filled with glue. (glue oozes out of the top of the socks) I'm so glad you like them, Ren! Stay right there. I'll get the Stay-Put hat and raincoat.

Ren: YOU FILTHY SWINE! I WILL KILL YOU!!

---

• Stimpy: (after the "Happy Happy Joy Joy" song) Ren. You're... you're angry?
  Ren: You're darn tootin' I'm angry! I have never been this angry in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! (then he calms down) Hey! I feel great! I love being angry! Thank you, Stimpy.
  Stimpy: (scared/confused) Happy to be of service?
  (maniacal laughter from off screen)

---

• Fat oaf: So let me get this straight. You're a CIA agent sent by the Queen of America to deliver this top-secret scooter to the West Pole?
  Stimpy: "Eh, that's right. To the big chief spy himself, Stinky Wizzleteats!"

---

• Stimpy: (reading his Christmas list to the Lincoln Memorial) And I want a bike, and a Betsy-Wets-Herself doll, and a CHEE-Z Bake Oven, and a Pulpy the Pup doll, and a jillion army men, and a... (Ren throws a sponge at him) Ooh!
  Ren: Get down from there! That's not Santy Claus! It's a memorial.
  Stimpy: A memorial? (choked) I didn't know Santy Claus was... DEAD! Waauugh!
  Ren: You are so stupid.
  Stimpy: Am I?
  Ren: IDIOT! Don't you recognize President William P. Fillmore when you see him?!

---

• Stimpy: I just got a ransome note for the Maltese Stimpy! It says:
  "Have half a million in hollowed out melons,
  or we felons will sell 'im to a fella in Magellan!
  Then lock your two knocks on the doors by the docks,
  And we'll unlock our locks on that spot for a talk!"
  Say Sam, you look fraught?!
  Please say you are not!
  Ren: 'Thought your wad'd be shot,
  When you got to the spot,
  'Bout the docks and the knocks
  And the locks and the talks,
  Eet's made me quite rought,
  Seence you've talked quite a lot,
  Yet meessed not a jot
  Nor got caught een meed-thought!
  I do not like theese ransome plan!
  I do not like eet, Sam I am!"

---

• Stimpy: My atomic wave projector will increase the yield of these sugar frosted lumps a thousand fold! Who knows where this could lead?
  Ren: Anyone who's read the title ["Dogzilla"] has a pretty good idea, I theenk.
  Stimpy: This could be a boon to mankind, you know!
  Ren: You wouldn't say that eef thees story was called "CATZILLA"!"

---

• Ren: We're ready to order, miss. One big bacteria, two moldfurters, an acteev culture shake, and--
  Stimpy & Sven: NO, WAIT!
  Stimpy: I want a turkey nut yogurt cane!
  Sven: Und an order of lactose-on-a-stick, yew betcha!
  Ren: Eexcuse me. That weel be one turkey nut cone, one lactose-on-a-steeck, one one moldfurter, and--
  Stimpy & Sven: NO, WAIT!
  Ren: What ees eet NOW?
  Stimpy & Sven: We're not hungry.
  Ren: (steaming) Not... hungry. Fine. No problem.

---

• Mr. Horse: So, uh... you wanna know what's wrong with you? You really wanna know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong with you. [beat, punches Ren in the face] YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY!! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
  Ren: Crazy!?
  Mr. Horse: That's right! You need to be locked up, away from decent, NORMAL people! What kind of a lunatic are you!? You just walk up to strangers on the street and tell 'em, "Hey, Mister. You wanna hear some sick stories of my twisted youth"!!??
  Ren: [aghast] I don't understand! I came to you for help! I bared my soul to you! I told you all my darkest secrets! And now you tell me I'm crazy!? WHAT KIND OF A PSYCHOLOGIST ARE YOU!?
  Mr. Horse: PSYCHOLOGIST?! Are you nuts?! I'm a horse!! You crazy son of a bitch! I'M GONNA BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUTTA YOU!

---

• Future Ren 1: Hey. buddy! Yeah you, pal! Look at you, when I'm talkin' to me!
  Ren: ?
  Future Ren 1: Leesten up! Your plan... eet steenks! We must do sometheeng about these time-holes before eet's too late!
  Ren: Ah, but I am doing sometheeng! I'm geeving them a whole new speeffy look! You're just jealous that you deedn't theenk of eet!
  Future Ren 1: (grinding his teeth) But I deed theen of eet... when I was you! Eet was stupeed then, and eet's stupeed now! And--and--and GRRRRR!

---

• Muddy Mudskipper: (chasing Stimpy in a Yogi Bear parody) Get yer hand outta dat pic-a-nic basket, you dusty old cat! Pssst, hey kid, say yer line!
  Stimpy: O-oh yeah! Jaaaane, stop this crazy thing! Well, blow me down! I'm huntin' for a wabbit! I hate meeces to pieces!

---

• The Anthem of The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen
  (Sung to the theme of My Country Tis of Thee)
  Our country reeks of trees,
  Our Yaks are really large,
  And they smell like rotting beef-carcases.
  And we have to clean up after them,
  And our saddle-sores are the best.
  We proudly wear womens clothing,
  and searing sand blows up our skirts.
  And the buzzards, they soar overhead,
  and poisonous snakes, will devour us whole.
  Our bones will bleach in the sun.
  And we will probably go to hell!
  And that, is our great reward.
  For being the-uh royal CANADIAN, KILTED, YAKSMEN.
  

---

• Sven: I'm finding you.
  Stimpy: I'm hiding in the closet...like an idiot.
  

---

(Ren returns home from work on a rainy day. He looks around and sees filth and cat litter all over the place.)
Ren: Err... I knew it! There's dirt... everywhere!
(Ren is bubbling with rage, but manages to calm down.)
Ren: Well, at least I'm home. I can continue my intellectual pursuits!
(Ren calmiy walks through the squalor... until he wild-takes at the sight of his opera records stuck to the wall.)
Ren: My opera records! Covered in bubblegum!
(Ren laments the state of his records, and notices several germs exiting open jars and squirming down the drain.)
Ren: My collection of rare... incurable... diseases! Violated! Nooo-ooo-ooooo!
(A panicky Ren turns around once more to the sight of his coprolites colorfully painted.)
Ren: My dinosaur droppings! Painted... like Easter eggs!
(Stimpy and Sven cease playing when they here Ren's outburst.)
Ren: AAAHHHH!!!!!!! You... EEDIOTS!!!
(Ren angrily stomps toward Stimpy and Sven, who back away several times until they hit a wall.)
YOOOOOUU... BOTH OF YOU!!!
(Ren is fuming, but his expression becomes one of sadistic calmness.)
Ren: Oh, what I'm gonna do to you.
(Ren hyperventilates while grinning widely, as Stimpy and Sven cower together.)
Ren: I'm so angry! First, I'm gonna tear your lips out. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. And then, I'm gonna... gouge your eyes out! Yeah... that's what I'm gonna do.
Stimpy: We don't like this Ren!
Sven: Ya, you scary us!
Ren: Yeah, you're scared, huh? Next, I'm gonna... (mimes ripping their arms out and the dislocated arm dangling) TEAR your arms out of the sockets!
(Stimpy and Sven whimper while rubbing their arms.)
Ren: And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hitcha, and you're gonna fall... and I'm gonna look down... and I'm gonna laugh.
(Stimpy and Sven both cry.)
Ren: But first... (Stimpy and Sven gasp) FIRST!!!!!, (calmly) I gotta take a whiz! Don't you go anywhere. (Points to the ground they're standing on.) You stay right here... Right on this spot... I'll be back!
(Ren angrily stomps off and steps over the "Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence" board game, but takes notice to it and turns around.)
Ren: What this stupid thing?!
Stimpy: (cheerfully) It's a game, Ren!
Sven: Ja, it's really fun!
(Ren takes a long look at the game, looks at them, and grins evilly.)
Ren: Oh, ya like this game?
Stimpy: Oh yeah, Ren!
Sven: We love it!
Ren: Oh, ya like the game, huh? Do you really like it?
Stimpy and Sven: It's our favorite game in the whole world!
Oh, ya like the game! Then how do you like this?!
(Ren produces a fly on his crotch and unzips it. Stimpy and Sven gasp as Ren whizzes all over the game, not knowing exactly what kind of game it is. The resulting electric explosion blows the house to smithereens, sending Ren, Stimpy, and Sven to Hell. The Devil greets them with a jovial wag od the finger.)
The Devil: So, you whizzed on the electric fence, did ya?
Commercial Jingle: Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence!

---

• Shaven Yak: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!! I can't STAND IT ANYMORE!!! All the time, singing! SINGING! Why won't he STOP?! (Starts laughing maniacally)

---

(After Ren takes Stimpy to "someplace where [he] won't hurt [himself] any longer", [i.e., their house's basement] he has a nightmare about Muddy Mudskipper and TV)

• Stimpy: Hey, Muddy, what are you going to do with that mallet?
• Muddy: AH-HA! (hits Stimpy with the Mallet, hard, resulting in a cranial eruption, with Stimpy groaning in pain) Give the bum a big hand! (Audience laughs)

(cut to Stimpy tossing and turning)

• Stimpy: What...are...ya?...

(cut back to Stimpy's nightmare)

• Muddy: You're a bum!
• Stimpy: But Muddy, I love you!
• Muddy: A lousy, stinkin' BUM!

(cut to Stimpy tossing and turning again, followed by cutting back to his nightmare)

• Muddy (who has turned into a TV set): You're, a BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM...BUM!!!!!
• (Stimpy falls helplessly into Muddy's mouth, followed by Muddy chomping his mouth shut)
• Stimpy (as he wakes up from his nightmare): MUDDY!!

(Stimpy then runs up a winding staircase to the attic, which has a barred window)

• Stimpy: Lord, Help me. (Stimpy begins to cry) I...WANT...MY...T...V!!!!!!

(cut to Ren, who doesn't hear him as he's fallen asleep)

---

• Ren : What's on TV tonight?
• Stimpy: I don't care.
• Ren: Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy!
• Stimpy: I don't care.
• Ren: Hey look. It's time for Muddy Mudskipper!
• Stimpy: I don't care.

(Ren looks concerned for a moment, then has an idea)

• Ren: Look what I got for you! A new catnip mouse!
• Stimpy (turning it away): Ah....
• Ren: Mr. Catnip Mouse!

(Ren tries to get Stimpy to play with the mouse, but Stimpy doesn't respond, then Ren has another idea)

• Ren: It's Mr. Litter Box! Come on! Take a stinky one! (scratches steps) Nice and stinky!
• Stimpy (with dramatic background music playing throughout): Stinky... (loud, violent crying)
• Ren: So THAT's it! YOU'RE still crying about your imaginary BUTT stinkyness!
• Stimpy (dramatic music resumes): I'm not listening to this anymore! He's real. He's REAL! He's REAL!!
• Ren: Look, man! It's time to get over this fantasy of yours. Let the wound heal. Come on, man, I'll help you. Together, we'll get through this, okay, buddy?
• Stimpy: I don't care.

(At this point, Ren has finally lost his patience)

• Ren: FINE! Sit here and wallow! You FAT, You -you STUPID... WHO NEEDS YA?!!! (storms off)

---

• Ren: There's only one thing I hate more than creamed corn, and that's...
• Fire Chief: Cheese?

---

• Stimpy (after waking up in the hospital after their second accident): Where's Ren?
• Ren (at this point reduced to his head and both legs, with his head right above Stimpy's...posterior): Here, you idiot! My face is killing me!
• Doctor: The important thing is, you are alive, and you have each other. Have some lunch.
• Stimpy: My favorite! Barbecued, Boston, baked beans!

(Iris out as Ren quivers with fear, followed by...)
[FART!!]

---

• Muddy Mudskipper: Hey kid, you did all right! (He gives Stimpy an "O.K" hand gesture) Ya lousy bum. (Stimpy sits on a stool looking depressed) Well, what's the matter? (Stimpy whimpers) Hey kid, I don't get it. You got it made! You got forty-seven million dollars. You got my TV contract. What more could you possibly want?
• Stimpy: I WANT REN!!!! (cries)

---

• Stimpy:(after replacing Ren's brain with a telephone) Phew! There now, he'll never know the difference. (begins to walk away but stops dead in his tracks just as he hears Ren moan; Ren slowly opens his eyes) R-R-Ren? (Ren looks up at Stimpy, drool slowly dripping; Stimpy picks him up) S-s-s-say something to me, Ren. (shakes him; Ren moans again) G-gee, Ren, will you... play with me? (Ren gurgles) He'll play with me... (suddenly happy) JOOOYYY!!! Oh, Ren! I've dreamed of this... for years!! (hugs Ren as tears fill his eyes)

---

• Ren: (on a car ride to the vet) I love a ride! Where are we going, anyways?
• Stimpy: To see some very impotant people, a Miss Spay and a Mr. Neuter.

---

• Ren: Well Stimpson, I gotta hand it to you, this is one swell fire.
• Stimpy: You like it? (we then see Stimpy burned with his hands bandaged) It's my very first.

---

• Stimpy: Hey Ren, he reminds me of your uncle Eddie.
• Ren: Why's that?
• Stimpy: 'Cause he's big and stinky!
• Ren: (slaps him) Hey! You shouldn't say mean things like that. Did you ever consider that this horse might have feelings?

---

• Ren: Is that my beef carcass?!
• Stimpy: Yes it is, Ren! Beef carcasses are very lucky you know, we immerse it in common house o-bile!
• Ren: WHAT?! That meat goes in my mouth, not in your bile!
• Stimpy: But... but, Ren...Tuesday...17! (Ren punches Stimpy to the ground and proceeds to lift up the beef carcass and, with a grunt, tosses it back in the house through the window, where it lands on their bed)
• Stimpy: NOOOO!!! You've done it now, Ren! It's TERRIBLE bad luck to toss your carcass on the bed!
• Ren: I wave my shiny red keister in the face of you and your stuper-stitions!!
• Stimpy: (horrified) No, Ren! It's bad juju to blaspheme!
• Ren: (evilly) Juju, huh? Ooh, I'm so scared! The big bad juju's gonna get me. Come on, juju! I'm calling you out! (gets struck by lightning) Ow, ow, ow, ow...
• Stimpy: Ha, ha. Gee, Ren. I guess you didn't know it was unlucky to---
• Ren: (furious) GET IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!
• Stimpy: (scared) Yes sir! (runs back into the house)