Rocko's Modern Life

Rocko's Modern Life is an animated series whose four seasons aired from 1993 to 1996.

Rocko

• "SPUNKY!!!"
• X day/night is a very dangerous day/night.
• You know, Spunky, sometimes grocery day can be a very dangerous day, but at least we got food.
• "Excuse me, Earl... but garbage and dogs are not part of a balanced diet."
• "Heh heh, oh my..."
• "It's Heffer, on the Television, playing with his sausage!?"
• "Come on Hef, let's go. I believe I'm bleeding internally."
• "Good as new."
• "For the love of cock!!! hide me!!!"
• "What in the hello."
• "If this marriage is going to break up our friendship, I'd rather be deported!"
• "I don't want to sleep! I don't need sleep! I am the walking living!"
• "Why are you all dressed like wienies?"
• "SHUT UP!!!
• "Oh, a sad, crying clown in an iron lung, I've always wanted one."
• You CHEAP LITTLE ROTTER! I've been run over by a car, made to drag around a gimp shopping cart, threatened by your Gestapo security guards, had me head set on fire, I was attacked by wild lobsters, beaten by a very large woman, had me dog wrapped in plastic, nearly starved to death, and I still beat the 12:00 deadline! So if you don't change that total back to $1.50, I WILL DO SOMETHING NOT NICE!!!!!
• "The 21st century is a very dangerous century."
• "I've always liked....Rainbows."
• "Oh baby, Oh baby, Oh baby." [while on the sex line with Mrs.Bighead]
• Garbage Day is a very dangerous day.

Heffer Wolffe

• "THERE'S VERMIN IN MY ROOM!"
• "Look, it's the Grim Recycler!"
• "That was a hoot!"
• "Look out everyone! He's visually impaired!"
• "Through the use of sophisticated computer technology, and a box of crayons, we have constructed a likeness of Dingo today."
• "Chuck? Leon? Is my sausage skin suit ready? Chuuuck? Leeooon!"
• "Naaakeeed."
• "Maybe We should try new Tropicial Plumber".
• "Chewey Chicken is people!"
• "I'm a glutton (pronounced as glue-ton)!"
• "Rocko, I'm sorry I wrecked your Christmas."
• "(imitating Crappie Jack's accent) "So there I was, delirious with scurvy. The only thing standing between me and me treasure was 100 of the ugliest pirates known to Neptune."
• "I'll make ya walk the poop deck ya big. . poop!"
• "Man, it was great being old. Without my teeth, I could swallow food whole!"
• "I don't OWN any spandex!"
• "If you were a true friend, you'd burn my butt. C'mon, brand me, brand me, brand me."
• "Hey, Rocko. Which is funnier, bananas or cheese?"
• "Hey, Rock, do that funny face you make when you're buying eggs."
• "Go tune a petunia at once, corn cob!"
• "Makes a great meat substitute for undershorts!"
• "You know, I died once."
• "You'll have to excuse my friend here. He's never been old before."
• "Go away. Go to your homes. I will be your freak no more."
• "Wow, cool!"

Filburt

• "I'm nauseous, I'm nauseous, I'm nauseous..."
• "You turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands..."
• "Oh fishsticks."
• "Oh boy!"
• "Well this is your mom!"
• "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing adequately."
• "Hey, pal! Get your buns out of your pants!!
• GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME HEFFER!!!
• "Citizens of Conglom-O, repeat after me. 'Wee-wee!'"
• "Hey Hef, ask me what time it is."
• (referring to Rocko getting a glass of milk naked) "And he ain't dressed for the occasion, if ya know what I mean!"
• Look behind you! A wild pig!
• High-five?
• Bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.
• Oh, fiddle-dee-dee.
• Rocko, you gotta help me. I— (realizes he has an umbrella open in the house, and throws it out the door and accidentally breaks off the doorknob) You know that fortune cookie? (realizes he's holding the doorknob and attempts to reattach it) Well, after that, I've been walking around, and these black cats start following me. And then I'm in this store, and these mirrors start breaking. And then there's this fire, and everyone's screaming. And Big Man's nipples go crazy. And the pigeon— (gets slammed by the door and picks it back up) And the pigeon says, "Hey, it's a trick!" And everyone screams, "IT'S THE TURTLE!!! IT'S THE TURTLE!!!!" (the whole house falls apart) I think I'm bad luck, Rocko.
• It is only a stupid fortune cookie. I should listen to Rocko more often.
• They all say the same thing! No matter what I do, the fortune is always the same! I'll never win Mega-Spin.

Ed Bighead

• "You saw my wife in her BATHROBE?! ... Isn't it awful?"
• "I hate my life."
• "I HAVE NO SON!"
• "I'm calling the pound!"
• "Hey you! Get out of my salmon bushes!"
• "Ed good, Rocko bad!"
• "That sounded like a clown. I hate clowns..."
• "GET OFF MY PROPERTY!"
• "Rocko, an old cartoon isn't going to solve the kinds of problems you have."
• "I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!"
• "Rocko, we can't live in the past. We can be grateful for it. But life isn't permanent, and if we don't embrace what's now, we miss out on a lot of important stuff."

Ralph / Rachel Bighead

• "I have no parents."
• "I never want to see those two again. Never. Never! Never! Never!! Never!!!..."
• "Cartoons are my life. I thought maybe you'd come to respect that."
• "I don't care about Conglom-O. I care about... you."
• "I wanted to pursue my dream. I wanted to sculpt the world's largest still life. And now I'll never get to do it."
• "Hey, guys. Just came by to pick up the finished film. I'll give you a couple of minutes to wrap things up, okay?"
• "Oops. I didn't sabotage- I mean, I didn't expose the film, did I?"
• "But, Dad, I just wanna get rid of the studio and every shred of evidence of Wacky Delly. I don't wanna hurt Rocko."
• "Flood destroys all shows except Wacky Delly...?!"
• "Can't you see that I hate this show, and I've been trying to sabotage it since day one?! But you keep messing me up! I wanna get out of this business, and make real art!"
• "YOUUUU CRETINS! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ART IS! I'LL SHOW YOUUUUUUUU!"
• "Dear gosh. Let this not be another delusion. Can it be? Can it be that I've finally finished my life's master work? BEHOLD! MY MASTERPIECE IS COMPLETE!"
• "Even with the success of the Fatheads, I'm just not happy. I need to get away for a while, do some real soul-searching, and find the real me. I promise I'll write."
• "Why would I bring back the Fatheads? I'm not about cartoons anymore."
• "I'll do it for my parents. But since the last time I saw them, I've... changed. I'm not Ralph anymore. I'm... Rachel."
• "I'm not your son, I'm your daughter. And I'm finally happy."

Dialogue

(Mr. & Mrs. Fathead on screen...)

Mr. Fathead: WILL YOU LOWER YOUR VOICE?

Mrs. Fathead: YOU LOWER YOUR VOICE!

Mr. Fathead: I WILL WHEN YOU LOWER YOUR VOICE!

Mrs. Fathead: LOWER YOUR VOICE!

Mr. Fathead: [Sticks his head in his wife's mouth] YOU LOWER YOUR VOICE!

---

Rocko: Heffer, you listen and you listen good! This is my house, and you've taken advantage of my hospitality for the last time! I can't believe you would do this...

---

Rocko: O-kay! So Betty wakes up and says "Oh, what a beautiful day". And then the telephone...

Heffer: Or doorbell!

Rocko: Or doorbell ringing, and she answers it and says "Hello?" And then the salami...

Filburt: Or cheese!

Rocko: [getting angry] Or cheese says "I hate bologna" and attacks her through the phone before belching while all the stuff comes out of his mouth while we hold on him for a long time!

[He struggles to contain his anger]

Rocko: ... Okey-dokey? So... then... she walks up to the counter, and...

Heffer: HOLD IT!

Rocko: [furious] WHAT?!

Heffer: Hmm... y'know, I was thinkin'...

Rocko: [at the limits of his patience] Yeeeeesss?!

Heffer: ...Do we really need the cheese at all?

Filburt: Why, you big stupid cow.

Heffer: What? What'd I say?

Filburt: Why do you torment me like this?

Heffer: I'd probably do now!

Filburt: Just let me do it the way I want it!

---

Rocko: FILBURT!

Filburt: Yes boss?

Rocko: I want to see you in my office IMMEDIATELY!

Filburt: Yes boss! [uses his teeth to drag himself to the office and he arrives in the office]

Rocko: Supply and demand, Filburt; supply and demand. People demand "Big Man" comics, and we supply them. If you, Filburt can't supply "Big Man", the system breaks down. Do you follow me Filburt!?

Filburt: Yes sir.

Rocko: If the system breaks down, I DON’T MAKE A PROFIT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!!?

Filburt: No...? [Rocko turns around and shows Rocko is now the same shape and size Mr. Smitty is and Filburt screams in horror]

Rocko: YOU'RE FIRED!

[Rocko's breath sends away Filburt down the stairs, out of the shop and into the street. Random vehicles run over Filburt]

Filburt: Where are you, Really Really Big Man?

---

(Rocko and Filbert are fighting. They open the door.}

Rocko/Filburt: "What in the hell—"

(It's the deportation officer)

Rocko/Filbert: "—lo..."

---

[Mr. Dupette and assistant Mr. Noway walking to Ed Bighead's office.]

Noway: "And I think you'll agree: He has a very promising future here at Conglom-O." [opens office door, revealing Ed talking to the "Magic Meatball" dressed in a wedding dress.]

Ed: "Now it wants to call it off!"

Noway: "I'm sorry to waste your time, sir."

---

Heffer: "Where's the remote at?"

Peaches (this show's version of the devil): "Hahahaha, you poor pathetic fool. You Still don't know where you are, do you? THERE IS NO REMOTE!"

Heffer: AAAAUUUGGHH

Heffer: Wait a minute! "Heck"? Isn't it supposed to be—"

Peaches: (putting hand over Heffer's mouth) "Censors."

---

Heffer: (riding off into the sunset) Which do you think is funnier Rocko, banana or cheese?

Rocko: Cheese, Heffer, definitely cheese.

[From Zanzibar]

Guy: "And you know what they say..."

Rocko: "It's going to be a song, isn't it?"

Singing Townspeople, in unison: "You can't fight City Hall! You can't fight corporate America, they are big and we are small, you can't fight City Hall..."

[Rocko persuades them to go with him to talk to the board of directors at Conglom-O]

Rocko: "We demand to see to the Board of Directors!"

Security Guard: "And you would be...?"

Heffer: "We're a big unruly mob!"

Singing Townspeople: "We're a big unruly mob..."

Rocko: "Well, actually, we're the concerned citizens of O-Town."

Security Guard: "And you were sent by...?"

Heffer: "A big pile of rotting vegetable matter!"

Singing Townspeople: "A great big rotting pile..."

Rocko: "Well...uh, a compost heap, but the description is accurate."

Security Guard: "And do you have an appointment?"

Rocko: "Uh...this was sort a...spur-of-the-moment spontaneous thing..."

Security Guard: Uh-huh. And how do ya'll know the words?"

Heffer: "Ooh boy, he's got ya there Rock."

Rocko: "I don't know the words..."

Singing Townspeople: "He doesn't know the words...!"

Rocko: "SHUT UP!!!"

Security Guard: "Sorry, you can't get in without an appointment."

Rocko: "Oh..."

Singing Townspeople: "I guess we'll all go home..."

---

"[After Heffer accidentally reals in Rocko's underwear]"

Heffer: "Filburt..."

Filburt: "Yuck, get those away from me!"

Mr.Cheese:I am the cheese. I am the best character on this show. I am better than the salami and the bologna combined.

Heffer: "Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to witness one of the seven wonders of the world. At about 11:30 eastern-standard time through "this", our buddy Rocko will descend the staircase as he does every night for a glass of milk."

Filburt: "And he ain't dressed for the occasion if ya know what I mean!"

Heffer: "Hehehe yep, you heard right he's completely... "naked!"

Filburt: "With no clothes on!"

"[After Rocko, standing in his house naked, hears Heffer and Filburt spying on him. Heffer and Filburt turn and run.]"

Heffer: HE SAW US!!! I BELIEVE HE SAW US!!!

Filburt: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Ed Bighead: Rocko, what're you doing?

Rocko: [With a paddle in his hand] We're playing spank the monkey.

Heffer: You know, I died once.

Filburt: Yeah?

[Ed is spying on Rocko's backyard, where a nudist party is being held]

Ed Bighead: Bev! Oh, I can't believe it! Do you know what that *weirdo* next door is up to?

Bev Bighead: Oh, shut up and mind your own business, Ed.

Ed Bighead: But, Bev! They're, well... *Nude*!

[Excited, Bev grabs the binoculars from Ed]

Bev Bighead:Oh, Ed! Oh, you're right! Yes! This is disgusting!

[in whisper]

Bev Bighead: Quick, Ed, get the telescope out of the hall closet!

Peaches: I am the Dark Underlord, the Prince of Doom, the King of Eternal Torment! I am Pain! I am Evil! They call me... Peaches!

Heffer: Peaches?

Peaches: (normal voice) Would ya let me finish? (dark voice) You will rot in torment forever! (laughs)

Heffer: Peaches?

Peaches: (normal voice) Okay. Heffer. Pffffft. Oh, that's a good name, I -- (slaps self) What was I saying? (flips up fiery pit scene to reveal nothing) Just forget it.

Heffer: But wait, I though that --

Peaches: (still in normal voice) Ah, that's for the tourists.

Heffer: Wow, look at all the trees. (reading a sign) "Welcome to O-Town National Forest."

Rocko: (reading another sign) "Enjoy Nature's Splendor."

Rocko and Heffer: (seeing the Conglom-O Mall) Oooooooooooh, splendor.

{Rocko is on subway, which stops abruptly}

ANNOUNCER: Passengers we are sorry for the delay, but the train has stopped due to police activity.

ROCKO: Police activity?

ANNOUNCER: And today's police activity is {cuts to police officers doing arts and crafts} arts and crafts!

{train horn sounds}

OFFICER: Hey! I'm painting' eggs here!

[Impound Lot, everyone else is in line to get their cars back. In front of the line is a disgruntled Mr. Smitty who had parked in a no parking zone.]

Mr. Smitty: I want my car back and I want it, NOW!

Impound Lot Director: Let's take a look at this chart, shall we?

[He sternly pulls down the chart and Mr. Smitty frowns.]

Rocko: Gee, RB, I think you've got it all wrong. You've been afforded a great opportunity here! Running your very own animation series? And everybody loves it! It's your art! Instead of fleeing from your situation, you should be embracing it! You should be trying to make it the best darn show it can possibly be! You should be the best Ralph Bighead you can be!

Ralph: Yeah, Rocko. Yeah, Rocko! Yeah, Rocko!! YEAH, ROCKO!! I'M GONNA DO IT! I'M GONNA MAKE THE BEST DARN SHOW THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!!

Heffer: We're home!

[Rocko, Heffer, Filburt and Spunky run out of the house cheering.]

Filburt: Let's frolic innocently in nature!

Rocko: Um, fellas?

Heffer and Filburt: Yeah?

Rocko: I don't think we're in the '90s anymore.

[Pull out to reveal how much O-Town has changed.]

Rocko, Heffer, and Filburt: Yeah!!!

Heffer: Check it out! I got the new oPhone 8!

Filburt: Big whoop! I got the new oPhone 9!

Rocko: This is a phone? Where are all the buttons?

Heffer: This food's truck got pizza tacos!

Filburt: I got a wiener taco!

Heffer: I got a taco taco inside another taco!

Filburt: What did you get, Rocko?

Rocko: Food poisoning! [vomits]

Heffer: Where to?

Rocko: Conglom-O, Heff!

Heffer: Roger!

Filburt: Roger? I thought your name was Rachel. [Rachel gives Filburt a dirty look]

Bev: Oh, Ed, I wish you'd be more open-minded. I think it's great what Rachel has done. I'm sure she's more comfortable with herself. Plus, I just found these shoes in her size! AREN'T THEY ADORABLE?!

Ed: It's not just that, Bev. I've lost my job, I'm losing my house and now Ralph is Rachel?? I'm suffering from an extreme case of TMC: Too Much Change!!!

Other

• Spunky: "Ruff, ruff!"
• Father Lion: (while Mt. Frosty guy makes off with his family's skis) And remember, children, always keep an eye on your equipment. There's alot of people who'd just walk up and grab everything you leave standing. Just like that, gone. Then what are you gonna do?
• Fortune cookie: "Bad luck and (extreme) misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity."
• Really Really Big Man: "Look into my nipples of the future."
• Man on Subway: "WHOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE! Now i got sum swingin' room!"
• Crappie Jack: "Arr, and then, I heard a scream so loud it could be heard down in Davy Jones' locker. Mickey Dolenz's locker too, and Peter Tork's locker. All the Monkees had lockers..."
• Crappie Jack: "Wooden legs...Wooden arms... (pulls off eyepatches) WOODEN EYES, TOO!"
• Mortimer Khan: "Feel the strength of my two-ply!" "Feel the itch of real wool!" "Anglo-Saxon Hun!"
• O-Town Residents: "R-E-C-Y-C-L-E Recycle! C-O-N-S-E-R-V-E Conserve! Don't you P-O-L-L-U-T-E Pollute the river sky or sea or else you're gonna get what you deserve!"
• O-Town Residents: "A great big rotting pile!"
• Captain Compost Heap: "So you see boys and girls, if you're not nice to mother nature, she'll kick our butts."
• Salesman: "Spoon, from the people who brought you Fork." (trails off) "Coming soon, Knife"
• Peaches: (playing with a paddleball) "662...663...664...665...!" (misses) "sigh... 1...2...3..."
• Hippo Lady*: "How dare you?!"
• Grocery Store Customer: "My wife's a sea mammal!"
• Recurring Wild Pig*: "I'm a wild pig!"
• Random Person*: "Tamales make my bottom burble!"
• Son to Father: Son: "My teacher told me that every time a gas cap is found an angel gets its wings." Father: "Your teacher's full of snot."
• Leon Chameleon: Holy enchilada!
• Couch chasing Wedgie Boy: Sit on me!
• Mr. Ick: YOU'RE FIRED!! I mean, THE END!!
• Movie-trailer announcer: "This time join the little Poots on a World War II war ship, in 'Das Poot!'"
• Sausage Cult Leader: "We only eat... SAUSAGE! We love... SAUSAGE!"
• Spunky: "You're asking me?"
• Voice: "Buy this! Food-O-Matic 2000."
• Cheese: "I am the cheese! I am the best character on the show! I am better than the salami and the bologna combined!"
• Voiceover: "Notice the texture of this meatloaf, and the pineapples give it a festive touch."
• Voiceover: The meatloaf should be spongy, yet firm.