Worker: Why? It's got a three million float, competition's robust, and their technologies' two years behind, your stock's a dog.
Matthew Bevilaqua: (Sean and Matt beat the crap out of the worker) You fuckin' think a minute!
Manager: Hey, stop that! Hey, I'm still the manager here, this is unacceptable. Where's Moltisanti? I'm gonna make a call if you don't think I know who really runs this operation.
Matthew Bevilaqua: Get back in your fuckin' office! (looks around the room) Anybody else got a problem with Webistics???
Christopher Moltisanti: Hey, T! Seven and Seven over here. Whoa, whoa, what’s the matter now?
Tony Soprano: What’s the matter? I got a call from Loiaco down at the brokerage. Your two friends beat the shit out of a broker. Two others quit.
Christopher Moltisanti: The guy was pushing some other stock.
Tony Soprano: It attracts negative attention. Then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building.
Christopher Moltisanti: I’ll call them.
Tony Soprano: No, you’ll go down there, now. What did you get your license for, Christopher? Your resume, huh? I’ve been telling you; spend more time down at the brokerage. You’re the SEC Compliance Officer for Christ’s sake. You gotta exercise impulse control.
Christopher Moltisanti: Ok, Tony. I’m sorry.
Tony Soprano: Okay, alright.
Psychiatrist: I watch the news like everyone else. I know who you are, and I saw "Analyze This". I don't need the ramifications that could arise from treating someone like yourself.
Tony Soprano: "Analyze This"? Come on, it's a fucking comedy.
Christopher Moltisanti: Shut up about that!
Adriana La Cerva: Why, they're still gonna kiss your ass. They don't care if you're a junkie.
Tony Soprano: You owe me the fuckin' explanation, and you know what I'm talkin' about.
Big Pussy Bonpensiero: Yeah, well, remind me Tony, never to get sick again, huh? Remind me, please, never to have a serious illness, because, with you, and Silvio, and Paulie, and all you pricks, weakness could spread as fuckin' treason!
Tony Soprano: You know what? Fuck you! I don't wanna hear about your fuckin' back anymore! Who's your fucking boss, huh? Who's your fucking boss? Who gets the explanation? What am I, supposed to trust you? You fuckin' off the reservation cocksucker!
Raymond Curto: You heard about Jimmy Altieri, right?
Big Pussy Bonpensiero: Yeah, flipped...fuckin' ass hole.
Paulie Walnuts: He had two ass holes when they buried 'im.
Do Not Resuscitate
Tony Soprano: I think it's time for you to start to seriously consider salads.
Tony Soprano: What do I mean? I mean get off my car before you flip it over, you fat fuck.
Tony Soprano: Talk to me.
Jack Massarone: These fuckin' ditsoon activists, they're killin' me. They're picketing my place twenty-four seven. Three days I'm down already.
Tony Soprano: Who?
Jack Massarone: Ah this hard on, Reverend Herman James, Jr. He's an old song, not enough minorities doing the joint-fitting.
Tony Soprano: You were told the joint fitters union is under my uncle's jurisdiction.
Jack Massarone: I know. But if you could pave the way for me to talk to your uncle, so he could maybe send some guys down and you know, make it uncomfortable for these people. Like you did with your unions before.
Tony Soprano: It's gonna cost you.
Jack Massarone: Besides what you're already raping me for those no-show electrician jobs?
Tony Soprano: You're not such a fucking citizen when you want a construction bid to go your way, are ya Jack?
Jack Massarone: Ok...ok. Take it easy.
Tony Soprano: I'll see what I can do. Meantime, call animal control. Watch you don't get followed meetin' me.
Black Guy: We wanna talk to your foreman.
Christopher Moltisanti: You wanna talk to the foreskin?
Black Guy: You a wise ass motherfucker huh?
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, keep your mother off the streets and I won't fuck her!
Tony Soprano: Now Bobby you're gonna hear some high end shit. And A, I hope you can understand it, and B, I hope you keep it between this room and Junior. Because if you don't, I promise you, they're gonna find pieces of you in eight different dumpsters.
Bobby Baccilieri: I inherited Junior. I don't think you got reason to talk to me this way. I always liked you.
Tony Soprano: Bullshit. But we'll assume you do now.
Bobby Baccilieri: To the victor, belongs the spoils.
Tony Soprano: Why don't you get the fuck outta here before I shove your quotations book up your fat fuckin' ass.
Richie Aprile: I should stab you in the fuckin' eye!
Silvio Dante: I'm losing my balls over here! This fucking moron's playing hazel. Get the fuck out of here!
Matthew Bevilaqua: I was just trying to sweep the cheese away--
Silvio Dante: Why? Why now? Leave it there.
Matthew Bevilaqua: I don't know, I was just--
Silvio Dante: What? Where do you get these fuckin' idiots, huh? Where do you get them? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying to get-- leave the fucking cheese there, alright! I love fucking cheese at my feet! I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. Alright? So, leave the fucking cock sucking cheese where it is!
Richie Aprile: How did you get in here? (To David Scatino)
Tony Soprano: Same as you. Through the front door.
Adriana La Cerva: I heard they fired their produce guy.
Christopher Moltisanti: Enough! I'm so sick and tired o' hearin' you people talk about food, food, food! That's all anybody ever talks about is proscuitto, cheese, and fuckin' fava beans. I'm, I'm drownin' here!
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ. Take it easy.
Christopher Moltisanti: We're not even engaged yet.
Tony Soprano: Yeah well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck the importance.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
Tony Soprano: Fuckin' internet.
Livia Soprano: I know your father forbids your comin' down here.
Anthony Junior: He doesn't. Honest. He just doesn't want us ta talk about you in the house.
Livia Soprano: Well, you can go shit in his hat.
Adriana La Cerva: Jon Favreau? He's great. He's also a writer. You should show him your script.
Christopher Moltisanti: Swingers? He can suck my dick. That swings too.
Carmela Soprano: You stole my car! Where's the trust in this house?
Anthony Junior: When I get confirmed I'm gonna become a man. So how come I can't drive?
Tony Soprano: Oh yeah? Who was that MAN that we had to pick up from camp last year for bed wetting?
Anthony Junior: It was the year before last.
Carmela Soprano: You could have killed those girls.
Anthony Junior: That would have been interesting.
Carmela Soprano: What? What did you say?
Anthony Junior: Death just shows you the ultimate absurdity of life.
Tony Soprano: What is this?? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper because I'm about to put you through that goddamn window!!
Anthony Junior: See? That's what I mean. Life is absurd.
Carmela Soprano: Don't say that! God forgive you!
Anthony Junior: There is no God.
Carmela Soprano: Ey!!
Tony Soprano: Ey!!
Carmela Soprano: Where is this coming from?
Tony Soprano: Do they teach you this crap in school??
Carmela Soprano: Is this that new English teacher Mr. Clark...emm... Where is he from? Answer me!
Meadow Soprano: Overland.
Meadow Soprano: You want him to read anything other than Hustler? Hello. He got assigned ˝The Stranger˝ You want him to be an educated person? What do you think education is? You just make more money? This IS education.
Anthony Junior: Do you ever think like: Why were we born?
Meadow Soprano: Madame de Stael said: In life one must choose between boredom and suffering.
Tony Soprano: Go to your room! (Meadow leaves)
Anthony Junior: No, I'm serious. Why were we born?
Carmela Soprano: We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why. Now go upstairs and do your math.
Anthony Junior: Algebra?? That's the most boring.
Tony Soprano: Well, your other choice is sufferin'. You wanna start now?!?
Full Leather Jacket
Matthew Bevilaqua: To kick upstairs to Tony Soprano would be an honor.
Sean Gismonte: He the man.
Christopher Moltisanti: I thought you said I was the man. He the man, I the man, who the man?
Sean Gismonte: Are vee not men?
Richie Aprile: You know, maybe when I'm over there, I could fuck his wife.
Richie Aprile: (about Christopher) The attitude on that camel-nose fuck. He ever lays his hand on my niece again I'm gonna tear him apart piece by piece.
Matthew Bevilaqua: Camel nose!
Sean Gismonte: Man, you can't make that shit up.
Richie Aprile: The fuck are you talkin' about? I just did. Did you ever notice he's the only motherfucker who can smoke a cigarette in the rain with his hands tied behind his back? That nose is like natural canopy. (Sean and Matt laugh) You know the kid has his good points.
Matthew Bevilaqua: Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not sayin' anything against him. He's my homie.
Richie Aprile: Your what?!?
Matthew Bevilaqua: He lives up near me.
Richie Aprile: Well, why didn't you say that? If you wanna talk like a fuckin' mulignan, we'll send you to slip-and-fall school.
Matthew Bevilaqua: This is fucked.
Sean Gismonte: What?
Matthew Bevilaqua: This. Us. Look at us. We're like two fuckin' scared rabbits or somethin'. Douchebags.
Sean Gismonte: Don't say that.
Matthew Bevilaqua: Sean, for chrissakes, grow up to reality. We are nowhere. Buyin' fish, punchin' safes, what is that, and for what?
Sean Gismonte: We're just gettin' started. It's what you do.
Matthew Bevilaqua: We got stockbroker licenses. I went to Pace college.
Sean Gismonte: Fuck. It's true huh?
Matthew Bevilaqua: We're fucked.
Sean Gismonte: We gotta do somethin' to get ahead in this world.
Sean Gismonte: Is that all Tony said? Did he say anything else?
Christopher Moltisanti: The fuck do ya want 'im ta do? Give ya a kiss on the lips?
From Where to Eternity
Tony Soprano: Do you eat steak?
Paulie Walnuts: What the fuck you talkin about?
Tony Soprano: If you were in India, you would go to Hell for that.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm going to hell, T.
Tony Soprano: You're not going anywhere but home.
Christopher Moltisanti: I crossed over to the other side.
Tony Soprano: You what?
Christopher Moltisanti: I saw the tunnel and the white light...and I saw my father in hell.
Paulie Walnuts: Get the fuck out of here.
Christopher Moltisanti: And the bouncer said that I'd be there too when my time comes.
Paulie Walnuts: What bouncer?
Christopher Moltisanti: "The emerald piper", that's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's day everyday forever. Mikey Palmice and Brendan Filone were there too. They were friends.
Paulie Walnuts: Those two guys hated each other.
Tony Soprano: You gotta relax, you just need some rest.
Christopher Moltisanti: They're friends now. They were playing dice with two Roman soldiers and a bunch of the Irish guys.
Paulie Walnuts: Doesn't make sense.
Christopher Moltisanti: The Irish, they were winning every roll.
Paulie Walnuts: You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
Christopher Moltisanti: I forgot all about purgatory.
Paulie Walnuts: Purgatory, a little detour on the way to paradise.
Christopher Moltisanti: How long you think we gotta stay there?
Paulie Walnuts: That's different for everybody. You add up all your mortal sins, multiply that number by 50, then you add up all your venial sins and multiply that by 25. You add them together, and that's your sentence. I figure i'm gonna have to do about 6,000 years before I get accepted into heaven. And 6,000 years is nothing in eternity terms. I could do that standing on my head. It's like a couple of days here.
Paulie Walnuts: There's no denying it. I'm dragging a bunch of fucking ghouls around with me and Mikey's their fucking ringleader.
Tony Soprano: Why don't you just take it easy, will ya? We just wanna talk to ya. That's all.
Matthew Bevilaqua: It wasn't me. It was Sean. Just Sean.
Big Pussy Bonpensiero: You're shakin'.
Matthew Bevilaqua: You're gonna fuckin' kill me for somethin' I didn't do.
Tony Soprano: Don't you think we coulda killed you already, if we wanted you dead. Relax. We just wanna talk to you.
Matthew Bevilaqua: Tony, it was...it was Sean! You got to believe me, it was Sean, he got nuts! He said we're being pissed on and disrespected and that we should score points with Richie. But I told him hey, Rome wasn't built in one day! Anything Tony, I'll tell you anything you wanna know.
Tony Soprano: What'd Richie say?
Matthew Bevilaqua: It had nothin' to do with Richie, he didn't ask for it. He got mad when I told 'im. Sean did it on spec.
Tony Soprano: Alright. Come here. Come here. Come on. Are you sure nobody else was involved. Take a minute, think it over.
Matthew Bevilaqua: It was Sean all the way.
Tony Soprano: Alright. You're a good kid.
Matthew Bevilaqua: I'm thirsty.
Tony Soprano: See if we got somethin' to drink.
Big Pussy Bonpensiero: What can I get ya? You want a Fanta? Somethin' like that?
Tony Soprano: How is that? I mean, you sure you want a diet drink? You don't want somethin' with some sugar in it?
Big Pussy Bonpensiero: There was only diet.
Matthew Bevilaqua: It's good.
Tony Soprano: You finished?
Matthew Bevilaqua: Thank you T.
Tony Soprano: 'Cuz that sugarless motherfucker...the last fuckin' drink you're ever gonna have! (Tony pulls the gun out)
Matthew Bevilaqua: Ah! T, No! Mommy! Mommy! Please, Tony, please! (Tony and Pussy shoot Matt)
Tony Soprano: What do you wanna talk about?
Richie Aprile: Fucking Dick Barone!
Tony Soprano: Well, as long as the two of you are happy.
Richie Aprile: You know, Jun', it kills me to sit back and watch. Forget it.
Uncle Junior: No, finish what you were gonna say.
Richie Aprile: Well I forgot already.
Uncle Junior: Then un-forget.
Richie Aprile: I can't not notice that he's fucking you. This Scatino bust out, is like a license to steal. What's he throwing your way? U gatz. This garbage thing, he's already taking your townships. Now he's fucking with mine?
Uncle Junior: What am I supposed to do about it? I'm under indictment.
Richie Aprile: Sorry, Junior, I don't want to rip open old wounds, but...
Uncle Junior: I'm in no shape for disharmony.
Richie Aprile: You and I both know he's gotta go.
Uncle Junior: That's my nephew you're talkin' about. How dare you in my own home!
Richie Aprile: C'mon junior, this fucking guy was supposed to be laid out on midland avenue a year ago. I know it. You know it.
Uncle Junior: Let me tell you who's not a good kid. That niece of mine. I left my brother's house one night and my wallet was light. I'm talkin' about a 10-year-girl here, Richie. A word to the wise, that's all i'm saying.
Janice Soprano: (In middle of sex with Richie, while Richie holds a gun to her head) Oh, Richie baby you're the best. You're the best one. Oh baby. Oh, you're the best one ever. Oh..ah..ahh..oh baby you're the best. Oh baby you're the best. Oh, Richie. Oh, Richie!! Oh baby you're the boss. Oh, you're the boss. Oh, you're the boss. Oh baby! Oh, you're the best. Ah..ah! It should be you. Ah! It should be you. What? What?
Richie Aprile: Fuck that come from? It should be you? What are you tryin' to say Janice?
Janice Soprano: What?!
Richie Aprile: Don't what me! Why'd you say that?
Janice Soprano: I was making love to you baby!
Richie Aprile: You know what you said.
Janice Soprano: I was in the heat of passion, I'm doin' it like you like.
Richie Aprile: "Boss" this. "Boss" that. It Should be you! That's not part of it. How can you think of shit like that during sex? You're not in the moment.
Janice Soprano: I find powerful men erotic.
Richie Aprile: Is that another dig in me?
Janice Soprano: Oh, Jesus, Richie.
Richie Aprile: I got to be loyal. Without that, we crumble.
Janice Soprano: Tell that to Paul Castellano.
Richie Aprile: I'm old school, Janice.
Janice Soprano: All I mean is my brother needs help.
Richie Aprile: Teaching him manners is one thing.
Janice Soprano: My Uncle Junior still has friends and Junior thinks the world of you. When your opponent gives you an opening, be swift as a hare.
Richie Aprile: When I think of that jacket I gave your brother and he spit on it. I could slice an ear off his head.
Janice Soprano: Richie wait, wha-- ma, (Livia comes down the stairs) if you need something, call, I'll bring it up.
Livia Soprano: Are you smoking marijuana? I want to watch the tv.
Janice Soprano: Well, we should get another one for your room.
Livia Soprano: Listen to her. Like Rose Kennedy with all our money to throw around.
FBI Agent 1: You have to be absolutely 110% sure this is the man you saw.
Witness: This is definitely the man I saw.
FBI Agent 2: And the other man?
FBI Agent 2: And the other man?
Witness: Unfortunately, I didn't get a good look at him. The light was reflecting off the windshield. But he was heavy set. It was really dark. I didn't want them to see me. I heard gunshots but I, I thought it was kids with firecrackers, and then when two men drove out in a car, I crouched down in the ragweed.
FBI Agent 2: Sure.
Witness: It began to dawn on me, what had happened. Like I told the responding officers, I didn't finish changing the tire, I walked to a phone and called right away.
FBI Agent 1: Thank you Mr. Arthur.
Witness: So goddamn fed up with crime, I..I'd hate myself if I didn't come forward, help you put these people behind bars.
FBI Agent 2: Thanks to people like you, we may just do that.
Witness: May I ask who the dead man was?
FBI Agent 2: Just a poor kid, got hooked up with the wrong crowd.
FBI Agent 1: Something like that. (The witness leaves and the FBI Agents stare at photos of Matthew Bevilaqua's bullet riddled body)
Witness's Wife: Oh my God! (reading newspaper)
Witness's Wife: Oh my God! Jeez God no.
Witness: What the hell is it?
Witness's Wife: The victim has now further been identified as Matthew Bevilaqua, a Soprano family associate.
Witness: Fuck, gimme that! (reading newspaper) Officials close to the investigation are keeping tight-lipped as it may involve a high ranking mafia member.
Witness's Wife: Oh my God!
Witness: Where's that detective's number?
Witness's Wife: On the fridge.
Witness: Those lying cocksuckers. Where on the fridge!
Witness's Wife: On the fridge!!! On the fridge!!!
Witness: Where on the fucking fridge?
Witness's Wife: Oh, I knew it, I knew it! But you had to be a big man!
Michael Mcluhan: Mr. Soprano. I'm Michael Mcluhan from the US Marshals Service, here to reattach your electronic bracelet.
Uncle Junior: They give you the important jobs, huh?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The RICO Act, Eliot. We sat there and we talked about the fucking RICO Act.
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: You treat different patients, your base of knowledge expands.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Two years ago, I thought "RICO" was a relative of his.
Silvio Dante: We got Eisenhower's dinnerware from allied headquarters in London. We got a couple of Hermann Goering's personal pearl handled lugers, and get this... We got the jeep that Patton drove around in, in Sicily.
Big Pussy Bonpensiero: We have ways of dealing with you Mr. Soprano! (German uniform, German accent)
Big Pussy Bonpensiero: (in German uniform) I know nothing! Nothing! (comedic)
Silvio Dante: Ton', I am looking at the fucking history channel here!
Tony Soprano: You don't sell that shit around those routes, you hear me?
Richie Aprile: I'm workin' with Junior on this.
Tony Soprano: I don't give a shit if you're workin' with Wal-Mart. Knock it the fuck off.