Eugene Pontecorvo: Do I know my psychology? (sarcastic)
Silvio Dante: He was a good kid, Raymond.
Tony Soprano: The best.
Paulie Walnuts: At least he went fast. Not like Dick Barone, poor fuck.
Bobby Baccilieri: Dick Barone died?
Silvio Dante: Lou Gehrig's disease.
Christopher Moltisanti: You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
Eugene Pontecorvo: Look, for Tony to-
Deanne Pontecorvo: Tony...Tony...why don't you kill 'im! Put a bullet in his fuckin' head!
Eugene Pontecorvo: I can't do that.
Deanne Pontecorvo: What, you think I don't know that you've done it before?
Eugene Pontecorvo: He's the boss Deanne.
Deanne Pontecorvo: The boss of what? He's a piece of shit!
Uncle Junior: The phone keeps ringin'. And then they hang up.
Tony Soprano: Probably salespeople.
Uncle Junior: I know who it is.
Tony Soprano: Pussy Malanga...I know. We'll get J. Edgar Hoover right on it.
Join the Club
Government Agent: What are these?
Uncle Junior: A watch an' a pencil.
Government Agent: Repeat the following sentence, "No ifs, ands or buts."
Uncle Junior: I'll do it if I fuckin' feel like it. Take your ultimatums and stick 'em in your ass.
Government Agent: No...repeat the sentence.
Uncle Junior: (yelling) What is this person talkin' about?!
Perry Benedek: These people are trying to establish for the government, that if you shot Anthony Soprano, which we're not conceding, that it certainly wasn't intentional. That you were confused and disoriented.
Government Agent: Don't coach him, please.
Uncle Junior: My nephew Anthony?!
Perry Benedek: That's why you're here in custody.
Uncle Junior: Where's Mel?
Perry Benedek: You dismissed Mr. Melvoin as your attorney and hired me, because of his paralyzed hand from his stroke, it made you nervous.
Uncle Junior: If somebody shot my nephew, it was him himself. He's a depression case.
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh. Ahmed. You guys here again? You oughta put up a tent on this fuckin' bar.
Ahmed: How's Tony? The girl said that he was hurt pretty bad...
Christopher Moltisanti: He's keepin' his dick up.
Ahmed: His uncle did this to him? I was saying to Muhammad, why the hell-
Christopher Moltisanti: Not somethin' we talk about.
Muhammad: Please, give Tony our best when you talk to him.
Christopher Moltisanti: I will.
Christopher Moltisanti: Vito already pulls down more scratch than anybody, from the unions.
Paulie Walnuts: Let 'im go ta the hospital first. That fat fuckin' kiss-ass. I'm buyin' Tony a nice little stereo fer the room.
Christopher Moltisanti: He don't need that.
Paulie Walnuts: How's the skip doin'?
Vito Spatafore: Same. You forget somethin'? Like my cut?
Paulie Walnuts: You believe this guy? You should've lost some weight in that nose, keep it outta everybody's business. I'm workin' on it.
Vito Spatafore: (Vito and Paulie argue in the bathroom while Silvio is on the toilet) I was just sayin', I'm gonna get T's piece of my half to Sil for her. Of the thing.
Paulie Walnuts: Back up there, Bluto. Your half? I did all the heavy liftin'.
Vito Spatafore: You would never heard about it without my information.
Paulie Walnuts: Big help. It was fuckin' mayham. You said the place was empty. Doc says I need an ultrasound on my groin and balls.
Vito Spatafore: Sil, you wanna weigh in here?
Silvio Dante: It breaks half and half. You both kick Tony's to me to deal with.
Paulie Walnuts: I'll have it for you Sil, the whole eighty K.
Vito Spatafore: Ho, ho, ho. Eighty K? How's that twenty percent of a million?
Paulie Walnuts: Have a cookie, you're delirious. It was seven fifty, tops.
Vito Spatafore: Fuck it all, Paulie. Tommy cased that shithole.
Silvio Dante: What's with the fuckin' accountin' out there? That's a hundred grand a piece. You got it? We're lookin' after Carmela.
Paulie Walnuts: No question.
Vito Spatafore: Of course. Sooner than later Paulie.
Paulie Walnuts: I gotta piss first, you want half o' that too?
Christopher Moltisanti: (After Benny Fazio and James Zancone hit J.T. Dolan and dragging him out of a meeting) Give me that fuckin' fisheye! I'm offerin' you a way ta wipe your fuckin' obligation! Wasn't me who told you ta start gamblin' again.
J.T. Dolan: I can't write a feature now. I just landed a staff job.
Christopher Moltisanti: People are seein' huge profits with these digital horror movies. Douchebags who never made a film before.
Benny Fazio: That "Saw" thing, four hundred grand ta make, took in a hundred mil worldwide.
J.T. Dolan: I'm a hundred percent well? I deliver this script, I owe you nothin'?
Christopher Moltisanti: You hear this dude? Hundred percent well...he's a bad boy huh, with that lingo? Real fuckin' dark character. My idea is "Saw" meets "Godfather Two." Proven track record, both genres. Young wiseguy, assassin, gets betrayed by his people. They whack 'im, leave his body parts in dumpsters all around the city. Long story short, he is put back together by science, or maybe it's supernatural. And he gets fuckin' payback on everyone who fucked 'im over, includin' the cunt he was engaged to. She was gettin' porked by his boss the night the hero was killed. We'll have a meeting tomorrow. We hear what you've fleshed out before we go ta script. Bing. Two Thirty. Don't make me come look fer you.
Vito Spatafore: Fuck took you so long?
Paulie Walnuts: I had ta get it together, didn't I? We gotta get that cut ta her now.
Vito Spatafore: Easy. That's a fuckin' guilty move.
Paulie Walnuts: Tony's conscious. You capisce? Everybody and his mother was in there talking ta 'im when he was in that coma. Carmela. Who knows what the fuck they said? Maybe he's expectin' that money.
Vito Spatafore: Jesus Christ.
Carmela Soprano: (yelling) I swear ta God, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Anthony Junior: What the fuck?!
Carmela Soprano: You made a fool of yourself and our family on national fucking television!?
Anthony Junior: Look, I didn't even say that shit. Aight, they totally misquoted me.
Meadow Soprano: Holy shit...
Carmela Soprano: Well, of course they did! That's what they do! Which is why I and everybody else told you, "Don't talk to the press!"
Anthony Junior: Yeah well you're the one who looked like a total asshole. Draggin' me around like I was five years old.
Carmela Soprano: You are a cross to bear. That's all you are. To your father, to me, to everybody.
Anthony Junior: Fuck this! Alright! Fuck it all! (Anthony Junior leaves)
Hugh DeAngelis: Jesus, Mel, the hell's wrong with you?
Carmela Soprano: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? (Carmela leaves)
Meadow Soprano: Mom. It had to happen. She's fried.
The Fleshy Part of the Thigh
Nucci Gaultieri: Paulie! I won forty dollars at Keno. (Paulie grabs her) Ow!
Paulie Walnuts: Is there somethin' you wanna tell me about?
Nucci Gaultieri: What?
Paulie Walnuts: I just saw Aunt Dottie, and guess what? Turns out she's not my aunt. Turns out she's my mother.
Nucci Gaultieri: No, that's not true.
Paulie Walnuts: Don't bullshit me. You been bullshitting me my entire life!
Nucci Gaultieri: Paulie!
Paulie Walnuts: It's true, isn't it? Isn't it? Son of a bitch!
Nucci Gaultieri: Oh how I dreaded this day.
Paulie Walnuts: I gave you everything! I gave you a son's love, all under false pretenses.
Nucci Gaultieri: No!
Paulie Walnuts: You're a fraud and a phony! And she's even worse. She's a whore. My mother's a fuckin' whore!
Nucci Gaultieri: Don't say that! She was a young girl. She wanted to be a nun, but she got in trouble.
Paulie Walnuts: And you helped her out, cooked up this little scheme. Forget who gets victimized!
Nucci Gaultieri: I loved you. I always loved you. Paulie! (Paulie leaves)
Tony Soprano: "Wallet biopsy"? Nice. Very nice.
Rudy Diaz: These people are sayin' I took money from your wallet? Fuck that!
Christopher Moltisanti: Whoah. Whoah. Whoah. What'd you say?
Rudy Diaz: I was looking for proof of insurance. I was only doin' my job.
Tony Soprano: They heard a lot o' that at Nuremberg. You owe me two K. It was gone from my wallet.
Rudy Diaz: I don't have that kind o' money.
Christopher Moltisanti: One week... (Chris looks at Rudy's name tag) ...Rudy Diaz, or you'll need a paramedic.
Tony Soprano: Is he fuckin' kiddin' me?! I told them I need that W-2 in perpetuity...and 5 percent o' the fuckin' sale price?! He thinks 'cause I'm in this weakened condition, he can take advantage. Well, he can go fuck himself!
Paulie Walnuts: I'm just tellin' you what Phil told me, Ton'.
Tony Soprano: You tell Jason before he sells, he better understand his obligation!
Jason Barone: There's lifetime employees who expect compensation. It's only equitable. Now if you're willing to take care of that, maybe we could still work things out.
Charles Cinelli: Tony Soprano, right? Fuck that and fuck him. He's your problem.
Jason Barone: Look, the numbers just don't work.
Helen Barone: (from afar) Jason! I'm going to the buffet table.
Jason Barone: Be right there mom. If I give Tony what he wants, I lose money on the sale. I can't do that to my mom.
Charles Cinelli: Kid, you work it out any way you want, but nobody's backin' out of the deal.
Jason Barone: Mr. Cinelli, I'm sorry, but the bottom line is, I'm not selling the company to you. There are other buyers out there. Tony was quite clear about that.
Charles Cinelli: I'll tell you the fuckin' bottom line, laddy buck. The Barone routes are now Cinelli routes. That's that.
Jason Barone: (Paulie smashes Jason's leg with a steel rod) Aw, fuck! Ahhh!!!! Oh. Oh. Oh.
Paulie Walnuts: Guess what, fuckin' mama's boy?! You're kickin' up four grand ta me every month. I don't care if you're in Deer Valley or Death Valley! Four grand, every goddamn month! And if you ever mention a word o' this ta Tony, I'll stick this up your ass... (Paulie takes out his gun) ...and pull the trigger till the bullets come out your eyes. (Paulie kicks Jason)
Jason Barone: Ah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.....
Mr. and Mrs. John Sacramoni Request
Prosecutor: The defendant's request for temporary release from federal custody to attend his daughter's wedding is ludicrous. Mr. Sacrimoni is a known member of organized crime at the helm of a vast criminal conspiracy.
Defendant: I notice you're wearing a wedding ring, Miss Vaughn. Was your father at your wedding?
Prosecutor: My father wasn't awaiting trial on forty seven RICO predicates including murder.
Tony Soprano: Well, here I am. Back.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yup.
Tony Soprano: So, let me ask you right off, is there any chance of a mercy fuck?
Tony Soprano: Gloom is your business and business is good.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were shot Anthony, by a member of your family.
Tony Soprano: I know.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And unless I know absolutely nothing about what I'm doing, I think you and I'll have a lot to talk about. Are you familiar with the term, "post-traumatic stress"?
Tony Soprano: I get it, okay? My uncle tried ta kill me...for the second time. Three strikes and I'm out right?
Christopher Moltisanti: Allegra... ain't that a cold medicine?
Paulie Walnuts: Means happiness in Italian.
Christopher Moltisanti: The fuck's that got to do with cold medicine?
Phil Leotardo: I'll tell ya one thing and I'm not ashamed ta say it. My estimation of John Sacrimoni as a man just fuckin' plummeted.
Tony Soprano: Give 'im a break, will ya? It's an emotional day...
Phil Leotardo: Ta cry like a woman? It's a fuckin' disgrace.
Paulie Walnuts: His fuckin' coach turned into a pumpkin. Heh heh.
Phil Leotardo: Well, even Cinderella didn't cry...
Tony Soprano: Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.
Phil Leotardo: Yeah, well let me ask you this. If they can make him cry and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make 'im do?
Christopher Moltisanti: I gotta agree with Phil, Ton'.
Tony Soprano: Oh, you do, do ya?
Live Free or Die
Christopher Moltisanti: You are not gonna fuckin' believe this.
Christopher Moltisanti: We ran into this kid. Vito was spotted in a fag bar in New York.
Tony Soprano: By who?
Christopher Moltisanti: The kid's cousin. Allegedly.
James Zancone: Probably bullshit.
Silvio Dante: He's a married man.
Paulie Walnuts: With a goomar!
Tony Soprano: Aight, back up a second. What'd the kid say exactly?
Christopher Moltisanti: The kid's cousin, Sal Iacuzzo-
Carlo Gervasi: From Yonkers, I know him.
Christopher Moltisanti: Sal was at this place in the city, supposedly on business. He saw Vito holdin' hands with a guy in nipple rings.
James Zancone: You're leavin' out the best part.
Christopher Moltisanti: He was wearin' a motorcycle outfit, like the guy in the Village People with the leather hat and the vest.
James Zancone: Chaps too.
Paulie Walnuts: I dunno. Fucking slander, ask me.
Tony Soprano: All right, lets take this in the back.
James Zancone: Yeah, that's what Vito did.
Tony Soprano: (to James) You can go. (Everyone except for James goes to the back)
Paulie Walnuts: Tell you one thing, if it was me this kid was spreadin' rumors about, he'd have somethin' up his own ass. And it wouldn't be no cock either.
Carlo Gervasi: That's the point though. This guy Sal, I know him. He's a friend o' ours.
Christopher Moltisanti: I fuckin' called it, long time ago.
Tony Soprano: You knew Vito was a ricchione'?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yes.
Tony Soprano: When?
Christopher Moltisanti: I never said it, but I knew.
Tony Soprano: Eh, get the fuck out, huh. And, and, Enough o' this rush ta judgment. For all we know this fuckin' Sal guy's got a hard-on for Vito. (Chris laughs) Oh, you think this is funny, huh? There's a man's reputation at stake here.
Paulie Walnuts: A married man, with kids.
Carlo Gervasi: Nah, that don't mean shit. Elton John was married.
Silvio Dante: Yeah, Rock Hudson too. I think.
Christopher Moltisanti: So, whatta we gotta do Ton', actually see him take it in the ass?
Tony Soprano: Get Vito on the phone. (Patsy tries to call Vito)
Silvio Dante: You know, he called me the other night. Three o'clock in the morning after the wedding.
Tony Soprano: And?
Silvio Dante: Eh, honestly, it was weird. He wanted to know what was goin' on.
Christopher Moltisanti: He was fuckin' fishin'. See if we heard.
Patsy Parisi: Straight ta voice mail. (Patsy hangs up)
Silvio Dante: Ton', I mean, he represents us.
Tony Soprano: I'm gonna condemn the man off the word o' some fuckin' douchebag from Yonkers.
Patsy Parisi: I could care less, basically.
Paulie Walnuts: Yeah? Maybe you're a flambe? (Patsy sticks his middle finger at Paulie)
Carlo Gervasi: Fuckin' nauseating. It's up to me, I'd drag Vito behind my fuckin' car right now.
Tony Soprano: Oh, will you take it easy over there, fuckin' Judge Roy Bean?
Silvio Dante: One of my bar girls knows his goomar. We'll check with her. Maybe she's seen 'im and knows where he is. Loren. (Patsy leaves)
Carlo Gervasi: Think about it, though, Ton'. Sudden weight loss.
Paulie Walnuts: AIDS?
Tony Soprano: Nobody's got AIDS. Now I don't wanna hear that word in here again.
Christopher Moltisanti: Somebody started a joke. I won't mention any names. There's no truth to it.
Corky Caporale: Oh.
Christopher Moltisanti: It's a fuckin' captain you're talkin' about. People went to see 'im, he was down the shore with his goomar.
Corky Caporale: So it's bullshit then.
Christopher Moltisanti: As soon as he saw 'em, he took off like a bat outta hell.
Corky Caporale: Fuck. (They laugh)
Christopher Moltisanti: You didn't hear it from me.
Corky Caporale: It could be a mid-life thing.
Christopher Moltisanti: Suckin' a cock?
Tony Soprano: He's a fa-ag!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And?
Tony Soprano: Now what am I supposed ta do?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About what?
Tony Soprano: I know what. They're born that way, right? It's not their fault. Frankly, I think they go about in pity for themselves.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think they see it as a fault.
Tony Soprano: In your circle, I'm sure you got all kinds of uh, gays, and uh, trans-whatevers of all stripes. But not where I come from.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You personally, how do you feel about homosexuality?
Tony Soprano: I find it disgusting. Men kissin' men, holdin' hands in the street. Every fuckin' TV show now, they rub your nose in it. Although, that, the lesbian thing with the, uh, Jennifer Beals, it's not bad. She a dyke in real life? I don't give too much of a shit, what people do behind closed doors with the consentin' adults. Although, don't forget, I'm a strict Catholic. I agree with that Senator Sanitorium, says if we let this stuff go too far, pretty soon we'll be fuckin' dogs.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I hear a lot of ambivalence.
Tony Soprano: This guy that got outed, look, the guys that look for me are askin' fer head. (pause) His head, what the fuck. You know, him and me, we're in the construction business. Now some o' these union old-timers, the contractors, they're not gonna wanna be seen with him. And I'm talkin' huge deals, major fuckin' dollars.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A lot of your circle must have done jail time. They can't be strangers to male-male sexual contact.
Tony Soprano: Well you get a pass fer that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's nice.
Tony Soprano: Well, what are ya gonna do? There's no women there. Y-y-you're there five, ten years. And just for the record, my, uhh, incarceration was very short term, so I never had any need for any anal-you know.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So this fellow who's been outed, what's he saying?
Tony Soprano: You think I'm lyin' don't you? About when I was in jail.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've given you no indication I think you're lying.
Tony Soprano: What the fuck, I suppose somethin' inside me says God bless, a'salut'. Who gives a shit? I mean, I had a second chance. Why shouldn't he?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Part of your new outlook?
Tony Soprano: Maybe.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I salute it then.
Tony Soprano: Tall fuckin' order, I'll tell ya that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How so?
Tony Soprano: Well, you can talk about every day bein' a gift and uh, stoppin' ta smell the roses, but regular life's got a way pickin' away at it. Your house. The shit you own. It drags you down. Your kids. What they want. One bad idea after another. Just tryin' ta work a cell phone menu is enough to make you scream.
Silvio Dante: Lemme ask you a question. Before he cornered you in the porta-potty, when the security guard was suckin' him off-
Finn DeTrolio: Whoah one sec, it-it was the other way around.
Paulie Walnuts: What?!
Finn DeTrolio: Vito was blowing the security guard.
Paulie Walnuts: Son of a bitch!!!
Carlo Gervasi: Catchin', not pitchin'?
Finn DeTrolio: He's not gonna know I told you?
Paulie Walnuts: You ain't gonna have no problem from Vito, believe me.
Finn DeTrolio: What are ya gonna do?
Christopher Moltisanti: It'll be okay. Get him ta pay for some therapy.
Tony Soprano: (to Finn) Look, why don't you, uh, go out front, just get yourself a sandwich, any kind ya like huh? Soda. And, when we're done here, somebody'll take you back. Alright. (Finn leaves)
Christopher Moltisanti: (laughs) I wanna kill the fat faggot myself! Be a fuckin' honor. Cut off his pisciatil' and feed it to 'im.
Tony Soprano: There can be no mistake now.
Paulie Walnuts: I can't believe I stuck up for 'im! I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart.
Bobby Baccilieri: Well, we can't have 'im here in our social club no more. I mean, that much I do know.
Carlo Gervasi: Social club? He's gotta go!
Tony Soprano: I wanna think about it.
Bobby Baccilieri: Yeah, I-I don't know.
Paulie Walnuts: (Paulie stands up) What the fuck?! What is there ta think about?
Tony Soprano: Sit down. (to Paulie)
Paulie Walnuts: Fuck that! I'll say it again! What the fuck is there ta think about?
Tony Soprano: You gonna take care of his kids, huh, after he's gone?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's true. They didn't do nothin'. Poor little guys.
Tony Soprano: Now sit down. (to Paulie)
Paulie Walnuts: I'm sorry if I yelled T, it's just, how much more betrayal can I take?
Christopher Moltisanti: (laughing) Vito a fag. Big construction tycoon. Ton', when he was always talkin' about "greasin' the union," who knew, that's what he meant? (does jerk off notion with his hand and Patsy Parisi laughs hard in response)
Tony Soprano: Alright, this stays in these four walls. Understood?
Finn DeTrolio: You weren't there for the "grand inquisition" about Vito.
Meadow Soprano: Uh, I knew it. I'm picking the fight.
Finn DeTrolio: I was in the back of a butcher shop with your Uncle Paulie, ratting out a guy, I don't really even know. I mean, what do you think's gonna happen to Vito, for being gay? And don't give me any of that "poverty of the Mezzogiorno" bullshit. We're in fucking Caldwell, New Jersey, and you're on your high horse about justice? They are gonna mete it out themselves.
Tony Soprano: You lost your fuckin' mind? The shit you're in with that kid, which you brought on yourself.
Artie Bucco: Brought on myself? Oh, I suppose you let a certain element into your world, you're askin' for it.
Tony Soprano: Oh!
Artie Bucco: Jesus fuckin' Christ. How could you pull that scam at my place?
Tony Soprano: Come on, you know I woulda never let that happen if I'd known.
Artie Bucco: You're innocent. I get it. I'm just another victim of "Benny Fazio: Criminal Mastermind."
Tony Soprano: That's right. The moment you found out, instead of puttin' him in the ER, you shoulda come to me. He says he's gonna kill you Artie.
Artie Bucco: I can't take American Express now Tony. You know what that means? I have to start with the fuckin' "two-fors." My accountant insisted, ya happy? Life's not fair, right I know. But somehow, I believed my dad's crap about honest work. He used ta say ta me, "You'll see, pay's off in the end." What a joke.
Tony Soprano: I hate ta see you like this. You know that. 'Cuz you start thinkin' crazy shit!
Phil Leotardo: Sure, we break some balls here tonight, but I go way back. And in light of recent humiliations, it's an honor to be joined by men, and not faggot ass corn-holin' cocksuckers like married my cousin. He should fuckin' die!
Tony Soprano: Whoah whoah whoah. Phil!
Gerry Torciano: Take it easy. Phil, you know the wine makes you emotional.
Phil Leotardo: 'Cuz I got an empty fuckin' stomach.
Tony Soprano: So have a breadstick.
Patsy Parisi: Forty Five minutes for some grilled eggplant?
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ. Is there nothin' without this complainin'?
Benny Fazio: Hey Artie. Come here.
Artie Bucco: You ready ta order?
Benny Fazio: Why you kickin' her ass like that?
Artie Bucco: If you're referrin' to the fact that she's my employee and I'm tellin' her what to do, last time I checked, that's the way it works.
Benny Fazio: She thinks you want her ta cry. I said not true.
Artie Bucco: She told you that? 'Cuz you two talk all the time...
Benny Fazio: Yeah, so what?
Artie Bucco: So maybe you should hire her.
Benny Fazio: I know how to treat people.
Artie Bucco: You're a people person, obviously.
Benny Fazio: I am. And when they're good to me, they get treats. And when they're not, well I got this severence thing I do, it's a complete break actually.
Artie Bucco: Ohohohohohohohohoho. I get it. Uhuh. See 'cuz you talked around that bit so much, I almost missed it.
Benny Fazio: Artie? You know what time it is?
Artie Bucco: We need to talk.
Benny Fazio: Now? My wife is pregnant. She needs to sleep.
Artie Bucco: Martina told me about your little credit card business. Step outside man.
Benny Fazio: I'll be outside a minute honey. Look, you're upset, alright. But it's not my fault that little trick got greedy.
Artie Bucco: Oh, so she's a little trick, huh? (Artie shoves Benny)
Benny Fazio: I was gonna cut you in, but now you're actin' stupid.
Artie Bucco: Regular people are all fuckin' stupid? (Artie heavily shoves Benny and Benny reciprocates with a hard punch as the fist fight ensues)
Benny Fazio: You want some more? (Artie lunges at Benny, takes him down, and batters his face with an onslaught of heavy punches)
Artie Bucco: Piece of dog shit. Little greasy motherfuckin' meatball dog shit. Poo. (Artie spits on Benny's battered body and performs some angry punch moves) I'm stupid...? (Artie leaves)
Artie Bucco: Benny, can I get you a Martina?
Benny Fazio: 'Scuse me?
Artie Bucco: A Martina. It's like a Martini, but it's from Albania.
Artie Bucco: Well, apparently, they go down real easy, right Benny?
Benny Fazio: (staring at Artie) We're gonna look at the menu.
Artie Bucco: Good enough. (Artie leaves)
Marie Spatafore: (she receives a call and the caller i.d. is "Thad McCone") Hello?
Vito Spatafore: (on phone) Hey, it's me.
Marie Spatafore: Where are you? Who's Thad McCone?
Vito Spatafore: Some guy.
Marie Spatafore: Oh, my God! Vito...
Vito Spatafore: Not that. I'm just borrowin' his phone. Listen, Marie, I'm sorry all this had ta happen. I never meant ta hurt you.
Marie Spatafore: Come back, Vito. Just come back.
Vito Spatafore: It's a little more complicated than that.
Marie Spatafore: Please, Phil said it'll be all right. We could get you help. We could get you psychiatric help.
Vito Spatafore: Phil? I trust him least of all.
Marie Spatafore: How can you say that? He's family. He loves you.
Vito Spatafore: Not anymore. Believe me.
Tony Soprano: Hey, Mrs. Conte. Como esta? How's the hip?
Mrs. Conte: Hey, Anthony. Oh, I need your help.
Tony Soprano: What?
Mrs. Conte: Those nigger fuckin' whores, they play that music so loud.
Tony Soprano: Now that's not nice. Now those are Puerto Ricans, Mrs. Conte.
Mrs. Conte: I ask 'em nice ta turn it down. They tell me ta go fuck myself.
Tony Soprano: Aight. I'll see what I can do.
Mrs. Conte: Thanks. Hey, how's Junior? Tell 'im I said hello.
Tony Soprano: Yeah.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sociologists say that twenty six is in fact the new twenty one.
Tony Soprano: And the new twenty six is what? I'm forty six, so that means I'm what, thirty five?
Tony Soprano: What can I do for you Phil?
Phil Leotardo: Vito...do we know where he's at?
Tony Soprano: Well that really doesn't concern you. How's John?
Phil Leotardo: I dunno. Fine, through his vale of tears. But seriously...Vito...what's being done about 'im?
Tony Soprano: Well, like I just said, it's none of your fuckin' business 'cause he works for me, not you.
Phil Leotardo: He's married to my cousin. He dishonored me personally.
Tony Soprano: What do you want me ta do...put out an APB on the guy 'cause he takes it up the ass, huh? It's a victimless crime.
Phil Leotardo: Marie is a victim. Her children are victims. They've done nothing. And they're forced to live with the shame and humiliation. I gotta be frank, in your father's day, we wouldn't be havin' this conversation. A finook in his crew, he knew how ta handle that.
Tony Soprano: I sympathize with Marie, and the children, okay? But don't you fuckin' tell me what to do. You're only actin' boss.
Phil Leotardo: I swallowed my pride when your murderin' fuck of a cousin killed my brother. Don't think I'm gonna do it twice.
Tony Soprano: Phillip, lets not make a beef where there isn't one. Fundamentally, we are in agreement on this issue, but I'll handle it.
Anthony Junior: My stomach hurts.
Tony Soprano: (furious) You stupid fuckin' moron. You realize what could've happened ta you...if we didn't have connections? Some cop goes by the book and they charge you with attempted murder! Your hear me?! Attempted murder! Then what? Then what?
Anthony Junior: So he shot you! You just gonna let him fuckin' get away with it?!
Tony Soprano: I told you that's my business, not yours! And what did you do? Nothin'! Zero! A big fuckin' jerkoff!
Anthony Junior: Fuck you!
Tony Soprano: I oughta break your fuckin' neck! Stop cryin'. Stop cryin'! I guess your heart was in the right place, A.J. But it's wrong. Come on.
Anthony Junior: What?
Tony Soprano: It's not in yout nature.
Anthony Junior: No...you don't know me. Aight, you don't know anything about me!
Tony Soprano: You're a nice guy and that's a good thing for Chrissakes!
Anthony Junior: Bullshit!
Tony Soprano: I mean it. You're a good guy. I'm very grateful.
Anthony Junior: Well, you're a fuckin' hypocrite, aight, 'cause every time we watch "Godfather," when Michael Corleone shoots those guys at the restaurant, those assholes who tried ta kill his dad, you sit there with your fucking bowl o' ice cream and you say it's your favorite scene of all time!
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ, A.J. I mean, you make me wanna cry. It's a movie. Ya gotta grow up. You're not a kid anymore. You hear me, you...you...you gotta grow up. (A.J. throws up) Get in the car. First of all, your mother does not find out about this.
Paulie Walnuts: (on phone) Yeah.
Little Paulie Germani: (on phone) Paulie, it's me. We had a problem down here, the ride...the Teacups...or whatever, a bolt busted. Thing jammed up. Some people got hurt.
Paulie Walnuts: Where's the guy who owns it?
Little Paulie Germani: He's talkin' ta the cops.
Paulie Walnuts: Fine. Fuck it. What'dya want from me?
Little Paulie Germani: It's pretty bad Paulie. Lady broke her wrist. Some Puerto Rican kid lost some...some teeth.
Paulie Walnuts: Ah...what am I, a fuckin' dentist?
Little Paulie Germani: I don't know, I thought you'd wanna...know. Maybe come down or somethin'.
Paulie Walnuts: I gotta be up in the mornin'. I got my fuckin' biopsy.
Little Paulie Germani: A'right. I...I'll take care of it.
Bobby Baccalieri: (angrily, at Paulie) Hey cocksucka!!! You hire some fly-by-night piece of shit and you don't tell nobody?
Liz La Cerva: When? That piece of shit, your nephew.
Carmela Soprano: They broke up, Liz. She ran off.
Liz La Cerva: She doesn't call me for almost two years? My birthday? Christmas?
Carmela Soprano: You two always did have a very difficult relationship.
Liz La Cerva: The FBI came to my home. You'd be amazed at the questions they asked me.
Carmela Soprano: Liz...
Liz La Cerva: They admitted...they think that he killed her.
Carmela Soprano: Come on, Liz...you're drunk.
Liz La Cerva: Drunk? It's called depression. I haven't had a drink in years.
Carmela Soprano: I ran into Liz La Cerva at the feast.
Tony Soprano: Yeah...
Carmela Soprano: She has got it in her head that Christopher killed Adriana.
Tony Soprano: Uhuh...what? That's insane.
Carmela Soprano: I know. Then again, he does have a history of being free with his hands.
Tony Soprano: Oh, that makes him O.J.? She was probably drunk Carm.
Carmela Soprano: I really don't think she was.
Tony Soprano: Alright...let me school you on domestic violence, okay? First and foremost, there's always a body. And ninety nine out of a hundred, and this comes straight from my cop buddies, it happens either in the bedroom or in the kitchen. He killed her, believe me with the forensics they got nowadays, the...uh...fibers, we'd know about it.
Carmela Soprano: The FBI came to her house, Liz.
Tony Soprano: That's exactly my point. If they thought he did it, how fast do ya think they'd haul his ass in? Sour grapes, Carm. He dumps her daughter, all of a sudden he's Scott fuckin' Peterson.
Carmela Soprano: I thought Ade dumped him.
Tony Soprano: You know what I mean. She was a sweet girl, Ade. But the two of them together was a toxic relationship.
Carmela Soprano: Yeah, they did have a rough time of it.
Tony Soprano: And he's doin' great, Christopher. He's a different person. He's married. He's got a kid on the way. He's focused. Let's not sabotage his progress.
Moe N' Joe
Janice Soprano: You punish Bobby because he's my husband.
Tony Soprano: Will you stop, huh?
Janice Soprano: To be his age and not to be a captain.
Tony Soprano: Oh...now I see what this little visit's all about.
Janice Soprano: He works so hard for you...and what does he get, merciless ridicule...about his weight, about his model railroading.
Tony Soprano: He's a grown man!
Janice Soprano: Oh, but it's okay for Neil Young!
Tony Soprano: He owns Lionel!
Carlo Gervasi: Anyway, Bobby's vision's fucked now. They're hopin' the repair will take. I mean, he could be a candidate for a cornea transplant.
Tony Soprano: He should be a candidate for a brain transplant.
Anthony Infante: Listen, as far as that thing goes...the coffee with the chicory...
Johnny Sack: The fuck is that?
Anthony Infante: Oh shit. I suck at talkin' like this John, I'm sorry. Our friend with the stomach.
Johnny Sack: In town or near home?
Anthony Infante: Your neighbor. A.S.
Johnny Sack: Yeah, all right. Just say the thing I asked you to do. The coffee with the fuckin' chicory. Is he gonna get it for me?
Anthony Infante: Yes. Bad news is that he wants ten cups for himself. Not seven.
Johnny Sack: Alright. Done. Did you pick up the birthday cake for Gin with the marzipan flowers?
Anthony Infante: The stuff behind the pool?
Johnny Sack: No, an actual fuckin' cake. It's her birthday.
Tony Soprano: Guys her age were always buyin' me ice cream, givin' me baseball cards. Kissin' my ass to get in good with her.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sounds a little like jealousy.
Tony Soprano: No guy wants his sister to be the town pump.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You weren't sexually threatened?
Tony Soprano: Oh, Jesus Christ. Will you make up your fuckin' sick mind? First it's my mother, now I wanna fuck my sister?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's normal, not sick. That she functioned as the focus of your early sexual feelings. In fact, it was probably mutual.
Vito Spatafore: Nuthin. He's just there, that's all.
Tony Soprano: You sandbag me, I cut your fuckin' throat open.
Vito Spatafore: I'm sorry. I didn't know what else ta do. I want back in. Can I sit?
Tony Soprano: No you can't sit!
Vito Spatafore: It was complicated, I was workin' things out.
Tony Soprano: I'm sure it gets complicated, when you're taking it up your fag ass.
Vito Spatafore: I'm not a fag, I never was.
Tony Soprano: 'Scuse me?
Vito Spatafore: It was the medication I was on. For my blood pressure. It fucked with my head, but I'm over that now. I could probably get a letter from my doctor.
Tony Soprano: A note from your doctor sayin' you don't like to suck cock?
Vito Spatafore: First off. I pay my way back in. I got two hundred K that goes directly to you, personally. No one else needs to know. Long term...I know construction's out. Those guys...but Meth, running girls, a lot more tolerant atmosphere. I got contacts in A.C. With your support, I could set myself up there. I'd be close, but not too close. Ton'. Please, don't turn your back on me. (Tony leaves)
Bobby Baccilieri: Vito. He was found beat to death this morning in a motel in Fort Lee. My cop up there told me.
Patsy Parisi: Minchia.
Bobby Baccilieri: Plus the homicide detectives told him Vito had a pool cue rammed up his ass.
Tony Soprano: How 'bout the fact that I hate my son? I come home, he's sittin' on the computer in his underwear...wastin' his time in some chitchat room goin' back an' forth with some other fuckin' jerkoff... gigglin' like a little school girl. I wanna fuckin' smash his fuckin' face in.
Dominic Gamiello: That pool cue, I wonder if it was chalked. (about the one shoved up Vito's ass when he was killed)
Silvio Dante: Very funny Dom. Very cute. I don't quite get it, but cute.
Dominic Gamiello: Hey you know the autopsy found a three ball in his side pocket.
Carlo Gervasi: You're on a run.
Dominic Gamiello: They found a hanky with Carlo's lipstick in his other pocket. I'm just breakin' balls. You're right though...shouldn't laugh about a tragedy. That old homo actor Raymond Navarro, had an ivory dildo stuck up his ass when they found 'im.
Silvio Dante: Pretty up on all this shit, huh Dom?
Dominic Gamiello: Come to think of it, he was from Jersey too.
Carlo Gervasi: What'd they find up your mother's cunt?
Silvio Dante: Time ta hit the trail for Metuchen, huh, whaddya say?
Dominic Gamiello: My mistake. Carlo's lipstick was on Vito's cock.
Silvio Dante: (Silvio slams Dominic in the back of the head and a fight ensues where Carlo and Silvio attack Dominic at the same time) Hit 'im! Hit this prick.
Tony Soprano: Tomorrow morning seven a.m. you go to this address, you ask for a Mr. Caravalho. I just got off the phone with him.
Anthony Junior: At seven in the morning? For what?
Tony Soprano: You're gonna be workin' construction.
Anthony Junior: What?
Tony Soprano: Ferryin' cement in a wheelbarrow.
Anthony Junior: So it's outdoors?
Tony Soprano: Yeah.
Anthony Junior: Well, it's wintertime.
Tony Soprano: You got a lot o' those hooded sweatshirts. Like the mulignans wear that you watch on MTV. You can double up.
Anthony Junior: Come on, this is bullshit.
Tony Soprano: Every penny you make, you keep. We won't charge you any rent. And believe me, the pay is good, it's a union job. I just wanna see you do good. You're my son and I love you.
Anthony Junior: Look, I'm just gonna have to leave your friend in the lurch when I go back to school.
Tony Soprano: That's okay. He deals with that all the time.
Anthony Junior: I'd just as soon keep searching online.
Tony Soprano: I'm sure you would. But if you're not at that site tomorrow morning, I'm gonna take away your car, and then I'm gonna take away your clothes. And then I'm gonna take away your room and I'm gonna take away your mother's cookin'. And pretty soon you're gonna be on the fuckin' street. (Tony steps away, grabs a helmet and smashes it into AJ's car window)
Anthony Junior: What the hell are you doing?
Tony Soprano: It might get a little drafty drivin' down there tomorrow. But I will have this fuckin' thing towed out o' here and ground up into fuckin' Brillo pads. I mean, look at it, you don't take care of it. Don't put me to the test.
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: As we know, Phil asked me to arrange this meeting after the fire in his wire room.
Phil Leotardo: Correction. You asked me to fuckin' attend. I agreed.
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Fair enough. Now I won't call it a sit-down because of the inclement negative implications. Let's think of it as...a meeting of minds. Now for whatever reason, certain incidents have expired lately that in addition to being dangerous could have an adverse impact on our respective bottom lines.
Phil Leotardo: I know Vito's bottom was impacted if that's what you're referring to.
Tony Soprano: Call him what you will but you're talkin' about one of my captains.
Phil Leotardo: Captain? The Good Ship Lollipop, right?
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Phil, please.
Phil Leotardo: Please, my ass. The man was a fuckin' disgrace.
Tony Soprano: Well, before he came outta the closet, he worked for me. And he put a lot of money in my pocket. And yours too.
Phil Leotardo: Talk about earners? How 'bout Fat Dom Gamiello?
Silvio Dante: What about 'im?
Phil Leotardo: He's M.I.A. A lot of people are concerned for his well-being.
Tony Soprano: So what the fuck would I know about that?
Phil Leotardo: Well as coincidence would have it, he was last seen in New Jersey.
Tony Soprano: So was the Hindenburg. Maybe you wanna look into that too.
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Tony, please. Phil. We're gettin' off point. I grew up in this, guys. And I just lost my friend Rusty. And for reasons I will discern in time, believe me. If there's one thing my father taught me, it's this...a pint of blood costs more than a gallon of gold. My business...all of our businesses...this infighting's costing money.
Tony Soprano: I'm willin' ta move forward. Let the past be bygones.
Phil Leotardo: Fine with me.
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: A wise decision...on both your parts. Now what I'd love to see is a truce. Wipe the slate clean. The no-shows. The wire room. Vito...put it all behind us.
Tony Soprano: Yeah...
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Your brother Billy, whatever happened there...
Tony Soprano: All right then...
Phil Leotardo: "Whatever happened there?"
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: The shooting...
Phil Leotardo: "Whatever happened there?"
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: God rest his soul, huh?
Phil Leotardo: I'll tell you what fuckin' happened. This piece of shit's cousin...
Tony Soprano: Calm down Phil.
Phil Leotardo: ...Put six bullets in the kid without any provocation whatsoever!
Tony Soprano: My cousin's dead.
Phil Leotardo: Fuck you!
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Phil, hey we were makin' headway here. I didn't mean to say...
Phil Leotardo: Fuck what you meant, cocksucka! Come on! (Phil and his gang leaves)
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ, Carmine. What the fuck? Why would you possibly bring that up?
Gerry Torciano: Don't get me wrong, I loved Dom more than anybody. My point is we don't know if Tony was behind this.
Phil Leotardo: It's payback for Vito.
Gerry Torciano: So why the fuck did they blow up the wire room?
Albie Cianflone: Balls on this prick...
Butch DeConcini: To blow up a store...you call that balls? Balls is you look a guy in the eye while you jam a ice pick through his lung.
Albie Cianflone: I meant balls as in "nerve," "gall."
Butch DeConcini: I know what the fuck you meant. Far as I'm concerned, this is like nine eleven. Tony wanted our attention? Fine. He got our attention. Now we wipe 'im off the planet.
Phil Leotardo: You know that fat cocksucker says I look like the Shah of Iran?
Butch DeConcini: Who does?
Gerry Torciano: Tony...
Albie Cianflone: I never got that at all...
Phil Leotardo: Fat piece o' shit.
Butch DeConcini: It's irrelevant, Phil. But he's testin' you...all the time. And you keep indulgin' him.
Phil Leotardo: You're right. But whack a boss? I won't do that.
Butch DeConcini: It's been done before.
Phil Leotardo: And it was wrong then.
Butch DeConcini: Eye for an eye then, huh? Pick somebody over there.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You came out of that shooting feeling each day is a gift. Well, this is a corollary to that.
Tony Soprano: A what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You don't have to eat every dish of rigatoni. You don't have to fuck every female you meet.
Carmela Soprano: I told you. I had another dream about Ade in Paris. A French policeman told me she was dead and I had to tell her.
Christopher Moltisanti: Save it. Like Monica Lewinsky. Show your friends how hard you made me come.
Soprano Home Movies
Tony Soprano: (About killing a person) You know, come ta think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right?
Bobby Baccilieri: No.
Tony Soprano: Yet your old man was the fuckin' terminator.
Bobby Baccilieri: (about playing Monopoly) You know, the Parker Brothers took time ta think this all out. I think we should respect that.
Janice Soprano: Fuck the Parker Brothers. Just play the game.
Bobby Baccilieri: (After Tony makes a joke about Janice) Oh! What about my wife!?
Tony Soprano: You married her.
Bobby Baccilieri: She's my home. No more talkin' like that!
Janice Soprano: It's okay Bobby.
Bobby Baccilieri: Stay outta this! You Sopranos. You go too far.
Tony Soprano: Alright, you know, Jan. He's right, I'm sorry. I crossed the line, I apologize...won't happen again.
Janice Soprano: (After Bobby beats Tony up) What the fuck were you thinking?
Bobby Baccilieri: You're my wife. He insulted you.
Janice Soprano: I'm a big girl. I can take care o' myself. Oh God, he is head of the family. Do you think he's just gonna wake up tomorrow and forget about this?
Janice Soprano: (looking at Tony sitting outside after getting beat up by Bobby) Fuckin' look at him out there.
Bobby Baccilieri: What?
Janice Soprano: I've seen that sitting in the chair thing.
Bobby Baccilieri: Come on...people sit in chairs...
Gerry Torciano: All due respect, he's a great guy Doc, but boss material?
Silvio Dante: Important thing is we all work together, whoever winds up in the driver's seat.
Gerry Torciano: Phil will, I'll never get it. The man was my mentor, was right there for the taking.
Silvio Dante: His heart Gerry, what's he gonna do?
Gerry Torciano: That's my point though. What you just said. Johnny goes away, it's Phil's turn in the driver's seat and his heart gives out.
Silvio Dante: Right.
Gerry Torciano: His heart.
Silvio Dante: I know, what?
Gerry Torciano: It's a metaphor. He lost his balls is what I'm sayin'.
Silvio Dante: Just say it then. Walt fuckin' Whitman over here. (Their goomars come by) Ladies.
Gerry Torciano: Hey.
Silvio Dante: You alright?
Gerry Torciano: How you doin'?
Goomar: Should we get some more wine?
Gerry Torciano: Where's this fuckin' waiter, on sabbatical?
Silvio Dante: What's the name o' that sangovaise we had at quadrugate, huh, the night you- (Gerry Torciano gets gunned down by an assassin)
Tony Soprano: So how was Florida?
Phil Leotardo: Hot and sticky...like my balls.
Warren Feldman: (Johnny lies in bed) I don't know if you heard but...Gerry Torciano. He was hit last week in Brooklyn.
Johnny Sack: Who?
Warren Feldman: Gerry Torciano. Was all over the news. They whacked 'im in some restaurant. Did you know 'im?
Johnny Sack: Yeah...uh...um...good guy. So hard to breathe.
Christopher Moltisanti: The whole sequence with Sally Boy bangin' the fiance. You gotta tell Tony that was your idea.
J.T. Dolan: It wasn't my idea.
Christopher Moltisanti: What are you, fuckin' stupid now? He probably thinks I put it in there to embarrass him.
J.T. Dolan: Why did you put it in there?
Christopher Moltisanti: It was an idea. I don't know. Who knows where they fuckin' come from. Isaac Newton invented gravity 'cause some asshole hit 'im with an apple.
J.T. Dolan: It's bad enough that I don't get credit for my own ideas. Now I'm supposed ta take responsibilty for some shit that's gonna get me in trouble. Fuck that man. (Christopher lifts an award from J.T.'s counter)
Christopher Moltisanti: Human-itis award...? What's that?
J.T. Dolan: Humanitas. From the Paulus Brothers, for writing themes of socially redeeming- (Christopher slams the award on J.T.'s head) Ow!
Christopher Moltisanti: Look out the window! You see a fuckin' Hollywood sign out there? Maybe you talk ta your agent like that, but don't ever get fuckin' snippy on me again.
Phil Leotardo: That cocksuckin' piece o' shit, Tony Soprano's cousin, I can't even say his name, murdered Billy. And what did I do about it? My weakness...sometimes I think it's in my DNA. My family took shit from the Amerigans the minute we get off the boat.
Butch DeConcini: Come on, fuck you talkin' about?
Phil Leotardo: Leotardo, that's my fuckin' legacy...no more Butchy...no more o' this.
Carter Chong: Once in third grade, I got a ninety six on my spelling test, highest mark in the class, I was so proud. I brought it home to show my dad...what happened ta the other four points, he says. (Carter takes a pause) Fuck you! Fuck you! (Carter slams his fists together)
Tony Soprano: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Paulie Walnuts: What?
Tony Soprano: You tell some fuckin' goober your life story? We're supposed ta be layin' low!
Carter Chong: (Jameel brings pictures for Uncle Junior to sign) What do you do with those Jameel?
Jameel: Autographed pictures of the man who capped Tony Soprano? Shit, them mother fuckers go right on ebay.
Patient: (Junior is playing checkers with Carter) Heh. Checkers. The thinking man's game.
Uncle Junior: You lookin' for a smack in the fuckin' mouth.
Supervisor: Corrado. Language please.
Uncle Junior: What do you want?
Patient: If you'd move, perhaps I can reach the chess set.
Uncle Junior: And if I don't, what the fuck you gonna do then?
Patient: You don't intimidate me.
Uncle Junior: You're lucky she's here you little prick.
Patient: Naturally, you're only tough when there's an authority figure nearby so things won't go too far. Oh, how the mighty have fallen- (Uncle Junior beats the crap out of the patient) Ahhhh! Ahh!
Carter Chong: Get 'im! Get 'im!
Uncle Junior: How do ya like that, huh, fuckin' tough guy?! How do ya like that?! I'm gonna kill this prick!
Mrs. Chong: How are you feeling?
Carter Chong: Fine.
Mrs. Chong: Maybe you can clear something up. Dr. Mendel says you've been acting aggressively toward other patients.
Carter Chong: First of all, that is total fucking bullshit.
Mrs. Chong: Carter.
Carter Chong: And secondly, why don't you just lead off with that?
Mrs. Chong: What are you talking about?
Carter Chong: Instead of pretending you give a shit how I feel.
Mrs. Chong: Now apparently, you are becoming a bully. Dr. Mendel feels you're modeling your actions on the wrong people.
Carter Chong: Really, like who?
Mrs. Chong: You know who. That gangster. (Referring to Uncle Junior)
Carter Chong: You of all people should know not to believe what you read in the paper...all that crap they wrote about daddy.
Mrs. Chong: That was the Wall Street Journal. It was entirely different.
Carter Chong: It's never enough, is it? My whole time at M.I.T., you told me, get out and make friends, now I finally do learn to assert myself a little...suddenly that's a negative!
Tony Soprano: Listen, I gotta bring this up.
Phil Leotardo: A favor already?
Tony Soprano: 'Scuse me?
Phil Leotardo: Anthony, you always have business on your mind. Take a night. Smell the cognac.
Tony Soprano: Marie Spatafore came ta see me. She wants a hundred grand ta relocate on the count o' Vito Junior already has his own social worker.
Phil Leotardo: Pattie told me there was doin's. I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the faggot's ass.
Tony Soprano: That's beautifully put. But, you're family right? Cousins?
Phil Leotardo: What can you do, throw money at the problem?
Tony Soprano: Well somebody's gonna.
Phil Leotardo: I'll talk ta the kid. Set 'im right.
Tony Soprano: Good.
Tony Soprano: I don't know...I look at my key guys...Paulie, Christopher, my brother-in-law, what's number one on their agenda, you know? They're all fuckin' murderers for chrissakes.
Hesh Rabkin: Did you hear the one about the Jewish terrorist? He was gonna hijack a plane but he didn't wanna use his miles.
Tony Soprano: (to Carlo Gervasi) Maybe you should start suckin' cock instead o' watching TV land, 'cause Vito brought in three times what you do on construction. Yeah! And I didn't have this fuckin' problem!
Bobby Baccilieri: Speakin' o' loads. Hear the latest on Vito Junior.
Christopher Moltisanti: What?
Tony Soprano: Marie called. He got expelled 'cause he took a shit in the shower in gym class.
Paulie Walnuts: Oh!!!
Christopher Moltisanti: That sick little fuck!
Tony Soprano: You should see 'im. The makeup. Now without school, Marie says he's shut in his room all day.
Christopher Moltisanti: Probably thinkin' about how ta pull a Columbine.
Walk Like A Man
Carmela Soprano: Anthony?
Anthony Junior: What?
Carmela Soprano: I am making French Toast.
Anthony Junior: I'm not hungry. Jesus, how many times are you gonna ask me?
Carmela Soprano: You heard the term "Comfort Food." Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Anthony Junior: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
Tony Soprano: Well, neither is actin' like a whiny little bitch.
Paulie Walnuts: What d'ya say we take a ride...little prime rib, on me.
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe next time.
Paulie Walnuts: What, are you watchin' your cholesterol now too?
Paulie Walnuts: Lower your voice! I got neighbors!
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck your neighbors! When you gonna pay me?
Paulie Walnuts: When you suck the money outta my ass! Now get the fuck out!
Christopher Moltisanti: Listen, I gotta talk ta you!
Tony Soprano: Now?
Christopher Moltisanti: It can't wait T, this fuckin' Paulie!
Bobby Baccilieri: What happened?
Christopher Moltisanti: He sent his idiot nephew and Jason Molinaro ta my father in law's store. They boosted a power to power source.
Tony Soprano: They did?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah. Not exactly, Al caught 'em while they were there.
Tony Soprano: So, they did or did not take the source?
Christopher Moltisanti: They did. Under false pretense.
Tony Soprano: And this is what you couldn't wait ta talk ta me about?
Christopher Moltisanti: They broke inta the guy's store T!
Tony Soprano: Yeah, I hear ya, I get it. But we're in the middle o' talkin' about an ongoing potentially multi million dollar proposition here Christopher.
Christopher Moltisanti: It ain't the money Ton'.
Tony Soprano: Oh really? Well I'm glad ya feel that way. Power ta drills, you believe this shit? Go have a Live Ricky or whatever the fuck it is you're drinkin' these days and we'll be done in a few minutes.
Christopher Moltisanti: Forget it, alright! I got other shit ta do!
Christopher Moltisanti: Hey.
Paulie Walnuts: How you doin' kid?
Christopher Moltisanti: How's Little Paulie?
Paulie Walnuts: He's fucked up. He got your flowers though.
Christopher Moltisanti: Good. Listen Paulie-
Paulie Walnuts: Forget it, okay? Shit happens, what are ya gonna do. There's no point ruminatin'.
Christopher Moltisanti: You're right, I just wanted ta say I'm sorry.
Paulie Walnuts: Me too.
Kennedy and Heidi
Tony Soprano: (on phone) Alright, listen. Sweetheart, there's been an accident, We were comin' back from the city and Christopher's dead.
Carmela Soprano: (on phone) (Gasps) Oh my God!!!
Tony Soprano: Alright...Carm...
Carmela Soprano: What happened?
Tony Soprano: He drove off the road...and...and...and the car flipped over and...look, I'll tell you in detail.
Carmela Soprano: Are you okay?
Tony Soprano: I just banged my knee, you know the one from High School, I'm fine, but...he wasn't wearin' a belt.
Carmela Soprano: So where are you, Saint Claire's.
Tony Soprano: Listen, they're gonna call Kelli, if they haven't already...and...just get Al and Rita on the phone...and get 'em started already.
Carmela Soprano: Alright. Alright. Oh my God, Tony. He's dead?!
Tony Soprano: (pause) Yeah.
Silvio Dante: He didn't seem high did he?
Tony Soprano: Are you kiddin'? I've been furious. I woulda fuckin' strangled 'im.
Tony Soprano: Get me a scotch.
Meadow Soprano: Are you serious?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. And have one yourself.
Tony Soprano: You alright?
Paulie Walnuts: I know I had my differences with that kid...but maybe I didn't do right by him neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the fuck did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over cocksuckin' fuckin' money. And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink...or a little taste o' snow.
Tony Soprano: It's over Paulie.
Tony Soprano: You know what? This is bullshit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What?
Tony Soprano: I haven't been able ta tell anybody this, but I'm fuckin' relieved.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony Soprano: He was a tremendous drag on my emotions...on my thoughts about the future. I mean, ta begin with...every mornin' I wake up thinkin' "is today the day that one o' my best friends is gonna dime me ta the FBI." And a weak fuckin' snivelin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind o' bet. The biggest blunder o' my career is now gone. And I don't have ta be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on... (Tony does a non-caring notion with his hand)
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see.
Tony Soprano: Let me tell you somethin', I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony...my best friend, Puss'...but this...
The Second Coming
Anthony Junior: Fine. Bury your head in the sand.
Tony Soprano: How 'bout I bury yours in that fuckin' wall instead.
Phil Leotardo: First off, it wasn't an offer. It's my position. Twenty five percent.
Tony Soprano: That's it?
Phil Leotardo: What else would you like me ta say?
Tony Soprano: Come on Phil, what...what's the problem? I come here on good faith. I make a reasonable counter.
Phil Leotardo: Which I considered...and rejected.
Tony Soprano: Do we need ta talk in private?
Phil Leotardo: For what?
Tony Soprano: Okay then...in front of everybody. When you were sick, in the hospital, we talked. We shared a...uh...an understanding about life.
Phil Leotardo: This is business Anthony.
Tony Soprano: Yeah I...I know. But I'm talkin' ta ya here on a human level. There's a limit Phil. Come on. Point where business bleeds into other shit. Feelings make things financially unfeasible.
Phil Leotardo: Charles Schwab over here. (everyone laughs)
Tony Soprano: So that's it? No leeway, no compromise, just stupid fuckin' jokes.
Phil Leotardo: You want compromise? How's this? Twenty years in the can, I wanted Manicott. I compromised. I ate grilled cheese off the radiator instead. I wanted ta fuck a woman but I compromised...I jacked off in a tissue. You see where I'm goin'?
Tony Soprano: Yeah... (Tony leaves)
Tony Soprano: Alright, lets dispense with the five hundred pound elephant in the room huh? My kid tried ta off 'imself. We all fuckin' know it. That's it...nobody's got nothin' ta say...
Bobby Baccilieri: How's he doin' Ton'?
Tony Soprano: They got 'im under observation, whatever the fuck that means. Stupid fuck! When did I lose this kid. What did I do wrong?
Paulie Walnuts: Whoah, come on.
Silvio Dante: Don't blame yourself T.
Bobby Baccilieri: Lot o' pressure on kids today Ton'.
Tony Soprano: Still, ta try ta kill 'imself.
Bobby Baccilieri: It happens skip.
Tony Soprano: (to Bobby) Happen ta your kids? (to Patsy) Or yours?
Patsy Parisi: They're all different Ton'. My son Patrick, I love 'im ta death, but he can be a moody prick sometimes...
Coco Cogliano: Lucky guy, her dad, must be fun tuckin' her in at night, huh?
Patrick Parisi: You have a problem?
Coco Cogliano: Not yet. Would you like one?
Albie Cianflone: Coco. Come on.
Coco Cogliano: What, I'm sayin' hello.
Albie Cianflone: Come on, lets go.
Coco Cogliano: Hey, best ta yer dad, eh. (Coco laughs)
The Blue Comet
Butch DeConcini: Tony Soprano, obviously. Plus Silvio Dante, and we think, Bobby Baccilieri.
Ray-Ray: That mortadell's number three? He used to be Junior Soprano's driver.
Albie Cianflone: And you used to sell laser printers out the back o' your Crown Vic.
Tony Soprano: And missin' sessions, unfortunately, is part o' my condition.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a shit, about commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science. Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.
Tony Soprano: Well, if the shoe fits. (Melfi stands up) We're makin' progress. It's been seven years.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you want some names?
Tony Soprano: O...okay, (Tony stands up) I'm...I'm...listen I'm gonna tell you somethin', and you're not gonna like it but we can say anything in here-
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go ahead!
Tony Soprano: Alright...I'm...I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're not my gynecologist.
Tony Soprano: Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows. (Melfi walks to her door and opens it) So wait a minute, you're tellin' me, after all this time, after everything we shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital, for trying ta kill 'imself.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.
Tony Soprano: You know, I gotta be fuckin' honest, as a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.
Carmela Soprano: AJ, how...how are we going ta get him ta go along, he won't leave his room, let alone the house.
Tony Soprano: He's gonna leave the house.
Carmela Soprano: Tony...
Tony Soprano: On a piece of plywood if necessary, but he's gonna leave the house.
Anthony Junior: You just bust in? I mean, we could've been doin' anythin'!
Tony Soprano: Yeah, but, what were you doin'? Nothin'.
Anthony Junior: Uncle Bobby's dead...
Tony Soprano: Yeah.
Anthony Junior: You know, this is really depressing to me.
Tony Soprano: He was a good guy.
Anthony Junior: I was already having so much trouble maintaining.
Made in America
Tony Soprano: Thirty thousand dollars for that car!
Anthony Junior: Isn't that what you have insurance for?
Carmela Soprano: What, excuse me? You're not getting another one!
Anthony Junior: Actually, that's good! It'll force me to take the bus.
Carmela Soprano: What?
Anthony Junior: We have to break our dependance on foreign oil.
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: It didn't have to be this way.
Butch DeConcini: We agreed. It's gone too far. Phil...I don't know, he's changed. You got my word. We'll back off.
Tony Soprano: My price is you help us get a location on Phil.
Butch DeConcini: I can't go there. But you do what you gotta do.
Tony Soprano: One more thing. You hit my brother in-law.
Butch DeConcini: So?
Tony Soprano: This is my sister we're talkin' about. She's gotta see somethin' outta this.
Butch DeConcini: We'll come up with a number? (Tony agrees and shakes hands with Butch)
Carmela Soprano: Okay, as your parents, we don't feel joining the army is in your best interest.
Anthony Junior: This country is in a crisis.
Carmela Soprano: How can one soldier stop it?
Anthony Junior: When my enlistment's up, I could join the CIA or something. And with a military background, I'd have a leg up. And as an Arabic speaker, I'd be really useful.
Tony Soprano: I don't understand. You're gonna ask the Donald for some time off from your pilot job to go on CIA missions?
Anthony Junior: Everything's a joke to you!
Tony Soprano: I'm not havin' a good time.
Anthony Junior: Did you, or did you not want me to go to military school!?
Tony Soprano: So?
Paulie Walnuts: All due respect, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I'm gonna pass.
Tony Soprano: I don't fuckin' believe this! Why?
Paulie Walnuts: Every guy who ran that crew died prematurely.
Tony Soprano: Ah, come on!
Paulie Walnuts: I beat cancer once, you got no idea what that does ta you!
Tony Soprano: Yeah, I know, I know, but Jesus, you got-
Paulie Walnuts: Richie Aprile, Ralphie M.I.A., Vito, and who knows what the fuck with Carlo and Gigi!
Tony Soprano: Gigi died takin' a shit!
Paulie Walnuts: Doesn't mean it's not part of an overall pat!
Tony Soprano: Paulie, you gonna deny yourself life change o' the money? A package to leave your neice who has MS? You know, it's like your bullshit with the cat. The fuckin' animal catches mice for us, but you drown it.
Paulie Walnuts: I would.
Tony Soprano: He's not lookin' at Christopher! A rat died in the wall back there or some shit.
Paulie Walnuts: I moved the picture, that fuckin' thing came to the new spot, and stared.
Tony Soprano: The abstract shapes or somethin'. Tell you this, since his death, my gamblin' looks done a one eighty.
Paulie Walnuts: Oh, okay. It's fine for you ta believe that, but I can't worry about a jinx? Ton', I never told this to another livin' soul...
Tony Soprano: Yeah?
Paulie Walnuts: One time at the Bing, I was alone ta meet Eddy Lind. I saw the Virgin Mary.
Tony Soprano: Why didn't you say somethin'? Fuck strippers, we coulda had a shrine. Sold holy water in gallon jugs. Coulda made billions!
Paulie Walnuts: I tell you somethin' deep in my heart, and you laugh it off?
Tony Soprano: I'm not sayin' there's nothin' out there Paulie, but to not live your life? What the fuck are you gonna do? Hey, you don't want the job, you don't want the job. I could put Patsy in there. He's gonna be part of my family now. Be good.
Paulie Walnuts: Prick. You always know what ta say ta me, don't ya?
Tony Soprano: I'm serious.
Paulie Walnuts: I live but to serve you, my leige.
Uncle Junior: Hello.
Tony Soprano: What, you don't recognize me?
Uncle Junior: We used to play catch.
Tony Soprano: You don't remember that you shot me? Alright, enough with the fuckin' burns. I'm Anthony, Johnny's son.
Uncle Junior: Fuck you want, a boutonniere?
Tony Soprano: Alright, listen to me, Uncle Pat came to see me about Janice, about your money.
Uncle Junior: People keep askin' me. I don't know. There's a man from another galaxy that came here.
Tony Soprano: That's your accountant.
Uncle Junior: I'm confused.
Tony Soprano: Any money should go to Bobby Bacala's kids, now Janice may not do that, but Bobby was with us. He was a made guy. Wouldn't be right.
Uncle Junior: Me, I never had kids.
Tony Soprano: You remember where your stash is, you let Uncle Pat know. Me, as the head o' the family, I'll hold onto it as a guardian, for Bobby's kids. You remember Bobby?
Uncle Junior: Sure.
Tony Soprano: You don't know who I am, do ya? Remember Johnny? Johnny Boy? Your kid brother? This thing of ours.
Uncle Junior: I was involved with that?
Tony Soprano: You and my dad. You two ran North Jersey.
Uncle Junior: We did?
Tony Soprano: Yeah.
Uncle Junior: Hmm. Well, that's nice. (Tony's eyes swell up with tears)