The Sopranos: Season 4

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The Sopranos (1999 – 2007) is an American television series, airing on HBO, about a fictional Italian-American Mafia family in Northern New Jersey that is led by mob boss Tony Soprano.

Season 4

For All Debts Public And Private

Bobby Baccilieri: World really went downhill after the World Trade Center. You know, Quasimodo predicted all of this.

Tony Soprano: Who did what?

Bobby Baccilieri: All these problems, the middle east. The end o' the world.

Tony Soprano: Nostradamus. Quasimodo's the hunchback of Notre Dame.

Bobby Baccilieri: Oh, right. Notredamus.

Tony Soprano: Nostradamus and Notre Dame, that's two different things completely.

Bobby Baccilieri: It's interesting though they'd be so similar, isn't it? And I always thought, "OK, Hunchback of Notre Dame. You also got your quarterback and your halfback of Notre Dame".

Tony Soprano: One's a fucking cathedral!

Bobby Baccilieri: Obviously, I know. I'm just sayin'. It's interesting, the coincidence. What, you're gonna tell me you never pondered that? The back thing with Notre Dame?

Tony Soprano: No!

Murf Lupo: We had a little scare. Thought it was a shunt in his heart, he passed some gas. He seems better. (about Uncle Junior)

Uncle Junior: Why don't you go on Joe Franklin, tell the whole tri-state area.

Carmela Soprano: There is no reason you shouldn't be able to pass Social Studies.

Tony Soprano: You passin' Social Studies?

Anthony Junior: You just revealed your own ignorance...it's only been five days, we didn't get grades yet.

Tony Soprano: I what? I reveal my own what? (Tony smacks AJ in the back of the head)

Christopher Moltisanti: (about Tony) Fuckin' asshole. Ever since I questioned his judgment on some Ralphie-Jackie Jr. problem. Like he's fuckin' infallible. Pope Tony the twenty third or some shit.

Tony Soprano: And I provide for my children.

Carmela Soprano: Yes, Tony. You do. But I don't know how you do it, because you won't tell me. Well, let me tell you something, or you can watch the fucking news...everything comes to an end.

No Show

Ralph Cifaretto: I hear Ginny Sack's getting a ninety five pound mole taken off her ass.

Christopher Moltisanti: So I was thinkin' right...what we do is start our own group. I'll be the singer and you two can back me up.

Danielle: Yeah right...ha ha ha...

Adriana La Cerva: Puh-lease!!

Christopher Moltisanti: What?!! It's so hard to rap? Mah bitch. Mah Ho. Mah Ho. Mah bitch. Mah bitch bitch. What? A joke? You don't wanna back me up?

Carmela Soprano: The therapist told her it is her "right" to go to Europe.

Tony Soprano: Whoa, whoa, she actually thinks this a good ide- [sits on a bowl of cereal, tosses it onto Meadow's desk] She actually thinks this is a good idea?

Meadow Soprano: She says it's no big deal, I can pick up my education wherever, whenever.

Carmela Soprano:: Oh, really?

Meadow Soprano Wendy said she can get me into a school in Barcelona if I decided to stay.

Tony Soprano: Who's "Wendy"?

Meadow Soprano: Dr. Wendy Klober.

Carmela Soprano: Barcelona...

Tony Soprano: I could take Melfi's head and crush it like a fuckin' walnut.

Carmela Soprano: I feel battered!

Meadow Soprano: [getting out of bed] I've gotta get to the salon.

Carmela Soprano: Did you tell "Wendy" you didn't work all summer?

Meadow Soprano[sarcastically] Wait, you're right, I forgot to mention the "pivotal role" of the work ethic in this family!

Carmela Soprano: You can lose that smart mouth right now.

Meadow Soprano: Or what? What is this, Afghanistan? I'm over eighteen now, I'm a grown woman, I can go wherever I want and do what I want.

Carmela Soprano: Alright! Jesus, God, we know that! Is that your only point here? Because "just" getting what you want is for babies, not adults.

Meadow Soprano: It may interest you to know she thinks I probably should be on Prozac.

Carmela Soprano: She does?

Tony Soprano: She said that?

Meadow Soprano: Jackie was murdered! I know you think it's nothing screaming my head off at the Columbia-Army game wouldn't cure.

Carmela Soprano: That is so unfair.

Tony Soprano: Alright, look, I've been thinking about this: now you're a smart girl, the right move is for you to wait. Just until next year maybe?

Meadow Soprano: You know what I don't understand, Dad? You were all in favor of me going.

Tony Soprano: Your mother doesn't want it.

Meadow Soprano [sarcastically] Wow, listen to "Mr. Mob Boss"!

Tony Soprano: What did you call me?

Meadow Soprano All this fucking pussyfooting around, years now? Why don't we just get it out all there?

[Tony is furious, and marches up to Meadow's face]

Carmela Soprano: Tony...

Tony Soprano: Shut up.

Carmela Soprano: Tony!

Tony Soprano: [to Meadow] You got something you wanna say to me?

Meadow Soprano: What do you mean?

Tony Soprano: What do I mean? What do you mean? All these innuendoes. You inferring to me that I didn't do everything I could to keep that kid from fucking himself up? That yeah, knowing him and his family... that I didn't try to be a better dad to him than his own dad, God rest his soul? That I didn't try to protect Jackie Junior? That I didn't actually smack him around, 'cause I was so frustrated? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Meadow Soprano: [breaking down in tears] I'm through telling people you help with environmental cleanup!

Tony Soprano: That's not what I asked you.

Meadow Soprano: Like you could talk honestly for three fucking seconds!

Tony Soprano: You try me!

[...]

Meadow Soprano: I've made my plans, I'm going to Europe, and I'm getting the fuck out of here! [runs out of her room]

Tony Soprano: So how's yer love life?

Janice Soprano: Why don't you mind your goddamn business?

Tony Soprano: I don't know, it kinda feels like it is my business considerin' I had to haul your last boyfriend outta your kitchen in a hefty bag.

Janice Soprano: You're a miserable fuck. You know that? You're just like Ma.

Tony Soprano: Oh yeah?

Janice Soprano: Yeah really, with your condescension and your sabotage. For your information, Ralph is a great guy.

Tony Soprano: Trust me, I got more information than I need about Ralphie.

Janice Soprano: Well it's always something, Tony. What are you, threatened by the fact that he has a sense of style?

Tony Soprano: Oh a sense of style?

Janice Soprano: Ralph Lauren? Collegiate?

Tony Soprano: Let me ask you a question Janice, do I know this guy better than you? Cause I'm tellin' you, he's no fuckin' good.

Janice Soprano: My happiness really drives you crazy, doesn't it, Tony?

Little Paulie Germani: Ralph told this funny fuckin' joke though at umm..at Albert's party. He goes, "Ginny Sack had a ninety five pound mole surgically taken off her ass."

Paulie Walnuts: He said that?

Little Paulie Germani: Yeah...

Paulie Walnuts: And you think its funny?

Little Paulie Germani: Uh...it's some bad taste...huh?

Christopher Moltisanti: And don't think I forgot about you goin' through my fuckin' fiance's underwear drawer.

Patsy Parisi: That wasn't me you fucking jerk!

Christopher

Native American Protestor: Mussolini was Hitler's bitch!!!

Ralph Cifaretto: You need a lot right now, and I don't think there's anything I can do.

Rosalie Aprile: You can be there for me. You can comfort me.

Ralph Cifaretto: What about me? What do I get out of it?

Rosalie Aprile: There it is. Right there. What do you get! How 'bout yer every need taken care of sexually, everything. All yer shit! It's all about you, isn't it?!!!

Ralph Cifaretto: It's not all about me, but I mean...let's be realistic.

Rosalie Aprile: Let's be realistic?! What, you wanna leave me?

Ralph Cifaretto: (pause) yeah...

Rosalie Aprile: Then get the fuck out!!!

Ralph Cifaretto: It doesn't have to be like this.

Rosalie Aprile: How should it be, huh? How the fuck should it be?! (Ralph leaves)

Carmela Soprano: He was a victim of his time.

Anthony Junior: Who cares? It's what he did.

Tony Soprano: He discovered America is what he did. He was a brave Italian explorer. And in this house, Christopher Columbus is a hero. End of story.

Reuben 'The Cuban': Christopher Columbus was no better than Hitler.

Hesh Rabkin: Hey...whoah...whoah..whoah...whoah. Back up. Hitler?

Reuben 'The Cuban': Yeah. I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Silvio Dante: Yeah that Indian..uh..from the protest was whinin' about the wilderness, they had him on TV and he called Columbus Hitler.

Reuben 'The Cuban': 'Coz its true man.

Hesh Rabkin: You're talkin' outta your ass. Columbus and Hitler? You're trivializing the Holocaust. Frankly, Reuben, if you've got that kind of covert anti-semitism, I'd like you to leave my house.

Reuben 'The Cuban': Anti-semitism?

Hesh Rabkin: That's right.

Reuben 'The Cuban': Fuck you too ma man!

Janice Soprano: How much money did you make today, slut?

Ralph Cifaretto: three hundred.

Janice Soprano: That's all bitch? Oh, I'm gonna put you back on the street ho, make you work that ass.

Ralph Cifaretto: Put me back on the street baby, yeah.

Janice Soprano: Work that ass you little cunt.

Ralph Cifaretto: You work it baby.

Janice Soprano: Mommy's little tramp. Mommy's little Whore. Pimp you out bitch.

The Weight

Johnny Sack: I want you to sanction a hit on Ralph Cifaretto.

Carmine Lupertazzi: What, are you fuckin' kiddin' me?

Johnny Sack: He violated my wife's honor.

Carmine Lupertazzi: Ralph slept with Ginny?

Johnny Sack: He insulted her. He made a very insensitive joke about her body to some friends of ours.

Carmine Lupertazzi: What did he say?

Johnny Sack: I have to repeat it? My word's not good enough?

Carmine Lupertazzi: Not if you want him clipped over it.

Johnny Sack: He said she was havin' a 90 pound mole removed from her ass. The implication was that her ass is so big, she can have a mole that size removed from it.

Carmine Lupertazzi: It's an off-color remark; it was highly inappropriate. You want, I'll demand he's taxed. But clip him? [shakes his head no]

Johnny Sack: Is, is it all just about money?

Carmine Lupertazzi: I'll crack him good. I'll ask for two hundred grand.

Johnny Sack: Two hundred grand for insulting my wife? What's next Carmine, he get to fuck her for a million?!

Carmine Lupertazzi: He wants to fuck her?

Johnny Sack: I'm making a point, I'm talkin' about my wife's honor here, my honor!

Carmine Lupertazzi: We depend on this guy. There are millions of dollars at stake. We can't afford it John.

Johnny Sack: A room full of guys making fun of my wife and you're not gonna let me deal with this?

Carmine Lupertazzi: Not that way. My answer's gotta be no.

Johnny Sack: I want a sit down then with Ralph, fucking thief. Get this Fernandez paving bullshit dealt with.

Tony Soprano: Alright, fine; you tell me who told you about him, we'll bring him in here. He corroborates with what you're saying, I'll give you Ralph on a platter.

Johnny Sack: Is nothing scared? I mean, this is my wife we're talking about here. If this was years ago would I even have had to ask? I mean, what happened to this thing? For God's sake, we bend more rules than the Catholic Church!

Tony Soprano: Alright look, let's assume for the sake of argument Ralph said what you think he said - is clipping him going to un-ring that bell?

Carmine Lupertazzi: Nobody's getting clipped.

Johnny Sack: I want satisfaction.

Silvio Dante: Will you accept an apology?

Johnny Sack: That ship that has sailed.

Carmine Lupertazzi: You're being unreasonable, John!

Johnny Sack: Ralph Cifaretto the only one who can handle the Esplanade? Put Pontecorvo in there.

Carmine Lupertazzi: There's millions of dollars at stake.

Johnny Sack: Again with the money?

Carmine Lupertazzi: Yeah, again with the money. It's settled, John. So either name a price or get the fuck over it.

Carmine Lupertazzi: [on the phone] I took John to dinner last night. Ralph's got a big problem, kid.

Tony Soprano: I thought you squashed it?

Carmine Lupertazzi: I did. Problem is, I don't know if John's hearing me.

Tony Soprano: So, what are you gonna do about it?

Carmine Lupertazzi: Me? Nothing.

Tony Soprano: What does that mean?

Carmine Lupertazzi: I didn't say nothing. We share the Esplanade, Tony. I don't want that apple cart upset.

Tony Soprano: Yeah, then somebody should do something about it.

Carmine Lupertazzi: I appreciate your thoughts.

Tony Soprano: [after a long pause] You saying what I think you're saying?

Carmine Lupertazzi: I didn't say nothing.

[...]

Carmine Lupertazzi: Alright then, I'll talk to you.

Tony Soprano: Twenty years I've been friends with John. Now he's gotta go.

Christopher Moltisanti: All over a stupid joke.

Ralph Cifaretto: I was fuckin' around. Fer chrissakes, you never made a joke about Ginny Sack?

Silvio Dante: Not like that.

Tony Soprano: Of course not!

Ralph Cifaretto: Yeah, well fuck him and his high-fillutin' bullshit. Who does he think he is? Sir Walter Raleigh?

Ralph Cifaretto: You know what that crazy bitch was into?

Eugene Pontecorvo: What?

Vito Spatafore: What?

Ralph Cifaretto: She wanted to stick a dildo up my ass, make believe she was pimpin' me out. I told her get the fuck outta here.

Eugene Pontecorvo: Hehehe... (laughing)

Vito Spatafore: The fuck?! (laughing)

Ralph Cifaretto: Whole family's nuts.

Ralph Cifaretto: (on phone) Yeah. John, it's me.

Johnny Sack: (on phone) And?

Ralph Cifaretto: And I'm calling to tell you how appalled I am. I just got back. I talked to Tony. I love Ginny. I would never say anything like that.

Johnny Sack: That's not what I heard.

Ralph Cifaretto: From who John?

Johnny Sack: I don't betray confidences Ralphie. Denyin' you said it?

Ralph Cifaretto: Fuck yes, I'm denyin' I said it.

Johnny Sack: I don't believe you.

Ralph Cifaretto: Just...just tell me who said this. I'll put a bullet in their fuckin' eye.

Johnny Sack: You're a real weasel you know that?

Ralph Cifaretto: John, please. Look. Last year, when Tony and I had our, our thing, that misunderstanding, you were the voice of reason. You were the one that told me to apologize.

Johnny Sack: Oh, so you're apologizing?

Ralph Cifaretto: If that's what it takes.

Johnny Sack: Why would you apologize? I thought you didn't say it.

Ralph Cifaretto: I didn't say it.

Johnny Sack: You know somethin' Ralph, not only are you a thief, you're a lying fucking prick. I should've let Tony chop your head off a year ago.

Johnny Sack: He's got a bad history Tony. Cute cocksucker could wind up dead.

Tony Soprano: What are you sayin' here?

Johnny Sack: He's a two faced fucking prick.

Tony Soprano: I thought Ralph was your friend.

Johnny Sack: Right. That's rich. Did you hear what my friend said about my wife? Made a crack about Ginny's weight. Something about her havin' a ninety pound mole on her ass.

Tony Soprano: Well that's uh...that's deplorable. Who told you this?

Johnny Sack: What's important was that it was said.

Tony Soprano: Well if he did say it, I didn't hear it. Cause he knows better than to make a remark like that when I'm around.

Pie-O-My

Carmela Soprano: You bought a racehorse?

Tony Soprano: No, I didn't buy it.

Carmela Soprano: It followed you home?

Adriana La Cerva: Let's be honest. What's our future here, Christopher? You...you could end up in jail or something horrible could happen.

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' negative shit. Stop with that.

Adriana La Cerva: Somebody could have it in for you. You wouldn't know.

Christopher Moltisanti: Who?!

Adriana La Cerva: I don't know.

Christopher Moltisanti: What the fuck kind of shit is this? Who told you that?

Adriana La Cerva: Nobody.

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' negative shit coming out of your mouth! I had that fuckin' bird watching me when I got made. I'm already under a what-do-you-call-it, possibly. So stop with that.

Adriana La Cerva: I worry about you, that's all. I love you so much.

Christopher Moltisanti: So if you love me, stir my eggs okay?

Janice Soprano: Bobby...my uncle loves you. He needs you. So you're gonna get up tomorrow morning, and you're gonna get dressed. And you're gonna get in that car and you're gonna do what needs to be done, aren't you?

Bobby Baccilieri: You're Teddy Genaretti, aren't ya? The shop steward for local one eighty four?

Teddy Genaretti: Guilty. You a joint fitter?

Bartender: What can I get you?

Bobby Baccilieri: Wild Turkey neat. I saw your Caravan in the lot. It's a nice car for a family.

Teddy Genaretti: Do I know you?

Bobby Baccilieri: Jim Blake.

Teddy Genaretti: What local you in?

Bobby Baccilieri: Bad back. It's just that I follow these things, you know, this election coming up. Dick Hoffman for president? I heard he's got one eighty four's vote. I think it's a mistake.

Teddy Genaretti: Pension's been ripped off for the last twenty five years.

Bobby Baccilieri: Hey, I'm sure you guys got grievances, but Dick Hoffman? What do you owe this guy? It's all talk. He's out of touch with reality, Dick. You think if push came to shove he'd give a fuck about you?

Teddy Genaretti: I know what you're trying to do.

Bobby Baccilieri: You look like a smart guy. I can see why your local puts their faith in you to do the right thing. I'm just saying, if it was me? I got kids that depend on me, like yourself. And to waste my votes on somebody like Dick Hoffman? I might as well put a bullet in my head, here, here and here. (pointing at his head)

Agent Dwight Harris: Here's what's problematic. You don't even know where your boyfriend is half the time, so how do you know if he's in trouble or not? He's into heroin, organized crime, he's associating with some very dangerous people...not to mention Tony Soprano himself.

Adriana La Cerva: See, that's where you're wrong. Tony would never let anything happen to Christopher. They're cousins, he loves him.

Agent Robyn Sanseverino: He loved Pussy Bonpensiero. What happened to him?

Adriana La Cerva: He went in the Witness Protection program.

Agent Robyn Sanseverino: Dwight? He went into the program? You know anything about that?

Agent Dwight Harris: No.

Agent Robyn Sanseverino: I think we would've heard. And your uncle Richie, I suppose he's in the program, too.

Adriana La Cerva: He is. Isn't he?

Everybody Hurts

Tony Soprano: Did you ever know anybody that uh...ever committed suicide?

Janice Soprano: Plenty. I used to live in Seattle, Tony.

Artie Bucco: The cobwebs are now removed.

Tony Soprano: The fuck are ya talkin' about?!

Artie Bucco: You saw this whole thing, didn't you? You knew exactly what was gonna happen. You can see twenty moves down the road. Please...I don't blame you, I envy you. It's like an instinct, like a hawk sees a little mouse movin' around a corn field from a mile up.

Tony Soprano: You think it's my fault you're fuckin' lyin' in here?

Artie Bucco: It's just that somebody mentions fifty grand, to bankroll a French digestif, and your mind goes through all the permutations at like, internet speed and realizes, "Oh, worst case scenario, I eat for free."

Tony Soprano: You fuckin' suicide. You're disgraceful!

Artie Bucco: I'm sorry.

Tony Soprano: Nah, fuck that!!! Does anybody else know it was me that loaned you the money?

Artie Bucco: Like who?

Tony Soprano: Like who? I don't give a fuck who. Adriana, Father Intintola, my wife...anybody? (Artie nods no) Alright...ya...ya...ya got mugged. Outside o' yer house. It was a street crime. Kids, they took yer wallet and yer watch. Where are they?

Artie Bucco: Why?

Tony Soprano: Come on! (Tony takes Artie's belongings) Why? You don't care what people think. Well, I do. Enough people hate me! You fought back. They ripped yer earrin' outta yer ear, you were bleedin', you went inside yer house, you...you took a bunch o' pills to kill the pain 'cuz you knew you'd have to wait at the emergency room for a couple o' hours.

Artie Bucco: Ton', they pumped my stomach, they saw the almanac.

Tony Soprano: You got fuckin' mugged. Do you understand me? I didn't loan you shit!

Jean-Philippe Colbert: Oh...it's you. Hello. Come in.

Artie Bucco: Jean-Philippe, yer home. Qu'est-ce que c'est, man? Message machine broken?

Jean-Philippe Colbert: l'm sorry, I...l've been wishing to call you...I...

Artie Bucco: Nice crib. You were supposed to give me my money two days ago.

Jean-Philippe Colbert: I know. Credit Lyonnais, they didn't come through with the second round of financing yet. My partners are sick about it.

Artie Bucco: Well, that's not my problem Jean-Philippe, I want my money.

Jean-Philippe Colbert: I just told you. I don't have it.

Artie Bucco: Well, when are you gonna get it?

Jean-Philippe Colbert: I don't know okay. I don't know. Doesn't look too good.

Artie Bucco: Whoah...whoah...whoah...whoah...what does that...what does that mean?!

Jean-Philippe Colbert: I mean, I don't know if its going to happen alright. They...they were not convinced we are a business model. They didn't agree there was as much potential for almanac. The problem has been it seems that people cannot figure out how to market almanac. The hip approach like with Stoli, fails.

Artie Bucco: You said it was the next vodka!!!

Jean-Philippe Colbert: Hey, so we are big boys, we must move on.

Artie Bucco: Frog eatin' fuckin' faggia di cazz'.

Jean-Philippe Colbert: What did you say?

Artie Bucco: I said I want my money!!

Jean-Philippe Colbert: Are you stupid? That money spent. Operating expenses, notaires, travel.

Artie Bucco: No. You have my fifty thousand dollars.

Jean-Philippe Colbert: It's business. It's a risk.

Artie Bucco: I have a daughter who needs braces.

Jean-Philippe Colbert: Listen to me, I don't have it right now.

Artie Bucco: You fuckin' French fuckin' lyin' cocksucka!!! (Artie starts to fight with Jean-Philippe)

Jean-Philippe Colbert: Fuck to your mother! Sale rital... (Jean-Philippe rips off Artie's earring)

Artie Bucco: My earrin'!! You ripped my fuckin' ear!

Jean-Philippe Colbert: Du con.

Artie Bucco: Ow! I want my money.

Jean-Philippe Colbert: Fuck you. If I see you again, I'll kill you. (Jean-Philippe throws Artie out.)

Artie Bucco: (Talking to himself in the mirror) Oh! Jean-Philippe! Yer home. I called ya five times. Qu'est-ce Que C'est?...Message machine broken? Nice crib. Whazzat uh...Berber carpet? Those, uh... fuckin' shoes you wear, what are they, uh... designer? Hmm? You fuckin' avoiding' me mother fucker? Where’s my money? Oh, what are you gonna cry now, Huh? Stand up you frog–eating Faccia de Gatz'. I will fuck you up!

Tony Soprano: So, over the next couple of years, more and more, I'm gonna be givin' my orders through you and then finally...only through you.

Christopher Moltisanti: But what about Sil, you got that with him...and Paulie.

Tony Soprano: Those other guys, Sil...Paulie, there's one thing they're not...they're not my blood. You hear what I'm sayin' to you. It's a matter of trust.

Christopher Moltisanti: It's very wise

Watching Too Much Television

Assemblyman Ronald Zellman: The heart wants what the heart wants I guess.

Tony Soprano: Heart also wants what the dick wants.

Vito Spatafore: What can I get you Paulie?

Paulie Walnuts: After four months inside? How 'bout laid?

Silvio Dante: Oh! It's Papillon. (To Paulie)

Paulie Walnuts: Oh, hello Sil! How are ya?

Christopher Moltisanti: I heard you were gettin' laid up there all the time.

Paulie Walnuts: Come here, you little prick. Hello, Chrissy. (Paulie hugs Chris)

Adriana La Cerva: What if we didn't have kids?

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck that. What's the point of bein' married?

Adriana La Cerva: I mean, what if we can't? If I can't...would you still love me?

Christopher Moltisanti: 'Course I'd still love ya...why?

Adriana La Cerva: There's something you should know. A long time ago, years ago, I had a medical procedure. It was before we met. My uterus got pierced.

Christopher Moltisanti: Both of 'em?

Adriana La Cerva: There's only one. That's ovaries.

Christopher Moltisanti: So, what does that mean, you can't get pregnant?

Adriana La Cerva: Well, my doctor said it might be hard. A friend of mine gave me the name of a specialist in Manhattan.

Christopher Moltisanti: You knew you were damaged goods and you never fuckin' told me!?

Adriana La Cerva: How could you call me that?

Christopher Moltisanti: Jesus fuckin' Christ, how could ya lie to me like that!

Adriana La Cerva: I tried to tell you once. I wanted to. I was afraid that you wouldn't propose.

Christopher Moltisanti: You don't get it, Adriana, I don't have a son, the Moltisanti name ends, that's it!

Adriana La Cerva: We could adopt.

Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, that's great! Some kid with chinky eyes called Moltisanti! He'd get his ass kicked every day!

Adriana La Cerva: You said you'd still love me.

Christopher Moltisanti: That doesn't mean I'll fuckin' marry you!

Assemblyman Ronald Zellman: Tony! What's goin' on? What's up? (Tony removes his belt) Look, why don't you just calm down and...

Tony Soprano: I'm perfectly calm.

Assemblyman Ronald Zellman: Well, we can talk about whatever is botherin' you.

Tony Soprano: Yeah?

Assemblyman Ronald Zellman: Tony, this is crazy... ah, Tony, Tony! (Tony beats Zellman with his belt) Come on...fuck!

Irina Peltsin: Tony, no!

Assemblyman Ronald Zellman: Ow! Tony, ow, Tony! Ow!

Tony Soprano: All the girls in New Jersey, you had ta fuck this one? Go ahead, cry like a bitch.

Mergers and Acquisitions

Ralph Cifaretto: I like my drinks with extra olives. You should know how your regular customers like their drinks.

Adriana La Cerva: My regular customers are the ones who pay.

Janice Soprano: Three thousand dollars.

Tony Soprano: How'd you come up with that figure?

Janice Soprano: It's a number that I thought you'd say yes to.

Tony Soprano: You thought right.

Janice Soprano: So, what have you heard?

Tony Soprano: You pay me three thousand dollars, I'll answer your questions.

Janice Soprano: He bottoms from the top.

Tony Soprano: I don't even know what that means...

Janice Soprano: Means...he has to control things but he pretends he doesn't. Like he'd make me fuck him with a strap on and call him my bitch...shit like that.

Tony Soprano: What about plain old fuckin'?

Janice Soprano: I'm tellin' you, he can't get hard that way, and if he could, I don't think that he'd want to.

Valentina La Paz: Like last night, I just wanted him to fuck me, just so I could get back at you, but all he wanted me to do was drip candle wax on his balls and then he went into the bathroom and jerked himself off...now I don't call that having sex with someone.

Valentina La Paz: Besides, it's good luck.

Ralph Cifaretto: What?

Valentina La Paz: It's good luck to step in horse shit. Ask any horse person.

Lois Pettit: It's true.

Ralph Cifaretto: Then why aren't you people walkin' around all day lookin' for piles o' horse shit to stomp around in?

Lois Pettit: It only works if it's an accident.

Ralph Cifaretto: Fuckin' sick, all o' yous. Fucko, where's the hose?

Paulie Walnuts: I don't understand. When I was a kid, you two were old ladies. Now I'm old, and you two are still old.

Whoever Did This

Ralph Cifaretto: (on phone) Mrs. Marianucci Gaultieri?

Nucci Gaultieri: (on phone) Yes?

Ralph Cifaretto: Hi, this is Detective Mike Hunt, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania police department. You have a son Peter Paul?

Nucci Gaultieri: Oh, my God! What happened?

Ralph Cifaretto: He's alright, ma'am, but I'm afraid he's in a little trouble. We found him in a public men's room in Lafayette Park. I don't know how to put this delicately...he was sucking a cub scout's dick.

Nucci Gaultieri: What? No, it's a mistake.

Ralph Cifaretto: Ma'am, I wish that was all, uh, but I'm afraid we had to have emergency surgery performed upon arrival at headquarters, after discovery of a small rodent in the rectal passage.

Nucci Gaultieri: OH, MY GOD!

Ralph Cifaretto: A gerbil, ma'am. Uh, the county does not cover medical procedures deemed caused by criminal sexual activity. Section four, paragraph fifteen. We'll need an insurance number.

Nucci Gaultieri: Oh, Madonn'! I have Blue Cross, Blue Shield. Is that all right?

Ralph Cifaretto: Ma...Ma'am, c-could you hold on for one second, I have the hospital on the other line. (Ralph hangs up and laughs)

Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ, you did it! You cooked that fuckin' horse alive!!!

Ralph Cifaretto: No, I did not! But so what?!

Tony Soprano: So what?!

Ralph Cifaretto: It was a fuckin' animal! A hundred grand a piece. My kid's in the fuckin' hospital! I don't hear you complainin' when I bring you a nice fat envelope. You don't give a shit where that comes from! Don't give me that look. It was a fuckin' horse! What are you, a vegetarian? You eat beef and sausage by the fuckin' carload.

Ralph Cifaretto: Hadda be Paulie told Johnny...

Eugene Pontecorvo: You think so?

Ralph Cifaretto: He hates my success...thinkin' about that birthday dinner...who was there when I told the Ginny Sack joke?

Vito Spatafore: Not Paulie. I remember Albert sayin' he didn't get a gift.

Ralph Cifaretto: It was little Paulie, the witless fuckin' nephew. He told Paulie, Paulie tells Johnny. Fuckin' telephone game like high-school girls! Wanna play phone games? That party was the only time I ever mentioned Shamu's fat ass.

Christopher Moltisanti: (shocked at Ralph's wig) Ahhh! Holy shit! I had no idea. Did you?

Tony Soprano: 'Course I did. You're so high on scag, you wouldn't know if he had your mother's muff on his head.

Christopher Moltisanti: (about Ralph) That poor fuckin' guy...

Paulie Walnuts: Fuck him and his alligator tears.

Tony Soprano: Paulie, his kid's in the hospital. A little fuckin' sympathy, huh?

Paulie Walnuts: That gives him a pass? I don't care if he's got a hundred kids in the ICU with arrows in their heads...he's a piece o' shit. You know it, and I know it.

The Strong, Silent Type

Christopher Moltisanti: I'm sorry T-

Tony Soprano: Shut the fuck up and listen ta me. You're my nephew Christopher and I love you, and that's the only reason you're alive right now. If it were anybody else, anybody, they woulda had their fuckin' intervention right through the back o' their head.

[Christopher awakes from his slumber, greeted by an intervention]

Christopher Moltisanti: What the fuck? What's goin' on?

Tony Soprano: Have a seat.

Dominic Palladino: Christopher, hey. I'm Dominic. I know you don't know me, but uh...

Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, you're the guy who... uh broke into Stew Leonard's that time, you stole all those pork loins.

Dominic Palladino: Yeah, but that's not why I'm here today. Christopher, we're here to talk about your drug problem.

Christopher Moltisanti: What?! Jesus Christ, you fuckin' kiddin' me?!

Adriana La Cerva: Sorry, baby, please.

Christopher Moltisanti: No, fuck this shit.

Paulie Walnuts: You been told once... now sit down.

Tony Soprano: Sit down.

Christopher Moltisanti: Ma? Jesus!

[Christopher reluctantly sits down]

Dominic Palladino: Christopher, this won't be easy for any of us, but I want you to know that we're here today because we care about you.

Christopher Moltisanti: [to Adrianna] What was this, your idea?

Dominic Palladino: All we ask is that you listen. Adriana, you wanna begin?

Adriana La Cerva: [reading from a sheet of paper] "Christopher, I love you very much, my only dream is that we have a happy life together. The last few months things have got very bad with us because of your using drugs all the time. You're high all the time and I can't take it."

Dominic Palladino: Be specific, hon'.

Adriana La Cerva: "When we first started goin' out, we made love all the time, now because of the drugs-"

Christopher Moltisanti: Jesus, is this fuckin' necessary?

Dominic Palladino: Go ahead Adriana.

Adriana La Cerva: "You can no longer function as a man. Last week when I came home to learn that you had killed our dog, that was the final straw."

Tony Soprano: Whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah... you killed the dog? What'd you do that for?

Christopher Moltisanti: It was an accident.

Paulie Walnuts: What was it, barkin'?

Adriana La Cerva: [breaking down into tears] He sat on it while he was high!

Tony Soprano: Ah, Jesus Christ!

Christopher Moltisanti: I fell asleep... she got suffocated or somethin'.

Dominic Palladino: Are you done Adriana? Alright. Silvio.

Tony Soprano: You killed little Cosette! I oughta suffocate you, you little prick!

Dominic Palladino: Tony, we're going in order, Silvio.

Silvio Dante: [reading from a sheet of paper] "When I came in to open up one morning, there you were with your head half in the toilet. Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting."

Christopher Moltisanti: I told you I had the flu!

Silvio Dante: I said my piece, Chrissy.

Christopher Moltisanti: Great, I can't even defend myself now?

Dominic Palladino: No one's attacking you Chris.

Tony Soprano: Look, it doesn't change anything! But I can verify that he was sick for a little while. Still, this thing with the dog. How could you not see it on a chair?!

Dominic Palladino: You're getting emotional, Tony.

Tony Soprano: That's 'cuz I know what it's like to lose a pet!

Carmela Soprano: I happen to know that you were high at my mother in law's wake. You were talking nonstop for twenty minutes, nothing but gibberish.

Tony Soprano: My mother's wake. Jesus Christ...

Dominic Palladino: Paul. You wanna read your statement?

Paulie Walnuts: I don't write nuthin' down, so I'll keep this short and sweet. You're weak, you're outta control, and you've become an embarrassment to yerself and everybody else.

Christopher Moltisanti: Ho ho! Listen ta you!

Dominic Palladino: Guys, guys! Whoah, whoah, whoah...we said "non-judgmental".

Paulie Walnuts: Fuck that. Let 'im take his medicine.

Christopher Moltisanti: Seriously Paulie, you wanna talk about fuckin' up?

Paulie Walnuts: Watch it, Chrissy!

Christopher Moltisanti: Wha? I thought we're bein' honest here! You got some balls you know that? All o' you. You wanna talk about self control. How 'bout you Sil? Fuckin' every slut you got workin' in the place when you got a wife and kids at home?

Dominic Palladino: Guys, guys! Whoah, whoah!

Adriana La Cerva: Christopher!

Christopher Moltisanti: Or you Paulie? Yeah, remember last winter in the woods with the Russian guy...

Tony Soprano: Christopher, I am fuckin' warnin' you!

Christopher Moltisanti: There he goes, Mr. Type "A" Personality!

Tony Soprano: We are here to talk about you killing yourself with drugs, not my fuckin' personality!

Dominic Palladino: That's right...

Christopher Moltisanti: I'm gonna kill myself?! The way you fuckin' eat, you're gonna have a heart attack by the time yer fifty!

[Paulie gets up and grabs Chris by the shirt]

Dominic Palladino: Paulie, sit down...

Paulie Walnuts: You're talkin' to the boss here!

Joanne Moltisanti: Good, maybe someone will smack some goddamn sense into 'im!

Christopher Moltisanti: Great, my own mother. Fuck you, ya fuckin' whore!

[Paulie punches Chris in the face slamming him into the ground and Silvio and Benny beat up on Christopher while he is on the floor]

Uncle Junior: Me with the competency hearings, you with the head shrinkers, this one in rehab now.

Drug Dealer: Whaddya want around here?

Christopher Moltisanti: Can you do an eighth of scag?

Drug Dealer: Five hundred.

Christopher Moltisanti: Alright, wrap it up.

Drug Dealer: (pulls his gun out) The fuck out the car bitch!

Christopher Moltisanti: Motherfucka! You know who I am?

Thug: Who the fuck is this?

Christopher Moltisanti: Do you know who the fuck I'm with?

Drug Dealer: You ain't no fuckin' cop, that's fer sure.

Thug: Ha ha. (One thug pulls Chris's gun away from him and another thug jacks Chris's car)

Drug Dealer: Fuck you gonna do with that bitch?

Christopher Moltisanti: Stick it up your mother's twat!

Adriana La Cerva: Where's the dog? Oh my God. Cosette?

Christopher Moltisanti: What?

Adriana La Cerva: Christopher, she's not breathing...her neck feels broken.

Christopher Moltisanti: The fuck?

Adriana La Cerva: Oh my God! She's dead.

Christopher Moltisanti: I fell asleep.

Adriana La Cerva: What?

Christopher Moltisanti: She musta crawled under there fer warmth.

Adriana La Cerva: Are you fuckin' crazy? You fuckin' killed her.

Christopher Moltisanti: I didn't kill her. I musta sat on her.

Adriana La Cerva: Oh Jesus, Oh my poor baby.

Christopher Moltisanti: I'm sorry, it was an accident fer chrissake. How long I've been sayin' she shouldn't be on the furniture.

Adriana La Cerva: It's 'cuz you were fuckin' high Christopher. You and your fuckin' smack fuck lifestyle.

Christopher Moltisanti: I'll get you another dog.

Adriana La Cerva: I don't want another dog.

Calling All Cars

Bobby Baccilieri: Got home tonight, kids were kind o' quiet. Then bedtime, all hell broke loose, cryin', wouldn't be left alone! Sophia especially. They've been playin' with that goddamn Ouija board again.

Janice Soprano: Oh no.

Bobby Baccilieri: They've been tryin' to contact Karen. What?

Janice Soprano: I don't know what to say Bobby. I came over this afternoon with some pound cake.

Bobby Baccilieri: I saw it.

Janice Soprano: I heard them in his room with that Ouija board...I thought...this is not good. But then after the other night, I didn't wanna overstep my bounds.

Bobby Baccilieri: It's my fault.

Janice Soprano: Hey, you're under a lot of stress. You're a single dad.

Bobby Baccilieri: No, you were right...it's bad for them, it's unwholesome.

Janice Soprano: You want me to go up?

Bobby Baccilieri: I think they're asleep. Finally. I had to read to Sophia for like, an hour. She couldn't even handle a "Nancy Drew." It was too mysterious.

Carmela Soprano: You know how much little Bobby likes you.

Anthony Junior: What am I, daycare?

Janice Soprano: You went to the cemetery today, didn't you?

Bobby Baccilieri: How do you know?

Janice Soprano: 'Cuz you got cemetery mud on your shoes.

Bobby Baccilieri: Mud? What are you, Marge Higenbrinder now? What do you know about the mud? You been spyin' on me? What, I can't go to the cemetery? I gotta get permission from you?

Tony Soprano: The old guys were different. Men in the front. Wives in the back.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You like that arrangement.

Tony Soprano: Actually, I think the wives should ride in a little cart, behind the car...like in the cartoons. Like behind Noah's ark, there's a little boat with the skunks.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So wives are skunks?

Tony Soprano: Ah, Jesus fuckin' Christ! It's a fuckin' joke. Does it have to be like a cancer hospital in here?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But Carmela is in control in the dream...

Tony Soprano: Why, cuz she's drivin'?

Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ! The money I've been droppin' in here, I could've bought a fuckin' Ferrari. At least I would've got a blowjob outta that.

Eloise

Minn Matrone: I've been driving since I was a young girl.

Paulie Walnuts: Horse and buggies don't count.

Silvio Dante: You have any idea what Albert kicked up last week?

Paulie Walnuts: Fuck that fuckin' parakeet. I got a relationship with Tony Albert'll never have. No matter how far he sticks his tongue up Tony's ass.

Paulie Walnuts: It's your fault anyway. All this shit started with that Russian prick when I had to go pick up your five grand.

Silvio Dante: You know things might be a little different, Paulie, if you'd accept some responsibility for a change.

Paulie Walnuts: You're a wormy cocksucker, you know that?

Silvio Dante: Ohhhh! I'm just tellin' you how you're bein' fuckin' perceived!

Paulie Walnuts: Just worry about how you're fuckin' perceived! Nobody knows what the future holds, my friend.

Carmela Soprano: You always leave your door open like that?

Meadow Soprano: I'm cooking, it's hot.

Finn DeTrolio: I'll protect her, don't worry.

Tony Soprano: Ya hear that? Anybody bothers her he'll knock their teeth out, then he can put 'em back in, too.

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen, Corrado Soprano is not some harmless old man being persecuted by the government, but a ruthless and calculating mob boss who controls a vast criminal enterprise. Over the past few months, you've heard from FBI agents who have documented clandestine meetings at his doctor's offices. Tales of bid rigging, sweetheart deals, secret payoffs, and even murder. No, Corrado Soprano is not some harmless old man, but a killer who orders up murder like you and I order up coffee.

Whitecaps

Irina Peltsin: (on phone) Is this Mrs. Sopranos?

Carmela Soprano: (on phone) Yes it is.

Irina Peltsin: I used to fuck your husband.

Carmela Soprano: You call my house again. You ever speak to one of my children again, I will track you down and I will kill you. We have got guns here. I mean it.

Carmela Soprano: Let go of me, your son will be home. You want him to see his father like this.

Tony Soprano: Yeah, you'd love that wouldn't you? I'm not leaving here Carmela.

Carmela Soprano: I don't love you anymore. I don't want you. You are not sleeping in my bed Tony. The thought of it now makes me sick.

Christopher Moltisanti: Like we said, you're gonna keep this quiet.

Credenzo Curtis: I got the mouth on the statue nigga.

Stanley Johnson: Word.

Carmela Soprano: Can I tell ya somethin' Tony?

Tony Soprano: Don't pretend like I got a choice.

Carmela Soprano: The last year, I have been dreaming and fantasizing and in love with Furio.

Tony Soprano: (laughing) he..ha...what?

Carmela Soprano: Every morning when he'd come to pick you up, I would look forward to it all night long in bed, next to you. Those nights when you were actually in the bed. And he would ring the doorbell, I felt like my heart would come out of my chest. He would smile, and we'd talk, and then you would come down the stairs. And I felt probably like someone who was terminally ill and somehow they managed to forget it for a minute. And then it all comes back!