Three Men and a Baby
It was followed by the 1990 sequel, Three Men and a Little Lady.
- Michael: How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?
- Peter: Beats the shit out of me.
- Michael: She did a doodle; your turn to change her.
- Peter: I'll give you a $1,000.00 if you'll do it.
- Jack: Angelyne! Whew! Boy, you look different. What happened?
- Angelyne: I'm dressed.
- Rebecca: Jack has a baby?
- Peter: I realize such a concept tends to negate our belief in a benevolent God, but yes.
- Mrs. Hathaway: I love kids. Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count.
- Michael: Some guys have all the luck.
- Peter: All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.
- Michael: I don't know what babies eat.
- Peter: Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes. What did we eat?
- Michael: I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good. I can't remember!
[Peter has gone to the store for baby supplies, leaving Michael to take care of a wailing Mary by himself]
- Michael (singing): Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye!
- Peter: Feel her teeth.
- Michael: What?
- Peter: The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.
- Michael: I'm not going to feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!
[Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth]
- Peter: I can't feel anything.
- Michael: What does that mean?
- Peter: It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!
- Michael: Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?
- Peter: I'm an architect for Christ sake, I build 50 story skyscrapers, I assemble cities of the future, I can certainly put together a goddamn diaper.
- Michael: Whoa, these diapers are way too big!
- Peter: They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better if you ask me.
- Peter: Where'd you put the baby powder?
- Michael: Down the hall, I'll get it.
- Peter: What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.
- Michael: It's just down the hall!
- Peter: Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?
- Michael: Well, maybe we should START, goddamn it!
[slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere]
- Peter: You're going to clean that up.
- Tom Selleck as Peter Mitchell
- Steve Guttenberg as Michael Kellam
- Ted Danson as Jack Holden
- Margaret Colin as Rebecca
- Celeste Holm as Mrs. Holden
- Nancy Travis as Sylvia Bennington
- Alexandra Amini as Patty
- Francine Beers as Woman at Gift Shop
- Lisa and Michelle Blair as Mary Bennington
- Philip Bosco as Det. Sgt. Melkowitz
- Barbara Budd as Actress
- Michael Burgess as Man at Party
- Claire Cellucci as Angelyne
- Eugene Clark as Man #1 at Party
- Derek de Lint as Jan Clopatz
- Jacob Strackeljahn as Juan Pablo Jr.
- Jeff Kingsley as Dr. Octavius Agustus Steelex
- Dave Foley as Grocery Store Clerk