[First lines] In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy manages to save the day at the last moment with crosses and holy water. But everyone knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it began with Blade, and it ended with Blade. The rest of us were just along for the ride.
I picked Danica up in a bar, spent the next five years playing hide-and-go-suck as her little vampire cabana boy. Eventually Abigail found me, Sommerfield managed to treat me with a cure, and now I kill them. And that's basically turning a frown upside down.
[After watching Blade casually kill a familiar] You know, one of these days, you might want to consider sitting down with someone. You know, have a little share time? Get in touch with your inner child? Also – just a thought – but you just might want to consider blinking once in a while. [Blade stops and slowly turns to look at Hannibal] Sorry. I, uh … I ate a lot of sugar today.
So, can we just go right ahead and sign you up for one of our secret Nightstalker decoder rings?
[Walking down hallway and coming across vampire pomeranian] Fuck me. [two vampire rottweilers show up] Fuck me sideways!
[Danica lies dying of the Daystar Virus] Hang in there kitten, I'll get help.
No, it's not, you horse-humping thunder-cunt!
[Last lines, original ending] And Blade? The virus didn't kill him. Because he was a hybrid, his heart never stopped beating. It simply slowed down. And so, he slept, waiting for the moment when he can walk the Earth again.
[Last lines] Blade was still out there somewhere, doing what he did best. He was a weapon. His life was a war. And everybody knows the war never ends.
There is an old saying: kill one man, you're a murderer. Kill a million, a king. Kill them all, a god.
Blade. Ready to die?
"Motherfucker." I like that.
[To Blade in his true form] Are you ready to die, "motherfucker"?
[Last words] Funny, isn't it? My people were trying to create a new kind of vampire, when one already exists. I don't need to survive. The future of our race rests with you. You fought with honor. I respect that. So, allow me a parting gift. But know this: sooner, or later, the thirst always wins.
Dr. Edgar Vance: How about the president? You know who that is. Who's in the White House right now?
Blade: An asshole.
Hannibal King: Welcome to the honeycomb hideout.
Blade: How do you bankroll this operation?
Hannibal King: I date a lot of older men.
Hannibal King: We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.
Blade: Sounds like rejects from a Saturday morning cartoon.
Hannibal King: Well, we were originally going to go with the Care Bears, but, uh … that was taken.
Hannibal King: Hey Blade, I got a question for you. Let's say we succeed in wiping out all the vampires. What then, huh? Ever ask yourself that? I mean, somehow I don't picture you teaching karat-ay at the local Y.
[Blade walks away]
Hannibal King: He hates me, doesn't he?
Abigail Whistler: Yeah.
Dracula:[Holding a baby over the edge of a tall building] Careful, Daywalker. They've told me so much about you.
Blade: Why'd you kill Vance?
Dracula: He'd outlived his purpose. He died a good death. Quick. Clean.
Blade: I wouldn't know.
Dracula: You will.
Blade: How are you able to survive in sunlight?
Dracula: Haven't you read Stoker's fable? I was the very first vampire. I am unique.
Dracula: Look at them. Scurrying around like insects. They don't know what it's like to be immortal, or living by the sword.
Blade: You're not immortal. I must have heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.
Dracula: Perhaps I will too, then, but I think it is more likely the next time we meet, you'll fall before mine.
Hannibal King: Did you see that guy? We're gonna lose, man! [Abigail takes the stake from his shoulder] God! We're going to fucking lose! What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Abigail: Shut up, King.
Hannibal King: "See you in 28 days." [laughs, Abigail holds out a vial] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?
Abigail Whistler: It's an elastic protein. It's going to stop the hemmoraging.
Hannibal King: Is it going to hurt?
Abigail Whistler: … Yeah, it's going to sting a little.
[Abigail sprays a thick, white substance onto the wound]
Hannibal King:Fuck me![screams]
[Blade has just killed the vampire meeting Chief Vreede after she refuses to open a warehouse door]
Blade: Now, what's behind Door Number One?
Chief Martin Vreede: I can't tell you. They-they'll kill me.
Blade: Kill you?! Motherfucker, I'll kill you! [grabs Vreede by his jacket collar] I'll just enjoy it better.
[A Pomeranian is licking King's ear]
Hannibal King: Back off, pooch.
[The dog exposes its Reaper-like jaws and tongue]
Hannibal King:[stands] Jesus Christ! What the fuck?!
Asher Talos:[picks up the dog] Good dog.
Hannibal King:What the fuck?!
Asher Talos: His name's Pac-Man. We've been porting the vampire gene into other species. Experimenting.
Hannibal King: You made a goddamn vampire … Pomeranian?
Asher Talos: Yeah. [hands Pac-Man to Jarko Grimwood]
Jarko Grimwood: Precious, isn't he?
Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask, because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuckface?! [kicks King]
Hannibal King: Ow! I was talking … to her![points to Danica Talos]
Danica Talos: Poor King. You look so … distraught![kicks him] Asher, hand me that chair. [sits in the chair and licks one of King's wounds] You're tasting a little bland, lover. Are you getting enough fatty acids in your diet? Have you tried … Lake Trout? Mackerel?
Hannibal King: How about you take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of my dick?
Danica Talos: And how about everyone not saying the word "dick" anymore? It provokes my envy. Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's planning?
Hannibal King: I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is … ridiculous. And two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. [whispers] Silent but deadly.
Jarko Grimwood:[grabs King] Spit it out, you fucking fruitcake!
Hannibal King: All right! Fuck! I'll tell you about the weapon! [Grimwood releases him] It's a new flavor-crystal formula. Twice the chocolaty goodness, half the calories, plus it helps prevent tooth decay; there, I said it.
Dracula: Do you know who I am?
Zoe: You're the Gnome King.
Dracula: Ah. The Gnome King. How sweet. Tell me, child, do you want to die?
Zoe: I'm not afraid. I'll go to heaven.
Dracula: There is no heaven. No God, no angels. The only thing in your future is nothingness. But what if you could change that? What if you could remain a child forever? Wouldn't you like that? Wouldn't you accept that gift?
Zoe: My friends are coming to kill you.
Hannibal King: You're gonna be sorry you did that.
Asher Talos: Why? [kicks him] No one's coming for you, King Shit.
Hannibal King: Sure they are. See, when you join our club, you get all these groovy little door prizes. And one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body. That way, if one of us goes missing, the others check the satelite, which is in space, and presto: instant cavalry. [Asher starts mockingly clapping] You like that, huh? Go fuck your sister.
Jarko Grimwood: Yeah. [hits King in the back of the head]
Danica Talos: Okay, King. Where's this little "tracking node" of yours?
Hannibal King: It's in my left ass cheek. [Danica slaps him] Fine. It's in my right ass cheek. [Danica slaps him] Okay, seriously, now: it's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo. [Danica kicks him in the groin] Seriously, just pull down my tightie-whities and see for yourself …
Danica Talos: Enough! It's not funny anymore.
Hannibal King: No, it's not, you horse-humping bitch! But it will be a few seconds from now. See that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now? It's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning systems, you cock-juggling thundercunt![Jarko Grimwood coughs a fire ball] Which means the fat lady … should be singing … right … about … now![nothing happens] Huh, this is awkward. [still nothing] Do you have a cell phone?
[King laughs after causing Pac-Man and two rotweiler vampire dogs to fall to their deaths in the loby. Falls through broken skylight. Sees Jarko standing above him]
Jarko Grimmwood: Hey, dickface. You seen my dog?
Hannibal King: Have you tried the lobby? [Grimmwood grabs him by the throat] Thank you. [Grimmwood throws him against a wall] Fuck …
Jarko Grimmwood: Come on, King.
Hannibal King: … this.
Dracula: Blade. Ready to die?
Blade: [Unsheathes his sword] Was born ready, motherfucker.
Dracula: "Motherfucker". I like that.
Asher Talos: We got caught with our pants down
Jarko Grimmwood: Pants down? They pretty much fucking ass-raped us!
[Alternate ending; all of the vampires are extinct, with the Nightstalkers residing in a casino.]
Hannibal King: Hey, Atrium. Nice hat.
Atrium: King, what the hell are you doing here?
Hannibal King: Uh, just a little sport hunting.
Atrium: Ain't no more vampires left, King. So, who do you want to hunt?
Hannibal King: Well, that is a great question, my friend. And I got one for you. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a werewolf? You get a fur coat... that sticks to your neck.
Abigail Whistler: Found him. [A werewolf emerges from the crowd]