- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Human Flesh [1.01]
- 1.2 Crawl Space [1.02]
- 1.3 Sacred Cow [1.03]
- 1.4 Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]
- 1.5 Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]
- 1.6 Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]
- 1.7 Bed & Breakfast [1.07]
- 1.8 Art Crawl [1.08]
- 1.9 Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]
- 1.10 Burger Wars [1.10]
- 1.11 Weekend at Mort's [1.11]
- 1.12 Lobsterfest [1.12]
- 1.13 Torpedo [1.13]
- 2 Season 2
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 Ear-sy Rider [3.01]
- 3.2 Full Bars [3.02]
- 3.3 Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]
- 3.4 Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]
- 3.5 An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal [3.05]
- 3.6 The Deepening [3.06]
- 3.7 Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks [3.07]
- 3.8 The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene [3.08]
- 3.9 God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins [3.09]
- 3.10 Mother Daughter Laser Razor [3.10]
- 3.11 Boyz 4 Now [3.21]
- 3.12 Carpe Museum [3.22]
- 3.13 The Unnatural [3.23]
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 A River Runs Through Bob [4.01]
- 4.2 Fort Night [4.02]
- 4.3 Seaplane! [4.03]
- 4.4 My Big Fat Greek Bob [4.04]
- 4.5 Turkey In A Can [4.05]
- 4.6 Purple Rain-union [4.06]
- 4.7 Bob And Deliver [4.07]
- 4.8 Christmas In The Car [4.08]
- 4.9 Slumber Party [4.09]
- 4.10 Presto, Tina-o [4.10]
- 4.11 Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial [4.11]
- 5 Season 5
- 6 Season 6
- 7 Cast
- 8 External links
Human Flesh [1.01]
- Bob: Tina, you're on the grill.
- Tina: My crotch is itchy.
- Gene & Louise: Eww.
- Bob: Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?
- Tina: Umm... As...
- Bob: Because my grill cook would never tell me that.
- Tina: [Downcast] Oh.
- Bob: Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.
- Tina: [Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.
- Louise: Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "Child Molester"—it comes with candy. Get it?
- Hugo: [clicks teeth] Yes.
- Ron: No.
- Louise: Because sometimes they use candy to lure their victims...
- Hugo: YES! WE GET IT!
- Ron: Ohhhhh... hmmmm...
Crawl Space [1.02]
- Linda: No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.
- Louise: I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.
- Gene: My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition, so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.
Sacred Cow [1.03]
- Randy: Do you think cows should be ground up for food?
- Louise: Personally I don't really care but my father, he loves grinding them up; it gives him a rush. Daddy's a bad, bad man.
- Tina: Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true.
Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]
- Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today?
- Bob: No, Louise, I'm not.
- Louise: OK, got it. [slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!
- Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card?
- Louise: Into a ninja star!
Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]
- Louise: [rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
- Tina: Are you talking to me?
- Louise: [angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable!
- Tina: Um, I'm sorry... uhhhhhhh...
- Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.
- [Tina moves to hug Louise]
- Louise: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!
- Tina: Uhhh...
- Louise: Shush, shush. I'm sorry baby. Shush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!
- Tina: Uuhh...
- Louise: YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?
- Tina: Uuhh...
- Louise: Sorry, baby, come here...
Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]
- Linda: She deserves a special party this year.
- Louise: If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.
- Gene: It's true.
- Bob: Wait, you read her diary?
- Linda: Yeah.
- Louise: What I can stomach.
- Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.
- Bob: Wha... what does it say?
- Linda: It says "I'm not on drugs".
Bed & Breakfast [1.07]
- Teddy: I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.
- Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...
- Louise: [as Linda drags her away] I'll see you in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!
Art Crawl [1.08]
- [Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]
- Bob: Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.
- Linda: It's just a few days, Bobby.
- Bob: Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!
- Linda: Just think of them as cute little rumps.
- Bob: Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!
- Bob: Hey, kids.
- Louise: Um, hey, Dad.
- Bob: I had to get away from those anuses for a while.
- Tina: You mean Mort and Teddy?
- Bob: Um, no. Gail's paintings.
- [Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]
- Harold: YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE, BOB!
- Gene: Is Dad going to jail?
- Tina: I'll wave at you every day.
- Louise: Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.
- Gene: I hope our new dad is blonde.
- Louise: I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.
- Gene: I remember the ice cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!
- Louise: And Tina, bad breath every day.
- Tina: Not if you like fish.
Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]
- Louise: Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.
- Tina: When you say that, I feel like you're trying to hurt my feelings.
- Louise: Oh my god! Why do you talk so SLOW!
- Tina: When you say that, I feel—
- Louise: Tina, this is really, really boring.
- Tina: Okay, well, when you say that...
- Linda: Okay my little cow pokes, time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.
- Louise: Mom! How could you!
- Linda: How could I what?
- Louise: How could you encourage this?
- Linda: Oh Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here, and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.
- [cuts to:]
- Gene: Tambourine solo!
- Bob: [weakly rattles tambourine] Yeesh.
- [cuts to:]
- Bob: Alright, this is how you throw a spiral. Here comes the bullet. Ugh! Stupid ball! It's 'cause there's no laces.
- Gene: I'm hungry.
- Bob: Alright, we're done. Go inside.
- Gene: I WANT PEANUT BUTTER!
- Bob: It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.
- Gene: YEAH!
- Louise: Oh that's... That's adorable. I'm going to school.
- Bob: Good.
- Gene: Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.
- Mr. Frond: Ok, ABS. The conflict resolution program sweeping our school. You all know my system. And at the spaghetti dinner so will your parents or legal guardians. Um, Becky. 'Cause your mom's in jail. Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy Junior, let's rehearse! Becky, you just watch. Tina here just found out that her best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy Junior here that Tina is whack. And... acting.
- Jimmy Jr: Tina, Jocelyn told me that you're whack.
- Tina: Jocelyn, you skank! I hate you.
- Jocelyn: Whatever. It's true, you are whack.
- [They weakly fight]
- Mr. Frond: And freeze! Wow, that resolved nothing. Let's rewind, shall we?
- [Tina and Jocelyn pretend they are being rewound]
- Mr. Frond: Let's work out our ABS. A: Access your feelings.
- Tina: When you gossiped about me to Jimmy Junior, it hurt my feelings.
- Mr. Frond: B: Be apologetic.
- Jocelyn: Sorry.
- Mr. Frond: S: slap it! [slaps own butt]
- [Tina and Jocelyn high-five]
- Mr. Fond: Well done. Do it just like that at the dinner.
- [school bell rings]
- Mr. Frond: Oh. Enjoy your lunch, everyone!
- Tina: [to Jocelyn] If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy Junior outside of the conflict resolution skit, I'll punch you in the face.
- Jocelyn: It was just a skit, Tina.
- Tina: I will punch you. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again—
- Jocelyn: What a psycho.
- Tina: —And again, and again, and again, and again— [door slams]
Burger Wars [1.10]
- Linda: When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.
- Jimmy Pesto: You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
- Bob: [furious] What did you say about my kids?
- Linda: Hit him in his handsome groin!
- Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!
- Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.
Weekend at Mort's [1.11]
- Hugo: This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.
- Bob: Great. There goes our weekend revenue.
- Linda: Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!
- Bob: I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...
- Linda: Yeah. Ten years!
- Bob: What? That can't be right.
- Linda: Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.
- Hugo: [sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!
- Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.
- Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.
- Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. Watched the hockey game at a lesbian bar, Bob. It was like I was invisible.
- Gene: Let's release the lobster from whence it came! The supermarket!
- Tina: I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went.
- Bob: Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.
- Linda: Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!
- Bob: Gene, are you kidding me! You work there everyday, you live above the place!
- Gene: Well I call you "Dad!" So I call it "Dad's Burgers!"
The Belchies [2.01]
- Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.
- Bob: Your uncle Paddy... was a maid?
- Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
- Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!
- Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".
- Bob: Ha, "duderuses."
- Gene: I just can't stop banging things down here, the acoustics are great. Tina what song is this? [bangs brick on wall]
- Tina: "Aqua Boogie," by P-funk?
- Gene: Yes! Wow.
Bob Day Afternoon [2.02]
- Louise: Action!
- Bob: [practicing] As you know, sir, we have several loans with your institution, all "past due." But what does "past due" even mean, you know?
- Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!
- Linda: Gene was past due, and he came out fine.
- Gene: I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table]
- Linda: Hey! Get outta there!
- Gene: LEMME IN!
- Linda: Gene! Bob!
- Bob: Oh God.
- Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.
- Louise: Sorry, Gene, no backsies.
- Tina: I will punch you.
- Investigator: I will punch YOU!
- Louise: Ooh! He will!
Synchronized Swimming [2.03]
- Linda: I dreamed that I was breastfeeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.
- Gene: [suddenly perks up] That could be our next Christmas card.
- Coach: You know the rules, Louise: no hats in the gym.
- Louise: And I told you I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?
- Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.
- Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?
- [Gene tries to open the door but can't]
- Tina: Here, let me try.
- [Tina opens the door easily]
- Gene: Wow. I need to exercise.
- Bob: Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?
- Louise: What's a Caddyshack?
- Bob: The movie, Caddyshack.
- Louise: I don't know it.
- Bob: Wait, so, you you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?
- Louise: No.
- Bob: Wow
- Louise: Yeah.
- Bob: That's impressive.
- Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?
- Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.
- Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.
- Linda: You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.
- Bob: Yeah.
- Linda: You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.
- Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.
- [in flashback]
- Linda: [singing] If you're not real, then how come I feel this way, lil' babies!
- Gene: [referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.
Food Truckin' [2.05]
- Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!
- Tina: Werner Herzog?
Dr. Yap [2.06]
- Linda: You're a hurtful slut, Bob!
- Prince of Persuasia: [listing tips for attracting women] Dress like her dad. It releases a hormone called moan-atonin.
- When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and then make a big deal about it.
- Push her in a lake.
- Be one of the tallest guys in the bar and brag about how long your butt-crack is.
- Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.
- Use the word "idiot."
- Never make her pancakes. Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.
Moody Foodie [2.07]
- [At the Farmer's Market]
- Gene: Dad, don't forget to get more monkey brains!
- Louise: Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.
- Tina: That's where dreams are born.
- Louise: That's gotta be the food critic!
- Bob: A Civil War reenactor?
- Linda: Ugh, I can't stand all that drab grey. No wonder they lost!
- Tina: Time for the charm bomb to explode.
- Gene: It's him! It's the Moody Foodie!
- Bob: Gene, that's Mike the mailman. You've seen him every day for the last five years.
- Gene: It's the long con!
- Tina: [pointing at Gene] It's him!
- Bob: Tina, that's Gene.
- Tina: Long con!
Bad Tina [2.08]
- Tina: [to Linda] Don't have a crap attack!
- Louise: Tina's a lost cause, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter - Gene!
- Gene: I'm pretty!
- Tammy: I did a booze cruise through your living room!
- Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!
- Ollie: Oooh, share!
- Tammy: [pointing at Tina] You're a freak! [kids laugh, Tammy farts]
- Louise: TAMMY FARTED!
- Gene: Oh my God, my ears can smell it! [backs away pointing at Tammy] Laugh-fart, laugh-fart!
- [Kids point and laugh]
- Zeke: Tammy made a blammy! Ha ha ha, gross!
- Tammy: No, it— I didn't do it, it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow! That one hurt.
- Linda: Bob, Gene, look at yourselves; you're father and son! You're supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible!
Ear-sy Rider [3.01]
- Tina: You don't want to mess with my sister. She'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.
- Dr. Bush: What's your name?
- Mudflap: Mudflap.
- Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
- Mudflap: Really?
- Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.
- Mrs. Bush: I don't know how Mudflap is doing this without and epidural. If I hadn't had one with Logan...
- Linda: Tell me about it! [Pointing at Tina and Louise] Those two: piece of cake. [Pointing at Gene] That one: the whole cake.
Full Bars [3.02]
- Gene: Where are we?
- Louise: I think it's a country club.
- Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
- Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!
- Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
- Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
- Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
- Gene: Yes more egg talk!
- Ticket seller: Ahh!
- Gene: Eggs!
- Louise: Tina, come on.
- Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
- [pained screaming is heard in the distance]
- Gene: Do they, though?
- Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
- Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts!
- Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
- Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
- Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
- Tina: That's fair.
- [Louise slaps Gene across the face]
Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]
- Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.
- [Refrigerator groans]
- Bob: Tina?
- Gene: We all said things we didn't mean. You said, "You're fired." You did not mean that. It sounded very insincere as I remember, and I was like, "Noooo."
- Gene: We're working girls now!
- Mickey: You're a girl?
- Gene: Yes!
- Bob: No he's not.
- Gene: Yes I am!
- Bob: You're not a girl!
- Gene: Tell that to my vagina!
Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]
- Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
- Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
- Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
- Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
- Duval: [angrily] It's French!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?
- Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.
An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal [3.05]
- [Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]
- Linda: Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
- Tina: It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
- Louise: That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.
- Mr. Fischoeder: She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.
- Tina: She's a magnate magnet.
- Mr. Fischoeder: We're going to do this amusement park style. Every time you do well, you get a ticket. The one with the most tickets at the end of the night wins a prize!
- Louise: The only prize I need is your love, Father.
- Mr. Fischoeder: [handing Louise a ticket] And we're off and running!
The Deepening [3.06]
- Louise: We're adrenaline junkies. We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in Meh-hi-co!
Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks [3.07]
- [Tina has crashed into a parked car]
- Tina: Oh my God, I ruined the car!
- Bob: You did. You really did. On the plus side, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.
- Tina: No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
- Bob: That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.
- Tina: No, it's a dent!
- Bob: Okay, fine. We'll leave a note. Then, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?
- Tina: We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
- Bob: Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?
- Tina: I don't know!
- Bob: It was me. I did.
- Bob: Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?
- Tina: Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
- [She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]
- Bob: Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.
- Tina: I believe you would!
The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene [3.08]
- Louise: Geez, Courtney. Take a chill pill.
- [Courtney's friends gasp]
- Courtney: It's okay, it's okay. [to Louise] I will take a chill pill. I will. Because I have a congenital heart condition and I take them every day.
- Gene: I had shingles once.
- Tina: I have a cut on my leg.
- Rupa: Those things aren't congenital.
- [The school bell rings]
- Gene: Show's over. Time to get our congenitals to class!
- Louise: Puberty, puberty, puberty. That's all I hear when you guys talk!
- Gene: You should know when you hold hands with me, you're holding hands with everything I've ever eaten.
- Gene: My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and yes I'm including starving children, so don't ask!
God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins [3.09]
Mother Daughter Laser Razor [3.10]
- (Linda tries to join the kids' game with Bob)
- Louise: Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.
- Bob: Uh-oh.
- Linda: Well Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?
- Louise: Yeah, but that's a good thing!
- Linda: Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.
- Louise: That's 'cause you suck at it!
- (Everyone gasps)
- Linda: Don't you talk to me like that, Miss Smart-mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!
- Louise: (storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!
- Linda: You know, you're gonna need your mother some day! Who's gonna teach you to shave *your* legs?
- Louise: No one! I'm gonna grow them out all long and scraggly!
- Louise leaves, then comes back.
- Louise: I want to look like a torso on two tumbleweeds!
- Louise leave, then comes back again.
- Louise: And I'm gonna learn about sex from television, so I don't need that from you either!
Boyz 4 Now [3.21]
- [Boyz 4 Now sing in their music video:]
- Allen: I'm mining the cave for love.
- Boo Boo: Don't care about the world above.
- Griffin: Down here it's dark and cold.
- Matt: I'm just lookin' for a nugget of gold.
- Griffin: My hat is hard but my heart is soft.
- Matt: It's dusty down here and so I cough.
- Allen: Cough cough.
- All: It's a dirty job, but I ain't stopping.
- Griffin: I know I'm breathin' toxins but you're lookin' foxy.
- Allen: Will you be mine?
- All: Coal mine
- Allen: Will you be mine?
- All: Diamond—
- [Louise turns the TV off]
- Tina: Hey, I was watching that!
- Louise: Bad enough I'm being forced to go to their concert. It's like I'm going to the electric chair and you're making me watch videos of the electric chair.
- Bob: Start making piles of stuff that could go together.
- Linda: Uh... Okay, I got one! Lipstick, pepper spray, tiny baby carrots.
- Bob: What's the theme?
- Linda: "Woman of the Night!" She gets dressed up, she kills a john, she has a snack!
- Bob: Uh, let's keep making piles.
- [Louise has a crush on Boo Boo.]
- Tina: Relax, Louise. I'm going to get you through this. Just tell me what you like about Boo Boo.
- Louise: Nothing. Everything, I don't know!
- Tina: His hair?
- Louise: You mean those soft blonde bangs you wanna hide under like an umbrella on a rainy day? Not really.
- Tina: And his face?
- Louise: It's so gross I want to slap it. I wanna slap it. I just wanna slap his hideous, beautiful face!
- Tina: You mean "kiss?"
- Louise: No, I mean "slap."
- Tina: Woah. You got it bad, girl.
- Tina: I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.
Carpe Museum [3.22]
- Bob: Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene.
- Gene: Thank you!
- Bob: And Tina.
- Tina: [fist-bumps him] Pow.
- Louise: Hey, Mr. Frond! Why did the chicken cross the road?
- Mr. Frond: I don't know, Louise. Why?
- Louise: So he would be in a different school district where there was a different guidance counselor!
- [Regular-Sized Rudy clashes his cymbals]
- Bob: Louise—
- Louise: What?
- Bob: Don't say that... here.
- Louise: It's fine, I'm out of material.
- Regular-Sized Rudy: (having an asthma attack) Fun hurts my lungs...
The Unnatural [3.23]
- Tina: I love espresso, coffee, caffeinated teas, and then Jimmy Jr. In that order.
- Bob: You don't even know if this Deuce is legit!
- Linda: He has a website!
- Louise: Yeah, they don't just give those out.
- Bob: We're going down there and we're coming back with our money.
- Linda: Or with a really good baseball player!
- Louise: I hope neither of you are getting your hopes up.
- Gene: He gave us his magic, and then he disappeared. Just like Toad the Wet Sprocket.
A River Runs Through Bob [4.01]
- Gene: [about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle?
- Bob: Why would we want to kill an eagle?
- Gene: I don't know. They're so condescending.
- Linda: Wine helps me drink.
Fort Night [4.02]
- Linda: Mort, Teddy, what are you doing right now?
- Mort: Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.
- Teddy: Watching Mort adjust himself.
- Bob: Wait, what are you talking about? Who's "Upskirt Kurt"?
- Teddy: Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy. The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives.
- Gene: What do you mean "beds"? He makes their beds?
- Teddy: No, Gene. Kurt is seducing your mommy.
- Gene: Hmmm.
- Louise: I hope he's a good listener because that bird loves to chirp.
- Louise: [to Mr. Fischoeder] You should teach at my school.
- Mr. Fischoeder: And you should work in my coal mine.
- Gene: "Upskirt Kurt." What a nickname! I mean, it rhymes, for one.
- Louise: Was mom even wearing a skirt? I can't remember.
- Mr. Fischoeder: Shake a leg, Bob. "Upskirt Kurt" moves faster than this. He's not called "Kurt The Long, Slow Courtship Guy!"
- Upskirt Kurt: Why'd you headbutt me?!
- Linda: I was going to punch you, but I'm holding wine.
My Big Fat Greek Bob [4.04]
- Bob: So I'm guessing you guys are not the top frat on campus.
- Pud: Nope. Our motto is, "If you rushed us, you'd be pledged by now."
- Turd: Worked on me.
- Hefty Jeff: We haze with hugs. Lot of good huggers in this group.
- Pud: Girls never come here.
- Tina: It's a man cave. And Tina's going spelunking.
Turkey In A Can [4.05]
- (Bob tries to deduce who put the Thanksgiving turkey in the toilet.)
- Bob: So, really - no one knows who did this? Louise?
- Louise: It wasn't me!
- Linda: Louise....
- Louise: It wasn't!
- Bob: So no one - including Louise - wants to admit they did this? I'm giving you one more chance to confess, then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle!
- Linda: Bobby!
- Gayle: No, it's okay. I didn't have any plans.
- Linda: Bob, come on. It was Louise. Or maybe Gene.
- Gene: *gasps* How dare you! I put food in the toilet the way God intended! It had to be Louise.
- Louise: Unbelieveable. So everyone thinks I did it? Then I must be guilty. That's how it works, right!?
- Gene: Yep. Perfect system.
Purple Rain-union [4.06]
- (Gayle explains why she doesn't want to re-join Linda's band...)
- Gayle: You never let me sing any of my songs.
- Linda: That's because your songs were all so...(whispers)...sexual.
- Tina: Pardon?
- Linda: Plus, you had that speech impediment.
- Gayle: I know. I wrote a song about it called "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-genitals."
Bob And Deliver [4.07]
- Bob: Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?
- Mr. Platt: If it's bigger than a bake sale, they call Michael Mauerman, and then they get me because I have his number now, and I shut it down!
- Mr. Frond: It's over, Bob. Caf-Co won. You're done.
- Bob: Meat is done. Not people!
- Zeke: Woah, I just got a little chill when he said that.
- Zeke: This will always be remembered - until people forget.
Christmas In The Car [4.08]
- Linda: It's Christmas Eve and our tree is dead! What are we gonna do, Bobby?
- Bob: I don't know, but we had to get it out of the house. It caught on fire twice. I guess we're just not going to have a tree this year.
- Linda: N-n-n-not have a tree!? On Christmas!?
- Louise: Where are the presents gonna go without no tree?
- Gene: We want a divorce!
(The Belchers park their car in the woods to avoid a menacing truck.)
- Bob: Okay, everyone just be quiet.
- Gene: Can I say just one thing?
- Bob: Gene...
- Gene: I think I have the best legs in the family. And the smoothest bottom.
- Tina: Mom...
- Linda: Yes, Tina?
- Tina: I was the one who didn't flush. Sorry.
- Linda: That's okay, Tina. It was impressive. It looked just like your father's.
- Tina: Thanks. That's what I was going for.
- Louise: Mom?
- Bob: Oh my God...
- Louise: Where do babies come from?
- Linda: You all came from my vagina.
- Gene: Ha! I knew it! Pay up, Tina!
Slumber Party [4.09]
- Linda: I can't believe Louise doesn't want to have a slumber party.
- Bob: Well, she's not the most social kid. She still hasn't accepted my friend request. And I know she's seen it.
- Linda: If she'd just do the things she hates, I know she'd love it.
- Bob: That sounds like nonsense.
- Linda: Nonsense, or Mom-sense?
Presto, Tina-o [4.10]
- Tina: "Danger" is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.
Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial [4.11]
- Gene: I'm having my own Super Bowl blowout this year. I'm holding all of my BM's until halftime, when I will make a "Super Bowel!"
- Linda: Gene, you can't hold your poops in, all right? You gotta set them free, then they go in the sewers and the find their families. And they're happy!
- Gene: I'm their family! I raised them!
- (Bob tries to fund his commercial by withdrawing from his savings account.)
- Banker: (typing on his computer) This is an impressive savings account here.
- Bob: Yeah?
- Banker: And then, here's yours.
- Bob: Okay...
- Banker: (switching between the two screens) Good planning, careful saving.... (Bob's account) ...no apparent plan, small random deposits.
- Bob: Okay, you've made your point.
- Banker: Good! I shouldn't even be showing you this other account, but I couldn't think of another way to help you.
- Bob: Actually, it's kind of hurtful.
- Banker: Aww!
- Bob: Look, I know I'm basically emptying my account, but it's for a good reason. I'll be in here soon depositing twice as much.
- Banker: Oh, that'll be fun! I'll have our vault enlarged.
Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl [5.01]
- [About Courtney's Working Girl musical.]
- Gene: So it's just a coincidence that you took a beloved '80s movie - some say the sassy sister film to Die Hard - and set it to music and lyrics?
Tina and the Real Ghost [5.02]
- Tammy: Where's Tina? At home, crying into her butt?
- Tina: No. My butt is dry. And strong.
Friends With Burger-fits [5.03]
- Bob: Here's the deal, Teddy - I can make you soup or salad, but I don't think I can serve you my burgers anymore.
- Teddy: You cutting me off, Bobby?
- Bob: I guess I... am.
- Teddy: You're cutting me off!?
- Mort: I think it's for your own good.
- Teddy: You stay the hell out of this, Mort! [to Bob] Bob, if you take your burgers from me, I will murder you and your mouthy wife!
- Bob: Teddy's not my best friend. He's my best customer. There's a big difference, and I really value that thirty inches of formica that's between us.
- Gene: Are you talking about your ding-dong, Daddy? Brag!
Dawn of the Peck [5.04]
- Bob: Oh, right! Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about - running with turkeys and going on rides. Fine, go. But you know what? I am not making dinner!
- Louise: He's handling this well.
- Bob: No, you're crying!
Best Burger [5.05]
- Bob: I can't believe we're competeing agains Skip Marooch. He has a book out. I read it! I mean, I mostly read it. I looked at all the pictures.
- Louise: Your name is a verb in this family. We call it "Geneing out."
- Gene: I thought that meant taking off your pants after a good meal.
- Ron: I was "Geneing out" at work the other day.
- Mickey: [swerving the pedi-cab back and forth] I'm "Geneing out" right now!
- Gene: Oh my God. I'm a verb. I'm a bad verb!
- Tina: You're a "berb."
- Gene: I'm a "berb!"
Father of the Bob [5.06]
- Gene: One man's trash is another man's Christmas gift for Dad!
Tina Tailor Soldier Spy [5.07]
- Linda: Aw, I can't believe you quit the Thundergirls. Are they going to make you turn in your Thunderwear?
Midday Run [5.08]
- Regular-Sized Rudy: See, that's why you're going to be a Hall Manatee, and I'm stuck at Hall Minnow. Well, I'm also a Hall Minnow because I'm bad at networking.
- Bob: What am I supposed to draw first?
- Edith Cranwinkle: First the gesture and then the essence and then the breasts!
The Cook, The Steve, The Gayle, And Her Lover [6.06]
- Mr. Frond: So, you're in trouble again.
- Louise: Drink some cranberry juice.
- Mr. Frond: What? No, not "urine trouble!" You are in trouble.
- [Regarding a homemade doll]
- Tina: I think that's supposed to be Aunt Gayle.
- Gene: Well then who's that lady in the living room?
- H. Jon Benjamin - Bob Belcher
- John Roberts - Linda Belcher
- Dan Mintz - Tina Belcher
- Eugene Mirman - Gene Belcher
- Kristen Schaal - Louise Belcher