Bob's Burgers (season 3)

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Bob's Burgers is an American adult animated sitcom created by Loren Bouchard for Fox. The series centers on the Belchers—parents Bob and Linda, and their children Tina, Gene, and Louise—who run a hamburger restaurant.

Ear-sy Rider [3.01][edit]

Tina: You don't want to mess with my sister. She'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.

Dr. Bush: What's your name?
Mudflap: Mudflap.
Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
Mudflap: Really?
Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.

Mrs. Bush: I don't know how Mudflap is doing this without an epidural. If I hadn't had one with Logan...
Linda: Tell me about it! [Pointing at Tina and Louise] Those two: piece of cake. [Pointing at Gene] That one: the whole cake. ----

Teddy: Someone threw a snow cone at my windshield. I thought I hit a rainbow. It was terrifying.

Full Bars [3.02][edit]

Linda: There's my little candy corns! Ooh! Sad Wolverine! Scary, and sad.
Louise: I'm Edward Scissorhands, Mom.
Bob: Uh, I'm not sure about you walking around with scissors all night, Louise.
Linda: [holding up spoons] Why don't you be Edward Spoonhands?
Louise: [uses her scissors to grab them and toss them away] Get real. It's Halloween, not Hallowuss.
Linda: And Tina's a mummy! Sexy!
Tina: [wrapped in toilet paper, holding a baby doll] Last year I was a mummy. This year, I'm a mommy mummy. And I'm single, and I'm working two jobs, and I'm just trying to get back out there.
Bob: Tina, you have to put your costume back on the roll tomorrow. I'm not losing that much TP.
Tina: Okay.
[Gene clears his throat]
Linda: Oh, and Gene looks great, too! Wait, what are you, hon?
Gene: I'm rapper/actress Queen Latifah from her "U.N.I.T.Y." phase.
Linda: Oh god, so specific and political, I love it!

Gene: Where are we?
Louise: I think it's a country club.
Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!

Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
Gene: Yes more egg talk!
Ticket seller: Ahh!
Gene: Eggs!

Louise: Tina, come on.
Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
[pained screaming is heard in the distance]
Gene: Do they, though?
Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself, I don't need any handouts!
Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
Tina: That's fair.
[Louise slaps Gene across the face]

Bob Fires the Kids [3.03][edit]

Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.

[Refrigerator groans]
Bob: Tina?

Stoner Guy: Hey, Blueberry Girl. You got any extra blueberries?
Tina: (Pushing him away) No! And don't come here again. My parents don't know I deliver blueberries. Do you get it?
Stoner Guy: Okay...
Tina: (Suddenly more forceful) No, do you get it!? Don't. Come here. Again.

Gene: We all said things we didn't mean. You said, "You're fired." You did not mean that. It sounded very insincere as I remember, and I was like, "Noooo."

Gene: We're working girls now!
Mickey: You're a girl?
Gene: Yes!
Bob: No he's not.
Gene: Yes I am!
Bob: You're not a girl!
Gene: Tell that to my vagina!

Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04][edit]

Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
[dramatic tone plays]
Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
Duval: [angrily] It's French!
[dramatic tone plays]

Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?
Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.

An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal [3.05][edit]

[Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]
Linda: Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
Tina: It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
Louise: That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.

Gene: If you wanna wreck your home, buy a bunch of mice like a normal person.

Mr. Fischoeder: She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.
Tina: She's a magnate magnet.

Louise: Why does it have to be Thanksgiving, Father? I want it to be Father's Day. Every day!
[As Mr. Fischoeder passes her a ticket, Gene comes over to pour water in his cup.]
Gene: Here you go, Father! You must be dehydrated from being too awesome!
Mr. Fischoeder: [passes ticket] Take it down a notch.
Tina: Hey, do you remember that thing that we did together that was really fun?
Mr. Fischoeder: That's pathetic.

Mr. Fischoeder: We're going to do this amusement park style. Every time you do well, you get a ticket. The one with the most tickets at the end of the night wins a prize!
Louise: The only prize I need is your love, Father.
Mr. Fischoeder: [handing Louise a ticket] And we're off and running!

The Deepening [3.06][edit]

Louise: We're adrenaline junkies. We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in Meh-hi-co!

Bob: You remember "The Deepening", right?
Teddy: Remember it? I was in it! I was Handsome Lifeguard Number 3!
[Everyone stares at him.]
Teddy: What?
Bob: It's just that we're looking at the "after" here. It's kinda hard to picture the "before".
Linda: Bob!

Linda: That shark made me so scared of the water that I spent the whole summer standing up to pee. Then I got into the habit. I like it.

Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks [3.07][edit]

[Tina has crashed into a parked car]
Bob: Oh my god, it's bad...
Tina: I ruined the car!
Bob: You did. You really did. Okay. Uh, well, that's... ugh. Well, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.
Tina: No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
Bob: That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.
Tina: No, it's a dent!
Bob: All right, we'll leave a note. [pause] You know, then again, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?
Tina: We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
Bob: Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?
Tina: I don't know!
Bob: Da-- it was me. I did.

Bob: Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?
Tina: Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
[She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]
Bob: Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.
Tina: I believe you would!

Tina: Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?
Bob: Uh, we should probably just stick to the necessary facts.
Tina: Oh, okay.
Bob: Fine, all right, you have a secret boyfriend in this scenario, one that you can't ever talk about.
Tina: What's his name?
Bob: Um, Sebastian.
Tina: He plays lacrosse. And he loves me.
Bob: Mm-hmm.
Tina: But he loves lacrosse more.
Bob: Uh, yeah.
Tina: How long is his hair?
Bob: I-I-I don't know. But it's greasy.
Tina: [throwing her head back in bliss] Yes.

The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene [3.08][edit]

Louise: Geez, Courtney. Take a chill pill.
[Courtney's friends gasp]
Courtney: It's okay, it's okay. [to Louise] I will take a chill pill. I will. Because I have a congenital heart condition and I take them every day.
Gene: I had shingles once.
Tina: I have a cut on my leg.
Rupa: Those things aren't congenital.
[The school bell rings]
Gene: Show's over. Time to get our congenitals to class!

Louise: Puberty, puberty, puberty. That's all I hear when you guys talk!

Gene: You should know when you hold hands with me, you're holding hands with everything I've ever eaten.

Gene: My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and yes I'm including starving children, so don't ask!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins [3.09][edit]

Louise: Speaking of Christmas, here is my annual list of demands.

Bob: "My own apartment."

Louise: And it can not be a studio. You have exactly 7 shopping days to comply. If it rolls into day 8, there will be tears and violence.

Linda: Hey a bunch of presents don't matter. Christmas is isn't all about getting stuff.

Louise: Yes it is! Take it back, take it back!

Bob: From the law firm of Banff, Bostwick & Biel.

Louise: Aah! Santa's suing us!

Bob: Huh, I haven't talked to Uncle Ernie in years.

Gene: "Talking to Uncle Ernie" would be a great code for going a poop.

Bob: Gene, he just died.

Gene: It's a fitting tribute!

Mother Daughter Laser Razor [3.10][edit]

(Linda tries to join the kids' game with Bob)
Louise: Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.
Bob: Uh-oh.
Linda: What's that supposed to mean? Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?
Louise: Yeah, but that's a good thing!
Linda: Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.
Louise: Well that's 'cause you suck at it!
(Linda gasps)
Gene: Uh-oh.
Tina: Ouch.
Bob: Oh, God.
Linda: Don't you talk to me that way, Miss Smart-Mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!
Louise: (storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!

Linda: You know, you're gonna need your mother some day! Who's gonna shave your legs, huh?
Louise: No one! I'm gonna grow them out all long and scraggly! [leaves, then comes back] I want to look like a torso on two tumbleweeds! [leaves, then comes back again] And I'm gonna learn about sex from television, SO I DON'T NEED THAT FROM YOU EITHER!

Bob: Gene, why are you making noises?
Gene: They're jealousy noises! You got your legs waxed and I didn't!
Bob: You don't even have leg hairs.
Gene: Tell that to my heart!

Nude Beach [3.11][edit]

Daryl: Look through the tube, see some boob! Show some green, see some peen!

Broadcast Wagstaff School News [3.12][edit]

Gene: What's the point of clinging to this, [gestures to himself] if I'm doomed to be that? [points at Bob]
Linda: Huh. I don't know.
Bob: Lin...
Gene: Why wait? Let's do it now! I want the whole Bob! Male-pattern baldness...
Bob: Hmm.
Gene: ...stooped shoulders...
Bob: Stop.
Gene: ...paunch...
Bob: Please.
Gene: ...and the push broom on my lip.
Bob: This is incredibly insulting.
Gene: Think about how I feel! You really let myself go!

Tammy: Our top story: Lenny DeStefano. Is there enough of him to go around, and how can we ration our passion? Jocelyn, who is Lenny asking to the Winter Prom?
Jocelyn: No one knows, but he has been texting the entire drill team. And me.
Tammy: And me also.
Jocelyn: [Offscreen] Aw.

Gene: I've been tarred and Bobbed!

Tina: Why'd you do it, Zeke?
Zeke: Well, the first time was an accident. But the second time was for fun. Then accident, fun, fun, another accident, three funs in a row, then after that, I was doing it for you, Tina.

My Fuzzy Valentine [3.13][edit]

Tina: My heart was murdered by the word "from." No one says "I from you!"

The Belchers' seat-belt song...
Bob and the Kids: Buckle it up, Buckle it up, Buckle it up or you'll die!

Linda: (singing) Two people, together forever
Security in life
And someone to love ya!
Instead of being all alone
Such a lonely existence
I'd kill myself!
Teddy: Tough song. She's talkin' about us, Mort.

Lindapendent Woman [3.14][edit]

Bob: We'll have to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?
Louise: Probably Gene and Tina.
Bob: That's a good start.
Gene: Huh. Well that makes the things I was gonna cut irrelevant.

Louise: I made it rain shrimp! What did you ever do?

O.T.: The Outside Toilet [3.15][edit]

Mr. Frond assigns flour-sack babies to the boys in the class.
Mr. Frond: Let's have all the fathers come up and assume responsibility for their reckless behavior!

Bob fights a parking ticket...
Bob: Well, Your Honor, I couldn't see the meter because there was a kid standing in front of it. And he was exactly....meter-sized...

Gene: I'm gonna go bet my sisters that there isn't a talking toilet in the woods. That's what we call easy money!
Toilet: Loading artist Eddie Money.
(Eddie Money's "Baby Hold On" begins to play)
Gene: No, no, no! Cancel! Undo!

Topsy [3.16][edit]

(The Belcher kids discover Thomas Edison's "Electrocuting an Elephant" film online.)
Gene: Ooh, an elephant! I'll bet she sneezes and it's adorable!
(In the video, Topsy is electrocuted and falls over dead.)
Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhhh!
Gene: What was that!? Play it again, play it again!
(Louise replays the video.)
Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhh!
Louise: It was electrocuted! To death! On purpose! In public! By Thomas Edison!
Gene: What is he, a super villain?

Louise: Oh, hello, Mr. Dinkler. What a day for science, eh?
Teddy: Louise give me the word when you want me to hit the switch.
Mr. Dinkler: I know what you're up to you hooligan. Jeremy saw everything last night.
Louise: Oh you son of a snitch! What's your favorite movie? Squeal Magnolias?
Jeremy: War Horse.
Mr. Dinkler: You're trying to sully Edison's good name, and nobody messes with my man, Tom. That's it you're banned.

Two for Tina [3.17][edit]

Linda: Awww, Bobby! That's what I love about you. All your sad stories.

Louise: Remember, Tina - a nerd in the hand is worth...not really that much. Never mind.

(Tina can't decide who she wants to go to the dance with. She imagines Josh and Jimmy Jr. dancing to persuade her)
Josh: Choose me, Tina! I asked you first!
Jimmy Jr.: But you asked me first!
Josh: We've got chemistry!
Jimmy Jr.: I've got a butt. Look at it!
Josh: I asked you and only you.
Jimmy Jr.: As far as you know.
Tina: What?
Jimmy Jr.: He said, "As far as you know!"
Josh: I didn't say it. You said it!
Jimmy Jr.: Don't worry about who said it. Just watch the butt!

It Snakes a Village [3.18][edit]

Tina: You saved us, Gene. I owe you my life.
Gene: No thanks. I've seen it, and I'm not impressed!

Gene: [singing] I'm not afraid of ghosts,
I'm not afraid of sharks,
I'm not afraid of cancer,
I'm just afraid of snakes!
They really creep me out!
Where are their arms and legs?!
It's not okay!

Family Fracas [3.19][edit]

(The Belchers are in the car, which Bob can't get started.)
Louise: Can we roll down the windows? I'm starting to breathe in Tina's breath.
Tina: I think I forgot to brush this morning. Did I?
(She breathes in Louise's face.)
Louise: Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Louise: Can we just go already? Gene took off his shoes!
Gene: And my socks!
Louise: Eww! Why don't you wash your children!?

Tina: Your ass is grass. And I'm gonna mow it.

The Kids Run The Restaurant [3.20][edit]

Bob: This is a big weekend for us. It's Fleet Week.
Gene: Yay! Feet Week!
Bob: No, Fleet Week. Why would there be a "Feet Week?"
Gene: I don't know. There's Arbor Day. Who needs that?

Boyz 4 Now [3.21][edit]

[Boyz 4 Now sing in their music video:]
Allen: I'm mining the cave for love.
Boo Boo: Don't care about the world above.
Griffin: Down here it's dark and cold.
Matt: I'm just lookin' for a nugget of gold.
Griffin: My hat is hard but my heart is soft.
Matt: It's dusty down here and so I cough.
Allen: Cough cough.
All: It's a dirty job, but I ain't stopping.
Griffin: I know I'm breathin' toxins but you're lookin' foxy.
Allen: Will you be mine?
All: Coal mine
Allen: Will you be mine?
All: Diamond—
[Louise turns the TV off]
Tina: Hey, I was watching that!
Louise: Bad enough I'm being forced to go to their concert. It's like I'm going to the electric chair and you're making me watch videos of the electric chair.

Bob: Start making piles of stuff that could go together.
Linda: Uh... Okay, I got one! Lipstick, pepper spray, tiny baby carrots.
Bob: What's the theme?
Linda: "Woman of the Night!" She gets dressed up, she kills a john, she has a snack!
Bob: Uh, let's keep making piles.

[Louise has a crush on Boo Boo.]
Tina: I'm going to help you through this. Tell me what you like about Boo Boo.
Louise: Nothing. Everything. I don't know!
Tina: Do you like his hair?
Louise: You mean those soft blonde bangs you wanna hide under like an umbrella on a rainy day? No. Not really.
Tina: And his face?
Louise: Ew, gross, it's so gorgeous, I just wanna slap it, I just wanna slap it, I just wanna slap his hideous, beautiful face!
Tina: Um, you mean "kiss?"
Louise: No, I mean "slap."
Tina: Woah. You got it bad, girl.

Louise: Cute? He's the reason faces were invented, you idiot!

Tina: I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.

Carpe Museum [3.22][edit]

Bob: Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene.
Gene: Thank you!
Bob: And Tina.
Tina: [fist-bumps him] Pow.

Louise: Hey, Mr. Frond! Why did the chicken cross the road?
Mr. Frond: I don't know, Louise. Why?
Louise: So he would be in a different school district where there was a different guidance counselor!
[Regular-Sized Rudy clashes his cymbals]
Bob: Louise—
Louise: What?
Bob: Don't say that... here.
Louise: It's fine, I'm out of material.

Regular-Sized Rudy: (having an asthma attack) Fun hurts my lungs...

Regular-Sized Rudy: (To his inhaler) Oh, I hate you. But I love air. So I guess we're stuck together.

The Unnatural [3.23][edit]

Tina: I love espresso, coffee, caffeinated teas, and then Jimmy Jr. In that order.

Bob: You don't even know if this Deuce is legit!
Linda: He has a website!
Louise: Yeah, they don't just give those out.
Bob: We're going down there and we're coming back with our money.
Linda: Or with a really good baseball player!
Louise: I hope neither of you are getting your hopes up.

Gene: He gave us his magic, and then he disappeared. Just like Toad the Wet Sprocket.

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