Friends (season 3)

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Friends (1994–2004) was an American sitcom revolving around six 20-30 something friends living in Manhattan.

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Main

The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy [3.01][edit]

[Joey can't believe Chandler is dating Janice again.]
Joey Tribbiani: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler Bing: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!
Joey: Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

Janice Litman: So, I hear you hate me.
Joey: I didn't say "hate", I was really careful about that.
Janice: A little birdie said something about ripping your arm off and throwing it at me.
Joey: You got "hate" from that?

The One Where No One's Ready [3.02][edit]

Chandler: You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

Ross: How can you not be going?
Rachel: Well, I'm not gonna go... so I think that will accomplish the not going.

The One with the Jam [3.03][edit]

Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?
Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross: Well, aren't you forgettin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

Monica: [looking over possible sperm donors] Okay, all right, how's this? 27, Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. [Everyone looks at Joey] Oh, my God. Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule!"
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel [3.04][edit]

Monica: Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean, just so that WE'LL break up with you.
Joey: You know about that?

Joey: I've never been through the tunnel myself because the way I understand it, you can't go through it if you have more than one girl in the car but the way I see it, you face your fears same as anything else, you've got a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building, you've got a fear of bugs, get a bug, in your case you've got a fear of commitment so you go in there and be the most committed guy there was
Rachel: Amazingly that actually makes sense
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Jump off the high dive, stare into the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Joey, I assure you, if I were staring into the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which-way.

The One with Frank Jr. [3.05][edit]

[Chandler enters the apartment to find Joey working with wood and the apartment filled with lumber.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, hey, hey... so what happened — did a forest tick you off?
Joey: You know how you're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Well, I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You're building a post office?

[Phoebe and Frank talk about their plans for the day]
Frank Jr.: My friend Larry wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
Chandler: No, we really don't take advantage of living in the city!

[While Chandler naps against the wall in his room, Joey is drilling though the wall. As he drills, the drill bit comes though the wall right next to Chandler, who storms out of his room.]
Joey: Oh! Uh, sorry, did I get ya?

[Frank Jr. is doing his own style of martial arts on Monica's balcony, she and Phoebe are watching]
Monica: What kind of martial arts is that?
Phoebe: No kind.

[Ross has just finished explaining the "freebie list" (list of 5 celebrities a sexual partner can sleep with without conviction from the other) to Isabella Rosselini and she laughs in shock]
Isabella: You know, it's funny. Yesterday, I made a list of 5 goofy coffeehouse guys and I just bumped you for... that guy over there. ['Ross looks away and Isabella walks out the coffeehouse']

The One with the Flashback [3.06][edit]

[Janice asks the six Friends if they have ever had sex with each other.]
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?

Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

The One with the Race Car Bed [3.07][edit]

Ross: When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanie!
Joey: Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices!

The One with the Giant Poking Device [3.08][edit]

Joey: If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, hey, I'm not judging!

[The gang is trying to see if Ugly Naked Guy is alive by using a "poking device."]
Phoebe: He's alive! ALIVE!
Monica: And yet we're still poking him.
Joey: Retract the device! Retract the device!
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: And now he's showing us his poking device.
Joey: [to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

The One with the Football [3.09][edit]

[The gang decides to play touch football.]
Joey: All right! We have to pick captains.
Chandler: And then Tennilles.

Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

Monica: [singing and dancing] Forty-two to twenty-one, like the turkey, Ross is done!

Ross: [To Monica] Cheater, Cheater, compulsive eater.

The One Where Rachel Quits [3.10][edit]

Rachel: Okay everyone, this is my last cup of coffee.
[Hangs over a couple of spots on the couch, gives it to Chandler, goes off]
Chandler: [As soon as he's sure she's out of earshot] Think I ought to tell her I ordered tea?

[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister [3.11][edit]

[After Chandler fools around with one of Joey's sisters.]
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean, that’s unbelievable.
Monica: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina.
Chandler: You see, you can’t tell which one is which either! Naah!
Phoebe: Well, we didn't fool around with any of them! Naah! Naah!

Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.

The One with All the Jealousy [3.12][edit]

Joey: Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.
Chandler: I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.
Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."
Ross: Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
Joey: What?
Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Joey: Who?
Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. [To Ross] The what?

Rachel: [After giving a very long kiss to Ross] Well, that'll be a kiss he won't forget for a few hours.
Chandler: Yeah. Or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.
Rachel: [Pauses to think, then runs after Ross] Wait! Ross- I'm jealous! I'm jealous!

The One Where Monica & Richard Are Friends [3.13][edit]

[Monica is returning a video.]
Clerk: Six dollars, please.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and — aww, it's 8:02.
Monica: You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.

[Richard shaved his moustache.]
Monica: Your lip went bald!

The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner [3.14][edit]

[Phoebe's former singing partner left her again for commercial fame]
Phoebe: [singing about her]
Jingle Bitch screwed me over!
Go to hell, Jingle Whore!
Go to hell, go to hell,
Go to hell...

[Leslie finishes a song and everybody claps.]
Phoebe: See, see, everyone else is happy she's done.
Leslie: Okay, my next song's called:
Phoebe Buffay, what can I say?
I really love when we were singing partners
And I shouldn't have left you that way.
Phoebe: Oh, no: one of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs.

Chandler: Well, hello!
Joey: Where've you been?
Chandler: The doctor.
Ross: Is everything okay?
Chandler: Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica: Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.
Chandler: That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break [3.15][edit]

[During Rachel's phone call, Ross loudly grinds pepper. Then his picnic basket catches fire from a candle.]
Rachel: Excuse me — I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got Shemp in my office.

[Monica and Phoebe are on a double date with UN Diplomat Sergei and his translator.]
Monica: I speak a little French too. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
[The translator shrugs and blushes.]
Monica: What did I say?
Translator: You just asked me whether I wanted to go to bed with you tonight!

The One with the Morning After [3.16][edit]

Joey: Do you think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

Ross: Don't you realize none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you were having sex with Mark?
Rachel: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?
Ross: [pause] Yes, I would.
Rachel: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?
Ross: [uncertain] Yes.
Rachel: If you knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were...
Ross: [He covers his ears and yells] La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Ross: This can't be it.
Rachel: ...then how come it is?

The One Without the Ski Trip [3.17][edit]

Phoebe: This is like 60 Minutes, when at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.
Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

[Chandler lights a cigarette]
Phoebe: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: [realizes he's smoking] Oh my God!
Joey: You're smoking again?
Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still.
Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?
Chandler: Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce, which is when I first started smoking in the first place.
Monica: Weren't you 9?
Chandler: [with the cigarette sticking out of his mouth] Yeah. I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime.
[a knock on the door is heard]
Chandler: Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.
Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross?
Chandler: No, "Hymn" 253: "His eyes are on the Sparrow." When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.
[Chandler opens the door and it turns out to be Rachel]
Rachel: Hi. Uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because my sister on hold and she said that we can have her cabin for the weekend, and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right? I mean, I'm playing by the rules.
Monica: Absolutely.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: Yeah.
[Chandler starts smoking in front of Rachel]
Rachel: Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?
Chandler: Hey, shut up! You're not my real mom.

[Joey has spelled out "pleh" in sticks at the rest stop to get rescued]
Chandler: What's that?
Joey: It's "help" spelled backward so the helicopters in sky'll read it right.
Monica: What's "doofus" spelled backwards?

[Ross has trampled the sticks spelling out "pleh" and Joey started gasping]
Chandler: [sarcastically] Now it's not gonna make any sense!

The One with the Hypnosis Tape [3.18][edit]

Monica: Don't you think he's a little young to get married?
Phoebe: What? He's 18.
Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or — or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

[Chandler has been listening to an anti-smoking hypnosis tape for women without knowing it's for women, and Joey overheard the tape and inserted his overlaping recording into it.]
Joey's Voice On Recording: Joey's your best pal. You want to make him fresh sandwiches everyday. You also want to buy him thousands of dollars worth of pants.

The One With The Tiny T-Shirt [3.19][edit]

Ross: [spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She’s going in... Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in! The door's closed! I can’t see anything with the door closed!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama she thinks she's like, the greatest actress since, since...sliced bread!
Chandler: Ahh, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

The One with the Dollhouse [3.20][edit]

[Phoebe plays with a toy dinosaur while making barking sounds.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"
Phoebe: The little ones do.

[Kate and Joey are discussing Kate's boyfriend, Marshall]
Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating. [Points to Lauren, Kate's understudy and Joey's current girlfriend.]
Joey: It's not the sweater. It's what's underneath the sweater that counts.

The One with a Chick and a Duck [3.21][edit]

Phoebe: You guys, do you know anything about chicks?
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.

[Chandler walks in on Ross and Rachel]
Chandler: Not to be rude, but does anyone know how to get a chick out of a VCR?

The One with the Screamer [3.22][edit]

[A bedraggled Phoebe misses Joey's play, having spent all night on the phone while kept on hold by customer service.]
Joey: Hey, Pheebs — where were ya?
Phoebe: I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.

Tommy: [petting a chick in his hand] Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'? Aww... [The chick defecates in his hand.] Ew! Oh, ew! Gross! IDIOT! STUPID LITTLE FUZZY YELLOW CREATURE! Ooh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's DISGUSTING! You're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct?
[The duck, hearing all the commotion, waddles into the kitchen and starts quacking.]
Tommy: Quack quack, quack quack! What are you quacking about? DUMB DONALD DODO!
[Tommy looks up to see the gang in the doorway, staring at him in shock.]
Chandler: Step away from the duck.

The One with Ross's Thing [3.23][edit]

Monica: I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.
Joey: Or — ha, ha! — we could go over there and pee on them!

Phoebe: [Talking about her fireman boyfriend] He even showed me charcoal drawings he drew of me. Well, he'd prefer watercolors — but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion [3.24][edit]

Ross: [Watching the fight on TV where Pete gets injured and talking to Monica] This is ironic. Out of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it now Pete can't!

[Monica has just broken up with Pete in the hospital and is walking out]
Pete: Wait. [Monica pauses] Could you leave a note? I'm on painkillers and I'm not sure I'll remember this tomorrow.

The One at the Beach [3.25][edit]

Rachel: I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.
Ross: You still love me?
Rachel: ...No.

Chandler: [looking at a picture] Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1965.
Phoebe: You know what that means?
Joey: That you're actually 50?
Phoebe: No, no that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal, Phoebe according to their High School yearbook, they were like BFF.
[everyone looks at her confused]
Phoebe: Best friends forever.
Everybody: Oh.

Bonnie: Hey!
Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie!
Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took the train.
Ross: Oh.
Bonnie: What are you guys doing?!
Joey: We’re playing Strip Happy Days Game!
Bonnie: Cool! I’ll catch up! (She takes off her sweater.)