I told Gamora how, when I was a kid, I used to pretend David Hasselhoff was my dad. He's a singer and actor from Earth, really famous guy. Earlier, it struck me... Yondu didn't have a talking car, but he did have a flying arrow. He didn't have the beautiful voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. Both Yondu and David Hasselhoff went on kick-ass adventures and hooked up with hot women, and fought robots... I guess David Hasselhoff did kind of end up being my dad after all. Only it was you, Yondu. I had a pretty cool dad. Only what I'm trying to say is... sometimes, that thing you're searching for through your whole life is right there by your side all along. You don't even know it.
As a child, my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in training. Every time my sister prevailed, my father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be "her equal". But she won. Again. And again. And again, never once refraining. So after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable machine of death. I will hunt my father like a dog and I will tear him apart slowly, piece by piece, until he knows some of the profound and unceasing pain I knew every... single... day.
Ayesha: We thank you, Guardians, for putting your lives on the line. We could not risk the lives of our own Sovereign citizens. Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community. Impeccable: both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny germinating them in birthing pods.
Quill: Well, I guess I prefer to make people the old-fashioned way.
Ayesha: Perhaps someday, you could give me a history lesson in the archaic ways of our ancestors. For academic purposes.
Quill: I would be honored, yes. In the name of research…I think that could be pretty, uh …repulsive. I'm not into that kind of casual.
Gamora: Oh, please. Your people promised something in exchange for our services. Bring it, and we shall gladly be on our way.
[The Sovereign guards bring a hooded figure into the courtroom; they pull back the hood to reveal Nebula]
Quill: Family reunion. Yay.
Ayesha: I understand she is your sister.
Gamora: She's worth no more to me than the bounty due for her on Xandar.
Ayesha: Our soldiers apprehended her attempting to steal the batteries. Do with her as you, please.
Quill: We thank you, High Priestess Ayesha.
Ayesha: What is your heritage, Mr. Quill?
Quill: My mother is from Earth.
Ayesha: And your father?
Quill: He ain't from Missouri! That's all I know.
Ayesha: I see it within you. An unorthodox genealogy. A hybrid that seems particularly…reckless.
Rocket: You know, they told me you people were conceited douchebags. But that isn't true at all. [flashes a wink at Quill; the Sovereign guards gasp] Oh, shit. I'm using my wrong eye again, aren't I? [Drax pulls Rocket up from his scruff] I'm sorry. That was meant to be behind your back.
Drax:[puts Rocket down] Count yourself blessed they didn't kill you!
Rocket: You're telling me. [shows Drax his stolen Anulax batteries] Wanna buy some batteries?
Ego: I hired Yondu to pick you up after your mother passed away. But, instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why.
Quill: I'll tell ya why: I was a skinny little kid who could slip into places adults couldn't, made it easier for thieving.
Ego: Well, I've been trying to track you down ever since.
Drax: I thought Yondu's your father.
Quill: What? You're trying to tell me that this whole time you thought Yondu was my actual blood relative?
Drax:[mouthful] You look exactly alike!
Rocket: One's blue!
Quill: No, he's not my father! Yondu was the guy who abducted me, kicked the crap out of me so I could learn to fight, and kept me in terror by threatening to eat me.
Ego:[shocked] Eat you?!
Ego: Ah, that son of a bitch.
Gamora: How'd you locate us now?
Ego: Well, even where I reside, out past the edge of what's known, we've heard tell about the man they call Star-Lord. What say we head out there right now? Your associates are welcome! [seeing Rocket] ...Even that triangle-faced monkey there. I promise you, it's unlike any other place you've ever seen. And there, I can explain your very special heritage. Finally get to be the father I've always wanted to be. Excuse me...I've gotta take a whiz. [goes to the bathroom; whistles]
Quill:[not believing Ego] I'm not buying it.
Gamora: Let's go take a walk.
Quill: Give me a break! After all this time, you're gonna show up, and all of a sudden you wanna be my dad?!
Gamora: I hear you.
Quill: And by the way, this could be a trap. The Kree purists, the Ravagers, they all want us dead.
Gamora: I know, but...
Quill: But what?
Gamora: What was that story you once told me about Zardu Hasselfrau?
Quill: To help him fight crime, and to be supportive!
Gamora: As a child, you would carry his picture in your pocket and you would tell all the other children that he was your father, but that he was out of town shooting Knight Rider or touring with his band in Germany.
Quill: I told you that when I was drunk. Why are you bringing that up now?
Gamora: I love that story.
Quill: I hate that story.
Gamora: It's so sad!
Quill: As a kid, I used to see all the other kids off playing catch with their dad. And I wanted that, more than anything in the world!
Gamora: That's my point, Peter. Maybe this man could be your David Hasselhoff.
Quill: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Mantis:[shocked] No! No one has ever asked me a personal question!
Quill: Your antenna, what are they for?
Mantis: Their purpose?
Drax: Yes. Quill and I have a bet.
Quill: You're not supposed to say that...
Drax: I say: if you are about to go through a doorway that is too low, your antenna will feel this and keep you from being decapitated.
Quill: Right, and if it's anything other than specifically being decapitated by a doorway, I win.
Mantis: They are not for sensing doooooooorwaaaaays! [Drax groans] I think they have something to do with my emphatic abilities.
Gamora: What are those?
Mantis: If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.
Quill: Yeah, I guess I feel a general, unselfish love for just about everybody around me.
Mantis: No! Romantic, sexual love…
Quill: No! No, I don't!
Mantis:[points at Gamora] For her!
Quill: No! That is not... [Drax bursts out laughing] ...Okay. That's…
Drax: Hahaha! She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret!
Quill: Dude, come on! I think you're overreacting a little bit.
Drax: You must be so embarrassed!! [to Mantis] Do me! Do me, do me!
Mantis:[touches Drax's chest and immediately starts laughing with him] I have never felt such humor!
Quill: So unbelievably uncool.
Ego: Over millions of years, I learned to control the molecules around me. I grew smarter and stronger; and I continued building from there, layer by layer, the very planet you walk on now. But I wanted more. I desired meaning. There must be some life out there in the universe. Besides me, I thought. So, I set myself the task of finding it. [showing his human body] I created what I thought biological life to be like, down to the most minute detail.
Drax: Did you make a penis?
Gamora: What is wrong with you?
Drax: If he's a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother?! He would smush her.
Quill: I don't need to hear how my parents, uh…
Drax: Why?! My father would tell the story of him impregnating my mother every winter solstice.
Quill: That's disgusting!
Drax: It was beautiful. [disgusted] You Earthers have hang-ups!
Ego: Yes, Drax…I've got a penis.
Drax: Ha! Thank you.
Ego: …and it's not half-bad.
Drax: Ahhh. [interestingly stares at Ego's groin]
Ego: I've also got pain receptors, and a digestive system… and all the accompanying junk. I wanted to experience what it truly meant to be human as I set out among the stars until I found… what I sought: life. I was not alone in the universe after all.
Quill: When did you meet my mother?
Ego: Not long after. It was with Meredith that I first experienced love. I called her my river lily. And from that love, Peter…you. I have searched for you for so long. And when I heard of a man from Earth who held an Infinity Stone in his hand without dying…I knew you must be the son of the woman I loved.
Quill: If you loved her, why did you leave her?
Yondu:[to Groot] Pst! Hey twig, come'ere!
Rocket: Oh, man, what did they do to you?
Yondu: You want to help us get out of here? [Groot nods] There's something I need you to get, and bring back to me. In the captain's quarters, there's a prototype fin. The thing I wore on my head. It's in the drawer next to the bunk, and it's red. You got it?
[Groot nods and runs off excitedly. He returns with Yondu's underwear]
Yondu: ...That's my underwears.
Rocket: Yeah, I was pretty sure he didn't know what you were talking about. You have to explain it more carefully.
Yondu:[sighs] It's a prototype fin.
[Groot returns with a squirming orloni]
Rocket: That's an orloni. It's a fin, Groot!
Yondu:[sighs] You explain it this time.
[Groot returns again with a futuristic prosthetic eye]
Yondu: That's Vorker's eye. He takes it out when he sleeps. Go, look again.
Rocket: ...But leave the eye here.
Rocket:[trying not to laugh] He's gonna wake up tomorrow, and he's not gonna know where his eye is!
[Groot returns again dragging a giant metal desk]
Rocket: That's a desk. We told you it was this big!
[Groot smiles, holding a severed human toe]
Rocket: Tell me you guys have a refrigerator somewhere with a bunch of severed human toes. [Yondu shakes his head] Okay, then let's just agree never to discuss this.
Yondu:[hands Groot his ravager badge] The drawer you're trying to open has this symbol on it, alright?
[Groot slowly puts the badge on his head]
Yondu: What?! No!
Rocket: He thinks you want him to wear it as a hat.
Yondu: That's not what I said!
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: He's relieved you don't want him to...
Groot: I am Groot!
Rocket: He hates hats...
Groot: I am Groot...
Rocket: On anyone, not just himself...
Groot:I am Groot.
Rocket: One minute, you think someone has a weird shaped head! Next, you realize it's because part of that head is shaped like a hat! [to Groot]That's why you don't like hats?! [Groot nods]
Yondu: This is an important conversation, right now?
Gamora:[after saving Nebula, only to be a stranglehold] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
[they start fighting; Nebula wins, but ultimately doesn't kill Gamora]
Nebula: I win. I win, I bested you in combat.
Gamora: No, I saved your life!
Nebula: Well, you were stupid enough to let me live.
Gamora: You let me live!
Nebula: I don't need you always trying to beat me!
Gamora: I'm not the one who just flew across the universe just because I wanted to win.
Nebula: Do not tell me what I want.
Gamora: I don't need to tell you what you want! It's obvious!
Nebula: You're the one who wanted to win. And I just wanted a sister! You were all I had. But you were the one who needed to win.Thanos pulled my eye from my head... and my brain from my skull... and my arm from my body... because of you.
Ego: You alright, son? I saw your girl stomp off earlier in quite a huff.
Ego:[sits next to Quill] It's fortuitous you're listening to this song.
Ego: But you know, Peter, it is a tremendous responsibility. Only we can remake the universe. Only we can take the bridle of the cosmos, and lead it to where it needs to go.
Ego: Come with me.
Mantis:[shaking Drax awake] Drax! Drax, Drax, Drax! We need to talk!
Drax: I'm sorry, but I like a woman with some meat on her bones.
Drax: I tried to let you down easily by telling you that you were disgusting.
Mantis: No! That's not what I... [Drax starts retching] What are you doing?
Drax: Ugh, I'm imagining...being with you physically.
Mantis: Drax, that's not what... I don't like you like that! I don't even mate with the... type of thing you are!
Drax: Hey! There's no need to get personal.
Mantis: Listen! Ego has gotten exactly what he wanted. I should have told you earlier. I am stupid! You are in danger!
Rocket:[walking Groot through atomic bomb detonation] Alright, first you flip this switch, then this one. That activates it. Then you push this button, which will give you five minutes to get outta there. [Groot stares blankly] Now, whatever you do, don't push this button, because that will set off the bomb immediately and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.
Groot: I am Groot. [translating; "I flip the first switch."]
Groot: I am Groot... [translating; "Then the second one."]
Rocket: That's right.
Groot:[points to the death button] I am Groot! [translating; "And then... this button, right?"]
Rocket: NO! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
Groot: Hm. I am Groot... [translating; "I do the first switch."]
Groot: I am Groot? [translating; "Then the second."]
Groot:[points at the death button... again] I am Groot. [translating; "Then... this button?"]
Rocket: NO! That's exactly what you just sai- how's that even possible?! Which button is the one you're supposed to push?! Point to it! [Groot points at death button again] NO!!
Quill:[from skylight] Hey, you're makin' him nervous!
Rocket: Shut up and give me some tape! Does anyone have any tape out there!?! I wanna put some tape over the death button!
Quill: I don't have any tape, lemme check! [jetpacks away] Yo, Yondu! Do you have a- do you have any tape? [pause] Gamora! Do you have any tape? TAPE! Ah, never mind! Drax! Do you have any tape?! Yeah! Scotch tape would work! Then why would you ask me if scotch tape would work, if you don't have any?!?[reappears] Nobody has any tape!
Rocket: Not a single person has tape?!
Rocket: Did you ask Nebula?
Rocket: Are you sure?
Quill: I asked Yondu, and she was standing right next to him!
Rocket: I knew you were lying!
Quill: You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag! If anybody's gonna have tape, it's YOU!
Rocket: That's exactly my point! I have to do everything!
Quill: You are wasting a lot of time here!
[Groot, holding the bomb, slides away down a rock tunnel]
Rocket: We're all gonna die.
Quill:[to Yondu, floating in the air, hanging on his arrow] You look like Mary Poppins!
Gamora: Nebula, I was a little child like you, trying to live day by day, not knowing or understanding what that meant to you. There are many other girls out there, like us. You can stay with us, and help them.
Nebula: I will help them, by killing Thanos.
Gamora: I don't know if that's possible. [stops her from leaving] You will always be my sister. [embraces Nebula, who eventually hugs her back, before she departs]