Sometimes, the thing you're searching for your whole life is right there by your side all along.
I told Gamora how when I was a kid I used to tell people that David Hasslehoff was my dad. He's a singer and actor from Earth, a really famous guy. It never really struck me; Yondu didn't have a talkingcar, but he did have a flying arrow. He didn't have the voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. Both Yondu and David Hasslehoff went on kickass adventures and hooked up with hot women... and fought robots. I guess David Hasslehoff did kinda end up being my dad after all. Only it was you, Yondu. I had a pretty cool dad. What I'm trying to say here is, that thing you're searching for your whole life, it's right there by your side the whole time, and you don't even know it.
Showtime, a-holes! It'll be here any minute.
You shouldn't have killed my mom and squished my Walkman!
[as their ship is about to crash, he sees Baby Groot eating a bowl of candy without having his seatbelt on] Groot, put your seatbelt on! Prepare for a REALLY BAD LANDING!!
Hey, it'll be just a couple of days. We'll be back before Rocket is finished fixing the ship.
He says "Welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy!" Only he didn't use "frickin’".
He says "Welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy!" Only he didn't use "frickin’".
[laughing at Taserface's name] I am so sorry - I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, start looking in the mirror, all serious, and saying to yourself, "You know what would be a really kick-ass name?! "TASERFACE!" [laughs hysterically] What was your second choice?! "SCROTUMHAT"?![Baby Groot and the Ravagers laugh]
[to Baby Groot]NO!! No, that's the button that will kill everyone. Try again.
DON'T CALL ME A RACCOON!!
[from trailer; to Baby Groot] The fate of the universe lies on your shoulders. Now, whatever you do, don't... push... this... button. [points at the button on a bomb as the timer goes from 5:00 to 4:59] Because that will set off the bomb immediately and we'll all be dead. [Baby Groot gasps] Now, repeat back what I just said.
[to Taserface] I have better enemies to defeat than an old man with a gadget that could be disabled easily.
As a child, my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in training. Every time, my sister prevailed. My father would have Gamora and me battle one another in training. Every time, my sister prevailed, my father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be "her equal." But she won. Again, and again, and again, never once refraining. So, after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable instrument of death, I will hunt my father like a dog and I will tear him apart piece by piece. He knows some sort of resemblance of the profound and unceasing pain I knew every single day!
[Star-Lord and Rocket squabble over piloting the Milano, in the middle of a battle]IDIOTS!!
[from trailer] All you do is yell at each other; you're not friends.
[to Gamora] You're the one who wanted to win, but I just wanted a sister. You were all I had, but you just needed to win. Thanos pulled my eye from my head. He tore my brain from my skull, and my arm from my body... because of you!
[to Yondu] You're the one who killed those men by leading them down the wrong path because you're weak and stupid! It's time for the Ravagers to rise once again to glory with a new captain: Taserface!
Damn straight lad, he's gone soft. Suppose it's time for a change in leadership.
[last words; to Sovereign Chambermaid] I'm sending you the coordinates for Yondu's ship! I only ask one thing in return, that your High Priestess tell him the name of the man who sentenced him to death: Taserface![she laughs at his name; half of a Eclector explodes, killing him]
Death will remain a stranger to both of us, as long as the light burns within the planet.
After all these years, I found you.
My name is Ego, and I'm your dad, Peter.
I call it the "Expansion". It is my purpose, and now it is yours as well. Over thousands of years I implanted thousands of extensions of myself on thousands of worlds. I need to fulfill life's one true purpose, to grow and spread, covering all that exists until everything is... me!
Soon Peter, we will be all there is. So stop pissing me off!
I tried so hard to find the form that best SUITED YOU, and this is the thanks I get?!YOU REALLY NEED TO GROW UP. I wanted to do this together, but I suppose you'll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a BATTERY!!
Who...in the HELL...do you think you are?!
Over millions of years, I learned to control the molecules around me. I grew smarter, and stronger. And I continued building from there, layer by layer, the very planet you walk on now.
I figured my rugged good looks would make that obvious.
[last words] Listen to me! You are a God. If you kill me, you'll be just like everybody else! [Peter asks him of what's so wrong with that] No!
[In the year 2014, on the planet Sovereign, the Guardians of the Galaxy wait for a Abilisk to appear so they can fight it]
Peter: [holding calculations] Showtime, a-holes! [looks at his calculations] It'll be here any minute.
Gamora: Which will be its loss. [cocks her cannon gun she's holding]
Peter: I thought your thing was a sword?
Gamora: We've been hired to stop an inter-dimensional beast from feeding on those batteries and I'm going to stop it with a sword?
Peter: It's just, swords were your thing and guns were mine, but I guess we're both doing guns now. I just didn't know that.
Gamora: [to Drax] Drax... why aren't you wearing one of Rocket's aero-rigs?
Drax: It hurts.
Gamora: [confused] It hurts?
Drax: [after a few seconds of silence; lightning flashes] I have sensitive nipples.
Rocket: [he suddenly breaks into laughter, then imitates as Drax] "My nipples hurt! Oh, goodness me!"
Drax: What about him? What's he doing?
Rocket: [standing by some big audio speakers] I'm finishing this so we can listen to tunes while we work.
Drax: How is that a priority?
Rocket: Blame Quill! He's the one who loves music so much...
Peter: No, I--I actually agree with Drax on this. [as Drax casually points letting Rocket know what he is saying] That's hardly important right now.
Rocket: [winking] Oh, okay-- sure, Quill.
Peter: [seriously] No. Seriously... I side with Drax.
Rocket: [while still winking] No, I understand that-- you're being really serious right now. [continues winking]
Drax: I can clearly see you winking.
Rocket: Damn it. Using my left eye? [turns down to see three Orloni's, Baby Groot appears where he pushes one over and punches another one]
Baby Groot: [turns to Rocket] I am Groot.
Rocket: They were not looking at you funny.
[Thunder and lightning flash in the sky with colored details; the Abilisk falls out of the sky]
Rocket: Well. That's intense.
[As the Abilisk continues to fall, Drax, with his knifes, runs up to his place. Once the monster lands on the ground, Drax lets out a battle cry and all four of the Guardians start battling the monster as Baby Groot looks the plugs that he is holding; he finally plugs them together. Mr. Blue Sky starts as Baby Groot starts revving to the beat; the screen freezes where it reads "Guardians of the Galaxy" and "Vol. 2" lightning up]
Drax: The beast's hide is too thick to be pierced on the outside! I must cut through it from the inside.
Gamora: Huh? [Drax laughs and then runs towards the monster] No. No! Drax, wait a minute! [shouts]DRAX![Drax charges at the monster as he yells, and gets eaten]
Peter: [horrified; expands out his helmet] What is he doing?!
Gamora: He said the beast's hide is too thick to be pierced on the outside...
Peter: That doesn't make any sense!
Gamora: I tried telling him that...
Peter: It's the same level of thickness on the inside as on the outside!
Gamora: I realize that! [Drax is fighting and cutting through the guts of the monster as he screams and yells]
[in the middle of a space battle]
Rocket: Later on tonight, you're gonna be laying down, there's gonna be something squishy in your pillowcase. And you're gonna be like, "what's this?", and it's gonna be because I put a turd in there.
Peter: You put your turd in my bed and I shave you!
Rocket: Oh, it won't be my turd. It'll be Drax's.
Drax: [laughs] I have famously huge turds!
Ego: I hired Yondu to pick you up after your mother passed away. But, instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why.
Peter: I'll tell ya why: I was a skinny little kid who could slip into places adults couldn't, made it easier for thieving.
Ego: Well, I've been trying to track you down ever since.
Drax: I thought Yondu was your father.
Peter: What? You're trying to tell me that this whole time you thought Yondu was my actual blood relative?
Drax: [mouth full] You look exactly alike!
Rocket: One's blue!
Rocket: Welcome to the freakin' Guardians of the Galaxy. Only he didn't say freakin'.
Gamora: What was that story you once told me about Zardu Hasselfrau?
Rocket: Awesome! We can jack up our prices if we're two-time galaxy savers!
Peter: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Mantis: [shocked] No one has ever asked me a personal question!
Peter: Your antenna, what are they for?
Mantis: Their purpose?
Drax: Yes. Quill and I have a bet.
Peter: You're not supposed to say that…
Drax: I say: if you are about to go through a doorway that is too low, your antenna will feel this and keep you from being decapitated.
Peter: Right, and if it's anything other than specifically being decapitated by a doorway, I win.
Mantis: They are not for feeling doorways! [Drax groans] I think they have something to do with my empathic abilities.
Gamora: What are those?
Mantis: If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.
Peter: You read minds?
Mantis: No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings, emotions. May I? [touches Quill's hand] You feel... love.
Peter: Yeah, I guess I feel a general, unselfish love for just about everybody around me.
Mantis: No! Romantic, sexual love!
Peter: No, no I don't...
Mantis: For her! [points at Gamora]
Peter: No! No, that is not-- [after a few seconds, Drax suddenly starts laughing uproariously and points at Peter]
Drax: She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret!
Peter: Dude, come on! I think you're overreacting a little bit.
Drax: YOU MUST BE SO EMBARRASSED![continues cackling as Gamora shakes her head in amusement][to Mantis] Do me! Do me, do me!
[she reaches over and touches his chest, and immediately starts laughing along with him]
Mantis: I have never felt such humor!
[Drax and Mantis are laughing and pointing at Peter]
Peter: So unbelievably uncool. [Mantis walks over to Gamora to touch her]
Gamora: Touch me, and the only thing you're gonna feel is a broken jaw.
Ego: There must be some life out there in the universe. Besides me, I thought. So, I set myself the task of finding it. [Showing his human body] I created what I thought biological life to be like, down to the most minute detail.
Drax: Did you make a penis?
Gamora: What is wrong with you?
Drax: If he's a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother? He would smoosh her!
Peter: I don't need to hear how my parents, uh…
Drax: Why?! My father would tell the story of him impregnating my mother every winter solstice.
Peter: That's disgusting.
Drax: It was beautiful. [disgusted] You Earthers have hang-ups!
Ego: Yes Drax, I've got a penis.
Drax: Ha! Thank you.
Ego: …and it's not half-bad.
Drax: Ahhh. [interestedly stares at Ego's groin]
Yondu: [to Groot] Pst! Hey twig, come'ere!
Rocket: Oh man, what did they do to you?
Yondu: You want to help us get out of here? [Groot nods] There's something I need you to get, and bring back to me. In the captain's quarters, there's a prototype fin. The thing I wore on my head. It's in the drawer next to the bunk, and it's red. You got it?
[Groot nods and runs off excitedly. He returns with Yondu's underwear.]
Yondu: ...That's my underwears.
Rocket: Yeah, I was pretty sure he didn't know what you were talking about. You have to explain it more carefully.
Yondu: [sighs] It's a prototype fin.
[Groot returns with a squirming lizard-rat.]
Rocket: That's an Orloni. It's a fin, Groot!
Yondu: [sighs] You explain it this time.
[Groot returns again with a futuristic prosthetic eye.]
Yondu: That's Vorker's eye. He takes it out when he sleeps. Go, look again.
Rocket: ...But leave the eye here.
Rocket: [trying not to laugh] He's gonna wake up tomorrow, and he's not gonna know where his eye is!
[Groot returns again dragging a giant metal desk.]
Rocket: That's a desk. We told you it was this big!
[Groot smiles, holding a severed human toe.]
Rocket: Tell me you guys have a refrigerator somewhere with a bunch of severed human toes.
[Yondu shakes his head] Okay, then let's just agree never to discuss this.
Yondu: [hands Groot his ravager badge] The drawer you're trying to open has this symbol on it, alright?
[Groot slowly puts the badge on his head.]
Yondu: What? No!
Rocket: He thinks you want him to wear it as a hat.
Yondu: That's not what I said!
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: ...He's relieved you don't want him to.
Groot: I am Groot!
Rocket: ...He hates hats.
Groot: I am Groot...
Rocket: On anyone, not just himself.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: One minute you think someone has a weird shaped head, next you realize it's because part of that head is shaped like a hat! [to Groot]That's why you don't like hats?!
Yondu: This is an important conversation right now?
Nebula: [to the Guardians] All you do is yell at each other. You're not friends.
Mantis: [shaking Drax awake] Drax! We need to talk!
Drax: I'm sorry, but I like a woman with some meat on her bones.
Drax: I tried to let you down easily by telling you you were disgusting. [Drax begins retching]
Mantis: What are you doing?
Drax: Ugh, I'm imagining...being with you physically.
Mantis: Drax, that's not what I... I don't like you like that! I don't even mate with the... type of thing you are!
Drax: Hey! There's no need to get personal.
Mantis: Listen! Ego has gotten exactly what he wanted. I should have told you earlier. I am stupid! You are in danger!
Rocket: You know why I did it, Star-Munch? Hmm?
Peter: I'm not gonna answer to "Star-Munch."
Rocket: I did it because I wanted to! What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
Drax: How little?
Rocket: [holding his thumb and forefinger close together] Well, kinda like this?
Gamora: [skeptically] A little one-inch man saved us?
Rocket: Well, if he got closer, I'm sure he'd be much larger.
Peter: Yeah, that's how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
Rocket: DON'T CALL ME A RACCOON!!
Peter: I'm sorry, I took it too far. I meant "trash panda." [Rocket looks around in confusion]
Rocket: Is that better?
Drax: I don't know.
Peter: [snickering] It's worse. It's so much worse.
Rocket: You people have issues!
Peter: Well of course I have issues! [points out the viewscreen at Ego's reforming avatar]That's my freakin' father!
Rocket: [Walking Groot through atomic bomb detonation] Alright, first you flip this switch, then this one, then you press this button, which will give you five minutes to get out of there.
Groot: [Stares blankly]
Rocket: Now whatever you do, don't push this button, because that will set off the bomb immediately and we'll all be dead. Now-- repeat back what I just said.
Groot: I am Groot...
Rocket: Uh huh.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: That's right...
Groot: [points to death button] I am Groot!
Rocket: NO!! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
Groot: Hm. I am Groot...
Groot: I am Groot...
Rocket: Uh huh.
Groot: I am Groot. [points at the death button]
Rocket: NO! That's exactly what you just sai- how's that even possible?! Which button is the one you're supposed to push? Point to it.
[Groot points at death button again]
Peter: [From skylight] Hey, you're makin' him nervous!
Rocket: Shut up and give me some tape! Does anyone have tape out there?! I wanna put some tape over the death button.
Peter: I don't have any tape, lemme check! [jetpacks away; in the background] Yo, Yondu! Do you have-- [explosion] Do you have any tape? [pause] Gamora! Do you have any tape? TAPE! Ah, never mind! Drax! Do you have any tape?! Yeah! Scotch tape would work! Then why would you ask me if scotch tape would work, if you don't have any?![reappears] Nobody has any tape!
Rocket: Not a single person has tape?!
Rocket: Did you ask Nebula?!
Peter: [thinks] Yes!
Rocket: Are you sure?!
Peter: I asked Yondu, and she was standing right next to him!
Rocket: I knew you were lying!
Peter: [Groot grabs the bomb and runs back] YOU HAVE PRICELESS BATTERIES AND AN ATOMIC BOMB IN YOUR BAG, IF ANYBODY'S GONNA HAVE TAPE, IT'S YOU!
Rocket: That's exactly my point! I have to do EVERYTHING!!
Peter: You are wasting a lot of time here!
[Groot, holding the bomb, slides away down a rock tunnel]
Rocket: We're all gonna die.
[during the battle of Ego's planet]
Yondu: [to Rocket] I ain't done nothin right my whole life rat. You need to give me this.
Rocket: [pause, then gives Yondu a space suit and an aero-rig] A space suit and an Aero-Rig, I only have one of each. I...
Baby Groot: [slight pause] … I am Groot.
Yondu: What's that?!
Rocket: [slight pause] … He says "Welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy!" Only he didn't use frickin'.
Peter: [to Yondu, floating in the air, hanging on his arrow] Haha!
Stakar Ogord: You know, it's a shame that it took the tragedy of losing Yondu to bring us all together again. But I think he would be proud knowing that we're back as a team.
Charlie-27: I'm in.
Mainframe: I miss you guys so much!
Aleta Ogord: Hell, yes.
[another Ravager, Krugarr, creates an image of two thumbs up]
Stakar Ogord: [cocks his weapon] What do you say we go steal some shit?
[second post-credits scene: back on Sovereign, Sovereign Chambermaid walks over to Ayesha, where she is sitting with her hair messed up and as she looks defeated]
Sovereign Chambermaid: High Priestess, the council is waiting.
Ayesha: They are perturbed I've wasted our resources. [pause as she looks at Chambermaid and then turning back] When they see what I have created here, their wrath will dissipate.
Sovereign Chambermaid: [looks at the thing that Ayesha created] It's a new type of birthing pod, ma'am?
Ayesha: [as camera switches to her and the birthing pod]That, my child, is the next step in our evolution. More powerful. More beautiful. More capable of destroying the Guardians of the Galaxy. I think I shall call him … Adam.
[third post-credits scene: Peter walks in and sees that Groot is growing back as his room is a mess with piles of leafs and vines everywhere; Groot is also playing a video game on a holographic device]
Peter: Oh. Dude. Seriously? You've gotta clean up room, it's a complete mess.
Teen Groot: I am Groot.
Peter: I'm not boring, you're boring. You know what's boring? Sitting there, playing that mind-numbing game, what's boring as me, tripping over your vines every day. I'm not boring.
Teen Groot: [in a mimic voice] I am Groot.
Peter: And now I know how Yondu felt.
Zardu Hasselfrau: In these times of hardship, just remember: WE... ARE... GROOT.
[final post-credits scene: The Watchers leave their informant as he despises his pleas for them to stay]
Watcher Informant: [to the Watchers] Hey, fellas... Hey, wait, where are you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home. How will I get outta here? Hey! Oh, gee! I've got so many more stories to tell! Aw, guys... Oh, gee.