Little Nicky

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Little Nicky is a 2000 comedy film written by, produced by, and starring Adam Sandler. Nicky, the only good-hearted son of Satan, goes on a quest to save his father from his evil brothers, Adrian and Cassius. On the way, he learns the basic differences between Earth and Hell (after dying several times), discovers what love is, and acquires a certain fondness for Popeye's Chicken.


  • Release the evil!
  • But those are my roommate's sodas!
  • Release the good.  Release the awesome!
  • I never been to Earth, Dad!  I never even slept over some other dude's house!
  • Popeye's Chicken is fuckin' awesome!
  • [after being killed by a bus]  From now on, I'm just gonna try to avoid all moving metal objects.
  • Get in the flask!
  • The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished look to him, and let's face facts, I'm no George Clooney.
  • [to a crowd of people, in a high voice]  I will eat your heart.


  • (Mocking) "But those are my roommates sodas!" Does that sound like a statement the Son of the Devil would make
  • Kid's got a lot of evil in him just beggin' to come out!
  • [while peeing on Todd's "I Love Acting" door mat]  You love acting, I love pissing.
  • [after firing an arrow at Adrian through his genitals]  Now, that hurt the both of us.
  • Look, it's okay for me to shit in the street, but you gotta use a toilet.
  • The shit has hit the fan, kid!
  • Easy, don't choke.

Blind deacon[edit]

  • Though I cannot see with these blind eyes, I know the good Lord still loves me! He loves all of his children—why he loves you, and he loves you…[smells Nicky's presence] You make the Lord…very nervous! You…I'm burnin' now! Hellfire is burning me alive! The beast is alive! He's among us! Clear the streets! The devil is here…!
  • [after sensing Nicky's presence again] Why do you taunt me with your darkness!? You're evil! It's stinking up our streets! The end is near! We are all gonna die—[slams into a lightpost and falls]…We will meet again, Lucifer…
  • [after sensing Nicky's flying above the city] The hellbeast is above us! And I can smell the evil slut!
  • Holy shit, we really are gonna die!["Then he accidentally walks into flames and catches fire"]


  • Peeper:  I think Victoria just told me her Secret.
  • Priest/Adrian:  In today's gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven…or somethin' like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffleball bat! [hums a silly tune]
  • Basketball audience member:  Now that was some straight up David Copperfield shit!
  • Townie:  You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!
  • Townie:  You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his freakin' head off!
  • Gatekeeper:  You can't go through there! The fire flows in, not out! [Cassius and Adrian go through fire gate] You really suck!
  • Gatekeeper:  Now you're gonna see what a big, horny bird actually looks like…in Hell!
  • Demon:  Popeye's Chicken is the shiznit!
  • Pete:  My underwear is so far up my ass, I could freakin' taste it!


Satan:  But, after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years is going to have to be…me.
Cassius and AdrianWhat?!
Nicky:  Hallelujah!! [they stare at Nicky] I mean…that sucks!

[Peeper takes out a cell phone and dials; the son, Scottie, answers]
Scottie:  Hello?
Peeper:  Hello, Scottie. Say, why don't you be a good little boy and go downstairs and let your mother get comfy, all right?
Scottie:  Who is this?
Peeper:  This is a big bird who wants to see the rest of Mommy. Nah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Mother:  [gasps] Oh my God, Scottie, is that a man up our tree?
Peeper:  No, no! Tell her it's just a bird! It's just a big bird! [flaps arms] Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk! Bawwwwwk! Bawwwwwwwwwk! [With an evil grin, Scottie fires a slingshot at him, striking said Peeper in the head] Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwk!

Gatekeeper:  He aren't you that peeping tom, pretending to be a big bird checking out that mom?
Peeper:  Yes I am.
Gatekeeper:  Well now you're gonna find out what a real dirty bird looks like [eyes narrow, cruel smile] in Hell!
Peeper:  [repeatedly as he is chased by a giant bird-man trying to violate him]  I deserve this!
[later on when said peeper meets Satan]
Peeper:  [sarcastically]  Hello…Mr. Devil…I like your cape.  [Satan smiles, waves, then summons said giant bird-man who goes to rape said peeper]  I deserve this!

Satan:  I'm sorry. After careful consideration, I must respectfully decline.
Dan Marino:  I can't stand retirement. Come on, just let me win one Super Bowl.
Satan:  In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino.
Dan Marino:  You did it for Namath.
Satan:  Yeah, but Joe was comin' here anyways.
Dan Marino:  This sucks! I'll just go to the Super Bowl as an announcer, and I'll win myself an Emmy!
Satan:  That's the spirit!
Nicky:  You're a good devil, Dad!
Satan:  And I also happen to be a Jets fan!
Nicky:  Heh-heh.

Grandpa Lucifer:  What's with all those freakin' "hoo-hoo" noises?
Satan:  Everything's fine, Pop!
Grandpa Lucifer:  "Everything's fine"? Who you bullshittin'? The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened!
Satan:  Please, Pop, go back to your room!
Grandpa Lucifer:  Hey, can I take him with me?  [points to Gatekeeper]
Satan:  Sure, Pop, whatever you want. Tit-head, go with my father!

Jimmy:  You were gone ten seconds. What happened?
Nicky:  I got hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal!
Satan:  That's a train, son.  Don't stand in front of them.
Nicky:  Well, I'll have to take a mulligan on this one!
Satan:  Please, Nicky, get back up there.  [his ear falls off]
Nicky:  All right.
Satan:  Whoa!
Jimmy:  I'll get that for you, sir.

Beefy:  Welcome to Grand Central Station in New York City. My name is Beefy. I'm an old friend of your father's. He asked me to help ya out!
Nicky:  I just wanna find my brothers and be on my way.
Beefy:  It's not gonna be easy. Your brothers can possess people, so they probably won't look like themselves. You have to be suspicious of everyone.
Nicky:  All right, "bro". Well, the jig is up, then! [pulls out flask] Get in the flask. Come on, slide right in.
Beefy:  It ain't me, moron.
Nicky:  Sorry, I…
Beefy:  Now, there's this blind guy outside you might think is possessed, but he's just crazy.
Nicky:  Okay.

[Beefy is teaching Nicky how to eat; Nicky takes one piece of Popeye's Chicken, looks at it]
Beefy:  Put it in your mouth. [Nicky puts it in his mouth] Now, move your teeth up and down. [Nicky chews it with his mouth open] Up and down. Good, Numb Nuts. Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your head back, and let the meat slide down your throat hole. [Nicky gags] Easy, don't choke!
Nicky:  [[swallows] Popeye's Chicken is fuckin' awesome!
Beefy:  Mm-hmm! Now, eat up, you're gonna need your energy.
Nicky:  I got energy up the yin-yang! Let's go save Dad! [runs out into street with flask] Adrian! Cassius! [gets hit by bus]
Beefy:  Oh, boy.

Popeye's employee:  May I help you?
Nicky:  Get in the flask!
Popeye's employee:  What are you talkin' about, man?
Nicky:  I'm talkin' about an eight piece. Let's go.

Todd:  Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?
Nicky:  No.
Todd:  It's like eighty degrees in this hallway. Where you from, the South?
Nicky:  Yes. The deep South. Ha ha ha ha!
Todd:  Why is that funny?
Nicky:  I don't know.

Todd:  Oh, gross! He just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit!
Beefy:  Oh, that turn you on there, RuPaul? Heh heh heh!

Father/Adrian:  Yep, the Lord sure did say a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity…but, has he ever really done anything for any of us? Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway? No.
Man #1:  I love that car.
Father/Adrian:  Has the Lord given any of my enemies the herpes?
Man #2:  [laughing] The herpes?
Father/Adrian:  No!
Woman:  The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs! [congregation cheers]
Father/Adrian:  Ma'am, I know your son. And believe me, he was better off on the drugs. At least when he was smoking hasish he used to make me laugh occasionally. [congregation laughs]
Man #3:  After we tried for many years, the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby. [congregation cheers]
Father/Adrian:  No, no, no. Your best friend, Fitzy, helped your wife conceive a baby. He helped her conceive it all night long!
Fitzy:  Hey, hey, hey! [congregation boos]
Father/Adrian:  How 'bout you, Mayor? Has the Lord ever done anything for you?
Mayor/Cassius: Well, you know, I…I wished I could think of something, but to be honest with you, I can't! I can't think of a damn thing he's ever done for me! Kinda makes you wonder if there even is a Lord. If there even is an ultimate punishment for our so-called sins! Why don't we all just have fun and do whatever the hell we want?! Hey, hey!
Father/Adrian:  Let the sin…begin!
Cassius:  [thinking] "Let the sin begin" That was a good one!
Adrian:  [thinking] This is so much fun! I never want it to end!
Cassius:  [thinking] Why should it end? Who's gonna stop us?! Ha ha ha ha!
Father/Adrian:  Ah ha ha ha ha!

Nicky:  Your glasses are pretty; they make your eyes look big and sparkly. It's fun looking at them.
Valerie:  Oh. My dad's an optometrist.
NickyMy dad's in Hell and he's falling apart.

Townie:  You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!
Nicky:  Good idea!

Todd:  I know this is your living room time, but could I maybe finish watching the Globtrotters out here? It's the craziest game I've ever seen!
[one basketball player goes to shoot the ball, but the ref/Cassius blows the whistle]
Ref/Cassius:  He's walkin'! Get him a bus!
Todd:  This is the part I don't get.
Announcer:  Another terrible call; there's no way that was traveling!
Basketball Player:  What's up with all the calls? We haven't lost a game in fifty-three years!
Ref/Cassius:  Guess what, Cornrows? Technical foul! You're outta here! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Little Boy:  Why is the referee being so mean to the Globetrotters, Daddy?
Boy's Father:  Hey, I've been watchin' these guys play since I was your age.
Boy's Mother:  It's all part of the show, baby!

Nicky:  [to basketball] I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle. [throws basketball underhand; at the last second, the ref/Cassius jumps up, catches ball]
Ref/Cassius:  Nyah!
Nicky:  Hey!
Ref/Cassius:  Get that crap outta here!
Nicky:  I know you're having fun, Cassius, but you really gotta come back to Hell!
Cassius:  Look around you, Nicky! We're in Hell. The new Hell! Ha ha ha!
[Nicky looks over at audience, sees two pregnant women with Fitzy 'raising the roof', also sees three shirtless men with the "SIN" painted on their torsos]
Old Lady:  [swinging a shirt over her head] Do it! Do it! Do it! Whee-eeee-eeeeeeeeee!
Cassius:  Ha ha ha!
Nicky:  I was sent here to take you back, and that's what I'm gonna do!
Cassius:  Don't make me take out the shovel again, Trick!
Pete:  I think we're about to see a devil showdown!
Nicky:  You know, Dad got sick when you guys left!
Cassius : I'm glad he's dyin'…'cause it's my turn now!
Nicky:  [while spinning the basketball on his finger] You're gonna wish you never said that! [Cassius and Nicky start playing basketball]
Beefy:  Take 'im to the hole, Nicky! [Todd looks at Beefy] I mean, "Woof, woof!"
Cassius:  Come on, brotha, come on! Oh, come on! Ha ha ha ha! [singsongy] Daddy can't help you! Daddy can't help you!
[Nicky jumps in the air, yelling, causing random objects to explode, then makes the basket, shattering the glass]
Boy's Father:  This show gets better every year!
Boy's Mother:  Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cassius:  That was sick! Who taught you that shit?
Nicky:  Sorry, Cassius…it must be the super devil juice Dad gave me!
CassiusSuper devil juice?! Gimmie that, little girl!
Nicky:  Don't drink out of it, please! [Cassius drinks out of flask, gets sucked inside]
Boy's Mother:  Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit!
Cassius:  [from inside flask] Damn you, Nicky! There ain't no super devil juice in here!
John:  Hail, Nicky!
Pete:  We are forever your slaves!

[Beefy is having sex with another dog]
Beefy:  Say "Mr. Beefy!" Say it! Say it!
Female dog:  "Mr. Beefy."
Beefy:  Aaaaand…I love you!

Chief of Police:  This videotape will show what he did after he left the game.
Nicky:  [on the news videotape which is actually Scarface] Say hello to my little friend! My name is Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all you f**kers for no reason!
Nicky:  That's not me; that's the cock-a-roach Tony Montana!
Chief of Police:  It's difficult to watch, I know.
Nicky:  This is Adrian's work!
Beefy:  He superimposed your head onto Scarface!
Todd:  Which is probably De Palma's third best film.

Nicky:  Good luck with the nipple rubbing.
Nipple Guy:  I don't need luck.  I'm good!
Nicky:  I-I can see that.
Nipple Guy:  Ooh!

Regis Philbin:  So, I was driving to work today. Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off. So I followed him. When he got out of his car, I run up behind this guy and I start bashing his brains in with this bat. Did you ever see The Untouchables? I was De Niro!
Audience member:  What's happened to you, Regis?!

Beefy:  Your brothers are upsetting the balance between good and evil!
Nicky:  Well, what can I do about it?
Beefy:  You can't do Jack shit unless you learn your evil powers. Go get a soda out of the fridge.
Nicky:  But those are my roommate's sodas.
Beefy:  [mockingly] "But those are my roommate's sodas"! Does that sound like a statement the son of the devil would make!?
Nicky:  All right, take it easy!
Beefy:  Nicky, you have the power to change the cola in that can into any other liquid: engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss. You just have to release the evil within!
Nicky:  Release the evil?
Beefy:  I'm just sayin' there's wickedness in you. I can tell from your snores!
Nicky:  Really?
Beefy:  Release your evil!
Nicky:  Release the evil.
Beefy:  Come on, you can do it. [Nicky lifts Coke can with his mind] There it is. You got it in you.
Todd:  What are you doing?!
Nicky:  Hey!
Beefy:  Oh! I—[leaps off couch, hops onto fire escape]
Todd:  All right, I'm going to pretend I didn't see a dog on the couch, because my brain just can't process that right now, but were you about to drink one of my Cokes?!
Nicky:  No. I was just looking at it. It's beautiful.
Todd:  [opens can, takes sip] This Coke tastes like Pepsi.
Beefy:  You changed a Coke into a Pepsi? That was your big transformation?!
Nicky:  Come on man, give it up a little, I mean, it was pretty good for my first try.
Beefy:  Do you even care that your brothers are killing your father?!
Nicky:  Yes, I care! And he is not going to die! [flames appear in Nicky's eyes, then a loud explosion is heard]
Beefy:  Atta-boy.
Todd:  [walks out of a hallway filled with smoke] I'm freaked out. My television just blew up.
Nicky:  You're damn right it did! I mean, "Really?"

Street vender:  [appears while Nicky is sleeping in Central Park] My man's into deep nocturnal shit. [steals Nicky's flask] Whoo! Mm-hmm, yeah!
John:  Yo, man, I think that guy just stole his stuff!
Pete:  Should we wake him up?
John:  Yeah. You do it.
Pete:  Rise and shine, Devil Guy! Some dude just stole your shit!
Nicky:  What?! Where?! [exhales fire; John and Pete stare in amazement] Which way did he go?
John:  Uh, that way!
Nicky:  Thanks! Gimme back my flask!
Pete:  Did you check out the dragon mouth?!
John:  The Dark Prince is here! [they head-butt one another]
Street vender:  Check out my stuff, I got a low price! Uh, I got a pepper shaker! I got a silver doodad from Africa!
Nicky:  [approaches the stand] Hey.
Street vender:  See somethin' you like, my man?
Nicky:  Yes, I would like my flask back!
Street vender:  You callin' me a thief, my man?
Nicky:  I'm callin' you the guy who has my flask.
Street vender:  How would I have it unless I was, in fact, a thief?
Nicky:  I don't know.
Street vender:  Now you gone and done it. You done fucked with my business, bitch!
Nicky:  I would appreciate it if you would keep your voice down! [flames appear in Nicky's eyes]
Street vender:  Oh, you goin' all crazy eyed on me! I'll show you some crazy eye! [clicks tongue really fast with fists up] Look at this, c'mon, let's get busy!
Valerie:  Excuse me, sir?
Street vender:  Who?
Valerie:  Does, um, that flask belong to this man?
Street vender:  Now you gon' call me a thief, too?! Damn!
Valerie:  Okay, look. Today, the guy you ripped off just happened to walk by and bust you, so why don't you just…give him the flask back?
Street vender:  What you gonna do if I don't, bite me with your snaggletooth?
Valerie:  No…but maybe that policeman over there might have something to say.
Street vender:  Hmm. Awwwww, take your dumb-ass canteen, Goofy! [turns to Valerie] And you, get your raggedy-ass clothes and find yourself another corner, before I show you what crazy really is!
Valerie:  Fine, I will!
Street vender:  I'm a business man! Blah-blah-blah-blah!
Nicky:  I'll be seein' you in a few years. [street vender clicks tongue really fast at Nicky as he leaves]

John:  Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out! [spins Ozzy record backwards, but just makes noise] What's Ozzy tryin' to say there?
Nicky:  John, absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always came straight with his messages. But wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.
Beefy:  Oh no! Heh heh heh!
NickyChicago. [plays "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"]
Todd:  I love this song.
Chicago album spun backwards:  I command you in the name of Lucifer, to spread the blood of the innocent!
Pete:  Oh my God, Chicago kicks ass!
John:  That was awesome!
Todd:  You know, guys, this cake…tastes a little funny.
Pete:  Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix. Thought I'd spice up the bash!
Beefy:  Really?!
Nicky:  What's reefer?
Beefy:  About 500 bucks an ounce! Heh heh heh heh!

Blind deacon:  The hellbeast is above us!!  And I can smell an evil slut! [Nicky shoots him with water from fire hydrant] Whoa, devil!!
Valerie:  [to Nicky]  Did you do that?
Nicky:  Nobody calls my girl an evil slut.

Todd:  [after being ratted out by Pete and John] Judas!
Pete:  Yeah, Judas Priest, maybe.

Blind deacon:  Why ya tauntin' me with your darkness?! Your evil, it's stinkin' up our streets! The end is near!! We are all gonna die!! [runs into a lamppost]
Valerie:  This town is really going to Hell lately!

Beefy:  I used to get messed up like this with my first girlfriend, Heather. We'd get so loopy, she would forget I was a dog!
John:  She was a human?
Beefy:  No, she was a sewer rat! [everyone laughs hysterically] Man, that pissed my parents off!
Todd:  You know, I was in love once, but she said I wasn't financially reliable and she needed that.
John:  Now, by "she", do you mean "he"?
Todd:  No.
Beefy:  Busted!

Pete:  Hey, how you feelin' over there, Satan Abdul-Jabbar?
Nicky:  A little strange. I can't stop thinking about this girl, Valerie.
Todd:  Why? Did she hurt you? Do you need to cry on my shoulder?
John:  Easy, Liberace.
Todd:  Oh, would you grow up?!
Pete:  Ha ha ha, Liberace!
Nicky:  I was having the best day with her, until Adrian made me tell her she had a heart-shaped heinie.
Beefy:  Maybe you love her, but what do I know, I can't even see straight!

Todd:  Hey, you guys can crash here.  I have an extra futon in the bedroom.
John:  Eh, that's a big pass, Elton John.

Satan:  That's right!  You heard me, Holly!
Holly:  What?
Satan:  I'm still in love with you!

Satan:  Okay, kids, meet your new home!
Cassius and Adrian:  No, no, no…!
Hitler:  [flash is shoved up Hitler's ass]  Holy shit!  Oh ho ho!




  • If Your Father Was The Devil, And Your Mother Was An Angel, You'd Be Messed Up, Too.
  • Be Unafraid.  Be Very Unafraid.
  • He's Never Been To Earth, He's Never Even Slept Over Another Dude's House!
  • Being Evil Ain't Easy.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about: