Harry: You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.
Lana: You mean you were appointed a judge because…
Harry: I was home.
Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
Lana: [shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?
Harry: I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.
Dan: Your Honor, this is highly irregular.
Harry: Thanks. Court's recessed.
Lana: You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?
Harry: Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.
Liz: Your honor, I know I haven't been here very long and sometimes I, well something I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.
Harry: He sounds like a wise man.
Liz: Yeah we have no idea why he killed himself.
Harry: Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?
Ms. Brandon: Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.
Lana: I'll get those paper bags now.
Ms. Brandon: When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?
Dan: Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.
Harry: You know my Uncle Otto?
Ms. Brandon: Of course.
Harry: Then I take it we have met.
Ms. Brandon: A long time ago.
Harry: I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.
Ms. Brandon: Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.
Carla: The judge and I were having a personal discussion.
Lana: How personal?
Carla: What business is it of yours?
Lana: You're right. You're right. It is none of my business. But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it. He's not your type.
Carla: Oh, but I suppose he's your type.
Lana: He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man. Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality and, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.
Carla: Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.
Lana: Physical stimulation is not enough.
Carla: I won't use gadgets.
Lana: That's-That's not what I meant. You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree that the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.
Lana: The brain. Sex takes place between the ears. You need a bond.
Carla: You need a map.
Dan: I am depressed.
Liz: Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.
Liz: We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.
Harry: But we are working on it.
Liz: Yes, sir.
Art: I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.
Harry: Do you speak Russian?
Art: No, but I'll give it a shot.
Harry: [after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.
Lana: Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.
Dan: I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.
Liz: I'm not leaving either.
Dan: Will you listen to yourselves, people?
Liz: This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]
Harry: No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.
Judge Martin A. Landis: That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!
Harry: You got a Captain Video helmet?
Judge Martin A. Landis: You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?
Harry: Listen, Judge Landis...
Judge Martin A. Landis: Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.
Harry: Come on, guys. No reason not to try something just because it's new, right? Oh, I can't believe what chickens you guys are. Come on, food is not just something to eat, it's something to... [snaps fingers] celebrate!
Dan: It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.
Sleighbough: Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.
Dan: Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.
Sleighbough: Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.
Dan: Yes. It's called sunlight.
Harry: Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?
Sleighbough: Well, it came on sort of gradually. See, at first, I was just boring. But then, I became inconspicuous.
Sleighbough: Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office, or restaurant, or a barber shop, you know, whatever? And finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there!" That's when it first began to take hold.
Harry: And now?
Sleighbough: I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies are going right by and never even notice me!
Bull: [quitting his job as a pro wrestler] Promise me if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack!
Dan: [who's just lost a fortune betting on Bull] I promise.
[Dan comes down the hallway and sees Bull reading a magazine, "Amateur Parachuting." Dan takes it away, rolls it up, and smacks Bull on the head... then goes berserk and swats Bull all over with it, before calming down and handing it back.]
[Billie refuses to believe that Dan honestly loves his heiress fiancee.]
Dan Fielding: You know that crazy stuff that we all have inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being. [pause] I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. And she says, "It's alright." [repeats for emphasis] "It's alright." [sighs] ...and, it is. Poof! Just like your magic, Harry! She makes my problems disappear! My anxieties subside. God's in His Heaven, and all is right in the world. There's nowhere to go but up! Look for the silver lining; don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for. And I happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have lunch with my fiancee.
Bull: [about the Soviet Union] Is it really that bad over there?
Yakov Korolenko: You ever been to Milwaukee?
Yakov Korolenko: Close your eyes.
Yakov Korolenko: Please? [Bull does] When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, no matter how far you run, you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in a cab, and drive two hundred miles in any direction, and you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in an airplane, and fly two thousand miles, and you're still...
Bull: [clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT! [rushes away]
Yakov Korolenko: [to his brother] Works every time.
[after speaking with his wife on the telephone, Glasscock admits that she is a bad patient]
Mr. Glasscock: Women... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
Nikolai Karpov: I have been "without" for six months. Even the dancing bear started to look good.
[The two sit stolidly for a few moments. Then they start to chuckle, and finally fall over each other laughing.]
Dan Fielding: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.
Vincent Daniels: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.
Harry Stone: Your father left?
Vincent Daniels: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!
Dan Fielding: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?
Vincent Daniels: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.
[He looks Dan square in the eye]
Vincent Daniels: It was his own.
Dan Fielding: [guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?
Harry Stone: You can do it with your own words.
Dan Fielding: [stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.
Vincent Daniels: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.
Dan Fielding: You're taking me back?
Vincent Daniels: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.
[Dan looks gratified]
Vincent Daniels: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!
Dan Fielding: GOD BLESS YOU!
[Dan hugs him, then leaves]
Vincent Daniels: I don't understand him.
Harry Stone: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.
Christine Sullivan: Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...
Judge Drayton: Oh, right. Hang him.
Christine Sullivan: He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.
Judge Drayton: There was once this girl who came through my courtroom, carrying a baby. Beautiful girl, seventeen or eighteen, long, dark hair... and a welt where her husband hit her across the cheek. She asks me to make him stop hitting her, and I said, "fine, I'll send him to jail." Then she changes her testimony! She says she lied! She doesn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted, was to make him stop hitting her! Well, I can't make him stop hitting her, Harry! IN TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I NEVER MADE ANYBODY STOP!
Bob Marks: I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]
Harry T. Stone: [sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.
Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.
[Harry enters the dark courtroom, looking at the crucifix-shaped basketball hoop that Art nailed over the windows.]
Harry T. Stone: Can we talk? As you probably know... I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night... after night. You remember that guy...? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King... [pulls a basketball out of his robe] And Larry Bird!