Night Court

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Night Court (1984–1992) was an American TV series, airing on NBC, about the night shift of a Manhattan court, presided over by the young, unorthodox Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone.


Season 1[edit]

All You Need Is Love [1.01][edit]

Dan: How did you get appointed to the bench?
Harry: You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.
Lana: You mean you were appointed a judge because…
Harry: I was home.

Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
Lana: [shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?
Harry: I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.
Dan: Your Honor, this is highly irregular.
Harry: Thanks. Court's recessed.
Lana: You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?
Harry: Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.

Santa Goes Downtown [1.02][edit]

Lana: Strange day, huh? I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.
Harry: I'm sure there must be.
Lana: Like what?
Liz: He overheard some policemen talking perhaps.
Bull: Yeah or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking, disguised his voice, took down the information, replaced the receiver without us noticing and we were none the wiser.
Dan: You will already be none the wiser.

Dr. Green: Judge Harold T. Stone?
Harry: I'm Judge Stone.
Dr. Green: Dr. Peter Stone, Windwood Psychiatric Center. The police called me, told me I might find John here.
Harry: John?
Dr. Green: John Stevens. The man in the red flannel suit.
Harry: Oh that John Stevens.
John: Dr. Green, what a surprise.
Dr. Green: Hello John. I feel fortunate. We usually don't catch him this soon after Christmas.
Harry: You don't?
Dr. Green: No, every year he disappears just before Christmas. Usually manages to elude us till about the first of February.
Bull: You mean this guy's a fruitcake?
Harry: Bull.
Bull: I'm sorry. Alleged fruitcake.

The Former Harry Stone [1.03][edit]

Dan: So Craven prints it, now what's the worst that can happen?
Harry: Well I'd be publicly disgraced, making it impossible for me to function effectively as a judge. I'd have to step down.
Dan: Right, but you've still got your health. I'm sorry. I've never tried to cheer up anybody before.

Harry: What's next?
Lana: Next we have a rather unusual case, Your Honor.
Harry: What's the problem?
Groom: She's a slut.
Bride: He's an animal.
Harry: Off the top of my head, marital problems.
Lana: Not quite, Your Honor. They never finished the ceremony.

Welcome Back, Momma [1.04][edit]

Liz: Your honor, I know I haven't been here very long and sometimes I, well something I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.
Harry: He sounds like a wise man.
Liz: Yeah we have no idea why he killed himself.

Harry: Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?
Ms. Brandon: Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.
Lana: I'll get those paper bags now.
Ms. Brandon: When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?
Dan: Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.
Harry: You know my Uncle Otto?
Ms. Brandon: Of course.
Harry: Then I take it we have met.
Ms. Brandon: A long time ago.
Harry: I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.
Ms. Brandon: Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.
Harry: Ms. Brandon?
Ms. Brandon: Harry, I'm your mother.
Harry: Oh, pleased to meet you.

The Eye Of The Beholder [1.05][edit]

Lana: [after Bull's outburst] I have never seen Bull act like that.
Dan: Yes. They can be dangerous when they're wounded. Oh, come on, I'm kidding. But if you can't laugh at other people who can you laugh at?

Harry: Hi there. I'm Harry Stone, and you are…?
Lana: Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.
Dan: Yes, Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.
Liz: Hold on, there, Counselor. The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.
Leonard: Yes. But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.
Dan: Oh, did I mention that I have a witness?
Leonard: Leonard Bloom, Your Honor. I saw the whole thing. Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass, contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight...
Liz: Objection, Your Honor.
Harry: Sustained. But damn well put, sir.

Death Threat [1.06][edit]

Harry: Who have we got here?
Dan: You tell him. [nudges his client]
God: I am known by many names.
Liz: Pick one and tell it to the judge.
God: I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God.
Harry: [to Lana] You've been saving this one for me, haven't you?
[Lana nods]
God: I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want my presence to be noticed.
Dan: Good choice.
Harry: To what do we owe this visit?
God: The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding. Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange.
Harry: I give. How strange?
Dan: He trashed a diner.
Harry: Any particular reason?
Dan: Your Honor, the defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg salad sandwich for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed."
God: It's better when I do it.
Dan: Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave. And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.

God: You know, if it weren't for Eve, there'd be no reason for you to wear any clothes.
Selma: She did it so we could get some work done.
God: Tell me, do you worship regularly?
Selma: Honey, at my age, I don't do anything regularly.

Once In Love With Harry [1.07][edit]

Carla: [About Harry] What a guy.
Lana: What were you two talking about?
Carla: The judge and I were having a personal discussion.
Lana: How personal?
Carla: What business is it of yours?
Lana: You're right. You're right. It is none of my business. But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it. He's not your type.
Carla: Oh, but I suppose he's your type.
Lana: He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man. Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality and, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.
Carla: Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.
Lana: Physical stimulation is not enough.
Carla: I won't use gadgets.
Lana: That's-That's not what I meant. You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree that the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.
Carla: What?
Lana: The brain. Sex takes place between the ears. You need a bond.
Carla: You need a map.

Dan: I am depressed.
Liz: Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.
Selma: That ought to perk him up.

Quadrangle Of Love [1.08][edit]

Lana: I have never known Dan to be late before. I hope he's all right.
Liz: Yeah. But it's his own fault. I mean, I always make it a rule: Never get involved with people I work with.
Lana: You work with rapists, junkies, muggers and flashers.
Liz: That does make it easier.

Bull: Personally, I don't see the big attraction about Mel Torme. I like singers that stick to the tune.
Liz: Like who, for instance?
Bull: Leontyne PriceLuciano Pavarotti…that bird on Sesame Street's not bad either.

Wonder Drugs [1.09][edit]

Selma: Slow down.
Lana: I feel great. Thanks. Whatever the medication is, it seems to be working. I don't feel so drained anymore. You know, I feel vigorous ... like I could ride my bike around the park.
Selma: You know, my doctor made me get one of those exercise bicycles.
Lana: Really? Does it have one of those little machines on it that measures your blood pressure and your pulse rate?
Selma: Used to, but I took it off.
Lana: Why?
Selma: Make room for the ashtray.

Bull: The guy in the dress wants another strip search.
Harry: What a sickie.
Bull: Yeah.
Harry: I mean, gloves with a cocktail dress?

Some Like It Hot [1.10][edit]

Harry: Yakov Korolenko.
Yakov: Hello, Joe.
Harry: Might we have a language problem here?
Liz: We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.
Harry: But we are working on it.
Liz: Yes, sir.
Art: I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.
Harry: Do you speak Russian?
Art: No, but I'll give it a shot.

Harry: [after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.
Lana: Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.
Dan: I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.
Liz: I'm not leaving either.
Dan: Will you listen to yourselves, people?
Harry: Liz!
Liz: This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]

Harry And The Rock Star [1.11][edit]

Harry: The police have cordoned off the whole building. They're not letting anyone else in who doesn't have business with the court.
Liz: So how many--?
Harry: Got in? They estimate there's a couple of hundred of them roaming around the building.
Dan: Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not out on the streets terrorizing the public.

Harry: Come in.
Al: Guess who?
Harry: Well if it isn't my favorite yellow journalist.
Al: You're too kind.
Harry: What is it, Craven?
Al: What is it? Jennifer Black is it, and you are its current lover.
Harry: Craven, we met briefly, we had coffee and then I took her right back to her hotel.
Al: How does she take it?
Harry: I beg your pardon?
Al: Her coffee. My public likes to know that kind of stuff.
Harry: Your public moved their lips when they read.
Al: Your Honor, come on, huh? I figured you'd give me the inside story because of our close, personal relationship.
Harry: Craven, our close, personal relationship is that of a tick to a dog.
Al: (nods as if understanding, then points to himself) Tick, right?

Bull's Baby [1.12][edit]

Harry: Bull, where did that baby come from?
Bull: You don't know where babies come from, sir?

Harry: Reynolds, Guy T. 629 Bleecker Street.
Guy: May I remove my coat, Your Honor?
Harry: Sure.
Dan and Liz: No!
Harry: Miss Williams?
Dan: Your Honor, the charge.
Harry: "Indecent exposure." You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?
Guy: That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert. I'm a nudist.
[courtroom audience applauds]
Harry: All right, that's enough. Mr. Reynolds, what you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing but what you do at the Chock Full o'Nuts at Fourth and Lexington is quite another.
Guy: That was the point, Your Honor. To bring the subject out into the open. Discuss it, create a forum.
Dan: Your Honor, what Mr. Reynolds apparently created was a stampede when he stood atop the coffee counter, disrobed and sang, "Hey, Look Me Over."
Harry: Great little icebreaker, no doubt. But, Mr. Reynolds quite frankly, I don't wanna know you that well.
Guy: All I can say is, if you don't go nude, you're missing a wonderful experience. It's-well it's indescribable.
Harry: Yeah well, I'm gonna describe it as a Class A misdemeanor and I'm gonna fine you $160.

Hi Honey, I'm Home [1.13][edit]

Bernie: Well, hello again.
Selma: I gotta gun, Bernie.
Bernie: You look very sexy in that uniform.
Selma: Bullets, Bernie. I got those too.

Liz: Hi Selma, how did it go?
Selma: How did what go?
Liz: Oh, come on, Selma. Don't keep us all in suspense. How did the date go with Bernie?
Selma: Oh, that.
Liz: Selma, you don't have to give us all the details. What time did you get home?
Selma: Well, if you must know, very early.
Bull: You didn't have a good time?
Selma: I didn't say that.
Harry: You said you got home early.
Selma: I got home around midnight. Bernie got home around noon.

Season 2[edit]

The Nun [2.01][edit]

Harry: What’s next, Mac?
Mac: Do the words “chow down” ring a bell, sir?
Dan: Your honor, we are starving. Please call a dinner break.
Bull: Sir, you can’t ignore your dinner date forever.
Harry: Hey, one more case. We’ll work up an appetite.
Mac: That’s what you said an hour ago, sir. And mine’s worked up real nice, I mean it’s ready for something raw.
Dan: Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.
Harry: …Next case, Mac?
Mac: …Anita Fries VS Arnold Burger, your honor.
Harry: Bull, call them in.
Bull: Burger and Fries, please. [A hooker and a man with his hand over his eye walk in]
Dan: Anita Fries, your honor. She’s charged with solicitation, prostitution, [Pulls man’s arm away to reveal a black eye] and assault.
Harry: In the interest of time, let’s try and keep out the insignificant details. Specifically the graphic ones.
Arnold Burger: She took my money, and she won’t give it back.
Anita Fries: I have a strict no-refund policy.
Dan: Your honor, apparently Ms. Fries provided neither... ”goods nor services”.
Billie: He’s a pervert.
Dan: Oh, come on. One little comment does not make me a...
Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, I believe she was referring to your client.
Billie: Your honor, my client would like to show the demands made by Mr. Burger. [Hands him a piece of paper]
Harry: This is a shopping list.
Anita Fries: This sicko gets his kicks off of food. He gives me fifty bucks, and tells me to spend it on ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries.
Arnold Burger: They're in season.
Anita Fries: You want to hear what he wanted me to do with this stuff?
Harry: No, I don’t.
Anita: He wanted me to smear it...
Harry: All right. One hour meal break.

Daddy for the Defense [2.02][edit]

Jack Sullivan: Hey, judge!
Harry: Yeah?
Jack Sullivan: You're scum!
Harry: Mister, I was patient before, now I'm giving you one more chance to get a grip on yourself.
Jack Sullivan: I hate your filthy, rotten, stinking, slime-soaked guts!
Harry: Okay. (bangs gavel) Contempt of court.

Billie and the Cat [2.03][edit]

Miles Seaver: No! You can't put a price on love!
Selma: [to Bull] He must be from out of town.

Billie: I know you don't agree with me, but...
Harry: I agree with you.
Billie: I don't expect you to... You agree with me?
Harry: Sure. I probably would have done the same thing.
Billie: [muttering] They told me you were nuts.
Harry: Beg pardon?
Billie: I... if you agree with me, why am I in jail?
Harry: Call it a whim. I have this thing about upholding the law. Billie, what you did was noble, it really was, and as a person I can admire it.
Billie: But as a judge?
Harry: Cough up the cat.

Pick a Number [2.04][edit]

Harry: Bull, you look depressed.
Bull: I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.
Harry: What word is that?
Bull: "Pentimento."
Harry: [after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?
Billie: Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?
Bull: It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.
Dan: You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?
Bull: Good example!

The Computer Kid [2.05][edit]

Ralph Kremsky: Do not take His name in vain, and do not lay down with beasts.
Dan: We only had drinks!

Bull Gets a Kid [2.06][edit]

Dan: Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of City Hall.
Arthur Hubble: They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...
Billie: And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.
Harry: And?
Dan: He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

Harry on Trial [2.07][edit]

Judge Martin A. Landis: Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel?
Harry: I will be representing myself, Your Honor.
Judge Martin A. Landis: "He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that?
Judge Robert Willard: Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Who cares?

Judge Martin A. Landis: You a Shriner, Stone?
Harry: No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.
Judge Martin A. Landis: That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!
Harry: You got a Captain Video helmet?
Judge Martin A. Landis: You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?
Harry: Listen, Judge Landis...
Judge Martin A. Landis: Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.

Harry and the Madam [2.08][edit]

Dan: Objection!
Harry: Overruled.
Dan: Exception!
Harry: Noted.
Dan: Frustration!
Harry: Vented.

Inside Harry Stone [2.09][edit]

Harry: Come on, guys. No reason not to try something just because it's new, right? Oh, I can't believe what chickens you guys are. Come on, food is not just something to eat, it's something to... [snaps fingers] celebrate!
Bull: [hands him a fork] Have a ball.

The Blizzard [2.10][edit]

Dan: We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.
Harry: You mean shut down?
[Dan nods; Harry looks at Mac, who also nods]
Harry: Nah!
Dan: You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?
Harry: It's good to be the king.

Take My Wife, Please [2.11][edit]

Dan: It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.
Sleighbough: Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.
Dan: Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.
Sleighbough: Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.
Dan: Yes. It's called sunlight.

Harry: Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?
Sleighbough: Well, it came on sort of gradually. See, at first, I was just boring. But then, I became inconspicuous.
Harry: Oh.
Sleighbough: Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office, or restaurant, or a barber shop, you know, whatever? And finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there!" That's when it first began to take hold.
Harry: And now?
Sleighbough: I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies are going right by and never even notice me!
Harry: In New York City, imagine that.

The Birthday Visitor [2.12][edit]

[Billie brings Harry back to her apartment for a nightcap.]
Mrs. Grinsky: Who's that, dear?
Mr. Grinsky: Oh, it's just the lawyer and her man of the week.
Billie: (fakes a laugh) "Man of the week." Is he a card or what?

Dan's Parents [2.13][edit]

Dan: [about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.
Harry: Dan, they can't be that bad.
Dan: My God, Harry! They're Democrats!
Harry: ...I stand corrected.

Nuts About Harry [2.14][edit]

An Old Flame [2.15][edit]

The Gypsy [2.16][edit]

Battling Bailiff [2.17][edit]

Bull: [quitting his job as a pro wrestler] Promise me if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack!
Dan: [who's just lost a fortune betting on Bull] I promise.

[Dan comes down the hallway and sees Bull reading a magazine, "Amateur Parachuting." Dan takes it away, rolls it up, and smacks Bull on the head... then goes berserk and swats Bull all over with it, before calming down and handing it back.]
Bull: Thank you.
Dan: My pleasure.

Billie's Valentine [2.18][edit]

Harry: Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...
Mr. Sheldon: Agony.
Harry: Thanks. Why?
Mrs. Sheldon: We're just waiting for the children to die.
Mr. Sheldon: Not that we want them to die, of course...
Harry: Of course.
Mrs. Sheldon: It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.
Harry: The boys?
Mr. Sheldon: Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.
Mrs. Sheldon: And the baby just retired.

Married Alive [2.19][edit]

[Billie refuses to believe that Dan honestly loves his heiress fiancee.]
Dan Fielding: You know that crazy stuff that we all have inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being. [pause] I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. And she says, "It's alright." [repeats for emphasis] "It's alright." [sighs] ...and, it is. Poof! Just like your magic, Harry! She makes my problems disappear! My anxieties subside. God's in His Heaven, and all is right in the world. There's nowhere to go but up! Look for the silver lining; don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for. And I happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have lunch with my fiancee.

Mac and Quon Le: Together Again [2.20][edit]

[Quon Le was arrested for sharing a house with a group of prostitutes.]
Billie: [trying to explain Mac and Quon Le's relationship] Mac was just temporarily acting in the role of spouse.
Tawny La Belle: Well, hey, that's all we were doing, and we got busted for it!

World War III [2.21][edit]

Bull: [about the Soviet Union] Is it really that bad over there?
Yakov Korolenko: You ever been to Milwaukee?
Bull: Yeah.
Yakov Korolenko: Close your eyes.
Bull: Why?
Yakov Korolenko: Please? [Bull does] When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, no matter how far you run, you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in a cab, and drive two hundred miles in any direction, and you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in an airplane, and fly two thousand miles, and you're still...
Bull: [clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT! [rushes away]
Yakov Korolenko: [to his brother] Works every time.

[after speaking with his wife on the telephone, Glasscock admits that she is a bad patient]
Mr. Glasscock: Women... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
Nikolai Karpov: I have been "without" for six months. Even the dancing bear started to look good.
[The two sit stolidly for a few moments. Then they start to chuckle, and finally fall over each other laughing.]

Walk, Don't Wheel [2.22][edit]

Season 3[edit]

Hello, Goodbye [3.01][edit]

[Dirk, the shy bailiff arrives]
Bull: What is it, Dirk?
Dirk: Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.
Bull: WOMEN'S detention?
Harry: Dirk, Grayson's a man.
Dirk: No. There was a dress.
Bull: It was a man wearing a dress.
Harry: Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?
Dirk: Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.
Bull: Where is he now?
Dirk: Right below us, room 1706.
Harry: 1706? Isn't that where they do the...
Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Bull: Strip search.

The Hostage [3.02][edit]

Mr Slotkin: Where I come from, we don't have any courts or jails. Or police, or even any laws!
Bull: Jersey. Been there.

[A French man was held hostage by a group of people on the subway]
Dan: The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.
Old Man: We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!]]
Harry: What did he do?
Old Man: He talked to us.
Christine: Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.
Harry: What is that weapon?
Christine: ...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.
Old Man: It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!
Harry: People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...
Old Man: We don't get the guns back?
Harry: [giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!

Dad's First Date [3.03][edit]

[Jack Sullivan, the Defense's father, is accused of being with a prostitute]
Christine: Daddy, what happened?
Jack Sullivan: I got caught with a hooker.
Flo: Parents say the darnedest things, don't they?

Mac: The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.
Dan Fielding: All of them?
Mac: She's in there, too, Dan.
Dan Fielding: [smiles] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Mac and Quon Le: No Reservations [3.04][edit]

Grampa Robinson: You're pretty sharp for a...
Quon Le: Minority?
Grampa Robinson: My boy never had a chance, did he?
[She smiles and shakes her head.]

Halloween, Too [3.05][edit]

[At the restaurant's costume party after Harry dumped a witch]
Christine: [Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...
Harry: [Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?
Christine: I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.
Harry: You're right, and that outfit really helps a lot.
Flo: [Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.
Bull: [Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?
Harry: Sure Bull, I'll have some.
Bull: How did you know it was me?
Flo: You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]
Dan: [Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?
Harry: I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.
Quon Le: [Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?
Christine: Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?
Quon Le: Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."
Mac: [Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!

Best of Friends [3.06][edit]

Dan: I don't understand it, Harry. Some things in this world should not be meddled with: Nature, humanity...
Harry: Coca-Cola.
Dan: Exactly.

Dan's Boss [3.07][edit]

Dan Fielding: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.
Vincent Daniels: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.
Harry Stone: Your father left?
Vincent Daniels: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!
Dan Fielding: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?
Vincent Daniels: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.
[He looks Dan square in the eye]
Vincent Daniels: It was his own.
Dan Fielding: [guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?
Harry Stone: You can do it with your own words.
Dan Fielding: [stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.
Vincent Daniels: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding: You're taking me back?
Vincent Daniels: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.
[Dan looks gratified]
Vincent Daniels: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!
Dan Fielding: GOD BLESS YOU!
[Dan hugs him, then leaves]
Vincent Daniels: I don't understand him.
Harry Stone: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Up On the Roof [3.08][edit]

The Wheels of Justice (1) [3.09][edit]

The Wheels of Justice (2) [3.10][edit]

Walk Away, Renee [3.11][edit]

Bulll: Life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty, but from adversity comes strength.

Dan's Escort [3.12][edit]

The Night Off [3.13][edit]

Christine Sullivan: Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...
Judge Drayton: Oh, right. Hang him.
Christine Sullivan: He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.

Judge Drayton: There was once this girl who came through my courtroom, carrying a baby. Beautiful girl, seventeen or eighteen, long, dark hair... and a welt where her husband hit her across the cheek. She asks me to make him stop hitting her, and I said, "fine, I'll send him to jail." Then she changes her testimony! She says she lied! She doesn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted, was to make him stop hitting her! Well, I can't make him stop hitting her, Harry! IN TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I NEVER MADE ANYBODY STOP!
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm sorry.
Judge Drayton: [sinks into a seat] God's in his heaven... but all's not right with the world.

Harry and Leon [3.14][edit]

The Apartment [3.15][edit]

Leon, We Hardly Knew Ye [3.16][edit]

The Mugger [3.17][edit]

[during a hostage standoff in the cafeteria]
Mac: [hangs up the phone] They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [aghast] Two hours?
Mac: They said all their people are tied up right now.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Tied up with what?
Mac: Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up With People.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

[while Flo is being held "hostage" in the cafeteria]
Hector Rivera: If you don't shut up, lady, I'm gonna pull this pin...
Flo: Ah, you don't scare me. I was one of the original Angels of Bataan, served in the Philippines. I've seen combat, I've seen bloodshed, I've seen man's inhumanity to man at its best! Where was I?
Hector Rivera: [helplessly] Oh-nine-hundred hours...
Flo: Right... [leans back, remembering] The smell of damp khaki filled the air...
[Hector buries his head.]

Could This Be Magic? [3.18][edit]

Monkey Business [3.19][edit]

Flo's Retirement [3.20][edit]

[About Flo's unwillingness to retire.]
Bob Marks: I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]
Harry T. Stone: [sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.

The Hurricane (1) [3.21][edit]

[after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together.]
Harry: That is a desperately sick lie!
Christine: That... is the truth.
Harry:: Mac, say it ain't so.
Mac: It's so.
[Harry cries on his shoulder.]

Bull: My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.
Florence: That's cute. What happened when you found out?
Bull: When I found out what?
[crash of thunder]
Bull: Gosh, He's good.
Florence: He's got His own ball.

The Hurricane (2) [3.22][edit]

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor.]
Dan: Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.
Officer Tommy: Uh, fr-from where?
Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

[Harry enters the dark courtroom, looking at the crucifix-shaped basketball hoop that Art nailed over the windows.]
Harry T. Stone: Can we talk? As you probably know... I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night... after night. You remember that guy...? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King... [pulls a basketball out of his robe] And Larry Bird!
[He tosses the ball - SWISH!]

Season 4[edit]

The Next Voice You Hear... [4.01][edit]

Bull: This is Rozalind Russell.
Dan: Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!
Harry: Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.
Roz: My mother was a show business freak.
Harry: Ah.
Roz: I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.
Christine: Oh, the poor thing.
Roz: That's what my brother says.
Harry: Your brother...?
Roz: Slappy.
[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]
Bull: Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.
Roz: My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.
Bull: Your brother...?
Roz: Topo Gigio.

Buddy: [about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.
Harry: I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?
[Buddy grins and shakes his head]
Buddy: But I'm feeling much better now.

Giving Thanks [4.02][edit]

Harry: He saved Christine?
Bull: It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.
Harry: [reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?
Dan: The other side.
Harry: Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."
Mac: "Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."
[Christine looks beneath the trench coat she's wearing, and shrieks. Dan pulls her undergarments out of his pocket.]
Dan: Better to be safe than sorry.

Dan: You know, this could be the greatest night of my life...
Hotel Manager: Mmm.
Christine: [storms into the room] Okay, I want this over with before I vomit!
[She disappears into the bathroom.]
Hotel Manager: [leaving] Let the good times roll.

Author, Author [4.03][edit]

Dan: [runs to the bench] Your Honor, a sudden emergency has occurred, and forces me to ask for a recess.
Harry: [not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?
Dan: [feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, did it ever occur to you that I could be in pain, could be in the throes of some personal tragedy?
[Harry gives him a look]
Dan: Sex.

[after Bull has an emergency]
Harry: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...
Dan: Yes?
Harry: A short...
Dan: Yes.
Harry: Recess.
Dan: YES!

Halloween II: The Return of Leon [4.04][edit]

Dan's Operation: Part 1 [4.05][edit]

Dan: I'm quite all right, I don't need this ridiculous operation!
Dr. Flick: What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start hemorrhaging?
[Dan lies back in bed and gurgles sarcastically.]

Morgue Attendant: [rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.
[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake.]
Christine: He's just here for a minor operation.
Morgue Attendant: [smiles] I'll check back later.
Dan: Yeah, over my dead body.
Morgue Attendant: It's a date!
Dan: Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Dan's Operation: Part 2 [4.06][edit]

Christine: Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert?
Harry: [starts to speak, but turns back] How exactly are we defining pervert?
Christine: Sir!
Morgue Attendant: Look, folks, "pervert, prude," it's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls outtoe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]

Dan: Harry, do you know how many women I have slept with?
Harry: Dan, it doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] A hundred?
Dan: You ever see the signs over the Golden Arches that say, "over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.

The New Judge [4.07][edit]

[the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]
Judge Mike Watson: I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?
Mr. MacNulty: [cupping a hand to his ear] What?

Dan: ...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.
Christine: He was merely protecting his wife!
Dan: Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.
Mrs. MacNulty: My Louisville slugger.
Mr. MacNulty: [tilting his head] What?

Contempt of Courting [4.08][edit]

Judge Eve Gardner: [on Dan] Is he always such a boot-licker?
Mac: Shine-O is Dan's favorite flavor.

Earthquake [4.09][edit]

Prince of a Guy [4.10][edit]

Harry: So you really believe you're responsible for everything that happens in the next year?
"1987": I'm gonna make NBC the number-one network again!
Harry: [bangs gavel] Held over for a psychiatric evaluation.

Lieutenant Gerard: Say, Judge, stop by the prison any time. I'd love to...
Harry: Drop me in the hole with a psycho killer for about an hour?
Lieutenant Gerard: Is Thursday good for you?
[Harry lifts his hand and fire flashes between his fingers. Gerard takes a step back.]
Harry: Fine.

New Year's Leave [4.11][edit]

Murder [4.12][edit]

Dan: [enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
Alice Beeker: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
Dan: Not to me, it doesn't!
Christine: Dan, what happened?
Dan: They rejected me.
Alice Beeker: Many are called, but few are frozen.
Christine: They rejected you? Why?
Alice Beeker: His sperm is slow and immature.
Christine: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
Dan: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
Bull: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]
Harry: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
Alice Beeker: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
Harry: Which are?
Alice Beeker: Sixty million per cc.
Dan: I demand a recount!
Alice Beeker: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
Dan: ...What time is it now?
Alice Beeker: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
Harry: ...From sex?
Christine: ...Dan?
Mac: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Dan: I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...
[He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria.]
Roz: Run for your lives, girls!
[All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively.]
Harry: Better safe than sorry, guys!
[All males flee.]

Baby Talk [4.13][edit]

Lorna Huebner: Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."
Arlene Huebner: Why, you lying...!
Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Dying words"? Is Dad dead?
Dan As a kipper on a cracker! [shocked looks] I'm sorry to say.
Harry: Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.
Bull: He is, Your Honor.
[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk.]
Bull: This is Mr. Huebner.
Harry: Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Bull: Your Honor, the Hubner sisters are waiting to see you.
Harry: Herb's kids? What do they want?
Bull: Apparently they settled their differences and had some kind of reconciliation.
Harry: So what about the ashes?
Bull: They say whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.
Harry: [picks up the urn] Oh. Well, okay. I hadn't really... [opens the urn] Hey, this thing's empty!
Art: Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.
Harry: Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!
[they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips]

The Modest Proposal [4.14][edit]

A Day in the Life [4.15][edit]

Rabid [4.16][edit]

Christine's Friend [4.17][edit]

Christine: Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?
Dan: Hold it a sec.
[He and Harry close their eyes and lean back their heads, smiling blissfully.]

Caught Red-Handed [4.18][edit]

[Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office]
Harry: Thursby, you're scum!
Arthur Thursby: [into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly just dropped by.

Arthur Thursby: You're insane!
Harry Stone: They called me mad at the university!

Paternity [4.19][edit]

Dan: Listen, pal, you can't make me pay for something I didn't do!
Pete Petey Peterson: But, Danny, I have affidavits on you from half the women in this town! And, may I add, you photograph quite well...
Dan: Yeah, you just prove that's me behind that mask.
Pete Petey Peterson: If you refuse to settle, you force me to launch a vicious, no-holds-barred smear campaign.
Dan: Listen, buddy, nobody drags Dan Fielding through the mud!
Harry: [looking through the photos] Not according to Action Photo Number Five, Dan.

Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson [4.20][edit]

[swearing in a group of new citizens]
Harry: You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...
[confused murmur]
Harry: Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?
[more confused murmuring]
Harry: Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!
Clinton: I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's kidding?
Roz: It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.
Vega: God, he's good!

[on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]
Doctor Aidleman: Good lord, this woman is pregnant!
Christine: Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?
Doctor Aidleman: [sarcastic] Well, just how many people who aren't obstetricians have?
[raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan (a reference to Season Three's "Hurricane: Part 2")]
Doctor Aidleman: What are you? Some kind of a cult?

Her Honor: Part 1 [4.21][edit]

Mac: Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.
Christine: Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?
Roz: Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...

Bob Wheeler: Hello, it's us.
Harry: Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?
Mac: They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
Harry: 509?
Mac: Uh-huh.
Harry: B?
Mac: Yep.
Harry: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Dan: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Harry: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.
Christine: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
Harry: So all the would-be chicks are now...
Dan: Quiche, yes sir.

Her Honor: Part 2 [4.22][edit]

Mac: Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.
Harry: Gangway!
[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up and rushes to the exit.]
Bob Wheeler: Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.

Christine: There's got to be a way to get your job back!
Harry: Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?


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