Harry: You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.
Lana: You mean you were appointed a judge because…
Harry: I was home.
Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
Lana: [shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?
Harry: I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.
Dan: Your Honor, this is highly irregular.
Harry: Thanks. Court's recessed.
Lana: You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?
Harry: Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.
Liz: Your honor, I know I haven't been here very long and sometimes I, well something I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.
Harry: He sounds like a wise man.
Liz: Yeah we have no idea why he killed himself.
Harry: Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?
Ms. Brandon: Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.
Lana: I'll get those paper bags now.
Ms. Brandon: When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?
Dan: Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.
Harry: You know my Uncle Otto?
Ms. Brandon: Of course.
Harry: Then I take it we have met.
Ms. Brandon: A long time ago.
Harry: I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.
Ms. Brandon: Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.
Carla: The judge and I were having a personal discussion.
Lana: How personal?
Carla: What business is it of yours?
Lana: You're right. You're right. It is none of my business. But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it. He's not your type.
Carla: Oh, but I suppose he's your type.
Lana: He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man. Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality and, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.
Carla: Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.
Lana: Physical stimulation is not enough.
Carla: I won't use gadgets.
Lana: That's-That's not what I meant. You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree that the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.
Lana: The brain. Sex takes place between the ears. You need a bond.
Carla: You need a map.
Dan: I am depressed.
Liz: Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.
Liz: We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.
Harry: But we are working on it.
Liz: Yes, sir.
Art: I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.
Harry: Do you speak Russian?
Art: No, but I'll give it a shot.
Harry: [after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.
Lana: Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.
Dan: I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.
Liz: I'm not leaving either.
Dan: Will you listen to yourselves, people?
Liz: This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]
Harry: No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.
Judge Martin A. Landis: That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!
Harry: You got a Captain Video helmet?
Judge Martin A. Landis: You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?
Harry: Listen, Judge Landis...
Judge Martin A. Landis: Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.
Harry: Come on, guys. No reason not to try something just because it's new, right? Oh, I can't believe what chickens you guys are. Come on, food is not just something to eat, it's something to... [snaps fingers] celebrate!
Dan: It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.
Sleighbough: Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.
Dan: Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.
Sleighbough: Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.
Dan: Yes. It's called sunlight.
Harry: Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?
Sleighbough: Well, it came on sort of gradually. See, at first, I was just boring. But then, I became inconspicuous.
Sleighbough: Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office, or restaurant, or a barber shop, you know, whatever? And finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there!" That's when it first began to take hold.
Harry: And now?
Sleighbough: I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies are going right by and never even notice me!
Bull: [quitting his job as a pro wrestler] Promise me if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack!
Dan: [who's just lost a fortune betting on Bull] I promise.
[Dan comes down the hallway and sees Bull reading a magazine, "Amateur Parachuting." Dan takes it away, rolls it up, and smacks Bull on the head... then goes berserk and swats Bull all over with it, before calming down and handing it back.]
[Billie refuses to believe that Dan honestly loves his heiress fiancee.]
Dan Fielding: You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being. [pause] I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. And she says, "It's alright." [repeats for emphasis] "It's alright." [sighs] ...and, it is. Poof! Just like your magic, Harry! She makes my problems disappear! My anxieties subside. God's in His Heaven, and all is right in the world. There's nowhere to go but up! Look for the silver lining; don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for. And I happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you. Ladies and gentlemen, a small peek into the guts of Dan Fielding: no cover, no minimum.
Bull: [about the Soviet Union] Is it really that bad over there?
Yakov Korolenko: You ever been to Milwaukee?
Yakov Korolenko: Close your eyes. Please? [Bull does] When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, you walk, run, or fly, you're always going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can grab a a car, and drive two thousand away, you're still going to be in the middle of...
Bull: [clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT! [rushes away]
Yakov Korolenko: [to his brother] Works every time.
[after speaking with his wife on the telephone, Glasscock admits that she is a bad patient]
Mr. Glasscock: Women... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
Nikolai Karpov: I have been "without" for two months. Even the dancing bear started to look good.
[The two sit stolidly for a few moments. Then they start to chuckle, and finally fall over each other laughing.]
Dan: [on phone] No, no, I need the costume tonight! Yes, let's say something tasteful, conservative... say, the Roman Emperor Caligula... $200?! For some sandals and a sheet?! All right, all right, let's lay the cards on the table. What can I get for $19.95?
Dan Fielding: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.
Vincent Daniels: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.
Harry Stone: Your father left?
Vincent Daniels: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!
Dan Fielding: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?
Vincent Daniels: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.
[He looks Dan square in the eye]
Vincent Daniels: It was his own.
Dan Fielding: [guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?
Harry Stone: You can do it with your own words.
Dan Fielding: [stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.
Vincent Daniels: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.
Dan Fielding: You're taking me back?
Vincent Daniels: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.
[Dan looks gratified]
Vincent Daniels: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!
Dan Fielding: GOD BLESS YOU!
[Dan hugs him, then leaves]
Vincent Daniels: I don't understand him.
Harry Stone: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.
Christine Sullivan: Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...
Judge Drayton: Oh, right. Hang him.
Christine Sullivan: He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.
Judge Drayton: There was once this girl who came through my courtroom, carrying a baby. Beautiful girl, seventeen or eighteen, long, dark hair... and a welt where her husband hit her across the cheek. She asks me to make him stop hitting her, and I said, "fine, I'll send him to jail." Then she changes her testimony! She says she lied! She doesn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted, was to make him stop hitting her! Well, I can't make him stop hitting her, Harry! IN TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I NEVER MADE ANYBODY STOP!
Bob Marks: I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]
Harry T. Stone: [sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.
Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.
[Harry enters the dark courtroom, looking at the crucifix-shaped basketball hoop that Art nailed over the windows.]
Harry T. Stone: Can we talk? As you probably know... I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night... after night. You remember that guy...? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King... [pulls a basketball out of his robe] And Larry Bird!
[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]
Mr. Fengler: Please, let me go! Let me out of here!
Bull: Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.
Mr. Fengler: You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!
Christine: Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!
[everyone stares at her]
Christine: I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan: Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.
Mr. Fengler: I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.
Christine: Oh, you poor thing!
Dan: Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him!
Christine: You had a shotgun?
Mr. Fengler: A little one.
Dan: The term is "sawed-off"!
[Koenig knocks on Harry's door]
Harry: [sing-song] Who is it?
Mr. Koenig: [sarcastically sing-song] It's the landlord!
Harry: [still sing-song] Just a minute!
[There is an explosion from inside Harry's apartment. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]
Harry: [polite] Yes?
Mr. Koenig: I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!
Harry: Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.
[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment.]
Dan: Are you out of your mind?! I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!
Mac: Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.
Dan: Why me?
Mac: Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful?
[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo.]
Dan: You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to work for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it. [building] That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady, nobody can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law. [throws off his jacket] Or for that matter, anywhere else!
[a group of circus geeks has been brought in for alleged lewd conduct; after hearing the facts of the case]
Harry: Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...
[motioning "one second," he ducks his head under the bench and laughs hysterically; then he re-appears, perfectly sober]
Harry: Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.
Jack Sullivan: You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.
Christine: In other words, you had a great time.
Jack Sullivan: The best! We stop at Great Sal's Ball Throw and Lithuanian Deli. I throw the balls and win this ring. And I say to your mother, just kidding, "I think this means we should get married." And your mother gets this funny look on her face, and says... "I'd love to."
Al: When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older, she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real; one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world...! And we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny... and then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with? Hey-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle... is a lie like all the rest. The astronauts killed the Man in the Moon. Growing up took care of the rest.
Harry: What is it, Buddy? What is it about you that makes you so special? Why do people who are alone, and-and sad, they feel better just 'cause you're around? What is it?
Buddy: [thinks a moment] Love... caring...
Buddy/Harry: [in unison] ...and a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene with regular professional care.
Roz: [reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the honor of your presence tonight, at a gala affair commemorating the tenth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." (sarcastic)Par-ty!
Dan: Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!
Harry: No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if once in a while she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.
[Christine is furious to hear that Harry is forcing everyone to attend her party.]
Roz: [sympathetically] Poor thing. She's probably too upset to even have the party now.
[Cleaver challenges Harry to a battle of pranks, but Harry demurs]
Mac: Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!
Roz: Where is your pride?
Christine: Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.
Harry: Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?
Roz: It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.
[Harry pops open the briefcase and peeks inside... and a spring hand pops out, hitting him in the face with a pie. Harry looks up, and slowly rises to his feet, his face still covered with whipped cream]
Harry: I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!
Harry: Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will never, ever be crazier... than ME!
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.
Dan: All right... there! That wasn't so bad.
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.
Dan: Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really... [gasp] Ugh! Blood!
Dr. Gordon Mooney: [annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?
Roz: [at Dan's funeral] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self-centered, egotistical, boot-licking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.
Harry: Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.
Christine: Why, because he has a pair of... [notices Roz staring at her] ...pants?
Roz: [disappointed] Chicken!
[after the State Assembly race is announced to be a tie by a single, last-minute vote, the voter's body is brought into the morgue]
Harry: What was it, a heart attack?
Attendant Cal: [hands Harry a note] Suicide.
Harry: [reading] "I can't stand living in this crummy city another day. So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy worm Dan Fielding into office. Fielding and New York deserve each other. Goodbye, and good riddance."
Mr. Carney: Come on, give me a break, I've been in a coma for twenty years.
Roz: In that case, you want to bet on the Packers this Sunday?
Dan: Uh, Your Honor, the defendant, Mr. Carney, had no apparent hope of recovery. The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his nephew and only living relative, if they could pull the plug. Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told the staff, "tag him and bag him, Doc."
Harry: I hate to get too technical here, but when did the illegal stuff happen?
Mr. Higgins: When I came by the hospital to take him home. Can you believe it? He hit me right in the vestibule!
Dr. Malloy: Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.
Dan: So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?
Dr. Malloy: We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.
Dan: Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.
Dr. Malloy: Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.
Dan: Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.
Harry: All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!
Buddy: You were born in a mental institution!
Harry: ...I stand corrected.
Buddy: Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, I actually helped her. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.
Harry: And that's... where I came into the picture.
Buddy: Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?
Harry: Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed... [grins] But I'm feeling much better now!
James: I need to talk to you, Roz. Is there someplace quiet?
Bull: Doesn't get quieter than up here!
[They both look at him.]
Bull: ...Ah. Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff...
[He gives Roz an obvious wink, then goes downstairs.]
Roz: That was stupid. He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.
James: Because you might let me go?
Roz: Because I might throw you off the roof!
Roz: I'd like to talk about what you did up on the roof.
Bull: [modestly] Oh, that's okay, Roz, you don't have to thank...
Roz: What the hell is the matter with you?! You knew how I felt about James! You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go! Now you could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?
Bull: [looks down, tiny voice] Yes, ma'am.
Roz: Good. Now bend over.
[Bull looks up in alarm. Wincing, he leans down... and Roz kisses him tenderly on the crown of his head.]
[Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]
Roz: You're broke, aren't you?
Dan: You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.
Dan: Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.
Judge Casement: Are you suggesting I'm unfair?
Dan: You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and accepted witness testimony from people who didn't even know me.
Judge Casement: They were all women you slept with!
Dan: That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.
Judge Casement: I'll take that into account. Anything else?
Dan: Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.
Roz: Beats sitting here listening to Harry.
Dan: I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that... you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.