Night Court (season 4)
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The Next Voice You Hear... [4.01]
- Bull: This is Rozalind Russell.
- Dan: Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!
- Harry: Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.
- Roz: My mother was a show business freak.
- Harry: Ah.
- Roz: I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.
- Christine: Oh, the poor thing.
- Roz: That's what my brother says.
- Harry: Your brother...?
- Roz: Slappy.
- [a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]
- Bull: Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.
- Roz: My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.
- Bull: Your brother...?
- Roz: Topo Gigio.
- Buddy: [about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.
- Harry: I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?
- [Buddy grins and shakes his head]
- Buddy: But I'm feeling much better now.
Giving Thanks [4.02]
- Harry: He saved Christine?
- Bull: It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.
- Harry: [reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?
- Dan: The other side.
- Harry: Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."
- Mac: "Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."
- [Christine looks beneath the trench coat she's wearing, and shrieks. Dan pulls her undergarments out of his pocket.]
- Dan: Better to be safe than sorry.
- Dan: You know, this could be the greatest night of my life...
- Hotel Manager: Mmm.
- Christine: [storms into the room] Okay, I want this over with before I vomit!
- [She disappears into the bathroom.]
- Hotel Manager: [leaving] Let the good times roll.
Author, Author [4.03]
- Dan: [runs to the bench] Your Honor, a sudden emergency has occurred, and forces me to ask for a recess.
- Harry: [not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?
- Dan: [feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, did it ever occur to you that I could be in pain, could be in the throes of some personal tragedy?
- [Harry gives him a look]
- Dan: Sex.
- [after Bull has an emergency]
- Harry: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...
- Dan: Yes?
- Harry: A short...
- Dan: Yes.
- Harry: Recess.
- Dan: YES!
Halloween II: The Return of Leon [4.04]
Dan's Operation: Part 1 [4.05]
- Dan: I'm quite all right, I don't need this ridiculous operation!
- Dr. Flick: What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start hemorrhaging?
- [Dan lies back in bed and gurgles sarcastically.]
- Morgue Attendant: [rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.
- [Everyone tells him there must be some mistake.]
- Christine: He's just here for a minor operation.
- Morgue Attendant: [smiles] I'll check back later.
- Dan: Yeah, over my dead body.
- Morgue Attendant: It's a date!
- Dan: Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.
Dan's Operation: Part 2 [4.06]
- Christine: Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert?
- Harry: [starts to speak, but turns back] How exactly are we defining pervert?
- Christine: Sir!
- Morgue Attendant: Look, folks, "pervert, prude," it's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls out toe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]
- Dan: I don't have a life, Harry. I have a lifestyle. Do you know how many women I have slept with?
- Harry: It doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] More than a hundred?
- Dan: You know the slogan under the Golden Arches? "Over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.
The New Judge [4.07]
- [the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]
- Judge Mike Watson: I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?
- Mr. MacNulty: [cupping a hand to his ear] What?
- Dan: ...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.
- Christine: He was merely protecting his wife!
- Dan: Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.
- Mrs. MacNulty: My Louisville slugger.
- Mr. MacNulty: [tilting his head] What?
- Dan: SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOUR BAT!
Contempt of Courting [4.08]
- Judge Eve Gardner: [on Dan] Is he always such a boot-licker?
- Mac: Shine-O is Dan's favorite flavor.
Prince of a Guy [4.10]
New Year's Leave [4.11]
- Harry: So you really believe you're responsible for everything that happens in the next year?
- "1987": I'm gonna make NBC the number-one network again!
- Harry: [bangs gavel] Held over for a psychiatric evaluation.
- Lieutenant Gerard: Say, Judge, stop by the prison any time. I'd love to...
- Harry: Drop me in the hole with a psycho killer for about an hour?
- Lieutenant Gerard: Is Thursday good for you?
- [Harry lifts his hand and fire flashes between his fingers. Gerard takes a step back.]
- Harry: Fine.
- Dan: [enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
- Alice Beeker: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
- Dan: Not to me, it doesn't!
- Christine: Dan, what happened?
- Dan: They rejected me.
- Alice Beeker: Many are called, but few are frozen.
- Christine: They rejected you? Why?
- Alice Beeker: His sperm is slow and immature.
- Christine: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
- Dan: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
- Bull: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]
- Harry: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
- Alice Beeker: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
- Harry: Which are?
- Alice Beeker: Sixty million per cc.
- Dan: I demand a recount!
- Alice Beeker: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
- Dan: ...What time is it now?
- Alice Beeker: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
- Harry: ...From sex?
- Christine: ...Dan?
- Mac: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.
- Dan: I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...
- [He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria.]
- Roz: Run for your lives, girls!
- [All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively.]
- Harry: Better safe than sorry, guys!
- [All males flee.]
Baby Talk [4.13]
- Lorna Huebner: Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."
- Arlene Huebner: Why, you lying...!
- Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Dying words"? Is Dad dead?
- Dan As a kipper on a cracker! [shocked looks] I'm sorry to say.
- Harry: Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.
- Bull: He is, Your Honor.
- [Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk.]
- Bull: This is Mr. Huebner.
- Harry: Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.
- Bull: Your Honor, the Hubner sisters are waiting to see you.
- Harry: Herb's kids? What do they want?
- Bull: Apparently they settled their differences and had some kind of reconciliation.
- Harry: So what about the ashes?
- Bull: They say whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.
- Harry: [picks up the urn] Oh. Well, okay. I hadn't really... [opens the urn] Hey, this thing's empty!
- Art: Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.
- Harry: Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!
- [they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips]
The Modest Proposal [4.14]
- Roz: [deadpan] Quite a day today.
- Mac: [deadpan] Yep, quite a day. We almost had a wedding here.
- Roz: Yep, almost. But we didn't.
- [They sit impassively for a moment, then make Harry's "crazy" face at each other.]
A Day in the Life [4.15]
Christine's Friend [4.17]
- Christine: Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?
- Dan: Hold it a sec.
- [He and Harry close their eyes and lean back their heads, smiling blissfully.]
Caught Red-Handed [4.18]
- Mac: First case sir, People vs. Trixie Dubois. She's charged with prostitution.
- Harry: Mr. Prosecutor?
- Dan: Ah yes, sir, familiar story: boy meets girl, girl asks for a C-note, boy flashes badge, girl offers discount, boy busts girl.
- Harry: Ain't love grand?
- Mac: Uh-huh.
- [Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office]
- Harry: Thursby, you're scum!
- Arthur Thursby: [into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly just dropped by.
- Arthur Thursby: You're insane!
- Harry Stone: They called me mad at the university!
- Dan: Listen, pal, you can't make me pay for something I didn't do!
- Pete Petey Peterson: But, Danny, I have affidavits on you from half the women in this town! And, may I add, you photograph quite well...
- Dan: Yeah, you just prove that's me behind that mask.
- Pete Petey Peterson: If you refuse to settle, you force me to launch a vicious, no-holds-barred smear campaign.
- Dan: Listen, buddy, nobody drags Dan Fielding through the mud!
- Harry: [looking through the photos] Not according to Action Photo Number Five, Dan.
Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson [4.20]
- [swearing in a group of new citizens]
- Harry: You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...
- [confused murmur]
- Harry: Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?
- [more confused murmuring]
- Harry: Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!
- Clinton: I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's kidding?
- Roz: It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.
- Vega: God, he's good!
- [on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]
- Doctor Aidleman: Good lord, this woman is pregnant!
- Christine: Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?
- Doctor Aidleman: [sarcastic] Well, just how many people who aren't obstetricians have?
- [raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan (a reference to Season Three's "Hurricane: Part 2")]
- Doctor Aidleman: What are you? Some kind of a cult?
Her Honor: Part 1 [4.21]
- Mac: Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.
- Christine: Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?
- Roz: Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...
- Bob Wheeler: Hello, it's us.
- Harry: Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?
- Mac: They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
- Harry: 509?
- Mac: Uh-huh.
- Harry: B?
- Mac: Yep.
- Harry: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
- Dan: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
- Harry: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.
- Christine: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
- Harry: So all the would-be chicks are now...
- Dan: Quiche, yes sir.
- [Dan is throwing a tantrum over being passed over for a judicial appointment.]
- Dan: Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job!
- Christine: Dan...
- Dan: [to the courtroom] All right, who wants to share gas to Florida? Show yourself now!
- [A flasher stands up and, taking Dan literally, opens his trench coat. Dan mulls it over for a second.]
- Dan: ...Okay, but you gotta ride in the back.
Her Honor: Part 2 [4.22]
- Mac: Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.
- Harry: Gangway!
- [Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up and rushes to the exit.]
- Bob Wheeler: Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.
- Christine: There's got to be a way to get your job back!
- Harry: Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?