Night Court (season 7)

---

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9| Main

---

Night Court (1984–1992) is an American sitcom, airing on NBC, about the night shift of a Manhattan court, presided over by the young, unorthodox Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone.

If I Were a Rich Man [7.02]

Dan: Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.

Roz: How do you know that?

Dan: A little birdie told me.

Christine: Dan, you heard that from Bull!

Dan: All right, a huge bald condor told me.

Christine: Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?

Dan: [grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

---

Harry: So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?

Dan: Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.

Harry: He took you to the cleaners, huh?

Dan: [slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.

Harry: How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?

[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]

Harry: Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.

The Cop and the Lady [7.03]

[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]

Tony: I'm looking for Fielding...

Dan: IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!

[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]

Christine: Eat mace, bozo!

Tony: Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]

Harry: You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.

Tony: [still blinking off the mace] Charmed.

Christine: Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.

Tony: I'm undercover, I put it there!

---

[Dan is hiding from his stalker disguised in a "borrowed" nun's outfit]

Christine: [not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.

[Dan starts to speak up, but changes his mind.]

Dan: [high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.

Christine: Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.

Dan: Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.

Christine: Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.

Dan: Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.

Christine: I don't know where to start.

Dan: Were you naked?

Christine: No! No. We just kissed.

Dan: Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?

Christine: [perplexed] What?

Dan: Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?

Christine: [pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!

[she storms away]

Come Back to the Five and Dime, Stephen King, Stephen King [7.04]

[Dan scorns the idea of using Madame Rochelle as a medium.]

Madame Rochelle: Oh, no expert, huh? Well then, how do I know that as a child, you were called "Potato Face"?

Dan: [seizes her by the shoulders] HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? [lets go of her and composes himself] I have no idea what she's talking about.

Auntie Maim [7.07]

[about the dance marathon contestants]

Harry: Well, isn't that kind of dangerous?

Bobby Baumgarner, DJ: [into microphone] Hey, that's half the fun!

[Harry just looks at him.]

Bobby Baumgarner, DJ: [into microphone] I'll shut up now!

---

Sascha Minkoff: You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.

Dan: Oh? What happened to him?

Sascha Minkoff: He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.

[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]

Dan: What were you doing?

[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]

Dan: [shocked] My god, that would generate forty-eight pounds of pressure per square inch!

Sascha Minkoff: Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Branded: Part 1 [7.09]

Judge Casement: Who's Fielding?

Dan: I am, Your Honor.

Judge Casement: Get your butt up here and state your grievance. [Dan takes the stand.] Briefly, very briefly.

Dan: [stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!

[pause]

Judge Casement: You may elaborate.

Dan: He comes offers me a great job. I should have suspected immediately, but he distracted me with the couch money there. He tells me his partner's son is in jail, makes him sound like an altar boy, so I decided to get him out before some biker starts calling him Baby Cakes. Well, before I find out he's a walking crime wave, it's too late. Honest.

---

[after his opening statement]

Dan: [whispering] How'd I sound?

Harry: Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.

Branded: Part 2 [7.10]

[Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]

Roz: You're broke, aren't you?

Dan: You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.

---

Dan: Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.

Judge Casement: Are you suggesting I'm unfair?

Dan: You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and you took as character witnesses people who don't even know me.

Judge Casement: They were all women you slept with.

Dan: That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.

Judge Casement: I'll take that into account. Anything else?

Dan: Yes. I would very much like to thank my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.

Roz: Beats sitting here listening to Harry.

Dan: I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson and Mr. Wood for teaching me a very valuable lesson. You see, all of my life, I wanted to be rich and important like you. As a kid back in Louisiana, I used to wear a necktie while slopping hogs. I would pretend that the miserable beasts were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All these years, I kept dreaming, and then suddenly, I had the opportunity to become one of you. To my own surprise, I said no. Because when I really looked at you for the first time, I realized that you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even any better than the pigs.

Amore or Less [7.12]

Harry: Women'll drive you screwy if you don't know how to handle them.

Tony: You've had a lot of experience, Judge?

Harry: Me? Me? Women are drawn to men in powerful positions like mine. Drawn. Yeah, if I had a dime for every woman.

Dan: You could make a phone call.

Harry: Yeah, but it'd be a long phone call.

Futureman [7.14]

Christine: Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.

Harry: Why was that?

VHK-937: [in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!

Dan: [mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

---

Dan Fielding: [running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?

Christine: [deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.

Wedding Bell Blues: Part 1 [7.15]

Christine: Oh, I can't believe I did such a stupid thing. I got married in an Italian restaurant! What could be more idiotic?!

Dan: Well, a chicken-and-waffle joint comes to mind.

Still Another Day in the Life [7.22]

Harry: I find you guilty of harassment, and might I add, if you're hungry, go to a restaurant, for criminy's sake, or a grocery store, but leave that poor bird alone!

[Cut to the defendant: Wile E. Coyote]

The Blues of the Birth [7.24]

[Christine is in labor in an stuck elevator]

Roz: I got a feeling we're getting close to showtime, sir.

Harry: Is there room for a person to lie down in there?

Dan: A full grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera. [Harry and Roz look at him] Just an estimate.