Night Court (season 7)
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If I Were a Rich Man [7.02]
- Dan: Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.
- Roz: How do you know that?
- Dan: A little birdie told me.
- Christine: Dan, you heard that from Bull!
- Dan: All right, a huge bald condor told me.
- Christine: Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?
- Dan: [grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?
- Harry: So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?
- Dan: Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.
- Harry: He took you to the cleaners, huh?
- Dan: [slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.
- Harry: How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?
- [Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]
- Harry: Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.
The Cop and the Lady [7.03]
- [after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
- Tony: I'm looking for Fielding...
- Dan: IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
- [He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
- Christine: Eat mace, bozo!
- Tony: Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]
- Harry: You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
- Tony: [still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
- Christine: Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
- Tony: I'm undercover, I put it there!
- [Dan is hiding from his stalker disguised in a "borrowed" nun's outfit]
- Christine: [not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
- [Dan starts to speak up, but changes his mind.]
- Dan: [high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
- Christine: Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
- Dan: Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
- Christine: Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
- Dan: Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
- Christine: I don't know where to start.
- Dan: Were you naked?
- Christine: No! No. We just kissed.
- Dan: Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
- Christine: [perplexed] What?
- Dan: Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
- Christine: [pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!
- [she storms away]
Come Back to the Five and Dime, Stephen King, Stephen King [7.04]
- [Dan scorns the idea of using Madame Rochelle as a medium.]
- Madame Rochelle: Oh, no expert, huh? Well then, how do I know that as a child, you were called "Potato Face"?
- Dan: [seizes her by the shoulders] HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? [lets go of her and composes himself] I have no idea what she's talking about.
Blue Suede Bull [7.05]
For Love or Money [7.06]
Auntie Maim [7.07]
- [about the dance marathon contestants]
- Harry: Well, isn't that kind of dangerous?
- Bobby Baumgarner, DJ: [into microphone] Hey, that's half the fun!
- [Harry just looks at him.]
- Bobby Baumgarner, DJ: [into microphone] I'll shut up now!
- Sascha Minkoff: You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.
- Dan: Oh? What happened to him?
- Sascha Minkoff: He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.
- [Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]
- Dan: What were you doing?
- [She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]
- Dan: [shocked] My god, that would generate forty-eight pounds of pressure per square inch!
- Sascha Minkoff: Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?
Attack of the Mac Snacks [7.08]
Branded: Part 1 [7.09]
- Judge Casement: Who's Fielding?
- Dan: I am, Your Honor.
- Judge Casement: Get your butt up here and state your grievance.
- [Dan takes the stand.]
- Judge Casement: Briefly, very briefly.
- Dan: [stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!
- Judge Casement: You may elaborate.
- [after his opening statement]
- Dan: [whispering] How'd I sound?
- Harry: Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.
Branded: Part 2 [7.10]
- [Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]
- Roz: You're broke, aren't you?
- Dan: You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.
- Dan: Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.
- Judge Casement: Are you suggesting I'm unfair?
- Dan: You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and accepted witness testimony from people who didn't even know me.
- Judge Casement: They were all women you slept with!
- Dan: That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.
- Judge Casement: I'll take that into account. Anything else?
- Dan: Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.
- Roz: Beats sitting here listening to Harry.
- Dan: I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that... you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.
- Christine: Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.
- Harry: Why was that?
- VHK-937: [in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!
- Dan: [mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!
- Dan Fielding: [running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?
- Christine: [deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.