Shameless (American TV series)/Season 10

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Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

Season 10

[edit]

We Few, We Lucky Few, We Band of Gallaghers! [10.01]

[edit]
Tami: Hi. Who are you supposed to be today?
Liam: Frederick Douglass.
Debbie: Liam, sausage and eggs. Grab a plate.
Liam: I don't eat the white man's swine.
Debbie: Huh?
Tami: Pork.
Frank: [Reaches for plate] I like swine.
Debbie: Hey! [Slaps Frank's hand with spatula]
Frank: Ouch!
Debbie: Only kids under 12 eat for free. Everybody else pays.

Kevin: Don King, right?
Liam: No, Frederick Douglass.
Kevin: Who?
Veronica: Author, orator, escaped slave.
Kevin: Oh, you two studying him in your "being black" class?
Veronica: Yep, we are up to The Civil War.
Liam: Reconstruction is next.
Veronica: Have to cover the Emancipation Proclamation and the defeat of the slave-owning traitor Robert E. Lee at the hands of black soldiers who fought and died to save America for the white man.
Kevin: I always thought Robert E. Lee was some sort of great general. Racist shithead.
Liam: But don't he have statues?
Veronica: Statues all gotta come down.
Kevin: What the hell is that?
Veronica: Chitlins.
Liam: Chitlins?
Veronica: Pig intestines.
Liam: Really?
Veronica: We gotta eat what our ancestors ate if we're gonna understand what they sacrificed for us.

Frank: [Looking at budget chart] Why can't I get a couple of hundred bucks of my Fiona money now?
Debbie: Fiona didn't leave you any money, Frank. She left money for the family, and she left it under my control because she knows I'm the only Gallagher that wouldn't waste it on frivolous, stupid things. [Referring to chart] I've divided Fiona's $50,000 into three categories: 30,000 for essentials, 20,000 for savings.
Frank: Savings?! What the hell for?!
Debbie: We need a rainy day fund, Frank. Anytime you're around, it's pouring. After I take care of all of the essentials, whatever's left goes into the discretionary fund with money divided equally for each of us, you included, unfortunately.
Frank: Doctors?
Debbie: Yep, and dentists.
Frank: What's wrong with the ER? It's free.
Debbie: The ER is not free, Frank. You just don't pay your bills.
Frank: Garbage disposal, home repairs. Taxes? What's this 600 bucks you've already taken out of my nonexistent discretionary money?
Debbie: 600 bucks, new couch.
Frank: There's nothing wrong with our couch.
Debbie: You spent the last six months dribbling your broken leg juices and piss all over it.
Frank: It's perfectly fine. It's just The cushions need plumping, that's all.
Debbie: Yeah, we're getting a new couch, and it's coming out of your share.
Frank: Oh, no, it is not.
Debbie: Yeah, it is. All right, I gotta go to work now, you know, that thing people do to make money to support their children. You might want to wash those clothes. You smell like a sushi restaurant dumpster on a hot day.

Lip: She wants to have sex all the time. All right, three times last night and again this morning.
Brad: No hemorrhoids or problems with the mucus plug?
Lip: What's a mucus plug?
Brad: You'd know if you'd had a problem with it.
Lip: You know, I never thought I'd be complaining about having this much sex.
Brad: Enjoy it while you can. Cami didn't want me to touch her for months after Miles was born.
Lip: Oh, that's the thing, she's so fucking nice to me all the time. You know, it's all honey, sweetie. She called me boo this morning. I mean, it's "alien abduction movie" creepy. I don't like it.
Brad: It won't last. Once the baby's born, with the sleep deprivation, the postpartum craziness, and Tami being kind of a bitch, it's gonna be a rough ride, my friend.
Lip: Is that valves?
Brad: Hmm, and rings. Cami's making a list of stuff she thinks you still need to buy before your baby gets here.
Lip: Oh, come on, man. Really? Wha- what about all the shit we got at the baby shower? The expensive stuff nobody around here can afford to give at a shower.
Brad: It's a fancy breast pump, baby video monitor that connects to your phone, some Scandinavian car seat-stroller combo thing.
Lip: I grew up around a ton of kids. I never had any of that shit. You know, Frank wouldn't even buy us diapers half the time. He'd tape garbage bags around us, hose us off in the backyard before bedtime.
Brad: Really?
Lip: No, but close.

Kevin: I'm that guy now, that pathetic old guy that no one guards because he can't make a basket.
Veronica: You're not old-old, honey, but every athlete slows down a bit. Maybe you just need to change up your game.
Kevin: Has Brady slowed down? No, he just won the Super Bowl last year. Tiger Woods? No. He won the Masters.
Tommy: Those guys are freaks of nature pampered and coddled by an army of trainers and nutritionists.
Kermit: Not to mention the performance-enhancing drugs.
Tommy: Brady doesn't use performance-enhancing drugs.
Kermit: Uh-huh, sure he doesn't.
Tommy: Look, you can't compare yourself to professional athletes, Kev. Hell, I ran a 5.2 40 in high school, and now I can barely finish a 5K.
Veronica: Or touch your toes.
Kermit: [Chuckles] Did you run a 5K?
Tommy: Well, I didn't say I ran it. There was some walking involved.
Veronica: And an Uber.
Tommy: It's testosterone. Men lose one percent every year after the age of 30.
Kermit: Really, one percent?
Tommy: You never had any to begin with, so don't worry about it.
Kevin: It's not me. It's my shitty shoes.
Tommy: Your shoes?
Kevin: Yeah, all the players are wearing Kobes and Jordans and LeBrons. [Turns laptop around] This is what I need right here.
Tommy: [Whistles] $350?
Kevin: Impact cushioning and instant responsiveness plus easy entry.
Tommy: That a shoe or a fat hooker?
Veronica: Absolutely not.
Kevin: But, V, my old shoes are fucking up my shitting rhythm.
Veronica: It's not the shoes, honey. You're just getting old. You just said I wasn't getting old. For $350, you old as shit, Bernie Sanders old, Harry Belafonte old.
Kevin: Well, I'm still buying 'em.
Veronica: Not with our money, you're not.
Kevin: It's my money too.
Veronica: We're on a budget, Kev. What do you suggest we skip this month, food or electricity?
Kevin: All right, fine. You don't want to help me reclaim my manhood, that's just fine. Then I'm gonna earn my own money, and I'm gonna buy these shoes.

Sleep Well My Prince for Tomorrow You Shall Be King [10.02]

[edit]
Mickey: Ugh! Get the fսck off me!
Ian: What's your problem?!
Mickey: I'm sick of the smell of goddamn mayonnaise. It's like getting screwed by a bowl of potato salad every morning.
Ian: It's the only lube we have in this shithole.
Mickey: Well, it makes me wanna gag every time you come near me.
Ian: Oh, yeah, 'cause you taking a shit every night at 8:15 is a real fսckin' bed of roses.
Mickey: At least my shit gets flushed, unlike your coleslaw-smellin' dіck.
Ian: Can't be 8:30, can it? Or seven o'clock? No, Mickey has to shit every night at the exact same time. That's annoying.
Neighboring cell inmate: Shut up!
Mickey: Is it? Is it as annoying as the way you lick your finger every single time you turn the page of whatever faggoty-ass book you're reading? Okay. "My name's Ian. I can't turn the page like a normal human being. I have to put my whole goddamn paw in my mouth."
Ian: You know what? If you actually knew how to read, maybe you'd understand, not, "Look at these fսcking [Mickey displays gesture] squiggle-dings all over this piece of paper!"
Neighboring cell inmate: Every morning, the same shit! man: You're like old women!
Neighboring cell inmate: I came to prison to get away from my parents.
Mickey: Eat my cornhole, cocks!
Neighboring cell inmate: Not if it smells like mayonnaise.
Mickey: Exactly! [Buzzer blares ]
Guard: Let's go! Line it up!
Ian: Hey. I wanna see the warden about getting a new roommate.
Guard: What is this, fսckin' summer camp? [Shoves Ian aside] Get your ass to breakfast!

Debbie: [Calls outside bedroom door waking Frank, Mikey and Carl] Asses up if you want coffee!
Carl: [Groans] You start bonin' dudes while I was away at school?
Mikey: Occasionally, if the mood strikes.
Carl: I was talkin' to Frank.
Frank: Can't two grown men share a bed together without it being sеxual?
Carl: No. [Answers phone] Go for Carl. Yeah, yeah, it's still available. All right. I'll send you the address.
Debbie: Stinky, dirty, wet! [Dumps laundry on floor] Wash your own shit! You both owe me rent money.
Frank: Oh, come on.
Debbie: Thirty-seven bucks a night, plus five if you'll be showering.
Frank: What about Carl?
Carl: I'm selling my military gear to get some cash.
Debbie: Electricity, gas, and water for the month is 48 bucks. Let me know if you'll be eating here. I have various meal plans available.
Mikey: You don't need to pay rent, Frank. You're the patriarch of this family.
Carl: He is? ( scoffs )
Debbie: I'm keeping the coffee warm for ten minutes. Then I'm dumping it.
Mikey: [Scoffs] Little Red Riding twɑt needs to understand who's boss around here.
Frank: Me?
Mikey: [Softly] Yes, you.

Carl: [Walks into Liam's bedroom playing a bluesy rendition of the national anthem and turns off stereo]
Carl: What's going on?
Liam: Trying to figure out who I am, what's my identity... Dr. King, Dr. Dre?
Carl: [Laughs] Maybe you should set your sights lower, you know, like Tyga, Nelly, or maybe one of the Wayans brothers. Or Lester Holt.

Buyer: You Carl?
Carl: Who's asking?
Buyer: I answered an ad on Craigslist. Lookin' to buy some military gear.
Carl: It's all right here.
Buyer: Cool. You take 75?
Carl: Ad said 100.
Buyer: [Sighs] I figured I'd try.
Carl: Figured I'd walk away.
Buyer: Wait, no, no, no. Here, here. It's fine. Hundred bucks. It's all there. I promise. I'm starting ROTC in the fall. I gotta train this summer.
Carl: Mm. So what got you interested in becoming an officer? Went down to the recruiting offices, played them shoot-'em-up video games?
Buyer: [Chuckles] Something like that. Can I have the bag?
Carl: What, the recruiters make you think you're gonna become this officer, big war hero, leading men into battle?
Buyer: I don't know. Maybe. I guess.
Carl: They tell you that you could be one of the very few, make a difference, that you could do something your life, change your destiny? Hey, might even become a general one day.
Buyer: My mom's gonna start worrying if I don't get home soon.
Carl: You know that's a bunch of horseshit. They don't want guys like us to enlist as officers... You know, guys from the South Side, guys who aren't very smart, kinda slow. They're just trying to fill their quota, getting us hooked on the thrill of the kill. Then they spit us out when we can't handle quantum physics or even read.
Buyer: I can read.
Carl: And then they leave us on the side of the road with the taste of blood in our mouths, and what do we do? We enlist as grunts. And while they get all the medals and cushy postings up in Japan and Germany, where are we, poor boys from disadvantaged backgrounds like you and me? Somalia, Fallujah, that's where. And then when we finally get sent home, it's in a body bag. Not me. Not Carl Gallagher. No, thank you. I ain't no one's human shield.
Buyer: Can I just have my money back if you're not gonna sell me the shit? [Carl throws backpack at buyer's chest]

Frank: [In bath] Only thing left in these Oxy bottles is dust.
Frank: You have a toothbrush I can use, Frank?
Frank: They're communal. Just grab one.
Frank: The fսck is that? How 'bout we head over to that Russian bakery and snag some of those muffin samples for breakfast, huh?
Frank: No can do, partner. We gotta hit the streets, do some work.
Frank: What? Why?
Frank: You heard Debbie. Rent money.
Mikey: You're not seriously gonna do what she told you to do, are you?
Frank: That girl's got a serious dose of her mother's crazy DNA. We come home with empty pockets, she may cut our tіts off.

Which America? [10.03]

[edit]
Veronica: [Before flashback sequence] Were you just looking at my ass? I know you were just looking at my ass. You saying you wanted to know what happened last week on Shameless. Mm-hmm. Right. Sure you were. Nasty.

[Liam walks to house and opens front door]
Sue: Come in!
Addie: Get that Cuban outta my house!
Sue: Addie! Don't be rude. You have a guest. She's harmless. Just Alzheimer's mixed with full-blown racism.
Liam: Hi, I'm Liam. I come in peace, ma'am.
Addie: Liam? What kind of name is that? Guatemalan? Get his Guat ass outta here!
Sue: Sorry, maybe this isn't a good time for her.
MaVar: Hello?
Addie: Who's that?
MaVar: It's me! MaVar! Your favorite great-nephew! [Laughs] What's up, little lady? Yeah! Hey, got you some doughnu- [Jerks doughnut box away as Addie reaches for it and hands it to Sue] Ah. There you go. Who's this little tyke?
Liam: I'm Liam. Monica's son.
MaVar: Who's Monica?
Addie: Whοre.
Liam: She was the half-sister to Omar's cousin.
MaVar: [Chuckles] You're Frank Gallagher's boy. Yeah, uh, listen. You're not welcome here, Liam. You gotta understand that Frank and Monica wronged this family 20 ways since Tuesday. I mean, sued Addie for a loose handrail on the porch; opened credit cards in all our names; stole our Chevy Malibu; made meth in the bathroom upstairs.
Liam: No, I get it. But I'm just the only black person in a house full of crackers. But that's not on you. Thank you for your time. [Laughs]
Addie: Whοre.
MaVar: Hold up. A black man in need is a black man in need. [Sighs] I see you. And you need guidance. A Sherpa... someone like me.
Liam: Holla that.
MaVar: Nope. That's- no holla. Never holla. Now, just sit your ass down.
Liam: Yes, sir.

Anne: [Carl walks up to her in parking lot oblivious to long line outside restaurant] I mean, take your time. Business meetings can start late. That's professional.
Carl: I'm sorry. I got held up at the ATM. You know, I couldn't get my breakfast sandwich. My morning's all fսckеd, and I'm hangry-
Anne: Shut up and check out that line, son. [Carl glances] All asking for tartar sauce. Drove up new business. I underestimated you. You have game.
Carl: It was easy. Middle school was having a field day. You know, three-legged-races, egg toss shit. You know, it was like taking candy from a baby. Well, here's your cut, partner. Thank you, partner.
Lori: Yo! I got a line forming in here that's longer than my grandma's tіts! Clock in, pirates!
Carl: Sorry, Lori. Yes, master.
Anne: Have fun deep-frying sh¡t in trans fats.
Carl: Oh, I will. Jealous?

Frank: [Walking out of bank] Debbie used my real Social Security on a bank account?! Have I taught her nothing?!
Mikey: Don't be so hard on yourself, Frank. Look, we've all had accounts frozen by the IRS.
Frank: What was she thinking?! I haven't used my real Social since draft-dodging in '69.
Mikey: [Starts inserting bank card into ATM] Well, you can lead a horse to water, but if the camel's an idiot...
Frank: What are you doing? No, don't- don't- don't- don't- do-!
Mikey: [Groans] I figured I'd give it a shot! It ate the card!
Frank: [Ranting into ATM camera] God dammit! You think this is funny, don't you, you little robot nerd in there! [Starts kicking ATM] You and your big bank Big Brother and paving the way for automation! This is horse shit!

A Little Gallagher Goes a Long Way [10.04]

[edit]
Debbie: [Holds up KFC bucket of cash to Frank sleeping on family room floor with Mikey on the couch] My pinto, Papa.
Frank: That's our money, Debbie.
Debbie: It was your money until you and La Cucaracha over here stole all my shit. Now it belongs to me, along with anything else you receive for the rest of your silly, little life.
Frank: That's bullshit.
Debbie: And I'm taking the rest of the cash Fiona left into buying a car, something tangible you guys can't squander.
Frank: I can see you're emotional. Let's just- I am as cool as a mοtherfսcking cucumber. Thank you for your contribution.
Frank: [Coughs] What the hell? You- you got dialysis.
Mikey: I'm not 100 percent, Frank. [Frank puts hand on Mikey's forhead] I dreamed about my death last night.
Frank: How'd you die?
Mikey: Infected port. My father was there. He was shaking his head. He was disappointed. I let him down.
Frank: How?
Mikey: What more could he possibly want from a son? So many things. He worked like a dog, my dad. He had a little shoe repair shop. He'd make keys. His dying wish was that I'd become... a real businessman.
Frank: [Stammers] You wan- you wanna be a businessman? Let's make you a businessman. Rise and shine, my pal.
Mikey: I- I can't.
Frank: You can't? You think Lee Iacocca ever said "I can't"?
Mikey: Yeah. Didn't he die?
Frank: [Laughs] I rest my case. Come on. [Starts pulling Mikey off couch] Okay, good.
Mikey: Oh, shit.
Frank': One more.
Mikey: Oh! [Grunts] Fսck 'em.
Frank: Hey!
Mikey: I'm dizzy.
Frank: I am too.
Mikey: I'm dizzy, Frank.
Frank: Here's your shirt.
Mikey: Get my back.
Frank: I got it.

Liam: [To Debbie at kitchen table] I thought you already had a job.
Debbie: I do. Well, I did, but we're on strike. And when you're on strike, you don't get paid. So now, I'm looking for another job.
Liam: What's a strike?
Debbie: An excuse not to work until management agrees to pay you more and work you less.
Lip: [Kicking beer bottles while entering kitchen with Freddie] Fսcking Frank.
Debbie: But the Union still wants us to walk around for four hours a day with a sign, chanting shit.
Liam: [Referring to picket signs behind Debbie] Is that what those are for?
Debbie: Yeah. [To Lip getting milk products out of fridge] Hi.
Lip: Hi. There we go.
Liam: Hey, no more fake boob?
Lip: What? No, no, no. That thing really made an impression on people, huh?
Debbie: Boobs will do that.

Frank: [In a city park of downtown financial district] Well, here we are.
Mikey: What does this have to do with being a businessman?
Frank: If you're gonna go into business, the first thing you're gonna need is capital. Wait. Today is your lucky day. Me and my friend here, we're the wish granters. So, if you really want your wish to come true, you're gonna wanna give that coin to me. But only if you want the wish to come true.
Mikey: Really?
Frank: Absolutely. That's why we're here. Scrape up all the coins in the fountain so we can make all the wishes come true. What do you wish for?
Mikey: My dog Steve ran away. I wish he'd come home.
Frank: Well, put food in his bowl, 'cause Steve will be home before you know it.
Mikey: Thank you!
Frank: Make a wish.
Mikey: Nah, I don't believe in stuff like that.
Frank: Make a wish. What can it hurt? Plus, we're just gonna wade in and get it. [Plops in coin] You wish you were a businessman?
Mikey: Yeah.
Frank: Too bad. You should have wished for a new port. Oh, well. See those guys over there? These squares. Expense account, healthcare. Look at that breakfast burrito, size of a baby. [Chuckles] Those guys are suckers.
Mikey: I wanted to be like them. I went to college and everything, job...
Frank: No, shit?! You went to college?! Me too. Northwestern. Malcolm X. Good school. Community college, but... What happened?
Mikey: I told you what happened. I bought a Blockbuster video store with my pop, lost everything, the muffler shop, the car, the house. My father committed suicide.
Frank: Shit. That sounds... depressing. But today's a new day. You wanna be a businessman? You gotta think like a businessman.
Mikey: I have no idea what that means.
Frank: It means we're gonna need some new threads.
Mikey: Ooh.

Lip: Hey.
Sarah: Hey, Lip. Hi.
Woman: I actually started boiling some cabbage.
Paige: You're new. What's your name?
Lip: Uh, me- Lip. I got a baby, uh, boy.
Paige: Welcome. This is a safe space.
Lip: Thank you.
Gina: Totally. Does your wife work or...
Lip: Oh, no, we're- we're not married, actually.
Paige: Good.
Lip: Um. Yeah, she's still in the hospital, um...
Paige: Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Lip: A C-section. Uh, there were some complications.
Paige: Hope she makes it.
Lip: Yeah, she's, uh- she's out of ICU. She's getting better.
Paige: Poor thing. Can I bring you dinner?
Lip: No. Thank you, though. That's very nice.
Paige: You sure? Yeah, yeah. No. I'd be happy to.
Gina: You don't want that dinner. Woman can't warm up a Hot Pocket. Let me give you my number in case you need anything. :Lip: Anything. What's your number?
Paige: My number is: I like anal.
Lip: Hey, whoa. Thank you, Paige.
Sarah: Okay, why don't we get started? We're here because being a new parent is hard. Being a new parent while trying to stay sober- Harder than my dіck at a Bublé concert. Point is, as a sober mother myself, I know what you're going through. All you wanna do is drink a fifth, house a lasagna, and hide in a dumpster until that baby stops crying. [Sniffles] Sarah: And that's why we're here, to learn how to raise strong, independent children, and to take care of ourselves. I have three beautiful children, and last week, I read a book.
Lip: Wow.
Gina: You fսcking kidding me?
Paige: How do you have the time?
Sarah: You know, Paige, I put myself first. That's how. In the words of Gandhi; "fսck everybody". Self-sufficient children are happy children.

Megan: [At a grocery store] Debbie? It's Megan.
Megan: Oh, shit. Hey. Last time I saw you, you were getting dragged out of D-Hall. [Scoffs] Assholes. What's that green thing?
Megan: That's a mango.
Debbie: That's what a mango looks like?
Megan: Yeah. Hmm.
Debbie: Who are all these kids?
Megan: They're mine.
Debbie: All of 'em?
Megan: Yeah, you know, it's different baby daddies.
Debbie: Oh, my gosh, damn. How do you afford to feed 'em all? You marry rich?
Megan': I got a good lawyer. It's child support, and all the fathers contribute.
Debbie: Really?
Megan: Some more than others, obviously. So, like, the more they give me in child support, the better clothes I get for the kid.
Debbie: Huh. No shit?
Megan: Yeah, that's why Moesha is wearing Ralph Lauren, and is Chip is wearing shit from Goodwill.
Debbie: Huh.
Megan: Chip, you get what Daddy pays for. Is this Franny?
Debbie: Yeah.
Megan: Hey. What's going on here with these clothes? Is Derek, like, a deadbeat dad?
Debbie: No. I mean, he offered to pay child support, but he wanted partial custody. So I said "No."
Megan: Shared custody is a godsend. It's a free babysitter. Let him have the kid one night a week. That's when you go out. You bust out your humps. You go to a bar, and you get that pie cream.
Debbie: Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
Megan: You gotta earn that sperm. A sperm deposit is a bank deposit.
Debbie: Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
Megan: Either way, I would definitely revisit the Derek situation. Milk him for everything you can get. Thanks. Oh, my God. Look at that fine-looking Jew. You know that man has a good job. I gotta go.
Debbie: Okay, good seeing you, Megan.
Megan: Come on. Come on.

Carl: Hi. I'm taking up a collection to place fresh flowers on great Aunt Addie's grave. Would you like to make a contribution?
...
Mavar: Hey, wait up. Hey, man, I saw what you did back there. Collecting money for fresh flowers? I want you to know I respect that a lot. You know, I know a good florist who can get us a bunch of flowers for a good price.
Liam: I'm keeping this money.
Mavar: What? Why would you do that?
Liam: I need it.
Mavar: So do the people who gave it to you. You lied to them. Look, I- I been nothing but nice to you. Welcomed you with open arms. Don't you get it? We're family. But it's like the nicer I am to you, the nastier you get Why?
Liam: I don't know.
Mavar: You don't know. What, you gonna tell me you can't help it? It's in your nature or some bullshit like that? No. I can't believe I wasted a single second on you. I believed in you. You're part of our family, and because of that, we would do anything for you anything. And you just spit in our faces. Don't you get it? Family is everything! And you finally get the chance to have one, and you just throw it all away. Well, you know what, Liam? Fuck you! [Walks away]
Liam: [Jabs pointing finger] There it is. I knew it. You are from the South Side.
Mavar: [Softly laughs and walks back] You think I like saying stuff like that? I don't curse. I hate saying things like that. Oh, well. I hate Gallaghers, man. You motherfuckers bring out the worst in everybody. What, you proud of that?
Liam: Hey, man, I know who I am.

Mikey: Smells like money.
Frank: [Laughs] That's the food Money sandwiches with money gravy on top. Richard Sears and Alvah Roebuck used to sit at a table right over there where they decided to build the Sears Tower.
Mikey: No shit.
Frank: And Mayor Daley talked Ford into building the Lawndale assembly plant over ice-cold martinis right there at that table right there. Rumor has it a couple of Polish hookers were thrown in to seal the deal.
Mikey: Amazing.
Frank: And right back there in that corner, eight Chicago White Sox decided to stick it to old man Comiskey by throwing the 1919 World Series 'cause they were all underpaid.
Mikey: Good for them.
Bartender: How can I help you gentlemen?
Mikey: Two Jack Daniel's, please.
Bartender: Yes, sir.
Mikey: Ah, wait. Make that Gentleman Jack.
Bartender: Very well, sir.
Frank: Uh, I don't have quite enough change to pay for that.
Mikey: It's on me.
Frank: Why, thank you, Mikey.
Bartender: Here you are.
Mikey: Thank you.
Frank: Ooh, yeah. Cashews? The fillet of the nut family.
Mikey: Yes, please. You know, I saw someone with a T-shirt the other day that said, "Life is good." And I thought "Is it?" Not if you live in Syria or Venezuela. Well, after today I saw how good it can be. I wanna keep living.
Frank: [Chuckling] Glad to hear it. That's good. Toast. To friendship. [Glasses clink]
Mikey: Hmm. I'm gonna miss you, my friend.
Frank: Miss me? Where you going?
Mikey: I need a new port. This one's really infected.
Frank: How bad is it?
Mikey: I can't feel the right side of my torso.
Frank: Let's just go back to the vet. Let him pour some more alcohol on it.
Mikey: It won't last. You know, I can't keep doing this emergency backstreet healthcare no more. I can't I can't live life worrying about my kidney every single day, wondering when I'm gonna need dialysis again or a new port. It's too stressful for me.
Frank: What are you saying?
Mikey: [Exhales] I'm going back to prison. I can get free healthcare from real people doctors.
Frank: Prison?
Mikey: With the best healthcare this country provides for poor people.
Frank: Fancy whisky.
Mikey: Yeah. It'll be my last drink for a while not made from cleaning fluid and raisins.
Frank: Sorry, Mikey.
Mikey: [Quietly] Yeah. It's good. Good.
Mikey: Thanks, Frank. I mean it.
Frank: Mikey, wait. We can figure this out.
Mikey: Frank.
Frank: We'll get jobs.
Mikey: Nobody's gonna hire us.
Frank: Well, then we'll save up so that you can get dialysis every week.
Mikey: Ha. That's not gonna happen! We're gonna spend all the money on booze.
Frank: I'll stop drinking.
Mikey: Don't be ridiculous. If it'll keep you outta jail Frank, I appreciate it, but I'm sick. I can't do the hustle no more.
Frank: Do you think it's coincidence that we found each other twice? I can take care of you. When we find half a slice of pizza in the dumpster or some uneaten fries on a table at McDonald's, I think to myself, "Hope Mikey's hungry. "When you were getting dialysis, I prayed. [Voice breaks] I actually prayed.
Mikey: [Hugs Frank and walks away] I really hope that my last day on Earth is with you, my friend. Don't never stop drinking, Frank [Chuckles] Don't ever stop drinking.
Frank: Can I at least call ya a cab?
Mikey: No, thanks. I got a ride. Ha! [Both grunts]
Frank: Hmm?
Mikey: [Walks up to police officer] Officer? Hi. [Punches him in face and gets arrested]

Sparky [10.05]

[edit]
Lip: [On phone] Hi, how's it going?
Tami: I dropped him in a pile of beer bottles. Broken glass everywhere. Franny's giving him mouth-to-mouth, but it's not looking good.
Lip: That why he's screaming?
Tami: He's screaming because he's a baby, Lip. Bye. [Hangs up and makes a totally unimpressed face]

Lip: Hey. How was prison? Turn you gay?
Ian: Yeah, I'm a big ol' cock hound now. You know, if you weren't my brother, I'd-
Guard: Shut the fսck up and get out here.
Lip: It's crème brûlée, actually. Got one of these vape things from Carl. Trying to quit smoking for Fred.
Ian: Aren't those things worse for you?
Lip: Yeah, you know they market these to kids, you know? Bastards would have one in Fred's hand if he could hold anything bigger than a rattle.
Ian: Where is the little guy, huh?
Lip: May or may not be lying in a pile of glass. Huh? He's with Tami. She wanted to take care of him alone today.
Ian: Oh. Sorta hoping you'd bring him.
Lip: Yeah, I would have felt better if I did. Tami's not exactly a natural caretaker. But, hey, what do you wanna do, huh? Wanna get some White Castle or...
Ian: Ah, you know, actually, just want to head home, see everybody, meet the kid. I missed everyone.
Lip: Soft bitch.
Ian: The fսck you got a lady car?
Lip: Well, it's Tami's car. It's kinda cute, though, right?
Ian: Oh, we're saying words like, "cute" now, are we, Pops, huh? Yeah, we're saying words like "cute."

Tami: Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.
Kelly: [Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?
Carl: [Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.
Kelly: What's with you and JLo?
Carl: Who, Anne?
Kelly: Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?
Carl: 'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Kelly: Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!
Anne: [Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.
Debbie: Can Amalia still watch Franny today?
Anne: Yep.
Debbie: Cool. [Tami throws a soiled diaper into trashcan and all exclaim]
Liam: Ew!
Tami: Oh, grow up, you guys. We all poop.
Debbie: Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
Frank: I've done it. It's closer to the washing machine. Just drop that dirty sucker in there. One of ya hits wash eventually.
Carl: Hey, what's with the backpack?
Frank: It's for carrying things, genius.
Debbie: It's Franny's. If I find any sеx or drսg paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.

Adios Gringos [10.06]

[edit]
Pepa: [Debbie enters Alibi Room and sits at table of Pepa] Where's Franny? I can't wait to see her. Derek loved her so much.
Debbie: Cut the bullshit, Pepa. Derek didn't give two shits about Franny, and neither do you.
Pepa: What? I can't wait to see how she's grown up. I mean, with a genius like you for a mother, I'm sure she'll be able to read by the time she's 15.
Debbie: I know what you're doing.
Pepa: What am I doing?
Debbie: You think I'd rather lose my fair share of Derek's death benefit than let you have Franny. Joke's on you, bitch. Franny will be there tomorrow on time as scheduled. And, as per our agreement, I want my check posthaste. And I'll want Franny to call me "Mom."

Guard: Hey. Where you think you're going?
Inmate: Just taking the infirmary biowaste trash to the truck, like always.
Guard: Not today. Budget crunch. Biowaste truck service and a whole bunch of other shit cancelled immediately.
Inmate: So what you want me to do with all this medical waste then? This shit deadly, boss. Even the AIDS in this thing got AIDS.
Guard: Just dump it in the incinerator. Call it a day.
Inmate: Incinerator?
Guard: Yep. Burn all that shit up. I'll escort you over there.
Mickey: [Bangs loudly in wheelie bin] Hey, there! Get me the fսck outta here! [Guard opens wheelie bin to discover Mickey who holds up syringe] Found it.

Liam: I don't keep money in there anymore, Frank, not after last time.
Frank: You kids got any formal wear with soul? All of this stuff looks like the garb of a colonizer, and I got a follow-up with the Okafurs. Aha. A little cultural awareness on my side of the table can't hurt. Are you busy today?
Liam: I'm gonna help Todd edit his highlight reel-
Frank: So no. Congratulations. I hereby appoint you the Gallagher special diplomatic envoy to Nigeria. Your first duty: help me sell a baby.

Lip: [Walking with Tami pushing Freddie in a stroller] Hey, you think maybe we went a little overboard? I mean, well, it is summer.
Tami: Well, I guess I could take off the parka.
Lip: Yeah.
Tami: Okay.
Lip: All right. What? What? No, I'm-- I'm happy we're doing this together.
Tami: Me too.
Lip: All right. There they are. They're gonna hate me.
Tami: What? Why did I agree to this again?
Lip: Hey, look, you'll be fine. All right? I'll make the intro, then I'll take off. You can connect mom-to-mom. You know, just... share your mom stuff. [Lip greets other woman of support group and introduces Tami to them]

Carl: You mad at me or something?
Anne: No. Mad at myself for crushing on you.
Carl: You have a crush on me?
Anne: Calmate, (Take it easy) past tense.
Carl: Why?
Anne: Um, Kelly?
Carl: Yeah, but having Kelly around just made me realize how much I like you. We're keeping it strictly business from now on. And we gotta get out of your house.
Anne: You were only being nice to us so you could get in my pants.
Carl: Where will you go?
Anne: I don't know.
Carl: Our block is still crawling with ICE dudes. Sent a couple tios (uncles) over there to check it out, and they got picked up. Might have to live on the streets for a little bit.
Carl: Like, be homeless? Anne, come on. We'll be fine.
Anne: What's going on?
Man: He says we can't sell here no more. Okay?
Thug: [Speaks Spanish] This is our corner. Other tamale business must stop immediately. I'm asking nicely for now, but next time it'll be alot less friendly.
Anne: [Speaks Spanish] This is our corner. So I think you better go back to whatever rodeo you escaped from before you piss me off for real. [In English] Okay? [Thug's other compadres show up and demolish the tamale stand]
Anne: Hey! Stop it! Let me go!
Carl: Come on, tactical retreat. Live to fight another day.

Citizen Carl [10.07]

[edit]
Ester: Oh, thank goodness you're here.
Carl: I know you?
Ester: No. This bus stop is so dark. Yeah, a couple of streetlights are out. Have been ever since my Emeril was still alive.
Carl: Really?
Ester: Hmm. He passed in 2002. Oh. I'm Ester.
Carl: Carl. I'm not usually out this late. Was celebrating my birthday.
Ester: My sister got me this.
Carl: Oh, wow. That's really nice.
Ester: [Chuckles] I'm 75 years young today.
Carl: Holy shit! Oh, I'm sorry.
Ester: Oh, don't worry. I can swear with the best of them too.
Carl: [Bus stops by] Oh, you need a hand?
Ester: This isn't my bus. I'm a number 15.
Carl: Oh. You go. Sure?
Ester: Get the fսck out of here! [Both laughs] See? What'd I tell you? Nice to meet you, Carl. Take care.
Man: Your purse!
Carl: Stop the bus! That woman's getting robbed! Ester!
Bus driver: Not a chance. Call 911 if you want.
Carl: Come on, stop the bus!
Woman rider: Shut up.
Carl: [Gunfire erupts] Hey, let me out! Open the doors! Oh, hey! Come on!
Woman rider: Sit down. Come on!
Bus driver': I ain't stopping, man. I have a schedule to keep.
Carl: Ester...

Lip: Why isn't he a teenager yet who can just feed himself? You know, maybe we can get him one of those, uh, you know, gerbil bottle things. You know, rig it up to the side of his crib.

Frank: Keep your wet dreams to yourself, son.
Carl: Saw an old lady get shot at the Ashcroft bus stop last night.
Frank: Who hasn't been shot at that bus stop?
Carl: I wanted to help her. It happened so fast. Bus driver wouldn't stop.
Frank: If you made ten bucks an hour, you wouldn't stop either.
Carl: You know, the streetlights were out.
Frank: We have streetlights?
Carl: Yeah, she said they were out for the past 15 years.
Frank: No surprise there.
Carl: Why doesn't the city fix them?
Frank: [Chuckles] Oh, that's adorable. Can I wear this tank top?
Carl: That's not a tank top.
Frank: It will be now.

Pepa: Debbie Gallagher, come get your kid!
Debbie: Hey, Pepa. What's going on? Supposed to pick her up tonight.
Pepa: Yeah, well, here's your demon child. She set my couch on fire, ate a pound of raw hamburger meat, and bit off the tip of my son's middle toe.
Debbie: Oh, my goodness. That does not sound like my sweet Franny bear at all.
Pepa: Cut the horseshit, Debbie. You know, you're the worst mother on the planet. You don't think that's kind of cruel?
Debbie: No, I don't think.
Pepa: Here's your death benefit money. I never wanna see you or your Children of the Corn daughter ever again.
Debbie: Don't be a stranger, Pepa! You're welcome back for dinner sometime!
Lip: Hey, what was all that about? And who is this?
Debbie: Derek's wife, Pepa, tried to screw me out of Derek's death benefit, so Bella over here was pretending to be Franny so I could get my share of Derek's money.
Lip: I followed none of that, and I'm too tired to care.
Debbie: Here. Hi! Come here. Good girl. Right there. Bella! We're not at Pepa's house anymore. We don't eat like animals here. Spoon.

Mickey: This everything?
Sandy: As much as I could find.
Mickey: Hey, anybody, uh, kind of...brown come around the house looking for me?
Sandy: No.
Mickey: Good. How is everyone, anyway?
Sandy: [Laughs] Same. Your brothers are idiots. Least once a week, one of them gets drunk, crawls into my bed, and tries to get something off of me. Fսck 'em, chop their nuts off next time they try it. Or I could stay here with you. Have fun like we did when we were kids. [Grabs his crotch]
Mickey: Jeez! You know that's messed up, right?
Sandy: Not like we're related.
Mickey: We are totally related. We're fսcking cousins!
Sandy: And you're gay.
Mickey: Fine, whatever.
Ian: Plus, he's taken.
Sandy: Oh, right, you.
Ian: Yeah, good to see you too, Sandy. Bathroom's all yours.
Mickey: Hey, I had shampoo and sh¡t. Is there soap anywhere?
Sandy: You've been gone for years. You think your brothers would save that shit for you?

Debbie Might Be a Prostitute [10.08]

[edit]
Lip: Oh, and one of us has to go to the store today and get more diaper cream 'cause his rash is now halfway up his back.
Tami: Oh, yeah. Talk dirty to me. [Laughs]
Lip: Wait. Wait. You said it's worse than yesterday.
Tami: What?
Lip: Fred's rash.
Tami: Uh, no, it's fine.
Lip: Hey. No.
Tami: His ass is fine. And your ass is fine. [Giggles]
Lip: Yeah. It's just--sorry. It's just, the new daycare says they can't take him if he's sick.
Tami: It's diaper rash. It's not the bubonic plague. All babies have diaper rash.
Lip: Okay. [Tami giggles] Mm, maybe we should get it checked out, though.
Tami: [Groans] Lip.

Lip: [Sighs] Well... I mean, we need the cash so we can afford daycare. Doesn't that seem a little ass-backwards?
Tami: No. Ass-backwards is the Gallagher method, where the next-oldest kid just keeps kind of a vague eye on the rest of the herd.
Lip: Well, it's free.

Officer: Ian Gallagher? Mikhailo Milkovich?
Ian: Yeah, I'm Ian Gallagher. Can I help you, Officer?
Officer: Got some bad news for you. Your PO was found dead this morning. Paula's dead? Fell out of a third-floor window. Detectives want you both to come down to the station today, make statements.
Ian: Why? We don't know anything about that.
Officer: Whenever a PO dies, detectives interview all the parolees, especially if the death was suspicious.
Ian: Suspicious?
Officer: Well, people usually open a window before they jump out it. See you at the station. Bring Milkovich.

Ian: [In backyard lane] Mickey? Mickey! Hey, come on out. Cops are gone.
Mickey: The fսck they want?
Ian: Paula's dead.
Mickey: [Chuckles] No shit. Is it Christmas?
Ian: It's not funny. Someone threw her out a window.
Mickey: You kidding me? That's extremely funny. There's, like, a fսcking verb for that.
Ian: I- I'm serious, Mickey. They want us to go into the station for questioning. You know anything about this?
Mickey: Nah. fսck, no. I didn't kill her. Wait. Do you know something about this? No. That what you're telling me?
Ian: Of course not.
Mickey: Got it. Good strategy.
Ian: Wait, what stra- I- I didn't kill her.
Mickey: Little bit, you did, though.
Ian: No. Not little bit. I did zero murdering of my PO last night, Mickey.
Mickey: Okay.
Ian: I'm not the one who came home late without any sort of explanation.
Mickey: I did explain. I was with my dad.
Mickey: No. You didn't explain why you were with your dad.
Ian: Exactly. Okay, so, to be clear, you didn't kill her, or, you know, you "didn't" kill her"?
Mickey: Why are you putting shit in weird fսcking air quotes?
Ian: Because I didn't fսcking kill her.
Mickey: Okay. Me neither. We both know what we know we know... that we know. [Mickey starts walking away]
Ian: What the fսck does that mean? Hey. Where you going?
Mickey: [Scoffs] Wouldn't you like to know?
Ian: I- I- I would. I would like to know!

Claudia: [Opens hotel door to Debbie] Debbie? Hey.
Debbie: Uh... I was just wondering why you gave me this last night.
Claudia: Oh, I'm sorry. Was it not enough? Here, come in. Come in. Just, um- my wallet's right over there. Just take whatever your rate is. I wasn't sure.
Debbie: [Closes door and scoffs] Claudia, I don't have a rate. I'm not a prοstitսte.
Claudia: You're not? Why were you sitting with all the prostitutes, then? You know, they call that hо Corner.
Debbie: I did not know that. [Chuckles] I just met you, and I thought I liked you.
Claudia: So I was a freebie?
Debbie: No, you weren't a freebie, because you're not a john and I'm not a prοstitսte. I just thought we hit it off.
Claudia: Oh! Well, I thought we had a connection, too. So this is a misunderstanding?
Debbie: Big mistake. Huge.
Claudia: Great. Um, I have to get to work, but can I take you out on a proper date later?
Debbie: Sure.

O Captain, My Captain [10.09]

[edit]
Mickey: [Gets off from Byron's motor scooter] Oh, hey. Why don't you get out of here? I'll call you later. [Grabs his rear and waves him off]
Ian: Who's that?
Mickey: Byron. Cute, huh? Super tight asshоlе.
Ian: [Mickey walks past him into house] You're a top now?
Mickey: Verse. Who knew?

Tami: [Pulls open shower curtain of Lip ablutions] Hey, you seen this? Jesus! It's the hospital bill. Childbirth, emergency surgery, ICU...
Lip: How much?
Tami: Thirty-six hundred.
Lip: Wow.
Tami: That's after insurance. I mean, how are we gonna pay this? [Hands Lip a towel and he sighs] Here.
Lip: That's easy. We're not. We already brought him home. What are they gonna do? Take him back?
Tami: Well, they delivered our baby and saved my life.
Lip: Yeah, and that was their choice. They didn't give me the option of leaving Fred in the oven or letting you die on the operating table.
Tami: So you would've let me die?
Lip: I mean, if I knew it was gonna cost us four grand...
Tami: ...yeah, maybe. [Chuckles] Look, we have to pay this.
Lip: Tami, no, we don't.
Tami: Isn't not paying your bills stealing?
Lip: No. Charging us money while your life is on the line, that's extortion. Right? Hmm. We're, uh, Robin Hooding, you know? We're stealing from the rich, giving to the poor.
Tami: You're not Robin Hood.
Lip: Yeah, but I'm poor.
Tami: So, what, so you steal stuff?
Lip: Sometimes.
Tami: Like what?
Lip: [Chuckles] I don't know. It's a long list.
Tami: Okay, well, like, uh, food from the grocery store?
Lip: Yeah, like food from anywhere.
Tami: Money?
Lip: [Sigh] That a real question?
Tami: What-cars?
Lip: No. But, uh, never say never.
Tami: Wow.
Lip: "Wow" what?
Tami: No, you're just... exactly the role model I always wanted for my kid.

TV news reporter: Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
Oopie: [Setting down bowls of cereal] Here you go. A proper breakfast. The sugar in this cereal will kill you. In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you before your diet does.
Ian: Ah. Ah.
Carl: Was that Mickey this morning?
Ian: Yup.
Carl: Where's he been?
Ian: With a twink named Byron.
Carl: Twink?
Ian: You know, like Ms. Del Rey's kid. Yoga pants and glitter. Eh, not always. But yeah, sure.
Liam: So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people?
Ian: No. But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Carl: Shit. You're fսckеd, dude.
Ian: Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults. It'll be fine.
Tami: [Comes in door with Lip] Hang on to your wallets, everyone. Lip is here.
Oopie: Oh, there's my gorgeous niece. Prettier- mwah- than Megyn Kelly and smarter too. Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream. Megyn Kelly? A blonde news host.
Liam: She thinks Santa's white.
Carl: He's not?
Liam: No.
Oopie: Yes, honeybun!
Lip: Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning?
Ian: Mickey.
Liam: He's dating a twink now.
Lip: Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh?
Ian: I- I didn't leave him at the altar.
Liam and Lip: Yes, you did.
Ian: I mean... It was City Hall. We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
Oopie: You made the right decision. Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
Tami: What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
Tami: No. The air smells...clean.
Liam: Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
Lip: Enjoy it while it lasts. He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? [Sets do Freddie in kiddie pen] Oh, there you go.

[A video recording justice court judge plays while Frank is asleep tied down to a bed]
'TV justice judge: Frank Gallagher, the court reduces your charge to a misdemeanor and sentences you to 30 days in rehab. The deviant thug who tried to steal this bright young man's future, Kyle Holmes, I hereby sentence you to 45 years in prison. Sentences you to 30 days in rehab. Forty-five years for possession. Thirty days in rehab. Forty-five years....
Faye: [Turns off TV] Good morning. Do you need a diaper change? Please let me go. As soon as you admit what you did to my poor Kyle.
Frank: I told you, I don't remember who Kyle is.
Faye: Liar.
Frank: Maybe if I had a drink. I'm a lot more lucid when I'm drunk.
Faye: Sounds like a lovely idea.
Frank: Is that a Balvenie? Thirty year? [Claudia then begins to pour out bottle on floor] Don't! Oh, don't! Don't! Don't! No, please, don't do that!
Faye: Tell me what you did to Kyle.
Frank: Do you have any idea how many millions of brain cells I've destroyed since the '90s? I'm so sober right now, I can't even make anything up!
Faye: Tell me the truth!
Frank: I don't remember! I don't! I'm sorry, but I don't. [Breathes heavily]
Faye: You really don't remember?
Frank: I swear. Please.
Faye: Then I'm gonna have to make you remember.

Claudia: [On the phone] Bring your chastity belt, Jerry, because I am going to fսck everybody who had anything to do with this shit show of a deal, starting with you! [Debbie wakes up and Claudia sighs, leans in to kiss her] Oh, I'm sorry, pussycat. Did I wake you? [Chuckles] Mm. Ugh. My lunch has turned into a teleconference with Dubai. Can I impose on you to do me a favor?
Debbie: Of course. What?
Claudia: Great. Um, can you pick Julia up after school?
Debbie: Julia?
Claudia: My kid. Oh. Did I not tell you about her?
Debbie: [Laughs] No. [Claudia chuckles] But that's cool. I didn't tell you about my kid either. Franny. She's four.
Claudia: [Walks to Debbie and turning around for her to do up her dress back zipper] Oh, God. They are so perfect at that age, aren't they?

Now Leaving Illinois [10.10]

[edit]
Debbie: [At her vehicle] I understand we all have busy lives. Sometimes you miss an episode for the little things in life, like a heart transplant or a multiple murder in the family, but there should be no damn reason on Earth that I have to tell you what you missed last week on "Shameless." Hmm. [Gets in her vehicle]

Debbie: [Sets down plate for Claudia] Here you go. An omelet with... Oh. Asparagus, mushrooms, and cheese from a goat. Sounds weird, but it's actually pretty good.
Claudia: You're amazing.
Debbie: [Scoffs] It's just an omelet.
Claudia: It's beautiful. You're beautiful. I love having you around. I love being around.
Julia: [Walks by naked] Gonna hop in the shower. Sounds good, honey.

Mickey: Jesus Christ. You're never gonna fix the fսcking thing, Byron. No one that rides a Vespa can fix anything.
Ian: Something happen to your little bike thingy?
Byron: Yeah. It's a Vespa, and... it stopped working all of a sudden.
Ian: Oh, weird.
Mickey: What the hell are you doing here?
Ian: I came to drop off some of the stuff you left at my place.
Mickey: That it?
Ian: And I was hoping that we could talk. In private.
Mickey: You know, anything you got to say to me, you can say in front of the... love of my life, Byron.
Ian: Mickey. Okay. It was a mistake coming. [Turns to walk away]
Byron: Yeah. Hey, Ian, you want to come check out a show tomorrow? [Ian turns to walk back]
Mickey: Jesus Christ. Read the fսcking room, Byron.
Ian: Show?
Byron: Yeah. It's the Imperial Mammoth. I don't know if you've heard about them. They're- they're, like, my favorite band right now.
Ian: Wait. Wait, yeah, yeah. They're the, uh, the hipster shit with the suspenders and the- the harp and all that, huh? Yeah, you're going to that?
Byron: I can get you on the list, too. I mean, I don't know if you need a plus- one or whatever-
Mickey: Nah, no. He don't need a plus-one. Trust me, he's got a lot of, uh, what'd you say, "personal work" you needed to do before you'd be ready to play the field?
Ian: No. No. Uh, actually, I just took a page out of your playbook and attached myself to the first swinging dіck I saw. We barely know each other, but, pfft... man, it has been a fairy tale so far. It's actually why I came here is, uh... Looks like we both moved on, so no reason for things to be awkward, right?
Mickey: Congrats.
Ian: Yeah, it all happened so fast, but when you know, you know. Right?

Guidance counsellor: Sit down. We don't have current proof of residency on file for you.
Liam: So?
Guidance counsellor: So... how are we supposed to know you ain't committing fraud so you can go to this school?
Liam: You think someone would commit fraud to attend this shithole?
Guidance counsellor: My job is tied to how much paperwork is completed and how many files are current, so if your dad, Francis Gallagher, could just bring us a copy of his valid state-issued ID.
Liam: [Scoffs] He doesn't have a valid state ID.
Guidance counsellor: Okay, then copies of two utility bills in his name. All right, then he's gonna have to come in and sign this form attesting to his residence. If we don't get this, I'll have to remove you from school while we investigate this as a fraud case.
Liam: A vacation from this school? What's the downside?
Guidance counsellor: Any student removed from school triggers an automatic review by CPS. See the downside of a month or two in a state-run group home?

Location, Location, Location [10.11]

[edit]
Mickey: [Before flashback scenes] Ah, you wanna see what happened last week? No, no, you know what? Fuck- Get outta here. We're not tellin' you sh¡t. Go- go, go, go.
Ian: Jesus, Mick.
Mickey: Shoulda watched the last time.

Terry: [Pacing around outside Gallagher residence] Mickey! I know you're in there, you fսck¡n' homo! Hey, Mick, You faggy fɑggоt! You're never gonna marry that Gallagher queer, you hear me? Mickey!
Ian: Hey, your dad's here.
Terry: Hey, you want a Pride parade?! Yeah. How 'bout I slice off your pansy dicks and stick 'em on a fսcking float?! [Mickey walks out door] I got a little conversion therapy for you! You suck a dіck, you die.
Mickey: Would you shut the fսck up?! You're annoying the shit outta everybody!
Terry: Well, if it isn't the little shirt lifter. Just want you to know- you marry a man, Imma put a fսcking bullet in your head! Simple as that!
Mickey: Why wait, bitch?! I'm standing right here, Charlottesville. [Terry draws his firearm and Mickey draws his] Oh, look at that- we must shop at the same gun show.
Terry: The fսck happened to you?!
Mickey: You know what they say- the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!
Terry: It does if it lands on a dіck!
Mickey: Aw, please, stop. I get it, all right? You're proud a me.
Terry: You must really love cock.
Mickey: I definitely love one.
Terry: Don't say I didn't warn ya, cocksmoker. [Walks past Mickey, shoulder bumping him]
Mickey: Good talk, Pops.

Ian: So when you moving to Milwaukee?
Lip: I don't know.
Ian: You don't sound very excited about it.
Lip: Yeah, well... it is Milwaukee. Free house, though, right? Yeah, I mean, it's a nice house. Nice neighborhood. Yard. Well, damn. Jackpot. Saw an actual birdhouse with birds in it. Uh, not drսg. Birds.
Mickey: Morning.
Ian: So, how's your dad? You know, don't think he's gonna be my best man.
Lip: Hey, what's up, punk? Ready for school?
Liam: Can't go to school until Frank signs a form.
Lip: What form?
Ian: That says I live here.
Mickey: Just drop out. I can't drop out. I'm ten.
Lip: Give it to me. I'll sign it.
Liam: Gotta be a parent.
Lip: I can fake Frank's signature.
Ian: So can I.
Mickey: Same here.
Liam: School says that he has to sign it in person.
Ian: Well, you know where Frank is?
Liam: Living with some lady up in Glencoe. He drives a Rolls Royce.
Lip: Unbelievable!
Ian: Oh, good for him. Anyone want to go with me?
Lip, Ian and Mickey: No.

Frank: [To support group] Thanks, thank you. Thank you. I just wanna say, before I go, this last month has been a great journey and one I couldn't have survived without all of you. Thank you. Thank you. [Support group murmurs] Um... I found myself alone in the woods on a snowy night, and there came a fork in the road... one, a path that led to addiction. The other...path also led to addiction, but I turned the sleigh around, and it has made all the difference. Wha-W-Walt Whitman has always been a personal favorite of mine. Anyway, I'm outta the woods, and I hope you all will join me there. I love you guys! Good-bye. [Laughs] Gimme five! Thank you, thank you! [Repeatedly] I love you... I'll see you all again!

[Kevin and Veronica are walking past empty location with Kevin stopping to cup hands aside head and peer in]
Veronica: What are you doing?
Kevin: This place is for rent. We should call the number, check it out.
Veronica: Why would we do that?
Kevin: Because I need a thing.
Veronica: You have a thing.
Kevin: I need a thing. And it's right next door.
Veronica: Why?
Kevin: [Sighs] Oh, I'm finally comin' to terms with the fact that I'm never gonna play in the NBA.
Veronica: You were never gonna play in the NBA.
Kevin: Well, not now, V, because I'm retiring from basketball. I would think you'd be a little more compassionate.
Veronica: We have so many other things to be thankful for.
Kevin: Oh, like what?
Veronica: You own a bar, you have a hot wife and two beautiful girls.
Kevin: Okay, that is good. But where do I go from here, V? What is the next chapter of my life? Is there even a next chapter? Or is this just... it? Dry cleaner.
Veronica: What?
Kevin: We could open up a dry cleaner. No. Mattress store.
Veronica: Uh-uh.
Kevin: Think tank.
Veronica: What the hell is a think tank?
Kevin: It's where people sit around and think.
Veronica: That's The Alibi.

"Gallavich!" [10.12]

[edit]
Liam: Mickey's the bride?
Ian: Nope. Groom.
Liam: So you're the bride.
Ian: No. Also a groom.
Liam: Who's wearing the white tux?
Ian: Mickey.
Carl: Take your meds yet?
Ian: Yes.
Carl: Gonna be a stressful day.
Ian: Got it.
Carl: You picking those up?
Ian: Yeah.
Carl: Frank walking you down the aisle?
Ian: Grooms, remember?
Liam: Is he coming?
Ian: God, I hope not.
Liam: He's in Glencoe.
Ian: Great. I hope he stays there.
Lip: Hey. I gotta go out for a bit. You take your meds yet? It's gonna be a stressful day.
Ian: Yes. First thing.
Lip: All right. Hey, we gotta meet at the Bamboo Lotus at two for photos.
Ian: Okay. Got it.
Carl: Hey, how much did these tuxes cost?
Ian: Um, Mickey rented them at some fancy place downtown.
Lip: Where's Mickey getting all the money for this?
Ian: Savings, he says.
Liam: [Scoffs] "Savings"?
Flashback Mickey: [Bursts into a room full of underwear-clad women in a drug operation] On the floor, mοthеrfսckеr!
Ian: I don't really wanna know.
Liam: Father Pete marrying you?
Ian: Father Pete's Catholic. Pope won't let him marry gay people.
Liam: But Father Pete's gay. Lives in the rectory with the organist with the nipple ring.
Carl: Wait. The organist at Saint Sebastian's got a nipple ring?
Ian: Reverend Sally's doing the ceremony. She's Episcopalian. They'll marry anybody.
Mickey: [Referring to shoes Liam is holding] Yeah, those are nice, right?
Liam: Mm-hmm. [Mickey and Ian kiss]

Liam: [At bathroom door with Carl brushing teeth] You get them anything for the wedding?
Carl: Yeah. Edible boxers.
Liam: Not very imaginative. I wanna get them something special, but no money.
Carl: You can go in on the boxers with me. They got a honeymoon car?
Liam: What's a honeymoon car?
Carl: A car you take to your honeymoon. Eh, they'll probably just stay at the Love Canal for the night, take a bus or something. [Sits on toilet] Hey, you might wanna... Mm-hmm. I'm gonna take a deuce.
Liam: Yep.

Franny: [Repeatedly] Dress.
Debbie: No, sweetie. Hey, the wedding isn't till this afternoon, okay?
Franny: Please, Mommy. Now.
Sandy: What is she on about?
Debbie: She wants to wear her flower girl dress again.
Sandy: Why the hell not? She's only gonna wear it once.
Debbie: [Chuckles] Okay, sweetie. Go on.
Franny: Yay!
Debbie: Uh, so... about last night.
Sandy: Mm. [Sirens wailing distantly] Yeah. [Both chuckles] Cool. So... We gotta be at the Bamboo at nine for the flower delivery. And then the caterers are delivering the chairs and shit at ten.
Debbie: So... You think your uncle's serious about shooting Mickey?
Sandy: Serious as a heart attack. But he probably won't do it at the wedding. Too many witnesses. [Answers phone] He'll wait till Mickey's alone somewhere or walking to the L or... Holy sh- shit.
Debbie: What?
Sandy: It's on fire!
Debbie: What's on fire?!
Sandy: The Bamboo Lotus! It's on fire! Dude, it's on fսcking fire!
Ian: Fսck is going on?! Debs.
Sandy: [Bursts out front door with Debbie, Ian, Mickey and Carl observing into smoke billowing in distance] Oh... fսck.
Carl: What the hell's going on?
Debbie: What is that?
Sandy: The Bamboo Lotus.
Mickey: What?
Carl: The wedding place?
Sandy: It's on fire.

Ian: [Following Mickey is walking out of house with shotgun] Mickey!
Mickey: Terry Milkovich! You fսcking pig fսckеr!
Ian: Mickey!
Sandy: Jesus, Mick!
Mickey: I'm coming for you, you son of a bitch! What the fսck, Sandy?!
Sandy: Give me the fսck¡ng gun, Mick! [Mickey fires off a shot that shatters van rear window]
Ian: Oh, shit. Ow! Shit!
Mickey: Fucking...
Ian: Get the cuffs. You done? No! You gonna make me hit you again?
Mickey: Fսck you, Gallagher!
Ian: Now are you done?
Mickey: Yeah. Yeah. Shit.

Kevin: Come on, Milo. Push that 60. There you go. Gotta work off that avocado "kumbacha" smoothie or whatever the fսck you drink. Jasper, are you kidding me? Can you go slower? Full rotations, man! Do you want your name under Pussy of the Day? Is that what you want, Jasper?
Man: Is it safe if I [w:Tesla motors|park my Tesla out front]]?
Kevin: Hell no, it ain't safe, Homer. This is the ghetto, man. Get in here and grab two kegs and give me 30 curls now.
Arlo: You Kevin?
Kevin: The fսck do you think?
Arlo: Lorne sent me.
Kevin: So? [Man retches in can] Way to go, Oscar. Puke is pride.
Arlo: I wanna join. Uh, you take Amex?
Kevin: "Amex." Cash only! $50 per session up front, plus another $40 for the T-shirt. ATM is right there.
Man: You're out of spring water.
Kevin: I am? All right. Grab a sledge. Start working the wall. Willem! Get off the damn phone! If I see you on that thing one more time, it's going in the puke barrel. You hear me, fat boy?! Harder, Milo! Come on, man. Get it up.
Veronica: What do you have them doing over there?
Kevin: Bashin' a hole in the wall to connect the gym to The Alibi.
Veronica: How long's that gonna take?
Kevin: Ah, with my pasty propeller-heads swinging the hammers, twins'll be grandparents first, but I'm gonna finish the rest myself later.
Tommy: What the hell are you doing?
Kevin: Making natural spring water. My Keggers love to hydrate.
Kermit: You don't sterilize the bottles first or anything?
Kevin: No. Fսck those Facebook assholes. They need the germs, strengthen their oat milk-drinking immune systems.
Kermit: What is oat milk?
Veronica: The extra watery shit that sits on top when you make oatmeal.
Kevin: Hey, V, can you get me some more of those $2 black T-shirts from Walmart and cut the sleeves off?
Veronica: Sure. So this Keg Zone stuff is actually working?
Kevin: I got 20 fully paid Keggers already. Plus, I'm starting an online thing where you can do it at home.