Shameless (American TV series)

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Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

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Season 1[edit]

Season 2[edit]

Sumertime [2.01][edit]

Lip: [Showing a couple of brochures] What the hell is this?
Ian: It's a mission packet.
Lip: To West Point?
Ian: You're going through my stuff now?
Lip: Ian, you just graduated the tenth grade!
Ian: I wanted to see what it would take to get in.
Lip: What, to West Point? You're kidding me? You're actually serious about this shit?
Ian: Well, I was in ROTC for two years, so what do you think Lip?
Lip: I don't know, I thought it was some kind of stupid fucked up adolescent phase, I mean you really want to get your ass shot off in some-some Stan somewhere?
Ian: Stan?
Lip: Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan...
Ian: I guess I'm a patriot!
Lip: Fuck.

Summer Loving [2.02][edit]

Dottie: Eat shit, Frank.
Frank: Well I-I would, but I recently went vegan.

Karen: [to Lip] Stop talking about my boyfriend and fuck me.

I'll Light a Candle For You Every Day [2.03][edit]

Dottie: You don't love me.
Frank: You're kinda growing on me.

Debbie: You okay, Daddy?
Frank: Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.
Debbie: I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.

Fiona: Hi.
Purse owner: Hey. What's up?
Fiona: I feel bad somebody swiped money.
Purse owner: Yeah?
Fiona: Yeah, I thought...
Purse owner: Oh, please, like I don't know you took it.
Fiona: What? No.
Purse owner: Come on, you stole my goddamn money. Admit it.
Fiona: I did not.
Purse owner: Of course you did. You're a skanky, ghetto trash, hood girl.
Fiona: Like you're all high and mighty because you moved and have a Louis Vuitton?
Purse owner: Which you fucking swiped.
Fiona: Which you were stupid enough to leave on the El.
Purse owner: Bitch.
Fiona: Oh, you're the bitch. Okay? I came here to be nice, but forget it now.
Purse owner: Fuck you.
Fiona: Oh, eat me.
Purse owner: Whore.
Fiona: Slut.
Purse owner: Asshole.
Fiona: Cunt.
Purse owner: Off to steal another fucking purse?
Fiona: Finders keepers, losers weepers.
Purse owner: Fuck you!
Fiona: Fuck!

A Beautiful Mess [2.04][edit]

Frank: Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.
Kev: You're lucky that's all that happened to you. Cartoons-- whole head explodes.

Carl: I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.

Lip: What, are you freebasing lycopene now, you worthless piece of shit?
Frank: Why you got to be such an asshole?
Lip: Apple fell where you dropped it.

Little Hank: Wanna see how fast I can unhook your bra?
Holly: I don't wear a bra, runt.

Father's Day [2.05][edit]

Jody: Karen, your dad is dead.
Karen: Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

Frank: [to Lip] The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.

Frank: That's the Gallagher sperm: ambitious, relentless, everything we're not once we're born.

Fiona: [to Debbie] Put the top back, no more playing dress up. Hymen stays intact.

Can I Have a Mother [2.06][edit]

Kevin:Hey, listen, about the bathroom....
Veronica:Nothing happened in the bathroom.
Kevin:Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.
Veronica:What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.
[Sheila tinkles her glass]
Sheila: Quiet, please.
Jody: Quiet, everyone.
Sheila:I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.
Jody:That's right, Mom.
Man 1: Hear, hear.
Sheila:Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.
[Karen mouths to Lip] What the fuck are you doing?
Sheila:People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.
Peggy:Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?
MAN 2 & WOMAN: Oh.
Sheila:And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.
[Whole party guests murmur]
Karen:Okay, Mom, let's open presents.
Peggy:Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?
Sheila:Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?
Peggy:No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.
Karen:Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.
Sheila:She called me a Wacker Drive whore.
Frank:Let them work it out.
Sheila:And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.
Peggy:Shut up, you batty bitch.
Sheila:You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!
Peggy:I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]
Kevin:Shit! Shit! No!
Sheila:Do it! Do it!
[Jimmy rushes forward and deflects Peggy's gun hand upwards and the gun discharges into a smoke detector]'
Partygoer:Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people

Frank: Eat me. I say eat me. I'm done taking your shit, you got it? I am a grown man, this is my family not yours. You're a piss poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison. You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now.
Peg: Good for you, it's great to get that stuff out. Feel better?

Fiona: [to Frank, regarding Peg] It's tough, huh? My parents suck too.

Debbie: Are you looking for the Sunshine Adult Daycare? It's up at the church.
Peg: Honey, only time I wanna go to the church is if I feel like getting molested.

Fiona: [to Steve] You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?

A Bottle of Jean Nate [2.07][edit]

Parenthood [2.08][edit]

Frank: [after catching Ian and Mickey together] Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended.

Fiona: [to Steve] Figure out that chick sitting on my sofa wearing your wedding ring and then we'll talk.

Carl: I don't get it. Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them?

Jody: I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk.

Ian: We've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Mickey: What fucking world you live in?
Ian: You don't... I don't want you to...
Mickey: What do you think? We're boyfriend and girlfriend here? You're nothing but a warm mouth to me.

Fiona: My job is to keep this house going. Working eight jobs, making meals, keeping everything straight! Your job is school. School or leave!

Hurricane Monica [2.09][edit]

Sheila: Sometimes when I see the word "hospice" on the screen, I pronounce it "ho-spice" in my head.

Ian: [to Frank] You haven't even claimed your mom's body from the morgue and you wanna tell me how to treat mine?

Ian: Hey! Some of us want to graduate and do something with our lives. So how about you all shut the fuck up and let me sleep?

Steve: Now I'm off to lead tiny testosterone animals to victory. Gonna warm em up and give em my best Friday Night Lights speech about hearts, eyes, or some shit.

A Great Cause [2.10][edit]

Kev: Circle doesn't start with an "S"? What the fuck?

Kev: Too many Gallaghers in the world already. Lip, now you? Instead of passing out rubbers at schools they should be passing them out at your house.

Veronica: You know, there are a lot of kids who need a home.
Kev: Fucked up foster kids like me?
Veronica: Exactly. We could build up our own army. Like Wesley Snipes. Take over the neighborhood.

Mandy: [to Ian] Wipe off that fucking look on your face. A Gallagher looking down at me, I don't think so.

Just Like The Pilgrims Intended [2.11][edit]

Karen: Fuck Mother Nature! She doesn't have to worry about her vagina getting stretched. Ow!
Jody: You were already pretty stretched out down there, Karen.

Debbie: I think I'm depressed. I've been feeling kind of funky lately.
Carl: Means you're gonna get your period soon.
Debbie: It does?
Carl: Don't wear white for a while.

Steve: Your sister's driving me crazy. I don't know what it's gonna take for her to trust me. Again.
Lip: Can you blame her? You know, you have a whole other family. First, your name was Steve, then Jimmy. You know, you disappear to Brazil. Come back married. You know, it's kind of a tough way to build up trust.
Steve: I really am trustworthy, though.
Lip: Yeah, well, you're gonna have to do something bold to prove it.

Lip: Holy shit... they're still fucking?
Steve: Sometimes it's fighting. Can't really tell the difference.

Carl: [about Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.
Sheila: I think he looks beautiful.
Debbie: What's wrong with him?
Fiona: He has Down syndrome, Debs.
Lip: Yeah, and he's Asian.
Kev: Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.
Lip: What the fuck, Karen?!
Karen: I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.

Fiona Interrupted [2.12][edit]

Fiona: [about Steve] Christ, V. I can't let him back into this madness.
Veronica: Isn't that his choice?
Fiona: Well, he thinks he wants it now. Just wait a year or two, when I have one in the oven and Frank throws up on our bed in the middle of the night or Monica tries to hang herself in the closet with an old shoelace.

Steve: You're going to be disappointed.
Fiona: Wouldn't be the first time somebody's disappointed me.

Season 3[edit]

El Gran Canon [3.01][edit]

Fiona: Frank is like scabies; you can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try.

The American Dream [3.02][edit]

Lip: When you're poor, only way to make money is to steal it or scam it, like Don King or Joe Kennedy.

May I Trim Your Hedges? [3.03][edit]

Veronica: [about Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.
Kev: She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.

Cheryl: [on Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!
Veronica: What you doing going through my shit, bitch?
Debbie: What's a dildo?

Beto: [on Estefania] You married her before God, no?
Jimmy: No, I married her before her father who had a gun pointed at my nuts. It's different somehow.

Ian: Hey, did you really fuck Angie Zahgo today?
Mickey: Yeah, I fucked Angie.
Mickey: Everybody fucks Angie.
Mickey: You don't fuck Angie?
Ian: No.
Mickey: Huh.
Mickey: You want to fuck Angie? I can call her, get her down here.
Ian: No.

The Helpful Gallaghers [3.04][edit]

Fiona: If I had to apologize for all the stuff my dad has done, I wouldn't have a voice left.

Frank: If God didn't want things up our ass, he would have given the rectum a gag reflex.

The Sins of My Caretaker [3.05][edit]

Veronica: [reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?
Fiona: Bakery guy is dyslexic.

Jimmy: It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Veronica: Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.

Debbie: [to Molly] I will totally teach you to swim. We can protect one another from city kids who hate white people!

Mickey: I don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.
Ian: He buys me stuff. Orders me room service... He isn't afraid to kiss me.

Ian: Hey, you know that guy you beat the shit out off at that club? Want me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.
Mickey: Really. Hilarious.
Ian: Can't get them himself. Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want. He's loaded. You want in? [Mickey holds up a pistol] Jesus! Use blanks, maybe!
Mickey: Can I bring my cousins?
Ian: Yeah.
Mickey: Alright. I'm in.

Cascading Failures [3.06][edit]

Fiona: [to Jimmy] I don't mean to be an asshole. It's just... genetic.

Veronica: [fostering the kids] Five Gallaghers... I'm gonna to be the lone black dot on the map of Ireland.

Mickey: My dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple of days so if you want to ditch that dump and crash at my place you can.
Ian: Was I just invited to a sleep over?
Mickey: Fuck you is what you were invited to.

Mickey: You fuck anyone in there yet?
Ian: God no!
Mickey: Wise choice. Even if you're propositioned it's probably just a set up. Guys wanna find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you. And not in a good way.
Ian: Great.

Ian: I mean, there is just no privacy. If I want to jack off I've got to do it in the bathroom.
Mickey: I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pussy you'd be in juvie.

A Long Way From Home [3.07][edit]

Jimmy: [to Fiona, after answering the phone] It's Veronica. Says she's got a dead body for you?

Judge: Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?
Fiona: We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.

Where There's a Will [3.08][edit]

Karen: I got your message.
Lip: The one where I told you to go fuck yourself?
Karen: It was nice to hear your voice.

Veronica: And who's that puking on his Timberlands?
Carl: Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.
Veronica: What the hell are you reading?
Carl: [holds up a box] Rat poison.

Fiona: You know what I want? Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the Caribbean. I want normal people problems. Like, am I getting enough fiber? Why did my friend say that insensitive thing about my weight?

Frank the Plumber [3.09][edit]

Mandy:I don't understand.
Lip:You really don't get why I have a problem with this?
Lip:Ian, do you get why I have a problem with this?
Ian:Not getting in the middle.
Mandy:Why are you being such a dick about this? Those applications are 90 pages long. It took me forever to fill them out.

[Karen walks by them in the opposite direction]

Mandy:Walk. The fuck. Away.
Lip:Wow. You're--
Mandy:What? I'm what?
Lip:You're not my mother. You're not in charge of who I talk to or who has a picture of me on facebook. And you're sure as shit not in charge of if I go to college!
Mandy:You think he's right? Men are never right. That's why women were invented, To think for you assholes.

Sheila: My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.
Debbie: It's not your fault.
Sheila: But I'm her mother.
Debbie: Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?

Mickey comes across Mandy cleaning the car.

Mickey: What did you hit?
Mandy: A girl from school.
Mickey: [pause] Make sure you check for hair behind the grill.

Civil Wrongs [3.10][edit]

Debbie: I have red hair, freckles, and crooked teeth. Don't need any more character!

Order Room Service [3.11][edit]

Ian: [After Frank takes the fall for Carl] What happened?
Lip: Hell froze over.

Survival Of the Fittest [3.12][edit]

Kev: Hey, what can I say? Once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.

Season 4[edit]

Season 5[edit]

Season 6[edit]

Season 7[edit]

You'll Never Ever Get A Chicken In Your Whole Entire Life [7.07][edit]

[Frank and Liam arrive at his school for the first day only to discover the school deserted]

Frank:Holy shit. Place is a ghost town. I think someone's in there.

[Knocks on door]

Custodian:I'm coming, I'm coming. [Opens door] What's going on? They sent out letters letting folks know the school was closed.
Custodian:Not enough kids to keep the place open.
Frank:Since when?
Custodian:Since the new private school opened up. Bourgie parents sending their kids over there now.
Frank:A private school in this neighborhood?
Custodian:A lot of new money moving into the Yards. Bunch of Richie Riches.
Frank:Where's my son supposed to go?
Custodian:Oh, they're bussing kids over to Lincoln Douglas Elementary.
Frank:That's a 30-minute bus ride.
Custodian:Not counting the stops. Probably overcrowded. Forty kids to a class, I hear.
Frank:So this private school, where is it?
Custodian:Took over the Blessed Virgin from the Dioceses.
Frank:The B... I went there. The archbishop sold it? What happened to the nuns?
Custodian:Ah, they shipped them off to assisted living. They were all a couple of hundred years old. Not enough poor kids in the neighborhood to keep the doors open.
Liam:Whoa. Oh, cool. Chickens.
Frank:Go play with them, son.
Teacher:Excuse me. Hey.
Frank:Why aren't you going to public school? Afraid of being exposed to regular kids?
Teacher:I'm sorry?
Frank:Is it because my son is poor? Or black?
Teacher:Children, let's go inside.
Frank:The public-school system is being gutted by you sending your kid to this expensive private school.
Teacher:Please, sir.
Frank:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll pay taxes to support public schools...
Teacher:Don't listen to him. Let's go.
Frank:But God forbid you or your husband, or your wife, would actually send your child to one.
Teacher:Sir, this is private property. You need to leave.
Frank: This is just the 21st-century version of segregation.
Teacher:I'm gonna call the police.
Frank:I'm leaving. Come on, Liam, let's go.
Liam:Can I have a chicken?
Frank:No, you can't have a chicken. And do you know why? Because these people don't want you to ever have a chicken. In fact, they've spent thousands of dollars a year so that they can buy up all the chickens in the whole world to guarantee that you will never, ever get a chicken ever in your whole entire life.


External links[edit]