Shameless (American TV series)/Season 7
Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.
Season 7
[edit]Longing [7.01]
[edit]- Nurse: You don't remember anything?
- Frank: [Hoarsely] I was going to a wedding. I was... wet and cold, very cold.
- Nurse: Cold saved you. Your core body temperature was under 90 degrees when the rescue team brought you in. Can I get your name, sir? You didn't have any identification on you when they pulled you out of the lake. We've got to get you admitted properly?
- Frank: I was in the lake?
- Nurse: Do you have any health insurance, sir? How long was I out? Can be a bit of a shock when you wake up from a comatose state to...
- Frank: How long?
- Nurse: Twenty-nine days.
- Frank: Nobody tried to find me? Jesus.
- Clyde: So... you did it.
- Lip: Yeah. I did.
- Clyde: How was it?
- Lip: It was pretty boring, actually.
- Clyde: Get anything out of it?
- Lip: Oh, yeah. I learned a lot.
- Clyde: Like what?
- Lip: The people in there are pretty fucked up, definitely need to quit drinking.
- Clyde: [Chuckles] That a fact?
- Lip: And I learned, uh... a lot of new clichés. One day at a time.
- Clyde: This too shall pass. Keep it simple. Do the next right thing. Let go, let God.
- Lip: They're big on clichés in AA.
- Clyde: It doesn't mean they're not true. So... can I take you to a meeting?
- Lip: Hey, you're going to meetings now?
- Clyde: No. I just said I'd take you to one.
- Lip: [Referring to cardboard substituting a vehicle window] Never got that fixed, huh?
- Clyde: [Sighs] Been meaning to take care of it. Come on. I'll give you a lift.
- Male nurse: Cough, please.
- Medical insurance accountant: Insurance?
- Frank: No. [Frank gags in pain]
- Male nurse: Cough again.
- Frank: Jesus!
- Male nurse: All done.
- Medical insurance accountant: Fortunately, the hospital offers several payment plans to help you take care of your bill.
- Frank: Can I get some more of this cherry Jell-O? It's delicious.
- Medical insurance accountant: You can handle it in two or three easy monthly payments.
- Frank: [Female nurse walks away] Hey. Some mashed potatoes. Maybe a little pudding. How much? What's that for?
- Male nurse: Time to take out your Foley. Okay, sir, it looks like it's gonna be... hold on, I forgot the respiratory therapist. Okay, here we go.
- Medical insurance accountant: No wait, pharmacy. It's not a completely accurate number, but for 30 days of ICU care, six CTs, four MRIs, urology, proctology, dermatology, skilled nursing, nutritionist, labs, pharmacy...
- Male nurse: Take a deep breath.
- Medical insurance accountant: Should be a little less than 150,000.
- Frank: Dollars? [Nurse pulls out ureteral tube] Oh! Fucking mother of Satan!
- Male nurse: All done!
- Frank: Aah! What the fuck's the matter with you?! 100 grand?! Where are my fucking clothes?! [Starts getting out of bed]
- Male nurse: Sir, you need to stay where you are.
- Frank: I am not paying you a fucking cent!
- Male nurse: That's not a good idea, sir. You need to stay for a few more days. You've been inactive for a month. Your muscles will have atrophied.
- Frank: [Gets out of bed and starts walking] Where are my fucking clothes?! [Falls down face flat]
- Lip: What's with the tattoo? [It reads "Warrior"]
- Fiona: [Chuckles] Something to remind me not to be an idiot. I was gonna get it tattooed on my forehead, but chickened out.
- Sue: You're quiet today.
- Ian: Uh... stuff at home.
- Sue: Your fireman?
- Ian: I wanted to catch a movie tomorrow, and he's having dinner with a friend.
- Sue: Oh?
- Ian: A woman.
- Sue: Oh, well... nothing to be worried about there.
- Ian: Yeah. I don't know. He was acting kind of weird.
- Sue: How so?
- Ian: I don't know, it's just a feeling, like maybe he wasn't telling the truth. You gotta trust those instincts.
- Sue: Met this guy online, started dating him for months. Turns out he was married and he had kids. I mean, can you believe that shit?
- Ian: How'd you find out?
- Sue: I stalked him on Valentine's Day when he bailed on me, gave me some sh*t about his mother having a stroke.
- Ian: Uh-huh.
- Sue: Turns out he was living this whole other life.
- Ian: What'd you do?
- Sue: Kicked his ass. I got him into bed, I tied him up, and I super glued his dick to his leg and I wrote "lying slut" on his chest with a Sharpie. [Ian laughs] And let me tell you something. That shit doesn't come off.
- Ian: He must have been pretty pissed.
- Sue: Oh, he called me a couple months later, told me he'd gotten a divorce.
- Ian: Yeah? You ever see him again?
- Sue: I married him.
- Ian: That was Joe?
- Sue: That was Joe. I guess he really liked my spirit.
- Ian: Huh.
- [Frank wheels himself into The Alibi Room]
- Frank: Set 'em up, barkeep.
- Kevin: Jesus!
- Frank: My liver's been on vacation, and I got a month's worth of drinking to catch up on.
- Veronica: Where the hell you been?!
- Frank: Hospital. They pulled me out of the lake. Must have fallen in drunk after the wedding and washed into Lake Michigan.
- Kevin: We thought you were dead.
- Frank: Nope. I'm indestructible. The doc said the cold would've killed a lesser man. But not the Frank.
- Frank: Why are you in a wheelchair?
- Frank: Temporary setback. Atrophy. I was in a coma. Can I get a beer? Hospital said nobody came looking for me. I guess you lowlifes assumed I was on a bender after unloading my oldest on that fucking junkie. [Starts having flashbacks of Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana staring into the vehicle trunk from his viewpoint]
- Carl: [Kicks Frank lying on kitchen floor] Hey. Why aren't I circumcised?
- Frank: What?
- Carl: Now I have to get it done.
- Frank: [Groans] Why the hell would you want to do that?
- Carl: 'Cause of my girl.
- Frank: It's better not to be circumcised. More feeling in the old puppy when you don't get its tail bobbed. Self-lubricating too. Hey. Be a champ. Go get my wheelchair in the yard.
- Carl: You circumcised?
- Frank: I am. I didn't have much say in the matter. I was only hours old when they cut into my manhood.
- Carl: It hurt?
- Frank: I cried like a baby. Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
- Carl: No.
- Frank: [Groans] How come?
- Carl: We were kind of hoping you were dead.
- Debbie: Oh, great. Pizza.
- Ian: Yeah, Domino's guy said it was already paid for, so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
- Debbie: Right place. I put it on my credit card.
- Ian: You have a credit card?
- Debbie: It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit. Frank's alive?
- Frank: [Grunts] Will somebody... anybody... please get my fucking wheelchair?!
- Ian: No.
- Debbie: Fuck off, Frank.
- Ian: No.
- Debbie: Six new onesies, three new pairs of shoes, and a Diaper Genie. Got a little something special for Mommy too.
- Fiona: Hey, anybody know who she belongs to? I found her outside.
- Debbie: Jolayemi? Hi, I'm Debbie.
- Fiona: Who the hell is Jolayemi?
- Debbie: My new night nurse.
- Fiona: Your what?
- Debbie: Jolayemi stays up with Franny so I can have a good night's sleep and be refreshed in the morning.
- Fiona: Mm, where'd you get the money for a night nurse?
- Debbie: I started an online business.
- [Fiona hears thumping upstairs]
- Fiona: What was that?
- Carl: Probably Frank.
- Fiona: Frank's back? Since when?
- Ian: Couple a hours ago.
- Carl: Claims he was in a coma.
- Jolayemi: This the baby?
- Debbie: Uh, yes. Franny. Francis. She's a joy, but not a great sleeper.
- Jolayemi: Does she sleep in your bed?
- Debbie: Sometimes, you know? I'm really careful.
- Frank: [Fiona starts dragging Frank down stairs] Stop... stop it! I did you a fucking favor getting rid of that junkie!
- Debbie: I keep a pillow between us so that I don't smother her or anything.
- Frank: Ow!
- Debbie: It's much easier when I'm really tired to have Franny in bed with me so that I just can just roll over and feed her.
- Frank: At the hands of that lying junkie! Stop it! No! [Fiona drag Frank to front door and he grabs onto wall corner and then loses grip] Stop! Fuck! I am a truth-teller! But you're too weak to... [Fiona sends Frank rolling down steps] ...aah!
- Veronica: Kevin, family meeting!
- Kevin: Coming! Took a little longer to get ready!
- Svetlana: Kevin!
- Kevin: [Comes down stairs wearing nothing but a stuffed pink elephant over crotch] Ready for our family meeting.
- Svetlana: This is about family finances.
- Kevin: Mm.
- Veronica: Svetlana's been going over our bills and income from the bar.
- Svetlana: Sit. Sit! We need to increase our revenues and improve our P&L immediately! You have no life insurance, 401ks, 529s, you have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecast! Our yield on gross revenues are shit!
- Kevin: I'm sorry, are- are we seriously not gonna have sex? 'Cause I kinda took a Viagra.
Swipe, Fuck, Leave [7.02]
[edit]- Lip: I thought you were living at Caleb's?
- Ian: Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
- Carl: He's bi?
- Ian: No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
- Carl: So you guys broke up?
- Ian: Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
- Carl: All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
- Lip: You sleep at all last night?
- Carl: No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
- Lip: You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
- Carl: Eyes on the prize, my brother.
- Lip: Yeah, which is?
- Carl: A blowie from Dominique.
- Lip: The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
- Carl: She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
- ...
- Kevin: What's up with mopey?
- Lip: Ah, boy trouble.
- Ian: Girl trouble.
- Lip: I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
- ...
- Veronica: Get a restraining order on his ass.
- Fiona: That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
- Veronica: Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
- Fiona: Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
- Frank: Good morning, my wasted sperms.
- Kevin: Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
- Lip: Why don't you go away, Frank?
- Frank: Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
- Ian: Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
- Frank: Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
- Lip: Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
- Ian: Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
- Lip: Or the shame and the embarrassment?
- Frank: Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
- Fiona: Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
- ...
- Frank: Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
- Debbie: Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
- Frank: Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
- Debbie: Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
- Frank: Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
- Debbie: You can't do that, Frank!
- Frank: Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
- Debbie: Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
- Frank: You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
- Debbie: Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
- Frank: Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
- Frank: [Whispers] This is where we lowball the illegals. They got nothing over us after the work is done. Here we go, as promised, $50 each.
- Laborer: You said 100.
- Frank: How about we make it 75, and I won't have you deported?
- Laborer: How about we make it 100, and we won't murder you and the little brown boy in your sleep?
- Frank: You've jogged my memory. It... it was $100 each. I was in a coma. I- I was in the hospital. I was in a coma. I get... [mumbling indistinctly] Lucky you caught me.
- Fiona: You got restaurant experience?
- Applicant: I've been waiting tables since I was 13.
- Fiona: Any felony convictions?
- Applicant: Nope.
- Fiona: Are you working right now?
- Applicant: The place I was at, Pelloni's, closed down. Uh, it's being turned into a Urban Outfitters. The owner here wanted to close this place down, too, but she's giving me a shit to turn it around.
- Fiona: Sounds cool. That is just the kind of enthusiasm that I'm looking for. When can you start?
- Applicant: As soon as you want me to.
- Fiona: That's great. It's minimum wage, plus shared tips. See you tomorrow at noon for training.
- Applicant: Thank you so much, Miss Gallagher.
- Fiona: Hey, Olga?
- Olga: Yeah?
- Fiona: You're fired.
- Olga: You can't fire me. I'm the only woman of color, and I will sue your ass.
- Didi: Excuse me, where's the manager? Hi, I saw your "help wanted" sign.
- Fiona: You're hired. Come back tomorrow at noon for training.
- Didi: Thank you.
- Caleb: Yo. How come you didn't come home last night or answer my texts?
- Ian: Busy.
- Caleb: Care to elaborate?
- Ian: I don't know, ask Denise.
- Caleb: Is that what this is about?! My high school girlfriend?!
- Ian: Your high school girlfriend who you fuck!
- Caleb: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?!
- Ian: I saw you with her last night!
- Caleb: You're spying on me?!
- Ian: Yeah, 'cause I knew you'd been cheating on me!
- Caleb: I wasn't cheating!
- Ian: So you didn't fuck Denise, then?!
- Caleb: Cheating would be if I sucked some guy's cock, all right?!
- Ian: So you didn't sleep with her?!
- Caleb: I didn't say that!
- Ian: Well, I'm confused!
- Caleb: How do you think I feel?! You're the one calling me a cheater!
- Ian: You still haven't answered the question! Did you or did you not fuck Denise?!
- Caleb: What's the big deal?! What's the big deal?! She's an old friend!
- Ian: Who you fuck!
- Caleb: We've been sleeping together since we were kids! Don't make this into something more than it is!
- Ian: You're taking your dick, you're putting it into a vagina! And you're telling me you've never done that before?!
- Caleb: No, I haven't! I'm gay!
- Ian: So am I! Sticking my dick in a friend's vagina doesn't make me not gay! Are you hearing this, Raul?!
- Caleb: This is why I didn't want to tell you... Because I didn't want you freaking out the way you are right now!
- Ian: Oh, gee, sorry! Hey, how should I react when you say you've been screwing a woman?!
- Caleb: I don't know! Maybe by being more accepting of your partner's normal, sexually fluid experiences, maybe by sharing some of your own!
- Ian: I don't have anything to share! I'm gay, all right?! 100% gay!
- Caleb: No one's 100% anything!
- Ian: Yeah, well, I am, all right?! So now this inexperienced vagina-fuck has got to get to work!
Home Sweet Homeless Shelter [7.03]
[edit]- Svetlana: Next time you miss Shameless, I cut off your testicles and feed it to homeless dog who lives behind Alibi. But today, you get free pass. I tell you. [Deliberately plops down drink in a sloppy manner spilling it to camera view]
- [Lip and Fiona are walking to house from opposite directions]
- Lip: Slut.
- Fiona: I know you are, but what am I?
- ...
- Jolayemi: Come on, Harriet. Sleeping time.
- Fiona: Pfft. Is she still scared of me?
- Ian: Well, she did watch you bounce Frank's head down a flight of stairs.
- Fiona: How do you say "he had it coming" in Nigerian? What are you doing up?
- Ian: Caleb won't stop drunk-texting me. Begging forgiveness? Begging, then name-calling, then begging some more. Nice sex-hair.
- Fiona: Ah, Tinder rocks. Free sex, any time I want it. No strings attached.
- Lip: Yeah, but you're female. Isn't that always available to you?
- Fiona: Maybe. But Tinder makes it simple. No confusion. No misguided weddings. Now I just bone and go so I can save my energy for more important things.
- Lip: Like what?
- Fiona: Like my job.
- Lip: Patsy's Pies? Sure you want to be directing all your freed up energy there?
- Fiona: You're one to talk. You spend all day working for free.
- Lip: Has a point. But my bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career. What? It was no offense.
- Fiona: Wow. Some taken.
- Ian: Hey. Kind of harsh.
- Lip: Only 'cause it's true.
- Ian: Are you sure about that? Working for free is called slave labor last time I checked.
- Dr. Sachs: You burst your stitches again?
- Carl: What the hell did you do to me?
- Patient: Excuse me, but he has his finger up my ass.
- Dr. Sachs: Take a seat in the waiting room. I'll be with you in a minute.
- Carl: The gonorrhea?!
- Dr. Sachs: What?
- Carl: You gave me gonorrhea!
- Dr. Sachs: Jesus. I didn't give him gonorrhea. I gave him a circumcision.
- Patient: He's a little old for that, isn't he?!
- Dr. Sachs: That's what I said!
- Carl: All right. I've seen TV. I know how you can get infections from these surgeries.
- Dr. Sachs: Why do you think you have gonorrhea? You have swollen glands? A discharge?
- Carl: No, but my girlfriend has it, and her dad wants to kill me, and the dude's a cop!
- Dr. Sachs: Okay. First things first. Let's run a test. Hop up on the table. [Holds up a swabber with Carl opening his mouth]That's not the hole it goes in. Whenever you consider not using a condom, remember this pain.
- Carl: Aah!
- Veronica: That's Kev.
- Kevin: Check it out, sister-wives!
- Veronica: We gonna ride around in that?!
- Kevin: Right? [Laughs] Whoo!
- Svetlana: You know, my tits are smaller than this.
- Kevin: Our customers won't mind. Hey, pal. Uh, topless maids that actually clean. Pass it along.
- Veronica: Where are the kids?
- Kevin: Check it out! Custom-built! Are you ready for this?! What do you think?! Is that genius or what?! They love it! They can't... Look at 'em! Look at! They love it!
- Veronica: What's that smell?!
- Kevin: That's not coming from the van. [To man] Excuse me, sir. This is a legitimate business here. [Svetlana and the man start yelling at each other with the man slapping Svetlana who then headbutts him and they wrestle on the ground with Kevin and Veronica pulling them apart] I got... I got... shit! What the fuck is going on here?!
- Svetlana: This is my father. He's staying with us for a while.
- [Svetlana is hosing down her father with Kevin and Veronica watching]
- Kevin: Why is he covered in shit, Lana?
- Svetlana: He rode into country hiding on cow freighter.
- Veronica: He can't stay with us.
- Kevin: He's covered in tattoos. Is that a penis fucking a skull?
- Veronica: Kev, he sold her into sex slavery.
- Kevin: Yeah, he can't stay with us.
- Veronica: Tell her.
- Kevin: Hey, Svet'. Yo. Uh, he can't stay with us.
- Veronica: Yeah, sorry, we discussed it, and we just don't think it's a good idea.
- Svetlana: So, we live together. We love together. We even raise babies together. But this decision we do not make together?
- Kevin: She's right.
- Veronica: We're just worried about him being in the house with the babies.
- Svetlana: Ah, he's good for babies. Sweet. He is also good behind bar. He solves bartender problem while we go out and do titty van business so we can save money for college for babies.
- Veronica: You want us to leave our bar with him? Does he even speak English?
- Svetlana: English does not matter. Make drink. Take money. Hurt people who do not pay money. I grew up in his bar. Everything I know, I learn from this man.
- Kevin: I'll go get him some clothes.
- Veronica: Don't you dare leave.
- ...
- Veronica: I just want to know how long he's gonna stay.
- Svetlana: He kept roof over my head and borscht in my bowl until I was ten years old, ready to work on corner. For this, I owe him. I also owe him the money he spent to smuggle me into country.
- Veronica: You owe him the money he paid smugglers so you could be a sex slave in America?
- Svetlana: This is land of free, home of brave. And if he had not smuggled me, I would not have met you and become happy wedded thrupple bliss.
- Kevin: She's got a point.
- Veronica: Shut up, Kev!
- Kevin: I'm just saying, if I had a dad, I would forgive a lot too.
- Veronica: You know what...
- Svetlana: Enough! We strip now. Pimp, watch babies.
- Local man: Hi. Uh, sorry, but, uh... can you move your van? I live right over there, and I have some little kids who are about to come out and play in the yard.
- Kevin: And?
- Local man: And, uh, your van is very graphic. It's porn, really.
- Kevin: Oh, thank you. Those are my wives.
- Local man: Well, lucky you.
- Kevin: Mm-hmm.
- Local man: Uh, my wife... I just have the one... Highly emotional woman. And if my five and seven-year-old sons are exposed to porn for the first time while playing in our yard... [Chuckles] She's just likely to cry until I agree to move to an even more expensive neighborhood.
- Kevin: Look, man, you tell your wife this is a legitimate business, and under the 14th amendment, we have every right to exercise our right to free speech and show boobs.
- Local man: The 14th amendment abolished slavery.
- Kevin: God damn right it did. Good thing too, because one of my wives is black, and the other one was a slave. Dude, what the hell are you talking about? Oh, good, thanks a lot. Now you woke up my kids.
- Local man: Look, all right?
- Kevin: Shh, shh, shh.
- Local man: [Holds up dollar bill] Please. I'm begging you. Father to father. Husband to husband. [Kevin just stares at the bill with the man adding another dollar bill]
- Kevin: Oh, man. I'll pull the van around the block. Hey, you, uh... Want a business card, just in case, uh... your wife goes out of town or something?
- Store clerk: You're leaving?
- Debbie: Uh, yeah. Sorry, nothing fit.
- Store clerk: Bummer. Well, could I tempt you with this new white-gold baby cuff? Just got it in this weekend.
- Debbie: Cute, uh, maybe next week...
- Store clerk: [To police officer entering store] Could you have taken any longer? That's her. She's stealing.
- Debbie: What?!
- Store clerk: I'm not stupid like your baby's name.
I Am A Storm [7.04]
[edit]- Kevin: [Arrives to kitchen of Yvon feeding apples to Yevgeny, Gemma and Amy in highchairs] Ugh, man, that two extra hours of sleep is a miracle. Thank you so much for coming every morning. [Amazed at the happiness of Yevgeny, Gemma and Amy] What?! Look at these guys! They're chillin'! They dig you! You like kids, huh?! You're the only gramps these guys got! I'm just bummed that you and my other wife got off on the wrong foot! She just doesn't love how you sold our wife into sex slavery. Great talk, man. [Yvon holds apple to kids impaled on knife] Hey! Okay, see, yeah. In America, we take the food off the knife [Demonstrates] before we give it to the babies.
- Yvon: [Speaks Russian] Nice soft mouths. They'll be good earners someday.
- Kevin: Exactly.
- Carl: Hi.
- Dominique: What the hell are you doing here?
- Carl: Nothing.
- Dominique: Well, you got me grounded for a month, so...
- Carl: Where's your dad? Morning, Sergeant. Ready to hit the shooting range?
- Luther: Yep. Let me grab my gun.
- Dominique: Okay. What's going on?
- Luther: You've been texting that college boy all week. Think I didn't notice?
- Dominique: He has playoffs this week. He's anxious.
- Luther: I don't care if he's starting point guard for the Bulls in the NBA Finals. I told you to cut it. But since I have a daughter who doesn't respect my wishes, she gets a father who doesn't respect hers. Let's go, son.
- Dominique: "Son"? [Slams front door]
- Frank: First order of business... Furniture. Apparently, this stuff belongs to the realty staging company, and they're taking it back. So start looking for street discards... Mattresses, chairs, couches. Secondly, as you may have noticed, our beloved domicile is under attack from the locals. We got to give them zero reason to take issue with us. Be on our best behavior. Solve problems before they happen. You're Gallaghers now. And Gallaghers fight for what we deserve. And we fight dirty. I got these things from the garage. I also found a push mower. So, new Lip, mow the strip between the street and the houses. New Debbie, grab some shrubs from outside the Citibank on 47th and just stick them anyplace you see dirt. New Ian and New Carl, here you go. Sweep up the cigarette butts and the needles outside on the street. New Fiona, clean the trash from the lot under the El.
- New Fiona: How is that "fighting dirty"?
- Frank: We become them. This is psychological warfare. The thinking man's game. Henceforth, there are new rules in this house, okay? No talking to the lamppost after dark. New Lip, no more jacking off in the backyard. New Fiona, if you're gonna turn a trick, go one block over. Yes? Meeting adjourned.
- Fiona: Hey. How'd it go?
- Sierra: We panicked.
- Fiona: [Observing busted open cash register] Shit. Do... do you know how much these cost?
- Sierra: It's from, like, 1910, so probably a dollar.
- Fiona: I mean the cost to replace it.
- Sierra: Well, we've been doing okay lately.
- Fiona: [Scoffs] It doesn't mean we're in a position to buy new equipment. We just got out of the hole Sean dug.
- Sierra: I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
- Fiona: Where you been keeping the cash?
- Sierra: Twenties, fives, tens, and ones. We used calculators and wrote everything down on a pad. Oh... [Chuckles] your, uh, Asian nazi came looking for you earlier.
- Fiona: Oh, shit. I forgot. This can't be right. This says that we made over a third more than we usually do.
- Sierra: Grilled cheese was a hit.
- [Kevin and Svetlana are hosing down mats]
- Kevin: I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
- Svetlana: Yeah. He's working on something for bar, to help. It's a surprise.
- Kevin: Oh, sweet. You know, I still can't believe he's the same dude that locked you in a closet and put a flour sack over your head.
- Svetlana: It was potato sack. It's like my 12-year-old self made up my adult life, and my adult self was like, "Oh, yeah? I see your offer, and I raise you 20." [She wets her white shirt sans bra with nipples appearing to Kevin's excitement]
- Debbie: [Arrives] Hey. Is The Alibi hiring?
- Kevin: Who's asking?
- Debbie: Me. I need a job with child care.
- Kevin: Okay, A, you're underage. You can't even work in a bar. And, B, we don't have real employees. We got spouses and parents. And, C, I am at peak baby. Three, and I max out. See you inside.
- Svetlana: Why you need job?
- Debbie: Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.
- Svetlana: Find husband. I have both husband and wife. I have someone to watch my son 24/7. I have job. I am kept woman. You want good life? Find someone to keep you.
- Debbie: I don't need to be kept. I'm a strong woman.
- Svetlana: Don't be strong woman. Strong women weather storms. You want to be the storm.
- Debbie: How?
- Svetlana: You find someone weak, stupid, and desperate. And you wear bras so your breasts levitate.
- Debbie: All right! I got this thing together. I'm gonna take these guys to the movies where it's nice and cool. Hellraiser II is playing. Toddlers love classic slasher flicks from the 1980s. Just kidding. We're gonna go see Dory for the eight millionth time so I can stab my eyes out with a fork.
- ...
- Veronica: Kev, I don't think we should let Yvon keep feeding the babies.
- Kevin: The Knife thing. I know.
- Veronica: That, and I don't like the way he looks at them.
- Kevin: How does he look at them?
- Veronica: Like he's trying to figure out how much they're worth.
- Kevin: That's insane. You know, you sound like an insane person. You know that, right?
- Veronica: Do I?
- Kevin: Yeah. You do. [Yvon appears] What's up? What's going on? Thumbs up. What's up there? The sky? Speak Russian at least. You want me to go upstairs? Oh, you want me to go... Okay, fine. I'll go upstairs. I'll be right back. We are not doing Tinder. Tinder is for hookups. And we don't want hookup. We want someone old-fashioned, someone who wants to keep a woman. But for what?
- Police officer: So the man who allegedly took your babies is their grandfather?
- Kevin: Not all of them. One of them. The other two are his step-grandchildren through marriage.
- Police officer: Has the parent of the two stepchildren been contacted?
- Veronica: I'm here. It's me. The babies are mine and his.
- Kevin: Yeah, she's my wife. The guy who took them is my other wife's dad.
- Veronica: Except she's my wife's wife, not mine... not legally. She's my wife, and I'm his wife.
- Police officer: So the guy is the stepdad of your wife's wife?
- Kevin: No, she's... her dad.
- Veronica: He's my father-in-law.
- Kevin: And he doesn't speak any English. He only speaks Russian. He has Russian ties to the Mafia, I think, and has very disturbing tattoos.
- Police officer: Has he ever threatened to harm the babies in the past?
- Kevin: Not exactly.
- Police officer: Does he have regular contact with the babies?
- Kevin: Well, he sees them every morning, feeds them breakfast, speaks to them in Russian, sings little songs to them.
- Police officer: Is it within the realm of possibility that he may have simply taken them for a walk?
Own Your Shit [7.05]
[edit]- [Frank hears knocking on front door and pulls curtain, then opens door]
- Elena: Mr. Gallagher?
- Frank: No. Maybe. [Closes door]
- Elena: [Opens door and lets herself in] I'm Elena Torres from the Make A Nest nonprofit on Troy Street. Your news coverage has been making quite a stir in the social-services community.
- Frank: It has?
- Elena: We've got some good news concerning your housing crisis.
- Frank: You... you, uh... Here. Uh, Jesus. Oh, come on, hey, hey. G- get a room, you two. [Pats a cot] Uh, sit, sit.
- Elena: I- I, uh... Yeah, I-I'll stand.
- Frank: Yeah.
- Elena: Mr. Gallagher... perhaps you've heard of Simon Epstein, the real estate mogul? The billionaire who got busted emailing dick pics? Mr. Epstein, um, is actually a philanthropist for the homeless. After seeing you on the news, he immediately contacted our community-service organization.
- Frank: You're kicking us out?
- Elena: N-no, no, Mr. Gallagher. Simon Epstein purchased this house for the South Side homeless.
- Frank: A billionaire with a bleeding heart and a big dick bought this place for me?
- Elena: Uh, he, uh... He bought it for all of you. And he's asked our organization to manage the property. We're getting calls from corporate interests who would like to become sponsors. Because of your commitment to the homeless, this is now public housing.
- Fiona: Whew.
- Marcus: I may have broken a Tinder record for how many places to hit it in one room.
- Fiona: So, uh, take the El or call an Uber? Wow. Okay. Down to business, huh? No offense, it's just I'm running a business, and I can't save chips unless I'm working.
- Fiona: Oh, I get it... Sex and back to thinking money.
- Marcus: Just a little word of advice... If you're really a businesswoman, you'd stack chips, not save 'em.
- Fiona: [Laughs] What are you, my financial consultant? [Hands card to her] Marketplace Consulting International? You mean you're actually a financial consultant?
- Marcus: Let me know when you want to book an investment consultation. I'm just a swipe away. Bye, Fiona.
- New Monica: Hot water?! Thank God! [Laughs] Don't got to clean my flaps with disinfectant wipes no more!
- Frank: [Turns on stove to confirm it works] Whoa. [Opens fridge to confirm it is empty] Uh, whoa. [Addressing shelterees] My family and unbathed brethren, we have won the first battle for homeless dignity by staking our claim. We demanded our 40 acres and a mule, our three bedrooms and a toilet, and yours truly has delivered it upon you. Thank you very much.
- Shelterees: Great job, Frank!
- Frank: But... but listen, now... now that we got the hot water turned on, we want to make sure that it stays on, and let's keep food and illicit substances in our belly. So I'm sending you out in groups to ply the most basic commerce known to mankind... Begging, okay? You four, take the bodega. You three, uh, um, the dry cleaners. You, sir, you look like you could use a touch of grooming, so let's send you to the barbershop. Okay, let's go. Other people's money waits for no man. Go out there. Give 'em homeless! Yeah!
- Veronica: How are the books comin', Lana?
- Svetlana: Ah, much better with reduced overhead. Now we just have to collect running tabs from regulars who don't pay.
- Kevin: Come on, fist bumps, kid. Fist bumps. Mommy, Mommy, and Daddy are makin' money.
- Svetlana: Ha, breaking even. We are getting out of tax debt.
- Veronica: Can we claim each other's kids on our tax returns? We're married.
- Kevin: We got tax returns?!
- Svetlana: We can claim as dependents, but we would have to do adoption.
- Kevin: Whose kids are we adopting?
- Veronica: She and I would adopt each others' since we're married.
- Svetlana: We would save money on write-offs and become legitimate family.
- Kevin: Wait, wait, wait. So, V adopts Yevgeny. Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma. Where does that leave me?
- Svetlana: That leaves you big, sexy man in boxer shorts.
- Yvon: [In Russian] Big stupid man needs a shower.
- Veronica: He either said, "I burnt your breakfast," or, "I f*cked up your eggs."
- Svetlana: He said, "Good morning."
- Kevin: [Holds eggs up to eyes laughing to entertain children] Hey...
- Veronica: I don't understand why you're not on board.
- Kevin: [In the shower] It's just the whole lesbian-wedding thing again. You and Svetlana are a thing, and I'm the third wheel.
- Veronica: It is just paperwork to secure more money for Amy and Gemma. What if somethin' happens to us? Svetlana will be able to take care of 'em.
- Kevin: I thought you wanted Fiona to take care of 'em if somethin' happened to us?
- Veronica: Fiona only cares about herself anymore.
- Kevin: Oh, would you please? Fiona's your best friend. We have the key to her house, And I'm pretty sure that half our clothes in our closet are hers.
- Veronica: Then I'll take 'em back.
- Kevin: Is this a permanent thing between you two, or is it until one of you caves and apologizes?
- Veronica: Screw Fiona! It's time for us to move on and think about what's best of our family, and that's Svetlana. Adoption will give our kids stability. Don't you want them to have more than what we had growin' up?
- Kevin: I still get to be called "Daddy" no matter what. Or Big Papa. [Veronica pulls open shower curtains] Oh!
- Veronica: [Both laughs] Your choice, baby.
- Carl: Chicks in uniform rule.
- Police recruiter: Not into dudes, especially the teenage kind. Save your compliments.
The Defenestration of Frank [7.06]
[edit]- Neil: Hey. Debs. Hi, Lip. Are you gonna have sex with my sister?
- Debbie: We're about to leave. Franny's physical exam, to see if I'm an abusive mother.
- Lip: You're not. It's just routine.
- Neil: My sister really likes you. I'm glad you're her new boyfriend.
- Lip: I'm not her boyfriend.
- Neil: A lot of guys used to come around, but you're the only one now.
- Debbie: What if they take Franny?
- Lip: Listen to me, okay? No one's taking Franny. She is healthy. She has all her shits. You're not an addict. You've never been arrested, right? [Debbie scoffs] You gonna come home?
- Debbie: Why should I? Nobody threatens to kick me out here. And I can tell DCFS that we have a home and source of income.
- Lip: We?
- Debbie: Neil's great with kids. And his penis doesn't work, so sex won't get in the way.
- Sierra: Thought I heard you. Hey. Just give me a minute to get Neil dressed.
- Debbie: Already done. We're going shopping later. You need anything? Okay. I'm not inviting Fiona. No cunts allowed.
- Neil: Okay. Don't forget anal.
- Sierra: We're not doing anal.
- Lip: Oh. Good to know. [Walking to bedroom taking off clothes] Hey, you coming to this dinner tonight?
- Sierra: It's in my apartment. Kind of have to. What's it for?
- Lip: Fuck if I know, but Debbie insisted we be there.
- Sierra: So, she got into a fight with a homeless lady with a baby strapped to her chest?
- Lip: Yeah, the more you get to know Debbie, the more you'll see it's really not that unusual.
- Sierra: You think her and my brother is a good idea?
- Lip: Nope. You?
- Sierra: Fuck no. How about you get my mind off it?
- ...
- Lip: Oh, fucking hell. Oh. I didn't know if you'd be good at that.
- Lip: That was unbelievable.
- Sierra: Sheets drenched?
- Lip: Yeah.
- Sierra: That's how I come sometimes.
- Lip: What?
- Sierra: You never heard of female ejaculation?
- Lip: Oh, no, I have. I just thought it was a myth, like unicorns or moderate Republicans.
- Sierra: You're really hard.
- Lip: That was really hot. Hey, does that happen a lot with guys?
- Sierra: Sometimes.
- Lip: When you're alone?
- Sierra: No.
- Lip: Hey, why didn't you come like that before?
- Sierra: I hadn't let you go down on me. You have a lot of questions.
- Lip: I just... I feel like Watson and Crick must have when they discovered DNA.
- Sierra: It's just an orgasm.
- Lip: We should've been doing this from the beginning.
- Sierra: Can't.
- Lip: Not until I'm really comfortable with a guy.
- Kevin: Sorry, kids. Daddy forgot your sippy cups. Bad daddy. Bad daddy. Ah, who left the TV on? Bad mommy. Bad mommy. [Kevin opens door to discover Svetlana and her husband making love on his and Veronica's bed]
- ...
- Kevin: V! V. We got to talk.
- Veronica: I thought you were going to the park.
- Kevin: I think I saw something. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure. At least, I think so, but I'm not sure how sure. [Exhales] Svetlana and her dad.
- Veronica: What about 'em?
- Kevin: You know. Mm-hmm.
- Veronica: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
- Kevin: You think I'm saying sex, right?
- Veronica: That's crazy.
- Kevin: No, I know! I know, but I went upstairs, and there's Yvon, pumping away. It was... it was so horrible.
- Veronica: You saw Svetlana?
- Kevin: Yes. But I didn't see her face. I saw a thigh, and it looked familiar.
- Veronica: And you didn't stop him?
- Kevin: I'm sorry, I- I... There... there was Russian TV and moans. I panicked, okay? Oh, this is... this is really, really fucked up. If... if I saw what I saw. I'm- I'm- I'm not sure. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
- Veronica: Lana said she was going to the bank.
- Kevin: Oh, who else would it have been, V? You think Yvon came here to ball some random chick in our bed? Listen to yourself. Do you realize how silly you sound? Why would she do it?
- Veronica: He was on top?
- Kevin: Uh-huh.
- Veronica: Pinning her down?
- Kevin: Maybe. He was forcing her.
- Veronica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is terrible.
- Kevin: But it's not as terrible as what I thought. [Exhales] I never knew the word "rape" could fill me with so much relief.
- Veronica: Svetlana just got here.
- Kevin: Is there a Hallmark card for "I'm sorry your dad's been raping you"?
- Veronica: What are you gonna say to her?
- Kevin: Me? What the hell am I gonna say?
- Veronica: "Kev thought he saw you f*cking your dad, maybe?
- Kevin: [Sighs] You're right. All right, I'm not running away from this It's time to man up. [Walks over to Svetlana doing accounting] So how was your morning?
- Svetlana: Long line at bank.
- Kevin: Right. Bank. How are things with your dad?
- Svetlana: I'm busy.
- Kevin: You... you... you guys... You guys fight a lot. And does... does it... does it... Does it ever get out of hand? Where you can't fight him off?
- Svetlana: Why you babble like someone who has stroke? Make sense, please.
- Kevin: Okay. Your dad pimped you out. Did he ever sample the goods? Try on the merchandise? Take you out for a test drive? [Svetlana just stares at him, takes off her glass, gets up and walks away with Veronica sitting near him] I got nothing. Don't be mad.
- Carl: I couldn't find anything about hell week online. They kept it secret. This one dude on Facebook posted that it was the worst week of his life.
- Luther: They just run you till you puke.
- Carl: What about hazing? At the Citadel, they put a helmet in a pillowcase and hit you over and over. Or they brand you with a red-hot hanger like a cow. That shit's permanent.
- Luther: Smells bad, but it heals fast. Toughen you up. Make a man out of you. [Dominique arrives]
- Dominique: Hi. Bye, Dad. [Luther closes door] You look good.
- ...
- Dominique: [Standing by fence with Carl] Why the hell are you going to my dad's military school?
- Carl: I guess I want to be like him.
- Dominique: You want to be an overweight cop sitting in a car for ten hours getting shit thrown at him? And I don't mean sh*t like "stuff." I mean shit like... human shit. Are you leaving 'cause of me?
- Carl: No.
- Dominique: 'Cause I feel bad about how everything went down.
- Carl: You mean f*cking another dude?
- Dominique: You didn't deserve that. I'll miss you.
- Lip: Yo.
- Kevin: Oh, hey.
- Lip: Got the day off from the kids?
- Kevin: Yeah, for a couple hours. I need to clear my head for a while. I got a lot of freaky rape and incest stuff swirling around up there. What can I get you?
- Lip: Your best booze.
- Kevin: What, did you rob a mini-mart or something?
- Lip: Ah, no, we ripped off a bunch of corporate crooks. Turns out two wrongs do make a right.
- Kevin: Well, our best stuff is still pretty shitty. Regulars go for quantity, not quality.
- Lip: They're drinking on me today. Joaquin.
- Kevin: Why?
- Lip: 'Cause they've been screwed over by a system that rewards criminals with white collars and shit values. Fuck mortgage-backed security. Fuck bailouts. Fuck too big to fail. It's time we get a piece of the action.
- Debbie: [To Ian and Carl] Dinner. [Debbie, Ian, Carl, Lip, Liam, Sierra and Neil all take their seats at the dining table] Eh... Sit next to me.
- Ian: Yeah. Looks great, Debs.
- Sierra: I'll get your soda, Lucas. Can you cut his potatoes?
- Lip: Uh... yeah. [Takes cutlery to Lucas plate] Let me help you with that.
- Neil: [To Debbie] Sierra thinks you're only with me for my money.
- Lip: What, you said that?!
- Sierra: You don't think it's a good idea either!
- Lip: Look, Debs, you don't need to do this to get the DCFS off your back...
- Debbie: Shut up, Lip. What kind of choices do you think I have? You may see someone who's brain damaged, but I see someone who doesn't lie. Like all the other guys I've ever been with. He'll take care of me and will make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me. What kind of choices do you think Neil has? Are you always gonna be there to look out for him? 'Cause I will. I'll cook for him, and I'll do his laundry, and I'll let him watch me masturbate. You think he's gonna find a better deal somewhere else? We're engaged. That's why I wanted all of you here.
- [Lip and Ian arrive at Fiona's bedroom door with her on bed]
- Fiona: Jesus, just come on in. Close the door. Don't let the AC out. [Lip and Ian sit on Fiona's bed]
- Lip: All right. Pop quiz. What's the most Debbie thing Debbie could possibly do?
- Fiona: Pregnant?
- Lip: Nope.
- Fiona: Uh, joined the Army using Lip's name?
- Ian: Very funny. [Fiona laughs] Try again.
- Fiona: Uh... engaged?
- Ian: [Points at Fiona] Ding ding ding.
- Fiona: [Sighs] Well, I may have been stupid, but at least I was in love.
- Lip: And of age.
- Fiona: Too bad I missed the shit show.
- Ian: No, I got work in the morning.
- Lip: Well, I need it... after Sierra ripped me a new one.
- Fiona: I don't want to know.
- Ian: I do. Why was she so pissed at you?
- Lip: I freaked out after she ejaculated on me. No, she's really cool. I might've blown it.
- Ian: Hold on. She ejaculated on you?
- Lip: Yeah.
- Fiona: You mean she pissed on you.
- Lip: No. I checked the sheets. They weren't yellow.
- Fiona: Did it taste like piss?
- Lip: How the fuck would I know what piss tastes like? Oh, shit. You've tasted piss, haven't you?
- Fiona: No!
- Lip: Yes, you have. You lie!
- Fiona: What was it like?
- Lip: It was like... getting waterboarded. But in a fantastic way.
- Fiona: That shit's real?
- Lip: Mm-hmm.
- Ian: So a chick is blowing her load on you like she's a dude. Meanwhile, I'm making out with a guy with a vagina. Yeah, he's trans.
- Lip: Oh.
- Ian: Taking testosterone apparently gives you a giant clit.
- Lip: I'm confused. So, does he have a vagina or no?
- Ian: No, he does. He doesn't call it that, though. He calls the whole situation his junk.
- Lip: How do you have sex with the junk?
- Ian: I don't know. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. No, I'm really into him.
- Lip: Just not so into her?
- Ian: He's a fucking him, all right? Not a her.
- Lip: Jesus.
You'll Never Ever Get A Chicken In Your Whole Entire Life [7.07]
[edit]- [Frank and Liam arrive at his school for the first day only to discover the school deserted]
- Frank: Holy shit. Place is a ghost town. I think someone's in there.
- [Knocks on door]
- Custodian: I'm coming, I'm coming. [Opens door] What's going on? They sent out letters letting folks know the school was closed.
- Frank: Why?
- Custodian: Not enough kids to keep the place open.
- Frank: Since when?
- Custodian: Since the new private school opened up. Bourgie parents sending their kids over there now.
- Frank: A private school in this neighborhood?
- Custodian: A lot of new money moving into the Yards. Bunch of Richie Riches.
- Frank: Where's my son supposed to go?
- Custodian: Oh, they're bussing kids over to Lincoln Douglas Elementary.
- Frank: That's a 30-minute bus ride.
- Custodian: Not counting the stops. Probably overcrowded. Forty kids to a class, I hear.
- Frank: So this private school, where is it?
- Custodian: Took over the Blessed Virgin from the Dioceses.
- Frank: The B... I went there. The archbishop sold it? What happened to the nuns?
- Custodian: Ah, they shipped them off to assisted living. They were all a couple of hundred years old. Not enough poor kids in the neighborhood to keep the doors open.
- ...
- Liam: Whoa. Oh, cool. Chickens.
- Frank: Go play with them, son.
- Teacher: Excuse me. Hey.
- Frank: Why aren't you going to public school? Afraid of being exposed to regular kids?
- Teacher: I'm sorry?
- Frank: Is it because my son is poor? Or black?
- Teacher: Children, let's go inside.
- Frank: The public-school system is being gutted by you sending your kid to this expensive private school.
- Teacher: Please, sir.
- Frank: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll pay taxes to support public schools...
- Teacher: Don't listen to him. Let's go.
- Frank: But God forbid you or your husband, or your wife, would actually send your child to one.
- Teacher: Sir, this is private property. You need to leave.
- Frank: This is just the 21st-century version of segregation.
- Teacher: I'm gonna call the police.
- Frank: I'm leaving. Come on, Liam, let's go.
- Liam: Can I have a chicken?
- Frank: No, you can't have a chicken. And do you know why? Because these people don't want you to ever have a chicken. In fact, they've spent thousands of dollars a year so that they can buy up all the chickens in the whole world to guarantee that you will never, ever get a chicken ever in your whole entire life.
- Svetlana: [Enters Alibi Room with blood on face, chest and shirt] I'm back.
- Veronica: Damn. What... what happened to your face?
- Svetlana: Mission accomplished. Yvon is gone. We are thrupple again.
- Veronica: What?
- Kevin: Gone? How gone?
- Svetlana: He's no longer in our lives.
- Veronica: What did you say to him? How did he take it?
- Svetlana: This is immaterial. We move forward now. [Looks at cut in reflective wall tile] Ah!
- Kevin: You got to give us more than that.
- Svetlana: Ah, he causes divide between us. I get rid of divide. [Svetlana takes framed picture off of wall and defaces Yvon's face with a knife]
- Kermit: Thank you for taking that down. That was creeping me out. [Svetlana puts framed picture back on wall] Yeah, that's way less creepy.
- Svetlana: I got rid of him. We are back to normal now.
- Tommy: I'm not sure if you guys were ever normal.
- Kevin: Got rid of, like, packed his bags, or got rid of, like, shot him and dumped him in the river?
- Svetlana: What don't you understand?
- Kevin: Well, for starters, where his body is.
- Svetlana: Eh, you know, we go round and round in circles. It gets us nowhere. I'm going to go into the back and do inventory. I'm glad we're back to normal, yeah?
You Sold Me the Laundromat Remember? [7.08]
[edit]- [Fiona is sleeping in the laundromat and Etta starts hitting her with a broom]
- Etta: No sleeping in here! Th- this ain't a homeless shelter!
- Fiona: Etta, stop, stop!
- Etta: Out!
- Fiona: Hey!
- Etta: Out!
- Fiona: Hey, it's me, it's Fiona.
- Etta: Out! Out!-
- Fiona: Stop! Stop! You sold me the laundromat, remember?! I bought it from you. I paid you 80 grand! Remember?!
- Etta: Well, you made an awful mess.
- Fiona: Yeah, I know, but there's... there's mold under the floor tiles and the ceiling tiles are rotting, so it's a necessary mess.
- Etta: Well, I- I can't sleep. I used to be able to sleep all night. Then I hit menopause.
- Fiona: Want me to walk you across the street to Patsy's? Get a piece of pie?
- Etta: Have they got cherry?
- Fiona: Usually, yeah. Okay. Come on.
- Trevor: I love this.
- Ian: Love what?
- Trevor: Playing house. You told me about your big, chaotic family, but this is more like a romantic breakfast for two.
- Ian: I know, it's kind of weird around here lately, especially with Carl being gone. Kind of miss the chaos. And the weaponry.
- Trevor: Hey, bud. Hey.
- Ian: Lookin' sharp, man. Look at that. Yeah? [Knocking on side door with Ian opening to let in Frank]
- Frank: Hey, hey, smells good in here. Aw, come on. Jesus, come on!
- Ian: No!
- Frank: It's cold out there!
- Ian: Get out.
- Frank: I got Liam into private school. That doesn't buy me breakfast?
- Ian: Do you mind if I take this one?
- Trevor: Be my guest.
- Ian: Okay.
- Frank: Would you...
- Ian: You were stealing from homeless people, Frank! You were pretending to be their father and their guardian and then you turned them into slave labor for your own personal indulgence!
- Frank: Okay.
- Ian: You're lucky you're still alive, because no one would have...
- Frank: No.
- Ian: Blamed them for beating you to death and burying the body. So no, you don't get breakfast.
- Frank: Okay, I missed...
- Ian: Okay, let go of the door before I hurt you, Frank.
- Frank: I... stop. I was their fake father. I'm your real father and I'm not gonna let go of the door until you let go of the door.
- Ian: Get the pepper spray.
- Frank: Really? Come... would you... Come on.
- Ian: You've been warned, Frank. I'm gonna count to three. One... Hey, Liam, would you get me a blanket? Two... Get me a blanket.
- Frank: Yeah. And some of that bacon. Get me... fuck! What happened to three? You said, "I'm gonna count to three"! [Ian sprays him and closes the door] Shit!
- Ian: Gallagher house.
- Trevor: As advertised.
- Kevin: Van's gone! Tittie van, stolen!
- Veronica: What?!
- Kevin: I parked it out on the street last night, now it's not there!
- Veronica: Who in the world would want to steal that van?!
- Kevin: People who like boobs, people who like ice cream, people who like driving!
- Svetlana: It was insured!
- Kevin: No, it wasn't!
- Svetlana: It was, and I already report stolen.
- Kevin: I don't understand what that wink's about! V can tell me later.
- Svetlana: I made us good insurance money.
- Veronica: You should've talked to him first.
- Svetlana: He doesn't want to talk to me.
- Veronica: He'll come around. You just need to give him some time.
- Svetlana: I made us good money. He is mad now, but come Christmas when we spoil babies, he will thank me.
- Frank: Is it true what Ian said? Fiona bought a business, gave up the supermom gig? Without Fiona this family's adrift. You need a rudder. Just have to prove my worth. Hey, what needs doing around the house? The upstairs toilet ever get fixed?
- Liam: No.
- Frank: You ever figure out that smell in your room?
- Liam: No.
- Lip: [Answers phone] Yo!
- Clyde: "Yo"?! That your way of committing to a life in the ghetto in one syllable or less?
- Lip: What's up, Professor?
- Clyde: What's up is I need an answer. Am I cancelling my office hours so I can testify on your behalf or not?
- Lip: What are you talking about?
- Clyde: Your appeal hearing.
- Lip: I thought told you to cancel that.
- Clyde: And I didn't listen.
- Lip: Why not?
- Clyde: 'Cause you're stubborn as hell but generally not stupid, so I thought you might come around. And because the 20 Gs you owe me for rehab aren't likely to get paid back on a dishwasher's salary.
- Lip: Fine, fuck you, I'll go!
- Clyde: Is "fuck you" the new thank you?!
- Lip: Yup.
- Clyde: Then fuck you too. I'll see you at noon at the Provost's office. And maybe bring a witness to vouch for your character. With that mouth, you're gonna need it.
- Sierra: Your professor? We at the eavesdropping stage of our casual relationship?
- Lip: Apparently we are.
- Sierra: You going to that college hearing thing?
- Lip: Yeah.
- Sierra: Good.
- Lip: Why good?
- Sierra: 'Cause I think brains are sexy in a man.
- Lip: Hey, are we at that "kissing in public" stage of our casual relationship? We smell so bad.
- Kevin: She stole it. She stole it! My tittie van, Svetlana stole it!
- Veronica: She didn't steal it, she had it stolen and she banked the insurance money.
- Kevin: Aha!
- Veronica: For us! For us! For us!
- Kevin: Who's "us"? Does "us" include her other husband, who she said was her father? Or is he dead and buried under the L? Or do you not care about any of this?
- Veronica: I do care, but... I'm married to her. She adopted our children. It's a little more complicated than that.
- Kevin: Well, your marriage wasn't legal so maybe the adoption wasn't either. Look, it was fun while it lasted, but it stopped being fun right around the time she started fucking her fake father with the scary tattoos in our bed.
- Veronica: I just don't think we should make any big decisions from an emotional place.
- Kevin: I am not emotional!
- Veronica: You're just, like, totally cool with the whole Yvon thing? You don't feel betrayed?
- Kevin: No, I'm not over it. I feel betrayed and angry too,
- Veronica: Kev, but I'm considering other factors.
- Kevin: Like what?!
- Veronica: Like... how much better our lives are with Lana. We have more money. We have time alone away from the kids. Our sex life is off the chain.
- Kevin: Our sex life was always off the chain! [A short old woman pours herself a vodka shot on personal whim drinking it with total ease] Who's that?!
- Veronica: Lana rented the apartment upstairs to her aunt from Russia.
- Kevin: Is it really her aunt? Or are we gonna find her fucking her in our bed a week from now?! I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen.
- Veronica: [Aunt pours herself another shot] I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen. [Aunt walks away] She's trying to make it up to us. The van, the aunt. Whether they're actually related, that old woman is paying good money in rent.
- Kevin: So she's trying to buy our love?
- Veronica: She's trying to buy your love. I'm still in love with her. I can't help it.
- Kevin: Are you siding with her over me?
- Veronica: No. Baby, no. I'm siding with us.
- Kevin: I just want it to go back to how good it was.
- Veronica: Please, babe, just go home and talk to her. Tell her how you feel, she'll tell you how she feels.
- Frank: [Sets up new laundry machine and plugs it in] Daddy Frank, you are a serious badass and an essential member of this family. [Water spews from machine and a panel falls off back] Well, shit.
- Kevin: Gemma said "egg" this morning.
- Kevin: She said "omelet" to me last week. She also said "horsey" and "twat," but I think she was trying to say, "trot." What?
- Svetlana: You love V. I love V. We don't need love, me and you. We need like and desire. I still like you, even though you are douche bag when angry, and I still desire you. Do you still desire me?
- Kevin: You got great tits.
- Svetlana: Spasibo. You stop being douche bag, you could put your face between them like before.
- Kevin: Stop stealing my shit and I'll stop being a douche bag.
- Svetlana: I get insurance, I report stolen. I collect insurance, I hide van. [Takes canvas off of a vehicle to reveal Kevin's van] You wait two weeks, you can paint, you make ice cream again. Okay.
- Debbie: And Neil's a really great guy. He has a big apartment which is totally baby-proof. Would you guys like to come over and see it?
- Tanya: No, I don't think that'll be necessary.
- Debbie: That way if DCFS calls, you can say you saw where Franny's living and that she's in really good hands.
- Tanya: Look, it's good that you're trying, Debbie, but I saw you punch a homeless lady.
- Debbie: That was an accident.
- Tanya: You accidentally punched a homeless lady?
- Debbie: No, I accidentally lost my temper.
- Tanya: Does that happen a lot?
- Debbie: No, never. No. Please, you're her "abayla."
- Tanya: Abuela.
- Debbie: Exactly. Come on. Please? Just come see where we live. Come see how happy we are.
- Provost: Professor Youens, I have your letter requesting this appeal hearing. Do you have anything to add?
- Clyde: Only that... while I'm the supposed victim of Mr. Gallagher's violent outburst, I'm also his most passionate advocate. He earned his scholarship with the odds stacked against him, and he fought hard to keep it through the sort of culture shock you and I can't even really imagine. He's got the kind of mind we don't see every day or even every decade, The kind of kid we always talk about wanting to educate but seldom do. And it would be a terrible shame to let all that talent and intelligence go to waste over one incident.
- Provost: In fairness, it wasn't one incident. Mr. Gallagher sat before this panel once before.
- Clyde: Yes, but in that instance, he was the victim, not the perpetrator. He was used and discarded by a professor more than twice his age who is now in treatment for a sex addiction. It was Dr. Runyon's behavior that, in my estimation, led to Mr. Gallagher's later transgressions.
- Lindsey: With all due respect, Professor, one doesn't excuse the other.
- Clyde: I'm sorry, who are you?
- Lindsey: Lindsey Chen, student representative. And in this world of open carry and daily lockdowns, I have to go on record saying that I don't feel safe with you on this campus.
- Clyde: I'd also like to state for the record that since his expulsion, Mr. Gallagher completed 30 days of in-patient rehab and has his issues with alcohol well in hand.
- Provost: Thank you, Professor Youens. Mr. Gallagher, can I assume that this is a character witness?
- Lip: Yeah, it's my... My brother Ian.
- Provost: Would you like to make a statement?
- Ian: Lip once walked about eight miles trying to find a G.I. Joe I left on a train. I was six. It was my favorite toy. My parents, they gave me shit about losing it, they said that they weren't gonna be able to find it, that it was lost, but Lip... somehow got ahold of a map of the L, he got on the phone, he started making calls, and he found out where the train would be and when. Like, where it would be parked for the night. My parents wouldn't give him cash to take the train, so he took off on foot. He walked eighty city blocks down to Midway, talked the conductor guy into searching the trains... found my toy, walked eighty blocks back. He did all that by himself, he figured that all out at seven years old. I didn't even know what a map was. Lip is not supposed to be stuck in the ghetto.
- Provost: Mr. Gallagher, if you would like to say anything on your own behalf, now is the time.
- Lip: My father, he has kind of a brilliant mind. You know, and that's... That's a pretty hard thing for me to admit, because he's such a waste of space and all, but... you know, it's true. He could have been a college graduate, but instead, he dropped out, he fucked up his kids, and he drinks, and does drugs. That's his whole life. I want to be around people like Professor Youens. And Professor Runyon, even though she... It's minds like theirs... um... you know, these minds that... That are brilliant, you know, and they aren't wasted. I, I don't have any big ideas about what I want to do with my life, but this morning I was washing dishes at the diner where I work, and Professor Youens called me, and I thought... "I miss that." You know, I don't miss the kids who grew up so privileged they didn't even know what they had. But I miss being around people with minds like Professor Youens', you know, and I think if I could get a couple more years of that, I'd have a real good shot at... making some better choices than my father made. I don't blame anybody else for what I did, and I do regret it. But if you guys would have me back, I- I promise, you know, I'll... I'll do better. Thank you.
- ...
- Provost: Mr. Gallagher, we have carefully weighed your testimony and the testimony of the witnesses that you brought. We admire the efforts that you have made to get your drinking under control. And we agree with Professor Youens that you have a bright future if you set your mind to it. Yeah. But... under sections 3, 4, 5 of the non-academic bylaws, we stand by your expulsion and we will not expunge the incident from your official transcript. Lot of students drink, many even to excess, but you can't attack people or property or interfere with the educational environment of you fellow students, all of which you did.
Ouroboros [7.09]
[edit]- Lip: Did you miss another episode of Shameless? Jesus Christ. Look, find a fuckin' five-year-old to help you program your DVR or something.
- [Frank is thrown out of The Alibi Room with two other men by Svetlana wielding a broom]
- Frank: Stop! I have to ask you something! Why was the broom late for the meeting?! [Pause] It overswept!
- Svetlana: Stay out!
- Man: You commie cunt!
- Monica: [Looking down] Frank! It's me, baby.
- Frank: Great.
- ...
- Monica: [Following Frank down street] I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I fucked up bad, but I-I'm gonna make it up to you and the kids. Frankie. I need your help. [Frank unlocks door to Fiona's laundromat] You could at least turn around and look at me. Frank?
- Frank: [Goes in and closes door] Go fuck yourself.
- Fiona: Got your breast milk! You know, I'm gettin' real tired of comin' around here every morning. This is bullshit. Just give us the baby back already.
- Celia: The DCFS has all the info they need to place Franny with us. If Debbie keeps sleeping on the lawn, I'm gonna call the cops!
- Fiona: We should be the ones calling the cops! Kidnapping is worse than trespassing. Just hand us the baby, and we'll all go back to our lives.
- Celia: We'll see you tomorrow at the DCFS meeting.
- Trevor: [Wake to phone and glances at Ian's phone] Anyone important? Someone named "Answer at Your Own Risk."
- Ian: Shit. It's my mom.
- Trevor: Didn't even know you had a mom.
- Ian: Haven't talked to her in months.
- Trevor: What's she like?
- Ian: Unmedicated. Bipolar. Drug addict.
- Trevor: My kind of gal. Kidding. Are you gonna text her?
- Ian: Um... Later. You can't just dive into Monica. You got to dip your toe in slowly.
- Trevor: Should we, um, invite her to the Backend tonight? Could be a hoot.
- Ian: Yeah, for you, maybe.
- Trevor: I am charming. Parents love me.
- Ian: I don't know. Um... Monica's brand of crazy can be kind of terrifying sometimes.
- Trevor: I don't scare easy.
- Debbie: The homeless shelter's down the street, lady! [Throws sleeping bag at Monica on porch] Get up!
- Monica: What?! My God.
- Debbie: Holy shit! Monica?!
- Monica: Deb. My God. You're a woman.
- Debbie: What are you doing here?
- Monica: Well, I'm... I'm back. I'm looking for Frank.
- Debbie: He isn't here.
- Monica: No, I know. I saw him. He wouldn't talk to me. I was hoping that you kids could help me out.
- Debbie: You should go.
- Monica: Okay. Maybe a cup of coffee before I go? I mean, it's kind of cold out here.
- Debbie: Look, Monica, my baby got stolen, and I have to go get her back.
- Monica: You have a baby?!
- Debbie: Yes.
- Monica: My God! I'm a grandma! [Hugs Debbie deeply] Oh!
- [Debbie and Monica come in front door]
- Monica: Did you call the police?
- Debbie: Yeah, like, 80 times. They're useless. DCFS too. They don't even seem to care that Franny got kidnapped.
- Monica: What?
- Kevin: Wow. Monica?
- Monica: Hey, Kev.
- Kevin: Hey. What brings you back?
- Monica: It... was time. So, you staying here?
- Kevin: Sleeping on the couch until I get over my two wives betraying me.
- Monica: What?
- Debbie: Long story.
- Monica: No luck this morning, Debs?
- Debbie: No. I miss her so much. A part of my body's been chopped off.
- Monica: That is exactly the way I felt the first time they took Fiona from me. I screamed my throat raw. Tore my hair out. And I was on acid, but... awful.
- Debbie: I didn't neglect my baby because I was on drugs. I'm a good mom. I would never do half the shit that you did to us. What are you even doing here?
- ...
- Monica: And so... [Grabs baseball bat off wall] We are getting your baby back.
- Kevin: Whoa, you sure you want to do that?
- Monica: Nobody takes my fucking granddaughter.
- ...
- Monica: [Walking to Delgado residence with bat and says to Debbie] All right, stand back, honey, 'cause it's gonna get rude. [To Delgados] Attention, residents! According to the bylaws of Public Act 94-704... [Smashes a window] The child is only granted custody to the grandparents [Smashes a flowerpot] only when the child's mother is deemed unfit by the court, [Smashes a window] which has not happened yet! Nor has the baby been... [Celia appears at door and she smashes a window] In any physical danger. Nor has the child's home been deemed hazardous by a social worker! [Smashes a microtreepot] So you have no legal right to keep Franny from her mom! [Smashes a flowerpot] So give us the fucking baby!
- Celia: I'm calling the cops!
- Tanya: [Arrives with Franny in stroller] What the hell is going on?!
- Monica: Give us the fuck...
- Debbie: Franny!
- Monica: I'm getting my motherfucking granddaughter back! [Points bat at Tanya] Get back, bitch! Before I knock those cheap extensions right off your head! [Debbie takes stroller with Franny running with Monica] Go! Go! Go! Go! You're gonna fuckin' burn!
- Frank: She's a hot piece of ass, your mother! Don't get me wrong. But within that fine mortal husk lies a rotting pile of filth, and I don't want her soiling you, so, from now on, you fight.
- Liam: Fight Mama?
- Frank: Yes, my son. Fight her with every muscle in your wee body, or she will drag you into her pit of despair and murder your soul. So... Remember, whenever you see the blonde woman with the green boots and the blue parka, you yell, "Stranger, danger," and kick her until an adult shows up.
- Lip: So, Monica's back? Yeah, when you think you're gettin' out of here?
- Kevin: I don't know, man. I- I didn't plan on staying this long. I want V back, but I don't trust Lana, and V wants me back, but not without Lana, and who knows what Lana wants? We're like the "hour-obe-ras."
- Lip: Like the what?
- Kevin: Snake eating its own tail. I saw a label in the Alibi.
- Lip: Sure that's how you say that?
- Kevin: Well, whatever. We're stuck. And I don't even know who to ask for for advice. It's like the only time you see this kind of thing is on Maury Povich. Should we do that?
- Lip: Do what, Maury Povich?
- Kevin: Yeah, he's got experts. Yeah, V wouldn't allow it. Plane tickets aren't cheap. Who's local? That bald, chubby, Richard-Pryor-lookin' dude.
- Lip: Steve Harvey?
- Kevin: I'll call him. Nothing to lose.
- Frank: [Eating a steak at a fancy restaurant with Etta just staring at her burger] I could've predicted she'd bail on us. Chaos junkie. [To waiter pouring wine] Thank you, my good man. But can you blame me? That's what I fell for. She was electric. The first night I met her, she threatened to put a cigarette out on my arm. I dared her to do it. And look. After I stopped screaming from the pain, we fucked like rabbits. And from that night on, I knew I would give up everything for that woman. My God, we had fun. Listen to me. I sound like I'm still stuck on her. She burrows under my skin like a fucking tick. Evil. My God, and the years I wasted, broken up over her.
- Etta: [Gets up from table] I don't know you.
- Frank: Sure, you do. It's... it's me, Wendell, your poopsie.
- Etta: Wendell's dead. [Walks away with Frank eyeing her purse]
- Kevin: Hey.
- Veronica: Hi.
- Kevin: Is Lana here?
- Veronica: She just left for the Alibi.
- Kevin: Hey, little Gemma. Hey, little Amy. Hey, boy from the mother I'm still pissed at.
- Veronica: Gemma tenderized Amy's skull with an Etch A Sketch before lunch. I think they miss their daddy.
- Kevin: Their daddy misses them too. Daddy also misses holding their mommy at night. One of their mommies. The other mommy, he's still confused about.
- Veronica: When will he figure it out?-
- Kevin: He doesn't know. He thinks they should get help with it.
- Veronica: What kind of help?
- Kevin: So, I called Steve Harvey. Not the guy. The show. To see if they'd take us.
- Veronica: Take us where? On the air?
- Kevin: Yeah, kind of. He said they're focused on weddings, divorces, celebrities, obese women over 40, and may do alternative families next year, and I was like, "I can't wait that long." I got no clean drawers, "and my junk hasn't been lady-touched in a week." So they gave me phone numbers.
- Veronica: For what?
- Kevin: Marriage counselors. I don't know what else to do, V. We can't keep going around in circles like the "hour-obe-ras."
- Veronica: The what?
- Kevin: The "hour-obe-ras." That... that new tequila we got at the Alibi. It had a snake eating its own tail. We can't be the only throuple on Earth that's gone through this, right? Marriage therapists have seen this stuff all the time. They'll know what to do.
- Svetlana: Who is this spastic woman?
- Veronica: Frank's wife. The kids' mother.
- Svetlana: Kids have a mother?
- Veronica: Barely.
- Tommy: You gonna tell us where you've been, Monica?
- Monica: Iowa. Some shitsville roadhouse off the 80. Bunch of truckers. More guns than teeth in that place. Once, I saw a guy skin a buck in the parking lot with a rock and a rope.
- Tommy: Wow, civility is alive and well.
- Veronica: So, what brings you back to town?
- Monica: Frank and the kids. I'm gonna make good. You hear that, Lip? I got a plan. I'm gonna set you and the kids up for life.
- Clyde: [Calls Lip] I trust you licked your wounds by now.
- Lip: What do you want?
- Clyde: I scored you an interview. Hedge fund. Just went public.
- Lip: Internship?
- Clyde: Yes.
- Lip: No. No, thanks.
- Clyde: But this one pays. I need you to go in tomorrow morning. Early. Real early. We're on Wall Street time. Come on. I feel rotten I put you through that board of appeal bullshit. Ease my conscience and make a buck. Two birds, one stone.
- Lip: I don't know.
- Clyde: You still washing diner dishes?
- Lip: Text me the details, okay?
- Clyde: Good. Don't blow it.
- Lip: Yep.
- Fiona: Etta? What are you doing?!
- Etta: Bus is late.
- Fiona: This isn't a bus stop.
- Etta: That explains it. Have you seen Wendell?
- Frank: There you are! I got your leftovers, your purse, your coat.
- Fiona: You just ditched Etta? What, Monica showed up?
- Frank: I didn't ditch anyone. She left of her own free will. And fuck Monica. My heart is a dead, black hunk of coal as far as she's concerned.
- Monica: Let me do something for you. What do you need? Money? Something for college?
- Lip: I'm not in college anymore.
- Monica: Why not?
- Lip: Got drunk. Smashed a car up with a crowbar.
- Monica: They kick you out for that? Kids get drunk and smash shit up all the time. It's what college is for. Those jerks. Well, in ten years, when you cure cancer, they're gonna come at you with an honorary...
- Lip: Hey, Monica, fuck off!
- Trevor: [Walking down street with Ian] And I don't know where she's at with her meds, so... if it turns into a total shit show... I'll still want to bang you. Probably more. [Sees sign; "Closed for private event"]What? They can't close down the entire place for one party. Fuck...
- Ian: Uh, we can hit that cowboy car that we passed down the street.
- Trevor: No, they card.
- Ian: You're over 21.
- Trevor: It's all slimy queens jacking off into urinals anyway.
- Ian: Then don't use the bathroom, all right? Hey. I'm paying. One drink, then we'll, I don't know, go grab food somewhere else.
- Trevor: I'm not going to a place where they fucking card at the door, okay?
- Monica: Hey! Hi! [Hugs Ian]
- Ian: Hey.
- Monica: My God. You're so... You're gorgeous! I made a gorgeous man. And here's his gorgeous friend. Hi.
- Trevor: Yeah, pleasure.
- Monica: Wow. Hey.
- Ian: Bar's closed.
- Monica: Shit. Well, I went by a cowboy bar.
- Ian: No, Trevor won't go there 'cause they card. Are you underage?
- Trevor: No.
- Ian: No? You sure?
- Trevor: Yes.
- Ian: Let me see your ID.
- Trevor: Fuck no.
- Ian: You are underage! Why wouldn't you just get a fake ID like everybody else?
- Trevor: I'm not fucking underage.
- Ian: Give me your license.
- Trevor: No.
- Ian: Come on.
- Trevor: No.
- Monica: Okay, if he doesn't want to show you, he doesn't have to show you, hon. Forget it. Come on.
- Trevor: It's an old license.
- Ian: So?
- Trevor: Pre-transition.
- Monica: You're trans? I couldn't tell.
- Trevor: Thanks. They make you show proof of gender confirmation surgery, so let's all gawk at the freak show, yeah?
- Monica: Hey, no.
- Ian: Wait, wait. Wait!
- Trevor: You want to see prom pictures too? That's too bad. I was in the hospital with my wrist bandaged that night. I forgot to bring my camera.
- Ian: I didn't ask for prom pictures.
- Trevor: How about ballet pictures?
- Ian: I was just giving you shit, dick wad.
- Ian: Fuck you.
- Monica: No, stop the name-calling, okay? It's getting crazy here. Ian just gets a little wound up, just like his mom.
- Ian: Why are you here?
- Monica: To see you.
- Ian: No, why are you here now?
- Monica: I-
- Ian: See, this is what she does. She just parachutes into your life like, "Hi, I'm here now." As if nothing happened.
- Monica: That's... I'm... I'm so sorry. [Stammers]
- Ian: You know, I could've used a mom when I broke my collar bone at 12. Or when I got my heart smashed for the first time.
- Trevor: She apologized. Move on.
- Monica: I'm sorry.
- Ian: Move on?! No.
- Monica: Okay. Ian, come on. Dude, I'm sorry. Come on, babe. Ian, come on. Ian, I just got here. [Ian walks away]
- Lip: Fucking Monica. What the fuck?
- Fiona: You saw her, I'm guessin'?
Ride or Die [7.10]
[edit]- Fiona: Liam, come on! Gonna be late for school!
- Liam: I'm on CPT.
- Fiona: What?
- Liam: Colored People's Time.
- Fiona: Let me guess. Frank?
- Debbie: Hey, baby.
- Neil: Oh, your breath smells like Pop Tarts.
- ...
- Debbie: If you are going to be staying here temporarily, we need to go over the rules.
- Monica: Oh, Grandma's little cabbage patch.
- Debbie: First thing's first, there will be no drugs or alcohol in this house. DCFS is going to make unannounced visits, so nobody handles Franny who is not sober.
- Monica: Mostly sober.
- Debbie: No exceptions. Curfew is 11 p.m. which is also bedtime. No sex in the apartment. Anybody who eats the groceries needs to chip in on the groceries.
- Frank: You know, it seemed like just yesterday you were at the homeless shelter begging for my help. And now, you scammed your way into your own home. I won't say I'm not proud of your ingenuity, but you might want to ease back on the Stalin-style home care.
- Debbie: It's not a scam, Frank. Neil and I are in love. And he's brain-injured, not deaf.
- Monica: Aren't they cute? Neil reminds me of that pet hamster Debbie had as a kid. [Frank chuckles]
- Debbie: The one you killed in the bathtub. You remember that, Frank?
- Frank: Yeah... that... it was a total accident. I was told hamsters could swim.
- Monica: Mm. Debbie's in love.
- Frank: Love is not supposed to be cute. Love is raw and destructive. Love is you almost stabbing me in the heart with an ice-pick when we were having an argument. That's the kind of passion you can't fake.
- Debbie: Well, Neil and I don't need passion. Come on, Franny, let's go give Daddy a bath before Mommy has to go to work. [Wheels Neil away]
- Monica: Bye, Franny. Bye, Deb. [Wraps arms around Frank] Our thrills don't have to end.
- Frank: You goddamn right they don't. You and me, we are immortal.
- Monica: So I want to show you my plan. I want to see your plan.
- [Frank and Monica are walking down street to the Gallagher residence with Lip coming in to the house oppositely]
- Monica: Hey. Aww, honey. Whoa.
- Frank: You look like shit. Looking like a chip off the old block there, son.
- Monica: Did you go on a bender alone?
- Lip: Fuck off, huh? [Turns to house]
- Monica: Booze bums you out. Change chemicals. [Offers Lip a cigarette who swipes it away and she chuckles] All right, well, next time we'll all get shitfaced together.
- Lip: I'd rather drink my own piss.
- Frank: Try a speedball after a bender. Next day, you'll be moving like a pro.
- Monica: [Grabs Frank's hand and leads him to a cellar] Come on, Frankie, follow me. Come on. [She lifts a blanket from a guitar case]
- Frank: A stash?
- Monica: [Opens guitar] Wrong. [Guitar case reveals shotgun, masks and other robbery paraphenalia] Ta-da.
- Frank: I was kind of hoping for cocaine.
- Monica: Oh, we're gonna get all the cocaine we want with these. [Hands Frank a shotgun]
- Frank: We're gonna sell 'em?
- Monica: No, we're gonna use 'em. Frank, I want to write a will... I don't have anything solid to leave the kids.
- Frank: Those kids don't need an inheritance. It'll ruin 'em.
- Monica: [Produces a notebook] Look, I lifted this from my old dealer, Eric. He had a plan to rub a police evidence room and get off with the drugs and the cash.
- Frank: How much cash?
- Monica: Eh, those aces hold like 75 to 100 grand. If we get off with half, we're golden, Frankie. Wouldn't it be great to be outlaws together again?
- Frank: We could just get wasted together again.
- Monica: No, remember all the thrills we had when we were kids? When I used to lure guys into the hotel and lock the bathroom door so we could run off with their wallets and drugs?
- Frank: Sweet bird of youth.
- Monica: Yes. [Starts pouring out a vial of cocaine onto thumb] Look, I want to leave each kid five grand so they can get a good start in life. Will you help me make amends, Frankie? Want some?
- Frank: Yeah.
- Monica: Ohh, thank you.
- Kevin: [Cell phone buzzes] That's the fifth time she's called this morning.
- Veronica: Let her bake.
- Kevin: I'm pissed. And I still really don't understand what happened.
- Veronica: Deed, business license, liquor license, bill of sale, all with our signatures on it.
- Kevin: That looks just like my handwriting.
- Veronica: Because it is. Mine too.
- Kevin: How does Svetlana own our bar and our girls?
- Veronica: Not our girls, just our bar. She told us we were signing adoption forms but really it was papers making her the owner of The Alibi.
- Kevin: So we still own our girls?
- Veronica: Yes.
- Kevin: And she still owns her kid?
- Veronica: Yes.
- Kevin: Who owns the titty van again?
- Veronica: Still ours.
- Kevin: So technically, she just owns The Alibi?
- Veronica: Correct.
- Kevin: Fuck her.
- Veronica: [Sighs] Her name is still on our bank accounts. Bitch might be cleaning us out. We gotta close 'em.
- Kevin: Can we get her arrested for stealing?
- Veronica: What do we tell the cops when they see our signatures on the forms? That we're idiots?
- Kevin: All right, I hate to tell you I told you so 'cause I know you're heartbroken, but this just proves that I was right about her without saying it.
- Veronica: You just did say it.
- Kevin: I worked at that bar my whole life. So now what? What, Svetlana's our boss? Do we still get paychecks?
- Veronica: The bar checking account is in her name.
- Kevin: We need to get her ass down here. I got questions.
- Veronica: Oh, she can keep her lying Russian ass over that bar. I don't want her back in this house.
- Kevin: Then we'll go to The Alibi.
- Veronica: I want to stab her fucking heart out
- Kevin: Right. I'll go alone.
- Kevin: We figured it out. The adoption papers thing? Pretty tricky stuff.
- Svetlana: Hmm. And I slept in shit room upstairs like you asked. Now can we be a thrupple again?
- Kevin: Uh, pretty sure that's a no since you betrayed us and stole our bar.
- Svetlana: It is not betrayal. I am superior manager at Alibi. It should be in my name, not yours. This is not news.
- Kevin: Oh, yeah? Then why'd you do it behind our backs?
- Svetlana: It's simple. You would try to stop me.
- Kevin: Good point. Still shitty.
- Svetlana: The way you run bar, we are bankrupt in six months. You are big, lovable poppa, but you are stupid manager. I save us. Now we have money for our family.
- Kevin: Well, we want it back. And I'm not stupid.
- Svetlana: You didn't know the difference between adoption papers and sales documents.
- Kevin: Wordy stuff confuses me, and it's not the same. And taking our bar is way worse than being stupid. It's cunty.
- Svetlana: Overdraft charges on many checks, penalties for late taxes, no insurance, distributors overcharging for alcohol? Stupid.
- Kevin: V was in love with you. And nobody breaks her heart but me. Except I don't break her heart. So that leaves nobody.
- Svetlana: Taking the bar is not about love. You tell V to stay in thrupple, everything is fine. I handle money. Family remains safe.
- Kevin: And what if we don't stay in the thrupple?
- Svetlana: Eh, this is not better option. And now there's no deed. This is only a copy. I filed paperwork with county clerk and IRS.
- Kevin: Damn it.
- Svetlana: Big Poppa...
- Kevin: Don't call me that. It's creepy now.
- Svetlana: Nothing has to change. You still work for me at Alibi. I still love V. I still fuck you. Do not ruin life for one small thing.
Happily Ever After [7.11]
[edit]- [Ian and Mickey are driving in Oklahoma with cholo Damon]
- Mickey: The fuck you looking at?
- Ian: Still haven't told me your plan.
- Mickey: I'm thinking a little bit of nipple pinching and some ass eating. Seriously.
- Ian: All right.
- Mickey: Hey, go straight to fucking. That's fine.
- Ian: You're a fugitive, all right? You can't just stroll across the Mexican border.
- Mickey: I told you, I got it covered. Even learned me some Spanish. [Speaks Spanish]
- Ian: What the fuck does that mean?
- Mickey: "Say that again, I'll shove your dick down your throat."
- Ian: You have any money?
- Mickey: We'll get some.
- Ian: [Police car is oncoming] Shit. [Police car passes by unsuspectingly and Mickey chuckles]
- Mickey: So, you ever been to the beach?
- Ian: No.
- Mickey: Sun all year round. No more freezing our asses off. Just sandals and tequila from here on, man. It's what kept me going in the joint. The beach. Us. Bet your white ass burns like a fuck.
- Damon: [Holds out makeshift bong from a Gatorade bottle] You wanna hit this?
- Mickey: Yeah, pass that shit.
- Damon: Don't fucking drop that shit. [Mickey takes a hit and coughs]
- Mickey: ['Pulls over to a gravel lot] Something else I want to hit. [To Damon] Yo, go take a leak.
- Damon: Don't need to.
- Mickey: Go do yoga. Sing fucking Taylor Swift. I don't give a shit. Get out of the fucking car. Go! [Damon gets out and Mickey says to Ian] Come here. Hey, I bottom now, too, if you want to switch things up. If I wanted to fuck a guy in the ass, I would have stayed in prison. Get the lube, bitch.
- Fiona: Am I gonna have to hire a new dishwasher? 'Cause if I catch you drinking on the job again...
- Lip: You want to breathalyze me? What's that for?
- Fiona: I sold the laundromat.
- Lip: Shit, already? How much you lose?
- Fiona: I didn't. Can you believe it? Once I pay off the mortgage and pay Etta back for the improvements, I'll have 75 grand. God, I know I should take it to the bank, but fuck, I can't stop staring at it. I didn't think I'd make this much money in my life.
- Lip: Yeah, you better, uh, cash that before it bounces.
- Fiona: Hey, do you know anything about, uh, mutual funds or IRAs? Figure I should be smart with the money after I blow a little on something fun. Can you pretend to be happy for me?
- Lip: Oh, no, I gotta go. You know, those of us in the underclass, we have shit to do.
- Mickey: Hey, I'm getting pork rinds and a 40. You want anything?
- Ian: Uh, coffee and a Kind bar.
- Mickey: Ugh. Fucking pussy. [Gunshot rings out from gas station store with Mickey and Damon running out] Fuck! Go, go, go, go, go!
- Ian: Shit.
- Mickey: Drive the car! Drive the car! Drive the car! [Gas station store woman employee opens fire with an assault rifle on them with them driving away unscathed] You beaner fuck! Shit! Damon, you fucking dumb fuck! Come on, what the fuck?!
- Ian: You said you were getting food!
- Mickey: I was till shit for brains here pulled his Glock out.
- Damon: I thought when you said we was getting gas, we was going to rob the fucking place.
- Mickey: I meant we were fucking getting gas!
- [Veronica is smoking out a very thick blunt]
- Kevin: Whoa. Wake and bake?
- Veronica: Saging. I read it'll help get that backstabbing cunt's bad juju out of our house. Is that what you're wearing?
- Kevin: It's a machine parts company. You don't wear loafers operating a drill press.
- Veronica: You're applying for a job. You want to make a good impression.
- Kevin: Not just any job. A man's job. I let Svetlana...
- Veronica: Don't you even think of saying her name. You know what to call her.
- Kevin: I'm sorry. I let that backstabbing cunt take my balls. Well, my nanny days are over. I'm gonna support this family and I'm gonna get my balls back. Here, take a look at this.
- Veronica: Kev, you misspelled "résumé" on your résumé.
- Kevin: What about the rest of it?
- Veronica: What rest of it? There's only one line.
- Kevin: Well, I only had one job. And I've never written one of these before.
- Veronica: You gotta beef it up. Sometimes people write their goals.
- Kevin: You want me to tell them I want to make as much money doing as little work as possible?
- Veronica: We got enough to last us for a while.
- Kevin: Hey, did any bartending gigs come up on the alert thingie on your phone?
- Veronica: Yeah, but only at fancy places. You gotta be a certified mixologist.
- Kevin: Remember all a bartender had to do was pour a shit and tap a keg? Now you can't even work behind a bar without knowing how to make a :Veronica: Campari-fennel aperitif.
- Kevin: Yeah, who puts fennel in their drink? What is fennel?
- Veronica: You got me.
- Chad: It's gonna be a Jamba Juice. Cool, huh?
- Fiona: Yeah, it's really awesome watching you guys tear apart everything I built.
- Chad: Too late for second thoughts.
- Fiona: I just came from the bank. I deposited the check. Although I took a picture of it first so I can put it on my wall.
- Chad: Feel good paying off the mortgage?
- Fiona: I didn't think you guys were gonna tear the place apart so soon.
- Chad: We're hosting happy hour. Workers start the remodel tomorrow.
- Fiona: Happy hour?
- Chad: Mm. South Side Young Professionals.
- Etta: [Attacking construction worker] Get your hands off my washer! Thief!
- Chad: Guessing you didn't tell her yet.
- Fiona: No, I did. A couple of times. She's got no short-term memory.
- Man: Lady, stop, please. I gotta work.
- Fiona: It's not easy ripping someone from their home of 50 years.
- Chad: You get used to it.
- Construction worker: Come on. Come on.
- Etta: [Attacking him with a broom] You silly ass!
- Construction worker: Jesus, lady!
- Fiona: Okay, Etta, Etta, calm down.
- Etta: Call the police. They're taking everything.
- Fiona: I know, I know. Come on, let's sit down.
- Etta: What the hell's going on?
- Fiona: We talked about this yesterday and last night. We have to leave.
- Etta: Why?
- Fiona: 'Cause there's asbestos in the walls. And the city found out and they want to shut us down.
- Etta: That fucking Mayor Daley. First he hands the White House to that goddamn Catholic, and now this crap.
- Fiona: We gotta get you out of your apartment. Just for a few days. You can come home with me.
- Etta: [Gasps] I can stay with you, Sandy?
- Fiona: Yep. I got a room all ready for you.
- Etta: Oh! I'll go pack.
- Fiona: Okay.
- Etta: Oh! Oh, we'll have fun. We can go out on the town and let the boys feel us up on the dance floor.
- Frank: [Pouring out stolen goods on table] Oh. Motel orgy loot.
- Monica: Frank, give Debbie a wallet. Or better yet, give her a ring. For their wedding.
- Neil: I'm buying her ring.
- Monica: Aww, that is so romantic. I lost mine years ago.
- Debbie: You sold it for crack.
- Frank: Let's see how this one looks on you, my love. I think it's a real diamond.
- Monica: Wow. I wonder how much Raoul's gonna give us for it. We can't sell this.
- Frank: Why not? It's the best of the bunch.
- Frank: No. It fits like a glass slipper. That should never leave your finger. Monica Jean Darrgen...
- Monica: Yeah?
- Frank: Will you marry me?
- Monica: But what about getting money for the kids?
- Frank: Let's give the kids something more valuable than money. An example of real love.
- Monica: And then we'll go back to work tomorrow?
- Frank: Sure. Today we proclaim how we feel before God and the whole world.
- Neil: Pretty sure the whole world doesn't care.
- Debbie: Pretty sure God doesn't either.
- Frank: Will you make me the happiest man in the world?
- Monica: Um...
- Frank: Come on.
- Monica: Yes. [They both laugh]
Requiem for a Slut [7.12]
[edit]- [Carl is doing obstacle course at boot camp]
- Drill Sergeant: Go! Move it, move it, move it! Go! Come on, now, move it, girls! Move your asses! Oh, you are pitiful! Move it! Look at you! I've never seen a more pitiful group of would-be soldiers in my life! Move it! Up and over! Cut through! Hop to it! Get your asses in the dirt, you maggot! Let's move it!
- Lip: She look dead to you?
- Fiona: Uh, I only saw her for a second when they were putting her in the ambulance.
- Kevin: She shit herself? People shit themselves when they die. That's why they put diapers on psycho killers before they give 'em the lethal injection.
- Debbie: I touched her when they put her in the ambulance. She was still warm.
- Kevin: Could have still been dead. Body only loses a couple degrees of heat an hour after you kick it.
- Debbie: Really?
- Kevin: Lots of things in the body are still alive. Hair, the skin, the nails, all the bacteria in your guts. And you don't start to swell up for at least a couple of days, and then your eyes pop out, skin falls off, then you explode.
- Veronica: Kev.
- Kevin: What? [Veronica motions eyes to senior woman across waiting room]
- Dr. Caughey: Gallagher?
- Fiona: [Sighs] Yeah.
- Dr. Caughey: Monica your mother?
- Fiona: Yeah. Um, Fiona. Philip and Debbie.
- Dr. Caughey: Hi. Your mother came in unresponsive. We made every attempt to revive her but we were unsuccessful.
- Fiona: So she's dead?
- Dr. Caughey:Yes.
- Lip: Drug overdose?
- Dr. Caughey: No, uh, she died from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. A blood vessel in her brain burst.
- Fiona: [Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
- Lip: Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
- Fiona: Where did you get all this stuff?
- Carl: I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
- Fiona: Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
- Carl: You have a car?
- Fiona: Mm-hmm.
- Lip: She's a rich lady now.
- Ian: Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
- Carl: Everybody, is scrambled all right?
- Fiona: Yeah.
- Veronica: [Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
- Fiona: Nice!
- Kevin: Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
- Debbie: Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
- Fiona: Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
- Lip: We can't just leave her there?
- Ian: Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
- Fiona: Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
- Carl: Hey, I'll go.
- Fiona: Really?
- Carl: Yeah, sure.
- Lip: I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
- Carl: What happened to the Alibi?
- Fiona: Svetlana stole it from them.
- Carl: How do you steal a bar?
- Kevin: Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
- Ian: You are?
- Kevin: I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
- Veronica: Not gonna happen.
- Debbie: [Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
- Ian: I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
- Kevin: That's what I said!
- Lip: Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
- Ian: Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
- Kevin: Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
- Neil: I guess.
- Frank: [Appears in family room] Monica's dead.
- Debbie: I know, we were there.
- Frank: [Sits on couch] What's with the outfit?
- Carl: School.
- Frank: Is that Monica's stuff?
- Carl: Yeah.
- Frank: You're going through her stuff? What the hell is this? [Picks up key off coffee table]
- Carl: Some key to an old apartment.
- Frank: 36 and Racine. That's that storage place. 36th and Racine. The shitty one that they stuck in the old Buick dealership.
- Debbie: Monica had a storage unit?
- Frank: This is it.
- Debbie: Why don't we just use the front door, Frank?
- Frank: Too many cameras out there. There's only one camera over the gate here. The 2884 on the key must be the code to open the gate.
- Debbie: What the hell is going on, Frank?
- Frank: Your mother told me she had something valuable for you kids but that it might be dangerous to try to retrieve it.
- Debbie: Well, how dangerous?
- Frank: Hard to say.
- Debbie: On a scale of one to ten?
- Frank: Said the DEA could be involved.
- Carl: The Drug Enforcement Agency?
- Frank: Come on.
- Carl: Oh, fuck.
- Frank: Debs, how old are you?
- Debbie: 16.
- Frank: Too risky, the Feds could prosecute you as an adult. Carl?
- Carl: 15.
- Frank: Really? You seem younger. Liam, you know your numbers?
- Debbie: You're gonna send Liam?
- Frank: Oh, he won't do serious time if shit goes down. Come here. Looky here. You see that little black box? It's got numbers on it, just like on a telephone. Go punch in 2884. What're you looking at them for? Go. It's okay. Go, go, go.
- Fiona: There's got to be something that you can do. You can't just let her win.
- Veronica: Kev went to go see that lawyer you used about suing, but he said it'll take years.
- Fiona: The Alibi is yours, not Svetlana's. It's not right.
- Veronica: Where's Carl? Wasn't he coming?
- Fiona: Yeah, I texted him the address.
- Fiona: Isn't she here illegally? You were never legally married to the bitch, right? She was already married to her dad.
- Veronica: Yvon. Wasn't really her dad.
- Fiona: So? Call Immigration on her commie ass. They'll ship her back to Mongolia or wherever.
- [Frank, Debbie, Carl and Liam are sneaking along into the storage unit facility and come upon their unit door]
- Frank: [Whispers] Get back. It may be booby-trapped.
- Debbie: Jesus, was she living here?
- Carl: If she was, she was living here with a dude.
- Frank: Holy shit.
- Debbie: What?
- Frank: [Picks up sewing box and opens it to reveal several bags of meth] Your inheritance.
- Connie: Have you had a chance to consider what sort of arrangements you'd like to make for your loved one?
- Fiona: Yeah, how do we get her into the ground as soon as possible?
- Connie: Ah. Are you Jewish?
- Fiona: No.
- Connie: Muslim?
- Fiona: No.
- Connie: Catholic?
- Fiona: Not recently.
- Connie: We offer memorial packages for families of all faiths.
- Fiona: Unless you offer something for narcissistic hedonists, let's focus on fast and cheap.
- Connie: This is our most popular affordable package, the "Dearly Beloved." It's all inclusive. Preparation of the body, classic series casket, viewing, gravesite preparation, burial, and a lovely engraved granite headstone.
- Fiona: How much?
- Connie: $7,600.
- Fiona: What else you got?
- Connie: The "Everlasting Love." Preparation of the body, no viewing, wooden casket, engraved granite plaque, gravesite preparation, and burial.
- Fiona: How much?
- Connie: $4,600.
- Fiona: Cheaper.
- Connie: The "Eternal Peace." Preparation of the body, cremation, and a decorative urn for your loved one's ashes.
- Fiona: And?
- Connie: $2,500.
- Fiona: [Scoffs] What can I give me for $500 or less?
- Connie: A cardboard refrigerator box and a gallon of gasoline in our parking lot out back.
- Fiona: I'll take that one.
- Connie: No love lost, huh?
- Fiona: It was... an eventful childhood. Okay, Connie. Connie, no bullshit.
- Connie: Hmm.
- Fiona: What's the cheapest way I can get this woman into the ground?
- Connie: [Takes deep breath and sighs] No embalming, we keep her in the fridge until we can cremate her and give you back the ashes in what is essentially an old coffee can. $750.
- Carl: How much?
- Frank: 'Nother pound! Whew. She wasn't lying. Your mother swore that she would make sure you kids were taken care of after she was gone, and she did it. This is her gift to you.
- Fiona: No way. Nope, it's getting flushed down the toilet.
- Frank: Fuck it is! Hey, hands off!
- Fiona: Give me the meth, Frank!
- Frank: This is not yours.
- Fiona: Give it up!
- Frank: This is not yours.
- Fiona: Give me...
- Ian: What the hell is going on? Frank found 7 pounds of meth in some shitty storage locker that Monica had and now he wants to sell it.
- Frank: It's your mother's legacy to her children. It's like a family heirloom, only drugs.
- Fiona: And it's getting flushed down the toilet! [Grabs a bag]
- Frank: Nobody flushes $70,000 worth of maternal bequest down the drain.
- Lip: Wait, how much?
- Frank: A pound of high quality methamphetamine, which this clearly is, worth ten grand on the street. If you want to destroy the inheritance that your mother poured a lifetime of blood, sweat, and tears into, go ahead. You got your pound.
- Fiona: She probably stole it, Frank.
- Frank: What you do with your pound is your choice, but this is not a dictatorship, Fiona. This is America, and in America, we like democracy. Everybody gets a vote. Give me liberty or give me meth! We vote. All Gallaghers in favor of flushing $70,000 of your future down the drain, raise your hand.
- Fiona: This is ridiculous.
- Frank: Come on, raise 'em up if you want to lose $10,000 each. Raise 'em up. Come on, put up y- [Fiona raises hand]
- Fiona: Lip, Ian?
- Ian: I don't know, maybe we should sleep on it, talk again in the morning? [Fiona is in disbelief]
- Fiona: W... Lip?
- Lip: What?
- Frank: Debbie?
- Debbie: $10,000 will go a long way for child care. Carl?
- Carl: Call up one of my corner buddies, see if they can unload it.
- Frank: That's my boy. Liam, come on.
- Liam: No!
- Frank: Representative democracy in action, Fiona, and I am proud to be a citizen of Gallagher Nation. Here you go, Ian. Lip. Carl. Debs.
- Fiona: No, you are not gonna hand a pound of meth to a six-year-old.
- Frank: I'll hold onto your share for safekeeping, little man. And the last pound goes to dear old Daddy Frank. I am ashamed of all of you. Oh, come... Nobody likes a sore loser, Fiona. Learning to be gracious in the face of defeat, that shows maturity. So who's hungry? I'm buying.
- Lip: I could eat.
- Bill: [Pound on front door] Open up! Open this door!
- Frank: Fuck.
- Ian: We gotta hide this stash.
- Fiona: Oh!
- Bill: Frank! Frank!
- Carl: They're gonna kick me out of school!
- Debbie: Liam, go! Move! Frank, I cannot go to jail!
- Frank: Hold them off while I hide this in Franny's bed.
- Debbie: What?!
- Bill: Open the door now!
- Debbie: [Frank is hiding meth bags in Franny's bed] No, Frank, that's not okay.
- Bill: I know you're in there, Gallaghers! Where in the hell is he? Hey, Frank! What the hell did you do to her? I'm gonna kill you, you son of a bitch! [Bill goes upstairs with heavy brawling noises and thumping, and throws Frank down the stairs]
- Fiona: Oh.
- Frank: Oh, my God! Uh, okay, wait, wait, wait! [Bill punches Frank in face] Ah! Did... no more! Okay. Okay.
- Carl: Who is that?
- Lip: It's Grandpa Bill!
- ...
- [Bill is sitting at kitchen table with Gallagher kids]
- Frank: It was an aneurysm. The doctor said she didn't suffer.
- Bill: Bullshit. She suffered every day of her life the moment she hooked up with this shit bird till the day she died.
- Fiona: Mm.
- Bill: When is the funeral?
- Fiona: We're not planning on doing much. She's gonna be cremated...
- Bill: No.
- Fiona: No?
- Bill: No. We do it right. My little girl gets a proper burial. It's what your mother would've wanted. I'll pay. I know this ass hash doesn't have a pot to piss in, never has. Doesn't have to be a- a church thing, just a-a viewing, some nice words.
- Fiona: Okay.
- Bill: [To Carl] You Army?
- Carl: Military school, sir. Haven't chosen a branch of service yet.
- Bill: Navy is the ticket, son. I did 40 years, saw the world. Best goddamn decision I ever made. [To Debbie] That your baby?
- Debbie: Uh, yes, sir. Franny.
- Bill: How the hell old are you, anyhow?
- Debbie: Um, 16.
- Bill: Oh, Jesus! [Sighs] Look, I'll be back bright and early to go and make the appropriate arrangements for your mother. I'd stay here tonight, but I'm afraid I don't trust myself not to wake up in the middle of the night and decide it is finally time to take care of a serious trash problem that I should have dealt withy ears ago! [Gets up and walks away]
- Lip: A nice guy.
- Fiona: [Frank goes up stairs] Where are you going?
- Debbie: [Chases after him] Fuck. No, Frank! Frank! Fuck' Frank. Goddamn it, Frank.
- Frank: Where is it?!
- Fiona: We gotta destroy it, Frank!
- Frank: Where the hell is it?!
- Debbie: I hid it!
- Frank: Where?!
- Debbie: You're lucky that it was just Grandpa Bill! What if it had been the cops?!
- Debbie: Stop, Frank.
- Frank: Give it back!
- Debbie: You tried to hide it in Franny's crib!
- Frank: Give me the goddamn meth!
- Debbie: Or what?! [Frank attacks Debbie grabbing her hair] Ah! Ah! Get your fucking hands off!
- Frank: You give it back!
- Fiona: Get the fuck off her! [Frank attacks Fiona] Ah! [Lip, Ian and Carl all join in the scuffle]
- Frank: You give it back!
- Fiona: Fuck you!
- Frank: Give me that stuff back!
- Debbie: No!
- Frank: It's not yours!
- Debbie: You're crazy! [Lip and Ian grapple Frank to the wall with Debbie slapping Frank in the face]
- ...
- [Frank goes outside in the backyard]
- Fiona: What the fuck was that?!
- Frank: It's not yours, Fiona!
- Fiona: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
- Frank: That was your mother's! She was worried about you, all of you, she wanted to leave you something!
- Fiona: Meth?
- Frank: That's all she had! Oh, Jesus. You don't know anything about your mother!
- Fiona: She was never here!
- Frank: She was a beautiful, crazy, fragile, wonderful woman!
- Fiona: She deserted us!
- Frank: She loved us!
- Fiona: That was love?
- Frank: Yes! Yes, it is.
- Fiona: Okay, then why did she leave?
- Frank: You don't know what you're talking about!
- Fiona: If she loved us so much, why wasn't she here?
- Frank: She tried. She always tried!
- Fiona: She wasn't here! She was never fucking here! She left! I was nine! Nine and taking care of you. Taking care of all of us. I was in fourth grade dragging your ass, passed out, in from the yard so you wouldn't freeze to death. Staying up all night with Ian when he had chicken pox. I washed Carl's shitty diapers! I picked lice out of Liam's hair! And I was here when Debbie got her first period. Not Monica. Me. And never you, you were too fucking loaded. She was a junkie and a drunk.
- Frank: Enough.
- Fiona: She didn't love me. She didn't love you. She didn't give a shit about anyone but herself.
- Frank: Please.
- Fiona: I'm glad she's dead. At least now she can't fuck us over anymore.