Shameless (American TV series)/Season 4

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Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

Simple Pleasures [4.01][edit]

Fiona: Hey, Carl. Carl. Hey! You got any Bears stuff I can wear to the game today? A hat or jersey or something?
Carl: I got a Fuck Jay Cutler T-shirt. Might have blood on it though.
Fiona: Thanks, but no thanks.
[Debbie beats Carl to the occupancy of the bathroom]
Debbie: Occupied!
Carl: Gotta take a piss.
Debbie: Go away.
Fiona: Use the downstairs bathroom.
Carl: It's downstairs.
Fiona: You're young. You'll live. [Carl walks down hallway] No. Absolutely not. No more peeing off the balcony. [Fiona goes outside and a stream goes near her] What the fuck?! Carl! [Waves to woman in her backyard] Good morning, Mrs. Babiak. [Carl comes down stairs] There's a toilet right there. Mrs. Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.
Carl: Mrs. Babiak's got my 18th birthday circled on her calendar.
Fiona: Use the toilet like a human.
Carl: Can I have Lip's old room?
Fiona: No. He's at college. Seriously, cut the shit with the nature whizzing or you won't live here anymore. That pierogi-eating prune will call the cops. And no, you can't have Lip's old room.
Fiona: Frank's a cockroach. You can stomp on him, spray him, try and drown him, but he always comes crawling back up out of the toilet bowl.
[Agressive tailgater driving a SUV yelling misogynistic obscenities roars past Fiona when she changes to the right lane]
Fiona:At least I don't have a tiny penis!
[Debbie is speaking to Mandy at Milkovich residence front door]
Debbie: Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him?
[Mandy shakes head in a sorry-can't-help-you kind of way]
Debbie: Nothing? Not even a call or a text?
Mandy: Sorry. [Mandy's face seems to say "How naive are you? Can't you tell that I want you to go away?]
Debbie: So you want to know how Lip's doing?
Mandy: Not really. [Mandy's face says "I can't possibly care less about that douche]
Debbie: He's in college.
Mandy: [Mandy puts on a forced sarcastic smile] Good for him!
[Mandy's face then turns "God, seriously?" then slams door in Debbie's face then walks into kitchen with Mickey and a man going through stolen mail]
Mickey: This is a bunch of bills, chink delivery menus and press-on-nail coupons. What mailboxes you robbing? Dearborn projects?
Man sitting at kitchen table beside Mickey: No, apartment complex over by Rush. There's an ATM card.
Mickey: Congratulations. It has no fucking pin number. What are you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes every day until they send the pin? [Makes a look of absolute disgust to him]
Mickey: [To Svetlana] Hey, you. This is all you made yesterday?
Svetlana: I give you everything.
Mickey: All $220?
[Svetlana nods in a matter of factual way]
Mickey: How many Johnsons did you squash?
Svetlana: 17
Mickey: That's, like, 12 bucks a wank. [To Mandy] Who was at the door?
Mandy: Debbie Gallagher.
Mickey: What'd she want?
Mandy: She was looking for Ian. Seen him?
Mickey: Why do you care?
Mandy: I don't. Said Lip was doing good in college.
Fiona: I am almost done with the quarterly Midwest regional reports. Can I get them to you after lunch? No sweat.
Connie: Great.
Fiona: What?
Connie: You've been working here three months as of today.
Fiona: Wow, three months? Really? Great.
Connie: After 90 days your full benefits kick in. Medical, dental, pension.
Fiona: Really? That's fantastic.
Connie: So now it's time for the talk.
Fiona: The talk?
Connie: [Sets binder on Fiona's desk and opens it] The 401 K talk. Have you decided which plan you'd like to adopt?
Fiona: What's a 401 K?
Connie: Your retirement savings plan. You're eligible to participate. Every month you deposit part of your salary into your 401 K and the company matches it, tax-free.
Fiona: Deposit part of my salary?
Connie: But the big decision is the asset allocation mix you decide to elect. Money market funds, bonds, stocks, large cap, small cap, treasuries. :Fiona: You decide the risk profile you're willing to take, get your elective deferral documents notarized and you'll be all set. Easy peasy.
[Lip approaches his African-American TA]
Lip: Yeah, I don't understand my grade on this paper. That would be a D?
Teaching Assistant: Uh, yeah, I remember this one. I graded it.
Lip: Okay, so if you graded it, what was wrong with it?
Teaching Assistant: Uh, it sucked.
Lip: It sucked? Um, look, I-I covered everything the assignment asked for. It was facile and glib.
Teaching Assistant: You danced around and you tried to be clever, but there were no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.
Lip: Oh, original thought on Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage? Look, nobody's had an original thought on Childe Harold since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.
Teaching Assistant: Look, this was crap, okay? You threw it together. You thought nobody would notice, but I noticed. Why are you taking this class anyway?
Lip: Because it was the only freshman English class available after noon.
Teaching Assistant: Well, look, you got another week to add/drop before you're stuck in here, all right? You don't want to work any harder than this piece of shit, I suggest you find yourself another course.
[Kevin goes by to visit Stan at the rest home only to discover him passed away]
Kev: [Walking down hallway] Hey! What the fuck man! He's dead!
Ward receptionist: Which one?
Kev: Stan! Stan Kopchek!
Ward receptionist: Sorry for your loss. You family?
Kev: No. Yeah. Sort of.
Ward receptionist: Yeah, well, we're not supposed to tell people over the phone when a patient dies, so we usually just say they ain't feeling good.
Kev: He's fucking cold!
Ward receptionist: Yeah. It's Joaquin. He ain't never show up for his overnight shift so we don't know how long he's been laying up in there dead. You got a mortuary you need me to call for you? Pick up the body?

My Oldest Daughter [4.02][edit]

Alan: When was the last time these things were cleaned?
Kev: April. Here you go, Alan. Breakfast of champions. And some OJ if you'd like. Yeah, I wouldn't count on that expiration date, though. Not much use of orange juice in this place.
Alan: Really, I'm good. Dad didn't age very well, did he? And he was in his 60s in those pictures. You should've seen him in his 80s.
Kev: Whoa. Hey, man's dead. Have some respect.
Alan:No, no, it's fine. He and I, I'm sure you know, didn't get along very well. You know, to be honest with you, I didn't even know you existed.
Kev: He only mentioned having a daughter.
Kev: [Chuckles] That would be me.
Lawyer: When you're ready, we can begin. I have Stanley's will here, which I'd like to read to you. Um, but out of respect, you know, I'll skip some of the colorful language. Oh, no. Please, go ahead, read it. I'm sure we've all heard it before. Uh, I, Stanley Winston Kopchek, being of sound mind and body, leave to my sniveling, faggoty, fag of a fagorama daughter by the name of Alan Willard Kopchek my gun collection, in the hopes that she'll kill herself before she chugs another AIDS cock.
Alan: Not sure we all heard that before.
Lawyer: And to the man who I wished had been born my son, Kevin Ball, I leave my beloved Alibi room. What? Oh, my. I knew it would be bad. I didn't know it would be that... Alan, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
Alan: I'll contest the will.
Kev: Absolutely, you should. He was probably drunk when he wrote it.
Lawyer: Everything was done by the book.
Alan: You know what? Never mind. Let Kevin have the bar.
Kev: Alan, are you-- are you sure? That doesn't seem fair.
Alan: You... oh, come on, do you think the homophobes that come in this place are gonna take to me as the owner? You could always sell it. Okay, tell you what we'll do. Kevin, why don't you send me $500 a month for two years, about what I would've gotten if I had sold this shit hole?
Lawyer: Okay. So I'll-- I'll write up the paperwork. I'll get you both a copy then.
Kev: That sounds fair. Alan, thank you. I-I promise, I will uphold Stan's legacy. The good stuff, not all that "faggoty, fag, AIDS cock" stuff.
Alan: Do you mind if I take dad?
Lawyer: Of course. [Lawyer hands Alan the cremation urn and Alan throws it on the ground shattering it and whipping up a dusty cloud with all of theme coughing]
Alan: Thank you.
Kev: Stan, you son of a bitch, you taught me that a man isn't a man unless he's loved a woman, eaten the heart out of a live goat, or ripped a German soldier's face off. One out of three ain't bad.
Holly: I better have a girl and not a stupid boy.
Ellie: No, you better abort that thing.
Holly: Too late.
Ellie: Never too late.
Lip's tutor: You and I breaking up? Oh, you're cute, but I'm your tutor.
Lip:So?
Lip's tutor: That's like me being your babysitter.
Lip: You know, but if he doesn't, there's freshman cock right here, waiting for you.
Lip's tutor: Call me when it's grad school cock.
Carl: Hey.
Hospital receptionist: How can I help you?
Carl: I need a liver.
Hospital receptionist: What's wrong with yours?
Carl: It's for my father. His is rotting. It smells.
Hospital receptionist: Oh, my, that ain't good. Is he on the donor list?
Carl: I don't think so. Can I sign him up?
Hospital receptionist: Your father would have to be seen by a specialist, and then, referred to us, so he can be put on the list.
Carl: Then he gets a liver?
Hospital receptionist: He'd have to wait for one to be available.
Carl: How long does that take?
Hospital receptionist: Sweetie, more than 17,000 people in the U.S. are on the liver transplant list.
Carl: That's a lot of dead livers you're gonna need.
Hospital receptionist: Six thousand people are fortunate enough to get one each year.
Carl: What about the rest?
Hospital receptionist: Doesn't work out for everyone.
Carl: What's the point of being an organ donating center if you're not donating enough organs?
Hospital receptionist: Someone from your family can donate a portion of their liver.
Carl: Me. I'll do it.
Hospital receptionist: You need to be over 18.
Carl: My brother and my sister are.
Hospital receptionist: Well, that's a start. Why don't you find out if they're a blood match with your father?
Carl: I already know they are. My father only screwed a Mexican whore while he was with my mom and they can't get pregnant.
Hospital receptionist: Everyone's blood type is different. Sometimes even if they're related. Take these at-home testing kits. Prick the person's finger, put a drop of blood on the enclosed card. It'll show their blood type.
Carl: Okay, thanks.
Lip: Hey, you, you're, um-- you're that kid's older sister, right?
Gus' sister: Oh, could you be a little more vague?
Lip: Yeah, fuck. Sorry, um He wa-- he was my year at Lincoln Grove. Sorry.
Gus' sister: If you're talking about Gus, then yes.
Lip: Gus. Yeah, Gus. Yeah. Gus, that's right. Um, hey, hey, they let him out of Shawnee Correctional yet?
Gus' sister: No, he got time added for being an idiot.
...
Gus' sister: Who the hell are you?
Lip: Uh, Lip.
Gus' sister: Lip-- Lip Gallagher. From Wallace Seet.
Lip: Yeah, the one and only.
...
Lip: Hey, what are you doing here? One of these rich frat boys need a date for the night, or--
Gus' sister: No, you asshole. I go to school here.
Lip: Oh, shit, seriously?
Gus' sister: Seriously.Yeah, you're not the only smart fuck from the yards. There are four of us here. I guess five now, including you.
Lip: Shit, sorry. I-- you know, I didn't know.
Gus' sister: Yeah, I will let it slide.
Lip: Okay. So how's it going? How you doing in this place?
Gus' sister: Yeah, not bad.
Lip: That's good.
Gus' sister: Yeah, I sucked ass my freshman year. It took me three semesters to catch up to what my classmates learned in high school. Unbelievable what a shitty education we got back home.
Lip: Yeah, hey, you want to walk over to the cafeteria with me? You know, I was gonna blaze up with one of the dishwashers.
Gus' sister: What?
Lip: Yeah, you see, I was supposed to hook up with this other chick tonight, but then I got dissed. So, um, I was thinking maybe, you know, me and you, we could smoke a fatty, maybe bang one out?
Gus' sister: Are you for real?
Lip: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Lip: You see, that-- that's my roommate down there with his girlfriend, hitting the bong. You know, they're not gonna be back till, like, after midnight, so we're-- we're good.
Gus' sister: Wow, so you think that just because you were some hot shit back home that that hood rat attitude is gonna work here?
Lip: Fuck. Excuse me for living. I didn't realize this place turned you into a fucking Disney princess.
Gus' sister: No, fuck you. You're the kind of guy I came to college to get away from. [She walks away]
Lip: [Under his breath] Fuck you.
[Lip then starts scanning the room and makes eye contact with an obese hispanic girl]
[The obese hispanic girl is Lip's one night stand, albeit in the day time, and they're in Lip's room]
Lip's one night stand: Fuck me. Fuck me!
Lip: Okay.
Lip's one night stand: Fuck me!
Lip: Thought that's what I was doing.
Lip's one night stand: Ah! Yes, yes. Lord, have mercy!
[She suddenly stops and silently gets off Lip, promptly gets dressed and immediately leaves without saying a word]
Carl: Hi.
Hospital receptionist: Oh, hey.
Carl: My dad's O-positive.
Hospital receptionist: What about your brother and sister?
Carl: Lip's AB.
Hospital receptionist: Oh, that's too bad. And your sister?
Carl: She wouldn't give any blood.
Hospital receptionist: Well, sometimes, people aren't willing to go through...
Carl: That's why I need you to test this. Think you can tell me her blood type from this?
Hospital receptionist: No. No, no, no.
Carl: Please. No boy should be raised without his father.
Hospital receptionist: Well, why didn't you touch it to the card and test it yourself?
Carl: Oh.
Fiona: Ugh, Carl, please, please stop worrying about Frank. He is a black hole of endless need that will suck the life out of you.
Carl: His liver is rotting. He smells like a monkey cage.
Veronica: Then you are definitely having an abortion, mother. There's got to be an all-night clinic.
Kev: Over my dead sperm.
Veronica: You better get a ski mask and a getaway car, 'cause that's the only way we gonna be able to afford four babies.

Like Father Like Daughter [4.03][edit]

Fiona: That's the last time I let you choose the tunes in the morning.
Mike: Yeah, you just keep acting like you hate British boy bands. I think it's adorable.
Fiona: Everybody hates them. I'm sorry I'm not a 12-year-old girl.
Mike: Yeah, well, I usually don't go lower than 14. And, you know, next time we can listen to your gangsta rap.
Fiona: Since when is Kanye considered gangsta rap?
Mike: Since always. Where'd you learn music? Mars?
Fiona: [Walks up to Mike mimicking humping] Your mom. Last time I banged her.
Mike: Oh, yeah? That makes a lot more sense. She has awful taste.
Sheila: Oh, wow, I got poked. I got poked. I got poked by the American-Indian that I poked yesterday. What do we do? "We have a lot in common. I am full-blooded Kickapoo Indian. I love laughter, food, scenic views, and the Lord. Let's talk." [Gasps] Now what?
Debbie: Uh, ask him if he's DTF.
Sheila: DTF. What does that even mean? Okay. I got to ask him if he's DTF.
[Frank visits a cannabis dispensary]
Dispensary clerk: Wow, you're in bad shape.
Frank: Well, tell me something I don't know.
Dispensary clerk: Could I see your card?
Frank: Yes. It's legit, too. Not like these whiners.
Dispensary clerk: Are you looking for anything specific?
Frank: Yeah. Something to make me not feel like I'm being stabbed repeatedly by a small army of knife-wielding Neo-Nazis.
Dispensary clerk: Well, we have Irene Kush for chronic arthritis. Sour Diesel for anxiety and panic attacks. Big Buddha Cheese for muscle spasms.
Frank: What about for fatal liver damage?
Dispensary clerk: We don't recommend bud for cirrhosis. Studies show a higher rate of moderate to severe fibrosis, or tissue scarring, in regular...
Frank: Okay, fine. Let's skip the FDA warning. Give me an ounce of the Buddha. And a med-ibles menu. [Hands over cash wad] And some samples. Free samples.
Dispensary clerk: I... um... this'll get you, like, an eighth of low-grade schwag and two cookies.
Frank: Sold.

Strangers on a Train [4.04][edit]

[Fiona is on the toilet]
Fiona: Jesus, I'm raising five kids and I didn't miss last week. What's your excuse? [Calls out] Carl!
...
Holly: Bam, you drop trou and expos-ay some sex-ay.
[Debbie and appears in doorway with excessively shiny dress]
Debbie: Does this make you cray?
Matty: Uhhh...
Debbie: So, yeah, Matty and I spent the whole night like that, spooning.
Holly: You see Billy Fergus? Ellie said he's here.
Debbie: It was really sweet. He made me breakfast.
Holly: Wake me up when you get to the good part. You clean out your cabbage patch with Purell afterwards?
Debbie: What?
Holly: It keeps you from getting knocked up. Gets the little swimmers so drunk, they can't find the egg.
Debbie: Um... No. Well, sex, we didn't have it. Matt said that we should...
Sam/Seth: I got your frappucino, Holly.
Holly: It better be caramel. Okay, go.
Debbie: Who's that?
Holly: Sam? Seth? Who cares? I tell him what to do, he does it.
Debbie: Why?
Holly: He thinks I'll maybe give him a quickie in the bathroom. He's lucky I let him be seen near me. There's Billy. How do I look?
Debbie: Slutty.
Holly: Thanks.
Debbie: Wait, Holly. Is it bad that Matty said it wasn't the right time?
Holly: He said that? "It's not the right time"?
Debbie: What does it mean?
Holly: I don't know. I've never had a guy say that.
Frank: Fucking candy striper giving a look like I'm a fucking degenerate. Egyptian royals, Incas, King Arthur, they all kept it in the family. We probably still would if Oedipus hadn't ruined it for all of us. So fine, cast the first stone. But let me ask you. If we all came from just Adam and Eve in the beginning, well, you do the math.
Veronica: Frank, can you please keep the nonsense rambling down to a minimum? Some of us have problems that we're trying to figure out.
Debbie: He's so nice and I really like him. I think it's time we take it to the next level.
Mandy: How old are you now?
Debbie: Thirteen.
Mandy: What took you so long?
Debbie: This is why I came to you. You get it. Fiona wants me to stay a little girl forever.
Mandy: So, what's stopping you?
Debbie: He said he wasn't ready. What does that mean?
Mandy: He's older?
Debbie: Mm-hm, he's 20.
Mandy: Wow.
Debbie: Thanks.
Mandy: He doesn't wanna get in trouble. He needs to know that you're totally cool with it and won't go running to the cops afterwards.
Debbie: The cops?
Mandy: Statutory rape. Some old school shit left over from when women wore corsets and didn't carry mace.
Debbie: Hmm?
Mandy: Sure you're ready? So let him know.
Debbie: But how?
[Mandy's boyfriend comes in the room]
Kenyatta: Hey, babe, I'm out.
Mandy: Watch.
Kenyatta: Oh, again? I'm gonna be late for work. Oh, come on, girl.
Debbie: It's okay. I don't think I'd be able to do that.
Mandy: So just send him a selfie.
Debbie: A selfie?
Mandy: You know, a picture?
Debbie: Okay. [Chuckles]
...
[Robbie greets Fiona at the front door]
Fiona: What do you think you're doing?
Robbie: Making ramen. Want some?
Fiona: I told you to stop texting me.
Robbie: Did you?
Fiona: Uh-huh. What part of stop do you not understand?
Robbie: What are you doing here?
Fiona: Trying to get it through your thick skull that this is over.
Robbie: Is it?
Fiona: Yes.
Robbie: Well, I mean, you could've... [clears throat] you could've called, or texted. Or used Facebook. [Leans into Fiona getting romantic undoing her shirt]
Fiona: I'm not on Facebook.
Robbie: No? [Fiona leaps onto Robbie in passionate kissing and Robbie brings her to bed]
Mike: [Knocks on door] Yo, Robbie, it's me.
Robbie: Did you know he was coming over?
Fiona: No.
Mike: I hear you moving around in there. Come on, open up.
Fiona: Oh, my God. What are you doing?
Robbie: Mike's at the door. [Puts on clothes]
Fiona: Oh, well, don't answer it. [Gets off bed and hides]
Mike: Robbie.
Robbie: Coming! [Opens door]
Mike: Hey.
Robbie: Hey. Hey. Were you in the neighborhood?
Mike: Yeah, sorry. I probably should have called.
Robbie: That's all right. What's up?
Mike: Wanted to know what you went and saw Dad about today.
Robbie: None of your damn business.
Mike: How much you ask him for, Robbie?
Robbie: Can I get you a drink? Let me get you a drink. You know the money he gives you comes right out of the company that I bust my ass to make profitable? That makes it my business. I got a Red Bull and a half a Sprite, but I can't vouch for how long it's been in there.
Mike: Dad takes the money he gives you out of his retirement account.
Robbie: Got water, but not the fancy kind.
Mike: Whatever's fine, I don't care.
Robbie: Well, you sure you just don't want to look in the fridge?
Mike: All right, that's fine.
Robbie: Oh, wait. Got a bottle. Bubbles. I know what you like, right? Listen, I know you think that they're rich, but they don't have nearly as much as you think they do.
...
[Mandy greets Lip at the front door]
Lip: Hey. You look good.
Mandy: Yeah, my boyfriend thinks so.
Lip: Boyfriend, huh?
Mandy: What are you doing here?
Lip: Just saying hi. You know I smashed up a bunch of car windows at school today?
Mandy: Hammer?
Lip: No, it was a pipe bender, actually. Got chased by the cops. Well, campus security, but still...
Mandy: Did they catch you?
Lip: What do you think? Anyway, it made me think of you.
Mandy: Random destruction makes you think of me?
Lip: Yeah, it was, uh... It was beautiful.
Mandy: What do you want?
Lip: I don't know. I, um... I almost called you a couple of times. I figured you were doing your own thing. I just missed you. Is your boyfriend here?Hey, who are all those chicks in your living room?
Mandy: Hookers.
Lip: Hookers?
Mandy: Mickey's wife. Long story.
Lip: Okay.
[They are having sex]
Lip: Man, I almost forgot how good this feels.
Mandy: Oh, God.
Lip: Shit.
Mandy: Sorry. I didn't mean for that to be a sprint. Not getting any from the white bread sorority sluts?
Lip: It's not the same.
Mandy: You got any cash on you?
Lip: Yeah, yeah. There might be something down there. I don't know, I'm not exactly raking it in bussing dishes at the student union.
Mandy: Yeah, I need the morning-after pill. Or not. I think I'm ovulating. My tits are sore. I could have just used one of those condoms. The Kenyatta's Trojan Magnums would have slipped right off of your skinny, little, white Johnson.
Lip: Ouch. Harsh.
Mandy: Six bucks?
Lip: Yeah. So skip the pill.
Mandy: Fuck you. You know how much an abortion costs now?
Lip: No, roll the dice. You know, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, having a little ghetto rug rat running around.
Mandy: That's not funny.
Lip: I'm serious.
Mandy: Yeah, that's just what I need. Raising your bastard kid in the hood while you bang co-eds in the back of a robotics lab.
Lip: Not gonna be any co-eds or any robotics lab.
Mandy: Why?
Lip: Well, the place is bullshit. It's just like I said it would be. I'm bailing.
Mandy: You're quitting? You know how hard I worked to get you in there?
Lip: Then you go.
Mandy :I don't think they'd accept my 1 .2 GPA. You can't just bail.
Lip: Drop it, okay?
Mandy: You came to me, asshole.
Lip: Look, I'm sorry, all right? I felt like shit. I thought this would be fun, not an interrogation.
Mandy: So what, whenever you feel like shit or wanna quit, you figure you're gonna hop on the L and come and knock me up?
Lip: That was my mistake.It won't happen again.
Mandy: Shithead.
Lip: Skank.
Lip: You know, I hate being the bad guy.
Mandy: But you're so good at it.
Lip: All right, think about what I said, yeah?
Mandy: Mm-hm.
Lip: All right. Thanks. You serious? Come on.
Mandy: All right. Bye.
Lip: Later.
Lip: It's 50 grand a year for four years of frat parties, you know, intellectual circle jerks, speed reading 300-year-old novels that'll be forgotten the second the test is over, all because, you know, we're told we can't succeed in the world without a piece of paper. You know, and it's bullshit. Bill Gates dropped out. Steve Jobs.
Kevin: That's that center for the Blackhawks?
Lip: Yeah, you know, it just all one big collegiate scam.
Kevin: I'm glad that place didn't turn you into an elitist prick.
Lip: No, still a Southside prick like all the rest of you.
Mickey: [Enters Alibi Room] Jesus Christ, Russian whores know how to run their mouths when there ain't some dude's junk jammed in there. [To Lip] Weren't you supposed to be at college or some shit?
Lip: Nope, packing up my Kant and Milton Friedman. I'm done with all that crap.
...
Kevin: You were joking, right, about not going back to college?
Lip: Serious. I'm done.
Kevin: I was hoping you were blowing off some steam.
Lip: Well, the truth is, it's not only up to me. My grades suck. But the only reason I'm going back there is to pack my shit and split.
Kevin: So you quit. Then what?
Lip: I'll figure it out. [Kevin scoffs] What?
Kevin: Grow a pair.
Lip: Excuse me?
Kevin: You heard me. Tough it out, man. What are you, a pussy? It's like I said. It's not only up to me. You're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
Lip: Look, Kev, this is the first good day I've had since I left for that shithole.
Kevin: Lip, do you want to end up like me? Clawing for every penny, praying that you can figure out some way to support your family? Because that's what I'm going through. I got bills up to my ass and let me tell you something. It fucking sucks. Well, you're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
Lip: All right. College is a racket, huh?
Kevin: Well, guess what? There's no one better at beating the system than you. Hell, man, you got them to give you four fucking years for free. Why don't you get your damn diploma, spit in their faces and have a fucking future?
Lip: Kev, I am trying to drink my beer, enjoy being back home.
Kevin: This isn't your home. It's where you grew up. It's not where you're supposed to be.
Lip: And what, now you're the arbiter on where everybody's supposed to be?
Kevin: Yeah, maybe, if I knew what arbiter meant.
Lip: I'm getting pretty damn tired of everybody telling me where I should be and what I should be doing.
Kevin: Then stop making them have to! Grow the fuck up!
Lip: Um... Thanks for the beers, Kev.
Kevin: Yeah, you're welcome.
Veronica: Why'd you go over there in the first place?
Fiona: To tell him to knock it off.
Veronica: Could have called.
Fiona: You're taking his side?
Veronica: Please, you wanted a hit, you little smack head.
Fiona: I did not.
Veronica: Really? Did you get that little tingle when you stepped up to his front door?
Fiona: Maybe. What do you want me to say, that I'm self-destructive? That liars and thieves and addicts turn me on? That I don't know how to do a normal relationship?
Veronica: Was that so hard?
Fiona: The worst part is I keep checking my phone to see if he's texted. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Veronica: [Glances at medical supply cabinet] Who the hell broke into my pills?
Sammi: Um... Good news and bad news.
Frank: Okay, good?
Sammi: I sent Chuckie to the neighbor's so we can be alone tonight.
Frank: Great. Uh, what's the bad?
Sammi: We're not a match.
Frank: What?
Sammi: The transplant lady said my white blood cells attacked yours.
Frank: Why the fuck did they do that?
Sammi: Oh, I don't know. I'm so sorry.
Frank: Sorry? What the hell does...? Good does that do me? I need a liver, not a goddamn apology.
Sammi: Frank.
Frank: Do you know what I've been through? I shattered my leg in six places. I stopped drinking.
Sammi: I know you're disappointed...
Frank: Just one small piece of liver, that's all I need. But no. Thank you, God. Thank you for the cosmic fuck you. Even my own daughter isn't a match.
Sammi: What?
Frank: Anything else you wanna throw at me? How about a flesh-eating virus, huh? Wanna toss that in?
Sammi: What did you say?
Frank: What?
Sammi: Your... daughter?
Frank: I didn't say that.
Sammi: Yes, you did.
Frank: No. Oh, fuck it. What's the use? Hate me now, hate me later, you all hate me eventually. And for what? What did I ever do to you?
Sammi: You're my dad? I almost put you in my mouth.
Frank: I didn't ask you to do that.
Sammi: You dry-humped my thigh for half an hour yesterday.
Frank: Dry-humping is not incest. Shit.
Sammi: Get out.
Frank: What are you yelling about?! I'm the one not getting a liver!
Sammi:[Ferociously screams]Get! Out! [She throws him out of her trailer]

There's The Rub [4.05][edit]

[Recap flashbacks of the cold open]
Lip: You let some dude finger you last night on the El?
Fiona: You make it sound so filthy. And he's not just any dude.
Lip: No, he's your boyfriend's brother!
...
Frank: Get on. [Carl steps on family room coffee table] I want you to break my leg. I need the insurance money. It's the only way I'll be able to pay for the transplant. [Carl jumps on Frank's leg, he exclaims and then goes back to sleep]
[Fiona drives to meet Robbie at a motel]
Robbie: You're wondering why I picked this corner?
Fiona: I'm really not. Well, it's 'cause-- You call me when I'm with Mike. Text me when I'm with Mike. How about we just cut out the middleman, which is me, and you can fuck your brother?
Robbie: I'm bringing you there.
Fiona: No. You're going on with your life, I'm--
Robbie: Oh, this motel? It's classy. Rooms by the hour. That's why it's fun.
Fiona: You know how last time when I told you to stop texting me and it turned into sex? This isn't that. I don't know why it took me this long to start hating myself, but I got there. It's a shitty feeling. I'm not punishing you or blaming you. I just really need this to end.
[Lip is in a public washroom stall when two Army MPs approach]
Army MP: Phillip Gallagher?
Lip: Yeah, who's asking?
Army MP: Fort Dearborn Military Police. Can you step out of the stall please?
Lip: You know, I'm gonna be busy for a while, but you can join me if you want to wipe my ass.
[Army MPs grab the washroom stall and force it open and drag out Lip]
Lip: Wait, what the fuck, man? Hey, hey!
Army MP: Sergeant, wait! You're Phillip Gallagher?
Lip: Jesus, what the hell's going on? Or do you get off on watching guys taking a dump?
[Holds up card]
Army MP: Is that your social security number?
Lip: Blow me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck.
Army MP: Do you know this man?
Lip: No, I've never seen him before in my life.
Army MP: Any idea how he got a hold of your name and social security number?
Lip: No, but it's pretty scary, you know? I'm feeling pretty fucking violated over here. What's he, uh, what's he wanted for?
Army MP: For impersonating you, apparently. Also for attempted theft of government property and being away without leave.
Lip: Wow, no shit. What did he try and steal?
Army MP comrade: Helicopter. Surface-to-air missile. Army issue boxer bris.
Army MP: Sergeant! Mr. Gallagher, we may need you to testify. We'll be in touch.
Lip: Well, at ease, gentlemen. I've always wanted to say that.
...
Lip: Hey, um, you guys heard anything from Ian?
Carl: Not for weeks. And Fiona doesn't even care.
Lip: What about the US army. You hear anything from them?

[Flashback of Carl answering Army MPs at the front door]

Army MP: We're looking for Phillip Gallagher.
Carl: He's at college.
...
Carl: No. Why the army?
Lip: 'Cause Ian joined up.
Carl: Cool. Is he old enough?
Lip: No, he used my name and social when he signed up, and then he tried to steal a helicopter and a bunch of other shit. Went AWOL.
Carl: Helicopter? Awesome.
[Robbie opens apartment door and is punched in the face by Fiona]
Fiona: Tell me what you told Mike!
Robbie: The truth! He needed to know. [Fiona kicks him in the crotch] Oh!
Fiona: Oh, that was for his sake? How generous.
Robbie: I did you a favor, okay?
Fiona: Fuck you.
Robbie: You don't want to be with him.
Fiona: You don't know shit about me. [Spits in his face and walks out]
[Mandy opens her bedroom door to find a Russian prostitute with her john]
Russian girl's john: Oh! Shit!
Mandy: You've got to be kidding me. [Smashing glass is heard with all the Russian women and Mickey at alert]
Russian girl's john: [Runs out of room nude and down hall] Ah!
Mickey: Uh, 'scuse, hey, you mind not swinging that shit around?! You're gonna fuckin' hurt someone!
Mandy: [Comes up to Mickey's face pointing a hammer in his face]This is your fault!
Mickey: Mine?!
Mandy: I'm practically tripping over these bitches. I want them gone, now! I was gone ten fucking minutes!

A Jailbird, Invalid, Martyr, Cutter, Retard, and Parasitic Twin [4.07][edit]

Mickey: Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
Kevin: I need a gun.
Mickey: Who you gonna kill?
Kevin: You wearing cologne?
Mickey: No. It's Kenyatta's perfume soap shit.
Kevin: You use another dude's soap?
Mickey: So, what?
Kevin: It's got pubes on it.
Mickey: No, it doesn't.
Kevin: Yes, it does. What guy doesn't have pubes on his soap?
Mickey: My soap doesn't have pubes on it.
Kevin: Well, obviously, you're not washing your pubes.
Mickey: You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes?
Kevin:Just give me a gun.
Mickey: You run a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?
Kevin: Not everyone's a thug.
Gay club bartender: You think you're the first one to come in here boo-hooing about some cocktail slut who jacked you off in the bathroom, told you it was true love, and then disappeared? Trust me. You're not. So why don't you buy yourself a drink and fall in love with somebody else?
Mickey: You calling me gay?
Gay club bartender: Oh. Please, honey. You make Justin Bieber look straight.
Kevin: All right, listen up. Bar got robbed this morning.
Bar patron: Yeah? What'd they take? The cocktail napkins? [bar laughs]
Kevin: $600, for your information. So who stole it? I give up. Who? No, not who stole it, like, guess who stole it. Who stole it like which one of you fuckers stole my money?
Bar patron: Why do you think we stole your money?
Kevin: Because you knew where I hid it.
Bar patron: Where?
Kevin: In the damn keg!
Bar patrons: Ooh. We do now.
Kevin: I said, [holds up a revolver] who stole my money.
[All the guns of the bar patrons are held out and cocked]
Kevin: What, everyone has a gun?
Kermit: Bible says we have the right to bear arms.

Hope Springs Eternal [4.08][edit]

[Ian has brought to Mickey to an upscale single-men-meeting-single-men party in downtown Chicago]

Ian: Hey, this is Mickey.
Host: Delighted to meet you. Uh, could I get either of you a cocktail?
Mickey: Yeah, you got beer?
Host: I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.
Mickey: How about beer?
Host: Right. Could I be any more of a fag? One beer coming up. Ian?
Ian: Let's see what you got.
Guest: You're new. Hi.
Mickey: Hey.
Guest:You here with Ian?
Mickey: Yeah.
Guest: He's great. So what do you do for living?
Mickey: I run a business.
Guest: What kind of business?
Mickey: Hospitality.
Guest: Oh, nice. What realm?
Mickey: I'm a pimp.
Guest: Wait, you're serious? That's incredible. My dissertation is on transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations. You got a card?

[Mickey just stares at the guest as if the guest is mentally disabled]

[Frank and Carl are in a meeting with all the boys Carl has assaulted and their parents and the school principal]
Principal Ramirez: Frankly, Mr. Gallagher, your son's behavior has been among the most egregious I've seen at this school, and I've been here a long time. Don't look a day over 90. He terrorizes these students to the point that they move through my halls in fear. School should not be a palace of terror. It should be a temple of learning. If children do not feel safe, how can they learn?
Boy: They can't.
Carl: She's asking me, Chipwich.
Principal Ramirez: The only way to get through to Carl is have him face the truth of what he's done and let him absorb it in a meaningful way. Do that, okay? He can't just do it. He needs to actively engage. Got any suggestions?
Boy: Yeah.
Principal Ramirez: He should apologize to my kid and every other kid here. Individually. Like he means it.
Frank: Oh, spare us the Wiener act. Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem. It teaches kids resilience. The world is a rough place. Bullying is like getting inoculated. It's a vaccine. And you little shit, you got to learn to stay away from people like my son. That's what you learn when you get punched in the face by a bully. How do you think Steve Jobs turned out so great? Bullies. And I guarantee Junior here will be getting the hottest chicks when he's 30 because he got bullied today. You want your kid to peak now? My kid will be picking up roadside garbage in an orange jumpsuit in ten years. Your kid will be in med school curing cancer and getting laid. You're welcome.
Carl: What if I want to cure cancer?
Frank: Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea from your cell mate. Spoken with love, son.
Principal Ramirez: And so what have we learned?
Carl: [With a big smile] Bullying is bad for society. It hurts people and makes them feel bad. It must be stopped.
Principal Ramirez: Very good. [Carl's smile disappears as she walks away]
Carl: Forgot my lunch. [Walks up to small hispanic boy in hallway, pushes him down and starts punching him] Give me money.Give me money, chihuahua. Come on, give me money.

The Legend of Bonnie and Carl [4.09][edit]

Lip: No, I try to make a point of not banging my roommate's girlfriend,
Amanda: So, didn't stop you last time.
Lip: I was asleep.
Amanda: Until you weren't. And we're not banging. I'm a virgin.
Lip: No, I-I've heard you and Ron go at it plenty of times.
Amanda: Backdoor only. I'm saving myself for my husband.
Lip: Right, and how would your husband feel about you having taken it in the seat like a porn star? Why'd you stop by here before class?
Amanda: Admit it, because you were hoping I'd be here.
[Amanda has taken off her top with Lip in the dorm room and Ron has just walked in]
Ron: Excuse me, guys. Forgot my Spinoza. [Ron walks past the two to get his book and leaves the room]
[Lip runs out of the dorm room to follow Ron]
Lip: Hey, um-- Hey, listen, I'm-- I'm so sorry. Just let me explain.
Ron: It's okay, dude. You don't need to be sorry. I owe you one. I was starting to hear Amanda bark orders to me in my dreams.
Lip: So we're-- we're cool?
Ron: The best part about getting a blow job from Amanda, ten minutes of silence. Come on, dude. Don't be late for class.
Amanda: Familiar with the term "quid pro quo"?
Lip: Yeah, yeah, that's, uh that's Latin for "lick mine, and I'll lick yours," right?
Amanda: Need you to meet my mom and dad for parents' weekend. Pretend we're together.
Lip: That's it? Just clean up for a dinner?
Amanda: No, no clean up. In fact, wear that shirt with all the "fucks" on it. My parents started me on violin lessons when I was three. SAT prep when I was 12. I'm a walking stereotype. For Christ sakes, I'm a math major.
Lip: You know, you-- you could do a lot worse than parents that give a shit.
Amanda: No, it's time my mom and dad know that I'm not gonna be programmed for med school like my older sister. I need to scare the living shit out of them.
Mickey: My bitch of a wife thinks I owe her something. Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a fucking load in her.
Man in car: Boys. Ride around the block?
Mickey: We look like a couple fags for sale to you?
Man in car: Yes.
Mickey: Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window-shopping.
Man in car: You're in Boystown, outside a bar called The Fairy Tail.
Mickey: Why don't you fuck off before I give you a broken spine to go along with that limp wrist? [Mickey picks up a bottle, man drives off and Mickey throws it at the driver] Yeah, get going, you fucking fruit! Thinks he can buy whatever he wants 'cause he's got a fucking Rolex and an S-class. That shit happen to you a lot?
Ian: Every night.
Mickey: From rich dudes?
Ian: Gotta get to work.
...
Amanda: You have an econ quiz in two hours.
Lip: Uh, right, you know, about that, I-I couldn't help but notice the schedule.
Amanda: I made it for you.
Lip: Yeah, no, I thought it might have been you, and you broke it down into five-minute segments. I mean, who schedules something for 12:55?
Amanda: So you can better manage your time.
Lip: Right, but you even put in preset bathroom breaks.
Amanda: I synced it to your new phone.
Lip: You got me a new phone?
Amanda: You're welcome.
Lip: Thank you. But seriously, this-- this schedule, it's just-- it's-- it's not me, okay? I'm not used to having my dumps planned out in advance. You know, it's-- I can't-- I can't regiment my life like that, all right?
Amanda: That's why I'm doing it for you.
Lip: Okay, I guess I'm just more of a, uh, fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.
Amanda: How's that working out for you?
Lip: How 'bout a quick BJ then?
Amanda: BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes.
...
[Kenyatta walks up to Mickey walking down the street from Mickey's house]
Kenyatta: Hey!
Mickey: What do you want?
Kenyatta: Mandy, she here last night?
Mickey: She wasn't with you?
Kenyatta: No, I was at work. I kept calling the house, no answer. Then I call her cell, she say she's at home. She with Lip?
Mickey: You just keep putting two and two together, huh? Hey, good for you, Einstein.
Kenyatta: He in this motherfucker?
Mickey: Nah, asshole's at college. It's a big place, lots of buildings. People go there to learn. Don't worry about it.
Kenyatta: Man, where at?
Mickey: West Maxwell. Hey, you planning on giving a beat down to every guy Mandy's been with? Your arms are gonna get fucking tired.
...
[Carl has just spraypainted "PRINCIPAL RAMIREZ IS CARL GALLAGERS (sic) BITCH" on the school lockers]
Principal Ramirez: What are you doing?
Carl: Stating the obvious.
Principal Ramirez: You just bought yourself two more weeks' detention.
Carl: Cool.
Principal Ramirez: You know, you misspelled your last name.
Lip: [To an unnamed fellow student] Engels, a genius? More like Marx's glorified butt buddy. [Gets text message from Amanda: "Big scary black man coming for you" Lip sees Kenyatta in the distance who has spotted him] Shit. Shit, hold this. [Hands cigarette to student and starts running to main building, hides under table, and Kenyatta pulls him out by legs]
Lip: What'd I do?
Kenyatta: Mandy!
...
Lip: Okay, you didn't want that answer? Excuse me, excuse me. All right, look, we're done though. We're done. Okay? All right, I got a girlfriend.
Kenyatta: Maybe I should do yours like you did mine.
Lip: Okay, but only in the ass, all right? She's saving herself.
[Campus security has pulled both Lip and Kenyatta apart] Let's see some ID. Both of you. You go to school here?
Lip: Look, I don't-- I don't know him, officers, okay? You know, he just-- he asked if I wanted to buy any crack, and when I said no...
Kenyatta: Fuck you! [Kenyatta lunges for Lip only to be tased by security]
Carl: I shot a Mac-10 before. But never one of those.
Bonnie: It's fake.
Carl: Looks real.
Bonnie: Need it to if we're gonna get the guy behind the counter to give us all the money in the register. You don't have to. I can do it alone.
Carl: No, I can do it.
Bonnie: Sure you're ready to pop your armed robbery cherry?
Carl: Yeah, I've done it lots of times before.
Bonnie: You're cute. Black or camo? [Holds up balaclavas]
...
HR secretary: How you holding up?
Fiona: I've been better. I was wondering if, uh, instead of being fired for misconduct, you could make it so that I was downsized? I don't-- I wouldn't ask if I had any other options.
HR secretary: Let me see what I can do. [Mike's sister walks up to Fiona]
Mike's sister: You have a hell of a lot of nerve. You know, I-I-I withheld judgment when my brother brought you home. I said to myself, "She can't help where she came from, how she was raised, who her parents are." My mom and dad invited you into their home. They let you sit at their table with our family, and in return you destroyed Mike. All of us. And now you come here and you ask if we will lie for you to the federal government. You think that you're a good person. You're not. Destroy your own family. And leave mine alone. [Fiona walks away looking fatalistic]
...
Bonnie: Empty the register!
Convenience store clerk: Is this a joke?
Bonnie: The cash! Now!
Convenience store clerk: Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna hand over my money to the lollipop guild. [Bonnie discharges her firearm destroying a tv] Whoa, shit! Holy fuck.
Bonnie: Get the bag.
Convenience store clerk: Sorry. Okay? Take it.
Carl: You said it was fake.
Bonnie: You should have seen your face.
[Debbie is walking along sidewalk talking to Matty on cell when Seema pulls up and gets out with baseball bat]
Seema: I don't give a shit if you're ten years old and playing with dolls. [Pokes up Debbie's chin with baseball bat] You want a war, you got it. You don't know who you messed with, bitch.

Liver, I Hardly Knew Her [4.10][edit]

Bonnie: My family lives in there.
[Carl is wearing a joking face]
Carl: The supermarket?
Bonnie: No.
Carl: Oh, 'cause that would suck.
Bonnie: In the van.
[Carl's face turns absolutely serious]
Carl: Oh, yeah. That's cool. Van.

Lazarus [4.12][edit]

[Chuckie is sleeping nearby in the boys bedroom]
Lip: What are we supposed to do with him?
Carl: We could drop him off at the butcher over at the Food 4 Less, see if they'll chop him up for bacon.
Bonnie: We having bacon for breakfast?
Carl: Nah, we're eating Chuckie.
Bonnie: Oh, cool.
Lip: She's sleeping with you now?
Carl: Your girlfriend sleeps with you.
Lip: Yeah, Amanda's 20, not 12.
Carl: Bonnie's 13.
Lip: I still don't want her sleeping with you.
Carl: She doesn't want to have sex, something about her mom's old boyfriend and a biker gang.
Svetlana: So you are Rainbow Boy now?
Mickey: The fuck you do to your hair?
Svetlana: You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now?
Mickey: I look shitty in pink.
[Svetlana opens bathrobe to reveal a strap-on dildo]
Mickey: What the fuck?
Svetlana: You like the penis, yes?
Mickey: Not when there's tits directly above it.
Svetlana: You want it up in your poop place?
Mickey: No, I don't-- I want you-- fucking-- I want you to put it away. Can you put that away? Put that fucking thing away, please? Thank you.
Svetlana: You love him?
Mickey: Maybe. I don't know.
Svetlana: Because he has a real penis?
Mickey: Yeah, I guess.
Svetlana: I hate the penis. Ugly fucking skin stick. Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penis is staring at you, hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America-- it's land of choices, yes? Freedom to be me. Freedom to be you. McDonald's, Burger King on same block. You choose. One, both. Shit, maybe we go to Wendy's instead.
Mickey: Hold-- you're a lesbian?
Svetlana: Maybe yes, maybe no.
Sammi: You fuck with the bull, you get an ass full of horns!
...
Sammi: This is America, and in this country, people have a right to see their families.
[Lip and Amanda are eating at a breakfast diner late at night with Amanda's sorority and their dates after a ritual]
Amanda: That wasn't so bad, was it?
Lip: Uh, no, the chanting part was kind of creepy. But hey, I look good in a suit, right? You know, I figured it was gonna be more wild toga party than coven.
Amanda: Well, we're a bunch of engineering majors. Our parties usually consist of us watching Big Bang reruns and bleaching each other's mustaches.
Frank: [Announcing to the rising sun on a sandspit on Lake Michigan on the Chicago waterfront] That all you got? That's it? I'm still here, you fucker! Frank Gallagher! I'm alive! You see me? You see me standing here? [Chuckle] You lost, asshole! I'm alive, motherfucker! Me, Frank Gallagher! Alive. Alive.
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