Shameless (American TV series)/Season 8
Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.
Season 8
[edit]We Become What We Frank [8.01]
[edit]- [Veronica enters Alibi Room disapproving of how Svetlana has transformed the bar to proselytize Russian culture]
- Tommy: Jesus, thank God.
- Veronica: What the hell happened in here?
- Svetlana: Halfprice drinks to anybody who can order in Russian.
- Kermit: It took me a week to learn pivo pozhaluysta, and I still think I'm saying it wrong.
- Tommy: She only plays Red Army parades on the TV. Won't even change it for the Sox games.
- Svetlana: So... you come back. It's about time. We need to talk.
- Veronica: No shit. I want you to do the right thing.
- Svetlana Which is what?
- Veronica: Give us our bar back.
- Svetlana: We'll be thruple again?
- Veronica: Hell no.
- Svetlana: Then no. You and big, handsome Kevin husband. are stupid people. You need caring for like babies.
- Veronica: We trusted you, and you lied to us.
- Svetlana: You would have lost the bar. You would have lost everything. You didn't pay taxes for two years. I stayed up all night doing books while you two sleep. You should be in here thanking me instead of whining like little baby. You want to go back to old way, fine. Otherwise, get your chorny ass out of my bar. [Veronica punches Svetlana who retaliates with Veronica headbutting her which which escalates into a fight with them both rolling on the floor]
- Kermit: Should we try to stop them?
- Tommy: Not until some clothes come off.
- Veronica: So no more Tinder?
- Fiona: Nope, V, I'm done with it. No more pointless sex bent over a dirty sink in a club bathroom or scraping my ass on a rusty alley dumpster with my underwear pushed down around my ankles. [To man staring at her] Eat your quinoa. [To Veronica] A few weeks ago, I had this joker. He comes, and then he bursts out crying. Turns out his wife had just dumped him. I was stuck there for, like, an hour consoling him, when all I really wanted was to go home to my own bed.
- Veronica: You could have just left.
- Fiona: What kind of person would I be if I just left him there like that?
- Veronica: The kind of person who uses Tinder to intentionally avoid intimacy on an almost daily basis.
- Fiona: It's not daily. I just... I can't be that person who wakes up in the wet spot of some guy whose name I can't even remembers again.
- Veronica: I would kill for a wet spot. With Kev on nights and me on days, we barely see each other, much less make a mess in the sheets.
- Fiona: What if I run over Svetlana with Kevin's truck? It'd be vehicular manslaughter, right? I'd get, what, eight years? Probably do four. I could do four years.
- Veronica: It's enough already with the "killing Svetlana" fantasies.
- Fiona: Tragic bathroom slip and fall? I hide in the shower, hit her on the top of the head with the toilet lid. Make it look like an accident.
- Nessa: So you the new slumlord?
- Fiona: New owner, yeah.
- Nessa: Nessa Chabon. 2C.
- Fiona: Hi. Fiona Gallagher.
- Nessa: If you're here to meet the gas company, he's been and gone.
- Fiona: Shit.
- Nessa: Nah. I let him in. He checked the meter and split.
- Fiona: Thanks.
- Nessa: You're welcome. I do a lot of things around the building. Lightbulbs, clogged toilets, leaky faucets, stuff like that. The previous owner didn't do shit.
- Fiona: Are you a... handyman?
- Nessa: Handy, but not a man. Nah, I'm an accountant. United Airlines. What about you? Where are you from? Humboldt Park? Bucktown? Making a small real estate play to jazz up your 401k?
- Fiona: Hardly. I'm South Side, through and through. You?
- Nessa: Immigrant from distant shores... Oak Brook.
- Fiona: That's nice. What brings you down here to live among the great unwashed?
- Nessa: I'm a pilgrim escaping gender persecution. Local country club ladies weren't too pleased with my choice of dance partners. So have you met any of the other tenants yet?
- Fiona: No.
- Nessa: Well, the old lady with cancer and cats has been living in 1C since the South seceded from the Union. Vet with PTSD in 2D always has really good weed. And the junkie couple in 1D fight a lot and occasionally set shit on fire. And the woman with the couple dozen kids from a couple dozen different dads in 1A. The kids are a terror.
- Fiona: Think it's too late to ask the bank for my deposit back?
- Nessa: So are you gonna move in here yourself or rent this one out?
- Fiona: Gonna rent it.
- Nessa: How much?
- Fiona: Not sure. Area's up and comin'.
- Nessa: Urban homesteaders and all that.
- Fiona: Yeah. Lincoln Square lumberjacks are definitely migrating south.
- Nessa: I'm not... I'm not gay.
- Fiona: Cool, I'm not looking. And you're not my type anyway.
- Nessa: What's your type?
- Fiona: Blonde and bitchy. I'm a masochist... Not physical pain, but emotional turmoil is my thing.
- Debbie: Hello, sir. May I have your ticket?
- Man: I lost it, but I've only been here a couple minutes.
- Debbie: Lost ticket pays full price, sir. $24, please.
- Man: I'm not giving you $24.
- Debbie: We take Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.
- Man: I came in ten minutes ago, right there beside you. You didn't see me?
- Debbie: No, sir.
- Debbie: My job requires that I focus on the exiting vehicles. Have you tried retracing your steps, see if you can find where you may have lost your ticket?
- Man: I'm not retracing anything, bitch. Take the goddamn money.
- Debbie: Please watch your language, sir.
- Man: My language? You want me to get out of this truck and fuck you up?
- Debbie: No, sir. I don't. Because if you were to get out of your truck, I would have to tase you and then superglue your mouth and eyelids shut until the police arrive. Now, will that be cash or credit, sir?
- Frank: Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher. I'm here to make amends. In 1995, I think I broke into your house and stole your TV.
- Old woman: I didn't live here in 1995.
- Frank: Really?
- Old woman: No.
- Frank: Could've been, '96? Did anyone ever try to rob you?
- Old woman: Woke up to a guy trying to climb in bed with me once.
- Frank: No. That wasn't me. Wait, did you used to be a redhead?
- Frank: Aldo.
- Aldo: Been a while.
- Frank: I'm here to make amends. January 1989. You and I were under the freight tracks.
- Aldo: Jesus, Frank, '89? We'll be here till Christmas. Get to the more recent shit.
- Frank: Really?
- Aldo: How about the shit the statute of limitations hasn't run out on yet?
- Frank: How long is that?
- Aldo: Seven years for everything except murder and kidnapping.
- Frank: All right, um... November 2010. We were at 63rd Street Beach doing glue. Mad Dog and you had blacked out. I had shit my pants, so I stole yours.
- Aldo: That was you?!
- Frank: Yeah.
- Aldo: You're a fucking asshole.
- Frank: Don't I know it. January 2011. Remember that little dog you used to have?
- Carl: [Unfurls the American flag in the backyard and hoisting it up on a pole á la official Army morning ritual wearing cammo fatigues and then turns to camera] America first, motherfuckers.
Where's My Meth? [8.02]
[edit]- Fiona: Thank God for the new bourgie tenant moving in. Everyone is late with their rent except you and the guy in 2C?
- Nessa: Yep. Get used to it. Deadbeats in this building never paid what's-his-ass on time either.
- Fiona: And he didn't do anything about it?
- Nessa: That loser only cared about using this place to get laid. He was like a walking ad for HPV.
- Fiona: Guess I better get checked for HPV.
- Nessa: Ryan? No, you didn't.
- Fiona: Do you love me any less?
- Nessa: [Chuckles] Nah, I brought home a few nasty girls BM.
- Fiona: Before Mel.
- Nessa: [Fiona and Ness chuckles] Just toss out whoever hasn't paid their rent and start over.
- Fiona: Nah, I've been late on the rent before. I wanna give everyone a chance to pay.
- Nessa: Sack up. It's business. [Gets up and starts to walk away, turns to Fiona] I expect the druggies, the hoarder, and the mom with 72 kids to be out of here by the time I get back.
- Fiona: Mm-hmm. Have a good day, dear.
- Ian: [Enters kitchen] Smells good. I like Corporal Carl in the kitchen.
- Lip: Doesn't taste half bad, either.
- Ian: [Referring to Lip's plate portion] Eating for two? A boy or a girl, huh? [Rubs Lip's belly]
- Lip: I'm just trying to fight the urge to drink with extreme nausea.
- Ian: Sounds healthy.
- Carl: Hey, I could try to move your meth today.
- Ian: About time. I'll go get it.
- Carl: Hey, it's not like there's an eBay for this. Shit takes time.
- Frank: Yo, yo, yo. What up, homeboys? Lip, you're 21, right?
- Lip: I'm 23, but that's fine.
- Frank: You're in the ballpark.
- Lip: Why?
- Frank: What would another 21-year-old wear to a- a job interview?
- Lip: Well, a fucking 52-year-old who was in a delusional crack haze thinking he was 21 would wear the green shirt that doesn't belong to him.
- Frank: I was gonna pick the same one. Young minds think alike.
- Carl: You got a job interview?
- Lip: What, are you looking to collect disability again, Frank?
- Frank: That was the old Frank. This Frank is different. I wish you kids could've known me before Monica coiled her body around my neck, choked to death the man I was meant to be. You're about to witness the rebirth of a proactive member of society.
- Lip: Jesus.
- Crystal: [Walks to exterior ironwrought door of apartment with children running amok] Come on.
- Fiona: Hi.
- Crystal: Uh, yeah?
- Fiona: Hi, I'm Fiona Gallagher. How are you? I'm the new landlord.
- Crystal: [Child screams] Hey!
- Fiona: Uh, your rent was due on the first.
- Crystal: Shut up!
- Fiona: It's the sixth.
- Crystal: Shut up! Your father didn't get his crack ass incarcerated, I might have money for the nice landlord lady!
- Fiona: Do you know when you might have it?
- Crystal: Uh, I'm working a shift at the Private Peak Hotel tonight, so I'll ask my manager to give me an advance.
- Fiona: Is that the place on Cermak?
- Crystal: That's the one, yeah.
- Fiona: I used to work there too. Housekeeping.
- Crystal: No shit. That's what I do. Yeah.
- Fiona: Yeah, wow. Now look at you. Really making something of yourself. I just got lucky. I mean, I raised my five brothers and sister myself.
- Crystal: Oh, how about that? We're like two peas in a motherfuckin' pod.
- Crystal: [Kid bangs] Fuck! James Jr.! You better put that lamp down. Don't crack it over your sister's head again. Better go before these demonseeds kill each other.
- Fiona: All right, I'll come back tomorrow.
- Crystal: Oh, good. See you tomorrow. [Closes interior door]
- Fiona: Nice talking to you.
- Lip: [Ian takes bag of meth from Lip] Hey, just-- just give that back a sec. What the fuck's with you?
- Ian: It's the last thing she left us. Once it's gone, so is she.
- Lip: It's crystal meth. What, are you getting sentimental?
- Ian: Eh, just kinda hit me. I don't know.
- Carl: Jesus.
- Ian: [Carl takes bag from Ian] Hey!
- Carl: For that, I'm taking a bigger percentage. A dipshit cut.
- Ian: [Shoves middle finger against Carl's face] Gotta get to work. [Goes out door]
- Mr. Adeeb: You don't have much in the way of work history.
- Frank: Been a stay-at-home dad most of my life.
- Mr. Adeeb: It says that you sold cars for a period of time.
- Frank: Yes. Not in a lot or anything. These were cars I acquired.
- Mr. Adeeb: Tell me about this, uh, recycling center you worked at.
- Frank: [Chuckles] "Worked at" may be an overstatement. I collected cans.
- Mr. Adeeb: And this Kroger's job you held for, what... [laughs] ...six hours, huh?
- Frank: In the butcher department. Sliced my hand first day. I-I got disability.
- Mr. Adeeb: Mr. Gallagher, it seems that you're not really interested in holding down a job, so why enter the, um, workforce at this age?
- Frank: I lost my wife a few months ago.
- Mr. Adeeb: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Frank: I'm not. What you are looking at, Mr. Adeeb, is a man who changed himself for the love of a bad woman. She turned me into a scoundrel. I found loopholes in the system. I skirted the man. I sent a big "eff you" to society. And now that she's dead, I'm-I'm ready to go back to who I was: an upstanding citizen, someone who respects community, a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, forever changed. I pledge to you, Mr. Adeeb and to all the other members of this big fat marble we're on, I will never let a woman change who I am again.
- Mr. Adeeb: [Inhales sharply and sighs]
- Frank: You all right?
- Mr. Adeeb: [Grunts, sighs] When I was at Harvard Med School, I... I fell in love with this... [sniffles] waitress at Legal Seafoods. Amy Schwartzman.
- Frank: A Jew?
- Mr. Adeeb: Mm. She wanted to move back to Chicago. So I quit school, followed her, proposed. She said yes, if I converted. So I took off the turban, cut my hair... and changed my name to Jerry.
- Frank: Come on!
- Mr. Adeeb: I was Jerry Singh-Schwartzman for 15 years.
- Frank: Get out of here.
- Mr. Adeeb: Now I'm divorced four months. I'm trying to... reclaim my old identity now. [Frank extends arm for a fistbump and Mr. Adeeb honors it]
- Frank: Right on, brother. - Mm.
- Mr. Adeeb: No one comes here and tells you the truth. Honesty's all you'll get from me. Then I want you on my team. I believe in second chances. Welcome to Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Mr. Gallagher.
- Frank: I won't let you down.
- Fiona: Crystal, it's Fiona. Don't run. I just wanna talk.
- Crystal: Hi. What?
- Fiona: I'm not gonna evict you, don't worry.
- Crystal: Okay.
- Fiona: But you gotta meet me halfway. Can we come up with a plan together?
- Crystal: Like what?
- Fiona: Well, you can't live here for free. Would you be able to give me something? Maybe half the rent now, half in a week or two?
- Crystal: I guess I could do that.
- Fiona: That's great!
- Crystal: Yeah, I'll get my checkbook. [Closes door and then reopens moments later handing Fiona a check]
- Fiona: Okay. I understand how difficult and stressful this can be. I've been in your position many times. Have you thought about signing the kids up for camp? It's free over by the park and maybe you could pick up a few more shifts at the hotel?
- Crystal: Yeah, I'll think about that. Okay.
- Fiona: No more ditching me, okay?
- Crystal: You got it. [Closes door]
- Fiona: "Paid to the order of the cock-guzzling, sellout bitch landlord." One cent?! Hey! Fuck you!
- Frank: You wanted to see me, boss?
- Mr. Adeeb: Yes, please. Come in. Have a seat. I'm onto you.
- Frank: Excuse me?
- Mr. Adeeb: You're not interested in being a Lumber Lawn and Lighting employee, are you? [Frank is dreading] You're here to become management. [Frank becomes jovial] One step at a time, my friend. I'm impressed by your work ethic and your dedication. That's why I'm making you the Garden Department Supervisor. [They both laugh]
- Frank: Okay.
- Mr. Adeeb: Huh?! Huh?!
- Frank: Thank you.
- Mr. Adeeb: Huh?! Yeah. [He extends arm and they fistbump] Ahh! Huh?!
God Bless Her Rotting Soul [8.03]
[edit]- Kevin: Who are you?
- Realtor: I am realtor. Hired by owner to sell shit-hole bar.
- Kevin: What?
- Veronica: Svetlana.
- Kevin: She can't do that, can she?
- Veronica: She own, she can. That's it. Enough of this shit. [Grabs Yvegeny and stomps out] Show her nothing, Kev.
- Kevin: Do you examine your breasts on a regular basis?
- Debbie: [Arrives at Neil's place to find him with Lakisha] Hey, guys. Came home early to spend some quality time.
- Neil: Um. It's over, Debbie. I'm in love with my nurse and you're a horrible person. No offense.
- Debbie: "No offense"?!
- Lakisha: You know he can't edit his thoughts.
- Neil: You don't love me, and Lakisha does. She helped me discover... my prostate. And my nipples, and my other erogenous zones, and you were just using me for my money... which is mean.
- Debbie: [Answers phone] What, Carl?
- Carl: Come home right now. Emergency family meeting. Don't tell Fiona.
- Lip: All right, so he tells me to piss off.
- Brad: You told me to piss off first time I met you.
- Lip: No, I didn't.
- Brad: Right, you just accused me of wanting to suck your dick.
- Lip: Look, he's... he's covered in puke, passed out, facedown on his broken arms, and I clean him up. Right? Which is way more than I've ever done for my prick of a father. So why am I feeling guilty that I'm not over there wiping his ass for him?
- Brad: Well, maybe it's because he wiped your ass for you when you needed it.
- Lip: Fuck that, he just wrote a check.
- Brad: Yeah, with money that he worked hard to earn and didn't owe you. You... you know what you haven't been since your old professor ran his car into a house, though?
- Lip: What?
- Brad: Depressed. Know why? 'Cause fixing a fellow human's even better than fixing a bike. And by the way, it's how we stay sober... by being of service, and by wiping asses when they need wiping. And by helping other drunks get what we got. [Sighs] You... y... you think I like listening to your shit? [Scoffs] I don't.
- Lip: No?
- Brad: No. 'Cause I'm a self-centered prick like you, but... when I listen to your shit, I feel better.
- Lip: So, it's a selfish thing.
- Brad: Yeah, now you're getting it.
- Lip: [Answers phone] Gimme a sec, be right there.
- Lip: [On phone] Yeah, you handle DUI? No, no, it's... it's for a friend. Sure, yeah, I can hold.
- Youens: Wasting your time.
- Lip: Hey, shut up and eat your fries. Yeah, I'm still here. Um, I don't know. He blew a...
- Youens: 1.8. I promise I won't drive anywhere.
- Lip: Sorry, yeah. I'm still here, yeah. He blew a 1.8. Yeah, he hit a house. Um, but he didn't injure anyone. Got lucky. First DUI? No, it's his second.
- Youens: Fifth.
- Lip: What? No, sorry. It's, um... it's his fifth DUI. Hello? Prick hung up on me.
- Youens: Told you you're wasting your time.
- Lip: Fifth DUI? I mean, h... how does that even happen?
- Youens: Ask me again when you're 60.
- [Ian and Carl are counting money on family room couch]
- Lip: [Comes in] Monica's ex found us?
- Carl: Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub. Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us. You got any money left?
- Lip: Uh, no. Only a couple hundred. I had to pay off some debts. Debs?
- Ian: Doesn't have any.
- Debbie: Spent it all on equipment and welding school. I'm broke.
- Ian: Liam?
- Liam: Yeah?
- Ian: You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth?
- Liam: No.
- Lip: We have to ask her.
- Carl and Debbie: No.
- Ian: Hell no.
- Lip: Well, has somebody got a better idea? Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money?
- Ian: Hey, Debs, how about Neil?
- Debbie: He literally just broke up with me. He said I'm a horrible person.
- Frank: [Comes in holding something furry] Evening, family.
- Debbie: Jesus, Frank!
- Ian: Whoa.
- Debbie: Is that a squirrel?
- Carl: What the hell is that?
- Frank: Roadkill, I'm afraid. I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.
- Lip: Jesus.
- Frank: Indeed.
- Lip: Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.
- Frank: Of course. [Hands over cash wad]
- Lip: Thanks. Seven fucking dollars?
- Ian: We could rob where you work. Know where they keep the safe?
- Frank: Absolutely not.
- Carl: You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.
- Frank: Monica. Not me. And it's Francis now. I no longer resonate with a hard K.
- Ian: [Sighs] Oh, fuck it.
- Lip: Let's talk to Fiona.
- Debbie: Yep.
- Frank: [Breathes hard] That's strange. I have... I have a strange... [Breathes shortly] a strange feeling. I... oof. Liam, do I feel warm to you? [Pants]
- Liam: Nah.
- Frank: [Groans and sighs] Ah. My back. [Grunts and groans] It's like... my blood is warming. [Groans and throws a shirt over his back like a superhero cape]
- Veronica: Sign over the bar to me and I'll tell them that we were legit married and this was all just a big mistake.
- Svetlana: No. I will sell my bar and live like a queen in Russia with all my money.
- Veronica: Bullshit. Your dream is a Quiznos in Kansas.
- Svetlana: I keep two-thirds of bar.
- Veronica: One-third, and you pay Kev's medical bills. You also agree to take care of the three kids three days a week.
- Svetlana: We are thrupple again?
- Veronica: No.
- Svetlana: I manage bar and all bills.
- Veronica: We do that together, and you teach me what I don't know.
- Svetlana: I teach you. But Kev, he is too stupid for math.
- Veronica: It's the inbreeding.
- Svetlana: What?
- Veronica: We have a deal?
- [Lip, Ian, Debbie and Carl are in the apartment that Fiona is renovating and she is sitting on floor with back against wall]
- Ian: If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.
- Carl: The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.
- Debbie: You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful if you could just tell us... tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
- [Fiona sighs and gets up to them lined up like a bootcamp rollcall]
- Ian: Is this the part where you lecture us? 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that...
- Fiona: You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this... how hard you tried not to have to come to me. Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit... one simple truth. Which is that I was right. When I told you that keeping the meth... was a bad idea...
- Lip: Mm-hmm.
- Fiona: [Whispers] ...I was right. When I begged you not to take it... I was right. When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was... super fucking right.
- Ian: Well...
- Fiona: I am the one who saw to your survival...
- [Ian groans]
- Fiona: ...since you were babies. I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact. So, I want you to remember this moment. So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe... just... maybe you will fucking listen!
- Debbie: Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona?
- Fiona: I am, Debs. I am. Right after every single one of you says... "you were right."
- [Ian sighs]
- Fiona: "And I was wrong, Fiona."
- Carl: Are you serious?
- Fiona: [Laughs] Yeah.
- Eric: Sweet Jesus. What is that smell? Ugh, God.
- Carl: I... I have my hot tub. It's worth, like, four K. It's, like, 33,000 in all.
- Eric: That's not enough. You still owe me 37 grand!
- Frank: Stop, stop. Let me handle this, please. Eric, is it? You were Monica's partner, I take it? Which means half of the drugs belonged to her, and we have done all we can to pay you back for your half. That smell? That reek, Eric? That stench that's filling your nostrils? That's Monica. Dead, rotting, beautiful, tortured, magnificent, ridiculous, worm-infested Monica. She died. We watched her die. And then we put her in the ground. We buried some drugs with her, but that's neither here nor there. And then we dug her up. But two bags of meth... plus nine grand and a hot tub? That's all we've got. That's it. And now she's six feet under again. And if you come near my family, Eric, as God as my witness, I will bury you with her. Are we clear?
- Eric: Yeah. We're clear.
- Mel: [Comes up to Fiona in the under renovation apartment] Did you have a chance to reconsider my friends' application?
- Fiona: I did not have that chance, Mel. I was dealing with a... family situation. And I was too busy texting Bahir and discovering your bedbug bullshit.
- Mel: So?
- Fiona: [Inhales deeply and starts walking up to Mel's face] So... I've been trying to be... nice. Been trying to be mature. Trying to rise above my station in life. But if you wanna go ghetto on me... I will beat you at that game every fucking time. So, you're gonna call Bahir and tell him that you were lying. 'Cause if you don't... I'll fill your bed with real bedbugs just so I have an excuse to burn all your shit in the street. And then I'll evict you so that I can double your rent. 'Cause you don't scare me. We clear? [Mel nods head] All right, baby. You can do this. I'm right here.
Fuck Paying It Forward [8.04]
[edit]- [Ian and Carl are jogging when they pass Lula is putting up flyers]
- Lula: You guys live up the street, right?
- Carl: Depends on who's asking.
- Lula: I'm Lula, I run the neighborhood watch program.
- Ian: The neighborhood what?
- Lula: Several houses in the area have been broken into. We're asking everyone to stay alert. They took Miss Fenderson's ventilation machine two nights ago and last night was Mr. Wilson across the street.
- Carl: The Desert Storm guy?
- Lula: They took his Purple Heart and Silver Star from his mantle and his TV.
- Carl: Messing with a veteran is a serious violation of everything we hold dear as Americans. What intel do you have of the perpetrators?
- Ian: He means we'll take a flyer [Takes a flyer] and keep an eye out.
- Lula: Uh...
- Ian: Thank you. [To Carl] Hey. [They continue jogging]
- Kevin: I can't believe I'm about to meet my real life family. Didn't know I had any relatives. How am I supposed to greet them? Do we hug? Kiss on the cheek? I don't wanna get it wrong.
- Veronica: All of my family reunions start with my aunts blaming each other for who fucked up the potato salad.
- Kevin: Wow, look at all the birds. It's all so green. It's the land of my people.
- Veronica: Looks like one of those movies where the black folks die first.
- Ronnie: [To Kevin] Just like your brothers. Love the dark meat. Must be in the blood.
- [Ian and Carl come in the door to kitchen]
- Carl: Violating a veteran of the Armed Forces requires an immediate show of counterinsurgency. Shock and awe for those bitches.
- Ian: [Hands Lip a flyer] Don't ask.
- Lip: Fuck's a neighborhood watch?
- Carl: A club of George Zimmerman-type of pussies who aren't trained for military action.
- Ian: Oh, I think it's a group version of not minding your own business.
- Liam: Fiona's gonna be pissy.
- Lip: Why, what'd you do?
- Liam: Let Sean in.
- Ian: What? Sean? Sean?! He was here?!
- Liam: Yep, then he left.
- Lip: Fiona's gonna kill him.
- Frank: Sun salutations, fruits of my loins. Am I hearing correctly? The Sean has returned?
- Liam: Yep.
- Frank: This is a test of our family's spiritual growth. I forgive him and wish him peace on his journey.
- Lip: How much longer are we gonna be putting up with St. Francis of the Southside?
- Frank: Permanent life change is a daily practice, Lip. I've just entered my symbolic 30s and they require a new sense of maturity.
- Ian: What happened to your symbolic 20s?
- Frank: We grow up fast in the age of enlightenment.
- Lip: That's great, so Frank's in his early 30s and I'm back in puberty. I'm getting a boner every morning and having to whack off.
- Ian: You're not getting laid?
- Lip: No, it's part of the rules of sobriety. You know, I'm supposed to stay away from relationships... for a while.
- Frank: Ooh, beware of rules, son. Real change happens when you reset your internal clock.
- Lip: Thanks for the fatherly advice.
- Frank: Your 30s are all about becoming a stand-up man. And learning to embrace fatherhood.
- Ian: Too bad you're out of kids to screw up.
- Frank: That's so not true. I've still got Liam. He's the only Gallagher who hasn't been ruined by that whirlwind known as Monica. And I'm going to parent him the way I should've been parenting all along, right, son? Let's get you to school on time. The first step in good parenting... Punctuality. Let's go.
- Ronnie: This is your pa after a fight, God rest his soul. His face is a little bloody after beating Buddy Smith within an inch of his life for calling your grandma a whore. We are true Kentuckians. Stand up for family.
- Kevin: Wow. That... that's what I do. I didn't know it was a Kentucky thing.
- Ronnie: These are your brothers, Biff and Barry after going deer hunting. I got their first kill right up there on the wall. And that is your Uncle Travis with one of his biggest catfish catches.
- Travis: 70 pound.
- Kevin: You use your arm as bait?
- Travis: Used my fist and my arm. Stick it in the hole, catfish chomps down on it, pull him out.
- Kevin: Damn. (LAUGHS)
- Travis: Heh, hurts a little bit but it's a hell of a lot of fun.
- Ronnie: And that's your sister Bambi. She used to think the camera flash was a poltergeist. [Laughs]
- Kevin: And what about my mother?
- Ronnie: [Sucks in teeth] She ran off, sweetie. We never heard from her again. About the same time we lost you.
- Kevin: Why did you leave me at the gas station?
- Ronnie: [Sighs] It was an accident, Barty. Your daddy went to pee and he left you at the double bubble machine because you loved to watch those little gumballs. And... he thought that I grabbed you and I thought that he grabbed you and the car was full of kids and didn't none of us know till we drove ten hours into the next state. You'll see. Tomorrow, when the whole family comes over for the barbecue... You never left our hearts.
- Veronica: [Refers to framed photo above fireplace] Who's this?
- Travis: That's Great Grandpa Colonel Joe Petersman. He was a decorated raider in the Civil War.
- Veronica: [Referring to two African-Americans on either sides of him] Who're the two guys behind him?
- Ronnie: Jessup and Harold. Old members of the family.
- JJ: [His foot is caught in bear trap in backyard] Ow! Oh, what the fuck?!
- Carl: [Rushes out back door] Oh, shit! I got him!
- JJ: [Groans] Uh, ow! Oh! Oh! What the fuck?! Aah!
- Carl: I see you found the little copper treat I left you.
- JJ: Who are you?!
- Carl: I'm your worst fuckin' nightmare!
- JJ: Ahh!
The MisEducation of Liam Fergus Beircheart Gallagher [8.05]
[edit]- Carl: [Visiting JJ chained up in the basement] I see you found the little treat I left you. Sorry I gotta keep you down here, son. I understand why you did what you did, but you stole from a veteran, homey. It's a crime against America. Actions have consequences.
- Beverly: Hey there, associate manager of the garden department.
- Frank: Aha! Hey, hand me that little spade over there... Ah, heck, you know what? Never mind, forget it. I'm already covered in dirt.
- Beverly: Mrs. Seery told us about Liam's test. The parents have assembled a committee to eliminate cultural bias in standardized testing. We're petitioning Congress to support the Every Student Succeeds Act, and we're instituting a round table to open each exam question to multiple interpretations based on ethnic and economic considerations.
- Frank: It's an excellent start, and I'm happy to lead the charge, although sometimes I feel like our journey is this big and a committee is this big.
- Beverly: Your hands... filthy.
- Frank: Some employees like to wear gloves. I prefer the sensation of my bare hands in the moist soil.
- Beverly: Wish I could get laid someplace comfortable, like with a bed or... Show me your hands again. [Making love to Frank in the storeroom] Oh! Your fingernails are so dirty! Ah! Now tell me how much you made last year, without taxes.
- Frank: I don't know. Two grand, maybe, and I don't pay taxes.
- Beverly: Ah!
- Ian: Hi.
- Quinton: The boy from tea.
- Ian: Yeah. Uh, look. Sorry to bug you so late...
- Quinton: Reasons you're here. Quickly.
- Ian: We need money to buy the church, or we'll lose it.
- Quinton: Buy? I thought you wanted to lease.
- Ian: It changed.
- Quinton: I don't appreciate unannounced home visits. Run along, now.
- Ian: I know you from The Fairy Tail. You're a Friday night regular. You cover your face with your turtleneck when you come. So maybe your wife would like to know about that.
- Quinton: Hon? It's the redhead from the club. Thinks you should know about my turtleneck. Also, he wants money.
- Lillian: Lillian. I'm the one with the money. Pleasure. How much would you like?
- Ian: Um... 30K, for a down payment to buy a building for at-risk youth.
- Lillian: I hear you give exquisite head. I'm curious if your skills extend to both genders.
- Frank: Good night, son.
- Liam: You get the light? Read to me.
- Frank: Why would I do that?
- Liam: Other kids' parents read to them at night.
- Frank: Oh. Right, that's a... that's a thing. [Picks book off table] Uh... "The victorious strategist seeks battle after the victory has been won, while he who is destined to defeat first fights and seeks victory afterwards." Hmm.
- Liam: Are we at war?
- Frank: Yes, we are, son. You're, um... probably a little young for this, but I'm gonna plant a seed here. Those rich, white, liberal parents at your school were once radicals. Rebels. Renegades. At some point, they fell in step with societal expectations and became robots. So when they look at us, loudmouthed, antiestablishment, unafraid to confront the power structures, they feel alive. So... we gotta take advantage of that. Right?
- Liam: Right.
- Anne: Mr. Gallagher, a word. Liam failed his exam today. He only got two out of ten questions correct.
- Liam: I didn't understand the questions.
- Frank: What kind of questions are we talking?
- Anne: Basic word association. "Jennifer blanked the glue and finished her project." The choices were "applied," "kicked," or "sliced." Liam scribbled them out and wrote "sniffed."
- Frank: Well, technically, it works. What else you got?
- Anne: "The front door is to the foyer as the back door is to..." The choices were "sidewalk," "kitchen," "street." He wrote "penis."
- Frank: How the hell would he know what a foyer is? What are we, the Rockefellers?
- Anne: These questions are standardized across the private school curriculum...
- Frank: To favor the students who understand the references. This is cultural bias. You'll put his face on your brochure, but you ignore his background.
- Anne: I understand your concerns, Mr. Gallagher...
- Frank: Great. What are you gonna do about them?
- Kevin:V, do you know Southerners have 80 different ways of saying "I did not know that"? Listen. "Well, slap my ass and call me Sally." "Well, sit on my face and call me Bernard." Who's Bernard?
- Svetlana: Where is ledger, for checks?
- Veronica: I took care of it.
- Svetlana: I would like to see it, please.
- Veronica: I know how to cut a damn check for a damn liquor distributor.
- Svetlana: There were three errors last time and cost bar $300. It's unacceptable.
- Veronica: Are you standing here telling me I don't know how to run my business?
- Svetlana: I'm standing here telling you that your math is shit.
- Veronica: [Reaches under counter and produces binder pointing with pen] Hold up. Are these the stubs for our paychecks?
- Svetlana: Yes.
- Veronica: You cut two checks. There's three of us.
- Svetlana: We all make same amount. It's 50/50.
- Veronica: We own two thirds of the bar. We should be making a third of the profit each, not half.
- Svetlana: I work longer shifts. I do all the paperwork. I call when plumbing goes bad.
- Veronica: Excuse me, you do not get to decide how much Kev and I earn.
- Svetlana: You work eight hours together. I work eight hours alone. So 50/50.
- ...
- Kevin: Okay, so let me get this straight. You want to take half the profits, even though you're one person, and you want us to get half, even though we're two people. That's not fair.
- Svetlana: It is more than fair.
- Veronica: You stole our bar. You shouldn't get shit.
- Kevin: Honey, we've moved past that.
- Veronica: Not when she crawls up on me like I'm some sort of weak fool. That's not how this works. We each get 1/3. Period. End of story.
- Kevin: Agreed. You heard her. This time, we get what we want. Now, I'm gonna go get a bucket of extra crispy and a pile of biscuits for lunch. When I get back, we'll go over all the orders and maintenance and shit. Until then, keep your saddle greased and your guns oiled. [Gets up and walks to front door]
- [Fiona and Margo are meeting with two black men at The Alibi Room]
- Margo: And these are contingencies, like appraisals, and, um, inspections and mortgage agreements, but no rush, by the way. It's just for your information.
- Man 1: We'll have our lawyers look it over.
- Fiona: Sounds good.
- Ian: Hey, Fi.
- Fiona: Hey.
- Ian: You Margo?
- Margo: I am.
- Ian: Well, your office said we could find you here. [Hands over envelope] I have a check for the church. It's a down payment.
- Margo: Who are you?
- Ian: The youth shelter. We were gonna lease it, but now we wanna buy it.
- Fiona: Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor?
- Margo: You two know each other?
- Fiona: This is my brother.
- Ian: That's my sister.
- Fiona: Come outside a second. I'll be right back. [Fiona and Ian walk out of the diner] Those guys are buying the church.
- Ian: Wait, has anyone signed anything yet?
- Fiona: Well, no, not yet.
- Ian: Cool, okay, so go tell them not to.
- Fiona: Ian, you don't want that place. It's... it's a piece of shit inside.
- Ian: Oh, no, we love it. It's perfect.
- Fiona: Well, you'll find another place. I mean, trashed buildings that nobody wanted before are popping up for sale all over.
- Ian: They'll find another place. We found it first.
- Fiona: The neighborhood is against the shelter.
- Ian: You, like, speak for the neighborhood now? People wanna feel safe.
- Fiona: My kids wanna feel safe. These guys are South Side. They want to give back. They want to engage the community, provide programs for kids in need. Kids like yours!
- Ian: My kids don't need art classes. They need homes. They're at-risk.
- Fiona: They're not at-risk, they are risk, Ian. That girl you brought into our house bit off a dick!
- Ian: That's exactly why she needs help!
- Fiona: I have worked too hard and risked too much of my ass and put it on the...
- Ian: I promised those kids that church, Fiona. I am not tearing it...
- Fiona: Find another fucking church! [He walks away unsatisfied]
- Carl: [Opens door and JJ bursts in with unconscious girlfriend] Who the hell is this?!
- JJ: This is my girlfriend, all right? [Lays girlfriend on couch] I was at Betty Ford three times. It didn't work for me, cost a fortune. You cleaned me up in five days. Here. That's cash, from my parents. It's five grand, plus, Nora-Jean's folks are gonna give you $2,500 for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.
Icarus Fell and Rusty Ate Him [8.06]
[edit]- Sierra: What can I get you?
- Kevin: Can I get a coffee, two sugars, and a bran muffin, please?
- Ian: What's up?
- Kevin: [They do hand slaps] Hey, what's up, man? [Has a realisation] Hey, can I ask you something?
- Ian: Yeah, sure. Shoot.
- Kevin: How did you know you were gay? Were you, like, straight, and then started experimenting and just decided that you liked being gay more?
- Ian: I... guess I just kinda knew.
- Kevin: So you were always positive that you were into dudes more?
- Ian: I... no, I guess not really. You know when you're younger, everyone tells you that you're supposed to be into girls. So I, I kinda went through this weird phase in fifth grade where I was really into this chick Carrie Yazel, but I'm pretty sure it's just 'cause she was the one who looked most like a dude. It wasn't until...
- Kevin: Until what?
- Ian: Justin Timberlake.
- Kevin: Yeah. He's hot.
- Ian: Yep.
- Kevin: Are you attracted to me?
- Ian: No.
- Kevin: Why not? I'm not hot?
- Ian: Yeah. But I mean...
- Sierra: Ian, soy latte no foam, extra hot. Two sugars and a muffin. Yours is paid for. The guy at the end of the counter. I gotta run.
- Kevin: You buy my muffin?
- Muffin man: Yeah.
- Kevin: Are you hitting on me?
- Muffin man: Excuse me?
- Kevin: Are you trying to fuck me?
- Muffin man: N-n-no. No, I j- I just- I, uh- no.
- Kevin: 'Cause it's not a... It's not a bad thing if you were. I'm not offended. And I'm not saying no.
- Muffin man: I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Um, once a week, I... I try and do a good deed.
- Kevin: So... So you're not hitting on me?
- Muffin man: No. No. No, no. It was totally random. I really... I hope you're not offended, because, you know, I... I just... You're a good looking dude and everything, I'm just...
- Kevin: No, I'm straight, so.
- Muffin man: Okay. Thanks.
- Kevin: Yeah. Sure.
- Muffin man: Have a nice day.
- Kevin: Is that code?
- Muffin man: For what? No. No, it's not code for anything. It just means "have a nice day."
- Kevin: Right. Okay, sorry.
- Muffin man: No. Okay.
- Kevin: [Playful tone] Have a nice day. [Winks at him and walks away]
- Muffin man: The fuck?
- Cami: If you do find him, don't bring him back. Unless he's sober. He used up all nine of his lives.
- Lip: Brad's been a rock for us. And we want to return the favor.
- Cami: [Hands baby to Lip] Would you mind? I'll get the tea. It's so nice having somebody to talk to. We waited four years... Four years... To have a baby, hoping Brad could handle it.
- Youens: [Cami hands cup to him] Thank you.
- Cami: And the second we do, he goes off the wagon.
- Lip: Listen, Cami, you should be pissed, of course, but it's a disease, you know, and he's fighting it.
- Cami: I can't be worried about two babies. I have to be worried about where the next paycheck is coming from and then feeding that one! You're a natural.
- Lip: I think it was all him.
- Cami: There you go. There you go. Hey there. [Puts baby in crib] I know. Sorry. I love Brad. Sober Brad. If he wants to kill himself... he has to leave us out of it.
- Pharmacist: May I help you?
- Debbie: Yes, hi. I called in an order for the morning after pill.
- Pharmacist: No, you didn't. It's not by prescription.
- Debbie: Yes, I... please?
- Pharmacist: $65 and your ID, please. Yes, thank you. Sorry, you have to be 17 in Missouri to buy the pill.
- Debbie: What? No. I'm almost 17. That's ridiculous. If I'm not 17, I have to have another baby? That doesn't even make any sense. Well, what am I supposed to do? God. Fuckin' Missouri.
- Lip: That's his truck.
- Carl: The hell is that sticking out of the truck?
- Youens: I think it's Michael Jordan's arm.
- Lip: United Center? [Opens door to find truck cab stuffed with pastries] You got to be fucking kidding me. Apparently he looted a bakery.
- Carl: Okay. Shit's now getting dark. What are we gonna find next, a body? Why do you even care about this dude? He's a psycho.
- Lip: Done worse. It's extensions, see?
- Carl: So? What does that even mean?
- Lip: It's like a goddamn puzzle. It means he's a drunk. Come on, help me get the arm.
- Carl: Why?
- Lip: 'Cause if Bulls fans find it in Brad's truck, they're gonna skin him alive. Come on.
- Carl: What the hell are you gonna do with it? It weighs like 1,000 pounds.
- Lip: Yeah, I know.
- Debbie: Excuse me, ma'am? Would you please help me? I made a mistake and I'm trying to take responsibility for it. I had a little bit too much to drink, and I didn't use any protection. Would you be so kind as to buy me the morning after pill?
- Woman: Of course.
- Debbie: Really? I really appreciate that. Thank you. Sisters gotta stick together.
- Kevin: Have you guys ever experimented? Like in chemistry class?
- Tommy: I took shop.
- Kermit: Me too.
- Kevin: No, not a chemistry experiment. But, like, you know... sexually?
- Tommy: No.
- Kermit: Nope. You mean like rolling her over?
- Kevin: No. Forget it.
- ...
- Tommy: Jesus! Who died?!
- Frank: Gotta look sharp for my Employee of the Month portrait session. Just another rung up the ladder, boys. Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.
- Debbie: Hey. Hi, Franny. Good morning. How are you? It's Mommy. I'll be back in just a few minutes. Sweetie. I know someday you may want a brother or sister, but... right now I need to make sure I can finish welding school so I can get a sweet job and we can get a house, a yard, and a swing set... how about that? Wouldn't that be fun? But right now if I had another baby, that would be a really big disaster. [Yoli walks out of pharmacy and Debbie chases her] Hey, did you get it?! Hey! Where's my pill?! [Grabs woman's hair and they fall to ground fighting]
- Yoli: No fucking way!
- Debbie: Give me back my money!
- Yoli: Get off of me! You slut!
- Franny: [From phone on ground] Mama.
- Veronica: Damn.
- Fiona: Hey.
- Veronica: You are so beautiful.
- Fiona: Thanks.
- Veronica: You know what I just realized?
- Fiona: Is something wrong?
- Veronica: If I were gay, I would be all over you. You're gorgeous, and I already love you, but... I'm just not interested in your vagina. And that tells me that I'm not a lesbian. Simple logic.
- Fiona: Does this have anything to do with the Russian invasion of your pussoir again?
- Veronica: There's something about that angry bitch that gets me off even when I want to stab her with a rusty carving knife.
- Fiona: It's pretty obvious, isn't it? You like it when she bosses you around.
- Veronica: I do not like it. It pisses me off.
- Fiona: Well, it doesn't piss off your vagina. V, you like to be dominated.
- Veronica: Dominated? Have you met me?
- Dog catcher: That's the one that eats human flesh?
- Fiona: [Uses loop stick on dog] Come on, is that necessary?
- Dog catcher: I've been bit by big and small. Hurts every time. [Leads dog away from a tearful Fiona]
- Kevin: I tried, okay? But I'm not even part gay. I'm just a boring hetero dude. So go ahead, you and Svet can have your spasgasms. I'll just be here on the couch, jerking off.
- Veronica: Well, it was brave of you to try.
- Kevin: The truth is, I just wanted to make you jealous.
- Veronica: Like I am. You don't have to be jealous, babe. I think Fiona helped me realize what her real power is over me. It's not the vagina.
- Kevin: What could be more powerful than a vagina?
- Veronica: It's her bitchiness. It's not women. It's being dominated.
- Kevin: Well, great. Maybe I could do that for you.
- Veronica: You?
- Kevin: Sure. Why not? What could I do? Just tell me. Give me some ideas. I'll try anything you ask.
- Veronica: I'm yours to command.
- Kevin: Just tell me... how to dominate you.
- Veronica: I think you're missing the point, babe.
- Kevin: All right, I'll go. I'll be right back and boss you around, okay?
- Frank: Adeeb's not joining us?
- Chuck: I'm- I'm sorry to say no. Um... Mr. Singh was let go yesterday.
- Frank: Chuck, if I may, this is not easy for me. Adeeb was a dear friend as well as a colleague. He took a chance on me. In a way, he gave me a new life.
- Chuck: He was first rate, all right. So you can understand that... though I am flattered... and yes, ready to step into his place, I do it with a heavy heart.
- Frank: I'd thought it would be a while before I replaced him.
- Chuck: Frank... you have the wrong idea.
- Frank: Is that so? Well, if this is a... a move to corporate...
- Chuck: I'm here to let you go, too.
- Frank: What?
- Chuck: Today is your last day.
- Frank: I- I don't understand. I'm Employee of the Month. What did I do wrong?
- Chuck: My gosh. Nothing. Nothing at all. You were the model employee. Corporate is shutting down the store. Half the stores in the country, actually. See, the Internet gutted us, like a... an alien popping out of our stomachs and eating our brains. I'm working my way across the country like the Angel of Death. And once I finish burying Spokane, there'll only be one man left to fire.
- Frank: Who's that?
- Chuck: Myself. I wish you luck, my friend.
- Frank: Thank you, Chuck. But men like us... We land on our feet. We're diligent, dependable, honest. We got gumption, cando spirit. Temporary setback at best.
- Chuck: Right.
- Brad: Who let me be a father? That kid is so screwed having me as an old man.
- Ian: Everyone's old man is an asshole. You're not special.
- Brad: Tell me I didn't fuck Yoli. I can't go back. I can't face Cami. They're better off without me.
- Ian: Drink your coffee.
- Brad: I just don't have it, man. I don't have the strength. Let me go. Just... let me go, look at me.
- Ian: You think you're such a fuckup? You got everything, man. Everything that matters, you've got. You think that was an accident? You built that family. Right? You built that business. Hard work. Recovery every day. You have a life. You have people that love you. 'Cause you deserve it. So shut the hell up, you whiny bitch. Drink your coffee. And then you're gonna start over. I hurt my hand on your fuckin' ribs.
- Brad: Yeah. I think you might've broke one, too.
- Ian: Good, asshole. I owe you.
- Waitress: [Referring to TV] Hey. Hey, turn that up.
- Newscaster: ...and the search for the most hated man in Chicago continues, as the fate of the Michael Jordan statue's arm remains a mystery.
- Brad: Somebody cut off the arm of the Michael Jordan statue? What kind of asshole would do something like that? No. No way. It's just 'cause I... I love him so much, man. What did I do with it? Because, you know... I- I'll be burned at the stake if people find out.
- Lip: It's taken care of.
- Debbie: Lady?
- Yoli: What?
- Debbie: Do you have any kids?
- Yoli: No.
- Debbie: You didn't want any?
- Yoli: I can't.
- Debbie: Sorry.
- Yoli: Go to hell.
Occupy Fiona [8.07]
[edit]- [Fiona is awoken by a bucket of water thrown on her by Ian]
- Fiona: What the fuck?!
- Ian: Morning.
- Carl: No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...
- Fiona: [Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!
- Debbie: Think we should do something?
- Carl: She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.
- Debbie: He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?
- Carl: He does.
- Debbie: So we shouldn't do anything?
- Frank: Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.
- Debbie: Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.
- Frank: No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.
- Debbie: Wait. You got fired?
- Frank: I did not get fired.
- Liam: Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?
- Carl: Permission granted.
- Debbie: Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.
- Carl: I still need $3,527 for tuition.
- Frank: Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.
- Brad: [Enters kitchen] Mornin'.
- Frank: Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.
- Debbie: Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.
- Frank: No luck needed, Debs.
- Brad: [Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!
- Debbie: Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!
- Brad: God
- [Kevin is watching BDSM porn on his laptop with his toddler daughters in front of him]
- Veronica: Kev, we're out of toilet paper. Can you get some today?
- Kevin: Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Kevin: Hey, is this the thing you were talking about, with wanting to be dominated? 'Cause it looks painful. I mean, look at the guy with the pole up his ass. He's sad in his eyes.
- Veronica: You really think you should be watching Triple-X Hardcore with the girls?
- Kevin: I have the volume on mute.
- Veronica: I just want to feel a tiny bit controlled. You telling me what to do. You be in charge instead of me being in charge. Is that so hard?
- Kevin: No, it's just, you know... We haven't had spicy... salsa since the girls.
- Veronica: Mm, all the more reason to caliente it up.
- Kevin: Okay, so what do you want me to do? Buy some props, some leather, or what?
- Veronica: I don't know, Kev. You be in charge.
- Kevin: All right, fine. I'll see you later today. Or maybe I won't. I'm being mysterious.
- Veronica: I'm late. [Kisses him] Love you.
- Kevin: Oh. Love you.
- Veronica: [Kisses daughters individually] And you. Love you, love you.
- Fiona: [Speaking on bullhorn to tenters] You look hungry. I bought you pizza. It's being delivered right now to the park. Completely free. All you have to do is go there and eat it.
- Tenter: Hey, hey, Ian says we're not to leave camp.
- Fiona: [Without bullhorn] It's meat lovers pizza! [Into bullhorn] I repeat, there is hot, free meat lovers pizza waiting for ya! Twelve large pies! And I will pay you 20 bucks each to go eat it! Okay! Follow that pepperoni smell! Who wants a crisp $20 bill?! [Repeatedly] You get a 20... You get an extra 20. An extra two 20s. [To migrant laboreres] Okay, boys! Bring it in! Rapido, rapido! Clear the lot! Thank you, thank you! Everything goes!
- [Carl is riding the Chicago El and following a man with a briefcase at a station who leaves it and Carl intercepts it, opening it in an alleyway]
- Carl: Fuckin' A.
- Kassidi's father: [Appears behind Carl] Where is she?!
- Carl: Who's she?!
- Kassidi's father: Don't "who" me, you little shit! Kassidi! My daughter, where is she?!
- Carl: Uh, I can't disclose that to you, sir. I promised her.
- Kassidi's father: How old are you kid, 15?
- Carl: Sixteen.
- Kassidi's father: Well, maybe you don't know this about the world yet, but girls like Kassidi, this is what they do. You have no idea how many times I've done this ransom bullshit thing. My daughter's a Venus flytrap. Lures you in, and snap, eats you slowly over time. Just like her mother. And you're on the menu. Now tell me where she is.
- Carl: No can do.
- Kassidi's father: Tell Kassidi it's Tiffani's 12th birthday on Friday, and her mother wants her at the club. In the same blue Chanel dress she ran off in last Friday. Make sure she gets it dry-cleaned.
- Fiona: Hey. Look, I don't care who's right or who's wrong anymore. I just want this to be over.
- Ian: You threw away their shit.
- Fiona: And you called an inspector on me. Cost me 400 bucks in sprinkler services. We both did shit. We're both guilty. I don't care anymore. I just want to fix this. I called Margo. She's got another building she's willing to lease. It's way down on Ashland, but it's got good bones and she's willing to rent it monthly.
- Ian: I already found the perfect building. You stole it.
- Fiona: I understand that you feel wronged. And while I do not see it that way, I'm trying to do the right thing here. I got Margo to waive first and last.
- Ian: We don't want your charity.
- Fiona: Wait, where... where is this place?
- Ian: Fuck off, Fiona. The answer's no.
- Fiona: What the fuck is wrong with you? I am trying to move forward here and you are acting like a toddler! What is going on with you? Are you off your meds?
- Ian: What?
- Fiona: You heard me. Your meds. Are you taking 'em? Are you?
- Ian: Yeah. I am taking my fucking meds, Fiona. I'm just... fucking angry. Are you gonna accuse me of being off my meds every time I get fucking angry for the rest of my life? 'Cause I am allowed to get angry... at bitch assholes when they are being fucking bitch assholes!
- Fiona: It's a good building. At least take a look, okay?
- Frank: Fucking unbelievable! That's what it is.
- Kevin: What is, Frank?
- Frank: This United States of America. I played by the rules. I gave my life, my blood, sweat, and tears to that job. Paid my taxes...
- Tommy: For a few weeks.
- Frank: Colored inside the lines. Didn't roll through the stop sign. And where did it get me? Up the ass, that's where. Right up the ole poop shoot. I was moving up in this world. And now? I'm a 50-something adult white male with a couple of years of college and managerial experience, and the only thing available to me is minimum wage! The system is fucked! Give me a shot of Jamie. And leave the bottle. The America we knew has ditched the party and turned the lights out, boys and girls. And left us white guys in the dark to fight each other over the few crumbs left behind by our masters. Am I right?!
- Akram: You think you're having a shit day, pal? I'm being deported next month. Been here 25 years. I was a translator in Iraq during the goddamn Desert Storm. Now they're kicking me out. Because of a fucking speeding ticket. I tried to flee up to Canada, but they stopped me at the border, wouldn't let me in, sent me back.
- Frank: Wait, you're trying to get out of America?
- Akram: Yeah.
- Frank: Jesus, that's a piece of fucking cake.
- Akram: Yeah, maybe for a white guy.
- Frank: [Extends hand for a handshake] Frank Gallagher.
- Akram: Akram.
- Frank: Akram, my friend. This could be your lucky day.
Frank's Northern Shuttle Express [8.08]
[edit]- Fiona: So, what are you working on next?
- Ford: I'm just going to a house over on Franklin. Owner saw some work I did on a Marion Mahony Griffin house.
- Fiona: A... who?
- Ford: One of the world's first female architects. Born in Chicago.-
- Fiona: Wow.
- Ford: You never heard of her.
- Fiona: No.
- Ford: She worked with Frank Lloyd Wright.
- Fiona: I heard of him.
- Ford: He stole most of her designs.
- Fiona: What a douchebag.
- Ford: You ever seen any of his buildings?
- Fiona: I don't know. I don't think so.
- Ford: They're all over the South Side.
- Fiona: Really? I thought there was just a bunch of crack houses down here.
- Ford: No. Some amazing historical buildings in this area.
- Fiona: Really?
- Ford: It's one of the reasons I moved to Chicago. Do you wanna see some of them?
- Fiona: Sure.
- Frank: Team, if I could have your attention. Thank you for being here this morning. I want you to know that just because you look like terrorists, doesn't mean you should be treated like 'em. Until America can distinguish between good brown people and bad brown people, it's my goal to get you all safely across the border into Canada. Shh, shh, shh. Discretion, right? You can all thank me later when a big bull moose is slurping an ice cold Molson right out of your butthole! Okay, not an alcohol and sex kind of a crowd.
- Fiona: I don't even wanna know what's going on here, Frank.
- Frank: Entrepreneurship, Fiona.
- Ford: This is one of my favorite buildings in the city.
- Fiona: This place?
- Ford: One of the first residential highrise buildings ever built.
- Fiona: No shit. I've walked past here a thousand times.
- Ford: Built as luxury apartments for the Chicago Exhibition in the '30s.
- Fiona: I know a guy who got his face shot off in here.
- Ford: Arched windows. It's Romanesque revival. Look at the ornamental cornice.
- Fiona: I would look at it if I knew what a cornice was.
- Ford: Up the top, there. Come here. See all that extraordinary masonry work and detail? It's remarkable.
- Fiona: You mean the little ribbon things?
- Ford: It's polychromatic brick façade on top of beautiful stone.
- Fiona: Looks kinda like a castle.
- Ford: Yeah.
- ...
- Fiona: This is the Frank Lloyd Wright thing?
- Ford: Built for the Robie family. And the planters are supposed to break the inside out so it divides.
- ...
- Ford: And we're under a bridge. And now everyday places...
- Frank: Okay, here we go.
- Grace: Hey, Frank.
- Frank: How are you?
- Grace: Can I get three Advair discs?
- Frank: You bet. Bobby Junior'll be breathing easy in no time, Grace.
- Lionel: And it's costing me half of what it costs down here?
- Frank: Yes, sir.
- Lionel: All right, give me three months' supply of Januvia, 100 tablets of Diovan, 10075 milligram pills of Praluent and you might as well throw in two EpiPens.
- Frank: Jesus, all that's for you, Lionel?
- Lionel: I'm a walking medical disaster, Frank.
- Frank: Well, that's why God invented Canada. Okay, everybody, get your orders in. Now, I'm giving you all a low, low special introductory price. I can't be so generous with my fees next time. You ready, Mauricio?
- Mauricio: Yeah.
- Frank: Okay, you take a stool softener with all that Vicodin. You don't wanna end up dead on the can like Elvis.
- Fatemeh: What's Canada like, Mr. Frank?
- Frank: Well, it's wilderness as far as the eye can see. Filled with maple trees that have an endless supply of magical syrup in their trunks.
- Fatemeh: I would like to try magical syrup.
- Frank: You will, Fatemeh. You will also receive a pound of Canadian bacon, a pair of ice skates and a gift card to Tim Hortons as a welcome gift.
- Fatemeh: Wow.
- Man: Wow!
- Frank: If you thought Lady Liberty had a lot to offer, wait till you see what the lumberjack country has in store for you. Health care for all, marriage equality for gays, legal hookers for the asking.
- Fatemeh: I think I will enjoy Canada.
- Frank: The Canucks can be a boring people, but every now and again, Mother Canada spits out a halfway decent talent like Bill Shatner, Celine Dion, um, Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber.
- Fatemeh: I would like to meet Justin Bieber.
- Frank: Anything's possible. That's why Canada's called The New Land of the Free.
- Pastor: Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man also lie with mankind" as he lieth with a woman, both of them "have committed an abomination."
- Congregationalists: Praise the Lord.
- Pastor: But we are here today to give sweet Tammy a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of the Lord and return back to her flock.
- Ian: Are you fuckin' kidding me?
- Pastor: Matthew 18 says we must confront the sinner and give him a chance to repent. So, I ask you in front of your family, Tammy, do you want to be cured of the homosexuality disease and go back to being a normal girl again?
- Tammy: Yes.
- Trevor: Jesus.
- Pastor: Do you want God back in your life, Tammy?
- Tammy: I do.
- Pastor: He can't hear you, Tammy. Do you want God back in your life?
- Tammy: Yes! Yes.
- Pastor: Then let us now close our eyes and raise our palms to Tammy so that we may light the path for this lost lamb to find her way back to the kingdom of heaven where she can become the beautiful, feminine woman with long hair that she was put on this Earth to be.
- Congregationalists: Amen.
- Ian: I'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy.
- Trevor: Come on, let's get out of here.
- Fiona: It's beautiful.
- Ford: Traditional Craftsman. Built in 1923. Greene and Greene were influenced by the English Arts and Crafts movement.
- ...
- Fiona: I love all of the stained glass.
- Ford: Yeah, they're typical of these places. It's what they call Arts and Crafts houses.
- Fiona: Cool.
- Ford: Come here, I wanna show you somethin'. Sit. You won't be disappointed.
- Fiona: Okay.
- Ford: Look up.
- Fiona: My God. That is awesome. What is that made with?
- Ford: Hand painted with gold leaf. It's brilliant?
- Fiona: Yeah, it is. You're not kissing me back.
- Ford: I'm sorry.
- Fiona: No. I'm sorry, I... I thought you were single. I didn't see a ring.
- Ford: I am single.
- Fiona: My gaydar's usually better.
- Ford: I'm not gay.
- Fiona: Wow.
- Ford: I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.
- Fiona: You asked me to lie on a bed with you.
- Ford: Right. To look at the ceiling.
- Fiona: I'm sorry. No, no worries, I...
- Ford: I'm not looking for anything...
- Fiona: No, I got it.
- Ford: Complicated.
- Fiona: Complicated?
- Ford: Your family and everything. You.
- Fiona: Me?
- Ford: You're complicated.
- Fiona: Okay.
- Ford: Didn't mean it as an insult.
- Fiona: No, I mean... Being called complicated feels... awesome. I'm gonna go.
- Ford: I'll drive you back.
- Fiona: No, it's okay. I'll just, Uber.
- [Ian and Lip are in kitchen with Carl, Debbie, Liam and Kassidi]
- Ian: Do we have a Bible?
- Lip: A bible?
- Ian: Yeah, the good book.
- Lip: I doubt it.
- Fiona: [Appears from front door] Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?
- Ian, Lip, Carl, Debbie and Liam: Yes.
- Fiona: Are you serious?! How?!
- Lip: Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
- Carl: And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
- Debbie: Who had several different names.
- Ian: Almost married a heroin addict.
- Liam: Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
- Debbie: Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother?
- Lip and Carl: Yeah!
- Ian: Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
- Lip: Wow, you found a Bible?
- Fiona: Okay, I get it. I'm complicated. I'm gonna go walk my dog now. Well, I can keep going. Fuck you guys. At least Rusty loves me. [Leaves out backdoor]
- Pastor: This poor child couldn't help himself once the devil got inside of him. Psalm 101:3 says, "I will not look with approval on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do. I will have no part of it."
- Ian: Romans 13:810 says, "Let no debt" remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law."
- Pastor: What is your name?
- Ian: Ian... Gallagher.
- Pastor: Are you a homosexual, Ian?
- Ian: Indeed, I am.
- Pastor: Would you like to come up to the altar and bring Jesus back into your life?
- Ian: No. I'm... I'm good. See, I already got Jesus in my life.
- Pastor: Corinthians 6:9-10 clearly states, "Neither the sexually immoral nor" male prostitutes nor homosexuals "will inherit the kingdom of God."
- Congregationalists: Amen.
- Ian: Really? 'Cause Colossians 3:11-13 says, "Here there is no Jew or Gentile, barbarian, Scythian," slave nor free, but Christ "is all, and is in all."
- Pastor: Corinthians 6:17-20, "Flee from sexual immorality." All the sins a person commits are outside of the body, "but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."
- Ian: Galatians 5:14, "For the entire law" is fulfilled in keeping the command: "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
- Pastor: The lust of the flesh comes not from the father, but from the world.
- Ian: Woe to you, teachers of law and Pharisees, you hypocrites.
- Pastor: You don't actually think you can win a Bible quoting contest with me.
- Trevor: He does.
- Pastor: Are you the queer boyfriend?
- Trevor: No, I'm queer transgender ex-boyfriend, actually. But we'll probably start banging again soon. Hey, any of you queers sick of this bullshit wanna get out of here? We got this brick building over on Ashland. It's the one with all the gay rainbow flags.
- Lewis' father: I'll go.
- Lewis' father: Lewis! Get back here! Lewis! Get back here!
- Ian: You wanna fight? I'll fight you, but you're gonna get your ass kicked by a homosexual. Let's go. [Holds up bible and walks to door] Fags, this way!
- Mother: [To son] No!
- Steven's father: Steven you get over here, right now.
The Fugees [8.09]
[edit]- Carl: Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
- Fiona: Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
- Kassidi: This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
- Fiona: What's with the... documentary?
- Kassidi: Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
- Carl: Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
- Kassidi: This is where you first went down on me.
- Carl: She's crazy about me.
- Lip: Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
- Fiona: Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
- Lip: What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
- Fiona: No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
- Lip: Hey, we get another dog?
- Debbie: That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
- Lip: The fuck's a Toto?
- Debbie: Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
- Carl: Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
- Kassidi: Mh-hmm.
- Lip: Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
- Debbie: Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
- Ian: Mornin'.
- Fiona: Morning.
- Lip: You and, uh, Trev boning again?
- Ian: Definitely turning a corner.
- Fiona: Everybody's boning somebody but me?
- Carl: We don't call it boning.
- Kassidi: It's uniting our souls.
- Debbie: Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
- Liam: Does a hickey count?
- Fiona: [Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
- Veronica: Burn this into your mind. Ready to take on Svetlana today?
- Kevin: Dominance is in my DNA. It was hibernating inside me like a baby bear. But now I'm woke. Mm. Grown and grizzly.
- Veronica: You wanna practice the rules again?
- Kevin: I'm a man, V. Men don't practice. We perform.
- Veronica: Svetlana is a professional ballbuster. You gotta come strong.
- Kevin: Oh, I'm gonna lay down the law at The Alibi. No more Mr. Nice Guy. There are new rules, there's a new attitude, and... I want to be called "sir." "Sir Kev." No, nah, just... just "sir." Maybe "Sir Ball"?
- Veronica: I want her wearing a uniform. One of those ugly grandma blouse that you tie up to the neck. I'm tired of her flashing her ta-tas all around.
- Kevin: From now on, your ta-tas will be the only ta-tas getting flashed. This bacon? It's not crispy enough. Do it again. Dominance. Boom.
- Frank: You guys actually do wear those hats. I thought that was only in cartoons.
- RCMP officer: So you 'fugees come here, pick up some Invokana, Advair, EpiPens, smuggle it back.
- Frank: Hey, we're servants of a just cause, huh? Health care in the States rapes the elderly and the poor. Our way's the only way some grandpa's not gonna keel over from leukemia before his 90th birthday. Or a kid in some tenement doesn't stop breathing after a peanut butter sandwich.
- RCMP officer: Lot of cash. How much were you planning to buy?
- Frank: Well... what do you say you just drop us right up here, you hold on to the stash for some Tim Hortons? No harm, no foul.
- RCMP officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. I'm gonna pretend you didn't just attempt to bribe a member of Her Majesty's Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
- Frank: How 'bout you pretend you didn't just arrest us? This poor homeless man needs asylum from the war-torn streets of Aleppo. The United States turned its back on him.
- Rami: I'm a computational biologist at Loyola who overstayed my visa.
- Frank: I'm soliciting empathy, Muhammad. Nobody likes a braggart.
- Rami: It's Rami. Sounds nothing like Muhammad.
- [The RCMP cruiser crashes into a moose knocking out both RCMP officers]
- Frank: Ow! Ah! Jesus! Ah!
- Rami: What was that?!
- Frank: The fuck?! [Sticks head out of window to determine cause of accident] That, Mr. Computer Biology, was a gift from Allah. Let's go. Come on, come on, come on.
- Rami: [Referring to officers] Wait. Are they dead?
- Frank: Uh... Let's go.
- Kevin: New rule. No more of your ta-tas hanging out. This is a decent establishment. There will be a dress code.
- Svetlana: [Veronica holds up modest shirt] This is shirt to bury Catholic nun in, huh? Not to sell drinks.
- Veronica: It's your new uniform. This will teach you a lesson that you don't fuck over the people you love.
- Svetlana: [In Russian] Unless those people are stupid.
- Kevin: "Tupyye. Tupyye." You say that a lot. It means "stupid," right? [Grabs Svetlana's chin and turns her face to his] Well, here's a new new rule. You don't call us stupid anymore. [Svetlana jerks face away, grabs shirt, walks away and Kevin says to Veronica] Dominance. Boom.
- Debbie: [Uses her welder torch to bust open a car trunk to reveal cellophane-wrapped bricks and collects it] Mommy's gonna get her tuition. Yes, she is.
- Freelania: [To Kevin and Veronica] I am looking for Svetlana Yevgenivna, pozhaluista.
- Veronica: Svetlana! Customer!
- Svetlana: Freelania Alexeyevich? [In Russian] Fuck, can not be.
- Freelania: I am blast from whoring past, no?
- Svetlana: [In Russian] We go aside to talk.
- Veronica: Hey! No speaking Russian!
- Kevin: Five minutes and you're back unloading the liquor stock.
- Svetlana: What do you want?
- Freelania: You helped to smuggle me into this country. Freelania Alexeyevich always repays her debts. You said you would drop dead before I could find anyone to turn me from whore to wife. I would like to see you die now, please.
- Svetlana: Not true. You were always ugly bottom-feeder, only good for hand jobs.
- Freelania: Very true. It's too bad you are still... bitter prostitute slave working for poor people. If you weren't such a cunt, madam, you might be able to marry well too. $4,500 for 40 pounds of lube and vagina cleanse. Debt repaid. Now you are a "ugly bottom-feeder."
- Veronica: Break time's over. [Throws trash bag at Svetlana's feet]
- [Svetlana follows Freelania outside who gets into a Bentley Contininental and drives away with Svetlana mouthing "bitch"]
- ...
- Veronica: Svetlana's been on that laptop all day. I don't trust it.
- Kevin: Think she's plotting revenge?
- Veronica: This is the same chick who offed her husband/father and no one's ever found the body.
- Svetlana: Permission to take cigarette break, Sir... Ball?
- Kevin: Permission granted.
- Veronica: She gonna kill us.
- ...
- Veronica: How long Svetlana been on her break?
- Kevin: Feels like a long time, right?
- Veronica: Kev, this isn't good. I told you, she is plotting something against us. Some Russian chick comes in here yesterday, and ever since, Svetlana's been acting weird.
- Kevin: That's it. I'm gonna put a stop to this. Domination time. [He and Veronica walk up to Svetlana] All right, what's on the laptop?!
- Svetlana: It's personal business.
- Kevin: New rule: no personal business at work. Open the laptop.
- Svetlana: No. It's private.
- Veronica: New rule: show us what's on the laptop or get shipped to the gulag.
- Svetlana: [In Russian] I'm not showing you shit.
- Kevin: Show us what's on the damn computer, or we're gonna call Immigration.
- Svetlana: We had a deal. No ICE.
- Veronica: New rule: no deal.
- Kevin and Veronica: Show us the fucking laptop!
- Svetlana: Fine! [Turns around laptop] You want to see what I'm doing? I am looking up fact after fact about rich old fuck who's about to marry a bottom-rate whore who I helped smuggle into this country. She gets to have American dream, live life of beauty and privilege while I sit here and get shit on by two ex-lovers who still treat me like a prostitute slave, who make me wear a vampire blouse just to strip me of the last bit of dignity that I still have.
- Rami: I need to rest. I think I busted my knee.
- Frank: It's not swollen enough to be busted. It's probably just bruised. And men on the battlefield don't let something like a little busted knee stop them. You want freedom? It doesn't come with R&R. Freedom means arms severed and legs blown off. Every soldier has the scars of battle.
- Rami: We're not soldiers! We're fugitives. My wife and I just had a son. I was planning on getting settled in Montreal and then sending for them. And what if I die out here tonight and never see them again?
- Frank: Well, if you died, you'd have the respect of your son. He'd be able to say that his dad did everything to give him a better life.
- Frank: You may be an asshole and a know-it-all and a pain in the ass, but you're a hero to your family.
- Rami: Thank you, Scout Master.
- Frank: It's Frank. All right, you get some rest. I'll take the first watch.
Church of Gay Jesus [8.10]
[edit]- Frank: You missed it, didn't ya? You don't know what happened last week. You want me to tell you? Give me 100 bucks. Come on, 100 bucks, I'll tell you what ha... Okay, 50 bucks! You make a good living! Give me some fucking money! You want to know what happened or not?! Well then, fuck you! I'm not telling you! [Walks away]
- [Ian is pinpointing locations on a map]
- Lip: My God... You're, still at it.
- Ian: Yeah, I'm trying to figure out where all the gayhating churches are. There's like one in every neighborhood.
- Lip: Homophobia's back in style.
- Ian: Not for long.
- Kassidi: And for you, my sweet, hot bitch... I found it.
- Carl: [Holds up necklace with a vial] What is it? Is that blood? Is that your blood?
- Kassidi: Yeah. It's your blood now. You possess me, and vice versa. [Brings Carl to sink with a kitchen knife] Here. Come here. I'll try not to nick an artery.
- Debbie: Gross.
- [Fiona is painting walls in apartment]
- Nessa: Hi.
- Fiona: Hi.
- Nessa: Nice color.
- Fiona: It's called "Dangerous Robot." I'm doing the bathroom in Liquid Kitty.
- Nessa: What happened to just "blue"?
- Fiona: Blue... is not badass.
- Nessa: Well, neither is Liquid Kitty, it sounds like a dyke bar. Why don't you just paint it "Wet Pussy"?
- Fiona: Benjamin Moore didn't have that one. It took me forever to choose. What is my taste, even?
- Nessa: Ghetto chic.
- Fiona: That's by necessity, not choice. Well, you're asking the wrong gal. Mel handles this shit.
- Nessa: And her style's like... resort meets brothel.
- Fiona: That's perfect for a nursery. You guys start picking out cribs?
- Nessa: Crib, singular. We're down a fetus. I miscarried.
- Fiona: Oh, shit.
- Nessa: It's okay. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but we hadn't figured we'd both get pregnant.
- Kevin: What does it say now?
- Veronica: [Reading off phone] "Sassy Russian exprostitute" seeks single geriatric male with piles of money and a terminal illness."
- Kevin: Subtle.
- Veronica: Guy named Gerald seems interested. Luxury cigar importer.
- Kevin: [To Svetlana] Hey, guess what we're doing.
- Svetlana: I can find my own rich husband.
- Veronica: We know that you can, but if a wealthy cigar importer comes into The Alibi tonight, it won't kill you to smile and have a drink.
- Svetlana: What is the point of smiling?
- Veronica: Make other people feel good.
- Svetlana: I make people feel good other ways.
- Kevin: Yes, you do. But there are some situations where hand jobs are not appropriate. [Svetlana walks away unimpressed]
- [Fiona and Ford are walking through warehouse of antique furniture]
- Ford: American midcentury modern.
- Fiona: That's cool. Mmm.
- Ford: Reference to the Danish design movement of the 1950s. [Fiona laughs] Try it.
- Fiona: It's comfy.
- Ford: Hmm-mmm
- Fiona: Not sure it's me though.
- Ford: Says who? You get to choose that. That's what design is for. Decide who you want to be. [Attractive saleswoman walks up to Ford with him and her conversing in Greek and she walks away] Thank you.
- Fiona: What the fuck was that?
- Ford: Greek. I lived in a monastery in Macedonia for a while.
- Fiona: Of course you did.
- Ford: And I just scored you a $2,000 chair for 450, which is insane.
- Fiona: I'm not gonna spend $450 on a chair.
- Ford: It's not a chair. It's an investment in your future self.
- Sue: Well, lookee here, Mr. Popularity. Mr. Mr. Viral Sensation.
- Ian: Okay.
- Sue: Mr. King of the Queens.
- Ian: Kind of hoping they'll lose interest.
- Sue: Yeah, well, there's more and more of them every day. They're blocking the garage door. I'm gonna have to park the ambulance outside by the curb so I don't accidentally run somebody over. What do they even want?
- Ian: Guess they just want to be seen by... someone who sees 'em back.
- Sue: Please. Looks to me like they want to douse you in syrup and slurp you up with a spoon.
- Ian: Could be down for that.
- Ford: That chair suits you.
- Fiona: Might be the first time I bought something I didn't actually need.
- Ford: Beautiful, functional everyday objects should be affordable.
- Fiona: My idea of affordable is looting the house of the neighbor who just OD'd so I don't gotta buy new shit.
- Ford: I've got an old coffee maker that needs a loving home.
- Fiona: Ooh. Now you're talking.
- Kevin: Here you are, sir. On the house.
- Gerald: Thank you.
- Kevin: Of course. Our elders are a precious resource. Thanks for staying alive.
- Gerald: I'll drink to that. [Svetlana walks over] My, my. You must be Svetlana. Wow. What a knockout. Good evening, ma'am.
- Kevin: May I procure you a cocktail?
- Svetlana: Vodka.
- Gerald: Your profile was, quite provocative. You were an escort for a time, weren't you?
- Svetlana: Hand whore. Occasional cock-sucking and fucking. What is your name?
- Gerald: Gerald.
- Svetlana: "Gerald." Sounds like bald man drowning in hot soup.
- Kevin: [Hands drink to Svetlana] There you are, m'lady.
- Gerald: What would it run me if, you and I were to take a walk out to my vehicle and you were to keep me company for 30 minutes?
- Svetlana: $900,000.
- Gerald: Forty bucks. And you take off your shoes so I don't get any... dirt on my seat. [Svetlana punches Gerald in nose and walks away]
- Kevin: Could've gone worse. Don't know how.
- [Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
- Ian: It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
- Gay Jesus fans: [In unison] That's right. That's right.
- Ian: We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
- Fiona: Jesus, listen to that.
- Kassidi: [Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
- Frank: "Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
- Liam: How?
- Frank: Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
- Fiona: [Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
- Frank: Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
- Ian: We all have the Trinity inside of us...
- ...
- Ian: Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
- Murph: Pleasure.
- Fiona: [Shakes his hand] Hi.
- Murph: I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
- Ian: No, it's just 'cause of that video.
- Murph: No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
- Ian: I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
- Murph: Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
- Ian: How's the new place?
- Fiona: Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
- Ian: Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
- Fiona: So why not quit if you hate it so much?
- Ian: I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
- Carl: [Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
- Fiona: Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
- Ian: Don't marry her.
- Carl: I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
- Fiona: Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
- Frank: Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
- [Svetlana is sitting before Kevin and Veronica in their living room]
- Kevin: Okay. You did really well last night.
- Veronica: However, we need to tone down the rage a little. You're not gonna get anywhere if your date thinks you want to murder him the second he ties the knot.
- Svetlana: What if I do?
- Kevin: Great question. Which brings us to Part A of our plan, etiquette.
- Veronica: [Writes on marker board] Rich guys are old school. They want a lady to be a lady.
- Kevin: A man wants to feel powerful. Really powerful. So let him dominate the conversation. Act like he's totally fascinating.
- Svetlana: I cannot do this.
- Kevin: Okay, this brings us to Part B of our plan. This is a tiny microphone. Attach it to your shirt. This is a tiny earpiece. Put this in your ear. Come on, Svet. You're Russian. This is spy shit. It's in your DNA. Testing, testing. Can you hear me?
- Svetlana: You are right there.
- Kevin: I meant in the thingy. Can you hear me?
- Svetlana: Yes.
- Kevin: Okay. Do everything I say. Scratch your nose. Tuck your hair behind your ear. Excellent. Say, "Kevin Ball has a sexy voice."
- Svetlana: Why should I lie?
- Kevin: Say it.
- Svetlana: Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
- [Carl finds his clothes cut up, strewn along the house side walkway and walks up to Kassidi sitting on back stair steps]
- Kassidi: Hey.
- Carl: [Finding his clothes cut up and strewn along the side house walkway] What the fuck?!
- Kassidi: Hey, baby.
- Carl: You cut up all my uniforms?!
- Kassidi: Well, I weighed out the pros and cons, and I made a decision for our family. I think that it's better for everyone that you don't go back to school. We have a wedding to plan.
- Carl: Kassidi.
- Kassidi: Don't say my name like that!
- Carl: Kassidi...
- Kassidi: Do not say my name like that, I mean it, Carl!
- Carl: Kassidi, this is not a joke! I am going back to military school!
- Kassidi: I hate you! [Goes in back door and shuts it]
- Carl: Hey! Fuck. [Walks up steps and bangs on door] Wait! You can't leave me!
- Kassidi: I'll die!
- Carl: Hey, what the fuck! You're not gonna die! We're gonna see each other like once a week!
- Kassidi: I can't!
- Carl: Open up the door!
- Kassidi: I need you!
- Carl: What the fuck?! You kidding me?!
- Kassidi: This engagement is bullshit! [Kassidi throws ring out door]
- Carl: What? What the fuck? I paid like 100 bucks for that!
- Kassidi: Fuck you!
- Carl: Come on!
- Kassidi: Fuck you! Fuck you!
- Carl: My God! What do you want me to do?!
- Kassidi: Marry me before you leave, dumb-ass. You love me, right? You love me, right? Then what's the point in waiting?
- Carl: Okay, fine.
- Kassidi: Today?
- Carl: Yeah, sure.
- Ian: The fuck is this, Frank?
- Frank: Son, I don't think I've articulated how impressed I am with your recent endeavors. I knew you were talented, but...
- Ian: "The Church of Gay Jesus." Is this a jumbo shirt?
- Frank: To reach the masses, you've got to embrace merchandising to take your brand to the next level. How about t-shirts proudly displaying your message?
- Ian: Well, I- I don't have a church. And I'm not fuckin' Jesus.
- Frank: Tongue in cheek, son. When you repurpose a- an iconic logo for the- the sake of kitsch, you present an ironic critique of American consumerism. And if that logo just happens to resemble a... giant, throbbing penis, what could be more counterculture?
- Ian: It looks like a hot dog. And the lettering sucks.
- Frank: Revolutions don't come wrapped in a cute ribbon. You want to bring down power structures? You want to get in the face of people who are peddling corroded ideals? You need a uniform that screams authenticity. We didn't pay Chinese factory orphans three cents an hour to make these. No, this is our living room. Our hands. Our sweat. Talk about grassroots.
- Ian: I have a meeting tonight at Trinity and Life Evangelical. You can hawk your shit there, but everything you make has to go to Trevor's kids.
- Frank: Come on! This is my retirement fund. Twenty percent. Thirty? Okay, 95 percent, and we appreciate your business.
- [Carl and Kassidi are waiting at the Cook County public records office]
- Kassidi: We should go get a blanket and a bottle of champagne, go in the park, and lay in the grass as man and wife, and let the moon and the stars bless our union. Cute!
- PA announcer: Now serving, 103.
- Kassidi: Yay! That's us. Okay, come on. All set.
- Marriage license clerk: Your marriage license is valid for 60 days in Cook County only. There's a one day waiting period before the license becomes effective.
- Kassidi: Wait. So we can't get married today?
- Marriage license clerk: You can get married at this exact time tomorrow.
- Kassidi: What the fuck? This sucks.
- Svetlana: I look like a fucking First Lady.
- Veronica: Here. Go cross your legs and pretend to be captivated.
- Kevin: Smokey to Bobcat. Do you hear me? Over.
- Fiona: What are you guys up to?
- Kevin: We're trying to get Svetlana married off to a rich dude.
- Ford: So... you just gave 'em your place, just like that?
- Fiona: What else was I supposed to do? Man, I was really digging my quiet mornings away from Gallagher chaos. And it's extra bad right now 'cause of Ian's gay messiah shit.
- Ford: He should read Pope Leo the 13th's encyclical on property rights.
- Fiona: I'll pass it on.
- Ford: You know, whiskey is actually clear when it comes off the still. It gets the caramel color from the barrel...
- Fiona: You know, I'm just... I'm just gonna say this. Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter that I'm sitting here. I know all the places you've lived. I know all the languages you speak. I've met your exes, your baby mamas, your spawn. And yet, you have never asked one question about me. Did you know that I became legal guardian of my siblings when I was 23? Or that I dropped out of high school, but then I got back and I got my GED?
- Ford: Yes, actually, I did. And I know you did it to convince your genius brother who's a recovering alcoholic to stay in college. I know you got left at the altar by your junkie fiancé with whom you were very much in love.
- Fiona: How?
- Ford: 'Cause I ask around. There's some other stuff I know. You're fiercely protective of your family. You're generous. Like today, for example, you gave your apartment to a homeless family.
- Fiona: You are so very much yourself. You don't even have to try. And frankly, you scare the fuckin' shit out of me.
- ...
- Kevin: [Gerald walks over to Svetlana at wall] It's him. It's him. Svet, Svet. The buzzard is in the tuba. The buzzard is in the tuba.
- Veronica: The what?
- Kevin: I have no idea. I've never done this before. What's she saying? I can't hear anything. I can't hear anything. We never tested the microphone.
- Veronica: All right, well, she needs to relax. Tell her to lean in a little.
- Kevin: Svetlana, lean in a little. Too far. Too Far. Too far. Too far. Take a sip of your drink. Sip, not gulp.
- Veronica: Tell her to- to ask him about something.
- Kevin: All right. All right. All right, Svet. Ask him about his mother. No, not his mother. Ask him about his favorite sports teams. Allergies... What the hell do people talk about on dates? Did she just drop her earpiece in her drink? Oh, no. [Svetlana nears her hand to Gerald's crotch] She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she? [Svetlana moves hand all the way in] Called that one.
A Gallagher Pedicure [8.11]
[edit]- Cami: When I heard he got paroled, I... I couldn't think straight. I've never been able to get that night out of my mind.
- Lip: Yeah, you, uh... never really told me what happened.
- Cami: He came home... wasted almost every day. That night, he found a towel on the bathroom floor and started slapping her around. Mom was screaming. He told her to shut up, but... she didn't. So he punched her... and kept punching her... until her face just... blood and bones and hair.
- Lip: You were there?
- Cami: Me and Neil, yeah. Told us if we ever said a word to anybody about it, he'd fucking kill us both. Took a blanket from Neil's bed... wrapped Mom up... and threw her in a dumpster. Policewoman gave us Cokes. We never got Cokes.
- Lip: How old were you?
- Cami: Ten. We testified against him, both of us. And they just let him out.
- Fiona: Open the door, please. I need to get my dog. This is stupid. I was fair to you. I let you stay in my apartment and you sue me? Why am I the bad guy? Hey! Rusty?! Have you guys been feeding him? Is there water in his bowl? [Whispers] I will kill you with my bare fucking hands. Okay. That's fair warning. I am the owner. I have a right to enter these premises! I'm coming in! Are the locks changed?!
- Trina: This is my apartment.
- Fiona: Hello! Did you change the locks on my apartment?! [Answers phone] What?! Oh. Sorry. Sure.
- Trina: I'm coming right out.
- Fiona: There had better be water in his bowl!
- ...
- Insurance analyst: Hmm.
- Fiona: Is that bad? I mean, they're roofers, right? You would think the one thing they'd know how to do is not fall off.
- Insurance analyst: Um.
- Fiona: I am covered, right?
- Insurance analyst: Uh-huh. Minimum liability up to half a million.
- Fiona: Half a million? They're suing me for six million.
- Insurance analyst: People rarely get what they're asking for. We settle almost all of these.
- Fiona: Well, that's good, then.
- Insurance analyst: Could be. In any case, your contractor's on the hook for it. We're gonna go after his insurance company. You got the contractor's info?
- Fiona: Uh, yeah, cell phone number.
- Insurance analyst: That's all you've got?
- Fiona: Yeah. Why?
- Carl: I don't think there's any skin left on my dick.
- Kassidi: I just can't get enough of my husband. I need more Carl. I wanna know everything about you. Remember when you said that you and Ian... You guys ran away from that foster home and lived under the bridge? Did that really happen?
- Carl: Yeah.
- Kassidi: Show me.
- Carl: What?
- Kassidi: Your life. Uh, where... where you lived under the bridge, where you sold your drugs, where that guy chased you with a hatchet. I wanna see it all. I mean, I am Mrs. Carl Gallagher now. I need to know the life you lived. Come on. I'll rub lotion on your dick and we'll go.
- Jason: We can't just keep attacking people doing these conversions. We need to bring Ian's message directly to the disenfranchised, wherever they are.
- Murphy: Oh, you're saying we should preach in gay nightclubs? Why not, hmm? Nightclubs, street corners.
- Bic: Ian, two big dudes just showed up. They're trying to take one of the kids. [Ian, Murphy and Jason rush outside to see Blake being manhandled into a van]
- Linc: You gotta be kidding me, right? So you think you can get your roof fixed for $500 from a guy that's got insurance? Come on.
- Fiona: You don't have insurance?
- Linc: Hey, I do honest work, and I pay my men exactly what I say I'm gonna pay 'em. There's always some asshole gaming the system, saying, "Oh, I'm hurt."
- Fiona: He's got pins in his ankle. I think it's fair to say that he's hurt.
- Linc: He fell. Whose fault is that? Fuck him. Let him sue me. The only thing I own in this world is that truck. He'll have to kill me to get it.
- [Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana are at an upscale restaurant of a high-end hotel]
- Kevin: Wow. This fucking place, huh?
- Svetlana: I found it on Belarusian whore website. More billionaires stay here than any other hotel in Chicago.
- Kevin: What are you doing?
- Svetlana: Comparing my skills to those of Freelania. These are my skills on this napkin, and these are hers.
- Veronica: There's nothing on that napkin.
- Svetlana: Hmm, precisely. She is sub-mental. Not as attractive, not as charming. Look at my ass. It's perfect. I would fuck my own ass. She has flat ass of Filipino boy.
- [Kevin and Veronica open their menus]
- Veronica: $28 for a vodka tonic?
- Kevin: $18 for a beer. You'd have to be a billionaire to catch a buzz.
- Kassidi: I can't believe that you lived down here. It's like freakin' Mad Max.
- Carl: Yeah, I remember this one time, a guy tried to steal Ian's coat. We beat him with a can of tuna wrapped in a tube sock.
- Kassidi: That's so hot.
- Carl: Think it's over here.
- Kassidi: Oh, my God, you lived there?
- Carl: Yeah.
- Kassidi: I have to see it. [Runs into a modified cargo crate and she trips over a man's body]
- Carl: Hey! You okay?! Oh, hey, man. Sorry, didn't realize someone was sleeping here. Hello?
- Kassidi: Is he dead? Is that a dead body?
- Carl: Hey, come on, let's just get out of here.
- Kassidi: I've gotta Snapchat this.
- Carl: Uh, it's just a dead guy. Let's go.
- Kassidi: Roll him over. [Carl complies]
- Carl: What?
- Kassidi: So I can see the face of death.
- Carl: Oh, Kassidi, come on.
- Kassidi: Carl, roll him over. [Lies down and takes a selfie with the cadaver] I'm gonna story the shit out of this.
- Frank: Hi. I'm retiring. I'd like to start receiving my Social Security benefits.
- Civil servant 1: Hmm. I'm sorry, Mr. Wessels. It says here you're already collecting your benefit.
- Frank: What? How can that be? Are you suggesting someone has stolen my identity, committing fraud?
- Civil servant 1: It's a possibility, yes.
- Frank: Oh, my God.
- ...
- Frank: I'm number nine. Sorry. I was in the bathroom. Prostate, you know. Size of a basketball. Hi. I'd like to start my benefits.
- Civil servant 2: Um... Mr. Ramirez? It says here you're dead.
- ...
- Frank: Uh, I'm-I'm number nine.
- Civil servant 3: Hi.
- Frank: Can you... tell me what my benefits would be if I were to retire right now?
- Civil servant 3: Of course. Um, Mr. Gallagher, it says here you only worked six weeks your entire life.
- Frank: Well... if you mean a "formal job", yes, but I... I've had various enterprises that contributed significantly to the economy.
- Civil servant 3: Mm-hmm. Well, as it stands, this will be your monthly benefit.
- Frank: Three dollars and 42 cents? Gee. That's not a lot, is it?
- Civil servant 3: Sorry.
- Frank: A guy works his whole life.
- Physician: How's the pain?
- Debbie: It's starting to hurt a little.
- Physician: The trauma doc was inclined to amputate, which may have been warranted. All three toes are severely damaged, crushed, for lack of a better word. There's not enough blood circulating to ensure they won't go necrotic.
- Debbie: W-what does that mean?
- Physician: Die. And if your toes die, then you're talking gangrene, and next thing you know, you lose your leg.
- Debbie: But you can fix 'em, right?
- Physician: Surgery's only part of the process. You'll be off your feet for months, and then at least year of physical therapy.
- Debbie: A year? I-I can't... Well, what would the surgery cost?
- Physician: It'll run you at least $50,000.
- Debbie: Holy shit. For three toes? W-what happens if I can't afford the surgery? I just die?
- Physician: No. We remove the toes, and then you're back on your feet in a couple of days. Costs $6,000, $7,000. You'll be a little wobbly at first. Need a special shoe. Let me know what you decide.
- Carl: Well, why is it so important for you to know what it's like to live on the street?
- Kassidi: 'Cause you grew up free. I grew up trapped in an 8,000-square-foot suburban prison. Cable fucking TV, cheerleading camp, cross country, and Mom always ragging on me to study. And for what? So I could end up like them? I mean, they're miserable. Please.
- Carl: Well, this is it. This is where my first shop was.
- Kassidi: Selling crack? That is so cool.
- Dealer: Yo, you gotta buy or walk. This is my corner.
- Carl: I used to work this corner. Where's G-Dog?
- Dealer: That's his brains right there... [Points to blood puddle stain on road] that dark spot. [Speeding vehicle heads towards them] Damn!
- Dealer: Shooter! Down! Get down! [Carl and Kassidi hide behind parked vehicle while the gunman from vehicle opens fire and drive away]
- Kassidi: Oh, my God! They shot at us! This is epic!
- Margo: So you let them stay in your apartment?
- Fiona: Well, yeah.
- Margo: You shouldn't have done that.
- Fiona: Why?
- Margo: Because that's an admission of responsibility.
- Fiona: But I- I didn't do anything wrong.
- Margo: Your contractor had no insurance. You only have a half a million in liability.
- Fiona: S- so what's the worst case?
- Margo: You lose in court and your insurance pays out 500,000. That leaves you owing 5.5 million. Other assets? Well, you sell your building. You got about 50 grand in equity there. And, uh... and your family home is worth, um, I don't know, maybe 62? So that leaves you only owing this Rodney asshole $5,388,000... forever. The jury's gonna take one look at that man and his starving family and the slumlord bitch that ruined their lives by hiring an unlicensed contractor, and you're gonna be lucky if they don't put you in jail.
- Freelania: He spoils me, but I deserve it. He likes his little penis rubbed, and honestly, all he really cares about are my feet. He can't stop buying me shoes. Such a simple man. Oh. Vera made this for me. Mazel tov. I must admit, the greater part of the joy I feel is knowing how devastated you must be.
- Svetlana: Humiliated.
- Freelania: I had imagined you humbled like this so many times. I was worried it would be anticlimactic. It's not.
- Svetlana: Freelania... you have everything we have ever dreamed of. After all the tubs of hand lotion and stained sheets, thousands of Handi Wipes,
- Svetlana: I am truly humbled by your success, so I ask you to pity me and tell me how. How did you make this all happen?
- Freelania: You mean how did these shoes happen?
- Svetlana: Yes.
- Freelania: How did this Gaultier gown, which I have never worn, happen?
- Svetlana: Uh-huh.
- Freelania: [Hocks a loogie on the gown] I would give it to you now that it's soiled, but... you're too fat to fit into it, so I will throw it away instead. Svetlana Yevgenivna, you were born a whore. You will die a whore. [Brings out phone] Mm. My caterer. Excuse me. Alain... Bonjour, mon amour.
- Svetlana: Ublyudok.
- Rupert: [Appears in room] Hello, hello. Hello, sweetie. Don't you look lovely... today? I'm headed for the club. Don't forget dinner at The Grill. [Kisses her hand] I wanna show off my beautiful bride-to-be. [Walks away] Hmm. Toodle-oo. I'm going up the chimney.
- Svetlana: [Her face lights up in epiphany]
- Frank: I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude.
- Kermit: How's that any different than how you live right now, Frank?
- Frank: It's as if we think the elderly are irrelevant, disposable. My own children have said they won't care for me in old age. What does tell you about the decline of Western civilization?
- Tommy: That you didn't raise any fools.
- Frank: I believe that Alzheimer's is an evolutionary advantage that we've developed so we won't have to be aware of the depth of misery we face in our dotage. And yet... here I am... as loose as the day I was born.
- Tommy: Retirement is for rich people. My old man was at GM for 40 years. Six months short of retirement, the pension fund went tits up. Forty years and dick to show for it. But he got lucky.
- Frank: How's that?
- Tommy: Well, he died on the line. Keeled over into the stamping machine. Got pressed into a rear fender for a Buick Skylark. Never even stopped the line.
- Frank: How's that lucky?
- Tommy: Well, he didn't have to worry about retiring.
- Ian: You can't be living on the street. It's dangerous.
- Blake: I can't go home. When I came out, they lost it.
- Ian: He says that they're okay with you being gay.
- Blake: That's bullshit. They put me into therapy, three days a week. Started going to a church where this asshole was always talking about sodomy and God's will. They wanna lock me up with other kids whose parents don't wanna deal with who their kids really are.
- Ian: He says your therapist thinks you may be mentally ill.
- Blake: They put me on these drugs, knocked me on my ass. I couldn't even get out of bed. I couldn't get an erection. That's what they really want, so that I can't have sex with another boy, you know? Ever.
- Ian: Well... you can't stay here. We have to find someplace where you can be safe, where you can be yourself.
- Blake: So you'll help me?
- Trina's daughter: [Fiona has snatched the dog after Ford cut a hole in the hole] Mom, that lady's stealing Sparkles!
- Frank: [After cutting off the necrotic toes of a fainted Debbie on the kitchen table with a garden trimmer and cauterizing her toe stubs] Smells like steak.
Sleepwalking [8.12]
[edit]- Frank: I met your friend Dylan's dad.
- Liam: You tell him I can go on the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?
- Frank: I looked the man up. He makes nothing. He creates nothing. He buys businesses, tears them apart, sells the pieces, and then discards the employees like trash. He's a legal thief.
- Kassidi: [Serves him waffles] Here you are, Liam.
- Frank: Thank you so much. He wants the companies to fail. The world's not just, Liam. No one's gonna take care of us in our old age. We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off. You know how to take photos with this?
- Kassidi: What is keeping Carl? His bacon's getting cold.
- Frank: What's with the boot?
- Debbie: I cauterized the stumps. They were still bleeding, so I went to the ER.
- Frank: Waste of money. Cauterization has been used since the Egyptians were building pyramids.
- Debbie: Are those waffles? Yum.
- Liam: So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?
- Frank: Well... are we partners?
- Liam: Yeah.
- Frank: Okay, good.
- Liam: I'm very proud to be your partner.
- Frank: And your job, partner, is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time. After you get the code.
- Liam: The code?
- Frank: To turn off the alarm. And pics of their valuables and of the security system. One more big score, I can retire in style.
- Kassidi: Carl! You motherfucker!
- Liam: What the hell was that?
- Frank: Marital bliss.
- Veronica: So now what?
- Svetlana: Well, I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.
- Kevin: You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?
- Svetlana: He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.
- Kevin: What about the wedding guests?
- Svetlana: I wear a veil. No one will see.
- [A phone rings and Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana all check their phones to realize it's Freelania's]
- Veronica: Kev.
- Kevin: What?
- Veronica: Get her phone.
- Kevin: You get her phone.
- Svetlana: I get it. Hold machete. She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?
- Kevin: [Grabs Svetlana's wrist and pulls her back] No way. I'm not slashing her face if she tries to make a run for it. [Pulls phone out of Freelania's pocket and checks it] "Zlata"?
- Svetlana: Shit. Her mother is coming to the wedding.
- Kevin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?
- Freelania: [Svetlana takes out cloth from Freelania's mouth and she threatens in Russian] She will rip out your lungs and eat them. [Svetlana restuffs Freelania's mouth]
- Svetlana: You yell one more time, I will shave your head, I will cut off your nipples, and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel for big fun, okay? When is Zlata coming?
- Freelania: Today. I am supposed to pick her up at airport. And I need to pee.
- Svetlana: Get a bowl.
- Kevin: What?
- Svetlana: Use it for her to pee.
- Kevin: Through her pants?
- Svetlana: Take the pants off! Get a bowl.
- Kevin: You know her mother?
- Svetlana: Zlata. Scary old Soviet. Survived Stalingrad as a young girl by eating human flesh.
- Veronica: She was a cannibal?
- Debbie: Hey, Fiona.
- Fiona: Hey. Just back for a shower and a quick change of clothes. Jesus. What happened to your toes?
- Debbie: Frank cut 'em off.
- Fiona: He what?!
- Debbie: It's no big deal. I asked him to. You get rid of the squatters yet?
- Fiona: No. Ford and Nessa are watching the building while I go to a lawyer thing.
- Frank: Burn 'em out. It's the oldest trick in the slumlord's handbook, arson. You set a good blaze, they got two choices, run out of the building screaming or burn to death, and you get to the collect the insurance. Has anyone seen my other boot?
- Fiona: I'm not gonna burn my building down, Frank.
- Frank: Why not? Being a landlord sucks. Tenants who won't pay their rent, toilets clogged with... massive after Thanksgiving turds... there it is. You need to get in touch with Pyro Paulie.
- Fiona: Who?
- Frank: Paulie Paterniski. Best firebug on the South Side. I think he works at the Handy Mart now. Don't let his looks scare you. He had a trigger fuse on a bucket of jet fuel go sideways on him. The doctors used skin from his ass to rebuild his face. Ah... Fucking A, this one's to the workingman...
- Margo: Well. I spoke to the Latham's attorney. That guy is a real piece of work. I think your roofer found his name on the back of a bus bench. But they are prepared to settle.
- Fiona: Really?
- Margo: For $3 million. They offered to remove you from the suit and pursue litigation solely with your insurance company if you're prepared to make a few concessions.
- Fiona: Like what?
- Margo: Sign the title of the building over to them.
- Fiona: You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
- Margo: And they want... "Sparkles." They want Sparkles back.
- Fiona: My dog, Rusty? They want my fucking dog?
- Margo: They said their kids got very attached and they're, quote, "crying themselves to sleep," endquote, ever since you stole him.
- Fiona: I stole him? They stole him from me! They're motherfuckers! Tell them to get their own goddamn dog.
- Margo: There's another option. You sell the building... now, before it goes to trial... And spend the money. Go to Vegas. Take a trip around the world. And then just declare bankruptcy.
- Fiona: Bankruptcy?!
- Margo: Yeah. It's better than letting them take everything you own.