Stargate SG-1

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Stargate SG-1 is a science-fiction TV series that premiered on Showtime on 1997. After the fifth season, it moved to US Sci Fi Channel, where it was cancelled after its 10th season. The series has finished following the 10th season with two direct to DVD movies - Stargate: The Ark of Truth and Stargate: Continuum.

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5
Children of the Gods The Serpent's Lair Into The Fire Small Victories Enemies
The Enemy Within In the Line of Duty Seth The Other Side Threshold
Emancipation Prisoners Fair Game Upgrades Ascension
The Broca Divide The Gamekeeper Legacy Crossroads The Fifth Man
The First Commandment Need Learning Curve Divide and Conquer Red Sky
Cold Lazarus Thor's Chariot Point of View Window of Opportunity Rite of Passage
The Nox Message in a Bottle Deadman Switch Watergate Beast of Burden
Brief Candle Family Demons The First Ones The Tomb
Thor's Hammer Secrets Rules of Engagement Scorched Earth Between Two Fires
The Torment of Tantalus Bane Forever in a Day Beneath the Surface 2001
Bloodlines The Tok'ra, Part One Past and Present Point of No Return Desperate Measures
Fire and Water The Tok'ra, Part Two Jolinar's Memories Tangent Wormhole X-Treme!
Hathor Spirits The Devil You Know The Curse Proving Ground
Singularity Touchstone Foothold The Serpent's Venom 48 Hours
Cor-Ai The Fifth Race Pretense Chain Reaction Summit
Enigma A Matter of Time Urgo 2010 Last Stand
Solitudes Serpent's Song A Hundred Days Absolute Power Fail Safe
Tin Man Holiday Shades of Grey The Light The Warrior
There But For The Grace of God One False Step New Ground Prodigy Menace
Politics Show and Tell Maternal Instinct Entity The Sentinel
Within the Serpent's Grasp 1969 Crystal Skull Double Jeopardy Meridian
Out of Mind Nemesis Exodus Revelations
Season 6 Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 Season 10
Redemption, Part One Fallen New Order, Part One Avalon, Part One Flesh and Blood
Redemption, Part Two Homecoming New Order, Part Two Avalon, Part Two Morpheus
Descent Fragile Balance Lockdown Origin The Pegasus Project
Frozen Orpheus Zero Hour The Ties That Bind Insiders
Nightwalkers Revisions Icon The Powers That Be Uninvited
Abyss Lifeboat Avatar Beachhead 200
Shadowplay Enemy Mine Affinity Ex Deus Machina Counterstrike
The Other Guys Space Race Covenant Babylon Memento Mori
Allegiance Avenger 2.0 Sacrifices Prototype Company of Thieves
Cure Birthright Endgame The Fourth Horseman, Part One The Quest, Part One
Prometheus Evolution, Part One Gemini The Fourth Horseman, Part Two The Quest, Part Two
Unnatural Selection Evolution, Part Two Prometheus Unbound Collateral Damage Line in the Sand
Sight Unseen Grace It's Good to Be King Ripple Effect The Road Not Taken
Smoke and Mirrors Chimera Full Alert Stronghold The Shroud
Paradise Lost Fallout Citizen Joe Ethon Bounty
Metamorphosis Death Knell Reckoning, Part One Off The Grid Bad Guys
Disclosure Heroes, Part One Reckoning, Part Two The Scourge Talion
Forsaken Heroes, Part Two Threads Arthur's Mantle Family Ties
The Changeling Resurrection Moebius, Part One Crusade Dominon
Memento Inaguration Moebius, Part Two Camelot Unending
Prophecy Lost City, Part One
Full Circle Lost City, Part Two
Stargate: The Ark of Truth Oz references Taglines See Also Stargate: Continuum

Season 1[edit]

Children of the Gods [1.1/1.2][edit]

[First lines of the series]
[Soldiers are playing cards in the deserted Gate Room]
Dealer: Oh, man, this hand's as lousy as this detail. All right everybody, in or out?

[O'Neill has tossed a Kleenex box through the Stargate to Abydos as a message to Jackson]
Maj. Samuels: What if the aliens get it?
Col. O'Neill: Well, they could be blowing their noses right now.

Col. O'Neill: Oh, here we go. Another scientist. General, please.
Capt. Carter: Theoretical astrophysicist.
Col. O'Neill: Which means?
Gen. Hammond: Which means she's smarter than you are, Colonel. Especially in matters related to the Stargate.

Capt. Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside, doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.
Capt. Carter: Colonel, I logged over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you? Or are we going to have to arm wrestle?

[While examining the DHD on Abydos]
Capt. Carter: Amazing. This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it. It took us 15 years and 3 supercomputers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth. Look how small it is!

[Carter is meeting Daniel Jackson for the first time.]
Capt. Carter: Dr. Jackson, I presume.

Col. O'Neill: I can save these people!!
[Teal'c points his staff weapon at Jack.]
Col. O'Neill: Help me! [pause, quieter] Help me.
Teal'c: Many have said that.
[Teal'c suddenly turns and shoots another Jaffa. Then tosses O'Neill his staff weapon.]
Teal'c: But you are the first I believe could do it!

[Teal'c has betrayed Apophis and all the refugees have fled, leaving him standing forlornly in the chamber.]
Col. O'Neill: Hey, come on!
Teal'c: I have nowhere to go.
O'Neill: For this you can stay at my place, let's go!

[Teal'c pulls up his shirt and the infant Goa'uld comes out of the pouch]:
Jack O'Neill: What the hell is that?!
Teal'c: It is an infant Goa'uld, the larval form of the gods. I have carried one since I was a child, as all Jaffa carry one.
Jack O'Neill: Well, get it out of there.
Teal'c: In exchange for carrying the infant Goa'uld into maturity, a Jaffa receives perfect health and long life. If I were to remove it, I would eventually die.
Jack O'Neill: Hell, if I were you, I'd take my chances.

[Daniel and Sam are discussing whether or not the Stargate can go to other planets.]
Daniel: I'm no astrophysicist, but isn't it possible that planets can drift apart?
Carter: I knew I'd like you.
Daniel: You mean I'm right?

The Enemy Within [1.2][edit]

Col. O'Neill: You know, I'm kind of partial to P3575 if you don't mind taking P3A577.
Kawalsky: No I'll take 577.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not married to it.
Kawalsky: No, no it's_
Col. O'Neill: I want to be fair about it. How about we flip for it?
Gen. Hammond: How 'bout you go where I tell you!

Dr. Jackson: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Capt. Carter: Pure titanium less than three micrometers from the event horizon. It won't even allow matter to fully reintegrate.
Col. O'Neill: [Looks blankly at Carter for a moment] ...So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Capt. Carter: If it doesn't, the fail-safe device will detonate, this whole mountain will vaporize and there'll be nothing to worry about.
Col. O'Neill: Ah, good! I feel much better.

Col. O'Neill: Like bugs on windshield.

Teal'c: I will pledge my allegiance to this world.
Col. O'Neill: I'm just not sure that's ever going to be enough for them to trust you. To be honest with you, I think they're scared of you.
Teal'c: I understand.
Col. O'Neill: You must be used to that by now, huh?
Teal'c: I am a Jaffa. I have served as a warrior for your enemy. I have carried your enemy within me.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. Well it's kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don't know.
Teal'c: Why is O'Neill not afraid?
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c, I saw you stand up to a god. Refuse to kill. I saw you make that decision.
Teal'c: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: In that moment I learned everything I needed to know to trust you.

Col. O'Neill: Permission to barge in, sir?

Col. O'Neill: Listen, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Maj. Kawalsky: We're friends.
Col. O'Neill: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?

Emancipation [1.3][edit]

[Regarding Carter's dressing like the locals]
Dr. Jackson: Anthropologists do it all the time. They dress and live as the people they're studying.
Capt Carter: I'm not an anthropologist.
Col. O'Neill: [gleefully] You are today!

Abu: No! I cannot look at you!
Capt. Carter: Ok, now I'm hurt.

[At Jackson's suggestion to blend in with the local populace, Carter has allowed herself to be dressed in an elaborate and heavily embroidered silk headdress and gown]
Capt. Carter: Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress.

Abu: You are most beautiful woman I have ever seen.(Leaves tent)
Capt Carter: Uh, I guess the kid doesn't get out much.

Capt Carter: Look uh, I will not wear this thing over my face. I don't care how much embroidery it has on it. And this…dress, or whatever it's called, I mean…I can't move, I can't walk…
Col. O'Neill: I don't know. It…it kind of works for me. I, uh…
Dr Jackson: It's, it's you, it's…
Dr Jackson and Col. O'Neill: You.
Dr Jackson: Definitely you.

Col. O'Neill: All things considered… Samantha… if we have to come back here, it might be a better idea if we brought an all male team. No offense.
Capt Carter: Well, in view of the fact that you all get to go to this party tonight and I get to stay in this… yurt that smells like rancid yak butter, none taken. I'll just get a good night's sleep, and hope for better luck next time.

Col. O'Neill: You going to be all right?
Capt Carter: Still doubting me? I haven't been afraid of the dark since I was two.

Dr. Jackson: How is it that you always manage to come up with the worst case scenario?
Col. O'Neill: I practice.

Capt. Carter: What a relief, I've never been so happy to see you guys!
Col. O'Neill: Well, sure you have. Remember that time on P3X-595 you drank that stuff that made you take off--
Capt. Carter: [interrupting] We won't get into that right now!

Col. O'Neill: So how do the Spirits decide who wins?
Sheva'da: It is a battle... to the death.
(Turgan unsheaths a long curved knife.)
Col. O'Neill: Hey! No one said anything about...[Multiple knives are pointed at his, Daniel's and Teal'c's throats]... knives!

Capt. Carter: Do you think this thing is going to end up being a revolutionary drug back on Earth?
Dr. Jackson: Well if it does, I'm sure someone else will end up getting credit for it. It's not like we can tell them where it really came from.
Col. O'Neill: Damn, guess I'm going to have to cancel that Oprah interview!
Teal'c: What is an Oprah?

The Broca Divide [1.4][edit]

Dr. Jackson: This is crazy. We don't know what could be there waiting for us when we come through.
Col. Makepeace: Don't you worry, boys. That's why the SG-3 Marines are comin' with. You can count on us to watch your backsides.
Dr. Jackson: Actually, it was more my front side I was worried about.

Col. Makepeace: Okay, we'll take point.
Col. O'Neill: Ah! We'll go through first. You watch our lovely backsides, remember?
Col. Makepeace: Have it your way, Flyboy.

Col. O'Neill: Oh, I got in a little wrestling match with Carter.
Dr. Jackson: Why?
Col. O'Neill: I guess she's got whatever Johnson's got. Had to drag her off to the infirmary.
Dr. Jackson: What, did she start a fight with you, like Johnson did with Teal'c?
Col. O'Neill: No, she, uh, tried to seduce me.
[pause]
Dr. Jackson: Oh. [pause] You poor man...

Teal'c: Col. O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: [imitating Desi Arnaz] Lucy, I'm home!
Teal'c: I am not Lucy.
Col. O'Neill: I know that. It's a reference to an old TV—never mind, open the door.
Teal'c: I will summon the doctor.
Col. O'Neill: No, come on. I'm fine. I'm back to being myself. Just open up.
Teal'c: I cannot be certain that you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as "Lucy."

Col. O'Neill: Daniel, you dog, you keep this up, you'll have a girl on every planet.

Capt. Carter: [uncomfortably] About my earlier behavior... I wasn't myself, and—
Col. O'Neill: Oh, Carter, I don't even remember your earlier behavior.
Capt. Carter: You don't?
Col. O'Neill: No, I was infected too, remember?
Capt. Carter: [relieved] Right! Good, I'm—I'm glad.
Col. O'Neill: By the way, how's the wound?
Capt. Carter: Wound?
Col. O'Neill: I understand you got stabbed in the stomach?
Capt. Carter: Oh, yeah, that—that was nothing. With any luck, there won't even be a scar.
Col. O'Neill: Well, good. I was concerned.
Capt. Carter: You were?
Col. O'Neill: Sure. [smiles] If it doesn't heal properly, you'll never wear that sweet little tank top number again.
[She stops in her tracks at that, and he keeps on walking.]

The First Commandment [1.5][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Does it say "Colonel" anywhere on my uniform?

Dr. Jackson: This tastes like chicken.
Capt. Carter: So what's wrong with it?
Dr. Jackson: It's macaroni and cheese.

[Teal'c tests an alarm by tossing a rock into it]
Col. O'Neill: Perfect. If any little rocks sneak up on us, we'll have plenty of warning.

Capt. Carter: You're sick and you need help. [points a gun at Hanson]
Capt. Hanson: That's your idea of help?

Capt. Hanson: Do not betray me! I am your god.

Cold Lazarus [1.6][edit]

Dr. Jackson: [on a walkie-talkie]: Jack, we've finished our recon, loaded up FRED and are ready to head back through the Gate. Is this...am I using this right?

[Teal'c has been watching television]
Teal'c: Your world is a strange place.
Dr. Jackson:...So is yours.

[Teal'c shoots a crystal with his staff weapon in the gate room]
Capt. Carter: [picking up a crystal shard] Here's a good one.
Technician: What's going on in there?
Teal'c: You received permission for me to fire my staff weapon in the Gate Room?
[Carter and Jackson glance uncertainly at one another, there is a pause]
Capt. Carter: [Turning quickly to leave] Oh, yeah.
Dr. Jackson: [Turning quickly to leave] Absolutely.

[Col O'Neill has been placed in a cell and is being observed through a video]
Col O'Neill: Come on, get me out of here! Tell you what. Let me put it nicely.[gets on a chair and gets his face into the video] Get me the hell out of here!
Gen. Hammond: If that isn't O'Neill, I want to know who the hell we're looking at.

[SG-1 is going off base, Teal'c is taking his staff with him]
Gen. Hammond: Teal'c, you'll have to leave that here.
Teal'c: I have seen your world. I will need it.
Gen. Hammond: Can't let you take your weapon, Teal'c. You—all of you—will be operating in public so you can't do or say anything that reveals the existence of the SGC or the Stargate.
[Hammond hands Teal'c a Chicago hat]
Teal'c: Chicago. The windy city. Home of the Black Hawks, the Bulls and the White Sox.
Col. O'Neill: Don't forget the Cubs.

The Nox [1.7][edit]

[SG-1 is hunting an invisible beast called a "fenri"]
Teal'c: We will find them most vulnerable when they hover.
Dr. Jackson: Hover? Like a hummingbird?
Teal'c: With teeth.

Col. O'Neill: Um, sorry to drop in on you like this, but we were... dead.

Nefrayu: [indicating himself] Nefrayu.
Capt. Carter: Nefrayu.
Col. O'Neill: No, you can't keep him.

Dr. Jackson: I think they're a family.
Col. O'Neill: Of what?

[O'Neill and Jackson are trying to explain to Nefrayu's father why they are hunting Apophis]
Col. O'Neill: He's just...bad. He's very...
Dr. Jackson: ...bad.
Col. O'Neill: ...bad. We just wanted to take him back to our world and have a little chat with him about all the nasty...
O'Neill & Jackson: ...bad...
Col. O'Neill: ...things he's been doing.

[O'Neill asks Nefrayu to go home but he does not, and ends up missing]
Col. O'Neill: I told him to go home.
Anteaus : I told you the same. The very young do not always do what they are told.
[Referring to both the young Nefrayu and to the relatively "young" race of humans]

Col. O'Neill: Shak'l thinks we're unarmed, Apophis thinks he's invulnerable.
Dr. Jackson: And... they're right. I think I found a flaw in your plan.

Dr. Jackson: I felt that blast kill me. I thought I-I thought we were dead. Weren't we dead?
Capt. Carter: Yeah.
Dr. Jackson: Okay. Well I thought heaven would be a little more upscale.
Capt. Carter: Oh, I don't think this is heaven.

Brief Candle [1.8][edit]

Dr. Jackson: It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Col. O'Neill: Thought you said it was Greek.
Dr. Jackson: Oh, uh... Mycenae was an ancient city in the southern Peloponnese region.
Col. O'Neill: Where's that?
Dr. Jackson: Greece.
Col. O'Neill: Why do I do that?

Col. O'Neill: Hiya kids.

Thor's Hammer [1.9][edit]

Gairwyn: You're a little short for gods.

(Jack and Teal'c are walking along in the caves.)
Teal'c: You should not have attempted to rescue me from the beam. If you had not done so you would not be here now.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, you'd have done the same for me. Course, you're not going to find me walking around with one of those Goa'uld larvae in my gut, but hey.

Teal'c: It is dead.
Col. O'Neill: That's good.
Teal'c: I believe.
Col. O'Neill: You "believe"?
Teal'c: I am certain.
O'Neill: Positive?
Teal'c: I am.
O'Neill: Just a myth?
Teal'c: A myth.
O'Neill: Good.

(later as the Unas roars in the distance)
O'Neill: Just a myth, huh?

Unas: Your weapons cannot kill me! I know the secrets of the Labrynth. I could help you escape.
O'Neill: A map would be nice.
[O'Neill begins shooting the Unas]

Teal'c: Are you considering the same tactic as I?
O'Neill: Teal'c, the cliché is, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" And the answer's yes.

The Torment of Tantalus [1.10][edit]

Dr. Jackson: The Pentagon said this was everything.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, please! The Pentagon's lost entire countries.

Col. O'Neill: You gotta go that one step further, don't you?

Gen. Hammond: [angrily] Colonel, did you authorize Dr. Jackson to reveal classified information to this civilian?
Col. O'Neill: Absolutely not, sir! In fact, I advised him not to say anything to her in spite of the fact that she used to run the entire program and is responsible for most of our current knowledge about the Gate.

[Catherine Langford is about to go through the Stargate for the first time.]
Col. O'Neill: It's a piece of cake.
[They go through.]
Dr. Jackson: You okay?
Catherine Langford: That was some piece of cake.

Col. O'Neill: Daniel, before your head explodes, may I remind you that we've got more important things to deal with right now?

Catherine Langford: You don't recognize me?
Dr. Littlefield: C-Catherine? Hmm.
[Littlefield leaves]
Catherine Langford: Fifty years. And that's all he has to say.

Capt. Carter: Where's Daniel?
Col. O'Neill: Oh, Ernest is showing him a new toy.
Captain Carter: Really? What?
Col. O'Neill: Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or something like that.

Col. O'Neill: Alright, basic survival training. We know what we have, what do we need?
Teal'c: [stating the obvious] We have the Stargate. We need the Dial Home Device.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you, Teal'c.

Capt. Carter: The Dial-Home Device just fell through the floor into the ocean.
Dr. Jackson: So what are we going to do?
Capt. Carter: That thing may have a power source in it that we can use to get the Gate working.
Dr. Jackson: Uh...No! [horrified] You don't understand—this book may contain knowledge of the universe. I mean, this is—this is meaning-of-life stuff.

Col. O'Neill: I'm no scientist, but couldn't we use that Ben Franklin thing?

Dr. Littlefield: No prize is worth obtaining if you can never share it. Believe me, I know.

[They're about to return through the Stargate.]
Catherine Langford: It's a piece of cake.
Dr. Littlefield: Not from what I remember.

Bloodlines [1.11][edit]

[Bra'tac is looking SG-1 down]
Bra'tac: You, you are among the warriors who defeated the palace guard at Chulak? A human woman?
Capt. Carter: Hey, I'll have you know that I kicked my--
Bra'tac: [to Jackson] And you? A warrior of great skill and cunning? I could snap you like kindling. [to Teal'c] How could you bring these ha'sak with you?
Col. O'Neill: Hey, who you calling a hassick? [pause] What's a hassick?
Bra'tac You challenge me, ha'sak?
Col. O'Neill: Uh, no, we didn't come to fight you.
Bra'tac: A shame.
[Bra'tac swings his staff weapon at O'Neill, who uses it to knock him to the ground]
Col. O'Neill: We're here on a mission. If you don't want to be a part of it, just say so.
Bra'tac: You choose your friends well Teal'c. Though were I a hundred years younger, it might not have been quite so easy.
Col. O'Neill: You're over a hundred years old? God, I'm sorry.
[O'Neill extends a hand to Bra'tac, who pulls him to the ground with ease]
Bra'tac: One hundred and thirty three.
Col. O'Neill: You must work out.

Teal'c: If we are caught, you will be brought before Apophis along with us.
Col. O'Neill: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Bra'tac: No. The bridge is too well guarded.

Col. O'Neill: Here's the plan--
Bra'tac: I will lead. You will follow.
Col. O'Neill: Right.

Fire and Water [1.12][edit]

[At a wake being held for Daniel, O'Neill, frustrated and angry, has just broken a window on Gen. Hammond's car]
Gen. Hammond: You know, that's my car, don't you?.
Col. O'Neill: You should get that window fixed.

[SG-1 are going through Daniel's things after he has been declared MIA]
Capt. Carter: [reading from Daniel's Abydos diary] "Col. O'Neill thinks I'm a geek. I have no idea how to get us back. I'll never get paid."

Col. O'Neill: I'm not a big fan of that "bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog" stuff.

Col. O'Neill: About that apartment...
Dr. Jackson: Oh, you didn't!
Capt. Carter: The, um, day after the memorial service.
Dr. Jackson: Memorial service?
Capt. Carter: Yeah. Colonel said some nice things.
Dr. Jackson: H-he did. [pause] He did?

Hathor [1.13][edit]

Hathor: We are Hathor. You would be wise to unbind us and kneel before your goddess.
Col. O'Neill: [looks down] Hello.
Dr. Jackson: Hathor?
Hathor: Yes.
Col. O'Neill:You've heard of her?
Dr. Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Col. O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll?
Dr. Jackson: In a manner of speaking.

Hathor: May we take your hand?
Gen. Hammond: [suspiciously] Why?
Hathor: We wish to kiss it. To bless you with fertility and joy.
Col. O'Neill: Well, you can't pass that up, sir.

Hathor: You, with the crown of marble!
Col. O'Neill: [to Hammond] She might mean you, sir.

[Carter and Frasier sneak up on Gen. Hammond, and Carter knocks him out with the butt of her gun]
Capt. Carter: Yeah, my career is over.
Dr. Fraiser: Don't worry about it. I can fix him up as good as new when this thing is over.
Capt. Carter: Great. So he can bring me up on charges.

Capt. Carter: Ok on three. One...
(Teal'c walks straight through the door without waiting for the count)

[Carter is looking at the healed abdomen of O'Neill, who has no memory of past events]
Capt. Carter: Wow! It's a miracle!
Col. O'Neill (confused): Crunches.

Dr. Fraiser: [inspecting Goa'uld slime] Maybe we'll at least get a cellular level analysis on the Goa'ulds, maybe we'll even find some DNA information.
Dr. Jackson: [uncomfortably] A lot of that will probably be mine.
Col. O'Neill: Ew.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah.

Singularity [1.14][edit]

Dr. Jackson: So, what exactly are we going to see after this eclipse begins? I mean, it is black, and it is a hole...
Col. O'Neill: Well, it might be a black hole.
Dr. Jackson: Okay. Let me put that a different way...

Capt. Carter: You can actually see matter spiralling towards it..
Col. O'Neill: Actually, it's called the Accretion disc.
Dr. Jackson: You can see why the local population would be afraid of i...What did you just say?!
Col. O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term.
Capt. Carter: You didn't think the colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors did you?
Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] not initially...

Cor-Ai [1.15][edit]

Dr. Jackson: You know, I wish you wouldn't say "harvest." We're talking about human beings, not brussels sprouts.

Dr. Jackson: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.
Col. O'Neill: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.

Col. O'Neill: Has it ever occurred to anyone that he might not be guilty?
Byrsa woman: If was not guilty, there would be no Cor-ai
Col. O'Neill: Innocent until proven guilty. Ever heard of it?
Dr. Jackson: Actually, throughout history the idea's pretty rare. Most cultures usually assume things the other way around. [O'Neill gives Jackson a very angry look] I'm just saying.

Dr. Jackson: You sure you're up to this?
Col. O'Neill: Why? You don't think I am?
Dr. Jackson: Well, it's—it's just that I've never actually heard you referred to as a diplomat. I think, um, "antagonist" was the word used.
Col. O'Neill: But I'm his commanding officer. It comes with the turf.
Capt. Carter: Wouldn't Daniel be better suited, as a linguist and cultural expert?
Col. O'Neill: All right, we'll all do it. How's that?
Dr. Jackson: Fine.
Capt. Carter: Co-co-counsels. Works for me.

Hanno: I have just one question for you.
Dr. Jackson: [deflated] What is it?
Hanno: Can any of his present or future actions bring my father back from the dead.
Dr. Jackson: No nothing will do that.
Hanno: Then obviously no amount of good done in the past or the present will erase the guilt of what he has done.

Teal'c: I told you before O'Neill, I will not run!
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c, you're coming with us, even if I have to knock you out, and drag you out myself. Got it?

Gen. Hammond: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people's affairs.
Col. O'Neill: Since when?
Gen. Hammond:Since the election of this administration!

Hanno: You would protect those who want to kill you?
Teal'c: I would protect those who deserve to live.
Hanno: (repentant) I was mistaken. My memory was faulty. You are not he who killed my father.
Teal'c: I am the one.
Hanno: No. He is dead. You have killed him.

Enigma [1.16][edit]

Airman: Gen. Hammond. Sir. The refugees... they've disappeared.
Col. Maybourne: What do you mean, "disappeared"?
Airman: I mean, like "Poof!" sir.

Gen. Hammond: Why did you call me out here?
Col. O'Neill: Cuz Maybourne's not.


Col. Maybourne: I have a presidential order to take the aliens with me. Stop them. Use force if necessary.
Lya: (to Daniel) Your race has learned nothing. But you have. The Tollan are most welcome to join the Nox. Please come.
(The Tollan file up onto the Stargate ramp.)
Col. Maybourne: Stop!
(Lya face betrays disappointment as she raises her arms over her head in a circular motion. Behind her the Stargate folds active in sync with her arms)
Lya: Come.
(The Tolan turn toward the Stargate and each turns watery and disappears, leaving the gate room personnel pointing their guns at empty air.)
Col. Maybourne: Fire! Fire!
(Each of the weapons in the hands of the gate room personnel also turn watery and disappear from thier grasp. Finally Lya glides back into the active Stargate and it deactivates.)
Col. O'Neill: God, I love those people.

Solitudes [1.18][edit]

Col. O'Neill: You wouldn't think jagged bone digging into raw nerves would hurt, but it does.

Jack O'Neill: Then we'd better start looking for a way. Because I'll be damned if I'm going to die on some god-forsaken block of ice a million light years from home. Is that clear?
Capt. Carter: Yes Sir!
Jack O'Neill: Good. Now help me up.
Capt. Carter: Ah, I don't think you should move.
Jack O'Neill: Probably not, but my butt's freezing to the ground. Come on. [Carter helps him up] Ah. [They look around] Ah, a little paint, a coupla windows, maybe a fireplace in the corner, it'll be just like home.

Capt. Carter: [O'Neill's clasping his chest] What's wrong with your chest?
Jack O'Neill: I think I cracked a rib too.
Capt. Carter: Why didn't you say something?
Jack O'Neill: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it.

Capt. Carter: I didn't know you could cook.
Col. O'Neill: I can't, but my melted ice is to die for.

[Carter and O'Neill are lying close to one another for warmth.]
Capt. Carter: Sir?
Col. O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear. [Sam starts to laugh] No giggling... please.

[Daniel has just realized Carter and O'Neill are on Earth and this is why they can't dial in.]
Dr. Jackson: [to Teal'c] What happens when you dial your own phone number? (Teal'C raises an eyebrow) Wrong person to ask...[turns to General Hammond] What happens when you dial your own phone number?
General Hammond: (excitedly) You get a busy signal.

Tin Man [1.17][edit]

Robot Carter: We are identical. Right down to the mole on our...
Capt. Carter: Hey! Hey! Shut up!

Robot Jack: Somebody stole my life. That's what happened.
Jack O'Neill: You talking about my life?
Robot Jack: Hey! I've got every right to it that you do!

[SG-1, except for Teal'c, has been duplicated in android form]
Col. O'Neill: Both Daniels think this is all fascinating, the Carters are arguing already, and Teal'c feels left out.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah well...there is, um, a little issue of security. You know everything I know about Earth. Codes, defenses...
Robot Jack: We'll bury the gate, don't worry. And don't even think about sending a bomb to make sure.
Jack O'Neill: I wasn't!
Robot Jack: Yes you were. I know you.
Jack O'Neill: All right. You have my word... colonel.
Robot Jack: Call me Jack.
Harlan: Colonel O'Neill?
Both O'Neills simultaneously: Ah, for cryin' out loud...

There But For the Grace of God [1.19][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Unless the last two years have been some wacky, wacky dream, I am a member of SG-1.

Dr. Jackson: Wh-where is Teal'c?
[Everyone in the briefing room looks surprised; they don't know who Daniel's talking about]
Dr. Jackson: Uh, big guy. Gold emblem on his head. Goa'uld in his stomach. You can't miss him.

Dr. Carter: Scientists have theorized that there are an infinite number of dimensions, each containing a different possible version of reality.
Dr. Jackson: Well, it sounds like I theoretically, possibly, actually found one.

[Sam and Jack hug and breifly kiss. Daniel looks towards Catherine in disbelief]
Catherine Langford: I take it they're not engaged in your reality?
Daniel Jackson: No.

Col. O'Neill: Come on Daniel, let's get you fixed up.
Dr. Jackson: No! There's no time! We're all in very big trouble! They're coming! They're coming...

Politics [1.20][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Now I know this is hard for you guys to believe, but I swear to you the whole time you thought I had disappeared on P3R-233, I was experiencing an alternate reality.
Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] And you were there, and you were there, and there's no place like home.

Capt. Carter: Daniel, it's not that we don't believe you…
Dr. Jackson: So you do?
Col. O'Neill: No. It's just that we don't believe you.

Capt. Carter: Alright, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences?"
Daniel Jackson: Yes. Ah, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth, I wasn't even part of the program, you and Jack were engaged to be married.
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me?
Capt. Carter: What?

Col. O'Neill: All right, wait a minute. Let—let me get something straight here. Engaged?
Capt. Carter: It is theoretically possible.
Col. O'Neill: It's against regulations!
Capt. Carter: I'm talking physics, sir.

Capt. Carter: Major Samuels.
Samuels: Actually, it's Lt. Col. Samuels now.
Col. O'Neill: You'll always be 'Sparky' to me.

Gen. Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.
Col. O'Neill: How about a bake sale? [Hammond gives him a stern look] Yard sale? Garage...
Gen. Hammond: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: Car wash?

Dr. Jackson: Senator, we have reason to believe that the Goa'uld are about to launch an attack, in force, in ships.
Senator Kinsey: Then I think they'll regret taking on the United States military!
Col. O'Neill: Oh, for God's sake…
Dr. Jackson: [sarcastic] Oh, you're right! We'll—-we'll just upload a computer virus into the mothership!
[This is a reference to the film Independence Day, which, incidentally, was written by Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin, the creators of the original movie Stargate.]

(about Kinsey wanting to shut down the program)
Gen Hammond: That's it, colonel.
Capt. Carter: It can't be...
Col. O'Neill: Sir, with all due respect-
Dr. Jackson: So with all due respect, the good senator is an ass.

Within the Serpent's Grasp [1.21][edit]

[A group of Jaffa march past SG-1's hiding place]
Col. O'Neill: I always get a happy, tingly feeling when I see those guys.

Dr. Jackson: [inspecting a silver ball] Teal'c, what is this?
Teal'c: It is a Goa'uld long-range visual communication device. Somewhat like your television, only much further advanced.
Col. O'Neill: Think it gets Showtime?
[The series was airing on the Showtime network at this point.]

Season 2[edit]

The Serpent's Lair [2.1][edit]

[SG-1 is about to complete a suicide mission.]
Col. O'Neill: Now, I suppose this is the time for me to say something profound. [pause] Nothing comes to mind, let's do it.

Bra'tac: We offer to lay down our lives for your world, human. You cannot ask more.
Col. O'Neill: No, I can't. But I think a better idea is to get the other guys to lay down their lives for their world first, hmm?

Col. O'Neill: We've been in worse situations than this.
Teal'c: Not to my knowledge.

Col. O'Neill: I think what the Captain's asking is, "What do we do now?"
Bra'tac: Now we die.
Col. O'Neill: Well, that's a bad plan.

Bra'tac: All my life I've been serving false gods! No more!

Bra'tac: You are Hammond...(He gestures to his own head of Hammond's bald head) of Texas?
General Hammond: I am.
Bra'tac: Your warriors do you credit.

Bra'tac: (Contemplating how to destroy the shield generator) First we must rappel several levels down to the core. The we must take our staff weapons and-
Col. O'Neill:(Arms two grenades and tosses them down. They watch as the generator explodes.) Grenades.

[Jack gives Daniel a hug after seeing him alive]
Col. O'Neill: Space Monkey. Yeah!

In the Line of Duty [2.2][edit]

Teal'c: [having just zatted Daniel] Are you injured?
Dr. Jackson: Dumb question. But, thank you. I think.
Teal'c: You are welcome.
Dr. Jackson: Just don't ever do that again.

Prisoners [2.3][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Teal'c, look scary and take point.

Linea: All debts have now been paid.

The Gamekeeper [2.4][edit]

Capt. Carter: I like what they've done with the place.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not so sure I like what the place has done to them.

Dr.Jackson: We're out.
Col. O'Neill: [leaping out of the device] Whoa! Whew.
Capt. Carter: Wait. Didn't that seem just a little too easy?
Col. O'Neill: Yes, it did. Let's go home.

General Hammond: What are you doing, Colonel?
Col. O'Neill: Ah, I'm looking for the edges of a mask.
General Hammond: What?
Col. O'Neill:You're obviously not the real General Hammond.
General Hammond: Sit down, Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: I don't think so, bucko. The jig's up, we're on to ya.
General Hammond: What are you talking about?
Capt. Carter: We're still on P7J-989.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, you betcha. This is just a new game brought to you by our good friend [Pats Hammond on the head] the Keeper.

Dr. Jackson: Where are we going?
Col. O'Neill: Back through the Gate to show them what their planet looks like... [gets confused] ...in our memories... before the virtual reality... Leave me alone!

Col. O'Neill: This is real this time, isn't it?
Gamekeeper: [sternly, to the residents] Do not pull that!! You are ruining the garden! [turns to glare at O'Neill and Jackson] I told you they will ruin everything! First, the garden, next, the entire planet!
O'Neill and Jackson: [grinning] It's real.

Need [2.5][edit]

Col. O'Neill: [to Daniel](chuckles) Surprisingly difficult to kill you, isn't it?

Col. O'Neill: Carter's been having those... Goa'uld flashbacks of hers. She says if you don't stop using that... thing, you'll go to the dark side on us. If you haven't already.

Capt. Carter: Lately, I get this weird feeling when I'm near Teal'c
Jack O'Neill: Hey, who doesn't?

Col. O'Neill: [to General Hammond] We had a nice time, Sir. Carter found some naquadah. Teal'c made some new friends, as usual. Daniel got engaged. And I, uh... I'm gonna hit the showers.

Dr. Jackson: I wouldn't be here if I didn't care.

Dr. Jackson: You can't use this anymore. It will be hard. Trust me. But you don't have to go through it alone.

Thor's Chariot [2.6][edit]

Col. O'Neill: You all know I take great pride in my title as Mr. Positive, but we did destroy their de-Goa'ulding thing; might not they look unkindly on that?

Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device in order to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Col. O'Neill: General, I gave the order.
Dr. Jackson: I fired the staff at the machine.
Capt. Carter: And I... was there.

[Col. O'Neill and Teal'c are observing the Horus guards]
Col. O'Neill: What's with the heads? They look like those guys who used to be with Ra back on Abydos.
Teal'c: They are Horus. They guard the family of Ra. These probably guard the Goa'uld Heru-ur.
Col. O'Neill: And he'd be Ra's what? Cousin? Uncle?
Teal'c: He is the son of Ra and of Hathor.
Col O'Neill: [sarcastic] Nice pedigree.

Heru-ur: Kneel before your god!
Olaf: My god is Thor! And he taught us to stand as equals!
Heru-ur: Your god has abandoned you. Only I can help you now. Strangers were seen coming through the Chappa'ai. Where are they? Answer! Answer!
Olaf: Thor taught us to have no fear of death!
Heru-ur: But what did he teach you of pain?

Olaf: Thunder and Fire! You do indeed possess Thor's might!

Dr. Jackson: Well, I guess we'll have to hold up here awhile till things calm down.
Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.

[The hologram of the human viking Thor transforms into Thor's true form, which resembles a Roswell Grey.]
Dr. Jackson: Oh, my god!
Thor: I am the actual one whom you know as Thor.

Dr. Jackson: Before riding into battle the Sioux used to say, 'It is a good day to die'
[Col. O'Neill hits Dr. Jackson on the arm for saying it, when the skies suddenly darken. Black clouds roll out of the bright clear sky and peals of thunder are heard.]
Col. O'Neill: Oh my!
[Out of the middle of the black clouds a massive ship looking like the hammer teleportation devices descends upon the Goa'uld motherships and camp.]
Dr. Jackson: Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe this is Thor's Chariot.
Teal'c: An Asgard Mothership! I've only heard of them described in Jaffa legend!

Gairwyn: The Ettins are gone. Thor sends his thanks. Without you this would not have been possible.
Dr. Jackson: Well, I still think we got kind of lucky.
Gairwyn: I was to give you a message to satisfy your curiosity. They are a race that has visited your world often. They are friend of all, protector of all. Except the Goa'uld with whom they are at war.
Col. O'Neill: That's fine. But I would've still liked to have met the fellow.
Gairwyn: Well like us, he says you are still much too young. As for us, we have much to rebuild. Thor promises to send an Asgard teacher to help us.
Teal'c: So Cimmeria will be a safe world again. That is good.
Gairwyn: I am also to tell you that Thor's new hammer will make the exception for the one named Teal'c. You are welcome here any time.

Message in a Bottle [2.7][edit]

Capt. Carter: Like some sort of booby trap?
Teal'c: [confused] Booby?

Daniel Jackson: You know, I don't think it's the artifact- he gets nervous like that every time he's around you. Maybe a crush.
Graham Simmons: Um, we're recording now.
Capt. Carter: Thank you, Lieutenant.
Daniel Jackson: Oops, hey, the artifact...

Col. O'Neill: Good morning, campers! Sleep well? I did.
Dr. Jackson: Oh, it can't be morning.
Col. O'Neill: Ah, but it is. We ship out at oh, 1300 hours.

Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Col. O'Neill: It's wild horses, Teal'c... That was a joke... You told a joke. Don't make me laugh.

Family [2.8][edit]

Fro'tak: You are the warriors of the Tau'ri? I am Fro'tak of the High Cliffs.
Col. O'Neill: Jack of the Windy City.

Apophis: I will give one million shesh'ta to the Jaffa who brings Teal'c to me alive and another million for the heads of those who are with him.
Col. O'Neill: Well, if you've got a price on your head, you're doing your job.

Col. O'Neill: [Wearing Jaffa armour] No wonder these guys are so cranky! Get me out of this thing.

Secrets [2.9][edit]

Col. O'Neill: You know, I can navigate my way across the galaxy, but I get lost every time I come to Washington.

Col. O'Neill: It's 'O'Neill', with two L's. There's another Col. O'Neil with only one L, and he has no sense of humor at all.
[This is a reference to the 1994 movie Stargate, in which a dour Kurt Russell plays Col. Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil.]

Col. O'Neill: I retired myself one time. Couldn't stay away.
Jacob Carter: From your analysis of deep space radar telemetry...
Col. O'Neill: (flatly) Well it's just so damn fascinating.
Gen. Jacob Carter: I'm sure it is. Otherwise you wouldn't be receiving the Air Medal.
Col' O'Neill: We have our moments. (O'Neill, General Hammond, and Samantha Carter all look at each other and smile) Uh...will you excuse me? We just don't get out of Cheyenne Mountain nearly enough. I'm gonna go grab some air...outside. General, Captain, General...waiter. (as he walks away)

Jacob Carter: But whatever you really analyze in that mountain, deep space or no deep space, it can't be nearly as exciting as the real thing. I'm talking about NASA Sam. I'm talking about you actually going to space someday.

Heru'ur: You dare challenge me?
Col. O'Neill: 'S thinkin' about it.
[Tosses knife through energy barrier into Heru'ur's hand]


Bane [2.10][edit]

General Hammond: Maybourne has been given authorization to take Teal'c under surveillance of his medical team.
Col. O'Neill: General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.
[Maybourne looks at Hammond dumbfounded and afraid]

General Hammond: [Hears unusual sound of something hitting against the iris] What is that?
Col. O'Neill: Those are bugs sir! Big! Ugly bugs!

[Teal'c has just given Ally, a young girl, a very powerful Super Soaker water gun. She immediately uses it to squirt Teal'c, and then runs off]
Dr. Jackson: Guess we shouldn't have loaded it.
Teal'c: [pulling out an even bigger Super Soaker] How else would she defend herself? [squirts Daniel, then takes off after Ally]
Dr. Jackson: [wringing the water out of his shirt] Yes. How else.

Ally helping Teal'c: Don't sweat it. [meaning "don't worry about it"]
Teal'c: [covered in perspiration] I cannot prevent it.

O'Neill: Carter, there are bugs on that planet. Big, huge, ugly honkin' bugs!'

The Tok'ra [2.11 and 2.12][edit]

Col. O'Neill: You know, in some galaxies this is called "loitering."

Dr. Jackson: We're here to seek the Tok'ra.
Col. O'Neill: Assuming, of course, you are the Tok'ra.
Tok'ra: And if we're not?
Col. O'Neill: Well, I guess we all start shooting. There's blood, death, hard feelings… it'd suck.

Teal'c: Chelnak!
Dr. Jackson: Direct translation: Very cool!

[Jacob is about to die and Hammond and Carter are considering having him become a host to Selmak, which would save his life]
Capt. Carter: Well, believe it or not, we need your help, Dad.
Jacob: What? The Pentagon wants me to deliver a message to God when I get up there?
Gen. Hammond: Not exactly.
Jacob: Well, I don't plan to see the other guy.

Gen. Hammond: They were holding you prisoner, Colonel. Still are holding SG-3 and the rest of your team.
Cap. Carter: Only temporarily Sir. And they thought it was to protect us as much as them.
Col. O'Neill:...Yeah, I didn't buy that one myself, Sir.

Jacob/Selmak: Apparently, I'm the oldest and wisest among us.
Capt. Carter: Oh, geez.

Spirits [2.13][edit]

SG-11 Xe'ls: It is as I suspected! They intend to deceive our friend, Tonane! It is time to show these Earthlings the power of the Spirits!

Col. O'Neill: Brace yourselves. SG-11 is boppin' around, wavin' their arms, makin' our people disappear.

Dr. Jackson: Jack?
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: Are you you?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. You?
Dr. Jackson: What?
Col. O'Neill: Never mind.

Dr. Jackson: Don't shoot! Just let them tend to Xe'ls.
Col. O'Neill: How do I know you're the real Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: …Because.
Col. O'Neill: [shrugs shoulders] …yeah, okay.

Xe'ls: Tekaya, destroy this place!
Dr. Jackson: Wait! You promised to listen.
Xe'ls: What they don't know won't hurt them. Isn't that what your leaders said? Their word means nothing!
Tekaya: As would mine! I gave my word to this one [indicates Jackson] so we could save you.
Xe'ls: Very well. I am listening but nothing might sway me from punishing you.
Col. O'Neill: For what? Showing Tonane who you really are? You've been posing as their gods for cryin out loud.
Tekaya: Is that truly what you believe we do? When we drove away the Goa'uld a hundred years ago, we posed as their Spirits to guide and protect them without interferring. And now...
Xe'ls: You have disrupted the harmony between us. In time, they will learn to fear us, take the key, and forge weapons against us.
Dr. Jackson: No. Tonane's people are from this world. Even now they value the natural world above technology.
Col. O'Neill: Trust them. You shouldn't be posing as their gods.
Xe'ls: That still doesn't erase the second transgression.
Col. O'Neill: Fine. I give you my word. We will not try to mine the metal.
Tekaya: Even if we could take your word, your superiors will not be swayed by your oath.
Col. O'Neill: Then don't take my word for it. Shut down your Stargate. That way, no one can come to your world unless you allow it.
Tekaya: (Looking at Xe'ls) Star travel is useless to us. Let's shut down the gate. Our friend Tonane is wise, as is our friend Jack.
Xe'ls: And so he is.


Touchstone [2.14][edit]

Col. O'Neill: We came here in peace, we expect to go in one... piece.

Col. O'Neill: Case of the left hand not knowing what the right foot is doing, sir?

Gen. Hammond: Colonel, I need some documents hand delivered to the Groom Lake Facility.
Col. O'Neill: Are these documents sensitive enough to warrant a three-man team with a Jaffa escort, sir?
Gen. Hammond: Absolutely.

Col. O'Neill: This where you're keepin' the little green men?
Area 51 officer: There are no alien life forms at Area 51.
Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] Present company excluded, of course.

Col. Maybourne: Teal'c! It's good to see you well.
Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.
Col. Maybourne: Well, isn't that...interesting.

Capt. Carter: Now, if we can't track the Touchstone, there may still be a way to track the second Gate on Earth.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, sure! Let's just put out an APB for a huge honkin' two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it.

Gen. Hammond: We're transporting our people across the galaxy...to find something we lost in our own back yard! Incredible!

The Fifth Race [2.15][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Well, this was an intergalactic waste of time!

Col. O'Neill: [annoyed] Daniel, how long do you figure we oughta hang out here and scratch our cosmic heads?

Col. O'Neill: I'm telling you, I am absolutely fine. There is nothing cruvus with me!
[Everyone in the room stares at him]
Col. O'Neill: What?
Dr. Jackson: You just said there's nothing "cruvus" with you.
Col. O'Neill: What? No I didn't.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, you did.
Col. O'Neill: I did not.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, you did.
Col. O'Neill: Didn't.
Dr. Jackson: Did.
Col. O'Neill: Didn't.
Dr. Jackson: Did.
Col. O'Neill: [annoyed] Cruvus?! What is that?!

[Teal'c and Jack are boxing.]
Teal'c: What is the purpose of these gloves, O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: So we don't hurt each other.
[Teal'c looks at him doubtfully.]
Col. O'Neill: I'll be honest with you, Teal'c, it's so you don't hurt me.
Teal'c: If our purpose is to not cause each other harm, why then are we doing battle, O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: What can I tell you Teal'c, it's boxing. It's fun, c'mon!
[Jack begins dancing. When Teal'c doesn't move, he stops]:
Col. O'Neill: C'mon Teal'c, you gotta move around a little. You gotta dance!
Teal'c: I am confused, O'Neill. Are we preparing to dance or to do battle?
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c, if you don't move around, you're a sittin' duck. You're a target!
[O'Neill lands a punch on Teal'c, who still is not moving]:
Col. O'Neill: Ha! Like that!
[Teal'c looks down at the spot on his chest where O'Neill hit him, then looks at O'Neill with raised eyebrows]:
Col. O'Neill: I'm sorry, did I hurt you?
Teal'c: I am fine.
Col. O'Neill: Well that's why you gotta move aroun-
[Teal'c hits O'Neill in the head, knocking him over]:
Teal'c: How was that, O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: That's good...that's...good. But, uh, think about keeping your hands up...Is my nose bleedin'?
Teal'c: You are fine.

Col. O'Neill: Well, apparently I've lost the falatus to speak properly! [pause] That wasn't a joke. I didn't do that on purpose.

Dr. Jackson: Uh, w-well, my translation's a little bit vague, um, I think the circle means 'the place of our legacy'…or it could be 'a piece of our leg', but the first seems to make more sense.

Asgard: You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the Fifth Race.

Col. O'Neill: I'm back.
Dr. Jackson: What happened?
Teal'c: Do you still possess the knowledge of the Ancients?
Col. O'Neill: Nope. Don't remember a thing. [To Daniel] But ya know that meaning-of-life stuff?
[Daniel nods slightly]:
Col. O'Neill: I think we're gonna be alright...

A Matter of Time [2.16][edit]

Jack O'Neill: Look, I know I should know this by now. I swear it'll be the last time I ask. These wormholes we go through, they're not always there, right?
Capt. Carter: No, sir. They can only form between two open gates.
Jack O'Neill: What's with the worm part? The worm thing. I-I don't get that.
Capt. Carter: That's just a metaphor.
Jack O'Neill: Right. I knew that.

Capt. Carter: Do you know anything about quantum gravity?
Teal'c: No.
Capt. Carter: Apparently, neither do I.

[Watching the video feed from the doomed men and women of SG-10, slowed by the time dilation effects of the black hole's gravity]
General Hammond: There's nothing we can do to save them?
Col. O'Neill: They've had it, sir.
General Hammond: You know that for a fact, Colonel?
Col. O'Neill: No, sir, I don't. But have a look at Major Boyd's face. What does that tell you?
General Hammond: Very well. Disengage the Stargate.
Capt. Carter: Sir, by some fluke of Stargate technology, we are witnessing something that the laws of physics say we can't possibly witness.
Col. O'Neill: (angrily) We are witnessing good men dying in slow motion, Captain.
Capt. Carter: (embarrassed) You're right, sir.
General Hammond: Shut it down.

Colonel Cromwell: Man, she is--
Jack O'Neill: Way smarter than we are. I know.

Capt. Carter: Keep your distance, Lieutenant. Sir, for some reason, the warping of our space-time seems to be in advance of the gravitational field rather than as a result of it. It's probably a lensing effect generated by the Stargate itself, but I can't be sure.
Colonel Cromwell:(to Colonel O'Neill) Don't even pretend you understood that.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're pulling some major gees now.
Colonel Cromwell: I feel like I put on a couple hundred pounds.
Jack O'Neill: I wasn't going to say anything.

Serpent's Song [2.17][edit]

Col. O'Neill: What do you want?
Apophis: To live.
Col. O'Neill: Can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute! You are your god! That's a problem.

Apophis: I am worth far more to you than you will admit.
Col. O'Neill: You tell me what are you worth?
Apophis: Your people, they are still primitive. They will be destroyed.
Col. O'Neill: You don't look like you're up to it.
Apophis: Not me. There is another.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah? Who?
Apophis: There is much you would learn from me, Tau'ri. [breathes heavily] But for that knowledge there is a price.
[Col. O'Neill rolls his eyes.]
Apophis: A new host.
Col. O'Neill: [raises his eyebrows] A host?
Apophis: So that I may live. In exchange for all the knowledge of the Goa'uld. The secrets of star travel, our weapons, our power.
Col. O'Neill: All that…
Apophis: In time, more.
Col. O'Neill: [leans down] Go to hell.
Apophis: A single human life is worth so much you would risk a world?
Col. O'Neill: That's right. That's why they call us the good guys.
[Apophis lies back and exhales.]
Col. O'Neill: Doc, let me know when he dies.

[SG-1 is discussing Sokar]
Col. O'Neill: Which is he?
Dr. Jackson: I don't know, but his portion of Tuat, or the otherworld, was filled with lakes of fire, where the wicked were thrown into as punishment after torture and mutilation.
Col. O'Neill: Hell.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, basically, he was the original Satan.
Col. O'Neill: Well, isn't that special?

Apophis: Teal'c, there was once a time you would have died for me.
Teal'c: That time is no more.

Col. O'Neill: Holy...buckets.

Holiday [2.18][edit]

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill have just returned to the SGC through the Stargate]
Gen. Hammond: How did it go?
Teal'c: [in Col. O'Neill's body] It did not go well, Gen. Hammond.
Col. O'Neill: [in Teal'c's body, sarcastically] Ya think?

Col. O'Neill: Describe for me... the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Dr. Jackson: [In Ma'chello's body] I don't have a sister, Jack, and even if I did, I wouldn't let you near her.

Ma'chello: [in Daniel's body, speaking to people who ignore him] Hello, friend. I am new to this area. I would like to learn about your culture and customs. Will you teach me? Do you not understand me?
Fred: Spare any change, please?
Ma'chello: Why does no one answer me?
Fred: 'Cause you're strange.
Ma'chello: Am I? Tell me how I am strange.
Fred: Man, you can't be just walking up to people you don't know on the street and talking all weird like that, asking for stuff.
Ma'chello: Isn't that what you are doing?
Fred: Well, yeah, but--
Ma'chello: Then you must be strange as well.
Fred: I been called worse. Sure, I'm strange, too.
Ma'chello: I am called Ma'chello.
Fred: I'm Fred.
Ma'chello: Let us feast together, Fred, and celebrate our strangeness and... new-found friendship.
Fred: On you?
Ma'chello: If that is the custom, we will feast [indicates himself] on me.

Ma'chello: [in Dr. Jackson's body] I do not wish to fight any longer. From now on I only want to eat hamburgers and french fries and ice cream sundaes and I want to be with good people like you, Fred.

Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, what are you doing?
Teal'c: [In Jack's body] If I am to remain in this body, I must shave my head
Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] You're making a joke, right?
Teal'c: [In Jack's body] I am not joking.
Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, you will not shave my head!
Teal'c: [In Jack's body] It is presently my head, O'Neill.
Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, this is only temporary!
Teal'c: [In Jack's body] And if it is not?
Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Just give them a chance to find Daniel, okay? Teal'c, I'm going to see General Hammond. Promise me you won't touch the head until I get back.

Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "Why?"
Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "Why? Because I earned it, that's why. I earned it because I sacrificed my life for you and your people. The least you could do was compensate me with another."
Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "What right do you have to judge the value of my life?"
Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "I have suffered more than anyone should suffer in a lifetime. For 50 years, I fought against the Goa'uld, then I was betrayed by my wife, whom they secretly turned into a host."
Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "So was mine. She's still with them."
Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "At least you still have a planet. And friends. Two billion of my people died rather than surrender me to the Goa'uld."
Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "You have made great sacrifices. For that we owe you...gratitude. That still does not give you the right to take another's life."
Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "If you had the technology, you'd do the same."
Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "No, I wouldnt, because then I'd be no better than the Goa'uld."
Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "I AM NOT A GOA'ULD! I HATE THE GOA'ULD!"
Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "The Goa'uld use people as hosts because they think they're better than them. Because they think they deserve it. You're a Goa'uld, Ma'chello. I am nothing but a host to you."
Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "I am not a Goa'uld."

Sam: "Colonel?"
Jack (in Daniel's body): "I'm here."
Sam: "How do you feel, physically?"
Jack (in Daniel's body): "Peachy."

Daniel (in Jack's body): "Whoa. What a dream. What happened?"
Sam: "I dont have time to explain right now, Daniel, just bear with me."
Daniel (in Jack's body): "Okay."
Jack (in Daniel's body): "Hey, Danny-boy."
Daniel (in Jacks body): "...Jack?!"

Ma'chello: "Thank you. For my holiday."


One False Step [2.19][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Déjà vu.
Teal'c: I am unfamiliar with that term.
Dr. Jackson: It means, "I feel like I've been here before."
Teal'c: That is correct, Daniel Jackson. Yesterday, when we first arrived on this planet.
Dr. Jackson: [Pause] Right. What was I thinking?

Dr. Jackson: Well, I have to admit this is one of the stranger cultures I've ever seen. As far as I can tell, they're communal, but there's very little sign of actual social communication. I haven't seen any tools or signs of a functional civilization.
Col. O'Neill: So they're a little less evolved than we are.
Dr. Jackson: Well, we don't wanna jump to any conclusions. Remember the Nox.
Capt. Carter: And they did build these...homes.
Col. O'Neill: That's a kind appraisal. What about the UAV?
Dr. Jackson: Well, I've tried everything I know about rudimentary communication, and to be honest, I've had more successful conversations with dogs.
Col. O'Neill: So...
Dr. Jackson: So they're probably a little less evolved than we are.

Dr. Jackson: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Col. O'Neill: Witness if you will: Squat.

Col. O'Neill: Well, we're not gonna stand around doing nothing.
Dr. Jackson: We're not doing nothing.
Col. O'Neill: You're videotaping a plant.
Dr. Jackson: Well, I think this might be important.
Col. O'Neill: Well, I think you might be losing what's left of your mind.
Dr. Jackson: [Pause] ... What's that supposed to mean?
Col. O'Neill: It means that on a good day, you can be a little flaky.
Dr. Jackson: And on a good day you can be a little ignorant and condescending.
Col. O'Neill: Not condescending. You're obviously misreading a basic philosophical difference in opinion on how to handle a crisis.
Dr. Jackson: Oh, please! We have a-a difference of opinion on just about everything.
Col. O'Neill: Gimme an example.
Dr. Jackson: I dunno, pick something! How about -- how about mythology?
Col. O'Neill: Rumors, lies, fairytales.
Dr. Jackson: [Finally losing it, jumping around in a frustrated circle] Y'see?! See? See? See? See?? See?? Mythology is one of the primary motivations for cultural development!
Col. O'Neill: Maybe it is; what's that got to do with filming a plant?!
Dr. Jackson: Exactly!
Col. O'Neill: What does that mean?!
Dr. Jackson: I don't know!

Dr. Jackson: Y'know I thought the alien on the video looked fairly docile, more curious than harmful.
Col. O'Neill: I thought it looked... bald, white and naked.

Hammond: So this inaudible sound was making you sick, but not in the same way that it was affecting the aliens? They need the sound to live but we altered it by harming the organism that makes the sound?
O'Neill: Sounds right.

Col. O'Neill: The plant is making that sound?!
Capt. Carter: Sir, it's an alien organism on another planet.
Col. O'Neill: Good point.

[Daniel sneezes] Col. O'Neil: "Bless"


Show and Tell [2.20][edit]

Charlie: Mother says the boys of your culture don't cry.
Col. O'Neill: Not true! In fact there's an official list of reasons for which crying is a good thing.
Charlie: Mother is leaving.
Col. O'Neill: See, that's a good reason. "Mom Leaving" is, I believe, number six on the list of good reasons. Actually, six is "Mom Says She's Leaving in a Couple of Days." Five is "Mom Leaving Immediately." Four, of course, is "Mom Already Left." Three—now, three is huge, one of the biggest ones on the list—

Gen. Hammond: [While examining the monitor blasted by "Mother"] Theories? Suggestions?
Capt. Carter: Seems obvious this Re'tu exists.
Col. O'Neill: Well, here's a question: How do we deal with an invisible threat?
Capt. Carter: We need a way to detect them.
Col. O'Neill: That would be helpful.

Gen. Hammond: [After the teams return from the Re'tu planet] So you would say threat assessment is high... [Turns to O'Neill]
Col. O'Neill: Oh yeah.
Capt. Carter: There were a lot of them, sir.
Teal'c: They are indeed invisible.

1969 [2.21][edit]

Jack O'Neill: This looks suspiciously like the butt end of a Titan missile

[A guard comes to get the SG-1 team.]
Guard: [in Russian] Вы советские шпионы? [Are you Soviet spies?]
Dr. Jackson: [in Russian] Нет. [No.]
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: He just asked if we were Soviet spies… oh.
Jack O'Neill: Nyet?!

Maj. Thornbird: What was the weapon you used?
Col. O'Neill: [innocently] Weapon?
Maj. Thornbird: Our cameras saw some sort of weapon.
Col. O'Neill: Oh. Well, it's hard to say.
Maj. Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
Col. O'Neill: No, just difficult to pronounce.

[Jack is being interrogated by a military officer in 1969.]
Maj. Thornbird: I'm Major Robert Thornberg. And you are?
Col. O'Neill: Capt. James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise.
Maj. Thornbird: Your dog tags say otherwise.
Col. O'Neill: They're lying.
[Later, in the same scene.]
Maj. Thornbird: You can either talk to me, or you can talk to the C-I-A.
Col. O'Neill: Hmmmm, Bob, can I call you Bob?
Maj. Thornbird: Even though you will achieve nothing.
Col. O'Neill: Unless that's exactly what we were trying to achieve.
Maj. Thornbird: Kirk, you can talk to me, or you can talk to the C.I.A.
Col. O'Neill:(pretending to be impressed) Ooh. All right. I'll be honest with you, Bob. My name's not Kirk. (pausing for effect) It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.

Col. O'Neill: Or…
Capt. Carter: I can't think of an 'or' at the moment, sir.
Dr. Jackson: No 'or'?
Col. O'Neill: There is an 'or'.
Dr. Jackson: There's an 'or'?
Capt. Carter: Sir, you can't just will something to happen because you want it to be a certain way.
Col. O'Neill: Captain, where there's a will, there's an 'or'... way.

Dr. Jackson: So what's the plan?
Col. O'Neill: Find the Stargate.
Dr. Jackson: Find the Stargate? That's the plan?
Col. O'Neill: Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?

Dr. Jackson: We'll go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners.
Col. O'Neill: How are you going to do that?
Dr. Jackson: Well, I speak twenty-three different languages. Pick one.

[SG-1 has traveled back in time and Carter has been adamant they cannot reveal they are from the future.]
Hippie: I'm Michael.
Teal'c: I am not at liberty to reveal my identity.
Hippie: Far out!

Col. O'Neill: It's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Dr. Jackson: From a galaxy far, far away.

Michael: So your thing, that thing, on your forehead; what's it symbolize? Peace?
Teal'c: Slavery, to false gods.
Michael: Right on. So it's made out of...?
Teal'c: Do not discuss it further.
Michael: I dig. It's cool. [pause] So you just go AWOL?
[Stare from Teal'c]
Michael: Hey, we're cool. After the concert me and Jenny, we're even thinking about crossing the border up to Canada.
Teal'c: For what reason?
Michael: You know, man… the war.
Teal'c: The war with Canada?
Michael: ... No.

Out Of Mind [2.22][edit]

Hathor: [appears from out of nowhere] Silence!
Col. O'Neill: Oh, I was so hoping never to see you again.

Col. O'Neill: [To Hathor] You know…you really should do something about the breath.

Hathor: How do I contact the Asgard so that we may align ourselves with them?
Jack: Roswell, it's a little place in New Mexico.

Season 3[edit]

Into The Fire [3.1][edit]

Col. Makepeace: Can you walk on that?
Dr. Jackson: It's just a deep bleeding gash, but it'll be fine.

[Col. O'Neill grabs Hathor from behind]
Hathor: We will destroy you for this.
Col. O'Neill: And we would just like you to go away!
[Col. O'Neill throws Hathor into a pool of liquid nitrogen]

Col. O'Neill: [pretending to be a Goa'uld] Jaffa, kree!
Trofsky: Kel'mac, Goa'uld? Kree'tak?
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: You heard me, I said "kree!"
Dr. Jackson: Jack?
Col. O'Neill: Hey guys. Makepeace! Nice rescue! Good Job!

Col. O'Neill: All right, listen up. There's something you should know before you start shooting and killing and ruining what could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Our beloved Hathor…is dead.
Trofsky: What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, okay, ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this. She's gone. She is no more. She's… well, let's face it, she's a former queen.

Seth [3.2][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.
Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill. A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's... nose drips.
(To explain the joke the helmet of the Serpent guard looks like a snake, the Horus guard looks like an eagle with a golden beak, the Setesh guard looks like a rooster.)
[Teal'c bursts into loud laughter. Everyone else stares.]

Col. O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Dr. Jackson: They were turned into eunuchs.
Col. O'Neill: Eunuchs as in…snip-a-dee do-da? Sweet.

Seth: Welcome. Who are you?
Col. O'Neill: Well, I'm Larry, this is Moe, and of course, everyone's favorite, Curly.

Col. O'Neill: So help me. If I wake up, and I'm singing soprano…

Teal'c: Many things are complicated, General Carter. In Jaffa society, loving one's children is not one of them.

[ATF phone rings, Hemner answers]:
Special agent J. Hemner: Hemner. Yes Mr. President. Yes sir, I am, yes sir... Well yes sir they are here sir, but... With respect sir, the jurisdictional rules in this case are clear, this is a civilian matter. Are you sure you wanna do that sir? Yes Mr. President.
[To his fellow] Get Col. O'Neill in here.
Col. O'Neill: Some I can do for ya?
Special agent J. Hemner: You wanna tell me what's going on?
Col. O'Neill: Didn't you say you know more than I do..?
Special agent J. Hemner: Well apparently not, I just got off the phone with the president.
Col. O'Neill: [Faking a surprise] Of the United States of America? [Small pause] Sweet. How's he doing?

Agent Hamner: In fact, I'm to issue you an emergency special agent credential. He's put you in charge of this operation.
Jack O'Neill: Excellent! My first order of business: Get me one of those cool jackets! Extra large. Double X-L if you got it.

Fair Game [3.3][edit]

Gen. Hammond: Teal'c, I would like you to act as liaison to the Goa'uld. Dr. Jackson—
Teal'c: [interrupting] Gen. Hammond.
Gen. Hammond: Is there a problem?
Teal'c: I mean no disrespect. But I have given my allegiance to you, to the SGC and to the people of this world, freely. I will, however, not see to the petty needs of these Goa'ulds.
Dr. Jackson: [to Hammond] I'll... see to the petty needs of the Goa'uld, sir.

Dr. Jackson: Uh, the second Goa'uld representative we're expecting is Yu.
Col. O'Neill: Me?
Dr. Jackson: "Yu" is the name of the Goa'uld.
Col. O'Neill: Sorry.

Dr. Jackson: What just happened?
Col. O'Neill: Apparently we said hello, insulted each other, and broke for recess.

Col. O'Neill: Daniel typed up a formal letter—in Goa'uld—and I signed it. That boy can really grovel if he has to.

Dr. Jackson: We believe you, Teal'c, but I just don't think anyone else is going to.
Col. O'Neill: Certainly not those lying, scheming, no-good-for-nothing, slimy, overdressed stylemongers--
Maj. Carter: Sir! I'd like to try something.
[Carter leaves]
Col. O'Neill: I wasn't finished.

Maj. Carter: [holding a trans-phase eradication rod on Nirrti] You ever seen one of these things work? 'Cause there's nothing more I would like to do right now than demonstrate.

[The System Lords are leaving through the Stargate]:
Cronus: We will not attack your world, but if you continue to use your stargate, be warned... Anyone who is caught by one of the System Lords will be shown no mercy. They will suffer greatly...
Col' O'Neill: Well that certainly makes life more interesting.
[After the System Lords leave]
Dr. Jackson: [About Nirrti betraying the other System Lords] Boy, is she gonna get it.
Col. O'Neill: [Plainly] My heart bleeds.

Legacy [3.4][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous, I'm out of control? [pause] It's 'cause I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?

Col. O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say, or do, that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

Col. O'Neill: [As they enter the room with dead people] Now that is not a good smell.

Maj. Carter: [After seeing a Goa'uld entrance scar on one corpse] These aren't quite human. They're Goa'uld.

Learning Curve [3.5][edit]

Col. O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I am eleven. How old are you?
Col. O'Neill: So… Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Merrin: You aren't a scientist?
Jack O'Neill: Oh no.
Merrin: Then you are not as smart as Major Carter and Dr Fraiser?
Jack O'Neill: Well it depends on what you mean by... Okay, no! I'm not. But while they were stuck in school, I was out doing other things, like, having fun.

Jack O'Neill: All right! Will you two give it a rest? Both of you. You've been at this for 24 hours. You need rest.
Merrin: I do not need to. Urrone children require little sleep.
Maj. Carter: Okay, now I am jealous.

Jack O'Neill: [Young girl paints a picture of Jack] I look fat.

O'Neill is trying to get to know Merrin after she has gone through the ovarium ceremony, resulting in the loss of her prior personality. He finds her coloring on a wall with crayons he gave her as a gift. He picks up a purple crayon and draws a picture of a face on the wall. Merrin considers it, then scribbles it out.
Col. O'Neill: You’re right. What was I thinking? [scribbles his original drawing out further] You ever seen a dog? Dogs are my favourite people. Some have tails, some don’t...Not a lot of purple dogs...

Tomin: [To Teal'c] I think I understand now why the Goa'uld are so feared.

Point of View [3.6][edit]

Col. O'Neill: All right, so it's possible there's an alternate version of myself out there that actually understands what the hell you're talking about?

Col. O'Neill: [to the alternate Carter] Well exactly, you don't know any of us. And we don't know you, for all we know you could be her evil twin. But then we'd be dealing with cliches and you know how I feel about those. Well, actually, you [pointing to Maj. Carter] know how I feel about those.

[The Carters are examining the Energy Device made by O'Neill in "The Fifth Race"]
Samantha Carter from the parallel Universe: This is incredible. If the Asgard could design this, they're just the little green men we're looking for.
Col. O'Neill: They're grey, actually. Roswell Grey, to be exact.

Col. O'Neill: The combined IQ of Earth might go up a few points having two Carters around.

Dr. Jackson: Okay, well, this is all well and good, but none of us are going anywhere unless we get that Asgard generator working again.
Col. O'Neill: Carter, download the program to the removable whatever it is and meet me and yourself in the lab.

[Jackson is fiddling with the quantum mirror SG-1 needs to get back home]
Col. O'Neill: All right, I gotta know.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, I'm about to activate it.
Col. O'Neill: No, no, no, not that. What the hell does "kree" mean?
Dr. Jackson: Well, actually it means a lot of things. Loosely translated it means "attention", "listen up", "concentrate"…
Col. O'Neill: "Yoo-hoo?"
Dr. Jackson: Yes, in a manner of speaking.

Apophis: My First Prime killed you before my very eyes.
Col. O'Neill: I'm feeling much better, thank you.

[An alternate-reality Carter has to say goodbye to O'Neill, whose counterpart she married]
Samantha: You have to understand, my Jack had the same face, same voice…same hands.
Col. O'Neill: Which brings to mind an obvious question: How could you marry such a loser?

[The Carters are arguing]:
Col. O'Neill: Ladies! Sams... We're all in this... reality together.

Deadman Switch [3.7][edit]

Maj. Carter: Sir, he's not a Goa'uld.
Col. O'Neill: And? But? So? Therefore?

Aris Boch: You were thinking of the Goa'uld personal shields. The ones which allow slower-moving objects to pass through. That would hardly make a good trap, now, would it?
Col. O'Neill: Can't blame a girl for trying.

Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
Dr. Jackson: I'm an archaeologist.
Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor.
Dr. Jackson: …of archeology.

Aris Boch: Captain? You must have some medical training.
Maj. Carter: Actually, I'm a… major now.
Aris Boch: Oh, well how very important. I'll inform the galaxy. Can you get over here now and help me, Major?

Aris Boch: And you, O'Neill, you're considered... well, you're a pain in the mikta.
Col. O'Neill: [looks over at Teal'c] Neck?
Teal'c: No.

Col. O'Neill: We're exactly one zat gun short of actually having a zat gun.
Aris Boch: Zat gun?
Col. O'Neill: Drop the n'kitel.
[Aris considers this for a moment]
Aris Boch: I guess it does save a bit of effort.

Col. O'Neill: So Teal'c, how does one Goa'uld fire weapons from several directions?
Teal'c: Tacs.
Col. O'Neill: Tac'nik'tels?
Teal'c: Tacuchnatagamuntorons.
[Jack stares at him]
Teal'c: Tacs.

[O'Neill and Jackson are trying to remember the alien password Boch used to open his ship]
Dr. Jackson: Barockna!
Col. O'Neill: Gesundheit.

[SG-1 meets Aris Boch]:
Col. O'Neill: Who are you?
Aris Boch: Aris Boch. Perhaps you've heard of me.
Col. O'Neill: Umm.. not I... Teal'c?
Teal'c: I have not.
Aris Boch: Well that's disappointing. I'm one of the galaxy's greatest bounty hunters.
Col. O'Neill: Not ringing a bell, sorry.
Aris Boch: Well I know you. Captain Samantha Carter. Dr Daniel Jackson. The Jaffa traitor Teal'c. And Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: Well, fancy that. We're famous.

Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson is right. There is something you can do.
Col. O'Neill: Let's hear it.
Aris Boch: Well, you help me capture a Goa'uld, and I'll let you go.
Col. O'Neill: He's worth that much?
Aris Boch: Twice as much as all of you put together.
Col. O'Neill: Twice?
Dr. Jackson: Twice.
Aris Boch: What, you're gonna argue?

Aris Boch: Oh, uh Dr. Jackson, I was lying to you before. The price on your head is much more than a day's ration. Actually, the Goa'uld want to see you dead as much as anyone for figuring out the stargate.
Dr. Jackson: Thank you, that... doesn't make me feel better.

Demons [3.8][edit]

[SG-1 arrives on a new planet]
Col. O'Neill: Ah, trees, trees, and more trees. What a wonderfully green universe we live in, eh?
(This was an inside joke as one of Richard Dean Anderson's criticisms of always filming in Canada was the abundance of filming with lots of trees):

Teal'c: This path is well travelled.
Dr. Jackson: This means the Stargate is still in use by someone.
Col. O'Neill: [Lifting his pinky to his mouth, remiscient of Dr. Evil] Or something...

Col. O'Neill: Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
Col O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Dr. Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They…well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
Col. O'Neill: Thus…saving the person?
Dr. Jackson: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Col. O'Neill: Carter, the next time I feel the urge to help someone, feel free to give me a swift kick.

Col. O'Neill: Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

Col. O'Neill: So.. how long you gonna keep this up? The demon bit? Don't get me wrong, looks like a great gig. You got the padre in your back pocket, the hours are good, probably get all the chicks...ahh! [Unas grabs his neck]
Col. O'Neill: Oh my apple!

Unas: You are not of this world.
Col. O'Neill: No, no we're not. Unas? What does Sokar have on you that makes you so dang cranky?

Col. O'Neill: Look, we've run into this kind of thing before. Now, it's not a demon. It's demonesque I'll grant you, but it's just a big, ugly creature.
Daniel Jackson: (quietly, to O'Neill) : Who's inhabited by a Goa'uld that gives it great strength, intelligence and the ability to regenerate.
Col. O'Neill: Yes. It's a very smart, resilient creature.
Daniel Jackson: (quietly) : In the service of Sokar, who, for all intents and purposes, is Satan to these people.
Col. O'Neill: But it's not a demon.
Daniel Jackson: (to Simon) : No, it's not a demon.

Rules of Engagement [3.9][edit]

Hibbard: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Col. O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Capt. Rogers: You came through the chappa'ai. This is a challenge!
Dr. Jackson: The chappa'ai?
[Rogers realizes that he revealed too much]
Col. O'Neill: Oy.
Hibbert: [quietly, aside] The stargate, sir.
Capt. Rogers: Stargate of course. We've been so long without challenges. [to Teal'c] I am sorry Master Jaffa. I have revealed myself. [he gives Teal'c his sidearm] You must execute me for the remainder of the day.
Hibbard: [hands his rifle to Jack] You must execute me as well.
Col. O'Neill: Master Teal'c. Might I suggest we...spare them this time?
Teal'c: Very well...underling.
[Jack gives him a look]

Capt. Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. [slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Col. O'Neill: And that information could save your life one day.

[O'Neill brings the captive Rogers his lunch]
Col. O'Neill: Ol' Doc Frasier says you haven't been eating.
Capt. Rogers: It's poison.
Col. O'Neill: It's hospital food, of course it is. [takes a bite of Rogers' sandwich, then speaks with his mouth full] Mmm, tuna…
Capt. Rogers: Go to Sokar.
Col. O'Neill: It's "Go to hell" actually. Which, by the way, is a very rude thing to say to a person offering you a sandwich.
Capt. Rogers: It means the same.
Col. O'Neill: You've got a point.
Capt. Rogers: I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, I've already begun. This…is the infamous Tuna Torture.

Maj. Carter: Teal'c, what about these?
Teal'c: They are intar.
Col. O'Neill: Short for?
Teal'c: Intar.

Teal'c: This is Colonel O'Neill. He is much loved by Apophis. [To O'Neill] You may address the warriors.
Col. O'Neill: Apophis wanted me to tell you that you've all been doing a wonderful job. Couldn't ask for more. Well done. But, he also wanted me to tell you the whole…invasion of the Tau'ri idea has been canceled due to…rain.

Gen. Hammond: [To O'Neill] What happened, Colonel?
Capt. Rogers: [To Hammond] My Lord?
Col. O'Neill: Actually, we just call him…General Hammond.
Capt. Rogers: Where is Apophis?
Col. O'Neill: He's not here. Sorry.
Dr. Fraiser: What have we got?
[Rogers realizes that he's been fooled and tries frantically to get off the stretcher]
Capt. Rogers: Liars! Traitors!
Dr. Fraiser: Easy, easy!
Capt. Rogers: You will be punished! He will avenge me!
Dr. Fraiser: [to Jack] Who is this, sir?
Col. O'Neill: His name is Rogers. Despite appearances, he's not SGC.
[Rogers is wheeled away]:
Gen. Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, my Lord.

[O'Neill is explaining their plans]
Col. O'Neill: All right, once we take the encampment, we become the defenders to buy Carter time. Is everyone clear on that? Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: What?
Col. O'Neill: Good.

Forever in a Day [3.10][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Déjà vu.
Col. O'Neill: Déjà vu.
Dr. Jackson: Déjà vu.

Col. O'Neill: See, now, I miss that. I have no idea what he's saying, but I buy it.

Dr. Jackson: How did you get in here?
Col. O'Neill: Got sick of waiting in the hall, so I let us in. You…need a new lock, by the way.

Col. O'Neill: So Bruce Jenner, sit this one out, huh?
Rothman: Uh, me, why?
Col. O'Neill: You've been reassigned to another unit.
Rothman: Why?
Col. O'Neill: Ok, you're being replaced.
Rothman: Why?
Col. O'Neill: Because I'm intimidated by your intelligence, where's the confusion here?

Past and Present [3.11][edit]

Col. O'Neill: [to Jackson] Listen, I'm not saying the first woman you've fallen for since Sha're isn't a peach… but if she remembers who she is, you'll be the first to go.

Col. O'Neill: Oh my. There is a distinct lack of optimism in this room.

Dr. Fraser: Col.?
Col. O'Neill: I'm sorry, doctor. I forgot who I am.

Ke'ra: There are two people inside me. In time, she will win.

Ke'ra: I sense that before my memory was lost, we knew each other.

General Hammond: Doctor, you're asking me to allow a known homicidal maniac to work with potentially lethal substances?
Dr. Frasier: Yes sir. But with all due respect, Daniel may be right. Ke'ra may be an entirely different person than Linea, without the memories that made her the person she was.
O'Neill: Scuse me, amnesia check? Destroyer. Of. Worlds.

Jolinar's Memories [3.12][edit]

[Martouf and SG-1 are infiltrating a planet modeled after human conception of Hell.]
Martouf: Shall we embark?
Col. O'Neill: By all means. To Hell with us.

Martouf: The Tok'ra have reason to believe that Sokar is preparing to launch a massive attack against the System Lords.
Col. O'Neill: Isn't that good news?
Teal'c: The chaotic and feudal nature of the System Lords fragmented rule is a far more vulnerable target than that of one all powerful Goa'uld.
Martouf: Especially if that Goa'uld is Sokar.
Gen. Hammond: He's really that much worse than the others?
Dr. Jackson: Of all the gods he picked to impersonate, he chose The Devil.

Dr. Jackson: Is it me, or is it actually getting hotter in here?
Col. O'Neill: Uh, little of both, probably.

Dr. Jackson: You said Hell, right?
Col. O'Neill: Well, I'm going to end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?

Col. O'Neill: (On seeing the inside of Ne'tu) Certainly not Emerald City.

The Devil You Know [3.13][edit]

Col O'Neill: You do understand we're not too happy to see you.
Apophis: Your insolence is music to my ears.

Apophis: Major Carter was most forthcoming.
Col. O'Neill: She didn't tell you squat. Oh by the way, neither will I.
Apophis: You are not here for information. You are here for my amusement.

Dr. Jackson: Your mate, Amonet, is dead. Sorry to ruin your day. [Pause] No, actually, I'm—I'm wrong about that. I'm not sorry.
Apophis: Sokar sent word to me of Amonet's death. I did not believe it.
Dr. Jackson: Well, believe it. It's true.
Apophis: Then it must also be true that Teal'c is the murderer!
Col. O'Neill: Oh, that must just wrap things up real nice for you?

Col. O'Neill: They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something…that reminded me of the 70's.
Dr. Jackson: The Blood of Sokar.
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah?
Col. O'Neill: I'm going to pass out again.

Tokra Aldrin: They're here! They're here! Go, Go, Go!

Foothold [3.14][edit]

Col. O'Neill: How is a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ears?

[O'Neill is in the infirmary for a post-mission checkup. A nurse approaches with a hypodermic, O'Neill watches dubiously as she prepares the needle.]
Col. O'Neill: [to the nurse] Listen, really jam it in this time, okay? [makes stabbing motion]

Maj. Carter: Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn't you have taken one day off?!

Col. O'Neill: You sure you're up to this?
Teal'c: As always.
Col. O'Neill: You're an animal.

Maybourne: What happened?
Maj. Carter: They self-destructed.
Teal'c: The destruction appears to be complete.
Maj. Carter: That's a lot of damage.
Col. O'Neill: Coat of paint. A little touch-up… it'll be fine.

Teal'c: Those who escaped still possess the knowledge they obtained from being linked to your minds.
Col. O'Neill: That's creepy.

Pretense [3.15][edit]

Maj. Carter: So you built that…Stargate?
Narim: Yes.
Dr. Jackson: [to O'Neill] Way smarter than we are.
Col. O'Neill: Ours is bigger.

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Col. O'Neill: Is that a 'money back if you're not completely alive' guarantee?

Councillor Travell: [to Teal'c, sternly] You disregarded my warning.
Col. O'Neill: [pleased] Mine too. Well done.

Maj. Carter: I thought the Nox were pacifists.
Lya: I merely hid the weapon, I did not fire it.
Major Carter: Ah. Pretty fine line you didn't cross.
Lya: Yes, it is.

Councillor Travell: We are honored that you have agreed to participate in Triad. Your seeker will decide which one of you will be archon.
Col. O'Neill: Seeker? Archon? [to Daniel] Daniel?

Col. O'Neill: Well, this just became a piece of cake, a walk in the park, a day at the beach!
Dr. Jackson: An accident waiting for a place to happen.
Col. O'Neill: Mr. Negative...

Urgo [3.16][edit]

Gen. Hammond: Are we absolutely sure that SG1 is—what's the word?
Dr. Frasier: Sane?
Gen. Hammond: That's the one.

[Sam is walking down the corridor in the middle of a conversation with Urgo]
Sam: I don't have time to play, Urgo, I don't care if I'm "it"...because I have work to do. [pause] No, I am not hungry. Look, go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill or something. I'm very busy right now.

[Hammond and Dr. Frasier walk down the hall toward Sam]
Hammond: Major?
Sam: Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
Hammond: I see.
Sam: Oh, I wish you did.
Dr. Frasier: [addressing the empty corridor behind Carter] Alright, Urgo, Major Carter would like to...
Sam: [gestures to her right] Doctor- He's over here, actually.
Dr. Frasier: [addressing the empty space to Carter's right] Well then Urgo...Major Carter would very much like to be left alone.
Sam: As much as I appreciate it... please... Urgo, that is rude!
Dr. Frasier: [with a shocked look] What did he say?

Gen. Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
Col. O'Neill: Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

Urgo: It's death or me. Me or death. You've got to decide. Me or death. [No answer.] Well?
Col O'Neill: We're thinking.

Maj. Carter: A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic-based technologies. It would be harmless to us, but it should render Urgo impotent.
Urgo: Could you, ah, rephrase that?

Urgo: Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? [tonelessly] What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Want to watch golf on television?

Urgo: I want to live, I want to experience the universe, and I want to eat pie.
Col O'Neill: Who doesn't?

Col. O'Neill: I was not singing. I'd know if I was singing. I don't even know the words to 'Row, row, row…'
[Dr. Fraiser turns on a recording of a surveillance video, in which O'Neill is, indeed, singing]
Col. O'Neill: [on video, singing]...life is but a dream. And row, row, row your boat gently down the stream...
Col. O'Neill: [watching the video] Okay. If you call that "singing".

Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
Col. O'Neill: Carter?
Major Carter: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some kind of visual communication interface controlled hallucination.
Col. O'Neill: So…I…what?
Urgo: He gets confused. By the way: who is Mary Steenburgen?

Urgo: Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're gonna say, ooohhh, how did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion? Woof!
Col. O'Neill: Years from now?
Dr. Jackson: Woof?!

Col. O'Neill: Well, let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with...him yapping away inside our heads?
Urgo: [whispering to Carter] Yes. Say 'yes.'
Col. O'Neill: Or do we want to take the chance so we can get on with our lives?
Urgo: [whispering to Carter] No. Say 'no.'

Urgo: Sam, Sammy! You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving. Boobala! [he pops his finger in his cheek]

Urgo: You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui? With the big beaches and the little bikinis? Well, that's where we should go ... [Sam looks at Jack knowing. He shakes his head as if he has no idea what Urgo's talking about]

Col. O'Neill: [derisive] I'm sure you'll enjoy Urgo's presence just as much as we have.
Urgo: Ha, I knew you liked me!

Urgo: Count me out. I don't want to do it. He's mean and boring and—and—and... mean.
Col. O'Neill: We're giving you a chance here. Him or death.
Urgo: No, I—
Col. O'Neill: Death or him.
Urgo: Oh dear.
Col. O'Neill: Well?
Urgo: I'm thinking.

Urgo: I didn't mean to!
Col. O'Neill, Dr. Jackson and Major Carter: He didn't mean to!
Teal'c: It was not his intention.

Maj. Carter: The probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere. Temperature 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Barometric pressure is normal.
Dr. Jackson: No obvious signs of civilization.
Maj. Carter: P4X-884 looks like an untouched paradise, sir.
Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Col. O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Dr.Jackson: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Col. O'Neill: Never run with…scissors?

Col. O'Neill: Mmmm, mineral survey. My favorite.
Gen. Hammond: Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

Col. O'Neill: Au revoir, mon General.
Teal'c: I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. Ciao…means adios, auf Wiedersehen, sayonara, which all loosely translated means…
[They enter the Stargate, only to emerge in the SGC again]
Col. O'Neill: Goodbye?
Hammond: What happened?
O'Neill: What happened?
Hammond: That's what I just asked you. Will someone please tell me what's going on?
Sam: General...we just left.
Hammond: You've been gone over 15 hours.

Urgo: Whats this?
Sam: Its a defibrillator.
[Janet looks over at the defibrillator]
Urgo: Ah interesting. Thank you. Is it difibulating right now?
Sam: He...uh...it seems to crave new experiences. You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to peoples hearts who are beating irregularly.
Urgo: Ah. Then they feel better. Does it feel good?
[Sam shakes head "no"]
Urgo: Does it hurt?
[Sam shakes head "yes"]
Urgo: Whoa, it hurts.
Daniel: I would think so.
Urgo: Let's try it.
Daniel: I don't think so.
Urgo: It's not going to kill you, is it? Or is it?

A Hundred Days [3.17][edit]

Maj. Carter: I'll make some more observations tonight, Sir.
Dr. Jackson: I'm gonna check the…geological record in the morning.
Col. O'Neill: I'll…make a wish.

Shades of Grey [3.18][edit]

[The Tollans have just left the SGC Conference Room to retrive their stolen Technology]
Col. O'Neill: Well, look who's here. Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff?
[shouting after the Tollans] It'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal!

Gen. Hammond: How's the retirement going?
Col. O'Neill: Uh, great. I retire, I wake up, I retire… It's a living. [pause] I'm bored out of my skull, sir.

Col. O'Neill: I do appreciate that you were the one to come and see if I was okay. That... that means something.
Dr. Jackson: Ah... actually, no, it doesn't.
Col. O'Neill: No?
Dr. Jackson: Um... we, ah, we drew straws.
[Jackson, Carter, and Teal'c all look at one another uncomfotably]
Dr. Jackson: I lost.

Dr. Jackson: Kind of crossing the line…
Col. O'Neill: Shut up Daniel.

Gen. Hammond: Colonel, you don't seem to understand how serious this matter is. You and your team have committed a court-martiable offense.
Col. O'Neill: To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal'c…well he really didn't say anything but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow… [he demonstrates, raising his eyebrow]

New Ground [3.19][edit]

Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods.
Col. O'Neill: I have no friends. In the woods or otherwise.

[Rigar is questioning SG-1 about how they got to his planet.]
Rigar: "Wormholes"?
Col. O'Neill: Giant worms. Huge.

Col. O'Neill: Hey, Rigar, you know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

Rigar: And how is this illusion of water created that I have heard described.
Dr. Jackson: Well you're right in that it is an illusion. It's not actually water.
Rigar: Then what is it?
Col. O'Neill: Magic.

Maternal Instinct [3.20][edit]

Teal'c: Apophis must have transported off of Sokar's ship before it exploded.
Col. O'Neill: Son of a bitch! Somebody's got to teach that guy how to die.

Dr. Jackson: The monk is someone who has taken up curatorship.
Col. O'Neill: Kind of janitor?
Dr. Jackson: More of a guide.
Col. O'Neill: An usher?

Dr. Jackson: Is there a child in here?
Monk:There is a child in all of us.

Col. O'Neill: If we happen to make it out of here in one piece, remind me to harm Daniel severely.

[The team arrives at Kheb's temple]
Col. O'Neill: Well, someone's been reading Martha Stewart.

Monk: I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
Col. O'Neill: What?
Dr. Jackson: Jack.
Col. O'Neill: No, I…you know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted.
Dr. Jackson: [to the monk] Sorry, don't worry about him.
Monk: The sun is warm, the wind is wild, the grass is green along the shores. Here no bull can hide.
Col. O'Neill: [to himself] I don't know about that.
Dr. Jackson: Jack, he's speaking in Zen Koans. Whatever theology he follows may be an original basis for Buddhism on Earth.
Col. O'Neill: Well that's very nice. I'll be sure to call the Dalai Lama when we get home.

Monk: Those who seek one-ness, find all that they seek.
Dr. Jackson: I think this is gonna take a while.
Col. O'Neill: Really? What gives you that idea?

Monk: When the mind is enlightened, the spirit is freed, the body matters not.

Dr. Jackson: Oma? What does that mean?
Monk: Words cannot express things, speech cannot convey the spirit. Swayed by words, one is lost.

Monk: Why do you seek this child of flesh and bones?
Dr. Jackson: He is the son of my wife.
Monk: But not your son.
Dr. Jackson: No. But my wife is dead now and I promised her I would make sure the boy is safe.
Monk: And you are sure he will be safe with you?
Dr. Jackson: Yes. Absolutely.
Monk: Because it is so clear, it takes a longer time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago.

Bra'tac: I am not yet ready to give up. I feel alive Teal'c, like a young man…of eighty. We still have false gods to slay.

Monk: You hate the Goua'uld?
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Monk: Your hate will lead to the child's death.

Crystal Skull [3.21][edit]

Maj. Carter: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you.
Col. O'Neill: No matter how dense?

Col. O'Neill: Hey. If you'd been listening, you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything. Everything.

[O'Neill is in the infirmary, recovering from lepton radiation sickness, while Dr. Rothman studies the crystal skull.]
Teal'c: Dr Rothman is now studying it.
Col. O'Neill: Rothman couldn't figure out an ashtray. The guy we need working on that skull is Daniel.
Teal'c: It is he whom we endeavor to locate, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: Look, I'm sick of laying around. Help me up.
Teal'c: Dr. Frasier believes you are not strong enough to undertake such a mission.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, whatever.
[He tries to get up but only succeeds in rolling off the bed and onto the floor, where he lands with a 'thud'.]
Teal'c: [Looking down at O'Neill] Dr. Frasier is usually correct in such matters.
[He bends down and hauls O'Neill back onto the bed, leaving him face down.]
Col. O'Neill: [muffled] Thank you.
Teal'c: You are welcome, O'Neill.

[Concerning the crystal skull]
Dr. Rothman: Teleportation device? What do you think?
Sgt. Siler: I think you're gonna get fired.

Dr. Jackson: You can see me?
Nick Ballard: Yes, Daniel, I can see you.
Dr. Jackson: [exasperated] Why didn't you say something?!
Nick Ballard: You're not real, so it doesn't mean anything.
Dr. Jackson: No, no, I'm real! You're not hallucinating.
Nick Ballard: Hallucinations always say that.

[Dr. Jackson is invisible to everyone except Nick]
Nick Ballard: Forgive me, he is here. Daniel is here.
Dr. Jackson: Repeat what I'm saying; I'm standing right beside you.
Nick Ballard: Standing right beside me.
Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] He's lost a few pounds.
Dr. Jackson: Jack, don't be an ass.
Nick Ballard: Jack, don't be an ass.
[O'Neill looks shocked]
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?

Nick Ballard: Now we must wait for the giant aliens.
Col. O'Neill: That just has a nice ring to it.

Nemesis [3.22][edit]

Dr. Jackson: You know, it's funny. I mean, after everything we've been through these past few years... and, of all things, it's my appendix that lays me out.

Col. O'Neill: [to Carter] You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought when one got some leave time, one actually left. Daniel's recuperating, Teal'C's off visiting his kid somewhere... Personally, I have a date with a lake in Minnesota where the bass grow that big. [Opens his arms wide]
Maj. Carter: [Sarcastically] Really?!
Jack O'Neill: Oh, Yes! What I'm describing here, Carter, involves a very important element...
Maj. Carter: This IS fun to me, Sir.
Jack O'Neill: Well, if, playing with your little reactor sounds better than exploring the lakes and natural beauty of Northern Minnesota, there's not much I can do.
Maj. Carter: Was that an invitation... Sir?
Jack O'Neill: There's nothing wrong with that is there? [She shakes her head, then looks down to his chest, then back up to his eyes] Couple of Co-workers, friends if you will, fishing. It'd be fun.
Maj. Carter: [Smiles] Wow! [Blushing] I appreciate the offer, Sir, really! Sounds great! But I should..
Jack O'Neill: [Cutting her off] No sweat! See you in a week. And by all means, have fun! [He leaves, Sam considers the naquadah reactor]
Maj. Carter: [Running after O'Neill in the hallway] Colonel! [He turns] Uh... [He cocks his head, and raises his eyebrows] [Sam looses her smile] Have a good time!
Jack O'Neill: Land of sky-blue waters, loofas, [Sam smiles real pretty here] ya sure ya betcha', snookums, mosquitoes --- [He disappears in a white light]
[Sam looks astonished and hits a nearby base alarm button.]
[Cut to a shot of an Asgard ship in orbit over the Earth, we see a white light streaking toward the ship from the planet]
[Cut to interior of the Asgard ship. O'Neill appears in a flash of white light]
Jack O'Neill: ...Home of the loon. [A confused look crosses his face, he looks around] Thor? [Long pause as O'Neill looks around] Helloo?

[Teal'c enters the airlock and the door closes]
Col. O'Neill: Say something.
Teal'c: One small step for Jaffa.
Col. O'Neill: Very nice.

Season 4[edit]

Small Victories [4.1][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Where's the fanfare, General?
Maj. Carter: We did kind of save the planet, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Again. This should not get old, General.
Gen. Hammond: Job well done.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you, sir. It was nothing.

Col. O'Neill: I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
Gen. Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: [to Jackson, quietly] Bad?
Dr. Jackson: I wasn't going to say anything.

Teal'c: The replicators are impervious to Goa'uld technology. They are, however, susceptible to human projectile weaponry. [Davis looks towards Jack confused]
Col. O'Neill: Guns.

Maj. Carter: Sir, if there are still a small enough number of replicators on board, a properly equipped team could possibly…
Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] Save the world?
Maj. Carter: Getting old for you, sir?

Dr. Jackson: [to Thor] Wait a minute, you're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?
Col. O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.
Gen. Hammond: Thor, with all due respect to your situation we need SG-1 here.
Maj. Carter: I could go, sir.
Col. O'Neill: I don't know, Carter. You may not be dumb enough.
Maj. Carter: I think I can handle it

Maj. Carter: Have fun.
Col. O'Neill: Yasureyabetcha...

Maj. Carter: We did it!
Thor: It was your stupid idea.

Thor: [referring to the Asgard form of food] I like the yellow ones.
Maj. Carter: [eating one of the yellow pieces, then recoiling in disgust] Oh, my God! [Glances over at Thor] Sorry.

Maj. Carter: [referring to the Replicators] We kicked their asses!
Col. O'Neill: They had asses?

Maj. Carter: The Asgard had this big new ship. The O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: [Smiles excitedly] Oh yeah?
Maj. Carter: But, we had to blow it up.
Col. O'Neill: [disappointed] Oh.

The Other Side [4.2][edit]

Maj. Carter: Sir, this is the fifth incoming wormhole in the last hour and a half.
Col. O'Neill: Okay, I'm here two hours early. When did you get in?
Maj. Carter: Actually, sir, I never left.
Col. O'Neill: Didn't I order you to get a life?

Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] You've got that look.
Teal'c: To which look are you referring, O'Neill?
Dr. Jackson: The one that says, "I have misgivings about this mission but deep down I know we're doing the right thing"?
Col. O'Neill: No, the other one.
Dr. Jackson: Oh.

Col. O'Neill: Next time I tell you to shut up...!
Dr. Jackson: I didn't hear you tell me to shut up.
Col. O'Neill: Too subtle for ya?
Dr. Jackson: Well, for once, yes. Would you hear me out?
Col. O'Neill: Carter, our standing orders, what are they?
Maj. Carter: To seek new allies and procure technologies to aid in the defense against the Goa'uld.
Col. O'Neill: And have we carried out those orders?
Dr. Jackson: We came here to help them!
Teal'c: Is that not what we are doing, Daniel Jackson?
Dr. Jackson: No. Their whole world is in flames and we are offering them gasoline. How is that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] Thank you!
Dr. Jackson: I was speaking metaphorically.
Col. O'Neill: Well, stop it! It's not fair to Teal'c.

Col. O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Col. O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.

Upgrades [4.3][edit]

Anise: You may call me Anise.
Dr. Jackson: Anise?
Anise: It means "Noble Strength".
Dr. Jackson: I'm Daniel. It means, uh, "God is my judge".
Col. O'Neill: I'm Jack. It means... What's in the box?

Anise: Your strength is five times that of a normal human.
Col. O'Neill: So, no increase then.

Dr. Jackson: I mean, it's just the most unbelievable, incredible thing I've ever experienced! I mean, I've cross-referenced the symbols on the armband against every written language on Earth in an hour!
Anise: What did you find?
Dr. Jackson: Well, nothing… but, you see, the point is… I can read really fast!

Waitress: What can I get you?
Col. O'Neill: Uh, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and a baked potato.
Waitress: You got it! [She starts to walk off.]
Col. O'Neill: Excuse me… that was for me!
[The waitress looks skeptical]
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'm going to have three as well.
Col. O'Neill: Four?
Dr. Jackson: Four… Four is good.
Maj. Carter: Me too, and french fries with mine… oh and a diet soda!
[O'Neill and Jackson look at her questionigly]
Maj. Carter: [defensively] I like the taste better!

[SG-1 are at a local steakhouse, despite having been ordered to stay on base]
Maj. Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?
Dr. Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.
Maj. Carter: Yes, but that was to save Earth.
Col. O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Col. O'Neill: Well, this is a cliché.

Gen. Hammond: I thought the devices were supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid.

Gen. Hammond: The report said there was a brawl!
Col. O'Neill: More of a scuffle, sir.
Gen. Hammond: You're lucky you didn't kill any of those men!
Col. O'Neill: No, we were very careful about that, General.

Col. O'Neill: Should have brought more snacks.

Col. O'Neill: Just remember, I retired. You wanted me back.

Col. O'Neill: General, sir, about the obviously impending court martials...
Gen. Hammond: You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.
Col. O'Neill: Even so, I'm sorry.
Maj. Carter: Me too.
Dr. Jackson: Me three.
[pause, Teal'c glances at the others]
Teal'c: [smugly] I have no need to apologize.
Gen. Hammond: Teal'c was actually following orders.
Col. O'Neill: Of course he was.

Crossroads [4.4][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Well, I guess now we can go back and tell General Hammond that the Tok'ra boned us again!

[Stargate is engaged offworld and Bra'tac's IDC is received. Instead of Bra'tac a young woman steps out of the Stargate]
Col. O'Neill: Bra'tac... you've done something with your hair!

Teal'c: O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: Master Teal'c.
Teal'c: I am in need of your assistance.
Col. O'Neill: I'm here to serve!

Dr. Jackson: Egeria, Roman goddess of fountains.
Col. O'Neill: Fountains?
Dr. Jackson: Also childbirth.
Col. O'Neill: How do those two go together?
Dr. Jackson: It doesn't matter. She was also adviser to Numa Pompilius, a legendary ruler.
Anise: Correct, Dr Jackson. Egeria came to the Tau'ri to stop the Goa'uld from taking humans through the Stargate as slaves. Ra found her and killed her, but not before she had spawned our movement.
Maj. Carter: Literally?
Anise: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: Thanks for the image.

Col. O'Neill: You know this whole talking to two people in one body thing really sucks

[Teal'c has just explained how he is going to stop his heart to communicate with his symbiote]
Col. O'Neill: Is it dangerous?
Dr. Jackson: Jack, he's stopping his heart.
Col. O'Neill: I mean for us!

Divide and Conquer [4.5][edit]

Freya: Anise, my symbiote, is far more interested in Dr. Jackson on an intellectual level, but she would have to suffer.
Col. O'Neill: Look, there are so many reasons this is wrong... and weird... and wrong? Did I mention wrong?
Freya: Is it because I share my body with Anise?
Col. O'Neill: For starters.
Freya: Do you not find me attractive?
Col. O'Neill: Oh, you're...

Col. O'Neill: She made a pass at me
Dr. Jackson: [confused] Sam?
Col. O'Neill: Anise, Freya, one of them.
Dr. Jackson: Really?
Col. O'Neill: The host half.
Dr. Jackson: Uh, that's odd.
Col. O'Neill: You're tellin' me. Odd timing, too, don't ya think?
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: Apparently, the snake likes you.
Dr. Jackson: Really? [watches as O'Neill plays with a yo-yo] You know, I think these are the Jack O'Neill moments I'll probably miss the most.
Col. O'Neill: What?
Dr. Jackson: What?

Col. O'Neill: I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter.
Anise: Why?
Col. O'Neill: Because I care about her. A lot more than I'm supposed to.

Col. O'Neill: That's when your genius armbands stopped working.

Window of Opportunity [4.6][edit]

[O'Neill and Teal'c are wrestling with an alien archaeologist near a control system for an ancient device which he has activated. There is a blinding flash, and we suddenly cut to a shot of O'Neill in the mess hall, holding a spoonful of froot loops. He looks astonished. Slight pause, then cut to a shot of Jackson. He is gesticulating with a fork that has a piece of waffle on the end of it]
Dr. Jackson: ...Anyway, that's just how I feel about it. [pause] What do you think? [he looks expectantly at O'Neill]
[O'Neill looks confused]
Col. O'Neill: What?
Dr. Jackson: ...What do you think?
Col. O'Neill: About what?
Maj. Carter: Something wrong, sir?
[O'Neill looks around, disoriented]
Col. O'Neill: ...Maybe. [Opening titles roll]
Col. O'Neill: ...Weren't we just somewhere else?
Dr. Jackson: Where?
Col. O'Neill: Some planet.
Dr. Jackson: When?
Col. O'Neill: Just now.
Dr. Jackson: No.
Col. O'Neill: Sure?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah.
[O'Neill looks around, confused]
Col. O'Neill: ...Everything just changed.

Col. O'Neill: We've done this!
Dr. Jackson: We do this every day.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not talking about briefings in general, Daniel, I'm talking about this briefing; I'm talking about this day.
Teal'c: Col. O'Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
Dr. Jackson: Since when?
Col. O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.
Maj. Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.
Col. O'Neill: Yes we have. [points at Dr. Jackson] No, we haven't. That's what you were going to say.
Dr. Jackson: Of course that's what I was going to say.
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Okay, bad example. Look, you'll all believe me when SG-12 comes through that gate in [he looks at his watch, ticking off seconds] four...three...two...
[he silently ticks off the final second, and when he reaches zero, he makes a flourishing gesture toward the gate room. Cut to a shot of Carter, looking confused, then to a shot of the unactivated gate, then back to O'Neill. He frowns and begins to tap his watch doubtfully]
Gen. Hammond: [calmly] SG-12 isn't due back for three days.
[alarms go off]
Technician: [over loudspeaker] Unscheduled off-world activation!
Col. O'Neill: [under his breath] So close.

[O'Neill correctly sums up what Carter was about to say]
Col O'Neill: Now, how did I know you were going to say that?
Maj. Carter: Maybe you read my report?
Dr. Jackson: [more than a little skeptically] Maybe he read your report? [he narrows his eyes and raises his eyebrows questioningly at Carter]

Col. O'Neill: Look, General, if it were just me, I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man!?
[pause, shot of Teal'c looking askance at O'Neill in a vaguely insane way, cut back to O'Neill]
Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

Col. O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
Dr. Jackson: Uh, I do.
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

[O'Neill and Teal'c have just successfully convinced Hammond, Carter, and Daniel that they're trapped in a time loop]
Col. O'Neill: Look, I don't know why none of you remember any of this, but I do know for a fact that there's no point in having ol' Doc Frasier examine us again.
[shot of Carter, looking amazed. Pause, then shot of Jackson and Hammond, looking amazed. Pause, then shot of O'Neill looking vaguely hopeful, then cut to...]
[shot from O'Neill's POV- Dr. Frasier is shining a penlight in his eye]
Col. O'Neill: [with obviously forced patience] I ask you: What could possibly be in my eye that could explain this?!
[shot of Teal'c. A nurse puts a thermometer in his mouth. He glances at her, then sighs, looking resigned]

Teal'c: O'Neill, should we not be assisting Daniel Jackson with the translation?
Col. O'Neill: I'm taking this loop off.
[Col. O'Neill starts squirting mustard and ketchup onto an empty plate.]
Col. O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm going to lose it.
[Teal'c raises an eyebrow.]
Col. O'Neill: Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. [from this point on, he becomes increasingly agitated] Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal... [by now, O'Neill is ranting. He holds up his plate, which now has a crazed mustard-and-ketchup smiley face on it] WACKO!

Col. O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop, Daniel asks me a question…and I wasn't listening the first time.
Teal'c: You are not the only one who must experience some discomfort, O'Neill.
[The loop resets to the beginning. Cut to corridor, we see Teal'c get slammed in the face by a door being opened.]
Man: I'm sorry, sir, I didn't see you there.
Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions.
Man: I -- I -- what?
Teal'c: Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.
[In a later loop.]
Man: I'm sorry, sir, I ... whoa!
[Teal'c slams the door on the man and walks away with a smirk.]



Dr. Jackson: So, how many loops have you-have we-been through?
O'Neill: Uhhh...I've lost track.
Dr. Jackson: Wow, that's gotta be frustrating...
O'Neill: [as though Daniel has just stated the very obvious] Uhh...yeah.
Dr. Jackson: Still, it seems like sort of an opportunity.
O'Neill: [In a mildly patronizing tone] ...How's that?
Dr. Jackson: Well, if you know everything's going to go back to the way it was, then you could do anything... [shot of realization dawning on Teal'c] ...for as long as you want... [shot of realization dawning on O'Neill] ...without having to worry about consequences.
[Shots of O'Neill and Teal'c looking at each other, as the full implications of what Daniel has said sink in]
O'Neill: ...Excuse me. [Gets up and leaves]
[Teal'c puts down the chalk he's been using to write on the blackboard, bows slightly at Daniel, and exits]
[A montage of Teal'c and O'Neill goofing off follows:]

[Shot of O'Neill trying to make a pot on a pottery wheel. He fails and looks at the collapsed pot with disappointment.]

[Shot of an officer in one of the corridors of the SGC. We hear a bicycle bell ring. The officer steps back quickly to reveal O'Neill riding a bicycle towards the camera.]
Col. O'Neill: [As he rides past] Hey, Vern. How's the wife?
Officer: [confused] Uh...fine, sir...

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are standing on a patch of astroturf in front of the activated Stargate in full golf clothing, holding drivers. Teal'c shoots a golf ball into the gate.]
Col. O'Neill: [appreciatively] Oh yeah! That'll play...How far is Alaris, anyway?
Teal'c: [As he tees up a ball for O'Neill to shoot] Several billion miles, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
[O'Neill shoots a ball into the gate.]

[Shot of O'Neill successfully making a pot on the pottery wheel.]

[O'Neill is once again standing in front of the activated gate in full golf clothing. He begins his swing to shoot the ball into the gate...]
Gen. Hammond: [off, over the speaker] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?!
Col. O'Neill: [turns to face the control room, which is behind and above the camera, shouts and gesticulates, frustrated] In the middle of my backswing?!

[Shot of Teal'c getting slammed in the face by the door again. He slams the door shut on the man who opened it and smirks.]

[O'Neill enters the control room in civilian clothing]
Col. O'Neill: George. [He hands Gen. Hammond a sheet of paper, pulls up his sleeve and examines his wristwatch]
Gen. Hammond: Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?
Col. O'Neill: Handing you my resignation.
Maj. Carter: [shocked] Resigning? What for?
Col. O'Neill: [looking at his watch and obviously measuring his words to coincide with the end of the time loop] So I can do...this. [He kisses Carter deeply just before the loop repeats]

[O'Neill is in the mess, sitting with Daniel and Carter. He is eating oatmeal with obvious relish]
Dr. Jackson: I don't think I've ever seen anyone enjoy oatmeal so much.
Col. O'Neill: When you've been eating Froot Loops for who knows how long, a little variety helps.
Maj. Carter: We got a message from the Tok'ra. Apparently they've been trying to contact us for over three months.
Col. O'Neill: Really?
Maj. Carter: Who knows when they first realized we were cut off? I mean, there's really no telling how much time passed.
Dr. Jackson: Let me ask you something. In all the time you were…looping, were you ever tempted to…do something crazy? I mean, you could do anything without worrying about consequences.
Col. O'Neill: You know, it's funny, you've asked me that before. [looks at Carter]
Dr. Jackson: [Looks at Carter and smiles, then looks back at O'Neill] ...And?
[O'Neill just looks at Carter, smiles, and takes a bite of oatmeal. Fade to credits.]

Col. O'Neill: You know what they say, General. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try again.

Watergate [4.7][edit]

Col. O'Neill: How do you know that?
Dr. Markov: I have read extensive files on each of you.
Col. O'Neill: How?
Dr. Markov: I learned to read English when I was six. It was not difficult.
Col. O'Neill: …Russian humor.

Col. O'Neill: If I say "What?" and you say "It's classified," I'm gonna shoot you.

Dr. Markov: If you're implying that everything Russian-made is of poor quality, the sub is Swiss.
Dr. Jackson: So it occasionally catches fire but keeps perfect time? [pause] Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.
...
Dr. Markov: The gauge must be malfunctioning.
Dr. Jackson: But it's Swiss.

Col. O'Neill: [upon seeing the frozen Maybourne] Holy frozen bad guy!

Teal'c: Do not humans usually die when they are frozen?
Col. O'Neill: Usually.
[The frozen Mayborne breathes out]
Col. O'Neill: They usually don't breathe when they're dead either.

Dr. Jackson: Can we stop agreeing on how we're going to die and start doing something about it?

[About parachuting from a plane]
Teal'c: This does not seem wise, O'Neill!
Col. O'Neill: I said it was easy, not wise.

[O'Neill is standing with others in front of the Stargate that the Russians have been experimenting with, and the gate begins to activate.]
Col. O'Neill: I think we should...
[the gate is about to open]
Col. O'Neill: DUCK!
[gate opens overhead]

The First Ones [4.8][edit]

[Chaka, a juvenile Unas, has captured an exhausted Dr. Jackson and is dragging him through the woods]
Dr. Jackson: Okay, I know it seems completely unlikely that you understand a word I'm saying but, uh, I've gone about as far as I can go at this particular pace, so, with your permission, I'm going to fall down now. [collapses]
Chaka: [glares]
Dr. Jackson: Rest! This is a thing you should, uh, become familiar with. Rest… It means, uh… "rest."
Chaka: [growls]
Dr. Jackson: That's close. Try again: "grrrrest."

Dr. Rothman: It's not my thing.
Col. O'Neill: What isn't?
Dr. Rothman: People. I mean, give me a million-year-old fossil and I'll tell you what it had for breakfast, but I'm not too good at people. They're too recent.

Dr. Jackson: This is nothing you should be worried about. It's just a radio. It's so that my friends can come find me… and shoot you.

[Teal'c has handcuffed O'Neill, along with the rest of the rescue team, believing that one of them may be a Goa'uld.]
Col. O'Neill: Okay, anyone with a snake in their head, raise their hand. [One of the marines that they're with snaps his handcuffs apart (raising his hand) as his eyes glow]
Col. O'Neill: Damn!

Teal'c: Trust in me, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: What if I'm not O'Neill?
Teal'c: Then I was not talking to you.

[an Unas alpha is approaching Jackson, clearly with the intent of attacking him. SG-1 raise their weapons]
Dr. Jackson: Kaa kedka! [he cowers somewhat; the Unas stops short, surprised that Jackson speaks his language]
Maj. Carter: What did you just say?
Dr. Jackson: I think I just asked him not to kill me.
Col. O'Neill: And they're buying that?
Dr. Jackson: [as the Unas alpha begins to growl] No, I don't think so.

[Chaka is trying to get Daniel to eat the head of a dismembered Goa'uld symbiote]
Chaka: Nan! [He tosses the head in Daniel's direction. It lands in the dirt near Daniel's feet]
Dr. Jackson: Ka. [He picks up the head and tosses it back]
Chaka: Nan. [He tosses the head back to Daniel. This back-and-forth head tossing continues throughout the following interchange, Chaka growing visibly amused throughout]
Dr. Jackson: Ka.
Chaka: Nan.
Dr. Jackson: Ka.
Chaka: Nan.
Dr. Jackson: Right. Uh, yes, uh, toss the symbiote head, that's very, very popular. Very, very interesting...Yes, all the kids are doing this...
[Dr. Jackson throws the symbiote head into the fire.]
Dr. Jackson: [With poorly-feigned disappointment] Oh! Look out... it's in the fire...

Col. O'Neill: Took you long enough!
Teal'c: You are welcome O'Neill.

Scorched Earth [4.9][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Hey, what have you got?
Maj. Carter: The analysis of the atmosphere in the wake of the ship shows a high incidence of Sulphur Dioxide.
Col. O'Neill: Chemical warfare?
Maj. Carter: I don’t think so sir. Take a look at this.
Col. O'Neill: Oh yeah! Little fuzzy orange things!
Maj. Carter: They're Microbes, sir...

Maj. Carter: The question is, will they listen?
Col. O'Neill: No, the real question is, will they have ears?

Beneath the Surface [4.10][edit]

Col. O'Neill: I remember something. There was a man. He's bald and wears a short-sleeve shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.

Col. O'Neill: I dreamed about mining...naked.

Point of No Return [4.11][edit]

Dr. Jackson: You know, I've never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have donuts or something?

Martin Lloyd: A top secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a Stargate!
Col. O'Neill: Sounds like a good idea for a TV show…if you're into that sort of thing.

Maj. Carter: Does anyone know what this meeting's about?
Dr. Jackson: No but I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P30-255.
Maj. Carter: I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3KA's sensors for long term reconnaissance on P5X-327.
Teal'c: I was unable to complete my Kel no'reem.
Col. O'Neill: [after a pause] I was just about to...do...something important.

Martin Lloyd: Colonel, let's not play games. If it isn't true then why did you come here?
Col. O'Neill: The truth! There is a top-secret government program called project Stargate.
Martin Lloyd: I knew it!
Col. O'Neill: But it has nothing to do with space travel.
Martin Lloyd: What does it have to do with?
Col. O'Neill: [conspiratorially] Magnets!
Martin Lloyd: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Col. O'Neill: [dramatically] No…I've already said too much!

Martin Lloyd: So, you still don't believe me? I'm an Alien!
Col. O'Neill: You look pretty human to me.

Martin Lloyd: I can't explain it Colonel, I just have a gut feeling, like we have something in common.
Col. O'Neill: Well, that's very flattering, but I'm not an alien.

Dr. Jackson: Something tells me we don't need to worry about this guy.
Maj. Carter: Except for the fact he happens to be very close to the truth.

Dr. Jackson: Oh, Hello! Sam, you're gonna wanna…take a look this!
Maj. Carter: Whoa, that's quite a collection! Tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. Looks like our friend here has been treated for a number of different psychiatric problems.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, why doesn't that surprise me?

Col. O'Neill: How do ya lose a spaceship?
Martin Lloyd: Well, my memory isn't so good. Sometimes, I get a little confused. I think it might be the medication.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, there ya go.

Martin Lloyd: You don't understand!
Col. O'Neill: I get that a lot.

[Daniel reading Martin's diary]
"April 12: Someone has gone through my garbage. Suspect CIA. Must take precautions. May 2: Comb missing. Suspect CIA has stolen it to acquire genetic identification. Uh…June 26: Comb found behind dresser. Disposed of it in case of tampering, bought new comb 39 cents at shopmart."

Martin Lloyd: Don't ya wanna know how I found you?
Col. O'Neill: Uh… OK!
Martin Lloyd: In your car, I noticed a map of the Sleep-Rite Motel Chain. I checked every one in town.
Col. O'Neill: There's two!

Martin Lloyd: I'm surprised a man in your position wouldn't take more precautions to maintain your cover.
Col. O'Neill: Marty I'm not undercover!
Martin Lloyd: You think I'm making this all up. Look at this.
[Martin shows O'Neill a broken toothpick, O'Neill takes it and looks at it]
Col. O'Neill: Yes… It all makes sense now.

Martin Lloyd: You think I'm so stupid, I go out my own front door?

Martin Lloyd: Can I come out now, Murray?

Dr. Jackson: But… it doesn't look like anyone's place of work, there's… no one here.
Maj. Carter: Except for the guys with guns!

Man: OK. Let's keep this simple! Who are you?
Maj. Carter: Who are you?
Man: We're the guys with the guns, which means you answer our questions!

[Carter and Jackson are being interrogated by 3 aliens who are attempting to live on Earth incognito. They show Carter and Jackson a thermal scan of Teal'c which clearly shows his symbiote]
Dr. Jackson: Oh, that's very good! Did you draw that yourself?
Maj. Carter: What is it?
Dr. Jackson: That… That's a duck, isn't it?

Tangent [4.12][edit]

Major Davis: Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, allow me to introduce Lieutenant General Vidrine.
General Vidrine: Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: General.
General Vidrine: Major.
Maj. Carter: General.
General Vidrine: Doctor.
Dr. Jackson: General.
General Vidrine: General Hammond has told me nothing but good things.
Jack O'Neill: Has he, Sir? [Joking] Well, then I'm sure he's left something out.
General Vidrine: Such as?
[O'Neill's smile drops]
Jack O'Neill: [Into Radio] Teal'c? Ya there, buddy?

O'Neill: (out of it due to lack of oxygen) Jacob, you know your ship's bigger than ours?

General Vidrine: How does she fly, son?
Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
Jack O'Neill: Woohoo! [Vidrine and Hammond look at him, stunned] Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

General Vidrine: In all seriousness, if that's all right with you, Colonel? How effective can a single fighter be against a potential fleet of Goa'uld warships?
Teal'c: That is what these tests endeavour to determine.
General Vidrine: Let's find out. What's next?
Jack O'Neill: I take second seat for an air-to-air live fire test.
General Hammond: Our SGC control room will serve as Mission Control, Sir.
General Vidrine: Light that candle, boys.
Jack O'Neill: Yes, Sir.
[Teal'c and O'Neill head back to the glider.]
Teal'c: Does General Vidrine wish to perform some sort of candle-burning ritual?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, that's it, exactly.

[Jack O'Neill and Teal'c are in the X-301. The glider has been taken over by an auto-pilot mechanism.]
Major Davis: [Over the radio]: Jack or Teal'c, please respond.
Jack O'Neill: Flight, Digger One. We read you. We have lost control of the craft to some sort of hidden recall device that apparently the scum-sucking, slimy, snake-ass Apophis installed in his death gliders. Over.

Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]: Maktal shree! Loktak mekta satak...Oz!
Goa'uld (presumably Heru-ur): Maktal Oz?
Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]: Maktal Oz, kree!
Goa'uld: Kaltak shree, tal manak!
Jacob: Alright, we're almost finished, Sam's just finishing up.
Dr. Jackson: Uh...that's good 'cause I don't think they bought my act.
Jacob: Why? Who'd you say you were?
Dr. Jackson: The uh...Great and Powerful Oz.
Jacob:...SAM!

Dr. Jackson: We were hoping you could kinda... um, like... beam them out.
Jacob: Beam them out? What am I, Scotty?

The Curse [4.13][edit]

Teal'c: We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

Col. O'Neill: Just so we're clear on this, sir, it's gonna be me, Teal'c and the great outdoors. That means no cellphones, fax machines, not another living soul for miles. We'll be unavailable, inaccessible.
Gen. Hammond: Incommunicado.
Col. O'Neill: Minnesota, sir.
Gen. Hammond: I stand corrected.
Col. O'Neill: If there's an emergency at the base, better plan ahead and tell me now. If Thor needs me, he's gonna have to beam me up. If it's the Tok'ra... forget it!

Teal'c: There appears to be no fish in this pond O'Neill
Col. O'Neill: T... It's not about the fish themselves...the fish are not important in this context. It's about fishing... the act of.

The Serpent's Venom [4.14][edit]

Selmak: One enemy is easier to target than many. Our spies believe that Apophis has agreed to the meeting because he is willing to use such an alliance to topple the system lords. Afterwards, he will deal with Heru-Ur. If he succeeds...
Col. O'Neill: Galactic badness! Huge!

Col. O'Neill: Ah! Wait a minute! Just... stop, hold it. If you're about to say you're gonna explain along the way , I'm gonna lose it! I've just about had it with the way the Tok'ra do business. I wanna know EXACTLY what we're dealing with here. Every mission detail you've got right now, or we go nowhere!
Jacob Carter: [Smiling] I was gonna tell ya, Jack.
Col. O'Neill: [Quietly] Ok. Never mind.

Jacob Carter: Obviously, I'm gonna need Dr. Jackson, and there might be some complicated mathematical calculations to be done, Sam would be a big help, too. [Jack clears his throat] Of course, Colonel O'Neill is --- always fun to have around.

Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically, picking up books Jackson dropped] Sure you got everything?
Dr. Jackson: Wanna try to reprogram that mine without the proper translation?
Col. O'Neill: Thought of a laptop?
Dr. Jackson: Well, I had one, I just couldn't get Beck's Ancient Phoenician Symbology on CD at archeology.com, so…
Col. O'Neill: [pushes Jackson's glasses back up his nose]

[Jackson and Carter are reading Jackson's books while O'Neill plays with his watch]
Col. O'Neill: Do you understand any of that?
Maj. Carter: It's all Phoenician to me, Sir.

Maj. Carter: Looks like a circle with a cross in it.
Dr. Jackson: Uh, that could be it.
Maj. Carter: Okay, what do I do?
Jacob: Pretty sure you touch it.
Col. O'Neill: Pretty sure???
Jacob: Last time a Tok'ra was sent to attempt this we never heard from him again.
Col. O'Neill: Well that's news!
[Carter stares at her father, seemingly a bit scared]
Dr. Jackson: No, I think that's it.
Maj. Carter: You THINK?
Dr. Jackson: Okay I'm... I'm sure that's it.
[Carter moves carefully, preparing to touch the symbol on the mine]
Dr. Jackson: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!
[Carter flinches back, startled]
Col. O'Neill: HEY!
Dr. Jackson: No, no, sorry. Uh, that's it, I'm sure.

[Carter and Jackson are trying to reprogram a mine]
Maj. Carter: Uh, it's flashing green. Green is good?
Dr. Jackson: No.
Maj. Carter: Bad?
Dr. Jackson: Bad.
Maj. Carter: How bad?
Dr. Jackson: Very, very bad.
Maj. Carter: DAD!

[Carter and Jackson are trying to deactivate the mine from exploding in the Cargo ship]
Jacob: Try!
Maj. Carter: What does Selmak say?
Jacob: Try again!
[Jackson stares at Jacob, blinking]
Dr. Jackson: Very helpful, thanks!

Chain Reaction [4.15][edit]

Teal'c: On Chulak, when a great warrior retires from the field of battle it is custom to sing a song of lament. [Hammond looks at him expectantly] Fortunately, we are not on Chulak.

[O'Neill has accompanied Maybourne to his safe house, where Maybourne has just opened the refrigerator to reveal that it is basically empty]
Col. O'Neill: I see you're on that famous Beer and Mustard Diet. How's that working out for ya?

Maj. Carter: So what do we know about this new guy?
Col. O'Neill: Not much.
Dr. Jackson: I hope he's not a spit-and-polish, brass tacks...
Col. O'Neill:[Interrupts him] Hard-ass?
Dr. Jackson: I was building up to that
A few moments later after Major General Bauer has delivered a very terse introduction of himself to the SGC Personnel
Col. O'Neill: Always leave 'em wanting more... I guess.

Col. O'Neill: May I remind you that if it weren't for SG-1, you'd be sitting here with a snake in your head instead of your head up your ass.

Col. O'Neill: [to Mrs. Kinsey] Afternoon ma'am. I'm Mr. Starsky and this is… Hutch (referring to Maybourne).

Col. O'Neill: I'm not leaving until I get what I came for.
Sen. Kinsey: Oh, and what are you going to do?
Col. O'Neill: Well, I was thinkin'... [he draws his sidearm and points it at Kinsey] ...about shootin' ya.
Maybourne: Jack. What are you doing?
Col. O'Neill: Gettin' a little dirty for ya Maybourne?
Sen. Kinsey: Colonel, have you completely taken leave of your senses?
Col. O'Neill: I've been hanging around Maybourne. What does that say?
Sen. Kinsey: How dare you come into my house waving a gun!
Col. O'Neill: Not waving! Pointing! Sit down.

Col. O'Neill: I'll give you a choice. White meat, or dark meat

Jack: [after entering Maybourne's apartment, which is almost completely empty] Have ya heard of IKEA?

Sen. Kinsey: Given the chance, half of all American citizens won't even vote, and the half that do vote are too stupid to know what they're doing.
Col. O'Neill: Which explains how you got elected.

2010 [4.16][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Uh... the sun's beeping.

[Teal'c and another Jaffa are attempting to pass through a security checkpoint, but the guard tells them to hand over their staff weapons]
Teal'c: We carry these for ceremonial purposes only.
Guard: I'm sorry, but you'll have to let me have it.
Teal'c: Very well. [shoots the guard]

Maj. Carter: So this is the place you kept threatening to take me. It's good to see you, sir.
Col. O'Neill: I'm retired, Carter. Lose the "sir".

Maj. Carter: It turns out we made a mistake. A big one.
Col. O'Neill: Which one? We made a few.
Maj. Carter: Our alliance with the Aschen.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, that. Not working out, is it? Gosh, I wish I'd seen that coming. Oh, wait…I did see that coming.

Col. O'Neill: Well let me tell you something, Carter you want to erase your mistakes, that's your business. My conscience is clear. I warned everybody. I threw up the red flag and everyone, including you, shut me down.
Maj. Carter: I'm asking you to put that behind us...
Col. O'Neill: You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that... Personally, I like things the way they are. No more saving the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog...(beat) There're a lot of pros and cons to consider...

[Sgt. Harriman leaves the briefing room, pretending he didn't see SG-1 planning there]
Maj. Carter: Thank you.
Dr. Jackson: Thank you.
Sgt. Harriman: Thursday!

Absolute Power [4.17][edit]

[Daniel Jackson introduces Gen. Hammond to Shifu, the Harcesis child]
Gen. Hammond: Welcome to Earth.
Shifu: A spark lights a flame, but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.
Col. O'Neill: If I may, sir. I think what he means is the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensibly a great leader, like yourself, is essential to the... whole ball of wax. Basically, what it means is that it's always better to have a big, long wick. Right?
Dr. Jackson: Don't look at me.
Col. O'Neill: It's right, though? Right?

Maj. Carter: Sir, we've received word from the Tok'ra.
Col. O'Neill:[annoyed] Did we really have to call them?

Shifu: If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour.
Dr. Jackson: The music does not play the musician.
Shifu: Normally there is truth in that.
Dr. Jackson: Really? Good. Cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

Dr. Jackson: Something on your mind?
Col. O'Neill: Your behavior, as a matter of fact.
Dr. Jackson: What about it?
Col. O'Neill: Well, for starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?
Dr. Jackson: Actually, the Pentagon.

Shifu: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Dr. Jackson: Oma teach you that?
Shifu: Television.
Dr. Jackson: Glad I've been such a positive influence.

Shifu: Oma teaches the true nature of man is decided in the battle between the conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious, Oma teaches the evil of my subconscious is too strong to resist. The only way to win is to deny it battle.

[Jack is coming to visit Samantha in the jail]
Maj. Carter: I have talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my e-mails, even my letters.
Col. O'Neill: Because they think you're nuts.

The Light [4.18][edit]

Maj. Carter: What are we looking for?
Col. O'Neill: The 'off' switch.

Dr. Jackson: What is wrong with this thing? This thing isn't working.
Col. O'Neill: Did you check the batteries?

Daniel: From what I've been able to translate so far with Loren's help, the Goa'uld used to use this place as some sort of, opium den. The only difference is their symbiotes must have kept the host's mind chemically balanced once they left.
Teal'c: Then it is most likely I will be able to leave this planet.
Col. O'Neill: Oh how nice for you.

Col. O'Neill: [enters Loran's room] Nice digs. Kind of reminds me of my first apartment. How are the people upstairs?

Col. O'Neill: How long were we standing here?
Daniel: I'm not sure. Long enough to figure out how to translate the writings on this thing, so...
Col. O'Neill: That long?
Daniel: Yeah, well, perception of time is one of the first things to go when you're... high.

Teal'c: [Holding up a toy gun] Children of the Tau'ri are also fond of colorful weapons that do not function.

Maj. Carter: Be a good excuse for you.
Col. O'Neill: Huh?
Maj. Carter: To do nothing for a while.
Col. O'Neill: What?
Maj. Carter: Forget it.
Col. O'Neill: That would be forget it SIR.
Maj. Carter: Oh please, you think I'm keeping that up if we're stuck here forever?
Col. O'Neill: Listen Major.
Maj. Carter: No way.
Col. O'Neill: That's no way COLONEL.
Maj. Carter: I'm supposed to accept that. That's the way it's gonna be?
Col. O'Neill: That's the way it is.
Maj. Carter: What difference does it make. It's not up to you.
Col. O'Neill: Carter! You're in withdrawal.
Maj. Carter: Oh I'm in withdrawal?
Col. O'Neill: Yes. So am I.

Prodigy [4.19][edit]

Teal'c: Are you ready, O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: No. Give me a warning.
Teal'c: I am going to shoot you.
Col. O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "on three." One—
[Teal'c shoots O'Neill with a Zat'nik'tel. O'Neill falls to the floor]
Col. O'Neill: [in pain] Two!...God, I said on three. God.

[O'Neill enters General Hammond's office. Hammond is having a discussion with General Michael E. Ryan.]
Col. O'Neill: I'd like to talk to you about this mission upon which we're about to embark. It seems... a bit ridiculous, doesn't it?
[General Hammond does not respond. After a short pause, O'Neill turns to General Ryan]
Col. O'Neill: So what brings you to our little secret base, sir?
Gen. Ryan: That would be the ridiculous mission you just mentioned.
[Slight pause, O'Neill looks uncomfortable]
Col. O'Neill: The General Ryan?
Gen. Ryan : I've read a lot about you Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: [tentatively] Yes, Sir?
Gen. Ryan : Thus far we like your work.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you Sir! I like yours. Your Air Force. The Air Force. I love the Air Force...
Gen. Hammond: Anything else, Colonel?
Col. O'Neill: No, sir. Well, actually, I'd like to know how Daniel and Carter got out of this...very important mission.

Hamilton: Colonel O'Neill doesn't have a clue what we're trying to accomplish here, he's too busy polishing his M16.
Col. O'Neill: Actually, it's a P90.

Hamilton: When I agreed to this assignment I was under the impression that I was going to be in charge.
Col. O'Neill: You are in charge. Of the other scientists.

Maj. Carter: What were you thinking, breaking the nose of an upperclassman like that?
Cadet Hailey: Aim high?

[Carter and Hailey come through the Stargate as O'Neill greets them]
Maj. Carter: Sir, I'd like you to meet Cadet Hailey.
Col. O'Neill: Cadet. Welcome to 862. How was your trip?
Cadet Hailey: [in shock] It was a...a trip, sir.
Col. O'Neill: It always is.

Cadet Hailey: I've been going over Dr. Thompson's astronomical observations. Did you know this moon wasn't even formed from the original accretion disk of the planet?
Col. O'Neill: No, but I suspected.

Jack O'Neill: As soon as I get the Gate open, head straight for it. Don't bring anything with you.
Dr. Hamilton: Oh no we can't leave behind weeks of research.
Jack O'Neill: Carter, if he so much as brings a file folder, shoot him!
Maj. Carter: Yes Sir.

Entity [4.20][edit]

Col. O'Neill: [To Teal'c] You look tense.
Dr. Jackson: No, I'd say anxious.
Teal'c: I am neither tense nor anxious. Perhaps concerned.

Gen. Hammond: What's it doing? [About the MALP]
Maj. Carter: Flying, sir.
Col. O'Neill: MALPs can't fly.
Dr. Jackson: Apparently they can.
Col. O'Neill: Shouldn't there be a memo on this stuff?

Dr. Jackson: They may be trying to communicate.
Col. O'Neill: They?
Dr. Jackson: Well, whoever they are.
Col. O'Neill: Exactly.
Dr. Jackson: What?

Col. O'Neill: For the record Sir, I want to blow it to hell, these folks wanna chat with it.

Col. O'Neill: Any idea what that was?
Maj. Carter: None, Sir. The secondary systems are up and running but that was one hell of an EM spike. I'd like to run a full systems diagnostic on the main computer.
Dr. Fraiser: Yeah, after I treat this hand.
Maj. Carter: As soon as I get the systems up…
Dr. Fraiser: It is a very bad burn, Sam.
Maj. Carter: Five minutes.
Dr. Fraiser: Now!
Col. O'Neill: Do as the Doctor says.
Maj. Carter: Yes, Sir.
Dr. Fraiser: Thank you Colonel. You, Daniel and Teal'c are next.
Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson: What? We're…I'm fine.
Dr. Fraiser: Yeah well I would like to be the judge of that. Some form of energy came through the Stargate. I think it's only prudent to make sure there are no physiological effects to those exposed. ASAP.
Col. O'Neill: Who put her in charge?
Gen. Hammond: The US Air Force.
Teal'c: In medical matters, Dr. Fraiser may overrule those of any rank.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not getting all my memos.

Gen. Hammond: Teal'c, do you recognize any of this?
Teal'c: I do not, General Hammond.
Gen. Hammond: Daniel?
Daniel: I don't recognize it either
Col. O'Neill: Nope, neither do I. [Everyone looks at him] I'm just sayin'.

Col. O'Neill: [About the real time transmission by the alien lifeform on the screen] Do I look fat?

Col. O'Neill: [To the security camera controlled by the alien] Come here often?

Col. O'Neill: [O'Neill is moving in front of the camera, the camera is following his moves] I think it likes me.

Siler: Stand by for a base wide systems power down. Powering down.
Col. O'Neill: [everything shuts down and the camera stops following O'Neill] Hey!

Col. O'Neill: Carter! Emergency lighting?
Maj. Carter: In the MALP room, yes, sir, a small power usage anomaly. General Hammond said we should check it out before we resume normal operations.
Col. O'Neill: Forget to change a light bulb, Siler?
Siler: Not my job, sir. Yes sir, light bulb, very amusing.

Dr. Jackson: It's obviously fighting to survive.
Col. O'Neill: So do bacteria.
Maj. Carter: It's trying to communicate.
Col. O'Neill: So do bact…

[Hammond walks in and sees the Entity's construction]
Gen. Hammond: What in God's name?!
Col. O'Neill: Well, General, whatever got into our computers apparently has built a nest.

Double Jeopardy [4.21][edit]

Maj. Carter: What's wrong Harlan?
Harlan: Oh please yes, it is a very big emergency. You must help... you.

Gen. Hammond: Colonel O'Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.
Col. O'Neill: Yes sir.
Gen. Hammond: Then it would seem your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.

Jack O'Neill: Listen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry about what's happened here.
Clone O'Neill: Oh I'm sure that makes him feel better.
Jack O'Neill: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Clone O'Neill: Same thing you do. Only better.
Jack O'Neill: What does that mean?
Clone O'Neill: Better? It means bet-ter, stronger, faster.
Jack O'Neill: You're not me and you don't work for the Air Force.
Clone O'Neill: No. But that doesn't mean I can't do the job.
Jack O'Neill: What job?
Clone O'Neill: Explore the universe. Fight the Goa'uld.
Jack O'Neill: Oh what, like now?
Clone O'Neill: Oh you made this mess.
Jack O'Neill: What we did was help these people.
Clone O'Neill: Oh come on, I know you better than that. You screwed up and now you're embarrassed.
Jack O'Neill: ... well that's not the point.
Clone O'Neill: And like I'm gonna spend my eternity on that lame ass planet? Sheesh!
Jack O'Neill: You gave me your word!
Clone O'Neill: Oh! Is this the first time you've lied to yourself? I told you what you wanted to hear. Besides, what were you gonna do? Destroy me?
Jack O'Neill: I might have!
Clone O'Neill: Alright! Come on bring it on flyboy! Let's go! Come on!
Jack O'Neill: Oh you little... [Jack O'Neill and Clone O'Neill begin to fight/wrestle]
Maj. Carter: Sirs! [They stop fighting and look up] As much as I would like to see how this plays out, don't we have something more important to do?

Clone O'Neill: We're not done pal.
Jack O'Neill: I so own you.

Exodus [4.22][edit]

[SG-1 and Jacob/Selmak teleport with the ring transporter to the base of the Tok'ra, from a Ha'tak Mother ship they've just landed on the planet]
Col. O'Neill: Hey, kids. We're not parked in a red zone, are we?

[Jack, Sam, Daniel and Jacob walk into the Peltak. Jack spots the throne-line commander's chair in the middle of the room]
Col. O'Neill: Oooo! [Runs over and jumps into the chair. Has a giddy smile on his face] Shotgun!

Tanith: I must say, Colonel, I was most intrigued by your means of arrival.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, it's a sweet ride. A little rusty, but it's still got zip.
Tanith: How exactly did a Goa'uld mothership come into your possession?
Col. O'Neill: Well, it was kind of a trade deal.
Tanith: How so?
Col. O'Neill: Cronus gave us his ship... and he got what was coming to him.

Tanith: I do not understand. Why have I been excluded from such important information?
Teal'c: The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed.

[Some Tok'ra are transporting a stash]
Jacob: Take that to the secondary cargo hold. We need to make room for the Stargate.
Col. O'Neill: Hey! Don't scuff the walls.

Col. O'Neill: I want the ship back the way we found it.
Jacob: We know, Jack. I still don't think it's necessary for you to be here.
Col. O'Neill: Sorry. Not lettin' her out of my sight.
Jacob: My mission is to oversee the relocation of the Tok'ra base. What's yours again?
Col. O'Neill: Protect Earth's big, fat asset. We've got 1 ,000 engineers and scientists just droolin' to go through this thing.
Jacob: You really think that's wise?
Col. O'Neill: Don't start with me, Jake.
Jacob: Remember when you tried to retrofit a death glider?
Col. O'Neill: Yes, I have that memory.
Jacob: This is vastly more complicated.
Col. O'Neill: Which is exactly why we're "loaning" it to you in exchange for flying lessons.
Jacob: You know what I mean. Leave the ship with us.
Col. O'Neill: Not a chance.
Jacob: You have no idea how dangerous this thing is.
Col. O'Neill: Hey! We were smart enough to steal it in the first place, which is more than the Tok'ra could do.

[The Tok'ra base is under attack]
Col. O'Neill: This is so the last time I help someone move.

[about Tanith]
Col. O'Neill: That guy is a living cliché.

Maj. Carter: This is the sun Vorash is orbiting.
Jacob: We want to blow it up.
Col. O'Neill: Wow...
Dr. Jackson: That's uh...
O'Neill and Jackson: Ambitious.

[Carter is about to throw the Stargate from the Ha'tak to the sun]
[Maj. Carter exhales]
Col. O'Neill: Something wrong?
Maj. Carter: No. I've just never blown up a star before.
Col. O'Neill: Well, they say the first one's always the hardest.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I think we have a problem here. I figured that flashing wasn't good news, and the fact that in Goa'uld it says, "Warning! Warning!"

Teal'c: The propulsion system and communication array have been damaged beyond repair.
Col. O'Neill: Ah that's good because according to my calculations we are roughly in the middle of…nowhere. Give or take.

Col. O'Neill: [Over the radio] Mayday, mayday. We are so goin' in!


Season 5[edit]

Enemies [5.1][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Can we communicate with them?
Jacob: And say what?
Dr. Jackson: I don't know, "don't shoot"?

Col. O'Neill: I'm enjoying their style. Shoot first, send flowers later. It works.

Col. O'Neill: Excuse me. I distinctly remember someone saying we're not going to make it. I think we made it.
Jacob: I'm sorry, I overreacted. At the time, it looked very much like we weren't going to make it.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, well, maybe next time you'll just wait and see.
Jacob: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?
Col. O'Neill: What?
Maj. Carter: [grinning] Welcome to my life.

Dr. Jackson: Teal'c, you don't really believe you're still First Prime of Apophis.
Teal'c: I have never ceased to be in the service of my god.
Col O'Neill: All right, that's sounding a little brainwashy. You don't believe that guy's a god any more than I do.
[Teal'c is silent]
Col. O'Neill: What's that supposed to mean?

Maj. Carter: [in reference to a door she is trying to unlock] Sir, I really hate to sound negative, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that without a little more insight into how these things actually work, I’ve got pretty much zero chance of hitting... [door slides open] Okay, maybe not zero.

Col. O'Neill: Come on, Teal'c. A part of you has to know the truth.
Teal'c: The truth is you are a prisoner of Apophis. When the symbiote I carry matures, you will become its host.
Col O'Neill: Okay, I meant the other truth.

Ren Au: The Tok'ra are officially considering Selmac a fallen war hero.
Gen. Hammond: You'll forgive me for holding out hope a little longer. SG-1 has a surprisingly good habit of beating the odds.


Threshold [5.2][edit]

Gen. Hammond: Please explain to me what it is you hope to achieve by depriving Teal'c of his symbiote?
Bra'tac: I hope to save him.
Dr. Jackson: By killing him?
Bra'tac: If necessary.
Col. O'Neill: See, I think we disagree on the meaning of the word "save".

Bra'tac: And where is your false god now, Teal'c?
Teal'c: He will come.
Col. O'Neill: I don't think so buddy. I know we've been over this a few times, but in case you weren't listening, I am one hundred percent s-sure...
[Col. O'Neill trades glances with Maj. Carter and Dr. Jackson, both of whom appear skeptical]
Col. O'Neill: Ninety nine percent sure Apophis is dead.

Teal'c: Va'lar!
Col. O'Neill: "Va'lar?" Is that what he said?
Dr. Jackson: I thought he said "velour."
Col. O'Neill: "Velour?"
Dr. Jackson: "Velour."
Col. O'Neill: The fabric?
Dr. Jackson: That's what I heard him say.
Col. O'Neill: Why would he say that?
Dr. Jackson: I don't know. Why would he say "Va'lar"?

[Teal'c is speaking about his friend Va'lar]
Teal'c: He failed his god!
Col. O'Neill: His god? You mean that scumsuckin', overdressed, boombox-voice snake-in-the-head? Latest on our long list of dead bad guys?
Dr. Fraiser: Colonel, his heart rate just doubled.
Teal'c: Ha'shak!
Col. O'Neill:[to Daniel] That I understood.

[Teal'c is remembering an argument he once had with his wife]
Teal'c: Do not test my temper, woman!
Dr. Jackson: [startled] Woman? Did he just call me a woman?
Col. O'Neill: Yes, I believe he did.

Maj. Carter: So, is it working? Has he said anything?
Col. O'Neill: Talked about fabric, briefly.
Dr. Jackson: He just called me a woman.
Col. O'Neill: So I think it's working.

Ascension [5.3][edit]

Col. O'Neill: How long?
Dr. Jackson: Uh, well days, weeks, months, maybe…of meticulous, tedious... boring tediousness.
[O'Neill walks off]
Dr. Jackson: But uh, I can just keep working now. By lunch at least.

Maj. Carter: Tense? Me? I'm not tense. Am I? [pause, then, with a worried look, sotto voce] When did you first notice?
Col. O'Neill: [pointedly] As we met.
Maj. Carter: I've always just thought of myself as being very ... [Makes a quoting motion] focused.
Col. O'Neill: It's called working too hard ... you're gonna crash and burn.
Maj. Carter: [Thinks] I really don't have that much more to do ... Sir.
Col. O'Neill: Well, find something. Take up ... golf. [Walking away] Fly a kite ... knit something.
Maj. Carter: [Slightly pissed expression] I...I'm...fine!...Really!

Col. O'Neill: Uh ...[Turns] I could hang out for a while?
Maj. Carter: [smiles] So far he's only shown himself to me.
Col. O'Neill: Maybe he's shy.
Maj. Carter: [Smiling and nodding] Please don't say "Take it easy."
Col. O'Neill: [Goes to leave] Take care? [Maj. Carter smiles]

Col. O'Neill: We brought dinner and a movie.
Teal'c: [holding up a video tape, enthusiastically] Star Wars!
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c's seen it what, eight times?
Teal'c: Nine.
Col. O'Neill: Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be OK.
Maj. Carter: You've never seen Star Wars?
Col. O'Neill: Well, you know me and sci-fi...

Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-O.
Col. O'Neill: [Tossing Teal'c his cell phone] Call Daniel.

Maj. Carter: I was just wondering how far you'd got on the 636 translation.
Dr. Jackson: Oh yes, I'm almost done. It miraculously seems to hold the key to all the mysteries of the universe.
Maj. Carter: You just got there, you haven't started, and I should leave you alone.

[Orlin presents Maj. Carter with a very large emerald]
Maj. Carter: You made it?
Orlin: You wouldn't believe the things you can make from the common, simple items lying around your planet... which reminds me, you're going to need a new microwave.

[Maj. Carter sees Orlin has constructed a miniature Stargate in her basement]
Maj. Carter: You've been busy.
Orlin: I didn't think they'd let me go back to Velona through their Stargate.
Maj. Carter: So you built one?
Orlin: Sort of. This will not dial multiple addresses, it will only create a wormhole once and probably burn out.
Maj. Carter: And you ordered the materials on-line?
Orlin: Mostly. Sorry but you're going to have a pretty big credit card bill this month. Oh, and you're going to need a new toaster.

Col. Simmons: Need I remind you, Dr Jackson, of the dangers that we're trying to defend Earth against?
Dr. Jackson: Oh, could you? Go slow.

Teal'c: Do you believe Major Carter has become mentally unstable?
Col. O'Neill: No more than the rest of us.

The Fifth Man [5.4][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Oh, no, I mean, I get it. I mean we obviously have Lt. Tyler issues. I say he exists. You say he doesn't.
Col. Simmons: This is not just about Lt. Tyler.
Dr. Jackson:Someone else doesn't exist?

Col. O'Neill: You know what the Goa'uld really want from us? Minnesota, that's what. For the fishing, mostly.

Teal'c: If I were still loyal to the Goa'uld you would know it.
Col. Simmons: Really?
Teal'c: It would be immediately apparent, as I would not hesitate to kill you where you sit.

Col. O'Neill: Hey, where's Tyler?
Dr. Jackson: You know, I would've asked him, but I was too busy being unconscious after he shot me with that zat you gave him, so…

Col. O'Neill: Well I wasn't going to let you die Lieutenant. It's like…a ton of paperwork.
Lt. Tyler: [Confused] Paperwork?
Col. O'Neill: It's a joke. My way of deflecting attention from my own obvious heroism. You'll get used to it.

Lt. Tyler: Why did you return for me? You could have escaped while I distracted them!
Col. O'Neill: Because we don't leave our people behind!
Lt. Tyler: But I am not one of your people!
Col. O'Neill: Coulda fooled me... Actually, you did fool me.

Red Sky [5.5][edit]

Maj. Carter: Sir, I've been thinking.
Col. O'Neill: I'd be shocked if you ever stopped, Carter.

Col. O'Neill: Carter? What just happened? (She looks up at the sky, confused)
Elrad: The Eye of Odin grows dim.
Maj Carter: Some sort of shift in the light frequency.
Col. O'Neill: Good. I thought I was having a stroke.

Col. O'Neill: I have great confidence in you, Carter. Go on back to the SGC and… confuse Hammond.

Col. O'Neill: However, we do have a smaaall little problem that could use some of that Asgard magic.
Freyr: Are you implying that our technology is some kind of trickery?
[long pause]
Col. O'Neill: You're sure Thor's not around somewhere?

Col. O'Neill: Is it obvious only to me that these people don't want help?

Gen. Hammond: [referring to Carter's plan] I thought the odds of success in this scenario were one in a million, Major.
Maj. Carter: Yes, sir. But I now think that we can increase that estimate to one percent.
Col. O'Neill: It's your call, General. I only understand only one percent of what she says half the time.

[Carter explains a plan to Gen. Hammond and Col. O'Neill to save K'Tau]
Col. O'Neill: I thought when something was in a wormhole, it existed only as energy,that you needed another Stargate to turn it back into solid matter.
Maj. Carter: Actually, you're absolutely correct, sir.
[O'Neill stares at Carter and says nothing for few seconds]
Col. O'Neill: I am?
Maj. Carter: Yes.
[While Carter continues to explain, O'Neill turns back to Gen. Hammond and grins]

Teal'c: The K'Tau were not convinced?
Col. O'Neill: No. [to Jackson] Because you didn't say what needed to be said.
Dr. Jackson: Well, what would you have said?
[O'Neill walks away]
Dr. Jackson: [concerned] Wait, what are you going to say? [he hurries off after O'Neill]

Maj. Carter: Daniel and Teal'c?
Col. O'Neill: They're in the village. Still trying to convince the folks we're friendly elves.

[Col. O'Neill is addressing the Asgard High Council]
Col. O'Neill: We made a mistake, a big mistake. And we're very sorry. But we also saved your little grey butts from the replicators, and now we want your help. I'm not asking you to change the course of their cultural development. Just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won't tell.
Dr. Jackson: [aside to Carter] Little gray butts...
Maj. Carter: Yeah...
One of the Asgard High Council: Unfortunately, we cannot.
Col. O'Neill: OK. At the risk of sounding like the petulant inferior race... Why not?!

Rite of Passage [5.6][edit]

Cassandra: What do you see when you look at me now?
Maj. Carter: I see you. And until your head starts spinning around, and probably even then, I will still see…you.

Cassandra: Dominic's waiting.
Dr. Fraiser: Fine! Invite him in. I'm sure he'd like to have a piece of birthday cake that Sam went to all the trouble to bake.
Maj. Carter: [softly] Buy.
Dr. Fraiser: Bring.

Maj. Carter: Dominic awaits.
Cassandra: Stop it.
Maj. Carter: Oh come on, that last kiss was impressive.
Cassandra: Stop it!
Maj. Carter: [grinning] Lights exploded overhead!
Cassandra: [blushing and smiling] Stop it!

[SG-1 is going through Goa'uld equipment]
Col. O'Neill: What is this for?
Teal'c: What do you think it is for?
Col. O'Neill: Yikes.

Beast of Burden [5.7][edit]

[Jackson has just introduced himself and O'Neill as "traders"]
Col. O'Neill: Honesty, huh?
Dr. Jackson: [defensively] We're traders.
Col. O'Neill: [disbelieving] Yeah.
Dr. Jackson: We're traders, we've traded, we… trade…

Maj. Carter: Daniel, are you okay?
Dr. Jackson: Uh, I've been better.
Maj. Carter: Col. O'Neill?
Dr. Jackson: Uh, physically fine. But, uh, I'm not expecting a birthday present any time soon.

Burrock: Now I know for certain there is more out there.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, I know, the grass always looks cleaner.

Col. O'Neill: Where's Teal'c?
Maj. Carter: Trying to be popular.

Burrock: It is our custom to welcome travelers with a drink. Will you join us?
Col. O'Neill: It is our custom to drink... lead on!

The Tomb [5.8][edit]

[Dr. Jackson has just received a telephone call informing him that a Russian SG team will soon be arriving.]
Dr. Jackson: [to Maj. Carter and Col. O'Neill] The Russians are coming.

Maj. Vallarin: [In Russian] The greatest superpower on Earth, and they can't make a decent cup of coffee.

Maj. Carter: Are you saying he was eaten alive?
Dr. Jackson: The sarcophagus would have done its best to keep him alive, so...it probably would have taken a while.
Lt. Tolinev: My God.
Col. O'Neill: Okay. That is officially the worst way to go.

Maj. Vallarin: Wait here.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone, and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.

Between Two Fires [5.9][edit]

Maj. Carter: Narim, we understand why you're concerned, but those ion cannons could save Earth one day.
Dr. Jackson: You're just going to have to trust our people won't blow each other up with them.
Col. O'Neill: And if we do, we won't blame you. Promise.

Col. O'Neill: Do you people practice being vague?

[O'Neill and Jackson are standing outside Narim's house]
Col. O'Neill: How do you know this is Narim's house? They all look the same here.
[Narim answers the door]
Dr. Jackson: 'Cause that's Narim.
Col. O'Neill: You're good.

Gen Hammond:What you're sensing as trouble could be simple internal political wrangling.
Col. O'Neill: I understand that.
Gen. Hammond: Or we could be walking into a minefield.
[O'Neill stares at Hammond for a moment]
Col. O'Neill: Thank you, Sir. These little chats of ours always bring me...great joy and serve to ease my mind.

Gen Hammond: As far as what you told me, there seems to be an evil conspiracy among the Tollan Curia, whose apparent goal is to give us everything we ever wanted. That makes no sense.
Col. O'Neill: That's what I said.

Dr. Jackson: So, who are you taking orders from now?
Travell: Apparently, the one he serves has no name.
Tanith: Oh, he has a name. The likes of you are simply forbidden from knowing it.

2001 [5.10][edit]

Gen. Hammond: I take it your mission was successful?
Maj. Carter: In a word, sir: yes.
Col. O'Neill: In two words: yes, sir.

Col. O'Neill: They don't get excited in general, General. It's like an entire planet of accountants.

Col. O'Neill: Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore... turns out y'are.

Teal'c: Senator Kinsey appears to be most displeased. [Has a big smile on his face]
Col. O'Neill: [flatly] Yeah, that's a cryin' shame, innit?

Dr. Jackson: I just hope we don't regret giving them those Gate addresses.
Col. O'Neill: I don't think we will, the first one being a black hole and all. They get progressively darker after that.

Teal'c: Have you discovered something Daniel Jackson?
Dr. Jackson: Oh God, I hope not. Probably, though.

Desperate Measures [5.11][edit]

Col. O'Neill: How'd you find me?
Maybourne: Played a lot of hide and seek as a kid. Funny, I could always find anyone anywhere but they could never find me.
Col. O'Neill: Because they didn't want to.

Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Col. O'Neill: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.

Dr. Jackson: I said I think I just electrocuted myself. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Guard: No.
Dr. Jackson: [zats him] Something like that.

[Whilst wearing a bulletproof vest Jack gets shot in the arm]:
Col. O'Neill: I want sleeves on my vest.

Hobo: I'm just a crazy old guy with a shopping cart full of cans.
Col. O'Neill: I'm just a cynical Air Force guy with a closet full of National Geographic.
Hobo: Can I have them?

Wormhole X-Treme! [5.12][edit]

Colonel Danning: "As a matter of fact, it does say Colonel on my uniform."
[Ironic because it doesn't say Colonel on his uniform. The line may also be a response to O'Neill's rhetorical question from The First Commandment, where he asks "Does it say 'Colonel' anywhere on my uniform?" after Carter and Connor both refuse his orders.]

Martin Lloyd: This is for scene 23? You think they have apples on an alien planet?
Prop Master: Why not? They speak English.
Martin Lloyd: Look, get some kiwis, and spray-paint them red.
Prop Master: [pulls out script] Ok, so now it'll go "Nick walks into a garden of kiwi trees, says 'How like Eden this planet is,' and bites into a painted kiwi."
Martin Lloyd: Ok, you're the prop master, right? So you're a master of props. So...figure it out.
(possibly a reference to Beneath the Surface, an episode in which a character is seen eating red kiwis)

Dr. Levant: Dammit, just because they're aliens and their skulls are transparent, doesn't mean they don't have rights!

[Regarding an explosion]
Director: No, no, no, no, no, no. Bigger, much bigger.

[Regarding an explosion]
Director: No. Look at my lips. Big-ger.

[Regarding an explosion]
Director: Bigger! What is it about the word "bigger" that you don't understand?

Martin Lloyd: I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes, and if I'm not there on time, well... well, they start without me.

Director: "Aaaa-aaaa-aaaaand action!"

Yolanda Reese: Uh, I'm having trouble with scene 27. It says I'm out of phase, so I can pass my hand through solid matter, or walk through walls.
Director: Yeah, yeah, cos you're out of phase.
Martin Lloyd: Um, exactly.
Yolanda Reese: So, how come I don't fall through the floor?
[Long pause, with Director and Martin staring at each other]
Martin Lloyd: We'll have to get back to you on that.
[This is a reference to sci-fi "out of phase" episodes in general, and Season Three's "Crystal Skull" specifically, when an out-of-phase Jackson could walk through people and walls, yet was seen at one point sitting on a cabinet.]

Writer: We could always go back to the way it was in the script.
Director: No, we can't. We've already established that one shot stuns and two shots kills, and Victor shot everybody twice.
Martin Lloyd: So three shots disintegrates them!
Director: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. [walks away] [this is an obvious reference to the way Zat guns originally worked]
Martin Lloyd: [to writer] Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Why are you even on set? Go write something!

Carter: I don't know what happened, sir, we lost him. I mean, one minute he was here, the next minute he was gone.
O'Neill: Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.

Greenburg: [admiring a real space ship] Cool special effect.
Wright: I've seen better.
Greenburg: Ah, we'll fix it in post.
Wright: Yeah. So, you think we can get eighteen in?
Greenburg: Yeah, if we cut back on the Mulligans…You think that's funny?
Wright: Yeah, that's good enough for a walk away.
Greenburg: When's a good time to fade out?
Wright: Eh, right about…now.
[scene fades out]

[At the end of the show is a "behind the scenes look" at the creation of Wormhole X-Treme!]
Bocher: I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant, which is based on the character Daniel Jackson, portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader…in the feature film...Uh, are you okay?

[In the behind-the-scenes look]
Peter DeLuise: You realize this is not a real show.
Michael DeLuise: You saying Wormhole X-Treme isn't real? All this is...?
Peter DeLuise: It's not a real show. It's a fake show.
Michael DeLuise: Did my agent know about this?
Michael DeLuise: Am I getting paid real money?

Proving Ground [5.13][edit]

Maj. Carter: Uh, sir, if you don't mind, your wound is getting all over my lab.

[As part of a training scenario for new recruits, Jackson is occupying Hammond's office.]
Dr. Jackson: [sitting in Hammond's chair] Oh, I have to tell you, I like this scenario way better than the last one. Have you tried this chair? This is like…really comfortable. [pounds the chair's arm to prove it]

Col. O'Neill: [ominously] Have fun, Daniel.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, you did tell them to take me prisoner this time and not shoot me, right? Right? [no answer] Hello?

Col. O'Neill: [Gets up off the ground] So! We're all dead! And there's an armed Goa'uld on the loose... I got a problem with that. Anyone else got a problem with that?

Col. O'Neill: You hesitated Lieutenant.
Elliot: I was assessing the situation, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Okay, we all ended up dead. Assess that.
Elliot: I stopped to argue with Grogan and lost control of the situation.
Col. O'Neill: And that wasn't even your first mistake. (Jack points at Satterfield) What's your excuse?
Satterfield: I didn't believe Dr Jackson was a Goa'uld.
Maj. Carter: Why not, Satterfield?
Satterfield: I don't know, ma'am. That was just my instinct.
Haley: She thinks he's cute.
Col. O'Neill: Okay, so one of your team members distracted you into getting shot by the enemy and you want to poke holes in the training scenario?
Elliot: It wasn't a fair test.
Col. O'Neill: There's such a thing as over-thinking a situation, Lieutenant. When you're dealing with what we deal with, you've got to think on your feet and think fast. These and other cliches will be available to you all for one more day of training with me. After that, you'll either be assigned to an SG team or not. Dismissed.

Maj Carter: Grogan. He'll make a fine addition to an SG team one day.
Col. O'Neill: He'll make a fine target. He's good at getting shot.
Maj Carter: (laughs) Okay, Satterfield's bright.
Col. O'Neill: I give her high marks for her... high marks. I'd never go into combat with her.
Maj Carter: Then there's Haley...
Col. O'Neill: Oh yeah. Four foot nine fightin' machine.
Maj Carter: (laughs) Colonel...
Col. O'Neill: All right. Fine. They're the future of the Air Force, the program, the entire planet. God help us.
Maj Carter: Try to remember when you were in their shoes.
Col. O'Neill: I wore boots.
Maj Carter: Think back to when you were their age.
Col. O'Neill: I was never their age.

Maj Carter: They didn't take corridor C19 like you told them to.
Col. O'Neill: Crafty little buggers.

Lt. Grogan: We kicked ass!
Col. O'Neill: You got yourself shot again Grogan, don't be so cocky.

48 Hours [5.14][edit]

Col. Maybourne: Hi, Jack.
Col. O'Neill: You rat bastard!
Col. Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey... take it easy...
Col. O'Neill: I am so gonna kick your ass!
Col. Maybourne: There's people watching!
Col. O'Neill: I don't care!
Col. Maybourne: It wasn't me! I didn't shoot ya Jack!
Col. O'Neill: Then who did?!
Col. Maybourne: I don't know.
Col. O'Neill: What do you know?!
Col. Maybourne: Only what I read in the NID file, that you were shot and the Goa'uld escaped.
Col. O'Neill: You came all the way back to Colorado Springs to tell me ya didn't do it?
Col. Maybourne: I didn't think you'd believe me any other way.

Col. Maybourne: I'll be in town for a couple of days. I'd like to see how things turn out. I'm at the Accent Inn checked in under the name Cassidy.
Col. O'Neill: David or Shaun?
Col. Maybourne: Butch.

Col. O'Neill: What makes you think I care if you live or die?
Conrad/Goa'uld: What about the host?
Col. O'Neill: He tried to kill a friend of mine to save his own ass so I don't much care about him either.
Conrad/Goa'uld: If you kill me, Teal'c dies.
Col. O'Neill: Give me another choice.
Conrad/Goa'uld: Let me go. Once I am free, I will contact you with the information.
Col. O'Neill: I think Teal'c would rather I shoot you.

Maj. Carter: Is there any chance you can get the Russians to give us their DHD?
Dr. Jackson: Not without giving back Alaska.

Maj. Carter: That's how the Pentagon came up with the 48 hour limit, isn't it? You told them Teal'c would be dead.
Dr. McKay: That's why it's called a deadline.

Dr. McKay: I guess that we got off on the wrong foot.
Maj. Carter: What probability factor did you use figuring that out?

Dr. McKay: Wish I didn't find you so attractive. I always had a weakness for dumb blondes.
Maj. Carter: [referring to McKay's citrus allergy] Go suck a lemon.
Dr. McKay: Very sexy. Very, very sexy

[The Russian DHD explodes.]
Dr. Jackson: Wow. That never happened in the simulations.

Summit [5.15][edit]

Osiris: What are you proposing? An alliance?
Zipacna: No. But I am offering you a position of power in exchange for your support.
Osiris: [haughtily] Osiris serves no one. You least of all.
Zipacna: You once served Isis.
Osiris: [defensive] She was my queen. She served me.
Zipacna: Interesting. Interesting that you now choose a female host. A most attractive one at that.
Osiris: You waste my time.
Zipacna: You misunderstand. I am not asking you to serve me. I must admit that I am an emmisary for a much more powerful Goa'uld..one you once knew quite well.
Osiris: Of whom do you speak?
Zipacna: Anubis.

Col. O'Neill: It's always suicide mission this, save the planet that. No one ever just stops by to say "hi" any more.

Maj. Carter: You're talking about taking out the entire Goa'uld leadership?
Ren'au: We are.
Col. O'Neill: Welcome to the Dark Side.

Lt. Elliot: Maybe not sir, but I am looking forward to meeting the Tok'ra
Col. O'Neill: You'll get over it

Jacob: [to Jackson] Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting.
Maj. Carter: I thought you said he'd be going in as a slave?
Jacob: The System Lord Yu.
Maj. Carter: Little joke there.
Col. O'Neill: [sarcastic] Funny!

[Jacob is explaining how to use the Re'ol ring]
Jacob: Just don't jab yourself with it.
Dr. Jackson: Why?
Jacob: Actually I don't know exactly. That in itself should scare you.

Ren'au: I'm cutting power to the base. The energy signature would give away our position. Now they'll have to resort to random bombardment.
Col. O'Neill: Well, that's encouraging.

Ren'au: We will die before we give up our secrets.
Col. O'Neill: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does not include us dying.

Jacob: Daniel? How's it going?
Dr. Jackson: Oh, swell. It's kinda like Goa'uld Mardi Gras here.

Last Stand [5.16][edit]

Dr. Jackson: You'd think a race advanced enough to fly around in space ships would be smart enough to have seat belts, huh?
Jacob: We just prefer not to crash.

Selmak: If it really is Anubis...
Dr. Jackson: Then killing all the System Lords would just open the way for him to take over completely. You always said that a bunch of warring System Lords was better than one all powerful one, so...
Selmak: You do not understand how bad Anubis is. He was banished by the System Lords because his crimes were unspeakable, even to the Goa'uld.

[Carter is reprogramming a Tok'ra sensor]
Maj. Carter: That's it. I'm done.
Col. O'Neill: How do we know if its working?
Maj. Carter: Well, I guess we'll know if someone comes and rescues us.

Fail Safe [5.17][edit]

Maj. Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end-to-end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Col. O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Col. O'Neill: And when Earth gets hit by that rock and we're all wiped out, that's gonna be unfortunate too?
Freyr: Very.
[Cut to briefing room; Hammond and SG1 are sitting around the table.]
Col. O'Neill: ... and after that I kinda lost my temper.
Gen. Hammond: What exactly does that mean?
Dr. Jackson: Let's just say Jack made a reference to Freyr's mother.

Col. O'Neill: Ah, they'll fix it up.
Dr. Jackson: I'm confident.
Col. O'Neill: Me too.
Teal'c: As am I.

Maj. Carter: We're about ready to attempt an engine start, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah fine. Assume there isn't one what?
Maj. Carter: Recall device.
Col. O'Neill: The X301? That was you guys?
Webber: You have to admit it performed beautifully right up until the point you and Teal'c were sent into deep space.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah!

Maj. Carter: Well I'm just slightly concerned that if we push them too hard, and they burn out before we reach escape velocity that… we'll come crashing back to the planet.
Dr. Jackson: I'm confident.
Col. O'Neill: Me too.
Teal'c: As am I.

Col. O'Neill: Oh come on! We came, we saw, we planted a bomb, we had a little fun with a meteor shower, we went home. It's a great story! Isn't it?

Col. O'Neill: So, what happens when that bomb goes off?
Maj. Carter: Well, the explosion will be enhanced by the naqahdah, probably to the force of a small nova. This close to Earth, it would be enough to set the atmosphere on fire and boil the oceans.
Col. O'Neill: Okay, this was not in the movie.

[After discovering that every wire in their nuclear bomb is yellow, when they were expecting the one wire they need to defuse to be red]
Col. O'Neill: You know, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that this is a very poorly designed bomb, and I think we should say something to somebody about it when we get back.
Maj. Carter: I agree sir.

Maj. Carter: If it comes right down to it, we can detonate it right here. What's our position?
Dr. Jackson: Well, personally I'm against it. If you want to know where the ship is....

[The asteroid is speeding towards Earth]
Col. O'Neill [urging Maj. Carter]: Carter, I can see my house!

The Warrior [5.18][edit]

[Bra'tac and Teal'c have just finished making a recommendation to SG-1]
Col. O'Neill: Deliverance...Do you guys have any idea what happened to the guys in that movie?
Bra'tac: I do not.

K'tano: I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau'ri. Slayers of Ra, Hathor, Setesh, Heru'ur, Sokar, Cronus and Apophis.
Col. O'Neill: Well, somebody's been keeping score! Col. Jack O'Neill.
K'tano: A familiar name. Cursed by every Goa'uld. Imhotep himself declared your days were numbered.
Col. O'Neill: Well, that's fine. As long as it's a very big number.

Daniel: "Tek Ma Tae" is a greeting of respect.
Jack: (Shakes head) Ok
Daniel: I'm just saying.
Jack: I don't care.
Daniel: Okay.
Rak'nor: This is Samantha Carter, Daniel, and their leader Colonel O'Neill. Tek Ma Tae.
Jack: Back at ya.
Daniel: (Looks at Jack with triumph)
Rak'nor: Backacha.
(Jack and Daniel make funny faces)

O'Neill: This [holds up a staff weapon] is a weapon of terror. It's made to intimidate the enemy. This [holds up a P-90] is a weapon of war. It's made to kill the enemy.

K'tano: I see you are one who speaks your mind, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, which is why I don't say much.

Col. O'Neill: Well, they have no problem with dying. I do.
Dr. Jackson: You have a problem with dying, or that they have no problem with dying?
Col. O'Neill: Both...I think

[K'tano walks out amid a fire fight]
Col O'Neill: What are you doing?!
Rak'nor: He does not know fear!
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, he knows stupid!

K'tano: Beg for mercy.
Teal'c: I die free.
K'tano: (leaning down and whispering into Teal'c's ear) You die at the hands of your god, (Goa'uld voice) Imhotep!

Menace [5.19][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Now what?
Maj. Carter: I don't know. I mean the power cells should be fully charged. As far as I can tell there isn't an on switch. It's possible the power was depleted for too long.
[Jack looks at Daniel]
Col. O'Neill: Why don't you kiss her?

[Carter is inspecting an inert gynoid.]
Maj. Carter: There's a pulse.
Dr. Jackson: It has a heartbeat?
Col. O'Neill: It has a heart?

Dr. Jackson: I don't think she knows she's a robot.
Col. O'Neill: Okay, how is that possible?
Dr. Jackson: Well, the last time your consciousness was downloaded into an android, you didn't figure it out right away.

Dr. Jackson: She's kind of hard to pin down in a conversation, her attention wanders. It's like she has the mind of a child.
[Everyone stares at O'Neill, who is playing with a magnifying glass and making faces]
Col. O'Neill: What?

[Jackson is being treated for a concussion]
Dr. Jackson: I don't think she meant to hurt me. I just don't think she liked what I was saying.
Col. O'Neill: I don't like most of what you say. I try to resist the urge to shove you through a wall.

Soldier: Colonel, you said to look for anything uncharacteristic of the indigenous technology, right?
Col. O'Neill: I would never say anything like that.

[O'Neill has just shot Reese]
Dr. Jackson: You stupid sonovabitch.
Col. O'Neill: Hey. You're welcome.
Dr. Jackson: You didn't have to shoot her.
Col. O'Neill: Yes I did.
Dr. Jackson: She was shutting them down.
Col. O'Neill: I had no way of knowing that and neither did you.
Dr. Jackson: They didn't stop because you shot her. They stopped because she told them to.
Col. O'Neill: Carter said she was losing control. Now if just one of those damn things got out of this base, developed its own personality, we would be royally screwed.
Dr. Jackson: You just killed the only chance we'll ever have of stopping them.

The Sentinel [5.20][edit]

Grieves: I'll say this again: I don't like the thought of going into this unarmed.
Col. O'Neill: And…I don't care.
Kershaw: [sarcastically] I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Dr. Jackson: [holding up his knife, sarcastically] Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?

Dr. Jackson: Just out of curiosity, how many years did you take off their sentence if they managed to fix this?
Col. O'Neill: Actually, they'll get a few more years out of this.
Dr. Jackson: More?
Col. O'Neill: They were on death row.

Meridian [5.21][edit]

Col. O'Neill: [concerning Jonas] He was a nerd, sir. He and Daniel got along great.

Hammond: I will draft a letter to the Kelownan leader—
Col. O'Neill: General, you cannot capitulate to these people. They are lying bastards.

Col. O'Neill: I only agreed to bring that letter so I could see you.
Jonas: Why?
Col. O'Neill: Because Daniel is dying.
Jonas: And you're looking for someone to blame?
Col. O'Neill: I'm not gonna let you tarnish his name. See, I don't care what that stuff is worth, to anyone. My government will admit Daniel is guilty over my dead body.

Col. O'Neill: I'm really bad at this.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, you are.

Col. O'Neill: You're not gonna take the fall for this. I don't care what's at stake.
Dr. Jackson: Why do you care?
Col. O'Neill: Because, despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have... might have... uh, grown to admire you a little.... I think.
Dr. Jackson: [dryly] Now that's touching.
Col. O'Neill: [insistent] This will not be your last act on official record.

Maj. Carter: You have an effect on people, Daniel. The way you look at things, it changed me too. I see what really matters. I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel. I guess I hoped that you always knew.

Teal'c: If you are to die, Daniel Jackson, I wish you to know that I believe that the fight against the Goa'uld will have lost one of its greatest warriors. And I will have lost one of my greatest friends.

Jonas: No offense, I'm just more interested in what's out there, through the Stargate.
Dr. Jackson: Well, all I can say is, whatever problems there are between your planet's nations, they will seem insignificant when you do find out what's going on out there.

Oma: Because it is so clear it takes a long time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, yeah, a monk at Kheb said that to me. I didn't know what it meant then and I still don't know now.

Oma: The universe is vast, and we are so small. In the end, there is only one thing we can truly control.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, what's that?
Oma: Whether we are good, or evil.

Dr. Jackson: I'm gonna miss you guys.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, you too.
Dr. Jackson: Thank you. For everything.
Col. O'Neill: So, what? See you around?
Dr. Jackson: I don't know.
Col. O'Neill: Hey… where are you going?
Dr. Jackson: I don't know.

Revelations [5.22][edit]

Teal'c: Are you not all right, Major Carter?
Maj. Carter: I'm fine.
Teal'c: You continue to mourn the loss of Daniel Jackson.
Maj. Carter: Yeah, I do. Tell me I'm not the only one.
Teal'c: I will perform the proper rituals when the opportunity presents itself. Until that time, this mission must take priority.
Maj. Carter: [exasperated] Please, Teal'c. Don't give me that "way of the warrior" crap. I get enough of that from Col. O'Neill.
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson has ascended to a higher plane of existence. Many Jaffa have dedicated their lives to achieving such a goal.
Maj. Carter: [bitterly] So I'm supposed to celebrate?
Teal'c: It is a great accomplishment.
Maj. Carter: We were a team, Teal'c. No one can even begin to understand what we went through together, what we mean to each other. So maybe Daniel has achieved something of great cosmic significance, I don't know. And to be honest with you, right now, I don't really care. I'd rather have him back.
Teal'c: [with obvious emotion] As would I.

Heimdall: In fact, for nearly a thousand years, we have been physically incapable of achieving cell division through meiosis.
Col. O'Neill: Hmm?
Maj. Carter: Sexual reproduction, Sir.
Col. O'Neill: Ah. [To Heimdall, shocked] A thousand years?
Heimdall: It is not something we usually discuss with other races.
Col. O'Neill: This I understand.

Anubis: This device will be implanted into your brain. It will form a link between your mind and the ship's computer. Your knowledge will simply be downloaded. You will no doubt resist, and you will no doubt fail.
Thor: The Goa'uld possess no such technology.
Anubis: I think you will find many things have changed since my return.

Col. O'Neill: I can't believe they took my watch.

Teal'c: ...our chances of escape are negligible.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. All we've gotta do is bust out of here, take out every Jaffa between here and the pel'tak, commandeer the ship and fly on home. [makes little flying motion with his hand] Fly on home...
Teal'c: [raises eyebrow] I stand corrected.

Col. O'Neill: Okay, next time, I'm the hologram.

Osiris: [torturing Sam with a hand device] Once more: Where is Dr. Jackson?
Maj. Carter: He's dead.
Osiris: You're lying.
Maj. Carter: Go to hell.

[Teal'c and Col O'Neill are looking at a panel of control crystals]
Teal'c: Perhaps we should take them all.
Col. O'Neill: Here's a thought.
[O'Neill shoots the crystals with a staff weapon]


Season 6[edit]

Redemption Part 1 [6.1][edit]

Gen. Hammond: Col. Checkov feels that as a symbol of our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
Col. O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, Sir.
Gen. Hammond: [sternly] Colonel…
Col. O'Neill: [innocently] I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?
Gen. Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
Col. O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm still pretty sure I'll say, "Bite me."

Col. O'Neill: Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness.
Teal'c: Have you considered Jonas Quinn?
Col. O'Neill: Now I know you've been practicing, but I still can't tell… is that a joke?
Teal'c: He wishes to join the fight against the Goa'uld.
Col. O'Neill: He's an al --
Teal'c: [raises eyebrow]
Col. O'Neill: [embarrassed] -- lien.

Dr. McKay: Still sexy as ever I see.
Maj. Carter: What are you doing here?
Dr. McKay: Well, there is no point of building naquadah reactors for Russia if there isn't going to be a Russia, is there? The Pentagon thought you... might need some help.
Maj. Carter: Not from you.

Maj. Carter: Navigation?
Col. O'Neill: Check.
Maj. Carter: Oxygen pressure, temperature control?
Col. O'Neill: All Check.
Maj. Carter: Inertial dampeners?
Col. O'Neill: Cool! ...and check.
Maj. Carter: Engines?
Col. O'Neill: All check. Phasers?
Maj. Carter: (smiling) Sorry, sir.

Maj. Carter: Sir, the simulations we ran anticipated every conceivable scenario.
Col. O'Neill: You know, Carter, it's the inconceivable ones I'm concerned about.

Col. O'Neill: [while driving the X-302 onto the tarmac] Too bad we can't drive all the way to Abydos, this thing handles like a cadillac.

[Col. O'Neill finds Carter sitting in her lab]
Col. O'Neill: I thought you'd be down stairs working this thing out with all the other egg-heads.
[Carter gives O'Neill a look]
Col. O'Neill: Not that you're an egg-head. [Pauses] Ok, you are, actually, but in a good way.
Maj. Carter: I couldn't think down there. They all kept looking at me for the answer.
Col. O'Neill: Well, you do have a penchant for pulling brilliant ideas out of your butt.
[Carter gives O'Neill a look]
Col. O'Neill: Head! Out of your head.

Maj. Carter: You have a habit of seeing things... [Hesitates]...in their simplest form.
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: I'm gonna go eat some cake.
Maj. Carter: I think I'll join you.

[A hologram of Anubis appears in front of the Stargate]'
Anubis: I am Anubis.
Maj. Carter: [to O'Neill] It looks like a hologram projection, sir.
Anubis: Humans of the Tau'ri. Your end of days finally approaches. There will be no mercy.
Col. O'Neill: [to Maj. Carter] Oh, come on. Who talks like that?
Maj. Carter: Sir, this is Asgard technology. He must have downloaded it from Thor.
Anubis: You will bow to my awesome power. There is nothing that can stop the destruction I bring upon you. Prepare to meet your doom.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, please.

[About the failed mission with the X-302]
Maj. Carter: They're still analyzing the flight data recorder, but it looks like a 605-3 error.
Gen. Hammond: Forgive me?
Col. O'Neill: It's the one after 605-2, sir.

Redemption Part 2 [6.2][edit]

Dr. McKay: [about Anubis] Has a real flair for the dramatic, doesn't he? Very theatrical.
Maj. Carter: Yeah, pretty much all the Goa'uld are like that.
Dr. McKay: But, why wait? Why does this guy show up a day and a half after this all starts to do his whole "prepare to meet your doom" thing?
Maj. Carter: I don't know, maybe he wanted to make sure it was gonna work.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? "Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you!" And then the Gate shuts down. "Oops, sorry, never mind."
Maj. Carter: Yeah, well, that didn't happen, and we only have fifty-four hours left.

Maj. Carter: So, what? We call Anubis up and ask him to stop?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, "Hey, Anubis, this is your agent, you're playing it way over the top, can you get serious, please?"

Maj. Carter: For the record, I hate you.
Dr. McKay: Well, it can't get any worse, then, can it?
Maj. Carter: Oh, no I'm rapidly working up to despise.

Maj. Carter: (sarcastically) If I'm going to take credit for this, shouldn't the EM pulse generator be pointed at the Gate?

[McKay goes to visit Carter in the infirmary, as she recovers from electrical burns]
Dr. McKay: Hi.
Maj. Carter: Oh, man, and I was just starting to feel better.
Dr. McKay: [takes a deep breath, appearing to be relaxing] I always wanted to be a pianist.
Maj. Carter: [Thinking McKay said "penis"] Excuse me?
Dr. McKay: A concert pianist --- you know, a guy who plays the piano [he mimes playing the piano] in front of lots of people?
Maj. Carter: [Sam smiles] Right.
Dr. McKay: What did you think I said?
Maj. Carter: Never mind.
Dr. McKay: I had a not-so-comfortable childhood. My parents hated each other. Blamed me. Music was my salvation. It had this ... perfect order for me.
Maj. Carter: [smiles, patronizing] That's nice, really.
Dr. McKay: When I was 12, my teacher told me to quit. A fine clinical player, he said, but no sense of the art whatsoever.
Maj. Carter: Why are you telling me this?
Dr. McKay: I'm just ... trying to bond.
Maj. Carter: Why?
Dr. McKay: Hospital gowns turn me on. [He smiles] I turned to science because I thought it would be different than music, but it isn't. It's just the same, it's just as much of an art as anything else.
Maj. Carter: Look, it's not your fault that the EM pulse didn't work.
Dr. McKay: You're an artist, Major. Maybe the best I've ever seen. I'm just critical because I'm jealous.
Maj. Carter: I'm touched, really. I wish I had a brilliant plan to draw up for you.
Dr. McKay: And you're funny, too. Even electrocuted. I mean, I've ... I've got nothing.
Maj. Carter: You're creeping me out, McKay.

[McKay looks down into the gate room, where Jonas is staring at the gate]
Dr. McKay: What do you think the little alien guy's doing down there?
[Sam goes down to the gate room]
Maj. Carter: ...Jonas?
Jonas Quinn: I was just wondering...how did you get the gate in here?
Maj. Carter: Oh...well, this was originally a missile silo, so we just lowered it in from the surface with the crane.
Jonas Quinn: ...can it go up?

Maj. Carter: They're working on lightening the 302, but that's why you're going alone. Believe it or not, every pound counts.
Col. O'Neill: I shouldn't have had that cake.
Maj. Carter: I wish I could go with you Sir.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, I'm sure you do. [Stepping in the elevator] And I find that quite bizarre.

[Carter kisses McKay on the cheek]
Dr. McKay: [thrilled] That means you don't hate me.
Major Carter: Maybe. Too bad for you.
Dr. McKay: Why?
Major Carter: I was more attracted to you when I did.

[Hammond is packing up his office. O'Neill picks up a lamp.]
Col. O'Neill: You sure you want to take this with you, sir?
Gen. Hammond: We're closed for business. I was supposed to retire five years ago. We don't know how long it's going to be before we can re-establish the Stargate Program, if ever.
Col. O'Neill: Actually, I just meant, it says "Property of US Air Force" on it.

Descent [6.3][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Next time we crash our brand new mothership, what do you say we do it in the tropics?
Maj. Carter: Actually, sir, it wouldn't make a difference. At this depth, all water is ice cold.
Col. O'Neill: Shallower water, then…shallower.
Maj. Carter: Yes, sir. I'll keep that in mind.
Col. O'Neill: Or we could just not crash at all. It would be nice to keep our nice new mothership more than a couple of hours.
Maj. Carter: Yes sir.

[Col. O'Neill and Carter resurface after almost drowning]
Maj. Carter: [Speaking into her radio] Dad? We're alright.
Col. O'Neill: Tell him I take back everything I was thinking while I was underwater.

Col. O'Neill: Next mothership we keep, okay?

[O'Neill and Jonas have just escaped the mothership in a death glider. Jonas is smiling.]
Col. O'Neill: [suspiciously] Are you smiling?
Jonas: First time in a death glider.
Col. O'Neill: Oh! Well… [starts flying crazy]

Jacob Carter: You know, sometimes I get a little concerned that you're gonna get my favorite planet wiped out.
Col. O'Neill: Yes. What planet is that?

Jonas: Those of us not originally from the planet Earth...got to stick together, right?
Teal'c: Are you suggesting an alien conspiracy?
Jonas: No...oh...Of course, yes. I...I was warned about your occasional use of humor. It'...Got me!
[Teal'c stares at Jonas absolutely serious. Jonas frowns.]
Jonas: No conspiracy!

Teal'c: [into radio] The crew appears to have abandoned ship.
Gen. Hammond: That's good to hear. I don't mind telling you that we've been holding our breath down here.
Teal'c: That is most unwise.

Col. O'Neill: I have to go blow something up.

[After an explosion]
Maj. Davis: That was loud.
Col. O'Neill: What?

Frozen [6.4][edit]

Dr. Michaels: Hi. It's nice to finally meet you, Major.
Maj. Carter: You too. Dr. Michaels, this is Dr. Fraiser.
Dr. Michaels: Doctor.
Dr. Fraiser: Doctor.
Dr. Michaels: [also introducing] Uh…Drs. Woods and Osbourne.
Dr. Fraiser: Doctor.
Dr. Woods: Doctor.
Dr. Osbourne: Major.
Maj. Carter: Doctor.
Woods: Major.
Dr. Fraiser: Doctor.
Col. O'Neill: All right. That's enough.

Col. O'Neill: D'oh!
Teal'c: What is it O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons...
[Teal'c stares at O'Neill, seemingly not understanding]
Col. O'Neill: It's important to me!
[Teal'c leaves, apparently thinking O'Neill is nuts]

Dr. Michaels: That's impossible!
Maj. Carter: We've seen stranger.

Col. O'Neill: Listen. Could somebody bottom-line this for me?
Dr. Fraiser: Well, Sir, we could be looking at evidence that human beings evolved long before we thought they did.
Dr. Michaels: And maybe not even originally on this planet.
Col. O'Neill: Darwin would be crushed.

Nightwalkers [6.5][edit]

[Jonas is having a burger, fries, and milkshake for lunch. Sam arrives just in time to see him dunk a fry in the shake and eat it.]
Maj. Carter: Nice… lunch.
Jonas: Mmmm. I'm really starting to enjoy this "traditional American food".
Maj. Carter: We have another tradition. It's called "hardened arteries".

Jonas: Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here.
Maj. Carter: What are you talking about?
Jonas: Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders including my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep.

Abyss [6.6][edit]

Ba'al: Who are you?
Col. O'Neill: You go first.
Ba'al: [picking up a knife] You claim you do not know me?
Col. O'Neill: Well, take no offense there, Skippy, I'm sure you're a real hot, important Goa'uld, I've just always been kind of out of the loop with the snake thing.
Ba'al: I am Ba'al.
Col. O'Neill: That's it? Just "Ball"? As in "bocce"?
Ba'al: Do you not know the pain you will suffer for this impudence? [aims the knife at Jack]
Col. O'Neill: I don't know the meaning of the word. Seriously. "Impudence." What does that mean?

Dr. Jackson: Hi, Jack. [waves]
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: I leave and look at the mess you get yourself into.

Dr. Jackson: It's good to see you.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. You too. Shame you're a delusion.
Dr. Jackson: No, I'm here. I'm...really here.
Col O'Neill: Sure you are.
[O'Neill removes his shoe and tosses it at Jackson. The shoe passes right through him]
Dr. Jackson: Here in the sense that my consciousness is here, if not here in the full physical flesh and blood sense, which is really...neither...here nor there. The point is, you're not imagining this.
Col. O'Neill: I just tossed my shoe through you!

Dr. Jackson: I'm energy now…
Col. O'Neill: How's that workin' out for ya?
Dr. Jackson: Good, actually. Very…
Col. O'Neill: Good.
Dr. Jackson: Very good.

Col. O'Neill: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.
Dr. Jackson: I can't…
Col. O'Neill: Why not?
Dr. Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Col. O'Neill: You're interfering right now.
Dr. Jackson: No, I'm not.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, you are.
Dr. Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Col. O'Neill: So… you wanna be my Oma?
Dr. Jackson: You could put it that way. I mean, I wouldn't, but maybe that's just me.

Dr. Jackson: Jack, who are you talking to?
Col. O'Neill: The woman.
Dr. Jackson: [looks up] There's nobody there.
Col. O'Neill: Look who's talking.

Dr. Jackson: Come on, Jack. Y-You think the Asgard named a-a ship after you because they thought it was a cool name? Now's not the time to play dumb, you're a lot smarter than that. They saw our potential in you…because of who you are and what you've done. Humanity's potential. That's the same thing Oma saw in me.
Col. O'Neill: I am not you.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, when has that ever stopped you from doing anything?
Col. O'Neill: Okay… put yourself in my shoes and me in yours.
Dr. Jackson: You'd be here for me.
Col. O'Neill: Damn straight! I'd have busted you out, blown this rat hole to hell and made sure that son-of-a-bitch suffered!
Dr. Jackson: The Others would have stopped you.
Col. O'Neill: They'd have a hell of a fight on their hands.
Dr. Jackson: You wouldn't do that.
Col. O'Neill: Ba'al would be dead.
Dr. Jackson: Jack—
Col. O'Neill: And don't think I'd stop there!
Dr. Jackson: [forcefully] You're a better man than that!
Col. O'Neill: [yelling] That's where you're wrong!

Dr. Jackson: What I'm offering you is your only way out.
Col. O'Neill: You're wrong about that too. I have another choice
Dr. Jackson: What are you talking about?
[O'Neill gives Jackson a significant look]
Dr. Jackson: No.
Col. O'Neill: Any minute, they're gonna come. Ba'al is gonna kill me again. You can make it the last time.
Dr. Jackson: Don't ask me to do that.
Col. O'Neill: You can put an end to it.
Dr. Jackson: I won't do it.
Col. O'Neill: I'd do it for you, and you know it. I don't want to see this cell again, Daniel.

Dr. Jackson: Look, I know you don't think so…right now, I mean, I know you have your doubts, but uh…because you've been through something that no one should have to go through... I guess what I'm trying to say is…you're going to be all right.
Col. O'Neill: How do you know?
Dr. Jackson: You're just going to have to trust me.

Dr. Jackson: I always seem to be saying goodbye to you.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, I noticed that. Why don't you stick around for a while?
Dr. Jackson: I can't, really.
Col. O'Neill: You just did.
Dr. Jackson: Special occasion.
Col. O'Neill: Christmas?
Dr. Jackson: No.
Col. O'Neill: Groundhog Day?
Dr. Jackson: [trying not to smile] Nooo.
Col. O'Neill: I've got my journey, you got yours?
Dr. Jackson: Something like that, yeah.

Col. O'Neill: If I'm catchin' the next plane of existence outta here, you gotta give me somethin'.
Dr. Jackson: It's your journey. No one but you can choose what you become or the path you take. All I can promise you is it will be an amazing journey. Once you release your burden.
Col. O'Neill: Daniel, so help me, if you start talkin' like Oma…
Dr. Jackson: I'm not talking like Oma Desala.
Col. O'Neill: Sounds like Oma to me.
Dr. Jackson: No, no, no…see, Oma Desala would say something like…uh, uh, if you know the candle is fire then the meal was cooked a long time ago or something like that.
Col. O'Neill: Why?
Dr. Jackson: To open your mind.
Col. O'Neill: Though a candle burns in my house…there's nobody home.

Shadowplay [6.7][edit]

Maj. Carter: Well, according to their commander, the Kelownan government wants to reestablish trade relations with Earth.
Col. O'Neill: I hope you diplomatically told him where to shove it.

Col. O'Neill: I have nothing against them defending themselves but…how do we know they'll stop there?
Gen. Hammond: You sound like Dr. Jackson.
Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] We spent some time together.

The Other Guys [6.8][edit]

Dr. Coombs: They'll be back, Felger. Can't you see they're just having fun with you?
Dr. Felger: What are you talking about? There's something going on out there.
Dr. Coombs: Oh, please, huh? They're just tired of your butt-snorkeling.

Dr. Felger: Bite me, Coombs! At least my heroes exist. If this was a Trek convention you'd be all dressed up like a Klingon.
Dr. Coombs: Vulcan, Felger. Vulcan. And I don't know how you can call yourself a scientist and not worship at the altar of Roddenberry!
Dr. Felger: [mockingly] Oooh, how we gonna get outta this one, Captain? Oh, I don't know, something to do with a tachyon emitter?

Dr. Felger: What would Col. O'Neill do if he were here now?
Dr. Coombs: You want me to shoot you?

Maj. Carter: How come you're not smiling?
Jonas: Should I be?
Maj. Carter: Well, it is your first time being captured by a Goa'uld.

Col. O'Neill: Carter, be honest. The résumé gag…?
[There is a long pause]
Teal'c: It needs work, O'Neill.

Dr. Coombs: Okay, you studied Goa'uld mothership blueprints?
Dr. Felger: Information is an SG-Team's greatest ally.
Dr. Coombs: You know what an SG-Team's greatest ally is?! An SG-Team!

Dr. Felger: What about "never leave a man behind"?
Col. O'Neill: [furious] What about "we allowed ourselves to be captured"? On purpose?
Dr. Coombs: [contrite] Oh.
Dr. Felger: You what?
Col. O'Neill: We're on a mission, you nit!

Dr. Felger: Don't you get it Simon, Jaffa do not kill each other for fun.
Dr. Coombs: They don't?
Dr. Felger: OK, I don't know that for sure.

Dr. Felger: You are not going to die, Coombs.
Dr. Coombs: Oh, come on, Felger! We might as well be wearing red shirts!

Herak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Col. O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!

Dr. Felger: All that's missing now is some Jaffa chasing us.
[A Jaffa patrol is nearing their position]
Dr. Felger: Okay, that was not my fault!

Dr. Felger: There is something hinky going on.
Dr. Coombs: Hinky?
Dr. Felger: It's a word!
Dr. Coombs: In what dictionary?!

Allegiance [6.9][edit]

[A Tok'ra and Jaffa are fighting]
Col. O'Neill: What the hell are you doing?! This is a funeral for crying out loud!
Artok: I asked a question of this Tok'ra.
Ocker: No one may speak during the ritual!
Col. O'Neill: For this you guys are fighting?! [to Ocker] Well, I'm sure he's sorry.
Artok: I am not.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, on the inside.

Maj. Carter: Sir. Several of the Tok'ra have expressed concern about the temporary quarters they've been assigned.
Col. O'Neill: Explain to them the meaning of the word "temporary". If they don't like it, they can leave.
Maj. Carter: You really want me to tell them that?
Col. O'Neill: Yes. No. [sighs] I'll do it.

[Carter is explaining the status of a naquadah generator in the morning]
Maj. Carter: It seemed like a power fluctuation in the cycle output of the naquadah reactor. But at closer inspection, I discovered the absorption port and its redundancy had been tampered with.
Col. O'Neill: Carter! I haven't had coffee.

Maj. Carter: Well, whoever it is, we're dealing with an enemy we can't see. Without TERs to counter that technology, we're helpless.
Malek: Do you have the means to generate a high-frequency electromagnetic field?
Maj. Carter: I could modify the wave output of the naquadah reactor.
Malek: Within a range of 400 to 700 nanometers?
Maj. Carter: That might just excite the phase particles enough to bring them into our visible light spectrum.
Col. O'Neill: Carter?
Maj. Carter: Sir, the invisibility field must operate—
Col. O'Neill: Are you about to tell me that you can make the invisible guy vi—
Maj. Carter: Yes, sir.
Col. O'Neill: That's all I need.
Jacob Carter: If you can see it, you can shoot it.

[Carter turns on a recalibrated naquadah generator]
Col. O'Neill: Ooh! Anybody else feel that?
Maj. Carter: The tingling sensation is caused by the energy field. It's not causing any physical damage, so there's nothing to worry about, sir.
Col. O'Neill: No, I like it. It's good!

Bra'tac: This weapon (holding up the Ashrak's large bladed knife) has shed the blood of Tokra, of Jaffa, and of the Tauri. By the hands of our common enemy, it has made us brothers! Together, we have ensured it will never spill our blood again!

Cure [6.10][edit]

Dollen: They are sending their most respected team of representatives. No doubt the leader of this group will be a brilliant and savvy negotiator.
Tegar: We must be at our best to match the challenge.
Dollen: Personally, I cannot wait to meet a man of such genius.
[SG-1 enters through the Stargate]
Col. O'Neill: Howdy, folks!

[Zenna Volk approaches Jonas and Teal'c]
Zenna: Earthans!
Jonas: Uh… Earthlings. [looks at Teal'c] Sort of.

Teal'c: A Goa'uld offspring is born with the intellect and knowledge of the queen who bore it. Normally, the fully developed personality would emerge, allowing the symbiote to control the host immediately upon blending.
Col. O'Neill: Glowing eyes, cliché behavior, evilness, that kind of thing.

[SG-1 is observing a Goa'uld queen that has spawned millions of symbiotes]
Col. O'Neill: Alright now, how is that possible? I mean, how does she make kids without a… [pause] …man friend?
Malek: Symbiote queens are able to fertilize their own eggs. It is essentially an asexual process.
Col. O'Neill: That why you guys take hosts?

Prometheus [6.11][edit]

Gen. Hammond: How much does she know?
Maj. Davis: She thinks Prometheus is some kind of fusion reactor.
Gen. Hammond: Then maybe we don't have a problem.

[Carter and Jonas are showing off the BC-303 starship to a TV newscrew]
Martell: You're saying little green men helped you build this?
Maj. Carter: Actually, they're gray.

Unnatural Selection [6.12][edit]

Col. O'Neill: Suffice to say you might want to get upstairs and punch "1" [supposedly the President] on the old speed dial.
Gen. Hammond: [confused] My grandchildren?
Col. O'Neill: "2" then.

Col. O'Neill: They didn't go for it.
Maj. Carter: They didn't approve the mission?
Col. O'Neill: No, they did that. Once they knew the stakes and the whole "fate of the universe" stuff, both the president and Hammond realized we have no choice. He sends good luck, godspeed, and all those things he says when he thinks we're gonna die.
Maj. Carter: So what didn't they go for?
Col. O'Neill: The name I suggested.
Maj. Carter: For the ship?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
Maj. Carter: Yeah, sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.
Col. O'Neill: Why not?!
Maj. Carter: The project codename is Prometheus. What's wrong with that?
Col. O'Neill: It's a Greek tragedy. Who wants that?

Teal'c: Replicators exist merely to increase their numbers and do so without prejudice. They are no more evil than a virus.
Col. O'Neill: A really evil virus.

Col. O'Neill: What's the matter with you guys? Time machines are nothing but trouble -- even we know that!

Thor: If in fact you are reconsidering...
Col. O'Neill: No, no. I full well expected the other shoe to drop.
Thor: We can only hope that this will be the last footwear to fall.

First: We are inside your unconscious mind now.
Col. O'Neill: You'd think there'd be more lights on.

Maj. Carter: What was the command?
Thor: To come forth.
Jonas: You instructed every Replicator out there to come to you?
Col. O'Neill: I have a theory why you lost the war.

Sight Unseen [6.13][edit]

Maj. Carter: You only saw a flash of this creature. Are you sure it wasn't a hallucination?
Jonas: You're suggesting l'm delusional?
Col. O'Neill: No, no. lt's just possible you were seeing something that wasn't entirely... Yes, that's what we're suggesting.

Jonas: The possibility of being insane has been interfering with my ability to relax.

Vernon: So what planet are they from?
Col. O'Neill: Who?
Vernon: The aliens.
Col. O'Neill: Oh! A place called Melmac.
Vernon: Isn't that where Alf was from?
Col. O'Neill: Who?
Vernon: Alf. You know, on TV? The puppet?
Col. O'Neill: [deadpan] Never saw it.

Smoke and Mirrors [6.14][edit]

Jonas: How'd you learn to drive?
Teal'c: It was Daniel Jackson that instructed me.
Jonas: When was that?
Teal'c: I believe the year was 1969.

[Recovering from a bomb blast, Carter realizes that she is on the ground, with Barrett on top of her.]
Maj. Carter: What are you doing?
Agent Barrett: Covering you.
Maj. Carter: [irked] Thank you. Get up.

Agent Barrett: What makes you think I was gonna come in here before you got them to incriminate themselves?
Maj. Carter: When you work with someone, you just know.

Sen. Kinsey: You need this as much as I do. The only way you're going to get public vindication is if the two of us appear on the six o'clock news, shaking hands.
Col. Jack O'Neill: Yeah... I'm not sure it's worth it.

Col. Jack O'Neill: Someone duplicated the duplicators?

Paradise Lost [6.15][edit]

Maybourne: (eating hot dog) I helped myself, I hope you don't mind.
Col. O'Neill: You're eating my dog.
Maybourne: (chewing) You want it back?
Col. O'Neill: You want some beer to wash it down?
Maybourne: Already got some.
Col. O'Neill: What are you doing here?

Col. O'Neill: Maybourne, have you completely lost your mind? Because if you're suffering, I'll gladly put you out of your misery.

Col. O'Neill: You know, Harry, it's not that I can't believe you lied to me again, it's that you lied to me again!

Maybourne: I can't go back. I'd rather die here than spend the rest of my life in jail.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, um, I've been giving that some thought. I think you've suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you.
Maybourne: Twice.

Maybourne: Nothing I like more than a good wiener.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, you are what you eat.

Teal'c: Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas: It's not Ancient but it's definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the Ancient alliance.
Col. O'Neill: Nox? Asgard?
Jonas: Furlings.
Col. O'Neill: Oh no, not those guys.
Jonas: What?
Col. O'Neill: Oh I don't know, I just can't imagine cute little furry things making big powerful weapons, that's all.
Jonas: I don't even know what they look like.
Col. O'Neill: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.

Metamorphosis [6.16][edit]

Jonas: I'm thinking of asking her out.
Maj. Carter: Then you should.
Jonas: On Kelowna, it's custom for that request to be passed on by a friend. [punches Carter lightly on the arm]
Maj. Carter: Oh, it is not!
Jonas: You could at least find out for me if she'd be receptive.
Maj. Carter: Jonas, you are such a chickensh-- (The last part of the word is drowned out by the base's siren.)

Col. O'Neill: Hey folks, how you doing? Jack O’Neill, Earth. Listen. originally we came here to rescue you. But as you can see we’ve run into a bit of a snag. So if any of you can bend steel with your bare hands or happen to be more powerful than a locomotive, just raise your hand. Identify yourselves. Let us know where you are...

Disclosure [6.17][edit]

British Ambassador: I am a bit dubious that not one but two reported meteors in the last few years were in fact alien ships.
Maj. Davis: Actually, there were three.

Sen. Kinsey: Commander Thor, my name is—
Thor: Senator Kinsey. O'Neill suggested I send you to a distant planet for your actions here, but I am reasonably certain his statement was in jest.
Sen. Kinsey: [raises his finger] I'm sure it was, Commander—
Thor: [raises his finger] Supreme Commander.

Thor: It is the opinion of the Asgard high council that Stargate Command should be left in the very capable hands of General Hammond and his team...and while our continued friendship with Earth is not contingent on that—it. is. preferred.

Forsaken [6.18][edit]

Teal'c: The Celts were formidable warriors in their time. Their descendants may make valuable allies.
Col. O'Neill: You've seen Braveheart too often.

Col. O'Neill: [To Carter looking through the telescope] Lots of interesting nebulous things going on?
Maj. Carter: Yes, sir.
Col. O'Neill: [Looks into the telescope] I don't see squat.
Maj. Carter: Well, you wouldn't, sir, during the day.

Jonas: [Over the radio] Colonel, Major. You have to see this.
Col. O'Neill: Okay. You'll have to let us know where you are.
Jonas: Right. Ah, head east.

The Changeling [6.19][edit]

Bra'tac: [as "Brae"] There's putting your life on the line and there's being stupid. Guess which one you picked?

Dr. Jackson: I haven't left your side, Teal'c. And I'm not going to. That's a promise.

Col. O'Neill: What's that?
Maj. Carter: Tretonin, sir.
Jonas: The drug the Pangarans offered us?
Col. O'Neill: Whoa! That's ground Goa'uld, isn't it?
Jacob Carter: It's a little more refined than that, Jack...

[Maj. Carter suggests that Teal'c drink warm milk]
Teal'c: I would prefer not to consume bovine lactose at any temperature.

Memento [6.20][edit]

Col. Ronson: There's no redundancy for that particular system.
Col. O'Neill: So, you're saying there's no redundancy.

Teal'c: Yet it is happening.
Col. O'Neill: Yet it is.

Prophecy [6.21][edit]

Teal'c: Are you still having visions, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas: Not since the surgery, no.
Col. O'Neill: So, no lottery numbers...
Jonas: [smiling] 'Fraid not
Col. O'Neill: No trip to Vegas, just you and me...

Col. O'Neill: Every time I wake up in a Goa'uld cell I can't help but have the thought that something bad is going to happen.

Mot: You are the Tau'ri of Stargate Command.
Col. O'Neill: And you are Lord Mot. Come to punish us for our insolence, yada, etcetera, et al.
Mot: That is correct.
Col. O'Neill: Well Mr Mot. We're onto you. We know what you've got planned and we've informed the Tok'ra. If we don't report back on schedule, they're goina rat you out, they'll tell your boss, they'll snitch on ya.

Full Circle [6.22][edit]

Col. O'Neill: I’m sure that was an aspirin I took this morning.
Daniel Jackson: Jack, it’s really me. It’s me, you have to help, you have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. Keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever, it doesn’t matter, we don’t have much time.
Col. O'Neill: Hey Daniel, how you doing? Long time. How are things on the higher planes?
Daniel Jackson: [sighs, decides to play along] Hey Jack, long time no see. How you doing?
Col. O'Neill: Fine, just fine.
Daniel Jackson: How are the knees, the back? Everything’s..
Col. O'Neill: Oh you know, weather contingent...
Daniel Jackson: So what’s new?
Col. O'Neill: Ah actually a funny thing happened to me, today, I’m riding an elevator and an old friend of mine, someone who never calls, never writes just shows up and tells me all about this very important and apparently urgent mission that needs my attention.
Daniel Jackson: You gonna help or…
Col. O'Neill: Wait! Let me tell it, it’s good! You see this buddy of mine, this pal, this chum has ascended to a whole new level of existence. Do you see the irony? He’s asking for my help and he’s this great and powerful being.
Daniel Jackson: The Others have rules; just talking to you is a violation.
Col. O'Neill: What, like jay walking, double parking, what?

Col. O'Neill: So... you seeing anyone?
Skaara: Maybe.
Col. O'Neill: Really? Is it serious?
Skaara: Maybe. We are betrothed.
Col. O'Neill: Trust me, that’s serious. Congratulations!
Skaara: Thank you.
Col. O'Neill: I assume my invitation got lost in the mail or..?
Skaara: I wanted to ask you to sha’loki. To stand beside me.
Col. O'Neill: Just during the ceremony right?
Skaara: Yes, yes.
Col. O'Neill: I’d be honoured.
Skaara: Will you becoming to my wedding alone? [Sam walks up]
Col. O'Neill: Ah... I assume Carter’s invited too?
Skaara: Of course. Will you becoming together?
Col. O'Neill: As in?
Maj. Carter: Friends going to a wedding.
Col. O'Neill: [Uncomfortable] Right. Sure. [pause] Jonas? [walks away] [Skaara and Sam share a knowing smile]

O'Neill: [to Her'ak, regarding Anubis] Don't forget to tell him you screwed up again!
Jonas: Is it really necessary to further antagonize him?
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Yes.

Dr. Jackson: Oma's here watching me.
Col. O'Neill: And?
Dr. Jackson: And I don't care any more.

Anubis: With a wave of my hand, I will bombard the surface. You can try and stop me if you choose.
Dr. Jackson: What makes you think I won't?
Anubis: Your words mean nothing. Take action, if you dare.

Major Carter: The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn't keep his deal with Daniel.
Col. O'Neill: That's a shock, eh?

Col. O'Neill: Well, spank me rosy!

Her'ak: Surrender or die!
Col. O'Neill: What?
Her'ak: Surrender or die!
Col. O'Neill: I was just gonna say the exact same thing.
Her'ak: O'Neill, of SG-1.
Col. O'Neill: Hey, how you doing? You'll have to forgive me, I'm terrible with names. What was...
[A staff shot is fired]
Col. O'Neill: Jeez!
Her'ak: I am Her'ak. first prime of Anubis.
Col. O'Neill: Congratulations. Failing upwards I see.

Her'ak: You are indeed all-powerful, my lord.
Anubis: What you just saw was not my doing. [Anubis sits at his throne] However, this is! [Anubis destroys Abydos]

Skaara: All those who wish to die
Daniel: All those who must not fail


Season 7[edit]

Fallen [7.1][edit]

Jonas: I got it!
Maj. Carter: Hopefully it's not contagious.

Native: [pointing to Teal'c] He is Jaffa.
Col. O'Neill: No, but he plays one on TV.

[Jackson has turned up alive on an alien planet, but without his memory]
Teal'c: Do you not recognize us, Daniel Jackson?
Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry.
[ Jackson walks away. uncomfortable pause.]
Col. O'Neill: Not even me?

Dr. Jackson: Besides, who am I gonna tell? I mean, I don't, uh, I don't remember anybody, right?
Col. O'Neill: Good one.
Dr. Jackson: Thanks, Jim.
Col. O'Neill: It's Jack.
Dr. Jackson: Right.

Dr. Jackson: All I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it.
Col. O'Neill: So, where is "it"?
Dr. Jackson: Did I just say "all I know"?
Col. O'Neill: Everyone turn away.
Maj. Carter: Sir?
Col. O'Neill: I want no witnesses.

Col. O'Neill: All I'm saying... just for the record... this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with. [He turns and starts to leave the room]
Maj. Carter: Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Col. O'Neill: [As he walks out the door] Oh, yeah.
Maj. Carter: [Calling after O'Neill] Wackier than—than blowing up a sun?
Col. O'Neill: [From the corridor, unseen] Yep!
Maj. Carter: [to Jonas and Daniel] ...He's probably right.

Col. O'Neill: I thought we were going with Red Leader on this one.

[Col. O'Neill and Major Carter are testing out a new fighter, the X-302.
Col. O'Neill: I want to see what this thing's made of.
Maj. Carter: I could tell you exactly, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Another time, maybe. Please.

[Jonas and Jackson are searching the computer on a Goa'uld mothership, trying to find the location of the exhaust shaft O'Neill and Carter must hit to destroy the mothership and Jaffa are about to catch them]
Jonas: Well, can't you do some kind of a... keyword search?
Daniel: Yeah? For what? Achilles?
Jonas: Well, that's good. I'm glad to see that your-your memory's finally coming back. Not to mention your razor-sharp wit, but why don't we try something like, uh... power-core venting?

[Dr Frasier has just given Daniel his glasses.]
Dr. Jackson: Oh, that's much better.
Col. O'Neill: Do you recognize me now?
Dr. Jackson: Your hair always been like that?
Col. O'Neill: Like what? [Looks confused at Daniel and then at Dr Frasier]
Dr. Jackson: Never mind.

Younger Traveler: They say that they are friends.
Elder Traveler: No one can be a friend, if you know not whether to trust them.
Col. O'Neill: Don't judge a book by its cover.
Elder Traveler: Enemies promises were made to be broken.
Col. O'Neill: And yet honesty is the best policy.
Elder Traveler: He that has too many friends has none.
Col. O'Neill: Ah, but birds of a feather...
Elder Traveler: I'm unfamiliar with that story. What lesson does it teach?
Col. O'Neill: It has to do with flocking...and togetherness...and to be honest I'm not that familiar with the particulars myself.

Homecoming [7.2][edit]

Jonas: Which way?
Dr. Jackson: Uhhhh... this way!
Jonas: Sure?
Dr. Jackson: Nope!
Jonas: Right!

Col. O'Neill: Haven't you guys heard the story about the dog and the dancing monkeys? It's about getting along and... dancing.

Dr. Jackson: You know, that planet you guys found me on was nice. The people were simple, life was quiet.
Jonas: Why didn't you stay?
Dr. Jackson: I couldn't remember what this was like.

Her'ak: As for the rest of you, you will be publicly executed as an example to all who would defy their god!
Col. O'Neill: Does it have to be public?
[Her'ak points his staff weapon at Col. O'Neill]
Her'ak: I could kill you now.
Col. O'Neill: Publicly's fine.

Dr. Jackson: It's not that I mind...rejoining SG-1 and exploring the galaxy, meeting new cultures, jeopardy, saving the world, that kind of thing ... we get paid for this, right?
Col. O'Neill: [smiling] Welcome back.

Fragile Balance [7.3][edit]

[Col. O'Neill has been turned into a teenager]
O'Neill Clone: Daniel! Will you tell them who I am? Please?
Dr. Jackson: Okay. Love to. Who are you?
Gen. Hammond: This boy claims he's Colonel O'Neill
Dr. Jackson: This is a joke right?
O'Neill Clone: Daniel!
Dr. Jackson: Sounds like him, at least the loud grating part.

O'Neill Clone: You want proof? Carter, you once carried a Tokra named Jolinar who gave her life to save you. Daniel, until recently you were an ascended being. Ya broke the rules, ya got yourself kicked out of the Oma Desala fan club and had your memory erased... (Teal'c enters the room)... and you and Bra'tac both just lost your snakes in a Goa'uld ambush. Had your tretonin yet this morning?

Gen. Hammond: Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has, somehow, regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Dr. Jackson: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Dr. Jackson: Well, there was the time he got really old, the time he became a caveman, the time we all swapped bodies...

[Teal'c is looking through Col. O'Neill's fridge]
Teal'c: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
O'Neill Clone: Hey, come on, that salsa's still good.

Dr. Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come right out and say it.

Col. O'Neill: What's going on?
Dr. Jackson: [referring to Loki] We're pretty sure this Asgard kidnapped you and attempted to replace you with a clone.
Col. O'Neill: How long was I asleep?!
Maj. Carter: Seven days.
Col. O'Neill: That's a record.

Loki: No, no, no, this is all wrong.
Col. O'Neill: Hey! I'll tell you what's wrong. I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a -- mini-me! Carter, I should be irked currently, yes?
Maj. Carter: Yes, I—I would be.

Loki: I am a scientist. A former geneticist with the Asgard Ruling Council.
Maj. Carter: Former?
Loki: I was stripped of my stature when I was caught performing unsanctioned experiments on humans.
Col. O'Neill: What, you've got sanctioned ones?

Dr. Jackson: Why risk coming back here after nineteen years?
Loki: I thought he was the one.
Col. O'Neill and Clone: Me?
Loki: I believed his genetic code contained the key.
Col. O'Neill and Clone: Mine?
Col. O'Neill: [To the clone] Will you stop that?
Loki: He was physiologically advanced enough to carry and utilize all the data from the Ancient repository of knowledge. That would not be possible for any human one generation ago. He is a significant step forward on your evolutionary path.
Dr. Jackson: You just found this out recently?
Loki: I learned about it when all the Asgard did. O'Neill is legendary. [Col. O'Neill adopts a smug look]

O'Neill Clone: Look, I know you don't think I am who I am, but, as far as I'm concerned, I am.. who.. I am.

Dr. Jackson: Uh, what do we do if Thor doesn't show up? [Thor beams aboard the ship] Never mind.
Col. O'Neill: Well, it's about time!
Thor: I apologize for not coming sooner. [angrilly] Loki, what have you done?
O'Neill clone: Yeah, it seems he's been playing Dr. Moreau behind your back
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Dr. Moreau.

Orpheus [7.4][edit]

[Dr. Jackson has just finished giving intel about the Jaffa to SG-1 and Gen. Hammond, based on a dream]
Dr. Jackson: [surprised] So, you believe me, too?
Gen. Hammond: The things I've heard sitting in this chair…

Col. O'Neill: It's time for Plan B.
Maj. Carter: We have a Plan B?
Col. O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.

Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed me that I have my mojo back.

Col. O'Neill: Come on Teal'c, don't gimme the eyebrow!

[Referring to the movie Signs]
Maj. Carter: So they fly halfway across the galaxy, in a highly advanced spaceship, but they don't use their technology to take over the planet. You know what their weakness turned out to be? Water. I mean, if that's true, why go to all the trouble to invade a planet that's two-thirds water? Not to mention the rain.
Dr. Jackson: Why do you watch those movies if all you're going to do is cut 'em up?
Maj. Carter: Come on! Don't you occasionally like to see if they're getting it anywhere close to the truth?

Col. O'Neill: Fraiser says that Teal'c needs a pep talk. I've been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour now.
Dr. Jackson: Not peppy enough?
Col. O'Neill: No, not really.

Dr. Jackson: We need a distraction
Maj. Carter: Grenades?
Col. O'Neill: Think Bigger
Maj. Carter: Claymores?
Col. O'Neill: [looking up at the dry dock with an unfinished mothership] Much bigger!

Revisions [7.5][edit]

[Kendrick and his son Nevin have taken in O'Neill and Teal'c for the night]
Nevin: How many planets have you been to?
Col. O'Neill: I don't know. Lots.
Nevin: More than ten?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
Nevin: More than twenty?
Col. O'Neill: Yes.
Nevin: More than thirty?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
Nevin: More than forty?
Col. O'Neill: Yes.
Nevin: More than fifty?
Col. O'Neill: Maybe.
Kendrick: Nevin, let the poor man eat.
Nevin: It's more than fifty, isn't it?
Col. O'Neill: [quietly, to Teal'c] Think it's too late to pitch a tent?

Lifeboat [7.6][edit]

Teal'c: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.
Col. O'Neill: I dare you to say that again.

Dr. Jackson/Martice: Just find the small woman and tell her that what she gave me is not good enough. It isn't working!

Enemy Mine [7.7][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Whoa. What's this? [uncovers a crate full of primitive tools] Artifacts?
Maj. Lorne: Yes.
Dr. Jackson: You found all this and you—you didn't contact me?
Maj. Lorne: We were going to.
Dr. Jackson: They've been moved.
Maj. Lorne: [annoyed] Well, they were in the way.
Col. O'Neill: Daniel, go to your happy place.

Dr. Jackson: [earnestly] Colonel, you don't understand. Unas are territorial, and when provoked, they can be extremely dangerous.
Col. Edwards: [to O'Neill] Is he always like this?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, pretty much.

Dr. Jackson: I guess I just spent a lot of time breaking you in, I just didn't want to have to start with a new colonel.

Col. Edwards: O'Neill was right. You are a pain in the ass. But well worth it.

Space Race [7.8][edit]

Eamon: (to Del Tynan) Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason you've been passed over so many times is not because you're a human, but because you're a moron?
(later, as Del Tynan's boss, Miles Hagan has him arrested)
Miles Hagan: (To Del Tynan) The reason you haven't been promoted is because you've been under investigation for corruption for the last 12 months. And you're a moron.

Col. O'Neill: How many times have I told you? Don't get caught by the bad guys!

Dr. Jackson: You're just sore that you lost.
Maj. Carter: Well, come on. It wasn't fair! Bunch of cheaters…
Dr. Jackson: So, whatcha gonna do?
Maj. Carter: Next year, I'm gonna kick butt.

Warrick: [handing Carter a thick binder] Major Carter, if you are to be my co-pilot, you will need to know how the ship works.
Maj. Carter: What is this? [she opens the binder and begins to leaf through]
Warrick: A complete operations manual for the Seberus, I had it translated for you.
Maj. Carter: Thank you!
Col. O'Neill: [looking at the manual over Carter's shoulder] That's not our language!
Maj. Carter: It's mine, Sir.

Warrick: I will go myself and pick one up after I get back from escorting Col. O'Neill, Dr. Jackson and Teal'c to the Hebridan capital building.
Col. O'Neill: T, you coming?
Teal'c: Major Carter has requested that I remain, so that I may assist her.
Col. O'Neill: She did?
Maj. Carter: I did? Yes. Thank you.
Teal'c: I do not wish to disappoint Major Carter
Col. O'Neill: Yes... I know the feeling.

Avenger 2.0 [7.9][edit]

Maj. Carter: It's an energy-based weapon, sir. It could, potentially, replace the missiles on the X-303.
Col. O'Neill: Phaser?
Chloe: More like a photon torpedo.

Felger: This is the very spot I was standing when I figured out how to recombine epsilon particles in a sub-space matrix. Then I got mugged by some teenagers.

Col. O'Neill: Felger's virus? I told you not to trust that brown nosin' little weasal!

Felger: It's pretty cool, isn't it? You and I working together? We're sort of like the intellectual Butch and Sundance of the SGC.
Maj. Carter: Butch and Sundance got cornered and killed by the Bolivian army.
[Jaffa appear]
Maj. Carter: We've got trouble!
Felger: What kind of trouble?
Maj. Carter: Think "Bolivia"!

Birthright [7.10][edit]

[Dr. Jackson explains to Nesa that he needs glasses because he can't see well]
Nesa: Perhaps you are in need of a symbiote.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'll just stick with the glasses.

Neith: Why have we brought them here?
Mala: Because that was the mission.
Neith: Why wasn't I told?
Mala: Because we knew you would disagree.

[Speaking of the Hak'tyl]
Dr. Jackson: I can't help but think of the ancient Greek amazon mythos.
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Me too.
Dr. Jackson: They were female warriors who occasionally captured men from other tribes in order to mate with them. Would often, um, would sometimes remove their right breasts so they could more easily fire a bow and arrow.
Col. O'Neill: I see neither bow nor arrow.
Dr. Jackson: No.
Col. O'Neill: Wait, you don't s'pose that's why they want us, do you? You know, the three of us.
Dr. Jackson: To...to mate with? No, I don't think so.
Col. O'Neill: Cause you know me, I'm all for helping people.
Maj. Carter: [laughing] Oh, God!

Evolution, Part 1 [7.11][edit]

Col. Reynolds: Not much faith in Plan A?
Col. O'Neill: Since when has Plan A ever worked?

Col O'Neill: [To Ramius] Greetings! Well, uh, I know how this looks. So, I think it's important we clear up any misunderstanding right away. We did not come to kill you. Honest. Am I right!? The fact is, and this is the fun part, we actually came to save your ass...es. All your asses. Do you see the irony? All right, there's this guy out there, big guy, big guy in a black suit. None too fond of you Goa'ulds. Well, anyway, he's the one we're after, not you. So if you want to let us go, we'll be on our way, to save the world another da—you're not buying this, are you?
Ramius: Jaffa, Kree!
[Ramius and his guards leave]
Maj. Carter: That went well.
Col. O'Neill: That went well.

Teal'c: Your lord will be slain as will you, if you do not free us.
Jaffa: My god will fight for his people.
Bratac: Your god is cowering right now like a frightened child. I have seen it before!
Teal'c: Ramius will have you all die for him, while he attempts to escape!

Evolution, Part 2 [7.12][edit]

Sgt. Siler: [adjusting Jacob's armor] How's that, sir?
Jacob: Pretty good. Reminds me of my old football days.
Sgt. Siler: They had helmets back in those days, sir?
Jacob: Funny.

Bra'tac: Teal'c! Are you hurt?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Bra'tac: Where?
Teal'c: My pride.

Jacob: Sam. Sam.
Major Carter: (grimacing) ugh.
Jacob: No lie still. Where does it hurt?
Major Carter: Everywhere.
Jacob: That's a good sign.

Burke : Watch your step ladies we're not in Minnesota anymore.

Burke: [pointing to the Ancient device] Is that that thing that made that guy do that thing?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, it's okay, it's off now.
Col. O'Neill: Good. That's good.
Dr. Lee: Yeah, at least we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore so…
Dr. Jackson: Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore it shouldn't be on anymore.
Dr. Lee: [to Daniel] Do you want to hold it?
Dr. Jackson: Nope. [moves away]
Burke: (laughs) That's crazy!

Grace [7.13][edit]

[Alone on Prometheus, Carter is hallucinating that the rest of SG-1 is with her.]
Maj. Carter: Were you this annoying when you were ascended?
Dr. Jackson: I dunno, depends on who you ask. I thought I had a certain je ne sais quoi. Timing was so-so.

Daniel Jackson: Hey! Have I told you my latest theory yet? It's really cool. Lose something?
Maj. Carter: Did you see a…
Daniel Jackson: Little girl?
Maj. Carter:Yeah.
Daniel Jackson: No.

Teal'c: You are like a brother to me, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: You're like, what, 140?
Teal'c: A younger brother, perhaps. But that is not my point.

Col. O'Neill: All right Carter, come on, on your feet let's go.
Maj. Carter: I was wondering when you were going to show up.
Col. O'Neill: You just gonna sit there?
Maj. Carter: Too tired sir.
Col. O'Neill: Samantha, I'm a figment of your imagination. You're gonna call me Sir?
Maj. Carter: Old habit. Sorry.
Col. O'Neill: So, you gonna save yourself or what?
Maj. Carter: I've tried.
Col. O'Neill: Just giving up then?
Maj. Carter: I just don't know what else to do right now.
Col. O'Neill: You'll think of something.
Maj. Carter: Came to give me a pep talk?
Col. O'Neill: That's what friends are for.
Maj. Carter: Friends...
Col. O'Neill: Hey. This is you talking here. Might as well be honest.
Maj. Carter: What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?
Col. O'Neill: I would never ask you to give up your career.
Maj. Carter: Because you don't feel anything for me?
Col. O'Neill: Carter...
Maj. Carter: I'd let you go right now if I knew.
Col. O'Neill: That easy?
Maj. Carter: I didn't say it would be easy.
Col. O'Neill: Then what's stopping you if you really wanna know?
Maj. Carter: I'm trying.
Col. O'Neill: Maybe it's not me that's the problem here. Let's face it, I'm not that complex.
Maj. Carter: Me?
Col. O'Neill: Sam. I'm a safe bet.
Maj. Carter: As long as I'm thinking about you, setting my sights on what I think is unobtainable, there's no chance of being hurt by someone else.
Col. O'Neill: Jacob was right. You deserve more. I will always be there for you, no matter what. Believe me.
Maj. Carter: So what now?
Col. O'Neill: Go save your ass.
Maj. Carter: One last thing... [Sam imagines them kissing.] Never mind.

Col. O'Neill: Hey.
Maj. Carter: Jack?
Col. O'Neill: [Shocked] Excuse me?
Maj. Carter: Sorry Sir.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, well, a massive concussion will tend to disorient one.
Maj. Carter: How long was I out there?
Col. O'Neill: It's all relative Carter, that whole time space continuum thing.
Maj. Carter: Sir...
Col. O'Neill: Four days.
Maj. Carter: Could have sworn it was weeks.
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c and Daniel say 'Hi'. They're planning a little bit of a shindig for when you're up and around. There's talk of cake.
Maj. Carter: [Smiles]Cake?
Col. O'Neill: My idea!
Maj. Carter: Can't wait.
Col. O'Neill: Need anything? Magazine? Yo yo?
Maj. Carter: I'm fine.
Col. O'Neill: Yes you are.
Maj. Carter: Thank you Sir.
Col. O'Neill: For what?
Maj. Carter: ... Nothing.
Col. O'Neill: Think nothing of it. I've got plenty of that.

Fallout [7.14][edit]

[The leaders of Langara have been negotiating with the SGC for a planet to evacuate to]
Col. O'Neill: You folks are done.
Dreylock: I don't understand.
Col. O'Neill: Well, you see, we actually like the Medronans. They're nice people. And we've decided there's no way we'd subject them to the likes of you. [smiles innocently] Deal's off. You're toast.

Dr. Jackson: [regarding the SGC] Miss it?
Jonas: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Jackson: Well, judging from what you have to deal with back on Kelowna, I'm not surprised. I think I'd take life-threatening danger over one of those council meetings any day of the week.

Col. O'Neill: Daniel, their planet's going to explode!
Dr. Jackson: Jack.
Col. O'Neill: The whole damn planet!

Col. O'Neill: [To the leaders of Langara] That's what you get for dickin' around.

Chimera [7.15][edit]

Maj. Carter: I feel compelled to warn you, most of the guys I've dated recently have died.

[Elevator doors open to reveal Col. O'Neill]
Maj. Carter: Colonel!
Col. O'Neill: Carter.
Dr. Jackson: Coffee (Yawns)

[Maj. Carter begins humming the show's theme music as she and Col. O'Neill ride an elevator.]
Col. O'Neill: Humming?
Maj. Carter: I am?
Col. O'Neill: You are.
Maj. Carter: Sorry.
Col. O'Neill: What's his name?
Maj. Carter: Now, why would you…
Col. O'Neill: Humming.
Maj. Carter: Pete.
Col. O'Neill: Pete.
Maj. Carter: Pete Shanahan, he's a cop.
Col. O'Neill: Speeding again, are we?
Maj. Carter: From Denver, he's a friend of my brother's.
Col. O'Neill: Set up.
Maj. Carter: Pathetic, I know.
Col. O'Neill: No, it's great.
Maj. Carter: Really?
Col. O'Neill: Isn't it?
Maj. Carter: Well, it's not serious.
Col. O'Neill: And yet...it is...hum-worthy.
Maj. Carter: Sir...
Col. O'Neill: Carter, it's none of my business, I'm just happy you're happy about something other than...quarks. [Pauses] Not bad with the quarks, huh?
Maj. Carter: Oh, excellent.
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Bit uncomfortable, isn't it?
Maj. Carter: Yeah, a bit.
Col. O'Neill: Good luck.
Maj. Carter: Thank you, sir.

Teal'c: Knowing your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Dr. Jackson: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing on many levels.

Gen. Hammond: You're suggesting that Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Dr. Jackson's dreams?
Maj. Carter: We think it's possible, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Kinky.

Death Knell [7.16][edit]

Maj. Carter: It's done. It's just not… finished.

Maj. Carter: Have you not had your coffee this morning?
Jacob: ... Selmak doesn't like coffee.
Maj. Carter: You gave up coffee for your symbiote?

Col. O'Neill: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Heroes, Part 1 [7.17][edit]

[Emmett Bregman is attempting to interview all the top officers of the SGC, including SG-1]
Bregman: Col. O'Neill. Hi. I'm—
Col. O'Neill: [walking right past him] I like vanilla over chocolate, my favorite color is peridot, I think Tibet should be free, and if I could have dinner with anyone in the world, it'd be Mary Steenburgen.
Bregman: No-no, I'm just trying… Mary Steenburgen?
Col. O'Neill: I think she's nice.

[Jackson has just led Bregman's camera crew on a chase through the SGC to his office, just to pick up a fax, which he reads aloud.]
Bregman: What is the, uh…what is the significance of that?
Dr. Jackson: It's fascinating.
Bregman: It's fasc…Okay. [to his crew] Back up. Back up. [back to Daniel] Uh, that's it? It's "fascinating"? Then why were we running?
Dr. Jackson: Oh, uh, I just wanted to see if you'd chase me. [grins]

[Carter gives a whole long presentation on the Stargate's inner workings]
Bregman: …could we get a shot of the Gate spinning?
Maj. Carter: [sarcastically] Sure. It's really cool. Steam comes out of it and everything.

[SG-13 is exploring a new planet, heavily forested]
Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here.
Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir?
Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells?
Airman Wells: Abandoned naquadah mine.
Col. Dixon: Boring. But good odds. Bosworth?
Bosworth: I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.
Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.
Airman Wells: Hostile or friendly, sir?
Col. Dixon: One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?
Dr. Balinsky: Oh, the ruins of an ancient city.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, you wish.

Col. Dixon: Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers... you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don't suffocate them in their sleep.
Airman Wells: Sir, you have four kids.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my work so much? Don't get me wrong, I love those little buggers to death, but trust me, having four kids makes going through a Stargate facing off against alien bad guys look like nothing. This is relaxing.
Airman Wells: Then why did you have four?
Col. Dixon: Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much harder than two", right? What you don't realize is that your brain's fried because you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.
Airman Wells: Can't wait, sir.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.

[SG-13 finds a ruined city]
Dr. Balinsky: Oh, Dr. Jackson's gonna die when he sees this!
Col. Dixon: What, again?

Col. O'Neill:I though as much sir. And I just wanted to express my deep and unyielding... love for you sir.

Bregman: You know, I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.
Col. O'Neill: Fire away. I hope shots of my ass serve you well.

Heroes, Part 2 [7.18][edit]

Maj. Carter: [Enters Col. O'Neill's private medical quarters] Sir, heard you were up and around.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah... argh... still a little tender but they said I could go home.
Maj. Carter: We're lucky that staff blast hit you where it did. That new vest inserts works well.
Col. O'Neill: Didn't help Fraiser much...
Maj. Carter: ... No.
Col. O'Neill: [after a moments silence] How's Cassie?
Maj. Carter: She's a strong kid, she survives, you know...
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. You speaking at the memorial?
Maj. Carter: [nods] Sir... I... I just wanted to say... When you were lying there, I... [fights back tears] I'm really glad you're okay.
Col. O'Neill: [Walks over to her] C'mere. [He pulls her into a hug]

Maj. Carter: Janet Fraiser was an extraordinary person. She was kind and funny and talented. Above all, she was courageous. Try as I might I could not find the words to honor her, to do justice to her life. Thankfully I got some help. While words alone may not be enough, there are some names that might do. We often talk about those that give their lives in the service of their country, and while Janet Fraiser did just that, that's not what her life was about. The following are the names of the men and women who did not die in service, but who are in fact alive today because of Janet.

Resurrection [7.19][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Someone from a top secret, not to mention illegal, NID operation called 911?

Dr. Jackson: Ever had a birthday? You know a birthday, cake with candles on it, funny hats, pin the tail on the donkey, that kind of thing.

Inauguration [7.20][edit]

[President Hayes is reading through SG-1's reports]
Pres. Hayes: "Hosted alien dignitaries"… "Acquired alien technology"… "Traveled back in time"? …Did they really blow up a sun?
Gen. Maynard: As I understand it, sir, yes they did.
Pres. Hayes: That's gotta look awfully good on the ol' résumé, eh?

Pres. Hayes: How these people maintain their sanity is beyond me. I'm having trouble just sitting here listening to it.

Lost City, Part 1 [7.21][edit]

[Talking to Dr. Jackson over the phone]
Col. O'Neill: No, no, no, wait. Don't hang up. I need a seven-letter word.
Dr. Jackson: I told Sam I wouldn't help you.
Col. O'Neill: Well then, this will be the one thing she doesn't know. "Up, Down, Charm"... Blank.
Dr. Jackson: "Strange."
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, thanks anyway.
Dr. Jackson: No, the word you're looking for is... [O'Neill hangs up]
[Cut to Colonel O'Neill stepping out of the elevator where Daniel, Teal'c and Sam are waiting impatiently]
Col. O'Neill: How long have you been standing there?
Dr. Jackson: You said half an hour an hour ago.
Maj. Carter: General Hammond is waiting for us.
[Colonel O'Neill hands Maj. Carter the crossword puzzle]
Maj. Carter: The fate of the universe is hanging in the balance and you've been sitting in your truck finishing this?
Col. O'Neill: I believe the bet was double or nothing. [SG1 begins walking up the stairs towards the briefing room]
Maj. Carter: Okay, 23 across, "the atomic weight of boron." The answer is ten.
Col. O'Neill: So?
Maj. Carter: You wrote "fat."
Col. O'Neill: Your point?

Daniel Jackson: [Describing the particulars of the Ancient device] Except for it wasn't meant for a physiology as primitive as ours.
Col. O'Neill: Easy fella ...
Daniel Jackson: Sorry.

Col. O'Neill: [Sitting on the ground] You know we've searched this place up and down...
Daniel Jackson: I know.
Col. O'Neill: We could have Goa'uld on our collective asses any minute now...
Daniel Jackson: I know....According to the text on this column, it's inside.
Col. O'Neill: [Sarcastically] Inside you say. Well let me tell you my friend. There is no inside. There's just a whole lot of [Hands pointing out for dramatic effect] outside.

Maj. Carter: ... It will overwhelm his nervous system, and the Colonel will....
Col. O'Neill: What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushing up daisies here and there?
Gen. Hammond: Colonel, you should be in the infirmary.
Col. O'Neill: Why? We all know exactly what's gonna happen. In a few days I start speaking some strange language. A few days after that I start doing things beyond my control, and a few days after that, it's goodnight my someone, goodnight. So with your permission sir I'd like to take the weekend to get some personal things together.
Maj. Carter: The last time, it did take a couple of days before we noticed any change in the Colonel's behavior.
Col. O'Neill: I'll be back on Monday ready to work.
Gen. Hammond: Permission granted.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you sir. Now if you'll excuse me, my favorite television show starts in half an hour. [He walks away]

[At Col. O'Neill's house]
Col. O'Neill: Hammond send you by to check up on me?
Maj. Carter: No! It's funny really, I was out driving, you know....in my car, and I um... I drove here. [Laughs nervously] Yeah ...
Col. O'Neill: [Mockingly] "Funny."
Maj. Carter: Yeah...

Maj. Carter: Sir? [Sits down next to him on the sofa]
Col. O'Neill: [After a long pause of her just staring at him] What?
Maj. Carter: I should have done it.
Col. O'Neill: What? Stuck your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter. You're one of this country's natural resources. If not National treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way. I just hope it's worth it...
Maj. Carter: Even if we do find the Lost City. Even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet....
Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts her] THAT ... would be worth it. [Jack and Sam stare at each other until a knock at the door interrupts their moment]
Daniel Jackson: [Opens the front door and pops his head in] Hello!?
Col. O'Neill: [Sam smiles in disappointment. Jack sideways glances at her before calling out to Daniel and Teal'c] In here!
Daniel Jackson: [He and Teal’c slowly walk in the door. They peer around the corner ans see Sam and Jack sitting close] Oh sorry, are we interrupting anything?
Col. O'Neill and Maj. Carter: [Dismissively] No...
Col. O'Neill: What are you doing here?
Daniel Jackson: Oh we ... well it's ... it's a funny story actually. We, we, ah, were driving by and we, uh ... saw Sam's car in the driveway, and ... and ... uh ...
Col. O'Neill: [Nudging Sam's arm, sarcastically] Funny.
Daniel Jackson: ... Teal'c said to me. Well he didn't actually say anything. He just kinda looked at me and did that eyebrow raise thing that he kinda does and I said to him, I said 'hey, why don't we stop by and'...
Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts Daniel] Is that doughnuts?
Teal'c: [Holds up the box, beaming] Indeed!
Col. O'Neill: [a la Monty Burns] Excellent!

[Everyone is very drunk]
Col. O'Neill: You are so wrong. It's a perfect analogy: Burns as Goa'uld.
Teal'c: They are merely animated characters, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: You are so shallow.
Dr. Jackson: Oh, Please! Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's so deep. [to Teal'c] Come-come on, tell 'em how deep you are. [to O'Neill, excitedly] You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c: My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Dr. Jackson: Oooo! Y'see!
Col. O'Neill: No more beer for you.
Maj. Carter: I'm sorry, sir, but I have to agree. I don't see the connection.
Col. O'Neill: All right, that does it. You know, the entire VHS collection was going to one of you. It's going to Siler. He gets it.

Col. O'Neill: I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for… food.

Dr. Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Dr. Jackson: Subtle, huh?
[It is also a lie, as Daniel never saw the stargate before he figured out how it worked]

Dr. Weir: I've been awake all weekend. The reality of this is…it's an adrenaline rush.
Dr. Jackson: Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!

[Anubis has announced his plan to invade Earth in three days.]
Col. O'Neill: Three days from now's a Thursday. Thursday's no good for us.

[Master Bra'tac comes through the Stargate, walks down the ramp and gives Dr. Weir an odd look.]
Dr. Jackson: This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She's the new leader of this facility.
[Dr. Weir extends her hand.]
Dr. Weir: Hello.
Bra'tac: Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?
Dr. Weir: Oh, no sir, he's fine!

Col. O'Neill: And you are?
Dr. Weir: I am Dr. Elizabeth Weir. Colonel.
Vice President Kinsey: You can just call her your one hope of ever stepping through the stargate again.
Col. O'Neill: Bit of a mouthful.
Dr. Weir: I know I'm playing catch-up, but uh, I understand time is short.
Col. O'Neill: Actually it's all relative, ma'am; Carter could explain it better if we had more time.

Lost City, Part 2 [7.22][edit]

Dr. Jackson: "Praclarush Taonas." Jack, this is it!
Col. O'Neill: See, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.
Dr. Jackson: Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.
Col. O'Neill: Following. Still. You. Not!

Maj. Carter: The clue for seven down is "celestial body." He wrote "Uma Thurman."
Col O'Neill: [smiling] Yes.

Col. O'Neill: Daniel... I don't speak Ancient... yet, and when I do.. eventually, you know I'll never understand it.
Dr. Jackson: You have to try.
Col. O'Neill: Last time, things just popped into my fron.
Dr. Jackson: Fron is head.
Col. O'Neill: See. I have no idea what you are talking about.

[O'Neill has torn Jackson's Tau'ri patch off his shoulder and is staring at it.]
Dr. Jackson: Jack, what are you doing?
Col. O'Neill: At.
Maj. Carter: What?
Col. O'Neill: At.
Dr. Jackson: This.
Col. O'Neill: That.
Dr. Jackson: That is at?
Col. O'Neill: You can stop... that.

[SG-1 is taking a great deal of equipment through the Stargate]
Dr. Weir: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink left in the kitchen.
Col. O'Neill: Is that a joke?
Dr. Weir: Perhaps. A bad one
Col. O'Neill: Yes. Very bad. But I sense hope for you.

[SG1 and Bra'tac are in the scout ship]
Col. O'Neill: [Making adjustments to the crystals] Give me your zat. [Sam hands over a zat and Jack shoots the crystals. The engine sound increases. Jack closes the zat and hands it back to Sam.] There you go.
Maj. Carter: Sir. I think you should know that General Hammond authorised me to take command of the team if I determined that you ...
Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts her] Do it now.
Maj. Carter: Sir, I don’t think that’s necessary ...
Col. O'Neill: I trust you. I’ll make it easy for you. I resign. You’re in charge.
Maj. Carter: [Hesitates] Ok... Sir, at your house before Daniel and Teal’c showed up, what I was gonna say was ...
Col. O'Neill: I know. [They stare at each other]

Col. O'Neill: Then you know more than I do.
Maj. Carter: No, sir, I don’t. Now... sit down and take a look. [Pauses awkwardly] That’s an order.
Col. O'Neill: [Jack walks past Sam on his way to take the controls of the scout ship] Easy.

[A hologram of Anubis appears in the Oval Office. Everyone in the office begins to act frightened except for President Hayes.]
Anubis: I am Anubis.
[President Hayes steps forward.]
President Hayes: You've got to be kidding!
Anubis: You are the leader of this world?
Pres. Hayes: Henry Hayes, President of the United States of America, one nation among many.
Anubis: No more. Bow before your god.
Pres. Hayes: [laughs] I don't think so! However, I am willing to discuss your surrender.
Anubis: If you possessed weapons matching mine, you would have used them.
Pres. Hayes: Don't let the suit fool you, fella. We're gonna fight.
Anubis: You bring destruction upon yourselves.
Pres. Hayes: [pointedly] Never going to happen.
[The hologram of Anubis disappears; President Hayes turns around to face the others.]
Pres. Hayes: Too much?

Pres. Hayes: Will you shut the hell up?
Dr. Weir: Sorry, sir.
Pres. Hayes: Not you, Doctor.
Kinsey: Excuse me?
Pres. Hayes: Consider your resignation accepted, Bob.
Kinsey: You can't do that!
Pres. Hayes: Oh, please! I've got enough on you to have ya shot.
Kinsey: This is the biggest mistake you will ever make.
Pres. Hayes: But I think I'll stick to my original thought, which is shut the hell up!

Teal'c: Anubis could not have missed our arrival.
Bra'tac: You are correct. Alkesh and gliders approach. Many.
[Cut to the outside with the hovering shuttle burning through the ice with a white hot beam. In the distance a large swarm of gliders and several Alkesh bear down upon the shuttle.]
Bra'tac: They will be in firing range in thirty seconds. More ships approach from the opposite direction.
Maj. Carter: [turning to the back of the shuttle's cargo bay where O'Neill is] Sir! We are about to get our ...!
Bra'tac: They are NOT Goa'uld.
[Outside the swarm of Goa'uld ships fly in a tight formation when suddenly two missles hit one of the Alkesh blowing it from the sky. More missles hit, blowing apart gliders and Alkesh as several squadrons of F-302 fighters intercept the Goa'uld ships bringing them down short of the shuttle. Behind the fighters the massive Prometheus slides over the shuttle shielding it from further attacks.]
General Hammond: [On the bridge of the Prometheus] Protect that scout ship at all costs!

[The Ancient weapons are destroying the Goa'uld fleet]
He'rak: Our shields are of no use!
Anubis: NOOOO!
[Anubis' mothership explodes]

[In in the ice cave. Jack is in the Ancient chair. He passes out]
Maj. Carter: Sir? [She goes over to Jack and straightens his head to feel his pulse] Sir... His pulse is erratic. [To Jack] Don’t you dare leave us now. We won. [Jack part-opens his eyes and moves his head weakly. Sam takes hold of his chin.] Colonel.
Maj. Carter: [Pleads desperately] Please... Jack.

[SG-1 has just placed a dying O'Neill in stasis]
Maj. Carter: We can't just leave him like this! Th-there has to be a way to reverse the process. The answer has to be here.
Dr. Jackson: I don't think this is it, Sam.
Maj. Carter: What do you mean?
Dr. Jackson: The dome is too small. It's like Taonas. It's obviously not a city, it's just an outpost of some kind.
Maj. Carter: This isn't Atlantis?
Dr. Jackson: I don't think so.
Teal'c: If this is not the Lost City...then where is it?


Season 8[edit]

New Order, Part 1 [8.1][edit]

[Maj. Carter enters Dr Weir's office]
Maj. Carter: That cargo ship was modified using the knowledge of the Ancients. Now, there is no guarantee that anyone will ever be able to figure out how it was done.
Dr. Weir: And as the most likely person on the planet to figure it out, are you saying that if I don’t let you attempt to contact the Asgard, you won’t even try?
Maj. Carter: (smiling sarcastically): I would never say that.

Dr. Jackson: I was just going over some research material on the delegates they're sending. Camulus was the one who sent the original message. Then there's Amaterasu, Japanese Sun Goddess, and the last one is Lord Yu.
Dr. Weir: Yu?
Dr. Jackson: Don't. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously.

Dr. Jackson: The System Lords can't be trusted, either as a group or individuals. They're posturing egomaniacs driven by an unsatisfiable lust for power, each one capable of unimaginable evil.
Dr. Weir: See, why should I be nervous? Sounds like an average day at the United Nations.

Camulus: Your unexpected defeat of Anubis has created an unstable situation among the System Lords. In order to avoid open war, we came to an agreement to divide his territories and his armies evenly.
Dr. Jackson: How civilized of you.
Camulus: Yes. Unforunately, one among us has broken that agreement.
Dr. Jackson: Oh, no, no. Don't…don't tell me, let me…let me guess. It's ummm…
Amaterasu: [annoyed] Ba'al.
Dr. Jackson: Ba'al!

Thor: Time space distortions caused by the black hole have been interfering with my ship's long-range communications.
Maj. Carter: Understandable.
Teal'c: Indeed. For some.

New Order, Part 2 [8.2][edit]

Dr. Weir: Oh, I'm not sure anything can surprise me at this point.
Camulus: I wish to request asylum.
Dr. Weir: Well, it seems I was wrong again.

Dr. Jackson: What's the last thing you remember?
Col. O'Neill: Getting my head sucked by one of those dang... Ancient... head suckers...And something about twins.

[O'Neill regains consciousness, realizing Teal'c is no longer bald]
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c. What's with the hair?
Thor: O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: Thor. You got aspirin?
Thor: You should feel better momentarily, and your memory will slowly return.
[Pause]
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c. What's with the hair?

Col. O'Neill: Sweet. What is it?
Dr. Jackson: We don't know, you made it.
Col. O'Neill: No.
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: No.
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: No.
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Thor: You accessed the Ancient knowledge in your mind and instructed the ship's computer to design it.
Col. O'Neill: Doesn't mean I know what it is.
Dr. Jackson: You have to try, Jack.
[O'Neill looks uncertain, then approaches the weapon. He looks at it from several angles, then pokes at it uncertainly.]
Col. O'Neill: [After a moment, as though comprehension has struck him] Ah!
[O'Neill turns to the others]
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, I got nothin'.

[O'Neill is mowing down Replicators with his new weapon]
Col. O'Neill: Who's your daddy!

Dr Weir: The Pentagon has convinced the President that there is one man who could run the SGC and make it politically viable from an international perspective, despite the fact that he is part of the American military establishment.
Col. O'Neill: Do we know this ... shrub?
Dr. Weir: Well, you know him rather well ... Brigadier General Jack O’Neill.
Col. O'Neill: [Stunned] Me?!
Dr. Weir: Yeah, you.
Col. O'Neill: Brigadier ... it’s on my list.
Dr. Weir: Congratulations.
Col. O'Neill: I should be clear... I like the promotion, paycheck and the parking spot. But I don’t really wanna be in charge of anything. No.

Col. O'Neill: I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the Man. If I do this, I'll be the Man. I don't think I can be the Man.

Maj. Carter: If you don’t take the job, we could end up with someone much worse. [Jack looks at her] Ok... that didn’t come out right...

Lockdown [8.3][edit]

[O'Neill has recently been promoted to Brigadier General. When he walks into the room, Carter snaps to attention]
Gen. O'Neill: I'm only going to say this once, Carter: At ease.

Dr. Jackson: So, how's the new job?
Gen. O'Neill: Oy! One crisis after another. This morning the mess got a shipment of Yukon Gold potatoes instead of the usual Russets.
Dr. Jackson: [sarcastic] No!
Gen. O'Neill: Oh, yes! The Golds don't make for good mash. Consistency's all wrong.
Lt. Col. Carter: I hear the new Russian Colonel came to see you, made a pitch to join SG-1.
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah.
Dr. Jackson: What'd you say?
Gen. O'Neill: Told 'em to make french fries instead.

[Col. Vaselov, a Russian recruit for the SGC, is insulted when O'Neill denies his request to join SG-1]
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, don't take General O'Neill's decision personally.
Col. Vaselov: Frankly, his attitude is offensive. It leads me to wonder if he knows the cold war is over.
Dr. Jackson: His attitude has nothing to do with you being Russian. He's an equal opportunity offender.

Lt. Col. Carter: Did you notice anything peculiar about him, sir?
Gen. O'Neill: I thought it odd he was shooting up the Gate room.

Teal'c: And your condition?
Col. Vaselov: Not so good. But not so bad as the time I went drinking with Gen. Daskaivitch in Novgorod. That was worse headache.

Dr. Jackson: Who shot me?!
[O'Neill exchanges very uncomfortable looks with Carter and Teal'c]
Gen. O'Neill: You were shooting up the Gate room...

Gen. O'Neill: You're not supposed to be walking around.
Dr. Jackson: It's my arm.
Gen. O'Neill: You were shot.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah. You shot me.
Gen. O'Neill: Not my point.

Col. Vaselov: Are you being discharged?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, Dr. Brightman caught me stealing jello from the other patients' trays, so she kicked me outta here.

Gen. O'Neill: He can pass through walls, Carter. He's welcome to leave any time.

[O'Neill has collapsed at the foot of the Gate's ramp]
Gen. O'Neill: I'm okay! ...ish.

Zero Hour [8.4][edit]

Gen. O'Neill: WALTER!
Sgt. Harriman: Sorry, sir. General O'Neill, Mark Gilmore. He's your new administrative aide.
Gilmore: General.
Gen. O'Neill: Did I order one of this--
Sgt. Harriman: [answers quickly before the question is finished] No, sir.
Gen. O'Neill: Do I really need--
Sgt. Harriman: Yes, sir.

Gilmore: [regarding Jack] Well, he's not like other generals.
Sgt. Harriman: Actually, he's not like other people.

Lt. Col. Carter: General.
Gen. O'Neill: Colonel! We've all met.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, actually, we know each other's life stories.
Gen. O'Neill: That snippiness?
Dr. Jackson: Is that a word?

[Regarding the alien plant that's taken over a lab]
Dr. Lee: Well, the good news is, it hasn't eaten anybody yet.
Gen. O'Neill: [sarcastically] Well, thank you, Seymour.

Ba'al: You have one day
Gen. O'Neill: Is that like one earth day, or...?

Ba'al: You dare mock me?
Gen. O'Neill: Ba'al, come on! You should know. Of course I dare mock you.
Ba'al: You have one more day. [Ba'al's hologram disappears]
Gilmore: Is it really wise to provoke him?
Gen. O'Neill: It's what I do.

Dr. Lee: Gamma radiation seems to work. We're preparing a method of delivering a strong enough level to the entire base all at once. Now, non-essential personnels are gonna have to be evacuated, everyone else's gonna have to wear protective suits. You have to get General O'Neill to sign off on this right away.
Gilmore: You know he hasn't slept in over two days.
Dr. Lee: Yeah, that's why I'm asking you to do it.
Gilmore: Right.

Gen. O'Neill: When you couldn't figure out what the Ancient device was for, you tampered with the power source so nobody else could.
Camulus: I did nothing of the kind.
Gen. O'Neill: Cammy...
Camulus:...Worth a try.

Icon [8.5][edit]

[Jackson has requested to go back to a planet with an unstable political situation]
Gen. O'Neill: Regular contact, no exceptions. The second things start gettin' a little squirrelly—
Dr. Jackson: [walking away] Thank you.
Gen. O'Neill: Daniel! Squirrelly!

Avatar [8.6][edit]

Dr. Lee: Well, I mean, we can input the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual’s consciousness with the chair’s matrix.
Gen. O'Neill: Carter, all I heard was "matrix" and I found those films quite confusing.

Lt. Col. Carter: Sir, you may have done it again.
Gen. O'Neill: Yes. How did I do it this time?

Dr. Carmichael: Which would mean that there's a good chance that the second player could be trapped along with Teal'c.
O'Neill, Jackson, and Carter: [in unison] I'll do it.

Gen. O'Neill: How was it? Was it any fun?
Teal'c: Indeed. You died well in battle, O'Neill.
Gen. O'Neill: Obviously, there's something defective with this thing.

[after the failsafe doesn't work]
Gen. O'Neill: I thought a failsafe was meant to be somewhat safe from failure.

Affinity [8.7][edit]


[Teal'c has just prevented three thugs from beating someone they just rear-ended in a traffic accident caused by the thug]
Teal'c: This is unlawful behaviour.
Thug: Who the hell are you?
Teal'c: Collision procedure dictates that you exchange insurance information and if necessary notify the police.
Thug: What?!
[The thug attacks Teal'c, who then proceeds to single-handedly defeat all three assailants]
Teal'c: I believe it will now be necessary to notify the police.

Dr. Jackson: [admiring Teal'c's apartment] Wow! I like what you're doing with the place. Sort of…Jaffa chic with an East African flair.

Dr. Jackson: How's the fern? [Teal'c gestures to a very sad, withered fern on a shelf] I don't suppose you've tried talking to it, have you?
Teal'c: [Looking concerned] I have not.

Lt. Col. Carter: [ranting to Daniel and Teal'c] They make you afraid of being alone but at the same time tell you not to settle for anything less than the perfect romantic ideal, like that actually exists anywhere in the real world. Either way, you can't win.
Dr. Jackson: [to Sam, innocently] How's things?
Lt. Col. Carter: Good. We were talking about Teal'c's friend, right?
Dr. Jackson: I thought we were.

Teal'c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Dr. Jackson: And if that doesn't work?
Teal'c: A weapon is required.

Gen. O'Neill: [to Carter] I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words: I need that report.

Gen. O'Neill: [to Carter] You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me.

Covenant [8.8][edit]

Alec Colson: Two o'clock, we go live. With the pictures, pieces of the alien ship, everything we've got.
Vogler: Alec! They tried to kill us!
Alec Colson: You think that didn't work in our favor?
Vogler: Dying doesn't work in our favor!

Sacrifices [8.9][edit]

[As O'Neill and Jackson walk down the hall, Jackson finishes up a long, involved explanation of Jaffa-Goa'uld politics. O'Neill has a blank look on his face]
Gen. O'Neill: What was my question again?
Dr. Jackson: Um, "how's it going?"
Gen. O'Neill: [absently] Seemed so innocuous at the time.

[Teal'c and Bra'tac have returned through the Stargate]
Gen. O'Neill: So, how was the trip?
Teal'c: [walking away] I have been betrayed by those I trusted most.
Gen. O'Neill: That good, huh?
Bra'tac: His mood is foul indeed.

Jack O'Neill: They want a what?
Sam Carter: A goat, sir.
Jack O'Neill: You can tell them that lamb is far less gamy.
Sam Carter: They want it for a ritual sacrifice.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, well you can tell them that's not going to happen.
Sam Carter: Yeah, I was hoping you were going to say that.
Jack O'Neill: They can have a piñata. That's always fun.

Gen. O'Neill: Look, T, I'm not gonna tell you how to raise your kid, but I've always found that sticking your fingers in your ears and humming loudly solves a whole slew of problems.

[Dr. Jackson is attempting to calm the outraged Jaffa when Bra'tac and O'Neill enter]
Bra'tac: Silence!
Gen. O'Neill: Thank you. Now, Daniel, what's going on here?
[The Jaffa resume their shouting]
Bra'tac: Silence!
Gen. O'Neill: I said, "Daniel".

Bra'tac: [to the newly married Rya'c and Ka'ryn] May you love and fight like warriors. Just not with each other.

Bra'tac: [after Ka'ryn and Ry'ac abruptly end their wedding rehearsal] I can see why one must rehearse these ceremonies... [he quaffs the ceremonial wine from the rehearsal]

Endgame [8.10][edit]

Dr. Jackson: They'll never see it coming.
Gen. O'Neill: Which is one of the advantages of a totally insane idea.
Dr. Jackson: [innocently] Yeah, where'd I learn that from?

Dr. Jackson: Wait, you mean the Asgard took our gate?
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah, normally they ask nicely before they ignore us and do whatever they damn well want.

Dr. Jackson: [staring down at the gate-less gate room] Man, I'd hate to be the one that has to explain that to the President.
[O'Neill, standing next to him, turns and glares]

Gemini [8.11][edit]

RepliCarter: My name is Samantha Carter.
Gen. O'Neill: All right, we've got a little conflict with that statement. We've already got one here.
RepliCarter: There are two of us.
Gen. O'Neill: [to himself] If only.

RepliCarter: You have untapped greatness inside you, Sam, but you're limited by your own fears. You play by the rules, you do as you're told and you deny yourself your own desires.
Lt. Col. Carter: I have no desire to rule the galaxy, believe me.
RepliCarter: All humans desire power. It's just that most of them are never in a position to attain it.

Prometheus Unbound [8.12][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Come on, Jack!
Gen. O'Neill: Still no, Daniel.
Dr. Jackson: But it doesn't have to be on a permanent basis!
Gen. O'Neill: I didn't let you go in the first place. What makes you think I'm gonna change my mind?
Dr. Jackson: Because.
Gen. O'Neill: Can you try to do better than that?
Dr. Jackson: Because they're going to need somebody who can translate Ancient. I'm the most qualified person left on the planet for the mission.
Gen. O'Neill: Which is exactly why you're gonna stay right here.
Dr. Jackson: [desperately] Because I'll quit!
Gen. O'Neill: Why don't you just hold your breath? You haven't done that in a while.

[Jack and Daniel are arguing over Daniel going to Atlantis and find General Hammond in Jack's chair in his office.]
Gen. O'Neill: General!
Gen. Hammond: Jack. I let myself in, hope you don't mind.
Gen. O'Neill: Absolutely not! Welcome.
Gen. Hammond: Thank you.
Gen. O'Neill: Miss the chair?
Gen. Hammond: Actually I do.
Gen. O'Neill: Want it back?
Gen. Hammond: As a matter of fact I do. My new one just isn't the same.
Gen. O'Neill: That's not exactly what I meant...
Gen. Hammond: Doctor Jackson. Nice to see you again.
Daniel: Likewise. We miss you around here, sir. [Jack gives him an angry stare] So, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Gen. Hammond: I came to see if you were interested in joining the mission to Atlantis.
Gen. O'Neill & Daniel: You did?
Gen. Hammond: He's the most qualified person on this planet, and the mission commander needs someone who can translate Ancient.
Daniel: Really?
Gen. O'Neill: With all due respect, sir, I think you should tell the mission commander that I need Daniel right here.
Gen. Hammond: You just did.
Gen. O'Neill: I did. I did? [pauses] You, sir?
Gen. Hammond: Yes. Request denied. Doctor Jackson, you're with me. I'll have this chair shipped to Washington. You can requisition a new one.
Gen. O'Neill: I'll do that, sir.
Gen. Hammond: We leave tomorrow. Oh, and I'll be taking Walter, too.
[Hammond leaves, while O'Neill wears the expression of one who has no idea what just happened]

[A Kull warrior has taken over the Prometheus, and has Jackson tied to the captain's chair.]
Dr. Jackson: Where's everybody else?
Kull Warrior: I transported them onto the al'kesh.
Dr. Jackson: Well, you kept the wrong guy, 'cause I don't know anything about the ship.
Kull Warrior: But you are very attractive.
Dr. Jackson: [coughs in shock] What?
[The warrior moves in front of Daniel and straddles his legs]
Dr. Jackson: [trying to squirm away] Hey, you know, big guy, I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I might be yours.

Vala: [in pain] Oh, oh, oh, you hit me!
Dr. Jackson: You hit me.
Vala: Yeah, you know, we could just have sex instead.

[Vala wakes up in the Prometheus holding cell, dressed in SGC fatigues instead of her zat-resistant bodysuit]
Vala: Did you have fun taking off my clothes?
Dr. Jackson: It was your idea.
Vala: No, I meant while I was conscious. You know, so I could distract you and kick you in the head.

Vala: Come on, you've seen me naked. The least you could do is cook me dinner.

Dr. Jackson: Uh, the name's Olo. Hans Olo.

It's Good to Be King [8.13][edit]

Maybourne: I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.

Maybourne: I guess congratulations are in order. You made general.
Gen. O'Neill: You made king!

[The team fetches O'Neill to operate the Ancient time ship. He sits down and looks around.]
Gen. O'Neill: You're gonna have to help me out here, Carter. Got any quarters?

Garan: Surrender your weapons, or die where you stand!
Gen. O'Neill: Oh, if I had a nickel...

[A tense standoff with the local inhabitants has just been defused.]
Gen. O'Neill: God, I miss goin' off world!

[Teal'c and Daniel have been captured by Trelak, the head of Ares' Jaffa.]
Trelak: Know this, shol'va; I will see to it that you suffer slowly.
Teal'c: And I will see to it that you die quickly.
[Later, Teal'c fights Trelak and ends it by sticking a dagger in his gut.]
Trelak: [last breath] You are a man of your word.
Teal'c: Indeed. [shoves the knife in deeper and walks away before Trelak even hits the ground]

Full Alert [8.14][edit]

[Kinsey offers O'Neill his help]
Gen. O'Neill: I'm sorry. I must have missed an episode.

Gen. O'Neill: Five bucks says Carter has a theory.

Citizen Joe [8.15][edit]

Lt. Col. Carter: So, any big plans for the weekend?
Gen. O'Neill: Oh yeah, big. Huge!
Lt. Col. Carter: Yeah, me neither.
Gen. O'Neill: Oh, what are you talkin' about? I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelettes.
Lt. Col. Carter: World-famous, huh? What's in it?
Gen. O'Neill: Eggs.
Lt. Col. Carter: I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
Gen. O'Neill: Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.
Lt. Col. Carter: It's beer, isn't it?

Gordie: Furlings. They sound cute, like Ewoks.

Gordie: [reading a letter] See, I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.
Bert: [reading another letter] They rejected "Hathor"?! Oh, but it was gold!

Gen O'Neill: Look, I can see this isn't really your forte... so why don't you just put the gun down, before you get hurt.
Joe Spencer: Just don't come any closer!
Gen O'Neill: I know your gun isn't real... however... mine is! [he draws his gun and points it at Joe]
Joe Spencer: Oh God! I'm sorry I'm sorry you're right it's just a toy!

Joe Spencer: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy. Burns as Goa'uld.
Gen. O'Neill: Thank you!

Dr. Jackson: Jack?
Gen. O'Neill: He's a barber.
Dr. Jackson: Broke into your house?
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah...
Dr. Jackson: Second week in a row.
Gen. O'Neill: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Jackson: Alarm.
Gen. O'Neill: I'm thinking "dog".
Joe Spencer: You could try locking your front door.

Joe Spencer: [to Teal'c] I know the hair makes you look different, but didn't you used to be more gold colored?

Lt. Col. Carter: If General O'Neill had a stone as well shouldn't he've been able to see aspects of his life?
Dr. Jackson: Theoretically, yes he should.
[we see flashes of Joe at a bowling alley. He rolls a strike]
Gen. O'Neill: ...Thursday nights... Bowling League...
Joe Spencer: You saw that?
Gen. O'Neill: You've got game son.
Dr. Jackson: Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years, and you never mentioned it?
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.
Lt. Col. Carter: No, no, you didn't, sir.
Gen. O'Neill: I didn't?
Dr. Jackson: You didn't find it the least bit odd?
Gen. O'Neill: Actually no. I found it quite relaxing.

Reckoning, Part 1 [8.16][edit]

Oshu: Lord Ba'al was wise to send a representative.
Yu: I would have killed him with my own hands!

Dr. Jackson: The odds aren't exactly in our favor.
Teal'c: They never are, Daniel Jackson.

Gen. O'Neill: Jacob!
Jacob: Jack, we've got a problem. We need to talk.
Gen. O'Neill: Hi! Hello. How are ya? Long time, no see. What's doing? What's up? Hey, buddy!
Jacob: I'm sorry, Jack. It's good to see you again. Congratulations on your promotion.
Gen. O'Neill: Thanks.
Jacob: You deserve it.
Gen. O'Neill: Yes. Well... What's up?
Jacob: The Replicators. They've launched an all out attack on the Goa'uld. If the Goa'uld can't find a way to stop them, the Replicators will easily overrun our galaxy, in a matter of weeks.
Gen. O'Neill: Why didn't you say so?
[Jacob gives O'Neill a look and walks off]
Gen. O'Neill: [after a pause, hurrying after Jacob] I'm sorry. You said we have a problem, not a big galactic emergency.

Gen. O'Neill: [holding up a Tok'ra receiver used to track down Goa'uld fleet] You know, we could have used something like this a long time ago.
Jacob: The High Council never thought they could trust you with it.
Gen. O'Neill: What changed their mind?
Jacob: Nothing. They don't know I took it.
Gen. O'Neill: Ah.
Jacob: My relationship with the council is still a little strained.
Gen. O'Neill: It's not going to get any better if you keep stealing stuff.
[Jacob gives O'Neill a look]
Gen. O'Neill: No complaints! I'll take anything I can get: Weapons, receivers, silverware...

[About Thor]
Gen. O'Neill: Don't be afraid to remind him that we've saved his cute little grey bum several times.

Gen. O'Neill: [smugly] My, this is an occasion. You know that bitter taste in your throat? It's kind of wrapped around your uvula? That's what's left of your pride.

Walter:Sir we are reciving a message from Thor. He said he is ready to transport...
[Sam is beamed out]
Jack:You were saying?
Walter:Never mind

Gen. O'Neill: I've got a better idea, instead of helping you, why don't we sit around and watch you get your ass kicked? [grinning] That way you'll be dead, and we'll be glad.
Ba'al: You cannot be serious.
Gen. O'Neill: Yes, I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.
Ba'al: With your insolence you're dooming not just your world but all of humanity.
Gen. O'Neill: I think big.

[Harriman and Siler are in the gate room, standing at the bottom of the ramp, on which stands a hologram of an obviously-impatient Ba'al]
Sgt. Harriman: I'm sure he'll be here any second now. [awkward pause] So umm…
Gen. O'Neill: I am so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.
Ba'al: Impudence.
Gen. O'Neill: No, tuna.

Gen. O'Neill: Oh, please don't tell me.
Ba'al: Anubis.
Gen. O'Neill: I asked you not to tell me.

Reckoning, Part 2 [8.17][edit]

[RepliCarter is probing Daniel's mind]
RepliCarter: It would be much easier on both of us if you did not resist.
Dr. Jackson: Why, why, why, why, in the wide world of all things rational and sane, would I help you?

RepliCarter: Do you really think that I am that different from Samantha Carter?
Dr. Jackson: In that you're a replicator bent on galactic domination at the expense of all living things.

Jacob: Come on, Sam. It can't be any harder than blowing up a sun.
Lt. Col. Carter: You know, you blow up one sun and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water.
[What they are attempting suddenly works.]
Lt. Col. Carter: Next up, parting the Red Sea!

Lt. Col. Carter: Well, we have no idea how this Ancient device works or what the effects will be, but since Anubis has no real corporeal form it's likely he would survive it.
Jacob: He'll have no one left to rule.
Lt. Col. Carter: For now. Time may not even be an issue for someone like him. He could essentially start over, re-populate the galaxy to his own specifications.
Gen. O'Neill: A little ambitious.

RepliCarter: I could help you. We could unlock the knowledge of the Ancients, the secrets of the Universe, together.
Dr. Jackson: I have to admit it does sound interesting... On the other hand you're an evil killing machine so no, pass.

[Replicator Carter has been trying to tap into Dr. Jackson's subconscious]
Dr. Jackson: You can't handle it, can you?
RepliCarter: I can. I just need time to process...share it with the others...
Dr. Jackson: Like the universe, it's infinite. It's not just knowledge and information; it's understanding on a level that you will never reach.
RepliCarter: Why do you think that?
Dr. Jackson: Because you're a machine.
RepliCarter: So are you; just of weaker construction.
Dr. Jackson: And that's where you're wrong.

[Discovering that Jackson has been probing her mind, RepliCarter tries to disengage. Jackson catches her hand.]
Dr. Jackson: Trying to leave? Sorry. A little more time in Danny's world.
RepliCarter: [angrily] My brethren will not stop. You cannot control them.
Dr. Jackson: Not yet, but I'm learning.

[Col. Reynolds has just attached a C-4 charge to a blast door]
Gen. O'Neill: Use two of those things.
Col. Reynolds: Sir?
Gen. O'Neill: [using quotation fingers] It's a "blast" door!

[After setting off C4 to destroy a blast door trapping Siler and five other men]
Gen. O'Neill: Siler?
Sgt. Siler: Thank you, sir.
Gen. O'Neill: I expect to be put in your will.
Sgt. Siler: Already in it, sir.
Gen. O'Neill: Okay, that's… weird.

Lt. Col. Carter: Oh, I heard from Thor.
Gen. O'Neill: How's he doing?
Lt. Col. Carter: Great. He sends us all his congratulations and says that he'll drop by for a visit as soon as his consciousness has been downloaded from the ship's computer into a new body.
Gen. O'Neill: That just never gets old, does it?

Threads [8.18][edit]

[Jackson has been missing for a week, and Carter thinks he ought to be declared MIA. O'Neill refuses.]
Gen. O'Neill: All we know for sure is that he's missing.
Lt. Col. Carter: Sooner or later --
Gen. O'Neill: Forget it! I'm not fallin' for it this time.
Lt. Col. Carter: "Falling for it"?
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah! How many times have you thought he was gone, and then he shows up, in one form or another? I'm sorry, but we're not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead. [to the room] You hear that? I'm not buyin' it!
[They look around the empty room. Carter is exasperated]
Gen. O'Neill: What? He's just waitin' for us to say a bunch of nice things about him. Next thing you know, he'll come waltzin' through that door, [gestures at the closed door] like, right now.
[O'Neill and Carter both look at the door, O'Neill hopefully and Carter skeptically.]
Gen. O'Neill: Waltzing… now.
[Nothing happens.]

Lt. Col. Carter: Dad, this is Pete.
Pete: [shocked] Dad?
Jacob: Not quite yet. You have to actually marry my daughter before you can call me that.

Pete: You really got one of those things in your head?
Jacob: If by one of those things, you mean a 2000 year old Tok'ra symbiote, yes.
Pete: Seriously. Come on. That has got to freak you right out sometimes. It's weird.
[Pete grins at Jacob. Jacob gives Sam a questioning look, she looks awkward in response]

[In an Ascended-plane "waffle house", "waitress" Oma chats with Daniel.]
Dr. Jackson: Menus?
Oma Desala: We don't need them here; just order what you'd like.
Dr. Jackson: Okay. I'll have the truth with a side-order of clarity, please.
Oma Desala: The replicator version of Sam was in your head, trying to access the knowledge buried in your subconscious, but you gained control of her instead. She killed you to stop you. That's where I stepped in. How's that?
Dr. Jackson: Pretty clear.
Oma Desala: Well, we aim to please! Customer comes first, you know!

Lt. Col. Carter: It's been two hours since Pete left. You haven't said a word.
Jacob: I did so.
Lt. Col. Carter: "He seems nice?"
Jacob: I believe that's three words.

Gen. O'Neill: So, we're all in agreement. One way or another, it's gotta go. Correct?
Teal'c: Indeed
Gen. O'Neill: Thank you
Bra'tac: If you are suggesting we destroy this device against the wishes of the High Council, I must point out that would not be a good first step in relations between the Tau'ri and the newly formed Free Jaffa Nation.
Gen. O'Neill: [to Jacob] Why don't you do it? They already hate the Tok'ra.

Jim: What do I have to do to get a coffee around here?
Oma Desala: [sharply] Find true enlightenment.

Dr. Jackson: Can you tell me why you stopped me from killing Anubis the last time I was Ascended?
Oma Desala: Because if I didn't stop you, the others would have, and they wouldn't have been as nice about it.
Dr. Jackson: You mean, they wouldn't have erased my memory and left me naked on a planet?
Oma Desala: That was your choice.
[He gives her a look. She grins.]
Oma Desala: Okay. Maybe not the naked part.

Lt. Col. Carter: Thank you, sir.
Gen. O'Neill: For what?
Lt. Col. Carter: For being here for me.
Gen. O'Neill: Always.

[Jackson, alive and well, suddenly appears in O'Neill's office, stark naked.]
Dr. Jackson: It's, uh, a long story.

[SG-1 is fishing at O'Neill's cabin]
Lt. Col. Carter: This is great.
Gen. O'Neill: I told you.
Lt. Col. Carter: I can't believe we didn't do this years ago.
Gen. O'Neill: Well, lets not dwell.
Lt. Col. Carter:...There are no fish in this pond, are there?
Gen. O'Neill: Nope.

Moebius, Part 1 [8.19][edit]

[Workers are delivering stacks of boxes to Jackson's lab, much to his surprise]
Dr. Jackson: Jack?
Gen. O'Neill: Daniel.
Dr. Jackson: What's goin' on?
Gen. O'Neill: [as he receives a clipboard from Siler] You been shoppin' online lately?
Dr. Jackson: What are you talkin' about?
Gen. O'Neill: [as he hands clipboard to Daniel] Well, you've got a little delivery here.
Dr. Jackson: [looks at clipboard] It's from Catherine's estate.
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah – kinda looks like she sent the whole thing.
Dr. Jackson: [as he enters his office] Holy ... buckets! Looks like her entire collection!
Gen. O'Neill: [pats Daniel on the shoulder] I prefer stamps.

[Dr. Balinsky is enthusiastically showing rocks to a clearly bored O'Neill.]
Dr. Balinsky: Now, in addition, we discovered several grains of troilite and a mesostasis phase which contained micrometer crystals.
Gen. O'Neill: Hmm.
Dr. Balinsky: Now it's undergoing further testing, but we hope to have the results on your desk first thing tomorrow morning.
Gen. O'Neill: [sarcastic] Don't you keep me waiting!
Dr. Balinsky: [missing the sarcasm] No, sir! Now here's where things get really interesting, because you will notice in this fissure—
[Dr. Jackson runs into the room]
Dr. Jackson: Jack! We need—we need to talk. Oh, sorry for interrupting.
Gen. O'Neill: [desperately grabbing Jackson's arm] No, it's okay! If it's important, you must interrupt. You must!

Dr. Jackson: We don't know where it is now. But we do know where it was... Giza, 3000 B.C.
Lt. Col. Carter: [shaking her head] You can't be serious.
Gen. O'Neill: What?
Dr. Jackson: It's the only way.
Gen. O'Neill: What?
Lt. Col. Carter: No, we agreed
Gen. O'Neill: If I have to say "what" one more time, heads are gonna roll!
Dr. Jackson: We have a time machine. We can go back and get the ZPM.
Gen. O'Neill: She wouldn't let me go back and watch the Cubs win the World Series.

[After arriving in Ancient Egypt c. 3000 B.C.]
Dr. Jackson: [excitedly] I can't believe I'm finally gonna prove that the Great Pyramids predate the 4th dynasty.
Lt. Col. Carter: So, what are you gonna do? Stand in the picture holding a newspaper with today's date?

Lt. Col. Carter: I'm sorry, I keep thinking I'm gonna step on a bug and change the future.

[Teal'c has disguised himself as one of Ra's Jaffa in order to steal the ZPM from Ra's treasure room]
Gen. O'Neill: Do you really think they're just going to let him waltz in and take it?
Dr. Jackson: Like I said, they don't even know what a ZPM is. To them it's like any number of dozens of ritualistic objects they pull out for any number of occasions. Besides, he's wearing the shiny suit.

[In an alternate time line, Carter is practicing what she wants to say to her male boss.]
Alt. Dr. Carter: Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't— God that's horrible! Who would ever say that?

[In an alternate time line, Daniel Jackson teaches English as a second language.]
Alt. Dr. Jackson: Okay, uh, let's start with a simple greeting. Often the best way to begin interacting with someone is to find a topic of common interest. Everyone can relate to the weather, so let's start with that, shall we? Introduce yourself... and talk about the weather.
[A student raises his hand.]
Alt. Dr. Jackson: [pointing at the student] Yes.
Carlos: [standing up] Hello, my name is Carlos. You make me so hot.
[pause]
Alt. Dr. Jackson: [smiling uncomfortably] Okay, uh, not quite right, but the introduction part was good.

Moebius, Part 2 [8.20][edit]

Alt. Gen. Hammond: Okay, people. Let me remind you. This mission is recon only. Do not engage the enemy. I'm allowing the use of this ship because of the obvious tactical advantage it provides you. Under no circumstances is it to be used to travel through time. (beat) Never in my life did I imagine ever giving that order.

Alt. Dr. Jackson: Wait a minute. I thought the reason we brought the ship was so we didn't have to walk.
Alt. Dr. Carter: We can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Meaning shut up.

[In the alternate time line, Daniel Jackson is brought before Apophis.]
Alt. Teal'c: He claims he is of the Tau'ri.
Alt. Dr. Jackson: [to Teal'c] You weren't supposed to tell him that.
Alt. Apophis: The Tau'ri have no Chappa'ai.
Alt. Dr. Jackson: Oh, sorry, guess I was wrong. I'm sure your information is correct. In fact, I'm usually quite wrong—quite unreliable, actually. To be honest with you, I'm insane.
Alt. Apophis: Speak!

Alt. Apophis: I think there is much you can tell me.
Alt. Dr. Jackson: Well, if you wanna know about the early settlers of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert—

Alt. Col. O'Neill: [hands a gun to Dr. Jackson] Safety off, point and shoot.
[Jackson points gun towards O'Neill]
Alt. Col. O'Neill: [pushes gun away] Not at me.
Alt. Dr. Carter: [grimacing as she's being handed a gun] I don't really like guns.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] Neither do I. How do you feel about explosives?
Alt. Dr. Carter: [brightening] Those I like a little better.

[Versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have traveled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C., where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]
Dr. Jackson: Well, this can't be a good sign.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Why's that?
Dr. Jackson: Where am I?
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Ancient Egypt?
Dr. Jackson: No, I mean the me from your time line.
Alt. Teal'c: I killed you.
Dr. Jackson: Why?
Alt. Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld spy.
Dr. Jackson: A good reason.
Alt. Dr. Carter: It was horrible!
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Yes, excellent question.
Dr. Jackson: You don't know?
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realized I... didn't.
Dr. Jackson: Well, I know why I'm here.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Good. Let's start there.

[Testing to see if the cloak works]
Alt. Col. O'Neill: So what do I do?
Alt. Dr. Carter: Umm, try thinking invisible.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Okay. [pause] How do we know if it's working?
Alt. Dr. Carter: [walked outside the ship] Nope.

Alt. Dr. Carter: I'm working on it. I think the power relay was overloaded. I may be able to reroute the circuit to the control interface… [realizes O'Neill is staring at her] What?
Alt. Col. O'Neill: It's just a little weird hearin' that kind of stuff come out of someone so…
Alt. Dr. Carter: [a little defensively] So what?
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Hot.
Alt. Dr. Carter: [coughs in surprise] Really?
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
Alt. Dr. Carter: Wow. Uh, it's just you… you're not the kind of guy that I usually attract.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: No?
Alt. Dr. Carter: No. Huh. God. Wow! This is kinda awkward.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Yeah, it's gettin' there.
Alt. Dr. Carter: I'm kind of attracted to… Daniel.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: What? [pause] Really?
Alt. Dr. Carter: Sorry.
Alt. Col. O'Neill: No, that's okay, no problem there. It's just, you know… First impressions, I kinda thought he was… [tries unsuccessful hand-gestures] Never mind.

Alt. Dr. Carter: Look, if we don't make it? [grabs O'Neill and kisses him firmly]
Alt. Col. O'Neill: Wait a minute. You said you liked Daniel!
Alt. Dr. Carter: I lied. I just wanted to get to know you better. You see, usually I'm a very cautious person and I tend to think things—
[O'Neill silences her with a kiss]

[The restored SG-1 is at O'Neill's cabin, fishing. The scene is exactly as it was at the end of 8.18, 'Threads']
Lt. Col. Carter: This is great.
Gen. O'Neill: I told you.
Lt. Col. Carter: I can't believe we didn't do this years ago.
Gen. O'Neill: Well, lets not dwell.
[A fish jumps in the pond]
Lt. Col. Carter: ...Didn't that tape say there were no fish in your pond?
Gen. O'Neill: Close enough.



Season 9[edit]

Avalon Part 1 [9.1][edit]

Dave: Eighty-seven mission hours to thirty-two alien planets. Front-line ground combat on four different occasions.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I was hoping you could tell me something about yourself... something personal.
Dave: People call me "Dave."
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: It says here that's your name.
Dave: Yes.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [to Daniel] Look, the tablet is written in Ancient code, right? I know it's not the lost city of Atlantis we're looking for here, but whatever it is could be worth finding. Or you're just going to have to marry that chick.
Vala: Yeah! Let's make babies! [She grins widely at Daniel]

Vala: Try playing hard to get.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Man, look who's talking.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [to Vala] Ladies first.
Vala: [to Daniel] Well then, after you.

[SG-1 rings into the empty caves]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Wicked!...and empty.
Vala: I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.

Vala: You should give me a weapon.
Dr. Jackson: Nope.
Vala: There could be some sort of icky creature down here left behind to protect the treasure.
Dr. Jackson: For hundreds of years?
Vala: Some sort of stasis or hibernation. What if it senses our presence and awakens hungry for human flesh?
Dr. Jackson: That doesn't quite sound like the Ancients' style.
Vala: Still...
Dr. Jackson: I'm sure if there is a monster down here, it's going to be much more scared of you than you are of it. Especially once it gets to know you.

[a hologram of Merlin appears]
Merlin: Welcome, ye knights of the round table, men of honor, followers of the path of righteousness. Only those with wealth of knowledge and truth of spirit shall be given access to the underworld, the storehouse of riches of Ambrosius Aurelianus. Prove ye worthy, and all shall be revealed.
Dr. Jackson: That's incredible. Certain scholars have speculated that Ambrosius and Arthur were one and the same, but that would have made him 74 years old at the Battle of Mount Badon. It's actually quite fascinating. See, Ambrosius was the son of the Emperor Constantine—
Vala: [dismissive] Yes, yes, yes. "Fascinating" is the one thing it's not. How do we "prove ye worthy" and get "all to be revealed"?
Dr. Jackson: I have no idea, but something tells me truth of spirit may be a bit of a problem for you.
Vala: [defensively] You know nothing about me!
Dr. Jackson: Because everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Don't make me separate you two.

Dr. Jackson: If you immediately know the candlelight is fire…
Vala: Huh?
Dr. Jackson: Nothing.
Vala: Hmmm…

Dr. Jackson: This pot says 'The universe is infinite.'
Vala: That seems infinitely useless; what does this one say?
Dr. Jackson: 'The treasure is in this pot.'
Vala: Really? I was hoping for something a little more substantial, but okay.
Dr. Jackson: Wait, wait, wait!
Vala: Too obvious?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, man! Bullets bounce!

General Landry: A general is only as good as the people he commands.
General O'Neill: Who said that?
General Landry: I just did.
[O'Neill looks at Landry doubtfully]
General Landry: I mean, Douglas MacArthur may have said something similar.

Vala: Well. Don't you all have me surrounded.
General Landry: Welcome to the SGC. I'm General Landry.
Vala: Vala. Vala Mal Doran. Thank you so much for the lovely greeting party. We all had a wonderful time searching each other, didn't we, boys?

Vala: You ever heard of the Go'auld Nut?
Dr. Jackson: As in... cashew? Pea-...? [off Vala's look] Oh, you mean the Egyptian sky goddess.
Vala: Yes.
Dr. Jackson: No, never heard of her.
Vala: These were her ceremonial marriage bracelets. She would affix them to herself and her husband of the moment.
Dr. Jackson: "Of the moment".
Vala: Yes, she had many. One of the few admirable traits about her.

Avalon Part 2 [9.2][edit]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book.

Dr. Jackson: [to Landry] I mean, isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't it so we can go out and meet new races? Gather advanced technology? Possibly learn about ourselves in the process?
Vala: Oh, come on. You do it to meet women.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [also to Landry] She has a point, sir.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So any one of us can take the pony ride?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, and I figured that was going to be me. I mean, I did miss the Daedalus for this, so...
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You're going to dine out on that for a while?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, yeah, like you wouldn't believe.

[regarding the book]
Dr. Jackson: It says here the Alterans named their new home Avalon and built many Astria Porta.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Stargates?
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Vala: I thought the Ancients built the Stargates.
Dr. Jackson: Well, it stands to reason that they didn't always call themselves the Ancients.

[The villagers are about to burn Vala to death]
Dr. Jackson: What the hell did you say?!
Vala: I think at first it's what I didn't say. You see, apparently there's a blessing you're supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it's what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation... with herself.

[Vala has just been revived after being burned to death, and is crying in Daniel's arms]
Vala: I've got tingles all over. And don't flatter yourself, I'm pretty sure it's not you.

Origin [9.3][edit]

Vala: If the Ori are so powerful, why do they need people to spy for them?
Prior: The Ori need nothing from us.
Dr. Jackson: [quoting] "It is we who must seek the truth of the universe in order to achieve enlightenment."
[Vala gives Daniel a funny look]
Dr. Jackson: [shrugs] Been down this road before.

Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry to interrupt, but um…if you brought us here to try and convert us, it is fair to tell you that we are really not in the market for new gods.

[The Ori have possessed the Doci to communicate with Daniel]
Ori-possessed Doci: We are Ori.
Dr. Jackson: [visibly horrified] And you instruct these people to worship you?
Ori-possessed Doci: We are their creators. All who follow the path will join us in enlightenment.
Dr. Jackson: Do you know who the Alterans are?
Ori-possessed Doci: Those who abandoned the path are evil!
Dr. Jackson: Evil? Why?
Ori-possessed Doci: They shielded you.
Dr. Jackson: Really. I didn't really think they did much of anything for us, but I guess I was wrong.

Prior: Origin will guide you on this path, and those who revere its wisdom shall be uplifted. I have come to spread the word to the unbelievers who have been... sheltered, and raised by evil.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [whispering to General Landry] You have no idea how much he sounds like my grandma.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: "And a man has no greater thing under the sun than to eat, drink and be merry." Ecclesiastes, my favorite. [Pause to show the Prior sizing up Mitchell.] My grandma was a bit of a Bible-thumper. Weekends at grandma's meant long, long Sundays at St. Hilda's Church of the Grand Epiphany. Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell. How ya doin?

Prior: And the people shall deliver the wicked, unto your divine judgment, where their sins shall be weighed in balance, with all that is just, and true.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: If you help us out here, I'll guarantee we'll be more receptive to those stories you want to tell. Call it a miracle if you want.
Prior: When Hannor Mir fell from the sky and learned to fly on the way down... that was a real miracle.

Doci: Great holy armies shall be gathered and trained to fight all who embrace evil. In the name of the gods, ships shall be built to carry our warriors out amongst the stars, and we will spread Origin to all the unbelievers. The power of the Ori will be felt far and wide, and the wicked shall be vanquished.

General O'Neill: Sorry you missed the Daedalus.
Dr. Jackson: No, you're not.
General O'Neill: You're right, I'm not.

General O'Neill: Now, see, that's one of the great things about being a general. You pretty much get to do whatever you want.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I suppose after you've saved the world seven or eight times…
General O'Neill: [amused] Who's counting, huh?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Teal'c.

The Ties That Bind [9.4][edit]

Vala: Came to see me off? That's sweet.
Dr. Jackson: Well, we've been through a lot together. I just wanted to come here myself and make sure you were… thoroughly searched.

Dr. Jackson: He's the guy you stole the bracelets from, right?
Vala: How dare you assume that I aquired those bracelets through anything but honest means! I may have a less than perfect reputation—
Dr. Jackson: You told me you stole them!
Vala: I did?
Dr. Jackson: Yes!

[Vala is nearly in tears after Daniel claims she uses sex as a weapon. He starts to apologize when he suddenly comes to a realization.]
Dr. Jackson: Are you messing with me?
Vala: Is it working?

Arlos: I'm not after revenge. The truth is, the bracelets weren't the only thing she took from me. She also stole… my heart.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Excuse me?
Arlos: I remember it as if it were yesterday. Some nights, we would steal away from the city, strip off our clothing, and bathe in the springs of Aragaten. We would chase one another across the mossy hills and then lie naked under Adora's moons and Vala would sometimes—
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Okay, that's great, thanks. We got the picture. [to himself] A very vivid, very disturbing picture.
Arlos: Yes. Those were wonderful, carnal times.

General Landry: [about Vala] She accused the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee of having a, uh, let's just call it an "insufficient manhood." She's gotta go.

General Landry: [to Walter] Don't make me promote you.

Inago: Vala! You cowardly, backstabbing sorry excuse for a woman. How've you been?
Vala: Inago. You filthy, double talking slug. Nice to see you too.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Obviously they used to date.

Vala: We could be partners, and split everything down the middle, sixty-forty.

[Vala is found by Dr. Jackson in his bed claiming to have went into the wrong room]
Vala: Anyhow, since I'm here shall we make the best of it?
Dr. Jackson: No we shalln't.

Dr. Jackson: I can do it. Just uh, do me a favor. I need some help.
Vala: Okay, what?
Dr. Jackson: Go to the panel by the rear exit.
Vala: Okay, now what?
Dr. Jackson: Stay there, shut up, and let me finish.

Teal'c: Colonel Mitchell. At times you remind me of O'Neill.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Ah, well, I'll take that as a compliment.
Teal'c: As you wish.

The Powers That Be [9.5][edit]

Vala: Look, I never killed anyone, I never tortured them, I was a wonderful god. Just ask them!
Dr. Jackson: I think we will.
Vala: Why? You don't believe me?
Dr. Jackson: That, and I'm not totally convinced they are ultimately going to follow your command, nor should that be the only reason they don't follow the Priors.
Vala: I am still supposed to be their god, I can't very well go out there and ask them if they are going to listen to me.
Dr. Jackson: I wasn't expecting you to.
Vala: What makes you think they're going to tell you the truth; you're supposed to be my faithful servant.
Dr. Jackson: Then I'll sort of explain that we're not as faithful as you might like to believe, and if necessary I'll also tell them we're plotting to kill you.
Vala: I have heard better plans!
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I kinda like it.
Vala: Shut up!

After Mitchell has persuaded the villagers to put Vala on trial.
Vala: Thank you! I apologise for ever questioning your masterful skills at negotiation!
Dr. Jackson: He's doing the best he can.
Vala: That's what terrifies me!

Dr. Jackson: Okay. We have a very limited window of opportunity here. If you expose yourself as a false god, if you tell these people how you fooled them and why, we might be able to make them skeptical about the Prior.
Vala: Or, it could push them towards believing in the Ori as true gods even more.
Dr. Jackson: No, the only chance these people have, the only chance any of us have against the Priors is to show them that we will not accept the Ori as gods. No matter what happens, we must reject them. True enlightenment must begin with the truth.

Dr. Jackson: Maybe hoarding knowledge is wrong….or maybe it's not. Maybe, learning something for yourself is part of the journey to enlightenment. But killing someone for not worshiping you, regardless of your power, IS wrong. Very wrong. Knowledge is power, but how you use that power defines whether you are good, or evil.

Prior: From the smallest seed of doubt springs forth a mighty poisonous tree of evil.

Beachhead [9.6][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Most of the System Lords were killed by the Replicators. Then, we defeated the Replicators.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Wow, we look cool.
General Landry: Don't let it go to your head.

Lt. Col Mitchell: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell, leader of SG-1.
Nerus: You are not...
Lt. Col Mitchell: No.
Nerus: Will he be here?

Lt. Colonel Carter: Now, considering their unique ability to maintain an active Stargate indefinitely and their force field capabilities, the President has authorized any and all means to complete the mission.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Oh, boy. And here I was trying to have a nuke free career.

[Mitchell, Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c set off on their first mission together, with Vala]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: How good is this? Got the band back together!
Lt. Colonel Carter: [looking at Vala] Yeah, so what's with the extra back-up singer?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Oh, she's good fun.

Dr. Jackson: [pulling Vala's scarf off her neck] Vala, this is a military vessel.
Vala: I know, darling. I've stolen it before.
Dr. Jackson: Well, just try to be, uh…
Vala: My charming self?
Dr. Jackson: Just a little less talk; a little more shut the hell up.

Dr. Jackson: The next idea we come up with has to be outside the box.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Okay, the gate is composed of individual units. The—There must be some sort of energy linkage between them, like a—like a chain.
Vala: Exactly, so we—
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So we need a big ol' set of bolt cutters.
Dr. Jackson: Oooh. Too far outside the box. Get closer to the box.

Goa'uld Nerus: I have helped the Ori, and when you kill me, I shall ascend.
General Landry: No, you will descend to a small, dark room at the bottom of Area 51, and you stay there until you come up with a way to defeat the Ori.
Nerus: What could possibly compel me to do that?
General Landry (Smiling in satisfaction):Hunger.
(Nerus gives an appalled look in fright of not eating)

Ex Deus Machina [9.7][edit]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Witnesses?
Dr. Jackson: One. Some guy who was working overtime, spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide the descriptions of three individuals: big, tattooed, chain mail pants.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So it's either our Jaffa, or KISS is back on tour.

Babylon [9.8][edit]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [imitating Teal'c] "The Warriors of the Sodan exist, Colonel Mitchell. I am certain of it."
Dr. Jackson: Needs more bass.

Sgt. Harriman: Receiving an IDC, sir. It's Colonel Mitchell.
Dr. Jackson: You're kidding.
Sgt. Harriman: I would never do that, sir.

Volnek: Oh, we have unfinished business.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hey, take it easy.
Volnek: You shot me!
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You shot me first!

Jolam: You are not tired?
Mitchell: Six weeks' airborne training at Fort Benning-- that's tired. This is nothing. Come on.

Prototype [9.9][edit]

[Carter realizes why the Stargate is malfunctioning]
Lt. Colonel Carter: Huh. Maybe it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Jackson: I thought it was always our fault.

[SG-1 is exploring an abandoned Goa'uld lab]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [approaching weird technology] There is someone home.
Dr. Jackson: Wa-wait!
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [touches button] What? I was looking for the light switch.
Dr. Jackson: [shining his flashlight at Mitchell] New guy!
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [indicating a computer] Hey, you touched that!
Dr. Jackson: Ah, I know how to read that!

[Regarding Khalek]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I shot him twice point blank.
Dr. Lam: And he's healing. Remarkably fast.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I should have emptied the clip.

The Fourth Horseman, Part 1 [9.10][edit]

General Landry: Colonel Carter, I've read your proposal.
Lt. Colonel Carter: And?
General Landry: And I'm not exactly sure what an aneurysm feels like, but I suspect I'm pretty close.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Dr. Lee: Why didn't you just tell him we'd come up with a viable method for cold fusion while you were at it?!

Dr. Lee: I admit it's a pretty sound theory. Pardon the pun. [chuckles] Ultra-sonic waves. [laughs] Uhh, that's good. Anyway...

Dr. Lee: Well, trying to achieve something as specific as isolating one small part of the brain is like...it's like... trying to...do something...that's impossible.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Good analogy.

General Landry: According to the mission report on your first encounter with Orlin, you two had an... "intimate" relationship?
Lt. Colonel Carter: Uh, well, we did. But, uh, he didn't look like that. He was…
Dr. Lam: Taller?
Lt. Colonel Carter: He was a grown man.

[regarding the Anti-Prior device]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So how does it work, assuming it actually does work?
Dr. Lee: You know, I keep telling myself that one of these days I'm going to do something that gets me a little respect.
Dr. Jackson: We're all waiting for that day, Bill.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well while we're at it, why don't we just assume I can fly?
Dr. Lee: Oh, actually, I have been working on a theory...

The Fourth Horseman, Part 2 [9.11][edit]

Prior: It makes no difference what you do to me. But know this: The Ori are all-seeing! They are already aware of this... affront to their eminence and shall strike down those who defy them.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [shrugs] Nothing yet, you?
Dr. Jackson: Drawing a blank. [pause] A little thirsty.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: That doesn't count.
Dr. Jackson: No, it doesn't.
Prior: Their movements are not so easily divined. Their ways are unseen and veiled in mystery.
Dr. Jackson: Right, right, they have a "plan". (Mitchell makes the "air quotes" sign.) Don't suppose you want to tell us what that plan is? For example, why did they send you to this galaxy in the first place?
Prior: We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No, you are dark-side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen, but unfortunately, the home office hasn't been quite upfront with you.
Dr. Jackson: Nice work on the metaphor.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Thank You.
Dr. Jackson: For starters: Did you know, the Ori need people to worship them to gain their power?
[Prior looks surprised for a moment, but then collects himself]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: He didn't know...
Dr. Jackson: No, he didn't know that. [to Prior] No, it's true.

[Lt. Colonel Mitchell has just completed a lengthy dissertation on how to make an avocado omelette as General Landry arrives]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: General, we were just exchanging recipes.
General Landry: Has the prisoner offered anything?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No sir, the man doesn't even have a decent pie crust.

General Landry: I'm telling you, I'm fine! [to his daughter] Carolyn, can you tell those people I'm fine?
Dr. Lam: You're not fine.

Jolan: How will we know when the device is working?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, we'll know when he's no longer able to use his powers.
Haikon: How will we know the Prior is no longer able to use his powers?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, someone is just gonna have to test it and find out.
[Jackson and the the Sodan Jaffa look as though they're preparing themselves for bad news]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No worries, fellas, that someone is me.
[Jackson looks pleased, nods vigorously, points to Mitchell]

[Gerak enters the quarantine room]
Dr. Lam: What's going on?
Teal'c: Gerak has arrived to assist us.
[Gerak pauses]
Teal'c: Why do you hesitate, Gerak?
Gerak: If I help you, I will die. But I will die free!
[Gerak slams the end of his staff to the floor; it begins to glow, the light eventually infusing the entire base. Gerak bursts into flames and disappears.]

Ripple Effect [9.13][edit]

Dr. Jackson: Okay, say for example we accept the possibility that this is an alternate SG-1 from a… parallel universe. How did they get here?
Lt. Colonel Carter: I got nothing.
[Everyone looks at Carter in surprise]
Lt. Colonel Carter: ...yet.

[Mitchell walks into the room where Alternate Daniel is being held, and hands him a cup of coffee]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Sumatra Mandheling. Two creams, one sugar.
[Alternate Daniel raises his eyebrows]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Lucky guess.

Lt. Colonel Carter: As we discussed the situation, we realized we could pinpoint the source of the phenomenon to a precise window, specifically, the interim journey between the two gates.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Did she just say "we?"
Lt. Colonel Carter: Pardon me?
Dr. Jackson: She said "we." You said "we?"
Lt. Colonel Carter: Ah. Uh, me and...myself, I suppose. The other Samantha Carter.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Right. Finally someone who can keep up with you, huh?
Lt. Colonel Carter: [Happily] Yup.

[Landry walks into a room full of alternate-reality Carters]
General Landry: Carter!
[All the Carters turn around]
General Landry: My Carter.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You know, I read all the mission reports on the Asgard. They're not what I expected.
Lt. Colonel Carter: What were you expecting?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, pants, for one.

Alternate Mitchell: So if this plan goes FUBAR, we're the only ones to go down with the ship?
Dr. Jackson: Well, there's plenty more where we came from, right?

Kvasir: [nobly] The perilous nature of this mission should not be taken lightly. There is a chance the Prometheus may not survive this voyage. But courage and a steadfast resolve will prove the most valuable assets in this undertaking. [pauses, goes on casually] Well, good luck to you all. [beams out]
Dr. Jackson: I miss Thor.

[Landry walking with the SG-1 team issues an order to Mitchell]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: What if there are more teams coming in hot?
General Landry: I'm willing to make the occasional exception, but I am not about to turn this base into the Grand Central Station of the Multiverse.

Stronghold [9.14][edit]

Ferguson: My God, you are going to other planets through a freaking wormhole! You have to be a little nuts.

Ethon [9.15][edit]

Jared Kane: Do you ever give up?
Dr. Jackson: Not till I'm dead. [Pause] And sometimes not even then.

Off the Grid [9.16][edit]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I have no intention of taking anyone on. I'm just going to pose as a buyer.
Dr. Jackson: You?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, no offense, Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type. In fact, you're not even close.
Dr. Jackson: [in disbelief] I think I'm as close as you are!
Lt. Colonel Carter: [to Mitchell] Come on! You're miles away.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Teal'c, which one of us is closer?
Teal'c: I believe the three of you to be equidistant.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [gesturing toward Carter] Oh, please! Mary Poppins is not even in the running.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Hey!

Worrel: Oh its far worse for you, I no longer have any reason to keep you alive.
Dr. Jackson: No, wait! I-I-I can think of a reason.
Lt. Colonel Carter:[after an awkward pause, looks to Jackson] We're more valuable alive.
Dr. Jackson: ah. Yes! We're more valuable alive. Good one.
Lt. Colonel Carter:[silently] Yeah.

Worrel: [sarcastically] So, you were done slaying system lords and decided to move on to more pressing agricultural concerns?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: That's exactly it. Corn patrol.

Walter:How did you plant the beacon on Nerus?
Landry:It was a piece of cake.

[Nerus arrives on Ba'al's mothership]
Nerus: How nice! You came to greet me in person! Oh! Oh! I have this fabulous innovation I want you to... It's—it's called a cupcake. Oh, it's so good—
Ba'al: Why have you returned?
Nerus: My old friend, you wound me deeply.
Ba'al: I'm capable of wounding you much more deeply.

Ba'al: If you wish to return to my court, Nerus, you will have to prove yourself.
Nerus: How?
Ba'al: Find me planets suitable for my new empire. I am ready to begin anew.
Nerus: Well, first I must recover from my...
[three of Ba'al's clones walk by]
Nerus: ...harrowing... ordeal...
Ba'al: It would be wise not to defy me, Nerus. Things have changed considerably since you left.

[Ba'al casually has Nerus at gunpoint with a Staff weapon after he inadvertantly uploads a virus onto the ship's computer]
Nerus: But I'm so interesting!

General Landry: An eventful few days. Debrief in one hour.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: We have got the best jobs in the world, don't we?
Lt. Colonel Carter: I'm gonna hit the shower.
Dr. Jackson: I'm gonna find the doctor.
Teal'c: We are indeed suitably employed.

The Scourge [9.17][edit]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: All right, let's move out. Those ancient ruins aren't going to explore themselves.

Lt. Col Mitchell: Sir, I don't mean to gripe.
General Landry: Permission to gripe granted.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: We're being put on babysitting duty?
General Landry: Don't underestimate the importance of this mission. This is the IOA. These people carry a lot of influence with the Stargate Program. How it's run, how it's funded. You should feel honored! Just, uh, don't keep them up past ten. And remember to read them a bedtime story before tucking them in for the night.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I'm telling you, today it's escorting foreign delegates on off-world tours, tomorrow it's comic book conventions and supermarket openings.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hey look, I don't want to argue about this. I'm right, we'll leave it at that.
Dr. Jackson: [sarcastic] Compelling argument. Teal'c, what do you think?
Teal'c: I think I should have remained with the tour.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: When we get back, I'm going to help you find your own place.
Teal'c: That will be unnecessary.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Dude, what are friends for?
Teal'c: For listening when they are told that will be unnecessary.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You know what? Sit here. You cover our six. But stay alert. You'll hear the bugs coming, but the tree ferrets give no warning.

Arthur's Mantle [9.18][edit]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: That was alternate reality. This is alternate dimension. Hell, all I need is a good time-travel adventure, and I've scored the SG-1 trifecta.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Volnek! Where are you, homeboy? Come on out and show me some of those monster moves!

Hadden: We just plant two of them opposite each other, and run a trip wire right through the middle. Then all we gotta do is lure him in.
Reynolds: Piece of cake. While we're at it, maybe we can teach him how to speak Japanese.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [whining to Carter about how he can't eat lunch, being out of phase] Roast beef. The one time I can't eat and they serve roast beef.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [shouting at mess chef who can't hear him] Do you know how many times I've requested roast beef?!
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [to Carter] This is torture.

Crusade [9.19][edit]

[Vala has taken over Daniel Jackson's body]
Vala: It's funny, isn't it? Daniel always wanted to get in my pants, and now I'm in his.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Oh, that's not funny.
Vala: Hmm?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: He can't defend himself.

Vala: I did my best to blend in. At first according to Tomin and therefore as far as the villagers were concerned I was the woman who fell from the sky which made me feel kind of special. I later learned that they always suspected I’d escaped from another village as a result of some scandal and then I started to feel much more like I’m used to.

Vala: The village was run by this complete bear of a man named Seevis, who was both barkeep and administrator which seemed the oddest contradiction. He claimed to be the most pious man in the village. If anyone strayed from the path of righteousness, it was Seevis who made sure you were severely punished for it. But seems to be a lot more leeway for sin in the religion of Origin than one would presume from all the preaching.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So it’s just like my grandma used to say. No point going to confession if you ain’t got nothing to confess.
Vala: Exactly.

Teal'c: You stated you had information of great importance.
Vala: I do, I do. And I'm getting there.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: We get the back story. Tomin is a nice guy, Seevis is a butthead. How about you skip ahead a little?
Vala: Okay. Tomin and I got married—
Lt. Colonel Carter: Whoa, married?
Vala: Stay with me. I had no choice. I told you, he was very devout, and there's no way he would have slept with me out of wedlock.
[awkward pause]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Okay, maybe we skipped ahead a little too far.
Vala: Well, I tried to lay it out in order...Ooh, that's a bad choice of words.

Teal'c: You have been impregnated, without copulation.
Vala: Yes! And I'm absolutely terrified - have any of you ever heard anything like it?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: W-Well.. there is one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really? How did that turn out?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, actually, I was thinking about King Arthur.

Vala: So, this girl in the bar. Her name was Denya, and we struck up a bit of a friendship. By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Don't know what you're talking about.
Vala: At least she was honest.

Camelot [9.20][edit]

[regarding the anti-Ori weapon]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hey, has anyone stopped to figure out how this thing might work? I mean, how do you kill something that's pure energy?
Dr. Jackson: Well, Merlin's research said nothing about killing. A more accurate translation would be "neutralize" or "cancel out".
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, that still begs a lot of questions. How do you aim at something you can't see?
Dr. Jackson: Clearly, it can't be a weapon in the conventional sense. See, ascended beings transcend ordinary space time as we know it. This device would have to do the same thing.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: In other words, you have no idea what it might be.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, pretty much.

[SG-1 is looking around at the village]
Lt. Colonel Carter: This sure looks like the place where Merlin might have lived.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: There could be dozens of villages in the area, just like this one. There is no way to be sure.
Dr. Jackson: Well... there is that... [points to a sword in a stone]

Dr. Jackson: This is interesting. It's a reference to Merlin's prophetic abilities. There's a similar myth on Earth. That Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen a lot of legends and folklore have a strong basis in fact -- Avalon, Atlantis.
Teal'c: The Easter bunny.
Dr. Jackson: I guess there's a few exceptions.

[Daniel drops a book on the floor to wake a snoozing Mitchell]
Dr. Jackson: [sarcastically] Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No, I wasn't sleeping. Was Kel'no'reem-ing. Teal'c taught me the fundamentals.
Dr. Jackson: Did he mention you should remain conscious in the process?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Yeah, I'm still working on the basics.

Dr. Jackson: Uh oh.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: What's "uh oh"?
Dr. Jackson: Nothing happened.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
[there is a scream off screen]
Jackson & Mitchell: Bad.

Merlin: Greetings, friend. I am Merlin. The prize you seek, like the pendulum's swing, marks the passage of all that is before you.

Dr. Jackson: [holding up a book] Do you recognize this?
Meurik: It is Sangraal.
Dr. Jackson: This is the Sangraal?
Meurik: It is also known as the Blood Stone.
Dr. Jackson: Of course. Sang. Blood. Blood red for the color of the jewel.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. We're talking about the Holy Grail, right? Every movie I've seen, that's a cup.

Dr. Jackson: You are making a mistake. There is no curse. The black knight is a security feature created by Merlin through the use of science and advanced technology. There is no magic— [the Odyssey beams up SG-1]
[later]
Dr. Jackson: Once and for all: There was no curse. This is a device. There is no magic— [the Korolev beams him up]
Dr. Jackson: Boy, my timing's off today...


Season 10[edit]

Flesh and Blood [10.1][edit]

[Sam is stranded in space, while Mitchell and the Odyssey crew are trying to rescue her.]
Lt. Colonel Carter: If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, it won't work.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Marks, do you mind? [takes piloting controls] Hang on Sam, we're coming to get you.
[Odyssey starts moving towards Sam.]
Lt. Colonel Carter: Oh, boy.

Lt. Colonel Carter: Look, the sub-light engines don't have that much control. If you hit me, even at minimum velocity...
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [into radio] I'm not going to hit you. [to himself] Not on purpose.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Even if you get me in past the shield, the artificial gravity will kick in. A fall from even thirty feet in this suit...
Lt. Colonel Mithcell: Sam, stop worrying. Kvasir is riding the controls manually.
Kvasir: You're going too fast.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: This tub doesn't go any slower.

Woolsey: The IOA is considering bringing the Atlantis ZPM to Earth, for use in the Antarctic Earth defense system.
General Landry: Even if we had a ship, it would take a minimum of three weeks for the ZPM to get here. And there's no guarantee the Ancient weapons platform in Antarctica would be any more effective against the Ori ships than what we've already thrown at them. As usual, the IOA is wasting their breath. You know, if I had the salaries they pay those idiot blowhard politicians to put into my budget... I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

Bra'tac: We cannot merely stand by as our brothers and sisters fall.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I'm going with them.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Me too.
Colonel Emerson: It's suicide.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Well, for Teal'c and Bra'tac, that's not really an argument against going.
Colonel Emerson: What about you?
Lt. Colonel Carter: However remote, there is still a chance that Daniel's alive on board one of those Ori ships. He may need our help.
Colonel Emerson: You really believe that?
Lt. Colonel Carter: You don't know him like we do.

Vala: Isn't there a part of you that's from me?
Adria: Of course. You are my mother.
Vala : And as your mother, you will listen to me, young lady. There will be no leading of these ships and armies on a mass-murdering crusade! Or else!
[Adria remains unmoved]
Vala: Eh, it was worth a try.

Dr. Jackson: What happened to you?
Vala: Oh, I had a baby! You know, I never thought I'd agree with my father, but now I'm starting to remember about how he used to go about how you nurture them and then you raise them and you teach them that best that you can and then all they do is break your heart. I always assumed that his experience was tainted by me.
Dr. Jackson: What are you talking about?
Vala: Well, she started off all sweet and innocent but now she's hellbent on domination of the galaxy.
Dr. Jackson: How old is she?
Vala: A few hours. [Dr. Jackson gives her a confused look.] The Ori used me to sneak one of their own across the border. This child is their way of cheating the ascended rulebook. They couldn't exactly cross over into our galaxy without getting into a confrontation with the Ancients, right? So they created a human representative with their knowledge to lead their armies.
Dr. Jackson: Sort of an uber-Prior, like the Doci?
Vala: Oh, but she's MUCH worse than that. The Priors are just pawns, but she knows the score. She's complicit with the Ori; you should have heard the propaganda that she just tried to feed me.
Dr. Jackson: Wait, wait, waitaminute, we're talking about a baby here, right?
Vala: Oh. She's been genetically altered. She'll be a fully-grown figurehead in a day or so. If she takes after her mother, she'll have a pretty good figure too.
Dr. Jackson: This is bad.
Vala: You're telling me! Origin is about to become a lot more appealing to the males of this galaxy.
Dr. Jackson: Do you have any idea where we're going?
Vala: No, that she wouldn't tell me. She knows I'm not on her side; she's just hoping I'll see the light. But part of her can't help but feel tied to me. She wanted me to give her a name.
Dr. Jackson: And?
Vala: Adria. Told her it was my mother's.
Dr. Jackson: Not.
Vala: Stepmother. Witch of a woman.
Dr. Jackson: You know the more I get to know you, the more I'm starting to understand.
Vala: Huh?
Dr. Jackson: Nothing.

Vala Mal Doran: What do you know of the Jaffa?
Adria: They are proud people. Confused about the ways to salvation. They have been misled by parasites posing as gods for several generations. But in their hearts, I believe that they know ascension is the true path to salvation.
Vala Mal Doran: Then why are you slaughtering them?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So, we're outmatched in manpower, firepower, and technology. Do we have any sort of battle strategy, or are we just planning on dropping out of hyperspace and getting our asses kicked again?

Teal'c: There never usually are rules in war.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Unfortunately right now, there is no war. In a war, you have two sides fighting. All we have is a lot of winning by the bad guys.

Morpheus [10.2][edit]

Dr. Jackson: I got it! I made the connection! Sir Gawain to Gwalchmei. Culwhch and Olwen. Verus Gen Bree!
Lt. Colonel Carter: [to Mitchell] And you say I'm hard to understand.

Dr. Jackson: That's when it hit me: Sir Gawain.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Wasn't he one of the Knights who say "Ni"?

Dr. Jackson: Look, I know she's no angel. She's-she's lied, she's stolen, she's cheated, she's misrepresented herself, she's… lied.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: This place is deader than a Texas salad bar.

Vala:["Studying" for her Psych evaluation] You are in the desert, you see a tortoise lying on its back in the hot sand. You recognize its plight but do nothing to help. Why? [pauses] Hmm. Why? Oh. [starts writing] Because you are also a tortoise.

Dr. Hutchison: So, how are you feeling?
Vala: [eagerly] Very well! Very well…well, you know, all things considered. Heh. I mean, you'd assume I'd be a prime candidate for acculturation difficulty, enduring feelings of…displacement and alienation. Perhaps even a little paranoid ideation. Hmm? But the truth is, I was able to adopt an abstract attitude which allowed me to…release some of my repressed feelings, ultimately providing me with a cathartic actualization. How are you feeling?
Dr. Hutchison: I'm fine.

Teal'c: Perhaps we should rest.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [starts to sit down, then stands up again] No...that's a bad idea. And I'm starting regret staying up late to watch Deuce Biglaow: European Gigolo last night. Check that, I regretted it almost immediately.

[General Landry has just informed Vala that she has been accepted at the SGC]
Vala: I-I'm a little… overwhelmed. Heh. But, as my first… official act, I'd like to report a rather disagreeable little man.
Richard Woolsey: [entering, smugly] That would be me.
General Landry: Mr. Woolsey's offer was part of the test. We wanted to make sure we could trust you.
Vala: [recovering from surprise] I knew that. But were his sexual advances part of the test?
Richard Woolsey: [horrified] What?! That's..ah…General, I-I can assure you…
Vala: Well, I would've even considered playing along, but some of his requests were…well, a little…unusual, even for me.
[General Landry walks off, while SG-1 tries not to laugh]
Richard Woolsey: General, I would never…General!

Vala: See, I still think it's cause for celebration. So I say we go out, have lunch, and I'll pay.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Pay with what, exactly?
Vala: Well, Daniel will cover me until I get my share of the loot.
Dr. Jackson: [exasperated] "Loot."
Vala: Yeah, from all the treasures we're going to bring back from our off-world travels. What, I have to wait until I'm off probation before I start collecting?

The Pegasus Project [10.3][edit]

Dr. Jackson: [looking out over Atlantis] I wouldn't miss this for the world. You know the number of times I tried to get here?
Vala: Only two of those times were my fault.

Lt. Colonel Sheppard: Well, good luck, and listen, if McKay gives you a hard time, just…
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Shoot him.
Lt. Colonel Sheppard: Also, he's mortally allergic to citrus.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Really?
Lt. Colonel Sheppard: I keep one with me at all times. [pulls a lemon from his vest pocket] It's just a comfort to know… [tosses the lemon to Mitchell] …it's there.

Dr. McKay: I am just saying, the yield calculations can be extremely tricky, if not borderline impossible. [smugly] You may need me.
Vala: Colonel Carter said as much.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Ooohhhh, we weren't going to tell him that.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Ah, this place is Daniel Disneyland.

Dr. McKay: But um, first, I just wanted to thank you for being there for me recently in a time of great personal need. Well, actually, you weren't there— I was alone in the dark, but um, you know, it sure seemed like you were.
Lt. Colonel Carter: [suspiciously] Are you telling me one of your fantasies?
Dr. McKay: No it was a hallucination, I had a concussion, I was trapped in the back of a sinking Jumper and my mind conjured you up as a means of survival, it's what you would do in my situation. You saved my life
Lt. Colonel Carter: OK well, that's… sort of nice.
Dr. McKay: Mmm. Yes it was.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Was I naked?
Dr. McKay: [slightly embarassed] Partially.

Lt. Colonel Carter: [regarding McKay] You know, Cam, he's not wrong. As much as it pains me to say it, the data from our first attempt supports his argument.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, like my grandma used to say, "if at first you don't succeed…"
Lt. Colonel Carter: [wryly] "…try a larger thermonuclear reaction?"
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Her words exactly.

Dr. Jackson: [to Morgan Le Fay] I believe you. I do. I mean, I understand the fine line you have to walk. I realize the risk you're taking just showing yourself. But I'm sorry, I want more. You can pass that on to your friends as well. [to the room] Yeah, I know you're listening, [to Le Fay, in full passionate-speech mode] Because I am getting sick of hidden clues and cryptic messages. And Merlin was right that the Ori are a threat. But not only to us "lowers," not only to the billions of humans throughout this galaxy, but to your own existence. Because when this war is over, and every soul that's left alive is praying to the Ori, feeding their need to be worshipped, you know who they're gonna come for next. I won't pretend to know what that war will look like, or in what battlefield it will take place, but then, I won't be alive to see it.
Morgan le Fay: If we interfere, we are no better than the Ori.
Dr. Jackson: I understand that is at the very core of what you are, of what you believe, but I'm talking about survival here. If you really are trying to help, then help yourself.

Vala: [regarding the Ascended] I think I understand why you came back, Daniel. I wouldn't have liked their company either.

Insiders [10.4][edit]

Ba'al: I understand your reluctance to trust me, so I'll be succinct. It's the clones. They want me dead.
Teal'c: That would make all of us.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Chief, we've got a full count. Two strikes, three Ba'als.
Sgt. Harriman: [laughing] Oh, that's clever, sir.
Lt. Colonel Carter: He was thinking that one up the whole way home.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Yeah, the whole three seconds.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Three point two.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [shrugs] Good point.

Ba'al clone: You are trying to goad me into revealing information.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No, I'm just calling it like I see it. And right now, you don't strike me as someone who could intimidate a ten year old out of his lunch money, much less run an interstellar empire.
Ba'al clone: [in Goa'uld voice] Why don't you have the guard excuse himself for a moment, and I'll show you just what I am "capable" of?
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: See, now I know you're not the real Ba'al. The real Ba'al wouldn't have cared about the guard.

Barrett (to Landry): General! I understand you have a few extra Ba'als. (punning on Ba'al/ball)
[Landry looks surprised]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: General.
General Landry: Somebody, give me some good news.
[Vala stops her attempts to arm wrestle Teal'c.]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Sorry, sir. I still don't have anything useful.
Vala: I didn't even make it to first base.

Uninvited [10.5][edit]

Teal'c: It is ironic that not so long ago the mere presence of the Goa'uld on Earth would have been cause for great concern.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Seriously! Who'd ever think that we'd have bigger fish to fry? Or that you'd use the word "ironic" in a sentence?

General Landry: I told ya, the last thing we need is for this place to turn into the O.K. Corral.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Or a vice-presidential bird hunt.

Vala: The Sodan were using these devices for hundreds of years. You'd think there'd at least be a label on the side in bold print that says, "Beware: May cause deadly extra-dimensional radioactive monster-causing creature to appear", or just "danger" would be nice.

[SG-1 is playing poker]
Teal'c: A true warrior...[pause] knows when to fold them.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Really? I won? [laughs] I was totally bluffing!

200 [10.6][edit]

Gen. Landry: A fictionalized, albeit slightly ridiculous version of Stargate Command is an excellent cover for the real thing in the event of a security leak.
Lt. Col. Carter: Plausible deniability.
Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry, sir, did you say "slightly" ridiculous?

Dr. Jackson: ... who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes?
Teal'c: It allegedly performed well on DVD.
[This is a reference to the cult DVD hit Firefly and the resulting film Serenity, as well as Stargate itself.]

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well, you've got to open big, catch people's attention, make them think the whole thing is going to be jam-packed.
Vala: Ooh, I love jam.
[Mitchell, Jackson and Carter look at her]
Vala: Oh, I get it. It's yet another playful twist on words in your "earth" language.

Vala: Well, it... certainly seems to be packed full of jam.

Dr. Jackson: You know, getting the cloaking generator off that mothership, that's going to be the least of our problems. Now, getting Jack to help, that's going to be the hard part.
Lt. Col. Carter: Oh, don't tell me…
Dr. Jackson: Oh yes. He likes being invisible.
[Cut to a locker room with a shower running- after a pause, Carter cautiously looks out from over the top of the shower curtain]
Lt. Col. Carter: Sir? Are you there?
[Long pause]
Gen. O'Neill: Nope.
[Cut to a briefing room. Jackson is scrawling unintelligibly complex information onto a whiteboard for an audience of a dozen or so scientist types]
Dr. Jackson: ...and so, by translating this tablet, we should be able to determine the most important thing in the universe.
[There is a pause. We hear O'Neill begin to snore. Jackson looks exasperated.]
Dr. Jackson: Everyone wanna, poke around? See if you can find him?
[Cut to interior of a Goa'uld ship. The ring device activates, then deactivates with no-one apparantly having beamed aboard. The Jaffa on-board look puzzled. Suddenly, each of them gets his ass kicked in turn by an invisible opponent. The rings activate again, and the rest of the team beam up. They look around, confused.]
Col. O'Neill: Hello? Hand signals? I'm waving you over!
[Cut to a corridor. Teal'c is walking along next to a coffee mug apparantly floating in mid-air (obviously being held by O'Neill)]
Col. O'Neill: The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.
[Pause, Teal'c looks steadily in the direction of where we presume O'Neill to be standing]
Teal'c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
Col. O'Neill: Not buying it, eh?
Teal'c: No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: Ohh! I get it. Good one.
Teal'c: I can see right through you.
Col. O'Neill: Donnnnnn't push it...

[The Stargate fails mid-dial; SG-1 look up to see Martin Lloyd shrug and excitedly wave them back up to the conference room.]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: [whispering to Carter] Fix it.
Dr. Jackson: Quickly.
Lt. Col. Carter: I'm on it. [leaves]
Teal'c: Indeed.

[SG-1 disputes the plausibility that they could make it to a 'gate through an army of Jaffa with Replicators behind them in ten seconds.]
Dr. Jackson: Are you serious?
Martin Lloyd: What?
Dr. Jackson: How did we escape?
Vala: They.
Dr. Jackson: Fine, they, they, they. How did they escape?
Martin Lloyd: Isn't it obvious?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Even if the valley wasn't filled with Jaffa, we couldn't never have made it to the Gate and dialed out in under...10 seconds.
Martin Lloyd: Good. See, that's why we're here! So, what do you think, 30 seconds? Ma-maybe not such a round number. How about...38!
[In reference to the fact that the Stargate can only stay open for 38 minutes.]

Lt. Col. Carter: We're running another diagnostic, but right now we're stumped. Power's getting through to the capacitors, but for some reason the charge isn't holding. That's causing the control crystal to send feedback into the interface and reset the programming code of the base computer's dialing protocol.
Martin Lloyd: Whoa! That was awesome! Say that again!
Lt. Col. Carter: ...No.
Martin Lloyd: Oh. Uh, everybody take five. I, I gotta get that down before I forget it. [to self] The power getting to the flux capacitor, but feedback is not feeding back into the feedback...face. This is gold!

[The Stargate is overloading with power.]
Lt. Col. Carter: Siler, manually cut the power!
[Siler tries to and is thrown across the Gate room.]
Sgt. Siler: [angry] Why does this always happen to me?
[Dan Shea, who plays Sgt. Siler is the stunt coordinator for Stargate SG-1 and stunt double for Richard Dean Anderson]

[After the Star Trek sequence.]
Dr. Jackson: Hang on.
Martin Lloyd: What?
Dr. Jackson: One, that's Star Trek and two, it's ridiculous.
Martin Lloyd: What's wrong with it?
Lt. Col. Carter: "The singularity is about to explode?"
Martin Lloyd: Yes.
Lt. Col. Carter: Everything about the statement is wrong.
Dr. Jackson: And how exactly is weapons at maximum going to help the situation?
Martin Lloyd: The audience isn't going to know, but they love weapons at maximum.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Never underestimate your audience. They're usually sensitive, intelligent people, who will respond positively to quality entertainment.
Teal'c: I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode.

Teenage Teal'c: Yo! Wonderbread! You got that address figured out?
Teenage Daniel: Chill T! I'm like, translating as fast as I can!
Teenage Vala: I am so sick of being treated as an object to be worshiped! I am a real person with real feelings!
Teenage Daniel:: You know, I don't think Mitchell likes me anymore...
Teenage Vala: I'm pregnant.
[Cut to SG-1 in the conference room.]
Lt. Col. Carter: Uh-uh.
Dr. Jackson: No.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: [incredulous look] Nope.
Teal'c: [sullen silence]
Martin Lloyd: I need a latte...

Vala: Okay, how 'bout this: We're in a cloaked cargoship on a simple 3 hour reconnaissance mission...
Martin Lloyd: Gilligan's Island, right?
Vala: You got that from 3 hour reconnaissance mission?
Martin Lloyd: Here's a advice: if you're gonna rip something off, pick something a bit more obscure.

[Vala is imagining SG-1 as characters in Farscape.]
Aeryn-Vala: Call me farhbot, but they're going to have our mivonks on a platter if we don't starburst the draz out of here.
Crichton-Daniel: The cluster's been damaged! We're not going anywhere!
Chianna-Carter: Oh, dren!
D'Argo-Teal'c: Hezmana!
Aeryn-Vala: Frell!
Stark-Mitchell: Aw, son of a hazmot!
Rygel-Thor: Yotz!

Lt. Col. Mitchell: I'm pretty sure I have read all the reports recently.
Lt. Col. Carter: Actually you haven't read 30185.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: 30185? ... What's that?
Dr. Jackson: We can't tell you.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: What do you mean you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind! What–what is 30185?
Lt. Col. Carter: We were sworn to secrecy.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well, why even mention it to me if you're not going to tell me what it is?
Lt. Col.Carter: Sorry.
Vala: Can you tell me?
Dr. Jackson: Oh yeah, we can tell you.
Lt. Col. Carter: Well, it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well, that can't have anything to do with me, I wasn't born 'til a year later.
Dr. Jackson: Actually, it was nine months before he was born.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: What?
Lt. Col. Carter: You have to remember, it was the Sixties...
Dr. Jackson: C'mon, you have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Jack? ...O'Neill?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Lt. Col. Carter: Remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you didn't think you should get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?
Vala: [laughing] Wait. Are you saying that Jack O'Neill is...
Lt. Col. Mitchell: ...my daddy?
Dr. Jackson: All starting to make sense now, isn't it?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Awww, I'm being Punk'd, aren't I?

[Referring to the Stargate]
Puppet Gen. Hammond: We created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne Mountain so that we can use this thing. Anyone know how?

Puppet Gen. Hammond: And now, what this team needs is a leader, someone who'll laugh in the face of his enemy, even when it's inappropriate… Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Puppet Col. O'Neill: I thought I told you I was retired.
Puppet Gen. Hammond: Oh, I thought you said you were tired.
Puppet Col. O'Neill: Well, as a matter of fact, I am a little tired...
Puppet Gen. Hammond: Well, There's no time for that now, you've got a team to command.
Puppet Col. O'Neill: Right!

[Just before dialing the Stargate]
Puppet Gen. Hammond: Sergeant, make it spin!
Puppet Sgt. Harriman: Spin? Sir.... it doesn't spin.
Puppet Gen. Hammond: What? It has to spin, it's round. Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning. I am the General, and I want it to spin! Now!
[This may be a reference to the Atlantis Stargates, which don't spin and cannot be dialed manually.]

[The crew suggested to replace the actors with puppets.]
Martin Lloyd: [sarcastically] Yeaaah...that will work...a whole movie made with puppets...
Lt. Col. Mitchell: I was just sayi...
Martin Lloyd: Maybe we can have Puppet O'Neill jump over a puppet shark on a one-third scale motorcycle!
Vala: I don't get it.

Martin Lloyd: I'm talking about ...a twist; something nobody's expecting!
Gen. O'Neill: [walks in the door] You mean something like this?
Vala: Wow, I don't think anybody will see that coming.
Dr. Jackson: Nope, there'll be spoilers.
Lt. Col. Carter: Are you kidding? It'll be in the commercial.
[Carter was correct; the scene in which O'Neill appears was part of the commercial for "200"]

[Teal'c pitches a story to Martin Lloyd]
Announcer (Isaac Hayes): When it comes to fighting crime, there's only one man keepin' the street safe, while keepin' it real.
[Teal'c, dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora, pitches a guy through a glass door. He steps through the broken door, looks down at the unconscious guy and strokes the brim of his hat]
Teal'c: In-deed.
Announcer: Teal'c PI, coming this fall.
[Cut to a shot of Martin Lloyd, looking patronizing]
Martin Lloyd: I love it...
[Shot of Teal'c looking pleased]
Martin Lloyd: ...I'm just not sure the studio will...uh...
[Shot of Teal'c looking vaguely threatening, leaning toward Martin]
Martin Lloyd: Whoops, there's my phone... [he puts his phone to his ear] ...go for Marty... [he scurries off]

[O'Neill and Jackson are waiting at an altar, O'Neill as the groom and Jackson as the best man]
Dr. Jackson: You know, if she doesn't show, people are going to think that…you and I are…
Gen. O'Neill: What?
[A possible reference to slash shippers.]

Grell (Teal'c's counterpart on Wormhole X-Treme): Science fiction is an existential metaphor, that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said: "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today — but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all."

Counterstrike [10.7][edit]

[Teal'c and Mitchell have just discovered the power source for the Ori battlecruiser]:
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Wow.. check this out. I'm no expert, but this looks important.
Teal'c: It appears to be a power generation chamber.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Exactly. Which has me thinking.. might be a good place to drop a little C4.

[Dakara has just been destroyed by Adria, Brata'c wishes he could have done more to keep this from happening]
Vala Mal Doran: There's no point in second guessing yourself. You can't remake the past. So look ahead, or risk being left behind.
Bra'tac: She holds the wisdom of a seasoned warrior.
Daniel Jackson: She's a mother, that's close enough.

Memento Mori [10.8][edit]

Weaver: You know what I think the problem is?
Vala: That I can’t strangle you?

[Jackson is interrogating Weaver about Vala's whereabouts, but Weaver is afraid to say anything]
Dr. Jackson: We can protect you.
Weaver: No, you can’t!
Dr. Jackson: Okay. [to Teal’c, as he gets up to leave] He's all yours.
Weaver: [panicked] Where’re you going?
Dr. Jackson: I’ll be out in the hall; just yell loudly if you need me.

Dr. Jackson: But we can protect him.
Lt. Colonel Carter: Yeah, by locking him away for the rest of his life.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: What can ya say? There’s a downside to workin’ for super-villains.

Vala: Saul, what am I doing? Working here, sleeping out the back, watching reruns of The X-Files in my spare time…
[The record for longest-running American sci-fi was previously held by The X-Files, which finished with 202 episodes. With "Memento Mori," Stargate SG-1 equaled that record.]

Vala: [reading a snack cake wrapper] “Disodium guanylate”. That would make a great alien name, don’t you think?

[SG-1 storms a cheap hotel room to find Mitchell lying on the bed, handcuffed to the headboard, watching TV while eating snack cakes, and pantsless.]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Um ..this isn't what it looks like

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: What?
Lt. Colonel Carter: Nothin’. I just think it’s funny how you’re always losing your pants.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Y’know, I don't mind gettin’ shot, but I pulled a hammie when I took out that last Trust operative.
Lt. Colonel Carter: At least you didn’t lose your pants.

Company of Thieves [10.9][edit]

[an alarm goes off in the shaky cargo ship Vala has secured for SG-1]
Vala: Life Support seems to be failing... can you take this [the helm] for a minute?
[alarm ceases]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Great, now that you fixed that how ’bout looking at the inertial dampeners?
Vala: I didn’t fix anything, I just disconnected that annoying alarm.

Vala: Our only chance is to take this ship back.
Lt. Col. Carter: Well, I have an idea about that, but it’s pretty risky.
Vala: Well, it’s probably better than our plan.
Lt. Col. Carter: Well, what’s your plan?
Dr. Jackson: We don't have one.
Lt. Col. Carter: Ah.

[In an attempt to save Carter from her captor Anateo, Vala uses the Odyssey's damaged beaming technology]
Dr. Jackson: Uh, where is she?
Vala: Well, I couldn’t be sure, so I just beamed out the only other lifesign in the room instead.
Dr. Jackson: Okay. Where is he?
[Vala looks out the window, where Anateo is drifting in space]
Dr. Jackson: [following Vala’s gaze] Well, Sam did say it was risky.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, we swept the ship twice. Rounded up fourteen men in total, but not Solek. Vala had to beam him out of the hold where the crew was being held, so we have no way of knowing for sure where he ended up.
Vala: Did you check the sewage reservoir?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, no lifesigns. Ew.

Dr. Jackson: Uh, you should probably prepare to fire.
Maj. Marks: For the record, I'm always prepared to fire. I just have to press this button here.
Dr. Jackson: Right..I just—I thought that's what you're supposed to say, so...
Maj. Marks: I know.

[Vala has just powered up the hyperdrive by shoving a crystal into a hole that doesn’t fit it]
Lt. Col. Carter: How'd you do that?
Vala: Honestly, I don’t know, that almost never normally works.

Netan: You are the biggest fool in two galaxies!
Tenat: But, Netan. (turns around to fellow orannians) I screwed up.

Orannian: Shield failure is imminent.
Tenat: Damn you, Cam Mitchell.
[Tenat's Ha'tak is destroyed]

The Quest, Part 1 [10.10][edit]

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Look, I know you have no reason to trust us any more than those guys.
Barkeep: I haven't seen you shoot anyone.
Lt. Col. Mitchell:...That's an excellent point.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: You should come with us.
Barkeep: My place is here. I'll be fine. I'll blame everything on you.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Good plan!

[SG-1 is trying to rescue a little boy trapped behind a portcullis]
Ba’al: He's tiny. Tell him to squeeze through the bars.
Teal’c: Assist us, or I will squeeze you through these bars.

[SG-1, Ba'al, and Adria are blocked by a wall of fire]
Ba'al: Why don't you do something? You're the Orici. You're supposedly possessed of significant powers. So snuff out the flame and get us on our way.
Adria: My abilities don't work that way.
Ba'al: Of course, how does that Earth saying go? "All flash, no photo?"
Lt. Col. Carter: Actually, it's "All flash, no substance."
Ba'al: I prefer my version.
Adria: Would you care for a demonstration?
[Ba'al stares her down]
Adria: [haughtily] Taking your life would be a waste of my time.
Ba'al: Which I suppose would be put to better use complaining.
Lt. Col. Carter: Oh, geez, why don't you two just get a room?

The Quest, Part 2 [10.11][edit]

Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry, aren't you the one who knows the dragon's secret name? It's time to earn your keep.
Ba'al: Ah, yes. I may have exaggerated about that, slightly. Anyway, you didn't think that just by calling out its name, you'd suddenly be able to control it?
Dr. Jackson: I don't know. Name magic is common in most mythologies. To know something's secret name is to steal its power.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, start guessing?
Vala: Darrel, the dragon.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: How about Smokey?
Teal'c: Perhaps Puff?
Dr. Jackson: [annoyed]: Will you just give me a minute?

[Merlin revives from stasis]
Merlin: Where am I?
Lt. Col. Carter: Good question.
Merlin: [to Carter] You look familiar. [pauses as he scrutinizes Carter] Guinivere! [hugging Carter] Oh my dear, it's been too long.
Lt. Col. Carter: Uh, good to see you too.
Merlin: [to Mitchell] Percival! [to Jackson] And Galahad! Oh brave knights, fortune indeed does smile upon me to see your faces again.
Ba'al: Looks like Merlin's drawbridge no longer goes all the way across the moat, if you catch my meaning.
Merlin: What's that? Mordred? I might have known it.
Ba'al: We're wasting our time with this old fool! We need to get back to the gate so I can start reprogramming—
Merlin: Be silent!
[Merlin waves his hand, and Ba'al loses the ability to speak]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well how do you like that? The old boy still has some old tricks up his sleeve.

Merlin: You have an extraordinary understanding of the ways of ascended beings.
Dr. Jackson: That's because I used to be one.
Merlin: The Human race cannot have evolved that far in only a thousand years.
Dr. Jackson: That's because I had some help. Her name was Oma Desala.
Merlin: [understanding] Oh, of course.

[Merlin has died, and the team is deciding what to do]
Ba'al: I told you, I could reprogram the dialing device.
[SG-1 looks at Ba'al]
Ba'al: His little trick with my vocal chords expired at the same time he did.
Teal'c: Yet another reason to mourn his passing.

Vala: [regarding Daniel] Hey, you have to tell him that he doesn’t have to do this. He’ll listen to you.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: What team have you been on?

Lt. Col. Mitchell: [to Vala, after Daniel downloaded Merlin's consiousness into his mind] The hard part of this team is not risking your own life, it's watching your friends take chances with theirs. Congratulations, now you're really one of us.

Dr. Jackson: I'm going to be fine...
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Look, you dont get fancy mindpowers unless there's been major redecorating going on inside your skull...

Line in the Sand [10.12][edit]

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Coffee!
Lt. Col. Carter: Oh, thank you!
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Don't get too excited, they packed us decaf by mistake.
Lt. Col. Carter: D'oh.

[Ori fighters are approaching]
Teal’c [Over radio]: Colonel Mitchell, do you read?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Loud and clear, Teal'c. What's up?
Teal'c: Our time.

Lt. Col. Carter: I spent my entire life dedicated to science. That's the last ten years, trying to convince people they believed in false gods. I don't feel like science is gonna help me. Right now, I'm just hoping somewhere one of those gods...
Lt. Col. Mitchell: My grandma used to say, "God is like a prairie windstorm. If you look too hard, you get dust in your eyes, but there's still plenty of ways to know it's there."
Lt. Col. Carter: Is that what you believe?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Actually, I generally just nodded until she gave me a macaroon.

[Mitchell is shocked while connecting two wires to a control crystal]
Lt. Col. Carter: That's a good sign.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: That's easy for you to say, you with that little flesh wound.

Tomin: I have not begun to question the will of the Ori, but I have begun to question the interpretation of their words. No matter what you say, I will not believe the Book of Origin asks us to massacre innocent people! And I will not stand by while the Holy Doctrine of Good Will and Faith that I have sworn to uphold is twisted into a hammer and used to beat people down!

[Carter is trying some of Mitchell's homemade macaroons]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Pretty good, huh?
Lt. Col. Carter: Actually, they are pretty good
Lt. Col. Mitchell: [looking at Carter's face] You hate it.
Lt. Col. Carter: Yup, sorry.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well, to each their own.

The Road Not Taken [10.13][edit]

Col. Carter is in an alternate universe.
Lt. Col. Carter: I'm not who you think I am.
Dr. McKay: Oh my god, you're a lesbian, is that what you're trying to tell me?
Lt. Colonel Carter: What? No - McKay!

Lt. Col. Carter: The Rodney McKay I know wouldn’t back down from a challenge. He is one of the most forthright, courageous… and selfless men I have ever met.
Dr. McKay: [preening] Hmm. [realizes] Aw, you’re making that up, aren’t you?
Lt. Col. Carter: Most of it, yeah.

Lt. Col. Carter: The Rodney I know is a master of subtle persuasion.
Dr. McKay: Huh. Oh, you’re lying again, aren’t you?

Vala: Hey, what was I like in that reality?
Lt. Col. Carter: [uncomfortably] You were in jail.
Vala: Not again!

The Shroud [10.14][edit]

Tevaris: Are you saying this Prior’s claims are false?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: We’re saying that book’s got about as much truth in it as The Da Vinci Code.
Vala: [conspiratorially] Hey, that’s what they want you to think.

[Prior-Daniel is beamed aboard the Odyssey]
Prior-Daniel: Hey! What took you guys so long?!

[O'Neill takes a moment to look over Prior-Daniel]
Gen. O'Neill: [brightly] This is new.
Prior-Daniel: [casual] Yeah, it's always something, isn't it?
Gen. O'Neill: I gotta tell you though, not your look.

Prior-Daniel: Jack, you have to believe me.
Gen. O'Neill: Why?
Prior-Daniel: "Why." Well because, oh I don't know, the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance?
Gen. O'Neill: You know, that old chestnut is getting a little... old.
Prior-Daniel: No, no, that part never gets old. Now, you have to shut down that Supergate, and you have to let me go!
Gen. O'Neill: [jokingly] You know I hate being told what to do.
Prior-Daniel: Jack, it's me!
Gen. O'Neill: [shouting] What, that's supposed to convince me?! Look at you!
Prior-Daniel: Have I ever let you down? No, don't answer that, have I ever let you down when it really mattered?

Gen. O'Neill: You know, there's a bottom line here: Carter doesn't think it can be done.
Prior-Daniel: Yes, it can. A Mk-9 beamed directly behind the gate in the Pegasus galaxy will destroy that gate, the wormhole connection will be broken.
Gen. O'Neill: How do you know that?
Prior-Daniel: Hello!? Merlin!
Gen. O'Neill: [mockingly] Oh yes. [in "spooky" voice] Merlin!
Prior-Daniel: [frustrated] Jack, I wish I had proof. I wish I had a way to convince you, but I don't. Now this was the only choice I had and I took it. It's a good plan, it-it just happens to hinge on you guys believing in me, having a little faith. Now, I thought you of all people might!
Gen. O'Neill: Why!? You of all people should know that, I don't believe anything anybody says, even if I understand what they're talking about!

[Daniel still restrained, Vala on his lap]
Prior-Daniel: So... What the hell is going on?
Vala: This and that. You know, the usual. [excitedly] You'll never believe what's happening on One Life to Live!
Prior-Daniel: You know, I really hate to press the issue here, but I do have a deadline.
Vala: Oooh, so do we.
Prior-Daniel: Oh yes I know, before I figure out how to overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device, oooooh. I thought Teal'c believed me!
Vala: Oh, he does.
Prior-Daniel: Jack?
Vala: No, he's on your side too. That... little weasel man, who somehow represents your government...
Prior-Daniel: ...Woolsey?
Vala: I-I can't be certain, but... I think he might not like you...
Prior-Daniel: He wants to have me killed, doesn't he?
Vala: Well... I'm not sure how serious he is, he seems quite the prankster to me.
[...]
Vala: ... Not to worry. If it comes down to it, [leaving]I have a plan.
Prior-Daniel: Oh, you have a plan... Great. What is it?
Vala: Well... when I said that I had a plan, I meant that I have to plan... the plan. So when, o-or rather, if it comes down to it, I will have a plan. I've, uh, cleared my whole afternoon... for planning.

Woolsey: Dr. Jackson was the one who suggested that we should kill Khalek.
General O'Neill: He was the demon-spawn of Anubis.

[after meeting with Woolsey]
Lt. Col. Carter: How's it going sir?
Gen. O'Neill: Longing for the days when I actually carried a weapon. What do you got?
Lt. Col. Carter: A crazy idea.
Gen. O'Neill: I'm down with crazy. I like crazy. Crazy and I are like... that.
Lt. Col. Carter: Cam likes crazy too.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Listen, if what Jackson is saying is true, there is an Ori ship out there with a near-complete weapon on it that could prove useful against the Ori. I think we should go after it.
Gen. O'Neill: You're right. That's crazy!

[Woolsey walks into the room Daniel is being hold in aboard the Odyssey]
Prior-Daniel: No gun. Hm. Did you bring lethal injection, high voltage, or you're just gonna have them beam me out into space?

[O'Neill and Landry are walking through the conference room in the SGC, chatting. Suddenly, a startled Woolsey is beamed into the SGC briefing room. O'Neill and Landry consider him briefly, then O'Neill turns to Landry]
Gen. O'Neill: I thought we fixed it so that wouldn't happen again. [he is beamed out]

[Daniel beams O'Neill onto Odyssey's bridge]
Gen. O'Neill: ... Daniel?
Prior-Daniel: Jack.
Gen. O'Neill: What's up?
Prior-Daniel: Oh, I'm taking the ship.
Gen. O'Neill: [looking around] Oh I see that.
Prior-Daniel: Yeah I, I beamed the crew safely to the surface.
Gen. O'Neill: Nice for them.
Prior-Daniel: But as you probably figured out by now, I'm going to need you.
Gen. O'Neill: You know, I was just thinking how much I missed being needed.

[SG-1 is under fire from Ori soldiers]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: All right fellas, here's the deal! We are commandeering this ship! We'd like for you to throw down your weapons and surrender, please! [Mitchell barely dodges a staff blast] That's a no.

Gen. O'Neill: [sighing] Yep, just like old times. Except I'm here against my will, and you look like Marcel Marceau.
Prior-Daniel: Yeah, you know, some things change, but others stay the same.
Gen. O'Neill: Very good. Why'd you bother giving me the intel if you were going to bust out anyway?
Prior-Daniel: Well, obviously I'm improvising at this point. I had no idea when or even if I was going to be able to overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device. Time was running out. Adria's gonna notice my absence and become suspicious. So sending the rest of SG-1 to get the device was my only choice at the time.
Gen. O'Neill: Then why do this now?
Prior-Daniel: Because I'm afraid the rest of the team won't be able to complete the mission without me.
Gen. O'Neill [snidely]: Oh, aren't we full of ourselves?
Prior-Daniel: That, and I wasn't about to let Woolsey freeze me.
Gen. O'Neill: That I understand.
Prior-Daniel: Yeah.

Vala: [assembling the weapon] Okay, I think that's about it.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Hang on. What's this?
Vala: [dismissively] Oh, I'm not sure about that one.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: See! There is always a widget left over.
Vala: I thought you were always one short?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well you'd think both was impossible, but it's not.
Vala: Right... Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the timing crystal that sets the detonation of the weapon five minutes after it's inserted.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Right. Hold on that. [into radio] Carter, status?
Lt. Col. Carter: [into radio] Vala, Cam, we're moments from exiting hyperspace.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Roger that. We're almost done here...Check that, uh, Vala's almost done. I still have my doubts.

[Daniel is back to normal]
Dr. Jackson: No, it’s me. Merlin’s gone. He sacrificed himself for this to work.
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah? Prove it.
[Daniel makes a motion like a Jedi Mind Trick]
Gen. O'Neill: What the hell was that?
Dr. Jackson: If I was Merlin, you would know.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: [into intercom] Carter, Sunshine [Daniel] is awake.
Lt. Col. Carter: That's good, is he okay?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well, he's grumpy.
Lt. Col. Carter: Can you ask him how he managed to cloak this ship?
[Mitchell looks at Daniel, and Daniel shrugs]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: He says magicians don't reveal their secrets.


Bounty [10.15][edit]

Mitchell: Intel looks good, we've got ourselves a space train full of evil Orville Reddenbacher.

[Vala is explaining her "relationship" with Mitchell to Mitchell's parents]
Vala: Well, I mean at first it was just sex, sex, sex, in all rooms of the house at all times of the day! But uh, well, once we got a chance to get to know each other, we formed a deeper connection. A spiritual bond, you might say.

Jackie: Now, I can’t remember, did you go to GW?
Vala: Oh, I didn’t attend school. As much as I was sold as a domestic servant to a weapons smuggler named Firenze. After I killed him and won my freedom, I considered my education more or less complete.

Dr. Jackson: And you might have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for us meddling kids.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: How many times have you been married, anyway?
Vala: Legally? Hmmm, well, it’s hard to keep track. Let’s see. The first one was a part of a band of traveling entertainers. He was a good cook, too. Couldn’t make pie though.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: You know, forget it. Forget I asked.

Bad Guys [10.16][edit]

Dr. Jackson: We're stuck.
Vala: No we're not!
[Everyone looks at Vala]
Vala: Well, when we fail to make the scheduled check-in, General Landry will dial in, at which point we'll ask him to send a naquadah generator and a laptop with a dialing program and that's that!
Dr. Jackson: We knew that! I-I-I thought that when I said that we're stuck, that you would know that I meant "until then."
Vala: Well, then you should say what you mean.
Dr. Jackson: I don't think you want me to start doing that.
Vala: I don't think you want to start thinking what I think.

Dr. Jackson: [checking his watch] So, therefore, next check-in is in just under six hours.
Vala: Good. Muscles, that means that we have time to go to the party.
[She starts to walk away until Mitchell's voice stops her.]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: No, it does not! It means we stay here out of sight and remain as inconspicuous as possible. With a bit of luck, the people on this planet will never even know we were here.
[The couple who had left the party before arrive in the gate room and are now just a few feet away from the team. They begin kissing intensely.]
Sylvana: [pushing him away for a moment] Don't. tell Hesellven, she is like a sister to me.
Heron: Never.
[They resume kissing. They stop and begin to walk toward the gate, where they finally see the team. Mitchell waves casually.]
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hi. There's nothing to be alarmed about. We um—
[The woman begins screaming then turns and runs out of the room, the man following her. She is still screaming. Teal'c and Mitchell head out after them, and Vala tries to follow, but Daniel holds her back.]
Vala: How come they get to go?

[Hesellven and Sylvana are catfighting]
Dr. Jackson: What the hell are you doing? Stop it!!
Sylvana: She started it!
Hesellven: Hah! I think you started it when you kissed Heron.
Dr. Jackson: [exasperated] Shut up! Shut up! You’re hostages! This is like a life and death situation here! Start acting like it.
Sylvana: Oh, please! You’re not rebels! We’re not deaf, you know. Everyone in this room knows it.
Dr. Jackson: That doesn’t matter! You’re hostages! We’re your…we’re your captors! We’re heavily armed! There’s rules! There’s a whole school of etiquette to this!
[Sylvana stares at Dr. Jackson]
Dr. Jackson: [sternly] Don't eyeball me.

Cicero: Excuse me. Did you really come through the Ring?
Dr. Jackson: Yes, we did.
Cicero: It's a portal, isn't it, to other worlds?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Yeah, I'd be happy to show you how it works, once we get it up up and running.
Cicero: You want them to free your friends.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: I'm sorry. What?
Cicero: Your demands. If you want to pose as the rebels, the first thing they usually do in situations like this is ask for the freeing of their imprisoned compatriots.
Sylvana: Don't talk to them.
Cicero: No, it's okay.
Dr. Jackson: [Walks toward Cicero] What's your name?
Cicero: Cicero. I'm a researcher here at the museum, and I believe you.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: You want to get on the radio and explain that to the folks outside?
Cicero: Oh, I've tried. I've suspected as much for years, I've published dozens of papers, written a book. No one listens. My colleagues think I'm a bit of a joke.
Vala: Oh, Daniel, you've found a kindred spirit.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Is that what I think it is?
Vala: No, it's a Goa'uld naquadah bomb.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: For the record, that's what I thought it was.
Vala: Yes, I'm sure you did. Well, it seems in pretty good shape. If it's real, and if the naquadah core is intact. I assume these cases are connected to the security system?
Cicero: Yes.
Vala: So, you can't get into the case.
Cicero: You won't be able to access it without a security-card.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: And you have one of those, no?
Cicero: Not for these exhibits, no.
Vala: Well, not to worry. You happen to be standing next to one of the best thieves in two galaxies.
Cicero: [Turns to Mitchell] Ah!
Vala: No, not him.

Jayem Seran: Murderous rebels, come in please.
Dr. Jackson: Speaking.

[Jayem, a night guard of the museum, points a gun at Mitchell and Vala, and demands the freeing of the hostages]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Jackson.
Dr. Jackson: Mitchell, what's going on?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well, we've got ourselves a bit of a John McClane here.
Dr. Jackson: Wha-what are you talking about?
Teal’c: [walking past Daniel] Die Hard.

Jayem: You're crazy!
Mitchell: Did you ever meet a sane rebel?

(Vala is attempting to power the stargate with a Goa'uld bomb.)
Vala: There's a 70% chance that if we dial manually we'll be able to establish a connection, and a 50% chance the bomb will just go off.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: That a 120%.
Vala: Well there's some crossover where we establish a wormhole and it blows up.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: [on the radio] Jackson, did you catch any of that?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, 100% chance we should have brought someone who knows what they're doing.

Talion [10.17][edit]

Teal'c: In that case, there are some things you should know. The Ori do not ascend their followers. Arkad is a coward who will die by my hand. Also, I have planted an explosive device in your symbiote pouch. It is set to go off within a matter of moments. It is the same type that you used to kill twelve warriors, eighteen innocent bystanders, and two children who had gathered for a peaceful summit.
Ba'kad: They were sinners all, who chose the path of evil.
Teal'c: [walking away] Ten seconds.
Ba'kad: Where are you going?
Teal'c: I am leaving. You are about to explode.

Vala: Well, what would be the harm in us just…whoops! failing to stop Teal'c from killing Arkad? It wouldn't be entirely on purpose and not out of…accidental incompetence either, if you catch my drift.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Vala: How do we get Arkad to tell us all the pieces of the puzzle?
Dr. Jackson: Oh, that's the easy part. See, we capture him, lock him in a room, and threaten to let Teal'c kill him.

[SG-1 has set a trap for Teal'c]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Hey Teal'c? I know you're out there. I don't know what you're thinking, but we're here to help. [Mitchell barely dodges two zat blasts] Okay, that was a lie! And, uh, I hate myself, I feel terrible about that.

Bra'tac: You are the son I never had, I could not be more proud.

Family Ties [10.18][edit]

Lt. Col. Mitchell: They cancelled it? Really? I didn't even know the new season had started.
[This episode was shot after Stargate SG-1s cancellation was announced]

Jacek: I suppose for the benefit of your friends there, you're gonna want to list all the reasons why I was such a bad father.
Vala: Oh, I wish I could, but a wormhole can only be maintained for thirty-eight minutes.
Jacek: Oh, you got your father's wit!
Vala: Certainly not enough time to list your inequalities as both a father and a human being.
Jacek: And your mother's uncanny ability to hold a grudge.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: You said you had some intel?
Jacek: Yes, and I'm prepared to tell you everything once you allow me through your gate.
Gen. Landry: As soon as Vala vouches for you.
Vala: I most certainly will not!

Lt. Col. Mitchell: So, what's the deal with the accent, or in your father's case, the lack thereof?
Vala: Well, the accent, like most of my other good qualities, I got from my mother. My charm, my wit, my good looks…
Dr. Jackson: What'd you get from your dad?
Vala: Some minor food allergies.

Vala: I have a bad feeling about this.
Jacek: [stepping out from behind a tree] That's because I raised you to be cautious.
Vala: Mother raised me.
Jacek: Which one?
Vala: My mother!

Vala: You didn't trust him, but you talked me into coming here anyway?
Dr. Jackson: Eh. He’s not my father.

Jacek: Say, how'd you like to go out to dinner with me once this is all is over?
Lt. Col. Carter: Oh, I don't think so.
Jacek: Why not?
Lt. Col. Carter: Well, I'm an incredibly busy person with very little free time…Oh! And you're a jerk.
Jacek:oh well there is that

(Teal'c has taken one of Jacek's tickets to the "Virginia Dialogues". He sits down between two women as the play begins)
Actress: My girlfriends and I talk about a lot of things. There's just one topic we rarely discuss. Vaginas. And I asked myself, why is that? Why don't we talk about vaginas? Why are work and kids and holiday plans more acceptable topics of conversation than our own vaginas? And I didn't have an answer. So, I took it upon myself to find out. I started to talk about vaginas at work, at home, sometimes even in fancy restaurants! Soon my friends started to talk about vaginas as well. And it was only a matter of time before it became a hot conversation topic. No matter where I went, it was "vagina this", "vagina that," "vagina, vagina, vagina…"
(He looks to the two women in turn, then sinks uncomfortably into his seat...)

Dominion [10.19][edit]

Vala: So…no IOA? No Reynolds’ men? No television program about dancing with supposed celebrities?
Dr. Jackson: Actually, that part was real.
Vala: [quietly] How very disturbing.

Adria: You made a terrible mistake. Release me now, and I will be merciful.
Ba'al: You're so much more pleasant when you lack the ability to snap my neck with your thoughts.

Jaffa: Stand back, I'm warning you!
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Just take it easy!
Dr. Jackson: It's okay, we're not going to hurt you.
[Vala zats the Jaffa from behind]
Dr. Jackson: Much.

Gen. Landry: Ba'al is in Adria?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Yes, sir. It's the bad guy equivalent of Cordon Bleu.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: See, right now you're like a Pinto engine in a '71 Mustang. We're gonna swap you out for a big block Tok'ra.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Time to go.
Ba'al: What about our arrangement?
Dr. Jackson: Oh, you mean the part where you string us along until you overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device? We'll pass.

Unending [10.20][edit]

Dr. Jackson: I told you to bring something to amuse yourself. I didn't mean me or the crew.
Vala: They won't believe it's my birthday…again.
Dr. Jackson: Not my problem.
Vala: Being stuck on this ship is worse than being stuck at the SGC! I tell you, the last time I was this bored, I took hostages!
Dr. Jackson: I was there.

Vala: [regarding Thor and the other Asgard] Out of curiosity, how can you tell the difference?
Dr. Jackson: The voice.
[Michael Shanks, who plays Daniel, also provides the voice of Thor]

Thor: There are many on the High Council who do not believe that we should be imparting you with such advancements.
Lt. Col. Carter: Well, we'll try not to let you down.
Thor: You are the fifth race. Your role is clear. If there is any hope for the future, it lies with you, and your people.
Lt. Col. Carter: No pressure, huh?

Lt. Col. Mitchell: I've said it before, I am for fighting to the death, but we need a plan, preferably one that avoids the 'to the death' part.

[The Odyssey is stuck in a time-dilation field].
Lt. Col. Carter: The Asgard core has time dilation field technology built right into it. It was a quick and easy option. I'm actually gonna have to recreate some of Merlin's out-of-phase technology from scratch with what we have on-board. And it could take a while.
Dr. Jackson: Just to be sure, how long is a-a while in our time?
Lt. Col. Carter: I'm not exactly sure. But we have enough food and water for three months.
Vala: Three months?!
General Landry: We can ration supplies.
Vala: [to Dr. Jackson] I'm gonna go crazy. And I'm taking you with me.

Vala: Do you think the Ori Soldiers could find a way to get through the time dilation field and over here onto the ship?
Teal'c: No.
Vala: Because I’m hearing things all the time. Are you hearing things?
Teal'c: I am trying not to.
Vala: Maybe they found a way to ring over but they can’t figure out how to secretly shut down the time dilation field so they’re trying to drive us crazy to get us to shut it down ourselves.
Teal'c: No.
Vala: That wasn’t a question.
Teal'c: No.

[Vala is trying to convince Daniel to have sex with her].
Vala: We’ve been here three months. Three months!
[Pause]
Vala: You do like girls?
Dr. Jackson [emphatically]: Yes!

Dr. Jackson: I mean, all they wanted to do was live a little longer. We're no different. Sequence DNA. Cure diseases. One fatal mistake, and they doom their entire race. I guess no matter what you do, at the end of the day…life is too short.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: See what we need is, we need Superman to fly around the ship really, really fast.
Lt. Col. Carter: Oh, if you only knew how ridiculous that was.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: No, it only sounds ridiculous 'til you hear yourself say, "I am trapped on a spaceship stuck in a time dilation field."

[The final scene of the series]
General Landry: Dial it up, Walter.
Sgt. Harriman: Yes, sir. [starts dialing the Stargate] Chevron one encoded.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: That is how we're supposed to travel light-years across the galaxy to other planets. [points at the spinning Gate]
Sgt. Harriman: Chevron two encoded.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: [to Teal'c] You know, I'd like to imagine I handled myself well, but...I imagine I went a bit crazy cooped up on that ship for so long.
[Teal'c smiles]
Sgt. Harriman: Chevron three encoded.
Dr. Jackson: You know, Teal'c did tell me some of the things I learned from the Asgard database.
Vala: He did? Like what?
Dr. Jackson: Oh, boy. What were they?
Sgt. Harriman: Chevron four encoded.
Dr. Jackson: Beggars can't be choosers. Better late than never. Look before you leap.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: The best things in life are free.
Vala: Let me guess, beauty is only skin deep?
Dr. Jackson: Silence is golden.
Sgt. Harriman: Chevron five encoded.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Jack of all trades, master of none.
Lt. Col. Carter: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Vala: Life is too short.
Sgt. Harriman: Chevron six encoded.
Teal'c: Good things come to those who wait.
Lt. Col. Carter: [to Teal'c] You know, as hard as it is for us not knowing, it must be torture for you not to tell us.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Sgt. Harriman: Chevron seven is locked.
General Landry: Good luck, SG-1.
Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Just another everyday mission to save the galaxy, sir.
SG-1: Indeed.
General Landry: Godspeed.

Oz references[edit]

Stargate SG-1 contains dozens of references to The Wizard of Oz. It has always been an inside joke with the actors that the characters they portray represent the different characters from Oz:

Jack O'Neill, portrayed by Richard Dean Anderson, is the Tin Man
Samantha Carter, portrayed by Amanda Tapping, is Dorothy
Daniel Jackson, portrayed by Michael Shanks, is the Scarecrow.
Teal'c, portrayed by Christopher Judge, is the Lion

On the 200th episode, "200", there was a variation of the Oz theme:

Vala Mal Doran, portrayed by Claudia Black, as Dorothy
Daniel Jackson, portrayed by Michael Shanks as the Lion.
Cameron Mitchell, portrayed by Ben Browder as the Scarecrow.
Teal'c, portrayed by Christopher Judge, as the Tin Man
Samantha Carter, portrayed by Amanda Tapping, as Glinda the Good Witch
Gen. Landry as the Wizard

Season 1[edit]

1x03 "The Enemy Within"[edit]

Col. O'Neill: That's right, Dorothy, it was all a dream.

1x05 "The First Commandment"[edit]

Col. O'Neill: Well... We're off to see the wizard...

Col. O'Neill: To Oz...

Capt. Carter: So, any indigenous lions, tigers, or bears I should lie awake worrying about?

1x18 "Solitudes"[edit]

Col. O'Neill: What's the bad news? 'Cause unless we've redecorated the gateroom, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

1x17 "Tin Man"[edit]

  • Episode Title: "Tin Man"

1x21 "Politics"[edit]

Col. O'Neill: And you were there, and you were there, and there's no place like home.

Season 2[edit]

2x11 "The Tok'ra"[edit]

Col. O'Neil: Ah, where's that yellow brick road when you need it, eh Dorothy?

2x21 "1969"[edit]

Col. O'Neill: Auntie Em? Auntie Em?

2x22 "Out of Mind"[edit]

Col. O'Neill [After entering the mock-up of the gate room]: There's no place like home, sir...

Season 3[edit]

3x01 "Into the Fire"[edit]

Col. Makepeace [After entering the mock-up of the gate room]: Yeah...there's no place like home...

3x02 "Seth"[edit]

Dr. Jackson [To Sam]: You killed him.
Col. O'Neill: Hail Dorothy.

3x12 Jolinar's Memories[edit]

Col. O'Neill: Well. It's certainly not Emerald City...

3x16 "Urgo"[edit]

Urgo: I'm melting, I'm melting! What a world, what a world!

Season 4[edit]

4x12 "Tangent"[edit]

Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]: Mak tal shree! Lok tak meta satak...Oz!
Goa'uld [presumably Heru-ur]: Mok tal Oz?
Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]: Mak tal Oz, kree!
Goa'uld: Kal tek shree, tak monak!
Jacob: Alright, we're almost finished, Sam's just finishing up.
Dr. Jackson: Uh...that's good 'cause I don't think they bought my act.
Jacob: Why? Who'd you say you were?
Dr. Jackson: The uh...Great and Powerful Oz.
Jacob: SAM!

4x17 "Absolute Power"[edit]

Col. O'Neill: Daniel! Try to keep it in Kansas, huh?

Season 5[edit]

5x10 "2001"[edit]

[On his first journey off-world, referring to the Earth-like environment.]
Ambassador Joe Faxon: It looks just like...uh...
Col. O'Neill: Oh yeah. Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, turns out you are.

Season 6[edit]

6x16 "Metamorphosis"[edit]

Col. O'Neill: Hail Dorothy. The wicked witch is dead. [O'Neill receives blank stares.] It's from a movie...Margaret Hamilton...

Col. O'Neill: To Oz? It's...part of that movie...

Season 10[edit]

10x6 "200"[edit]

  • Vala pitches a plot idea for Marty's "Wormhole X-Treme" movie, supposedly coming from "personal experience."
Vala [Narrating]: I was in a stolen cargo ship on my way home when a solar flare from a nearby star wreaked havoc on my navigation system, and I was forced to crash land on the nearest planet. In a bizarre twist of fate, I crashed right on top of the Goa'uld who ruled that planet [Vala timidly kicks the golden boots of the Goa'uld sticking out from under her ship]. Which was fortunate because my ship was too badly damaged to repair, and I needed help. The local villagers were very grateful [Vala walks with a crowd of Munchkins]. They introduced me to a lovely fair-haired Tok'ra who had been hiding out on the planet [Vala is shown listening to Carter, who is clearly made to look like Glenda the Good Witch, while both are tended to by Munchkins]. She told me the legend of a powerful ascended being who supposedly lived in some distant, far-off mountains, through a treacherous forest...
...I met up with a number of my friends along the way, and after a dangerous and eventful journey, we finally come face to face with the ascended being.
[Gen. Landry's massive, greenish, floating head is surrounded by smoke and flames]
Wizard Landry: What can I do for you?
Dorothy Vala: Well, at first, I thought I just wanted to go home, but now I've decided I'd quite like to be a part of something... a regular part, if you catch my drift.
Oh, and, uh, these guys have their own issues. Boys?
[Behind Vala aka Dorothy are Col. Mitchell as the Scarecrow, Dr. Jackson as the Lion, and Teal'c as the Tin-Man]
Martin Loyd [Dryly]: ...That's the Wizard of Oz.
Vala [Disappointed]: Oh. You've seen that one.
Martin: Uh, Yeah.

Taglines[edit]

  • Unlock The Universe
  • At the edge of the universe lies a gateway to adventure
  • Saving the Universe. One Planet at a Time.
  • With a Little Stargate, Anything is Possible
  • Once you open the Gate, there is no going back.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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